#merit treadmills

[knox-knocks]

on a place of insecurity for the kiss prompt please

you got it my friend :-*

tw for body image self confidence issues

~

Andrew didn't know why he cared. It had never been an issue before. But as he took off his shirt and smoothed his hand down his chest to his stomach, he felt a twinge of - of something. It was unpleasant. Andrew didn't particularly enjoy it.

Andrew let his hand fall to his side as he eyed himself in the mirror for a few seconds longer. Then he grabbed the bottle of pills Betsy prescribed him and shook one of the tiny blue candies into the palm of his hand. He raised it to his mouth, and swallowed it dry.

The living room was a bustle of activity. Neil was on his hands and knees looking for his shoe under the couch and Kevin had his hands full of a suspicious green smoothie that he was trying to coax Neil into trying with him. He was ranting about the merits of protein powder and whatever the hell else he put in it. Andrew didn't know how he could stomach that on top of the breakfast of eggs, bacon, and toast Kevin ate every morning, but he also didn't care enough to ask.

Neil lifted his head when Andrew sauntered into the room. Kevin didn't stop talking, but Neil simply ignored him. He was fully dressed for the gym, though his hair was still a wild mess. In his hand, he triumphantly clutched his missing shoe.

"Hey," Neil said. A smile pulled at the edge of his mouth, a perfect companion to his tussled curls. "Did you take your meds?"

Andrew nodded and bypassed Kevin on the way to the kitchen. He stole a piece of bacon off Kevin's plate and an untouched pancake off Neil's. Andrew knew Neil had left it for him, anyway.

The gym was a sordid affair. A mix up and a scheduling conflict meant the Foxes had to share the gym equipment with the football team. Andrew waited, annoyed, for his turn on the weights. He ran laps on the treadmill next to Neil until a bench opened up for Andrew to take. Andrew switched off his treadmill and inclined his head towards Neil. Without so much as slowing, Neil flashed five fingers at him and increased his speed.

Five minutes later, Neil joined him at the weights section of the gym to spot him. Andrew didn't miss the way Neil's eyes lingered on his chest and biceps as he did his first rep. Andrew focused on the pull and strain of his muscles as he pumped his usual two hundred pounds. Bit by bit, it erased his previous insecurity until it was little more than a buzz in the back of his mind. It didn't hurt that Neil was still watching with half-lidded eyes and a quiet hunger.

Andrew replaced the bar on the hooks and raised his eyebrows at Neil. "If I drop the bar on my neck and die because you were distracted, I'm haunting you," he told him.

Neil ruffled his fingers through Andrew's hair, scattering the sweaty strands in ten different directions and then smoothing them back down again. "I wouldn't let that happen."

Andrew huffed and laid back down on the bench. He completed four more reps and removed some of the weights for Neil to do a few sets before Wymack called an end to gym time.

"Hey, Andrew." Nicky had draped himself over the five pound weights, hand tucked under chin and hair pulled into a small bun at the back of his head. "Do you wanna go to Eden's tonight?"

"Pass," Andrew said.

"Oh, come on," Nicky whined. "Just because you and Kevin can't drink doesn't mean the rest of us can't. Neil?"

"Sorry," Neil said, tone unapologetic.

"Drink at your own place," Andrew said.

"The only alcohol we have is the half-bottle of watered down vodka Matt keeps under the sink. That's not gonna get the three of us drunk."

Andrew blinked at him and Neil shrugged. "Figure it out," they said at the same time.

Nicky threw his hands up in exasperation and retreated.

Back at Fox Tower, Kevin left in a hurry with promises of watching the latest rerun of the Trojan vs Longhorns game with Neil thrown over his shoulder. Neil chased him down the hall until he confirmed they were, in fact, also watching the other games he had recorded. When he returned, he quirked an eyebrow at Andrew and jerked his head toward the bathroom.

"Shower with me?" he said.

That unpleasant feeling swirled in Andrew's belly. He shook his head. "I'll shower after you. Don't hog all the hot water."

Neil accepted that with a nod and placed a firm kiss on Andrew's jaw.

"You know," he said as he shucked his shirt over his head and threw it in the general direction of the bedroom, "I've been thinking of getting Kev those books he's been eyeing for being sober for three months. Do they celebrate three month sobriety?"

Andrew shrugged. "Get them anyway. I don't think I can handle any more drool on the computer keyboard."

"I'll order them today." Neil stepped in the doorway of the bathroom with his shorts balled up in his hands. "Hey. You okay?"

"Peachy."

Neil tilted his head until he caught Andrew's eye. Andrew didn't miss the crease of concern in his eyes. "The antidepressants still making you feel weird?"

"I've been worse."

Neil eyed him until Andrew grew tired of being scrutinized and ushered him toward the waiting shower. Neil left the door open and Andrew cast a lingering glance over his shoulder as he peeled off his boxers and stepped under the hot spray of the shower.

Andrew didn't realize he'd fallen asleep until the sound of Neil rummaging through the drawers for clean clothes woke him.

"Morning," Neil quipped. Andrew squinted at him from under his arms. "Shower's free."

Water beaded on Neil's shoulders and ran down the corded muscles in his back in thin rivulets. They disappeared in the fluffy towel still wrapped around Neil's waist. Neil shook out his hair and looked back in time to catch Andrew staring.

He raised his eyebrows.

Andrew rolled his eyes at Neil's smug expression and pulled him closer by the towel. "Asshole," he said, and kissed him.

Neil planted his hands on either side of Andrew's thighs and let the towel drop to the floor. He hummed and opened his mouth as Andrew directed the kiss with nimble fingertips on his jaw. Neil pulled back with a gasp and began kissing down his neck.

"Neil," Andrew said. His eyes fell shut when Neil sucked at the pulse in his neck. "I haven't showered yet. I'm sweaty and gross."

"We can shower when we're done." Neil pressed a hand against Andrew's back and bit at his collarbone. A surprised gasp slipped past Andrew's teeth.

"You're gross."

"You like it."

Andrew didn't deny it.

Neil worried at a spot on Andrew's throat and reached for the hem of his shirt. Andrew startled at the first brush of Neil's fingers against his bare skin. He jumped and reached for Neil's hands, but Neil was already moving back.

"Andrew?" he asked, looking him up and down, searching for what had triggered this reaction. His chest heaved, skin already flushed a distracting shade of pink. "What's wrong?'

"I don't want to take my shirt off." Andrew wouldn't meet Neil's gaze.

"Okay," Neil said. "Is everything okay?"

Andrew nodded, then shook his head. He chewed on his bottom lip. Neil gently reached out and pulled his lip out from his teeth with his thumb. He waited for Andrew to find the words. Neil was always so patient with him.

"I gained weight," Andrew said. When Neil said nothing, Andrew looked up to find him looking befuddled.

Maybe Neil didn't notice, but Andrew couldn't stop noticing. He knew it was the meds fucking with him, Betsy had said that would be a side effect, but it didn't stop Andrew from being self-conscious. He couldn't help comparing himself to Kevin and his green smoothies and defined abs, or Matt's chiseled chest. Andrew had always been on the heavier side, but it had always been made of muscle, and it had never bothered him before.

He was still strong. He could still protect himself. He was able to lift Neil up against the wall when they were kissing. It shouldn't have mattered.

Neil watched him for a moment longer and said, "Can I try something? I have to take off your shirt."

Andrew hesitated, but he trusted Neil. He nodded and lifted his arms so Neil could pull his shirt off. Then Neil pushed him with a gentle hand on his chest until he was flat on the bed.

The first kiss was right on Andrew's chest, just above his sternum. Neil never broke eye contact when he pressed his lips to his skin. He lingered there for just a heartbeat longer before he shifted so his mouth hovered above Andrew's stomach. His kisses were light, frustratingly so, until he placed a soft kiss onto the soft flesh on Andrew's tummy.

His lips tickled the blond hair there, and Neil left tiny butterfly kisses all over. Around his belly button, his navel, the sides that poked out of his waistband, until Andrew was relaxed and reassured underneath him. His eyes had drifted shut, nearly lulled back to sleep beneath Neil's soft touches.

When he was finished, he pulled himself up until he was face to face with Andrew. Their noses brushed. Andrew stole a kiss from him.

"I love your body," Neil said. "No matter what it looks like."

Andrew brushed the hair back from the side of his face and ran his hands down Neil's sides and over his back to settle above the slope of his ass. He plucked another kiss from Neil's lips. "I still need to shower," he said.

Neil huffed a laugh, pressed their foreheads together, and rolled off him. "Better hurry before Kevin gets back and steals the rest of the water."

"Over my dead body," Andrew sniped and tripped over Neil's discarded clothes in his haste to get a fresh towel. He doubled back to press a kiss to the crown of Neil's head.

"Thank you," he whispered against his hair. He didn't need to say anything else. Neil already understood.

[saltstudying]

imposter syndrome but ive been reading too much intro to political philosophy

Everything feels like a tumbling mess of word after word of sentence after sentence of paragraph after paragraph. Despite my frequent pseudo-philosophical musings, consistent pessimism, and perpetual overthinking (a tumbling mess of word after word sentence after sentence paragraph after paragraph the red thread that lines my wall sheds its skin and slithers away hissing. I cannot speak parseltongue so I simply watch… looking and gaping and looking as it unravels and leaves, gobbles and eats, all that comes its way), I don’t think I’ve had any existential crises thus far. The thought that we are simply pickled brains floating In vinegar in a mad scientist’s library does not scare me. Parallel worlds probably exist. Boo fucking hoo, we are still stuck in our reality, feeling the way we feel, our skin tickled by the winds, our foreheads greasy with sweat, our feet round and parched, our lips alone, our eyes seeing and unseeing. In the world that we exist, where rooms are small and countries are big, where ants are tiny-sized and airplanes change magnitude with distances, we exist the way we do. Musings of mind-control and parallel universes do not concern me. The only thing that can bring along change is revolution. But what does bother me is the credit we give ourselves. Credit evolution if you must or resort to the mad scientist theory. In so far as you don’t praise God, my argument stands. Nothing we own or do or achieve belongs to us. No achievements are ours. Everything that we have done and achieved, all the nights we have forced ourselves to stay awake, all the mornings we have spent on treadmills or farms, in fields or classrooms, on screens or on streets, do not belong to us. The fact is, our hardwork, our talent, our notions of merit, are nothing more than lottery earnings. We take credit for all that is arbitrary. We do not have any control over who we are and what we do. Not to say that the three fates carefully monitor our ECGs and decision times, but if everything we are is based off of natural disposition, if my achievements are a result of my hardwork and my hardwork a result of my genes, do I really have anything to be proud of? In A Social Contract, Rawls suggests that we must take an indifferent stance, we must shape our world on the presupposition that all arbitrary factors are held ceterius paribus. If I am nothing more than a raffle ticket… what is it that I boast of? What are we… other than the kisses we share and the things we think. Do they belong to us either? I’m tired.

[quietlyimplode]

Whumptober2020 - Day 15 - Into the Unknown.

Day 1 - Waking Up Restrained // Day 2 - Kidnapped // Day 3 - Manhandled // Day 4 - Caged// Day 5 - Rescue // Day 6 - No More // Day 7 - Support // Day 8 - Isolation // Day 9 - Take Me Instead // Day 10 - Blood Loss/Trail of Blood // Day 11 - Psych 101 // Day 12 - Broken Down // Day 13 - Oxygen Mask // Day 14 - Alternative Prompt - Comfort // Day 15 - Into The Unknown

Natasha’s POV on therapy, and her first therapy session.

Therapy not a foreign concept, having received it before in the early stages of her journey into Shield but the unknowns of voluntarily going, is making her wary. It’s weaknesses that she can’t abide by.

If her handlers saw her now, she’s be six feet under or in prisoned for re-education; mind wiped, start again. Sometimes it’s a consideration and feels almost preferable to working through what she has to.

——-

Clint convinces her to go. After finding her passed out in a bolt hole in Alphabet city, bleeding all over her sheets and having visions of her team mates telling her, her worst fears, her worst imaginations, he’s not wrong in saying that something has to give. Cognitively, she knows this.

Therapy not a foreign concept, having received it before in the early stages of her journey into Shield but the unknowns of voluntarily going, is making her wary. It’s weaknesses that she can’t abide by.

If her handlers saw her now, she’s be six feet under or in prisoned for re-education; mind wiped, start again. Sometimes it’s a consideration and feels almost preferable to working through what she has to.

The whole day she’s on edge. Avoiding Clint. Screw him. This is his fault.

She can work through her own damn triggers.

Clint’s found his old therapist, Tony’s hired her.

She’s coming to the tower at 4.

Natasha spends the whole morning in the gym, ribs be damned, bruising and cuts make the session more painful but almost cathartic to work on. She can only hide in here so long.

She goes to her room and tries to read.

Heads to the kitchen. Sees Steve talking with Clint. Leaves.

Heads back to the gym. Maybe a run will help.

Clint and Steve find her in the Gym, panting her way through her third mile. Clint has the concerned look on his face, one of ‘what happened’ and ‘how can I help?’. She gets off the treadmill, pushes past both of them and leaves. Goes back to her room and showers.

Restlessly, she tries to read again. Stuffs around on her phone, looks at the time. Tony did say four right?

She heads down to check with him, the only one she can stand being around, the only one who’s not hovering, walking on eggshells and being a general pain in the ass.

She opts for a different tact when she gets there.

“How does this work?”

Tony looks up, surprised.

“What do you mean?” Natasha takes a deep breath. She hates this so much.

“I mean how does this work? I need…” she takes a pause and thinks what she’s actually asking; “a therapist and you just happen to get one that Clint knows and trusts, that will come to the tower? What did you do?”

Tony side eyes her, “I made some calls, paid some salaries. It’ll be fine.” He smiles, Natasha stops listening, waits til he finishes talking, rolls her eyes and stalks out. Stays just outside the room remembers why she went to Tony in the first place, walks back in again and waits til he turns around.

“God you’re like a ninja.”

“You just don’t pay attention.” She snaps.

“My hyper vigilance works differently to yours.” He retorts.

She pauses.

“When does she get here?”

“I don’t know, Nat, soon? I said 4, so I assume she’ll be here at 4.” She glances at the clock 3.50. Feels her breathing quicken, chest heavy. Nerves are now at an all time high. Leaving quickly she heads for the only space with air, the roof.

Clint’s already up there, she turns to leave but he spots her, “Nat, wait.” He calls.

She’s having difficulty getting her breath under control, feels more of a heaving, she needs to sit, buckles first.

Clint's running over and she holds up a hand. A warning, don’t talk; don’t touch.

She gets back to her feet. Looks at him in the eyes, the fucking eyes of worry. Makes a decision then and there.

“I’m not going.” She says.

“Tasha..”

“No. You don’t get to decide this for me. I went with it, saw some merit in it; but you know as well as I do; this is not how we work on things. This is not how we work through things. Send me on another mission, get back on the horse, who cares? So I have another trigger - who on this team doesn’t? Bruce is triggered by being fucking angry, and he doesn’t have to go? Why should I?”

He lets her finish her tirade.

“You promised.” He says in Russian for emphasis.

“I’m not going.” She replies in kind.

Staring at each other they’re interrupted by Tony swaggering towards them.

“Nat?” He calls out.

“She’s here.” Clint says.

Natasha is pissed. Traitor.

“I’m not going.” She informs Tony.

“Nat,” Clint tries.

Tony doesn’t even pause before heading into a lecture, it makes Natasha think that he’s been thinking about it all day.

“Natasha, the Doctor is waiting, you agreed. Give it ten minutes - five even, if you don’t like what she’s got to say you can leave.”

Clint's nodding.

Natasha scowls. Pissed that this all feels so targeted.

“Come on. If you don’t go, you have to hang out with me and Clint. And you know the whole time, we’re all going to be thinking that you should have just ripped the bandaid off and gone. Plus, if not today; then I’ll ask her to come back tomorrow; or the next day; or the one after. You get me? We aren’t letting this go. You need someone, that’s not; well, us.”

Well fuck.

She doesn’t want to be around them. She doesn’t want to be around anybody now. She feels like she’s them down already and feels betrayed. They’re supposed to have her back.

And then.

What if it doesn’t work, and she’s beyond saving? What if she lets them down?

She watches as Clint walks towards the door, holds it open.

“Come on.” He says, “put on an alarm and suck it up.”

She shoots Clint a look that she hopes conveys, fuck you and the high horse you rolled in on, and rolls her eyes. Follows Clint through the door. Tony is behind them. She counts her steps trying to alleviate panic.

They all but frog-march her to the office. Stand next to her.

All the feelings in the world are telling her to run. Leave. Never come back. Screw them; she doesn’t need them.

But.

She promised.

Taking the step inside she’s met with the kindly looking therapist that Clint told her about.

“Hello,” the woman says.

“Hello,” says Natasha.

The woman introduces herself, explains a bit on how she works. Natasha meets her with silence.

She is standing in front of the door, shakes her head when the therapist offers her a seat.

“So, do you have any questions?”

Can I leave? She thinks.

“What happens now.. Today?” She clarifies.

“Usually I’d ask why you’re here but your bandages and bruises tell me stories I feel you’re not ready to tell yet. So maybe we’ll start with strategies.” She pauses. Thinks.

“What do you know of grounding?”

“Some.” They’ve used it before, techniques that help pull you from flashbacks. Works but often hit and miss.

“Grounding helps us when we are experiencing big emotions, when reality doesn’t feel real or you just can’t get that breath under control. It helps us refocus on what’s happening in the present moment. You can use grounding techniques to help create space from distressing feelings in nearly any situation.” She pauses. “We’re going to be more targeted in our use of these. I get the feeling that you’re a woman of few words. How do you feel about just answering me with single words?”

Natasha feels positive about it.

Nods.

The therapist continues. “Ok, great. If you were to use a technique would it be mental, physical or soothing? Before you answer, a mental technique might be doubling numbers or thinking in categories, a physical technique might be putting your hands in water or a smell or touching something nearby; lastly the soothing techniques are those like teaching yourself to use words of affirmation or listing your favourite things or planning an activity.”

Natasha thinks.

Definitely not the last one. Likes the idea of mental games but physical is the one she lands on. Tactile prompt is what she’s always used, it’s harder to fake and doesn’t rely on her brain to function, easier for those around her to help her tune into. Doesn’t say this out loud. Replies.

“Physical.”

The therapist smiles. “Ok, great. So I’m going to suggest some ideas; maybe tell me one that you think might work for you, or that you’d feel comfortable letting someone know what to do when a flashback comes or your body or brain doesn’t feel like your own. Is this making sense?”

Natasha nods again.

“Ok, so hands in water noticing the change in temperature and the flow, or touching or picking up something around you, using your breath - breathing deeply, holding a piece of ice, a scent - like perfume or something that’s familiar, maybe moving your body, or listening to what’s going on around you, feeling your body, and then there’s the 5/4/3/2/1 method of 5 things you see, 4 things you touch and so on.”

She pauses. Waits. Expects a response.

Natasha looks at her feet, realises she’s still standing. Wants to sit. Pulls the chair out so the back is against the wall and curls inside.

“Hearing and touch.” She says. “harder to fake.” She elaborates.

The therapist nods.

“Ok, good. Good to know. Hearing is easy but sometimes needs another to tune us into it. Is there someone that can help you with that? That you’d feel comfortable with disclosing this?”

Natasha nods. Thinks of Clint. Knows instinctively that all she’s learnt from him, he’s learnt from this woman.

“Ok, if they’re not around then I want you try and acknowledge when you’re on the cusp of panic - put on music you know, like, know the words or tune to. Can you think of anything that would fit this?”

Natasha nods again.

“Ok; touch. Do you have any issue with people touching you, when you’re in panicked states?” Feels personal. But not wrong. Natasha looks up, sharply. Makes eye contact.

“Then this is going to be a bit different, prompt your body to tune into whatever it’s touching, sitting on, holding; take note of the temperature , the colour - anything you can think of. Does that make sense?”

“Yes.” Natasha says.

“Ok. So here, if you’re ever feeling or looking unsafe here I’m going to prompt you. Like practice, right? I might say something like the air conditioning is on or that I am talking to you. What I will also tell you is that sometimes you need to let the thoughts come.”

Pauses. Continues.

“Have you ever stopped trying to think about something and the more you try to stop it, the more the thought becomes repetitive til you can’t stop thinking about it? I’m going to remind you to let the thoughts come; but let them go too. Let it flow through you. Lastly I might tell you you’re safe. But as safety is a concept of the mind I might not always tell you that. What I’ll say now is that your words, your thoughts are safe here in the room, with me. So if you ever feel like talking through something that’s happened or going to happen or anything from the past, this is somewhere where you can do that. I’ll let you know that Mr. Stark has placed me on retainer so you call I come, easy right?”

Natasha rolls her eyes and the therapist gives her an easy smile.

“So, here’s where I tell you let’s give this a try. If it works it works, if it doesn’t that’s ok too, we just try something different. Just remember when you’re working through it, and things are ok keep working. If you feel yourself struggle - take a break. If you’re having a tough time; frustrated or overwhelmed with yourself, remove yourself from the situation. Our goal is to protect yourself and stay safe,” she smiles.

Natasha gets up.

“Natasha, would you like us to touch base daily or every second day?

Ahh the illusion of choice. The therapist is lucky that she seems competent, Natasha knows why Clint had referred her, the intelligence in her words and being able to read her is skilful.

“Second day,” she responds. What the hell, Tony’s right, what has she got to lose?

She side steps to the door, but the therapist isn’t finished yet,

“Last thing, do you have any questions?” Huh.

She doesn’t think so.. Hand on the doorknob she shakes her head.

“Ok, thanks for coming today. It’s lovely to meet you.” Natasha turns to acknowledge the woman. Gives a small smile

——-

[bodybuildingblogs06]

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[fulltimeallthetime]

BOOKS!

So I’ve recently found my love of books.  It started with audio books...and then reading while on the treadmill (giant ipad, big print).

I had to start tracking my reads because I would start a book and think I had read it before, but couldn’t be quite certain.

I’m into serial  killer, thriller books.  Definitely appreciate a strong female lead.

Here’s my list for the past two years!

2020

This is How I Lied by Heather Gudenkauf

The Look Alike by Erica Spindler

Sister Dear by Hannah Mary McKinnon

Eight Perfect Murders, Peter Swanson

The First Mistake, Sandie Jones

The Perfect Wife, JP Delaney

One Night Gone, Tara Laskowski

Buried by Ellison Cooper

The Wife Stalker by Liv Constantine

Cut to the Bone by Ellison Cooper

The Turn of the Key- Ruth Ware

The Twin by Natasha Preston

The Third Wife by Lisa Jewell

The One by John Marrs

The Guest list by Lucy Foley

The end of Her- Shari Lapena

The Half Sister by Sandie Jones

Pretty Thing by Janelle Brown

Caged by Ellison Cooper

Have you Seen me? by Kate White

The Undertaker's Daughter- Sara Blaedel

Dear Girls- Ali Wong

Under the Table- Stephanie Evanovich

Watch me Disappear- Janelle Brown

Pretty Baby by Mary Kubica

A woman is No Man- Etaf Rum

Emma in the Night- Wendy walker

Never let you go- CHevy Stevens

Every Last lie- Mary Kubica

A Good Girls Guide to Murder by Holly Jackson

Caught- Harlan Coben

I see you- Clare mackintosh

The Girl Before- Rena Olsen

Yes please- Amy poehler

what she knew by gilly macmillan

what rose forgot - Nevada Barr

My Lovely Wife- Samantha Downing

How to be a Bawse- Lilly Singh

The Boy from the Woods- Harlan Coben

The Last Time I lied- Riley Sager

No Exit- Taylor Adams

Calm the Fuck Down- Sarah Knight

Girl, Stop Apologizing- Rachel Hollis

The Other Mrs- Mary Kubica

You Are Not Alone- Greer Hendricks

The Wives- Tarryn Fisher

When you See me- Linsa Gardner

The Kept Woman- Karin Slaughter

Criminal- Karin Slaughter

Lock Every Door- Riley Sager

Blindsighted- Karin Slaughter

Beyond Reach- Karin Slaughter

Snatched- Karin Slaughter

Little Fires Everywhere- Celest Ng

Trace of Evil- Alice Blanchard

Faithless- Karin Slaughter

A Faint Cold Fear- Karin Slaughter

Broke- Karin Slaughter

Indelible- Karin Slaughter

Behind her Eyes- Sarah Pinborough

Undone- Karin Slaughter

Outfox- Sandra Brown

Accused- Lisa Scottoline

Leaving Time- Jodi Picoult

Triptych- Karin Slaughter

The Ex- Alafair Burke

Someone we Know- Shari Lapena

Other Woman- Sandie Jones

The Better Sister- Alafair Burke

2019

The Last House Guest- Megan Miranda

Sleeping Beauties- Stephen King

RUnaway- Karlan Coben

Someone Knows- Lisa Scottoline

Girls LIke Us- Cristina Alger

One of us is lying- Karen McManus

Don't let go- harlan coben

Mean Streak- Sandra Brown

Fierce Kingtom- Gin PHillips

I Have no secrets- Penny Joelson

It's always the husband- michele campbell

Right behind you- Lisa Gardner

2nd Chance- James Patterson

The WOman in the Window- AJ Finn

NOS4A2- Joe HIll

The House Next Door- James Patterson

One Perfect Lie- Lisa Scottoline

The banker's wife- Cirstina Alger

The Whisper Man- Alex NOrth

Crash & Burn- LIsa Gardner

Without Merit- Colleen Hoover

Dark Sacred Night- Michael Connelly

1st to die- james patterson

Unsolved- James Patterson

Survivors Club- LIsa Gardner

The Grown up- Gillian Flynn

Touch & Go- Lisa Gardner

Pieces of Her- Karin Slaughter

A is for Alibi- Sue Grafton

Pieces of her_ Karin Slaughter

November 9- Colleen Hoover

Redemption- David Baldacci

The Perfect Mother- Aimee Molloy

THen She was gone- lisa jewell

The 4th Man- Lisa Gardner

If I live- Terri Blackstock

Never Tell- Lisa Gardner

If I run- Terri Blackstock

Why not me- Mindy Kaling

The Silent Sister- Diane Chamberlain

My Husband's Wife- Jane Corry

Murder Games- James Patterson

GIrl Wash Your Face- Rachel Hollis

Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes- Karin Slaughter

Say Goodbye- Lisa Garner

The Woman in Cabin 10- Ruth Ware

GOne- Lisa Gardner

The Lying Game- Ruth Ware

SOmething in the Water- Catherine Steadman

One Dormant- Blake Pierce

THe Late show- Michael Connelly

The Silent Wife- ASA Harrison

The Killing Hour- Lisa Gardner

THe Fallen- David Baldacci

The Next Accident- Lisa Gardner

The Fix- David Baldacci

The perfect Husband- Lisa Gardner

The Last Mile- David Baldacci

The Anonymous Girl- Greer Hendricks

All the Missing Girls- MEgan Miranda

Memory Man- David Baldacci

The Chemist- STephenie Meyer

Last Breath, Karin Slaughter

Look for me- Lisa Gardner

An Unwanted Guest- Shari Lapena

Pretty girls- Karin Slaughter

Breakdown- BA Paris

FInd her- LIsa Gardner

Fear Nothing- Lisa Gardner

Luckiest GIrl Alive- Jessica Knoll

Catch me- lisa Gardner

Bring me back- BA Paris

The 7th Month- lisa Gardner

The girl before- JP Delaney

A Stranger in the house- Shari lapena

After anna- Lisa Scottoline

Love you more- LIsa Gardner

Live to Tell- Lisa Gardner

The NEighbor- Lisa Gardner

Hide- Lisa Gardner

Once Trapped- Blake PIerce

Alone- Lisa Gardner

Final Girls- Riley Sager

nOnce Bound- Blake pierce

Once buried- Blake pierce

the couple next door- shari lapena

once lost- blake pierce

behind closed doors- ba paris

the last mrs parrish- liv constantine

once stalked- blake pierce

[guardianreadersofthegalaxy]

It’s time for the Bl-AFTAs, the BAFTAs if it were just for Black Mirror:

Best Supporting Actor:

·        Douglas Hodge – Black Museum

·        Jesse Plemons – USS Callister

·        Jimi Simpson – USS Callister

·        Michael Smiley – White Bear

·        Topher Grace – Smithereens

Best Supporting Actress:

·        Alexandra Roach – Black Museum

·        Lindsay Duncan – The National Anthem

·        Madeline Brewer – Men Against Fire

·        Michaela Cole – USS Callister

·        Pom Klementieff – Striking Vipers

Best Lead Actor:

·        Alex Lawther – Shut Up & Dance

·        Andrew Scott – Smithereens

·        Anthony Mackie – Striking Vipers

·        Daniel Kaluuya – Fifteen Million Merits

·        Wyatt Russell – Playtest

Best Lead Actress:

·        Andrea Riseborough – Crocodile

·        Bryce Dallas Howard – Nosedive

·        Cristin Milioti – USS Callister

·        Gugu Mbatha Raw – San Junipero

·        Mackenzie Davis – San Junipero

Best Director:

·        Brian Welsh – The Entire History Of You

·        Dan Trachtenberg – Playtest

·        David Slade – Metalhead

·        John Hillcoat – Crocodile

Best Visuals & Production Design:

·        Arkangel

·        Fifteen Milllion Merits

·        Nosedive

·        San Junipero

·        USS Callister

Best Original Score:

·        Alex Somers – Hang The DJ

·        Clint Mansell – San Junipero

·        Cristobal Tapia De Veer – Black Museum

·        Martin Phipps – Hated In The Nation

·       Max Richter - Nosedive

·        Vince Pope – Be Right Back

Best Teleplay:

·        Black Museum – Charlie Brooker

·        Hated In The Nation – Charlie Brooker

·        The National Anthem – Charlie Brooker

·        Nosedive – Rashida Jones & Mike Schur

·        USS Callister – William Bridges & Charlie Brooker

Best Scene:

·        Bing on the treadmill – Fifteen Million Merits

·        Final attack – Hated Into The Nation

·        Kenny’s arrest– Shut Up And Dance

·        Lacie in jail – Nosedive

·        The teddy bear - Metalhead

And the best needle drop:

·        Anyone Who Knows What Love Is – Fifteen Million Merits

·        Bugsy Malone – Crocodile

·        Exit Music (For A Film) – Shut Up And Dance

·        Head Like A Hole – Rachel, Jack & Ashley Too

·        Heaven Is A Place On Earth – San Junipero

[autisticallyfeisty]

SBSK Reviews Volume #1

So I’m doing a new thing. 

I’ve spent a few months watching Special Books for Special Kids (SBSK) videos. For those of you who don’t know, SBSK is a Youtube channel where Chris Ulmer (a former special ed teacher) interviews disabled people (usually children). The videos are highly praised by disabled and nondisabled people alike, to the point where I can’t seem to find any criticism of them on the entire Internet.

And I don’t think the videos are without merit. They’re usually less condescending and “inspirational” than most other documentaries about disabled people. And a lot of his interviews are with people who have the kind of stigmatized disabilities that most of society, including a lot of the disabled community, often don’t like to acknowledge or include. And all the ones I’ve watched seem like pretty cool people. So I think all of that is good and important, and I can see why a lot of people might really like it for those reasons.

...but there are also a lot of things that bug me about the channel, most of which I struggle to put into words when I try to explain them to other people. So I’m going to try writing these reviews, I guess you’d call them, to try and sort my thoughts out. I think I’ll do a few at a time (in no particular order). In these reviews, I will mostly be focusing on Chris’ interview style and the way he interacts with his subjects. I will not be critiquing the interviewees (unless one of them, like, says something offensive. but I haven’t seen that happen yet), I will probably criticise their parents sometimes, but since I know these videos only show a small snippet of their lives, and it’s usually hard to tell what someone’s really like from that, I will try to give them the benefit of the doubt, unless it’s really obvious that something is off.

The Family that Adopted Six Children with Down Syndrome (And One with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome)

(that title sounds like it came from a fanfic on LiveJournal circa 2010)

The first thing he says during the Asher interview segment is “I came here to be your friend.” No, you didn’t. You came here to interview him, supposedly to educate the world about people with Down syndrome, and also because you have chosen to make this channel your job. Therefore you have a business relationship with the people you interview. Just like with any other job, friendships can form over time, but you don’t just walk up to someone on your first day of work and say “I came here to be your friend.” Especially not to a kid, ew. 

(yes, I know this is something Chris does a lot. and yes, I am going to point it out every single time.)

Asher (who looks maybe 12 or 13? definitely not a little kid in any case) pulls himself into Chris’ lap, and instead of politely redirecting him to some other way of showing friendship and hanging out (because they’ve just met and Asher is at an age where he really needs to be learning about physical boundaries, especially with strangers) Chris says “I think I made a new best friend today.”

And then his parents talk about how it’s a coping mechanism for him. Which I get, but...he’s getting older. He could land in some serious danger if he doesn’t learn safer coping mechanisms soon. And I don’t want to judge his parents too harshly; the interview with them isn’t very long and it’s entirely possible that’s this is something they’re working on teaching him. But I do blame Chris. Especially since they’re telling him all about Asher’s trauma around abandonment. Like how can you do that to a kid who you know has that kind of history, just walk into his life for a day and tell him he’s your best friend and then leave? smh

It’s good that the mom acknowledges how her children help each other learn things, instead of painting herself as a saint taking care of completely helpless disabled children.

ok but then she says “He was what is commonly referred to as a ‘feral child’“ and, like, maybe don’t say that right in front of the kid you’re talking about??

“He’s got a lot of information in his head that we don’t always know is there, because he gets stuck on certan topics. Like treadmills, and food. And trains.” See this is why I always laugh/cry when other autistic people talk about people with Down syndrome/intellectual disabilities like they’re a different species from us. How can you not notice the similarities (both in how we are and how people talk about us)?

Why can’t he watch Polar Express today? Do you think nondisabled teenagers seek permission from their parents every time they want to watch something? (I knew I said I would try to refrain from criticizing the parents too much, but yeesh.)

It’s valid to feel sad your adopted kids spent the first few years of their lives in orphanages and to wonder what other abilities they might have developed if they hadn’t been neglected. BUT YOU DON’T NEED TO SAY THAT IN FRONT OF THEM! There is literally no reason to do that. Your daughter is clearly doing her best, just shut up.

When he introduces himself to Audrey, he says “I came here today. I really want to be your friend. What should I do so I can be your friend?” And while I think that’s still too forward of a way to introduce yourself to someone, I do think it’s a bit more respectful and less presumptuous than how in introduced himself to Asher. 

When interviewing Abel, who has Down syndrome and communicates through sign language, Chris kept his questions straightforward and concrete (mostly about things Abel liked). But then when interviewing Roman, who has FAS and is capable of speaking, but has trouble with language processing, Chris asks much more vague and abstract questions, to which Roman, predictably, replies “I don’t know.” I don’t know why Chris took such a different approach to interviewing these two. I would really like to think it’s not because Roman is the only one without Down syndrome, but I’m having trouble thinking of another reason. A lot of times, the less someone “looks” disabled, the more other people will expect the person to act like whatever most people would consider “normal”.

Or maybe Chris figured that since Roman can use his mouth to talk, he must be more capable of communicating complex ideas than someone who signs. Either way, it’s a great illustration of why high-functioning/low-functioning and verbal/noverbal are not very useful as binaries.

I have no idea how old any of these kids(?) are. This is something that’s consistent throughout most of SBSK and I think it’s a problem. Because there are a lot of times, in a lot of videos, where Chris or the parents will be talking to a disabled person in a way that’s fine when talking to a child, but not remotely ok when talking to an adult. And I won’t know what age the person is, so I can’t tell whether people are being condescending to them or not.

At the end of the video, the mom is talking about how Abel likes to pretend he knows less than he does so he can play jokes on people. This made me really happy, because earlier in the video, there were a couple of moments that made me wonder if that’s what was going on. First, when Chris tried to do his usual “I came here to be your friend” * routine, Abel responded by signing “I’m waiting for lunch”. And then later when Chris asks if Abel had a good time today, Abel signs “loud”. And I wondered both times if Abel was being snarky, but I didn’t want to assume because I don’t know him or his communication style. But after what his mom said, I’m pretty sure my first impression was correct.

(*and yes, that is the phrasing Chris used. Compare how he phrased it when talking to Audrey (who can speak fluently) to what he said to Asher and Abel, who seem to be mostly nonspeaking.)

That took a long time. I’m going to review some shorter videos now. (Back when Chris first started the channel, a lot of the interviews were only a minute or two long.)

A***** ***** (Doctors Advised Parents Not to Adopt Her)

Just think, for the rest of her life, whenever someone searches her name, this video, with that title, is going to pop up (probably one of the first results too, since this is such a popular channel). That’s why I blanked out her name; I don’t want to contribute to the problem.

The video opens with her crying while Chris holds her. He hugs her and says “It’s ok. I’m here for you.” Now, I don’t know about you, but if I was holding a young child who I’d never met before and they suddenly started crying, my first thought would be that maybe they were crying because they weren’t comfortable being held by a stranger, not that they were suddenly upset about something unrelated and wanted to be comforted by a stranger. 

The parts where he was singing to her and playing with her seemed alright. I kind of wish he would do stuff like that more. It seems more natural than his usual interview format and conveys a better sense of the children’s personalities, and most importantly, it seems like it’s a lot more comfortable for the children.

Corwin the Man (Down syndrome)

This kid is adorable. And i feel fine about saying that, because unlike most of Chris’ videos, they say what age Corwin is at the beginning, so I don’t have to wonder “wait, is Chris/am I infantilizing a teenager/adult?”

Ugh, there’s Chris asking “I feel like we’re best friends, do you feel like we’re best friends?” and Corwin says “yes” because what else are you going to do when you’re a kid in that situation and you have multiple adults looking at you expectantly.

Chris asks what makes him sad, and Corwin replies, “I’m not happy when Mom pressures me.” And I loved that, because the more recent SBSK videos are so generic, with interviewees rarely being encouraged to talk about anything unhappy, Or if they are, they’re expected to talk about bullying and the like, never about anything happening at home. So that was surprising and refreshing that he was allowed to say that.

But then Chris ruins it by saying, super condescendingly, “Moms pressure you because they love you.”

Aaaaaaand I’m done for now. This was interesting though. I’ll do another batch soon.

[nathanglover123]

Lifting dumbbells, using the treadmill and doing sit ups should hold the same merit as taking a shower and brushing your teeth should.

[screwsbarss]

Treadmills are the aerobic exercise

Treadmills are the aerobic exercise machine of choice for good reasons.  They are probably the most enjoyable exercise machines, whether you typically like a slow, comfortable walk or a long run.  Regardless of your age or fitness level, treadmills are suited for both intense and mild training, and therefore are one of the most effective pieces of exercise equipment you can buy.  A study that compared exercisers who worked out equally hard for the same time on several different types of machines found that they generally burned the most calories on a treadmill.  Consumer Reports research has shown that they're less likely to gather dust than other types of exercise machines.

A treadmill is judged in several ways.  Before you buy any treadmill, take it for a test run and check for the following attributes.  In addition, look at features, such as whether the treadmill Single Screw Barrel Of Injection Moulding Machine Manufacturers offers preset programs, or is capable of memorizing a program you've created for yourself.   Some machines can monitor the user's heart rate and adjust speed and incline to keep heart rate within a specified range.  The merit of some of these features, like handrails, will vary with the exerciser's body and motion.

Durability -- is evaluated by using a drum with pneumatic "feet" attached. The feet on the rotating drum pound the treadmill to simulate use by a 180-pound person jogging 500 miles -- the equivalent of a year's worth of use by a recreational runner. Then the treadmill is taken apart and examined for damage.

Ergonomics -- how the treadmill fits the user -- and the machine's ease of use are also examined. You should be able to use a good treadmill intuitively, or at least without constantly referring to the owner's manual.

A Thick Deck. The platform on which you'll run or walk is the machine's deck. A deck that's at least three-quarters of an inch thick will stand up best to the impact of running. If you're short of space, look for a deck that folds up. Make sure you can lift the deck easily and that the latch holds it securely in place.

Wide foot rails. Foot rails are located on either side of the deck.  Make sure you can stand on them while you start up the treadmill and that they're not tilted or wobbly.Large belt. Look for a belt that's at least 17 inches wide and 51 inches long. A small belt increases your chances of stepping off accidentally when it's moving.

Well-designed handrails. They should be close enough to reach if necessary, but they should not get in the way of your swinging arms. They should be cushioned if you plan to hold on while you exercise.Motor location. Make sure the motor housing is out of kicking range as you walk or run on the treadmill.  Also, look for a quiet motor. Easy-to-use controls. Avoid slide switches or knobs that you have to fiddle with to get to a desired setting.

Stability. Be sure the treadmill doesn't wobble or creep across the floor.Minimum incline near zero. Models that don't level off below 2 percent can make the workout more strenuous than you want.Useful programs. If you plan to use preset programs, see if you like the variety and can easily select the desired program. Check how the display monitors your progress through the program.

Other Extras. Touches that may help you decide between two otherwise similar machines include trays and stands to hold reading material or a remote control, a nest to rest your water bottle, and a place to safely hang your towel.

[mysimsloveaffair]

Peri retires to her bedroom, and Q is on the treadmill when I leave Merit’s bedroom.  I walk over to him…

Alida: You were so right...getting our parents together was a nightmare waiting to happen. I won’t be ready to do that again anytime soon.

Quincy: *chuckles* There was no bloodshed, so I consider it a success.

[beenjen]

Lilith had what I term, a ‘boobie night’ last night, in that she slept for ~ 5 hours, then would wake up randomly calling out for ‘boop’ getting progressively louder with each waking moment she was not provided said ‘boop.’ I don’t even care what the naysayers have to voice about cosleeping when it comes to nights like that, I eventually cave, throw her in the middle of the bed, and have mastered the side lying breastfeeding technique I was never able to with Jamis, throwing a tit in her mouth. At least that way we get some sleep, and post kid Jen, doesn’t require as much anymore, so some is better than none.

We got up a little later than usual, I fed both kiddos, and while they were eating, I put on the last layer of spackle 🙌🏽

The drywall ‘tape’ is now covered! I then loaded up the babies and ran them to my parents, because the sanding is messy and I didn’t want them breathing it.

It wasn’t dry when I got home, so I jumped on the treadmill and knocked out another HITT sesh. Though it bloody sucked. I didn’t get my runners high this go, but I made it. And hubs snapped this pic between yelling encouragements and slapping my bum

Asshat lol

My weight this morning was up 2 pounds again, not in addition to previous pounds, but from my new low, and I’m just going to put it out of my head, because I didn’t eat the leftover ice cream from dads party, but instead had hot tea, I DID however eat leftover jambalaya, so I suspect those delicious rice carbs are to blame.

I’ve upped my water intake to what I should be drinking all the time, and I’ve been using our distiller, which if you haven’t had distilled water, man it’s smooth, and I’ve noticed I’ll drink more that way.

Broke my fast with a kale, banana, pineapple, raspberry and cinnamon smoothie, and have grilled salmon salad on the menu for tonight. With all this positive, moving more and drinking proper water, I’m hoping my 3 week weigh in will merit at least something in the net neg range for tomorrow.

Anywho, I have this space age looking breather mask for the sanding process and I’ll be sure to snap a photo. I also looked up some options for the ceiling, and am going to try and encorporate the bathroom fan into a moon (shown below), and pull down the sky to the side wall and attempt a constillation/galaxy montage (like below). Also think I’ll paint the sink room the sky color all over, and maybe use the kids handprints as stars v trying to make jungle/plant theme.

Wish me luck xx

[raikoren]

some onions bout the bnha manga since im reading it in jp nao

the more i read of bnha the more i realise. i kind of fucking hate this series. it’s got all the ingredients of the classic old big 3. brilliant art, a cool character here or there (sometimes), bursts of muddled clunky progression but a cool fight to soothe the pacing and the mostly frustrating boring uninteresting pussy story choices! the sloppy sort of toothless writing only shounen jump editors can give me. it really truly reminds me of how i felt reading bleach .. but it hasnt got the same charm to make me forgive it. the artist is really really talented though absolutely adore some layouts especially when handguy is included and we get some cool reaching illustrations. he and his team are commendable for making such polished work week in week out and its genuinely so fun to read from an art perspective and i really like the fact he leans very heavily into a much looser style that makes everything stretch in a satisfying way as if its designed for animation despite being so complex in its illustration.

its one of those series that is painfully mediocre shounen and you can immediately tell that by the fact that even in this hammy nonserious plot, somehow, the female characters still get completely fucking shafted as excpected. they literally do almost fuck all and the big three characters that get the most development and are considered in-universe ‘main characters’ all happen to be male despite the entire main cast supposedly being the absolute best of the best at the best of this top superhero school.

yaomomo is probably one of the most egregious examples. a character whos top of the class, who got in on recommendations (just like the other deuteragonist) with only three other students making the cut and her big character conflict was that she for some reason, felt inferior to todoroki shouto, whose initial character arc revolves around the fact that ‘he’s not trying his best’. it’s notable that todoroki is never considered to be some freak of nature genius in the same way other characters, he’s impressive but there are stronger. but for some reason, his superiority over yaomomo is pivotal to her character. she doubts her own decision making skills compared to his due to losing so badly at the sports festival against fumikage.

now lets see here: this fucking emotionally constipated idiot who is noted in writing to not using his full potential since he has no motivation to actually win, handicapping his own abilities for most of the time due to crippling personal issues, who ALSO completely jobbed at the festival and gave up at the last match against bakugou and suffered a humiliating defeat because he lacks shame and conviction and who ALSO got in on recommendations? todoroki is an interesting character in his own right, hes strong but his flaws are glaringly evident and interesting. but for some reason he gets elevated to this position of being yaomomo’s ‘wall’.

hes not a team player, yes hes notably perceptive but to position the realtionship between momo and him like this it feels like such a pointless angle to work in cause its so antithetical to yaomomos whole characterisation and contradicts her entire background for .. what? shes got such a strong natural-leader type personality or she is attempting to have one despite the author somehow forgetting. yes she’s nervous and panics sometimes, but i think her entire character arc is intended for her to overcome this as the main crux. there is no doubt that yaomomo is strong. she is excellent as a leader, works extremely well in a team, has a level head and every single time we see her the author always brings it back round to the fact she is an excellent strategist and everyone looks to her to make a tactical decision. almost like her entire character revolves around leadership and self-confidence.

but compared to how shes portrayed against a ‘tactician’ like midoriya for example you would literally never guess that about her unless they didnt spoonfeed it to you that yes, this character is supposed to be smart sorry we keep making her look inept despite her entire character skill and ability being completely and utterly centred around this main concept teehee.

even compared to yoarashi (who i love), who also got in on recommendations, she doesnt get the same level of merit in the fiction. shes never truly made out to be a big deal in the same way the others are which not only fucking blows but makes the story more and more of a grating power up treadmill like a classic shounen jump manga without any of the charm or love. interesting characters like yaomomo who have clear visions are easily pushed aside and their traits sidelined to put more emphasis on other characters.

plus when she does get to make a big decision the narrrative acts like ‘oh was it even the right choice?! did we even make it worse!???’ which would be an interesting introspection for the headstrong characters who jump straight into shit, a reprieve from the individual bullshittery they can pull off without consequence but even though we set this character up specifically to make the right tactical decision in a pinch were not even gonna give her that satisfaction of being a HERO in this situation in this hammy feel-good plot cause thats reserved for the cool main character. its truly fucking unbearable. in the next few panels the main big trio of strong characters are making thoughtless decisions left right and centre with no hesitation or comment from the narrative with no internal struggle but here we are .. at what should be the culmination of a character arc that just .. falls fucking flat. for one of the bigger characters in the supporting cast of the series.... man the writing is just so poor.

you could say that trying to set up some linear character development where ‘girl is strong > gets confidence shaken > confidence comes back’ struggle contrasting against her ojou-sama calm and secretly playful demeanour is meant to be interesting and give her depth but honestly its just played straight in the most truly boring way but its ok! todoroki said keep your chin up queen and shes fine now. hes gonna go save aizawa-sensei with no input, no plan and be a hero because being hero is just about being the main character! everyone else can fuck off. she really needed that validation since she most likely will not have her own achievements, being recognised by this moron is her progression as a character despite her own character arc being infinitely more interesting and nuanced.

i do not expect a lot from a shounen manga sir, i came in with middling expectations and to look at some cool art whilst i awkwardly practice my japanese and yet. here we fucking are. i keep reading this hoping we get some comeuppance or some result but man. i feel like bnha is actually one of the series i wont bother keeping up with at all. the practice was really good! dont get me wrong its a great light read but im honestly surprised at how skewed the actual story is compared to fanworks. i just wanted some easy jp practice but i became weirdly invested in this probably cause i have a huge bias with cool character designs and the anime production was so ambitious.

o yea and one other thing. with tsu, ochako and nejire being introduced as going on the hassaikai raid but then completely sidelined at the first boss, essentially being relegated to being the mob charas that fits the thematic needs of that one random villain character it was sooo fucking lame. it really felt like the midboss had more thematic weight than these three girls first big fight. they were truly only there to fit the ‘lust’ theme they couldve been replaced by anyone else with tits.

in that arc too, midoriya definitely stepped on my toes the most since he took up moments that i thought would be more meaningful and appropriate with the other dot-eye dude that fell compleltey flat with him, got to use possibly the coolest fucking villain as a beatstick meter to show idk he had even more of a god mode i guess sometimes thanks to taking eri into battle instead of ykno relying on the other UA students and also giving them time to shine rather than interspersing flashbacks and shit before every meaningful fight to show ‘hey look how much this character has grown’ in the most cop out sort of storytelling. jirou i think at least gets some life written into her with meeting her parents and the ua school festival arc showing her talents and passion but shes barely utilised too and hagakure is a literal noncharacter her gag is barely even included half the time. mina gets some characterisation but even then its in the form of through another male character, kirishima, and in both instances its like the two are fighting for the spotlight of relavance which is a shame cause theyre both cooooooooooooool aaaaaaaa. every single girl character just feels like an ‘add-on’ or an afterthought, even moreso than the already forgotten secondary cast of which the most interesting dynamics and characters libe (denki and fumikage are cool!).

plus one gripe is that literally 5 separate girl characters have the same “oho they have to take their clothes off for their quirk to work ohooohgoho! so nautghty guess it cant be helped” and that just makes me like. you fucking suck at this bro just be horny with your whole chest making them have a flimsy embarassed half-excuse to be horny is lame. if you wanna make horny characters just fucking do it! enough of this stupid preamble you have to shoehorn in to every character every fucking time. just make it slutty and move on. there’s no need to be so annoyingly coy about it. also UA is the best most prestigious hero course and the girls who are going to become the top pro heroes go to their internship and its a fkn beauty commercial and its like. if they were at least building towards some commentary that female pro heroes are treated less seriously than their male counterparts like with mt.ladys flirting and her immediate paparazzi who takes pics of her ass, or to show that to become popular it means some level of corporate gameplaying and fanservice, it could be something but theres literally zero effort to comment or build on it at all its literally just presented as is and played straight. this is what it means to be a girl hero. that’s all. no comment.

i feel like miruko was a half-hearted attempt to remedy the lack of girl heroes that are actually strong and not bg props but its like it just feels like its been written as they go along with no overarching theme, nothing being built on or anything to say and it just feels so unsatisfying to read. characters that are introduced regularly get used at beatsticks to show how strong they are and get obliterated soon after to serve to show how cool and totally serious this new villain is ykno??? its so fucking tired a really classically shit kind of pointless circling narrative, like nothing truly has any weight to it and everything is meaningless before one for alls almighty relevance and power and whatever the plot needs has suddenly always existed lol dont worry bout it bro it was totally always there heres a star wars reference!

imo outside of the mangas art, the best thing about bnha is the anime adaptation with the exception of season4. the concept of having a long running shounen but giving it ample time, and a higher ambition in terms of production value and having a just absolutely fucking solid staff really make the first three seasons of bnha anime. naturally the voice acting and sound is anime standard gold but the production cant be understated it pulls so much of the slack. the direction and pacing of the first three seasons is honestly really well done, it feels like stuff builds up with ample time and we get much more focus on the background characters even in simple ways like introducing new group shots etc that give them much needed characterisation. one of my fave episodes is s3e3 which gives us a feeling of actual life and interaction as the kids train hard and get to spend an evening together having a bbq and its honestly full of just like group shots, framing in a way that really truly makes it a believable group of good kids trying their best at summer camp and gives almost everyone some much needed screentime.

one thing i noted as well is that the anime really likes to drive home important emotional points for certain characters through some great character acting - like yaoyorozus pivotal fight with fumikage is barely a passing glance in the manga whereas the anime really captures her desperation and panic as she tries her absolute best to react to the situation, not giving up even as shes overpowered only to realise in horror shes already lost. theres so much more weight and time given to this match and tbh its annoying that something that is meant to be so pivotal is barely glossed over in the manga since its so important to her future character motivations. it feels like when these moments and the strength of the supporting characters is lacking, the main story beats become more and more blatantly repetitive. some of the best parts of the arc are the bakugo rescue plan but were always served a fresh bland helping of izuku midoriya being the main character over utilising the strengths of other characters in this pivotal situation. it’s not like theres any fear of giving other characters ‘origin’ chapters and handing over the reigns away from midoriya it just for some reason, the author chooses not to really bother fleshing out characters who dont have immediate plot relavance or not the main three which makes the whole cast weaker.

imo even the anime is suffering from the source materials holes and its own slightly shoddy choices in direction with season 4 for some reason deciding to faithfully adapt the awful pacing of the overhaul arc and faithfully make it as dry as possible and devoting a solid 6 episodes to the frankly lame school festival arc despite it clearly suffering for time in the first half. it also includes my new least favourite trope of cutting the sound design completely to a slow vocal track along with the most eye wateringly boring fight pacing it was literally like. sir i want to skip this. you are going to make me watch this stupid fight with the dude whos character motivations got explained to me three seconds ago? with a new power up for green boy? with no sound design so theres even less weight to this whole fucking fight? and youre not even going to let me listen to you say run? how fucking dare you do this to me. the anime adaptation cannot stand on its own two legs with the source material alone. it needs strong direction to patch up the holes or stellar animation to distract me since without either its truly a weak weak show.

i know i already talked about it but really wish overhaul and his whole arc was handled better since i felt like it had promise. the wild shift in tone as i was reading was actually pretty surprising and the whole premise reminds me of how fucking nutty and exciting the yorknew city arc in hxh was for that series. the possibility of building how the actual underworld functions, which is tantalisingly never truly talked about in a world of cartoony heroes and villains was interesting and i was ready to see what organised crime with fucking superpowers could bring to the table plus all the new characters really looked damn cool. but overhaul himself, despite his fucking amazing intro and his title of no.2 in the underworld after all for one was in like 12 chapters and the arc literally served to introduce a plot device then fuck off with all its characters immediately having no impact at all and not even utilising the introduced concepts of the yakuza, organised crime and drugs in the age of quirks in any fuckin way. the majority of development came from fucking flashbacks literally seconds before a fight and they were scarce with anything interesting. like SIR WHAT A WASTE I HAD FINALLY FOUND MY GRIMMJOW AGAINST THESE UNSEXY LoV LOSERS WITH NO CHARISMA AND YET everyone keeps telling me that it was just a weak arc and the others are better. but having read them i think its just emblematic of the sort of writing style which prioritises having cool ‘moments’ for its beloved main character over a a cool interesting solid story that produces amazing moments and has the insane shounen payoff that you expect.  

my closing thoughts are that its at least a solid manga to read whilst eating breakfast a solid 3/10 and probably higher if you like little broccoli boy and for some reason want him to win. which i dont. he has a terminal case of unlikable bland shounen mc syndrome and the worst thing is that he didnt used to be like that, he grew into it. his whole character is such a waste to me, turning him into the chosen special one with the greatest quirk is the most boring path possible for someone who had such a strong desire and conviction to be a hero. that we see building themselves up out of their own merit for most of the series and then suddenly giving him the power of more quirks fucking sucks. having such a ridiculous power and such a devastating payoff kept his fights interesting and i think the fight where eri allowed him to use it at full power with no drawbacks was such a fucking let down. there were better ways for him to grow other than idk more quirks cause hes special. and truly outside of attaining more power to become no.1 he has very little conflict in his character after someone else goes out of the way to instill confidence in him its also very annoying that repeatedly were shown how hard everyone works to get into ua, to become the heroes they want to be but its always dwarfed in comparison to izuku and the whole fucking scene with allmight at the end of the kamino incident being specifically for izuku, instead of a rallying cry that you are next, every one of you must struggle to become the hero that you want to be - to bear the weight of the symbol of peace is not for one persons shoulders alone like its a shame cause the series spends so much time hammering home how these kids are the best of the best, the ones who really truly want it but theyre not really treated with the same regard at all and their struggles and improvement are nowhere near on the monumental level of midoriya.

i feel like the narrative has all the makings of something interesting, but somehow fucking hilariously misses its own point. truly ripping apart the idea of becoming the greatest hero, the ‘symbol of peace’, that becoming a pillar isnt any way for a human to live and glorifying one persons sacrifice for all our sakes isnt right and that the true insiduous evil of hero society is that it makes us truly believe that people are painted in black and white rather than many shades of grey and forces people to take on things they shouldnt, allows certain powerful individuals to enforce their own wills on the world and robs everyday people, the powerless and weak of any agency of how their society works. it acts like heroism is an inherent trait only afforded by the strong and that being anything less than the ultimate hero is a failure even if it means doing awful tings, like throwing away your children giving them mental scars, leaving behind whole families in the name of heroism falling in the line of duty being seen as some great honour, leaving kids to wander the streets since doing necessary but painful things are for better equipped people, right? wash your hands of it and let a hero deal with it. honestly i just want to see a weak supporting characters heroism. that was the charm of early bnha. ive had enough of this blind thoughtless heroism thats presented as the correct one, for the chosen few. i want to see the struggle for it, insatiable longing that you cant help pushing you on, but most of all i want to see the hero you can be in ways that are meaningful but yours alone and taking back the world inch by inch from the common villainy of our society with one person at a time, reaching out to your hand no matter how scarred. to look your dreams in the face and turn your back on them. tearing down the sun, shattering it into a million pieces, but the small shards shine brighter and can be held in mortal hands. but nah izuku is going to be all might super cop 2 dont worry bout it guys. dw he’ll also choose some poor fucking kid to bear this burden after he becomes useless in battle and we can discard him as a person and simply keep him as an icon since the narrative keeps allowing the villains to have valid criticisms against society but always dismiss them since theyre villains you know and youre not meant to actually think about changing society despite your position of power, just enjoy being no.1 whilst your alive and rinse and repeat pog.

i think thats why i can easily see why bakugo and todoroki are so popular through the series as they do take a long time to get through their extremely shitty issues and they are genuinely shitty little teen psychopaths who are horrible fucking bastards. but they grow up and in really tangible gratifying ways. they seem to have as many setbacks as they do wins, constantly fucked over by their own hubris but still finding a way to power through despite it all trying to awkwardly form connections and become better people as well as better heroes and they can not do so on their own. their struggles are treated with gravity and they always acquire some kind of new strength in return but at a pace that doesnt put them miles ahead of their other classmates but definitely feels weighted and substantial to their development. todoroki gritting his teeth but slowly realising that he has a fucking ridiculous opportunity in his hands with endeavours agency and even inviting his friends is monumental in its own way, endeavour texting his son and his son texting back is like. it really does feel like something. its also interesting that as broccoli boy gets stronger he gets subsequently less and less likeable imo like ... sir you are NO shirou emiya. you do not have the range or the sheer trauma to be so dogged and blind in your ideals despite the world you occupy and everyone else around you. i was sold shirou emiya superhero manga with sexy juwabe sunichi teacher and only one of those thigns is true!!!

[sergle]

K so you got me seriously interested in NoSleep, so now I’m going to listen to it while I’m at the gym where No one and Nothing can hurt me because it’s a public place. And what ghost will hurt a guy while he’s running on a treadmill? A bastard ghost, that’s who.

you know I think there’s some merit to that, the stories have had a ton of settings but none of them are set in a gym yet

[vidya0123-blog]

Best Gym Machine for Glutes Reviews

Going to a rec center for the absolute first time can be a scary encounter. The vast majority float towards a cardio machine like the treadmill or exercise bicycle, since we as a whole expertise a bicycle and our legs work. That is fine and dandy, yet there's another arrangement of exercise center machines that we suggest attempting while you discover your feet – the loads machines.

"Loads machines are extremely simple to execute," says Dan Petersen, wellbeing and wellness chief at DW Fitness First on Tottenham Court Road in London. "They commonly follow very fundamental lines of development. For instance, a chest press is a straight push away from the body, and in light of the fact that it doesn't need such a great amount of spotlight on dependability contrasted and free loads, individuals think that its somewhat simpler.

"They're what we call compound developments – at least two joints in real life. Taking the chest press once more, the elbow and shoulder joints move, which gets the chance to work your front shoulder, pectorals and rear arm muscles. So with loads machines you're ready to hit huge volumes of muscle on the double.

"From a wellbeing perspective, it's anything but difficult to alter the weight too and most weight machines will in general have directions."

Petersen rushes to bring up that loads machines shouldn't be the most important thing in the world of an exercise center goer's understanding. "I like bringing new individuals into bodyweight works out, showing them how to board and do squats appropriately. Weight machines are in a fixed situated position and particularly for individuals who plunk as the day progressed, sitting them on a rec center machine isn't proactive."

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In any case, in case you're resolved to going only it, or your exercise center doesn't offer individual guidance or you can't bear the cost of it, here's a basic, dynamic arrangement you can follow to begin in the exercise center.

Rec center Machine Workout Plan For Beginners

Instructions to Select The Right Weight

"It's an intense one for individuals coming in, so the main piece of counsel is to do it with the help of a fitness coach who can give unpleasant rules on where to begin," says Petersen. "Be that as it may, on the off chance that you're all alone, start with a specific rep range and afterward utilize the RPE (pace of apparent effort) scale. Target reps for general wellness or weight reduction would associate with 10 to 15 for every set. In the event that you can finish 15 reps and your RPE is under eight out of ten, increment the weight. On the off chance that the RPE is ten out of ten and you can't get to 10 reps, you're likely going a piece excessively overwhelming and need to diminish the weight in like manner."

How frequently A Week To Do This Workout

"This exercise is a brisk and simple prologue to weight preparing," says Petersen. "A great many people would have the option to do it three times each week in the event that they had a rest day in the middle. Preparing on a Monday, Wednesday and Friday suits the vast majority."

How long To Do This Workout For

The short answer is until you arrive at your cutoff points and quit improving. "Regularly, most preparing programs are eight to 12 weeks," says Petersen. "You will adjust to the developments rapidly and after some time you'll have the option to slowly expand the weight and the reiterations will go up also. It will arrive at a point where the weight or the redundancies aren't going up for a few meetings, which would demonstrate that you're hitting somewhat of a level." Unless you have an incredible memory, it merits keeping a preparation journal of reps, weight utilized and a RPE score you can allude back to.

Following a couple of months, ideally you'll have gotten an opportunity to attempt different classes and parts of the exercise center and will be sufficiently certain to begin attempting new things. "We run exercise center floor classes called Freestyle Group Training. I generally encourage tenderfoots to come into those classes since it gives them a prologue to various kinds of developments."

source

https://reviewunits.com/

[skgway]

1824 Aug., Sat. 28

6 3/4

3 20/60

From 8 10/60 to 9 10/60 took a stroll along Coventry Street, Halfhide and Co., No. 7. Will cut me a seal with a motto e.g. a violet under a hedge with the motto il faut me chercher, for a guinea. Cutting my arms would be 3 guineas – 

Then strolled along the Haymarket Jermyn Street., Regent Street to the end of Pall-Mall, thro’ St. James Square home – Sauntering leisurely turning up and down to look about me – Breakfast at 9 1/2 – went out at 10 10/60 – 

Mr. Webb went with me to shew me the Jews’ synagogue (Danemark Court, Exeter Street Strand) – Went thro’ Leicester Square – 1/4 hour at the synagogue – Much disappointed – A dirty shabby place, yet they say, quite as good as that in Duke’s place near Houndsditch – But it seems, their grand place, where the tabernacle is, is in the minories – the Jew do not like to admit strangers – Cordingley met us just come out of the chapel (I had sent her at 9 to Mr. Truefitt to take a lesson in hair dressing) – 

Went to the sitting magistrate Hatton garden – Only 2 magistrates there this morning (got there at about 11), the one Mr. Flower, the other (the most gentlemanly) who behaved to me so like a gentleman yesterday – 5 40/60 p.m. Interrupted here by dinner – 

Mr. Webb soon brought up a roast leg of mutton and a newspaper asking me if I would like to look at it – I casually answered yes! He said there was business at Hatton Garden in it – He had never thought of its getting into the papers, and now it would be in them all – ‘Ah!’ said I, ‘the thought and fear of it just struck me last night – I am very sorry for it’ – It was the Times newspaper of today – 

The whole thing very fairly put in – At the moment I felt mortified and annoyed at the idea of what a quiz it would be against me – Mr. Webbe saw this, which was probably more than he expected – I soon, however, grew reconciled as I always do, and told Mr. Webb when he came in again I could not help laughing at the thing, and did not know before that I was like a foreigner – “a lady whose habiliments and address bespoke her of foreign extraction” – 

Told Mr. Webbe, if my uncle saw, it would a laugh against me forever – The truth was, I thought first of the Saltmarshes and that it would be in everybody's mouth at Halifax – 

But to return to my this morning’s visit in Hatton garden – I walked in to the magistrates room – It seems, by the newspaper, Mr. Rogers was the 3rd magistrate yesterday and Mr. Laing the gentlemanly man to whom I felt most obliged – 

I bowed and told him I had brought Mr. Webb – Mr. Laing appeared to smile, just said if I would give my name and address the permission should be granted – I asked if my name would not be sufficient. On his answering, ‘No!’ They were obliged to be particular whom they admitted – only to admit ladies and gents – Immediately wrote Miss Lister Shibden Hall Yorkshire, and Mr. Laing desired a clerk to write an order for me and my servant Elizabeth Wilkes Cordingley and Mr. Webb to see the tread-mill and the interior – I bowed, said I was much obliged the the gents, and retired – 

The order procured us instant admittance, the utmost civility, and a sight of the whole interior – I asked the matron (a very nice woman who shewed the womens’ apartments, if she often shewed them – She said yes! But it required a particular order from the magistrates – And that this order (by which we were admitted), must have been a very particular one – 

A most gratifying sight to see the prison so clean, and healthy, and orderly, and altogether in such excellent discipline – About 250 men and women and children – The men and women have 1 1/4 lb. bread a day, a pot (would hold a quart, I think at least) of gruel a day, and 6 oz. of meat every other day, and on the intermediate days, soup made of what the meat (beef, I understood) was boiled thickened with oatmeal and vegetables – 

The women far worse to manage then the men – The matron would have less trouble with 500 men than 10 women – The young women (in their teens) the worst – And the man told us, the boys were much worse than the men – He thought there was more vice among them then any set of people – 

8 20/60. I have just had Mr. Webb who came with the Courier newspaper (a little different from the Times, not less civil to me) and begged to say, he thought perhaps I had best write something in reply – Had best write a handsome letter to the editor of which paper I chose (I preferred the Courier) – I shall think of this a few minutes – 

Began to write some – Buckley came with my pelisse – It does not fit at all – A great deal too large – Then the person from Waller’s brought my stays – Luckily, these do very well – At last, at 10 1/2 sat down and finished (altered the whole style of what I had written before) the following:

 “To the editor of the Courier – 

Sir – I have this moment read in your paper of today, the account of my applying yesterday to the magistrates of Hatton Garden for permission to see the treadmill at Cold Bath-Fields prison – I am surprised and sorry to find myself so unexpectedly intruded on the valuable space of your paper, having been perfectly thoughtless that so unimportant a circumstance could have been deemed worthy of notice; but since the matter has been made public, I feel desired that my motive should be divested of the “scientific” nature to which it has been attributed, and reduced to the simple wish of examining for myself the merits or demerits of the tread-mill. 

I beg to express my thanks to the magistrates for their order of admission, which procured me not only access to the whole interior of the building, but the most obliging civility and attention from the matron and other attendants, on whom the apparent health and civil manners of the prisoners, and the perfect neatness and cleanliness of all the rooms, reflect the highest credit – 

I cannot help feeling persuaded from the case with which all the prisoners, male and female, seemed to perform the exercise of the tread-mill, as well as from the short trial I myself made of it, that the labor is not so excessive as it has been represented, nor by any means so great as that daily undergone by a large portion of the lower classes of society – 

If this determination never to condemn even in my own mind (for I presume not beyond this) any institution sanctioned by the proper authorities of my country, till I have taken all the pains in my power to procure the best possible information on the subject, – 

If such a determination, tho’ however in the present case too hastily or ignorantly pursued, can at all excuse the singularity and perhaps informality of my application to the magistrates, I shall be much obliged to you to insert this letter in your next paper, and am Sir, your honourable servant A. Lister”–

Sent for Mr. Webbe – read him the above – He thought nothing could be better and was for my sending it – But I had determined to let the matter rest, and merely wrote this, that he might not think I could not do it – 

Told him I should not like the notoriety of the thing – Should bring John Bull upon myself, etc. etc. and should be absent into the bargain, etc. and Mr. Webbe finished by agreeing I was right, tho’ I plainly saw he would have liked the notice into which I should probably bring myself – 

I told [him] I could bring myself into notice any time, but it would not suit me now. John Bull would sift out everything. And my uncle, tho of an old family and good fortune, did not live in that style, would bear me out at present as I should wish – 

But to return once more to the morning – After leaving the prison Mr. Webbe walked with us in search of South Crescent (Alfred Place Tottenham Court road) – It seemed a pretty long walk thro’ Brandenburgh, n! Mecklenburgh Squares, and thro’ an abundance of new streets –

Knocked at home 3 in the crescent – Asked for a wrong person, merely to find out that Mr. James Vallance lived there – A dirty woman servant came to the door – A simple house, like all the rest in the crescent – 4 stories high including the cellar kitchens – But I think the V– [Vallance]’s must be a vulgarish set – 

Returned by the Soho bazar – Mr. Webbe shewed us all over it – Got home at 2 – Thanked Mr. W– [Webb] for his civility – The poor man had spoken most handsomely of his wife, and seemed to like to talk of her – He seems impressed with a considerable of my talents, and importance, physical strength, walking, riding, etc. etc. 

Asked him about the expense of living in London – or of having lodgings or being at an hotel – He thought I could keep myself a maid and 2 men at an hotel very handsomely for 3 guineas a day, and a couple of horses would cost me a guinea a week each at livery – 

My cloth boots pinched me – Changed them and went out again directly – Took Cordingley to shew her the Burlington Arcade and Western Exchange bazar – Then sent her home – 

Sauntered slowly along myself to 166 Strand, and bought (at Dobson’s) a self-pointing pencil – Did npot much like the manners of the man, but found his pencil 3 /. [shillings] cheaper than in the Exeter change [Exeter Exchange], where I bought a small mariner’s compass in a brass case 4 /. [shillings] – 

Then sauntered all along Regent Street and Portland Place, and Park Crescent across the new road a little way into the Park – The entrance paris style portico and steeple of all souls church at the far end of Regent Street very beautiful – The circle not quite finished – Regent Street and the tout ensemble Portland Place, etc. magnificent – 

Met with a seal cutter No. 260 who would cut a fancy seal (a violet and il faut me chercher) for about 12 /. [shillings], ladies’ arms 1 1/2 guineas, gentlemans 2 guineas, without a motto, and 2 1/2 with one – Silvester No. 27 Strand would charge 18 /. [shillings] for the fancy seal, 2 guineas for a lady’s arms, and 2 1/2 for a gentlemans – Cheaper than Halfhide – 

Got home at 5 20/60 – Washing my hands, etc. Dinner at 5 40/60 – The occupations of the evening are given out of their place – Above – Very fine day – E [one dot, treating venereal complaint] O [no dots, marking discharge]. 

Settl[ed my accounts (sent Cordingley to bed at 11) and went to my room at 12 40/60. Then packed, which took me till 2 3/4 –

[More About Coldbath Fields Prison]

In the Mount Pleasant area of Clerkenwell, London the prison was originally run by magistrates and housed prisoners on short sentences of up to two years, and also served as a debtor's prison. It took its name from Cold Bath Spring, a medicinal spring discovered in 1697. The prison housed men, women and children until 1850, when the women and children moved to Tothill Fields Bridewell, leaving only male offenders over the age of 17. Despite its aspirations to be more humanitarian, it became notorious for its strict regime of silence and its use of the treadmill.

"Prisoners Working At The Tread-wheel, And Others Exercising, In The 3rd Yard Of The Vagrants' Prison, Coldbath Fields" from "The criminal prisons of London, and scenes of prison life (1864) by Henry Mayhew & John Binny.

Another image from “The criminal prisons of London, and scenes of prison life” (1864) by Henry Mayhew & John Binny. The main felons block is on the left, the vagrants block was the "half cartwheel" bottom left, the misdemeanants block centre right. More details are on the accompanying plan File:coldbath-fields-plan-mayhew-p283.jpg

Extract from London Courier and Evening Gazette, Saturday 28 August 1824, shared by Moira Macdonald with The Real Anne Lister blog.

[dailyaudiobible]

07/17/2020 DAB Transcript

1 Chronicles 24:1-26:11, Romans 4:1-12, Psalms 13:1-6, Proverbs 19:15-16

Today is the 17th day of July welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian it is an honor and a joy as it is every day to just come around this Global Campfire together and allow the word of God, the Scriptures to be spoken into our lives and lead us further and deeper into the story of the Bible as we take this journey together. So, today we’ll be going back into the story of King David as we continue our journey through first Chronicles before getting back into Paul's letter to the Romans. We’re reading from the Lexham English Bible this week. First Chronicles 24 verse 1 through 26:11.

Commentary:

Okay. So, as we continue deeper and deeper into Paul's letter to the Romans we’re seeing him kind of systematically begin to lay the groundwork for all of his argument, which is essentially his way of kind of dismantling, for the sake of a better word, kind of deconstructing all the pieces of his training as a Pharisee and all his understanding and adherence to the Mosaic law, not so that it can be disassembled and thrown in the dumpster, but rather to lay down the component parts and go, “what do we have here? How does this all line up? Has this all lined up correctly? Have we missed something?” Because for Paul, as a Pharisee and for the Hebrew people, adherence, so open obedience to the law was paramount, like the essential component, the way toward salvation, as it were. And in…in their worldview and in their understanding, Moses is the great prophet God used to bring them out of Egypt and to establish their identity as a people. It was through Moses leadership that this law came to be. And, so, their reverence for him is obvious and is important. And I mean, we read the story of Moses and…and we traveled through all things together as we moved through the Bible this year so we can see why he's that important of a figure. And Paul's not trying to diminish Moses. It's just that Paul had adhered to the law as best as he possibly could and so had the millions and millions of people who went before him and everyone…like it was this common understanding that you're supposed to obey the law, but it's also this common understanding that it's not possible, that nobody had been able to do it until Jesus, but we’ll get to that in the course of time. Nobody had been able to do it, and everybody understood that. And, so, where does that leave you? It leaves you on a treadmill that you can never get off, right?  It leads you chasing something you can never achieve. And, so, at a foundational level after Paul had this encounter with Christ, questions like, “is this really what’s going on…like…is this really how it works, that we will always try but never ever actually achieve, is that how the whole thing is set up? Is that what God wants, to be available if you could get yourself perfect enough?” So, what Paul did, whether this was a revelation from Jesus or something that he really thought about during the time where he was…where after he met Christ, he was very discombobulated and had to figure out what had happened? Whatever he did, whenever he did it, he started back at the beginning, the beginning of the Hebrew story. The first person that originates the story was a man named Abram. And again, we followed his whole story as we went through the Bible and God changed his name to Abraham and told him he would be the father of many nations. Well, Abraham…like this ethnicity called Hebrew is the offspring of Abraham, but was Abraham a Hebrew? This hasn't even been a term coined yet. And did Abraham obey the law? He didn't because it didn't exist yet. And was Abraham made righteous before God because he got circumcised as a sign of the covenant with God? No. According to Paul, quoting the Hebrew Scriptures, “if Abraham was justified by works, then he has something to boast about, but not before God. What does the Scripture say? And Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him for righteousness.” So, the argument is pretty technical, pretty thick with long run-on type sentences for sure. But the argument is, “God was doing things before the Mosaic law, and before Moses. It didn't all start there. Moses was a continuation of a story as, for them, as we all know from our own Scriptures. Abraham didn't do anything, didn't obey any law to become righteous before God. What he did do was believe God, put his faith in God and follow this God to a land he didn't know and believed in his old age, that a child of promise would be born. And this would be the first child of this new thing, this new kingdom of priests that would introduce the world to the one Creator, Father God. So, even though we can read this now, look at his argument, go back to the Hebrew Scriptures, the Old Testament, read and see that, “yeah that's what it says”, and see that the theological understanding that's being argued here has merit. This is a big shift for Paul's hearers. It is complicated and could have incredible implications for their understanding of…of the culture that had been being built for all the centuries. It was polarizing, it was divisive, not on purpose…not for the sake of just stirring up trouble, but it caused people to reconsider. And some, most for that matter, couldn't get on board and branded Paul a heretic because it was breaking down some very, very serious things in their culture, like exclusivity. What Paul is saying is that Abraham believed before there were any Jewish people and that's what made him righteous, not following any law. The law was there to lead people and everything that they did to remind them who God is and who their allegiance is to. But it wasn't the thing that was going to save them. It was their faith. That's what happened with Abraham, which opens up a can of worms because then anybody who believes…anybody who believes can be made righteous. And, so, here we…we see a battle that has been going on and continues until this day, “who gets to be in?” Paul says it like this, “is this a blessing for those who are circumcised, or also for those who are uncircumcised?” Of course, we understand that male circumcision was a sign of the covenant, something that happened at eight days old for male children, a symbol and a sign that would follow them their entire lives in their most intimate moments that they are in covenant with God and that they are this specific, set apart, exclusive people. So, Paul’s like, “is the blessing for those who are circumcised, or also for those who are uncircumcised? For we say”, and he’s quoting the Scriptures again, “faith was credited to Abraham for righteousness. How was it credited then, while he was circumcised or while he was uncircumcised?” And then he tells them, “certainly not while he was circumcised. He was made righteous before God while he was uncircumcised, and circumcision came after as a seal of a covenant. His faith, his belief in God and what God told him even before the rituals were invented is what worked. And, so, Paul’s essentially trying to say, “it’s got to still be that way. Everyone who believes, everyone who puts their faith in God who calls upon His name can enter in.” So, we’re like mostly Gentiles in this community, the Christian faith is mostly a Gentile religion at this point. And, so, we can read this stuff and just go, “okay…well…there's…there's the theology of my faith. This is why it works and it's in the Bible. And, so, that's that.” And we don't understand how unsettling the message of Paul was to his fellow Hebrew people. We do understand that there was a lot of antagonism toward him and assassination plots toward him and imprisonment and all of that. We understand that the mob would form everywhere he went practically, but we don't always understand like, “why? What's the big deal? He’s just saying really nice good things that…that God the Father of all welcomes you, you can come to him. You can be welcomed.” Like, we don't see the problem with the message. This is kind of the deal though. Paul is going back beyond Moses and trying to tell the story from the beginning and it really, really messes with rituals and traditions that have been embedded for centuries inviting the people forward, like inviting and pulling them forward into freedom but they can’t get their minds around it, and it feels like heresy. And, so, they brand him a heretic and do everything that they can to take him out. So, what do we do with that? Well, number one we rejoice. We rejoice that, by faith we can be made righteous before God and invited into an intimate friendship with the most-high God, like a being we can't even possibly comprehend with our minds alone. That's what the good news is. But then we also have to examine our lives. Like are we just living in the good news by faith or do we have our own version  of the rules that we’re like really trying to manage and manage everyone around us? And do we brand people and go after people who don't see it the same way that we do? Or are we confident in our own faith and our eyes are focused on our own life knowing that the Holy Spirit, knowing that the most-high God is all powerful? And as much as we think we might be defending Him. He is all powerful. He is most high. He is that He is, and He will do what he chooses. Like, we do this because we’re scared to get it wrong and we do this because we need to be right. But according to Paul, the way you get it right is that you believe.

Prayer:

Father we believe and…and help our unbelief. And help us God to not lose the plot of this story because we’re watching people over generations, over millennia in the Scriptures lose the plot of the story. And we confess, we lose it all the time, big and small, lose it all the time. What we have to do is rest in the fact that there's nothing we can do but put our faith in You, and that's what is required. And that in turn transforms us from within and our actions and convictions follow suit because of the transformation that You are doing within us. All we have to do is believe. All we have to do is stay open. But we close ourselves down all the time. Come Holy Spirit, we open ourselves to You, trusting that You will lead us into all truth, and that all we have to do is believe that You have rescued us and remain in fellowship with You. Jesus, make this real for us. Click it into place. Let it not be a theological formula. Transform it into our reality. There is so much freedom there. We don't have to figure it out for everybody anymore. We don't manage anything anymore. It's all a gift and we are lucky to be here. We carry this in our hearts today. How fortunate we are that You would even know who we are, much less adopt us into Your family as Your children. May we live like that today. Come Holy Spirit we ask. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

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