#meanwhile my mental health took that hit from decades of trying to ACT like everybody else
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Today has been one of those "Sorry! I couldn't hear you over the texture of my socks" days.
#autistic#actually autistic#audhd#it's so embarrassing!!!#like yes i care and yes i was listening but also no i have no idea what you just said#getting diagnosed gave me permission to admit what's REALLY wrong and also do shit outside social norms to make it suck less#but it also makes me look “weird�� to non autistic people (and past me who wasn't diagnosed til my 30s)#I can remember past me saying that I couldn't be autistic because I don't do [thing] (I was powering through and suffering)#It's like... I have a mild allergy to a couple foods but didn't know for YEARS so I'd eat whatever and either suffer or take benadryl#then well into adulthood one of my friends was listening and was like DUDE YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO THAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME!???#doctor had me change my diet DRASTICALLY but the constant itchiness and sore throat and stomach pain went away#but sometimes people act weird or put out when I ask questions or refuse food#sometimes people lie and say a food is safe when it's SUPER not and then I'm having an allergic reaction on the way home#my body is permanently damaged because of decades of trying to eat like everybody else#meanwhile my mental health took that hit from decades of trying to ACT like everybody else#I'm sooo much happier now with my safe foods and silly fidgets and good textures AND I can live an active life!#but sometimes people give me funny looks when I ask for the grill to be cleaned or don't like a new shirt because it makes me anxious#hell the other day a dude gave me a weird look (and I overheard shit they said) because I HAPPY STIMMED at Hot Topic (Hazbin merch)#meanwhile my friends love my stimming because its the “Jamie barometer”#my (best friend's) mom says the biggest compliment to her cooking is when she can hear me foot tapping under the table#so... yeah#a diagnosis is permission to be me and have a better life at the cost of dealing with assholes because I'm not masking or lying anymore#bluewind talks#holy journal entry batman!#did NOT intend the tags to turn into... whatever the fuck this is XD#but if for some reason you read this far? I hope you found something in it that made you think or made you smile (if not hi anyway! ^_^)
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