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scharoux · 5 years

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Stripped Confessionals Pt. 1

Starting off the ‘Spring Into Love’ prompts event with a bang. For prompts number 7 through 10.

Huge thanks again to my usual Trio ( @bearly-tolerable @buttsonthebeach & @lyrium-lovesong ) and also to @velannas for letting me borrow Mihren again!

Fandom: Dragon Age

Rating: Mature

Pairing: Cullen Rutherford x Meara Lavellan

********************

The warm sun of the new spring shone brightly in the Skyhold gardens as Meara Lavellan sat enjoying a game of chess with her sister Mihren. Since Mihren had been officially given the title of Inquisitor, it seemed like she rarely had a minute to herself, let alone to spend some time with her only sister.

"Meara! Are you cheating again?" Mihren scolded her as she leaned forward, giving her a knowing scowl.

Meara bit her lip and tried not to laugh. This wasn't the first or the last time her sister had given her this familiar scowl. She'd been used to seeing it since she was a small girl, up to no good, with Mihren on her heels trying to keep her out of trouble.

"I would never!" She placed her hand over her heart dramatically, acting wounded at the accusation.

Mihren's scowl remained fixed on her as she made her move, then leaned back into her chair. "Why, do I not believe you?"

Meara couldn't hold back her laugh then. She genuinely wasn't cheating, or at least not this time anyway. In fact, she was actually taking it easy on her worn-out sister. She'd noticed that Mihren was missing obvious strategic moves that she would have never missed if she wasn't stretched so thin with everything going on.

The winter at Skyhold had not been kind to them. The harsh weather, plus the constant influx of new recruits and refugees, meant there were always more mouths to feed and bodies to train for the battle against Corypheus. Mihren had needed to step up to her new role, and she had without question. Only Meara couldn't help but wonder what it had cost Mihren. What it was still costing her. Her sister was tired and needed a break more than anyone she knew. Unfortunately, Mihren carried the same stubbornness she did and refused to let anyone help her shoulder her responsibilities, even Meara.

Meara deliberately made a move that would lose her a valuable piece, watching to see if her sister would notice how she'd set it up for her to take easily. She didn't.

Meara muffled a concerned sigh as she watched Mihren struggle to make her next move.

"Mihren?" Meara reached forward and tipped over her King. Mihren looked up at her, eyes wide with surprise. "When was the last time you slept?"

She made to reply, but Meara cut her off knowing the argument that was coming. "No! I mean more than a few hours here and there."

Mihren's mouth shut, arms crossing across her chest like she always did when she was guilty of something.

She gave her sister a stern look. "I mean an actual full night's sleep, where you go to bed shortly after dusk and stay asleep until dawn?"

Mihren sighed, annoyed. "I can't remember." She replied, waving her hand dismissively.

Meara nodded, and stood, shoving her chair out from behind her. "Get up, Mihren."

"What? Why?"

She stood up regardless and gave Meara a quizzical look as she came and took her by the elbow, leading her out of the gazebo.

"Go find Solas. Tell him you need a sleeping draught, and most importantly…" Meara paused, pulling her sister to look her in the eye, "tell him I will be checking on you later to make sure you took it."

Mihren rolled her eyes but nodded in agreement. "Fine! You're right, I need to rest. I'm not myself, and I haven't been for a few months." She let out another deep sigh as she pulled Meara into a big hug. "Thank you for making sure to take care of me when I can't take care of myself."

Meara gave her sister a tight squeeze in return. "Always." She pulled away and reached up to tuck a stray strand of hair behind Mihren's ear. "Now, go find Solas and get some sleep. I'll be checking on you later."

Her sister smiled in farewell as she made her way across the soppy earth, still wet from the melting snow.

Meara hoped that she would see her sister return to normal after a much-needed rest. She couldn't help but wonder if Solas had tried to convince her to take time to rest as well, and if he had, why he hadn't been successful.

She turned and was about to walk to the stairs leading to the ramparts, but a familiar gentle voice beckoned her.

"My Lady Mearanna?" Mother Giselle spoke melodically as she approached her. "May I have a moment of your time?"

Meara didn't really know Mother Giselle and hadn't had much opportunity to interact with her more than a handful of times, but she liked her well enough for a devout Andrastian.

"Of course, but just Meara is fine." She replied politely.

The old woman nodded, gesturing for Meara to walk with her. "I wonder, if during your next journey outside of Skyhold you might be able to procure more medicinal herbs for Skyhold's stores? Specifically, more elfroot and witherstalk."

"Why ask me? Surely Leliana's scouts will be able to procure these for you?" she asked curiously as they made their way about the gardens, the waterlogged ground heaving up under the weight of her boots.

Mother Giselle gave Meara a knowing grin, "The fertile Earth gives birth to new life."

Meara was even more confused now. Did she always have to speak in riddles?

"I'm not sure I understand, Mother Giselle?”

The old woman's grin spread into a broad smile. "It is spring, my child. Soon there will be an abundance of new life amongst us in all shapes and forms. With it will also come the need and desire to keep more seeds from sowing."

When she didn't respond, Mother Giselle cocked her head and gave her a curious look.

"Surely you must have noticed that our stores of witherstalk had almost run out? You and the Commander are still - intimate - are you not? I was merely thinking that you would perhaps make it more of a priority than Sister Nightingale's scouts, given your need of it."

Suddenly the last few weeks were a blur. She began counting back in her head. Desperately trying to recall the exact day it was, and realization hit Meara like a rampaging druffalo, knocking the wind from her lungs in an involuntary whoosh.

"Oh, fuck."

Meara ran for the stairs that lead to the ramparts, ignoring Mother Giselle's shocked gasp at her outburst and sudden departure.

She needed to find Bull right away, and there was one place she knew for certain to look. She took the steps two at a time, then sprinted across the ramparts towards Herald's Rest once she reached the top. If anyone could help her it was Bull, or maybe Dalish, but she needed answers and she needed them now.

She flew across the ramparts, hoping like hell she wouldn't cross his path on the way to the tavern. Prayed silently to the Creators for the first time since she was a young girl that her path would be clear. Meara wasn't afraid of anything, but right now, in that moment, she was absolutely terrified of seeing Cullen, and the fear turned her stomach to rot.

*****************

Meara had found Bull exactly where she'd predicted he would be, tucked in the back corner of the tavern having a drink with Krem. She'd let out a relieved sigh as she'd come down the stairs and spotted him in his regular spot.

"I need you!" Meara huffed, pointing a finger at the massive Qunari sitting before her. "Now!"

Bull gave her a curious look, then shrugged at Krem's questioning glance as he placed his tankard on the table. "What's up little Boss?"

"Somewhere - more private." Meara cast a look over her shoulder, afraid someone might hear them. "Please?"

Bull must have sensed her urgency, or maybe it was her unease. Whatever it was, he stood and directed her out the back entrance of the tavern. Meara breathed a sigh of relief when the noise from the patrons inside died as Bull pulled the door shut behind him. They stood alone in the small gap that separated the infirmary and Herald's Rest, hidden away by the overgrown bushes that grew there.

"Alright," Bull said when she turned to face him again. "We're alone now, so what's on your mind?"

Meara swallowed down the sour taste of unease that coated her mouth. Oh Creators, I've really fucked up this time.

She took a deep breath and tried to tamp down on the waver in her voice. "What do you know about witherstalk, and do you know if it can stop working?"

Bull frowned, "Obviously I know what it is, and what it's used for. I don't know if it's always effective though. Maybe you should ask Solas, or maybe the surgeon at the infirmary?" He gestured to the building next to them with a cock of his head.

"No, and I would rather not." Meara groaned as she started pacing nervously.

Bull watched her silently for a minute, his good eye followed her every movement.

"What's going on with you Meara?"

"Nothing! Why?" Meara asked, a bit more defensively than she intended.

He scoffed at her, rolling his eye as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Look, I know you, and I can also read your body language. It's definitely not nothing."

She groaned again. "Fucking Ben-Hassrath!" She cursed under her breath, and she's sure she saw his mouth twitch.

"I can either guess, or you can tell me what's going on and save us both a lot of time. Your choice." Bull leaned back against the tavern wall, waiting for her like he had all the time in the world.

"Ugh!" Meara growled. She took another deep breath, trying in vain to steady her nerves.

"I stopped taking witherstalk a few days before my monthly bleeding was supposed to start, but that was two weeks ago, and I still haven't started my cycle!"

She blurted it out in a rush of breath. She genuinely hoped that Bull had managed to catch it all, because she wasn't sure she could bring herself to repeat it.

Bull looked a little perplexed at first, like he was trying to process what she'd said.

"Please don't make me say it again." Meara pleaded as she clenched her hands anxiously at her sides.

She'd never once missed her monthly cycles. Not since she got them for the first time as a girl. She'd always been careful to never miss a dose of witherstalk when she became sexually active. Meara knew to stop taking it a few days before her cycle was set to begin, and to start taking it again as soon as her bleeding had stopped. It was like second nature for her.

Only, she'd never been on the front lines preparing for an inevitable battle against a blighted magister hell bent on destroying the world before. No, that was definitely new.

She'd also never been in what she would consider a relationship before either.

What she had with Cullen, and everything they were facing was foreign territory to her in every possible way. Being in a relationship was scary enough for her, she couldn't possibly imagine being a parent or having a child. Especially not right now when they were at war. Mihren could do it, but Meara was afraid she didn't have the same nurturing side that her sister did.

Meara felt her palms getting sweaty as a wave of nausea rolled over her stomach. What the fuck is wrong with me? Get it together, Meara!

Bull was still leaning against the wall, watching her, and she couldn't handle the scrutiny. "Say something! Say anything!"

Bull gave her his typical know-it-all grin then stepped forward and put his huge hand on her shoulder. Creator's, his size never ceased to amaze her. He was a giant in comparison to her. His hand completely encompassed the top of her arm, his fingers draping over to touch the lower part of her shoulder blade.

Meara remembered the way his hands had felt huge when they were everywhere on her body. She remembered the way his touch was gentle, but also rough when she needed it to be, and how he just knew when to shift between the two. She'd have given anything to go back to the easiness that they'd had. To just fall back into the routine of having sex to scratch that itch when it flared up, and not having all the feelings and emotions tied to it.

Meara would be an absolute liar to say she didn't enjoy what she and Cullen had. Unfortunately, it was this exact reason that she didn't like to let people get close to her on this level. Sex for sex was easy - comfortable - and definitely safe. Feelings complicated things. They made her feel vulnerable.

Meara longed for the familiarity and security of her former habits. Bull looked down at her, the same way he had when she'd first mentioned that they should have sex. The same look that made her feel in control, while also asking for her permission. All the while he knew exactly what it was she wanted. What she needed from him.

It was then that she realized it was the control she missed. Control over her life, because right now she felt like nothing was in her control, and it was sending her spiraling.

"What do you want me to say?" Bull asked her quietly, almost a whisper.

Meara looked up at him, feeling that familiar surge of fierce intensity rise in her as she took his hand off her shoulder. He gave her that fucking “I already know” look, and her need for control erupted within her.

"Nothing."

She leapt at him, Bull catching her easily, as she wrapped her legs around his waist. She crushed her lips against his as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Their kiss was carnal, mouths clashing against one another, tongues melding together between hot breaths. Meara moaned as Bull's strong hands gripped her ass, lifting her higher. There was nothing to complicate things. Just hands on bodies, feeling and searching out the means to an end.

Bull bit her lip, sharp teeth nipping at the plump flesh as she sucked in a shaky breath. Meara couldn't help but compare his touch to Cullen's. How Cullen was gentle, eager to please her, but also how he wanted to take his pleasure with her. Always with her. How he was never selfish in his need, even when she wanted him to be. How he'd wake her in the mornings with gentle kisses on her bare shoulders. How he'd make love to her passionately, letting her pleasure build slowly until she would keen longingly into his touch.

Meara's heart fell as it dawned on her that what she needed, and wanted, wasn't something she could find with Bull. It was with Cullen. And in her hopelessness and fear at the thought of becoming a mother, she'd allowed herself to stray from him. Even worse she'd strayed into the arms of the one person Cullen felt menial next to.

Meara pulled away, ending the kiss. She looked into Bull's eye, placing her hand on his cheek. "I'm sorry, Bull."

She was prepared for his face to fall with rejection, or maybe to act like this was familiar ground for him, which it was. She was ready to apologize again to her friend for hurting and using him, to atone for her mistakes. She'd earned the hurt that was about to come.

Meara, however, was not expecting a huge grin to spread across Bull's face as he dropped her back onto the solid ground. "About fucking time." He said clapping her on the shoulder.

Meara was aghast. "What?!"

"I was afraid I was going to have to go all the way before you'd come to your senses." He laughed.

"Are you fucking serious?" Meara gaped at him, "How could you possibly know I wasn't going to go through with it?"

"C'mon, Meara" he gloated happily. "Everyone - except you - can see how much you're in love with Cullen. I knew you wouldn't go through with it once you got your head out of your ass."

She didn't know how to reply. She could only stand there shell-shocked, staring up at him as he gave her a shit-eating grin. "Or, at least, I figured you would stop," he added with a off-handed shrug.

"Really?" She challenged him, hand on her hips. "And just how far were you going to let me go before you let me come to my senses?"

Bull coughed then, "Well I can't say it wasn't a tempting idea to take you to bed again, but I'd have stopped you... eventually." He added a wink, goading her on.

"Fuck off, Bull." She punched him in the center of his exposed pec, and he let out a big bellowing laugh. She smirked despite her lingering annoyance.

"Seriously though. Why didn't you stop me?"

Bull's smile faded. He reached out and took her hand, encompassing it with his own. "I didn't stop you because you're stubborn. If I'd tried to stop you, you would have wanted to keep going to establish the control you thought you wanted. What you needed was the push to figure out for yourself that what you really wanted was Cullen."

Meara knew he was right. Hated that he was. She knew in her heart that if he'd tried to talk her out of it, she'd have wanted to show him he was wrong even if he wasn't. He hadn't forced her, hell, she'd initiated it. She had been sure it was what she'd wanted, but damn if it wasn't the furthest thing from the truth. She continued to lie to herself over and over again. Tried in vain to convince herself that what she and Cullen had wasn't as serious as it really was, and now she might be carrying his child.

"Fuck." She hung her head, hiding her embarrassment. "What the fuck have I done?"

"You asked me for my advice before." Bull stated. "Do you still want it now?"

Meara nodded. He squeezed her hand reassuringly.

"You don't need to be so strong that you can't let anyone in. You know that in the Qun we don't make relationships a thing, but that doesn't mean they don't exist." Bull released her hand and turned towards the tavern door again.

Meara watched him go, trying to decipher what he was telling her. Why was everyone speaking in riddles today? He paused, giving her a quick look over his shoulder, "The real strength is being brave enough to let that one person in, and letting them stay no matter how shitty things get."

Meara looked at her friend with glassy eyes. She finally understood. Knew what he was trying to tell her. What Mihren and everyone else had been trying to tell her for months, but she'd been too damned stubborn to hear.

Bull nodded to her, pulling open the door and letting the noise of the tavern patrons spill out before he stepped inside, closing the door behind him.

Meara smiled, took a deep breath to compose herself, then took off around the corner of the building. She needed to find Cullen, and she hoped like hell that she would have the strength to say what she needed to. Hopefully together they would be able to weather this storm if it came to a head.

******

Meara thought she was going to be sick. Cullen's quarters were empty when she'd arrived, and she paced nervously back and forth across the room, waiting anxiously for his return. Her stomach churned angrily, and she felt the bile rise in her throat.

She forced herself to swallow. She took several deep breaths, trying desperately to steady her nerves. She'd never been this nervous in her life. Not even when she was competing to become the leader of clan Lavellan's hunting party. No. Meara could track a deer faster and more efficiently than any man in her clan. Could clean and carry out the carcass of her prey faster than any of the people who told her she couldn't because she was too small, even for a woman. She had stared them all down fearlessly when she'd emerged from the forest - a large buck over her shoulders - bright red blood still running freely from it and staining her clothes.

Meara tried to remember what Bull had said. Replayed the words over and over in her head.

"I am not weak." She said aloud, continuing to pace the length of the room.

"I am strong." She tried to remind herself.

"He gives me strength."

"Who gives you strength?"

Meara spun around as Cullen's voice broke her from her nervous spell. She'd been so distracted she hadn't heard the door open behind her.

"Cullen!" She swallowed anxiously, trying to regain some semblance of composure. "I - I didn't hear you come in."

He smiled at her, dropping a stack of papers on his already crowded desk. "Nor would you have. You were speaking quite loudly."

Meara felt the blood rush to her cheeks, "Oh - right. Yes. I guess I was," she rambled off, embarrassed that he might have overheard her personal pep talk.

Cullen bridged the gap between them, pulling her against him. His arms wrapped tightly around her as he leaned in, kissing her forehead affectionately.

Meara took a shallow, shaky breath, winding her arms around his waist, letting her cheek rest against his chest. She clutched the fabric of his tunic tightly in her hands, holding him close while she tried to build up her courage again.

“Is everything alright?” Cullen murmured into the top of her head, his hot breath sending shivers down her spine before coming to rest in the tips of her toes.

Meara closed her eyes. She wished like hell she could tell him everything was fine. That she could take him up to the loft and take a few moments of pleasure together like they would any other day. She knew better, though. Knew there was a very real possibility that she carried an unexpected secret within her. Knew she had two confessions to make, and that one was sure to cause him a hurt she wished she could spare him from.

“Meara?” Cullen’s strong hands pulled her away from the safety of his arms, and she had no choice but to look up into his soft honey-brown eyes.

Meara’s heart lurched. “Cullen –“ her voice wavered heavily as she forced herself to say the words. “I am so sorry. So very, sorry.”

She felt him stiffen under her touch. Saw his face fall and her heart fell.

“What’s happened?” His gentle voice had faded, in its place was the stern voice of the Commander of the Inquisition's army.

Meara decided then she needed to just tell him. He deserved to know the truth of what happened, and that the best way to do it was to be blunt.

She held tighter to his clothes. Her grip turning her knuckles white.

“I kissed Bull.”

Cullen's face went from a pale white to a deep shade of red. His expression turned from hurt to anger. He tried to pull away from her, but Meara held tightly to him. Her hands still wound tightly in the folds of his clothes at his back.

Meara struggled to keep her own cowardice at bay, even though it screamed at her to let go. Urged her to release him and run. To save herself from the pain she felt knowing she had hurt him so deeply.

Cullen was rigid against her, trying to detach her hands from his clothes, refusing to look at her.

“Release me,” he said flatly, looking anywhere but at her.

“No.” Meara shook her head. “Not until you let me explain.”

His eyes snapped back to her face. He looked like a man undone. His expression was something between rage and absolute agony, and Meara’s heart bled with the regret that overwhelmed her.

“Why?” He exhaled; his voice full of pain. “I just need to know why?”

Meara blinked back the tears she was trying desperately to keep at bay. She didn’t deserve to cry. She deserved the pain she felt. She’d hurt Cullen in her moment of weakness, and she needed to atone for her mistakes.

“I fucked up.” She spoke shakily. “There was something I thought I needed. Something I thought Bull could give me.” Cullen pulled against her again, and Meara held tight to him. “I was wrong, Cullen. I was so very wrong.”

Cullen scoffed, casting his gaze away from her again. “Is he the one who gives you strength? Did he give you the strength to come end things with me?”

Meara shook her head, “Cullen, I- “

“Did you fuck him?” Cullen snapped at her, and her strength crumbled.

Meara let the cloth fall from her hands. Felt the blood return to her tingling fingers as he pulled away from her at last.

She felt like she couldn’t breathe. Felt like her lungs were frozen and she would never be able to thaw the icy hurt that filled her core.

Meara brushed away a single tear that had trickled down her cheek. She didn’t know if he would listen to her. Didn’t know if he even wanted to, or if he would forgive her even if he did. She only knew that she needed to explain, even if it meant he didn’t want her anymore in the end.

“You give me strength,” she muttered in a shaky breath.

He turned, staring at her coldly. “What did you say?”

Meara took a deep, wavering breath. “I said, you give me strength, Cullen.” She spoke as clearly as she could manage, fighting the overwhelming urge she still had to flee.

Cullen’s face softened, he took a step towards her but hesitated, catching himself. “Then why did you kiss him? I don’t understand, Meara.”

He ran his hand through his golden curls, his frustration coming off him in waves.

“I kissed him because I was afraid!” Meara blurted, ashamed that there was no other reason for her indiscretions.

She hid her face in her hands, trying to steady her breathing and hoping the knot that had formed in her stomach would release soon, or she could very well be sick on his floor.

“Afraid of what?” Cullen pressed.

Meara dropped her hands and looked up into Cullen’s eyes. “I – “

She faltered.

“Ah, fuck!” She ran her hands through her hair in frustration at her own stupid cowardice.

“Afraid of what, Meara?” Cullen asked again sternly.

“I love you, alright?!” Meara barked emphatically.

Cullen stood there with a stunned look on his face. His eyes were wide and locked onto her.

Meara groaned, “I love you, and that honestly scares the shit out of me!”

She started pacing again, wringing her hands together anxiously, because finally confessing her feelings out loud was fucking terrifying. Acknowledging that she had allowed herself to openly love someone was terrifying, and now she was terrified of losing the person she’d only just admitted to loving.

“I’ve never been in love, Cullen. Not with anyone! I don’t know how to process these feelings, or what it means, and it’s terrifying!”

Cullen ran his hand over the back of his neck, lost in thought or maybe just for lack of words. Meara watched him with bated breath, waiting for him to say something. Hoping he wouldn’t ask her to leave.

“Say something!” she pleaded anxiously, the moments of silence between them becoming too much for her to handle.

Cullen opened his mouth, then snapped it shut again and began rummaging through the papers on his desk. Meara watched, dumbfounded, as he circled his desk, looking under it and scanning the room.

“What the hell are you looking for?!” she demanded. She’d just told him she loved him and he chose now of all times to go looking for some lost treasure?

“Empty bottles,” he remarked casually over his shoulder as he continued to search the room.

Empty bottles? Meara groaned in frustration, “Are you suggesting that I’m inebriated?”

Cullen looked up at her then, his face turning a subtle shade of pink. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, “No – never mind, it’s nothing.”

Meara crossed her arms, giving him a quizzical look. If she’d known he’d think she was drunk when making her confessions of love, she would have gone to the tavern for a few ales first to steady her nerves.

Her breath caught as Cullen stepped towards her. The frustration she’d felt vanished, replaced with the familiar knot of unease.

“I still don’t understand. Why - if you feel that way - would you kiss him?”

She wished she could shield herself from the look he was giving her. “Is loving me so terrible that it would send you running into the arms of another man?”

Meara’s heart thudded heavily at his words. Creators, she had immensely fucked this up.

She took a slow, careful step towards him. “It isn’t that. It’s just that - “

Cullen looked at her, eyes pleading her for something she hoped she could give him.

“I was – am – afraid that I won’t be able to give you what you want.”

Cullen gave her an inquiring look, “Meaning?”

Meara sighed, “Meaning, I love you, but I don’t know if I will ever want to get married.” Meara paused hesitantly, “Or have children.”

Creators, that’s a loaded statement, Meara. She cringed as the words fell from her mouth.

She watched his expression change, and she quickly continued before he said something, and she lost her nerve. “I don’t want you to give up any of those things because I don’t want them. I don’t want you to change because of me, and I kissed Bull because it was the only way I could I feel like I had control over my life anymore!”

Meara paused again, catching her breath, trying to gauge his response to her confession.

“Loving you is - exhilarating,” she continued exhausted, “but it makes me feel like I’m not in control, like I’m only watching my life play out. Most of my day is spent wondering what you’re doing when I’m not with you, or wishing I was with you.”

She paused, running her hands through her long, thick locks anxiously, “I don’t know how to handle feeling this way Cullen!”

Meara swore she saw the corner of Cullen’s mouth twitch slightly. He took another step towards her, making her heart jolt nervously.

“For years I’ve been content to be alone, because being alone meant being in control and only ever having to worry about myself. So, in a moment of selfish weakness, I wanted to go back to not feeling like I needed anything or anyone. Like I was strong enough that I didn’t need anyone else. Only, I was wrong.”

Meara felt the tears start to trickle freely down her cheeks, unable to hold them back anymore.

“I need you, Cullen. I love you. Except that loving you makes me feel selfish. Horribly selfish, because deep down I think you deserve that life with a little house on a hill, and a wife and children. I want those things for you, but I’m terrified that I won’t be able to give them to you, because it’s not in me to give.”

Her breath caught as he reached out gingerly and took her hand in his. She shivered, as his hand reached up and gently wiped away the tears that had spilled down her face. She felt her heart skip as he gave her the familiar smile that she’d come to love in their time together.

“Perhaps, you could let me decide for myself if I want those things as well?” he asked softly, almost a plead.

Meara cried in earnest then as Cullen pulled her against him. Arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders, holding her close as she poured silent sobs into the soft folds of fabric that covered his chest. She cried until the material was laden with spilled tears.

She knew she had to tell him. Knew he had a right to know that she might be carrying his child, but she was terrified that she would disappoint him. That she would hurt him again, and even deeper, when she admitted she didn’t know if she wanted a family. Not only now, but maybe ever.

She’d seen Cullen with children before. Seen how they flocked to him, and he just seemed natural with them. How easy it came for him. She knew in her heart he would make a great father. Knew that he would be patient, but firm, but also would be willing to have fun with his children. Much like her own father had been with Mihren and herself.

Meara didn’t want to deprive him of that choice simply because he loved her, or because she loved him in return.

She continued to cry into his chest. Letting him hold and comfort her, as he whispered soothing words of endearment into her hair, all the while hating how weak and vulnerable, she felt. Yet she leaned into his touch, longed for the security she felt wrapped in his arms, breathing in his warm scent.

She cried until she could cry no more. Until she felt exhausted from it. She tried to remember the last time or recall if she had ever cried like that. Try as she might, she couldn’t recall a single time she’d allowed herself to cry until she had no more tears to shed.

***********

#SPR2LUV #scharoux writes #dragon age fanfiction #meara x cullen #cullen rutherford #meara lavellan #not the inquisitor #spring into love prompts event #the iron bull

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