#mentally preparing myself because summer is ending

[violentdelightsandviolentends]

sorry i’ve been quiet these last couple of weeks!! august has been a weird one (for a lot of people i think. nothing particularly wrong, just felt a little… off?). but i’m still here, promise <3

I have a new triple frontier boys x reader fic half written, about 1.5k words of clandestine part four done, and I have honey girl chapter 12 all planned, it just needs to be written.

if anyone needs me, i’m here!! inbox always open, for questions and queries or just for a chat. i’ll be posting again very soon <3

[perfectlyoongi]

ROOMMATE!YOONGI who covers you every night when you fall asleep in front of the television. whether winter or summer, Yoongi always made a point of accommodating you on your small sofa. with a white blanket in the summer and a blue blanket in the winter, Yoongi covered you carefully, letting the smooth fabric begin to warm you before he considered whether or not press a kiss to your forehead. yes, you were sleeping, you wouldn’t notice. no, you could wake up, you would mock him. just a sigh and a turn away with a pink tint on his cheeks — tomorrow he would give you that kiss, yes. “one of these day you get sick and i don’t want to take care of you. i’m just saving myself work in the future. it’s just that, that’s all.”

ROOMMATE!YOONGI who would buy groceries with you just to know what you would like so he could buy it for you when you needed it most. as he pushed the cart, seeing your body walking excitedly in front of him, Yoongi always made a mental note of all the brands you touched and talked about, paying special attention to the ones where you just looked and smiled. one day, he would offer you what you like most. but you can’t know that’s the reason he always goes shopping with you. “these cookies were on sale and i know you like them, so i decided to buy them. if you want, i can go back and buy that juice you really like. it’s not a hassle at all.”

ROOMMATE!YOONGI who makes a night of ice cream and wine when life is getting more complicated for you. lit only by the lamps in your living room, sharing a large bucket of your favorite ice cream, Yoongi sat next to you and listened to your outbursts. about work or family, friends or the world in general, Yoongi would let you talk for hours if necessary, just talking to offer you more wine or agree with people’s stupidity, always ending up giving you one or two pieces of advice and a story that would make you laugh. on the most complicated nights, Yoongi would be by your side, sharing a blanket, an ice cream, and a moment that would be eternal. “tell me all your worries and let me carry them in my heart for one night. let me relieve you of the weight of reality just for one night. let me help you.”

ROOMMATE!YOONGI who only lets you sit on his bed. Yoongi’s room was sacred, just like your room was sacred. but, as with all sacred temples, short visits had to be made regularly to maintain the fantasy charm. so, whenever you invaded Yoongi’s room to show him a video or share gossip about the neighbors, he would let you sit on his bed, secretly wishing some of your scent would get lost on its clothes. but only you could do that. it didn’t matter if it was a friend or family, Yoongi only let you sit on his bed, because it was only your smell that calmed Yoongi on the most turbulent nights. “sit on the bed, it’s more comfortable. but don't hug my pillow again. last time you left it disfigured and i couldn’t sleep. be more careful with my bed, thank you.”

ROOMMATE!YOONGI who leaves you little sticky notes on the bathroom mirror when he thinks you need it the most. words of encouragement or simply some reminders, several colorful squares were left on the bathroom mirror for you to find early in the morning. Yoongi wanted to remind you that you weren’t alone, ever. Yoongi was just a sticky note away. “i know how cruel the world can be, but don’t forget that if there is light and hope in this world, it is because you are in it. never forget your worth.”

ROOMMATE!YOONGI who leaves coffee or tea made for you in the morning before leaving the house. Yoongi was always the first to wake up, and when the house was still plunged into a deep silence, Yoongi prepared your favorite hot drink at the exact moment before he left and before you woke up. ever since Yoongi started doing you that little favor, he had never failed. every morning you were treated to your not-too-hot drink and the smell of Yoongi’s perfume still in the kitchen. “i’m glad you liked the drink. i just want to do something for you to start your day off right and show you that there’s still beauty in this world.”

ROOMMATE!YOONGI who didn’t know how to confess, he only knew that it couldn’t pass that night. the feeling consumed Yoongi from the inside, devouring his soul, destroying his entire essence. Yoongi felt trapped by that feeling. Yoongi had to free himself from that weight that squeezed his heart as quickly as possible. so, that night, Yoongi helped you tidy up the kitchen and, before you even put down the cloth, he took a deep breath and, asking for help from all the angels and saints and courage from all the gods and entities, Yoongi simply spoke. “i think i like you. well, actually i don’t think, i’m sure. but i don’t want to scare you or push you away with the truth of my feelings. just… just know that i like you, a lot.”

[azzifudd]

was able to get through the paywall!☺️

WEST SPRINGFIELD — When UConn women’s basketball player Azzi Fudd first tore her right anterior cruciate ligament in the summer of 2019, she struggled through the physical and mental toll she faced during her recovery.

Despite the pain she endured to get back onto the court - or maybe because of that experience - Fudd remembers barely being fazed when she tore her right ACL for a second time.

“My reaction shocked me,” Fudd said on Saturday at Hooplandia. “I thought for sure I would just cry. The first time I was a mess, I cried, I was so sad. (But) when it happened this time, I felt like I kind of knew.

“I’ve been working the last few years on the mental side of the game, working on my mindset, my confidence, my self-talk... so I was like ‘Ok, I’ve been through this before, I know how big the mental aspect is - what am I going to do to help myself get through it this time and handle it a lot better than I did in high school’ because I didn’t handle it well. So when it happened (again), I was really upset, but I didn’t let myself go down that rabbit hole of what could’ve been if I was healthy.”

But even her stronger mental approach could not lessen the most difficult factor of recovery: the wait.

“Surgery was fine, all that was fine. It’s harder halfway through the season when I’ve been sitting through games, I’ve been cheering, I’ve been positive,” Fudd said. “And then it hits you, like, 10 games of just sitting on the bench cheering (and realizing) ‘I still have so many more games to sit here and cheer and still not play/’

“It’s definitely really tough, (the wait is) one of the harder things that people don’t talk about.”

Fudd stressed how important her physical rehabilitation process was in helping her regain trust in her body.

“Do your rehab, it’s so important,” Fudd said.

“I lived, ate, breathed my rehab and when it was time to come back, everyone was like, ‘Did you have doubts, did you think you were going to tear it again’, I didn’t have any doubts... because I knew all the hard work that I put in (during) my rehab process so I knew how strong my leg was, I knew what I was capable of doing because I did so much to prepare myself.”

Basketball was the driving force behind Fudd’s determination during this process and finding that reason can make all the difference.

“At the end of the day, I love basketball and that’s what I wanted to keep doing, that was my purpose behind my rehab,” Fudd said. “Some people, they might be done playing basketball, but they still want to rehab, whether it’s to play a different sport, to be a singer, to be a dancer - you’re still rehabbing for a reason. Remember what that reason is, it doesn’t have to be basketball anymore, it can be something else, but just find that reason and keep going.”

Thank you!!

Aww Azzi, it sucks obviously that she had to go through it again, but it seems like she knew her mentality had to be and was going to be different this time around. She let herself be upset, but not to the point where she spiraled about 'what could've been.' Which is what she said at that summit a few months ago too. 100% makes sense that just sitting and waiting to play again was one of the hardest parts, Paige struggled with that too. Even when you're trying to be positive and cheer for your teammates. I hope she's really able to come back confident in her body. You really gotta be a different breed mentally to be a pro athlete and not just wanna quit lol

[mayajadewrites]

Levi Ackerman x Reader: Moth to a Flame

synopsis: Levi Ackerman - Captain of the Scout Regiment. He's broody, quiet, and clean. You're a scout, skilled in combat and has killed numerous titans. You dated Captain Levi briefly, in secret, in a whirlwind romance. Late nights and secrets are what kept your "relationship" afloat. Due to Levi's ideals, he decided to end things with you, but now you're moved on. But Levi hasn't.

authors note: this takes place in the AOT universe, and it will reference SOME of the events from the anime, so be aware if you're not caught up. i won't be following the timeline of the manga/anime.

characters: levi ackerman, erwin smith, erin jaeger, mikasa ackerman, armin arlot, jean kirstein, sasha braus, connie springer, hange zoe, + more.

content warnings: some chapters will be nsfw. i will put a warning before each chapter if it contains 18+ content.

ao3

C H A P T E R O N E – A U T U M N

The air was cold and crisp as it flowed through your window to the room you shared with Mikasa and Sasha. Summer is over and autumn has kissed the leafs on the trees.

Your body twitched as the air touched your skin. You made a mental note to start sleeping with a sweatshirt on. Sasha's snores filled the room while Mikasa slept silently.

You grab your watch from your nightstand and look at the time. 5:45 AM. You like to go on runs before breakfast to get your heart rate up and get some vitamin D before you had to attend training for your next mission.

After putting a t-shirt, shorts, and sneakers, you're out the door. The girls won't be up for another hour, so you didn't want to disturb them.

As you walk down the hallway, you put your hair in a ponytail, looking at your feet as you walk.

Then your body collided with another.

"Sorry." You say before you even look up at who's in front of you.

Captain Levi Ackerman.

"Sorry, Captain." You correct yourself, standing up straight.

"Where are you off to?" Levi brushed off his shirt, freshly pressed of course.

"I'm going on a run before breakfast."

Levi nodded in response, pushing past you towards Erwin's office. You sighed when you felt it was safe to, ignoring the pending thoughts in your head.

Levi Ackerman broke your heart, and you just super-glued the pieces back together.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

Breakfast was usually the same in the scouts. Eggs, bread, and sometimes bacon. Everyone sits in what we call the "mess hall" and eats breakfast together before we put our bodies through the ultimate torture which is training to fight titans.

You find your usual table – Mikasa, Eren, Armin, Jean, Sasha, and Connie.

"Good morning!" Sasha said as she stuffed her face with eggs. "I heard you leave this morning, how was your run?"

"I'm surprised you could hear me over your snoring." You chuckle, pushing a piece of hair behind your ear. "It was good. The sun felt good this morning, I'm so glad its finally autumn."

"You go on runs every morning?" Jean asked, patting his mouth with his napkin.

"Yeah, I like to prepare myself for training for the day."

You didn't want to say that Levi gave you the idea to go on runs every morning. He goes on runs earlier than you, thank God, because you'd rather not have to see him more than you already do.

"I might have to start doing that. I feel like I run really slow." Eren nodded to himself. I knew Mikasa was now going to also be going on runs in the morning with Eren. They are inseparable.

"That's awesome." Jean smiled as he said your name. He's always been sweet and funny, especially with Connie. They make you laugh every day, even on your worst days.

You feel the hair on the back of your neck stick up, a wave of goosebumps to follow. Your ears honed in on the sound of his boots against the floor.

You hated that Levi had this affect on you.

He was talking to Hange about her latest Titan experiment, which he sounded less than thrilled about. You made a conscious effort not to look at him.

"Morning Captain!" Armin said with a smile. He's always so joyful in the morning, which is something you envy.

"Good morning brats." Levi nodded in approval, his eyes glazing over yours for a split second.

A memory of you waking up next to him flashed in your mind, a time when you accidentally fell asleep after spending the night talking, kissing, and obviously... other activities.

"You good?" Jean's voice was like a pin to your thoughts, popping them instantly. "You looked like you're spacing out."

"Yeah, I was just thinking about how good a cup off coffee would be right now. I'm gonna go get some." You get up from your seat, shaking off the feeling of your memory.

"I've never felt like this." Levi kissed your ear, his voice low in your ear. His hand snaked up your body to your face, taking your chin roughly in his hands and pulling it towards his face. "You're one of a kind."

Life without Levi has been tough, but you have gotten over the gash of heartbreak he left. Seeing him every day for training and missions has gotten easier, and thankfully he doesn't want to see you any more than you do him.

Or so you think.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

let me know what you guys think so far!

[darkness-follows]

Personal rant which I WILL delete later...

I CANT BELIEVE IM A 24 YEAR OLD ALCOHOLIC

Wtf dude. What the actual fuck.

In November last year my therapy ended (not because I was done but because my Therapist decided to get preggo) and we did very little to prepare me mentally to end my almost 3 year therapy.

So obviously I didn't do so well with it.

In 2020 during The *giving up my entire early 20s to a fucking pandemic* time I picked up drinking again.

It wasn't good but it wasn't awful until November. Since then it's been awful. And recently because summer always triggers a lot of body dismorphia for me it's gotten terrible. I can't recall the last night where i didn't have a drink.

Im like a step away from starting in the mornings just to handle my daily bullshit.

The people who I spend a lot of time finding that were supposed to help me with my mental health and my ADDICTION keep letting me down so I get overwhelmed by stuff I really really need to take care of over and over again.

And every day is the fucking same man.

I don't know. Im really in a bad spot atm. Barely hanging on... drinking myself dumb and numb.

[lexkent]

I've been accepted into grad school in a neighboring state and in the city I've lived in for the past 10 years, and I'm rotting from the inside out trying to come to a decision

pros for staying: I love my second floor apartment with a balcony and feel comfortable that the landlord isn't some monster. It would be so much easier to stay put. I have a summer and fall job secured here. the classes are regular M-F. there's a part time option if it gets to be too much. I have 1 cousin moving here for grad school (different school same city). there's a better chance of meeting fellow lgbt people here. this is a fun and diverse city with a never ending selection of things to do.

cons for staying: I already spent 4 years at this school so there isn't that thrill of going to a new university it would almost feel like returning to high school. I don’t feel a ton of school pride. it's not particularly safe here (I regularly hear gunshots, etc from my apartment.) I'm tired of the stress of the Mad Max driving situation here. I can't go on night walks without needing to be aware of my surroundings. I don't think I would want to be a Beginner social worker here (though I do want to return someday with more skills and experience). I feel like 10+ years is a long time to live in just one city. my therapist would be low key disappointed if I stayed. staying might feel like settling.

pros for leaving: it's exciting to go to a new school. smaller class sizes should mean a better chance to connect with professors and better chance to get an assistantship to help cover tuition. I could go on walks at night without needing to look over my shoulder. I would prefer to be a Beginner social worker in this city. new city means new places and parks to explore. my therapist seems to think going here and having a fresh start would be most beneficial to me. some cousins and friends are within 1.5 hours of this city. Ceno should be moving there soon!! I've been approved for an apartment with a deck.

cons for leaving: I hate moving more than anything in the world no matter how much I mentally prepare myself it's always 100x worse than I imagined. classes are Friday and Saturday (how am I supposed to drive home and see family/friends with 2 years of weekend classes?) middle of nowhere city. lack of diversity. I don't have a summer job lined up. there is always risk and uncertainty signing with new landlords because they can make your life total hell. it has been near impossible to find an apartment that allows cats I've been looking every day for months. I was just accepted for an apartment i like (though I learned it is ground floor despite the listed pictures which means my cats won't be able to freely enjoy the outdoor deck space like they could with a balcony and there could be a safety issue considering open windows) but with 1st month rent + security deposit + $600 cat fee + $70 cat rent, my bank account is going to wiped out to nothing (I've been crying lol)

[babydollmarauders]

CRUEL SUMMER — NICO HISCHIER

nico hischier x fem!reader

FAITHLYNN’S 500 CELLY!

🌻: Cruel Summer with Nico

maybe it wasn’t the best idea to join my best friend in his home country for the summer. saying yes to spending two months with Nico in Switzerland was definitely not my brightest moment, because now i’m sat in the grass, watching as my very shirtless, very hot, best friend with benefits jumps into a lake.

okay, maybe it’s not the coming to Switzerland that was the problem. maybe it was the nights i’ve spent sneaking over to his room, maybe it was the time i spent tangled up in his sheets only to have nothing change between us. maybe it’s the fact that i wait with baited breath for him to either confess that he loves me or for him to tell me we should stop our late night activities. in whatever case, this has been a cruel summer with him.

**

i’m outside the bar, waiting for Nico’s sister, Nina to bring the car around. Nico stands next me, helping support my drunken self, and whispering sweet words in my ear.

“it’s okay, i’ve got you, y/n.” he tells me as Nina pulls up. he helps me into the back of the car before taking a seat in the front with his sister. he turns to look at me when Nina starts driving. “don’t worry, i’ll take care of you when we get back.”

his sweet nature makes tears well in my eyes, and knowing that he’s doing this out of the kindness of his heart, even though we’re only friends, makes me let out a sob. i want to be more. i want to be so much more. i want him to take care of me because he loves me. i want to be able to stay in his bed on the morning instead of sneaking back to my own. i want to call him my boyfriend and tell him i love him. but i can’t do those things, because we’re only friends.

“hey, hey! what’s wrong? why are you crying?” his tone is sweet and comforting, his eyes full of worry, and it only makes me cry harder. “y/n/n, please tell me what’s wrong.”

i continuously shake my head, refusing to spill the words that rest on my tongue. even in my drunken state, i know that would end badly. it doesn’t take more than a few minutes to reach his families house and Nico quickly helps me out of the car and to his bedroom, where he grabs me some sweatpants and a t-shirt to change into. he waits in the hall while i change and when he comes back in, i’m sat on his bed. he holds a pair of fuzzy socks he must have retrieved from my room, and offers to help me take my makeup off and brush my teeth, which makes me start crying again.

“okay, hey. please tell me why you’re crying. did i do something? i don’t understand.” he whispers, crouching down to look at my face. he looks down for a second to pull the socks onto my feet, and the gesture is my breaking point. i let the words i’ve been dying to say all summer, get free.

“i love you. ain’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?” he freezes, and i mentally prepare myself for him to reject me. but when he looks up at me again, he wears a wide grin.

“i love you too.” he whispers, rising to his feet and pulling me up with him so that my chest is against his.

“you do?” i sniffle.

“yes. did you really think i was sleeping with you if i didn’t love you? i don’t do that, y/n/n.” he tells me. he bends down, capturing my lips in his, engaging us in a slow and passionate kiss. pulling away, he tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. “and to answer your question; i think it might be the best thing i’ve ever heard.”

-

-

-

[lilyevanstan1325]

❤️ Built For This World ❤️

Chapter 4

I've been here at the farm for almost 5 days so that means that sweet, defenseless little girl has been out there for a week.

Sophia has not yet been found.

I really hope with all my heart that she is still alive.

We all hope so.

Last night before going to sleep Carol updated me a little on the situation.

Daryl and the others are still busy searching and it seems that the archer has found a good lead to follow.

And damn, despite everyone's efforts, Daryl really seems like the only one who really cares about this whole thing.

He spends entire days searching every millimeter of these woods, following every possible path.

Spending all his strength.

Carol tries not to show it but even an idiot would notice that her mental state is in full decline.

And the night, poor woman, she spends every night crying.

How do I know?

As accommodation they let me sleep on the floor of Dale's RV since neither I nor they have an extra tent for me.

And just when the woman thinks everyone is sleeping she gives vent to all her pain.

And honestly I don't know what to do.

I have often thought about getting up to console her but I have always stopped, not because I am insensitive to her pain but because I don't know what to say to her.

And I'm sure that my words don't even help her.

She just needs her little girl and not my stupid words of circumstance.

I even thought about offering myself for the research but there is a small detail that stops me.

Daryl.

He hates having me around and I don't think he would ever accept my help or even my company.

So I avoid being around him.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm settling with the others quite well.

Everyone is very kind to me, except for two obvious exceptions.

Daryl, precisely, and Shane.

I try to stay away from the latter.

Really away.

Apparently the man can only tolerate me if I remain at a safe distance from him.

And who am I to disappoint him?

For the rest I get along with everyone.

A good relationship is being established with the women, they are all very polite to me and try to include me in the group.

To reciprocate their kindness I continually try to get busy.

I help with the fire, with the preparation of meals, with the perimeter guard shifts and with everything I can.

Like now.

Me, Lori, Amy, Carol and Andrea are making breakfast for everyone this morning.

Maggie and Beth, the farmer's daughters, kindly gave us some eggs and even offered to help us out.

So all together we are trying to set up something decent, at least for the men who will soon leave to resume the search for Sophia and for those who will leave for a quick reconnaissance down in the city in search of further supplies for the winter that will soon arrive.

A gust of wind makes me shiver.

Even if during the day the temperatures are still quite high, in the morning the air begins to feel increasingly cooler.

I shrug, rubbing my hands along my arms to try to get some warmth.

“Summer?Summer, dear can you hear me?”

I snap out of my thoughts at Carol's voice.

I look up from the bowl full of freshly picked peaches.

“Sorry Carol, tell me”

Carol raises an eyebrow as she takes a few steps closer.

"Everything is fine?This is the third time I've called you.What's going on inside that little head of yours?” she asks me kindly, keeping her voice low so as not to be heard by the other women.

I shake my head, smiling weakly.

Just like my mother, she always seems to know when I overthink about something.

Maybe this is a super mom power?

"Nothing.I was wandering”

I shrug indifferently at the end of the sentence.

I don't want to give her any more worries.

She's already had enough of it.

“Mmh mmh” she murmurs, unconvinced, grabbing a knife and taking the peach that I turn over and over in my hands.

I also take a knife, grab another peach and follow her, imitating her gestures.

In silence we begin to peel the fruit and cut it into small pieces.

The sweet smell of peaches makes my mouth watering.

Behind us we hear Amy and Beth giggling.

For just a moment it's as if everything were normal, as if we were just a group of friends intent on preparing breakfast.

There is no death, there is no pain, there are no dead people brought back to life.

There is peace, calm.

But the reality is very different.

We're just a bunch of strangers trying to get ahead.

Not to give up.

We're just trying to survive.

We're just trying to make sense of this fucking world.

“Did you talk to Daryl?” Carol asks me, feigning indifference.

I sigh, closing my eyes and trying to stay calm.

That evening after having...I don't even know how to define it...argued?

After having that brief confrontation with Daryl I was very nervous and I couldn't keep it from her.

I told her what had happened and how I felt.

Nowadays I still don't understand Carol's reaction.

“Don't mind what he told you.Daryl isn't that good with words” she replied smiling.

Her look seemed amused but I decided not to investigate further.

But from that moment on I had the impression that she was pushing me to resolve the issue with the man.

Which obviously I've always avoided.

He stays away from me and I have nothing to say.

He looks down every time our paths cross and I don't complain.

I do not want to create problems.

I'm new and I just want to earn my place in the group without bothering the others.

“Daryl and I have nothing to clarify”

Saying his name makes my stomach clench.

“It's okay Carol, we avoid each other and we're all happy” I whisper.

At least he is.

Carol shakes her head but she doesn't say anything else.

More giggles catch our attention, making us turn around.

Amy and Beth seem to be talking to each other, constantly glancing to their left.

So I decide to follow their gazes to understand what it is.

And a little further on there is him.

Daryl.

He seems busy checking something inside his backpack.

He is wearing a pair of black jeans and his ever-present sleeveless shirt.

This man appears to be insensitive to the cold.

The muscles in his arms bend sinuously, swelling with every movement.

Muscles that have nothing to do with exhausting sessions in the gym.

Oh no...

His body is built only by his struggle for survival.

Apparently the archer's past life was not very different from the one he leads now.

Hunting and rural life have always been part of his life.

Or at least that's what Carol and Glenn told me.

After a few minutes he crouches on his knees to check some arrows, the powerful muscles of his thighs seem barely contained in the constriction of his jeans.

He cocks his head to the side and grabs an arrow, studying it carefully.

He checks the tip with his fingers.

For a moment I remember the strength of those fingers closed around my wrist as he dragged me with him into that woods.

My heart does a somersault remembering the warmth of that hand, the strong grip of his calloused fingers.

“Do you stop, please?”

Andrea has an amused frown on her face as she scolds the two girls who don't stop giggling and continue to throw mischievous glances at the unaware Daryl.

"What?" laughs Amy, Andrea's sister, as she approaches me to hand me some dishes.

Her young blue eyes shine like lapis lazuli.

Amy throws her head back laughing heartily.

“Don't tell me I'm the only one here?” she replies, turning to all of us, indicating the man with a nod of her head.

I look back at Daryl and a shiver runs through me.

Carol giggles.

Andrea's eyebrows raise dangerously upwards.

"What?" Amy repeats again crossing her arms over her chest.

“He's sexy as hell” the girl admits candidly, triggering more giggles.

“He's rude” her sister immediately replies.

“That doesn't mean he doesn't have a perfect ass, look there.Right Beth?” she asks, turning to her friend.

Beth giggles again.

“You know Amy, your sister prefers guys like Shane” her friend supports her.

Wow.

What the fuck?

Really.

Just one word.

Eew.

Lori from her spot shifts her weight from one foot to the other as if she is uncomfortable.

Her and Andrea exchange a fleeting glance, full of tension.

Which I can't fully understand.

“Well, he may be rude but Amy's right.If I had been a little younger I wouldn't have wasted my time”

I turn my head sharply towards Carol shocked by her spicy revelation.

Seriously Carol?

With her words she attracts everyone's attention.

Her dreamy expression is focused on the ass of the archer, bent forward intent on raising the crossbow lying near his feet.

I drew my bottom lip between my teeth and bit it nervously.

The response from the other women doesn't take long to arrive and in fact another chorus of giggles rises in the air.

For my part, I'm paralyzed with the dishes still in my hands.

I don't like the direction this little girl talk session is going.

Why?

Because it's obvious that my thoughts are common to theirs but I don't even want to think about it.

I can't afford to think of him like that...nothing good would come of it.

Not for me at least.

I feel my face go up in flames.

"I'm right, you heard her?" Amy replies, satisfied, challenging her sister to reply.

Andrea huffs in exasperation, turning her back on her sister.

Maggie approaches me, gently taking the dishes from my hands and starting to fill them with scrambled eggs.

“Ok, he's not that bad.But he's not my type”

With these words the oldest Green gives us her opinion on the subject.

“And who would be your type, Glenn?” Lori teases her, her words make the girl blush.

Then Maggie's dark eyes stop for a moment in mine.

A small look that I can't decipher until an alarm rings in my head.

Wait.

Wait…oh god.

Oh God no!

I turn away from the discussion among the others to focus on Maggie.

I approach her, taking a dish and starting to help her.

Maggie was very nice to me, she gave me clean clothes, she takes care of my sore wrists and I don't want her to even think that I'm somehow trying to come between her and Glenn.

I would never do that.

It's true that the boy and I have become very close in these few days but there is nothing sentimental between us.

I don't feel attracted to him in that way.

I have to tell her something to prevent the seed of doubt from sprouting in her head but in the distance I actually see Glenn advancing towards us so I decide to postpone our discussion.

As the man approaches, his eyes are all for Maggie.

I shake my head with a smile.

How could she ever doubt it?

“Good morning, my beautiful ladies” he exclaims with a big smile after reaching us but without ever taking his dreamy gaze away from the farmer's beautiful daughter.

In response he receives kind good mornings in return.

Maggie hands him a plate accompanied by a smile and then he walks away to sit on one of the improvised chair blocks.

Slowly all the other men join us.

First Rick, then Dale, T-dog.

Even Shane.

I hand him a plate trying to be as kind as possible and I even receive a half-thank you in return.

Wow!

This is an event worth noting in the yearbooks.

That prick knows the word thank you.

Lori approaches us taking two plates.

“One is for Carl” she justifies herself, afraid that someone might object.

“Hersel hasn't given him permission to get up yet so I'll go eat in the room with him” she continues.

I smile at her and she walks away, entering the big white house.

Carl.

One lucky little guy.

Not everyone can survive a bullet.

This is how this group came to the farm.

Due to a horrible accident.

Apparently Otis, one of the inhabitants of the farm, accidentally shoots the boy while hunting a deer.

Offering his help immediately, he would later die by sacrificing himself and allowing Shane to bring back to Hersel everything needed to save the boy's life.

I haven't had the chance to meet Carl yet but from what Lori and Rick told me about him he really seems to be a special little boy.

“Go eat with the others Summer”

Maggie's voice wakes me up from my thoughts and I immediately realize that they are all sitting enjoying their breakfast.

Everyone except me and her.

And Daryl of course.

No trace of him.

Why the hell am I always so aware of his presence or absence?

I nod as she turns her back on me but before she can disappear inside her house I whisper her name.

At first I thought that she didn't hear me but then her pace slows until she stops, then turning towards me.

“Tell me” she replies with a smile.

I approach unsure of what to say.

Where do I start?

I feel embarrassed.

“I…emh I wanted to tell you… yeah I mean...”

The words die in my mouth.

Is it really the right thing?

Even though she has always been friendly to me, can I really intrude into her private life like this?

"What happens?"

Her large eyes observe me carefully.

With one hand she tucks a lock of hair behind her ears.

She is really very beautiful and I really don't understand how she can feel threatened by someone like me.

No one has ever looked at me the way Glenn looks at her, why would she ever doubt his feelings?

With a big breath I take courage.

Now or never.

I quickly peek over my shoulder noticing that the others are far enough away that they can't hear so I decide to speak.

“It's about Glenn” I whisper, returning my gaze to her face, torturing the fingers of my hands.

“Oh” the girl whispers in a broken voice, looking at me with the same look she had given me shortly before, when Lori had brought up her crush on the boy.

Her long fingers nervously crease the hem of her cotton shirt.

Around us the silence is interrupted only by the echo of the chatter of the rest of the group.

We both remain silent unable to continue this embarrassing conversation.

Her gaze remains low on her feet as she kicks at the blades of grass around her.

“Do you…do you like him”

And hers isn't a question.

"What?"

My slightly too shrill tone of voice makes several heads turn towards us.

“No, no Maggie” I reply whispering.

I immediately approach her, gently grabbing her hand.

She slowly raises her face almost in fear.

I continue to shake my head as she looks at me curiously.

"No.This is what I wanted to talk to you about" I reassure her.

Her face seems to relax a little.

“Glenn was the first to show me some humanity, he helped me and I can never thank him enough but Glenn and I are just friends”

“Really?”

“Really.I don't see him the way you see him” I tease her making her blush.

“Oh Summer, sorry!”

Her words are followed by a suffocating hug.

She holds me tightly, in her grip I can feel the relief but also a lot of anxiety.

I hug her back, trying to convey to her all the truthfulness of my words.

Glenn is amazing and maybe in another life I would have even considered going on a date with him.

He is sweet, nice, smart.

We have many interests in common such as comics, video games, films.

We are two classic guys in our early twenties, both raised in a city too big for our simple spirits.

But despite all that I don't feel attracted to him in that way.

My gaze slides behind Maggie.

Towards Daryl's tent.

No, Summer.No!

Damn it.

It's not possible.

It's absurd, irrational.

Sure Daryl is attractive, strong, brave...

But mine is just a stupid physical attraction.

After all, apparently I'm not the only one who finds him beautiful.

Maggie is the first to break the hug but our hands remain intertwined so together we approach the porch steps to sit on them.

We both keep our gaze fixed straight ahead, watching the sun slowly take its place in the sky.

“I'm sorry for thinking that you and Glenn…”

Maggie begins but I immediately stop her with a wave of my hand.

“Don't think about it” I reassure her.

“It's my fault.Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so close to him and disrespected you” I admitted rather embarrassed.

Maybe I couldn't have known it at first but I should have pulled back a little when I realized the looks that the two lovebirds usually throw at each other every time they have the chance.

I feel Maggie's hand rest on my knee, squeezing it slightly.

On her face there is a beautiful smile that will take your breath away.

“You don't even have to say it.I know Glenn cares about me but I also know he cares about you.I was just a little scared.That's all”

We laugh together at her confession and I watch her as she stands up.

“I'm going to see if dad needs me.See you later Summer” she greets me.

I greet her with a smile.

“Oh Maggie?”

“Yeah?”

“When you see Glenn could you tell him to come find me?I have a favor to ask him”

“Okay” she replies and then closes the door behind her.

I sit on the porch steps until Carol joins me with a plate of food.

“Thanks mommy” I thank her rolling my eyes and making her laugh.

“If you remembered to eat I wouldn't have to chase you like you were a five year old girl, right?So shut up and eat” she scolds me gently, forcing the plate into my hands.

“Yes ma’am”

As I finish my meal one bite after another, I am hungrier than I thought, I see Daryl coming out of his tent ready for the new research session.

He quickly places his backpack on his shoulders, tightening his grip on his crossbow and quickly walks away heading towards the stable.

I follow him with my gaze.

Carol's elbow digs painfully into my ribs.

“Damn Carol” I cough.

For her part, she feigns an innocent expression but her sly smile tells me something completely different.

I roll my eyes so much I could see the back of my head.

I get up huffing.

“I'm not going to talk to him, Carol”

“No one asked you”

“No?”

“Nope”

She looks at me from below with her immense blue eyes with a toothy smile.

I don't know her well enough but I'm more than certain that that look on hers doesn't bode well.

Only then I realize that she is turning a canteen between her fingers.

She stands up and forcefully shoves it into my hand like she had done earlier with my plate of food.

“What exactly should I do with it?”

I feel panic crawling in my stomach.

In my hands that stupid canteen weighs like a boulder because I know who it belongs to.

I often saw Carol fill it and then give it back to his owner.

“Why are you doing this to me?" I ask her almost desperately, whimpering as if I were really a five-year-old.

Why is this woman so keen to have the archer humiliate me?

“I thought we were friends” I hiss through gritted teeth.

My eyes get wet.

Fuck!

I hate the close correlation between my feelings and my eyes.

I'm sad?I cry.

Am I frustrated?I cry.

I am happy?I cry.

I listen to a good song?I cry.

And I swear it's never been a problem for me but in this place, surrounded by people I barely know, well let's say it embarrasses me a little.

“You'll thank me one day” Carol coos, leaving me alone.

What the answer is this?

Jeez.

Shit.

I might not go.

I might turn around and go to Dale's RV to see if he needs a change of guard.

I might go and see if there's laundry to do.

Or I could count the blades of grass.

Anything to avoid facing the archer's cold indifference.

Because despite everything the fact that he can only see trouble for his people in me hurts me.

I am really grateful to him for saving me and I would just like to have a civil relationship with him like I have with the others.

I turn the canteen over and over in my hands and with a big sigh I steel myself by forcing my legs to move in the same direction Daryl disappeared from.

Even though I'm not dying to interact with him I can't let him go out there without water.

My feet move unsurely on the grass and with each step that brings me closer and closer to the source of my discomfort my heart beats more and more irregularly.

And not only because of who I will have to see but also because of that place.

I haven't set foot in the stable since that damned night.

Only bad memories are connected to that place.

My hands are sweating and for a moment I fear I'll lose my grip on the cold metal of the canteen.

Once I reach the stable I hear Daryl's voice coming from inside.

“I know ya're a good girl.Ya're a good girl, aren't ya?”

His voice is hoarse, persuasive.

The softly shuffled letters mess up my thoughts.

I feel my knees shaking.

When I reach the stable Daryl has his back to me while he strokes the head of a beautiful horse.

The calloused hand moves between the animal's ears and then descends to the muzzle where he leaves two light gentle pats.

Once I reach my destination I knock twice with my knuckles on the boards of the door even if it is already open.

His head snaps towards me.

His blue eyes linger on me for only a few moments after which he turns his full attention back to the animal in front of him.

“Wha' do ya want?”

His abrupt tone makes me jump.

When I waste time finding the right words he turns away, his body turned completely in my direction.

A severe frown seems to reside permanently on his face especially when it comes to me.

“So?” he asks, spitting out the words as if they were poison.

And just like poison they burn a small portion of my heart.

“I…” I stutter unable to maintain eye contact.

My gaze shifts mortified to my hands.

I can feel his eyes boring two deep holes straight into my soul.

“Carol asked me to give you this” I whisper in a small voice showing him my hands.

A deafening silence wreaks havoc on my brain and when I decide it's too much for me I look up again but Daryl is turning his back on me again.

He started petting the horse again as if I wasn't here.

As if I hadn't spoken.

As if I didn't exist.

I could stamp my feet, shout at him how rude he is but I'm sure that would only make the situation worse so gathering up every ounce of courage I move closer until I get to his side.

Daryl glances at me sideways but says nothing.

I ignore him, putting my hand close to the horse's muzzle.

The animal, initially wary, moves away, but after a few seconds it brings its muzzle closer to my hand and lets me touch it.

I rub my fingers between his large dark eyes and receive a loud whinny in return.

I laugh.

“He's beautiful” I whisper to myself.

I have always dreamed of having a horse.

I remember as a child begging my parents for more than a year to have one.

My father almost lost his mind explaining to me how impossible it was for such an animal to live in a small garden in the city.

“’S a girl” Daryl murmurs, still without turning towards me.

My hand freezes immersed in the shiny mane.

"What?" I ask unable to stop myself.

Is he really speaking to me after treating me as if I were invisible?

“The horse.She's a girl” he repeats finally turning his head towards me.

And for the first time, in days, I no longer see all that anger in his eyes.

For the first time in days I found a little piece of that man I met in the woods.

Trying to hide my smile I turn and dig both hands into her soft mane.

“Oh I'm so sorry baby” I coo, scratching the docile beauty near her ears.

His soft chuckle makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

“Are ya apologizing to a horse?” the amused archer asks, his voice seems more relaxed but I don't dare turn around to make sure.

I'm afraid that even just looking at him this moment of tranquility could vanish.

“Well if I were in her place I would have been offended if someone had mistaken me for a boy” I reply letting a genuine smile blossom on my face.

Maybe the first since I've been here.

“Nah… no shit.I don't think is possible.Yer too pretty, sunshine”

That nickname again.

But this time no mockery to accompany his words.

Too shocked to keep my promise to ignore him, I slowly turn to him and find his gaze fixed on my face.

A mix of emotions swirl in my brain even as I try to keep a neutral gaze on the outside as I try to understand what is going through the mind of the man in front of me.

A slight frown of frustration crosses his forehead.

It's as if he wanted to tell me something but his mouth was unable to do so.

“Daryl Dixon makes me a compliment.Wow”

“'M a asshole, sorry”

“It's ok”

“No, that's not ok” he replies immediately.

His right hand grips the crossbow so tightly that the object seems to creak in protest.

His vaguely agitated gaze flits from one side of the stable to the other as if he were looking for a way out of this uncomfortable situation.

I'm really sorry to see him like this so I decide to give him a hand to get out of this situation.

“Listen to me Daryl.You didn't do anything wrong.I understand you.You feel obligated to protect these people but I assure you that I will do everything to make you understand that I am not a threat"

Almost I want to add it but I avoid it.

If only they knew what trouble, just taking me in, could mean for them.

He could kill everyone just for the fun of it.

I shook my head vigorously.

No.

He's not here.

He is miles away.

Nobody has to know.

More silence.

“I should have been there instead of Glenn that night.Or Carol.I should have dragged ya away from this stable and instead I was stuck listening to that prick's lecture”

“Shane?” I ask looking at his eyes again.

Daryl nods, gnawing on the side of his thumb.

I can read a lot of anger in his gestures.

And regret.

“Nah…I already gave you so much trouble.Don't blame yourself for things you couldn't foresee” I try to reassure him.

“You already have so much to think about”

Carol, I think.

I know he feels haunted by Sophia's disappearance and he is doing everything for her.

And for Carol.

“I need to find tha' little girl, ya understand?Carol…”

His agitated words only confirm my thoughts.

Daryl is a man with a big heart.

Now we are facing each other, eye to eye.

Our bodies are so close that I could just reach out my hand and caress his face.

I would really like to smooth out the worry lines on his forehead with my fingers.

All around us there is a tense silence.

The air seems to become unbreathable.

The rays of the sun that penetrate between the cracks of this stable are reflected in his blue eyes, making them shine like the clear summer sky.

“You know, I like this” I smile, pointing first at me and then at him with my hand.

His right eyebrow lifts upwards curiously.

“It's nice talking to you.Without arguing, I mean”

Daryl smiles slightly, one corner of his lips lifting slightly.

I blush and squirm in embarrassment.

He's really beautiful, I think.

To ease my embarrassment I reach out a hand towards him.

Daryl looks at it without understanding my intentions.

“We can start again from here.What do you say?"

His eyes linger on my hand for a few more seconds then return to my face, straight into mine.

His arm slowly lifts and his hand, strong and calloused, wraps around mine.

It's not a real handshake but more like his hand engulfing mine, making it almost disappear.

An innocent gesture and yet I feel a fire burning inside me.

“I have to go now” the archer mutters under his breath.

I nod.

But despite this, neither of us moves.

A weird energy crackles in the air.

I can't hear any sound other than the desperate beating of my heart.

His eyes look like an immense ocean where I fear I will drown.

Or maybe it's just too late.

I'm already drowning.

His gaze, imperceptible for a moment, touches my lips.

His lips barely open, remaining ajar just enough to be able to see the tip of his tongue which comes out in a flicker to moisten his lips.

A deafening whinny snaps us out of our thoughts and Daryl's hand suddenly lets go of mine as if he too had just woken up from a daydream.

I watch as he takes a step back and lowers his head as if he's embarrassed.

As if this was too much for him.

“I have to go” he repeats.

“Okay” I squeak and then clear my throat.

His eyes are still focused on the old floorboards and some strands of hair fall in front of his eyes, hiding those wonderful blue pools from me.

I feel a tingling in my hand and without realizing it I am already raising it towards the man's face.

I observe my hand as if it had a life of its own, unable to stop me, while the tips of my fingers push aside some locks, finding those eyes to which I feel attracted for no real reason.

What do I know about this mysterious man after all?

What do I really know about him?

Why do I feel so damn attracted to him?

In my few past relationships I have always taken things very calmly.

Never love at first sight, any irresistible attraction.

Why now with him does it seem like I have no control over my thoughts?

And apparently not even that of my body because after having pushed aside his hair my fingers touch his forehead until they reach his cheekbone where my timid exploration is interrupted when the man grabs my wrist.

I think he's going to shove me away but he doesn't.

His fingers gently tighten around my wrist, his thumb caressing the abrasions on it.

I could even swear I felt his face tilt slightly towards my hand, pressing his cheek against my palm.

His stubble tickles my hand, awakening a flight of butterflies in my stomach.

His stormy gaze knots my thoughts, leaving me pleasantly confused.

Who knows what fantastic sensations his hands could unleash on me.

Oh my God...

I feel suffocated under his gaze.

“Be careful out there.Come back in one piece, okay?” I murmur in a strangled voice.

“Yes ma’am”

Daryl gives my wrist one last gentle squeeze and lets it go, turning his back on me and disappearing through the door.

I bring my hand to my chest, clasping my wrist with the other hand.

What the hell just happened?

I turn my head, a sweet fear grips my insides making my breathing irregular and without being able to help it a broad smile spreads across my face.

Carol was right.

I'll have to thank her.

I shake my head in disbelief.

I was so scared to face Daryl that now I can't believe how it turned out.

I leave the stable determined to find Glenn, I have to find him before he leaves.

With a light head still full of thoughts about the archer I return to the farm where not far from it I see Glenn coming towards me.

“Hey, Maggie told me you need a favor”

When I reach him I grab his arm and drag him with me.

“I need your help.I want to go to town with you”

Glenn nods.

“Ok but I don't think Rick is against it.Why do you need my help?” the boy asks me curiously.

I look around looking for the officer and find him almost immediately.

He and Shane are standing in front of the hood of an old Cherokee studying what appears to be a map.

"Come with me.You'll understand" I reply, focused on my goal, dragging Glenn with me.

I know Rick would have nothing to say about my wanting to go on a run with Glenn but I want something back.

Something that belongs to me.

And I want to do it right.

I want them to trust me.

When we arrived near the car, the first to notice us was Shane.

His features are serious and impassive, his necklace with the number 22 shines around his neck, hit by a ray of sunshine.

I maintain eye contact as I take my final steps to reach the two men.

The man nudges Rick and nods at me.

The officer's eyes lift from the map to rest on my face.

He smiles kindly at me unlike his friend who continues to look at me with a smug look.

Sumbitch.

“Hey Rick.I'm going to town with Glenn.I need some things and then the two of us will do it faster”

The man's blue eyes observe me carefully, then he nods.

“If you feel like it I can't stop you” he replies.

All right.

Now the hard part.

Seeing that I make no sign of moving, Shane intervenes.

“Do you need anything else, kid?”

His stupid question makes my hands itch.

God I want to punch this dickhead so bad.

Rick swings his worried gaze between me and his friend.

Maybe my thoughts are well painted on my face, after all, why hide how I feel towards that idiot?

He doesn't seem to make a secret of it so...

"I want my weapon back, Rick" I state turning my attention towards the only one who has the power to decide while completely ignoring Shane.

“No way”

“I didn't ask you” I reply without even sparing him a glance.

Shane takes a threatening step towards me but I'm not intimidated.

I'm not moving.

I don't even look at him.

My eyes stay on Rick the entire time.

“I know Hersel's rules and I'm not going around the camp armed, I just want my knife for walking around town.Once I get back I'll give it back”

Glenn moves closer to Rick.

“We can trust her, Rick”

Thanks Glenn, you did just what I needed.

Out of the corner of my eye I can see Shane glaring at him.

Rick seems to think about it but then he nods, thus agreeing to my request.

Shane seems irritated by Rick's choice but he doesn't say a word.

He just looks at me like I was a walker.

I grab Glenn's hand and turn on my heel, dragging him with me.

After not even a couple of steps Rick calls me.

“Hey Summer!Don't you ask me where your weapon is?” he asks me raising an eyebrow.

“No need.I know where it is.I saw it a few days ago”

Shane's gaze narrows curiously while Rick smiles amused by my answer.

“So why didn't you just take it, kid?” the latter asks me.

I shrug with a nonchalance worthy of an actress.

“Because I want you to understand that I'm not just a mouth to feed or another stupid worry.I want to be an integral part of this group and I want to do things according to the rules”

Shane shakes his head almost amused.

“We'll see, girl” he mutters, returning to focus all his attention on the map spread out on the hood of the car.

Rick follows close behind.

So without letting go of Glenn's hand I start walking again towards Dale's RV where my weapon is hidden in a locker.

“But didn't you say you needed my help?” my friend points out laughing, giving me a slight push with his shoulder.

His playful gaze lingers on mine.

“Oh but you did” I reply, getting into the RV and going to open the cabinet above the bed.

I grab my knife and put it in the waistband of my jeans and then I turn towards Glenn who in the meantime has also gotten into the vehicle.

“Rick trusts you.Your support was decisive for him to accept my proposal”

“Make sense.You know, you're lucky that your friend here is a big shot” boasts Glenn, puffing his chest out and placing his hands on his hips.

I roll my eyes.

We both smile.

“Come on big shot, let's go.I want to get back before dark" I tell him pushing him out of the RV.

“Listen, I'll see you at the car in a few minutes.I want to let Carol know that I'm coming with you, okay?”

“See you at the car” he nods, leaving me alone.

Wow!

Who would have thought that today would go so well?

My mood has definitely improved compared to this morning.

I got my weapon back.

I clarified with Maggie.

I'll go to town to find what I need.

And…

Oh c'mon!

The main reason for my good mood has blue eyes and smells like the summer woods.

As I leave the farm behind I go looking for Carol, my head dreaming and my heart full of Daryl.

On my way I am stopped by a voice calling me.

It's Lori.

I observe her curiously as she approaches, looking around with fear.

As if she didn't want to be seen.

“Everything is fine?Is Carl okay?” I ask her as soon as she reaches me.

Her son is the first thing that came to my mind when I saw that scared look on her face.

“Yeah, yeah.He's fine.Glenn told me you were going with him to look for supplies and I was wondering if you could do me a favor”

I look at her confused but nod.

Lori and I haven't talked much since my arrival and I haven't had the chance to get to know her well yet but that doesn't mean I could deny her a favor.

Her tired and drawn face worries me.

“Is everything okay Lori?” I ask her again seeing her get agitated.

Her gaze wanders from one side of the field to the other.

“Everything is fine.I just need you to get me some things” she replies handing me a small paper note.

What is all this secrecy?

Having really reached the end of the world, do some women still have shame to talk about periods and tampons?

Why did she have to write it?

Amused by her excessive shyness, I grab the piece of paper, giving a slight peek at its contents.

I remain motionless staring at the paper.

Incredulous.

The smile on my lips quickly fades.

“I would like to be able to count on your confidentiality.Do you think you can do it?” Lori adds in a whisper.

I nod unable to answer.

“I…I don't want to burden you with this but you're the only one who can do it.I can't ask Glenn.And I don't want anyone else to know.Nobody” she adds, agitated, pressing on the last word.

Copy that.

Rick doesn't have to know.

I shake my head from side to side trying to get rid of my amazement.

It's none of my business if Lori doesn't want to tell Rick and I will certainly keep my mouth shut.

“You have my total discretion, Lori" I reassure her by squeezing her upper arm.

She chews on her lower lip nervously as she looks around.

A light gasp from her makes me jump and following her gaze I notice Shane.

Standing on the porch, with his back resting against the white wooden planks, he is observing us.

He has his arms crossed over his chest and the sole of his right foot resting on the railing in front of him.

His haunted eyes follow every movement of the woman in my company.

Lori squirms under Shane's gaze and shivers.

“I have to go” she says quickly.

Without another word she walks towards the house, slowing down as she approaches it.

Lori and Shane exchange another long look until Rick comes to their right and catches their attention.

Lori jumps again and feigning indifference, badly I dare say, she corrects her trajectory by heading towards her husband.

Rick, unaware of that small exchange of glances between his wife and his best friend, passes his arm around her shoulder and kisses her temple and then heads together towards their tent.

I turn my attention back to Shane, studying his every move.

His large dark eyes are agitated, haunted as he chews on the inside of his cheeks.

His nostrils are flaring with anger.

I look down again at the note Lori handed me and at that moment something clicks in my brain.

The look between her and Andrea this morning when Beth mentioned Shane now takes on a whole new meaning.

Lori and Shane had an affair, probably when everyone thought Rick was dead.

Oh shit.

Oh man…I mean I'm nobody to judge but I honestly wouldn't want to be in Lori's shoes right now.

And I thought that my life was messed up.

The sound of footsteps violently trampling the ground sends a shiver down my spine.

I already know who it is before he says a word.

Putting on a relaxed expression, I lift my face to meet Shane's crazy gaze.

Without being noticed I put the note in the back pocket of my jeans.

The man gets dangerously close, invading my personal space.

He is so close that his smell stings my nostrils and makes me sick.

His eyes pierce mine, leaving me paralyzed.

I am aware that I am alone, at this moment of the morning everyone is already busy with their chores so there is no one who can help me.

I have to deal with him myself.

“Do you need something?”

I try to use a cheeky tone, as if I'm bored of him right now and not totally paralyzed by fear.

But Shane is smart.

Too smart.

He knows I might know something.

I tried to hide the tremor of my hands by digging them into the pockets of my jeans.

“I'm in a bit of a hurry Shane, if you don't mind?”

I try to dodge him but he steps in front of me with a threatening expression.

“Not a word, kid” he whispers to me, bringing his lips too close to my ear.

I can't help myself and a shiver runs through me.

Feeling satisfied with my reaction, the man walks away without saying a word.

I feel the sweat dripping down my back, soaking my shirt.

From now on I will have to sleep with one eye open.

Without wasting time I reach Glenn who, seeing my shocked face, gets out of the car and comes towards me.

I'm sure that my already naturally pale complexion is currently cadaverous.

“Are you okay, Summer?”

His agitated voice is an octave higher than usual.

I am fine?

No, absolutely no.

Shane is dangerous and I don't know if anyone else has noticed and they pretending nothing happened or if this son of a bitch is so good that he knows how to play his cards well and let everyone buy it.

Not receiving an answer, Glenn opens the passenger door and helps me get into the car, then gets on the other side and starts the engine driving away from the farm.

During the journey he does nothing but give me worried looks.

He knows that it would be useless to ask questions and that when I'm ready I'll talk.

I observe the landscape passing quickly outside the window, the sun high in the sky indicates that the first part of the morning has already flown by.

A couple of walkers wander undisturbed in the tall grass on the sides of the road.

I rest my forehead against the cold glass of the window and close my eyes.

I think of Daryl who could be anywhere right now and in my heart I really hope that he is okay and that he comes back safe and sound.

I feel the car slow down and when I open my eyes I can already see the outlines of the city buildings.

I dig my fingers into the flesh of my thighs.

The doubt consumes me but I can't do otherwise...

I promised Lori that I would keep her secret, this is true, but this was before Shane threatened me.

I can't ignore it and I have to tell someone, so that if something happens to me he doesn't go unpunished and above all he can no longer be a danger to the others.

Once we reach our destination, Glenn parks a little further away from the main road and turns off the engine.

When his hand is on the door handle I grab his knee forcefully, forcing him to turn towards me.

I feel my eyes fill with tears, a few drops escape my control and crash onto my thighs wrapped in the jeans.

I cannot believe it.

I thought I was done with this shit the moment I ran away from him but here I am.

Dealing with a fucking psychopath again.

Once again submissive to the will of another man.

But if I succeed the first time I can do it again, right?

This time there is a difference.

This time I'm not alone.

I have Glenn.

I have Carol.

I have Daryl.

And a lot of people I can call friends now.

The fingers of the man at my side wrap gently around mine, which still grip his knee.

“Summer, whatever it is, you know that you can trust me.Let me help you”

His plea tightens my heart.

Glenn, just like Daryl, is offering to help a complete stranger even if it means going against his own family.

I hate this idea but I need help now.

“Can you keep a secret, Glenn?”

Please comment, share and rate ❤️

Taglist

🔥 Masterlist 🔥

@deansapplepie

[gloomyfilm]

A LOVE LETTER TO THIS IS US 🍋💌☁️

/for full ambiant experience click on the audio before continuing\

I still can't believe two summers ago I decided to give This Is Us a try, fell in love and binge-watched the whole 5 seasons available.

Every night, I would get to cooking in a very romanticized fashioned way à la Nancy Meyers main character, pour myself a nice fresh drink as people still enjoyed the warmth of the early evening hours.

By the time dinner was ready, world would accordantly settle for peacefulness as I made my way to the couch to get all cozy and snuggly.

Here would begin, the events I was truly not prepared for..

In just under 2 episodes, I was now finding myself unexpectedly and completely invested, all thanks to the writers for having done such a terrific job on the dialogues, cliffhangers and time traveling. For approximately the next two weeks following, my nights were paced up by This Is Us and driven by my own hunger to find out: what on earth happened to the Pearson family?

From the very first episode, --- which features one of the most beautiful closing scene I've seen on television along Labi Siffre's song "Watch Me" --- up to the last episode of season 1, emotions would come to the surface, hitting a specific spot within me...

By episode 14 from season 2 it was clear, if not clear then, that the tissu box would be kept close by for the remaining time of the entire series.

Imagine some stranger dropping on you some hard facts about life, death, society issues, love, mental health... to sum it up: YOURSELF.

precisely, accurately and totally out of the blue. 😃

As the seasons went on, I was admiring how the flashbacks and foreshadowing started to merge all together into one. It would only get all the more brilliant with each new episode I was discovering.

The show succeeded in giving its audience a range of life observations to think about. Therapy-wise, if you couldn't afford a therapist, This Is Us was there for you. I still rely on and appreciate many of the thoughtful and life inspiring excerpts.

Moreover, it delivered the people with a brand new music playlist. Yes, another key element to all this greatness is the symbiosis between the storylines and the soundtrack. Hold my Spotify, to this day I still listen to the score in my bed, to meditate, to get dreamy. I've also come to discover wonderful artists and can hardly detach their songs from the show as it gave their melodies a new sense of clarity and depth.

When having finished the fifth season, I was desperate for more but afraid to google the show and potentially find out it had been canceled.... which is NOT what happened of course because we're talking about thee show that has garnered over 17 million views in less than 3 days for its trailer alone. alright lovelies?

And so just like that, comfortable in my bed and all up to date, the sixth and finale season of This Is Us was premiered in early 2022.

Only couple of months after having cried an ocean over its past seasons, -- if reminder was needed --, I emotionally began this last chapter of what felt in some parts like my own life portrayed on screen. ✨hopes were high - tissu box storage ran low.✨

Season 6 would open to a flashbacks filled episode echoing Season 1, already preparing us for closure and ultimately heartbreaks. Eventually some people were a bit disappointed by the simplicity of the final episode, but the last minute or so really brought it all up for me. It was ending, right there before our very eyes and it was beautifully executed. The ultimate disappointment would have been to not experience any shivers, but that never happened, the show always got in my feelings in one way or another.

The empty boxes of kleenex that I've been sitting on can testify, your honor.

Last but not least, an aspect of the show that I've truly enjoyed is that all characters and actors were given dedicated moments to shine.

The chemistry between them was real, felt and seen both on and off the big screen and that's precious. I miss this cast.

This year, just a few weeks away from my birthday, there'll be no new Jack Pearson butt to be seen, no mothering singing Rebecca, no anxious Randall, no queen Beth, no indecisive Kevin, no self sabotaging Kate and oh do I miss them all. But I am so grateful for the people behind this project and their creative genius that bought us such a magnificent television program. I had low expectations, it now holds a special place in my heart like no other tv series.

This Is Us did not just narrate a story about some random family, it narrated life authentically at its worst and finest. With poetry and grace, it presented different storylines for each and every single one of us to identify, it offered us our very own reflection, and an opportunity to change, learn, heal or grow. This is the reason why so many of us worldwide described it as close to home,

because This Is Us.

🎂 And a very happy (late) birthday to our boo Milo Ventimiglia (08/07/1977) 💘

[crazylittlejester]

Okay, so firstly, the anons are correct in saying you can take your time. I think everyone's floundering a little bit regarding motivation and inspiration right now due to the general quietness. I know I've been having a hard time transitioning from my school schedule to my summer routine, and it's been messing with my ability to write fics.

i think the real issue with me is i got my ass beat by that last month of school because I made the really fantastic decision to speed run a whole college course in like two days (dont do that) and i had 16 essays to write in those two days, and then the week after I wrote a 14 page paper in a little over 24 hours or something and during all of that I was still writing and posting fics (because i am stupid). And then school ended and I had absolutely nothing to do with myself and I felt like I had a bunch of missing assignments so writing fics became the new missing assignments for me, and then the exhaustion hit me like a bus and i crashed for a bit because I genuinely could not live my life like that anymore 😭

and now that I think I’ve genuinely recovered from all that, it being so quiet just feels weird and is killing my motivation, but like I totally get that people are busy and wrapping up THEIR school years and recovering from that, or preparing for events and stuff

im getting a better at writing because i WANT to because its fun to do and not because im treating it like homework assignments that have due dates, and i spent the last week actually going outside and walking around which was good for me mentally i think.

yknow what i think life would be so much easier if i would stop forgetting to take my fuckin adhd meds- but at the end of the day I’m just a little guy 🥺 (and also a bit of a fucking moron but thats besides the point)

anyways its reassuring (i think thats the word im looking for…?) to know im not the only one who’s struggled with writing while transitioning from school to summer schedules

[never-wednesday]

Hey its a Lil late in the month but this disability pride month I wanna talk about long covid. I also have chronic pain and all sorts of worms in my brain but I've been dealing with that forever. So we're talking about the new stuff. Putting a readmore because I'm talking about what my experience being sick with covid was like and it's probably unpleasant to read.

It's December of 2022 and I work retail while I'm home from school for winter break. I mask up every time I leave the house, including for work. My parents don't. My father talks about covid not being a big deal. He caught it last year and it was a mild cold for him. He says "i ate lunch with someone who had covid last week and im fine!" My mother catches covid a week after that conversation. I test and am seemingly fine despite symptoms of a cold, and then three days later (one of those days was a full 8hr shift at work where I was worn ragged because it's almost christmas. I also got heat exhaustion because the AC was busted and I live in TX.) I feel the worst I have felt in ages. My mom insists that my dad takes me to get tested for the flu, and I schedule a covid test while I'm at it. My covid test comes back positive.

For the next week I am bedbound, only able to sit up enough to try to eat something and only able to stand up long enough to get myself to and from the bathroom. I sleep through the days when I can get the dayquil down, and cough through the nights when I can't get the nyquil down. I hallucinate when im tired. One of those nights I swear I talk to god. My brain is fogged and it hurts to breathe. I am worried I will need to be hospitalized because I can't seem to keep any water in my system. It's a miracle that I can write instructions for my father to cook ramen for me. I can only drink the broth. One morning I try to take dayquil to soothe my throat and I vomit. My stomach is empty and I stand over the sink wretching.

It feels like a miracle when I recover. Christmas day my symptoms mostly clear up and I'm able to sit up long enough to use my computer, something I was unable to do for the past week. I test negative, my second best Christmas present that year. The first is the Elden Ring soundtrack on vinyl. I am elated that I made it put the other end.

A week later my friend comes from a few cities away to visit for a few days. We go shopping one afternoon, spend a few hours standing around at the local game store looking at dice and miniature plastic dragons. We get home at 6pm. I collapse into bed and wake up 3 hours later. I talk to my doctor about it in January, she says it should go away over time. Six months maximum.

I spend my spring semester exhausted. I start using a cane to make sure I can walk across campus. I'm thankful that many of my friends are also disabled because they understand when I need to ask people to slow down, or bail because of my fatigue. Many of the abled people in my life do not understand. One day I go out to a museum, a thing I am excited to do. When I get home at 4pm I make myself popcorn, then collapse into bed. I can't walk to the sink without my cane, I can barely get out of bed. This is what I have to adjust to.

Six months pass. The fatigue is not gone. I am home for summer break, and I try talking to my parents about my fatigue. They don't understand. I talk to my doctor. She is convinced it's depression symptoms. My mental health is largely the best it's been in years- I've been in treatment for months now and it is helping.

It's been about seven months now. I am not receiving treatment, nor will my doctor acknowledge that I have long covid. She has relented into testing for physical things. I got a CT scan, and have a sleep study scheduled for when I get back from visiting family in August. Depending on what these turn up and how my doctor reacts I am preparing to find a new doctor. I am not excited about this, because I like my doctor. But if she refuses to acknowledge that what has happened to me is likely covid and therefore will not treat me I will find someone else.

I don't really have a moral here beyond please mask up, get vaccinated, etc. Even if covid doesn't fuck you up it might fuck up someone you pass it to. Or even worse, it can kill the immunocompromised people around you. Please have compassion for the people around you. My father, who is a loving and caring man, brought this illness home to me. It wasn't out of malice, but it still has affected my life for probably the rest of my life.

[thornfield-library]

Review and Commentary: White Nights by Fyodor Dostoevsky

5/5 - Spoiler Warning

White Nights begins in the summer with our narrator, a Dreamer, walking aimlessly through the streets of St. Petersburg looking for things he knows. With many of the city's denizens gone to their dachas (summer homes), the narrator is left behind and is feeling dejected and alone. The man remarks that he, despite having "hardly any" acquaintances, was acquainted with all of Petersburg through a man that he runs into every day and the houses he "talks" to. Despite so many people being gone for the season, the narrator comes across a young woman on a bridge. Though his first attempt at approaching her fails, an encounter between her and a man stalking her leads him to intervene and conversation ensues. While walking her home, he seems to get swept up in the moment and spills his feelings and dreams to her. This does not scare the girl off though and the narrator explains that he has no women to talk to in his life besides landladies. I can personally relate to getting caught up in the excitement of meeting someone new, especially after feeling alone for a long time. This and the narrator's dreamer tendencies are things I find very relatable about him. The girl and the narrator make plans to see each other the next day but she makes one request: that our Dreamer does not fall for her. This almost never works out so at this point I prepared for angst.

When the two meet the next day, we finally find out that the girl’s name is Nastenka, or that is what she tells the narrator to call her, which he is surprised about. My brief time in college taking Russian language courses came in handy here since I figured that it was because Nastenka is the diminutive, or nickname basically for friends or a more casual context, for Anastasia. The narrator was most likely shocked at this since they had just met, and it was very brief at that. Her casual language paired with her following request, that our narrator tells her his life story, tells us that she is already quite comfortable with the man despite saying how she knows nothing about him. First describing himself as a “type”, a “character”, then finally, a “dreamer”, his explanations get more and more whimsical as he goes on. He compares himself to a snail or tortoise, due to them being attached to their homes, then describes a scene where an acquaintance showed up at his home and he was unable to entertain the man and it ends badly, which is something I can relate to. Sometimes you are tossed into social situations, and you feel like, as the narrator said, a “fish out of water”. He speaks of how he often revisits places around the city where he was once happy and celebrates the anniversaries of sensations from his dreams, how he can go somewhere and a year ago he was just as sad but he was free from the "black thoughts" that haunt him now. Then he says something that spoke to me the most out of this section:

“And so I ask myself: 'Where are your dreams?' And I shake my head and mutter: 'How the years go by!' And I ask myself again: 'What have you done with those years? Where have you buried your best moments? Have you really lived? Look,' I say to myself, 'how cold it is becoming all over the world!' And more years will pass and behind them will creep grim isolation. Tottering senility will come hobbling, leaning on a crutch, and behind these will come unrelieved boredom and despair. The world of fancies will fade, dreams will wilt and die and fall like autumn leaves from the trees...”

After dealing with my own mental health problems and losing many aspects of my life because of them, I feel this to my core. You look at your life and feel disappointed and scared because you know time goes on with or without you and you know that you could have lived your life differently than you did if you had made different decisions. But you feel that you cannot even feel regrets over the things you lost because ultimately you cannot change your past and all you are missing out on are dreams you may have now about how things could have been. You feel that it was your fault anyway for spending so much time in your dreams because you did not want to face the reality you exist in, and you are the one who lost all that time. Feeling like you have lost your best years and, eventually, your dreams will fade and you will be left alone. The exciting feeling when you meet someone new that is replaced by the sadness from the knowledge that they will probably not be in your life for long, as so many friendships are fleeting. I see so many of my own emotions from the lowest points in my life in this narrator, but this passage spoke volumes to me.

It is now Nastenka's turn to tell her life story, and it is one of unrequited love between her and another man, which explains her urgency about our narrator not falling in love with her. The man was renting from her very overprotective grandmother and their relationship began with him supplying Nastenka with books. One time they met in the staircase, the man offered to take her to the theater, which she declined as to not upset her grandmother. But the man asked her grandmother if she and Nastenka would like to come, which she happily agreed (funnily enough, the opera that he took them to see, The Barber of Seville, tells the story of lovers trying to be together despite the woman being under the guardianship of an overprotective relative, which her grandmother says she literally played this part when she was younger- quite ironic). This went well and the girl thought the lodger would see her more, but he only visited once a month to take them to the theater, and she saw that he only did it out of pity of her situation. The man returned one evening to tell them that he would be moving to Moscow for one year. That night, the heartbroken girl packed her things and went to see him, to beg to let her come with him. The man then vowed that when he came back, if she was still interested in him, they would be married. This leads us to her current predicament, that she knows he has returned yet he has not contacted her. I feel as though some of the similarities between the narrator and Nastenka are evident here. Both of them have lived lonely lives and when someone new comes around they get caught up in them and end up hurt. Nastenka has been the first woman that our narrator has connected with like this, like the lodger was the first man Nastenka felt she had a connection with, or so she says. While I was reading, I couldn't help but feel that the lodger was not as into Nastenka as she was him, even though he said they could get married when he came back, which just made me feel badly for the girl. She is young and sheltered, it would not be the first time someone who fits that description falls for the first person who shows them kindness. I feel that the girl is struggling between the physical entrapment from her coddling grandmother and the emotional entrapment from the lodger on her heart and she is not making the best decision by still pursuing him.

Regardless, our narrator pledges to assist her in her quest to find the man who left her heartbroken. So he takes a letter from her and says he will deliver it to friends of hers who will pass it on to the lodger. The next night, he has not heard a response from the man, nor has Nastenka. When he arrives, Nastenka seems to be in good spirits, laughing loudly at everything he says, which seems to me that she is hoping that the lodger is watching her nearby and she hopes to make him jealous. I believe this is confirmed when a man walks by them and he drops her hand and when she asks him why, she says she wants the lodger to see how much they like each other. This is where I, once again, began to feel bad for the protagonist. When she accepted that the lodger would not come this night, the girl was being quite affectionate with our narrator again and comparing the lodger to him.

"'I was thinking about you,' she said after a minute's silence. 'You are so kind that I should be a stone if I did not feel it. Do you know what has occurred to me now? I was comparing you two. Why isn't he you? Why isn't he like you? He is not as good as you, though I love him more than you.'"

After a lot of mixed signals, they finally part and the narrator went home "more depressed than I had ever been before".

When they meet again, the lodger is still nowhere to be found and there is some hope for their love story, because Nastenka says she wants to get over the lodger (as she should). The narrator gets fed up with the things she is saying and impulsively confesses his love for her, then tries to leave. But she tells him that her love for the lodger will eventually fade and she can love the protagonist back. While the two seem to be high on puppy love, discussing scenarios in which Nastenka moves in with him and their future together as they walk to "their" future home, a man appears before them. This was the moment that I knew would happen but it was still gut-wrenching when it actually happened. With one final kiss, Nastenka left our dreamer alone again, like he said she would. The next day, he wakes up to a letter from the girl. She asked for his forgiveness, and says he will forget the pain he must feel because he loves her. She also says to keep loving her and hopes that he will be at her wedding. After reading the letting over and over, his maid tells him that she dusted the cobwebs from his ceiling and that he could have a wedding or party (ouch). Then, either caused by a passing cloud or him imagining his lonely, depressing future, he sees his room, the homes outside, and his maid, and himself all aged, living the same solitary life. But he concludes that he will not have resentment for Nastenka, declaring:

“My God, a moment of bliss. Why, isn't that enough for a whole lifetime?”

[beewolfwrites]

The Oar in the Sand: Chapter Twenty-Two - The Beginning of the End

Just another update from me! Sorry if this is a messy chapter, I’m literally so tired today :(

But I really hope you enjoy!

___________________________________________________

The silence draped over the prison like fallout. The obsessive whispers of Yaba and Kotoko fell on deaf ears, and I barely even registered Chishiya’s footsteps as he walked away from the cell. Ippei’s cell. Or at least, his remains. 

Ippei never did see the sunrise. He never saw the dawn sliding over the city. He would lie in an unmarked grave, having passed away in an everlasting nighttime - a constant nightmare. And that thought alone was too much to bear.

The sunrise spilled into my cell through a window on the back wall that I hadn’t been able to see until now. Sitting on the floor of my cell, fists clenched around my collar, I knew that this was it. 

The beginning of the end. 

My head spun as I tried to stand. The darkness, the exhaustion, the solitude… it was in my bones, wearing me down from the inside. But if I ended this game right here, I would be finally be able to feel the dawn on my face, not through the windowpanes, but outside in the summer breeze. I would be able to do what Ippei couldn’t. And now that he was gone, everything had changed. 

Chishiya doesn’t have a partner anymore. 

There was a deep seated anger raging within me. However, even if I wanted to scream and spit in his face, I also wanted him to live. But I was helpless in this cell. I couldn’t do much for him unless he came to me first, and Chishiya was far too proud for that. The only reassurance I had was that Chishiya had a knack for surviving no matter what. 

Knowing him, he’ll come up with a strategy. He always does. 

But, it wasn’t Chishiya whom I hated more than anything - it was the Jack of Hearts. For ruining us, for destroying so many lives, for creating a game this cruel, this inhumane. 

I can’t wait to see him fall. 

I paced and paced around my cell, mulling things over and staving off sleep, only to freeze when I noticed a dark shape in the mesh window of the door. A face. But not the one I was expecting.

‘Enji,’ I said. 

It was strange seeing him here. Banda must have been in a secret meeting with Yaba, otherwise Enji would never have strayed near. He was pressed right up against the door. You,’ he whispered. ‘Who are you.’ 

‘You already know my name.’ 

He ignored the comment. ‘Tell me, are you a citizen or a player?’ 

‘And why do you need to know?’ 

‘I need to know if you’re the Jack.’ 

I stepped closer until I could see every line that marred his skin. ‘I think we both know that I’m not.’ 

He scoffed, and I had never hated someone more. ‘You seem confident for someone who’ll die by the next round.’ 

I merely smiled at him. ‘That’s because I am confident.’ 

It was only when he tilted his head that I saw it. A slight blue sheen, lurking just beneath the locks of hair covering his face. I wouldn’t have noticed it if not for the daylight. His left eye was obviously a prosthetic, which would explain why he kept it covered. But prosthetic eyes didn’t usually have a sheen to them. Not unless they were electronic.  

Is that how?

What a disgusting tactic. 

It seemed that Enji hadn’t noticed me staring. ‘You can’t win this game,’ he said. ‘Even if you’re the last player standing, the Jack will always win.’ 

‘I wouldn’t be too sure of that.’ 

I stared him in his prosthetic eye — a move which he seemed to dislike as he backed away from the window, grumbling something under his breath before leaving for the guardroom. In a way, I was glad he paid me a visit. It would only make winning the game that little bit easier. 

And more satisfying.

Stewing in my cell, I mentally prepared myself for Banda’s final visit. With only six players left, this would be the last round: Round Thirteen. And there was only one titbit of information that I had left to offer. 

I splashed some water on my face, more impatient than ever to end this constant silence. Now that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I was itching to get there, whatever it took. And so, when Banda finally rolled around to my cell, appearing in the window just as Enji had earlier, I snapped at him. 

‘What took you so long?’ 

Banda smiled calmly. ‘You’re too impatient.’

‘We can’t waste time,’ I insisted. ‘The Jack will have already started making his move.’ 

‘Then tell me who the Jack is,’ he said. 

Not so fast. 

As always, I moved my hair out of the way to expose the back of my collar. ‘You’ll have to tell me my suit first.’ 

He sighed, impatient. ‘You’re a Diamond.’

‘Thank you,’ I said, letting my hair fall back into place. If I wanted to end this game, I had to make this exchange count. ‘Have you swapped suits with Enji yet?’ 

‘No. He’s still down in the cafeteria with that guy, Chishiya.’ 

My breath hitched. 

Chishiya’s down there with him?

If I had to hazard a guess, Chishiya would be trying to convince Enji to tell him his suit. In that case, Enji would most definitely tell him wrong one to throw Chishiya off and eliminate him. 

‘So Enji is the Jack of Hearts…’ Banda mused, breaking me out of my reverie. He must have figured it out from my expression. ‘That does explain the cookies,’ he added.  

I tried to explain everything clearly, even if I wasn’t sure whether I was making sense. ‘He’s going to tell you the wrong suit. And he’ll tell Kotoko the wrong suit and ask her to lie to Yaba. Right now, he’s down there probably lying to Chishiya too. He must be banking on me being the only one left, and losing by default. His plan is to be the last man standing.’ 

‘I see.’ Banda nodded slowly. ‘I suppose I’ll just have to lie to him.’ 

I shook my head. ‘It won’t work,’ I told him. ‘Enji’s eye is a prosthetic, the one he keeps covered. But it’s not a normal prosthetic. I can’t prove it, but I have a feeling he’s using it to check his suit.’ 

Banda looked thoroughly unconvinced. ‘And how exactly would you know this?’

‘He came here before, when you were meeting with Yaba. I saw his eye, and it was strange. Prosthetics are normally made of glass, but this one had a sheen to it, like a cat’s eye. It was electronic. I think it could be linked to his collar.’  

‘The rules said that—’

‘The rules said that players can’t use reflective objects to cheat,’ I clarified. ‘They didn’t say anything about the Jack.’ 

‘In other words, Enji can’t lose,’ Banda surmised.  

Now that I thought about it properly, it was so obvious. He had given himself away right from the start — a true One-Eyed Jack. 

‘Well this is interesting.’ Banda muttered, thinking deeply. ‘So lying to him won’t actually work. I suppose I’ll have to make him want to choose the wrong suit.’ 

Huh? Why would he purposely choose the wrong suit?

‘That makes no sense,’ I said. ‘He wouldn’t do that.’ 

Banda smiled darkly, but it didn’t reach his dead eyes. ‘I can be very convincing when I want to be.’  He stepped away from the window, looking into the guardroom. ‘Enji will be back any time now. The next time we meet, the game will be over.’ 

With that, he left. Once again, all I could do was wait. I had given him the information he needed, and for the time being, there was nothing I could do directly. It was clear that Banda had something in store for Enji, something to convince him to intentionally lie, but as for what? It was beyond me. All I wanted was to get out of this damn cell. 

How long was left? Fifteen minutes? Twenty? I couldn’t sit still in my cell, knowing that it was all out of my control now. It was also worrying me a little that Chishiya hadn’t stopped by once. I couldn’t help but wonder whether he really was too proud to stop by my cell and ask for his suit, or if he was angry at me for ignoring his advice? 

 I don’t know how long I waited before the same, calm feminine voice chimed out. 

‘THE HOUR IS ALMOST OVER. PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE CELLS.’

This is it. 

The moment Enji’s tower would come crumbling down around him. Even if I didn’t want to, I had to trust in Banda. None of us could leave the venue until Enji was dead, and so long as he had that prosthetic eye, he couldn’t die. 

I just hope he knows what he’s doing.  

One by one, they all filed into the cell block. First Chishiya, followed by Banda and Enji. Judging by the murmurs I could hear from downstairs, Yaba and Kotoko were on the floor just below us.

‘IT IS TIME TO MAKE YOUR GUESS. EVERYONE, PLEASE ENTER A CELL. ONE PERSON PER CELL, PLEASE.’

Without speaking, everyone turned into their individual cells. But what took me by surprise was seeing Chishiya choose a different cell this time. He was no longer directly opposite me, but several doors down instead. 

He doesn’t want anything to do with me… that must be it. 

I couldn’t think about him right now. He was clearly too stubborn to act as my backup and confirm my suit. But it didn’t matter. I had to trust that Banda was telling the truth. He had yet to lie, and if he wanted me dead, I would’ve been splattered across the walls by now. I stepped away from the door, my heart erratic with anticipation. 

‘PLEASE MAKE YOUR GUESS.’

Please let it be the truth. 

‘ダイヤ,’ I said. Diamond. 

I didn’t know what I expected to happen, but there was nothing. No noise. No shouts. No explosions. 

‘Is that it—?’

A wet bang echoed through the block, coming directly from below. My heart shuddered as I listened for any signs of life. Yaba or Kotoko - it could have been either of them. Our success depended on it. 

But which one? 

There was a whirring noise as the lock clicked and buzzer sounded. And even then… none of the cell doors opened. I crept closer to the window, trying to see what was going on.

Chishiya couldn’t have… he couldn’t!

Finally, there was a creak as a cell door slowly opened. I took a sharp breath, hoping to see blond hair and a familiar smirk. However, it was not Chishiya, but Enji who stepped out. He took one look around the empty block. 

‘I won,’ he murmured. 

Slowly, his face cracked into a grin. A small chuckle escaped his lips, building and building until he was laughing like a madman basking in his victory. He spun, eyes glinting as he spotted me, stricken behind my door. 

‘I told you, didn’t I? The Jack will always win.’ He stepped closer, oozing with a confidence he had hidden so well. ‘And now, since just just the two of us, you’ll die by default. Just as I said you would.’ 

The world came crashing down around me, and I was stunned into silence, unable to believe what I was seeing. Was this really the end of the road? Not for him. But for all of us. For me. It wasn’t quite how I thought I would go. 

I closed my eyes as they welled with unshed tears. 

I’m sorry…

A door creaked open. And within seconds, the world righted itself. 

‘Just as I thought, you’re the Jack of Hearts.’ 

That familiar voice… that smirk… he had the nerve to walk out of his cell with his hands in his pockets, as though he hadn’t just cheated death as his own game. My heart swelled with relief, hurt, anger. 

Enji was frozen in place. ‘How?’ 

Overconfident as usual, Chishiya didn’t hold back. ‘I saw when you and that murderer, Banda, paired up. Even if you were impressed by what Banda said, there’s no way anyone could be so accepting of a stranger that quickly.’ His eyes slid over to mine. ‘You certainly weren’t with her.’

A part of me wondered whether Chishiya had wanted me to pair with them just for that purpose. And if so, it only fuelled the anger burning within me, being used as a tool to aid his strategies. But there was something else he said that gave me pause; he had called Banda a murderer. 

Is that what he meant earlier, when he said that he was dangerous?

I had never heard of a murderer named Banda Sunato. But then, I hadn’t been able to understand Japanese newspapers. 

There was a clang of metal as another cell door opened, and speaking of the devil, Banda’s smooth voice sounded through the cell block. ‘There aren’t many people who’d approach someone like me,’ he said. ‘And if you tried to kill me, then you’re either scheming, you’re just a plain idiot, a psychopath or a sociopath.’ 

Enji’s hands began to shake. ‘You… why did you?’ 

‘To find out which one you were, I decided to play along. You thought that you could control me.’ Banda took calm, measured steps towards Enji, who didn’t dare move. ‘You were also confident that you were superior to everyone else. It’s why you treated our third group member like dirt.’ 

’The more important your position is,’ Chishiya interjected, ‘the more your confidence manifests itself. Just like the Jack of Hearts.’ 

Enji’s shook his head. ‘Sorry, but it’s not me,’ he insisted, and pointed at Banda. ‘Banda is the Jack.’ 

The accusation was lost as footsteps sounded from the stairwell, the echo drawing everyone’s attention. From within my cell, I tried to angle my head against the window so that I could see better. 

‘It’s such a shame…’ Yaba’s voice rang out from the stairwell as he casually emerged into the block. ‘But it’s not Banda.’ 

Yaba strolled towards us, suit sharper than ever despite the situation at hand. Enji’s face flashed with confusion, and it was so wonderful to see. 

Your plan didn’t work…

‘You were in cahoots with Kotoko,’ Yaba said. ‘I told Kotoko her real suit, but she still died. It means somebody else was controlling her.’

‘Then—’ Enji frantically doubled back, pointing at Chishiya. ‘Then that guy must be the Jack!’ 

Calm as ever, Chishiya strolled towards my cell. I watched through the grate as he removed whatever was jamming the lock and opened my cell door. It was like taking a breath of fresh air, as I finally stepped out. The cell block seemed huge after being stuck in such a cramped space, the concrete ceilings stretching on forever. I had to lean against the wall to keep up my strength, but it didn’t matter. Anything was better than being in that cave.  

‘What did you just do?’ Enji spluttered. 

‘I noticed it earlier in the cafeteria,’ Chishiya replied, then tilted his head towards me, ‘but I wasn’t the only one.’

‘スナック,’ I said, trying to remember my grammar once more. The snacks. ‘あなたと琴子はおやつを使ってコミュニケーションをとっていた’ You and Kotoko used the snacks to communicate. 

‘That’s ridiculous,’ Enji sneered. ‘What kind of theory is that?’ 

‘それらのクッキー’, I continued. Those cookies. ‘四つの色があった. 四つの味.’ There were four colours. Four flavours. 

‘And four suits,’ Chishiya concluded, as I struggled to find the right words. As I spoke once more, he began to translate for me. 

‘Every time I ran into Kotoko,’ I explained, ‘she was alone in the cafeteria. I noticed that you and her would get the same kinds of snacks. Whenever I joked about it to you, you would get mad at me. I didn’t realise why at the time, but I figured it out pretty quickly. Both of you pretended that you were being controlled, when in fact you were using the snacks to confirm that your suits were correct.’

Yaba made a noise of agreement. ‘You told Kotoko to lie to me about my suit. I really did trust her, except at the end.’ 

Enji’s eyes flitted between the four of us, his breaths coming more and more unsteadily with every passing second. ‘When did you guys all start working together?’ 

‘In the opening announcement for this game,’ Yaba said, ‘they said that it’s a test of how much you trust others.’ He began to walk slowly toward Banda. ‘We simply followed that advice. The best way to build trust isn’t through persuasion, manipulation, or even domination… nor is it through brainwashing or manipulation, deception, fear.’ He stopped at Banda’s side, standing shoulder to shoulder with him. ‘It’s equality.’ 

Enji’s jaw turned slack as he realised what he was faced with. ‘No… no, that can’t be!’ He spun on his heel and pointed at me. ‘You weren’t working with any of them. You could still be the Jack!’ 

‘すでにそれを試しました,’ I muttered. You already tried that once.  

His eyes burned into mine. ‘Who the hell are you?’ 

Chishiya stepped closer towards me. ‘She’s my partner.’ 

I scowled, and moved further away. 

Like hell you are. 

From behind Enji, I saw Banda’s eyes narrow with realisation. I had always been unsure of whether he would figure out that Chishiya was confirming the suits he gave me. But if his expression was anything to go by, Banda had no idea. 

‘What?’ Enji cried out. ‘You two…’ His eyes darted between Chishiya and I. ‘It’s still possible that one of you is the Jack of Hearts! Maybe I did try to deceive you guys, but you can’t assume I’m the Jack based on that!’

‘I wouldn’t be so sure,’ Chishiya interjected smoothly. ‘If those two were so sure that you’re the Jack, then why didn’t Banda lie to you in the last round and try to kill you? They must have formed some kind of deal’ He circled around Enji, uttering his next words with a knowing smirk. ‘Maybe they’re going to get some information out of you.’ 

Banda and Yaba stalked towards Enji, and now I knew what Banda had planned. What he had said earlier finally clicked in the worst way possible… 

“I can be very convincing when I want to be.”

So that was Banda’s true nature. I swallowed, shivers running all along my skin. They were going to torture him until he gave up and lied about his suit.  

‘You can’t!’ Enji cried, as Banda took him by the arm, Yaba grabbing the other. ‘You can’t do this!’ 

I stood straighter as I stared Enji down. ‘他に選択肢はない,’ I said. There’s no other option. I frowned at that stupid flop of hair covering half his face. ‘その目… 首輪につながっているね.’ That eye of yours… it’s linked to your collar, isn’t it? 

Enji’s face crumpled as he realised that I had seen right through his rigged game. He thrashed wildly against the two restraining him. But it was useless as Yaba and Banda dragged him into a cell. It felt good, in a messed up way. I thought of Ippei, of the older woman, Headband, Glasses, all the lives that were wasted in this place. This prison smelled like death. But now, the dawn had risen. 

Yaba and Banda closed the cell door behind them, and I stepped forward, trying to see what they were doing to him. However, before I could get any closer, Chishiya’s hand wrapped around my arm. I shook him off instantly, pulling away as though his touch had burned me. 

‘Don’t,’ I said quietly. ‘Just don’t.’ 

Chishiya’s mouth tilted into a half-smile. ‘Don’t what? Save your life?’ 

‘What do you mea—?’

The cell door opened once more, revealing Banda. He was holding a straight razor in one hand, and his eyes shifted between me and Chishiya. Something didn’t feel right. There was a strange smile on his face, as though he was laughing at a private joke.

‘What?’ I asked him. ‘Aren’t you going to finish off Enji so we can leave by the next round?’

Banda inspected the razor in his hand. ‘I have plenty of time to enjoy Enji,’ he said. ‘But you’re finally out of that cell.’ 

The razor glinted, clean and beautiful in its danger. And all at once, I came to an understanding. The reason why Banda had wanted me alive. 

Banda Sunato, the murderer… 

‘It’s a shame that you two were secretly partners all this time,’ he murmured. ‘But I can still make this work.’ 

The world slowed as Banda strode towards me, gripping the razor blade in one hand. My body wouldn’t move. It couldn’t. And all I could see was that razor and those dead, dead eyes, suddenly filled with a darkness I hadn’t noticed before. 

Banda is…

The crack of a gunshot ricocheted through the cell block. I leapt out of the way, as did Banda, and I stumbled to the ground with my palms pressed to my ears. The sound burst through my head, echoing and echoing until I realised that my ears were ringing. 

And then I raised my head, finally noticing the pistol in Chishiya’s outstretched hand. 

[youknowwhoiamperiod]

hello ariel!

would you tell me something mermaidghost? anything you want to talk about for the ship, something you’ve been dying to share but just haven’t had the chance yet, or a little detail you think should get more love. your choice!

xoxo sunnie (@fic-over-cannon)

sunnie sweetheart heyyy!! you've been on my mind all morning during english class since the topic this semester is film analysis hehe,, i'm so sorry it took me so long to answer this i've just been so busy preparing for uni :((( hope you've been well!!

aaaaaaa simon has been on my mind way too frequently this summer and i fear the brainrot is only getting deeper... ever since i discovered the cod franchise he's been my fav among the 141 mainly cause he reminded me so much of jason (specifically ak) but also not at all?? they're so similar in their critical thinking and acting but simultaneously could not be any more different? like. i don't know. and he's just so fascinating as a character it's dizzying. his persona just opens up so many possibilities and i thought my interest was tamed and moderate at first until aurore started cod posting... unleashing a beast within me....

mermaidghost is a ship that originally was intended to be very tragic. i'm a psychologist hired to work with the 141 studying their ennemies and targets but also keeping track of their mental state... and in all honesty simon's character is not just a walking red flag he's a literal siren sounding. trying to break through him for professional purposes is already a challenge and i don't think he'd necessarily be the worst person to date ever and beyond saving but i wanted to keep it realistic so knowing myself i really wouldn't be able to go on with someone like him. but somehow angel aurore once again broke my fourth wall and i decided to opt for a happy ending but we (he) have to work for it and it takes us a break and years apart to finally come around, making you question if it was truly worth it...

i think what i love the most about this ship and i told aurore about it is the implication that comes with it!!! i'm thinking of a man who's been turned to a weapon meant to destroy every human life he's ordered to. one who makes his adversaries wiggle in fear at the sight of his shadow because they won't live long enough to get a grasp of the brute of a man standing behind them. a silence broken by a bullet sounding is the last thing they hear as it pierces through them and a haze slowly falling upon their eyes before the light flickers out of them, a blurry ghost mask being the last picture they have of this world. a man who has been hardened by his past and time on earth over and over again erasing any type of fear from his dna, a foreign feeling that he's now overwhelmed with as the terror of falling for his best pal's little sister who's desperately trying to break into his psyche befalls upon him. a woman who's laying down her life for the belief of resurrecting broken human lives by the power of the brain and giving everybody a chance for a peaceful life. he's so tormented cause he doesn't deserve to be haunting the mind of someone who stands for everything he's been trained against and he doesn't deem it fair that i'm wasting my time on trying to get him to love me when he's the least deserving of affection and a coward who hides behind a mask, a ghost, the cage locking simon riley from this world. it's such a complex and delicate situation like he holds himself in the lowest standards and i'm just trying to get him out of his own head to realize that he's worth so much more...

anyway i've rambled a lot but he's truly been eating at my brain and i just love love love this type of dynamic... thank you sm for indulging me sunnie sweetheart mwah!!!!

[firediamondsv]

Fighting, Part Four

This is the story of how, 10 years ago today, Valtor and I defeated his creators for the first time.

Part one can be found here.

Part two can be found here.

Part three can be found here.

4's Ever Growing Hatred of FireDiamond

As Valtor unintentionally evoked intense emotion in others during Winx 3, together we caused 4 to feel increasingly strong hatred of us. Because of this hatred, he would eventually make a fatal error in terms of the continued life of his happenings.

To try to break Valtor and I apart once and for all, he planned to find the only beings that hated Valtor more strongly than he did: the Ancestral Witches. Aware that he would not be able to control them but that they'd likely follow his plan anyway, he'd bring them to Naomi, and Valtor and I would be busy dealing with them while 4 attempted to take out Naomi 6.

Through my connection to Naomi, given to me years before by Starana, I was able to look ahead a year before and see that this would happen. 4 would bring Valtor's creators to Naomi in summer 2014. Since I saw that in 2013, we had time to prepare.

Naomi 8

Since we knew we would all have to fight together, the members of Naomi 6 agreed to officially consider Valtor a part of the group. Although he was initially reluctant to join, he eventually agreed only because he wouldn't be able to defeat them on his own. I prefer even numbers, though, so I invited my other friend, Kristiana, to join us as well. (I'll do a whole post for her story eventually.) The first happening of 2014, one of four, was dedicated to the eight of us figuring out how to fight 4 together.

Naomi 8 Working Well Together

By the second happening of 2014, Naomi 8 knew how to work well together. As I also predicted the year before, 4 became overwhelmed by trying to fight eight people at one time and began to find a solution to this problem. The end of this happening saw 4 attempting to find where Valtor's creators were in the multidimensional universe. If Valtor had gone to nonexistence when he was destroyed, could his creators have experienced a similar fate?

The happening ended with all of us believing that he had failed to locate them.

4 Brings Valtor's Creators to Naomi

But 4 was always excellent at lying.

Even though we had a year to prepare, as the day drew nearer, both Valtor and I began to feel anxiety and dread. I didn't blame him for not wanting to face his creators again, especially with how they hurt him at the end of his time in Winx, but we both knew that we had to do this for him to find the comfortable existence that he always deserved.

We'd face them together.

Inevitably, that day came. 4 found them and told them that Valtor had escaped from nonexistence and was existing as happily as he possibly could in another dimension. He brought them to Naomi, and we knew it was time. For the first time since the end of Winx 3, Valtor faced his creators again. This time, however, he had a multidimensional who was very capable of protecting him, both physically and mentally, by his side.

At first, his creators only focused on him, but 4 eventually hinted at my involvement as well. Rather than letting 4 tell them, I told them myself that I had helped Valtor escape from nonexistence. We were friends, and I had given him everything they tried to take away from him. He deserves a better existence, and so we'd fight them together, whatever it took, so that he can have that.

And it took a lot. They tried various ways of hurting Valtor with the eventual goal of sending him back to nonexistence permanently and breaking us apart. They knew how to hurt him, both physically and emotionally. They even turned his own control against him, forcing him to attack the rest of Naomi 8 and other people in Winx they hated. I eventually broke that control. Every time they hurt him, I was there to try to heal that hurt. I didn't know if it would be enough. But I had to keep trying, at least until the happening ended.

And it did. 4 was imprisoned in Naomi jail yet again, and Valtor's creators returned to their dimension, a smaller dimension attached to Winx.

The worst was yet to come.

The Happening to End All Happenings

A few years later, as he had become very skilled at doing, 4 escaped from Naomi jail again, and the final Naomi happening began. He called Valtor's creators back to Naomi. Although this was still an emotionally difficult experience for Valtor, we were now used to dealing with them. We had both helped each other gain confidence. We would need it.

After another month or so of fighting back against their attempts to hurt me and retraumatize Valtor, 4 helped them come up with a plan that could break us apart once and for all. They were going to destroy Naomi.

With the rest of Naomi 8 imprisoned by 4, me stuck in their dimension forced to watch, and Valtor trapped in Naomi, we couldn't stop them. They destroyed the dimension I loved so deeply and that I had a part in creating. I also knew this was coming, so the people had time to evacuate, but everything that Starana and I built together was gone. I was heartbroken. Crushed. I didn't know how to go on. But maybe Valtor survived. I needed to know that, at least.

I returned to the damaged and barren Naomi, sensing Valtor under a pile of debris. He was still conscious somehow, and he helped me move it off of him. I collapsed in his arms, crying. I couldn't fix this. Everything was lost.

But he told me I could. He never stopped believing in me. I had done so many impossible things already: helping him escape from nonexistence, convincing him that I was trustworthy, allowing him to find the better existence he never thought he could have. He told me that I was strong, and that he knew there was a way to fix this.

With my spirits lifted, I began to believe in myself as well. In the main building, there's a crystal that provides all the energy that Naomi needs. Starana created it years ago. I also had some of her energy in the necklace I always wore. Maybe, just maybe, I could use that energy to recreate the dimension.

Valtor told me to run. He would distract his creators. I told him to be careful and moved as quickly as I could to the main building. I made it to that floor, put my hands on either side of the Starana crystal, and hoped. Even if this was technically possible, I had never done anything like this before. I didn't know what I was doing. I couldn't reach out to Starana, and even though Valtor was confidently telling them everything he had always wanted to, he was still in danger. They were about to destroy him again. I couldn't do this. I can't do this. I don't have the energy for it. It's impossible.

But you've done the impossible so many times.

With that thought reappearing, deep in my mind, I knew what I had to do. Suddenly, bright light appeared all around me. It was strong enough to push them away from Valtor and force them to leave the dimension. Everything started to rebuild. I was doing it, for Valtor, for the people of Naomi, for all my friends and everything this dimension means to us. Naomi had been saved.

I joined Valtor on the balcony of the main building. We had done it. We defeated them. Naomi was safe, and it would be forever. The worst of this happening was over. I held his hand up in victory as the rest of Naomi 8, also victorious against 4, and the people of Naomi returned to the dimension, happy to see us shining in the light of the Starana crystal. Nothing like this would ever happen again. It was over. We had all made it through. Everything would be okay. And Naomi has been peaceful for 10 years.

Art by the incredibly talented @genesisdrawsofficial.

[glittertomb]

Very personal but important question(s?) regarding chronic health issues and disability

So I’ve had fibromyalgia and Gastroparesis for about a decade now, and I try my best to self-manage these issues (in addition to the expensive meds they give me that don’t really provide relief), but it becomes severely difficult for me to work a full schedule, particularly when my job drains me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I spend my days off in complete recovery mode, absolutely bed-ridden, afraid to do anything social or physical, because I risk going into a total Fibro meltdown. Which is a nightmare, but I’ll spare you the details.

I’ve been considering applying for partial disability because I think working 3 or 4 days instead of 5 or 6 would be much better for most humans, honestly, but particular for someone like me who deals with chronic nausea, discomfort, and pain on the daily. I’ve been putting it off for ages though because I know that disability can be very difficult to get and a horrible process and I can’t work myself up to it or afford a disability lawyer to help me. I tried being a little more aggressive this past summer and collected “documentation” on my fibromyalgia in the hope of preparing to submit it, and literally all of my documentation says “fibromyalgia?” because apparently none of my doctors believe me after years of testing and thousands of dollars of office visits trying to get this diagnosis. To be honest, using fibromyalgia as my reasoning for disability needs was a dead end anyway because lots of doctors still don’t believe it exists, so I doubt the government would find that a good reason either. And I really doubt they would take the Gastroparesis seriously either, even though both of these conditions are dehabilitating at times.

So one of my friends recommended I go through the avenue of my mental health issues. At different points of my life I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, adhd, etc, and who knows what the real answer is, but she’s a mess. I’ve been realizing over the past couple years that I’m very likely autistic, and that would actually explain a lot of these things, but the past 6 months have been crazy, and even though I’ve been working a bunch, I’m poorer than ever because of the rising cost of everything, so I cannot afford to get a formal diagnosis yet. But I know that I told my most recent psychiatrist all these horror stories about my anxiety, so I decided to get done documentation for her too, and guess what? Generalized depression and mild anxiety. Girl, huh? (Tw: blood and dermatillomania coming up) I showed her evidence of scars on my hands from picking my hands every night til I bleed everywhere, I described how I get overwhelmed and cry at work several times a week and often fight back panic attacks at work and in my private life, I told her than I struggled to fall asleep and stay asleep and only got collectively about a few hours every night, I told her that I literally could not socialize without using alcohol as a crutch but I can no longer do that because of my digestive issues so I self-isolate, I told her that I struggle to maintain eye contact and panic when people give me eye contact… so many stories like these. Mild anxiety smdh

So that comes to my first question cause I guess I decided while writing this that I have a couple:

1) How do you, as a female-presenting person, get a diagnosis for severe anxiety? How wild do my stories have to be without accidentally committing myself?! I have an ex, amab, who basically pulled a john Mulaney and was like, “I get nervous on planes sometimes” and he legit got a prescription for Xanax or one of those other big ones, and another who is on a dose of gabapentin 5x the strength of mine because he gets social anxiety sometimes, so this is especially frustrating that I can’t even get a dang proper diagnosis on anything after ten+ years of therapy, doctors, tests, everything.

2) What is the process like for getting an autism diagnosis and are there cheaper routes you can go that would still be credible? I’ve exhausted my expenses from years of jobs not paying my worth combined with money poured down the drain trying to get any sort of help with my kaleidoscope of issues, and at this point I’m too broke and demotivated and burnt out to figure out a way forward.

3. Has anyone been able to get partial or full disability who would be willing to hold my hand through the steps and keep me motivated? I know it’s a huge ask but I honestly get so anxious even thinking about the process that I completely shut down. At the very least, maybe you could explain what worked for you or how you would approach it better next time? I just moved far away from my support group so I’m feeling alone and even a word of caution or encouragement would help.

I know I’m not really as connected to this community as I used to be, but I’m hoping someone will get to the end of this and even a kind word or a smidge of sympathy/empathy would be nice. And please do reach out if you have fibro because I don’t meet many and it would be nice to have friends who can relate. Thank you for listening! 💜💜💜