#mentally ill sun man me beloved

[o-i-w-u]

voices

....well that took too long

edit: HEY I REDREW THIS POST! GO LOOK AT IT HERE

[bougainvillea-and-saltwater]

Hellloooo there! 💖💖💖 I come bearing questions for both Jia and Miraak, my beloveds!

3. weapon of choice? any particular reason they chose their weapon?

7. favorite animal? why?

9. favorite food? least favorite? are they a picky eater? do they have any dietary restrictions?

11. what do they have in common with you? how are they different? would you get along with them?

17. how did they spend their summers/free time as a child?

19. are they quick to anger? what sets them off?

24. do they have any creative hobbies? (art, writing, music, etc)

🧡ask game🧡

OUAARGH SO MANY QUESTIONS FOR THE BLORBOS...😭🥺 Thank you so so so much, my friend, both Jia and Miraak kiss you and love you! 🥰

3. That's actually a very interesting question and something I look forward to writing in TPATD! First off, Jia is a spellsword, so she mostly uses a conjured sword, bow, or dagger—she likes being light on her feet, so she doesn't carry too much weight on her. Miraak, on the other hand, is a battlemage so he also relies on his magic as well as blunt and blade weapons. BUT! At some point in their story, two specific weapons will be their absolute signature weapons... For Miraak that will be the Staff of Magnus and for Jia Auriel's Shield; they'll both have SUCH badass moments while utilizing their powers... Let's say that these weapons kind of chose their owners! 👀

7. Oh, that's a difficult one because they're both so in love with nature it's challenging to pick just one! I'd say for Jia every kind of bird—swallows, sparrows, ravens, owls, falcons, hummingbirds, skylarks, starlings, wrens, you name it! If it's feathered and winged, she loves it! For Miraak, I believe he would eventually end up choosing sea mammals. After all, growing up in Jylkurfyk and having the Sea of Ghost's cetacean awe before his very eyes, it's only natural!

9. Picky eaters??? Dietary restrictions??? Hell no, these two dragons can eat literally everything. Jia has a huge sweet tooth, so anything that has sugar in it, she'll devour it—her favorites are either snowberry crostata or lavender dumplings! And Miraak—while he likes sweets like her, he's more inclined to the savory food. He favors salty and spicy meals, so put every herb inside his broth and he'll purr like a content cat.

11. Hmm... I'd said before that Jia is my self-insert in many things. I believe that her anxiety, her dangerous balance between confidence and insecurity, and her avoidance are some of our shared negatives. Her loyalty, her selflessness, her need to nurture and protect her loved ones, and her love for the world, are our shared positives. I'm not as courageous and resourceful as her, and she's not as jolly and humorous as I am, so I only hope we take more traits from one another! As for Miraak... He's written as both my idealized man as well as the male version of myself—again, his love for nature and arts, aka his inclination to music and poetry, his general awkwardness, and his cringey social attitude are definitely my vibes. I'd get along very well with both of them, really. I don't know if they'd like me though. I'd invade their personal space with frequent hugs.

17. I want you to make the mental pictures: imagine a little Jia escaping the Companions' training sessions, and either carrying a pile of books taller than her, sitting in Jorrvaskr's garden and trying to read under the sun (even though she couldn't yet, those books were her father's and were written in Old Cyrodilic), or plucking every single alchemy ingredient she could find around, shoving it into her mouth and having Skjor and Kodlak scold her. And then, in some parallel universe, imagine a little Miraak with his bare feet and dirty, threadbare clothes escaping his father's exhausting chores, and either singing around Jylkurfyk, helping his mother heal the ill, or getting taught magic by her, when she had free time...🥰

19. I think I've described this before, but yes, Jia is very quick to anger and she has no patience whatsoever. Her anger ignites like wildfire, and it's a very difficult feat to calm herself from her wrath. That's one of her greatest weaknesses as she becomes uncontrollable and lethal, nearly losing her sanity... Miraak, on the other hand, keeps his cool in his anger. In contrast with Jia's, his is like ice spears—precise, but no less deadly than her firestorm. It's this juxtaposition I have set on them, of ice and fire, both different but destructive in their own way.

24. Jia is certainly less artistic than Miraak but... is gardening considered a creative hobby? 🤔 If yes, she can spend many many hours in her garden, tending her plants and vegetables, planting, watering, weeding, fertilizing, pruning, and harvesting to promote the growth and health of her cultivations. If baking, alchemy experimenting, studying, and making little diaries of useful bits of information and facts are considered creative hobbies I'm also adding those. Miraak is a bit more creative, art-wise. He sings and psalms a lot when no one's listening (except Jia), he writes poems to her like the sappy man he is, and he sews with Alteration Magic so his magic needles are always enchanted and his clothes always shimmer with magicka. 🥰

[bhsiwoo]

ㅤㅤㅤㅤerase me from here (and set me free) crocus, present time. mentions of brief death, mental illness. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ @bheunjoo

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ

the cold air irritates his skin as though there aren't cracks left already on siwoo from the familiar yet uninvited season. crocus has always been unkind to the man; a reminder of his nightmare that never seemed to end.

today marks the third year of his late wife's passing.

the sun long bids him goodbye as night settles. he's been at the beach for hours, the entire day if you will, yet no one finds him ― not that he had anyone left to welcome him home or missed him anyway. his home becomes a reminder of joohyun and the little yet fondest memories they had in their time of marriage. if siwoo had to spend dreading his day missing his beloved entirely then he best do it at the beach, a place joohyun is fond of being the child of water that she is.

his reminiscing comes short. interrupted. the man finds himself turning to source the sound of dragging feet against rough sand. there shouldn't be anyone else that comes by this beach. it is secluded and far off from town even; reasons why joohyun and himself had at first found themselves here by accident many years back. a small part of siwoo almost felt angry that something so private that belonged to joohyun and his memory had been tainted with the presence of another ― that of all days and the only day he wants to be selfish is the day he cannot be accommodated of such traits. he knows no one could particularly own this piece of land and anyone can come freely at any time. yet, was it wrong for him to have this moment for himself?

his 'punishment' of being selfish comes short when he sees an imagery of joohyun in front of him.

"joohyun..?" the man finds himself mumbling, double taking at the woman before him if his illness had been resurfacing since he is sure that he has not one bit of alcohol in his system.

he finds himself reaching his hand out while his mind had already send him signals that dead people do not come to life especially after three years where he had personally been there to see and hold her cold body in his arms.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ

except this time he gets to hold on to an unfamiliar warm arm.

[jess-themess05]

I posted 901 times in 2022

That's 901 more posts than 2021!

117 posts created (13%)

784 posts reblogged (87%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@theohnocorral

@basyacriptid

@lovelymoonmagic

@ice-reblogs

I tagged 778 of my posts in 2022

Only 14% of my posts had no tags

#fnaf sun - 186 posts

#fnaf security breach - 179 posts

#fnaf daycare attendant - 167 posts

#fnaf moon - 159 posts

#fnaf - 123 posts

#beloved mutuals - 69 posts

#mutual shenanigans - 63 posts

#fnaf security breach au - 48 posts

#fnaf au - 38 posts

#fnaf eclipse - 34 posts

Longest Tag: 127 characters

#despite probably putting the fear of god in everyone who came across you admitting to have drunk fire starter and sulfuric acid

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

tehehe yes spider lmao

Actually im shoked I didn't saw anyone draw him like that before, bc he is litteraly

CREATUR CRAWLING ON WALLS AND HIS WIRE IS LITTERALY LIKE SPIDER WEB!!!

hmm

checks out.

53 notes - Posted October 27, 2022

#4

oh hey a finished art piece

wow would ya look at that

in case you’ve never heard of this fanfic tHIS

this is the bug love fanfic! by @theohnocorral respectfully

this is just my interpretation of him, but of course he has a more official design hehe

my next plan of action is moon man!! he’s a gosh darn moth :)

extras down below!

See the full post

141 notes - Posted September 23, 2022

#3

See the full post

398 notes - Posted September 10, 2022

#2

Favorite fics?

oh geez. i’m gonna try keep it sweet and simple less i go on and make it unbearable to read. also these summaries are gonna be terrible but i think all of these are gonna be fnaf sun and moon fics i’m SORRY ITS IN MY HEAD BUT ANYWAYS- SHORT N SWEET LES GO

A Dose of Sunshine and Starlight - @give-me-your-monsters a slow burn w/ lots of angst and bittersweet-ness aww but you are all mentally ill.

Bug Love - @theohnocorral the boys are now bug-ified gods and take a liking to a mortal who probably apologies to inanimate objects

Universal Jesters - @lovelymoonmagic you accidentally become the handler to pair of bots with memory loss and mystery trauma

it was, in reality, not fine - @bones-of-a-rabbit you, the reader, have the self preservation skills as a bowl of soup. also oblivious to love hehe

Late Night to Early Morning - Loyal_Backstabber reader meets neglected robot clowns and vows to risk their life for them

Solar Lunacy - @bamsara its- ITS SOLAR LUNACY. anyways you meet certified murder robots and say i can fix em, they’re gonna fix u too.

copper cogs rusted through - @paper-lilypie “oh what’s this, one of these jesters tried killing me? eh it’s fine” then you fall in love

Rotating Shifts - LightningTriceratops protag mistakes sun for unconscious, jaundice ridden man and realizes he’s a robot with a not dead brother and separation anxiety

basically ANYTHINGGG by @naffeclipse , but the first story i ever read from them was In Deep Dreams Between the Waves very different fro, eclipse in sleuth jesters cause he’s actually decent. (also poor vanessa girl don’t get a break)

Clowning Around - EngageSage you overcome your anxiety to protect a poor jester, and are fueled by spite to fuck up moon man for being a certified bitch

Celestial hearts in a purple mind - @kabra-malvada *finds ominous object* *touches it* *is shocked to find they are possessed*

Twin Animatronics With Too Much Time on Their Hands - @twinanimatronics & @dana-chan-the-control-brain you fall in love and fight the temptation to resurrect a dead dude and kill him again

The Night Shift - @certified-handler oopsie you now work with a needy jester who sweeps you off your feet, even more oopsie he turns into a psychopath when the lights go out and triple oopsie you fall in love with HIM too

Star Crossed Souls - @faz-friendly-light-up-shoes reader said “god give me a sign i’ll find love.” gets the sign, and ignores it

404: Personal Space Not Found - CrazedAuthor anxiety filled individual thinks they will be fixed by a child supervisor, gets surprised by his stab happy twin

Celestial Syzygy - @echoingkarma you’re like the jack of all trades, including befriending animatronics who may or may not hate you (and want to maim you) you are probably underpaid.

My Neighbor Mr. Roboto - @kagedbird oh what’s this? you think moving into your new apartment will be simple and boring? WRONG there’s a robot in your closet. and everywhere- why are there so many-

Apology Flowers and Blooming Hours - @daunsun you’d think sentient flowers would have no angsty backstory huh? well actually...

Our Orbit is Elliptical - @sycopomp like your intrusive thoughts came to life, and you choose to ignore them

Lost and Found - SmolShampoo technology is so cool right guys? you got ai, and that ai can get traumatized! how cool??

Stare at the Abyss; It Might Look Back - @characcoon reader becomes a human punching bag and finds new rusty robot roommates. once they escape a deteriorating child’s play place they walked into

Ventura Highway - @madamemiz says “hey is anyone gonna take this robot?” and doesn’t wait for an answer.

Repaired Unstable - @blonde-fraumell you decide to work alongside your childhood friend! oh how non threatening he was- hey why’s this man TEN FEET TALL. and why’s this other man so kickable.

also, obligatory mer may fics! even though it’s no longer may these are still being updated :D

Luminescent Charm - @finfiprince reader finds the fishy dudes they saved as a kid in a cage, continues to spite god until they can save them

Celestial Omens (that really like Fishsticks) - @bamsara (again yes) you save two scared bastard fish and feed them in your bathroom, a decade later they see u and go “well they gave us fishsticks no drowning for them”

See the full post

441 notes - Posted October 8, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

guess who made one of those ask game things :] yknow cause why not

you know the drill

10,538 notes - Posted October 17, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

hey look it’s

it’s the thing!

i forgot i had this in my drafts

[giftfromblythe]

Magic

There’s something in these moments

That makes me feel alive

A nameless emotion

That fear cannot survive

Within the synergy of motion

And light’s gentle touch

The silence before the torrent

The breath before the plunge

And if I were to name it,

Would that tear away the veil,

Or would it rob the magic

From this beloved tale?

This poem is particularly special to me because it is about mental illness even though it might not seem like it is initially.

I’ve written a lot on this blog about the times I used hope to pull myself through some very difficult experiences, but I haven’t talked as much about where that hope comes from.

Most often?  I find it comes from single, simple moments.  The sort of thing that makes you gasp in awe or cry in joy—something so beautiful or so personal to you that it makes you feel completely and utterly whole in ways you never feel otherwise.  I live for those moments.

Now wait, Blythe, you might say, isn’t that a bit cliché?  How could something so simple, so comparatively small, outweigh all the absolutely terrible stuff your head dumps on you like clockwork?  Isn’t it inauthentic to claim it could make such a big difference?  Doesn’t it sound too much like the load of nonsense that some well-meaning but especially clueless people who have no idea what mental illness is actually like try to tell you will cure you?

Well, you wouldn’t be saying anything my brain hasn’t tried before (and probably will again, it’s stubborn that way), and I’ll tell you what I tell it then:

It absolutely does make that big a difference.  Just…not in the way those people who tout positive thinking as a panacea for all woes seem to think it does.  It’s not a matter of willpower or forcing ourselves to think a particular way right this instant and then never having a panic attack or a bout of suicidal ideation ever again.  It’s much subtler and requires just…remembering how those moments make you feel.  That feeling of magic and overwhelming wonder—you don’t even have to know what it is specifically, it just has to be something special to you.  Nothing elaborate, just something you can call to mind in an instant, that’s how memorable it was.

What it does is remind your brain that it can feel happy.  That this pit you’re in isn’t how it’s always been, and therefore not how it’s always going to be.

It doesn’t take the pain away or the challenge of working through that pain until you’ve reached a point where you don’t have to simply endure it anymore, but it does make it easier to hope.

And really, that’s the main thing that keeps you going: hope.

This poem is an attempt to put those moments of, well, magic in perspective: that your fear and pain don’t survive in the face of something that is ultimately beyond those things, something so pure and good and nigh-on incomprehensible that your mental illness can’t rationalize it away as something less than it is.  For me, I often find those moments in nature.  I’ll tear up from watching a hummingbird (so tiny, how can it exist and be so fast) going from flower to flower.  I’ll be breathless looking out over a bluff as the sun sets.  I’ll stop and stare at the moon coming up over the horizon.  Sometimes it comes from people or man-made places too—back before my crisis of faith, when I went to church, there was a moment where everyone was singing and I felt like I could fly with how beautiful it was.  Even though the context means something very different to me now, the beauty of the moment has stuck with me.  It’s these sort of inexplicably moving events that I call back on when I need to remind myself of the good that is still in the world, and that’s what I tried to capture in the poem.

Thanks for reading and I hope you got something out of this post that you can use when you’re struggling.  As always, take care, listen well, and share your stories.

—Blythe

[swampsiren-piratefairy]

2023 Reading

I read a lot apparently! Below are my thoughts on the stories I've read so far this year. Also, if you’ve read a book and absolutely loved it, pitch it in the comments! Tell me why I should read it!

January

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep by Phillip K. Dick (4/5 stars)

This was a short read and overall I thought it was good. I thought the way the "andys" were characterized was particularly interesting. I think the book, despite being so short, was a filled with ideas and world building and what struck me is that those things didn't make the world feel more real. It felt as though those pieces of world-building served more to characterize our protagonists by way of their reaction to those ideas/religion/machines rather than serving to flesh out the world itself? Which is not necessarily bad, but idk, I guess I just wish the world felt more real or made a bit more sense to me.

The Mist in the Mirror by Susan Hill (3/5 stars)

I don't have a lot to say about this one. It was fine. Susan Hill is pretty good at atmosphere. I found the ending unsatisfying.

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott (3.5/5 stars)

This one was also fine. And I know it's nit-picky but I cannot get over the mother letting Beth's pet bird die in order to make a point about the importance of doing chores? Beth is a child and the bird didn't need to starve to death. Fuck you, Marmee.

Midnight Sun by Stephanie Meyer (5/5 stars)

Look, you have to already like Twilight to like this book. If you don't like Twilight or have never read it, then this book will not be enjoyable. If, however, you have read and enjoyed the Twilight series, then this book is great! You get insight into the world of Twilight, of Edward's character, of his family's thoughts and how they interact, and a look at his dark years of human hunting.

February

Twilight by Stephanie Meyer (5/5 stars)

I love this book. I love the drama, the devotion, the camp, the characters. I cannot judge this book objectively, therefore 5 stars. I reread it in honor of my upcoming vacation to the Forever Twilight in Forks festival and I'm so glad I did!

The Bloody Chamber and Other Stories by Angela Carter (4/5 stars)

This is a collection of short stories. Each is a re-imagining of a fairy tale/legend. There was a lot of dark, feminine energy to these stories which I enjoyed. I would caution anyone who want to read the stories to first look up trigger warnings on storygraph, as the tales do get quite dark and gruesome at times.

The Blazing World by Margret Cavendish (3/5 stars)

This is a work of utopian science fiction written in 1666. It's short and not terribly interesting as a story but incredibly interesting as an early work of science fiction by a woman. Would recommend if you're interested in the history of genre fiction.

Beloved by Toni Morrison (3.5/5 stars)

This one was tough. The characters were brutal, their situations were brutal, and it was hard to read about. I did, however, like the narrative style and think it is an important work of fiction. I don't think it should be classified as a ghost story, as it often is.

The Bell Jar by Silvia Plath (4/5 stars)

This was a good book and a realistic depiction of what mental illness can look like. It was very much a downer though, especially with what we know about the author's life.

"A Good Man is Hard to Find" by Flannery O'Connor (undecided)

This is a short story. It does a good job of telling a story and allowing you to know the characters despite how short it is. I'm not sure how to rate is as I'm sure if I really "get" it.

Heretics of Dune by Frank Herbert (1/5 stars)

My gosh! I hated reading this. I didn't care for God Emperor of Dune either but I felt I'd read so much of the series that I might as well finish it out, after all there was only two more books to go. Well. I won't be finishing it out. I finished this book but I will not be reading Chapterhouse: Dune. I'm so over the weird pedophilia that just gets more prominent with each Dune book. And one of the greatest things about Dune is the worldbuilding, but so much time has passed between the first book and this one that we are no longer in the same world. I cared about that world from the first couple books, but this one? I don't care anymore. I don't care about the characters either.

Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit by Jeanette Winterson (3.5/5 stars)

This was a good coming of age story, although, to my relief, not very relatable. I found the story compelling but didn't care for the time jumps. I learned that it is partly autobiographical, which makes certain parts of the story make more sense.

The Vegetarian by Han Kang (3.5/5 stars)

This was alright. I get the appeal. It was distressing to read at times.

Vicky Angel by Jacqueline Wilson (2/5 stars)

Look, I just didn't like the book. I understand it's an exploration of childhood grief written for children and so I am certainly not the intended audience, but still, this was just not good. And the ending? Ugh.

March

Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf (3/5 stars)

This is a stream of consciousness story with a few time jumps back and forth. I liked reading some parts, others not so much. It can get a bit dull at times. Iconic last lines.

The Complete Tales of Peter Rabbit and Friends by Beatrix Potter (3/5 stars)

As with many collections, there are some stories I enjoyed and some I did not. A couple that I thought I would not want read to any children in my life, which surprised me because these are such beloved stories.

The Word for World is Forest by Ursula K. Le Guin (4/5 stars)

Enjoyable but not my favorite. Not something I would revisit I think. Lots of themes here about colonization, military, environmentalism, etc. A bit heavy handed, but that doesn't really bother me when I agree with the message being set forth.

April

nothing. no books here. I read part of Kindred during this month but didn't finish it until early May.

May

Kindred by Octavia E. Butler (4/5 stars)

I've always meant to read Octavia Butler's books but I'm not sure this was the best one to start with. Nevertheless, it was good.

A Closed and Common Orbit by Becky Chambers (4/5 stars)

I liked this one much better than the first book in the series, The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet. It did drag on a bit at times. I also feel like a lot of the tension could have been resolved quickly by characters just talking to each other which drove me nuts.

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne (3/5 stars)

It's not that this isn't a good book or an interesting work of early science fiction, it just dragged. I was so bored at times. This book took me so long to finish.

A Murder Is Announced by Agatha Christie (4.5/5 stars)

I can't quite bring myself to give this 5 stars. It was good though. As is always the case with Agatha Christie books, I did not guess the conclusion but feel as though I could have. Like there were probably enough hints, I just didn't pick up on them.

June

We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson (5/5 stars)

This was a very good read. Great atmosphere. I liked the way things were revealed. If you like a gothic tale or any of Shirley Jackson's other works, then certainly give this one a go.

I watched the movie in October and it was pretty faithful, as far as adaptations go. I did prefer the book.

August

New Moon by Stephanie Meyer (4/5 stars)

Look, is it as good as Twilight? No, but I still like it. I care about the characters and this book offered fun new additions to the world that Twilight introduced.

Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer (4/5 stars)

Second verse, same as the first.

The Knight, the Fool, and the Dead: Time Lord Victorious by Steve Cole (3/5 stars)

This was much shorter than I expected and ended in the middle of the story, which I didn't realize going in. It was fine. It's my first Doctor Who book and I didn't love it, which I am disappointed about.

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner by Stephanie Meyer (3.5/5 stars)

I do like this book, but it's not my favorite. I particularly liked the character of Freaky Fred and I'm glad I reread this book so that I could be reminded of him.

A Midsummer Night's Dream by William Shakespeare (4/5 stars)

I watched a play adaptation as I read along, which I find really useful for me when reading Shakespeare. I have trouble imagining how the characters say a line, what they would be doing as they say it, etc. so watching helps me contextualize. I liked it. I thought it was funny. It wasn't perfect and I didn't love the wrap up but, overall, it was enjoyable.

The Merchant of Venice by Shakespeare (2/5 stars)

I listened to the audio book rather than reading the play. I did not care for it. I thought the ending was fascinating but other than that, this was just not my cup of tea.

All Flesh is Grass: Time Lord Victorious by Una McCormack (3/5 stars)

This one was slightly better than the previous Doctor Who book, but I still didn't really care for it. It's hard to put my finger exactly on why though.

Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer (3.5/5 stars)

It pains me to give such a low rating to a book in a series I love so much, but this book is just not as good as the others. I still like it okay, but not like I love the others. Maybe she can redeem it in the next book. (That's right. I'm still holding out hope that we'll get another and it'll fix the bits I don't like about this one.)

September

The Body in the Library by Agatha Christie (4/5 stars)

I thought this one was quite good. I am bummed, as always, that I couldn't guess the killer.

Gigi and The Cat by Colette (3/5 stars)

This is actually two separate stories. I preferred Gigi I think, but both were solidly 3 stars. The most interesting thing was the little biography about Colette at the beginning of the book.

Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare (4/5 stars)

This one was enjoyable. Again, I did a read-along as I watched the play performed. It had some fantastic lines.

Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn (3/5 stars)

Look up trigger warnings about this one before you read. The book was just okay. I guessed the ending pretty early on, which I've been led to understand is not usual for this book. I think is probably the mark of a good thriller writer if most people won't guess the ending/twist/killer/etc but you've included enough clues so that a small subset of the audience will. But it didn't make for a particularly interesting read if you're in the subset that picked up on the clues early. I also was very interested to see how the writer handled the issue of self-harm in the book. Still not sure how I feel about it.

October

Hallowe'en Party by Agatha Christie (3/5 stars)

I didn't enjoy this one quite as much as I enjoyed the last Chrisie book I read, but it was okay I think. I read it because I wanted to watch the movie coming out, and I think murder mysteries are so much more interesting in book form.

Watched the movie and decided there’s no way this should be considered an adaptation of the book. A couple of names remain the same but the characters, their relationships, and the murders are so wildly different than they are in the book that I don’t even see the point of using the same names.

Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir (4/5 stars)

I liked it overall. I liked the characters. I think a little more development of our main two would have been nice. Controversial, but I did NOT like the meme references. Why would Harrow know the “studied the blade” joke? Also, why does Harrow know what a Cuckoo is? And apparently they’re all speaking English 10,000 years in the future because otherwise Gideon’s Sex Pal joke wouldn’t work. The ending made me sad.

Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir (3/5 stars)

I liked the story overall and I think the AUs were fun, but I think they took up way too much of the book. I especially liked getting to see Gideon again and to hear her thoughts about what’s going on.

Nona the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir (3/5 stars)

Maybe this one’s on me, but I can’t figure out where the conversation with Jod is happening? It takes up half the book and I don’t understand it at all. It just feels like exposition dump. I’m really hoping I like the next one better.

Fingersmith by Sarah Waters (3/5 stars)

This isn’t a bad book, but it’s not really to my tastes. It’s a period drama and sapphic.

The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison (5/5 stars)

I’ve read this one before and it’s a favorite of mine. It’s slow moving and, when I first read it, was such a relieving break from all the grimdark fantasies that were everywhereeeee at the time. (This book came out when Game of Thrones was at its height in popularity.) this book is just nice and so is Maia.

All Systems Red by Martha Wells (5/5 stars)

I enjoyed this book. So much so, that I read the rest of the series and then immediately went back to reread it again. I like murderbot. I also want to face the wall in a corner when people try to ask me about my feelings.

Artificial Condition by Martha Wells (4/5 stars)

This one might be my least favorite of the murderbot diaries, but I still like it. (That being said, I think I’ll grow to like it more in time. After all, we get the foundation of MB and ARTs relationship.) It introduces ART, gives us more context for MB’s past, and allows for MB’s sense of self to develop. By the end, we (and it) have a much better understanding of how it feels about humans and what lengths it’s willing to go to. The book also gives much needed explanation about how MB manages to blend in and operate. So all in all, I like it but feel like it’s mostly just filling in gaps.

Rogue Protocol by Martha Wells (4/5 stars)

Another good one! Really challenging how MB views human/bot relationships. MB is such a funny narrator, it spends so much time being like “I don’t care” and then proceeds to care So Much. Also Miki <3

Exit Strategy by Martha Wells (5/5 stars)

Wooo!! The gang is back (partly). MB must face those it’s run away from! Weapons and hacking and emotional stand offs! What more could you want?

Network Effect by Martha Wells (5/5 stars)

This one might be my favorite. I really liked it. I love when a character goes feral because their friend is dead/in danger and this book does it TWICE. It’s so good!

Fugitive Telemetry by Martha Wells (4/5 stars)

This one is another gap filling book. It lets us see what MB got up to while on Preservation. Which, if you’re really interested in the character (which I am) then it’s a good read! Also we got to see Gurathin and Ratthi again and I love them both.

[theradicalace]

today on “things literally no one asked me to do": i charted out my headcanons for all (most of) the htf characters interpersonal relationships. several of these have little to no basis in canon and are just based on what amuses me

this shit is damn near illegible even to me, so under the cut is a full explanation and notes on each relationship. be warned, it is VERY long

to simplify, we're gonna sort these by character

cuddles!

good god, this bitch is friends with everyone

cuddles+toothy: current romantic relationship. friends to lovers my beloved <3

cuddles+giggles: past lovers, current friends. it was like an "everyone thinks we should date, so we will... i guess?" situation that neither of them were really into

cuddles+flaky: current friends. he's a bad influence on them, they keep him from breaking his legs 90% of the time.

cuddles+lumpy: current friends. these bitches are dumb god bless.

cuddles+nutty: current dislike (one-sided). cuddles thinks this guy is SO annoying.

cuddles+lifty & shifty: current friendship. something about this unlikely friendship brings joy to my little rat brain. they're going to go spraypaint a building together 💖

cuddles+petunia: current friends.

cuddles+disco bear: currently neutral.

cuddles+handy: current friend (one-sided). cuddles thinks handy is soo so cool.

cuddles+sniffles: current friends. more of a "friend of a friend" situation (the shared friend being toothy) but they get along :]

cuddles+russell: current friends. yknow those people you just see around all the time who you aren't super close with but get along with anyway? yeah

cuddles+mime: current friends. cuddles comes to watch them perform a lot :)!

cuddles+flippy: current friends. they get along, mostly

toothy!

toothy+giggles: current friends. "isn't it weird to be friends with your boyfriends ex" not to toothy!

toothy+mime: current friends. similarly to cuddles, toothy comes to watch mime perform a lot :]

toothy+handy: current family. they're brothers in the better version of htf that exists in my heart. i know in my soul toothy is the younger brother

toothy+nutty: current friends. "we all got that one homie who ain't gonna make it"

toothy+lumpy: currently neutral. they just don't have much in common

toothy+sniffles: current friends. "c'mon man, you're gonna get some sun today whether you like it or not"

toothy+splendid: past sexual relationship. they fucked at a con once and toothy is still not sure if he dreamed it or not

toothy+shifty: past sexual relationship. a few one night stands when toothy wanted to fuck a guy who didn't give a shit about him lol

giggles!

giggles+petunia: past lovers, current friends. they were both trying to figure some stuff out. they ended up not being a match as lovers, but they're on good terms.

giggles+nutty: current friends (mutual)/dislike(one-sided). giggles has a bit of toxic mean girl in her i'm sure of it. she doesn't really like him but keeps him around because??? reasons unclear

giggles+flaky: past lovers, current friends. "the one that got away" in her eyes. is there still feelings? potentially. will she do anything about it? absolutely not.

giggles+lumpy: complicated dislike. she wants to be on better terms with him, but she's easily frustrated by his antics.

giggles+disco bear: enemy (one-sided). she is going to skin this man alive.

giggles+pop: currently neutral. she likes the pictures he posts of cub on facebook and that is the extent that they interact.

giggles+flippy: current flirting (one-sided). she thinks he's hot but he's too busy being mentally ill to notice.

giggles+lifty & shifty: current dislike (one-sided). guess getting kidnapped leaves someone a little sore?

giggles+mole: current friends. they get along, but aren't close.

giggles+sniffles: current friends. friend of a friend situation.

petunia!

petunia+handy: current lovers. voted tree town's cutest couple 5 years in a row

petunia+mole: current friends. "this is my boyfriend's boyfriend!"

petunia+disco bear: current enemy (one-sided). does anyone else hear a taser?

petunia+cuddles: current friends. this is another "friend of a friend" situation. bit of "my ex's ex" going on too.

petunia+lumpy: current friends. literally just because it's funny.

petunia+lifty & shifty: current dislike. 2 for 2 on the whole kidnapping thing.

petunia+splendid: currently neutral. she's more of a flash fan...

handy!

handy+mole: current lovers. "oh my god they were roommates"

handy+cuddles: current dislike (one-sided). thinks he's annoying as all hell.

handy+russell: past flirting, current friends. they almost had a thing going when they were younger, but russell fucked off to sea before anything came of it. they're on friendly terms now, though.

handy+giggles: current friends. "that's my girlfriends best friend." he respects her.

the mole!

mole+splendid: currently neutral (one-sided). he just thinks it's funny to fuck with him

mole+mime: current flirting. weird sort of "i hate this guy so much i could kiss him" energy.

mole+sniffles: currently neutral. somehow they ended up as coworkers.

mole+lumpy: current friends. mole is truly just here to see what sort of insane bullshit lumpy can pull off next.

nutty!

nutty+sniffles: complicated romantic relationship. there's tension there, but sniffles is too scared to say anything, and nutty is physically incapable of the introspection necessary to recognize what he's feeling

nutty+flaky: currently neutral. they tend to be too different to really end up in the same area much, but there's no hard feelings.

nutty+lifty: current sexual relationship. they're fuckbuddies i just know it.

nutty+shifty: current friends. shifty is charging this man EXORBITANT amounts of money for lsd.

splendid!

splendid+lifty & shifty: current enemies (one-sided). oh he hates these two so much. he's so pissed that he still blushes when they hit on him, too.

splendid+giggles: current flirting. damsel in distress, anyone?

splendid+mole: current enemy/rival (one-sided). "this is the biggest threat to my secret identity" *camera pans over to mole walking into a wall*

mime!

mime+nutty: current friends. aut4aut t4t friendship. i will not elaborate.

mime+petunia: current friends. they fake flirt because it's funny to them.

mime+giggles. current friends. they tend to get along

mime+shifty: complicated romantic relationship. mostly culminates in a mutual "oh for fucks sake, why HIM of all people?" they could have something really good if they would sit down and talk but mime is nonverbal and shifty is allergic to communication

russell!

russell+lifty & shifty: current dislike (one-sided). he is SO mad about the sunken treasure.

russell+giggles: current friends. he signs her environmental activism petitions. gotta protect the ocean!

lifty and shifty!

L&S+petunia, giggles, and russell: currently neutral (one-sided): these two don't give a fuuuuck lol.

lifty+shifty: current family. the brothers EVER. they care about each other but literally would never admit it, not if they were tortured or bribed (okay maybe if they were bribed)

L&S+splendid: current flirting (one-sided). make no mistake, neither of them are actually into him, but they think it's so funny to watch him get flustered. have successfully flirted their way out of him arresting them on multiple occasions.

flippy!

flippy+flaky: current lovers. they can make each other worse. oh my god they are so bad for each other. therapy immediately, both of you.

flippy+lifty & shifty: current enemies. he is hunting them for sport <3

flaky!

flaky+disco bear: currently neutral (one-sided). they're flattered by his occasional flirting, but they're not interested

flaky+lammy: current friends. these two are ALSO bad for each other good god. seek professional help.

lammy!

lammy+petunia & giggles: current friends. poker buddies!

lammy+pop: current friends. just because it's funny.

lammy+sniffles & nutty: current friends. bad influence on them <3

disco bear!

disco bear+petunia & giggles: current flirting (one-sided). *dude, she's just not into you starts playing at max volume*

disco bear+flaky: current flirting (one-sided). trans inclusive radical misogyny /j

disco bear+pop: current lovers. old man yaoi. i will not elaborate.

[piningintrovert]

7, 10, 14, 19 for the ask game 👀

Thank for the questions, Alex ╰(✿´⌣`✿)╯♡

7. Who is your favorite friend character in Asian ql?

Already answered here but another one is JJ from This Love Doesn't Have Long Beans.

10. Which Asian ql couple do you think is under appreciated?

Already answered here but another one is In and Wang from 180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us. One of the most poignant, heartbreaking love stories I've ever watched.

14. Which Asian ql tropes do you want to send to the trash heap?

Their love can fix me, I don't need therapy. Mental illness is often trivialized in qls and we end up getting this trope. It has gotten better, but we still have a ways to go.

19. You have the chance to switch pairings in one Asian ql so that the sides become the main pairing and the mains get reduced to crumbs--which show are you choosing?

Definitely Man and Type from 2gether. They had me in such a chokehold that I ended up writing a ficlet about them. Honorable mentions include Ray and Ah Jian from About Youth, Janus and Bom from Venus in the Sky, Daisy and Intouch from Secret Crush on You, Pure and Folk from My Gear Your Gown, Sun and Mork from Dark Blue Kiss, Seiji, Japan and Ken from Deep Night, Cher and Risa from GAP (established lesbian couple my beloved), Bank and Pitch from My Golden Blood, Phu and Kao from My Oxygen etc.

Asian QL Ask Game

[jdgo51]

Late-Night Prayer Sessions

Today's inspiration comes from:

Near in the Night

by Emily Ley

Editor’s note: Emily Ley’s new book Near the Night is a perfect read especially for those of us who struggle with sleep. These meditations on God’s peace and rest will help you turn off your worries and remember God’s goodness. Enjoy this excerpt:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." — Philippians 4:6 NIV

"'Every day for a year, I woke up at 2:42 a.m. It was this weird occurrence that had no rhyme or reason, but it happened at exactly the same moment and kept me awake for at least an hour. My life those days was a blur of diapers, baby schedules, conference calls, and “Please advise ASAP” emails. I wasn’t alone for more than a few minutes once the kids went to bed because I’d pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

In the beginning, I mentally thumbed through the pages of the proverbial book of Things I Am Worried About, Didn’t Finish, Forgot to Do, or May Never Do that lived in my head. I need to change the oil in my car. I wonder if Brady has a cavity? That ache in my elbow is back... could it be (insert terminal illness)? I should cook more meals at home. My children may grow up to be totally damaged because I don’t love to cook.

Every night was a “beat myself up” session. But then I started bringing those things up in prayer rather than ruminating on them. And things started to change. Instead of loathing those interruptions at 2:42 a.m., I gave my worries to God. I wondered if He was giving me that inner 2:42 a.m. alarm as a blessing. I began to fall back to sleep, waking up with a more peaceful heart; and eventually, the 2:42 a.m. inner alarm disappeared.

What have you been anxious about lately? During times of high stress, bring your thoughts to God.

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. — Psalm 4:8

A Prayer for Your Dreams

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! — Psalm 34:8

Tonight, I hold you in prayer and wish you an evening of rest and rejuvenation. I pray your dreams are whole and intact, that they’re as lovely and calming as the sound sleep that finds you.

May their colors be vivid and beautiful, like art come to life. May the cast of characters be beloved friends, lost to the sands of time, and family venturing back to this side of Heaven, just for a night. May their voices be soft, and may the background music be soothing. I pray your dreams are filled with mended fences, blooming friendships, and hopes come to life. Or back to life.

And most of all, I pray each one brings a smile to your face when you wake — a reminder of the sweet and the good in years past, and a hope for the days to come.

Are your dreams reminding you of a worry or a hope you’ve pushed deep inside your heart? Is something rising to the surface, interrupting your rest? Give God the good and the worrisome before you head to sleep tonight.

Scriptures for Your Evening

The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; He will keep your life. — Psalm 121:5-7

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. — Psalm 4:8

If you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. — Proverbs 3:24

I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me. — Psalm 3:5

He will not let your foot be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. — Psalm 121:3-4

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. — Philippians 4:6-7"'

Excerpted with permission from Near the Night by Emily Ley, copyright Emily Ley.

[troquantary]

Edward Cullen: That Boy Ain’t Right

So I was doing a reread of @therealvinelle 's collection of Twilight metas, as one does, and in "Edward, Denial, and a Human Girlfriend" she mentions that she doesn't believe Edward is sane. I thought, "ha, yeah, he's definitely not," and also, "but wait, what does that mean exactly, please say more about that." But since she's already inundated with asks, I've decided to use my own head-muscle and explore this idea. (TL;DR: I start out more or less organized, synthesize some points Vinelle has made across several posts (and have hopefully linked to them all where relevant but please tell me if not), touch a little on narcissism, then take a hard left into the negative effects of being a telepath.)

Just a couple things to note at the outset, though. Theses have been written already (probably) about Edward as an abuser. Edward being insane doesn't negate that at all; he's definitely an asshole and just...a disaster of a human being. (I find it more funny than anything, but YMMV.) I'm also going to try to avoid talking specifically about mental illness and how it relates (or doesn't relate) to abusive behavior -- that's territory I'm not really equipped to discuss, like at all. My starting point is "Edward has a deeply warped perception of reality," not "Edward has X disorder."

So: deeply warped perception of reality. The evidence? Goes behind a cut, because my one character trait is Verbose.

Vinelle provides a great example of it in the post linked above, which I'll just quote because she does words good: "[Edward] keeps acting like his romance with Bella is a romantic tragedy, and all the cast of Twilight are actors on a stage making it as sublime as possible." Edward's the one to pursue Bella, but he does so with the full belief, from the very beginning, that it will never last; Bella will "outgrow" him, go on her human way, and he can spend the rest of eternity brooding magnificently over his too-short romantic bliss. [Insert premature ejaculation joke.] Turning her is never an option, even though Alice, Noted Psychic, says that romancing Bella will either end with her dead (exsanguinated) or dead (vampire).

This framing, where he's a dark anti-hero in love with -- but never tainting! -- the pure maiden and eventually leaving her in a grand, tragic sacrifice to preserve her soul? It's fucking bonkers. Bella isn't a person to him in this scenario. As Vinelle points out, Bella's never really a person to him at all; he falls in love with his own mental construct, cherry-picking from what he observes of her behavior and her responses to his 20 (thousand) Questions to convince himself that she is the ideal woman.

Bella's not the only one who gets the projection/cardboard-cutout treatment. Edward sees everything and everyone through a highly particular, personalized lens. He filters his entire reality, which we all do to an extent, but the thing with Edward is that he starts with his conclusions and then only pays attention to the evidence that supports those conclusions. Often that evidence consists of what he admits in New Moon are only "surface" thoughts -- but recognizing that limitation doesn't keep him from taking those thoughts as representative of what people are. Edward then becomes absolutely convinced by his own "reasoning" and won't be swayed from what he has decided is Objectively True. It's obvious with Bella; it's also painfully obvious with Rosalie. (Vinelle explains this and brings up Edward's raging Madonna/Whore complex in the same post, so refer to that again -- she's right.)

He also catastrophizes. Everything. Bella's just vibing in her room, rereading Wuthering Heights for the 87th time? She's gonna be hit by a meteor, better sneak into her room while she sleeps. Bella's going to the beach with the filthy mundanes their human classmates? She's gonna fall in the ocean. Jasper's cannibal pals are stopping by for a visit, but know not to hunt in the area? DISASTER, DEFCON 1, ALSO FUCK YOU JASPER FOR EVEN EXISTING IN MY AND BELLA'S SPHERE YOU UNSPEAKABLE BURDEN. Edward must believe that Bella is vulnerable and in near-constant peril, to support the reality he has created in which he is the villain turned protector and maybe?? hero??? (!!!) for his beloved. So when the actual, James-shaped danger arrives, he goes berserk, snarling and flipping his shit and generally not helping the situation. His fantasy demands that Bella remain human, so instead of doing the very thing Alice, Noted Psychic, assures him will neutralize the threat (and not just a threat to Bella, either, but to Bella's family and any other human James might decide to include in the "game"), he vetoes it immediately, no discussion. Bella Must Not Turn, and he sticks to those guns despite James nearly reducing her to ground beef, despite leaving Bella catatonic with depression (but human! success!) in New Moon, despite Aro's order and his family's vote and, let's not forget, Bella's clearly and repeatedly stated desire to be a vampire. It's going to happen. But he doesn't accept it until Renesmee busts out of Bella like the Kool-Aid man and the poor girl's heart finally, unequivocally stops.

Sane people don't behave this way. I don't want to slap labels on Edward, but I can't help but note that he comes across as highly narcissistic. He's the only real person in his universe, the lone player among us NPCs. That probably has a lot to do with him being frozen in the mindset and maturity of a seventeen-year-old boy, but I think it's also just...him, on some fundamental level. His failure to connect with others and recognize them as full, independent beings with their own wants and priorities isn't like Bella's failure -- she's badly depressed. Edward is...something else, and I get the sense that his sanity has been steadily deteriorating over time. And a cursory google of narcissistic traits turns up some familiar-looking stuff. He's self-loathing, yes, but also grandiose; he hates himself for the monster he is (and hates most vampires besides Esme and Carlisle for their monstrosity, too) but still feels superior to humans, to the extent that he felt entitled to human blood and resented Carlisle for depriving him of his "proper" diet. He eventually returns to Carlisle, but he's far from content -- the beginning of Midnight Sun finds him in a state of ennui, bored and dismissive of (if not outright disgusted by) everyone around him, that has apparently persisted for years and years. He doesn't play the piano, he doesn't compose, he doesn't enjoy anything...at least until Bella comes along and then he becomes obsessed to a disturbing degree with her and his new, romantic tragedy spin on reality.

[Next-day edit: I’m not sure where else to fit this in, but the way Edward casually contemplates violence against people who have, at best, mildly annoyed him is...chilling. I have a hard time writing off his strategizing how to murder the entire Biology class as a result of bloodlust -- it’s so calculated, nothing like the blackout state of thirst Emmett describes when he encountered his own “singer,” and that is probably the default for when a vampire is extremely thirsty. But even ignoring the Biology class incident, Edward still does things like consider, with disturbing frequency, how he might grievously injure or kill Mike Newton, all because...Edward considers him his romantic rival (despite Bella barely giving the kid the time of day). He thinks about slapping Mike through a wall, which might be an amusing slapstick image, except as a vampire Edward’s actually capable of turning this boy’s skeleton to a fine powder. So it’s, y’know, kind of sick when you think about it.

But even worse than that, when Bella tells Edward about how she flirted with Jacob to get at that sweet, sweet vampire lore, Edward chuckles and then, after dropping Bella home, flippantly observes that now that the treaty’s broken, why not genocide? I’m not even kidding, it’s right there in Midnight Sun; he seriously thinks about the fact that he’d be technically justified now in wiping out the entire tribe because a teenager tried to impress a girl with a spooky story. That is fucked. Remember, Edward was there with Carlisle when the treaty was first established. He knows how remarkable it is that they even came to a truce in the first place, that it was only ever possible because Carlisle is...well, Carlisle, and that it marks a pretty significant moment in supernatural history. He doesn’t care; he doesn’t respect it, or he’d never think something like “Ha ha, if I went and killed them all, I wouldn’t even be wrong. I mean, I won’t do it, but I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be wrong.”

Again: not the thought process or behavior of a sane person. (Or a person that respects life in general -- sorry Carlisle, big L.)]

Finally, whether he's a narcissist or not, I think the fact that Edward has constant, unavoidable access to everyone's thoughts is a powerful contributing factor to his instability. He can tune out the mental noise to an extent, but he can't stop it -- so he comes to rely on it like another sense. This causes issues with disconnect and lack of empathy, of course, but there's another facet to this shit diamond: he's basically experiencing a ceaseless flow of intrusive thoughts. His narration in Midnight Sun suggests that he "hears" the words people think, can "see" what they visualize in their mind's eye, and can sense the emotional "tone" and intensity of their thoughts. Therefore, perceiving Jasper's thirst through his thoughts makes Edward more aware of his own, "doubling" the discomfort. This would be a lot to deal with even from just his immediate coven members, but Edward gets all of this pouring into his head like a firehose on a day-to-day basis because the Cullens live right alongside humans. I know Meyerpires have galaxy brains or whatever, but that's a ton to process.

Besides the compounding effect on his own thirst when he "feels" the thirst of others, Meyer never suggests that Edward has difficulty separating his own thoughts from other people's; even when he was newly turned, he recognized Carlisle's "voice" in his head as Carlisle's. That would create a whole different host of issues around identity, but it looks like Edward's escaped that particular torment. However, I can easily imagine that what he does experience is just shy of unbearable nonetheless, with an eroding effect on his sanity over decades. He can't sleep to escape it; he's on a dishwater diet and probably (like the rest of his family) experiencing a perpetual, low-grade physical discomfort due to his thirst never being fully satisfied; and he's around far more people than is the norm for vampires -- even discounting all the humans, his own coven is unusually large -- meaning more noise.

Honestly, it would be weirder if he were all there, considering.

And even though I feel like I lost a sense of structure around where I started ranting about telepathy, I've written like 1.5k words about Edward fucking Cullen and I think that's enough for one post.

[cdroloisms]

maybe you could talk about the dynamic between c!wilbur and c!tommy / c!tubbo? i think it's very interesting and i have conflicted feelings about them, i'd love to see your takes

c!wilbur my beloved ,, he’s such an interesting character and his relationship w/ c!tommy and c!tubbo is simultaneously so ,, twisted and heartbreaking. i think he really did care about them, to the end, but c!wilbur had always been characterized with his ,, love for lmanburg, to the point of obsession - think him in the revolution, saying “we would rather die,” him and his unfinished symphony in the button room on the sixteenth. in the end, it’s this obsession that really comes to destroy him,, but i feel like he still *cared* for tommy and tubbo, you know? tommy, canonically, saw wilbur as an older brother figure, and i feel like to some degree that feeling was reciprocated - not in the healthiest way, especially as c!wilbur became more manipulative, but that came from his untreated mental illness and growing paranoia and other things. i think that he saw himself as a sort of,, mentor figure, to both tommy and tubbo, and he hurt them, in the end, in very very deep and unjustified ways ,, but he still cared. it doesn’t make it right, or even better, but i think that w/ the way wilbur thought, he wasn’t necessarily trying to be cruel.

anyway, take this mutually assured destruction au (credit to @dreamsclock for the au) interaction of c!wilbur and c!tubbo!

tw: mentioned abuse, death, manipulation, toxic relationship, unhealthy thinking, mental illness, derealization (? wilbur thinks of everything as a twisted story), c!wilbur critical (not really? but just in case)

“Do you know what he did to Tommy?”

Wilbur turns, blinks, smiles; Tubbo is standing in front of him, spine straight, shoulders pulled back; there’s a fire in those eyes, highlighted by the starburst scar that stretches over his face. He wipes the gunpowder with a quick snap of his wrists, one-two, and cocks his head to the side. Amusement bubbles under his skin; now this is interesting.

“Tubbo! Can’t say I expected you here,” the kid is wearing netherite, but doesn’t move closer, keeping himself just out of reach of a sword. Smart, Wilbur shifts, stuffs his hands into his pockets, he’s learned.

“Wilbur,” Tubbo’s voice is firm, tired. Wilbur stays silent, prompting, something satisfied becoming a curling warmth in his chest; he’s always been perceptive, moreso than Tommy. Tommy lives, breathes a sort of unpolished sincerity, drawing attention, bleeding heart and loyalty and emotion so brilliantly and shouting so loudly that everyone has no choice but to listen - to contain him is no easier than to cage a flame. Wilbur knew this, even back in Pogtopia, let his and Dream’s passion and drive and bone-deep feeling burn each other out.

Tubbo sighs, lifts his chin; his eyes are cold. Something amused pulls at the corners of Wilbur’s lips; where Tommy is fire, Tubbo is ice, waiting, watching, letting Tommy charge into the fray while he hangs back and simply observes. He’d known, even then, that when push came to shove, Tubbo would be the one to get the job done, that he was the one that would smile serenely with an arsenal of weapons hidden up his sleeve, had looked into those ice-blue eyes and seen the same snake-in-the-grass determination that he recognized from every time he looked in the mirror.

“I know,” he says, finally, every word carefully measured, just smooth enough to edge on the side of sincerity. He doesn’t miss the way that Tubbo flinches, the tremble of his bottom lip, but turns away and pretends not to notice. “He told me, and even if he didn’t, I still have Casper the friendly ghost’s memories, as much as I don’t like them.”

“Then-” Tubbo’s voice cracks, goes quiet, and Wilbur watches from the corner of his eye as the kid purposefully untenses, hiding his shaking hands behind his shield. “Why are you helping him?”

Wilbur pauses; it’s not a question he didn’t expect, but the weight of it is- startling, even so. Something bubbles, hot and vicious, in his throat, almost tasting like anger, revenge, love. He remembers his hand placed, calming, on a too-tense shoulder, nestled in wind-blown hair, remembers star-bright eyes following him, hanging onto his every word like they had the power to coax the sun into the sky. Remembers, even in the hazy joy and grief that had been the world falling to pieces under his hand on the sixteenth, that spark of blue-tinged sorrow that had almost felt like regret burning cold and quiet in the middle of his chest.

“Have you read Shakespeare, Tubbo?”

Wilbur turns away, but it’s not early enough to miss the way Tubbo jolts at his question, a mumbled, incredulous “what?” falling from his lips.

“His tragedies, specifically,” he counts the TNT in his inventory, thumbing through the rows and rows of dynamite. “If you haven’t, they all follow the same basic formula - it’s how tragic heroes work, after all. It all boils down to one flaw - just one mistake, that sends the entire house of cards crumbling down.” Just one button pressed. Just one person that shouldn’t have been trusted. Just one life.

“I don’t- I don’t see how this is relevant, Wilbur.”

And here’s the thing; once upon a time, these boys - they had been his.

Not his, as in family, or his, as in followers, but some muddled mix of the two. They’d been his to guide, to some degree, his to keep out of trouble, his to teach about drugs and blackmail and propaganda and respect and leadership and honor. And- maybe he never should’ve been trusted with kids, maybe they shouldn’t have given a damned man this responsibility - scratch the maybe, they definitely shouldn’t have - but the universe didn’t operate on “should have”’s so he ended up with these brilliant, lost boys anyway.

And he fucked up, more than anyone, more than even Dream, because these boys had been his in a way they never were for Dream, but Wilbur has always been a selfish, selfish man. He chose his unfinished symphony first and he’d choose it again because that was the flaw in his foundation, the chip in his soul that would send him collapsing from the outside in every time, but that doesn’t mean he can’t try to guide the kid standing in front of him away from the path of self-destruction that Wilbur’s already too far down to come back from, that he and Tommy and Dream have been damned to.

“You’re a side character, Tubbo. You don’t matter,” Wilbur speaks, ignoring the hitch of breath that comes from behind him, “and this is a tragedy. Everyone that matters dies at the end of a tragedy.”

“Wilbur-”

“Cassio lives in Othello. Horatio lives in Hamlet. Dream, me, Tommy - we’re fucked. We’ve been fucked since the beginning of this story, since L’manburg. I signed our death warrant the moment I signed that declaration, Tubbo! We’re dead men walking. It’s only a question of how much we burn down before we burn out. But you?”

“You’re not like us, Tubbo. When the curtains close, when this story ends - somebody’s going to be left to pick up the pieces. You have people to live for now.”

“This- this isn’t a story, Wilbur.” Tubbo’s words tremble in the air, hang between them like a thread pulled taut - the thread frays, snaps, as Wilbur begins to walk away.

As he leaves, Wilbur remembers Dream, hair white in the moonlight, back when those eyes shone with something other than remembered pain - this isn’t a story - and hopes that Tubbo won’t learn the hard way, too.

[bokettochild]

Hey Ketto, I'm not sure if you are taking any requests rn, but I've had a rough time of it recently and if it's no bother or hassle, could I request a fic where Time gets comforted by Warriors? Something with cuddles and hair petting, and Time getting to be held. Only if it's no bother. - Nick @thesacredtwink

Of course, Nick!

Sorry I didn't see this until just recently, but I whipped up something for you as soon as I could. I hope it helps, luv, and if you want more please do not hesitate to ask!

Time has been acting strange since the last switch.

At first, none of them questioned it, after all, leaving the ranch made them all a bit down, Time especially however, their leader usually sprung back to himself within a few days of travel time, going back to making jokes that made the others groan and offering advice and aid to their younger heroes. This time however, Time had only gotten worse, the shadows under his eyes growing nightly, the older hero falling silent and stern and very nearly snappish with the others. Only this evening, Warriors had seen Time lose his temper with Wind when the kid had been bubbling around him all day, and while the sailor took the scolding and tired ‘you’re just too much, Wind’ like a soldier, Wars had seen how the kid had retreated to Twilight and Legend during dinner, clinging to the both of them with misty eyes and keeping himself strangely silent while Time brooded on the other side of the fire.

The captain sighed to himself. If his boys were having trouble getting along, not just adjusting to being on the road again, then it was his place as a father (brother?) to step up and see what the problem was. After all, Time would tear himself up about this later, so he needed to nip it in the bud now before the man did something that would make the following guilt later even worse.

Time was seated on the far edge of camp that evening, and unlike most nights on the road, the man had left his sword in its sheath, himself still clad in his armor as the others shed their excess layers, and a blue ocarina was cradled in his hands, eyes distant and brows pulled low as he stared off into the forest. Not brooding then, sulking, and he wasn’t quite sure if that was better or worse in the moment.

“Room for one more?”

Time’s blue eye flickered to him for a moment with a dark scowl, the man shaking his head tiredly and pulling himself up.

Oh shoot, a royal sulk! Time was usually fine to let someone sit next to him, even when he was brooding, but if it was so bad that he didn’t even want anyone nearby? Oh goddesses, Warriors had his work cut out for him.

Dinner that night was a cold affair, the younger ones trying to prompt Wind into anything resembling conversation as Legend poked the sailor’s side, and the older ones exchanging worried glances as they looked from their sulking leader to each other. Usually, someone would break the stillness with a joke or a tease, but Legend’s snark only made things worse when Time shot the vet a look after he had made a jab at Warriors, and while the captain appreciated the defense of his honor, it was reminding him much too much of the war when Time had been a gremlin ready to wreak havoc on anyone at the nearest hint of insult to his father-figure. And while he rather doubted that Time could pants Legend (no pants, and their leader hopefully knew better now that he was older) it was an uncomfortable reminder of the kid’s worse days when nothing could get through to him and Warriors had to be very careful to hide his flask where the kid wouldn’t find it.

When arranging watches, Time had just grunted and moved to the edges of camp and Warriors found himself wincing.

“I’ll take second watch.” He told the others. “Time’s claimed first- don't ask, that’s what that huff usually means. Wind, you’re on Twilight duty, make sure the rancher doesn’t wander off again this evening, alright?” That earned a smile from the kid however hesitant, and while Twilight looked mildly offended, Warriors mentally blessed the rancher for not protesting the comment.

“Yessir, Cap’n.” Wind offered a sharp little salute, and he couldn’t help but reach over and ruffle the kid’s hair as his chest had swelled with pride. They’d worked on that salute a thousand times and now it was as clipped and smooth as any officer’s, even better than many of his men. Maybe he should have the sailor give his soldiers a few tips he chuckled to himself as the others sorted out watches; Legend taking the one directly after his and Hyrule the one after. Wild was on morning cooking duty, so the kid was ordered to rest for the night to avoid any sort of unfortunate mishaps. Usually, it wasn’t a problem to let the wild Champion take final watch, but if his plans (of course he had plans, did you doubt him?) were going to work out, the kid would need to be well rested to prepare the breakfast he’d asked for in the morning.

Knowing glances were shot his way by the others, Sky and Twilight both clapping his back and Legend tugging his scarf with an impish smirk as the others headed to bed, silent wishes of good luck ringing clear across the camp as he was left alone with their leader while the others settled in for bed.

He waited until the sun had set properly and the snoring of the others had begun rumbling around the camp, Twilight’s throaty snorts and Wind’s rumbling ones mixing with Four and Legend’s more soft snuffling ones. Hyrule and Wild lay silent and curled up, each snuggled into one side of the cuddle pile that had formed with Wind in the center, the sailor clinging to Twilight and Legend both in his sleep and dooming them to be smushed in by the other heroes. Sky, at the head of the pile, drooled slightly in his sleep, apparently uncaring that the others were using him as a pillow, and with one hand lost in Twilight’s dark hair. It made him smile as he took them in, pulling himself up to go and ensure they were all tucked in warmly before he turned his attention to the brooding warrior on the edge of their camp.

Time was still fiddling with his ocarina, eyes downcast and almost misty as the older man sat on the edge of camp, and he had to stop for a moment to collect himself before confronting him; Time looked miserable.

“Guilt hitting you yet for yelling at Wind?” He drawled, coming to sit next to the other and carefully arranging his scarf where time could grab it if needed. The man was no longer a child, but even so the blue fabric was a comfort to most of their odd little family, and scoldings or long talks were always made easier when it was available to hide under.

“A bit.”

“If it helps, he knows you didn’t mean it.”

Time slumped in place. “I still said it. Wind looks up to me now, I-” The other cut off with a sigh, tired eyes and weary heart both dimming as he watched.

“Right then, what’s eating you?” At Time’s startled expression he offered a knowing frown. “I helped raise you, Sap, I know when you’re taring yourself up over something and I’d half to be as blind as you to not tell when somethings hurting you. So, what is it?”

Royal blue blinked slowly, a match for his own and so terribly distant as Time turned back to the forest, thumbs trailing over the smooth porcelain of the ocarina. “I’m worried.”

“For?”

“For Malon.” Oh shit. “She wasn’t feeling too good when we left and-” Time’s face twisted up, eye glimmering as the man stared up at the stars, pain twisting his expression and straining his voice as one hand had wound into the prepared scarf. “I’m not there. Talon’s getting on in years and if something happens when we’re gone-” Time’s voice hitched, not quite a sob but broken all the same, and like a trigger was hit Warriors was already pulling the other man into his arms, holding tight as Time’s shoulders shuddered under his grasp. “I’m worried, Pops.” Came the broken whisper. “What if-”

“Shhhh.” Like a million times before his hands were running through short blonde hair. It had been ages since he’d trimmed either of his boys and Time was getting shaggy again, something he was grateful for. Running his hands through the kid’s hair had always helped him calm, and it seemed to still be effective even ow, Time melting further into his embrace as he hummed softly, rocking ever so slightly in place. “Malon’s a strong woman, she’ll be fine. People get sick all the time, Sapling, this isn’t anything to fuss over.”

“She couldn’t get out of bed the other morning.” Time breathed against his chest, the ocarina falling to the ground as both of the man’s hands had wound into the blue scarf instead.

Warriors tried to steady the stutter of his heart as he clutched the other a but tighter. “Is that so?”

“She’s been awful nauseas too.” Time choked out. “Wars, I-”

“Has she had random dizzy spells and weird cravings? Maybe gets sickened at the mere idea of certain foods but also likes eating things that even a pig would turn away from?” Oh, goddesses let this be right.

Time’s blue eye stared up at him curiously. “Y-yeah, how’d-”

The captain choked back a snort. “She’ll be fine, Time. Ladies get that way sometimes. My own beloved was that way for a while too, it passes in time, and there's few ill effects.”

“What ill effects?” Time shifted uneasily, pulling away to stare at him better.

“Exhaustion mostly, some pain, and loss of sleep, but,” He tilted his head with a knowing grin. “It’s well worth it in the end when she’s okay again. You’ll want to talk to her about it next time we get there,” if the bulge of Malon’s stomach didn’t give her away first. “But she’ll be alright.” Time stared at him in disbelief, brows pulling together in a doubtful frown that had him huffing in mock offence. “Wat, you don’t believe me?”

“Battlefield experience as a medic-”

Wars cut Time off with a snort. “Battlefield nothing! I was fighting my loves illness before the war even started. It’s not something that catches, I’ll have you know, and as long as she takes it easy, something I trust Malon knows as well as the next woman, she’ll be fine.” He reached over to tig Time’s ears making the other shy away with a strained laugh, only earning a hair ruffle “Stop fussing, Sapling, your lady love will live just fine.”

Time actually outed at him for a moment, something which quite frankly looked ridiculous on the man’s face and made him bust up laughing as the other flopped against him. Absently, his hands drifted back into Time’s shaggy hair, humming softly as Time continued to lay in silence, eyes staring up at the stars and ears twitching slowly.

“Tomorrow,” He tugged one flickering ear pointedly. “You need to apologize to Wind.”

“Trust me, I intend to.”

“Good.” He grinned, flopping his scarf across the other’s face. “But for now, rest, kiddo, you’re a right grouch when you're tired and I don’t mind pulling double shift for a night.”

“I’m-”

“Not fine, and not staying up. Past your bed-time squirt.” He tugged the ear again, earning a soft growl from his adult kid as Time shifted.

“I’m still in my armor.”

“Then change.”

Time pulled himself up with a huff, shucking his armor and letting Wars help him with the buckles and belts before the both of them settled down again. Tomorrow night, the leader’s metal shell would need cleaning, but for now, he’d let himself out to be seen and held, head nestled in Warriors’ lap as the captain played with his hair.

Time’s breathes evened out to join the cacophony of rumbling snores of the others. Warriors smiled, ruffling his son’s hair fondly and turning his eyes towards the moon.

[goldeneyedgirl]

Who’s ur favorite and least favorite twilight character and why?

LOL, oh man. Prepare for Discourse, Anon. 

My favourite character is Alice (that might be very obvious). I think she was wasted in Twilight, and that she has so much potential. 

She has no recollection of being human. She is a totally blank slate with a gift that is essentially an extra sense or limb. Like, this girl cannot be ‘okay’. I believe in my heart of hearts that Alice functions differently to other people. I mean, I infer from canon that her visions taught her everything that she needed to know - from how to feed, to how to convince Jasper, to how to join the Cullens. She’s going to get the wrong answer? She’ll change what she says!

And that is utterly fucking terrifying - especially if she was aware and doing it intentionally. But I do not think she is, in that sense. I just don’t think she would have any idea of how to live without her visions showing her what to do next. Alice is a hostage to her own gift, and always has been. 

Even her interactions with Bella and Edward in canon are really uncanny, like she’s playing a role - which is more reflective of SMeyer’s piss-poor writing ability than any sort of intention - but indicative that Alice is Not Okay, and kind of explains a lot about how the Cullen family is portrayed. 

A lot of what I love about Alice, and her relationship with Jasper, are things I’ve absorbed from fan-content - what we can infer from the information we’ve been given. Her conviction about her and Jasper, to me, is beautiful and both terribly childlike, and something someone who has suffered deeply would absolutely cling to as a lifeline. The idea that Jasper isn’t just her husband, but her very best friend and confidant as well, paints such a lovely picture of the symbiosis they have. I think that, whilst it’s normally Poised, Confident Alice to Rescue Struggling Depressed Jasper portrayed in fandom, that there is a distinctive possibility that two individuals who were both fucked over in the gift department and were holding onto reality by a strand found each other and rescued each other might be closer to the truth.

I also LOVE fashion, so I kind of get Alice on that level; and I treat Alice - when I write her - as someone with mental illness (like myself) because I find that very satisfying to write, and to explore. I can PROJECT, which is super fun.

Jasper’s a close second because holy moly, he has so much potential from a fic-writing perspective? This is a man who was not a good person as a human - like, there are Varying Reasons he would join the Confederate Army and be proud of being a Major, but that’s a TOTALLY different piece of discourse so we’ll put a pin in that because statistically, it meant he was a racist fighting for racist ideals. And THEN he is changed into a vampire and joins the Southern Wars, falling further into evil as far as violence, hate, and senseless death goes. 

Like this man was a full monster.

And it was eating him alive.

So he just walked away. Alice did not save him. Peter did not save him. Jasper walked away. Peter gave him the opportunity to do so. Alice offered him goals and a way to improve who he is. There’s nothing he can do about the evil he sowed, the legacy he has created. And he has to live with that every single day for eternity. Has to deal with the burn of his thirst, exacberated by years of gorging on human blood, every single day. There is no solution to/for Jasper. It’s one hell or another. And that is so much fun from a fic-writing perspective. 

Plus his dynamic with Maria is so crazy fun - Mother? Lover? General? What does ‘good terms’ even mean? I assume it’s code for ‘cold war’ or ‘not actively seeking the other’s destruction’, but who knows. I love that. 

Jessamine is also super fun and beloved by me, but that’s because she’s either Jasper-derivitive or my particular portrayal of a separate character, so she doesn’t count. 

As for my least favourite, that honour goes to Edward. Full disclosure, I have not read Midnight Sun, only skimmed parts, because the only thing worse than that would be reading EdBella fic. 

I think he’s an arrogant, misogynistic, controlling little brat, honestly. He’s above the rules and the laws when it suits him - at the cost to everyone - and he condemns Rosalie and Jasper so quickly and thoroughly with very little in-text justification. 

He says that Rosalie is vain - well, Captain Dipshit, maybe after being violently and fatally gang-raped by a group including her fiance Rosalie might deal with a lot of body issues - and copes with them the best way she can. Maybe after being raised with a priority of being beautiful above all else, and then harmed in such a grotesque way because of her beauty, and then becoming more beautiful might fuck with your mental health a little, Eddie.

Edward has a bad habit of classifying women in absolutes like Madonna/Whore, depending on his personal beliefs - which, as a frozen 17 year old from the 1900s, is fairly goddamn dubious. Rosalie and Tanya are both ‘bad’, Esme, Alice, and Bella are all ‘good’. But there are no women that Edward fully ‘trusts’ or allows to ‘win’/direct him. He prizes Bella because of her unreadable mind - she is a puzzle and something to possess. They are never partners. Edward uses Alice, Who Tries Her Very Best, as a weapon against Bella multiple times. I often wonder if it isn’t Edward who encourages Alice, off-page/off-screen, to play dress-ups, to make Bella into what Edward expects in a wife. 

Edward is over-indulged by both Esme and Carlisle; honestly, with his gift, I wouldn’t be surprised if he manipulates the family into their slightly toxic dynamic (it’s hard to tell because of SMeyer’s obvious bias, and the perspective of the novels) because it benefits him so much. It puts him second only to Carlisle - Jasper cannot be trusted despite his comprehensive understanding of vampires, especially when it comes to turf battles, and Emmett’s just a frat boy. Or is this the portrait Edward has painted so he gets to be #1 Son?

Edward is the goddamn architect of every disaster the Cullens face because what he wants is dangerous and illegal. Without Edward’s Volterra Tantrum, Aro never would have challenged the Cullens in Breaking Dawn. Victoria’s attack would have been neutralised before the Cullens even got wind of it. Bella never would have gone cliff-diving or solo-hiking if Edward hadn’t dumped her in the cruelest way possible. 

I honestly, truly believe that Edward shouldn’t have had a mate, let alone a wife and child. 

Also, movie!Edward looked like he needed a fucking shower and a flea dip in nearly every scene. 

Bella’s a close second because I have known girls like Bella and fuck me, they are deeply unpleasant to be friends with. She fucks over EVERYONE in pursuit of Edward. I understand that she doesn’t have the same interests as Alice, but not once just she make a suggestion for an alternative activity or a compromise (and that could be Bad Writing again, because Bella appears to have very few hobbies beyond ‘reading’ but it’s what we’re working with). 

In fact, I would argue that Alice tries her very best to be Bella’s friend, but it’s a futile attempt - Bella tolerates Alice because of Alice’s proximity to Edward. If Alice had been a human student at Forks High, you can bet that Bella would have dumped her as fast as possible. Bella has very few moments where she’s positive about the people around her outside of the Cullens (by association with Edward) or Jacob. Charlie gets mostly pity. Everyone else is looked upon with disapproval and judgement (which, again, reflects toxic writing tropes.) 

And Bella martyrs herself at every opportunity. There’s a lot of discourse where Bella’s neglectful childhood is examined, but Bella fucking lunges into the ‘victim’ role at every possibility. And ultimately, I really don’t see Bella maturing or learning anything at all through the series. It’s always about what she wants, above everything else. She succeeds because she and Edward are incredibly selfish individuals who are enabled by the parental figures around them. 

Second runner-up is Carlisle. 

[obeymeluv]

Hi lovely! I’m not sure if your requests are open but I just worked out for the first time since ive gotten super depressed! It might not be that big of a deal but can I get some geadcannons on how the brothers would react to this? (: (their lover working out for the first time in months because of their mental illness)

I respect this so hard and am super proud of you. I have similar struggles so it always makes me happy to see someone able to get back up. Good job :) These headcanons will be short because I’m getting ready for bed and have to get into school mode, but here you go! ♥ 

Lucifer

It wasn’t uncommon for him to wake you up, or even gently start the day by sitting at your bedside and whispering sweet nothings

He opens the door soundlessly, as always, and is quite surprised to see you in the middle of doing a yoga series. Thankfully, your back is to the door

Pride blossoms in his chest and, for the first time, it doesn’t feel heavy like the burden of his sin

It’s warm and joyful and feels like an old memory of the Celestial Realm, a call back to happier days

His eyes mist over a bit but no one can confirm it

Lucifer is a perfect, beautiful statue that watches for a few poses before slowly inching back towards the doorway to peek around the corner

Pretends like he never saw anything when you go about the rest of your day, but is absolutely glowing when he looks at you.

Lavishes you in his fancy praise, as always. (”You look enchanting, my love. Simply radiant today.”)

Mammon

He’ll deny it to the day he dies, but he craves your company.

Actually, he’s more likely to admit it when you’re in a depressive episode because you’re tender and vulnerable and that’s how he really is when he lets his guard down. That’s when people need the most love, and you’ve put him back together so much that he wants to repay the favor 1,000x fold

Mammon’s very surprised to see you running careful laps up one set of stairs and down the set on the other end of the hallway (that explains why it took him so long to find you).

It’s like speed walking. He watches for a lap and a half to make sure you’re not rushing off anywhere. You know, making sure nothing’s serious

When he realizes you’re exercising in earnest he’s super stoked. Like, #1 hype man.

“That’s my human! Yeah!” Mammon becomes your cheerleader

Drops sly comments about how it’s actually a good glute workout and he’ll give you a massage afterwards

Keeps up with you more than you’d expect (models train hard, okay?) but does get bored. Maintains cheer position

Carries you around the rest of the day when your legs are sore

Levi

Levi had to do a fair bit of research on depression when he realized you weren’t converting to being a fellow otaku shut-in

The two of you still enjoyed cuddle times, and sometimes he could engage you in games, but the health of his beloved was important! Humans couldn’t be without exercise for too long or it would be bad for them

It’s super awkward but he tries to invite you swimming and things. Sometimes you just don’t have the energy. He understands, and is totally down for cuddling you (with partial back rubs) while playing games

Makes sure you eat and definitely splits his rations

Enjoys the small walks from his room to yours, and makes sure you guys drift between them a couple of times a day. That helps humans, right?

Levi realizes fairly quickly that you haven’t been to his room in a while and goes to check on you

You’re hopping in patterns across the floor, slowly making your way to his room.

You look like you’re having fun!

He’s not sure what you’re doing, but you hop, you squat, then you lunge.

You lock eyes with Levi mid-lunge and wobble a bit. He’s a little pink in the face, but because he’s laughing in sheer delight at how spooked you looked.

You end up flopping over and Levi crouches beside you, offering his hand

When he hears you finally had a burst of energy and wanted to work out, to start over again, he’s very proud of you

May or may not have compared you to Henry and shared some of the more harrowing moments the hero went through (also how he’s awesome and came back better than ever!)

Invites you for a swim and you actually accept

After some laps and splashing about, you spend time floating and cuddling

Satan

Depression is sometimes just a thing humans go through, Satan is finding out.

Between Devildom books and human books, he kind of understands

It’s a thing of time, and sometimes other methods help. He personally thinks the lack of sun in the Devildom is the main culprit

Gives you healthy snacks and tracks down vitamins

Tries to get you to walk the gardens but realizes he can’t force it

Sometimes he gets you outside, reading under trees and lanterns

Satan roamed the House of Lamentation, intending to steal you for another outside reading session, and was surprised to find you out there already

He watched from a high window, peeking tentatively from behind the thick curtain, and let the amused smile cut his lips

Suddenly, you disappeared out of sight. Satan waited for what felt like ages until the logic of ‘the fastest way between Point A and B is a straight line’ kicked in. He held his book carefully, unlatched the window, and jumped out

Demons have good joints and sturdier bodies. The drop and landing was nothing for him.

He calls your name and starts walking around.

It’s not until he’s made a full lap and you’re giggling (behind him somehow?) that he realizes you’re just leisurely walking laps around the house

Super embarrassed that he got worried (and that you ended up behind him). Jumps when you touch his shoulders or if you hugged him around the waist

You’re happy and...yourself for the first time in a while and Satan’s heart is so happy. Before you can break the hug, he twines his fingers with yours and just holds your hand to his body

Eventually you break away, kiss his shoulders, and start a game of tag that turns into sky-watching, and laying on his chest as he reads 

Asmodeus

He knows how to break hearts but he ALSO knows how to fix him

He’s always trying to get his brothers to hang out and make good memories. Despite what he says and how he acts, he really cares for them from the bottom of his heart

You count, too. You’re like, top tier. Basically family. VIP space. Maybe SPOUSE space (but that’s too fast for a human, right?)

Though rare and private, Asmo has his bad days, too. They can either be fixed, or they can’t. Usually things are just distractions. The heart will heal in its own time.

Asmo went to your room with the latest round of pampering but stopped short of announcing himself. Does he hear...music?

Nudging the door open with his foot, his eyes light up so pink the gradient is disappearing.

You’re dancing and humming, making faces at yourself in the mirror.

His heart clenches with a beautiful pain because you’re so vibrant and lively and he knows it was hard for you to find this again

The pampering is abandoned for an impromptu PRIVATE dance party

Silly and sweet things, waltzing and just being close, hugging as you sway side to side

Lots of forehead kisses and pet names.

Beelzebub

He didn’t think your behavior was out of the ordinary since Belphie slept a lot.

Beel is always motivated by something--food, sports, working out, family stuff--so he’s not familiar with the lack of desire to do anything

When he learns you’re not just catching up on sleep and you might be having a rough time, he asks Lucifer and Satan what to do

They decide you should work out. That releases endorphins in humans and that sounds like what you need!

The attempts don’t go well, but you’ll at least come out of your room and be a resistance weight for him

Beel went into the weight room to do some pre-warm up exercises. He was mentally planning his reps and figuring out what muscle groups were on the schedule when he heard the clinking of weights

His brothers had other ways of working out so that meant only one person could be in the weight room

Beelzebub stamped down the urge to rush in and watch you in all your occupied glory, reminding himself you could drop a weight on yourself (or worse)

His purr gives him away

He’s proud, borderline excited, and just purrs long and loud from the entryway

Jumps into the workout with you, doing light exercises

Beel gets a little playful adjusting your posture, but it’s all sweet hugs and rocking you back and forth

Regardless of what muscle groups were on the schedule for the day, it’s arm day because he’s lifting you up, throwing you a little, and catching you in his arms

Give this happy, snuggly boy some kisses  

Belphegor

He can sense your state of mind by the nature of his sin. He sleeps a lot and has a knack for telling when someone’s sleep is anything but restful

Belphegor’s not 100% sure, but he thinks he can tap into your dream space. There’s this little ball of sad-tired-something that lets him know you’re not okay

There’s quiet mini-dates that ease the sting of your sadness, but he knows it’s not enough

When he sleeps, he has dreams about you being happy and hopes he can push them into your mind

Cuddles fix things. He’s down for couple naps.

Belphegor goes in and out of sleep; it’s during one of his periods of waking that he notices you’re not there

Hugging his pillow, he shuffles about the House of Lamentation to find you

He finds you cleaning and organizing the kitchen. Cleaning is a sign of healing, right? Lots of movement?

Belphegor realizes you’re doing more than cleaning. You’re stretching and lifting things like they’re Beel’s weights

It looks time-consuming, and like you’ve been at it for a while

Belphie plonks his head on your shoulder, asking how you’re feeling. He’s got that sleepy Cheshire Cat smile

You’re just as happy as can be, happier than he’s seen you in a while, and you celebrate by stealing a bunch of snacks and making a blanket fort in his room 

Hope you liked it :)

[space-------kid]

Ack! It’s perfectly okay! But in short, Akaza, not hakuji, is human, still apart of the 12 moons, meets a flower shop owner, who after becoming friends with, ends up showing him a flower that they found, the blue spider lily, the flower of which he needs, and he contemplates over turning it in and potentially risking the owner’s safety (cause like, hey, where’d ya get the flower) and keeping here and potentially getting in trouble for not finding it. Maybe smol angst with a fluff ending?

Thank you for your patience, understanding, and clarification - I appreciate them very much! 😭💕💕💕

I hope you like what I come up with, anon! 😊💕

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𝓰𝓸𝓸𝓭𝓫𝔂𝓮, 𝓶𝓻. 𝓯𝓵𝓸𝔀𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓮𝓯 𝒽𝓊𝓂𝒶𝓃!𝒜𝓀𝒶𝓏𝒶 𝓍 𝑅𝑒𝒶𝒹𝑒𝓇

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

              The strum of Nakime’s biwa is the last thing he hears before he is transported away from the Dimensional Infinity Fortress. Akaza gets up from his kneeling position, sleep-deprived and mentally exhausted from his meeting with the demon he calls his master. Behind him, the sun is starting to rise from the horizon, signifying a new day he has to face with only one thing in mind.

                Despite his abhorrence for humans, Kibutsuji Muzan finds it in himself to tolerate the presence of the only man occupying a spot among his Twelve Demon Moons, more so giving said man the title of Upper Moon Three  – the rank branded on his back. Human though he may be, Akaza knows that Muzan favours him along with the top two Upper Moons because of his many uses. For one, no one will suspect that a human like him is willingly working for a demon. And two, he proves to be more useful in the progenitor of the demon’s search for the mysterious blue spider lily - having the capacity to look for the flowers in broad daylight rather than being limited by night. Perhaps these are simply the reason why Akaza hasn’t been turned into a demon yet, and he’d rather not if he’s being completely honest.

                The danger of being eaten or mercilessly killed by his fellow Moons remain, however, and it pervades within the ranks of the Lower Moons. While the Upper Moons may have been lenient because they also recognize the uses of a human belonging in the ranks and being of service to Muzan, the Lower ones hate Akaza with a burning passion. How could one measly human gain Muzan’s favour, something they can’t even obtain (maybe with the exception of Lower Five, Rui, who sees Muzan as a father-figure and Akaza some sort of an older brother)?

                But Akaza is used to the threats by now. He’s learned to live with every single one of them -- that, after all, is what it means to be a human who chooses to be subservient to the creator of demonkind.

                Prepared for another long day ahead of him, Akaza squares his shoulders and sets off on his journey.

--

                Akaza’s trail leads him to a post town called Magome located in the Kiso Valley.

                While the town doesn’t look promising enough with regards to his journey, the third Upper Moon still sees the charm of the place itself. He initially plans to stay only for a day and move along with his search, but he hears talk of Demon Slayers converging on the next town he is headed so he decides to lay low for a few days. While he is confident that he can take them on with the use of his Destructive Kill Style - a self-taught Breath Style he has formulated to oppose the Demon Slayers’ - he finds it prudent that secrecy will better help him with his quest for the time being.

                Akaza, however, doesn’t count on finding all three inns in the town fully booked. His displeasure must have shown on his face because most of the townspeople have been veering off his general direction. He would have ignored them, but a soft tap on his shoulder sends him turning around to look at whoever it is with a glare.

                Looking back, Akaza doesn’t expect that his short stay in Magome will earn him a friend in the form of [Name], an unassuming yet kind owner of the sole flower shop in the town. She has heard of his plight and - as her usual routine - offers to let him stay in her home above the shop. Akaza wants to turn down her request for he barely knows her save for some of the townsfolk encouraging him to do so. After all, they say, [Name] is known to take in those who have been unfortunate enough to be unable to find a place to stay in during their time in the town.

               He continues to harbour doubt. What if he’s a thief who wants to take advantage of her offer? What if he’s a murderer? His questions and doubt are short-lived, for [Name] is completely safe under the protection of three older brothers who live close. While not being a part of the Imperial Army nor his enemy the Demon Slayers, [Name]’s siblings are capable fighters who dabble in kyūdō, jiu-jitsu, and kenjutsu each. Despite being capable of defeating all three of them easily should a combat ensue, Akaza is more than satisfied with the knowledge that the unexpected and only friend he’s ever made is safe from the scum of humanity.

                And despite his better judgement, Akaza has actually enjoyed his short stay with [Name]. Aside from her kindness, he sees that she’s also understanding and considerate with other people’s plight. She seems to also possess the patience of a saint, and only gets angry for the right reasons. She knows not to pry with other people’s business if they choose to be secretive, but she’s also perceptive enough to know if someone is bearing any malicious intent or ill will towards her. But what Akaza finds endearing about her the most is that she is a genuine person - every action and decision she makes doesn’t contain even an ounce of a hidden agenda of some sort.

                After his stay, Akaza surprises himself with visiting [Name] at Magome whenever he can. He thinks at first that she will make a great asset with his search for the blue spider lily, what with her owning a flower shop and all. Slowly, however, he finds that the reason for his visit becomes less and less about the rare and mysterious his master has long coveted.

               The Upper Moon incognito gratefully accepts the tea [Name] serves him, fighting the urge to blush under her kind gaze. A bright smile is painted on her face as she begins chattering about the goings on in the town during his absence. Akaza shares the mundane events he encounters as well, mindful not to expose who he is, what his reasons for traveling are, and who he is allied with.

               “…then my brothers chased him away and threatened to throw him to prison if he ever sets foot in town because I found out that he’s a liar and has already promised the tailor Hanako-san marriage!” [Name] recounts of a time, during Akaza’s absence, where a shameless man attempted to court her despite being already engaged to one of her friends. “You would’ve disliked him instantly if you’ve been here and saw what he did, Akaza-san. That man has no respect for women!”

               Akaza quietly agrees, and it doesn’t escape his notice why the offender would offer [Name] courtship. She’s single and at the perfect age to get married. Aside from her behaviour, she is also an undeniably beautiful woman, with lively [colour] eyes, [length and colour] hair that flows like silk, and [tone] unblemished skin. She is very attractive, both in appearance and personality, and Akaza would be a hypocrite if he denies ever wondering what she’d look like in a shiromuku.

               Heat spreads on Akaza’s cheeks at the thought. Maybe… maybe when he’s done with his quest and Lord Muzan has finally achieved his goal, maybe Akaza can…

               He shakes his head at the thought. As much as he wants to court [Name] and later ask for her hand in marriage, he has a feeling that his master may not approve.

               But maybe Lord Muzan can make an exception? Maybe if Akaza can finally present the demon lord his long coveted blue spider lilies, maybe he’ll grant the third Upper Moon any desire he’d request?

               Akaza falters, almost dropping the cup and hearing [Name]’s worried gasp. He’s her friend, why is he thinking and desiring of marriage, of all things? And since when has he started to fantasize about making [Name] his woman? Does a male friend think of his female friend the way he does these past few months of knowing her?

               “I’m sorry,” he tells her with a reassuring smile. The lie – he’s the only one who manages to deceive her, why? – comes out smoothly from his lips as he greedily drinks in her reciprocating smile, “I’m just tired from the long journey. I apologize for making you worry.”

               Red paints [Name]’s cheeks as she holds the tray close to her chest. Akaza likes to think that it is because she is affected by his smile, just as hers affects him in more ways than one.

               “O-Oh!” She blinks in surprise and ducks her head in embarrassment at his claim. “I’m sorry for dragging you off to chat as soon as you came, Akaza-san! Please stay here and let me tidy up your room!”

               She is up to her feet before he can stop her, and he tilts his head in curiosity when she rushes back to him with an excited smile on her pretty face.

               “Before I forget–! You should come to the forest with me, tomorrow, Akaza-san!” [Name] tells him, looking positively thrilled that it bleeds into Akaza’s chest. “I found something that I want to show only you!”

               Something that has excited her– something that she wants to show only to him?

               Akaza smiles softly at her retreating form, anticipation building in his entire being. He can’t wait for tomorrow to come.

--

               The trek to the forest has showered Akaza with opportunity to spend more time alone with [Name]. While her older brothers have been kind and open to him, they still exude that protective air around her whenever Akaza’s gaze stays at her longer than they’re comfortable with.

               Kiso Valley is beautiful during the summer season. He admires the way [Name]’s face lights up as she points at the flowers they pass by on the trail, explaining to Akaza that the area is where she mostly gets and cultivates the flowers she sells in her shop. He’s seen and heard her talk about her beloved shop and flowers for what seems to be a hundred times already but Akaza doesn’t tire about the topic – not one bit, not when [Name] glows with passion for the things she loves.

               The trail soon becomes steep, and Akaza is quick grab [Name] by the waist when she almost stumbles in the uneven ground. He can feel her softness through the fabric of her kimono, marvelling at how perfect she fits against his battle-hardened frame. They stare at each other in surprise, the close proximity between the two of them painting their faces a bright shade of red. Akaza reluctantly lets her go, immediately missing her soft and sweet frame against his, and he wonders if it has just been his imagination working in overdrive when he notices that [Name] sort of looks like she is feeling the same. He offers her his hand instead, and his heart leaps with joy when she shyly accepts his offer.

               [Name] looks around fifteen minutes later, seemingly checking for anyone in the trail with them.

               “Do you see anyone else here, Akaza-san?” she then asks him, her free hand clutching the sleeve of his dark blue gi like a child looking for an adult’s guidance. Akaza bites his lip to keep himself from smiling at the adorable sight, and focuses in their surroundings.

               Utilizing his heightened perceptions, Akaza shakes his head at [Name] when the only battle spirit he senses in the area is hers. “We’re the only ones here, [Name]-san,” he tells her, squeezing her hand reassuringly.

               [Name] smiles eagerly up at him and, to his surprise, leads him off the trail. They walk in silence deeper into the forest, to Akaza’s mounting confusion. [Name] seems to be growing more excited while they walk, and a gasp of delight slips past her lips when they reached a small clearing.

               “They’re here again!” she exclaims giddily and excitedly tugs Akaza along with her. Akaza looks around, unable to find the source of her excitement until his blues eyes shifts their focus on the small patch of flowers in the middle of the clearing.

               “Look, Akaza-san! Aren’t they pretty?”

               Heart beating wildly in his throat, Akaza gazes wide-eyed at the blue spider lilies before him. He cannot believe what he is seeing, cannot believe that the one thing his master has been looking for for centuries now lay in front of him.

               Akaza’s done it, he has succeeded more than the rest of his fellow Upper Moons! His long search for the mysterious blue spider lily has finally come to an end!

               [Name]’s delighted laughter reaches Akaza’s ears, snapping him out of his stupor. He watches as she plucks one of the blue spider lilies and shyly offers it to him.

               “I knew the sight of them would render you speechless,” she tells him softly, [colour] eyes glowing with pride and happiness, “just like they did to me when I first saw them two years ago.”

               Akaza lets [Name] guide him down until they are both seated on the grassy earth. He takes the proffered flower and studies it with open curiosity, prompting her to tell him what she knows of the strange flowers.

               “I found them by accident, you know,” [Name] says. “My first thought upon seeing them was how much money I could be earning should I sell them, but I realized that they’re better off staying here and flourishing by themselves. They’re strange, see, and I found out why the hard way. From what I’ve observed, they only bloom for three days every year! They only bloom during daylight and wilt when the sun sets. How very strange!”

               Ah. So that was why Lord Muzan’s search has been ruthless for the past centuries. The only thing he needs to fully unlock the immortality he so craves is perfectly guarded by the Sun he cannot conquer. And with such a short lifespan, it’s no wonder his fellow Upper Moons’ contacts cannot find even the shadow of the blue spider lilies.

               The success belongs to Akaza now, doesn’t it? He’s finally found the blue spider lilies. Plans to contact Lord Muzan and tell the latter of his find runs rampant in Upper Moon Three’s mind, but [Name]’s smiling face instantly derails his thought process.

               He knows Lord Muzan is a man who believed that his word is absolute. If Akaza tells him that he’s found the flowers through [Name], he is sure that the progenitor of demons would hold her accountable for his centuries’ worth of fruitless searching. Lord Muzan will accuse her of keeping the blue spider lilies’ existence and location a secret, thus endangering her and her brothers’ life should Akaza report his find.

               Akaza reminds himself that his loyalty is with Muzan alone. But what stands in his way of proving that loyalty comes in the form of the only friend he’s ever made his whole life – a friend whom he is quickly falling in love with. Would he be willing to trade the happiness [Name]’s presence offers him for the undying loyalty and servitude he’s first offered Muzan? Would he willingly go far as to endangering her life for the fulfillment of his mission?

               “I’ve been keeping their existence a secret from the townsfolk and the outsiders,” he hears [Name] speak to fill in the silence between them. Akaza looks at her, and he is reduced to admiring the way her cheeks flushed under his gaze, how her eyes brightened the longer she stares at him.

               Akaza’s heart is flooded with a surge of warmth and deep affection at the words she say next.

               “I want them to be just mine and Akaza-san’s secret, because… because Akaza-san is special to me!”

               The way [Name] speaks with such conviction has Akaza come to a decision himself.

               He would rather get himself into trouble for keeping his discovery a secret than to have the only light in his life be snuffed out because of him. He would lie to his fellow Demon Moons, would lie to Muzan himself, if it would keep [Name] safe. Akaza has never been this sure his entire life – in exchange for making him experience what it feels and means to be happy again, he would willingly die in his master’s hands in exchange of [Name]’s safety.

--

               At the end of the day and their trip to the forest, Akaza promises [Name] that the blue spider lilies’ existence will be their secret.

               The third Upper Moon – should he still call himself that? – gazes up at the moon through his room’s window. He can hear [Name] moving in her room next to his and soon enough, her soft footsteps approach. Akaza turns just in time to see her silhouette through the shoji door.

               “Akaza-san? I’m sorry for the intrusion, but are you still awake?”

               He gets up from his seat and moves to open the door. [Name] blushes under his gaze. She is carrying a tea set on a tray with her, and she seems to be fidgeting where she stands.

               “W-Would you like a cup of tea before you sleep?”

               She is acting like a caring wife, and Akaza is now convinced that he won’t trade her for anything in the world.

               He lifts a hand and softly pats her twice on the head, smiling affectionately at the meek smile she gives him.

               “Only if you join me,” he softly tells her. He quickly backpedals, however, when he realizes that he hasn’t been clear with his words when [Name] gapes up at him with wide eyes and a deep blush on her face. “W-With the tea– d-drinking t-tea, I mean! Please, h-have a cup of t-tea with me, b-b-before I sleep!”

               Face still flushed a lovely shade of red, [Name]’s tinkling laughter echoes in her humble home as she enters Akaza’s room.

.

.

.

.

[universe-n-3276]

Carrying the Moon.

Summary: Something happens at the beginning of their last year at the university. Sander takes a life-changing decision.

Note: This fic follows what happened in my last social media au, it features the same characters but you can easily read it without knowing the whole story. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

Chapter 1

Sander never liked summer at all. It is always too hot, sweaty, and sticky. It also ruined his aesthetics, because his favorite clothes were more suited for the colder season. Shorts and flip flops did not exactly match his slightly edgy-artist style. And then, as if all of that wasn’t torture already, he had to store his precious Dr. Martens in the closet, together with his beloved leather jacket. Whenever it was time to leave it on the hanger and abandon it in the dark, for at least two months, his heart wept as if he were punishing his dearest friend.

However, June and July were usually bearable. He kept repeating to himself that, if the summer lasted only two months, it wouldn't be so bad. Instead, August always came by eventually, as if it was the Sunday of the year. August was just too much to deal with. Too hot, boring, and extremely long.

Not even the prospect of spending days with Robbe cheered him up anymore, because at some point they both agreed that the temperature was too hot to even try to cuddle, and all that sweat was worth only for some very specific occasions. Furthermore, their poor fan was close to his final act, becoming slower and slower every day.

That whole year had been extremely stressful for everyone.

It was their second last year of university, and all the members of the gang worked hard to catch up on the exams they had neglected, in order to graduate together, the following summer.

That had been the plan from the start, if it wasn’t for the fact that, nine months before, Charlotte got pregnant. Her boyfriend, Max, had pushed her to carry on with the pregnancy, but when she reached the seventh month, he simply disappeared. Everyone had feared for the physical and mental health of Charlotte and the baby. She cried for two weeks in a row, but then she was back on schedule, studying, and seeing her therapist.

On the 12th of August, Charlotte had given birth to a baby boy, and from that moment, everything went down quickly, because not even 24 hours later, she announced to everyone that she wanted to give her son up for adoption, but at last, her parents convinced her to take home the, still unnamed, newborn.

A month passed since that day, and nothing had changed. Her family and friends helped Charlotte to look after the child, but she refused to see and touch him in any way.

On a Wednesday morning, Sander walked into the apartment, where his mother had been living alone with Charlotte since their parents had divorced. It had been a fairly peaceful decision. They simply parted ways but decided to stay friends.

However, that day took a strange turn, when his mother greeted him with a sad look, rather than her cheerful smile, which both of the twins had inherited. She cradled Charlotte's baby in her arms, feeding him with a bottle of formula.

"I'm going to see how Charlotte is doing."

Sander said after greeting his mother with a kiss and gently stroking the baby's head. He felt a strange feeling growing in his stomach, as he headed to his sister's room.

"Charlotte’s not home. She left something on your bed though. You should read it. "

After his mother had uttered those words, all the happiness, with which he had left his home that morning, definitely disappeared. He walked briskly to his room, and on the bed, he found a letter with his name handwritten on the envelope. He quickly opened it.

His hands were shaking already.

Sander,

Your heart is probably pounding in your chest right now, so, listen to me for once in your life and sit down, close your eyes and breathe the way you should, when a panic attack is about to hit you. 

Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out.

You didn’t listen, right? You’re reading this fourth line, but your mind is so clouded with worry, that you haven't understood half of what I wrote. So go back, re-read everything, breathe and keep in mind that I'm fine.

Done?

Good.

You may be wondering where I am, and why I wrote you a letter, but I couldn't do what I'm about to do, looking you in the eyes. I don't often show it with my gestures and even less with words, but my bond with you is the most important of my life. You're the person I care the most about, and just one negative word from you would hurt me more than a thousand insults from someone else. This is why I am writing this because I know you wouldn't agree with my decision.

I have to go away, Sander. I worked too hard to build the life I wanted to live, and you know it. I struggled to keep up with my colleagues, and I tortured myself to do better than them, and eventually, I succeeded. 

I haven’t mentioned it to you, because, until last week, I hadn’t the gut to take this step, and in the last few months, my life has changed its direction so many times, that I didn't really know what to do with my dreams anymore.

I got the scholarship I applied for. The University of Sydney. Yes, Sydney in Australia. At this very moment, I am already at the airport. Don't try to stop me, please.

I assure you, it was a deliberate decision. This isn’t coming from a hormonal shift or my illness. You can ask my therapist, she knows everything, and I gave her permission to talk to you about me if you need to be reassured by her.

Over the past few years, I've seen you create a beautiful life for yourself. When we moved to Lucas' school, you had nothing, you started from scratch, and look how far you've come! You became a fantastic, loving, talented man. Whenever you walk into a room, everyone stops to look at you, because you are bright and dazzling, just like the sun. We are just mere planets, waiting for you to shine on us, even for the briefest moment. I know you will never believe it because, in that beautiful head of yours, you see yourself not as a star, not even as the moon. You see yourself as Pluto, a bigger asteroid that has been mistaken for a planet by some heedless scientist.

I have the strength to leave, only because I know that Robbe will always be next to you. You couldn't choose a better man to share your existence with. I know that, even if you’d break into a thousand pieces, he would be able to put you back together. 

I can't wait to see your whole life together, your engagement, marriage, and your five children, which I will love madly. I'll be there for all of these things, it's a promise, so don't be sad.

Regarding the other matter, which I know you are thinking about, I also took care of him. Ever since Max left, I knew, I couldn't do it alone, and that he would probably be better with someone else. Unfortunately, mom and dad are no longer together and don't want to take care of him alone. 

I just asked them to deal with the papers. I hope, he will be adopted soon by someone who can love him even if he carries the moon inside of him like me. 

I'm not fit to be a mother. I would be a burden to him, and I know this is the right choice.

I already miss you, Sander. 

Hug Robbe for me.

I love you.

Charlotte

Sander didn’t know when he had started to cry. He reread his sister's letter at least twenty times, to be able to understand it in its entirety.

Charlotte was gone.

She had taken the decision to give her baby up for adoption.

His head was spinning, he could still feel his heart running in his chest, but while he was reading that letter again for the fourteenth time, a thought had bravely made its way into his head. 

Sander couldn't fall apart, he had to be strong.

His new life was about to begin.

[next]