#mental breakdowns doesn't cut what im going through with this show

[guzhufuren]

bestie are you okay I saw you reblogged that pic a hundred times and was wondering if you just experienced a mental breakdown 🙃🙃

i have been experiencing highs of madness never seen before ever since they announced airing on june 30 but this one is what made me lose it all

[fgsfds09]

this is violet

she cuts her own hair, likes holographic stuff and hasn't showered in two weeks

i currently have two reqs lined up and i'll get to them before the year ends hopefully

more stuff about the future of the account and me are under the cut but tw/cw for mental illness and suicide ideations i guess

ok, so, i don't want anyone to reply to this, talk about this or reach out to me about this at all. any attempts will get you blocked on any platform i have you on. i just want someone, ANYONE, to hear me out. i know this is cringe, but i don't care, i no longer have the will to care. i don't care if you give two shits about me when i don't show the same kindness to myself.

i've been at my lowest for months at this point that it's getting funny, since november of last year holy shit did everyhting just get worse. if it's a mental breakdown it's been breaking down for months what the fuck is this supposed to be? the other time i felt like this was in highschool but it wasn't exactly the same. i had a life goal, it wasn't to get good greades or get in a good university or finish shit on time or even become a better person, it was starving myself until i either died or reached my goal weight which ot lower and lower. and now im so fat again and i feel like her efforts were in vain, what did she do this for? i thought getting into a decent program would fix this and i actually did feel happy, but im such a miserable pathetic cunt that nothing ever is enough, NOTHING IS ENOUGH AT ALL

am i so retarded that i can do nothing by myself? i've been losing friends left and right but it's all my fault, always my fault and honestly it doesn't matter anymore because tthe end goal is to block and remove every single one of them, every single one of you, every single person that might have interacted with me and either diasappear or end it all. the firnends i got from wattpad 7 years ago and the frends they brought along th way were the rock, they got me through all these times, they showed me unlimited and unconditional love and support and what do i give back in return? NOTHING AT ALL can't give them a better version of myself, can't give them a better friend all i can be is a retarded piece of shit and leave them behind which is so so fucking sad. i will at least treat them tea and home baked goods some fucking day but god i hope that day comes soon because i cana't take it anymore. but i love them, i love them and my cat more than fucking anything and im so glad i have them as my true friends, i hope they know they're th best things that has ever happened to me.

tip: if you ghost people for long enough they give up on checking on you and that's for the better, they better not know i exist, i no longer exist

the night, the fucking night in february that i finally decided to overdose and end it all i realised that i had ran out of my pills :DD the fuck. and then i lost my courage because of course i did. but maybe that's a good thing, the silver lining in still being alive was i started browsing gore subreddits and decided that the best way for me to go was a shotgun suicide. deep throat that shit and tilt back and bliss. i hope. it's so fucking scary to think that if i miss i'll become even more of a burden to my parents AND THEY'D MONITOR EVERYTHIGN i wouldn't even have the chance to try again. but i'll cross that bridge whe n i acquire a gun, i'll tint that shit pink and bedazzle the shit out of and clear a good 70% of my head out :3333 if i ever feel ready to go before that i'll hang myself in the farthest woods from my city and bloat with all my might, get so disfigured that they won't ever identify my ugly face. until then a girl can only dream...

shit gets better for a moment but then im back at square one, what good am i to this world? other than sitting on my ass, listening to shitty music and walking around the dining table fantasising about all the things i could've achieved and eating up daddy's money, i am nothing. nothing, just nothing. all i do is take up space and be a burden to those that love me. my parents tell me that i am not a burden but i can sense it, i can feel it, the thoughts are there in their minds. i am not sure if it's the sunk cost fallacy but one of us will have to cut our losses and understand that we will get nowhere. i guess that would be me, my parents could never ask me to leave. i know that they love me, but sometimes love is not enough and they can still love me whereever i am, i don't even have to be alive for it. all they are believing right now is that i am doing better and me taking less meds is the right thing all while my mind is in agony. but it's not real, it's in my head, and i am so ashamed, so fucking ashamed. i already do my best to disappear from their lives, i give no input to famil decisions, i try not to spend money, what else can i do? let me rot in my room and call some cleaning services, idc. i no longer want a room in the house they want to buy. the sooner they start pretending i don't exist the better it will be for all of us.

less meds mean more alcohol, i can get away with more alcohol and maybe even i shot up some heroin people would care about me less. i would do that given i had the chanve and that thought is so fucking terrifying. knowing that i innately want to destroy myself, and will fucking do so, it's terrifying. i hate every single part of myself, the part that is scared and the part that is mad, there is nothing good in me other than pure misery. i don't want to be sober, i don't want to be sober, i don't want to be sober, i don't wanto be sober at any moment of the day, not anymore not anymore not anymore not anymore. i am so terrified of men that the thought of being alone with A MALE FRIEND makes me sick to my stomach. nothing would happen, nothing would happen other than exchainging some laughs and memes BUT I AM TERRIFIED. I AM SO SCARED. i am so scared. so scared of everything. nothing ever happened to me that would justify this fear but my god does me brain hate me so much that it keeps giving me irrational fears to prevent me from ever escaping this room. living with my parents, it's so hard to destroy myself. they don't want me to drink even beer and i can't even cut anymore since i wear such revealing clothes. the cuts on my thighs from february or march are still visible and im scared they will always be, why are they so brown and ugly and not faded?? wrists get a milky white colour, WHY ARE THESE SO VISIBLE? no one has cauht a glimpse yet but what could i even say? a cat doesn't scratch in that pattern.

i live in a shit country in a shit city with shit people while being the biggest of shit myself. sometimes i even wish i was hitler so that i could be someone, ANYONE.

maybe one day i'll read this and cringe. maybe one day things will get better and i'll realise the progress i've made, or maybe, more possibly, i'll reference this post in my suicide letter in APA 7th edition format if i ever write one.

holy fuck was writing all these shit cathartic. i don't know why i wrote this at all. maybe i wanted someone to acnowledge me, that my existence wasn't in vain. my i wanted to acknowledge myself. each passing day i feel like im getting more separated from my body and my real life body is a different person and i, as my cconciousness, am somebody different. i hope one day i will be able to feel the same and a real person, but those days seem too far away.

won't even tag anything, pretend this never existed.

edit: 4.51am, i just learned a 22 year old girl killed herself by throwing herself on the tracks. i'll be 22 soon. maybe that will be my tipping point too.

[duckymcdoorknob]

hey hey

if its possible could i get an emergency request for haikyuu?? ive been so stressed lately because my adhd (which my parents dont believe) and executive disfunction kept causing me to get distracted all the time and now im loaded with so much work and tests and honestly i feel like im on the verge on the mental breakdown :'( and maybe where the reader is pretty closed off and doesn't show their vulnerable side and tries to mask it with humor

with kuroo or atsumu please

thank you in advance and have a nice day <3

Oh of course you can, love!!

I 100% feel you, so I will do the best I can!

Trust me love, I’m 4 assignments behind in Econ and I still haven’t written my essay that was due a week ago.

Please feel free to talk to me whenever you need me okay??

CW UNDER THE CUT: Implied Verbal Abuse

𝑇𝑒𝑡𝑠𝑢𝑟𝑜 𝐾𝑢𝑟𝑜𝑜

Trying to get you to open up was like trying to penetrate Fort Knox.

Kuroo desperately tried to though.

The day you came into Chemistry, and practically melted onto the lab table beneath the two of you, gave him his initial thought.

‘Something is clearly wrong’

“Hey (Y/N) what’s-“

He peered into your opened planner that was placed your messily thrown belongings.

His breath hitched when he saw the lists upon lists of bulleted assignments and tests you had to worry about.

Kuroo sighed fondly however upon noticing the a doodle of a dog in a Christmas hat.

“Hey” he whispered as the students continued to file in.

“Mm?”

“Will you take notes for me today, (Y/N)? That way, I can work on this.” He finished by grabbing your planner, folder of papers, and a bulky math packet that you were yet to start on.

“Oh? An honor code violation? For widdle ol’ me?”

“Hey nothing’s illegal till you get caught. But please. Let me help you out, you have so much on your plate. I’d be ready to explode at this point.”

“That’s a negative, ghost rider. You gotta focus on class, boss man.”

He chuckled slightly at your witty remark and took out his calculator.

“I don’t have a choice do I?”

“Nope!” He cooed with a beaming smile, glancing at the math packet, “You know how I like my notes, highlights and colors, if you would.”

You released a breath of air in amusement, silently thanking whatever deity was up there (if you atheist idk who you thank LMAO).

After chem, you made your way to a bench in a more lesser known area of the school, ready to make an attempt to study for your tests.

What was supposed to be a relaxing time turned into something awful.

You glanced down to look at your phone to see a deluge of texts and missed calls from your mother.

As it turns out, your teachers had called your mom to tell her about all of your missing assignments and that you were “choosing to not pay attention in class”

The words you read from her were words that a mother should never say to her baby. You were so frustrated that she didn’t believe you, and now your teachers don’t even either.

Thank goodness you were in a secluded area, or else everyone would’ve seen you throw your head in your hands and sob.

But... best friends always seem to know where you are and Kuroo found you. He didn’t even hesitate, dropping his schoolbooks to the floor and wrapping you tightly in his arms.

“You’re okay, love-bug. You’re safe. It’s just me. I’m here for you.” He whispered as he rocked you back in forth in his arms. “Everything is going to be okay, love.”

“I- K-Kuroo- shit I cant-“

“What’s going on? Please tell me.”

“N-no I- I c-can’t. d-don’ wan’ b-bother you.”

“(Y/N) you have to let me help you.” He sounded desperate, as if almost on the verge of tears himself.

“I-“ you sighed through your staggering breath, “J-jus need a m-minute.”

When you’ve cooled off enough to speak, you still found yourself quaking in his grip. Apologizing profusely, you attempt to squirm out of it.

“Hey. Don’t worry about it, take whatever time you need.” He laces his fingers in between your own and squeezes firmly. “I’m here and whatever you need I’ll get it for you.”

“Heh...” you mumble “I need all of my homework and essays to automatically be done so I can focus on studying.”

Kuroo’s eyes sparkled as he smiled brightly “Wait here for me, yeah?” He squeezes your hand and went to his hastily discarded schoolbooks, picking up familiar items...

Your folder and planner.

When he hands them to you, you glance down and become overwhelmed with joy. You immediately set them aside as you wrap your arms around his neck, beginning to cry again.

What had happened?

The numerous assignments had been scratched off down to two, and each empty packet and assignment had the solutions paper clipped to them, so you could fill them in with your own handwriting.

You remembered how Kuroo made you vow to tell him when you need help. You knew he would never be upset to assist you. You just always felt it to be so burdening that you chose not to.

Maybe this time helped to open your eyes.

——————✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞——————

[ms-indifferwnt]

“I’m Cold”

“I’m cold"

“And?”

“Can’t you give me your jacket or something?”

“Can’t you accept my proposal and marry me already?”

In which Prince Donghyuck’s parents are forcing him to get married and he decided to propose to the first girl he sees to shut his parents up

Genre: Prince!Lee Donghyuck x Maid!Reader, Angst, Fluff, Arranged Marriage (kinda), Slowburn

Warnings: Curse words, Suggestive (I’ll add more if there are)

Notes: Chapter 10 out of 13 of Im Cold. Im genuinely proud of this one, tell me what you guys think

WORD COUNT: 3.6k

Prev / Chapter 10 / Next

"You made me out as some kind of fool" Donghyuck raised his voice and looked at Y/n who was cowering at the anger the Prince was releasing "Why didn't you tell me about Hendery?"

You looked up at him "What?"

"The world thinks you are my Fiancé and you didn't think at all that I might wanna know if you're already in a relationship?"

"But-But why would that bother you?"

He froze, Why did that bother him? For the past couple of days he has been asking the same question, why would something like this be uncomfortable and why in the world did he care four days left and two weeks are up so why does he want to keep you more than ever especially now that he knows you do not belong to him? he looks down at his tea, bottom lip caught in between his teeth

"Your Highness?" You called and he lifted his head from looking down when he heard your voice and he see you, your head slightly poking in between the door to the tea room and he realized where he was. He just had a one sided, mental fight with you and he froze, he lost a mental fight by just a couple words, he rolls his eyes and massaged his temples, curling in on himself as if a scared animal, he bit his lip and closed his eyes, the shock and pain of everything that happened so far came crashing down and he covers his face while you entered the room with a worried expression "My Prince?" You called and he reached out for you, one hand in the air, with you following his action and moved to hold his hand, some of the maids that wee tasked to watch after Donghyuck watched as you helped the Prince sit up straight "What happened?"

Donghyuck knows that this is just him being a bit petty but his head was starting to ache from all of this and he still hasn't understood what the pain in his chest was. Ever since he has decided to join you in going home, the pain in his chest hurted more, the first it was he saw Lucas and you getting close then when you got hurt, then now after meeting both your brother and your boyfriend. He could brush it off but now, he can't even think straight.

The maids, once they saw the Prince curled their immediate reaction was to move towards him and make sure he was ok but you came first and had already assisted the Prince "Are you ok?" You kneeled down in front of him his hand covering his face while you held on to the other one that was reaching out, "Donghyuck?" You tried again slowly prying his hand out and away from his face only to be greeted to him crying, the tears were fresh and they wont stop, he attempted to wipe them away but they were still there.

Donghyuck tried to stop he did, of all people he doesn't want you to see him like this, but the moment that one tear dropped it all kept cascading down and he looks at you, you were kneeling and was now on the same face level as the Prince but the only thing  to see was how worried you looked, opening your mouth and letting go of his hands to wipe his tears and ask what could've caused this type of reaction from the crowned prince

The tears only fell more at the sight of you worrying over him and he places his head on your shoulder and you freeze "Just for a little bit" He whispers and closes his eyes, breathing in your scent to calm himself down, he wraps one arm by your waist, knowing you won't let him do this in a normal setting, he summons all of his remaining strength so say the next words "Let me put on a show" Let me hold you while I can

"Your Highness" You whisper "My knees are starting to hurt" you whisper and he smiles softly at the words, he lifts his head just by a little bit so it will no longer be heavy on your shoulders, letting you stand

The moment you did, Donghyuck had his hand grab and hold on to your hand and pulled you to sit on his lap, despite having enough space on the sofa he was currently sitting, In all honesty Donghyuck wasn't planning on you sitting on his lap, he was tugging you to sit by his side. You yelped and he raised his hands and pulled his head away in surrender, giving you a clear view of his swollen and red eyes and tears stained cheeks. It seemed he wasn't aiming for this outcome

You shifted off he lap and sat down by his side, he lowers his head and hides it by the crook of your neck and you straightened, surprised at the boldness of the Prince "Forgive me," He whispers "until my eyes are no longer swollen, I don't want anyone to see me like this" He shifts closer and kept his hand by your waist "Public Display of one's affection makes people uncomfortable, so no one will look this way" he whispers talking about the maids who were in fact looking at everything but the two of you

"I can ask them to leave" you whispered back and he hums "Your highness?"

"I don't want anyone to see, not even you"

You sigh "Please leave" And with that the maids bowed their head and left you and The Prince alone "What happened?" you shifted away from him and he sits up and turns away

"I said I didn't want you to see" He whines and you smile

"I'm sorry" He turns to look at you, the swelling and the redness of his eyes have gone down but it was still obvious that he cried from the tears that stained his cheeks, "You were upset because of me, right?" You smile and attempted to wipe the Prince's cheeks with your hanky

Yes. "Not exactly" He answered and sighed, letting you wipes his face "I was worried about you" He answered truthfully, "I'm sorry for not protecting you and even then it caused you harm"

"I told you, Your Highness, its alr-"

"Its not alright" He cut in "You got hurt and you cried in my arms, you were so afraid that you asked if I could stay in your room for the night, and when you asked to go back home and once you did, you cried into the arms of Hendery and then lost consciousness, what part of that is alright?"

"I'm sorry-"

"And stop saying your sorry" He says and pulls away from you, holding your hand "Please, Let me take care of you, you don't have to be strong, I want you to trust me the way you trust your family, I genuinely care about you Y/n and it hurts me to see you in pain so please," he bows his head and you gasped at the action not liking to see the Crowned Prince bow his head to you, pleading "Please let me take care of  you"

"Y/n" He calls once he spots heading in the direction of the lobby, after the scenario that happened this morning, this is the first time he has called for you.

After pleading Doyoung entered the tea room and Donghyuck, pulls away and stands, realizing that his words sounded exactly like a confession when he doesn't even understand his own feelings, he shakes his head, while you tilt yours cause you have no idea on what's going on "Please don't answer that" He whispers, he doesn't want to see which one'll hurt more, no and watch as you practically reject him or yes and make you choose between him and Hendery, it wasn't fair but Hendery had you first and your happy with him so who is he to take you away? "I'll call for you later, go eat breakfast" He smiles and just like it didn't look like he had a breakdown prior

"Y/n?" You blinked once the Prince snaps his fingers in front of your face "Are you ok? You're a little out of it"

You blinked and nodded "I'm ok" You smile and tilt your head "His Highness called for me?" You asked

Donghyuck tilts his head to the side and looks at the knights he has tasked to escort you "Please leave," he instructed and moved to settle beside you "Yes, I called for you, I wanted to ask about the issue about colors"

"Colors?" You asked with a slight tilt of your head

"Yes, colors" He offers his hand to lead you away, you stared at it before taking it "Its important that I get your opinion and" He pauses to bow to the knights by the door and lead you inside the ballroom and to a tray of sample colors, "Now pick"

"What for?"

"Just pick, any color at all"

"Prince Donghyuck"

"I'll tell you but pick a color first"

You pursed your lips but nodded and looked through the colors eventually picking out the color that catches your eye, and swiping it up and showing the Prince who takes it

"Pastel?" He asks to clarify if that was your chosen color, you nod and he smiles "Alright, So after I took you home and you met your family and-" he makes random hand movements to motion  for the people you met at the trip "Not only were you able to blow off some steam" He hands the color to a planner "Use this as your center, find other colors that match with this but pastel" He instructs and turns to you to continue his earlier statement "I was able to encounter valuable information" He takes your hand and leads you to a table and takes some pictures of flowers "Here, I'm thinking of these flowers or would you prefer the heliotrope?" he shows you the pictures of Peonies "they'd match well with the color you chose," He nods "Lets go with Peonies" He informs and nods at the gardener

"Your Highness, forgive me but I still don't understand why I'm here"

He nods and looks at you "Not only were you able to blow off some steam" He continued, letting go of your hand and placing his in his pockets "I also received valuable information"

"Information? about how strict my brother is?"

"No" He pouts at your teasing which was met with a smile, his heart skips "Your Birthday"

You blink "This is for my birthd-" You asked but that was rhetorical no wonder he asked you for what color or flower you prefer "No, Your Highness, You can't"

"I can" He corrected " and besides the King and the Queen also ordered this, so there really is no backing out now. Good news we'll invite anyone you want, Bad news I'm inviting the other Princes and there Girlfriends so expect to be flocked"

You looked at him "Why?" You asked genuinely confused "Two weeks will end exactly after my birthday"

He nods, sadly. It was just a moment but his eyes showed nothing but sadness before he smiles "Which will be the best birthday present" He leads you out of the ball room "Don't you agree?"

"You've started to enjoy the Patio don't you?" He teases when you lead him there after eating lunch with him and sat down on the sofa a bit far from the Prince "You're always here"

"Its relaxing" You answered and relaxed into the seat and looked out into the garden "It reminds me of home"

He looks a you and watches ho your hand was placed on the skirt, your posture relaxed and calm and he smiles. He didn't realize how much he wanted to see you like that 'till he saw you

"Thank you" You said softly and looked at him and he tilts his head "For a lot of things, for taking care of me and protecting my Grandparents home," He smiles at the memory of when he first brought you to a meeting  "And then that man who was making me uncomfortable, and then giving me sweets when I get upset" You laugh, Donghyuck looked away, a hand to his chest he can feel and hear the rapid beating against his chest and ears "Even that time you and I fought, you still told Yuta Oppa where my favorite shop was" He looks at you as you closed your eyes and giggled. Donghyuck was mesmerized at the sight, the afternoon sun bouncing off the patio floor and against you making it seem as if your glowing and angelic. Donghyuck paled, why is he seeing you like this? "And for protecting me against the Duchess and her daughter"

He swallowed and forced a smile "You deserve everything, I want you to be happy" He said truthfully "You don't need to say thank you to something that I'm willing to do anything for"

She nods and leaned against the sofa before smiling "Still, I'm very thankful"

He coughs and looks to the side to spot one of the butlers and he calls for him as you take your phone out when you felt a notification "Your Highness, Future Crowned Princess" He greats and you looked at him

"Crowned Princess?"

"He's not wrong" Donghyuck answers "Is that wine?"

"Yes, your Highness" He nods and starts to explain "Lord Taeyong and the King have asked for it"

"Great" Donghyuck says and motions with his hand "Get me a glass"

"Pardon?"

"You heard me"

He nods and places some wine in a glass as you leaned close to the Prince to whisper "Your Higness, its the afternoon"

He turns his head to look at you "I know"

"Here you go your Highness" the butler hands it off to the Prince

Donghyuck drinks it  "Thank you and uh leave that bottle with me" You and the butler stared at the Prince's request before he nods "Get The King a new bottle" He instructed and drank wine again

"Are you ok?" You asked "Why drink at a time like this?"

"I just needed to think" He answers and you tilt your head waiting for him to elaborate but he didn't

Donghyuck was stuck in his own mind, sipping wine in between. This is insane, Why haven't I ever thought about this before? Was I that dense or in denial? Oh this is insane, I can't even think straight- "May I go out your Highness?" Your voice broke through his thoughts and he looks at you

"Yeah, where are we going?" He asks and puts the the wine down

You tried not to smile "Just me your highness"

"Nonsense," He answers and looks at you "I'll go with you"

"You have schedules tomorrow" You pointed out and he shakes his head, you chuckled and showed him your phone "you do, and Doyoung Oppa has personally tasked me to make sure you do them, You've been neglecting your duties, your highness"

"I can move them" He huffs

You laugh "You did that yesterday, I'll be ok"

"Fine," He relents "but you're taking some of the knights from Honoris"

"No Your Highness, I'm just going home again, I don't need knights from the Honoris"

"You need an escort, its either The Honoris or me?"

You pout and Donghyuck had to bite his lip to remind himself that the sight infront of him is not a dream "One Knight from Honoris then and Your Highness don't bite your lip" You scolded and he stops "The natural tint of your lips will lessen if you do that"

He blushes and takes out his phone, clearing his throat and texting someone "I'll task Sir Yangyang with you" He changes the topic

"But Sir Yangyang might-"

"He knows about the deal" He cuts off "Yanyang will protect you so you don't have to worry"

You nodded "But I wanted to say that I wanted to spend time with Hendery"

He stops and slowly nods "Yeah, of course" He slowly looks at you and forces a smile and grabbed the wine from the table "I'll inform Yangyang then" he says and takes a drink

You opened your mouth to speak when your phone rang  and he rolled his eyes once he spots the caller ID: Dery💕 "Excuse me" You murmur and stood up to answer it a bit far from the Prince who refilled his glass of whine

Donghyuck looks at you and watches as the corner of your lips lifts to a smile and he takes a sip, dialing a familiar phone number and hearing ring he waits patiently for it to be answered

"Hello?" Mark says from the other line, "Wait, one second, Haegyong I swear I'm going to snarl when I meet your brother again just for the sake of seeing that face again"

"Yeah take your time" Hyuck replied

"Ok, I'm back" Mark says and Donghyuck can hear the sound of him sitting down on a chair "what's up?" Donghyuck wasn't able to reply cause the first thing he notices is you, you laughed at something Hendery said and it made Donghuck's blood boil "Hyuck?"

"Sorry, I was," He takes another gulp "thinking"

"How's Y/n? I heard about The Duchess scandal, is she ok?"

"yeah, she's ok. It scared her but she's ok"

"That's great, wait are you," Mark stops and listens to Donghyuck pouring himself another glass "Are you drinking?"

"Yeah"

"What Happened?"

Donghyuck extends his arm so Mark can hear your side of the conversation "Yeah, I asked his Highness and he allowed me to go, with an escort of course. A knight, Sir Liu Yangyang. I know you've heard of him" You laugh and coo "Hendery!" You scolded and Donghyuck places it back to his ear

"Who-?"

"Her Boyfriend"

"Oh." Mark answers and bites his lip "That's why you're drinking?"

"No"

"Then why?"

"Because my dumbass just realized how fucking stupid I am" He cries and takes another sip

"You're over exaggerating"

"No I'm not. Cause Why of all times did I have to think about it now?  or why of all people its her? or why, why of all possible 'worst case scenario' I have ever thought through my head, why, why dear lord, why this?"

"Hyuck" Mark starts and Donghyuck places his phone away from his ears once he noticed You walk towards him Your phone in your hands

"My Prince, I'm a bit sleepy" You started and he nods, smiling softly at you "May I be excused?"

"Yes, you may" He answers and stands "Get some rest, I'll call you for dinner, ok?" he reaches to hold your hand to lead you to your room

You shake your head "No thank you, I can go myself" You smile

He nods again and lifts your hand to give you a small kiss on your knuckles "Alright, be careful"

"Yes I will, Thank you" You bow and left the Patio in the direction of your room, Your phone was in your hand and he could see a clear view that your call with Hendery hasn't finished yet, he bites his tongue, anything to draw the pain in his chest away

"Hyuck?" Mark's voice drew him back to reality when his eyes watched you until you disappeared from view

"Hyung" Donghyuck's voice was shaky at best and he collapsed, sitting on the chair his hands in his face "Hyung it hurts" Mark stayed quiet on the other side as he waits for Donghyuck to elaborate "I love her Hyung," He sobs quietly into his hand and Mark bites his lip at his friend's confession "Why does loving someone hurt so much? I want to keep her Hyung," He pleads "I want to marry her, and be with her but, but, but why? Everything hurts Hyung"

I’m Cold Taglist:

@staysstrays @tyongf-sunflower99 @jackyeongljin @rebel-lious-alien @daydreamiies @channiespup @jaeshark @itlittlefangirl @ncttboo @manutuankim @annetsocial @hyuckiesoftie @little-precious-baby @sunshinedhyuck​

If you wanna be added, leave a comment♡♡

[calumsash]

ok so here's an extra little thing nobody asked for: this is the journey for ✨ green silk shirt ✨ luke for the moodboard i made for jess' "passing through" fic. it's under the cut cause it's so long for no reason.

i sat down to make a moodboard for a favourite fic of mine and by the following description of luke i started the search:

"His chest is heaving and he tilts over, bracing a hand on one of his knees. He’s wearing a green silk shirt that’s sticking to his chest with sweat and shiny black pants that are also suction sealed to him."

so from my memory (and from searching "luke hemmings green shirt") i could only find these 3 pics of him:

the left one didn't really fit cropping wise, the middle one has a microphone which will be weird (it's from an interview but it's like 10 minutes and not in great quality and the shirt doesn't really come off as green in it) and the right one i just didn't really feel the vibe fit with the leather jacket.

so next thing i thought hey? i can edit? kinda. im gonna try and edit it myself. what a brilliant idea maya! so i took those pics of luke on the sunrise performance with his pink silk shirt and worked with that. the first few attempts were very... bright. he looks like a highlighter, im sorry.

while im having a mental breakdown over this shirt crisis, i was texting my friend and she also tried to help but it was a unsuccessful as well (in her words it came out "kermit the frog colour").

and then i took a break and came back to it and i played a little with one of the filters and by some miracle it worked. it actually looked good.

so im here like - im the fucking best. the queen of editing right here, right? so i use this one. also get the validation from the friend that it fits the vibe and that he looks like he's distressed after his car breaking down and seeing hot attractive cashton. so yay. a win.

but then. a few hours later a slap in the face. im going through my instagram and i see this post.

and im like, wait a god damn second. that's the fucking shirt. are you. fucking. kidding me. fuck. and i just want to kick myself in the face for forgetting the existence of this shirt in the old me mv.

at this point it's mocking me. it was right there. god im an idiot.

but i refuse to admit defeat. i will use the one i edited. i did not spend hours on picsart learning how to poorly edit as a teen so i wouldn't show my amazing skills on tumblr as an adult.

well anyways this had no point but me ranting about my stupidity and emotional journey.

after all of this - green silk shirt i despise you, but i still can't help but love you.

[sanstropfremir]

I absolutely LOVED reading your kingdom review. You gave me such an insight in things I never even considered, especially since our rankings are so different from each other. The Boyz was my favorite, the narrative was about RTK. How they felt bad for having to compete against their friends but eventually the groups only lifted each other up and it helped TBZ grow into the group they are now through the hardships and mental dilemma, falling into the next challenge right after they reached the top. It should have been more obvious though, I agree, it wasn't really visible for anyone who didn't know. I was wondering how you felt about the dancing in general? my reason for not ranking BTOB high was lack of choreo (and Peniel's verse), same goes for SF9. Mostly because I don't feel the hype when watching, it doesn't keep my focus on the stage. As a baby-performer myself, my goal is to make the viewer curious about what's next. is that the wrong way to look at it? that's what I've always been told, building the tension up and down to create focus. would love to hear your feedback on that! thank you so much for sharing, we need more reviews of people who actually know what they're talking about.

i'm glad that you got some insight from it! like i answered in the previous ask im here to hopefully bring some more depth and understanding for people that care and are curious!

you unintentionally proved my point about tbz’s performance: that is way too complicated! even the most talented solo dancers i can think of would have trouble distilling that down to something readable in 100 seconds, much less a group of like, a dozen people! the introductory stages are meant to show us the character of the group and their abilities in the most concise way possible, it's not the stage to do deep philosophical and emotional introspection. for a full stage? absolutely, go hog wild! but for this stage it was too ambitious and ultimately was ineffective to anyone that isn't a fan of them specifically. 

by dancing in general do you mean like, every group? i put most of my opinions on the dancing where i had them in each of the individual rankings but honestly? unless there is something that really stands out positively or negatively, a lot of ‘average’ kpop dance looks the same to me. i know it’s not, obviously, and if pressed i probably could do a more serious breakdown, but dance is only one element of performance. it has equal weight with all the others in my mind, and therefore i notice when it is either 

very good

does something unique

very bad, or

interferes with another element

which is the same as how i evaluate every element, if that makes sense. 

hmmmm. i thought about this a lot in the shower and turns out i had more opinions that i expected so i'll put them under a cut.

firstly, i don't think lack of choreo should be penalized or considered an ‘incomplete’ performance. at the end of the day, these are bands, and a part of their brand/product they sell is the music. complex choreo does not need to be attached to that to make it a successful performance. also, btob did have choreo. any movement on stage is technically choreography. but this terminology can cause confusion so usually non-dance choreo is referred to as ‘blocking.’ but they also did include the song’s original point choreo at 1.41. the blocking in their performance was well thought out and suited the arrangement, by placing spatial emphasis on each part of the song that needed it. obviously it comes down to personal taste if the performance is ultimately ‘successful,’ because all art is subjective, but just because something isn't as visually complex as something else doesn’t mean it doesn't have the same level of thought. think of it like this: one is a super clean-lined post-post-modern grey/white living room, and the other is a kitsch goth basement. both share interior design principles and have obvious care put into the space, but they are vastly different styles that appeal to different tastes.

part of the job of production designer/AD is to decide what gets emphasis. a question you're always asking yourself is ‘is this important to the story that we’re trying to tell?’ and btob/their AD made a very smart choice with their introductory stage because it says a lot about them and their abilities in a short amount of time. that stage said ‘our foundation is strong, we have the training and experience and confidence to be up here and not rely on visual tricks.’ because they know they physically cannot do the things the 4th gen groups can; they're a decade older and they only have four members, it's just not feasible. something you learn with experience is the power that specific and pointed emphasis holds, which segues into my answer to your last question. i don't necessarily think that ‘building hype’ is the wrong way to perform something, but i do think it is a flawed way to approach creating a performance.

i think that ‘hype’ is flawed concept at its core, and one that focuses on the idea that there’s always being something more, something next, beyond the work itself. now there’s nothing wrong with playing with tension within the internal structure of a piece, that's exactly how constructing a narrative happens. however, the flaws come once we extrapolate beyond the boundaries of that individual work. the idea of ‘whats next’ implies that you have to constantly be promoting, have a sequel coming, building hype etc so people will keep engaged with your work. which is deeply capitalistic in nature and operates on the assumption that art exists purely as a product to be sold. and in order to keep selling you need to keep making a bigger and better and more spectacular product. and this is not the case at all. marketability is not the essence of art, it merely a factor of creating it under this insufferable system. kpop in particular suffers from this because the industry is specifically fabricated to produce capitol. we can have discussions all day about idols and their artistic integrity but at the end of that day, they are all cogs working with a system that was specifically made up by essentially one person to be culturally exported and to just print buckets of money. so in following that train of thought, there is a constant attitude of bigger and better because shock value (whether positive or negative) gets social media attention and therefore it sells. and it has become exponentially easier (and also seemingly required) to make things that are bigger and better than ever before. i remember being blown away by the projection floor at the sochi 2014 olympics because something of that scale and complexity would never have been possible without literally having the funding of the olympics. now that technology is easily accessible to anyone with an amazon account and the time to learn how isadora works. in comparison, it took 2400 YEARS for just the job of a ‘theatre designer’ to be even become a job at all.

because of kpop’s fan culture it is especially prone to ‘hype’ behaviour. in general with the accessibility of the internet and social media, everything has turned into a competition, and who can generate the most buzz ‘wins’. but ultimately that has taken away the general public’s ability to recognize that you can enjoy something quietly and you can enjoy something slowly. that the enjoyment of something doesn’t need to be all exclamation marks and keysmashes and trending hashtags on twitter. there is value in a work engaging in an emotion within you that is not just excitement. most of the artists and companies that i consume the work of i don’t do so because their work makes me excited, i do so because i liked the experience of engaging with that work. several years ago i saw the eternal tides by legend lin dance theatre, which you can watch a really short clip of here. that is not slow motion, that is actually how slow the dancers are moving. and 90% of the show is performed like that. and its two hours long. and it was one of the most incredible performances i've ever seen. if i ever get the chance I will go see another one of their shows again, not because i care about how they can top that experience i had, but because i know they can produce that experience, and that is enough to make me want to seek them out again. the speed of the internet has also loosened the general public’s understanding of just exactly how long creating a performance work can take. the lead dancer in the eternal tides was with the company for eight years before she and the piece were ready enough to be performed. large scale operas, musicals, and plays often have a year or more of pre-production before they even get to rehearsal. smaller theatre companies workshop new pieces for years at a time. performance is hard and it takes time. you can eliminate some of that with sheer amounts of money and people, which is what the kpop industry has done, but it speeds up the cycle of consumption to a degree that is not sustainable, especially for companies and creators who do not have that kind of access. performers and performance makers often don't put enough trust in their audiences. if they like what they see, they will come back. they dont need to be constantly bombarded with content at all times.

now that i’ve said a bit about why i think hype is a flawed concept, let's bring it back to kingdom. sf9 did something very interesting with their stage in that they actively chose to limit their dance time. and this plays very well off the performance film stage that taeyang did a couple of weeks ago. taeyang is talented and confident (for good reason), and his solo was incredible. but when it came to the intro stage, instead of trying to one-up the solo stage, the group instead said ‘well people are going to be looking at us because taeyang is insanely talented, so let's show them that we ALL have the confidence and the attitude to be up here.’ no need for flashy theatrics, they had the foresight to do something that would make them stand out from the rest of the groups. even if i was just casually watching the stages without doing any analysis on them (like i did for rtk), i would still be able to distinguish them because they had the stones to stand around for half their stage time. now i recognize them and would like to see what else they can do. same principle as what btob and also what ikon did. there is a fine line between anticipation and hype that gets equated in media consumption nowadays, but the two are not the same.

i think the tldr on this is that you dont need to ‘build hype’ or ‘go all out’ to make an interesting work. just focus on telling the narrative that you want to tell, and the people that recognize that will come. i could have a lot more things to say about peoples shrinking attention spans and the constant stream of information that we consume on a daily basis that devalues the labour done by artists in the eyes of the public and promotes hustle culture that is burning out and damaging creators at a rate that is both exponential and frightening, but that’s probably for another time, because this is SO LONG

[creative-poptart]

Oof hi, I saw that your asks were open so I decided to come bug you. Can I have an imagine of the ut, uf skeles comforting a friend/crush bc her girlfriend brokeup with her and maybe they see their chance to confess and there's cutesy fluff?? Hi sorry, im pansexual and need help. Sorry if I broke any rules! It doesn't have to be long, don't stress baby!

Sure thing honey! No rules have been broken, but again, thank you for the concern!

UT Sans/Vanilla: Tears are always a bit of an unsettling sight for him, especially on such a pretty friendly face like yours. He’s quick to rush over and make sure that you’re okay, get you set up with something warm to drink and let you talk it out with him. He’s also quick to take up the “treat yo self” mentality and allows you to indulge a bit on some things to calm you down, though he won’t let you go absolutely crazy. When you mention that you were just broken up with, his soul is going nuts and he wants to confess to you right then and there. However, Vanilla also recognizes that you’re really upset about this and now might not be the best time to bring up his own feelings. He doesn’t want to end up as a rebound, nor does he want you to feel like that’s all it is. Vanilla’s gonna try to win you over fair and square, without pressing his luck too much. For now, he’s going to make sure that you get over your break up in a way that doesn’t leave you too broken into pieces. Once you start to get your metaphorical feet back under you, he’s going to start to drop some hints though, and he’s not going to give in for quite some time. 

“hey hey hey, it’s gonna be alright. don’t worry about them for now, just focus on what you’ve got right in front of you and we can work through this together.”

UT Papyrus/Creampuff: The minute you show up at his house crying, there is nothing else on his mind other than to get you to feel better about whatever has made you sad. You’re quite literally yanked inside, thrown carefully on the couch, and commanded not to move until he gets back. Creampuff will tear apart the house to get everything he thinks he needs to make you feel better, even going out into his little garden and cutting you a fresh bouquet of flowers. Once all his things are in place, then you may talk about it, and he will listen with utmost attention. He never really like the idea of you dating someone like that anyway, but he won’t comment on anything until you are done venting your woes to him in the first place. Creampuff is quick to try and build you back up, telling you that you’re almost as great as he is, listing your accomplishments, and somehow getting you to smile through the tears. His genuine, honest comments about who you are as a person are pretty uplifting, even if you feel like utter crap. In the midst of his ranting about your greatness, he drops a line saying that there’s no way he could have fallen for someone who was less than great, which makes both of you stop completely. He... wasn’t planning on this??? Creampuff’s improvised confession manages to shock you out of your funk, but now both of you are a mess. There’s good things up ahead though, just watch.

“IT WAS NOT IN MY PLAN TO LET YOU KNOW OF MY DEEP AND COMPLICATED FEELINGS FOR YOU LIKE THIS, BUT... I ONLY SPOKE THE TRUTH IN WHAT I SAID, REST ASSURED!”

UF Sans/Red: The fastest way to get this guy to reconsider his attempts to not murder people is to have you showing up somewhere with a tear-streaked face and looking extremely upset. It’ll take a minute for him to recollect himself and refocus, but once he gets there, he’s all ears, metaphorically speaking. While he’s no good at providing you any form of comfort, he can give you someone to talk to about your problems, stars knows he wished he had the same thing. He’ll sit quietly and let you talk while throwing in the occasional snarky comment about your now-ex, arms folded over his chest. Red wants to go over and beat up your ex for breaking your heart, but at the same time, now he has a shot at being yours, so he’s very conflicted. For the moment, he decides not to hunt them down, and instead sticks around with you until you’re at least a little better. He won’t make any comments about what he feels for you right now, as he can’t quite trust what he wants to say about that yet, but you will notice that he’s a bit more touch-prone with you and quick to be at your defense.

“there ain’t no reason f’r them t’be like that at all, an’ it’s stupid. ya shouldn’t linger on it too long, ‘r it’ll start hurtin’ ya more than it hurts them. best t’keep goin’.”

UF Papyrus/Fell: Who in the hell can think about confessing emotions when you’re upset and crying?!? Not Fell, that’s for sure. He’s even worse than Red when it comes to comfort, as he’s a suck-it-up kind of guy. However, he does know that people appreciate it if he lets them speak instead of him trying to talk over them when they are having an emotional breakdown. He’s quick to read some things about giving other people comfort on his phone, then does his best to implement them with you, albeit very stiffly and awkwardly. While he’s trying his best, you do start to feel a little better, because it’s comical to see him so out of his element and fumbling. When you’re all finished speaking, he goes into a complete tirade on how horrid your ex was and how they deserve to go die in a hole for leaving you so abruptly. Fell doesn’t beat around the bush with people he cares about, and so he tells you straight up how he feels about your ex while carefully omitting what he thinks of you. It’s surprisingly helpful to hear a blatant and blunt explanation of what your ex did wrong, and you feel better by the time you leave. Fell hasn’t given up on winning you over though, so he’ll start to bring out the best he has to offer in order to show up your ex.

“WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, THEY ARE WORTHLESS TRASH AT YOUR FEET AND YOU SHOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM ANY LONGER! HOW DARE THEY TREAT THEIR DATEMATE IN SUCH A MANNER, AND YOU SHOULD CUT EVERYTHING OFF FROM THEM!”

[heartthatwontquit]

I'm just a Dude!!!!!!!!

A fan. Who grew up with so much fun stuff. A kid who woke up at 6:00am every saturday morning to watch SONIC X.

Played Sonic adventure DX Director's Cut on an old gamecube.

I, at the time, had no intent of evil or anything crap or childish. Just watching cartoons, on my ANTENNA tv WITHOUT internet.

Outside all of that, it was chaos.

Fights at home. Alcohol involved. But not me and my brother. Who do you think?

To the point things were smashed and broken and tears were running down me and my brothers faces. And lies were told.

Do you honestly think we lie about reasons for stress relief or methods of how we young ones blow off steam? Not even one coping mechanism.

Cause im just smoking cannabis, looking for a job, while getting stressed the hell out at home.

Cannabis at least for calming down, killing the fear and anxiety and pain. Emotional, Even and Especially physical.

Just had my 22nd birthday come and go recently and now im just starting to think this is very fucked up.

How can i forward that i just don't want, let alone EVER, hurt anybody and calmly follow my dreams without messing with, hurting, or offending people?

Is it really my life when i turn 18?

Cause i also remember hearing something about being your own person.

Why would I want to be a criminal or anything unpleasant or flat out negative?

Hell even the showoffs in cartoon episodes on many shows throughout the years have literally depicted that kind of person.

March 22nd 2013.

I got stuck in the bathroom for 25 mins to what felt like an hour.... Meanwhile on the outside EVERYBODY WAS FIGHTING.

This was screaming and honestly Hell.

I dreaded going outside of the bathroom.

So i stayed inside until everything was over eventually.

I told one of my guidance counselors at middle school this while she was taking me home after i missed the bus at school.

YEAH. you can miss the bus at school and if your parents have the whole night of work until 11pm and no one else to pick you up THEN YOU WERE HONESTLY FUCKED.

So my counselor at middle school took me home. She owned 11/22/63 by stephen king.

Let me read it for a bit.

Saw the series later on Hulu later in life.

Though, at least my brother got a bus ride. At least he didnt have to share the fear and little bit of hopelessness i was feeling.

But when i got a ride from a fellow stephen king fan, i was beyond caring of any distress.

And i was still a big Sonic fan at the time and also beginning to go into the brony fandom.

Now to tell you the truth nitty gritty, i first saw MindlessGonzos Tumblr dubs. One of the very first things that got me into the fandom. After that it was Quemdolum or JackTHerbert. They made me laugh and kept my head above water while i was also getting heavily bullied in 7th grade to 8th.

Then it was onto music from the fandom

Teithepony or AcidUsagi now -- Love me cheerilee. Tried to look and find that one but in time i got it. I think it was the first pony remix i ever heard. The rest of the iconic music/ songs like Winter Dance up from SimGretina, or Discord from Odyssey Eurobeat were just amazing.

But however just to bring things back to reality and TO BE HONEST 2013 sortve ruined that. On July 6th 2013, i was ultimately and just devastatingly disappointed after so much hope was built up even by my mom. Told it wasn't possible for a trip to BronyCon 2013. Mom was then telling my brother in the kitchen to NOT tell me "I told you so."

That's how shit that was. Even when my brother was telling me "No i wasnt going to bronycon".

Then for some reason my mom shouted

"Yes he is!"

This was before the disappointment.

This was a good shot of hope for a bit.

But yeah it was a stupid but inadvertent fake out. I know it wasnt all on purpose to hurt me. Well then mom why did you say Yes He Is like everything was going to be FINE AND DANDY???

I know it wasnt deliberate because she never showed hostility or a "fuck you deal with it" mentality.

If that happened i would've snapped. More than i would think or imagine.

I feel like Henry Creedlow off of George A Romero's Bruiser.

Now there's no more pony cons at all............................ . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . .i dont even know whats gonna happen with Gen 5. Lets just wait and see.

To be honest i hope its not gonna get worse where in one scenario:

No one will care or know to the point where i could be dying of cancer, and no one would know or know for sure if it was cancer cause i had no doctors visit/appointment let alone Diagnosis to prognosis.

I'm Just a fan of so many interests that made me and lots of others who probably went through shit i went through maybe even WORSE,

But it doesn't mean i have no life.

Been through shit and honestly don't even know if i can even do shit. Its hard living down here.

Went through all 12 grades

But got no diploma or didnt went to the graduation ceremony or kinda sadder, could not afford the cap and gown.

All the chaos at home and on the outside of home. Just got worse after that. Way way worse.

Im very scared of approaching 2018.

This year was a defining year of what i call

"Crazy heartless Bleakness" that just ignored mental health, human problems, and abandoned all consideration empathy and compassion. Thats what i felt in 2018. Let alone losing friends.

Later it became surreal and terrifying because this was the year i got arrested at a wawa for having a crazy mental breakdown.

This was the moment i snapped out of reality and it was probably vaporized out of my head as i would describe it.

They said i was talking crazy, something happened and that my family was looking for me. My mom put out missing posters/papers.

But what happened to me in the jail.

You wouldn't believe me.

After that things were very different.

Then.... Weird very coincidental things started to happen.

To be continued...