#mentally and emotionally I’m still here ughhhhh

[marichatness]

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[nitw]

sad vent thing incoming im sorry rjhgdfvjdkg

ughhhhh thinking about my ex and how like obviously incompatible we were in hindsight. i was a very very very different person 3 years ago.

my lifelong experience with autism and untreated mental illness and abuse/neglect meant that i never got to have a normal childhood, and that SEVERELY fucked up my late teenage years. before i knew it i was 17 and i had no idea what that meant. i was still isolated, emotionally repressed, and constantly felt guilty for being so different from other teens bc i’d never learned how to mask or pick up on social cues.

getting into a committed romantic relationship at that point in my life was one of the stupidest things i could’ve done, especially because of how it impacted my ex. i always knew in the back of my mind that i was hurting them, even if i totally didn’t mean to. i was a lot!! i was pushy, way too direct, often came off as inconsiderate, and tbh i was kinda fucking stupid. and like i realize NOW that i really didn’t know any better, i was a traumatized neurodivergent child posing as an almost-adult, who was never given a proper chance to learn about the world. i don’t feel /guilty/ about being the way i was anymore, but i do feel sorry for my ex.

they’re the same age as me now and i know they’re much better off without me. they were always a lot smarter than me, and even though they had their own troubles, i always felt like they had more control over their life. and ig i was envious of that, and i kind of projected onto them to “prove myself” if that makes sense. but just the fact that i held them back FOR SO LONG from realizing that they’re sapphic....that hurts the most.

for the record i’ve never had animosity towards them, and i know they just wanted me to be happy, too. so i’m relieved that they seem to be doing better. i mean, i’m doing better too. and i’m honestly glad they broke up with me, since i probably wouldn’t have had the guts to break up with them, because i rlly think i needed that in order to come to terms with everything i’ve written here.

[addigni]

Hi. You are awesome and I hope you feel better soon. I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to or anything. Please don't give up you can get through this and things will get better. *powerhugs*

thank you so much for this message

but i just don’t know though

see like i’ve been in a state of very bad major depression before and i really tried my best to crawl my way out of that one through every outlet and help that i could get; therapy, tumblr rants, friends, lots of self-patience, lots of lowered standards of self-expectations, etc etc -- doing all those things while i get my mental state back up to mostly healthy ish

but now it’s going down again, and it’s not random, it’s because of the same reasons again; i can’t get a job again, the stress of moving again and i have to get out of this place by the end of november, and i also have classes that i want to be good at but i’ currently still suck at, and i have to deal with everything and everyone’s bank loan or whatever stuff coz now i’m the only one left in this country so i have to do all of it on their behalf  and my skills are still not good and my portfolio is still unimpressive and my family is struggling financially again and so on and so forth and i just........ughhhhh...........there’s no time to waste with the self-care or lowering self-expectation or self-pressure stuff because all those things -- the money, the job to help my family, the moving --  are tangible issues that NEEDS to be done and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i just wanna skip to the part where nothing happens anymore y’know? i’m just so tired, mentally, socially, emotionally, physically, everything 

oh my sorry for the sudden rant