#menace of a cat id cry if anything bad happened to her so hard

[ndntighnari]

Can't believe this creature is over 18. Not only that but aside from some arthritis and being incredibly round (because my dad won't stop spoiling her with extra feedings) she's in almost perfect health??

Have some Ashallah pics, enjoy this screaming creature

[lentils-writes]

Day 9: The Middleman AU

(so, okay, this is based on an obscure TV show that only had one season. I wrote what I think is a pretty good primer for the series that you should read before reading this so you get the idea of how it works; unfortunately the YouTube link no longer works, but it’s likely you can find streaming options if you google. You can also buy it on iTunes and Xbox Live, I think. Please watch it, it’s amazing.)

The illegal sublet Melinda shares with another young, photogenic artist. 7:30 A.M.

Melinda’s in the middle of her morning yoga routine when her Middle-watch buzzes loudly. Sighing, she opens it. “What, Aida?”

“Have I interrupted something important?” Aida asks, her tone just tending towards sarcasm. “More important than protecting the world from evil?”

Melinda rolls her eyes. “What is it today?”

“There’s a ghost tiger rampaging downtown. Boss wants to debrief you before you head in. Get here as soon as you can, if it isn’t an imposition to you.” Aida switches off her side of the comms, and Melinda sighs and goes to get ready.

Her roommate, best friend, and maybe possibly secret crush Kara, who primarily spends her days either working on her newest performance art piece or protesting her new pet cause, is in the main room mixing what seems to be red dye into corn syrup. “Hey, MM,” she calls. “Headed to the temp agency?”

Melinda nods. As far as Kara knows, every morning for the last four months she heads to the Jolly Fats Wehawkin Employment Agency and is sent out as a temp to a new job. “I should be home for dinner. You?”

“I’m mixing fake blood to protest the new fur shop opening downtown today,” says Kara. “I’m gonna soak myself in it. I think it’ll really add visibility to our cause.”

Melinda blinks. “I hear toothpaste and rubbing alcohol take dye off skin,” she says. “You want me to grab some on the way home?”

Kara smiles. “That’d be great, if you wouldn’t mind. Thanks, MM!”

Jolly Fats Wehawkin Employment Agency, fifteen minutes later.

Aida’s at the front desk, as always, to keep up appearances that this is a temp employment agency and not the headquarters for the Middleman operations. The Organization Too Secret To Know (O2STK) insists on the utmost secrecy in their mission to protect the world from evil. Melinda doesn’t pause to say hi to Aida, because that would be pointless, but she does say “See? I’m here.”

“And not a minute too soon,” Aida says, her smile sickly-sweet.

Melinda rolls her eyes and continues on into Middleman HQ to get her Middle-Clothes on, then on to meet her boss.

The Middleman is there as usual, in his green suit and black tie with his thinning brown hair perfectly styled, and looking worried. “MM!” he says. “We have something very important to discuss.”

“Ghost tiger?” Melinda asks, raising an eyebrow. “We’ll need a big catnip mouse.”

“This is serious, MM,” scolds the Middleman. “If it were a regular tiger, that would be bad enough, but a ghost tiger’s strength and abilities are unknown and should therefore be approached with the strictest of cautions. We’ll have to leave immediately.”

Once they’re in the Middlemobile and driving, Melinda asks, “Has the tiger hurt anyone yet?”

“Not yet, but I presume that’s only because everyone has been extraordinarily lucky thus far. This is a spectral carnivore - we have no idea what damage it can cause to the physical world!”

Downtown. 8:15 A.M.

Once they’ve parked, the Middleman pulls out the Psychokenesis Meter to locate the tiger. “It seems to be located on Third Street!” he says, starting to jog briskly. Melinda follows him, resting her hand on her Middle-Gun just in case.

The scene that greets them shouldn’t be surprising, at this point, but it is. A glowing, translucent blue tiger is in front of a building has has a giant FUR ELISE sign on the front, menacing not only a group of store employees but also a group of protesters that are huddled together outside. A few of them are still shouting slogans. Including a girl covered in what looks like fake blood and not wearing much, if anything, else…

“Oh, [BEEP],” says Melinda.

—

The police accept their fake IDs from the Paranormal Zoological Association without question. Then, of course, they have to figure out what to do about the tiger, and quickly.

“I’d like to see if the Concussive Stun Field Generator would work on it,” the Middleman says, “but first we have to get everyone out in case it doesn’t.”

“Yeah, using that thing if it didn’t work would be basically like saying ‘hey Mr. Ghost Tiger, thanks for stopping by, we brought you a buffet.’”

“It’s actually Ms. Tiger in this case,” points out the Middleman. “Female tigers are smaller than males, but no less dangerous. Anyhow, perhaps it might be best to distract it or try to stare it off. Shout at it, make loud noises.”

“Hey!” calls Melinda. “Hey, tiger! Look over here at us!” She pulls out her Middle-Gun and fires it at the tiger, but the laser beam passes harmlessly through it, luckily not hitting anyone else, and all it does is growl at her and take a step towards her. “[BEEP],” she mutters.

“Language, MM! Here, try this Middle-flare, it might keep its attention.” He tosses her a red flare and a book of matches.

Melinda lights the flare, while still yelling. “Tiger! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! You’re a stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder! You’re the opposite of Batman!” Then she starts rotating through the curse words, which of course all get bleeped out, and then (just as she’s really starting to get concerned about how close the ghost tiger is getting, the Middleman snaps his fingers and rummages in his pocket and pulls out what looks like a tape recorder. “This might be just what we need.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a Feline Hypnosonic Cannon,” says the Middleman, pointing it in the tiger’s direction and pushing play. “A Middleman hasn’t had  cause to use it since the Great Feral Cat Invasion of 1943. It - well, observe.”

Sure enough, the device doesn’t seem to be making any noise at all, but the tiger is staring at it as if it’s the most interesting thing she’s ever seen. She opens her mouth as if to roar, but instead yawns, and then she slowly lays down right there on the cement and goes to sleep, head pillowed on one paw.

“Um,” says Melinda. “So it’s like a dog whistle, but for cat lullabies?”

“Essentially, yes,” agrees the Middleman. “I’m told it plays a specially pitched version of Pachelbel’s Canon, although obviously I can’t confirm that.”

“Huh.” Melinda’s about to say more, but just then there’s a roaring noise and everyone starts screaming again as two ghostly grizzly bears charge out of the shop, and one turns and starts running towards the protesters. Including Kara.

“Leaping lesbians!” says the Middleman, alarmed.

“[BEEEEEEEP]!” growls Melinda, running at top speed and knocking Kara to the ground, out of the way of the oncoming bear.

They both get the wind knocked out of them, and it takes Melinda a moment to be able to move again. While she’s sprawled on top of Kara, Kara manages to gasp, “MM? Is that…”

Melinda groans and rolls off of of her. “Do you have a plan yet?” she calls to the Middleman, who’s frantically rifling through his jacket.

“Not presently,” he says, running after one of the bears, “but I’m thinking very hard.”

Melinda looks around quickly. Most of the people nearby have scattered, but one woman is curled into a ball nearby, as if hoping it will make her invisible. She’s muttering something, and when Melinda steps closer, she hears that it’s, “I never wanted this, I never wanted this, this is too much” over and over.

“Ma’am,” she says. “Do you know something about this?”

“I…I just wanted to curse them a little!” the woman exclaims, near-hysterical. “I didn’t know this would happen! I’m sorry!”

“It’s a curse?” Melinda asks.

“I’m a witch. I tried a little black magic, I didn’t realize…” The woman starts to cry. “I’m so sorry!”

After coaxing a little more information out of the hysterical woman, Melinda dashes over to the Middleman, who’s trying (without much success) various Middle-weapons to see if they’ll work on the bears. “It’s a black magic curse!” she says.

“Oh!” says the Middleman. “Excellent!” He pulls out what seems to be an ordinary water bottle and chants something in Latin before dashing over to the destroyed storefront and sprinkling some of the water around it. Almost immediately, the bears vanish mid-growl.

“What was that?” Melinda asks.

“The Water of Perpetual Blessing,” says the Middleman with a shrug. “Useful for any situation involving demons, black magic, or other general spiritual badness. There shouldn’t be any more issues here.” He raises his voice so everyone who’s still nearby can hear him. “Terribly sorry for all the mess today. The, ah, spectrals have been dealt with, and it should be safe now. Please feel free to return to your shopping or protesting, respectively.”

They’re about to leave when Melinda hears someone calling, “MM! Melinda!” She looks back, even though she shouldn’t.

Kara’s running after them, looking confused. “What are you doing here? What kind of temp job is this?”

“MM, we must leave,” says the Middleman urgently. “If your friend finds out about what you really do, there may be dire consequences.”

So Melinda jogs alongside him, leaving Kara calling after her.

Corridor to the illegal sublet Melinda shares with another young, photogenic artist. 5:30 P.M.

Melinda dreads going home, but Aida threatens to make her alphabetize the case archives - all the case archives - if she doesn’t “stop hanging around wasting valuable air.” Even the Middleman looks apologetically at her and says, “You have to face your anxieties sometime, MM. Especially regarding relationships.”

So now she’s walking very slowly so it’ll take a little longer to get up to her sublet. She runs into Trip in the corridor, tuning his guitar quietly as usual. “Hey, Trip,” she says, smiling. Even if she’s in the worst mood, he can always cheer her up.

“Yo, Melinda May,” he says with a lazy grin. “You know what you shouldn’t stop?”

“Believing?” she asks. Noser is sort of like the building’s musical Sphinx, offering riddles to anyone who can answer them.

“Nah. Thinking about tomorrow.”

“Ooh, got me again,” she says.

“You seem down,” he says. “Need a song?”

She shakes her head. “I’ll be alright. Just a long day, a lot happened. Thanks though.”

“My pleasure.”

She’s unsure of what to expect when she gets home. The bathroom door is closed, and when Melinda knocks there’s a long pause before Kara says, “Trying to get the dye out.”

“Want help?” Melinda asks. It’s not like they haven’t seen each other naked before. Probably more times than the average best friends/roommates pair.

There’s another long pause before Kara says, “Yeah. Come in.”

Melinda does, and Kara’s sitting in the tub with a tube of toothpaste and a bottle of rubbing alcohol and looking pissed off. “I can’t believe I did all this work and it was barely even appreciated,” she grumbles. “Sure they canceled the opening, but it was because the store got all smashed up. They’re planning on another grand opening once the repairs are done.”

“Well, you can just do this again when they reopen,” Melinda points out, sitting down on the floor and taking the toothpaste tube from Kara. “Where do you want me to start?”

“My back,” mutters Kara. “Can’t reach back there.” She winces when Melinda starts to spread the cold toothpaste across her back, but then holds still. After a moment or so of silence, she adds, “What exactly is it that you do, MM?”

Melinda sighs. “If I could tell you, I would. I don’t want to keep secrets from you.”

“So don’t!” Kara says. “I won’t say a word to anyone else. I promise.”

“Kara,” says Melinda, “I really can’t tell you. It’s not just about my job, it’s about…about the safety of the world. It has to be a secret for your own good.”

Kara shakes her head. “That sounds like [BEEP].”

“I know. Please believe that if I could tell you, I would.” Melinda concentrates on washing Kara’s back for a minute. “You’re the most important person in my life, you know that.”

“Yeah, I know.” Kara closes her eyes and leans into Melinda’s touch. “Same to you. I just…worry that maybe you’ll go off and get a real job one of these days, and be able to live in a real apartment, and leave me behind.”

“Well, don’t be an idiot,” Melinda says fondly. “Because that’s not gonna happen.”

“I mean, before this morning I was pretty sure ghost bears weren’t gonna happen either,” snarks Kara.

“Shut up.” Melinda runs her fingers through Kara’s hair fondly. “You’ll never get rid of me.”

Kara leans back and turns to kiss Melinda’s cheek, so quickly Melinda’s not quite sure if it actually happened. “I’d better not, MM.”

Melinda smiles and keeps scrubbing the dye out of Kara’s skin.