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yoursinfulurges · 4 years ago

Text

Toxin and Venom

Slight Dark!Peter Parker x Dark!Reader

Description:

In which a seemingly loving relationship appears greater than it is...

There was something rather terrible about this young man's naive exterior. Though nobody could pinpoint where exactly the dreadfulness laid. His eyes shined a little too brightly, and his words were coated in thick sugar, enough to appear disingenuous to the skillfully trained ears. But there hidden behind is smile concealed the sinister morals of a true manipulator.

Oh' but she was no better herself, twisting words to favour her narrative. Playing as if she was nothing more than a meek little prey.

Warnings: pure angst with an underlining layer of toxicity.

Disclaimer: This is a REWRITE of one of my old stories dated back to a year ago, so if it sounds familiar that is why. This story was originally written for Jung Jaehyun from NCT but seeing as though I've fallen out of love with kpop at the moment, I wanted to repurpose it for my new followers that I've harbored since The Venom Within, as I'm very proud of the way it was written and concluded that I wanted to share with you all. I did improve and change quite a lot so you won't be reading the exact same story and I decided to add a twist to it.

Note: This is more so a college au so the fact that Peter is Spiderman is insignificant...

Word Count: 4.k

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Your boyfriend, Peter, had always been the most kind and caring person you knew. Ever since you met him, and even after months of dating, he still acted like the bashful, kind Disney prince you took him for. Only treating you with nothing but respect and admiration; you often wondered if this boy was even capable of making an insult, or had a bad bone in his body. Fore he acts way too nice and sweet for his own good. Controlling at times but it was with all good intentions...

Originally, you thought the kind gestures and lovely sweet talking was his way of subtly flirting, but after years of dating him, you came to the realization that it was just simply him. Peter didn't need to pretend to be kind and sweet like other guys; given that it was like second nature for him. You loved the boy to death. He showered you with so much love, spoiled you with affection. Treated you like his queen; His shining jewel. Out of the two years that you'd been together, not once has he wronged you.

That is, up until this exact moment...

You stand there in the middle of the kitchen, tears streaming down your cheeks. At this point you had stopped listening to what he was saying. In fear that if you continued to listen to his harsh words, more of your love would begin to fleet away, and you couldn't afford to lose any more. Despite of all your excessive yelling, you loved Peter. And he meant so much to you. But seeing him in this state, angry and hostile, attacking you viciously with his words, you began to question your future with him.

You couldn't quite fathom what brought on this newfound aggression in your relationship. Though, you had a slight seeking suspicion that it was from all the post-exam stress you both had to endure. Weeks upon weeks of studying and sleepless nights finally took its toll on the both of you. Thus bringing you to this exact moment in time. The once loving home corrupted by the harsh spoken words that fell from both of your lips. Anger and aggression filling the room, space welcoming the negativity with open arms. You had both tainted it...

That was not the boy you fell in love with, but instead somebody meaner, a-kind to venom...

Then again, you weren't a saint yourself either, words you wouldn't have ever thought of saying spilled out of your mouth like toxin. You needed to do something fast to mend your relationship back together...

The mere thought of breaking up with the man hurts you so dearly. You just wanted your loving boyfriend back from what ever abyss he dissapeared off to. Typically your fights never lasted this long, but this one proved to be quite challenging. You just wanted him to stop yelling. But in fear of the unthinkable outcome of your protest, you kept shut and held onto the remaining pieces of your heart. You knew for a fact that Peter would never dear to lay a hand on you, so you tried very desperately to push those thoughts aside. However, his following statements made both tasks very difficult. It was as if he was challenging your composure. Like he wanted the flood gates broken.

Like he wanted you to cave in to the malicious voice whispering in your ear...

His words could've very well be from all the stress, ..or pent up insults and remarks that he'd been silently keeping in. You had no way of telling. You prayed and hoped that it was the first one rather than the assuming latter. Because maybe then, you would consider forgiving him. Even though the words punctured you like bullets, penetrating your inner layers and hurting you in more ways than one. This was not your Peter... You questioned the morals behind his words, were they intended to hurt you, or was it just in the heat of the moment. Regardless, you knew that his words would be something that lingered on forever in your head.

"I don't even know why I stayed this long with you, honestly! What do I even see in you! Stop being so unreasonable! You're easily replaceable, so i don't see why you're acting so high and mighty. News flash y/n, i could do a lot better!"

And there it was...

His current state and demeanor rivalled that of which the one you used to know. The soft spoken, kind, sweet, shy Peter. The one that still plays with legos despite being nineteen years old. You'd give anything to have him back...

You always knew that Peter could do better, but hearing this from him was a lot different than you saying it to yourself in your head. Before you had started dating you knew he had a chance with Michelle. She was a very pretty girl that went to your university, she was also Peter's chem partner... Michelle was nice, smart, and talented. You were very aware of the little 'thing' they had going on. So to your surprise, when you heard rumors of a certain Peter Parker, looking to ask you out, you almost didn't believe. Hell, you laughed straight into Brad's face and told him he was delusional. If only a hesitant, blush faced Peter wasn't stood right behind you to prove you wrong.

Ever since that day, you questioned Peter's choice. Why did he choose you, when he could've had a chance with Michelle? Someone he was more compatible with... You figured that he saw something special in you that nobody else did. Though, his previous statement proves you wrong and tells you that he doesn't even know why he gave you a chance. You're at a drift, not knowing where this relationship is headed, or where to stand. Knowing that you were replaceable to Peter weakens you. Were you really that insignificant to him? Were you a chore to be around? If so then why did he stay for two years? All these questions ran through your mind as you're frozen in a state of shock. How do you follow such a thing?

You stand silently, wails threatening to break free from your lips, as you shake. Instantly covering your mouth with your palm. You watch as he screamed at you more, words blocked out by the ringing in your ears. Truthfully, you were glad you couldn't hear his words, not knowing how to reciprocate to any more of his personal attacks.

The familiar feeling of despair began to conjure in the pit of your stomach. The tightness in your chest began to focus on your beating heart, constricting you like a boa preying on its meal. Everything around you became a hazy blur as the non stop ringing became more prominent. The cause being your angry boyfriend and his heart-wrenching words. Jolts of anxiety began to climb up from your figure tips, like a thousand spiders crawling on your skin. A feeling you know all too well crept up from behind you. You were beginning to feel frantic and scared, as your breathing became unstable.

You were becoming erratic, desperate to end the fight and be in his arms again.

"What!? Huh, not gonna clap back with some snarky remark. Admit it, you know im right!"

Peter's face was a striking shade of scarlet while he paced back and forth, hands finding themselves tangled in his hair as he mumbled inaudible words. His hair, you remember running your hands through his curly, brown locks this morning when you woke up. Oh, how happy and blissful you both were twelve hours prior to this moment. You both were so content and hopeful with the prospect of your relationship. Being able to finally spend time with each other after a stressful week. Originally, you had planned a date night with Peter. But things began to make a turn for the worse when he began to insult every little thing you did. Now here you were, an hour and forty-five minutes late for your reservations.

A taste for bitterness began to fill your mouth, as your insides churned. Waves of sadness and despair hit you like a tsunami. You suddenly couldn't stand the thought of staying in the same room as Peter. Let alone sleeping in one. Fore his words had impacted you like an arrow through the heart. You felt sick, disgusted, vulnerable, and above all else, hurt.

"God, you're such a fucking bitch sometimes!" Peter spat, but soon after stopped, noticing your sudden change in demeanor. Your once, fuming and aggressive facade was replaced with a much more subdued, fragile, hurt exterior, mirroring how you felt inside. You had given up. The bandage that held your heart together snapped.

You looked up at him, hurt written all over your face. Instantly, Peter rushed your way. He wanted to wrap his arms around you, apologize for calling you a bitch. But stopped when you held your hand out and shook your head, a sob erupting from your mouth. Suddenly, all the hurtful things Peter said rang through his own head.

Oh...

Shit!

"Baby, I-" He started, not knowing how to follow. His mouth suddenly became dry, letting out a sigh of regret. Voice coming out weak and pained. His chest tightening at the sight of what he has done to you. No no no no no no.... Peter knew you weren't the type to forgive and forget. Even if you both manage to somehow recover from this, he knew that his words would always be in your head. You would constantly doubt yourself and his transparency, thinking if it was all an act.

Regret began to eat away at him once again when he noticed your uneven breathing. Another punch in his gut when he took note of your shaking. Peter's eyes quickly darted to yours, his heart breaking when he saw the amount of fear in them. He was uncertain if you were scared of him or your emotions. He wanted it to be the second one. Peter never wanted you to see him in that light. Yet here you were, having an anxiety attack because of him...

He knew that feeling all too well, having suffered from anxiety of his own, but the fact that he was the one to force you into that state shattered him..

"Don't call me that...." You spat coldy, backing away slowly into your shared bedroom. Making sure he didn't follow and locking the door. Once in the cozy room, you sob like la llorona conveying grief. You couldn't bear to see all the happy pictures of you two, when he said so himself, you're nothing special to him. Without thinking, you began to rip off every Polaroid, framed pictures, and drawings from the walls. Not caring of ripping them. You threw them all on the floor. Your vision becoming clouded by tears as you sob. Ruining the white fabric of your oversized sweater with your makeup contaminated tears.

Your body halts, the last remaining picture was of the both of you on your first date. You always considered that day as the happiest moment of your life. But now knowing that you're just a pit stop in Peter's life, the memory manifests into something much darker than obsidian.

You inhale as you looked at the picture one more time. It was you kissing Peter on the cheek. He donned a beautiful cheshire smile, his freckles displaying proudly under the sunlight. He wore a red, hooded sweatshirt with his hero, Iron man's logo depicted on the top right corner. You always love it when he wore sweaters, especially that one. You remembered every emotion you felt as the picture was being taken. Even if you didn't, your expression held it all. You radiated happiness as the butterflies in your stomach became restless. You were so happy...

You sob lightly, your thumb caressing his face as you looked fondly at the picture. Suddenly, words that fell from his mouth earlier replayed in your head. He had purposely attacked your deepest insecurities. Jabbed and taunted you. The Peter you knew would never result to something so cruel and petty. Without putting much thought into it, you began to take the picture out of its frame.

Your ears perking up when you hear the familiar sound of the lock being picked. The jiggling of the doorknob was something you grew accustomed to. Having locked yourselves out of the bedroom on more than one occasion....

Taking one final breath, you rip the picture in two and retreated into the master bathroom. Once the door was slammed shut and locked, all hell broke loose. As if it couldn't have gotten worse alright. Your wails grew louder and more repetitive that you were being to sound like a banshee, mourning for her decaying heart. Eventually, you found yourself curled up in the bathtub, suppressing your cries into your knees as you lowered your head.

Peter finally succeeds in picking the lock, after what seemed like hours, and once he creaked opened the door of your shared bedroom, his heart broke in two. Parts of him began to deteriorate, he wished he had never said those hurtful things. He felt numb and out of touch with reality, sensing his anxiety looming over his shoulder. Peter knew that one of your biggest insecurities was never meaning much to somebody. And that weren't fond of feeling worthless and neglected. He knew your background and upbringing well enough to know just how much you disliked being treated as such.

All he wanted to do was hold you in his arms and kiss your tears away. A pool of sadness brimmed his eyes as he evaluates the damage. From one corner of the room to the other, pictures were left scattered and discarded. The framed drawings of him that you illustrated, sat on the floor of your bedroom, frame cracked and shattered. The Polaroids he held ever so dearly to his heart, littered the bed and floor. He broke down in tears when he sees the torn picture of you both.

How could you vandalize such a treasured memory. But then again, how could he hurt the most precious thing in his life. Seeing the picture ripped apart like this, he knew that somehow he affected your perspective on this whole relationship. His previous words had tainted such beloved memories, and twisted them to seem like nothing more than a one-sided love. He made you question whether he truly loved you or not. Suddenly the realization kicked in, and it kicked in hard. A tsunami of guilt and regret pierced through is heart. His insides churned and it suddenly became very hard to breathe. He suddenly became really aware of how dire this situation was. His following actions may break your relationship if he didn't act wisely.

Peter bends down to hold your piece of the puzzle, a river flow of heart ache cascading down his cheeks, wetting the captured image of you. Your sobs, which had begun to sound like cries of help, due to lack of air, rang threw Peter's ears. Suddenly he grew extremely concerned and rushed to the door, dropping your image.

Immediately, you stop when you heard soft knocks coming from the other end of the door, which was soon followed by cries and sniffling sounds.

"Baby, open the door!" You don't comply with his words and stayed seated in your place, hugging your knees tighter.

"W-what are you gonna do if i don't? Pick the lock and violate my privacy! Just go away P-peter! W-why don't you go find another girl to replace me, because apparently, i-i mean nothing to you!" Screaming at the inanimate door, or more so the person behind it, as you let out a cut short wail. You hated yourself for how weak and broken you sounded. Wishing, you could drown out his stupid words that had already engraved itself deep in your brain.

"Y-you said s-so yourself! I'm easily replaceable! I-if i had known that this relationship was just gonna be one sided then i would've never wasted my time!" Apparent in your tone and words how truly distraught you were, Peter cried harder, cold sweats engulfing his body. He winced at the thought of how broken you were. It only lead him to wonder, what exactly happened and what brought on this fight. Sounding more so a statement rather than a question in his head.

He parted his lips softly, a small whimpering sigh rolling off his tongue.

"Please y/n, just open the door. I-i just want to see you. Please... I-I need to know that you're okay...." his words laced with mixed emotions, such as sorrow and remorse. Despite his current emotional state, Peter's stature looked anything else but composed. God, he was freaking out..

Incoherently mumbling a soft 'please' as he laid his forehead onto the wood door. His hand resting above his head, fist balled tightly, as if ready to start pounding. He was desperate, eyes screwing shut tightly causing a flow of tears to glide down his cheeks. Peter's jaw clenched tightly in frustration, as he beat himself over and over again for saying such things.

After much hesitance, you stood up and made your way to the door. Peter hears the small shuffle and quickly straightens himself out. After seconds of hovering your hand over the knob, you twist it open, instantly unlocking itself and setting free all the pent up emotions. You crack open the door, almost immediately, Peter rushes in and hugs you.

You don't return the hug, silently stiffening in his arms. At that moment, the last few bits of composure you had built back up snaps loose. You become a crying mess in Peter's arms. Feelings of unmeasurable sadness cascade down your cheeks, onto his black long sleeve shirt. You try and push him away, but fail due to his strength. His muscular arms constricting you as if you would fade away.

"Listen to me please." He says softly, tears lightly streaming down his cheeks, though, not to the caliber of yours.

You sniffle lightly, thrashing in his arms. Though, it was no use, his hold was so secure that no amount of resistance would break you free. So, you could do nothing else but endure what he has to say.

"I'm sorry-

Sorry doesn't fix anything Peter, it's just a word!" The teary-eyed male hissed at your words. The amount of hurt and venom your tone held was enough to make his jaw clench and his hold to tighten.

"I know it doesn't, but it's a start. L-look, i didn't mean to say that. I don't know what came over me, or what caused me to say those things. But what i do know is that they were a hundred percent untrue. And i want you to know that..." He pauses briefly to wipe away your tears with his thumb. Dipping his head into the crook of your neck. He took in your floral scent, hoping it would help him regain composure. You feel a tug on your heart at how utterly hurt and small he sounded.

"I love you with all my heart, and that you are the most unique girl I've ever met... If anything i don't know how i even managed to get a girlfriend as beautiful and amazing as you..... Wanna know why I'm with you?" You nod lightly into his chest. His hold readjust itself as he lays his head above yours. Almost content with your slight gesture, but he needed to be sure you were happy.

"It's because you accept me for who i am. You don't pressure me to be perfect all the time, you welcome my flaws with open arms; don't expect anything from me and shower me with so much love everyday... I want you to know that i could never replace you, not that i would ever want to. How did i ever get so lucky... Please y/n, you are one of the most important people in my life.... I-i can't loose you too..." Peter couldn't fathom a future with out you in it. He grew frantic, thinking that this day could be the last together. And that there would be a slight chance that you didn't want to forgive him again. He couldn't let that happen...

"Please say something...." He sighed whilst tears brimmed his eyes, taking your tightening hold on his shirt to keep moving forward.

"Do you remember when we first started dating, that night i texted you that i was frustrated and my anxiety was acting up... And you came over in a heart beat, even though you lived fifteen minutes away... Y-you told me to let it all out, and i cried in your arms for an hour, complaining about everything. I felt so ashamed for crying in front of you, but you told me that i was so brave for accepting my feelings... I know what i said must've hurt you a lot, but I'll do better... I'm sorry for triggering you like that." Peter's tone was barely above whisper, and if he hadn't have said it directly above your ear, you would've missed it. There he was... your Peter....

You thought back to the said memory and smiled fondly, that was the night you both realized that you wanted a more serious title on your relationship. Finally labeling each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. You thought back to all the happy memories you both shared and confirmed that a silly little fight wouldn't get the best of you. Yes, his words might've hurt, but his actions now out ways all of his petty insults. You give into your flourishing heart and forgive him.

Backing away from his chest lightly, you look up at him, gasping slightly at his blood shot eyes. You hesitatly reach up to cup both of his cheeks. Wiping away the remaining tears that streamed down his face. He smiled lightly and leaned into your touch, taking one of your hands in his and place a soft, delicate kiss on it.

"We'll be okay...." You smiled at his comforting words before planting a passionate, loving kiss on his lips. Peter smiled lightly before taking your wrist on his hold and guiding them to wrap around his neck. He deepens the kiss and pulls you closer by your waist.

It was then that he realized that he wanted you to be the only women in his life. And that he wanted nobody else. Suddenly feeling an overly compelling urge in his heart to make up for his actions overcomes him. He was determined to trap you in his web of love again. He couldn't loose you too...

You smile in content,

portraying the victim always worked...

'Indeed, we'll be just fine.....'

Perhaps they were both awful people, fooling each other with the reality they both created. But it was done with the intent of love, sick twisted love... He was possessive and she was insecure. And together they were toxin and venom... God forbid anything that tries to get in between them...

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End Note:

For those that don't understand, take notice in Peter's words and how drastically different they are from when he was mad to when he was apologizing. Sweet at first glance but if you really dig deep you'd notice how sugar coated everything seemed, like he's saying what you want to hear. And as for the Reader, I purposely left out how much she contributed to the fight in the beginning to make it seem as though she was the victim, when in reality she was also at fault. The anxiety aspect of this story was very much 'real' since I described what it felt like for me and I wanted her to suffer from anxiety yet have something be a little off. Now, I'm not claiming that the bedroom part was a whole scene to feed her victim persona, but that's up to how you want to view it. This story is subjective and can be taken however way you want to.

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selfcareparker · 4 years ago

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(lovely anon) i'm so happy to finally be answering this oh my goodness hi gorgeous human being i feel that it has been too long 🥲 SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME I'VE WRITTEN ONE OF THESE HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

to answer the things you have said most recently- i'm so mad that spring break is over bc now i have to go back to life??? like dancing and school and shit that feels so unnessacry 😭 and like i can't just do nothing anymore? i was so used to it and now...... ugh. i STILL haven't played sims (i think it's because ✨depression✨ be hitting sometimes) lol but MWAHAH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR!AU AND THAT THEY HAD LITTLE BABY LEO!! i feel the name thing.. i just come up with something that sounds nice? i think leo is a nice name, it makes me think about lea michele and the fact that her son's name is Ever Leo but anyway. i don't name my sims after what i want to name my children irl either... idk why though. (i don't know why i'm telling you this but for boy names i love Liam🥰 and if i had twin boys i think i would do Liam and Peter though i am not married to the name Peter.... anywho)

LMAOOO the therpaist coming made me laugh thank you :)) i hope it's helpful? this may be tmi but i've only really had negative thoughts recently and not many healthy outlets so i'm hoping crossing one thing off this sad list will make me feel better :') i think during spring break my anxiety and my depression really spiked? idk, it comes in episodes but yeah THIS GOT REALLY SAD

i think a lot of things when i read your posts but i never say them hahaha so imma say it now: i googled what bon appetit meant ( i also just had to google how to spell it ) but ur right, i feel like bone apple tea makes more sense than bone apple teeth.. the "th" is throwing me off bc how i say it bone appa (like app-a) teet (like you're saying tit but teet lol) so bone apple tea makes more sense to me lol

i never know really know the time difference for anything lmao but est to germany (that's not gmt is it?) is like 6 hours wOAH so it's like 9pm while it’s 3pm here? wowee

i feel mega weird after watching this show called hollywood (darren criss is in it, so is laura harrier and a bunch of other people) but i don't like it💀 i feel really icky rn and idk why but reading your last response to my ask (?) always makes me feel better :')

i am doing what you said btw, i'm typing this on my computer first then gonna transfer it to my phone's tumblr lol but when you said a digital detox, it's interesting cuz i feel like i've been having one since tom's new project was announced? gOD i don't wanna get into it bc i get so triggered but i've been off of instagram since then bc instagram stans literally stand by tom through whatever even when something ain't right- i’m just gonna leave it there bc i’ll continue the rant, but yeah so i took a break lol

also heard abt your driving lesson thing (?) was it that bad? i can't find the old post but someone asked if you hooked up with your lesson person and i was sOOO CONFUSED LMAOO LIKE OK ARIA GET SOME BUT UHH HUH?

now to address the actual response HAHA the way you touch my heart :') by :') bringing :') up :') halle :') being ariel :') (i honest to God don't remember if i brought this up first, forgive me if i did, it's been a minute lmao) i'm always talking about it and i'm pretty sure my family is so tired of me talking about it lmao, but YEAH when i found out they weren't twins i was so surprised but idk why i always thought they were twins? but YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE WITH THE DISNEY TALK- everyone is always like "tiana is my favorite princess" and yea she's strong and stuff but...... she was a frog. for almost the whole time. it's about time we got another one!! i do agree with some people on the fact that disney should just make another black princess but halle is adorable and i was ariel on stage so it's already really special to me :')

yeah lol there are good times with my brothers but they make me mad for a good portion of the time (there's the 12yo vincent and the 7yo daniel but vincent??? psshhh he is a piece of work and i'm not sure how much longer i can put up with him HAJAH AND YES VINCENT IS THE ONE WHO WAS 👁👄👁WHEN I CRIED AND THE ONE WHO DOESN'T LISTEN TO MUSIC- writing this now makes it sound like vincent is awful. which he isn't... we're working on him ig. not to add to the awfulness but no, he listens to obnoxious loud VIDEO GAME MUSIC and won't stop when we ask him to stop... he gets beat up a lot) anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌

yeah let me know if you end up watching it (wandavision)! i think it's great but if you like it lmk!! tfatws is sooo good like PHEW i am honestly loving it. sidenote: j*hn w*lker makes me wanna jump through the screen and choke him to the ground. i was thinking right, and the falcon and the winter soldier (THATS SO MUCH EASIER FAJHKDAH) would techinally be like a 10 hour movie right? because every episode is an hour long and there'll be 10 episodes? like wow. i get what you mean though, abt the racism in the show etc, like looking forward to it but not like..... no i get what you mean i will not try and give another example lol but you make me wanna learn more languages like really badly (bc of what you said about the german to american translation) & if you end up watching hamilton PLEASE LMK ABT THAT TOO HAHAHA i love it so much, same thing with lion king lmaoo

speaking of germany, i was at lunch on saturday with my mom and her friend and we were talking about my schooling and like-- she planted this idea in my head lol like what if i just got my GED and went around the world (to england probably) to get a theatre experience??? and i think it sounds so cool but no where near practical lol, it's just..... the dream haha and i would then try and learn a language 😉

uh yes we absolutely should order basically a resturant meal at a cinema, how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?

also about cherry (which i still haven't watched yet lol) i got the timestamps from tumblr😌 i couldn't find them anywhere else, but i agree, i probably wouldn't even look twice at cherry if tom wasn't in it? like i liked tdatt a lot, but it's not a movie i would be itching to see ya know?

HAHAHAHA THE 24 HOUR NOTIFICATION- i think i have around 1030 hours on sims? but i've had it since 2019 lmao (reading the screenshots, yes u are 100% a genuis, i take screenshots too but on anon you can't upload them so i just read them and retype what i wrote lmao) i think the university experience in the game is fun, but time consuming and it's all work imo. idk why i do it so often tho 😭😭😭

and agreed!! when you're making good money in the game you have to find other ways to make it interesting. my cousins who play it just continously do "motherlode" and i'm like.... then what do you do in your game?? it just sounds boring to me... my current sims household, i had a famous comedian sim, her name was dylan, aND SORRY IM LAUGHING SO HARD WHILE WRITING THIS BC ITS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF THE UNI THING UNLESS IM JUST DUMB, she went to college for communications when i wanted her to be a comedian and when she graduated i realized that degree did nothing for the career 🥲 so yeah, i think i'm just dumb. but she had a kid in college, guy didn't stick around and she was pretty broke HA but then she got married to this (great) guy named steve, made good bank, had 5 more kids (two sets of twins and one more lol) but then she passed. uhm... yeah that's still an open wound . lol i'm kidding, but when you get rich like that, you have to find a way to make the game interesting and i chose a million kids.

(this was one giant paragraph until i broke it up uhh yeah) i seriously don't pay attention to the sims prices and just end up spending way too much money and not being able to finish the rest of the house😭 but then again, i'm so used to having sims live in apartments... if i end up building a house FIRST OF ALL it'll look like what you explained before lmao but i'll tell you if i actually end up building a house HAHA & planning out your sims game is so fun to me lol, did enisa and michael take in his daughter yet? i may be thinking too far ahead lol and i love that they fucked woohooed (i say woo woo lol) in celebration HAHA but when i was playing with this one couple i had them woo woo every night hoping the dude would have horrible pull out game and they would concieve, but one night they were too tired and i was like why? get back in there man. if i was in college and lived with my partner we would be fucking every night homie. be grateful. i have been talking a lot about sims, and like you said: enough 💀 i just love this game a lot 😭😭

SORRY LAST THING i think the sims romantic and sexual stuff is so nice bc its what i want?? LMAO IDK like the whole hot tub thing you're talking about- puh lease ITS JUST NICE TO SEE OKAY

i'm reading the german section over again and i said aloud "my german friend is so cool" lol (i was saying that to my brothers & i know they don't care LMAO) (& i'm glad the uni zoom call went well!!) so on a form, in german, it could possibily say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer because you would be a participant to an introductory event? i swear german sounds so cool 😌 but i love reading your german lessons!! it's really interesting, most of the time my brain can't comprehend it tho?? like that word makes sense to you, but i need a translation. like to be able to look at that and know what it says.... its just appealing and seems so cool lol i kinda wanna write something out in german but i feel that google translate will fail me. während googeln "google übersetzen" mein Computer war so verdammt langsam und es fühlte sich einfach wie etwas Gutes auf Deutsch zu sagen. ich bin nicht sicher, welches Wort ist "fucking", aber ich mag es lmao (did it fail me like i thought it would??)

LMAOOO THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP JUSTIN BC WHILE AT THE RESTURANT THEY PLAYED A JUSTIN SONG AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF YOU AND THIS STORY😭 lol i was thinking it's depending on your age but not even that either... i really don't know.... but tom's fans are hollanders💀 i would consider myself one? he's the only person i'm really into like that (like a lot lol) so idk lmao (directioners 💔💔the pain is real)

LMAOOO (both of these paragraphs started off with “lmaooo” smh) "i like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death" PLEASE, i don't like pete's blonde hair... i just don't. i'm not sure if i wasn't watching the most recent snls but yea. my mom thinks he looks like trash, but i think he's okay? like he said staten island people just look like trash LMAO and I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN KING OF STATEN ISLAND GIRL I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THAT!! now i'm gonna make plans to watch it lmao, & yes agreed i find pete hot, don't ask why i really couldn't explain it to someone he's just .

my favorite songs from rex are from pony oh my goodness 🥺 anywho i'm gonna go eat cereal (i ended up eating bun and cheese instead) and listen to the Stormzy songs you recommended... aria. aria aria aria. i would like to thank you for introducing me to stormzy i- i don't have any words or any emojis to express HOW GOOD STORMZY IS. i hope he's popular in germany/the uk because i haven't heard of him but GURLLLL

one second - delicious i love it. it's really good. it’s not my favorite from the album, but its great.

superheroes - at first i played the non-explicit one (on accident) and wondered why the words weren't playing but i was reading them in the lyrics??? THIS ONE THOUGH??? IS THE BEST SONG I THINK I'VE EVER HEARD. i am so SO SO into black people empowering songs (like brown skin girl by beyonce) and this song???? PHEW I CRYYYYY ITS SO GOOD.... i was gonna quote some lyrics BUT THERS TOO MANY I LOVE, "i am young, black, beautiful, and brave" "black queen, you're immaculate, it's coming at the world, they ain't ready for your magic yet, and that was never your fault" THAT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT- I ALMOST CRIED THIS SONG IS SO BEAUTIFUL (i played it twice lol)

lessons is another beautiful one, like its slow and it feels intimate and nurturing and just OO chefs kiss, beautiful . like you can feel the apology and the regret... it’s so good

own it - OWN IT OWN IT OWN IT IS AMAZING!! swear you would catch me dancing to this song, this song is so fucking good i cannot comprehend like this one might be my favorite for real... "it's the way you wind up your waist, i'm so in awe, you never have to worry abt nothing, you know its yours, you know you own it" 🥲 i played it two or three times honestly

rachael's little brother - YES I DID LISTEN TO IT LMAO AND YES I LIKE IT, its a very complex song and it's very layered in terms of emotions i think and i really like that about it. i probably won't listen to it that often, but its really good. i would recommend this song to my "older brother" bc he would just absolutely love this

shut up - i was taking this song seriously (also very good) until i heard him say shu-T up LMAO, this one is good, i probably wouldn't listen to it 24/7 like rachael's little brother but honestly its still fire

before listening to blinded by your grace and vossi bop, i know you brought up the religion bit, i definitely don't mind that, especially because i'm Christian lol and i actually liked that he brought up God in some of his songs like idk i just like it🥰🥰

(i then went to bed after that lol but first thing in the morning i listened to superheroes and... that song is probably my favorite tbh, i was gonna write MORE quotes that i loved from it but, yeah no there's too many. if you want i'll tell you lmao but this is already so long i would just be quoting the whole friggin song)

VOSSI BOP IS A BOP (lol) I CANT EVEN LIE, i love a song that hypes up a dude's girl so the line- i love that my phone decided to fail to load the lyrics, lemme google it, okay the lyric "looking at my girl like what a goddess" i was like AYEEE its honestly just really good. and no one in america says "sauce" like "i've got the sauce" but now i do (thanks to love island and Nas from last season) and now stormzy so (also im gonna watch the music video for superheroes bc it looks great so 😛)

(because this is already so long i feel like i shouldn't finish the rest but . no i'm gonna do it)

now for blinded by your grace pt2 idk why i’m nervous lmaoo PAUSE I'M NOT EVEN DONE WITH THE SONG GIRL THIS SONG IS *chefs kiss* no words, speechless PHEW y'all gon make me start jumping around. why did i not know about stormzy before, he is amazing i- ok yeah i finished the song, all i have to say is that Stormzy is immaclucate. period. i am literally sending his music to all my friends he is..... amazing

you want my song recommendations 🥺🥺 hmm uh okay lol i listen to a lot of old music, whitney houston, marvin gaye, queen, celine dion, i love "more than words" by extreme uhmm okay, but for actual music i listen to on the daily? (this is a lot of different music like.... they do not go together lmao so be prepared) a song about being sad by rex orange county, betty by taylor swift and lover by taylor swift and... most of that album lol, treasure by bruno mars lmao, OOOO and versace on the floor by bruno as well, lazybaby by dove cameron, creep by tlc has been on repeat lol, deja vu by olivia rodrigo (i saw what you said about drivers license and AGREED LMAO but i like deja vu a lot more haha) and two albums that i listen to in general, rare by selena gomez and ungodly hour by chloe x halle 🥰 you don't have to listen to all of them or any of them lol but that's a sense of what i'm into :) so basically everything haha, i'm into literally every single kind of music really so i wasn't too surprised that i enjoyed stormzy :’)

HAHASBSJHAHA your h20 story cracked me up,, like "wow these actors are so dedicated, learning german just for us" 😭 the beauty of overdubbing

once again, math and maths, in my mind maths makes sense because its mathmatics, but saying maths doesn't feel right to me lol, like if i said maths i feel like everyone would look at me like ??? and yea i was taught it as math so its just more natural for me. but yes math/maths is disgusting, easily one of my least favorite subjects so .

mkay. i- the first time i read this i could not contain my laughter when you said the only pollen you know is sex pollen LMAOKOOSHBABJFAJF STOPPP I'M EVEN LAUGHING WRITING THIS,, anyway. wow! that's interesting, my dad (<<< mostly anything else) gets migraines from the sun and the heat and stuff, yesterday (sunday, i was outside for like hours watching my brothers play football, the american kind lol) i was in the sun for like ever and i got a headache😔

summer clothes🥲 i need to go shopping fr fr. for my birthday my mom and dad got me a giftcard like dedicated to a shopping spree and we've yet to go so..... i should bring it up to my mom lol, but!! i went bra shopping (ended up returning literally all of them cuz they honestly didn't work for day to day work? its a long story) and if i could i would walk around in this new "summer bra" i got, i would. it's so fricking cute and its really light fabric (which isn't perfect for my nipples but still) so i don't get hot in it, but that bra and some shorts would be perfect. its the closest thing to being naked so

IS THE BIRD STILL BOTHERING U ARIA, TELL ME NOW ISTG, i laughed really hard that the bird isn't stupid and is really trying to torture you LMAOO like i was rolling, it wants you to suffer, badly

when you said "mensus" it was still close to mens!!! latin speaking queen 😌😌

okay STORYTIME i was reading back your response and started (fake) crying bc i love you lol and my youngest brother (daniel) gon say "oh man, catherine's crying about something we don't care about, again" I--- i swear when i tell you about them they sound awful, but they aren't that bad, just the stuff i say about them is sounds really mean LMAO

but the thing you said about being kind, same, what i always say is: don't be the person that makes people say "i hate people" ya know? like there's no reason to be a jerk or anything.... but its true 🥺🥺🥺🥺 you are really kind and every time i talk to you i would like to personally fly to germany and give you a hug 💖💕💞💗💓💝💖💘

& i'm gonna show my stretch marks some love bc of you 🥺😭 i really hate how men have basically everyone conditioned that you can't love your own body </3 fuck them, y'all beautiful :')

also thanks for what you said :')) you literally are the kindest, sweetest person i think i've ever spoken to and i love you 🥰🥺🥲💓💗

READING YOUR TAGS HAHAHHAHA the spelling errors makes everything so much funnier. once again, i like your german lessons & yea!! i'm gonna play sims after writing this hahah

#catherine's tags are back #i don't think i've told you my name before?? #anyway it's catherine🥰🥰🥰 #i'm typing this on my computer (without emojis) and if i didn't edit this you would be reading shit shite like #heartface and pout and cry LMAO #yeah abt the tattoos #some stuff with my parents i'm like deal with it??? lol #my mom tells me "if there's something you enjoy or you like but i don't have the same opinion on it... why would my (my mom's) opinion matter? #and i love that #like i'm not gonna go and do whatever i want #but if my mom doesn't like that i swear (which isn't true just an example) #its like okay.... #but whatever #and your tattoo ideas sound really cute!! #and yeah @ your parents, i mean you aren't getting something wild #and the tattoo album>>> #i'm gonna look up ariana's butterfly tattoos just so i know what you mean lol #but i'm guessing you don't want something so incredibily simple, but not super like over the top? #correct me if i'm wrong lol #LMAO the tags were in order don't worry ! #and yeah lol ily2 <33 #and once again, again, sorry for this post JSHJS ITS A MESS AND LONG AS HELL #and you don't need to go in order of my post its literally longer than your german compound words #u're fine #also !!! while writing this the birds were chirping outside and i was like 😳 #and one of your fics (i’ve read all of them, i don’t remember lol) that valentine’s day one where y/n had lingerie on (the pancake one lol) #inspired me to buy lingerie #like when i look back on me “growing up” #that fic & basically you lol really helped with that #that made no sense and i don’t know how to make it make sense... but... yeah. like ily

hiiiiiiiiiii <3333

Dear catherine, 😌

(you have said your name before, but it wasn‘t like an introduction or anything i think you were talking about .... was it possibly the incident at the cinema??? And you said something like ‘calm down catherine‘ like you were telling yourself to calm down idkd dkdkkdkd anyway i didn‘t mention it cause i wasn‘t sure if it was an accident or not dkdjd but now i know 😌❤️ Catherine is such a cute and lovely name btw omg and so are your brothers‘s names 🥰

Sorry that I‘m answering this so late, it‘s been an emotional rollercoaster for me since last week but i‘ll get to that in a second lol

Sksklssk girl i haven‘t played sims in like 2 weeks now ekejdkdlldld ok that‘s not that long at all actually but i keep wanting to play but then i end up not playing for whatever reason, so no news about my sims game 😔 but i love the names Liam and Peter and for twins!!! That sounds really nice actually

okay i‘m trying to answer your ask in chronological answer even though i wanted to wait for the depressing stuff and write it at the end or something OKAY so. i thought that i‘d feel so good when i start uni and that i‘ll like... have a purpose in life again and just be happy (cause in the last year i didn‘t do much and i was depressed like half of the time lol).... anyway i kind of feel even worse now? 😭 i think it‘s because in my brain it‘s like: university!!! that means your life will change and it‘ll all be so exciting. and don‘t get me wrong it is exciting butttt..... idk the online thing is so weird cause you‘re not meeting any new people (i‘m introverted anyway but still lol) and it doesn‘t feel like you‘re listening to/talking to actual people cause it feels the same as just watching a video?

also i thought i‘d be busy again but i only have one lecture (90mins) a day and theres one day where i dont have any lectures at all and just one day where i have 3 hours but.... idk i mean i shouldn‘t complain about having so much free time but i just don‘t know what to do all day and in a pandemic there really is nothing to do but i also can‘t relax bc it‘s like during the week and i know i have uni the next day and .... yeah.

There‘s also this one assignment i had to do that took me AT LEAST SIX HOURS AND IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING????? so that was the only thing i‘ve been doing besides “going to“ lectures. for this one course we have to read two (really really long) texts (like it literally took me 3 hours to read them) and we‘re supposed to post it on this website that all the professors in our uni use. So after 5 days of anxiety (✌🏼) i posted mine this morning bc last night i realised that i didn‘t even know why i was having anxiety so i just posted mine today. The deadline is tomorrow at 12 and no one except me has posted theirs yet........ so i have anxiety again 🥰 cause idk if i‘m the only one who did it or if i even did it correctly

Edit while i‘m rereading this: my anxiety about uni is a lot better and i‘m not as d*pressed anymore maybe it was just hormones? idk but i‘m better so that‘s good

(I started writing this like 5 hours ago and then i randomly completely forgot lol)

I‘m in a better mood now though so let‘s move on from that (oh wait also, i think i‘m gonna see if i can find a psychiatrist bc with my anxiety symptoms (long story) i need to go to a psychiatrist, and so far i‘ve only gone to like psycholgists and it didn‘t help but i think that‘s just bc i was meant to go to a psychiatrist and not a psychologist so dldjdjsj

n e ways but yes you‘re not alone, ily, things will get better and yes i love you (i‘m not good at this type of thing🥲 but i‘d hug you right now if i could <3)

Yess i think the time difference between est and me is 6hours but gmt is uk time i believe? i think mine is called.... cet? For central european time? I could be completely wrong though lmao

Oof i completely forgot about hollywood, i remember when laura kept posting about it on instagram but i never actually watched it and i definitely won‘t now lmaodkdksjsn

Okay my driving lesson LEBDJDKDK I DID NOT HOOK UP WITH ANYONE AKSJSKSMMLM especially not my 40 or 50 year old driving instructor lol i like her but NOT LIKE THAT, the lesson was really really really good actually and i think i‘ll have my driving test soon, but i don‘t even remember why the anon would have thought that??? Oh wait now i remember okay KEKSKDLDL so during the lesson my instructor was like do you mind if i turn on some music? AND THIS WOMAN TURNED ON ONE DIRECTION I LOVE HER so i made a post about it and i said something about the song up all night and i guess i phrased it in a .... idk in a dumb way 💀 so the anon made a joke that i stayed up with my driving instructor all night and NO. No.

Wait did i read that right? YOU WERE ARIEL ON STAGE? SIALDBDJDKSLMSBDKDMDMDKDJSLSMDJFJJEDMBFEKLEFBJDLDVSIDLESKSKWKDKDJDOWNYUEKWNDUWLNSUFLWVSUDLEHDOENSIDBEISBEHENJELBSIEMWUDNRIW KB WOBE JO ON SBEUU HIII S HWS LV W ICH US KB okay this keyboard smash is getting out of hand but uh please do elaborate on that 💘😌???? Like you can‘t just drop that information and not say more??? I forgot if you‘re in like your school‘s drama group (is that a thing? lol idk anything about acting) or in an independent group? Either way - ARIEL that is so fucking cool

Your brothers loooooool, no i get it though obviously you love them and stuff but esp at their age children are so annoying so good luck with them 😭😭😭lmao

Yeah “anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌“ yeah just me and my parents who constantly fight 🥰 lmao no i like being an only child, like i cannot imagine having siblings but i feel like if i had siblings i would be saying that i can‘t imagine being an only child so? but i do think it‘s quite different like i‘m trying to imagine having siblings and WHAT that‘s just so different omg i‘ve never really thought about it like properly ???

I saw a tik tok the other day that was like “sometimes i forget that my siblings have a life of their own. like i see them as side characters in my life“ and even though i can‘t relate obviously i felt that. lol, like i can really imagine how it feels idk what i‘m talking about like shut the fuck up, daria

(also my actual name is daria not aria but i dont like it, and also i wanted to be more anonymous on tumblr so now i‘m aria lmao. pls don‘t mention it though cause no one knows except for you and mel (peterbenjiparker) dkdkdkdnkdnd. but i‘m starting to identify with the name cause everyone keeps calling me that looool😭😭😭 (but i like the name, more than daria anyway? well it also depends on the accent, cause the way germans say daria is okay. the was Americans say it is also okay, but some of my family in England are from the north of england and i don‘t like how they say my name 💀 no offence to them(?) but yeah pls don‘t mention the name in your ask cause the chance of people seeing it is higher then (or if you want to say something about it just send a separate ask and i just won‘t post it (IDK what you‘d want to say about my name but yeah just in case slsldlldmsndnsns)

I‘m loving falcon and winter soldier so much but when i was watching an episode the week before last week (?) my laptop broke😭😭😭😭 during the scene where the dora milaje came at the end my laptop just shut down? And it had these lines all over the screen and i had to bring it to the shop where i bought it and they said it‘ll take 6-8 weeks to repair 💔💔💔 but at least it‘ll be for free, cause if i brought it back to apple it would cost like 400€ (i think that‘s nearly 500$) so yeah. but it sucks cause now i‘m “going to uni“ on a really old rusty laptop and on my phone which kinda sucks. oh yeah and also i can‘t watch anything on there 😭 i definitely want to watch wandavision but it‘ll have to wait🤧

Yessss you should def get your GED! I googled and I‘m still not entirely sure what it is dldks but from how you described it- YES!!!!!!

Idk if you know this? Like no idea if I‘ve told you this already (hmmm wait i feel like we talked about it actually?) anyway i was originally gonna go study in England, but for loads of reasons I ended up staying in Germany and I‘m def happy with my decision, but I definitely want to go to England sometime even if it‘s just for six months or maybe for my masters or something? And (obviously everyone is different) but i think everyone should go abroad and live in a different country once in their life, no matter if it‘s for school or what, and even if it‘s just for a few weeks. But i think that‘s something that you‘d never ever forget! And combining that with your acting/theatre??? You really would be living the dream 💘💘😌

how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?— sounds good see you soon 🥰🥰🥰

i used to be one of the people who‘d just do motherlode motherlode motherlode and just... what did i do? Why did i do that??? But not anymore lol. Like I said i haven‘t played sims in a few weeks but i‘ve been watching a few legacy challenge let‘s plays and usually i play with the aging off. So my sims just don‘t age 💀 but i could (should) turn aging on so that it stays exciting and i have limited time and everything. and once i get bored with my current sims i can just make them have kids and continue playing as their children when they get older- like recently i remembered that i haven‘t played the acting career in ages? and i haven‘t had a shop in ages? and i think you can even become a vet right??? like those are definitely some things i want to do in the next weeks!!! Also yes sksksjs i have a few hundred hours on sims as well (if not thousands 😭) it was just that one household that i‘d been playing with for 24hrs

AND GIRL SSKSKJD THE UNIVERSITY THING HAPPENED TO ME TOO, it was a while ago so i don‘t remember what degree and what job it was about but i made my sim study something for aaaaaages so she‘d get a better job from the beginning (you know what i mean like get in at a higher level)...... and i apparently studied the wrong thing cause i didn‘t get any benefits from studying and still had to start at level 1 and shit 🥴🥲

Oh also (this was like 2 weeks ago) Enisa and Michael did take in Michael‘s daughter and i think Enisa currently even has a higher/better relationship with the daughter than Michael but um💀💀💀 also i was hoping (since michael and enisa married (in their back yard i think lol) that the daughter (i forget what her name is😭) would have enisa as her step mom? Like you know how you can see the relationship and it says daughter or son or sister.. and i was hoping that it would say step mom but it doesn‘t say anything 🥲 but in my mind (and if the sims had proper family relations) she is her step mom😌 also Leo is a teenager now???? I mean I aged him up lol dkdk he was being too annoying as a toddler but i don‘t like children so i aged him up twice in one day and now he‘s a teen, but that means he can look after his half sister when she becomes a toddler which is good (the game recognises them as siblings tho even if they‘re just half siblings? why can‘t they have step family members in the sims🥲) okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

I‘ve been a bit sick these past few days and now i‘m getting a headache so i have to finish this response tomorrow 😭😭😭 </3

It‘s not tomorrow, it‘s 3 hours later but i‘m better lol

oooff when sims are ungrateful and won‘t woo woo (lol i like that) cause they‘re too tired like?? Be grateful that you‘re not living with your parents anymore 🙄 no okay dkdkdkdl idk if you play with mods (i don‘t) but i know there is a mod (or it‘s part of a mod idk maybe wicked whims?) where you can adjust the percentage of how risky a normal woo woo is, like you still click woo woo (3dksksks okay i‘ll say woohoo again— wait is that what’s it called? 😭) but there‘s like a 25% chance that your sim can still get pregnant just like in real life there‘s always a chance of getting pregnant even if you‘re using protection (just not 25% lmao) but yeah i personally don‘t play with mods sksk and you can always just click try for baby but it would be cool if you could add stuff like risky woohoo to the game without mods (i have no idea how to download mods and i play sims on a really really old laptop and sims is literally tje only thing that works on it anyway so—) i repeat my words from earlier: okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

okay i‘m so sorry i‘m gonna watch fast & furious 1 now cause i need to watch f&f 1-5 until the 30th of april cause they‘re only on netflix til then (i mean i could watch them somewhere else but the quality is never as good) so i will finish this tomorrow after all😭

it is now 1 am, i finished the film, can feel a new obsession coming up again (i always have these f&f obsessions for six months before and after a new film comes out)

THE GOOGLE TRANSLATE wkekdjdj tbh it sounds like someone is speaking with some kind of foreign accent i guess that‘s probably because it just is a direct translation and so anyway slsjsj i don‘t know if you asked me what the word fucking is in german? like idk cause the translation is a bit weird but in case you asked lol sidjsjs theres not really a good translation like we just say fuck for fuck lmao, i don‘t know if you typed in fucking in google translate and it came out as verdammt? cause that means damn (or damned sksjjs) ummm yeah idek if/what you asked so imma move on🤧

I‘m not gonna comment on what you said about every stormzy song cause you already said all the important things but SKSKSJSJSKNSNDBDUDOENWBSLSKKHSULSLSKSBSJSKSK I WAS SMILING SO HARD WHEN I READ YOUR RESPONSE FOR THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH finally i know someone who loves him as much as i do 💘💘💘 also since you brought it up, i‘m pretty sure he‘s considered the most successful UK rapper or if not then at least top 3 so he‘s defffffffffinitely big in the uk, in germany more and more people are listening to uk rap too but not as much stormzy cause theyre dumb apparently 🙄 but anywY i‘m sooooo sooo happy that you like him. i think hith came out end of 2019 (i could be wrong but i think it came out on the 13th of december so (in a european way) you‘d write the date: 13.12 and obviously i don‘t KNOW this but i can definitely imagine that he chose that date because ACAB and yes, Michael. Yes. But he hasn‘t made too much music since then so i hope he‘s working on some new stuff 🤞🏼

Also i ordered the stormzy poster😌 also a nicki minaj one bc i decided i‘m gonna have one wall with red-ish posters (i already have two kinda red ones) and one with blue/green-ish posters (already have two) and i can add stormzy to the blue one and nicki to the red one, but i think that‘s it cause if my walls are tooo full it could look cluttered? I‘m not sure how that type of thing works lmao but my room is generally untidy so i don‘t want the walls to look unorganised too so i think that‘s it for now

I really want to finish this now but my brain is getting kinda slow and i need to sleep soon so this will have to wait till later after all 🥺🥴 (not that it makes and difference to you bc you‘ll see this whenever i post it buttttt i wanted you to know that i want to talk to you again but with my slow brain i‘m just taking too long to do it in one day😭😭😭 and i‘m so busy tomorrow hmm but i‘m sure i‘ll have 30 minutes to finish this then <3)

Okay wait I‘m so dumb I didn‘t realise I‘d nearly answered everything i could have posted this yesterday 😭😭

Oooohh that summer bra sounds so nice like if i was confident enough i literally would just wear a top that resembles a bra (or really is a bra lol) cause my tiddies always be looking amazing i‘m just insecure about my stomach sometimes 🙄🙄🙄 but recently i‘ve been loving myself more and more tbh 😌

also i hope you can go shopping for some nice clothes soon ✨😌

I‘ll be honest I haven‘t listened to your song recs YET but only because i wanna take my time with them and i‘ve been so busy and slso AJ tracey‘s album came out last week and I haven‘t listened to that one yet either so ekdkdj (he‘s also a uk rapper like quite popular and successful as well, but i feel like i‘m not gonna like his album cause whenever i‘m looking forward to an album it ends up being really bad and the albums where you weren‘t expecting it turn out to be bangers.... so yeah but i‘ll let you know when i listen to your songs!!!! :)

Omg i keep having to scroll up all the way to see the next thing you said so sorry if I completely miss some of the things you said😭😭

So when you sent this the bird was still bothering me oh my FUCK DKDLDMMDMDMD but now i‘ve been going to bed at like 1-2am so the bird is probably still asleep lool

Okay and for the rest of your ask my response is: 💘💖❣️💚❣️💛❣️💛💕💞❤️💓💟💞💕💕💖💘💝💟💟🧡❤️🧡💞💛💚💓💚💚💚❣️🧡💖💘🧡💝🧡💕💘🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥰🥺🥺💘💘💘💘💘 (okay that looked cuter in my head i don‘t really like the green hearts dldkkdksndnd)

#lovely anon #<3333333333333 #‚‘it‘s literally longer than your german compound words‘ LMAODKDMSLDKSLKS #ignore the comma at the beginning of the last tag????#aww wait i just read what you said at the end of your tags🥺🥺💘💘💘#love youuuu #ooooof i‘m reading my response and do i not know what a period is? like period as in. full stop.#my sentences are literally paragraphs and i use keyboard smashes to separate sentences from each other like what‘s wrong with me???#or ‚lol‘ snd ‚lmao‘#imma need me to do better (did you listen to heavy is the head as a whole? like the whole album? the song do better is stuck in my head toda #today so)#i‘ll try to write normal length sentenced in the future💀#sentencessss*

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burgers-and-french-fries · 5 years ago

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Eggsy Unwin: Papa Wolf.

This imagine was made with the help of my good friend (You know who you are). I did add elements that we hadn’t talked about but nevertheless, I think it turned out really well. Sorry for any grammatical error or any other various mistakes.

===

Today was one of the rare days that Eggsy had a day off but even rarer because his mother had time to herself and decided that she would ask her son to look after his little sister and of course he jumped at the chance. He made his way to where his mum and sister lived. When he got there, he knocked on the door and waited. Eventually Michelle opened it and threw her arms around him "I'm glad you could do this son." She said as she ended the hug. "Thanks for letting me hang out with Dais." Eggsy replied with a warm smile as his mother ushered him in. "Do you want something to drink?" Michelle asked with nervousness as Eggsy walked toward his little sister who was watching tv. "No thanks mum." He replied as he picked up the little girl, bringing her over to their mother. "Go mum. I've got this." Eggsy encouraged. Michelle nodded and smiled. "Thank you Eggsy. Bye Daisy, you be good for your brother." She said as she hugged both of them and walked out the door.

"Well luv, looks like it's just you and me." Eggsy said as they looked at each other. Daisy laid her little head on his shoulder and sighed. Eggsy smiled and rubbed her back as he walked to the sofa to sit down. He turned the tv channel and watched whatever was on that channel and let Daisy fall asleep in his arms. He loved the feeling holding his sister. It made him feel loved and wanted. Eggsy stayed on the sofa with his sister for about an hour before she woke up. "Hello sleepy head." He said when he felt Daisy's little fingers move against the skin of his neck. "Shall we go and get some fresh air?" The man asked. Daisy nodded her head and Eggsy went about getting her ready for going out.

Eggsy and Daisy went to the park so that they could watch the ducks in the pond. Daisy sat in her pram smiling and pointing her little finger at various different things that intrigued her. "Duck." Daisy said as she leaned forward and pointed. Eggsy beamed at her. "Good job Dais. That's right." He praised as he kissed her little hand. They stayed there a little while longer before Eggsy felt his stomach growl. "Why don't we go and get some food." He said as he stood up and pushed the pram in the direction of where he wanted to go. They walked for a little longer before they made it to your café. "Hi baby." He greeted as he stood at the counter with the pram by his side. Y/N smiled. "Hi." She replied. "If you want to find a table, my shift is almost over." She said as she pointed to where the tables where. Eggsy nodded and walked over to them with Daisy.

"Thanks for waiting babes." Y/N said as she sat down across from her boyfriend and next to Daisy who was in a highchair at the end of the table. "You're welcome." He responded. "Dan is bringing the usual for us and I asked him to bring Daisy some chicken nuggets and juice." Y/N said as she handed Daisy a colouring page and crayons. The little girl took them happily and started to colour. Eggsy smiled at his girlfriend. "I fucking love you." He said as he watched Y/N interact with his sister. "I love you too." She replied as she kept her eyes on the girl. Dan came a few minutes later with the food for them. They all ate with the exception of Daisy who insisted on throwing cut up chicken nugget at her brother. "Daisy. That's not very nice." Y/N said. "Thank you." Eggsy replied as he picked up the recent piece to be thrown. Daisy threw another piece but this time Eggsy caught it. He looked at his sister and you could see the disapproval in his eyes and you took Daisy out of the high chair and place her on your lap and began to feed her the rest of her food.

"So this is what it looks like." Eggsy said after a few minutesas he admired the sight before him of Daisy trying to feed you a soggy chip. You looked up at him in confusion. "What are you on about?" You asked. Eggsy smiled at you and pulled out his phone to take a picture of both you and his sister. You smiled as you looked down at Daisy who was smiling and pointing at her brother. When he took the picture, he showed you in hopes that you would see what he meant. You took the phone and by the look of your faces in the picture, you knew he was thinking of you two with a child who was perched on your lap. "I see what you mean." Y/N said but before she could say anything else, Dan came around the corner and told her that her break was over. "I'll see you at home Eggsy. Get Daisy home safely. I love you." She said quickly as she stood up and passed Daisy to him and kissed him before rushing off without another word. Eggsy smiled to himself and looked at the little one in his arms. "Let's get you home. Mum should be back soon." He said as he stood up and left for his mum's flat.

As Eggsy walked past the familiar buildings of his old neighbourhood, he began to get a sinking feeling that something was going to happen. As he got Daisy out of her pram and hauled it up the stairs with him, the door to his mum's flat flew open to reveal a very drunk dean. This was the last thing that Eggsy needed. All he wanted was to go inside with his sister and wait for his mum. "Oi." Dean hollered after Eggsy who had been able to walk past the drunk unscathed. Eggsy locked the flat door after he walked in and then he put Daisy in her playpen. "Eggsy you fucker! Open the door!" Dean screamed on the other side of the door. Eggsy flinched a little at the sudden shrill sound of Dean's voice. Eggsy picked his sister back up, suddenly feeling very protective over her. "Fuck off Dean!" Eggsy yelled back. The front door flew open and Dean flew at Eggsy and tried to pry the little girl from Eggsy's grip. Eggsy blocked Deans advances with his back and placed the crying girl on the floor and turned around went bat shit crazy on Dean.

Punch after punch, Dean got angrier and despite all of Eggsy's efforts, Dean managed to pick up the girl. "Let her go Dean!" Eggsy bellowed with panic. "No!" Dean spat. Daisy screamed and cried while trying to reach for her brother. Eggsy flew forward and in the blink of an eye, grabbed his sister and knocked Dean out. Eggsy brought a still screaming Daisy close to his chest and ran his free hand through her little curls. "It's ok. I'm here." Eggsy said as soothingly as he could. Eggsy called the police and not long after that, they hauled Dean off.

Michelle came home about an hour later to see Eggsy and Daisy asleep on the sofa. She could see that her son was covered in cuts and bruises. She looked at her daughter and saw the dissipating red blotches on her tiny features. "What the hell happened here?" She chided when she realized that the flat was in shambles. "Gary! What the hell?" Michelle asked when she saw him looking at her. "Dean. He was in in the flat when Daisy and I got back from lunch with Y/N. He was pissed off his mind and tried to take Daisy. I fought him off and he's been locked up again. We fell asleep not long after. Dais was beside herself." He explained as Michelle's face softened. "Thank you for protecting her." She said as she sat next to her son and laid her head on his shoulder as she rubbed her daughter's back. "You going to be ok tonight?" Eggsy asked. Michelle nodded. "If we need anything, I'll call." She whispered as she carefully took Daisy from him. Eggsy stood up and stretched. "You better get cleaned up before that girlfriend of yours gets home." She said. Eggsy smiled and made his way out of the flat.

"Eggsy, I'm home." Y/N called. "I'm in the kitchen." He called back. She took her coat off and walked to the kitchen to find her boyfriend icing his bruised hand. "What the fuck happened to you?" Y/N gasped as she saw his whole appearance. He didn't answer. "It was Dean wasn't it?" She asked as she stood behind him running her fingers through his hair. Eggsy growled at the mention of Dean's name. Y/N laughed. "Did you just growl like a dog?" She asked as she looked down at him. "Growled like a wolf more like." He corrected. "Can you give me a brief summery of what happened?" She asked. "He tried to take Daisy." He replied flatly. "oooooo" Y/N said. not for the fact that Eggsy got hurt but more for Dean. Y/N knew how protective her boyfriend over his mum and sister. If anybody threatened them, ooh shit, they better hope he doesn't find out.

"How about we order pizza, drink beer and lay in bed?" Y/N offered. Eggsy just looked at her and shook his head. "What do you want to do then?" She asked. Eggsy pulled something out of his pocket. "Why the hell do you have a pregnancy test. Are you pregnant?" Y/N teased. Eggsy burst out laughing at her comment. "I want you to take it." He said. Y/N raised her brows at him. "Why?" She asked. "Is this because of me throwing up all of Tuesday?" She asked again. He nodded. She leaned down to kiss him and took the test from him. She walked to the bathroom where she proceeded to take the test. When she was finished, she walked back to her boyfriend. "what made you think of buying this? I mean other then the Tuesday fiasco." Y/N asked as she leaned against the dinning table. "I don't know. I guess after today I need something happy." He replied softly. What he didn't know was that Y/N already knew that she was pregnant. She hadn't told him yet because she waiting for the right moment.

When she was upstairs 'taking' the test, what she was really doing was setting up the surprise for him. The timer went off on her phone and she took his hand and they walked upstairs to the bathroom. She let Eggsy go in first so that he could see the display. Y/N had placed a stuffed wolf toy on the sink with a onesie and pregnancy test in front of it. "Fuck! Are you pregnant?" Eggsy shouted with excitement. "Eggsy, I already knew that I was pregnant. Your mum came with me to the doctor today. That's partly why she went out today." She explained. Eggsy's eyes welt up tears and he hugged his girlfriend despite feeling immense pain from his injuries. "I love you baby." He said as he kissed her. "I love you too Papa Wolf." She replied with a smile.

===

I hope that you enjoyed this.

#taronegertonimagines #taronegertonxreader #eggsyunwin #eggsy unwin imagine #taronegerton #kingsman #fanfic

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redwineconversation · 3 years ago

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PSG - OL Postmatch Interviews

Note: Will do Issy for prosperity sake but otherwise will be taking a break from translating stuff until the season actually starts again in the fall.

WENDIE RENARD INTERVIEW

Journalist: This season, it was a really big season at the end with the Champions League final and the [league] title. I almost want to stay that this was about reminding people of the order of things. Is that what you had in mind?

Renard: No, it's pretty much the same mentality we had after the Champions League. We don't have to prove anything to anyone. I think our pedigree speaks for itself. Now, the seasons add up but they don't look the same. This Paris team, they're a talented team. Each year they are there, they're contenders. It's up to us to step up as well. Last season we didn't win any trophies. We had to look at what went wrong - with the president [Jean-Michel Aulas] as well, with the [club's] institution because when you're not winning, it's because something isn't working, especially when we have the quality and the players to do so. This year we had it innately, collectively, to do a good season. As I said each time when we start a season, when it ends like this, it's nice.

Journalist: It's also the work of an entire group, with Sonia Bompastor, who had the year to really work with you.

Renard: Yeah, we had - even from the beginning, when we started - she immediately put down the objectives. She said that the Lyon mentality, we had to get it back. And we did that. So yeah, really happy. Collectively - unfortunately, there are some who are at home. I'm thinking as well of those who are injured, Ellie [Carpenter], Marozsan. It's the work of a whole group. Amel [Majri], who is pregnant. It's nice for them. They started the season, but unfortunately weren't able to finish it. As a group, we did - we got the job done tonight. We defended as a whole, we attacked when needed, and, yeah, it's good.

Journalist: As you said, it's a nice end of the season. You talked about Amel [Majri], who will be giving birth soon. And the Euros are coming up soon, the list is coming out. It'll really be the crown on a magnificent season, with the French National Team this summer.

Renard: Yeah, for sure. But we have to finish things. We still have Issy at home left. We have a few days to recover, which we will savor because the season was complicated. But it was good, it finished perfectly. So it's good. After, the Euros - the coach will give the list, and we'll have time to quietly get in the right state of mind.

Journalist: It'll be a good celebration on Wednesday, with the Champions League trophy and the D1 Arkema.

Renard: Yeah, exactly. Before we wrap up I just want to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers, to my sisters, and especially to my mother. I sent her a nice message. Without [mothers], we aren't anything. So I love you, take care of yourselves. God bless.

CATARINA MACARIO INTERVIEW

[Interview switches between French and English so the switch is flagged]

Journalist [in French]: Congratulations. It's another title after having celebrated the Champions League title 8 days ago. Now it's the French Championship that you can celebrate tonight. I imagine that you are really happy.

Macario [in French]: Yeah, of course. It was especially important [to win] against Paris, our rival. But yeah it was good, at their home ground as well because, well, that's the way it is. It's better when it is at theirs. It's something they did to us last year, at our home ground. So it's good. And we knew that after the Champions League, there was still work to be done. So today we can - [team celebrations can be heard off camera] we can celebrate a little bit more. And yeah. That's the way it is.

Journalist [in French]: Catarina, well done for the French. We knew that you came to Lyon to win titles. Last year wasn't the right year. This year, it was almost the perfect season, no?

Macario [in French]: Yeah, yeah. I didn't just come here for the titles, but also to become a better player from before. So I'm really happy to have progressed, and also to win titles. It's really important for me and for the team, because we're really good players, and we worked really hard this season to go get [the titles]. But yeah, now we're really happy. We talked with the President [Jean-Michel Aulas] just now, and he also is really happy to have a [winning] team. So yeah, it's our job.

Journalist: Thanks. We're going to switch to English, because you don't have to play another game tonight in French. So let's speak a little bit in English, just to congratulate you. On a personal aspect, you also had a great season, you scored already 23 goals, you're the best striker of the team so far. This year, you also showed us that you are a great, great player, no?

Macario: Thank you, yeah. That definitely means a lot. As I said earlier, I came here not only to win titles but to become a better player than how I arrived. And that has definitely been the case so far. And I'm super happy that I have been able to help the team and make such a great impact by just scoring goals, making assists, or just playing well in general. And I think that really comes to show that not only [making an assist?] [Note: it's incredibly difficult to make out what she is saying because she is looking off to the side while the French interpretation is going on, but the French interpretation skips over that sentence] but also helping win the title. And yeah, just couldn't be happier. And I hope to keep going and do it again next season.

Journalist: If you had to just pick one or two moments during this season, which one would it be?

Macario: Ooooh. I mean the best has definitely been winning the Champions League final. That is just ... It was a tremendous atmosphere and a dream come true like no other, really. And I think - I think that the fact that we were considered the "underdogs" made it even more special, you know. [Macario looks visibly irritated] Because you know, the fact that we're Lyon and we're considered underdogs... I don't know, it was a little bit funny. But yeah, I think we really had something to prove. And you know, we showed up. We played really well and we set the tone from the start. So I think that made it even more special. And that made us able to come out on top.

Journalist: Catarina -

Macario: And it was my first title with Lyon.

Journalist: Catarina, thank you again. Keep your smile. We want to see it again in a few days here on Wednesday with the fans, and to celebrate it again here in Lyon.

Macario: Yes, sir. Sounds good.

SONIA BOMPASTOR INTERVIEW

[Bompastor had gotten soaked right before the interview]

Journalist: So to start, a big congratulations on getting the title back from Paris Saint Germain. But before I ask you a question, you're soaking wet. What happened?

Bompastor: Well, we celebrated that. We're really enjoying it. And obviously, water bottles were opened in the locker room. I was particularly targeted. But yeah, it's good, it's cool.

Journalist: Turning back to the match, to the win. Beyond all that, there's the title you got back from Paris right here. The symbolism is pretty strong.

Bompastor: Yeah, symbolically it is pretty significant. Obviously Paris won the title last season. The calendar allows us to come here tonight and give us the possibility of getting back the title of French Champions on Paris' home field. I think it was important to do that. Once again I really want to give credit to all my players. Throughout the season they showed a lot of moral values. There's quality, there's talent, that goes without saying. But the values of the group allowed us to get the objectives we set for ourselves. And once again this evening that even when it was difficult in the game, we know how to show solidarity. There were five official confrontations against Paris Saint Germain this season, to have beaten that team four times is a real accomplishment.

Journalist: Yeah I wanted to talk about the mental strength of the players. It would have been understandable if there was a lapse in mental concentration after the Champions League Final, but they all showed up tonight.

Bompastor: Yeah... Yeah. I have a group that knows exactly what the top level is like, what high intensity games are like. Even if it was natural that there would be a little dip in form, especially mentally after the Champions League final against Barcelona, I know my players are capable of getting back to the level of expectations necessary to perform at this level. These are really quality players. I think that they proved this season with the double that as a whole we were the best team of the season, but there's a lot of individual talent as well. I think there are really good players in the team, and I'm really proud of them.

Journalist: There's one game left on Wednesday. Need to finish this season with style.

Bompastor: Exactly. It's the match where the trophy will be presented to us. But it was important to win today and finish the season with a celebration at the final game. But you know you can count on us to show respect to the league and to our opponents. So we'll play and show respect to Issy. The best way to do that is to finish with a win. One of the objectives is to finish undefeated. We have an eight-point lead on Paris, which is a lot. So everything is aligned and we are happy.

Journalist: Are you still going to go back and celebrate in the locker room?

Bompastor: Oh yeah, for sure. Those moments are important, you know. A season isn't always linear, isn't always easy. So when there are moments of joy like this, you have to embrace them. Life is short. Enjoy it.

CHRISTIANE ENDLER INTERVIEW

Journalist: Congratulations first of all on this title. I imagine there's a lot of happiness tonight.

Endler: Yeah, thanks a lot. We're finishing an amazing week after [winning] two titles. We couldn't have finished any better. It was good.

Journalist: How was it in the locker room?

Endler: Ah, it's a party. It's a party over there. We're happy, really happy. So proud of the whole team because it wasn't easy. The year finished well. There were two objectives, we got both of them. And, and we're really happy.

Journalist: You showed a lot of concentration, a lot of determination. You were coming off a Champions League final win, there was this matchup against Paris, but you showed up for it.

Endler: It wasn't easy to come back after a big game against Barcelona. The concentration, the energy - it's at the end of the season. There was a bit of energy missing. But we improved, especially in terms of the team's concentration. And there was all the determination we had to win the league. It was really important for us to bring the championship home. And we are really proud of that.

Journalist: And even more, this title was won at Paris.

Endler: Yeah, at Paris, it's special. Last year I won the same title here as well. But it's special. It's special to win it here with OL. It's special for me. And I hope it's the first league title [with OL] of many.

Journalist: You don't want to let the title go.

Endler: Ah, no. No no. It stays here [with Lyon].

Journalist: What's next? Are you going to go celebrate the win a little bit more?

Endler: Yeah, we're going to celebrate a little and then go home, because we have one game left on Wednesday. It's important to finish well.

#all good love stories start in the rain

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mina-van1104 · 6 years ago

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❤️💙Born & raised in Northern Nevada- lived there all my life & proud celebrating Chinese New Years (every year) & particularly this week. Again, whatever ethnicity or race you are I will never judge you; & always be proud of your race as long as you’re not belittling or offending other people than being you, always be proud of your culture & your roots & always be respectful of all people of different high vibrational religions & always be respectful of all cultures. •

•

No race, ethnicity, or religion is better than any other, everyone has their own biased opinions but know everyone needs to be respectful of all of them. 💕 So thankful for family, friends (close or not close friends, new or old friends, weather we talk a little or not anymore, coworkers, former coworkers, strangers, or not ), my 4 pets (🐺🐶2 dogs, 🐱cat, & 🐰rabbit), my accomplishments in life big & small; I’m thankful to be alive & I love ya’ll!! 💕 •

•

Even though, SOME people misjudge or misunderstand me I love ya’ll & I say this also because I’ve been faced with a lot of evil, prejudiced, & not so nice people in town recently (big changes good & bad) & I just want to say like Michelle Obama 💙 “When they go low, you go high” You don’t stoop down to their level due to their ignorances, insecurities, & jealousies. You’re better than that and whether you believe it or not, bad Karma will come to them & you don’t have to do anything.•

•

I just hate gossip & unnecessary drama & rumors. Whoever made up rumors about me around 2016-2017 & used my pictures pretending to be me on Social Media, using my phone number, you obviously need a life. It was hard for me to get hired at certain areas & certain hospitals at the time due to untrue things said about me due to their jealousies & racism, even though I have a Bachelors Degree, including 2 college degrees, & 2 extra Medical Licenses, with my 6-7 years of hospital work experiences paid or unpaid (& obviously am well-qualified). •

•

Also, Nevada needs to make a law that people who are BORN in Nevada & are from Nevada should have FIRST PRIORITY in getting hired- NOT hire out of staters first (no offense) & not get UNDER-paid. Also, Nevada needs to take discrimination more seriously- every company say they don’t discriminate but obviously racism is everywhere & the company has to take it more seriously. •

•

I’m thankful I got hired & paid at different hospitals, but do know hard work does pay off & it’s not always the easiest to get there but wherever you are in life right now, never give up or get discouraged on your dreams due to what idiots have said or what ever you’re going through. If something doesn’t work out several times- it most likely was not meant to be, you were meant to be something better. We were meant to cross paths & I’ve learned some lessons in life because of it & it has made me stronger. •

•

Whatever you guys are going through, whether we know each other well or not, or don’t talk as much as we used to, you have my back- & I love ya’ll. 💕•

• I don’t really associate with others who insults other people, people who insult other people are truly known as “low lives.” Insulting other people DOES NOT make you look better. Just know if you are genuinely a good person, I’ll be on your side or be your best friend forever if you want me to 💕. •

•

Remember: Jealous people tell lies to rip relationships apart, so DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR! "Strong people do not put others down, they lift others up." "Great minds talk about ideas, average minds talk about events, and small minds talk negatively about people." Don't let negativity bring you down. Do whatever makes you happy as long as it doesn’t offend others. •

•

Also, keep texting me or text me back! I’ll always try to text back in time💕. I didn’t change my number for so many years even when there was suspicious activity on it so I might add a new phone number to stop certain chaos, hacking, & other annoying calls or other stuff but not yet. If you want to hangout- let’s hangout- we’re adults & busy with our lives; but I always try to make room for people in our busy lives: even certain family I barely talk to anymore. I’m always here.•

•

❤️ I am 100% real & want to let you know, I usually mean everything I say. Whatever you’re going through, you can do it!💪🏼😊💕& life goes on. •

•

Also to all the haters trying to make me move- you haters are jealous & are the TRUE losers - not me or my family- I was BORN & raised in Nevada-lived in Reno & Sparks my entire life- family lived in same house for literally thirty years- proud Asian American- & I’ll always love Nevada & love America even-though we have a corrupt leader of America (*cough, cough dishonest Trump) & “Twilight Zone” politics now... I’ll always be proud to be an American & always have. Nevada will always be my home.💙•

Can’t wait for new adventures in the future weather I will move or not with long-term or short-term goals- those haters never win.💕 I love my life & when you try to ruin it- God has my back & bad Karma will give you what you deserve & I don’t need to do anything, because I know it’s true & always try to stay positive. 🙏🏼💕💪🏼😍😘.•

•

# Selfie # PositiveVibes # blessed # athletic # blue 💙 # Winter # StayPositive # NevadaProud # NativeNevadan # PositiveVibes # grateful # puppies # cute # dogs # MiniAustralianShepherd # MiniAussie # RedMerle # AustralianShepherd # MiniHusky # husky # HuskyMix 💎🐾🏃🏻‍♀️💪🏼 # happiness # RenoNevadaBornSparksRaised # HomeMeansNevada # Nevada # UNRnevadaAlumnaMay2016🎓 🐾 # PostUniversityGraduate 🎓 # WolfPackAlumna 🐾 # BachelorsHealthSciences # PublicHealth 🐺 # 2CollegeDegrees # 2ExtraMedicalLicenses # AllAccomplished 👊🏼 # AlreadyAllAchieved # TrueAccomplishments # NoFilter #integrity # honesty # humble # kind ✌🏼 # RenoBornSparksNative 🤙🏼🐾

🐶

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kc4ksu · 8 years ago

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Transition

Ironman Texas 2017, in Houston, Saturday, April 22, handed me a proposal on the word quit. On my bike in this race at mile 90 is when I decided to look into this proposal. I studied it in depth for 22 miles until I reached 112. Those 22 humiliating miles highlighted every reason why I should quit. I was convinced, by mile 112, to quit. It was time to vacate this race.

Plan A, my only plan, was to compete with the elite for a Kona Qualifying spot.

“If you fail to plan you are planning to fail,” Benjamin Franklin. And, I failed to make a back-up plan, a Plan B.

I have two incredible nieces and nephew, and their ages together add up to less than 22. I call them The Minions.

A couple weeks post-Ironman Texas The Minions and I watched an animated movie. One scene in particular caught our attention. It was about a hippopotamus and its naive audience at a zoo. The audience, who went silent at first sight of this incredible four-legged beast, erupted into excitement after a quick study. They had never laid eyes on an animal of this stature.

The hippo’s reaction to its audience was quite different. It stood motionless for a moment facing the audience and analyzing the situation. Then, casually turned 180 degrees, and began to spin its tail at increasing speed. A loud sound squeaked from its butt to provide the gift of smell to its audience. Then came the big surprise! Its tail launched dung in all directions. The audience’s faces were splattered with poo.

The poo-stricken faces reminded me of Ironman Texas and an inability to avoid disaster.

“I’m done, man. My legs and arms have been cramping since mile 90 on the bike. I ‘soft peddled’ the last 22 miles. Mentally and physically, everything is gone. Honestly, Newland, I can’t wrap my mind around a marathon at this point. A ‘finish’ isn’t why I’m here,” I said to Jason Newland who stood opposite me on the spectator side of a 4-foot tall chain link fence.

I was several hundred steps away from the T2 tent where I would soon, but not soon enough, disappear and hide from reality, or so I thought.

Both my arms draped over the chain-link fence, and as I looked at Newland he was at a loss for words. My actions weren’t fair to him as we stood face to face in this awkward situation. It was our current reality, and 180 degrees from this morning’s high fives in anticipation of crushing the race.

“Come on man, you don’t have anything to prove. It’s totally cool if you hand in your chip and call it a day,” Newland said.

Exactly what I wanted to hear! Newland’s words were comforting. Permission for freedom. It was so eloquent in this moment of despair. A type of despair I call a First World Problem. This is a problem we can easily escape by making a choice. For example, I choose to eat because I’m hungry. It’s not a life or death situation.

“Hey, one more thing,” Newland said loud enough to hear as I started walking towards T2. “You might regret it if you quit.

He deleted the one comfortable thought in my head. Newland cracked my skull open, reached in and pulled out every ‘you don’t have anything to prove’ thought, and crushed all justifications to support the proposal I studied for 22 miles on the word quit. A 26.2 mile run seemed impractical. No, it seemed impossible.

Liz, my wife, landed in Mallorca, Spain, at about the same time I was in my First World Problem. She booked this trip to shadow one of the best tri-coaches ever for a week, Brett Sutton, . She was devastated with the overlap on her trip with Ironman Texas. But this opportunity to shadow Sutton was a no-brainer to continue developing her coaching skills.

At Ironman Texas Liz wanted someone there for me who would say the right thing at the right time, especially in adverse situations.

She chose Newland.

Liz said, “Newland’s the next best thing besides me at Ironman Texas.”

Good choice. He’s a natural leader with a no-nonsence attitude, and no filter between his thoughts and mouth. He is sought after successful pediatric infectious disease MD at Wash U in St Louis. A 2x IM Kona Qualifier. And, simply put, he is a hell of a friend with a history of rising above anything or anyone who poses a challenge to success.

As I continued to walk further away from Newland, and closer to T2, athletes ran past me on my left side. My mind was so far out of this race. It wasn’t a race at this point. I welcomed each athlete to hit me on my left shoulder when they passed, and most did.

I really wished for someone to run me over like Bo Jackson did to Brian Bosworth during their first and only meeting in an NFL game. I wanted someone to put my lights out before I reached the T2 tent.

“Yep, look at that guy. The one who obviously went out too hard on his bike, or messed up his nutrition, or both. He is now mentally and physically broke. Rookie mistake! Enjoy walking that marathon! It’s gonna be a long day,” said my irrational state of mind as I caved in more to my First World Problem.

Once I reached the T2 tent I really didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to find my ‘alone’ space.

I found a chair. And I just sat there mentally numb and watched athletes come in, transition to their running shoes, and disappear towards the start of a 26.2 mile journey.

I realized, for the first time, most athletes in T2 suffer from temporary dementia. It’s the magic that involuntarily suppresses the gravity of running a marathon after a 2.4 mile swim and 112 mile bike.

I was dealing with a reality of a piss-poor attitude. It’s on the other side of the spectrum from magic.

There were several non-helpful comments from athletes experiencing dementia while I sat in T2 suffering from reality.

“Walk the marathon.”

“Stand up and put one foot in front of the other.”

“Take salt. It works.”

“I’m a really slow runner. Come with me. I know you can keep my pace.”

“The wind was brutal out there on the bike, dude. I know how you feel.”

This was like being in the middle of a twitter shit-storm and no way to exit the app. Newland’s comment on ‘regret’ was my platform to a Plan B.

The last thing Liz needed was to be in a worry state-of-mind if I quit. She was starting her exciting journey in Spain.

Newland took time away from his family, and work to be here. I would be a quintessential impression of an asshole by virtue of quitting.

“Excuses are like assholes. Everyone’s got one and they all smell like shit,” Todd Dicus has said many times. One of his many memorable quotes.

I thought about Brother D, Todd Dicus, and all the blood, sweat and swears we shared on our bike trainers this past winter. He was gritting through this same race, which was his 11th Ironman.

My family’s support is unconditional. It’s there no matter what, and I needed to find a way to apply the same unconditional thinking about the marathon.

Michelle Simmons applied insightful training strategies, and painful training sessions, the past several years. Consistency with these training sessions each day provided me a lot of growth as a triathlete, and as a person. So how would I answer the question when she asks why I quit? Would my answer feel justified? No, it wouldn’t.

And, finally The Minions!

“Uncle Casey, did you win your race?” One of them would ask it. Finishing is winning in their mind. Ironman distance triathlons teach adults this attitude if they don’t already believe it. I witnessed hundreds, maybe thousands of adults over the years cross the finish line with the expression of winning by finishing in less than 10 hours or near the race cutoff at 17 hours.

For so many teachable reasons my answer to their question couldn’t be, “You know what, it was just too hard and I quit.”

My sister, Aubrey Urban, sent a video of The Minions wishing me luck the night prior to Ironman Texas. I watched and listened to it over and over again in my head as a sat in T2.

youtube

This was it. This was the magic. The temporary dementia. The game-changer. HOPE.

T2 became my place to recover from the swim, bike and bonk, and not a place to hide. I began to prep for another race for the 2nd time in one day. I finally had a platform for a solid Plan B.

“Hey, is there a time limit on how long someone can stay in this tent?” I asked an official.

“Na, I don't think so. Never been asked that question. I guess stay as long as you want as long as you finish the marathon by midnight,” responded the official.

Volunteers handed me water that I previously denied. I slowly took in calories from food and gels, and electrolytes from salt. I stood up from my chair, walked back and forth, and sat down again.

I repeated this process until the cramping disappeared and my stomach relaxed enough to absorb nutrition.

It was time to let go. I placed my usual securities I wear and carry with me back in the T2 bag, like my Fuel Belt I wear around my waist with hydration and nutrition. My hat, arm coolers, and a cotton cloth I usually tie loosely around my neck to keep the sun off my skin, also went back in the T2 bag.

I slipped on my sunglasses and race belt with bib number 260, and exited the T2 tent towards the next timing mat where the marathon officially started.

The first person I saw was Dave Dicus, Brother D’s son. He assured me Brother D was crushing his race.

The next person I saw was Newland. He was standing near the timing mat at the run start. I could see by the way he relaxed his body language he was relieved, and curious.

“Go! What are you doing? Go! Come on, let’s go!!” yelled Newland. Now, to translate Newland talk. This means are you okay? You look okay? What the bleep were you doing? Looks like you didn’t quit. Nice job. But now it’s real. Go run!

Simmons and I discussed running off heart rate instead of watching my pace in this race. Previous Ironman distant races showed my heart rate slowing in the second half of the marathon, along with pace.

Many variables lead to lower heart rate like nutrition. But together we believe I focus too much on pace, and frustration sets in when I feel I can’t hold the pace I need from mile 14 through 26.2. It’s a mental block. The pace is there because we see it in training.

Heart rate was the one goal I still had left, and I set out to keep it close to 150 beats per minute on average through 26.2 miles.

Running a marathon after a 2.4 mile swim and 112 mile bike really makes no logical sense. But I truly love it. Because, this is the part of the race where all participants are stripped down to their core and everything is exposed like training, preparation, nutrition, attitude and extreme mental fortitude. There is no more faking it. The temporary dementia most athletes experience in T2 is truly temporary, magic disappears and reality takes its place.

So as I gained momentum from a walk to run I crossed the timing mat, and said to Newland, “I’m gonna give it my best shot. Let’s see what’s gonna happen.”

I started this run with a very simple frame of mind, “just run and enjoy the freedom of running.”

As Newland’s voice drifted off I formed a small tiny dot, a mental place, in the back of my head. It was my magic place. With my eyes down and in front of me I focused on that small tiny dot, and never left it for 25 miles.

The cramps constantly pinged my muscles, but every time they surfaced I literally said out loud to myself “<bleep> you.”

Four miles into the marathon and I was still running! I felt damn good except for the constant cramps poking at my hamstrings and quads. At every aid station I splashed myself with water and ice, drank Gatorade and Coke. And, at the end of each station I grabbed calories for the road. In between aid stations I constantly took in salt.

After each aid station it was back to the small tiny dot, and a lot of “<bleep> you’s” at the cramps until I reached the next aid station. Water, ice, Gatorade and Coke. Calories, salt, and the tiny dot. Run one mile and repeat.

At mile 24.5, before I made my 3rd and final turn leading out of a McMansion Woodlands’ neighborhood, and on a descend to the Woodlands River Walk, Newland stood waiting. He yelled, “Kershner, if you keep up this pace you will qualify for Boston!”

My stamina felt great. I increased my pace as I had the endurance to do it, but I really had to focus on using different muscles by shortening my stride with a shallow right leg recovery. My right hamstring locked twice several miles back which stopped me briefly in my tracks. The warning cramp in my right hamstring intensified, but my “<bleep> you’s” kept winning.

Only 1.5-miles to go! I ran by the drunk half-dressed crazies for the third and final time. Near the end of their cheering section a spectator walked and weaved across the sidewalk perfectly timing her meeting with me. As I made contact she was looking the opposite direction. I was shocked how easily she bounced off and into the crowd. The drunk crazies loved it and their cheering loudly increased, and faded into the past.

Only 1 mile to go, and I couldn’t move! It was awful, because I looked to my left and there was the finish on the other side of the River Walk. I was so close, but my right hamstring finally locked, and all I could do was stand strait up and try to keep from falling backwards to the ground.

I reached around with my right hand and jammed my fingers into the back of my right hamstring. It felt like a LaCrosse ball in the back of my leg. It took at least three minutes before the muscle released, and I began to walk with caution. I had to take a few steps and stop, and repeat until the process turned into a jog. At the next aid station I sucked down as many electrolytes as I could before my last push to the end.

My pace slowly picked back up without the debilitating cramp returning, which allowed a ton of enjoyment the last quarter of a mile on the run. I let the small tiny dot go, and began to really soak in the finish. Crossing that Ironman distant finish line was personally the most rewarding one compared to any others.

This was a day packed with many emotions from excitement to pain, to frustration and thought, to focus and busting through obstacles, to finally being overcome by joy.

Jimmy Valvano said it right in his speech at the 1993 ESPY’s, “Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. Number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day. That’s a heck of a day.”

A couple weeks post Ironman Texas one of The Minions named Pearl wanted to show me her bike riding skills prior to watching our animated movie. She rode up a neighborhood hill with impressive power and back down several times before coming to a stop. She looked up at me and asked, “Uncle Casey, did you win your race?”

I knew one of The Minions would ask it.

-The End.

Personal Notes on Race Analysis

1:15 - Swim. Lined up in the wrong spot? I couldn’t keep swimmers off my legs the majority of this swim. Tons of bumping, and grabbing for position. I remember at the half-way turn-around how tired I felt from fighting off bodies. I remember the turn into the canal and passing under the first bridge and thinking this swim should be done. I had the endurance from my swim training. I believe I just burned a lot of matches from fighting off bodies for 2.4 miles. I never found a rhythm.

4:29 - T1. Not great, but it was fine.

5:11 - Bike. Bonked at mile 90. Felt like it took 20-miles to shake the swim off my legs. Once we hit the freeway I could see my competition on the two loop course. I measured how many minutes I was behind by marking bridges they passed under. I estimated early in the race I was about 15 minutes behind most of the top guys. I let myself get out of my race and focused on others, which was my plan. I had nothing to lose after finishing 10 previous Ironman distant races, and coming as close to one spot away from Kona Qualifying. I figured if I bonked in this race at least I bonked trying. It was super humid first three hours. Winds shifted and cam from Northwest with 40 miles to go, gusting up to at least 30+ mph. The temps went from hot and humid to actually having a wind-chill on the bike. I nailed my nutrition better than any other race on my bike. Inside of quads seized at mile 90, and there was nothing I could do but stand. Triceps locked and then I had to sit. I rotated between standing and sitting from mile 90-112.

Lap 1: 30′, 150 avg hr, 206 avg np, 79 avg c, 22.5 avg mph

Lap 2: 30′, 153 avg hr, 215 avg np, 78 avg c, 23.2 avg mph

Lap 3: 30′, 153 avg hr, 212 avg np, 73 avg c, 23.0 avg mph

Lap 4: 30′, 151 avg hr, 211 avg np, 74 avg c, 22.5 avg mph

Lap 5: 30′, 151 avg hr, 211 avg np, 72 avg c, 21.8 mph

Lap 6: 30′, 150 avg hr, 207 avg np, 73 avg c, 22.8 mph

Lap 7: 30′, 149 avg hr, 204 avg np, 72 avg c, 23.2 mph

Lap 8: 30′, 147 avg hr, 196 avg np, 69 avg c, 20.2 mph (heading into bonk)

Lap 9: 30′, 146 avg hr, 179 avg np, 71 avg c, 17 mph (bonk)

Lap 10: 42′, 124 avg hr, 152, avg np, 70 avg c, 16.4 avg mph (quit)

21:56 - T2. This was not the plan.

3:18 - Run time. Topped best IM run time since my first one; a 3:23 in 2010 at Ironman Wisconsin. Finally shed that wait off my back.

Lap 1: 1:32, 142 avg hr, 7:18/mile pace. (I could have increased my hr closer to 150, but constantly ought off cramps t try and keep moving forward w/o my legs locking up).

Lap 2: 1:43, 139 avg hr, 7:50/mile pace (this includes miles 25 through 26.2 where I stood motionless for a while, recovered and pretty much jogged it into the finish).

10:11:32 my overall time. 33rd in ag. What’s crazy is I was 45′ from a KQ slot since it seems a lot of ringers showed up for this ‘North America Championship’. Honestly, my perfect race I would have been close to a 9:30, maybe a little faster, or maybe a little slower, but very close to a 9:30. Finishing, and overcoming, was a much better experience than having my perfect race and finishing several minutes away from a Kona Qualification. There’s a silver lining in everything. It’s all about perspective.

Why didn’t I have the race I planned? I conclude it comes down to little things adding up to a great day or a poor day. There were a lot of little things in my prep for this race that exposed my weakness on the bike.

The little things

I only rode outside a couple times leading up to IMT. Knocking it out on my trainer using power is almost always better than riding outside. No stop lights, no traffic, never stop peddling, uninterrupted sets, safer, etc. But, I needed a couple more solid rides outside simply to train other muscles like balancing muscles to fight wind.

I didn’t have much acclamation to humidity leading up to this race. I took the hot baths, saunas, but not enough of them. Through most of the morning on race-day it was 90 + % humidity, and very warm.

I didn’t get in one open-water swim. I’m not big on needing many open water swims. If you can swim, well, you can swim! But, there is a benefit to getting in the open water, similar to riding outside enough to get your muscles used to the elements again.

My mental focus wasn’t at a passionate level it needed to be leading up to IMT. I nailed my training sessions, but it was more because I felt like I ‘had to’ instead of a motivational attitude of wanting to improve. My passion was inconsistent heading into this race. It is not possible to compete at a Top-10 ag level level in these IM Distant races w/o being absorbed with passionate every morning when the alarm buzzes. It’s thinking about everything and how it affects tomorrow’s training. It’s not just about nailing training, it’s also putting a high level of importance on recovery, eating, sleeping, and doing every little thing to have that physical and mental edge on race day. At the end of the day I lacked that passion which was exposed at mile 90 on the bike during this race. Why was I able to nail the run? It’s simple. The training was there to do it. And I found the passion and focus to compliment my deep endurance for the marathon.

#Reds #Redstriteam #mamasimmons #bsc #triathlon #swim #bike #run #trisutto #brettsutton #bonk #nevergiveup #imtexas

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