#mental bandwidth

[ducktollers]

best friends

[mollyfamous]

I really prefer to discuss my mental and emotional energy levels as "bandwidth" instead of "spoons." Bandwidth just seems more... intuitively comparable to me. Like when I can't think because my brain is too noisy and chaotic, it uses up a lot of bandwidth , so "I don't have the bandwidth," to deal with a lot of things. When I can't think because I'm too tired/exhausted/spent, I've used up all my mental bandwidth allotment for the time being, so again, "I don't have the bandwidth." When I'm anxious, or upset, or frantic or having an easily frustrated day, my emotional bandwidth feels bottlenecked. When I'm worn out from feeling too much, I've used up my emotional bandwidth.

[daveinediting]

There are times when I change my work process because I want to. There are also times when I change my work process because I have to.

One of the projects on which I'm working right now involves two different pieces I have to create. And those two pieces are different enough that I can't think about the second one while I'm working on the first one. Literally. Can't consider it even a little bit. It's like there's a steel-reinforced brick wall in my mind preventing me from addressing these other thoughts.

Not exaggerating, by the way. It's really quite specific like that.

Which means I can only work on the second when I'm not doing anything at all with the first. Which means I have to consciously stop working on one before starting work on the other, or... I finish the first one completely before moving on to the second.

All of which is obvious and straightforward. 

The reason I mention it today, though, is because it's rare for such a creative block, such an either/or situation to pop up in my work. Its extreme presentation is actually a reminder to me that creative mental efforts really are a zero sum game. That is, one effort occurring simultaneously with another effort draws on the same amount of mental bandwidth. There are no simultaneous 100% efforts when it comes to strategic or creative thinking. Each one takes some fraction of the 100% each of us has.

That 100%, by the way, isn’t actually 100%. Much like when you buy a new hard drive, it never has the exact amount of drive space advertised on the box. It’s always something less because of such space as is needed to run the hard drive.

Make sense?

Because it’s the same deal with human beings plus... our focus always splits in some way. Our bandwidth is chipped away by more than just our creative attention.

These things, whatever they are, are mostly small. But you never know. Some days you’ve got more draw on your mental bandwidth than others depending on what’s happening in your life. So yeah. You never have the full 100% to play with. And everything you choose to do with the rest at the same time takes some fraction of that. Meaning, we don't multitask the way we think we do. The way we hope we do.

Yeah.

There are times when I change my work process because I want to. There are also times when I change my work process because I have to.

Ugh.

Apparently, this is one of those time...

I have to.

☹️

[capseycartwright]

even though christopher isn’t quite talking to his dad yet do you think he woke up today and realised eddie would be alone on july 4 and so he texts buck and is like. hey can you look after my dad tonight he really hates fireworks. and buck is on the way to eddies anyway and he chokes up a bit when he reads the text message but he promises chris he’ll look after eddie and when he gets to eddies house buck shows him christophers message and eddie cries his poor wee heart out because even when he’s mad, his son loves him so much. and buck turns on a dumb kids film and cranks the sound and they build a blanket fort and buck sends the picture to christopher and reassures him that eddie is ok and he’s wearing earplugs and the fireworks aren’t too bad that year. do you ever think about that.

[beskarfrog]

Maybe it's too detailed but i always liked 'the swing' by jean-honoré fragonard for dinluke, with din as the woman swinging toward Luke and maybe away from the armorer or the other mandalorians.

Also I love this project, it's so fun and creative 🥰🥰💖💖

there is something very unrepentantly silly about this, thank you for the prompt!

painted 15 ABY by alderaan's royally sponsored artist, the painting hung in princess leia's office on coruscant for several years

museum title: the swing

alternate title: while exploring an abandoned jedi temple, grogu really wanted to try the swing they found and din wasn't going to say no, this would have been fine except no one told luke they were going to be flying at him from a tree

[icantalk710]

Quick compilation to show that I'm, for all intents and purposes, still alive in one way or another, hi 😳

[rosesncarnations]

Dancing flames

The scene I’d put it to if I could write for once (I can it’s just a roadblock)

Everyone had made way in the ballroom that the dance was held in the Hewn City’s moonstone palace as the two vipers twirls faster and faster, catching flashes of fire like striking flint. Nesta’s own eyes held her signature silver flames as the escaped with each exaggerated bloom of music from the band that was tucked away.

With each twirl she was lifting more and more into the air, staying there longer, feeling warm tickles across her cheeks bones like a lover’s finger trying to memorize features just from feeling alone. The way they wound down her neck as she was dipped quickly then righted once more.

With a coy smile she had her flames explore Eris’ own neck climbing tantalizingly slowly up to his jaw causing him to shiver ever so slightly. She watched as he smiled a smile that was so clearly fae, all fang and hunger with the hint of desire in his eyes.

They were showing off towards the end of the song, flashes of flame coming off one another, their own flames dancing as if on their own accord. They ended the dance with her shins to his chest as he held her aloft, orange flames wrapping around her fingers and wrists kissing sweet warmth into her palms.

[sivsii]

I think I need to make art or I’ll die actually. despite the horrors

[ahalliance]

i’m gonna keep pretending vague qsmp stuff isn’t being teased

[foxcort]

sad because i love the concept of dragon riders and dragons and the book covers for the e.mpyrean series look so aesthetically pleasing but i will not give a single penny to the horrible lady writing those books

[elviraaxen]

who else has done the most random life choices to accommodate for their disabilities?

Because I wanna know if I'm the only one who became vegetarian simply because of the fact that having too many food choices makes my brain shut down.

[captainofthetidesbreath]

I've threatened in the past to write a post about Spahr's passive narrative role, and I'm finally getting around to it because I've been talking to several folks about him and that passivity recently. I've covered this topic in broad level and as a specific element regarding Spahr in 1.18: A Good Man and in 2.11: Inside. I recommend reading that post as a companion piece to this, though you'll recognize a lot of quoting here of that post.

His passivity (as a narrative role) can be broadly divided into two categories: him not taking action for various reasons, and his mere presence being something that incites reaction.

The latter is a smaller category. Lark and Fuze see his ship arrive on Midst, then scramble to move and change the circumstances of the situation before he has time to do anything: Fuze by promptly writing a letter to arrange a meeting, Lark by murdering Fuze. Phineas reacts to his arrival at the cabaret before he does anything at all. Spahr's presence is, on its own, powerful. It's noteworthy that all three of these instances do not react to Spahr as a person, really. He's simply a looming concept. The Prime Consector Jonas Spahr, a concept of a man. While this is a smaller category, it does create a problem of a lack of agency for Spahr. (Put a pin in the concept of agency for a moment.) In these moments, Spahr is less an active agent within the narrative and more simply an inciting incident. He does not really ACT when he arrives on Midst (setting Fuze and Lark to act) or when he arrives in the cabaret (setting Phineas to act), he simply exists in the space. Jonas Spahr arrives, and others drive the plot in reaction, but he does not get to act. The event happens in reaction to him but without his input, and it goes on without waiting for him to do anything at all.

The former, him not taking action, is a much larger category, and it collects a lot of different things. But, at the heart of it, it is about Spahr's own inaction or failure to take action. This happens for a variety of reasons, ranging from purposefully ignoring what is happening in front of him to a failure to commit including out of fear, concern for his position, or other inability to speak up. As a result, his role in the narrative is a generally passive one that largely centers on watching and observing. It's the first thing he does as a player in this story. He steps back and watches how Phineas handles the Ginsberg situation, and the narrators remind us four separate times in 1.03: Mica:

Thing is, Spahr does a lot of watching but, until more recently, doesn't really SEE all that often. He is for a long time a passive, immovable, unreadable observer to events as the eyes of God the Trust. He is that witness for much of events he's involved in, for... well, worse. After Phineas attacks Sherman, Spahr himself is quick to identify this problem with himself in 2.02: Ascendancy, that he is watching and looking but he is, perhaps intentionally, not seeing and noticing:

Worse than simply watching: he ALLOWS. He ignores the signs of Phineas's desperation, so that he doesn't need to do anything. He allows Imelda to convince him to leave Phineas behind on Midst. He allows Imelda to push him into making a statement about how fine things are on Midst. He allows Hieronymous to pressure him into bending the rules. He allows Imelda to torture Weepe (he allows Imelda to do a lot of things), and he feels like he's allowed the circumstances for Weepe to become Tripotentiary. He doesn't defend himself at his court-martial. He allows Costigan talk to him however she wants. He allowed the Upper Trust to conclude that Phineas should be fired if he didn't immediately improve.

That last one is contentious, and having to explain why I interpret it that way is useful to unpacking the crux of Spahr's central flaw here. (A case study, if you will.) Many interpret that it is Spahr's idea to threaten to fire Phineas as a motivator, but given the pattern created by every other incident in the list, I don't agree. Spahr deeply struggles with disagreeing with those in positions of power and influence over him. He carries out, dutifully and without complaint, the orders given to him because he lacks the will to resist or to refuse. (Again, he doesn't even fight for himself against the Upper Trust.) I think of Spahr casually mentioning he was ordered not to help and his stumbling panic when Phineas is fearful. Because of this, it doesn't track for me the idea that Spahr formulated this idea to fire Phineas.

It feels much more in keeping with his character and the details of his behavior during the scene—and with his established shortcomings and timidity and his tendency to quietly allow and carry out what he does not want—that the Upper Trust decided this and Spahr could not bring himself to fight it and instead chose to carry out his orders against Phineas. For me, it more coheres if he abdicated the responsibility onto Phineas and asked him to do the impossible, shifting the burden from himself to Phineas, all because he couldn't summon conviction, because he lacked the courage to disagree and the spine to stand for what he believes or wants. Case in point toward this interpretation: the scene in the Arca.

Season two is about Spahr realizing that he allows. We see it as he begins to process having abandoned Phineas and having not stopped Imelda:

Spahr is someone whose role is largely passive, both within the Trust systems and within the narrative. Just as much as he is to be seen, he is also very much here to see—and to refuse to see. He makes himself a passive witness to these horrors and allows them, silent and impassive and watching. He can try to intervene, last minute, but he's already facilitated this. The cabaret, the Arca. Even Sherman feeling he needed to take Weepe's deal, with Spahr moving after it is all said and done, is a lighter echo of these two scenes. To quote myself: "it's been asked of him: What are you refusing to see, Jonas? What horrors and brutalities are you allowing to happen? Will you always be intervening much too late?"

Ultimately, Spahr struggles with agency. In the interest of space, I refer to this post collecting episode quotes on the topic. He chafes against the idea that he doesn't have his own authority and is being maneuvered around by the political players in the Trust—but at the same time, he defers his own agency and maintains his own inaction and passivity. It's an incredibly interesting contradiction. He is afraid to fight, to resist, to intervene, and he is unable to find the conviction or the mettle or the spine. He's stood by, he's pushed it onto others like Phineas, he's ignored the signs, he's arrived too late, he's remained silent, he's paralyzed with fear, he's refused to refuse. He, well, does as he is told because he can't bring himself to defy his orders. He yields, every time. His role in this narrative thus far is defined by the fact that he does not act, that he chooses not to act or see, that he is frozen in place by fear or status, that even when he does try to act he cannot complete the action for some reason, that events are passing him by. He has yet to successfully take an effective, decisive, active action because he is locked in place—by circumstance, by more active agents, most of all by his constant decision to aquiesce. He always chooses not to muster the courage to do something hard, difficult, and costly for what he believes is right while the fight still means something, before it is too little, too late. Weepe is right: the Trust had him on a leash, and he was very willing to heel.

Spahr's greatest sin is that he has repeatedly allowed all this. Hopefully, before this is all over, he'll find the strength to refuse to keep doing so. Dig in his heels and refuse to do as told.

[tearlessrain]

I think the problem people have with parenting that transcends generational differences is that it's hard and complicated and it doesn't seem like it should be because so many people do it. but if you bring a kid into this world you gotta actually be a parent to them. you aren't their owner or their bff, you're the person responsible for helping them gradually turn into a well adjusted adult. sometimes that's gonna involve letting them have the freedom to figure themselves out even when you think they're doing it wrong, and sometimes that's gonna involve making them do things they don't want to so they learn how to function in society and take care of themselves and grow up healthy. there isn't any kind of easy catch all solution to raising a tiny human.

[nextstopwonderland]

Bryan Danielson meditating in the woods while saying “fuck Jon Moxley” before calling out Okada is everything i didn’t know I needed ☺️

[themoonunderstoodmydadjokes]

It is Sunday night and I do not wanna go to work tommmmoooooorrroooowwww ✨✨✨✨

[eighteaseven]

Soooo

What's this I hear about icemav breathplay???

I got part way through a breathplay fic for @oathkeeperoxas during battleship, but never finished it. Here's a very brief little snippet.

He doesn’t even greet Ice when he walks through the door. He just grabs him by the waist and pins him to the wall, leaning in for a sloppy kiss.

“What’s got you so worked up?” Ice gasps into his mouth, words slipping out between kisses.

Mav bites Ice's bottom lip and shakes his head just the slightest. He’ll try this once, and if Ice doesn’t like it, they’ll never speak of it again.