#meds and stuff and i wanted to take my cousin out. she is also driving now so she was copiloting and helping me the whole time and neither

[the-fidgety-fiddler]

Drove for the first time in 3 years today and I got tailgaited, brights-flashed, followed, and cussed at by a strange man in a stupid sports car after doing literally Nothing wrong

[katz-chow]

Coming from puff puffs blog 🤧🤥 hope you don't mind 😝🙈🙉 ur also totally gaining a new follower..

WHAT ARE YOUR HEADCANONS ON SOAP? 🥰🥰🥰 unless you've already done this before then I am so sorry 😓

relationship with soap headcanons

warnings: sfw, fluff, some angst, relationship arguments, family trauma mentioned, religious trauma, homophobia, bad dad

a/n: my fav cod man is soap so this took my top priority!!! i think about this man a lot, 09 and reboot version. reboot is my fav though, realistically, he's who i would actually get with. here’s all the things i’ve thought about him, there’s probably more tbh… OK OK HERE :))

childhood hcs

johnny soap mactavish comes from a large family of 5 siblings, he's the second oldest. it's elsie, him, blair, callum, and olivia.

growing up in a family of mainly girls got him on that respect women juice. he would always have to make sure his younger siblings are ok and aren't you know, being bullied. his parents were adamant on 2 year age gaps between them all.

his cousin, jack, was an sas operator and that was what made him want to join. they had to call security forces to arrest him out at some point because he kept sneaking in to watch them do stuff lol

elsie left for uni with her bf to live in soho when johnny was 16, the same year he would talk to recruiters around his hometown, driving hours and then getting rejected the same day due to his age

9th grade (year 10) chemistry got him obsessed with stem and its *explosive* results. he aced chemistry and then took advanced chemistry and physics just because he loved it so much

after this, as soon as he turned 18, he went to sign his papers THEN graduated school (he's just like me fr). his mom was so worried for him, especially when her sister told her about the danger that jack would get himself into. in the end, he promised he'll always call her and his siblings

his dad's an ass, hes an alcoholic, a cheater, a *bitch*... he would always take the kids to church on sundays and twisted the religion into a reason for his behavior. claiming that johnny's mom being at home was just "their culture"

she makes a killer shepherd's pie though

always had had some sort of love-hate relationship with the catholic faith. on one hand, it was nice to know there's always at least someone watching out for him, but after hearing the constant belittlement from his father, claiming he wasn't "manly enough" for not willing to give his life up in the service, he started to resent the “all merciful”.

he ended up blaming god for all his faults, letting him take accountability. this especially happened when he got diagnosed with adhd when he was 17, his dad didn’t believe in mental health. his mom was only a bit better about it, they both refused meds for him.

he's bisexual, leans towards women though. found this out after a truth or dare game in junior year (year 12) and some beers in a closet

at one point, callum acccidently let it slip at dinner when johnny had first moved out that he had met a cute guy and their dad screamed and yelled at the whole family, especially their mom, about "raising a fucking whore of a son, dragging the family down to shite"

blair called and told johnny a few days later and johnny rushed his work as quickly as possible and begged his chain of command for a few days off to go back home to his family

his family gets loud…like really loud. there’s 7 people what do you expect?

it gets especially bad when it’s sunday morning and you gotta get 7 people awake and looking their church best for an hour and a half 😔

johnny is the quickest everything there is, which has its downsides too. he could run and swim the fastest in the family, but he was also the quickest eater…meaning he’s on dish washing duty. he’s quick at that too so by the time everyone’s finished, he’s washed all the other dishes that took to make dinner

broke his arm chasing a cat through someone’s yard (he was 14)

had a goat scream and kicked him because he wanted to give it a hug

he got a part time job at a local bakery in 10th grade (year 11). the pay wasn’t much but neither was the work really. olivia, who was 9 at the time, made him promise that he’ll get her a doll to have tea with. her tea set had 4 cups but only one of her, so she must get another one to join her! he kept his promise; he ended up getting three dolls for her

he can make amazing soda bread and brioche loafs now too, still keeps a starter from the owner of the bakery to this day

he had a mountain bicycle that he would take everywhere. had room behind his seat for packages and his backpack, which he would tie down. that thing had such a loud bell too, would ring constantly to “let people know hes coming and get ready”

was terrified of selkies for some reason, always had the window closed and made callum sleep by it while he slept by the door

wasn’t much of a troublemaker, but would get into trouble with his adventurous heart.

got lost in the woods once and after a while of fake courage, he sat down and cried until elsie found him. he was 20 yards (13 meters) away from the clearing 😭😭

laugh at that guys, mf was 15

personality & relationship hcs

johnny is such a fun lover. he’s handsome yeah, but what makes ppl flaunt over him is his humor. he’s what jessica rabbit said “he makes me laugh”

such a charismatic and charming person, gets it from his dad. he could talk about just about anything, also the type to strike up a conversation with a stranger at the grocery store. then end up with their number and a date or helping them dog sit

this isn’t always a good thing though, one time before he was medicated, he would talk on and on, his story becoming incoherent due to the amount of self-interruptions he made, that a group of guys got so annoyed at that pub, they punched him.

he was young, 19, and couldn’t fight, so he didn’t win and came back to the barracks with a nasty black eye

he likes to be the big spoon, has to hold something in order to sleep

feel like he’s the type to wrap his arms around a pillow and lay on his stomach to sleep

speaking of sleeping, he HATES sleeping with socks on. he tried it one day and he just shivered at the feel of it, woke up and his socks were missing (he found them under the bed)

i also feel like he sleeps like a log, unmoving once he finds his comfort, i also think it's because he had to sleep in the same bed as his siblings at one point and he didn't want to wake them by moving, so he got accustomed to being a still sleeper

one time he accidentally got into a fight at a bar when a guy kept being misogynistic and was arrested and kept in jail for the whole night until one of his civilian friends bailed him out

johnny's the type to race you in the rain to the car. again, he's quick so he's always ahead of you but then he slips from the rain and ends up all wet and muddy and in the car.

his favorite thing to do is hear you laugh. he'll do anything to hear you laugh.

whenever you're sad, he'll purposely stub his toe or trip down the stairs or make you kiss his "owie" (a papercut) to get you to cheer up. like yeah it hurts like a fucking bitch but seeing you sad hurts more than a silly tumble

number one date event is city exploring and hopping. like cafe hopping, pub hopping, museum hopping, restaurant hopping, anything that makes you get up and get going with time to sit and chill at the same time.

feels like he can eat a lot, he's the type to eat your food if you end up not liking it or being too full

when he gets home from missions and the initial excitement of seeing you dies down, he also dies down and nap for hours until it's the middle of the night and he gets up to eat something.

he loves naps. feels like he needs a nap time every day if it was possible

he's a very kind lover, he's easy going so its not hard that sometimes people take advantage of this and push his buttons until he can't take it anymore

causes a huge blowup because he can have a nasty temper whenever he bottles stuff up and pushes things aside

not a physical manifestation of anger, but definitely a verbal anger, will say things he doesn't really mean just to say it and realize right after the words leave his lips that he fucked up

but he'll stake out in front of the guest bedroom in which you've locked yourself in until you come out and he gets the chance to forgive you

the type to stand in the rain and hold a sign saying sorry right outside your window, a very cheesy romcom style (gaz made him watch them)

he loves you more than anything and loves you even more than you can keep up with him and laugh at his jokes, no matter how awful they are

he wants 4 kids by the way

[sodafrog13]

random swans hcs under the cut ✌🏼

- alex and ash are identical twins and were both amab; alex found out she was trans and transitioned while they were still in high school (i think she actually just kept the name bc she liked it but even if she didn't, i'm thinking her deadname would probably also have started with an A)

- speaking of, both of them played football while they were in high school. alex was more of the star player of the two of them; ash was almost exclusively a bench warmer. their uniforms in current day consist of parts of their old football uniforms

- even though tony is their unofficial ""leader"", the whole idea for the vigilante copycat stuff was the davis'. not rlly much basis for this one admittedly but i think it makes sense, considering they're the most politically active (relatively speaking) of the fans

- and the reason why that is is that they had family who were living in san francisco when it got bombed. again, not much basis but it does make sense to me considering they're motivated enough to be picketing outside the courthouse during jacket's trial. i specifically also have a kind-of oc that's their little cousin who lives in SF; i shifted around some things to feature her in UDC, my beardjacket au fic, but she's existed in my mind even before writing that chapter and i'd like to flesh her out more one day

- i think they're both bi (w pref for the opposite gender) and that ash is ace. that's just on me :-)

- they make fun of each other for being gay All The Time. wlw/mlm hostility.

- ash moved out at some point and lives with his (boy)friend, jack. he still frequents the house somewhat often to hang out with alex, since they're so close, but he very rarely sleeps there anymore

- alex is a little touchy about the whole thing, but she gets it. she just wasn't ever thinking about the possibility of either of them moving out since they've basically been together they're whole lives so she's just been moody about it ever since ash brought it up to her. she's a lot better abt it now, though

- ash is a lot more organized than alex is. he was the only reason the house was ever clean; since he's left, alex really only cleans up if things are getting Direly trashy

- alex LOVES horror movies. ash thinks they're ok. they watch a bunch of them together and alex spends a lot of pocket money on VHS tapes of her favorites

- ash is more of a video game guy. they had a console in the house but he took it when he moved out; alex really only ever used it if ash was playing something multiplayer anyways so she didn't consider it a huge loss

- that said, they both love listening to music. they had a bit of an argument over who was taking what when ash moved out (since their collection was joint owned) and alex ended up keeping the records while ash took the cassettes since ash is the one who actually has a car

- both of them can drive but alex honestly doesn't need a car; she'd take the bus to work most days anyways since ash started his day earlier than she did and would be out the door before she even woke up

- the both have insomnia but alex's is decidedly worse. for some reason, the meds that ash uses don't rlly work on her so she ends up staying up and waking up late. she falls asleep at her job often

- alex works a boring office job. she tolerates it; it's relatively easy and pays fine and she learned some basic computer knowledge from ash so she's basically set on being there for however long she can.

- she also does music on the side, specifically electronic stuff. not ever a thing she'd consider for a job but one of her favorite past times is smoking and jamming out on her synth. ash partakes in these jam sessions sometimes; part of me wants to say he plays a little electric guitar (and that he'd probably love guitar hero)

- ash works in IT. his computer knowledge is almost entirely self taught (esp considering he and alex's would be college years were spent serving in hawai'i) but he's damn good at what he does so it was pretty easy for him to get hired

- their relationship with their folks is... fraught. the whole reason they joined the army was to get away from them, particularly because their mom had always been rather nasty to alex because she favored ash and ash was always really annoyed by that. they thought is was the best years of their lives thus far. ever since coming back home to pick up their stuff when they got back from deployment, they cut contact with them (but not the rest of their family. that said, they refuse to go to any family functions if they kno their parents are gonna be there)

- alex is pretty butch and dislikes wearing fem clothing. ash is honestly kind of more wishy washy about the whole thing; he'd be open to wearing slightly more fem stuff like skirts if he wasn't so put off by the idea of being judged for doing so. most ""fem"" he'll get is painting his nails black every so often

- idk something in my heart just tells me they'd like karaoke. they'd both belt that shit out, no holds barred (but also fans karaoke night just sounds like such a fun idea. just all of them getting wasted and singing silly shit)

- they're just each other's #besties y'k? swans stick together their whole lives and all

[sheinthatfandom]

I am so stressed and am just rambling about any and everything under the cut.

Sent in the letter of intent for homeschooling. Still going back and forth over the ihip if I should use the one from the HSLDA site or just do my own. Also still trying to plan out everything for the coming school year. I really think we’re probably going to move. I think being closer to hubby’s cousins will be better for us but I’m also scared of moving cause like what if we move and the new place just falls apart? What if we get another storm like sandy and everything ends up underwater? At least up here where we are now we know the houses history we know we can withstand a storm like that and also we’re far enough away from the shoreline it’s not so bad. But also beanies birthday is next week and I’m already feeling like I’m gonna be letting her down. All this kid wants is to go to a hotel. And yes Disney world but also she wants to be in a hotel like…. We planned for a zoo trip. The cousin has a pass we can use there’s a chance Beanie could actually get close to the giraffes which is her favorite animal depending on where they’re walking that day she might be able to get close without binoculars. We’re trying for passports and the women at the post office freaked me out so bad I had to call @noodilyhooligan cause I do not want to give away my id and send it anywhere and they said not a copy but even she was like no it’s a copy like that shit makes no sense to take my drivers license and not let me drive back home like what. Oh and tomorrow is the birthday of beanies best friend and they’re having a party but beanie is the only one invited so we had to rush to find and buy some gifts today and it’s not much which instantly made me feel bad. But also I think that’s part of how I was raised to that you need to gift a lot to show love and affection or else you’re a a failure and everyone will talk badly about you. And I still need to sit down with hubby and figure out if we’re going to do the other towns library events cause the one here in our town are only have 2 days that beanie can join in cause the kids librarian they had retired and they aren’t really doing much this summer for her age group. And those things we need to sign up in person so we gotta discuss which ones we want to do and when we are gonna drive over to sign up for it. I also need to go through all out clothes cause my only dark shirts are wrestling shirts that says shit like scissor me daddy ass and blood is beautiful so can’t have that for a passport photo. And beanies godfather was supposed to be having surgery today and thanks to the office ducking up he will now have it next month and he’s in pain. Poor guy my heart goes out to him and we wanted to do something for him but like what? And he’s the one whose helping us with the Disney trip cause we’ve never been don’t know shit about it hell we’ve never even been to Florida so like not sure if that’s happening at all now cause he was gonna take a trip with his family first and then go down with us after. I also need to look up record keeping books. I know I need an attendance sheet for beanie but the nys website is fucking hot garbage when it comes to showing an easy to follow step by step homeschool guidelines or requirements. Like one paragraph even states like oh this blank thing needs to be done by like august 1 1988 and can not be sent any later like…. Why is this even here? I also need to look up a book series beanie and I can read together. We have our fun books we read, she has books she reads to us or to herself but I was thinking like something we can read together as like school work but not sure what. She’s far too young for the classic stuff so I was thinking I gotta look that up. And god that’s not even getting into the things I still haven’t even started doing for me, my business or things hubby needed me to do. Hubby says I should look into getting back on anxiety meds but honestly the ones I was on didn’t do shit to help. I think just venting now and then helps me more and let’s my rambling jumbling messy thoughts sort themselves out better.

At least I was approved for the teachers discount thing so that helps a lot. Even if we don’t move right now the cousin is a former public school teacher now homeschooling so I have someone I can talk to and ask general advice of since both states are vastly different in how they treat homeschooling families. And they don’t live unbelievably far like if we wanted to we could probably do something multiple times a month like a sorta co teaching thing since both kids are in the same grade. And we did make the appt already for the passport so it’s happening I can just go to staples and make copies of everything and keep it in my own folder. If they want it I’ll have it and if they don’t or wanna make their own copy than they can do that. The kid probably won’t even care what we gift her honestly if beanies the only one invited it probably means way more to her to just play with my kid and hug her for an hr or two like they usually do. I’m probably just over thinking everything like normal. If I have to I can also just turn my shirt inside out if I can’t find a dark color t shirt at Walmart. Hubby’s disability stuff is his to deal with and he has his lawyers and he’s got that handled. That’s not a problem I need to be borrowing and worrying about. I gotta trust him and his team to fight with nys and get approved. We can just call her god father and just ask him if he needs or wants anything. If he’s up for visitors maybe we can go down and visit him maybe bring him our heater and see if that helps the pain if he puts heat on it. Okay yeah that some plans. Okay I feel better lol

[kindlyfunkn]

in other news though this past month or so has been maybe the worst of my life, was already feeling down about everything but now my cars fucked up again. power steering pump is shot, terrified me driving to the garage the other day (for just an inspection, an inspection no repairs, so i can get my car re-registered. ffs.) bc it started blowing smoke out of the hood and the wheel suddenly locked up.

couldnt get a hold of anyone but idk none of my friends either have cars or are free during school/work hours this was maybe around 11. my first instinct was to call my mom but she was unavailable, shes been travelling bc of my cousins wedding in alberta and mightve still been on a plane maybe idk. but she would've probably called my dad anyway bc hes the one who could actually help me, i called him right after my mom didnt pick up.

he lives 2 hours away though, i was within walking distance to my house so i just called to ask what i should do. the switch in his voice from neutral to worried was funny, especially bc ive been giving him sort of the silent treatment since we got in a petty fight. he contemplated if he could come out to town to have a look but remembered his friend craig and told me to stay where i was to. his friend is someone ive met before and had look at my car before too, and he lives out in town.

so craig was really nice, got some power steering fluid for me, drove my car for me (bc he's used to driving junk) to the garage and spoke to the mechanic for me, vehemently denied my attempts to pay for the fluid and cab fees. he told me its really funny how similar i am to my dad when we need help. he said that he told me: "you're shy like him, you stutter like him, you're nervous like him... uh no offense."

anyway so the garage wasnt able to do anything for my car bc if they didnt have the parts to fix my steering then they couldnt complete the inspection, but he didnt charge me anything so that was cool.

gotta make another appointment at a different garage.

also, speaking to my mom last night i told her how awful thingsve been. headache almost every day, i cant sleep (other night only got to sleep after 7 am, then the next night only got 3 hours, as example), how when i got up i just started crying full waterworks and i wasnt even thinking about anything. didnt tell her how i keep wanting to get drunk at night bc my thoughts just run rampant, done it a few times now. the headaches come with or without a hangover though, i grind my teeth at night. my guard was missing for a while but recently ive found it i just havent been wearing it though i should.

i didnt mean to unload anything on her just give her an update how ive been feeling bc i havent had anyone to talk to really. dont really like to vent really seriously to my (twin) sister, and my older sister (whom i live with) doesnt ever really seem to care—i feel like i cant really be upset when im around her bc she always has something happening at work or whatever. plus she keeps saying things that make me feel worse or more worried and she doesnt realize how awful ive been feeling, a few times when expressing that my head or back hurts she offers nothing except "do you want to try my meds?" NO i dont want your prescription meds!! i did take one of her migraine meds once bc they wouldnt work for her so the last pill in the bottle she offered to me and i remarked that it worked a charm, but the new meds she has now are different and strong enough that apparently they are sometimes given post surgery. sure ibuprofen/naproxen and tylenol dont work more than half the time for me but im not going right into strong meds when im taking other things. my sister doesnt take any meds other than the migraine stuff, i do take meds, i dont want any interactions.

but anyway i got sidetracked, i'll tag with the sister vent tag too. anyway i kept what i said to my mom short and simple, didnt think much of it bc sure ive been stressed out and demotivated (what else is new) and just needed to get off my chest. hate complaining to my friends i feel i do it too much. mom gave me support words of encouragement stuff like that, but told me she'll look into therapy options for me if i want since im still under her and my step moms insurance while im a student (which i technically am, exams and classes are done but still need a workterm and we're only considered fully graduates until we complete a workterm). baffled me. i used to see a counsellor (not by choice to start and i got put in dbt which sucked but i could cancel so i did bc it wasnt going anywhere. dbt mightve helped but it was on a webcam and i leaned out of frame to grab my pencil once which dropped to the floor and i was scolded so i thought this sucks im dropping this lol) but it never did much for me, but i didnt expect my mom to bring up therapy outright. we dont really do/see stuff like that in our family.

but yknow a therapist may help me right now bc everythings going south and im not that smart with adult things yet so much that i think its detrimental, so i think i said yes. if it turns out i dont need it then i can just drop it, but i think somebody unbiased who knows how things work would be able to help me a lot. its just for figuring my life out.

woof this js a huge post. did not mean to write so much and meant to keep this simple and to the point, but yknow im incapable of being concise its a curse. wasnt even gonna talk about my car initially but just started rambling. anyway thats my shitty life update

[rhubarb4745]

i want to write an essay about being on psychiatric medication & the havoc it wreaked on my body rly bad but idk where to start or how to frame it. rly it was just so fucked up. i went on celexa when i was ten and had rly bad side effects. when i went to the psych ward when i was twelve they put me on lexapro and i was back in a week. then i ended up on antipsychotics even tho i wasn't manic/psychotic at all -- later i asked my mom why & she said it was bc i was operating in a way that was 'like you weren't living in reality' referring to my irrational responses to sexual abuse -- which, duh! when i was in 8th grade i was in a dissociative fugue state for more than a year. i was so outside my body it was terrifying. i felt like i was on drugs all the time. my mood stabilizers made me start lactating -- i was fourteen!!! i would soak thru my bras and tank tops. all my shit was stained. a few weeks ago i was texting w my best friend from that time & she reminded me about how during sleepovers i would convulse in my sleep. she often thought i was having seizures but it was just my meds. i would also do it while i was falling asleep. i had horrible restless leg syndrome, i remember this one night a boy i was sleeping on the couch with at my cousin's house almost called 911 because he thought i was dying. i was sick all the time; sometimes i would forget doses and puke or i would take them at the wrong time and puke or i wouldn't eat beforehand and i would puke or i would eat too much beforehand and i would puke. i forget exactly what i was on when i was 15-16 or so but as soon as i took them i would have to lay down or i would puke. i couldn't even sit up for ten minutes. i was never happy. they barely worked. i was on such high doses. when i stopped taking trazodone in high school my mom was also on it. i was taking double her dose every night and still couldn't sleep. i went off of everything when i was seventeen after i hyperventilated in my psychiatrist's office about how nothing had ever worked. we titrated off of everything really carefully and slowly. i had the WORST side effects. even the stuff he said would have no side effects for most people going off them absolutely tore my body up. i was in hell for months. when i came out the other side of the withdrawals i was happier than i had been in years. when we were driving i told my dad i could see the sunset again

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

I have my psych appointment tomorrow. Still not sure if I want to ask for anti depressants.

I haven’t felt this low in a while. Its def a mix between not having taken my anxiety meds and situational depression. The loneliness is really getting to me.

I haven’t matched with anyone on bumble in a while and the ones I was talking to all ghosted. I have little positive to say to my friends anymore so we also haven’t been talking much.

I have little positive to say here either. Or in this post.

Since M’s grandmother came to the states, i see less of him. The entire family unit relies on him. We were supposed to go shopping for apartment stuff tonight after he dropped her off midway to the aunts house. I was gonna go along on the ride because I didn’t wanna be home alone again for the umpteenth time in a row but she apparently got a flat tire and can’t meet him halfway.

So he’s now expected to drive her the full almost 2 hour (one way) drive because no one can watch her this week. And If he puts his foot down and says no, then I’ll REALLY be alone cause the responsibility of watching her will fall back on him.

I asked why couldn’t any of the cousins get her? They don’t drive and one is married. She’s married and her husband has a car, but they don’t dare disrupt them. So it’ll be M’s responsibility like always.

And not be a selfish bitch, but like, do they just forget he has a life too, that he’s almost married as well? That I get to see him maybe two hours a day? But by all means, don’t disrupt anyone else’s life.

I know he’s sick of it too. He’s worn out and gets zero time to himself. His days off are taken over by his family.

And I’m the opposite. Too much time by myself. I can’t find enough things to fill the space. So I just cry all the time now. I’m not eating much anymore. Still not losing weight despite not eating. It’s too damn hot to go outside and at least walk. He has my car when he’s helping out with his grandmom so I can’t go anywhere. Friends are busy and can’t do phone calls. My mom and I have nothing to say to each other even when I try to call. I don’t know what happened to my friend who lives in Florida and would actually make the drive here. And the other won’t make the drive and I haven’t been up to making the drive either lately.

I don’t know how to find a solution for this. Any boundary that could possibly be set literally just backfires onto him. No one wants to step up to help out. His mom watches her in the evenings (she was finally able to book a trip away because his aunt was taking her this week). The cousins helped for like 2 weeks and then stopped helping. The aunt leaves midway through her “shift” when M is off and then she’s alone for hours until either M comes over or his mom gets off work.

There’s been too many scares with his grandmom to leave her alone at this point. So I can’t even tell him to just leave her because what if she got hurt?

—-

This apartment feels a little better at least in the sense that there’s separation from my office. I don’t feel like I am always in my office anymore. The downstairs is huge, the bedroom is huge, and my office door is closed when I’m not working.

I’m just bummed because M and I were going out after we dropped his grandmom off and now I will just be here by myself instead. He should be home around 930/10. My friend said she’ll try to FaceTime me around 9.

—

Also adding that my car cannot fit three people. So even the times I’m off and would like to be with him and his grandmother, I cannot fit in my tiny “backseat”. Like I’d do the drive with them today but that’s over 3 hours. And I’m not trading my car In because they can’t get their ish together. He already traded his car in for a motorcycle to help out for other reasons and that was already a ridiculous thing to do. 🙄

[quirklessidiot]

Title: filthy rich [3/3]  Pairing: millionaire!sakusa kiyoomi x y/n [filthy capitalist au] Genre: mystery, major angst ahead, thriller, mafia!au-ish

Synopsis: Just run, Y/N. Don’t look back.

Warnings: dark and yandere themes, toxic relationships, mentions of violence, shady business, class differences, mentions of rape, smoll breeding kink, unwanted pregnancy, mentions of abortion, and sakusa being a manipulative bastard 

Notes: 

Im disappering again for a week or two so as a parting gift, here ya go, im starting a bokuto fanfic soon and posting the reboot of notice me soon too hnnng thanks for the wait guys uwu

A sorta realistic take on a yandere is harder than it looks kssjdn omg anyways here yall go the long awaited last chapter of filthy rich. I’m not sure if I should put like a one shot sequel but so far im marking this series completed. Thanks for sticking by!

previous || series masterlist || blood son [sequel;one shot]

You run your hands through your hair and shut your eyes tight, the quietness and stillness of your shared apartment was something to bask on before you put on a fake mask of happiness. It had been exactly two months since you found out about the birth control switch and the medaide agenda. 

In the span of those two months, you had grown more observant towards your boyfriend’s actions and you knew that it wouldn’t be anytime soon until he actually notices that you were onto him. 

You let out a shaky breath as you recollected some weird things you’ve seem to have noticed, how his brows would furrow when he’d receive a call indicating that something was up and it was serious or how you visited your ex-boss one time a week or so ago along with Kenjiro since you wanted to see how he was doing.

“...Well, he just didn’t come home and sold the place. Apparently he was in a rush to move or something because of family matters so I didn’t exactly see him.” the neighbor gossiped to you two.

“Y/N?”

You jump on your spot as you hear that dreadfully familiar voice.

“Hey,” You greet, walking up to him, you decide to do your usual hug but stop when you notice a small red stain on his necktie, the tie is dark blue and although it wasn’t obvious from afar, it definitely was up close. Your brows are furrowed together, this time in pure curiosity, “Did you get hurt? It’s unlike you to get messy.”

You notice the quick shift of attitude in his eyes, you were seemingly getting good at observing his emotions these days and it looked like he panicked for a second there.

Odd.

“A friend of mine had gotten hurt a while ago, you remember Atsumu Miya?”

A vivid image of a blonde man crossed your mind, he was another conglomerate friend of your boyfriend, another person to be weary of to add to the list, “Oh, is he alright?” you asked, trying to keep it casual as you untie his tie for him as usual.

“Yes. He’s awfully clumsy. You don’t need to worry.”

“Oh…” You mumbled, “by the way, I visited my ex-chief.”

“Ex-chief?”

“Mhm.” you hummed, “You know, my boss from before? Me and a few co-workers decided to visit him since he was a really good boss. Turns out he just left without telling anyone, poor man.”

“Sounds unpleasant. Did you know why he quit?”

“No.” You shrugged as you take the tie out and place it on the side, “He suddenly just quit his job and moved, neighbors said it was also because of family matters. It’s kinda weird because as far as we knew, he didn’t have a family.”

“Would you like me to look into it?”

You almost stiffen when he slithers his arms on your waist but you didn’t want to give away any suspicion, “No. I don’t want to pry. Hopefully he’s enjoying his retirement.” You sighed, turning towards him with a tight smile, “Now what would you like for dinner? I was thinking Mediterranean? I need to lose some weight since I’ve been feeling bloated for a while.”

He leans in for a soft kiss on your temple, “Mediterranean would be fine. Would you like anything else? We could order more.” he hummed, his lips slowly started to dangerously hover on top of yours.

“No, it’s fine.” You give him a quick peck and wiggle your way out of his arms, your stomach doesn’t feel well these days. Whenever you were near Sakusa you had the urge to throw up your innards despite having an empty stomach.

You don’t notice the dangerous gaze on your behind as you pick up the phone for your take-out.

Sakusa hasn’t felt you in a long time and it’s driving him insane, he wants to feel your heat, your body, and everything in between. He wants to fill you up and see you pregnant with his children. He wants everyone in the world to know you were his and his only.

Yet he can’t do that.

You’ve ignored his affections these past few weeks and it had been driving him insane to the point where he had to ask one of his men to put an eye on you to see if you had been cheating on him or seeing someone else.

Yet you hadn’t.

Your routine was the same old one and Sakusa is digging his nails deeply into his skin in his office one day with his tie uncharacteristically untied. Miya Atsumu sits across him, taking a sip from his flask, “Ya look like shit.” the blonde points out.

“Fuck off, Miya.”

“Heard from your cousin that you’re not getting laid by your girl these days.”

“You better be thankful that you’ve got men behind you or I’d be shooting your fucking brains out for saying that.” Sakusa spats, his dark gaze pointedly looking at the blonde across him.

“You should just find someone else then and not yer prude of a-”

“Keep telling me ideas like that and maybe I might just shoot you and chop your body up until it looks fuckin’ unrecognizable.”

Atsumu raises his hands up, signaling that he was giving up, “Gee, omi-omi. I was just giving my advise. It’s so easy to drop her.”

“I don’t want to drop what’s mine.”

“You’ve got issues.” He chuckles, “Haven’t you been switching out her pills and fucking her raw for the last couple of months? I bet yer ass you got her pregnant on that before but ya just don’t know it. Getting her pregnant would definitely secure her spot in her life. Woman’s nuthin’ without ya.”

“She’s...she’s not showing…”

“When was the last time ya two went at it?”

“Two months ago.”

“Ya poor boy.” Atsumu sighs, shaking his head, “Ya sure you don’t want to take a break from being a loyal boyfriend for one night? i bet Y/N wouldn’t notice.”

“And no one would notice if you fucking disappeared. I’ll make sure of it, now get out.”

You may not have been the sharpest tool on the shed but you know that someone’s been tailing you these past few days, you’re not stupid. You could only come to the conclusion that it was Sakusa who was doing such things but you couldn’t get why.

Something just didn’t make sense. It felt like you were missing an important piece in the puzzle, med-aide and the switch of your pills and now a hidden tail?

You furrow your brows together in deep thought  as you sat down next to a teenage boy on his phone, you decided to take the bus today to the grocery store, surprisingly the one tailing you wasn’t around today.

Your eyes slowly shift towards the boy’s phone, it seemed like he was playing a video game.

An otome game, to be exact.

You felt your lips twitch up, you remembered those games a lot growing up. The graphics seem to have massively improved now by the looks of it, “...That looks interesting.” You tell the teenage boy who turns to you in surprise.

“Oh, thanks.” the blonde replied quietly.

“Is that a new otome game?”

“Kind of.” He blinks, his gaze returning back to the screen,  “It’s sort of a remake of the yandere simulator from back then.”

You feel your shoulders tense up.

“A yandere?”

“Yeah.” The blonde nods, “The girl’s awfully creepy in the game, she stalks him, does things to get him. The player has to catch her in the act and evade her at the same time.”

“Oh…” You blink, “I-uh, this is weird… but what’s a yandere again?’

“It’s someone obsessively in love with you. They’ll do anything to have you stay by them.” He says, pushing on a button but suddenly the screen turns red and you feel shivers run down your spine as you hear him curse and the words ‘you’re caught’ appear on the screen.

“W-what happened to your character?”

“He died. Nothing much.” he mumbles, “If the Yandere knows they can’t have you, they’ll kill you.”

You immediately went pale as soon as you heard that. Maybe, just maybe you were being paranoid. He wouldn’t go to that extent, would he?

“How did your character escape the yandere in the game?” 

“Well, I haven’t finished the game yet but based on some anime’s and manga’s I've usually read. They either killed to get away or they moved so far away where they wouldn’t be seen so I think the creator might have the same ending.” The blonde said, he slowly looked to your side, “You’re looking awfully pale, ma’am. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, j-just remembered a horrible game I played back when I was your age.” You gulped in, “Nightmares, you know? The yandere tried to get my character pregnant and tried to get in her way of moving out of the country.”

“Sounds like a very realistic one.”  He mumbles, “What did your character do?”

“I wasn’t able to finish it.” you whispered, loud enough for him to only hear, “I couldn’t really find a way out.”

“The developers of the game must’ve made it hard for you. Maybe your character should’ve ran away,” he advised, “Or better yet, you should’ve killed him.”

“I-well, I don't think there were options like that.”

“Well if I were you and there was no option for killing, I’d run. Far, far away. Change my identity and all that.” he exits the game and stuffs the phone back in his pocket, you get a good look of his cat-like eyes and immediately feel a shiver on your spine with the next words he say, “I mean its a game but you wouldn’t wanna loose and get your character killed, right?”

“R-right.”

The teenage boy hops down without even saying goodbye and you have a scary realization that you can’t break it off like you originally had planned. You needed to run, run far as you can and get lost.

The words that the teenage boy says echoes in your head for the next few days, from that point on, realization dawns upon you that, nothing is certain now. You couldn’t trust anyone, you couldn’t let friends and family be involved in this. Sakusa Kiyoomi is a powerful man so you needed to be careful with how you were going to disappear.

You continue to act nonchalant and the same as you try to lay out your plan but you knew that you had only a week or so to complete this for it to successfully work.

Sakusa Kiyoomi wonders what he should do to save the relationship, he’s tried everything in the book that he could think of but you remained the same. Was this the end of the relationship? For real?

He could never stomach the idea of having you leave him.

It’s eerie that day, something felt different when he came home to an empty apartment. It looked the same yet something felt very, very different. Apparently the apartment guards said you were here since your car hadn’t left the driveway and they hadn’t seen you go out.

He checks out your side of the closet, your clothes remain there untouched and your toiletries were there too. He scans the fridge for your notes but nothing is stuck there. He suddenly feels like something cold was dumped on him.

It couldn’t be, right?

Right?

He runs to every room, checking every nook and cranny and when he finally reaches the last room which was the bathroom, nothing is there.

Everything was in its place except you.

Where were you?

Your bank account remains untouched, your wallet and phone was left in the apartment. It was as if you were returning home, the very least. Komori tells him to calm down, saying that they’re letting the best people find you around the city, they don’t rule out that someone might’ve had the audacity to touch you.

Whoever took you would be given hell to pay, that’s for sure. Was it the triad? Kkangpae’s? Or opposing yakuza’s? Oh, they’ll definitely have their heads on the platter if they tried to harm a single hair on your head.

Sakusa doesn’t even hesitate to notify the police about you already despite the memorandum that twenty-four hours is needed to consider a person missing, it's nothing a little money can fix.

“I hope we find her soon.” Your aunt sighed, “I’ve notified her parents about it. It’s definitely weird that she’d leave all her valuables behind.”

Hinata and Natsu sit there next to their mom, completely sad and worried, “I’ve hired the best people for it already, obaasan. We’ll find Y/N.” Sakusa replies yet his thoughts are in a complete frenzy now.

And find you they did.

No stone was left unturned. He made sure of it. Yet after a month of relentless searching. Nothing came up, it seemed like you had just vanished and Sakusa Kiyoomi had turned the whole underground world upside down for you but nothing came up.

Some say that you disappeared and ran away but that was immediately ruled out, no security cameras saw you in and out during that day and it would be impossible for you to just leave without security cameras on you. The guard had exclaimed that despite the blackout that day, the generators only took a few minutes to power up so they’d definitely catch you on camera in case you ever exited the building (along with the guards since they knew exactly what you looked liked) plus the clothes and such were still there, left untouched.

Some said you died, it was definitely impossible for you to just vanish without a single trace after all since everyone was looking for you.

Yet no one dared to say it in front of the boss, not if they valued their life.

The billionaire had dried out his connections to find you. What good was it to be the most powerful and richest man in the country if he couldn’t find you? Life had no meaning now, you were gone. It felt like a part of him was ceasing to function.

Sakusa Kiyoomi was a dead man walking now.

Unknown to the whole world, you’re in a small town with little to no signal. Your hair is chopped unevenly and your skin is darker from the repeated exposure under the sun, your life is simple and mundane now yet you’re happy.

For the first time in months, you actually felt free.

You shut your eyes tight, the events that transpired this past few months replayed  in your head. Your escape was definitely done as carefully as you can and you didn’t even know if you’d succeed since you weren’t a master in that sort of thing.

You recalled that it was a week before you ran away, a few days after you met that kid in the bus. Someone from the electric company had come to inform you that there was a scheduled black out in the city that day during the afternoon and you felt something bubble up in you. That was the day you’d put your plan into motion.

You knew that the longer you delayed your plan, the harder it would be to escape.

You had a few minutes to actually put your plan to work. The camera’s on the hallways would cease to function for a few minutes according to the guard downstairs as he did a protocol on the building (apparently the generators were quick). So that morning after Sakusa left, you placed only a few clothes and the stash of money you had been carefully hiding in a garbage bag and chopped your hair short in an uneven manner. Burning all the remaining hair on the fireplace and the black hair color that you use with it. The maid uniform that you stole on your floor and a fake name plate that you made was on and you were good to go.

The minute the black out started, you took the garbage bag and walked out. Taking the stairway used by the caretakers, you made sure to just look down and never directly up at the camera’s pretending to work.

When you finally made it out of your building. You let out a stiff sigh and put down the bag, it was only the beginning. If you thought the same way as Sakusa Kiyoomi, you could only imagine that you needed to be more careful from this point on.

You take the newly bought duffel bag that you strategically hid behind some boxes. Thankfully when you had placed it yesterday afternoon, it hadn’t been touched. 

You put on a pair of shorts and a baggy shirt with cheap shades and stuffed the maid uniform in the duffel bag along with your belongings in the garbage bag. You take the other route that led to the busy streets. It was easy to look like a tourist and seemingly blend in the crowd, from that point on, you only had one destination in mind.

When you were younger, you vividly remember an acquaintance telling you about this small town outside of Tokyo where her grandparents were from. It was only an hour away via plane and when you went down another few hours via bus yet if you took the bus route all in all, it would take a few days.

Since it was far, only a few busses actually went there and since you had to leave within the day, you decided to just take the bus nearest to that town and take another bus when you arrived there.

The plan smooth-sailed from that point on.

Except for one minor detail.

You open your eyes and look down at your now small bump. The monster who almost had you trapped left a parting gift, you grip your garden hoe tightly.

A big part of you wanted to kill it.

Yet every time you try to, you hesitate.

The moment you arrived here, you had to pretend to be a weary and poor widow. You just didn’t expect to be a weary and poor expecting widow. You let out an uncharted sigh at the thought, it was hard enough to be alone here with little to no money. 

This child had the demon’s blood in it.

Yes, you may have gone free from his cage but in truth with his seed growing in your stomach day by day, you started to feel quite the opposite.

taglist [thanks for your support ilyasm skkss im so sorry for updating late too :(]

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@kn0xiousnight  

[can’t tag you guys uwu just make sure ur tags are open :<]

[joontier]

Parallel Palpitations | V1; report i

pairings: dr. park jimin x female reader 

chapter rating: NC-17 | genre: romance, slice of life, humor

warnings: none to note

word count: 2k

g/n: this is just an intro basically ksjdfksjdf but i’d also like to inform yalls this coincides with the Subliminal in Scrubs universe (jk’s installment of TWA) 

Parallel Palpitations (the records) |  navi. | m.list

Closing his locker with his foot, Jimin tries to carefully balance his books placed precariously on top of each other in his arms as he walks back to the dean’s office where he’s also arranging most of his stuff to take home. It’s already been a week since he’d officially graduated medicine from Busan National University, and he had only kept going back to school to gather all his belongings so he could start reviewing. 

“Jimin, is that you?” The question almost knocks clumsy Jimin off his feet, surprised at how there was still any other person in the office besides  Kyungjo who was also collecting his stuff to take home. Jimin sets all of his books down first on a desk and turns, only to come face to face with none other than Jeon Jungmin himself, associate professor and chairman of the Jeon Medical Center. 

“Professor Jeon! Good evening Sir...It’s already late, professor?” 

Jeon Jungmin laughs, patting Jimin on the back, “I was going to say the same to you kid. You should go home.” Jimin flashes the older man a small smile, “Ah...yes, Professor. I’m just grabbing the last of my stuff then I’ll be on my way. This won’t take long.” 

“It’s fine, Jimin. The staff know you well anyways,” Jungmin sighs, then rests his weight on a pillar as he puts his hands in his pockets. “You know, Jimin...you’re a very bright student...I think even one of the best in Korea if I do say so myself.” 

The young man momentarily pauses with what he’s doing, taking in the professor’s words, “Oh, I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration, Sir.” 

Jungmin chuckles as he shakes his head. “It’s true - you’re driven and you’re smart. It’s a fixed formula for someone who achieves great success in life later on. Your parents must be very proud. I would be too, if you were my son too.” 

“Thank you, Professor. Everything I do, I do for my parents.” 

The older man lets out a deep exhale and gives Jimin another pat on the back. “Just wanted to let you know that you’re going to be a fine doctor Jimin - and the Jeon Medical Center would definitely need fine doctors like you. I realized I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I really hope you will choose JMC for your post-graduate internship. We have a good program here,” Jungmin’s voice goes down to a whisper, “If you wish to, just let me know…” 

Someone enters the office and bows to the both of them and recognizes the same man as the professor’s driver. The man collects the professor’s briefcase and coat with one nod of Jungmin. “Well, I’ll head off first, Jimin. I can give you a ride home if you’re done with those.” 

Jimin shakes his head quickly, declining the one and only Jeon Jungmin’s generous offer. He’s unsure about the other offer though, but if he lets himself get a car ride home with the chairman himself, the latter might take it as a favorable answer to his proposal to which Jimin is still undecided. “No thank you Sir. I’ll be alright. This might still take a while after all,” Jimin says with an awkward laugh, tapping the top of the stack which was rivaling Jimin’s height. 

“Alright Jimin. Get back home safely. And I...hope to see you again very soon.” 

Jimin gives him a curt nod. “Good night, Professor.” 

He continues on with his remaining tasks, wanting to finish quickly so he could finally go home and rest. “Is he gone?” Kyungjo’s voice startles Jimin, the book in his hands nearly causing the tower of books to collapse. “My god! Stop doing that!” Jimin scolds his friend as it wasn’t the first time Kyungjo’s sleuthing had given Jimin a fright. 

“Yeah, he left already. You done with your stuff?” 

“Uh-huh. All set and ready to step into the real world,” Kyungjo replies, waving his hands in the air. Jimin narrows his eyes at the other boy, judging him silently. Kyungjo has a particular inclination towards alcohol and Jimin wonders if today was one of the days where his friend indulges himself yet once again. 

“Have you heard about his actual son? What was the kid’s name again...uh…” Kyungjo snaps his fingers in mid-air as Jimin asks what was the issue with the chairman’s son, likewise reminding Kyungjo it wasn’t best to talk about it in the dean’s office. “Ah! Yes, Jeon Jungkook. Heard that their relationship got so bad that Jungkook completely cut himself off from the family once he graduated high school and went to Yonsei instead of BNU because of his daddy issues.”

Jimin, unsure how to handle and process that kind of information, simply shakes his head at Kyungjo. “It’s wrong to gossip about other people's lives like that.” When Jimin looks over at his friend, Kyungjo is no longer listening, fumbling with the remote as he turns up the volume of the office television. 

“In other news today, two thousand five hundred sixty one students of Seoul National University graduated this afternoon 25th of February, 2023. The ceremony was held at COEX Convention Center in Samsung-dong, Seoul to accommodate the number of graduates this year. With a yearly average of at least two thousand three hundred graduates, this year’s commencement ceremony records the highest number of graduates in the history of the national university. 

“Not only did they record the highest number of alumni, but this year also marks the first year to have a foreign national graduate as the school’s valedictorian.” Jimin is listening just as intently as Kyungjo now with both boys focused on the TV screen. “Jeong Yeorum, also known as Summer Jeong by her colleagues, graduates with flying colors today from Seoul National University’s College of Medicine. Here is part of her valedictory speech this afternoon.” 

A girl appears on screen and she stands behind the podium with a bright and reassuring smile on her face. “As we embark on the journey of the rest of our lives, I implore you all, to do what you love, because I believe it’s what you’ll do best. There will be countless times of trial, but keep in mind that perseverance will always prevail. Always aim for the moon, because even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. Class of 2023, good luck. And remember, graduation is only the beginning.” 

“Wow!” Kyungjo claps his hands enthusiastically as he marvels at the girl. “The twenty-six year old, who along with her  family migrated to South Korea back in 2015 when her father was reassigned to an office here in Seoul. The valedictorian says she’s not entirely foreign to Korea as her paternal grandmother is actually a native of Jeju. Jeong Yeorum then attended a co-ed high school in Mapo District, where she likewise finished her secondary education with academic distinction.” 

The reporters, equally impressed with the girl’s achievements, couldn’t help but add their own comments to the news report, “Wow...I guess some people are simply born for greatness.” 

“I agree with you there, Dongho-ssi. We might be looking at the next Bae Jeonjoo, the only woman in the group of doctors who pioneered neurosurgery in South Korea. Ms. Jeong Yeorum, if you are seeing this, we’re rooting for your promising career. Fighting!” 

As soon as the news anchors proceed to report other news, Kyungko turns off the television and mentions the time. “Well, she was pretty cute, wasn’t she? Totally my type! Maybe when we get to Seoul to review, we’ll get the chance to meet her...and make her my girlfriend!” 

Jimin rolls his eyes at Kyungjo, placing a firm grip on the shoulder, “My friend...you are either drunk, hungry, or high. Either way, you should go home. Don’t worry about me, I’ll just close up here.” 

Kyungjo shrugs his shoulders. “You’ll still go, right? To Seoul?” 

“I will. Don’t worry.” Jimin gives the other boy a reassuring nod. 

“Still half half with the rent, a’ight? I’ll be counting on you, Jiminie...and don’t let me down. Also, tell me when you’re leaving for Seoul so I know when I’m not supposed to bring hot city girls home...they have the tendency to be...loud sometimes.” 

This boy was definitely high, and whatever substance he’s taking, Jimin wants none of it. 

“That’s your cue, Kyungjo. Go home and take a cab instead.” 

“I can drive! I’m not high or drunk!” Kyungjo puts his hands up in the air in defense. “Hey, look, I can even moonwalk!” He proceeds to dance wildly as he exits the office, leaving Jimin questioning how he even became acquainted with Kyunjo in the first place. 

You barely hear the sound of your name being called on stage when the audio of Hoseok’s loud whooping completely dulls that of your professor’s. “Oppa! Nobody would be able to make out my name with your audio input!” Playfully shoving your cousin’s phone back into his hands, you continue to mumble your complaints about the poor video quality. 

Indignant with your words, Hoseok retorts, “Hey! I’m not a professional videographer, alright? What’s important is the actual moment happening and not how the moment was captured!” Hoseok hooks an arm over your neck, bringing your head to his chest as he gives you a noogie. “Oppa, my hair!!” 

Pulling yourself away from his grasp, you quickly pat your hair down but not delivering a solid smack on Hoseok’s back. As you’re fixing your hair, you weren’t able to put much thought into where you were walking, ultimately, and accidentally bumping into someone in a blue and black graduation robe similar to yours. 

Quickly, you look up, apologizing profusely at the person. “Oh! I’m so sorry- I…” “It’s okay,” the guy smiles a little, “_________, right?” You’re sure the surprise is evident in your face when he mentions your name when he barely even talked to you during the entirety of med school. “Yes! I mean...hello, Jungkook..” Clearing your throat, you quickly think of something to divert the impending awkward silence, “Well...um, congratulations to you for graduating as the batch valedictorian!” It now dawns on you that he really did graduate on top of the class, “Wow! You’re real smart!” comes your thoughts, unconsciously voicing them out. 

‘You’re real smart?’ Really? That’s the best you could’ve done? 

Jungkook chuckles, slightly taken-aback by your audible observation. “Oh yeah...um, thanks.” From behind you, you hear Hoseok clear his throat before speaking up. “Hello!” You hang your head low momentarily, already imagining Hoseok making fun of you later for this. 

“Right, Jungkook, this is my cousin, Jung Hoseok. Oppa, this is my classmate - Jeon Jungkook.” The two men shake their hands briefly before Jungkook speaks up, “Well, I’ve got to go now. Congratulations to you too Soomin. And Jung Hoseok-ssi.” 

As soon as Jungkook gets out of your sight, Hoseok nudges you with his elbow. “Please tell me that man was Jeon Jungmin’s son,” he says, shaking his head in disbelief. Nodding your head, you raise an eyebrow at him. 

“Got a crush on the dude?” Oh god. Here we go again. 

“No! Jeez.” 

“Why were you so awkward around him then?” 

“We barely talked in class. Hell, I don’t even think we were within at least fifty meters from each other.” 

“But he’s a handsome man?” 

“Maybe you’re the one that’s got a crush on him?” 

Hoseok glares at you. 

“Do you think maybe you’d know which hospital he might be interested in taking his PGI? Woocheon perhaps?” 

It’s your turn to glare at him. “I told you. This incident was only one of our very few interactions ever. I think the last time he talked to me was when he borrowed a pencil during a class and that’s it.” 

“Well...if you’d discover where, let me know. Because if he does apply for Woocheon, and we’d happen to get the girl from SNU too....” Hoseok nods his head slowly, stroking his chin “Woocheon will have the A-Team interns this year, you included.” 

You roll your eyes, resting your arm against the car door that Hoseok opens for you, “You really think that’s going to pay for you ruining my hair?” 

“No, but you’re going to thank me if Woocheon manages to snag the dream team!” 

© joontier 2021

[mistlekissy]

What happened the 3rd time u were at the hospital 😭😭

i'm glad u asked ! so, it was the day my parents moved out of their old flat. it was a saturday and i had to work from like 10-14 (i used to do the eye exams for first aid classes on weekends, didn’t know that this day would end my career there) so i woke up early to help them in the morning.

first offense: i woke up, i put on some clothes, put my phone in my back pocket, and then went to the bathroom to pee - i think u can imagine what happened next<3 anyway i put it in rice and then carried on bc it was a busy day

second offense: there was a set of stairs leading up to my parents' front door and it was ofc raining on the day we had to walk back and forth between the moving truck and the flat so that those stairs were slippery as fuck and no one had the brilliant idea to lay smth down so that no one would slip - which ofc i did<3 i was carrying a box too which was a whole mess and everyone was outside by the moving truck so i thought i was just gonna die by myself. eventually ppl found me and i was in extreme pain and scared i broke my hip or sumn, so my sister drove me to the ER (i also had to tell work that i wasn't coming in which was a whole ordeal bc i didn't have a phone so i had no one's number). got called in pretty quickly which was lucky but i got a doc who immediately went "are u from iran" when he came in el oh el like i'm dying over here and this man wants to make conversation 😭 it was also extremely awkward to get my hips checked out by him afterwards but anyway . he looked at it etc and then went "well . it could be broken but there isn't much we could do about that anyway and ur a young woman so idk if we can/want to do an x-ray in that area bc it could be harmful to ur ovaries" great<3 he said he was gonna talk to the ladies in radiology and see what they say and then they did send me in and we got x-rays done but the ladies in there did make me feel VERY worried about never being able to have children 😭 anyway turned out it's not broken but def bruised and they just gave me some pain meds

third offense: around the evening hours the move was still a whole operation and they were running out of cleaning supplies so someone had the BRILLIANT idea to make me drive to the store to get stuff bc i couldn't really help otherwise. my cousin, thank god, accompanied me but she didn't have a driver's license then so i drove which was a huge mistake bc i was hurt for one but i also just had scrambled brain. my parents lived in a cul-de-sac and u had to turn left to get on the main road but there isn't a traffic light so u just gotta to wait till ya find a break in the stream which alwaysss took ages bc it's a main road. we were sitting there for like 10 min already and i couldn't take it anymore, so i wanted to reverse and take an alternative road and ofc i didn't check if anyone's behind me before i did so bc why would i do such a logical thing<3 so i hit the car behind me and the guy was ofc furious and started yelling at me etc and i just BROKE 😭 i started sobbing like crazy, like it was really too much for me, and i was like "i'm so sorry i've had a DAY" and just started ranting and showing him my hospital wrist band that i still had on and i think i scared him bc he was like "hey listen it's actually not that bad, i think it's just my license plate that got dented, i'll take it off tomorrow and see if the car underneath it was damaged, so just give me ur number and u'll get a call from me tomorrow" which was very nice but made me sob again bc i didn't have a phone BDKJDMDDBDN my cousin gave him my sister's number and he did call the next day and told my sister there was no damage so we could just forget about it (however, the next day my sister and her husband drove to the old place for the VERY last time and she got into a huge accident while driving out of that cul-de-sac like what are the ODDS)

fourth offense which wasn't a personal offense but still adds to this day: we all managed to make it to the new place and it was around 10pm when we were finally done for the day. my dad and my cousin were outside to take the trash out or sumn and the others said their goodbyes and went ahead to open the front door to leave - but it would not budge. the keys weren't able to unlock the door and we were all stuck inside, my dad couldn't open it from the other side either so after 40 min or so of trying everything we decided to call a locksmith. he got there 1h later but could not do shit so that was useless<3 in the end we figured out that u could open the windows in the hallway outside the flat and inside the flat (they're at a 90 degree angle, idk how else to explain it BDNSNSM) and then jump over - problem is that my parents live on the first (or second depending on where u live lmao) floor so it was quite a fall if u slipped 🤪 i do not recommend this to anyone and it was very dangerous but everyone did make it to the other side alive and my dad got back inside lmao the next morning my parents' landlord came over and they had to forcefully break the door in the end and my parents didn't have a working door for a week, the end<3

[thejosh1980]

Little Wing

(Trigger warning: animal/pet death)

Today, right now, I am sat at the spot where Mijo felt his last sunrise, just 24 hours ago.

He was 28 weeks old, he spent 20 of those weeks with me, and my family. He was my family. He was thrust upon me by my wife and mum, who knew Mijo would be the kind of birthday present I'd want, but could never ask for.

When he arrived he was unexpected. Straight from the car, into my bedroom, onto my lap, what a surprise, it was love at first sight. Those eyes, that tail, that round belly, the fur, I was all in. I had to say goodbye to 4 beautiful pets whom I loved dearly when I left Germany, so then and there I made a quiet, whisper promise to Mijo;

“I'll never ever leave you”...

We began like any other Daddy and cat story, playing, eating, talking to each other. We may have made a few messes on the bed learning to potty train, but I couldn't really fault him, he was perfect. He loved cuddles, got under our feet all the time, talked to us a lot and wanted to be a part of everything happening around the house.

He meowed very loudly too. Sometimes he'd meow from the next room sounding lost and worried. That's when I started to realized something was very different about him. It took about 2 weeks, but then I realized, he was totally deaf!!!! No vacuum cleaner, loud bangs, claps, or door slams could get his attention. When he meowed loudly, it was either because he had to, to feel himself meowing in his head, or he was missing us and could smell us, but not hear us in the next room. I had never had a cat who couldn't hear me call their name, so this was going to be a challenge.

Mijo accepted that challenge...

In a short time I figured out how to clicker train him, using a torch. I love training cats. Most folks think it's impossible, but I've taught cats to fetch, sit and come on command in the past.... So, pretty soon I had him jumping up, over and across chairs and tables on cue. I also learnt a way to “call” him; assuming he could see me, if I knelt down and tapped my leg, he'd come a running. Every time. We had it all figured out.

Grab a harness and a lead, and off we go, walking around the garden. This wasn't a cat, this was a dog. He had very little fear, I mean, he couldn't even hear the birds making a racket or the car driving by or the dog barking next door. He was fixated on me.

I bought him a blow up boat, to use in the pool, to help him get used to floating on water. It was a huge boat for his little size, but he'd hop in, and I'd “treat” him while he got used to the motion. The plan was to build him up to a real boat, or canoe or SUP. I could imagine him walking on water.

He was also great with other cats, so I could take him to visit his cousin and they'd play all day (if we'd let them). He'd come with me to visit other family and then... well, then the real adventures started. Mijo and I could go to the river, the park and the beach. We also went for coffee at the busiest part in the local village, and he took it all in his stride. We took bike rides too, as he sat in a special backpack I had for him. I could hold him while skateboarding or put him on my shoulder as I walked around. He was chill, happy to see and smell his silent world.

When Alex or I came home, and he'd be in the bedroom snoozing or gazing out the window, we could come in, take off our shoes, put our stuff down, maybe run to the loo, then we could snuggle up with him, cause he hadn't heard us arrive. He would just be waiting... He'd just wait for someone to step close enough, blow on his ear, feel a vibration and then he'd meow a big BIG hello, purr and snuggle. He was a no pressure cat... But always ready for hugs and pats.

Besides being deaf, he just didn't seem like any other cat I'd had or even met...

But isn't the way it is with all pets? They're all unique.

He loved Alex. He always had a hard decision between my lap and hers, or sleeping close to one or the other. We had a son to take care of, to love and to enjoy. At the beginning, Alex wasn't sure about having a cat, she'd pretty much always been a dog person, but it didn't take long for Mijo to wrap her around his little paw. She was hooked.

We thought he was going to be grow up to become a big boy. You know, Maine Coon sized 5-6 or maybe 7 kilo. We had high hopes for a dog-like cat, big enough to take on the world. We wanted to show him the world too.

After he had his snip (desexing) in mid March, he wasn't very well, and it really traumatized all of us, we just weren't sure why he took it so badly. He was in a lot of pain, even though the operation itself was quick and really good, with no issues. He would spend the day, in his “bread loaf” position, with his nose to the ground. It was like he was conserving all his energy for when we came home or wanted his attention.

Eventually, after a few weeks he bounced back, back to being his usual self, for a while. He actually lost a lot of fur during this time, most likely due to a reaction to the antibiotics and pain killers. Where his collar and harness were, he lost all his hair. It only took a few days, a bit too quick to realize what was going on, he rarely wore the collar or harness after that. It meant we sometimes lost him in the house without his bell on to tell which room he was in, so I'd be running around turning on and off the lights to get his attention and a meow.

It was our fun game of “Mijo Polo”.

We had noticed he wasn't eating as much, and he wasn't as playful. In fact, all his toys were being ignored, and he rarely chased anything we teased him with. When we took him for playtime with his cousin, he wouldn't last as long play fighting. Something was up, we thought he'd bounce back by now.

Overall, he was a very chilled cat, having just had an operation and now with, ringworm, a tooth problem (one adult tooth was causing him problems and needed to be pulled) maybe that was why he wasn't too interested in food. Surely it wasn't bacteria, an infection or a virus in his blood.

In early May, Mijo developed ringworm, which, by the way, isn't a worm but rather a fungal infection. The vet already had us on anti fungal cream day and night. It's very unusual to get ringworm; it's all around us, but a strong immune system, actually, a decent immune system, would fight off any infection naturally. Cats generally just lick it all off their fur. Humans sometimes get it, from a scratch or a wound. It's in the soil, it's in the air.

When we got the treatment for the ringworm, we also gave him an appetite stimulant, to encourage him to eat, but it made little difference. As nothing changed, we went back to the vet a few days later, and did a hypothyroidism test; the results were borderline.

What could be going on?

At the time of his desexing operation, he was 1.7 kilos, a week later he was down to 1.5 and eventually 1.45 kilo. His body was growing a little, but his muscle and fat wasn't.

We talked to the vet and decided, even though his ringworm was infectious, the tooth had to go, sooner rather than later. It seemed logical that it was his biggest barrier to fulfilling his dietary requirements and his well being. We wanted him fattening up, growing up, and being his usual self again, ASAP. We needed to get him back on track towards good health, enough was enough.

On Monday 17th May I dropped the little guy off at the vet for the day. A check up and a tooth pull.

Before any cat gets an anesthetic, they run a simple blood test to determine if the cat is well enough. During the day we got a call that the operation couldn't happen, and that he'd have to stay in over night or longer, with meds to help him, because his red cell blood count was low. 10%. Most cats need around 40%, if there's any complication with the tooth pull, his blood may not clot.

It's official, he was very unwell.

I was at school when I got the news. I was in shock. Our little boy was that unwell? But he does eat (a little), he does walk on the lead with me, he's eating his treats... was he that unwell?

Suddenly we had to decide on some expensive tests to figure out what was wrong with him. I mean, the red blood cells were being eaten up by the white ones, but why?? We arranged the suggested tests and they kept him in over night.

I was very distraught. How can my little guy be so unwell yet behave well? With that blood count, he shouldn't be able to walk, he should be so lethargic that he can't keep his head up!! He should be in a coma.

All in all, theoretically, he should be dead.

So was it dwarfism, hypothyroidism, mycoplasma??? And and and?? Tests... Blood being taken.. Our boy in the vet over night, alone, worried, scared??? Will he make it through the night? I didn't sleep well...

On Tuesday afternoon the vet let us bring him home. His blood level was down to 9.1%. The idea was that, at least at home he'd have cuddles and love, and that might help his immune system. He was lethargic but not completely terrible. I would need to bring him in on Wednesday for another blood test, to see how he was doing.

On Wednesday, it didn't go well, Mijo had gone from 9 to 8.1% blood level. It was now becoming almost impossible to get any blood out of him. I saw how difficult it was 2 weeks earlier when he had the hypothyroid test, they had to try on both legs and his neck to get a half mil of blood! He was a champ and barely complained. But now, I couldn't imagine the pain he went through with even less blood.

He's been that sick for how long?? Why hadn't we noticed?

We were panicking.

The vet suggested we meet with a mature, more experienced doc, on Thursday. We should be able to figure something out, we had to. Each day = less blood = more chance of...

Well, I am a hopeful guy. I realize, I live on hope. I spent years hoping certain people in my life would change, or love me in a way that I feel some love. I always hope things will change for the better. I don't know why, but it's ingrained in me to feel hopelessness or hope... I think I'm never in the middle... or is that called acceptance? OK, maybe I do feel that too, eventually... But it takes a long long time...

I have videos of Mijo on Thursday 20th, he's cleaning himself in the sun, meowing and purring, happy to see me, walking around the garden with me. Full of life and adventure.

At lunch time, Mijo and I go to the vet. He is his usual cute self, always curious at the vets, and now there's a the new guy he's meeting, what an adventure.

Before he opens the cat box he said something along the lines of “Well, because his blood levels are so low, today is really about deciding if he goes to heaven or not...” I'm not sure, but I know I heard words like “heaven” and “euthanasia” early on in the consultation. Shock was setting in. I barely heard anything else he said, luckily we had Alex on the speaker phone.

Turns out, not only is our little guy deaf, he's an anomaly.

Any cat with 8.1% should be comatose. They should barely be able to walk. They certainly can't pee or poo without help and don't drink or eat much. Mijo came out of his box and sniffed around, was alert and ready to meet the new guy!!

The vet was stumped. He had never seen this before, in over 30 years...

We didn't know he was so sick, because, he was, overall, a well behaved cat. His weight he lost, sure, but he was now at least stable. He was eating, it just took a lot of creativity sometimes to spark his interest (mostly warming up meals and giving him treats).

The vet tried to explain to me, but I'm sure Alex on the phone understood it clearly, that we had very little time, well, no time. We had 3 choices that day. Go to a specialist an hour's drive away, give Mijo steroids and hope he had mycoplasma or Immune mediated hemolytic anemia (IMHA) or, lastly, euthanasia.

Wait???? What does that even mean??

The specialist would give him a blood transfusion, and some special custom drugs which should help him. The vet said it could cost in the 10s of thousands, and may help Mijo for a few weeks, but it's not a solution that we are sure would be long term or not.

Giving Mijo steroids would give him a fighting chance, or not... Basically it could cure or kill him. Because we aren't sure what is the cause of the low blood count, it could be IMHA, mycoplasma or something else, but it's a best educated guess at this rate. If it is the wrong choice, he may die quicker than expected.

Euthanasia, no explanation needed.

We decided on steroids. According to the vet, there was a 50/50 chance it would work. If the cause of the blood cells killing off each other was for or against steroids, we'd know soon enough. Still shocked I tried to understand it all. I'm so grateful Alex was on the line and knows this stuff through experience and study.

The idea of taking Mijo an hour's drive north to the specialist, to a cubicle, a place where we may not be with him 24/7, on the off chance that he wouldn't make it and die alone, we couldn't fathom that.

Mijo took the steroid injection like a champ, he always did injections well. He was given some antibiotics to also help. The vet said, that by Saturday we'll know if it was the right decision. We'd know if he would be getting better...

It was decided that on Monday 24th we'd go back in for a blood test to actually see if the steroids were working (cause apparently one can't really tell with Mijo's behavior, the cheeky monkey).

Mijo and I came home, and well, he ate, he was purring, sitting on my lap. The usual deal. When I went out to get the washing in, he tried to go out too, something we, as parents, have been very protective about. He doesn't go out alone, he doesn't go out without a lead or a bell. He's not an easy cat to find if he runs off, not that he has ever tried. He deaf, he can't hear cars or other dangers out there.

I promised him I'd take him out to that side of the house/garden that afternoon...

So we did, we went out, we sat down, he explored. He was well, good, better, best. He was my boy. He trusted me, I trusted him. I'm always amazed how well he walks by my side, like a dog, with loose leash... Taking my steps as cues when to walk, and when to stop.

We also met the neighbor's dog, which was a first, both were not really interested in each other... But still, Mijo knew there's a lot to live for...

Overnight he went great... Woke up with him on my chest relaxing waiting for me to get up and feed him, luckily I have a wife who had to get up for work at that moment. I remember she sang him a lullaby and held him like a baby. It was really sweet to see how much love they had for each other. Rock-a-bye Mijo...

We wanted to him feel as much love as we could. We felt that, if the steroids and antibiotics were doing their part, and we did ours, there's nothing he can't beat. And he sure felt the love...

I held him while doing some singing exercises, close to my chest. It was something we hadn't done before, and he purred. He'd look up and meow every time I stopped making vibrations. He felt it, I felt it, it was a connection.

We spent a lot of time, reading, relaxing and sitting on laps. Alex and I cuddled him, told him we loved him. He was really fighting. He was eating. He was a little more playful than in recent weeks. He wanted to live. We could feel it...

He went from eating half a packet to 1.5 packets a day, plus dry food. He always wanted treats, and I was always glad to oblige.

By Saturday he was wonder cat! Kneading... Purring... Chasing toys... Eager to hang out...

We'd overcome the problem! He was getting better. There's fight, love and life left in him. He was amazing. If it hadn't been for his ringworm (which was also healing very very well) I'd say he was perfect, especially once he put on another few grams...

We had 4 awesome days, loads of energy and love. He was never alone in the house, and rarely alone in a room. We wanted him to know, to feel, that we loved him so deeply and that all we want was him in our life, for adventures and cuddles.

On Monday morning, his appetite went down... He didn't really eat much...

We all left for the day, work and school. I think we were all worried, but he'd been so good and improved so so much, that we were sure he'd be fine. We have the blood test booked for the afternoon, I'm sure he'll pep up by then. The injection could be wearing off too...

Mijo and I went in to the vet, and his test came back at 14%!!! Damn, that's 6 points!! The vet expected 3 to be a big improvement. In fact, if he had 3 or less, euthanasia may have been the only option... Happy days! He was well. He's going to live! He'll be fine.

We're not out of the woods yet, but we are in the right direction.

All that love we lavished on him, not just in the past days, but the past 4 months. The adventures, the friends he'd made (both human and animal) the smells and sights he'd seen, the vibrations he felt, it was all coming together... He was a fighter with a lot of love to give...

We were over joyed. Really, I couldn't have been happier when I got the results. I gave a “whoop” and threw my fist in the air (I've never done that before in my life!).

We changed to tablet form steroids, as they'll be better long term, keep up the antibiotics and off we go...

But we all know, that often people and animals, when they know they are dying, they give it one last shot. And that was it... We didn't realize until Wednesday, that he wasn't actually going to get better...

Mijo stopped grooming himself, he slowly ate less and less... He became more and more lethargic, he started to sit in the “bread loaf” position with his nose on the ground, as he did after the snip, resting. We thought it was the change in steroids, and as I was at school and the girls at work, we just kept thinking he'd pep up eventually.

When I left for school Wednesday morning, he was alert, but lethargic. When I came home early to check on him, he had really changed again.

His belly was a little bloated, but he had hardly eaten. He had trouble walking, it seemed like it was a mix of muscle degradation/pain and confusion. His meowing changed to a high pitch cry, similar to that of a young kitten. He also stopped eating, he wouldn't even touch any of his tasty treats. He searched for any bit of sun to stand in, but he was looking so uncomfortable, his posture had changed, half sitting, half standing. I was grateful, when I carried him to his water bowl, that he drank a lot. He also went to the toilet, I held his tail so he didn't make a mess on himself.

We spent the afternoon outside, as the sun started to set. He loved the sun, I wanted him to feel warmth... I held him, talked to him. I don't know now many times I asked him to please hold on, please fight and that I loved him. He looked more comfortable in the sun.

I did film us walking around the pool. I am forever grateful for technology, so that I could just put my phone down, touch a button and record a moment. As we walked and talked, oblivious to the camera, I recognized a change in his breathing... I may have missed it previously, but for sure, his breath was becoming more and more labored. Every 3 or 4 breaths, he just had to try harder... His eyes were changing too... But I was sure he could recognize me, the way the vibrations from my chest reached his body and the way I smell. He would react from time to time, shifting or clawing at me.

He often touched my chest with his paw. Reaching out...

Mum and I went to the vet late Wednesday afternoon, the earliest we could. I explained it must be the change of steroids. No, it wasn't. They were the same type, it was just that he wasn't able to fight anymore. We discussed the specialist, called them and made a plan to go in first thing in the morning. I arranged for a friend to come with me, and Thursday morning bright and early, we were going up to get Mijo cured. Transfusion, drugs, you name it, we were going to do it. We had to, we told him we'd make him better.

There and then, Alex and I decided to trade in our honeymoon, you know from the wedding we had 13 months ago and still haven't done the traditional thing of a week or two away somewhere. We decided the money we had aside for that, would go to Mijo's specialist costs, because without Mijo, our honeymoon, whatever and whenever we decide to do it, wouldn't be worth doing, if he wasn't around.

I made a firm plan on how to help him through the night. We would hold him in shifts... All 3 of us... If one showered, the other held him. Dinner time, we shared the responsibility, not that we ate much anyhow. We cuddled, we talked, we purred, I would blow gently on his head... He was feeling love and he was fighting...

Because he hadn't eaten all day, we decided to try feeding him with a syringe, with success. With the tablets we were putting into his stomach, I felt he needed something else down there too... With a small syringe, he took it well, lapping up a tasty liquid treat.

When it was bed time, we put pillows around the bed, incase he fell, because he was very wobbly on his feet. He would cry out at random times, possibly from pain, but I think more from confusion. He sometimes wanted to get away from us, as we know, pets know when it's time and usually disappear, isolate.

We barely slept. I managed about 3 hours... But it was tough.. He wouldn't stay still, and eventually we put him in his little bed, near our bed... Of course he didn't stay there long.

At 4am I heard him crying... I found him under the bed... Alex woke up too... His breathing had changed a lot... Every breath was labored. He wasn't getting enough oxygen.

I laid on my back, and Mijo laid on my chest. This was how it often was, especially when I was reading... We did that until around 7am... Alex taking turns, holding him, talking to him, loving him. Mijo could barely hold himself up, he just laid in our arms... Breathing... His eyes began to glaze over...

We discussed our options, we felt the specialist was now a long shot. We didn't think he'd make the drive, he was near the end. Our little man had little fight left... And we wouldn't forgive ourselves for him dying in a foreign place. There were a lot of tears and back and forwards, including mum coming in for cuddles with the little guy at 5am...

Alex called the emergency vet, and we planned to go in at 8:30... Mijo's time had come...

When the sun comes up, if the blind is open in our bedroom, the sun shines right on through to Alex in bed, Mijo was in her arms, while she drank coffee as the sun rose.

Sometime later I took the little guy out to the pool, where we walked and talked, cuddled and loved, around and around, in the morning sun. I talked to him about all the adventures we had, riding bikes, visiting people, the beach and the river. I spent most of that hour, holding him, looking to his eyes... He gazed up, I just hope he knew it was me. I just knew he felt the vibrations of my words.

We both told him, it was OK to let go now. We were ready. But he kept on fighting for each breath... I think he was just like his Dad, always hopeful..

He last moments at home, where in the chair I'm sat in now. It gets the best light, first thing, even though it's inside the “catio”. Alex had sat down while I was walking outside, I seem to do better when I walk, and I brought him in for cuddles with her in the sun... He was bathed in sunshine, in Alex's arms... It was beautiful...

Actually getting in the car and going to the vet, was tough, but it really hit me when I walked in. I held the little guy, and just burst into middle-aged-man tears and sobbing... If you were there, you'd know I was my mother's son, cause she was sobbing too... I couldn't look anyone in the eye... I didn't understand what was going on, or about to go on...

I think I was in another place...

We went into a consult room, and I just laid the little guy down, not thinking of using the blanket we had... The vet explained the procedure and took him away for his catheter and first injection, some anesthetic? I don't know, but apparently it was the right thing, it helped with his pain.

I couldn't even look Alex or Mum in the eye... I just cried...

I still had hope...

When they came back, Mijo was wrapped in a soft blanket, what a great idea...!! He was quieter, more peaceful... The vet left to give us a moment...

He was still breathing, still fighting... I put my ear to his face, and heard him...

I kept making sure his eye lids closed from time to time. I remember back when Catalina, my little girl in Germany, needed to be anesthetized for a check up. The vet put some put liquid drops in her eyes and made her blink, so her eyes didn't dry out... So for Mijo, I did that every once in a while... I didn't want his eyes to dry up... I wanted him to be able to see me, because laying on that table, he couldn't hear me.

I begged Alex not to bring the vet back in for the final injection... I think I may have screamed something at her... I don't know... I wasn't me... I was trying to hold him in my arms, without moving him... I was trying to give him another chance...

I bawled...

I don't know if I have ever cried like that before... I thought I'd be all cried out... I thought all my tears had already left the building the previous hours and days... But there was more... a lot more... and more to come...

I know that Alex and I held hands over his body... I felt the love... I felt his warmth... his breathing... I know I cried tears onto him, there were tear drops on his lips...

I looked him in the eye as much as I could, but mostly, I cried...

I felt the liquid go into him, I felt it go around my hand into him...

I don't know much about what happened after that... I know I didn't want to leave him, I had promised him I would never do it. I regret not holding him once more... I know that at that moment, I felt the life drain out of me... I felt hope die...

I walked out, not knowing what to do, and flopped down on the grass outside... I never sit on grass, but Mijo liked it...

I managed to drive home...

That was yesterday...

Since then I've tried to rest, tried to come to grips with what has happened, tried to connect with a few friends, I've tried... I'm still trying...

This morning I got up wanting to do some sport, washing, then study and take on the day with confidence... It's a new day, I should take that opportunity to get back into my routine... It took all of 1 minute, from bed to bathroom, to be bawling... Except for the time I manage to calm down enough to type this blog, I've been crying... It's now 10am... I was awake at 6:15...

We are running out of tissues..

I felt so bad this morning, I wanted to plead with Alex not to go to work, because I just can't today. I just can't. We have discussed how she copes in these situations, and I know that's how she copes, by going to work, so I kept my trap shut. I just want her to hug me all day, so I can feel her warmth.

I cried so much on the drive to drop mum off at work this morning, she started crying too, and contemplated not going to work... She wanted to be there for me, but I told her, honestly, I don't think I'd be much company today.

I don't know the grieving process, we haven't learnt that in counseling school yet, but I do know, I'm feeling very lost... I feel very numb...

I can't explain it, and maybe that's why folks can never really explain how they feel after someone close to them, or their pet, has passed. We are just lost.

I also feel that I am grieving for my other losses in my life. It's a bit like, it's a culmination of all the others before him, plus him on top, making me feel pain like I have never experienced before.

Grief is just love, with no place to go... Alex and I talked about that quote last night. I used this quote to help me through leaving my 4 pets in Germany, I know I have to find a new place for my love, but for now, I just can't.

I know I couldn't have gotten through this without the support of my Mum and Alex...

While Mum cries at the drop of a hat, she is solid and thoughtful and loving. Alex is strong and experienced in these matters. She knew what to say, and when, even if I did yell back… Both have a lot of time and patience for me.

I know Alex and Mum feel bad, maybe even guilty, for choosing him. Mijo was a present, to give me joy and love and comfort. And he sure did, in multitudes, to all of us. I would never have gotten a cat back then, I didn't feel Alex or I were ready, we were still working through our issues with our pets in Germany.

Alex and I decided that we want Mijo home with us. He was only on this earth for 6.5 months, we expected him to be with us for 10+ years. Taken too early. Once he's cremated we'll have him in a little urn. He was so small, but if there's a little left over, we will either plant a tree with his ashes or sprinkle him down by the river, the first place he went to that was close to water.

The past day or so, I have shared what happened with some friends, classmates and family, and everyone has been so thoughtful and caring. Thank you, it's really helped to know you're all out there, thinking of the little guy. He would have loved to meet you all.

He was perfection. If someone else had gotten him, realized he was deaf, they may not have given him the adventures and life he had. Mum considers him a rescue cat...

So here I am, in the chair, his last chair in his last moments at home.

I can still smell him on my shirt. When I walk around the house, dazed, I sniff my shirt. He had a wonderful smell. The smell of love and adventure. I hope that smell lasts a life time.

I miss his warmth, his meow, which was damn loud!! I miss, that sometimes he'd get lost around the house... Or he'd lose me, around the house. He was gentle, and only bit me once, by accident, piercing my thumb a little. I miss the fact he had 1 tooth growing forward, directly out, making him a tri-toothed kitten with a protruding top lip! He took on the world without fear. I've never experienced anything like it in a cat. My girl Catalina did sit on my shoulder as I walked down the street in Germany, but Mijo, he let me go skateboarding with him, played guitar with me (he'd chew the strings) and one time, I even vacuumed his tail.

All trust. No fear.

Back when he lost all his hair around his neck and stomach after his snip operation, we were pretty concerned. Funnily enough, it grew back pretty quickly, but it grew back white, not grey. He had a ring around his neck and kind of marks on his back wrapping around to his belly. Alex googled it, and actually found out, cats can often have their hair grow back white after trauma or experiencing extremes of temperature if their hair was cut short or fell out.

About a month ago, I sent my dearest of friends, Sandra, a photo of his regrowth, and she commented looks like “little angel wings”...

Fly on little wing, fly on...

RIP Mijo Angus

12-11-2020 – 27-05-2021

Thanks for reading,

Josh

[dusksmote]

Is there any background info you can give on characters in WTSAU?

Like any cool hc you give the characters?

okay i have SO MANY 😩 but i can’t say all the best ones until later cuz they involve SPOILERS

so i’ll try to say all the ones i can with the information given:

Style:

- Kyle’s had feelings for Stan since he realized he was gay, which was in middle school. When Stan came out as bi he told Kyle first, before Wendy, even though they were dating at the time. Kyle’s insecurities prevented from acting on his feelings even after they broke up.

- Wendy has pegged Stan in the past, but Kyle is the first guy Stan’s ever been with. Wendy has come around to support their relationship since the events of ETL chapter 4.

- Stan is always the first one to say ‘I love you’.

- Kyle was the last one in their big friend group to lose his virginity, but he has one of the highest sex drives of the guys. He and Stan switch off being top almost equally, but Kyle prefers to top and Stan prefers to bottom. they fuck daily.

- When they want to have a hard, passionate fuck Kyle tops. when they want to have slow, emotional sex Stan tops. Kyle has slight sadist tendencies (inflicts pain) and Stan has masochist tendencies (receives pain). Stan is especially into breathplay (choking, face sitting, crushing, etc.) and assplay. he’s the best ass eater (so call him a bottom feeder 😂) and Kyle’s superior in the blowjob department.

- Stan has hyperhidrosis, meaning he sweats more than the average person. this is why their rooms/the truck/anywhere they fuck smells so strong. there’s a few hints for this in ETL/WTSAU, he keeps antiperspirant in his locker and in the truck, he gets really sweaty whenever they have sex. Stan also has asthma and acne, which Kyle’s been helping him treat. Kyle loves popping his zits for him.

- Conversely, Kyle is super hygienic and always tries to keep himself clean and dry. when Sharon comes into Stan’s room in chapter 1 and describes the smell, the gym locker scent is Stan, the Old Spice is Kyle, and the ‘inside of a rubber balloon’ is their latex lubricant. 

- Everyone at school considers them the obnoxious, overly romantic couple. they hold hands, cuddle, kiss, and dirty talk in front of everyone. they think they can get away with it without people noticing but they’re chronically conspicuous and not stealthy. the working title for the fanfic was actually ‘Ain’t Slick’ for a while before it changed to What They Say About Us!

- they’re fucking devoted to each other and are exclusively monogamous. Stan is especially protective of Kyle and Kyle is fiercely possessive of Stan. 

- Kyle applied as a math major in his college applications, and will eventually get a PhD for logic and set theory. Stan’s a bio major and wants to go into physical therapy.

- Stan doesn’t smoke weed out of principle (because of his dad) so Kyle also doesn’t smoke in solidarity. 

- Kyle is a type 2 diabetic, and doesn’t need to always take insulin. his weight gain began with the World of Warcraft episode and was maintained instead of lost like in the show. his weight is a cyclical feedback loop of: genetics (mom’s side of the family), too much insulin (when using insulin therapy), and diet. this led to him developing lordosis (excessive weight warps his spine) so he didn’t grow as tall as he would have, and makes his weight appear more exaggerated. short stature, weight, and body image issues led to quitting basketball which in turn contributes more to his weight. this impacts his self-worth which leads to stress eating. his biggest fear is that he’ll never stop gaining weight and will end up as big or bigger than Cartman.

- Stan has gained a few pounds since he started dating Kyle, while Kyle has lost a few.

Cutters/Bunnyman/Kenrietta:

- Kenny is straight, but has voluntarily sucked dick before. he and henrietta have hooked up a few times in the past after running into each other at poetry slam events which Kenny takes Karen to. 

- Butters and Cartman are exclusively gay, and think girls are fucking gross. they’ve only every slept with each other.

- Kenny, Cartman, and Butters are all best friends and do pretty much everything together. even though Butters and Cartman are dating, Kenny never feels like a third wheel because they rarely act romantic in front of anyone (including him). however, when Style start dating and Cutters come out about their relationship, Kenny begins feeling like a fifth wheel.

- Butters lives almost entirely at Cartman’s house. His parents actually don’t mind because they enjoy not having him around. Liane is 100% the cool mom from mean girls who asks them if they want snacks or a condom. Sometimes all three of them crash at Kenny’s house for variety (or when he has to watch Karen because his mom is drinking/out of the house).

- Kenny wants to study psychology in college and become a family therapist or social worker. he’s taking a gap year to save money then going to community college. Cartman and Butters applied to the same schools and plan to stick together long-term.

- Butters and Cartman’s relationship started as experimenting with each other as their sexualities developed, and began after Cartman confided that he had sexual feelings for Kyle. Cartman and Butters have also developed genuine feelings for each other, and overtime their relationship transformed into what it is now. because of how their relationship started, they’re very open about any sexual feelings they have for other people and have a ‘hall pass’ for friends they’re allowed to fuck if given the chance, without it considered cheating.

- Butters is a huge gossip. he will promise to keep secrets and then immediately turn around and tell Cartman--which totally happened after Kyle said he thinks Stan has a crush on him in ETL chapter 2. Butters and Cartman keep nothing from each other, and the only secrets they won’t tell are the ones about each other. 

- Kenny is the easiest of the larger friend group to confide in, and keeps every secret he’s given. he’s known Cartman and Butters have been together since the beginning, about Cartman’s crush on Kyle, and Kyle’s crush on Stan. People naturally come to him for advice and to vent. The least likely person to confide in him is Kyle, who’s more likely to curl in on himself instead of expressing his feelings.

-SO much shit about Cartman and Butters’ relationship I can’t say yet because it comes up in the fic 😩 please ask me about these two again later when i can say more!!!

Creek:

- Tweek is a dom top and Craig’s his catamite. they try to get away with sex anywhere they can and have gotten very stealthy because of it. Tweek also has one of the highest sex drives of their friend group, and Craig will let him do whatever he wants anywhere, anytime. 

- Tweek is constantly high on stimulants (cocaine, meth, adderall, etc.) and Craig experiments with him in certain settings. this is what gives Tweek his boosted self-confidence and flippant attitude. 

- Pete Thelman (hair flip goth) is their coke dealer. Tweek trades him his ADHD meds for it, which Pete resells to posers. If Tweek doesn’t have enough to cover the cost he and Craig make up the rest by giving Pete sexual favors. sometimes they have threesomes for fun too.

- Tweek and Craig both think Kyle is hot and would fuck him given the chance. being open about this with each other makes them feel closer and strengthens their relationship. they have roleplayed as Stan and Kyle in bed before while high out of their minds.

- they're deeply in love and would do anything for each other. Craig could get Tweek to stop taking drugs if he wanted to but right now they enjoy experimenting with them together. in the words of everyone who know them, ‘Tweek and Craig are perfectly fucked up for each other’. 

Kyle’s family:

- Sheila’s biggest regret as a parent is letting Kyle get fat, because she was also overweight as a kid and dealt with the same issues he does now. It’s the same reason she feels obligated to help Kyle’s cousin overcome his weight dilemma (by trying to get him and Stan to hang out).

- Ike is an eboy who loves lil peep. He, Karen, Tricia, and Firkle all make tiktoks together and complain about their gay older brothers/friends.

- random fun fact: If Ike and Karen get married that would mean Kyle and Kenny are brothers-in-law, which would mean the main five all end up as extended family to one another.

Stan’s family:

- Sharon has plans to divorce Randy but is waiting until Stan leaves for college to not uproot him from school and his friends.

- Grandpa Marsh is still kickin’ in the old folks home and Shelly’s off in college.

- Randy’s a narcissist who lives vicariously through Stan’s accomplishments in sports. the easiest way to explain it is: Randy’s not as proud of Stan for being a successful athlete and attractive jock as he is proud of himself for producing one. Stan’s ability to get laid with (he presumes) hot girls makes Randy feel like he has game too. one of the reasons he’s disgusted by Stan’s relationship with Kyle is if Stan’s fucking some big fat guy it doesn’t align with his narrative. 

-

this is just the stuff i could think of off the top of my head, i’ll probably come back and add more to this as i remember it. ask me again in a few chapters!!! i have so much i want to say about bunnyman, cutters, the future for style, and their families that i can’t say yet!

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

you mentioned something a little while back about trauma anniversaries? would you be comfortable explaining what it means and what its about?

Sure thing. 

So.. trauma anniversaries are complicated, and vary from person to person, but the general idea is that when one experiences a traumatic event (or events, plural, centered around a specific time period), the brain/body stores that information and (as with other PTSD reactions) sometimes has an uncontrollable and unpredictable response to it. 

“Many trauma survivors experience challenging “anniversary reactions,”  which are defined as ‘unique set[s] of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience.’ When a survivor finds themselves in the midst of a trauma anniversary, they often are forced to re-live feelings from the traumatic event, causing symptoms like increased anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, nightmares, and irritable outbursts.”

Our bodies hold on to trauma in an effort to protect us, but sometimes those signals get mixed and bad feelings get tied to a time period, which is not particularly useful in most cases. 

This time of year makes me a bit wonky in general, with the changing of the seasons and the temperature drop, but October is also an anniversary for an event that changed my life and dramatically impacted my mental health... and I didn’t realize that it was affecting me until I was already deep in it this go round. 

I hate talking about it like this, because of the age old dichotomy of “it wasn’t that bad” and “it was bad enough and it’s affecting me”. I’m still working on accepting this stuff without falling into the mental trap that I’m “whining about nothing” and that “other people have it worse”. They do. Someone always does. But that doesn’t mean that the stuff that’s happened to me isn’t bad. 

I don’t know how much information you’re looking for, or if you’re asking about my experience specifically, but I’m still a bit off so what the hell. 

I already have issues with fall and the beginning of the school year for various reasons that I won’t go into. So this time of year is always tricky. But...

For those who don’t already know, five years and fifteen days ago, I called my grandmother and she told me she was going to kill herself. I was the only one home, I had just turned 23 years old two weeks beforehand, she had told me she was having a hard time affording some things, and I had offered to make her an appointment with a therapist and with a new primary care physician and to pay for it all so she could keep taking her medication. 

I called to ask her what day might work for an appointment so I could take the time off work, pick her up, take her to lunch, and then drive her to the appointment, and she told me she was going to kill herself. She told me she had been saving up her pills, and that’s why she hadn’t been taking them. She told me she had discussed it with my grandfather, and that he knew and was ok with it, and they were going through their belongings so there would be “less for him to deal with” once she was gone and that she was “surprised I hadn’t caught on sooner”. 

I kept her on the phone, kept her talking on my cell, and grabbed the home phone to start calling anyone I could think of. My mom, my dad, my aunt (with whom I had only reconciled five days before-- big misunderstanding, but still a lot), my mom’s cousin... no one would answer. 

By the time my mom got home, I had been on the phone with my grandmother for over an hour, mid panic attack, and I was hyperventilating so hard I couldn’t see and I couldn’t stand. Your limbs go all tingly when you don’t retain enough carbon dioxide, and I remember trying to walk to her and collapsing. I gasped out an explanation, my mom took the reins, and we were able to get in touch with my aunt and get the necessary medical professionals on hand to give my grandmother a psychiatric evaluation and put her on a 72 hour hold. 

We were at the hospital until nearly 4 in the morning before a nurse told us that they legally couldn’t release my grandmother because the doctor had mandated a three day safety hold, and that we should go home and get some rest. By the time we made it home, there was a message on our answering machine that a county examiner had released her and there was nothing more they could do. 

I found out later, much later, that she had never stopped taking her meds. She’d never said a word to my grandfather. She had no intention of killing herself. She wanted a reaction from me, and she got one. She called my cousins and told them I was a liar. She called family members who have never even met me and told them how awful I am, and that I make things up for attention.

I waited a little over a week to call her. I recorded the call, so that I’d have proof if I needed it. It’s still on my harddrive somewhere. Two plus hours of her calling me a liar, telling me that conversation never happened, telling me that she’s ashamed of me, that she hopes no one in their right mind ever loves me because I’m a monster, that she pities my friends and anyone who has the misfortune of knowing me because I’ll stab them in the back too as soon as I want some attention. The list goes on and on. 

That continued for a while. Whether or not it’s true, when someone you love tells you things over and over again, you can’t help but wonder. 

I started having dreams that she was hitting me, and that people were letting her do it. I started having dreams that I was in a loving, committed relationship but came home one day to a seething partner who had just gotten off the phone with her and realized I was a worthless liar, and of them, too, turning abusive. I started having dreams that I was alone at the bottom of a deep, dark hole, and no one could hear me or try to get me out. 

She decided one day that we were going to pretend nothing had ever happened, and I was forced to play along. All the while she’d still call and say awful things to me, then show up at family gathering like nothing was wrong. She’d say one thing to me, another to my family, and call me a liar to my face and behind my back. She kept telling friends and family that I was being abusive and manipulative to her. 

It hit the point that I truly, genuinely couldn’t remember what she had said in that initial call, and I worried I had made it all up. Gaslighting at it’s finest. 

It’s taken years to realize it, but every interaction I had with her following that date has been either abuse or manipulation. She spent months and months refusing to speak to me unless it was to tell me how horrible I am, then like flipping a switch one day I came home and there was a gift on my front porch from her. She’d ease up for a while, then suddenly be awful again. My entire life, she had always been the epitome of a perfect grandma... she’d take me on outings, buy me little gifts, bake with me at the holidays, sing songs with the grandkids, loved playing with us, we’d talk for hours on the phone, they came to dinner frequently. And now... it’s like a veil has been lifted and she’s unrecognizable.

I tried to maintain a relationship with her. She screamed at everyone at Easter a few years back that her silverware was more important to her than a relationship with me. I kept trying. She told a lawyer that my mom and I had “stolen her medical records” and were “forcing her to have medical procedures against her will”. I kept trying. She threatened to send a police officer to our house, accusing me of stealing. I kept trying. 

And finally, last fall, I called to wish her a happy birthday, she began a tangent, and I realized I was so tired. I asked her outright if she wanted a relationship with me. She told me she couldn’t be bothered to think about it. I haven’t spoken to her since. 

That one phone call cost me so, so much. I lost my relationship with my grandmother and my grandfather, by extension. Other family members have questioned if I’m lying to them, or if I made things up. I’ve questioned if I made things up. 

In the midst of all of this, my father also completely shifted and I don’t know why. He started picking fights with me, almost constantly. If I tried to change the subject, I was too stupid to have a discussion. If I stayed silent, I clearly knew I was wrong. If I said anything in reply, I was lying. He throws things, when he’s mad. He kicks things. He used to punch walls. My mom has since said to me that if she had any idea that he would turn into this person, she wouldn’t have married him. Sometimes he’s great, sometimes he’s awful. I never know which version I’ll be dealing with. 

I’ve spent nearly five straight years in therapy trying to deal with this. My original goal was not to hate my grandmother, or my father. It had to adapt to not hating myself because of what they said to me. 

So October is hard. Because October is when my mind and body unconsciously remember things changing. Relationships I’d always counted on turned abusive. Nothing I said or did was safe. It’s dangerous. 

I blew past the actual anniversary just feeling sort of... jittery. I’ve spent a few weeks feeling withdrawn and anxious and not knowing why. I had a noticeable uptick in old thought patterns and intrusive thoughts about self worth, self harm, etc. 

Whether or not it’s logical, whether or not it makes sense... my self preservation has locked onto this time of year as unsafe, and it falls into old patterns in an attempt at protection. Old patterns include anxiety, difficulty eating regularly, issues with self worth, withdrawing from others, emotions very close to the surface, and a few other things. 

And that’s where I’m at. 

I’m ok, and I’ll be ok. I’ve got some experience dealing with this under my belt now, and I still see my therapist regularly. I’m talking to her next week. At the moment, I’m just trying to take care of me however it makes sense, and not doing anything dangerous or dumb. 

So... that’s what I mean by trauma anniversary. 

[radioactive-synth]

#FOOCtober2020 -  Oct  14 - Special Memory, Item, or Location OR Extrasensory

Vaughn and his cousin Vincent (@theartofblossoming’s oc) were just as close as brothers. in 2071, Vaughn has lost him due of war. he has been wearing his tags ever since then.

under read more i wrote a short drabble (excuse any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language)

Name: Hudson, Vincent Nathaniel

Blood Type: A+

Social security number: 05112042/MA/02111

Religion & marital status: N/R: S

How many times he read these lines. How many times he ran his thumb over these two metal tags. He has lost count over the years.

He still remembers that day. On 17 august 2071, in the evening, one of the postmans, that worked with his uncle, came with a telegram. It was strange, as usually his uncle delivered mail in the area. 

'Look, as soon as I saw it has the army stamp, I knew it's bad news. Your uncle hasn't seen it yet but… it can't be good. I'm sorry.'

Vaughn took the letter and thanked the man. He felt his heart pounding hard in his chest. They already got a letter yesterday, and Olivia hasn't told Michael about his brother yet. But why a second letter? Unless…

'Who was it, baby?', his mom asked from the kitchen.

Vaughn could not answer. He opened his mouth but no words came out. He hasn't opened the letter but… he felt what can be.

He walked in the living room and sat on the couch, still looking at the envelope.

His mom came out from the kitchen to check on her son. 

'Are you ok, darling?', she asked, sitting next to him. She looked at the envelope in his hands. 'Oh no…'

'I don't want to… to open it. It can't be real', Vaughn said, feeling tears in his eyes.

Vaughn heard his mom letting out a small sob, and he put his arm around her, bringing her closer. 

'Not him… anything else but not him…', Olivia said quietly, crying into Vaughn's shoulder.

----

He was called to pick up the 2 boxes and other personal stuff. He was told that the ashes of his cousin and father will be brought to the graveyard, and given proper burial.

-----

'Just take her, Vonnie. She ain't much use to me anyway', his uncle said, giving the keys of the Mistress. 'I know you can take care of her.'

They had spent the whole afternoon going through the boxes. Michael didn't insist much on Ryan's box. He only found out what his nephew suffered because of his brother. He admired his brother and yet… he can't understand why he acted like that. Just before Ryan left, Olivia intended the divorce. He has no idea if the papers came out. Why would it matter now?

Vaughn looked at the photography that his cousin had. It was with Vin, wearing his favorite leather jacket, and him, wearing his doctor uniform. They took this photo years ago, just a short time after he graduated med school. He can see how Vin was so proud of him, just looking into his eyes. This brought tears in his eyes again. 

I miss you so much.

'He really loved you, you know. He was not good with his words all the time but… he cared about you', his uncle said.

He knows. They grew up together. Vin was 3 years older, and he was always protecting him, from either his father, or from bullies. But he also knew how to have fun. Be it an innocent thing as a child's play, to sneak out during the night to go to a bar, Vin was always full of surprises. But he was also supportive of him. He always believed in him. 

Vaughn nodded, and got up the chair to hug his uncle.

'I know that', he said, letting out a few tears onto his uncle's shoulder.

-------

'You know, having something from a loved one can make you feel closer to them. What is one personal thing you have from him?', Nora asked.

'Does Mistress count?'

'I meant something to wear. Like a jacket, or… the tags? You did kept his tags, right?'

-----

He let out a sigh, and straightened his back. He felt the cold metal from the motorcycle, and turned his head slightly to her.

She looked just like she was out of the factory. 200 years were not kind to her, but his son had fully repaired her. Now she can start again and purr just like before. Yet she can't take her out on the roads. 

He ran his free hand over the handle. He remembers the picnics they had together, just enjoying the view and each other's company, with not a care in the world. He remembers the driving lessons his cousin gave him. He even remembers the times they saw each other in the traffic, and would drive together home.

'Vinnie… I miss you so much', he said, letting out a sob. 'I love you so much, I wish you were here', he said, feeling tears running on his cheeks. He held the tags in the other hand, close to his chest.

[sickly-qt]

Oo! Fic idea! Maybe Mila and Remy are preoccupied with something, so they aren't paying as much attention to Jules as they normally would. Jules comes down with a cold, and thinks nothing of it and goes to school for like two days anyways. Then, one day, he feels really sick at school, and when he gets home, he rushes to the bathroom to puke and Remy and Mila are like "Shit.."

I’m back! Finals aren’t over yet but I have some more free time. This one is a bit rough, but I hope you like it nonetheless. I’m also sorry for any mistakes, I didn't reread this.

---------------------

Julian walked into the house and everything was bustling. Mila was trying to get Leah dressed and Remy was rushing around to get everything packed. They were going to some sort of business dinner and Julian was supposed to go with them, but with the way he was feeling he was going to try to get out of it. He had woken up with a headache and stuffy nose that morning, it was probably nothing but he still didn’t want to sit through a boring dinner.

“Oh, hey Jules. How was school?” Mila asked when she noticed his standing in the foyer.

“It was school.” He answered, setting his backpack down and taking off his shoes. “Do I have to go to dinner?” He asked.

“I mean, you don’t have to, but it would be nice for you to be there.” She said, fighting with Leah to get her arms in a sweater.

“I just have a lot of work to get done, with finals and everything.” He lied, he was really just tired.

“Um, yeah okay. I’ll tell Remy.” Mila picked Leah up and raised her eyebrows at him, “Are you okay?”

Julian nodded, “I just want to get ahead of the game so I’m not overwhelmed later.” He explained.

Mila nodded and walked into the kitchen leaving Julian to go upstairs to his room. He was sitting at his desk when Remy knocked and peeked his head in, “Hey, Mila told me that you were going to stay home to get some work done.” He said.

Julian nodded, “Yeah, y’know. I want to graduate.” 

“Of course, I just wanted to let you know that we were heading out. We might be a little late so you don’t have to wait up.” 

“Okay, bye.” Julian waved.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Jules.” Remy said, closing the door behind him.

As soon as the coast was clear he shuffled over to his bed and laid down, not even bothering to lay under the blankets. He was so tired he would have thought he set a record for the least amount of time taken to fall asleep.

The next morning wasn’t really any better than the night before, his head hurt and he was still congested, but now his stomach hurt. He could hear the commotion downstairs of everybody getting ready for the day but couldn’t bring himself to get out of bed.

He eventually peeled himself out of the warmness of his bed and slinked across the hall to get ready.

When Julian went downstairs Remy and Leah were in the kitchen, Remy making coffee and Leah eating a bowl of dry cereal.

He sat at the table and slipped his shoes on.

“You okay?” Mila asked, noticing how groggy he seemed to be.

“Yeah, just tired.” He said, giving Mila what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

“Okay, grab something to eat in the car. I’m dropping you off on my way to the office.” She said, scrambling to get everything together. “Remy, you’re dropping Leah off right?” 

“Yep, we’ll be right behind you.” He said, scooping Leah out of her seat and sitting her down on the couch to get her shoes on. 

“Okay,” Mila walked over and gave him a quick peck on the corner of his mouth, “I’ll see you when you get home. Bye bug!” Mila waved to Leah and grabbed her purse and keys and led the way out the front door with Julian trailing behind her.

“You have a stage crew meeting today?” She asked after they started driving.

Julian nodded, “Yeah, it’s a short one though, we’re just planning and stuff, Max can give me a ride home.”

“Okay, if anything changes just text Remy.” she said, pulling up to the drop off spot. “Have a good day, I’ll see you when you get home.” 

“Yeah, you too.” He said, getting out of the car watching as she drove away.

School went by too slowly for Julian’s liking, he really was tired, really tired. His head steadily got worse and what was originally a normal stomach ache slowly morphed into nausea. His hopes that this was only allergies growing weaker throughout the day. He was a zombie throughout most of his classes and slept through his study hall. He felt even more tired when he woke up. When he got to the stage crew meeting he sat in the auditorium and waited for the rest of the students to file in. He was sitting with his eyes closed, hoping that he would miraculously feel well enough to power through when Max walked up behind him.

“Hey.” Max said, leaning over his shoulder.

Julian opened his eyes and looked over at him, “Hey.”

“Sorry I wasn’t in study hall today. I had to make up my statistics test.” He explained.

“It’s okay. I just slept anyway.” he mumbled, turning in his seat so he could see Max better.

“Oh. You still look pretty tired though, are you feeling okay?”

Julian nodded, “Yeah, it’s just allergies.” He lied, knowing full well he had a cold at least.

“Okay, um we’re probably going to get out of here pretty early so you should be able to get home soon.” Max said, leaning forward and folding his arms over the back of Julian’s seat.

Julian nodded. They sat like that for most of the meeting, at some point Max started twisting a piece of Julian’s hair between his fingers. Julian didn’t know when it started but he let it go, it felt nice. 

Julian eventually nodded off, Max gently shaking his shoulder when the meeting was over.

His eyes blinked open and Max climbed over the row of seats to sit next to him, “Full honesty, you don’t feel well right?”

Julian didn’t have the energy to try and cover how he was feeling up anymore and gave up, nodding. “I started feeling sick yesterday and it just got worse.” He whined, wrapping his arm around his stomach.

“Your cousin wouldn’t let you stay home?” Max asked, worry etched into his face.

“They’ve been super busy lately, they didn’t really notice and I don’t want to add to their plate.” He said, “I just want to lay down.” 

Max nodded and got up, “You’re not going to puke in my car right?”

Julian shook his head, “My stomach just hurts, I don’t feel like I’m going to throw up.” He mumbled, only telling half a lie. He felt super nauseous, he just had some time before he was going to be sick.

The car ride was basically silent, Julian too nauseous to say much and Max too anxious to start a conversation. Julian was bouncing his leg trying to distract himself from the rolling sensation in his stomach, the car wasn’t helping either. As soon as Max pulled into the driveway Julian practically jumped out of the car and rushed into the house, muttering a barely audible thank you to Max. 

Julian burst into the house, slamming the door closed behind him, catching the attention of everyone in the house.

“Jules? Is everything okay?” Mila called over the back of the sofa.

Julian shook his head quickly, turning the corner into the half bath and lifting the toilet lid right as his stomach spasmed, sending a wave of vomit into the water. He coughed and more of his stomach contents splashed into the toilet, spattering the seat. 

��Shit, okay.” Mila stood in the doorway, placing her hand on the back of his neck. “You’re okay.”

Julian took a deep breath and cleared his throat, spitting into the water and flushing the toilet. “Sorry.” He mumbled weakly.

“You apologize too much, do you think you’re done?” Mila asked, filling a paper cup with water and handing it to him. 

Julian nodded, he felt a little better for now at least.

Mila sighed, “I knew you seemed off this morning, we’ve just been so busy.”

Julian could hear the guilt in her voice and started to feel bad, “It’s not your job to notice when I’m sick, I should’ve said something.”

“Yeah, but still,” She sighed again. “Why don’t you head upstairs and I’ll come up and bring you some meds okay?”

Julian nodded gratefully.

When Mila came up, she had water and some pills that Julian took without hesitation.

“You left your bookbag in Max’s car, he came back and dropped it off. He said that he hopes you feel better.” Mila said.

Julian blushed a little and Mila smirked, “Get some sleep Jules, and we’ll see how you feel in the morning.”

Julian nodded and laid down, “Thanks Mila.”

“No problem, this is what I do best apparently. I’ll check in on you in a little bit.”

[bumblesimagines]

Sick

Request; Yes or No

Trigger Warning: Depression, schizophrenia, self harm

I'm not sure how old Kurtz was but I'm gonna say 15-16. (Y/N) is 17-18.

If anyone with schizophrenia feels offended or wants to inform me on it, please feel free to message me and I'll fix whatever needs to be fixed. Please remember that I don't have schizophrenia so I can only learn from the people who do. Also, please be mindful of the fact that I'm not saying all wards are bad, some are good while others aren't, it really depends on you and how you view your experience.

(Y/N) rested his head against the window, staring at the blurry trees. He could hear Lucie's distant chatter as she tried to start a conversation.

"What happened to Kurtz?" He asked, lifting his head and looking at her. The boy he was supposed to protect, his younger brother, was dead. Lucie swallowed, hazel eyes flickering over to him.

"He.. Some crazy guy killed him." (Y/N) looked at the road in front of them. (Y/N) had lived on the Northside with his aunt after his parents deemed him crazy. His aunt took him in, having the disorder as well. She passed over giving in to the tumor in her brain and Lucie, his older cousin, took custody of him. During that period, (Y/N) had learned that his parents had overdosed and that his brother got addicted. Those two things combined with his disorder drove him to almost end his own life but Lucie found him in time. Sheriff Keller advised her to send (Y/N) to a psych ward until he was better. He didn't feel better.

"We can go to Pop's, get a burger and a milkshake." Lucie said, offering a smile. (Y/N) stayed silent. Her smile dropped.

"Please.. Talk to me, (N/N). I haven't seen you in almost a year." Lucie begged, glancing at him.

'Who's fault is that?' (Y/N) chuckled. Lucie shot him an old look before realization took over.

"You haven't taken your meds, have you?" Lucie sighed, one hand gripping the wheel as she ran a hand through her hair.

'Grab the wheel.'

"No." (Y/N) mumbled. Lucie licked her lips, thinking about what to say.

"What are they saying?" She asked. (Y/N) shifted his attention onto the trees again, choosing not to respond. Having dealt with her own mother being schizophrenic, Lucie was used to hearing someone talking to themselves or seeing things. She wasn't used to a completely emotionless person though. The doctors called it flattening.

"Okay, how about this, I go get some Pop's and you can rest at home. Sounds like a good idea?" She asked.

"Okay." Lucie smiled, happy that she got a response.

"Great. Maybe Betty could keep you company? She was your friend, right?"

"No." Lucie glanced at her cousin, pressing her lips into a thin line.

"Well, she asked about you." Lucie pulled up to their house, giving him a small smile. (Y/N) got out of the car, getting his stuff and taking the house key from her. He walked up to the porch, unlocking the door and entering. Everything was still the same. With a sigh, (Y/N) went up the stairs and entered his old bedroom. It was clean and tidy. On his bed lied a small note and a jacket. He picked it up, looking at the note.

'Welcome home! From Betty C.'

(Y/N) looked at the jacket. It had a design of a band/singer he liked.

'Burn it.' (Y/N) rolled his eyes, ignoring the voice. He looked over at his window, approaching it and gazing at Archie's house. Betty and Archie sat on the steps, chatting. Betty turned her head, noticing him. She gave a small wave. (Y/N) closed the curtains. He fell back onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, looking at Kurtz. The male stayed silent, arm draping over the stomach of his older brother. Even if Kurtz was dead, (Y/N) could at least see him in his hallucinations.

"I should've been there for you."

'He's dead because of you.'

"I should've stayed."

'You were a terrible brother.'

"I love you." (Y/N) whispered. Kurtz pressed a kiss to his forehead, disappearing when someone knocked on the door. (Y/N) stayed in bed, hoping they'd go away.

"(Y/N)? It's Betty!" (Y/N) grunted, getting up and leaving his room. He headed towards the front door and opened it, looking at the two friends.

"Can we come in?" Betty chirped, tilting her head. (Y/N) wanted to say no but maybe the two would keep the voices at bay. He nodded, stepping back and letting them in. (Y/N) closed the door, going into the livingroom and sitting down.

"Did you get my gift?" Betty asked, smiling. (Y/N) hated how positive and energetic she was.

"Yeah."

'She doesn't care about you.'

"I know." (Y/N) mumbled, fiddling with the sleeve of his hoodie. Betty and Archie glanced at each other.

"How was the psych ward?" Archie asked. (Y/N) stared at the ginger.

"Boring." He replied.

"Well, at school we're thinking about starting a club for people with mental illnesses to feel accepted and know others are here for them." Betty said, glancing at Archie.

"We were wondering if you wanted to join? Talk about your experiences?" Betty asked. (Y/N) looked at her.

'They're scared of you. You're a threat.' (Y/N) shrugged.

"Okay." Betty's eyes lit up.

"Great! We'll see you at school." She smiled, standing up. (Y/N) leaned back, letting her know that he didn't want a goodbye hug. Betty and Archie left with small waves. (Y/N) stayed seated on the couch, not really knowing what to do. He was used to being isolated so being able to leave the house was weird. (Y/N) curled up on the couch, ignoring the small shadowy figures that he saw out of the corner of his eye and stared at the tv as if it was on. A sight to behold when Lucie returned.

(Y/N) stared at the school. The people who knew him watched him or whispered to their friends.

"Have a good day." Lucie called. (Y/N) ignored her, hearing the car drive off. He took a deep breath in and pulled down his hoodie sleeves. (Y/N) kept his gaze low as he walked up to the school and entered. Newbies who didn't know him were quickly told who he was. People steered clear of his path. (Y/N) got his schedule as the bell rang and went to class. The teacher knew who he was.

"I'd like to welcome back Mr. (L/N) to Riverdale High." The teacher flashed a pity filled smile.

'Strangle her.' For once, (Y/N) wanted to do exactly what the voice said.

"Please take a seat bedside Mr. Fogarty." She said, motioning to a Serpent.

"Do I have to?" He grunted. The teacher blinked, glancing down at her seating chart.

"Um.. I can change your seat tomorrow." She said, a little nervously. (Y/N) hummed and approached Fogarty, taking a seat beside him. (Y/N) opened his notebook, taking some notes but eventually resorted to doing doodles of the shadowy figure in the corner of the room.

"Dark." The tan male beside him mumbled. (Y/N) looked at him blankly.

"I'm Fangs." Fangs said, extending his hand. (Y/N) looked back at his notebook.

"My brother almost killed you." Was all (Y/N) said. Fangs blinked and it clicked in his head. (Y/N) rested his head on his fist. His mind was blank and he wasn't processing anything the teacher was saying.

"I can give you the notes." Fangs offered suddenly. (Y/N) blinked, looking at him. His gaze shifted onto Kurtz, who stood behind Fangs, looking rather annoyed. (Y/N) looked back at him, searching for some sort of pity in his eyes but only found kindness.

"Whatever." (Y/N) replied, noting that the shadowy figure had disappeared. He stood when the bell rang and went to his next class. Nobody spoke to him. Some people glanced and whispered. It was like that until his last period. (Y/N) looked at Jughead when the male sat besides him.

"Hey."

"Go fuck yourself." Jughead decided not to speak with him for the remainder of class. (Y/N) was relieved to hear the bell but it was short lived. Betty, Archie, and some chick entered the classroom and greeted him.

"You must be (Y/N), heard a lot about you." Veronica said.

"All bad things probably." (Y/N) replied, making it clear he wasn't interested in a friendship.

"Well, I brought the idea up to our principle and we got the all clear." Betty said, smiling. (Y/N) really couldn't care less. His eyes flickered to the figure in the corner.

"What's your disorder again?" Veronica asked.

"None of your fucking buiness." (Y/N) replied automatically. Veronica blinked, taken a back.

"Okayy, let's go to the club room we were able to claim." Jughead said, trying to ease the arising tension. (Y/N) crossed his arms. What a shit show.