#mental health hasn't been this bad since... oh guess what???

[writerrinthedarksblog]

You're okay | Pedro Pascal

TW: depression

Y/N pov:

These last few days have been hard. There's just so many things going on inside my head, I can barely focus on anything.

It's currently 7 pm here in New York and I swear I just want to scream. I'm supposed to memorize my lines for my upcoming movie that starts shooting in a few weeks but I simply can't. Everything is so messed up right now. My mind is driving me insane. I've been locked up in my apartment for 2 days by now, my phone was somewhere in my place but I didn't give a fuck about checking my messages or answering the calls. I just want myself back, I don't want to feel depressed again, I'm so freaking scared. I even lost my appetite because of how nauseous I've been feeling. Everything inside of me was hurting.

I've been struggling with my mental health since I was a teenager because of some bad traumas, but I haven't had a relapse for a long time. I really thought I was getting better, but I guess I'm not. All I can think about is how insufficient I feel. Why can't I just feel good for once?

I'm laying on the floor and July by Noah Cyrus was playing in the back. My head hurts because of all the stress and anxiety. I feel so mentally drained.

My self destructive mind is destroying me slowly. I feel like everyone is sick of me, why would they even like me if I'm such a mess? What would my boyfriend think of me? He's such a lovely, sweet person and here I am, a living disaster. I'm not good enough, how is he in love with me? Am I even a good actress? What if the people on the internet are right about me? I'm so sick of myself.

I started sobbing, trying to let go of my bottled up emotions. Why is everything so hard? I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Suddenly someone started knocking at my door and I panicked. I don't want anyone to see me this weak and vulnerable.

"Y/N, please open the door" Pedro said, "Amor please let me in" he said in a worried tone.

"I- I- I can't" I said with a broken voice.

"Baby what's going on?" he said with a sad tone

Pedro's pov:

I've been trying to reach my beloved girlfriend since yesterday, it's extremely rare of her to just go missing. I thought she was busy working on those lines she told me about, but this was getting very weird, so I decided to call her best friend Florence to ask her if she knows something.

"Hey Pedroouu, what's up?" Flo said in her british accent.

"Hii Flo, I was just wondering if you know something about Y/N, she hasn't been answering my calls or texts since yesterday and I'm getting very worried" I said.

"She didn't answer me either, I just hope she's not..." Flo said in a worried voice.

"She's not what?" I interrupted her.

"I don't know if she talked to you about this, but Y/N gets this depressive episodes sometimes and she gets to isolate herself as a coping mechanism because you know... it's hard. It's really weird though, it's been a while since the last one" Flo explained.

"She never told me about this" I said.

"Well, it's probably because she doesn't want to feel like a burden. You should go to her place, let her know that you're there for her. At the beginning of our friendship it was really hard for her to open up with me. She really hates showing her most vulnerable side to anyone, especially people she really cares about. I would visit her but I'm shooting in Scotland right now" Flo said.

"Oh and let me tell you Pascal, Y/N gets extremely sensitive when she's going though some deep shit so please be patient, and take her some sweets, it will help to lift up her mood" Flo told me.

"I'm heading out to her place now, thank you so much Flo, I'll let you know how she's doing" I said.

"Please take care of my best friend, byee" Flo said ending the call.

I ran out to buy some of Y/N favourite's sweets and some pink tulips before heading to her apartment, luckily she lives close to my place here in Manhattan so I didn't have to take the subway.

When I got to her door, I heard some music and loud sobs. It broke my heart. I started knocking at her door, but she didn't answer.

"Y/N, please open the door" I said extremely worried.

"Amor please let me in" I begged.

"I- I- I can't" she said with a broken voice.

"Baby what's going on?" I said.

"Please go away" she said sobbing.

"I'm not leaving you, Y/N. Please just open the door, I'm here for you" I said putting my forehead in her door.

A few seconds later, the music stopped and she opened the door. She was wearing a big Fleetwood Mac shirt that she probably stole from me, some shorts and her favourite avocado socks, looking like a homeless man as she would say... Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks and nose were a bit red from all the crying. The view broke my heart.

"Amor" I said in a low voice.

She broke down crying again covering her face with her hands. Immediately I left the grocery's bag on the small side table, to hug her right there. She just kept sobbing on my chest.

"Shhh, everything's okay, you're okay" I said trying to comfort her.

"I- I feel so drained and it's so overwhelming" she said crying.

"I know baby, I know. But I'm here for you and I promise that everything will get better, you will feel better" I said kissing her forehead.

I carried her to the couch and I sat her in my lap. She cuddled closer to my chest feeling a bit calmed. I caressed her face with my hands trying to clean the dry tears while she played with her fingers nervously. I left a kiss in her forehead and in the peck of her nose making her giggle.

I came close to her lips to finally kiss her gently, and when I felt her smile during it, I felt the happiest man alive. She's the most perfect girl I've ever seen. Even at her worst she has me mesmerized. I wish she could see herself from my eyes.

"Why are you staring? I know I look awful" She said.

"I'm admiring how gorgeous you are, mi vida. Thank you for being vulnerable with me, I know it's hard for you to let someone see you like this" I said.

"Thank you for being here for me even at my worst, it really means a lot" she said.

"I will always be here for you, amor. So don't try to push me away because I will always stay close to you, on your good days or bad days. I will never leave your side, Y/N. I love you so much and I really wish I could take all your pain away. You have the prettiest soul, and I wish you could see how everyone around you is completely mesmerised by you, especially me. You're like a ray of sunshine in a cloudy day". I told her.

"I know your mind can play you wrong sometimes, but I promise that you're worth of all the good things and I'm so lucky of calling you mine. Everything will get better baby and I will be here by your side, always." I said putting my forehead against hers, caressing her cheek.

"I love you so so much Pedro" she told me tearing up a bit.

"I love you more, mi vida" I said leaving a kiss on her lips.

"Do you wanna see what I brought you?" I said cleaning her tears with my hands.

"What is it?" She said smiling.

I stood up to get the sweets and flowers out of the bag. I walked to the couch and I saw the way her eyes glowed when she saw what I had in my hands.

"You didn't have to, they're beautiful" she said hugging me. I wrapped my arms around her waist.

"I will never lose a chance of spoiling my favourite person, you deserve so many beautiful things, te amo más de lo que puedes imaginar" I said.

She left a small and cute kiss on my lips, before saying that she loves me too.

We spent the rest of the night watching some funny videos on tik tok and eating the sweets, eventually Y/N started feeling a bit better. We even called Flo and she showed us how her precious dog Billie was wearing her wig from the movie she was filming, making us explode in laughs.

_

ok so I didn't know how to finish this... I hope it's finee. pls let me know if I wrote something wrong, english is not my first language and sometimes i get confused with the grammar. anygays enjoyyy💗

xoxo,

mills.

[disdaidal]

I don't think I've ever put this much effort into composing a more 'professional-looking' CV, but here we are.

I'm so glad I got help with this though. I've got my own 'social worker'/personal trainer now. He helped me narrow down some choices today, and what to put in my application/resume, and I'm feeling so much better already.

I'm a typical Finn: I don't know how to fucking compliment myself or 'sell' my talents, so it gave me a lot of stress.

In fact, I was stressing about this meeting all weekend. I had heartburn for two nights, a splitting headache yesterday, and an upset stomach this morning. I kept worrying about how to support myself the next month, too. But I got some advice and tips and consolation today, so when I got back home, I instantly got to work and started filling out some applications etc. etc., so I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off of my shoulders (for a while now, at least).

This shouldn't stress me too much, though. We're primarily searching me a place to train (ofc actual employment would be grand) and the focus is on my health (both mental and physical). If one place doesn't work out, I can try another place. I have my own assistant, a nurse, a physiotherapist, a doctor and so on, so I should expect to work with professionals here.

I've been depressed as fuck since the beginning of this year after my last school/training went down the drain. I have attention deficit issues, mood swings, memory problems, problems with arranging and envisioning stuff and so on. I'm prone to stress and I have experienced a burn-out more than once.

I also have hypermobility in my joints and again had serious back/hip pains last week which prevented me from doing many things actually, including going to that group therapy course thing. So, you might guess why this isn't exactly ideal in the current work environment and culture, and why I've had problems employing myself successfully, or for longer periods.

I also temporarily moved to another apartment 14km away from my home because the bathroom renovations started in my apartment last week. The moving was undeniably stressful (one of my stepbros helped me, though <3), but living here for a little over a week now hasn't been so bad. My neighbors aren't noisy, and I got a great view of a small lake from where I sit now, so things could be worse.

The only not-so-great-thing is that I'm going to have to go downstairs and share a shower with one of my neighbors who so happens to be a man, but thankfully I haven't even met him yet, so let's hope nothing awkward will happen there (lol).

But my landlord texted me today to ask me 'how are you doing, is everything alright there in your temporary apartment, and oh they said they should be done with renovations about halfway through next month, no water damage fortunately'

So yeah, that's pretty good news, too.

[getvalentined]

Finally updated my directory with the links to bsky and cara, as well as links to my screenshot and gif tags for easier access (for me, mostly) and the Strifentine tag because it belongs with my top ships.

I keep wondering if I should put a little list of my NOTPs and disliked characters up there too, but ehhh. I have one on my website, and the fact that I dislike a ship or a character doesn't mean I'm gonna talk shit or anything. I don't like Ang*al and still dedicated almost 2k words to creating closure for the character at the end of Smoke and Mirrors, I don't like Lucrecia and I still go to bat for her pretty regularly—these are good characters, I just don't personally like them, and don't like how the fandom treats them. Ships are a little more touchy, since people can be really bad at tagging them, but I can just scroll on by and not engage in conversation about them for the most part.

More personal random update nonsense under the cut.

I'm actually feeling really down lately, for a handful of reasons. Some of it is the weather and air quality recently (it's so hot I want to throw up, there's been smoke in the air so I can't breathe, etc.), but some of it is more...mental and emotional, I guess.

I am so artistically burnt out I kinda want to die (I have no plans to make this happen, don't worry), but I'll deal with it. I've been like this since Turtle's health scare a few months back, when I got less than ten hours of sleep in the span of a week, and then proceeded to get less than five hours a night for the two weeks following, so it's no shock I'm still a mess. It doesn't seem like it's going anywhere any time soon, which sucks because I still owe people commissions from fundraising for her treatment. I may end up just...saving up to refund people.

The issue is that I feel like I can't draw unless I'm working on commissions, but when I try to work on commissions I literally burst into tears and can't do anything. It's a really fucked up cycle where I end up just paralyzed and on the verge of throwing up every time I even think about drawing, which is super hard on me as an artist. I feel like a failure, I feel like I'm letting everyone down, I feel like I'm ruining everyone's opinions of me forever. It's a really shitty feeling.

I'll figure something out. I'm an adult, that's what I have to do.

Speaking of people with ruined opinions of me, I think I'm going to start muting or unfollowing people who reblog/interact a lot with BB$C. I know she has a lot of friends, and maybe she's gotten better, but she still has me blocked so I'm not exactly hopeful. This is the woman who (apparently) told her friends that I abused and lied about her because one of my friends reported and called her out for tracing, and when she faced no consequences I made a vague sad thread on the general topic of popularity rendering unethical behavior acceptable in modern fandom. I only found out that she was seemingly telling people I abused her because one of her friends made a public comment on the twits about me being abusive—on a QRT of my thread detailing how I'd spent the previous year being abused by my now-ex. Very cool for me, the knowledge that some people saw that I'd been abused and went "oh she deserves it though" doesn't haunt me to this day or anything.

It's been a couple years since it all went down, but I just...I dunno, I feel like it's hard to genuinely improve as a person without even trying to make amends with the person she said those things about? But who knows. I'd be down to talk if she ever wanted to, but she hasn't yet, and I don't assume she will. I'm one of like four people on the planet who cares anyway, so it is what it is.

Summer is a rough time of year for me in general, so I'm struggling a lot recently with feeling like I deserve to even talk to other people at all. Constantly seeing the name of someone who went out of her way to make sure that I'd never feel welcome in a community I've been part of for a quarter century pop up on my dash all the time is not conducive to fighting that feeling.

Not to pity party over here, but I do get it. My older sister, my ex, BB$C—they're charming and creative and supportive, the people that they like generally don't get to see how they can be to the people that they don't. In the rare cases that they do see it, they change the narrative to make that person into something irredeemable, downplaying their own actions (if they admit to them at all) while exaggerating the actions of the person they dislike. These people have friends that genuinely love them, so of course they're going to believe their friend over some sad-sack stranger on a dying blogging platform. It's no fault to these people that they believe their friends.

(Just to clarify, I'm not saying that my ex tried to kill me the way my older sister did, or that BB$C was abusive in the way my ex was; these are diminishing levels of trauma. She and I were never friends, our sole one-on-one interaction was me approaching her on a zine project to make sure she was comfortable with me having created a piece of spot art that seemed to have ripped off her page art; I'd done it without realizing the concept had already been used elsewhere in the project, and didn't want her to assume I was copying her without credit. The irony of this is not lost on me.)

It would just be nice to feel like the truth means anything. I'm an abusive liar because I apparently said that this woman traced a bunch of her work; not only did I not report her, but it also isn't a lie. There are overlays with over a half-dozen screenshots and official renders to prove it. But even when her friends are shown those overlays, which I have done, it doesn't matter. The goal posts move, and suddenly I'm abusive just for caring that she traced at all. Allegedly lying is what made me abusive, but somehow I'm still abusive even if I didn't lie—and she's still the nicest person in the world, even though she did.

I do hope she's better. I hope her friends have helped her to become the kind of person who looks back at what she did with guilt and shame, and that she uses those feelings to improve. But seeing her name pop up over and over, sometimes from people who know what she did and still decided to re-follow her years later anyway, is a little too much for me to handle right now.

[thefirsthogokage]

Criminal Minds: 1x21 - Secrets and Lies Reactions

I guess that was pretty heroic for the guy to die for her. But they are definitely going to be able to tell that fun shot was postmortem.

----

Oh, the government made it look like suicide. Of course.

Oh right! This is the CIA episode! (Incase it hasn't been clear, I watched this show when it originally aired for a while, but I stopped watching maybe around S5 or S6. I think it was really bad for my mental health at that point. Not great now, but I'm bored and want familiar characters.) Explains the other guy being willing to die like that.

----

Yeah, that doesn't look like suicide. You would have bruising at the wrist and ankles. No way to hide that from a corner who isn't in on it.

----

I think I remember who did this. I could very well be wrong though.

----

Oh wait I'm remembering this a bit more. A very small amount, but I think my memory is correct.

----

Oh right. Second dead body. Feels pretty dumb in a locked down building.

----

It would be super dumb for someone to upload a virus from their computer and to delete their own files, geezus Derek and Elle!

----

Istg I know that little girl from something.

(what an idiot the mother is)

I've seen her do child actor things before. Was it in Weeds? Could have been that.

----

Yup. I remembered right.

I guess FBI can arrest anyone anywhere, and since he committed a crime - or attempted to - in international waters, they could arrest him for that. And they came jurisdiction because she was trying to defect. I guess that's pretty clever.

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

I hate it here.

[actuallysaiyan]

How You Gonna See Me Now(Vegeta x Fem!Reader)

Word count: 1,242 Warnings: mental health mentions, depression mentions, general smuttiness, oral sex, Vegeta acting a little OOC but he cares, fluff. Pairings: Vegeta x Fem!Reader Summary: Reader hasn't been coming to spar with Vegeta for a while and he gets the clue when Bulma finally spills the beans that reader hasn't been feeling great. A/N: This is for the very wonderful @beneathstarryskies

His sparring partner is late. Vegeta isn’t just annoyed, he’s a little worried now. It’s been multiple days since you showed up. You’re usually on time and most days, even a little early. He’s not sure what happened to you, but he hates admitting to himself that if it’s anything bad, he’d go searching for the Dragon Balls to wish you back to life. He hates that he’s grown this weak, but he’s so worried for you.

Vegeta trains on his own for a little bit, but he doesn’t like how lonely it is. It’s quiet here without you. He makes his way back to the main building of Capsule Corp only to bump into Bulma. He wonders if he should inquire about you, but he chickens out. He goes to his room and finds it very difficult to fall asleep for a nap.

A few more days go by, and still you don’t show up. Now Vegeta is enraged. He’s beyond worried. You’ve always managed to let him know if you wouldn’t show up. But it’s been days. Vegeta needs to know what happened to you. He promises himself not to chicken out when he sees Bulma today.  He’s going to ask her about you, even if it’s a little embarrassing.

“She’s not here? Well, I guess that only means one thing.” Bulma muses, and this angers Vegeta.

“Spit it out, woman! Where is she? What happened to her?”

“Vegeta, she’s depressed.”

Vegeta is stunned at these words. You’ve never really appeared that way before. You’ve always been so happy and jovial. Even so much so that you rival Kakarot’s moods sometimes. It’s annoying when it’s him, but when it’s you, it makes Vegeta’s heart skip a beat. He knows he needs to get to you before you might do something you’ll regret.

He flies to your apartment, but not before stopping to get you some food that he knows you like. It’s a little flustering for him to have to do this stuff, considering this isn’t his forte whatsoever. Vegeta is no stranger to emotions, but he has a hard time trying to console and comfort people. He often finds himself being too gruff or saying the wrong thing. But this time, he needs to try his best to make you feel better.

Once at your apartment with all the stuff he bought, he knocks on the door. There’s no answer for a few moments, but you open the door slowly. He sees the bags under your eyes and you’re wearing baggy sweatpants and a hoodie. Vegeta understands depression fairly well, though he masks it with a lot of his tough guy attitude and his want to be stronger than Kakarot. You usher him inside.

“Oh Vegeta, what are you doing here?” Your voice is cracking a little, and you want to cry. You’ve been crying all day, but seeing him here makes you feel even worse.

“What’s going on? Haven’t you been taking care of yourself? You foolish woman,”

But he stops when he sees you crying. He drops the bags on the ground and quickly comes up to you. His arms shake before he envelops you in a tight hug. He hates seeing you like this, it hurts him. It makes him feel like he has failed you completely. He can protect you and train you to become strong, but not enough to fight against your own demons. 

You shudder in his arms, sobs coming from you that sound so pitiful. Vegeta keeps a strong hold on you, and he presses a soft kiss to the top of your head. For once, Vegeta really has nothing to say. He just holds you close, pressing sweet kisses to your forehead. Finally, you look up at him, your eyes wide and so full of tears. Vegeta sighs, and he wipes away the stray tears still on your cheeks, Then he pulls you in for such a sweet and tender kiss.

“I didn’t want you to see me like this.”

This is what finally breaks his heart completely. You’re so pitiful and small, but in his eyes, you are so strong. You’ve fought this battle many times, he knows now. He can see it in your eyes. It pains him to recognize that look in your eyes. He would do anything, fight any enemy to take all of this pain away from you. 

“Don’t say that. I am here to help you.”

You let him guide you to the couch, and he picks up the bags he dropped on the ground. He pulls out the food he got for you, a little squished but still warm. Then he pulls out the other gifts he got you as you eat. You look like you haven’t eaten a proper meal in days.

Vegeta managed to buy you a few gifts that really touch you. One of them is a little stuffed cat, it resembles your cat. He bought you some of your favorite perfume and your favorite soap as well. The last gift is a nice warm hoodie. He picked it out specifically for you because he knows you like to wrap up in warm hoodies and relax. 

“You didn’t have to do all of this for me,”

But Vegeta quiets you with another kiss. He’s not going to let you argue with him today. He picks you up in his arms and he leads you to the bedroom.

It becomes apparent to you what he wants when his body pins you to the mattress. Already you’re finding yourself oh so wet. You don’t want to let on just how badly you’ve always wanted this, but Vegeta already knows. What surprises you is how delicate and tender he’s being with you. As if you were made of glass and you were going to break on contact.

“Let me show you just how much you mean to me.”

You’re melting at his sweet words. There’s no way this could truly be Vegeta, but here he was, peeling off the clothes you were wearing. Suddenly, you’re a little embarrassed. Though you showered today, you haven’t shaved in a while. Vegeta doesn’t really seem to care.

He presses sloppy but loving kisses down your body. When he reaches your mound, he’s teasing you now. His tongue traces down towards your clit, and the Saiyan prince grunts when he smells your musk. You’re unlike anything he’s ever smelled in his life. His cock springs to life in his tight spandex suit.

His large and calloused hands pull your thighs apart and he settles them on his muscular shoulders. The whine that he pulls from you makes his cock twitch. His lips latch onto your clit, sucking on it ever so softly. Vegeta wants to make sure every bit of pleasure is pulled from you.

Oh but when you cum, and you cum hard, Vegeta feels his cock ache with need. You look so beautiful, your face contorted in pleasure and you’re panting his name. Your hands desperately try to cling to him, your nails digging into the muscles of his arms. Finally, you come back down to earth and he comes up to cuddle you.

“Rest now, beautiful. You don’t need to feel sad any longer.”

His words aren’t the best, but you wouldn’t trade them for anything else. They are so sweet, so Vegeta. You know he cares.

And you can rest easy knowing he cares.

[sparxwrites]

I have to say, I'm deeply curious about your thoughts in regards to a wilbur redemption arc now, after reading your quackity and dream meta. if you already shared them could you point me in the right direction to those posts?

(feel free to ignore this, just curious :D)

So... this is a bit of a weird one, because a) Wilbur has, in a weird sort of way, ""already gotten"" his redemption arc (or at least, he’s gotten part of it, or is in the middle of it, or...), and b) I have been informed I have a  ""controversial"" take on Wilbur. So! Buckle in, I guess.

The hotness of my takes aside, I use the air quotes there because it was an odd kind of redemption arc. He didn't start off the villain (though I wouldn't necessarily say he started off as a good guy, more a benevolent trickster type; though even that’s hard to pin down because who knows how much of the very early DSMP was “in character”). But he does gradually become worse and worse as a person up until his death - first after the war for independence as power corrupts him to the point he was going to rig an election, then during the election where he’s often kind of mean to Tommy, and then during Pogtopia, which... I don’t think I need to elaborate on Pogtopia, but it fucked him up.

A lot of people read his behaviour in Pogtopia is a downward mental health spiral, and I think they’re correct, but I think a lot of people also fail to notice that that spiral started before Pogtopia. Wilbur was more a wartime leader than a peacetime one, but even then, he wasn’t necessarily like. Stable. Or great at judgement calls. He had a big heart, he was an inspiring leader, he was charismatic - but he made questionable calls, wasn’t always nice to the people he was leading, and often struggled to really think through the consequences of his own or others’ actions.

I’d argue that the mental health issues were there from the moment he set foot on the server, and the war for independence masked them. (Wilbur’s got a thing about feeling alive, right? Especially since his resurrection, but... what better way to feel alive than fighting in a war? What better way to distract from the depression, the mood swings, the fears about your legacy and whether you’re a good person and whether anyone actually likes you, than to be fighting against an objective tyrant with a handful of friends at your side?)

Psychoanalysis aside- After that, he dies, and then he comes back, and then he runs around apologising to the people he hurt. Yay! Redemption arc completed, right? He’s been good, then bad, and is now good again?

Not quite. The issue with calling this a redemption arc per se is that, despite having apologised, Wilbur hasn't changed. He hasn’t learned from his mistakes.

He acknowledges he did some fucked up stuff before he died - which is great, that's step one of a redemption. But step two is learning from it, and committing to doing better. And even before Hitting on Sixteen came out, he hadn't... really learned. He was still picking fights with Quackity, deciding to claim other people's property as his own ("we're going to make a server inside the server and make Dream pay for it" / "is this your land Quackity? :) how about here? :) oh well it's ours now"), bullying and demeaning Tommy and Tubbo (and now Ranboo) on occasion, putting TNT under the homes of people he ostensibly cares about...

He’s doing exactly the same shit he did before he died, just with a slightly different flavour. He declares he’s changed, but the moment Quackity says “no” to him or any of his insecurities get triggered, he’s right back to old habits. He’s incapable of escaping the cycle of violence he’s locked himself into.

(Which, again- this is my core take on the DSMP. Intentionally or not, it’s a story about cycles of violence; about patterns of behaviour that hurt other people, but also yourself; about how difficult it can be to break those, especially when you’re isolated and everyone else around you is stuck in those cycles, too. And I hope, in the end, whatever that end looks like, it becomes a story about how you go about breaking those cycles.)

Don't get me wrong- I think he tries, after his resurrection. I absolutely don't think Wilbur is, at heart, a bad person. I think he dearly loves Tommy, and he has a good heart. But he's also arrogant and impulsive and good at lying to himself and kind of power-hungry. He was cruel to Tommy in Pogtopia, and honestly not always terribly kind to him before that. (And he’s mentally ill. I really do want to emphasise that. Especially after his resurrection, he’s got a lot of really, really unhealthy ways of thinking that are honestly hurting him as well as others. The black-and-white thinking, the putting people up on a pedestal and then damning them the second they fall off, the paranoia, the pushing boundaries as a test, the “will you still love/obey me if I-” shit tests... They’re behaviours that hurt others, yes, but they’re also often the kinds of things we see in people who are struggling with various really serious mental health issues, people who are hurting in and of themselves as well.)  He's a very flawed man trying very hard to be good, and sometimes he fails.

(There's a lot of interesting parallels with Dream there, actually - Wilbur's got a lot of the same traits as Dream, but because he's ended up on the side fighting against tyranny, they've gotten viewed very differently. And also because, unlike Dream, Wilbur tries. He tries really hard to keep a lot of his worst impulses and traits on a leash. Yes, he fucks up; but he apologises, or tries to make up for it, even if he’s struggling to learn how to not fuck up again. There’s a heart to him, a desperate desire to not hurt even in the absence of being able to fully manage that, which Dream completely lacks at this point.)

But. My absolute tenderness regarding him and his fucked up little head aside, the point is that Wilbur can be kind of a dick, and we've seen zero textual evidence that he's learned anything from his death and resurrection. He's apologised, but he hasn't made substantial behavioural change. He's continued to be kind of dismissive of Tommy. He's continued to make power grabs. He's continued to aggravate people, to pull "clever" schemes without thinking them through, to accidentally hurt people he cares about.

I think Wilbur's story, barring substantial character development before this end-point cc!Wilbur's mentioned coming soon, is one of tragedy. It's the tragedy of a very clever, very driven man who is either unable to recognise his flaws until he's looking at their aftermath, or unable to rein them in, or both. It's the tragedy of a man who made all the wrong choices for all the right reasons. It is, in some ways, the tragedy of a very specific kind of mental illness experience - being sunk so deep into a war with your own brain that you barely have the capacity to realise how (or actually, more importantly, why) your actions are affecting others, to realise how irrational and ill-advised those actions are, let alone to try and fix them.

I do want to stress, by the way, that none of this is Wilbur neg. I think he's a fascinating character, and I love him, and I love how complicated and flawed he is. This isn't written from a place of criticism, but from a place of appreciation. cc!Wilbur has done a fantastic job with him, and I think flattening him down into a “Wilbur Good, Dream Bad” dichotomy does a disservice to how complex and interesting both these characters are.

I love the tension in Wilbur’s actions between "haha this land's mine now what're you gonna do about it" and "this is my home and my country and my family and I'm doing to defend it with my life". Between "Tommy is my brother and I love him and want to protect him" and "sure you can go duel Dream to the death, that's definitely a decision you're competent to make" and "you're never going to be president Tommy". Between "I've died and I've changed and I'm sorry" and Hitting on Sixteen.

Having said all that. If I had to write the closing of a redemption arc for Wilbur (with the assumption that the whole server doesn't end in tragedy, anyways; and with the assumption that an intensive course of DBT doesn’t suddenly become a thing that exists in the DSMP) I think it'd go something like this:

In the aftermath of Hitting on Sixteen, Wilbur is back in the 'self-loathing depressive spiral' part of his mood cycling, complete with talking about how he's a bad person and a villain and maybe the server would be better off without him. And someone - and I hate to put this on Tommy, because the kid has enough on his plate already, but I really do think Tommy would be the best person to do this - basically needs to tell him to get his head out his arse.

Because Wilbur needs to realise he's been chasing the wrong things, preoccupied with the wrong questions. He's been chasing greatness, preoccupied with whether he's good or bad, whether he’s the hero or a villain - when other people have just wanted a friend. A father. A brother. A partner. A son.

He needs to have a revalation, a real revalation, that the presidency and power and control is not going to get him what he wants (friends, a community, a home) and that chasing that is not making him happy. And, more importantly, it’s never going to make him feel safe - because, I think, that’s a huge part of what he’s chasing. He wants somewhere he feels like he’s always going to be the good guy, always going to be loved and admired, always going to have friends who are kind and loyal.

(Because - and, again, we’re back to the this man is and has always been severely mentally ill - he’s currently incapable of getting that from himself. Yes, everyone needs external safety, but a huge part of being a mentally healthy person is being able to provide your own sense of safety and stability, being able to find that modicum of inner peace. And, judging by the way Wilbur acts -  the lashing out and then apologising, the paranoia, the mood swings - he doesn’t have that, hasn’t had that at any point on the server.)

He needs to realise that, rather than self-mythologising (rather than worrying about his story and his legacy and the role he’s playing and how in control he is), he needs to learn to just be.

(Wow, the Dream parallels really are right there, huh?)

And then he needs to learn how to humble himself. He needs to give up on being in charge, on running things, on proclaiming dominion. He needs to work for someone, and ideally on something more mundane than running a damn country - help Tommy with his hotel, help Niki run a bakery, help Ranboo or Tubbo run a food stall if they’ll have him after Sixteen. Hell, start a farm with someone, whatever. Just something with low stakes, where he's not the one calling the shots, where he can see what he’s making with his own two hands, where he’s forced to not be quite so in his head the whole time.

Give him some time and space to stop worrying quite so much about whether he's the good guy or the bad guy, and to just be. To just be himself, and to try and be something in relation to other people, rather than for people.

You can be a president for people. It's a position that holds you apart from them, separate to them; better than them, even. But you can't be a father for someone, or a friend for someone. You have to be a father to someone, a friend in relation to them - as part of a system, a dynamic. There's a compromise, a give and take, an interaction there.

I think if he got that, if he had that shock, that revalation, and then that space to work through some shit, he could finish up his (extremely unconventional) "redemption" arc. My read on Wilbur is that he needs to learn to let go of some things, and to stabilise himself. To find some inner stability specifically. Needs to commit to not holding power, and to prioritising relationships with people on an equal footing, rather than in some ways holding himself apart from them.

(I wonder, incidentally, if this is what Phil and Techno are trying to get at, in some ways, with their "people over things" philosophy. They completely missed the mark with L'Manburg, obviously; it was more about family than about the buildings. Phil continues to not have a clue. But there's something there, I think, with the way Wilbur increasingly lost sight of how it started - as a group of friends - the more it became a symbol in and of its own right, the more he became a figurehead rather than a friend. By the end, he couldn't see the individuals for the collective. It’s still a dumb and poorly-done philosophy and Philza killing him was still the biggest load of shit, though. I’m not going soft on that pair of morons, don’t worry.)

Anyway. If he did all that, I think then there'd be space for him to apologise to people for the ways in which he hurt them - unintentionally, for the most part, but still. And then, with a level of self-awareness, and more importantly a level of connection with the person he's apologising to as equals- then, I think it might mean something more than the previous "good people apologise so I shall apologise also" sorries.

Then, he might also find the space to apologise to himself. Then, sorry might actually be the start of something new.

[dreamypjm]

ABOVE | Park Jimin

-> Chapter Index <-

Chapter 1 - "A new Morning"

word count: 816

I turn around in bed, slowly opening my eyes and staring at the blank white wall.

"I should put something on there.."

Another day of waking up with a really bad headache, just like everyday the past 5 months.

Will this ever get better or even stop?

The truth is, I don't know and none of the plenty of doctors I've already seen could tell.

"It's probably caused by mental issues since we can't find any physical causes." - that's what they all said.

I went through a lot of medical checks but I gave up on getting any answers on my health and just accepted that I have to live with it until it gets better.

Some weeks ago I also stopped taking any medicine. It's been a few months, I can't just go on taking pain killers each day, that's what I thought.

And to be honest, I'm used to waking up in pain, most days it's just my head but sometimes it's my whole body that hurts.

I can deal with it, it's okay.

I'm staring at the wall a few more minutes until I get myself together to sit up on my bed.

"Weird.."

Something feels different this morning.

I'm not sure what it is but it makes me feel kind of calm.

"I feel... great..?"

I still have a headache. But I feel good even with the pain.

I grab my phone to check the time.

"06:13 AM.. I should get ready"

Not a single notification. I'm used to it. My family stopped texting me everyday. They did that in the first few weeks after I moved here all by myself. But it's been almost a year now.

I have a few friends but not those

"good morning bestie, how are you?"

kind of friends.

I got up, took a quick shower, got myself ready and put on some basic black clothes.

I'll be wearing an apron over my clothes at work anyway, why would I dress up fancy then?

But..

"How about this.. today?"

I took a white shirt with some cute flower prints out of my closet and put it on.

Yeah, this feels great!

Off to work!

As soon as I arrive at the small coffee shop that I work at, the first thing I do is get myself a coffee.

Our first customers never show up before 8 AM, that's why me and my co-workers start a day quite relaxed.

It's a bit after 7 AM, still got some time.

I sit down next to my co-worker. The coffee in one hand and my phone in the other.

She's looking at her phone and laughs, seems like she's texting someone.

I unlock my phone. No notifications.

"Alright."

I put my phone down on the table and look outside one of the windows. It's sunny today, not a single cloud. That could be one of the reasons I feel different today.

It hasn't been that sunny for a while, I really missed it.

....

*10:13 AM*

"There you go! Same as always!"

We don't have a lot of customers here but we have loyal customers. We know them all by their names or nicknames and they most likely order the same thing everyday.

One of my favorite customers must be here in a few minutes, it's an old man who always got something to gossip about with me. But today I wanna tell him that I feel great! He knows about my pain but he stopped asking about it. I guess he doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable cause I always used to tell him that nothing has changed.

While I'm waiting for him I start preparing his coffee. My back is turned to the door when I heard someone step in.

I put some sugar into the coffee and turn around in a rush with a bright smile on my face and my eyes closed.

"Good morning, here's your coffee!

And guess what!"

I put the cup on the counter and look up.

"I feel gr- "

Wait -

.. who's that?

I look straight into a young man's face.

Brown eyes, clear skin and..

plump, soft looking full lips.

Black hair. A mullet haircut.

He's wearing a brown coat with a white turtle-neck sweater and black pants.

I'm not sure for how long I've been staring at him but he seems to be confused.

"Oh, so-sorry! I expected someone else to pick up his coffee right now" - I say.

He keeps looking at me but his confused facial expression turns into a friendly one.

He's not smiling but he looks calm.

Me: "What can I get you?"

He looks up on the menu.

It's not unsual that once in a while a new face shows up here.

But for some reason this caught me off guard right now.

He caught me off guard.

...

__________

Author's note:

I hope you liked the first chapter of this story! If you did, feel free to leave a like & maybe reblog it <3

Love, Ami Xx

[bottom-lexa]

Do ya'll want a transition update? i haven't made one in a while and things have changed a lot since the last one.

so yeah, as of now, i'm 7+ months on T which is !!!! insane, its so crazy. i have a blood test coming up soon and then a follow-up appointment with the gender clinic to check on my progress and stuff. and i'm gonna switch from gel to shots because i'm sick and tired of putting the gel on every time and i'd rather suck it up with the needles and go on shots.

before i started T, and even a few months into it, i was very much on documenting every change and making update posts and vids and all that. but like. the longer i've been on it, the less i wanna do it. because. because. i don't feel like its something different and exciting anymore. which is actually incredible. it feels very normal and very mundane and like its just me its just a part of me its nothing special and different. me being trans is just a normal thing. and honestly, i never thought i'd reach that point. at least, not this early.

mentally, i feel so much happier. my depression although gets bad from time to time, its in a very different way than before. like before it was intense and heartaching and it made me cry uncontrollably. now its?? a dull ache, an emptiness. and all i wanna do is stay in bed and do nothing. since starting T, i haven't cried even once coz of Feelings. I've cried over fictional stuff but yeah. [side note, it hadn't been harder for me to cry like a lot of guys say]. but bottom line, I'm happier, I'm calmer, more confident, more content. and that's both T in general and also being more myself that it's easing my depression.

here's the kicker though. and its something i realized a couple of weeks ago. i'm happy with my body. fat redistribution is Very Slow duh but i can already see my hips getting less curvy. but uhhhh i'm not impatient for top surgery anymore. i can wait. yes, i still want to yeet the teets and i still hate my tiddies. BUT i don't hate it as much ya know? like i can tolerate it now? probably coz the rest of my body feels more like my own now. and i'm just happy with how things are. i don't mind it as much. my friends see me as a guy, i see me as a guy, my body feels so much more like my own. and like i will happily wait a few more years till top surgery its not my top priority atm. T is my top priority, i love how its changing my body and helping my mental health and just. i just love what its doing for me. i 10000% want top surgery still but i know how long the wait times are or how expensive it is otherwise so i can just wait till i can get it. it doesn't hurt me as much as it used to. now its all chill, i stand in front of the mirror and its like oh look its me.

physical changes under the cut coz Long

lets go top to bottom.

head. so it hasn't been that long. but i think. i think. my hairline, or at least the right corner of it is starting to recede lmao.

face. hair!!! facial hair!!!! i shave it off but theres a lot and i gotta shave every 2-3 days. mostly its the mustache. next is the chin hairs. followed by the jaw. everything else is much more subtle but still needs to be shaved. the texture is also different, it changed a decent amount. its not as soft as it used to be, rougher, but that's about it. idk why or how but my face already looks more masculine. not much, but slightly, i can't explain it i can't point out the specifics but it just does.

shoulders/arms/hands. this is both T and working out. i guess i can put my back in this category too coz its getting more defined and broader. my shoulder + traps be looking Big, rounded shoulders and swole traps. but these two muscle groups have been the easiest for me to build anyways. arms have less fat on them and are finally starting to get more defined. like although my arms have grown even before, my biceps were/are very stubborn but its starting to make progress. and hands!!! my hands are Hotter and Sexier than they've ever been, that is all. they look strong and the veins show more now and oof it looks great.

tummy. the tum tum has a lot to do with working out too but fat redistribution yes. my abs are getting more definition and although my tummy has the most stubborn fat, its getting easier to get the abs to show. i have a good balance of soft fat and bulky muscle going on there and hmmm its kinda sexy. and oh my god hair. tummy hair. i don't just have a happy trail, i have a hairy tummy. which i will shave and clean up soon enough but i will keep the happy trail. i just wanted to see how much hair i'd get on the tummy coz of T.

hips. they be getting smaller. marginally but still ye its better than nothing.

dick. tmi but my dick. my fucking dick. oh my god. my clit was just about visible pre T. i had a very small clit. but within weeks of starting T, it grew. and at one point it was painfully sensitive but now its calmed down. but its big. my guys its so big now. its around an inch (maybe a tiny bit more) long now!!!!!! and gets bigger (and wider) when its hard lololololol. another tmi is the fact that i get infinity wetter now than i used to, there is so so so much more cum. and i actually enjoy penetration now, it feels good now whereas before it felt wrong and awful and made me extremely dysphoric. but now?? hecking love it.

legs. hair!!! my lower leg was always hairy, and it still is the same but just grows a lot faster. i didn't used to get much above my knees. oh god do i do now. my legs are so hairy and i love it. i shave it tho, i shave below the knees coz smooth but i like the hair on the top.

[angelikook]

Jungkook as a College Student

The coolest broke student you've ever met.

Coolest, because it seems like he can do anything.

From academics to non-academics, he can do it all.

It even comes at a surprise because how can a person be so perfect.

And how can he manage his time?

He’s a full-time student and takes as many credits as possible just because he likes the challenge.

He’s part of the campus’ e-sports team, meaning he has practice almost every weekend and tournaments almost every month.

He’s an activist at his school, famous for talking about important topics regarding mental health issues.

Because mental health is as important as physical health, everyone.

He’s active every time there’s a blood donation event on the campus and always makes time to donate a bit of his blood.

Since he likes music so much, he joins the campus’ band.

Not as a full-time player, thankfully, because he doesn’t have enough time, but he still has plenty of rehearsals in between classes.

And let’s not forget that he’s interested in joining the campus’ taekwondo club. Talk about being athletic.

He’s also broke, though.

He tries to find rides from his friends who happen to go to the same place as he is.

He only buys things, even things he needs to support his studies, every time there’s a discount, claiming that “they’re scamming you if you buy things not on a discount”.

He borrows essential textbooks from the campus’ library. But then he gets suspended from borrowing again because he forgets to return them.

Then he opts to borrow from the city’s library. The books aren’t in good shape, but he doesn’t know where else to buy them.

Until when a friend tells him to borrow from a senior. “They don't need the books anyways! They’re almost graduated.”

That’s when he starts to use his links to borrow books.

Oh, and, he doesn’t pay for Spotify premium.

Apparently a ‘fan’ paid for him on his last birthday and still pays for him until now.

He’s extremely grateful and wants to express his gratitude to the person directly, but he has no idea on how to find said ‘fan’.

Nearing the end of every month, when his money is thinning out and he hasn't received money from his parents, he even joins random seminars so he can get free food.

Or join any random events that offer food, basically.

But beneath all this coolness, he's still that shy kid from middle school.

Whenever he gets an invitation to join a club or to take part in an activity, he gets confused.

Sure he wants to try new things, like taekwondo, basketball, acting, etc, but he's scared to meet new people.

Afraid that they'll judge him for being bad at something since he's famous for being multitalented.

But on the other hand, he's a student and he has to learn, right?

Maybe he simply doesn't want people to see the part of him that's struggling.

Struggling to approach new people, to try new things, and even to be a leader for a club.

I mean, his phone has been ringing non-stop for the past few days because the music club wants him to be the leader.

And he's the newest member of the club!

He also still remembers when he tried to join the e-sports team.

He was rejected and made fun of.

Sure he wasn't, like, the best, best player.

But he still could learn, right?

Plus, he never joined an e-sports team before.

Luckily, on his second try to join the team, a year later, those people who made fun of him already left the club.

And most importantly, he was finally accepted.

Despite going through all of that, he has no hard feelings.

Him not being accepted the first time is a good thing.

That way he doesn't have to be with those scums.

Not just dealing with bullies, he still has to deal with fake people.

This is worse, because they can go months undetected.

There's even a possibility that the only best friend he has on this campus is talking bad behind him!

He's trying not to think about that, though.

Surely he should've seen it long ago if it were the case.

He can't know for sure whether the people around him are fake or not.

But he had some fake people in the past.

He knows he doesn't have money, unlike those other popular kids, but he has fame.

And this fame, while can help him get past his shyness, since people come to him first, it can also backfire on him.

Like the time one kid in his class used him to get girls.

That's the worst.

He doesn't even want to think about that anymore.

It's not that he wants all the girls to himself, but come on!

He wants to have some girl friends that aren't being seduced by his fake friends.

Like a normal friendship, yes.

What about dating, you ask?

He doesn’t want to date.

Not yet, at least.

Yes, some people have asked him out, but he simply turned them down, simply saying "I'm sorry, I'm busy." and breaking their poor hearts.

There are still too many things he wants to try and a partner will only slow him down, you know?

Like that taekwondo club?

He's probably going to join it tomorrow once class ends.

And, shoot!

He forgets to prepare for his presentation tomorrow.

Guess he'll have to stay up all night again.

Masterlist | Join/Leave Taglist

[mwolf0epsilon]

🌷🌻🌱🌲🌾☀️🌟🌈🍃 for all of your boys in armour. I find every original clone trooper to be really fascinating, don't you?

Oh boy Anon, this is a tall order you're giving me... But alright, here we go. Hope my boys are interesting enough for ya!

🌷- How does this oc take their coffee?

Bully takes his caf black. He doesn't like sweet things in general, because they cause him to feel nauseous.

Jawbreaker on the other hand, needs to have at least five sugars in his caf, otherwise he can't stomach the bitterness.

Pox cannot stomach caf at all because of his medical condition, so he sticks to tea. His preference is camomile with two sugars.

Lichtenberg doesn't like caf. He's more of a carbonated drinks kind of fella, and will easily become your best friend if you provide him with that sweet sweet carbonation in a can.

Pretty Boy can only drink caf if he has cream, sugar and other flavouring. If he can't turn it into an elaborate latte, what's the point?

Olly chugs espresso like a college student on finals week. It's a problem. Please someone stage an intervention.

🌻- What's this oc's mental health state?

Bully and Jawbreaker weren't doing great. They were severely traumatised due to briefly working under Krell, and needed a lot of support.

Pox is lowkey depressed because of his situation and is only still doing ok because he's a stubborn guy. Having company that isn't repulsed by his condition also helps keep his mental state stable enough that he's capable of being a functional adult.

Umbara and being a POW really messed up Lich's mental state, but his focus on protecting his brothers provides enough of a distraction that he's capable of maintaining a somewhat level head. He does have very bad days, however, and is on mandatory watch.

Pretty Boy is thriving. He's been the luckiest out of his three surviving batchmates, so he's suffered the least emotional damage. He does have bouts of survivor's guilt however, and that often gets him in pretty difficult moods.

Olly was a Coruscant Guard Riot Trooper. Obviously, his mental state is beyond appalling, and the only reason he hasn't cracked yet is because his batchmates and fellow Guardsmen actually give a crap about his existence, and keep him grounded.

🌱- Does this oc have any pets? Do they have any pets they want?

Bully never saw the point of keeping a pet.

Jawbreaker would have liked to have had a pet Tooka, mostly because he thought they were very cute.

Pox had a Ysalamiri that he rescued from a trap. It was wounded and severely malnourished, so it didn't live long, but he cherished the poor critter for as long as he was able to make it's last days comfortable. He misses it sometimes.

Lich has a fascination for snakes, and wouldn't have minded getting one as a pet. He just never really found the time to make that a reality.

Pretty Boy would have only gotten a pet if it was something exotic and flashy. But since he prefers to be the centre of attentions, it's very likely he would have foregone the idea completely and just gotten himself something to wear.

Olly has a fondness for massifs. Anoobas are also close second, and he definitely would have picked out anything loyal and trainable.

🌲- What is this oc's greatest strength and weakness?

As Arc Troopers, Bully and Jawbreaker's strength is definitely their adaptability and independent thinking. Bully is also incredibly loyal, and Jawbreaker is very nurturing. Both of them have trust issues, however, and are incredibly fearful of the Jedi.

Pox's strength is his stubbornness and desire to help others. As a field medic, it's his job to care for his friends and allies and he's damn good at it. Unfortunately his self-disgust and self-doubt often make him second-guess himself, which leads to him making bad calls on occasion.

Lich is a 501st trooper. His style is a bit unorthodox at times but it gets him out of complicated situations. He would have made for a pretty good arc trooper if he'd ever gotten the chance. His weakness is a very obvious one, as seen by the permanent scarring all over his body. He acts before thinking at times, and that gets him into twice as much trouble as he can get himself out of.

Pretty boy's strength is his confidence. He does things like he knows they'll always 100% succeed, and that often works out in his favour. Unfortunately, his greatest weakness is also his over-confidence...

Olly's endurance and stoic behaviour makes him incredibly resilient to most things. His disregard for his own safety, however, is borderline suicidal at times... Olly just doesn't care about what happens to himself, and that has landed him in medical far too many times for his brothers to be comfortable.

🌾- How does this oc get along with people they just met?

Bully doesn't trust easy and is often incredibly aggressive with people he's just met.

Jawbreaker is friendlier, but also doesn't trust easily. He especially has trouble maintaining eye contact.

Pox would prefer to keep people at arm's length. Not because he doesn't like making new friends, but because he's carrying a very virulent strain of pox that has gotten a lot of people killed. He'd rather be lonely than hurt others by accident.

Lich has that sort of friendly attitude that you can't resist. He's the sort of guy to offer you a drink at 79's and chat the night away if given the chance. He's definitely the extrovert of his batch.

Pretty Boy, like Lich, is very outwardly friendly. His self-centred and obnoxious over-confident attitude tends to piss people off though... He doesn't really know how to not make everything about him.

Olly would rather hole up in his bunk and watch some Holofilms than go out to meet new people. He's pretty introverted and happy being by himself for long periods of time.

☀️- Does this oc make good or bad first impressions?

Bully's first interactions with new people are often a shouting match or a straight up punch, so he's always making bad first impressions.

Jawbreaker varies, because oftentimes Bully is right there with him and souring the first impression...

Pox's unkempt appearance, reluctance to make connections, and his often overpowering body odour don't make for a very good impression... A shame considering he's a sweetheart.

Lich always makes a good first impression.

Pretty Boy always ruins his first impression.

Olly's status as a riot trooper slates him for perpetual bad impressions.

🌟- Is this oc good at expressing themself through words or do they have to use other means?

Bully isn't much of a talker. Prefers to act to express himself.

Jawbreaker is the opposite. He hesitates to express himself through actions, and has an easier time talking.

Pox's condition has rendered him mute, so in his case it's a mix of both due to his reliance on Sign Language.

Lich expresses himself entirely through a combination of words and body language. He's the sort of guy who just can't sit still in a conversation. Uses his hands a lot, taps his feet and whatnot.

Pretty Boy, like Lich, cannot sit still while talking. His words are a little more flowery, however, and he's an absolute flirt. He lives up to his name in most social interactions.

Olly has a hard time expressing himself overall. Between the extended awkward periods of silence and his stiff body language, one could assume he's practicing to be a gargoyle decorating a cathedral...

🌈- What does this oc like and dislike about themselves?

Bully likes the look of the black eye he's maintained from constantly picking fights. He thinks it makes him look more intimidating to others. On the other side of the coin, he dislikes that he shares a face with millions of others, and is lowkey jealous that Jawbreaker's face is so distinct.

Jawbreaker likes how soft his hair feels after he gets it cut. He absolutely hates his disfigured face, and hides it under a face-cloth whenever he's out in public without his bucket on.

Pox really likes his afro and beard combo, but the sight of his multiple scars from scratching the blisters and pustules he got from when he was infected with the mystery strain of pox he carries, makes him a little sick to his stomach.

Lich has a love-hate sorta deal with the Lichtenberg figures that cover him from head to toe. They're his namesake, so it's kind of a prideful thing, but also shameful since the incident that caused the scarring was idiotic on his part.

Pretty Boy likes his good looks, and often brags that he's the hottest clone that's ever been decanted. He dislikes that everyone believes that he's only a pretty face and nothing else.

Olly can't help but enjoy having a ridiculously long name. It fills him with a sort of sweet satisfaction that most people have to shorten it to their convenience, while his Guardsmen brothers and batchmates call him by his full name without hesitation. He dislikes the scarring on his face, since he got them in a moment of vulnerability.

🍃- Describe this oc in one word

Bully is resentful.

Jawbreaker is shy.

Pox is nurturing.

Lich is a dreamer.

Pretty Boy is cocky.

Olly is a protector.

[kittae]

Hi again! I have a few more things I wanted to ask about Nocturne because I forgot to last time lol. Do you have in mind how many years Yoongi has stayed in the forest? How do you think he would be like during modern day? Maybe I could see him browsing social media and dating apps (if the forest he inhabits has WiFi at least). And since he sings to lure people to him, do you imagine him singing any songs in particular while writing the fic? For me, I thought of him singing “set me free” from his d2 album irl, given how it aligns with his character. As for y/n, was it your intention for her background to correlate to the Salem witch trails? It would be a nice touch if it was😊 Not that any other ideas outside of that is bad lol. That’s what I guessed at least lol.

(Continuing from my last ask because of my forgetful ass lol) Also, does Yoongi (and maybe y/n still) wear clothes? If they do, I’d guess they’d use stuff like leaves and/or vines. Another thing, do you have a concept how the water makes people all lovey dovey and stay with Yoongi? Did he make it himself? Or did like the gods or other nymphs give it to him? Sorry if I’m asking too many questions btw. I get carried away sometimes😅

Hi sweet love!! I'm so sorry for the late reply, my mental health hasn't been the best because this semester is seriously fucking with it but i have a decent amount of energy today so i'm going to answer your questions!

1. Yoongi has been living in the forest for, well, probably millennia, give or take a few centuries depending on which particular era you would place Y/N. Seeing as i described her as being on the run for the town's witch hunt, I'd say around 1300-1400. Yoongi has been on earth for at least a millennium B.C. and has been confined to the forest soon after he was created.

2. In modern times, I'd see this Yoongi well-adjusted in a self-sufficient mansion in the forest, like the ones you see on Pinterest! For fun's sake let's say he does have Wifi, deep in the middle of a random forest lol, it's fiction so it's possible. He would indeed browse through dating apps but that doesn't necessarily mean harvesting humans would become so much easier, since generally they've been warned not to meet up with strangers in remote places. Still, he doesn't have to wait for centuries until someone wanders in lost and alone to strike anymore. However few, there are still people who are reckless/curious enough to come to him of their own accord. I mean, look at him, even I would at least consider it! Oh, and he has a hot tub now! Literally it would be paradise on earth, you're just not allowed to leave but honestly sign me up lmao

3. I did not necessarily have any songs in mind, I think i just went on like the basic siren vibes like the one from Harry Potter when Harry had the golden egg he had to open under water. That kind of vibe. Or like the elven songs from LOTR. But it can be whatever you imagine it to be!

4. As for Y/N, I love that your mind went to the Salem witch trials! It can be that, too, if you want! Maybe for me it was a few centuries earlier but it doesn't really matter all that much, it can be during that time as well! I haven't specified the exact period so that you could fill it in as you please.

5. Yoongi never wears clothes in the forest, not even in winter. He created a micro-environment with the most ideal circumstances and comfortable temperature and climate. Clothes would be a bother and have no use for someone who's alone for sometimes centuries on end and animals don't care about nudity lol. When Y/N joins him, she won't be wearing her clothes ever again either, more like a 'adam&eve' kinda vibe, not even vines or leaves because why bother haha

6. The love inducing nectarwater is made by Yoongi simply by existing in it, it's a nymph thing I thought would be cool. It's how in some lore you hear about fae or nymphs giving the humans something to eat that makes them forget about time and makes them want to stay, from there on I applied it to the water. He has abilities, like the luring singing, hypnotising and enchanting the water that aid him in trapping his victims.

Thank you for all your lovely questions!! It's so great to know someone got so invested in something i wrote, it's an amazing feeling! Really rewarding, especially because Nocturne is my personal favourite story I've ever written! Please never hesitate to ask more questions if you have any, my replies may be delayed sometimes but that doesn't mean i don't appreciate them!! 💕 @jhopeismyonlyhope

[kuronanox]

Insecure Love - Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez (AU-NSFW)

She was his prisoner and the toxicity surrounding their relationship put a strain on her mental health. No matter how much she wanted to leave him Grimmjow wouldn't allow it.

He got angry and would scream and break objects in the house scaring her to death and she knew he could have easily hurt her if he wanted to.

Sobbing as she hugged herself on her knees she threw her phone across the wall and screamed out of frustration. "I hate you!"

She knew she should have listen to her friends and family years ago when they told her Grimmjow was bad news, but her young and immature mind felt different.

It's been difficult as she had to pay off student loans and provide for the both of them and half the time she didn't know where he was anymore.

They both were intoxicated about each other no matter how bad things got in their relationship no one ever left, but they left scars towards each other.

Grimmjow happened to come home when he heard her yell in the bedroom, he wanted to fix their strained relationship by bringing good news to her for once. He was hired as a personal body guard to one of Japan most wealthiest celebrities.

"I hate him so much." She says picking up her phone and slamming the bathroom door to freshen up for the night.

He was conflicted if he was going to throw a tantrum and get angry or leave it be for the night, but he wanted to fix things so he chose to ignore her statement and pretend he didn't hear nothing.

(Your Name) was paying all the bills for the last few months after Grimmjow got fired from his last job for beating the shit out of someone, the dude had to be hospitalized.

"Hey." He says roughly as she opened the bathroom door surprised to see him home early.

"You're home early?"

"Tch. I live here too."

"Yeah well whose paying the bills right now? At least let me know where you go half the time." She bit back at him and plopped onto the bed leaning on her elbow.

"Don't start this shit right now." He says pulling his shirt off to get ready for a shower.

"Whatever."

That night after hearing the good news of Grimmjow getting a job again they didn't sleep much. There was a lot of cries and moans rather then words of encouragement.

(Your Name) wanted to be a normal couple for once but she was already broken she didn't know how to express her emotions anymore.

As he fell asleep she laid awake besides him under protection of his arms. The negative thoughts crept in her mind.

He was going to be a body guard to rich celebrities and it lower her self esteem.

It wouldn't surprise her if she found him in bed with one of them; after all she's caught him with other women a few times.

She scoffed why were they like this? They acted like children but they were already in their late 20s acting like high school kids in a relationship.

"Can't sleep?" He asks her with his eyes still closed.

"I'm okay."

"Stop I know something is wrong. You didn't even tell me congrats about my new job... you just kissed me and we had sex."

(Your Name) shivered at his touch because he was rubbing her arms lightly as if he was trying to comfort her discomfort. She was a little weird out by his actions the whole night. He was rarely ever gentle.

"I wanna talk about us." She tells him as he sighs and sits up from the bed and picks her up so she was sitting between his legs.

"Go on."

"Well I've been thinking. I'm almost 30 and we've been together since college isn't it childish to keep hurting each other like this?"

"Are you indicating we should break up?!" Grimmjow slightly raises his voice loosing his cool temper for a second.

"That's not what I'm saying... I just have a professional job at the hospital and well you have that job...it's just that what is our future together?"

Grimmjow doesn't say anything but stares at her, he hasn't thought much about the future but he knew she was going to be in his.

"Don't know." He answers bluntly as he could see in her eyes that she was a bit hurt by his answer. "You are my future."

She just shakes her head and moves away from him disappointed that was his answer to her after so many years together.

She was always called in random times at the hospital and Grimmjow was always traveling or not home because of work, but after the night she talked to him about their future together he reconsider everything he had done in the past.

He couldn't lose her as much as he already has. Grimmjow was slowly making things right for them. He started by coming home every night he didn't have to be away and letting her know where he was when he went out.

Grimmjow even made the effort to clean and cook the house when she came home late from the hospital.

"I just feel like the way he is acting now is temporary and we will go back to our old ways." (Your Name) tells Rangiku as they sat for afternoon brunch one day.

"Well, has he ever done any of these things before? Like cook and clean and even letting you know where he is?"

"No not really this is the first time."

Rangiku mixes her drink and takes a sip before speaking.

"Give it time, I think if he's willing to try new things to keep the relationship alive you should trust him a bit more."

"I guess so, it wouldn't be fair not to." (Your Name) agrees and sadly smile down to the table. "I guess I'm always the one doubting us."

"Good morning." Grimmjow says looking down at (Your Name) with a lopsided smile.

"Oh god he's morning voice is so hot."

(Your Name) sits up from bed and rubs her eyes, they were both naked in the covers. She didn't want to leave the warmth that they both radiantly pulled off so she fell back onto him and cuddled some more.

If she remember clearly Grimmjow took her out on a date as they went clubbing to dance for a bit and she got a little bit to lit. Which ended them both in bed for a good time.

"Did you have fun last night?" He asks her as she nodded slowly only remembering a few clips in the back of her head.

She remembered how Grimmjow unforgivingly pounded into her as his thrust were fast and steady. The way his rough hands held her down and explored every part of her body.

Grimmjow pulling her ass in the air and giving both of them a loud smack before abusing her aching pussy drenched from over stimulation. As she cried out telling him not to stop. The way his tongue fucked her as he sucked and gave long stroke on her clit.

She remembered how they hungrily kissed each other as their tongue explored every inch and how he seductively sucked her bottom lip leaving them plumped and bruised.

"I remember a lot actually." She tells him as his face lit up. Which tells her Grimmjow was definitely into last night heated session.

"Good, things have been great between us." He says as she traced his abs and slowly going to his lower abdomen making him shiver a bit.

"Just thinking about last night turned me on again." She admits feeling the dampened underwear she wore.

"Oh? I'm always down for another round."

Sitting between his legs she pulled his under garments away and threw it across the room impatiently. Grabbing his erected member softly she pumped it a few times and kissed the tip of it. He shuttered and groaned because she was going so slow but all he wanted to do was to fuck her pretty little mouth.

"Jeez baby if you keep teasing me I won't forgive you."

"Shh." She tells him and slowly puts her mouth around his member. Bobbing her head she looked up to him with lustful eyes. His mouth parted a bit as she moaned, the vibration added to the pleasure he was getting.

Grabbing her head he thrusted into her mouth gently as he hit the back of her throat.

Holding his thigh for support she pulled away and gave him long teasing licks around his erected member as she stroke and swallowed it whole again hollowing her cheeks as Grimmjow groaned in response.

Feeling herself getting impatient she slipped one hand to massage her aching core.

"Someone is rather impatient today." He says and pulled her up to face him as they joined lips again giving her a passionate lusty kiss.

Moving to her collarbones and to her breast he swirled her nipples like they were lollipops with his mouth sucking on them as he grabbed her ass and gave it a loud smack.

Releasing his mouth he laid her down and crawled on top, before entering himself he kissed her gently and brought one of her legs up trailing it with kisses.

Grimmjow stroked himself a bit before entering slowly into her drench and aching core. She bit her lip and arched her back, they felt whole again.

(Your Name) couldn't describe the feeling but it was pure bliss and heaven as he thrusted into her faster as he brought his hand and rubbed her clit. She moaned in pleasure and brought Grimmjow closer to her as she wrapped her legs around him. His balls hitting her ass as he kissed her drove her on edge as she moaned into his mouth.

Flipping her on all fours he pounded into her holding her hands behind her back she relied on Grimmjow so she wouldn't fall face down.

Grimmjow was started to get sloppy knowing he was going to cum soon, looking at the mirror he could see her face crying in pleasure and the way her breast swinging back and fourth drove him on edge as he groaned lightly.

Letting her hands go as she fell onto the comfy mattress he grabbed her hip and pounded into her unmercifully he breathlessly said "I'm about to cum."

"It's okay you can cum in me." She says as he leaned down and bit her shoulder and shot his hot seeds into her.

A few months pasted by and their relationship couldn't be any better. They hadn't fought in a long time. They were both happy together even though they had opposite schedules from each other they both tried their hardest to make time for each other.

"I'm leaving to America for a week." Grimmjow says to her one night as they ate dinner together on the couch.

"Okay, whatever your work tells you to do. I'm fine with that."

"Good, just letting you know. I've been getting quite the attention recently." He smirks running his hand through his hair.

(Your Name) knew her boyfriend was extremely good looking and that many women wanted him but after getting a job as a personal body guard with the hottest celebrities in Japan it lowered her self esteem. Although she didn't let it get to her because of how happy they were together it still bothered her.

"I know. I didn't think you were going to get that much attention."

Grimmjow shrugs and pulls her onto his lap. "Why you jealous?"

"Fuck no. You're ugly anyways."

He laughs as his phone rang showing a unknown number to her. Raising her eyebrow she gives him a look. "Aren't you going to answer it?"

"Nah just some annoying fan I'm guessing."

Although she wanted to believe Grimmjow she knew it was to good to be true that they were this happy. She knew Grimmjow was still suspicious.

"Okay then."

After taking his leave to America she saw the celebrity he was going with. She was Japan hottest actress at the moment. (Your Name) didn't want to feel down, but she was getting extremely insecure.

The actress was tall and beautiful, with slick black hair and the most expensive outfits that made her look even more high and mighty.

Before Grimmjow left the actress gave (Your Name) a look up and down and smirked entering her private jet.

"Fuck that bitch." (Your Name) said as she watched Grimmjow leave. "He's still mine."

She didn't hear much from Grimmjow that week because of the time difference and he claimed that he was super busy.

Grimmjow was starting to get his own small fan base in japan and it annoyed her because she felt like he was going to forget her slowly for fame.

When he got back from America everything was the same except she fought condoms in his luggage.

Grabbing them from his suit case she threw the whole case at him. "What the fuck Grimmjow? If you wanted to fuck another bitch at least be more secretive about it!" She yelled as he caught it.

"Woah it's not what you think!" He explains to her as she grabbed her own bags and started to pack.

"I can't do this no more, we can't with this relationship anymore. I'm almost 30 and I'm living a life of a newly college student. I want to advance my future! I want to get married and have kids! If I stay with you any longer I won't be able to love myself."

Grimmjow ran his hands through his hair and followed her in the bedroom. "I didn't do anything with her! I bought those in America for us." He tells her as she looked down and sighed.

(Your Name) wanted to believe him but from past experiences she was scared.

"I want to believe you but I'm scared." She tells him. Grimmjow pulls her close to him and makes her look at his face.

"(Your Name) I promise you I didn't do anything. I'm sorry I make you feel so low and insecure. I want to change that. Just because I work for those famous people doesn't mean I don't think you look just as good. You are the most fucking beautiful person I've ever met and been with. I don't want you to leave, I need you."

Wiping the tears from her face she held his face and traced his face with her thumbs.

"It's just hurts, it hurts to much. It hurts to know that you haven't thought about our future together. I can't let go of the past, your actions from before has caused me to be so cautious about everything you do. That isn't healthy!"

She screams at him as he felt his heart hurt from the way she told him her feelings she had been hiding the whole time.

"Please don't leave, I've been making things right for us. Why can't you believe me for once!" He argued back holding her shoulders tightly afraid to let her go.

That night she spend it in his arms crying.

Grimmjow stayed up till she was okay and comforted her.

Every word he told her weren't lies, he really couldn't see anyone else putting up with his shit besides her. He needed her to keep him sane.

"I'm sorry (Your Name)." He kissed her softly on the head as she snored below him fast asleep now.

Stirring in her sleep she held him tighter, his heart soften from this.

Grimmjow was a tough cookie and he was rarely nice, gentle and compassionate. Over the years he developed those traits being with (Your Name). Because of her he had many opportunities that came into his life and she helped him when he was at his lowest even though it hurt her along the way.

Grimmjow was blinded but slowly saw that (Your Name) will always be there for him no matter how much she says she wants to leave him.

He was ready for the future now, he let go of his past self and was working on his personal growth and goals.

Right now the bills are fine, they both have a stable job and their relationship was fixing slowly, he wouldn't have it any other way. Beside no relationship is perfect and he understood that they will always have their ups and down no matter how much they tried.

"Sleep peacefully (Your Name) I'll be here in the morning." Grimmjow says tiredly giving her one last kiss on the temple before drifting off to sleep.

[whatiwillsay]

I am feeling so guilty today. I am in love with my best friend and I got to see her this weekend (we don't live in the same city anymore), but I already miss her so much today. We've been friends since we were in high school, so more than 15 years now. She hasn't dated anyone either, but I'm 80% sure she views me as only ever being a friend. It's been years since I've recognized what these feelings are and I've tried to make them go away but they don't. So I just feel so guilty that I'm missing her so much and feeling this way about her. I should probably mention that nobody knows I'm gay either, so I guess that's why I'm sending this here. I just had to get it off my chest. How do I stop feeling guilty about this/stop these feelings? Any advice?

oh anon my heart is breaking for you rn. i’m genuinely sending you so much love and compassion. my advice would be to get some space from her and focus on other people and things in your life. also therapy, in particular someone pro lgbt who can help you process this heartbreak. if it’s as bad as it sounds it may be best to tell your friend just to clear the air and explain why you need to space but no doing that until you have a supportive mental health team you help you get through this. really really sorry you’re going through this sweet baby i’m pulling for you.

[rlbubbles]

my mom doesn't understand me part 1

(disclaimer : I don’t support or encourage self harm, or disorders of any kind, this is only a post to explain what I’m going through. If you are having trouble with anything, mental health or physical health, please get help.) and know I love you. even if I don't know you, I love you. and we can get through this. 💙💙

TRIGGER ALERT : IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH MENTAL HEALTH, I STRONGLY ADVISE YOU TO CONSIDER NOT READING THIS POST, I DON'T WANT TO TRIGGER ANY OF YOU, I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANY OF YOU.

mom : honey, what's wrong?

me : *explains what's wrong super clearly and in detail*

mom : oh. I'm sorry. okay.

me : *nods*

mom 2 hours later : hey. what's wrong? is everything okay?

me : no. I'm not okay.

mom : what's wrong?

me : same thing I told you a few hours ago. I still feel upset/hurt about it.

mom : what is it?

me : I told you already.

mom : tell me again.

me : *explains it to her super clearly and in detail*

mom : oh. okay. I'm sorry. maybe I can help. what can we do to make you feel better?

me : *explains what will make me better super clearly and in detail*

mom : oh okay. we can do that. it's easy.

me : yup. thanks mom.

mom 2 hours later : *does the EXACT opposite of what will make me better and thinks it will fix everything*

me : *realizes what she did* *panics/panic attack and ask* mom? why? why would you do that?

mom : because we talked about it, this would make you better.

me : no. mom. no. I said *the exact opposite* would make me better. this made it SO much WORSE!!

mom : oh. I'm sorry. I just wanted to help you, because I love you.

me : I know mom. I'm sorry. it's not your fault.

mom : okay. I love you.

me : I love you too.

me 2 days later : *stressing bc mom "fixed it" but really it's way worse and I'm struggling to find a solution to feel better*

me a day later : *realizes the solution is to push through it, (bc it's ocd and fear of fears,) and I'll realize I'm okay.

mom 2 hours later : sweetie, what's wrong? are you okay?

me : no. I've been stressed out for a few days now.

mom : why? what's wrong?

me : same thing that was wrong a few days ago. it hasn't changed.

mom : *thinks really hard* I don't remember. what was it?

me : *explains it super clearly and in detail*

mom : oh. I thought we fixed that.

me : no. you tried to fix it, but I couldn't feel better.

mom : oh. well. what can we do to fix it, so you feel better?

me : *explains what will make me better super clearly and in detail*

mom : oh. okay. that's easy. we can do that. okay. relax. you'll be okay. okay. I understand. you don't need to stress anymore, okay. I love you.

me : *sigh of relief* thanks mom. I love you too.

mom 2 hours later : *"fixes it" by doing the exact opposite of what will make me better*

me : *panics* mom? why did you do that?

mom : bc you said it would make you better.

me : no. mom, that's not what I said. I said *the exact opposite* would make me feel better.

mom : oh. I'm sorry. sweetie, I just wanted to help you. bc I love you.

me : I know mom. it's not your fault, I probably confused you when I explained it to you. (a lie bc, i don't want to make her feel bad, bc she struggles with depression and for a while suicidal thoughts)

mom : okay.

me 5 days later : *been struggling with panic attacks every two hours for the last 5 days because my mom "fixed it" and my solution is to push through the fear bc it's ocd and fear of fears, and I will eventually realize I'm okay, so long as I push through it, so I've been in my room all day everyday, for the last 5 days, bc it's my only safe place*

mom : *knocks on door, opens door* hey. are you okay. you haven't left your room for almost a week.

me : *panics, I can't tell her I'm not okay, bc she will want to "fix it", and I can't make her feel bad and think it's her fault. lies* yeah, I'm okay mom. I just really like my room, you know.

mom : are you sure?

me : yup. really. I'm okay. *smiles so she drops it*

mom : okay. *leaves room, closes door*

mom 2 hours later : *knocks on door, opens door* hi. I was just thinking, you know how you said you really like your room?

me : yeah. *nervous, what is she getting at*

mom : well, what if we rearranged it so you have more space since you like to be in your room?

me : *panics, knowing that if my room were rearranged, it wouldn't feel like my safe place anymore, bc of ocd and fear of fears. tries to make up a reason for why I don't want my room moved without my mom feeling bad* um. no. that's okay, I really like my room like this.

mom : really? are you sure?

me : yeah. I'm sure. it's perfect.

mom : mmm. are you sure? it looks a bit crowded.

me : mmm, no. it's actually not. besides it feels cozy like this. I really like it.

mom : are you sure? I'm really good at tectris, I can move your room around and you can have more space.

me : no. that's okay. there's actually a lot of space in my room. you can't tell bc you're looking at it from the doorway, but if you were to step inside and move around my room, you'd see it's actually spacious.

mom : are you sure. you're going to spend a lot of time in here. I want you to be comfortable. I can move your room. it would be really easy.

me : no. that's okay, mom. I really like it like this. please don't move my room around.

mom : *nods*

me : thanks mom.

mom : I'm just trying to help. bc I love you.

me : I know mom. and I appreciate that, but I really like my room like this.

mom : *nods*

me : thanks mom. I love you.

mom : *leaves room, closes door*

me : *slow breathing to get rid of panic attack that was caused by stress and worry that I had to come up with an idea to keep my mom from moving my room around, my safe place. panic attack leaves after 10 minutes*

mom 2 hours later : dinner. come and eat.

me and my brother : *walk to dining area to eat*

mom : *weirdly disappears for 30 minutes*

me and my brother : *decide to watch a movie in the living room*

mom : *suddenly reappears and sits and eats at the dining table*

movie : *end credits roll*

me and my brother : wow that was a really cool movie.

me : well, I'm going to my room now

brother : okay, I'll go to my room too.

me : *walks to my room, notices my door is closed, it's never closed, I panic, I turn the handle and see my room*

my room : hi. I've been rearranged. I'm no longer your safe place. your bed isn't where it used to be. and that pile of stuffed animals you had on your bed ready to be used by you when you "can't do this anymore" yup, there on that shelf over there, in a neat line. and the stuff that used to be on that shelf is now either on your desk, which is also moved or in your dressers' drawers, also... moved. but hey, you have .08 inches of more space!! I wonder what your going to do with it!! so I know I'm not the same room you left like 2 hours ago. but can we still be friends. I hope you like me. please like me. it's not my fault. I didn't want to be moved around. but your mom moved me. bc the only sign on your door that says "keep out" is an invisible lock of trust that's on your door. trust between parent and child. but that lock is easily broken (whispers) all you do is turn the door handle, and push the door open. so. do you wanna come and sit on your bed, and hug a stuffed animal, that you'll need to pluck off the shelf, after panicking bc you have to chose ONE from the shelf, but how do you chose ONE, when you second guess everything, but don't worry about that, just pick ONE, and sit on your bed and you can cry silently, being tormented by suicidal thoughts until you tire yourself out and fall asleep. but don't worry, those thoughts will be there for you when you wake up, waiting for you to wake up, it'll have a big grin and a knife, shining in a beautiful light, calling your name. so wanna close the door, and we can start.

me : *panics, can't breathe, tears are banging behind my eyes, runs to find my mom who sits at the dining table eating, like nothing is wrong*

me : mom. uh. I just went to my room, and it looks different.

mom : yeah. I know. I moved it for you. *smiles, like she deserves a best mom of the year award*

me : *chokes on my tears, still holding them back* you moved it. why? I thought we talked about it. you said you weren't going to move my room.

mom : we did. but I figured you'd like your room more if it's more spacious.

me : but I told you I liked it how it was.

mom : I know.

me : so why did you move it?

mom : bc I thought you'd like it.

me : *confused* but I said I didn't want you to move it.

mom : yeah, but you know how you don't really know what you like until you see it. *shrugs* same thing. I wanted you to see how I could make your room look, bc i think you might like it.

me : um. but I said I didn't want it to be moved. and I know myself really well.

mom : mmmm. *tilts head side to side* do you, though? I'm your mom, I think I know you better than you know yourself.

also mom : *works 24/7 and only talks to me at dinner for 2 minutes and at night to say good night. and when I "schedule" time to talk to her once a month for an hour to two to catch her up on my life.*

me : *struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for about 4 months when I was 14, and my mom didn't know anything, not even that I would cry in the bathroom every night for two hours. she only found out, bc I couldn't take it anymore and I was between killing myself or asking somebody for help. and I decided to text my uncle at 1 o'clock in the morning, and he text back. and said we should go out for ice cream when I wake up and we can talk about it. she only found out, bc I had to explain, why all of a sudden, I was leaving to see my uncle. and "just because we want to see each other" wasn't enough for my overprotective, aggressive parent of a mom. struggling with anxiety, ocd and fear of fears, I know EVERY FEAR I've dealed with for the last 3 years, what makes me calm and what triggers me, and my mom only knows about 2 fears that I've outgrown bc fear of fears, is a real b**** and gives new fears to me every two weeks. lovely, right? and she thinks she knows me. she doesn't even know what my favorite movie is!! for crying out loud.

also me : *nods, holding the tears back and says* okay. well, I'm going to my room now.

mom : okay. good night. I love you.

me : *turning away from her and walking out the dining area, voice cracks as tears start to flood my eyes* I love you too. good night.

mom : are you okay?

me : *shouts from the hallway, lies* yup. I'm okay.

me : *walks into my room, closes the door, stares at my unrecognizable room, my once safe place, my now, torture chamber. I break. tears roll of my waterline and race down my cheeks, "I can't do this" echos in my mind. I grab a stuffed animal from the shelf and face plant onto my bed. and silently ugly cry. telling myself, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I can do this, I'm stronger than this. I can get through this. I believe it less and less with each hour that ticks by. eventually my body gives up, and I fall asleep. only to face these thoughts again in the morning, bc my safe place isn't safe anymore.

this is my life from the time I could talk to now. I'm 19¾ today.

[lyfewhatlife]

2022.1.28 11.02am

Honestly, with my mind made up that I wanna quit my current job, I feel like I became more sensitive of my work environment. Ofc, with my boss being even more demanding and pressuring me to do more things, which actually weren't in the contract, it became more and more unbearable to stay in this place. And the fact that they forced me to use my personal social media accounts for work, instead of providing me with a work phone so I can make work accounts, only infuriated me even more. It is so frustrating when I already told them honestly that I don't want to use my personal account for work, they literally told me, "well, there's no other choice, you have to". I was seething with anger at that moment, but due to my position and also I didn't want to cause any argument, I kept everything inside that my chest hurt so bad. I feel they are violating my privacy, and yet there's nothing I can do to fix it. It feels more stuffy and stressful each day and I just can't. In addition to that, my brain keeps telling me how stupid I am for making yet another bad decision by joining this company. It is really bad for my health cause I have no say in everything, sometimes I don't even have a chance to say anything at all cause they wouldn't let me talk. Many times when they told me to do something that clearly I didn't sign up for when I sent my CV, I really wanted to just said it right at their faces, "you know what? I quit". But then again, I can't just resign impulsively as I still have to make money to pay my bills and being in a foreign country means I have to count about my visa too. I did apply to 2 companies, which are bigger companies compared to my current workplace and the job descriptions are something that I like. I went for interview for both, one already contacted me for final interview and final test, but the other one hasn't contact me at all which I assume I failed for that one. I can only hoping for the best for my upcoming interview and I hope I can get in cause I'm genuinely interested at the job and the work environment seem really nice since they have more foreigners than local workers which means they're more open-minded and not as old-fashioned as my current workplace, hopefully. I can only hope for the best and also fingers crossed my other mental problems wouldn't kick in during my interview. Lately, I feel like I've been doing better, I guess cause life has been treating me kinder these days. Although I can't help but assuming for the worst. Oh well, let's try to be positive and hopefully everything would go well for me this time around..