#mention of inazuma eleven (there will be more in the next chapters) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yarameijer · 1 year ago

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Hi again 👋,I am here after reading chapter 42 of accidental reverse and it's epic,it was definitely worth the long wait,I am a sucker for tenma&shuu and tenma& shindou friendship,so,I can't wait for the next one, How's recovery going,well I hope. love from Hana

So,one thing that really bothers me about inazuma eleven is that they gloss over relationships that are important.I get this anime mostly focuses on soccer,but still,I thought about and tenma got betrayed 4 times in the series,4 Times,That's insane

First,shuu: I don't like that they completely glossed over this in the movie,I get that they didn't know each other for long,but tenma trusted him and shuu clearly knew they'd be playing against each other,being part of the team that beat raimon up, completely disregarding tenma's reaction,not patting an eye at tenma's best friend being locked in a cage like an animal.no matter how you look at it, that's a betrayal,I know the "fixed things"at the end of the movie,bit, tenma must've been hurt that someone he trusted betrayed him from the very beginning but shuu didn't apologize and I hate that.

Next, taiyou :I talked about this one in my previous post,What Taiyou did even without telling gouenji about anything interesting tenma told him(because that's not canon),what he did is a huge betrayal,Not telling tenma when he knew of his involvement in the revolution,acting cold and rude during their match,lying to his friend's face, completely disregarding his friend's feelings.That's a huge betrayal and I wish they payed attention to it,it was overshadowed by shindou breaking his leg and again tenma must've been hurt.

Next,Fei: this one's self explanatory,He apologized and I guess he betrayed all of raimon,but again,He and tenma were definitely the closest and he was hurt.

Next,The one that hurt him the most, tsurugi:I don't think I have to explain this and my hand's tired.

Not to mention that tge team treated him horribly in the beginning,like,shindou literally beat a junior up and I know he was upset,I know he was angry,but that doesn't excuse it,He's older and he should've taken it easy on a newbie who helped them before.and he never apologized.

Kurama was definitely the worst,He was rude,cold and blamed tenma for literally everything wrong in the club which is ridiculous and he never apologized.

The rest of the team, basically stood by and watched,The only ones on tenma's side from the very beginning are shinsuke and Aoi,which is why I love this trio and I think it should get more love.

So,my point is that everyone treated tenma horribly,no one apologized except for Fei and those betrayals must've hurt.

I want these guys to realize they messed up when they see tenma being hesitant to tell them something or see him more comfortably sharing things with, let's say,earth eleven more than them, specifically Taiyou and shuu.

Could you write a drabble about it.

Sorry,this is so long.I read A.R chapter 42 and came to vent.

Love you ❣️

Oh boy do I have feelings about this.

Through the years of writing stories, as I grew older, I started looking deeper into the characters' mindsets, to try and give them a more realistic and individual representation. This means it isn't always in line with what is shown in the anime, but I don't really mind. Tenma's character is pretty interesting to me because of three reasons: his cheerful attitude, his insecurities, and being allowed to move miles away from home at age eight.

The first two are quite well known in the fandom already and more people have experimented with it, but it's the third one I rarely see. Someone even told me it wasn't a big deal.

Is it really, though? What would such a thing do to a child? What kind of family situation would it be for parents to allow their eight-year-old kid to move several hundred miles away, for years? I get that he wanted to play at Raimon and that they were supporting him - but he started that school at age 12/13, so why would he be sent to Inazuma Town four years before he could even attend Raimon? It doesn't mean Tenma's parents are bad or abusive, but it does imply there's a more complicated situation, one that could actually explain quite a lot of Tenma's insecurities. It's just something that's been keeping my mind occupied lately, and I'm planning to use it in my stories more.

All in all, I feel like Tenma's character can be quite complicated, without a ridiculously complicated and tragic backstory. It just doesn't fit, y'know? And it's a bit too cliché for me. Putting that aside for now, there's also one more specific characteristic I've given the Tenma in my stories: he has a hard time opening up, which means I'm not sure whether the issues you mentioned are ones he would just talk about. The Tenma I'm writing is much more likely to try to deflect a topic so I don't think I can fully 'finish' this? The issue won't be resolved by the end of the drabble because healing takes time, and I think I might build on this idea in future chapters more. I'll try my best though! And I didn't include Earth Eleven cuz they didn't seem right for this role. Instead Aoi gets some more love XD

So, just a warning, I have an idea for the start of this drabble but beyond that, my mind is blank. I have no idea what I'm about to write so bear with me here, and let's hope it's not too messy.

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Tenma has never had a lot of friends.

He told his yearmates, once, when they were hanging out at his house. Kariya and Hikaru had been talking about the team, about how much fun every day was, about how they weren't used to it. Tenma, relaxed and content and safe, agreed.

They'd been surprised, a little disbelieving. They were nice about it! But Kariya's, "For real? Could've fooled me!" had stuck with him, no matter how teasing it had sounded.

It's the truth, though. Before Raimon he'd had Aoi, and one or two people he would sit with during lunch at school, but that was about it.

He loves Inazuma Town, now more than ever - but making the switch from his relatively small seaside hometown to this busy Tokyo district was hard, harder than he'd admitted to anyone but himself. It's not that he didn't want to, but... Aki always got so sad when Tenma was sad and he could see her brightening whenever he said he was happy (and he was!) and okay. He didn't understand it fully back then, but he thinks he's starting to. Aki had been so young.

(Sometimes he's guilty, for putting more weight on her shoulders. For making her look after him when she was barely in her twenties.

Sometimes he's angry at his parents for putting such a burden on her. For ever getting it in their minds to ask their young cousin to be responsible for an eight-year-old child.

Sometimes he's angry at them for allowing him to go in the first place.

Most often, though, he's angry at them for making him want to.)

Tenma was in a new town, living with a relative he barely knew, and painfully shy. His soccer obsession didn't exactly help - everyone likes soccer, of course, how could they not when seeing all those hissatsu? But they don't live and breathe it like he does, like his teammates do. When the kids in his neighborhood found out that soccer was all he ever focused on, they lost interest in him pretty quickly.

(Most of them, at least, and the ones who didn’t - well, their interest wasn’t exactly a good thing.)

Aoi was an exception. But, Tenma has long since realized, Aoi is absolutely crazy in her own, hidden way (she'd have to be, to put up with their team's shenanigans).

Anyway.

Tenma isn't very experienced in the friends department, as surprising as many people seem to find it. He's never really cared, to be honest. He'd had Aoi and Aki and Sasuke and he found out early on that a lot of people just don't care. Fighting that never worked out for him, so why bother?

"Tenma!"

The sudden call has him looking up, brought back to the present.

Shindou has twisted around in his seat. He looks vaguely annoyed. "Finally. What's got you so distracted?"

Tenma blinks. "I'm sorry, senpai," he responds automatically, surprised by his own absentmindedness. He didn't expect to be so caught up in his daydreams with his entire team around him - the noise level in the bus is, as usual with them, high, and the air is filled with a familiar excitement at the prospect of a match, especially after so long.

"It's fine," the strategist sighs, a smile finally pulling at his lips that Tenma would almost call fond. "Just don't zone out all day, alright? We can't afford that when facing Arakumo Academy."

"Right," the captain agrees easily.

He expects that to be the end of it because Shindou is turning around in his seat again, leaving Tenma to his thoughts once more - but it isn’t.

"This is the second time you're distracted when we're playing against Arakumo," someone else drawls - Tsurugi, who's seated on the opposite side of the bus aisle, arms crossed and lounging in his chair like a king. "I'm starting to suspect a pattern."

Tenma, for lack of a better reaction, smiles and shrugs. He doesn't know what to say to that, because it's true.

Their last, and first, match against Arakumo wasn't his finest moment, he’ll readily admit.

Thankfully Tsurugi doesn't care much for his lack of reaction, focusing once more on the book he was reading. Tenma watches him for a moment, and then looks out of the window again.

He knows it's bound to get his mind wandering again, and he's not in the mood for another scolding, but there's not much else to do. Shinsuke next to him is playing a game on his phone, Hayami and Hamano in the row in front of him are discussing homework. Everyone else is either caught up in their own conversations or seated too far away to comfortably converse with.

Tenma starts tapping a mindless rhythm on his knee to keep himself in the present. He's restless. Hopefully the match will get him out of his head - he's not even sure why he's so distracted.

(That's a lie.)

He should be fine, right?

Everything's fine.

It all worked out.

School has started again after the summer holidays - of which he spent the first half in space. It still feels unreal to him, despite over a month having passed.

Not much else happened during the holidays. He'd caught a plane to Okinawa and stayed there pretty much until school started again, only returning to Tokyo a day and a half before. It had been nice to be back home, spending most of his time on the beach or exploring the familiar streets or practicing soccer by himself. He’s gotten sufficiently tanned, as well, and it was pretty funny to see Tsurugi’s annoyance at that once he got back.

This is their first match after the break - school's been in for only a week - and beneath the excitement, there's some nervous energy too. Arakumo is one of their most challenging opponents and they all know it.

At least it's only a friendly match instead of anything tournament-related, so the usual pressure of winning (especially when trying to lead a revolution against a deluded tyrant organization) is absent. Maybe, Tenma muses, that's why he's so distracted.

The fact that this is the first time he'll be playing against Taiyou since their argument doesn't exactly help. They've talked about it at length, and they've tentatively been texting and even hung out once over the summer, but there's a sense of discomfort that they're still trying to get past. Tenma, if only in his own mind, can admit he's worried about how any competitive interaction will affect them.

He doesn't want to lose Taiyou's friendship, but…

The brunet sighs and shakes his head. At this rate he's just going to keep on being distracted, and inevitably disappoint his team. He doesn't want to take that risk for their first match after such a long break.

Or, any match, really.

Especially not after-

Well.

After.

(He still cannot help but feel a bit jumpy, after all the arguments with Shindou during the Grand Celesta Galaxy, after Tsurugi’s kidnapping, after, after, after.

It had felt like he'd been on thin ice when he first joined the team, but that sensation had slowly but surely faded as he found his place.

Now, after, he hates that he's once more double-checking his every action. Hates that he's lost the sense of security in where he stands that had been near unshakable before the Grand Celesta Galaxy.)

Tenma is, once again, brought back to the present, this time because their bus is slowing to a stop. A glance out of the window tells him all he needs to know, and he hides a grimace.

Seems like they have arrived at Arakumo Academy.

------------

Raimon reaches their destination right on schedule, Shindou is glad to note. They'd left early so they'd have enough time to get ready and go over their strategy before the game starts, as they usually do, but Arakumo is a challenging enough opponent that any extra time is welcome.

They're guided over the campus in the direction of the soccer stadium and Shindou takes in the sights with mild interest. It's been a while since he's visited Arakumo - their previous match had been in one of Fifth Sector's stadiums. The prestigious academy hasn't changed much. It certainly lives up to its reputation, not quite as large as Teikoku's buildings, but nothing to look down on either. It's got a more serious appearance than Raimon, with red-toned walls and roofs with cloud patterns.

However, Raimon is here for a match, not to play tourist, and soon they find themselves in their assigned dressing room to get ready for the match. It's as the team is entering the room, getting ready to change out of their training suits, that a ringtone disrupts the usual chatter.

It's uncommon enough that Shindou finds himself glancing up, involuntarily raising his eyebrows as Tenma scrambles for his phone. He catches the captain's gaze and Tenma shoots him an apologetic look while he answers the call. “Hello?”

Shindou turns away and smiles at Kirino on his other side as he reaches for his bag, but despite his wish to give his captain some privacy, they’re right next to each other. It’s impossible not to overhear the one-sided conversation.

“I apologize, this isn't really the right time,” he hears Tenma say, sounding genuinely sorry and surprisingly formal. “I'm playing a match in-”

The brunet falls silent for several moments after the, assumed, interruption. Shindou unzips the jacket of his training suit and shrugs it off his shoulders. He's already wearing his uniform underneath the track suit, so he won't take long changing.

Next to him, Tenma starts talking again. “I understand, but I,” and falls silent yet again. Shindou frowns.

Something about the way his captain keeps on halting in the middle of his sentences seems a little odd. Shindou finds himself halting his movements, unable to keep himself from looking over at his young friend. It's not on purpose, but he's always believed in the worth of information, and something about the increasing tension in Tenma's voice raises his guard.

‘’Yes, I do understand, but is it really not possible?’’ The brunet in question is clutching his phone, lips pulled into a frown while his other hand holds on tightly to the edge of the bench. Whatever he's being told clearly affects him, and whatever reply he receives has his shoulders drooping visibly as he says, ‘’I know, but it was scheduled months ago…’’

It takes Shindou a second to classify the tone in Tenma's voice - not disappointed, but… resigned?

Whatever this conversation is that Tenma is now being forced to share with the entire team, it doesn't reassure Shindou in the slightest.

And it's clear he's not the only one. Although they're trying to hide it, the strategist notices several of his friends shooting worried glances at their captain, and the usual rambunctious chatter is muted. It’s by accident that Shindou and Tsurugi lock eyes over Tenma’s head, but it’s clear to both - they’re equally confused.

Tenma hasn’t hinted at any issue to either of them, and Shindou doesn’t quite know how to feel about that realization. He doesn’t mean to assume, but… well, as far as he knows, the brunet is an open book.

Especially to him and Tsurugi, or so Shindou had thought.

(Tenma respects him, he knows. It's clear the young brunet values his opinion, but he's also comfortable enough to approach Shindou with his issues and insecurities. To ask for help. To let himself be vulnerable.

Shindou appreciates that, could even say he's honored by the faith the brunet puts in him.

So to find out there's apparently something - a situation that seems to be the norm rather than the exception, based on Tenma's reaction - that has such an impact on the brunet, which he hasn't even hinted at towards Shindou nor Tsurugi…

Well, it throws him off more than he thought it would.)

The captain doesn't seem to have noticed the slowly increasing attention on him, too focused on whatever conversation he's having. One that's clearly not going well. “Are you certain?” he asks, sounding dull, and Shindou grimaces. That sounds very different from the Tenma he's used to, and it feels wrong.

‘’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to complain.’’

That is…

Shindou has to look away from Tenma then. He can’t stand the sight of him so muted, so wrong, and he gets the feeling he is intruding on something he has no right to know about.

Instead he exchanges a look with Kirino next to him, the defender appearing just as startled as the strategist imagines he himself looks.

‘’Alright. I understand.’’ The words are mumbles but where they would otherwise have gone unheard, now the team has become silent enough for it to be picked up. ‘’Right. Goodbye, then.”

Tenma hangs up and drops his phone carelessly in his bag. Then he sighs softly, staring at the ground for several seconds before getting to his feet with the intent to get changed.

Shindou debates saying something, thoroughly unsettled because he's seen Tenma worried, sad and even angry a few times, but this… this is somehow worse. Clearly upset about something and yet shrugging it off completely at the same time. He's got no idea how to handle this new side of his friend, and he doesn't like it one bit.

He doesn’t seem to be the only one doubting themselves, something hesitant in the air as the team waits - for what, Shindou can’t quite tell. For Tenma to explain? The captain doesn’t even seem to notice their focus on him as he pulls off his suit jacket, but the strategist can’t help but wonder if that’s really the case. Either the brunet is so lost in his own thoughts he doesn’t notice the unusual quiet in the changing room, or he’s pretending.

It’s Tsurugi who breaks first, and Shindou feels a little relieved. Whatever issue Tenma may be facing, his guess is that he'll most easily open up to either Shinsuke, Tsurugi, or Shindou himself. He's never asked for the details but he knows Tenma and Tsurugi share a lot - Tsurugi about his brother and his time as a Seed, and Tenma about his insecurities.

“What was that all about?” the striker mumbles from the brunet’s other side, a quiet offer to talk about it.

Tenma stills in the midst of securing the captain's band around his arm.

He doesn't even look at his best friend and there's a sudden, horrid feeling of dread in the pit of Shindou's stomach that he doesn't know the origin of.

“Nothing to concern yourself with,” Tenma says evenly, and that's it. He goes back to changing like nothing happened. Like his team didn't just watch him act more cautious and restrained than he did while they traveled to the future.

He hadn't even hesitated.

Hadn't even seemed to consider talking to his team - and sure, that might not be considered odd if it were anyone else, but this is Raimon. They are arguably closer than any other team, after everything they've faced together. It's their whole thing, their never ending support of each other and their strong bonds, the reason they've made it this far, and if there's anyone who enforces that stereotype, it's Tenma.

And yet he hadn't even spared Tsurugi a single glance as he'd answered.

Shindou doesn't know what to think.

With the sudden, painful, and most importantly unusual sense of awkwardness in the air, Raimon finishes getting changed. Coach Endou shows up not long after, as bright and enthusiastic as he always is, and at least that manages to lighten the mood a little. He repeats their strategy once more, supported by Haruna refreshing the most important data on the Arakumo team, and the boys listen intently to his advice until he dismisses them with a few minutes to spare.

There's chatter in the changing room again, the excitement at the prospect of a match against a team as challenging as Arakumo resurfacing, and yet Shindou still finds himself watching his captain.

The brunet doesn't join in on any conversations, lips thin and shoulders still a bit tense.

He approaches Aoi.

The girl looks up from where she's preparing towels for the boys for later, her smile fading the moment she catches sight of him in favor of a frown. “Are you okay?” she asks.

Tenma mutely shakes his head, eyes downcast.

Aoi reaches out for him, catching him by the shoulder. She seems worried, but there's something in the way she approaches the brunet that seems to speak of experience.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Tenma, finally, cracks a smile. “Later,” he tells her. “Wanna join Aki-nee and I for dinner?”

The girl immediately brightens, both at the offer and the prospect of supporting her childhood friend. “I'd love to. I'll let my parents know, do I need to text Aki-san for you?”

“Please.”

The whole interaction speaks of familiarity and care. Shindou, objectively, knew they were friends, childhood friends. Knew they live in the same neighborhood, knew they hang out together often.

Knowing is different from seeing.

The way Aoi had immediately seen something was up, the way she'd known exactly how to react. How Tenma talks to her so easily when he'd seemed painfully uncomfortable with the team, had, in fact, approached her himself because he wanted to talk. The easy invitation for dinner, something they're apparently both so used to that they hadn't even considered that either Aoi's parents or Tenma's guardian could have any problem with the sudden change of plans.

There's a trust there. A trust that, until ten minutes ago, Shindou had believed to extend to the rest of the team.

As the two first-years keep talking, Tenma smiling once more, the strategist is suddenly struck with the feeling he just intruded on something private yet again. He turns away sharply.

And catches Tsurugi's gaze once more.

Seems like he wasn't the only one keeping an eye on Raimon's wayward captain - and from the frown pulling at Tsurugi's lips, it's clear the striker recognized the same thing he did.

Tsurugi is far too good at masking his emotions, but for once Shindou can make out the confusion - and dare he say the hurt - in his eyes.

Though neither of them says a word, there's a quiet understanding between them.

For all that Tenma seems to depend on them, in the span of a single phone call it has become painfully clear that there’s a boundary that neither of them had been aware of before.

And Shindou can’t help but wonder why that doesn’t surprise him as much as he thought it would.

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Okay, so I tried to include Taiyou like you asked, but he didn’t want to be written. Neither did Raimon really realize they ‘messed up’, as you said, rather it’s a slow suspicion creeping up on them. This is sort of the start of the process in which Raimon realizes, ‘oh, wait, something isn’t exactly right here’.

That’s also because I’ve got some more things planned for them. Tenma has issues, but he’s also not the person to acknowledge them, or blame Raimon for their actions - but it still bothers him unconsciously and I’m hoping to build on that. Rather than outright telling Raimon, or even showing there’s a problem, he’d prefer to ignore his own feelings on the matter. He’s just not the type of person to keep grudges or blame others.

And then there's the rest of the team to consider - there's other people who still have opinions on what happened at the start of the year, but simply haven't brought it up while they were dealing with evil organizations and time traveling. Midori, for example, won't stay silent forever, and she's certainly no fan of how Tenma and Shinsuke were treated in the beginning.

Also, that phone call is actually important, but in the AR timeline is also something Tenma only faces during the third-year, AKA two years from this point in time. Very slow-going, basically, which is again why this drabble doesn't really solve anything.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed (despite the long wait, sorry about that)!

#inazuma eleven go #inazuma eleven #ie11 #ina11 #ie go #fanfic #accidental reverse #matsukaze tenma #tsurugi kyousuke #shindou takuto #sorano aoi #raimon

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inazuma-hq · 6 years ago

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Inazuma Showcase Spotlight: @marianttt

[tumblr] [twitter] Introduce yourself! Nice to meet you guys!! I’m Marianttt, a traditional and digital artist of this fandom. I also like to write some fan fictions but in Spanish, my native language, I grew up with Inazuma so I appreciate and love so much that series. How long have you been a fan? How did you discover Inazuma Eleven? I have been in the fandom 4 years. I knew it since I was 10 years old because my little brother used to watched Netflix. In that case, I always spent time with him while he was watching Inazuma, I used to think it was a ridiculous anime. I remember that when he was in the second season, Shirou appears, and i loved the character, we could say that he was the reason why I start to watch it so I decided to saw it completely, I felt in love with the development and the people on it. How has Inazuma impacted you since discovered the series? What does Inazuma mean to you? What has made you stick around? It impact me so much in my childhood, I know I’m still young but it’s impossible to me remember my days in primary school without Inazuma. For me, Inazuma means “no matter how big the challenge is, everything it’s possible if you believe that you can do it”.

Who are your favourite characters from Inazuma Eleven and why are they your favourites? Ina11: Fubuki Shirou: His story reminds me a lot, losing a brother, doubting yourself, were things that I had already lived. The chapters of its development will always be my favorites. Endou Mamoru: I love him, simply because seeing a chapter with his presence makes me happy the whole day, his smile before everything and his character is what I like most about him. Go: Tenma: Because he was a very positive protagonist, but he also had his sad moments. It seemed to me like Endou, just a more realistic version to the common perspective. I also love Shuu and Shindou. Ares: Asuto: Many will hate him but I think he is a very good protagonist, he is very animated and I would love see he as captain in Orion. I know he has not had much development, I'm dying because he has it soon. Besides the obsession he has for "being on top" causes me tenderness and grace. Any favourite pairings? OTPs, BROTPs? Goufubu, Endaki, Enkaze, Tsunatachi, Nagusuzu, Tatsumido, Asunori, Inahai Has there been any particular favourites moments within Inazuma Eleven so far? Why are they your favourites? The chapter when Shirou get over his past and accepts himself it will always be my favorite.

What do you hope to happen for the next 10 years of Inazuma? Anything on your Inazuma wishlist you hope to happen in the future? Whether it be in Orion or any future IE series? I love that the season of Orion was slower than ares, because for mi the plot and chapters goes without any detail, it’s like a forced thing. Honestly I want that the relations between the characters that already exists in old Inazuma will forged again, like gouenji and fubuki or kidou and fudou. Mention some awesome people, blogs or twitter accounts in the community: @leueny @moriirinn @r3ikacchan @cebollita_chan @piono_ahm2 @fu_0327 @_La_Corales @Sorachan1412 @relda_YT @shuuji-chan @Est_42 @_4noon @heroukeS2 @yana1008 @emypony @zafiro-satoshi @Meeboy_ @Toriko_Hana @_yaroze @xYumiShiroux @pokaridaaaaa Anything else you'd like to add! My English is very bad, I hope at least the writing is not so wrong. Thanks for letting me participate!! and sakka yarouze!! ⚡💙

Thank you for taking part in the showcase Marianttt! If you’d like to take part in the Inazuma Showcase Spotlight event, please follow the details in this post here!

#inazuma eleven #inazuma showcase spotlight #Marianttt

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thelightningawardsofficial · 6 years ago

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Review | IE: Take Over

Judged by Shawn (Snowwhitewolf09)

Category: I’m Not A Mary Sue

[ Author: ZackHunter]

>Title (3/5): Alright, let's start off with the title. By no means is it a bad title; the title of your story is straight to the point and that has its strong points. Right off the bat, the fact that it's something related to Inazuma Eleven is gotten out of the way. And the latter part of the title has its relevance shown early on. However, it doesn't particularly strike me. It was as if I had a product that was a hamburger with a new type of cheese, and advertised it as 'the (insert cheese name) burger'. Sure, it got straight to the point and told what was needed, but it was simply that. Not leaving enough to the imagination or giving a sense of enigma in the mind. If I was skimming through books, I would have skipped yours because it sounds awfully basic and plain, and not in a way that made me think. Again, it does its job. But a lot about it could be improved.

>Summary (7/10): Just like the title, you give basic information from the first moment of reading. I like how you immediately raise up a big turning point from the canon we know—building up intrigue—then working on that intrigue by giving these mysterious details, such as The Founders and the Utopia. The final paragraph ends with an eerie, occult statement that gives a sense of jitters. But your writing here sort of broke the build up and flow at times. The way that the Football Frontier International was described was ominous, but it seemed to be chopped up, not a flowing paragraph—this lessened the effect of the build-up, though it did not completely abolish it. The second paragraph does not suffer as much, though I believe that there's a way to polish it. Finally, the transition could have been more natural, instead of the skull emojis. One point taken away for the transition, two for the writing and build-up problems. It can easily be fixed by reading it over another time, this time trying to get how the feelings of dread increase with each grim sentence. It might lengthen the summary a little, but I know you'll manage it. Just polish it up a bit, and you're all dandy.

>Plot (20/25) -> (15.2/20): I was quite lenient here, since the story's just at about half a dozen chapters (As of the time of this critique) and it would be unfair to criticise your plot so much without seeing how far it'll go and what spins it'll take. The trend of being straightforward continues here, and you immediately toss people into the problem—sort of. The first chapter gives us a look at one of our OC leads, and at the end, we bump into the mysterious Pandora's Box in the Suicide Forest. And in the first five chapters, we immediately find out who the 'antagonists' are, as well as the mission for the main characters: they must get back the bodies of the five Inazuma Japan members from The Founders. Obstacles are immediately presented. The owner of Gouenji's body isn't really a 'bad guy', and possibly the rest of The Founders. Our Inazuma Japan players don't have bodies to move around and interact with, so they cannot really do anything about it. In this world of 2150, the Utopia have already taken control—how is Endou, his friends and his willing hosts going to talk to the Founders peronally? We also get to the resolution of that. Since one of the OC leads is going to personally have a dinner, the opportunity has presented itself. Do you see the problem? It's quite fast. In one chapter, Endou nearly beat up a guy, and in the next, the body he was possessing had a fervent desire to help. It was as if they had been friends for years, though there was little to no reason for any of them to be helping these guys. We aren't even sure if they play football yet—where had this desire come from? We had just come from a suicide attempt, and now the group are going to try and get back the bodies of the InaJapan players. It was waved off quickly—perhaps some time did pass, but it was unreasonably quick and it made those arbitrary. Ryosei's actions and tendencies were easily waved and Gouenji's feelings were pointless because of the off-pacing that made it seem like everything was just happening. There was hardly any time to get invested into some moments, because the chapters start off with some sort of off-track moment, then cram in some sort important plot detail at the end. This would be more reasonable if there were more events between the beginning and the end, but the chapters are too short to make it comfortable. It makes the work seem rushed. Of course, there are many good points. I like the Utopia and the Founders, and other elements such as the culture of their time and the diversions from canon. It's a little brutal, but we see a strange world built upon that singular change. I'm a little off-put by the number of spiritual matters, but that can generally be waived, as it is an interesting concept to explore.

Your pacing needs a little work, and a little more details to make it seem more reasonable. And there were a few avenues that I saw could be explored, instead of the path you chose to take—such as having them possess some random people instead and become the dominant ones in those bodies instead of the current form of possession shown in the story, which would force them to sort of live the lives of those they have possessed and gives them a way to experience the 'future'. Anyway, with the current way that the plot is going, I'm not sure about who the antagonist is—and I find that good. They may be clearly the ones who stole the bodies, but whether they are evil or not seems to be a question that may be unanswered for some time. But if the pacing's still this way, then that answer might come too soon.

>Characterisation (13/20) -> (9/15): Let me start with the positives. Your OC's are an intriguing pair, and they play off quite well. You have a suicidal individual, and someone who's going to become a soldier. I also understand that Endou, being surprised, would bust out like that. But the thing is, you lack consistency. I know what they're supposed to be like—you describe their souls yourself—but they do not show that. Endou was incredibly grim at some portions and Gouenji was incredibly rash despite being called a calm and stern person, just to name a few—because so far, even your main characters seem to be coming in and out of moods and auras. They're balls of soul, you say, but they had qualities to them that you yourself gave. I was actually expecting them to be 'too much' of those characteristics since they don't have a proper body and mind, but oh well. And just like I've mentioned before, Ryosei seemingly had a fervent desire to help, though he is supposed to be the 'edgier' of the two (Is it Endou?). He also seemed quite martyr-like even before being possessed by Endou, so there're some inconsistencies. He's too fine in some portions despite being utterly suicidal moments before. Reread, and you'll see what I mean.

Your side characters are cardboard cut-outs. By that, I mean they seem to just be there—the teacher and Dean gave practically no emotion in their words. It may have seemed a little sympathetic, but they seemed too robotic, with only the word choice being slightly concerned. They don't necessarily need to change, but hopefully you don't let that sort of flatness appear so often. With the choice of words and pacing, the personalities of these people seem to be blurred, glossed over, or indistinguishable from others. I suggest working on rewriting their words, lengthening their 'character-defining moments' a bit and changing their tones a little, in order to separate them while reading. Because I got lost a few times while reading the dialogue. Try to make them more distinct, more memorable—with a cast that involves so many characters, you'll need to find a way to keep these five from outshining the main characters too much through their familiarity; though the method of making their characteristics less prominent is not particularly effective. A little bit of fleshing out of the characters a little more, with some longer moments of each of them to shine. Stronger emphasis on our main characters with introspective moments and consistency. You have the elements for greatness laid out, they just don't reach the point to make them all effective.

The other (I think) important characters are not yet so prominent, so not much to say about them. But the Founders do hold a sense of mysteriousness to them, and though they may be the antagonists, they don't act as such. I do wonder how they still are alive.

>Grammar and Writing Style (11/15): Your grammar and writing style are decent. However, I don't find either to be 'great' or particularly appealing. It does fulfil its purpose and relays whatever is happening at a time in easy-to-read paragraphs. There are a few mistakes, such as superfluous commas and a few sentences that require a little bit of work, as well as some tense mistakes, but no major flaws that I can point out in that department. Some sentences could also be worded better, but overall these problems don't remove the readability and understanding of the work. Your choice of emphasising dialogue is what I think one of the elements of your work so far that doesn't appeal so much to me. With the descriptive portions not giving me enough of the character portrayals, I had hoped to see more in the dialogues. However, as I've stated before, they tend to be a little bit bland. Honestly, I think most of the problems with your work when it comes to characterisation really just stems from the writing, and should it be tweaked to allow better displays of personality, the work would be a lot better. Also, I think the (Character name)!(Character name) method you use to show a possessed character is a little unpleasing to the eyes, though I understand that it is a way to state that it isn't the characters themselves. I think that if the situation had been different, it wouldn't be needed, though for this work's circumstances, I can say that not many other options exist.

>Originality (10/10) -> (5/5): I'm not sure if I really need to elaborate, but I will. I haven't seen this concept in IE before, at least with specifications close to these—it's like Megaman Zero with a bit of a paranormal twist added in. The idea's something I look forward to really seeing bloom, so I hope you keep the surprises coming in. Though I don't think you really need to work on the ideas too much—just the presentation of these ideas.

>Feels Factor (8/15): I feel like I've sufficiently explained it in the other portions. The style of writing and weak characterisation didn't bring out much sense of attachment, or any other feeling really. I think that the suicide scene should have made readers a little bit on the edge, but I wasn't quite gripped by it. Some dialogue was bland, and certain moments felt too dull to bring out the emotions and feelings they are supposed to stimulate. What is good though, is that you are great at creating intrigue with every chapter. You tend to introduce some things that make me want to learn more about. Though again, some of the revelations that could have been saved for later times were shown early—like the reason for their entrapment and the events leading to the 'Bloody Soccer Frontier'.

🅞🅒 🅡🅔🅥🅘🅔🅦 -> [ ➊⓿.➎/➊➎}

Name (3/5): I'm not really sure how his name fits the character given the fact that Nashio doesn't come up in my searches for names (Nashio could be broken down to 'na' and 'shio', which could mean 'seven opportunities', 'seven tides', 'fame opportunities', and 'title salt'. Or it could be derived from 'nashioeru', which is 'to accomplish'.) and Masahiro doesn't exactly form a good combination with it because I've little idea what you wanted to do with the Nashio name. However, the use of Masahiro ('Elegant rope', 'Broad-minded government, 'Sage', 'Superior elegance' or 'Graceful ocean'.), a rather simple name that doesn't sound too out-there that fits Masahiro's role as his brother's sense of not-dying gives the name merit.

Appearance (6/8): With the image provided and the few descriptions in the text, it's easy to figure out how Nashio looks like. However, the character seems to be a little plain. There's not much problem but it would be a little more interesting if there was a certain feature that makes him stand out in a crowd.

Personality (5/10): Right. I'm not really sure what's his supposed to be like. The first few lines depict him as an individual who is rather lively. He had a sense of youthful cheer despite being like an older brother. Then his mood takes a complete turn, suicidal at the thought of "ruining all of his loved ones' lives". Considering that Nashio was portrayed just earlier as someone who had to constantly stop his brother from committing suicide, it strikes me as odd that he would so quickly jump to that. Aside from patches of seemingly contradicting actions and traits, there are also times when his replies are a tad cardboard. He doesn't have much differences in tone from other characters at times, so it's not exactly easy to differentiate them from one another when they talk. Points for a consistent show of idolisation, love for family, and brotherly affection. He plays off Yamashita interestingly, when they're both portrayed well. Otherwise, they're a bit flat.

Strengths & Weaknesses (9/12): Two things that stand out with Masahiro is his extremely evident desire to protect his family and his idolisation of the Founders. These two fuel the bravery in Masahiro, and I can see that this will be tested. They are both his strengths and weaknesses as an individual, and the later chapters will probably make him choose between the two. However, that's all I've got. He has skills that haven't been entirely evident or relevant yet, such as whatever had gotten him to the top spot, and not enough focus to really bring out those. You switch POV's every now and then, so we don't always have Masahiro being tested. It's understandable since things are just starting out, of course. As such, not many points will be deducted. I hope you do bring more of Masahiro's talents to the story. Plus points for showing how much his family meant to him—he was about to commit suicide, which is over the top, but shows much of the impact of his family on him.

Interaction With Canon (9/10): It happens into the far future, so there's not much problem when it comes to the canon (Save for Go, but it's an AU). The sudden change of events during the finals of he FFI is extreme, almost unreasonably so even when considering the weirdness of the series, but that doesn't pull too much on the score.

Relationships With Canon Characters (3/5): Honestly, I don't see much problem with this category. Mostly because the interactions aren't telling much yet, and they seem to be just oddly fine. Perhaps if the personalities were tweaked a bit and some events push them to, Masahiro will be able to make some interesting interactions. I do like his tandem with Gouenji, though I think they can be improved on.

Total: [Raw] 35/100 + 35/50 [Scaled] 68.7%

Banner by -artxyuki

#review #fourth critique #ie:take over #I'm not a mary sue #gouenji shuuya #endou mamoru #kidou yuuto #alternate universe #gore #fantasy #oc fic #The Lightning Award S3 #original character #inazuma eleven

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tachimuquet · 3 years ago

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Valiant Soul Extended Cut - Inazuma Caravan Arc

On February 21st, I posted the 10th chapter of my ongoing fic, Valiant Soul, which put an end to the story’s first major arc: the Inazuma Caravan Arc, or, simply put, Inazuma Eleven episodes 43 to 65 but with less soccer and more fancy metaphors on soccer. Almost an entire year later and most of the next arc already posted, I’m posting this anecdote post.

Not that many people have read it (19 kudos on AO3, which is still a lot more than I ever expected), so I don’t expect many people to care (not that the concept of a multi-chapter, canon rewrite-ish Tachimukai character study that goes into way too much speculation was ever going to be a golden egg hen), but oh well, I figured it may be interesting to at least one person. Of course, since those are notes on a currently published (and hopefully updating) fic, there are gonna be spoilers for whatever happened that wasn’t in the actual anime, so reader discretion is advised.

Warning for mentions of child abandonment and, idk, soccer terrorism I guess. You know, the good Inazuma Eleven 2-patended stuff.

HOW VALIANT SOUL CAME TO BE

To explain Valiant Soul, I first need to explain Brave Soul. You probably didn’t see it because I don’t usually say anything about it, but BraSou is the name of the fic series ValSoul is a part of - because ValSoul used to be called “Brave Soul”. In fact, before I decided to go for the structure that the series is going to have, I first planned it to be a big-ass oneshot that’d have gone from the birth of the centric character to a point where the series will actually never reach, which was said character making his own family.

The thing is, I quickly realized I’d never be able to finish such a oneshot in my lifetime and that’d I’d have to sacrifice a lot of things I’d have wanted to speak about. What confirmed this to me was when I started writing what became the third chapter, “The Weakest Link”, and found it too fun to skip over matches like I did for the Yokato VS Raimon and Raimon VS The Genesis matches in chapter 2. Thus was born the idea to split what’d have been a character study oneshot into a couple fics, and the series’ name? “Brave Soul”.

Valiant Soul was almost called “Brave Soul”, though. My first reasoning was to give the series another name, but BraSou had stuck as a placeholder for so long that it just wasn’t a placeholder anymore. The name ValSoul being so close to it is a leftover of this reasoning.

Now, why write an entire series about one character that even the writers didn’t really give two craps about? I mentioned it before on the notes of another fic (one of my rare non-original work 0-kudos fic, btw; all of the others are Corpse Party oneshots I never bothered to translate from French), but if there was one character I’d almost unironically call my kinning character, it’d be Tachimukai. I’ve mentioned in my A/N having spent what surely must be way too much time speculating on very small details and, back in late 2018/early 2019, when I started writing the experimental oneshot which’d become ValSoul, I just had the urge to write my headcanons and proposed alternatives to canon, all motivated by a couple things I’d noticed during seasons 2 and 3. I felt pretty gucci writing this, and figured if not me, then no one else would, and thus was born ValSoul.

Now onto more specific notes, by chapters, because that’s probably why you’re here.

CHAPTER 1 - GOLDEN YOUTH

Just so you know, this chapter is supposed to be its own sub-arc, since it only barely relates to the actual series and events of the first arc.

This chapter was, obviously, the very first thing I wrote and it shows: most of the elements introduced in it (such as the missing parents and the deal around the name Yuuki) were always supposed to be for much later back when the story was meant to be an experimental oneshot. That explains the weird POV too, since this is the only chapter where you probably couldn’t tell with whose POV I was going for. Fret not: I’ve still got no idea either.

When I started writing this, in late 2018-ish, my Japanese geography was so awful I thought Fukuoka was an island to itself (it’s not), mostly because 1. I had done no research 2. the IE2 overworld map somehow got me confused 3. Kyushu is a thing and I somehow didn’t know.

Ironically, when I wrote and edited this chapter, I had no idea in mind for the good ol’ parents, aside from the fact they were probably workaholic jackasses who forgot to use protection one night. Now, I do have a clear picture of them (who’ve I’m previously sold as “Derek Stiles from Trauma Center’s aunt from his maternal side who is just as bad at parenting as his own mom and her stuck-up unmarried husband”; but hey, to understand this, you’ll probably have to read another fic of mine, Unrelated Relatives), and it can be seen in a story for another series of mine (Take Flight, Clipped Wings). Both can be found on my AO3, I can’t link them here because Tumblr will beat me up if I do.

Chihiro, the friend mentioned in the narration, was no more than an afterthought, but he’s becoming his own character since I do need to have a dormmate buddy for the next arcs to come.

Yes, I somehow forgot Endou Daisuke was from Fukuoka and not from Inazuma back then. If I had remembered, I’d have probably put more emphasis on the legendary status that guy must have in Yokato.

CHAPTER 2 - (UN)ORDINARY LIFE AT YOKATO JUNIOR HIGH

The title is a kind-of reference to Danganronpa. There, I said it.

For something that’s supposed to be oh so important to Tachimukai’s character, canon never spent much time developing why he admired Endou to the point of switching positions, so of course I had to do it myself (a recurring theme with ValSoul and, well, my Inazuma writing in general). Back during the original writing of ValSoul (circa 2018-2019), the story was supposed to be much more expeditive and that’s why I never bothered developing much of it either... I should’ve, in retrospect, because that’d have helped me a lot for future chapters. I’ve been slowly trying to patch this up whenever I get the chance.

Originally, the first part of this chapter was meant to be with Chapter 1 and the rest was meant to be Chapter 2; but said second part was too weak to stand on its own imo and I really didn’t see myself writing in great details three curb-stomp battles. Raimon VS Yokato is a boring match all things considered (haha majin the hand go brrr), Yokato VS Genesis is literally pitting a Lv1 Magikarp against a top-level Smogon Uber player and Raimon VS Genesis is, y’know, what it is.

Yes, Yokato VS Genesis is a game-cutscene-only match, and that’s probably the most you’re going to see from the game sipping into ValSoul events. It’s no secret that I know jack shit about the games aside from passive things and their file structure so... don’t expect much else. I just felt like it fit into my narrative.

CHAPTER 3 - THE WEAKEST LINK

I know Yokato is supposed to be made out of Endou and not Raimon fans, but it felt a little... off to me. It made more sense for them to support the entire team rather than just their captain. Helps balancing out the Endou macrocephism that franchise has.

I expected to write more about Raimon VS Oumihara because it’s legit my favorite match of all Inazuma with Raimon VS The Genesis, but truth be told, there isn’t much to be said about it from the perspective of a swamped midfielder. Writing a fish out of the water is always a fun thing to do, though.

The title is a sly reference to a TV show I used to see a lot when I was younger of the same name... but in its French version. Ask anyone my age in this country what they thought of “Le Maillon Faible”, they’ll have funny answers to give you.

I’m still surprised I didn’t lie emphasis on the “Everyone runs too fast, too much for him to keep up without losing his breath.” part, since back in 2014 when I started the speculations that lead up to the fic’s birth, it was one of the points I tried way too hard to explain. I’d be glad to explain it but... it’s a little too embarrassing to talk about, to be honest, haha.

The matches against Epsilon Kai and Diamond Dust (especially the former), while super important to the show’s structure, were far less important to what I wanted to say, since it’d have all been said in the Raimon VS Oumihara part anyway. As I said: fish out of the water. It was fun to rediscover the scene at the end of episode 52 where Gouenji gets to show off his new and stronger Fire Tornado, though.

I’m also disappointed in myself that I never lay emphasis on that makeshift goalkeeper outfit either, it’s so cute. I remember my younger self being frustrated at its existence, but my 2021 (generally chiller) self is feeling tempted to draw it.

I somehow never caught that Raimon only gets back to Inazuma after the change in their formation, not after the Epsilon Kai match. To be fair, I didn’t even rewatch the match against Diamond Dust for this chapter, I just looked at the collection of screenshots I had courtesy of Inazuma Perfect Pics on Twitter.

CHAPTER 4 - RIPPLES IN THE ENDLESS SEA

I wonder if ValSoul readers are aware of my track record or if they just took interest in this one story, but anyone who knows me has to have guesed this chapter had an ulterior motive for literally years from now. (In actuality, I preferred to have Haruna as a preeminent character before the equivalent of episode 89 so it felt less like the writers realizing they could have a nice dynamic for ship teasing purposes and more like actually trying to build a cool dynamic).

Writing the weird practice match from episode 56 was one of my favorite parts of this arc because it’s such a weird moment and it’s filled to the brim with BROTP energy. The anime writers knew they had something magic on their hands when they decided Tsunami and Tachimukai needed to interact.

still why is nobody concerned for the 13-year-old child who can see double that doesn’t sound healthy

CHAPTER 5 - FOUL FEELINGS

As I mentioned in the notes for this chapter, I was originally planning on having it be much saltier, especially compared to canon. I don’t think I’ve ever stated why explicitely, though, and my reasoning can be summarized to “oh, so it’s okay for your goalkeeper to tank 10 shots, but when your captain takes a hit to the head, you’re suddenly worried and get better at soccer?”. While I still believe Raimon’s lack of reaction before Endou used Megaton Head is sus, I had to take into account scenes I hadn’t thought much about and one of Touko’s lines (you know the one, the “won’t last much longer” one), and that made me go softer.

The title for this chapter actually originates from the saltier perspective that got cut during the writing of the chapter, but since it still fit with Chaos and that I found it too cool-sounding to scrap it, it stayed.

CHAPTER 6 - REACHING FOR THE STARS

Introducing elements for future fics is always one of my guilty pleasures and that’s what happened with the mention of Tsunami’s siblings in this chapter. It was also a way for me to very unsubtly tell you this fic is never going to be romantic TsunaTachi in case you don’t know the other side of my (very) specific Inazuma fanfic brand.

I’ll admit, playing a bit with the fact I introduced the Yokato VS Genesis match in this story for this chapter was pretty fun, however short it was. The theme of “these middle schoolers surely are traumatized by what they saw and lived through” starts here I wanna say.

The focus on the fact Raimon replied with a plural to Gran’s taunt about Tachimukai being a terrible goalkeeper was something I was hesitant at first - after all, maybe the subs I watched mistranslated it! However, considering this line is a plural too in at least three other dubs (for reference: English, Spanish and French, the three European dub languages I can understand), I had to cave in: Endou is just that laser-focused on his fallen friends.

CHAPTER 7 - THE COLOUR OF DESPAIR

The original title for this chapter (as you may remember it being named differently for a couple hours) was “Purple-Tinted Despair”, but i quickly changed it because I found it too on the nose.

This match was the occasion for me to solve a question I’ve never been able to find an answer to: “what the hell is that hand injury? is it just the one hand, both, or the wrist is also injured?”. You can have guessed I’ve been frustrated by not knowing (and canon just deciding it didn’t exist anymore by the end of the episode; yo canon even Captain Tsubasa doesn’t pull off that shit) I decided to go for all three, because I’m extra like that, and because there is one shot in episode 65 where it looks more like Tachi’s holding his wrist rather than his hand. To this day I still have no definitive answer to what that injury was exactly. I hate the funky soccer anime for making me look more like a maniac than I usually do.

My biggest motivation for this chapter was having Mugen the Hand reach G5 during the DE match. I’ve alway been uselessly frustrated at it only reaching it against South Korea. It’s an element I had spent so much time thinking about before VS was a thing that I knew I had to include it and tell canon to fuck off for once.

CHAPTER 8 - WATERED-DOWN AFTERMATH

An issue I’ve come to know during my years on AO3 is how thinking in another language can bite you in the ass. This chapter’s title was such a case: I discovered, to my dismay, that the French édulcoré actually didn’t have a direct translation into English and had to settle with what was the closest to what I wanted to convey.

The scene in the infirmary was a sort of rewrite of a previous fic of mine, Burning on the Inside, Burning on the Outside, where a similar conversation took place (but with more broken English). It’s quite old since it dates back to 2018 and it was the first Inazuma fic I was properly posting in English online; it’s insane to think there had to have been a first! Also, you may’ve been able to tell thanks to the characters in this scene, but it was a HaruTachi fic.

CHAPTER 9 - SUNSET IN FUKUOKA

I’m pretty sure I subconsciously associate Fukuoka to the sunset because its game incarnation just reminds me so much of Twilight Town from Kingdom Hearts 2.

Writing Yokato Eleven is always a little weird, but exciting. We know jack shit about these guys, so I got to get a little creative and imagine their personalities on what little we see of them in the anime (and a wittle of the games). That may be why I now have a fully-fledged Toda for my fics...

CHAPTER 10 - SUMMER LONELINESS SYNDROME

I made the mistake of planning this entire chapter’s gimmick -- discovering a summer of loneliness (duh) -- before rewatching the first episodes of season 3 and that, of course, bit me in the ass. Season 3 starts 3 months after the end of the Aliea arc, but I thought it happened later than that, and got bamboozled. Not a good look on my planning abilities... not that I’ve ever had any.

DISCARDED CONCEPTS

For a moment, I considered making the entire Fukuoka arc the one from the game or, at least, have Kazemaru leave that way instead of the anime’s... but then I remembered my crippling addiction to the scene in episode 46 when Majin the Hand Kai gets completed and I threw that out of the window.

#valiant soul #writing tag #valiant soul extended cut

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thelightningawardsofficial · 5 years ago

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Review | Weapon or Game: The Comeback

Judged by Amy (daedaliaaan)

Category: I'm Not A Mary Sue

[ Author: JanaTale ]

Title (2/5): The title of your book is rather simple, but I fail to see its correlation with the plot. Especially since the summary doesn't exactly give both direct or indirect clues regarding the plot relates to a 'Weapon'. I also fail to see what part of the story refers to 'The Comeback', considering that this is the first book where the whole plot is being introduced from this point. When I first stumbled upon your book, 'The Comeback' gave me the idea that there has been a great story previous to this book and this is a continuation of sorts. This initial confusion leads me to suggest that naming a book 'The Comeback' might me bore suitable for a sequel rather than the first of a trilogy.

Summary (5/10): First, I will assess your use of language within the summary. There are noticeable mistakes in punctuation, especially in the use of commas. You have the habit of adding commas before the word 'and' in sentences that are not listing objects or have the need to link two independent clauses together. The sentence 'Jane Wolf is a student at Royal Academy, and was never like the other girls at her school' is as example for an unnecessary use of a comma before 'and'. This can easily be a single sentence without the comma and would sound better and have a more clear meaning. 'David, and Joe' can simply be 'David and Joe'. There are other multiple unnecessary usage of commas that I suggest you take another look at and review the punctuation mistakes. Aside punctuation mistakes, there are a few inconsistencies of past and present tenses. The mistakes are very few to the point that it could go unnoticed by average readers, however it is always good to have a consistent use of tense when writing to avoid confusion.

There is also a lack of variety in sentences – most of your sentences are very long when it could be broken down into separate sentences. This is also mostly due to the excessive use of commas within your sentences. I do think that having long sentences does create a certain professional feel to it which a lot of writers tends to want to put into their summary, but in this case, a variety of sentences would actually be able to create more intrigue for readers. Shorter sentences can be used to create a sense of mystery and suspense which can help build a sense of curiosity for your readers.

The last assessment will be the content of your summary. Your summary follows a nice structure of the intro-body-outro of the entirety of your plot. I think your plot has been nicely explained in your summary without spoiling too much of it. I don't have much to say about the content of your summary, honestly. Overall, it's very important for the summary to be well written because it is what gives the readers the first impression of your story. A summary with good content but poorly written in terms of structure can discourage readers from viewing your story.

Plot (10/25): I will be honest with you – your plot doesn't strike me as intriguing. When I read your summary beforehand, I was slightly interested with how the story will occur, but upon reading the next few chapters I was slightly disappointed. There were certain parts in many chapters that were quite predictable – such as Xavier's sudden attraction to Jane which contradicts his purpose of watching her and Jane's defeat when she was playing for Royal Academy – which made the story less interesting in terms of building the feeling of anticipation of what comes next for the readers.

I wasn't able to quite grasp the core plot of the story being Jane and her relation to soccer because of the multiple romantic aspects that were consistently evident in almost every single chapter. I do understand that romance is a big part of your story, but I have to say diving into more and more chapters made me lose touch with what really is going on. The romance was pushed in quite early into the story with no in-depth conflicts before it. It seemed too sudden for me to read how Gazel, Torch and Xavier instantly took a liking to her so early on into the story. I personally felt that you had emphasized more towards the romance rather than other external conflicts which made the story less engrossing, because a good romance must be built upon several other external conflicts for it to make sense.

Characterization (7/20): Jane Wolf is a good character in theory (when based on the book's summary) but the written portrayal of her character was not as good as I expected. Throughout reading the chapters, Jane felt a little bland. She is written as the typical general female protagonist – the general kindness and beauty that attracts many guys to her – similar to a Mary Sue. She doesn't seem to have a strong conviction as she claims to be, as shown in how she is said to reject being in teams due to her obsession over perfecting her soccer skills yet joins a team the second she is invited. Her obsession over her soccer skills wasn't clearly shown in the story despite being mentioned in the summary.

Also, seeing that Gazel and Torch are one of the most written about characters in the story, I noticed how their characters were not portrayed as much except for their rivalry in both soccer and their love for Jane. The way these two characters were written seems to me as if their characterization was made to support the protagonist's story by changing their original personality into something slightly foreign.

Grammar and Writing Style (6/15): As an author, it is very important to pay careful attention to grammar and writing style. Any story plot can become something amazing and worth reading, but without the ability to present it well though words, readers wouldn't be able to understand the story entirely. I have noticed that you have the tendency to pile a lot of sentences into a long paragraphs rather than breaking them apart into small paragraphs that will help ease the reading process. Dialogues are combined into one paragraph that makes it difficult to separate the context of the dialogue with the occurring scene. It is highly recommended for dialogues to be separated using a new line or new paragraph so it can identify the different speakers. If multiple dialogues are being performed by one speaker, then it is alright to make it into a single, long paragraph.

One grammatical error that you have consistently made throughout the whole book is the use of your and you're. This is a mistake often made by many authors, native and non-native English speakers, but it is important to note its difference because each word holds a significant meaning. You tend to use your to say you are, instead of using you're. Do keep in mind that the word your is used to show possession of an object by someone (for instance, your cake, meaning you own the cake), while you're is simply short for you are (for instance, you're welcome or you're beautiful). Aside this certain grammatical error, please take care with your spellings. I have spotted many misspellings in many chapters such as the word 'whole' written as 'hole', and 'venom' as 'venim'. These misspellings disrupts the flow of the story and may confuse readers, as some words when misspelled can mean a whole different thing and may change the context of a sentence.

My next point will be your writing style. In your writing, you still tend to 'tell' rather than 'show'. A good author must be able to maintain a good amount of 'telling' a story as well as 'showing' a story. Both are different in terms of how it is presented in one's writing style, but too much of one can lead a story into becoming too confusing to understand or too predictable and lacking intrigue. I suggest you improve on your ability to show what is happening rather than telling it as it can help improve your story to make it seem more interesting and captivating for readers. This can be done by describing certain places and scenes using various adjectives and verbs to explain the vibe or what is happening, rather than explicitly stating where they are. Using a first person narrative is good to present the story in a more personal way, however too much shifts in POVs can become excessive to the point that it becomes confusing to keep up with and distracting since a single occurrence will be shown in various different ways. All comments aside, I do admire and appreciate the hard work and effort you have put into completing this story! You are full of ideas, and I encourage you to continue writing and thus develop and improve your style.

Originality (5/10): This concept has often been used in many of this fandom's fanfictions – where the main female protagonist is sort of ostracized by a majority of people of her school due to her love for soccer save for her best friends. The idea of being in a love triangle with the rivalling characters is also a famous trope amongst many stories, so I can't say that your story plot is original. However, I do like the idea of her obsession with perfecting herself before joining a soccer team which is unlike many that I've read. That specific part is rather refreshing to read.

Feels Factor (5/15): Due to the writing style of your story, unfortunately it became difficult for me to immerse myself with the flow of the story and empathize with the plot. There were certain parts of the story that managed to gain my interest for short moments. I believe that you can further improve your storytelling ability with more practice and care, so do keep up the hard work!

🅞🅒 🅡🅔🅥🅘🅔🅦 -> [ ➐.➎/➊➎]

Name (5/5): Jane Wolf is a simple and memorable name that isn’t repeated by the canon character’s dub name while still sounding plausible as a name of an Inazuma Eleven character.

Appearance (5/8): There’s not much description of Jane’s appearance throughout the story, so it is quite difficult to imagine how she looks. It leads me to believe that her uniqueness comes from her personality rather than her looks, which is far more interesting than having a special physical feature.

Personality (5/10): As I said in my review of the overall book, Jane World strikes me as a good character in theory. But reading further into each chapter, Jane reveals herself as quite the fickle character, often her actions seemingly contradicting with what she claims to be. Although this may be due to a lack of descriptive characterization of Jane throughout the story. For example, her being a perfectionist and obsession over soccer skills is something she claims to be but isn’t highlighted in her thoughts, speech and action, seemingly easily persuaded to act otherwise by other characters. Jane would need to express more conviction she claims to have and avoid the risk of becoming a Mary-Sue. But she does display determination in honing her soccer skills, translated in her confidence in determining what her goals are.

Strength and Weaknesses (7/12): Jane’s strength and weakness lies in her being emotionally-driven. She fuels herself on her frustration and pride as a soccer player to drive her will to win, but she is easily swayed into romance upon meeting Gazel and Torch. I find it odd how friendly but distanced she can be with other characters but upon first meeting, is on the way to being head over heels for Gazel and Torch. Although she has a strong drive and commitment to improve and reach her goal, it is not often portrayed in the story. I do hope you portray more of her strong side in regards to soccer, highlighting her need for perfection and stubbornness to win.

Interaction with Canon (6/10): The book follows several canon events, inclusive of Jane’s presence as well. Admittedly, I had slight trouble recognizing whether an event in the book matched a specific arc in the anime plot. Jane’s role in the plot doesn’t hinder the canon flow of the story, merely inserting herself as one of the driving forces of the plot, although there were certain parts where the overlap was confusing and unclear for me to follow along and determine whether it had changed the canon plot or not.

Relationships with Canon Characters (3/5): While Jane interacts with many canon characters, her relationships are the most prominent with Gazel, Torch and Xavier. Their dynamic reflects that of the typical love square, in which Jane becomes additional fuel to Gazel and Torch’s rivalry, with the addition of Xavier which adds further tension between the three boys, while she herself struggles to choose one of them. Each of the boys’ interaction with Jane often changes their entire behaviour to one that works in Jane’s favor and leads Jane to lose her sense of conviction when it comes to them. The story then loses track of its focus on Jane’s self-discovery in soccer and becomes a Mary-Sue romance story. They all become dependent on each other in their interaction. I would like to see more of Jane in a way that develops her character by herself through soccer asides the drama of romance, so keep up the writing!

[Raw] 40/100 + 25/50 [Scaled] 33.75/100 + 7.5/15 [Total] 41.25%

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#review #i'm not a mary sue #oc fic #romance #original character #inazuma eleven #dub names #jana wolf #torch #gazelle #raimon #xavier #action

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