#mformental

[mformental]

Guiltless release outside the line. Vent ig, don't gotta read cuz this stuff is gooey and contagious

I don't like pressure.

I feel it in the air like a tangible thing between everybody, twisting with expectations and resentment, thick with animosity and fueled by our differences.

- To be religious (the correct religion, with the correct potency) (I don't want to go to hell, I want to live my life without fearing it)

- To dress correctly (correctly gendered, correctly sized, correct correct. There is a correct way and you are not it)

- To behave the right way (normal, and don't cause problems, they have enough problems and so smile when you want to stick your head out the window and shout at the world).

You don't measure up is what I hear, even when they criticise others, I hear it said to me. The line is drawn there, right there, and I will loudly or secretly cross it every time, and I will watch everyone else tip-toe across it and close my eyes.

But I will feel bad, not enough to stay within bounds, but guilty like a sinner. Why is it there? This line. What does it do? It does not stop us from crossing it, it just makes you feel bad...

Sometimes, sometimes I feel like a carriage rather than a person. A mechanical mouth. Calculate what they want to hear and deliver it with the right tone.

I've been told it's creepy how I always know what advice to give, but it was a point of pride for me months ago. I liked helping people, it used to make me feel good.

It stopped, at the point where i became too involved, and I could not keep it up, could not bridge the distance between who I was and who I wanted to be, who I wanted the world to see.

I am out of touch.

I don't know what to say or how to act, or how I am perceived. I know nothing and I struggle to forge on with uncertainty, making mistake after mistake that I don't know to fix or apologise for. I lost the script and I don't know what their responses will be. I used to be quicker to improvise but I am too tired to perform now.

I simply don't measure up.

It is a difficult thing to confront, so I avoid that at all costs and stay within the line.

Maybe this is what everyone does, forging through uncertainty, but I liked the mechanical guarantee that everyone would like me, that I was good. I talk but I don't say anything worth hearing. I don't like myself very much.

I want to shake my head and disperse the bitter pressure in the air, when they ask me about each other or argue through the walls or say nothing but I feel it there anyway. I want it to disappear, and leave me weightless and free. I want to shout out the window.

I lost the script, and I lost control. I have become one of the talking heads, one of the shouters and shoddy apologisers, and not-good-enoughs. Do I also put pressure, push air into the boiling vat, do I make people want to shout?

We could all happily coexist, surely it is a possibility. But it does not seem open to us now.

I wish they would quit trying to change eachother and me.

I wish I could remain unchanged by it all, I wish I could be who I want to be and have it be easy, and not feel bad because I am crossing the line. I wish I had their blessing, and that everyone had eachother's blessing.

We would all be happier for it.

Yet we are not. Bad moods are pungent and good moods are hard work.

Do they need the carriage at all? Perhaps not. It has a broken wheel. I don't know what to say anymore.

The truth.

It was on my tongue: I don't like pressure...

but they asked how are you? I said I'm good, you? I'm good. It is in the air, but perhaps, only visible to me. I fear that I might tell the truth, and they will look and ask, where? I would not know what to say. I lost the script.

[mformental]

Id been deepbrreatbihing for the past hour. Gabe up and showered and now inn feels so awake I hate ut

I'm sonfike oof this stupif stupid ay now I'm nirenawayke than ever I am so IRritATED with kysleepijg arrangements I do deeply dreadnthe day to xokre it's.almslt 5 AM and i must leave at 8:50 rjefroefre thusfysis nitnwirking at for me sdnim not haopy 3hrd<<< of sleele p i am angry how wil I even accomplish this butnitni an imoittant lrssij inthink my keybi has type delay im btinsyrr bor maybe thats mg brain

[mformental]

I hate texting texting should be abolished real life talking is better

[mformental]

I'm hmmm. I'm not at peak performance let's say (I am quite ;l ). And that is something I have not said to anybody in a while.

I know it'll get better even if it doesn't feel that way. There is no advice that will fix it all. It is just my problem, I will deal with it and get back to myself.

This struggle I have with being vulnerable keeps me down for longer than it should, cuz I gotta pull myself back up. This thing has tarnished my core and I try to keep it away from the things and people I love. I try to create happiness from nothing.

[mformental]

Stupid fucking caffeine headache fucking shit.

So fucking shit. Fucking. Procrastinating mfker. Shittttt. My head hurts. Got so much shit to do. Hhhh. Might as well do it. Fuck though, it hurts alot. Maybe a pill. Can I pop pills after drinkin redbull even? Possibly. Fuck me. Fucking shit.

[mformental]

TIME TO LOCK IN

[mformental]

Fuck I pushed myself too hard in the gym my whole body hurts