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themurphyzone · 7 years ago

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Episode 42: Meap Me in St. Louis

A LONG TIME AGO,

PROBABLY A WEEK BUT THAT’S STILL KIND OF A LONG TIME,

A WRITER DECIDED TO UNDERGO THE TASK OF GATHERING ALL SEEMINGLY UNRELATED SCENES FROM THIS TRAILER AND PUT THEM INTO A COHERENT STORY BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY GET PAID FOR THIS STUFF HAVE NO INTENTIONS OF MAKING THIS AN ACTUAL EPISODE.

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JUST PRETEND THERE’S AN EPIC STAR WARS-ESQUE FANFARE HERE. I DON’T HAVE A TEAM OF SOUND EDITORS AND AN ORCHESTRA FOR AWESOME BACKGROUND MUSIC.

AND NOW I PRESENT

THE CHRONICLES OF MEAP

EPISODE 42: MEAP ME IN ST. LOUIS

PART 1: THE MEAPENING

Location: Space, the Milky Way Galaxy. Approaching Asteroid Belt at Warp Drive 2.

Meap jerked the wheel to the left, barely avoiding a large asteroid which threatened to crash through one of the side engines. His tricked-out ship could withstand any kind of G-force, meteor showers, and the occasional laser blast from evil galactic overlords, but he wasn’t taking any risks. Unfortunately, the nearest aliens were the Martians, who were infamous for being one of the more primitive races of the universe, since they tended to break any kind of technology that came their way.

He checked the rearview mirror, smirking when Mitch’s large and clunky ship got pelted with space rock after space rock. It would give Meap plenty of time to get to Earth without being followed.

Clearing the Asteroid Belt was a cinch. As he passed by Phobos, he noticed a purple ship with its hood popped open on the rocky surface. A rather peculiar looking fellow with green, mottled skin and horns held up a sign that said ‘HELP. NEED REPAIR’.

Meap instinctively recoiled, a normal reaction for his species when they saw something irreparably ugly. But as an Intergalactic Security Agent, it was his job to help the denizens of outer space regardless of species. He pulled out his favorite translator mustache, the black one that made him sound like Lorenzo Lamas. He parked his ship and hopped out, waving to the strange fellow.

“Hello!” Meap said, holding out his hand in greeting. “My name is Meap, Intergalactic Security Agent, S rank. What seems to be the trouble today?”

The strange alien’s pink eye bulged out toward him, while the blue scrutinized him closely. He didn’t shake his hand. “Broken,” he rasped. “Throw it away.”

Meap leaned over the exposed engine, examining several of the close wires. “Don’t be so dramatic, friend!” he said, attaching the wires to their correct outlets. “Your wires just got knocked loose. It’s a common problem with ship models from the Cygnus cluster. How about I give you the coordinates to Dave’s repair shop? Real good guy, prices aren’t bad either. He deals with stuff like this all the time-”

A shadow fell across him just as he turned around. A slimy, pink appendage was the last thing he saw before his vision faded to black.

“You took her,” the raspy voice said. “Now you will be thrown away too.”

Now entering Earth’s atmosphere. Autopilot set to land on North American continent. Target: The Flynn-Fletcher family.

“Happy birthday even though this song is copyrighted and we could get sued if we sang it the proper way on this show, happy birthday to you!”

Buford inhaled deeply, then blew out the candles in one powerful breath. “I totally meant to do that,” he said, laughing when all the frosting and candles stuck to Baljeet’s face from the sheer force of it.

Baljeet grabbed a towel, glaring at Buford as he wiped the mess out of his hair. “Of course you did.”

“C’mon, just hurry up and stuff your faces with cake already. I wanna get to the presents,” Buford gestured to the pile of gift boxes that overflowed one of the tables.

“Oh, Buford,” Isabella sighed. “It’s not about the presents.”

“Yadda, yadda, friends and family,” Buford rolled his eyes. “Could we save the afterschool special talk for when it’s not my birthday? You guys are killing me with the sap.”

“But the presents are a bonus,” Ferb sagely added.

Phineas took a large bite of his chocolate cake, grinning widely. “Don’t let Mom’s cake go stale, you guys! Dig in!”

Candace and Jeremy sat under the shade of the tree, completely absorbed in their own little world. “So yeah, that’s how I managed to fix the fryer with nothing but an empty ketchup packet and thumbtack,” Jeremy finished.

She laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind next time I need to fix a fryer and I can’t immediately call my brothers for a quick fix.”

“Jeremy!” a cute, bubbly voice squealed. “Kiss it! Kiss it better!”

Candace winced away when little Suzy ran up to her older brother, holding out her finger, which was streaked with red. Suzy not-so-subtly planted herself between them, her shoes digging into Candace’s exposed knee. It took all of her self-control to not cry out in pain.

Gently setting Suzy on his lap, Jeremy leaned down and placed a large kiss on her finger. “Can’t have my favorite little girl getting hurt. How does it feel now?”

Suzy giggled. “Much better! Thank you!”

The scene would’ve been so much cuter if Suzy had actually cut her finger instead of scribbling red marker over her skin.

“Suzy, drink something before you run off and play,” Jeremy said, handing her a cup of fruit punch. Suzy smiled sweetly at him before taking a sip. She took a step forward, then shrieked as she suddenly tripped and fell on her stomach.

Candace yelped, unable to avoid the splash of fruit punch that soaked her face and part of her blouse. She was incredibly thankful her skirt hadn’t been in the line of fire.

“Suzy? Are you hurt?” Jeremy quickly asked, his eyebrows raised in worry. “Sorry, Candace. I can grab you a towel if you want.”

The opening of the cup was suspiciously tilted towards Candace, and he didn’t even notice. The thought of being left with Suzy made her shiver.

Candace waved him off. “It’s...it’s fine,” she breathed, covering the wet part of the fabric with her arms “I’ll just go change and dry off myself. No problem here.”

Jeremy glanced at his little sister. Her expression instantly changed from a malicious smirk into an adorable guilty face with watery eyes that were way too large for Candace’s liking. “Suzy, what do you say?” he prompted.

“Sorry!” Suzy squeaked.

“Yeah, it’s cool,” Candace forced a smile, which quickly disappeared as she walked back into the house. The chatter died away as the kids watched her close the sliding door.

It wasn’t fair, Candace thought sourly as she stormed up the stairs. Suzy was absolutely determined to keep her away from Jeremy at all costs, always ruining the moment, and humiliating her at every turn. At this point, Candace was convinced that Suzy was actually a criminal mastermind who got plastic surgery to look like a child because no police force on the planet would ever dare to arrest a four year old girl.

She considered talking to Jeremy and his parents, but they would probably refuse to believe her and she would be forbidden to date Jeremy ever again.

“That’s rich,” Candace muttered angrily. “’Hey, Mrs. Johnson. Your beloved little girl is actually a psychopath who needs to be institutionalized before she murders me in my sleep with a hair tie and teddy bear. Maybe you should watch her because she is the living example of appearances are deceiving’. Great. It sounds stupid in my head. It sounds even stupider out loud. Sometimes I just want to stuff those stupid pigtails down a garbage can.”

She changed into an identical red shirt and washed her face, sighing when she finally deemed herself presentable again.

“Hey, Candace!” Phineas exclaimed the moment she walked outside, pointing excitedly at a familiar spaceship that had definitely not been there when she’d left. “Look who else showed up! I don’t think Buford and Baljeet have met Meap yet. Boy, are you gonna love him!”

“Isn’t that the-” Baljeet instantly quieted when Buford shook his fist.

“We had an agreement, don’t say anything about that time!” he growled.

Baljeet crossed his arms. “Momentary lapse in judgment, I apologize. There is no need for threatening hand gestures.”

The ship door opened, and Meap climbed out. “Can we keep him?” Suzy shouted, breaking the stunned silence.

Jeremy chuckled. “Sorry, I don’t want competition for the cutest critter in the house.” Suzy beamed at that, then cocked her eyebrow at Candace in a silent ‘take that, pencil-neck’.

Candace tore her gaze away from Suzy and focused on Meap instead, wondering why he hadn’t pulled out his translator mustache yet. He had a half-lidded, bored expression on his face.

As he was walking towards them, his ship suddenly exploded.

However, explosions were common sights in Danville, so nobody batted an eye at that.

She felt like something was off, but couldn’t put her finger on it.

“Meap! You came just in time!” Phineas exclaimed, rushing forward to shake Meap’s hand. The alien didn’t return his enthusiasm. “You’ve never met Buford, Baljeet, Jeremy, and Suzy, so here they are! It’s Buford’s birthday too, typically it’s Earth custom to give one a gift on birthdays, but you didn’t know so that’s cool-”

Buford sniffed. “No, it’s not.”

“Meap, are you feeling okay?” Isabella asked. “You look kinda sick.”

Meap ignored her, stopping when he was in front of Candace. “You are my creator,” he spoke. “And you have thrown me away. Now it is your turn to be trash.”

Candace raised an eyebrow. “Look, is this payback for me thinking you were a stuffed animal the first time we met? Cause I’m not following.”

“Precisely,” Meap rasped. “Jerry the Platypus, the sleeping agent.”

“Jerry the Platypus?” Candace asked, confused. A fat, dopey platypus in a fedora wiggled his fingers at them. Then he fell flat on his face, a loud snore escaping him.

Meap’s eye twitched. “Excuse me for a moment.” He stalked over to Jerry, lifting him by the neck in a surprising feat of strength. “I did not mean you when I said ‘sleeping agent’.”

“Why does he look like Perry?” Phineas asked.

“And Meap needs a tool to speak our language. Usually with a regional dialect,” Isabella added. “And what did he mean when he said Candace threw him away?”

Buford huffed. “First, leave the dunking people into trash cans to actual bullies. Second, can I open my presents now?”

“I’ve never dunked anyone in a garbage can!” Candace threw up her hands in exasperation. “I’m just as lost as the rest of you!”

“My deepest apologies about the wait,” Meap said, holding out a cylindrical container. “This body does not have a nose so I shall go unaffected.” He twisted the ends, releasing a sweet-smelling gas, which quickly covered the backyard.

Baljeet collapsed first, followed by Suzy, then Isabella succumbed.

Candace coughed, then quickly held her breath to avoid breathing it in. It didn’t work, and she swayed on her feet.

“Must...open...presents....” she heard Barney say. Or was it Bollock? Benny? The gas must’ve been affecting her mind.

Her eyelids drooped shut just as she caught a glimpse of her brothers struggling to breathe. She reached out-was her arm moving at all? Then everything faded into blissful silence.

“Then I will marry her. After that, she will be disposed of.” The alien didn’t have the hands or fingers necessary to tent his stubby arms together, but he was doing the equivalent for his species.

And he was more mysterious with the black spinning office chair. Staring into the void and contemplating his meaningless existence was far easier than dealing with his subordinates.

The two minions in his office saluted.

“And have you contacted the other one? She is currently with Candace’s friend,” the alien asked.

“Uh, she’s not interested, boss,” one of the minions stammered.

“WHAT?” he screeched, his stubby limbs completely useless in whipping the chair around to face the minions. “Ugh, this chair is rubbish too. Get me a new one!”

They scurried off, tripping over themselves in an attempt to get away from their boss’s wrath.

“Waste. All of them,” he muttered. “What is she doing that’s so important anyway?”

“Bunny-Bear, who was that?” Stacy asked as she laid two of her shirts on the bed.

Bunny-Bear dropped the phone and inspected a shirt carefully, “Like, a bunch of lame-o’s. Now girl, if you go with the calm ocean blue that oozes coolness, but the tsunami blue screams wild and rocking that bod. It’s, like, your choice.”

Stacy glanced at the blue shirts that were no different from the rest of her everyday clothes, then picked up the one that was apparently calm ocean blue. “You are the best fashion consultant ever.”

“Tell it to my agent.”

“How’s that Candace tracker working?” Jeremy called, bouncing Suzy on his knee as the group waited impatiently.

Phineas gave his handheld device a light smack. “Yeah, the cuteness tracker has never been one of our more reliable inventions,” he admitted. “The program Ferb installed to block the interference from Isabella’s cuteness isn’t working anymore. Maybe we need an additional formula to block Suzy’s as well.”

Suzy giggled brightly.

Isabella sighed dreamily, her hands clasped against her head. “You really think I’m cute and not just because I weaponized it against Mitch?”

“Well, your signal was a lot stronger than even an entire cuteness-based planet,” Phineas shrugged. “I never meant that the readings were entirely unreliable.”

“Well, it’s not given in the most conventional way, but I’ll take it,” Isabella declared.

“So we headin’ off now? Cause I haven’t been paying attention since we woke up from that sleeping gas thing,” Buford asked as he ripped open another present. “Oh sweet, a baseball bat! This’ll be useful for wherever we’re going.”

Baljeet was dangling by his overalls from a tree branch, so Ferb handed him the equations to look over. “Why did I give him a bungee cord...should’ve made it a gift card,” he muttered. “Anyway, you could easily block out 76% of the cuteness emitted from fluffy puppies and kittens if you replaced the square root of three over unicorn with 4p, p standing for pastel.”

Ferb nodded and adjusted the equation, then showed it to Phineas. He quickly plugged it into the system.

“Guys, we got it!” Phineas shouted. “Meap’s on course to St. Louis! And he’s got Candace with him! But not Jerry the Platypus, guess he forgot him.”

The group glanced at the pudgy monotreme, who hadn’t noticed that he’d been left behind. Isabella helpfully grabbed him a slice of cake. It would probably tie him over until they got back and figured out what they could do with him. Jerry dug in once the plate was in his hands.

“Eh, I’m sure Perry will get along with him just fine,” Phineas said. “Speaking of which, hey-”

“Where’s Perry?” Suzy cut in. She cutely rocked on her heels.

“Suzy, I know you were excited to have your turn, but interrupting people is rude. What do you say?” Jeremy gently scolded.

“Sorry!” Suzy chirped.

Phineas smiled. “Hey, no worries. Anyways, we’d better rig a teleporter so we can get to St. Louis. Which is kind of a strange place to choose a hideout. I was so certain we were going into space again.”

Doofenshmirtz on the St. Louis bus system!

“Yes, I’m just a guy who’s a sucker for the sounds of mass transit!” Heinz sang, a little too loudly. Perry looked around, but nobody was showing signs of wanting to throw them off the bus and slapping a lifetime ban on top of the humiliation. “What, you don’t know that song? C’mon, Love Handel released this single after their bus turned over in Albuquerque back in ‘93! It perfectly describes the frustrations and weird things that happen when you take public transportation at odd times of the day. You should give it a listen sometime.”

“Okay, okay. No need to shove me. Or lightly tapping me, in your case. I can walk.” Candace carefully nudged Meap off her leg and pushed the child safety gate open, which apparently led to the mastermind of the entire operation.

Honestly, she was so much more irate at her phone being nothing but a smoking hunk of silicon and sparkly rainbow goop, courtesy of Meap. Her mom was not going to be happy about this.

“Sit down, Candace Flynn,” the figure in the office chair rasped.

Candace rolled her eyes as she obliged his request. Couldn’t she have been kidnapped by someone with a little more originality?

“So, you’ve been living the good life. Without a regard for those you’ve tossed aside.”

She shrugged. “Meh, I’ve been pretty unsuccessful at busting all summer. I don’t know if that qualifies as your definition for a good life. So, how do you know my name?”

“I see you’ve already forgotten. Very well. You already know me as-agh, this chair deserves the furnace more than the other one!”

Candace pitied him. She truly did.

“I can’t do a dramatic reveal cause my limbs don’t have the length needed for this. Do you mind turning me around?”

Candace spun the chair around, gasping when she recognizing the ugly, mottled lovechild of a cow and frog.

“IT IS I, SEÑOR FRAWG! MWAHAHAHA!” he cackled, then cleared his throat. “Seriously though, just call me Frawg. The señor part makes me sound like an uncle that nobody in the family ever talks about cause he’s a weirdo or something.”

Candace screamed at the top of her lungs, shattering all the glass in the state of Missouri and causing the glassblower shops in the area to go out of business.

TO BE CONTINUED

DUN DUN DUN

#phineas and ferb #candace flynn #fanfiction #phineas flynn #ferb fletcher #canderemy #evil suzy johnson #isabella garcia-shapiro #buford van stomm #baljeet tjinder #meap me in st.louis

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