#might as well listen to mcr and queen on my way down to super hell tm

[crwatters]

I did NOT realize how much serotonin it would give me to go "for one weekend... and one weekend only... witness the return of 2014 edition Edgy Emo Crystal".

It's been a hell of a week, so to dye my hair, dig out my old Hot Topic jewelry, wear all black, and sing along to Fall Out Boy at the top of my lungs, has, for some reason brought me unadulterated joy.

[fantasyprojector-blog]

The Best of Greek Mythology

Zeus: King of the Furies

It is common knowledge that if a white van pulls up to a curb where children are playing and the person driving the van offers them candy, that the children should not take the candy. That they should in fact, run and call the police. So with this in mind, picture this: instead of a white van it’s a white bull that smells like flowers and instead of children it’s a group of beautiful maidens picking flowers or some other bull shit pastime like that. Of course these maidens aren't as smart as your average child nowadays and went to go see this Chanel smelling bull. Here is where the proverbial candy comes into play, the bull lowers himself in front of Europa, who was the sexiest of the maidens to which she then climbs onto his back only to find SURPRISE BITCH! It’s the fuck boi, king of the gods himself, Zeus. Who then galivants off into the sea with her on his back in a successful maiden-napping to his home base Crete. To pass the time on their journey Zeus tells Europea of all the strong, powerful, male children she will bear for him. Sounds like a great time.

Aphrodite, Ares, Hephaestus: The classic love triangle

We've all seen the horrible teen angst filled romantic movies with a shy, courageous, beautiful female lead and her two love interests: the bad boy McHottie pants and the nerdy best friend. Well this is the OG love triangle. Aphrodite was married off to Hephaestus (against her will might I add). It was a train wreck marriage: they both slept around and were producing demigod offsprings left and right. Even though Hephaestus was whipping his dick out every chance he got, he still expected Aphrodite to be faithful. So after he found out that she was playing “hide the spear” with the God of War everything went to shit. Instead of handling the situation like a mature adult, Hephaestus decided to wait until the two lovers were involved in an intense round of twister and then capture them in a unbreakable net. After the two were captured Hephaestus invited all of the other gods and goddess to come witness this shameful act however, much to Hephaestus’s dismay, only the male gods showed up so they could get some new images for their mental spank bank.

The battle for Athens

“Two households, both alike in dignity, In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.” What is more embarrassing than see your ex in public? Losing a contest for a city to them. As Shakespeare so nicely put it, losing a city to them in a contest. Athena and Poseidon had an ancient grudge: they used to date and then Poseidon couldn't keep it in his pants, so Athena cursed his baby mama and it was one colossal mess of epic proportions. Any way onto the actual story. After Athena and Poseidon called it quits, this snake dude, who was the mayor of a small town in Greece decided to hold a contest for patronage of his city. Athena and Poseidon rose to this challenge to prove their worth. Poseidon gave the city a river but instead of a freshwater river, he gave them a saltwater river. While Athena gave the city a big ass olive tree. The people chose Athena as the patron and named their city Athens. So Poseidon, in the spirit of good sportsmanship cursed Athens to forever have water shortages. The dickhead.

Apollo’s Sexuality Apollo had many many lovers as he was a freewheeling bisexual but two of his most famous love stories are that of Daphne and Hyacinthus. Daphne was river nymph, whose sexual orientation leaned towards asexual aromantic side of the spectrum. Unfortunately for her, she caught the eye of Apollo, who then continuously tried to get into her toga. One day when Apollo got to close Daphne said, “Fuck it, turn me into a tree,” and thus she became a laurel tree, much to Apollo’s chagrin. On the other side of the sexuality color wheel, there was Hyacinthus, who was the ultimate closeted, “no homo” frat boy bro, who was everything a bisexual Sun God could ask for. After their bromance turned into romance, Hyacinthus managed to catch the eye of an uber gay twink Wind God, he soon became jealous of the bro-romance between Hyacinthus and Apollo, so he cursed a frisbee to kill the frat boy bro. So the next time the lovers went to play frisbee golf it got bloody. Distraught by the death of his love, Apollo fully realized his kink for flora and fauna and turned Hyacinthus into a flower.

Artemis and the peeping tom

Nothing is more deadly than a woman scorned who knows magic and wields a bow and arrow. This is a PSA for any men who think it’s okay to watch women change, shower, or do anything in a violating way. Artemis was just enjoying a lovely outdoor bath surrounded by nymphs, when she was realized she was being watched by a Brock Turner like fucker. So, instead of getting all upset, she decided to turn him into a stag, to which she the proceeded to shoot full of arrows while her hunting dogs attacked him. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Taken: Staring Demeter, the Goddess of Agriculture (and One Pissed off Mother)

What would you do if your child was stolen from you? Obviously you would throw all other duties to the side and and try to find your lost child. This is essentially what happened to Demeter. Hades fell in love with Persephone and then he decided to kidnap her ass the way down to hell or the underworld, whatever. Demeter then went into full Liam Neeson mode trying to find her daughter. Eventually, after several explosions, a few torture sessions, and the death of many, many crops, Demeter finally found her daughter in hell. While the epic movie was happening above, the romcom of a century was happening below. Persephone actually ended up falling in love with Hades and soon became the best Queen hell has ever seen. Unfortunately, no one told Demeter, that so after Demeter and Hades had a Jason Bourne showdown the conflict was resolved. Persephone now splits her time between the mortal world and the world of the dead.

Gods Zeus: Remember that perverted relative that everyone has? That’s Zeus. He's the king of the gods, sky, and rape. He can’t keep it in his pants and he likes to keep it in the family.

Poseidon: Fuck boi to the max! He's the kind of guy that you just want to punch his teeth in. Not only is he a major douchebag, but he's also God of the Seas, so you know that he's the champion of the “hold my beer,” challenge that results in thousands of sailors deaths.

Hades: Think the weird, quiet scene kid, but with a hint of over dramatic death metal thrown into the mix. God of the underworld, dead, and riches, no wonder he still listens to MCR; he has an aesthetic to maintain.

Ares: He’s the jock that’ll fuck your girl, wreck your car, and destroy you in beer pong, not care or stop when he gets caught and he always seems to be getting into fights. He’s the guy that comes back to his old high school to cheer on the football team and then run down to the field to show them how it’s REALLY done. God of War, my dick is too big for this condom, the ladies (ugh gross), and Axe Body Spray.

Hephaestus: Remember all of the sexually repressed nerds in high school? The ones somehow grew up to be super successful but then turned around and became total ass hats with no respect for women? That is this guy right here. He currently holds the title for ugliest god ever, a title which he has held onto for a several millennia now. God of the forge, technology and general misogyny.

Apollo: The OG Dorian Gray. God of the Sun and flower crowns

Goddesses

Artemis: Ask her about her feminist agenda. Do it. I dare you to. Goddess of the Hunt, pussy power, and badassery.

Athena: She's the valedictorian, student council president, and she slaughters everyone in PE. Goddess of smart people and military victory.

Demeter: She is the mama bear that you don’t fuck with unless you want her to fuck with your allergies. She also knows how to have a good time because wine and will feed you when you come over.

Persephone: ‘But mmmmooooommmmmm, I love him,”. Think of the sweetest person you know and then give them pink throwing stars. Goddess of spring time and ima fuck you up and smile innocently while doing it.

Hera: Think crazy southern belle pageant mom, who forces religion onto her children and washes it down with sweet tea. Goddess of the home and picture perfect families.  

Aphrodite: Goddess of love, beauty, and all things sexy. This is the person you would come to for advice, because she knows her way around the bedroom and men's or people's hearts. I actually don’t know her sexuality.