#meant to have this out sooner but backgrounds intimidate me lol

[boxfullaturtles]

did a really basic sketchy layout of the VIP family room of the Hidden City hospital from Adagio in Green, day and night versions just to show the stuff in the room that glows, as well as where exactly the boys are in relation to each other

CJ and Splinter sleep on the couches in the back of the room by the magic window

and here's some close-ups of the boys just because

[kaeyats]

SAGAU,, the archons read your fanfiction

inspired by this imagine by @anemoarchonhoe. your self-indulgent genshin fanfiction starts spawning in teyvat as holy scripture. even more embarrassing is that your acolytes treat it like records of your past lives.

reader's gender is not specified, as with most of my works. requests and imagines in my ask box are appreciated, but will take a while. :D

warnings: cursing, lots of innuendos, humiliation lol

you didn't know what to expect when you stepped inside the wangsheng funeral parlor to visit two of your favorite genshin impact characters. however, amongst the many possibilities in your head, it was not this.

morax, or zhongli as he liked to call himself these days, sat in complete silence, investing all his attention and senses into the book he was currently reading. he hadn't even noticed your presence in the room which was entirely unusual for him as one of your most attentive acolytes. but you didn't find yourself minding as much as you thought you would, especially when zhongli was making such.. intense facial expressions every passing second.

"oh, how scandalous.." he quietly mumbled to himself. if there had been any background noise at all, you wouldn't have heard it.

"'li? are you perhaps reading a light novel?" you finally spoke out, after probably watching zhongli read for 20 minutes. you tried preventing your laughter when the former geo archon jumped at the realization of your presence, but alas, it was too unusual of a sight and you couldn't help but laugh out loud.

"ah, i apologize for not noticing you sooner, your grace. i was simply investing myself in your scripture."

"it's fine, really. what do you mean by 'my scripture' though? i don't recall writing any holy bibles." you observed the book in his hand, the blank cover a lot more interesting with the newly given context.

"i meant the records of the previous lives we've shared. i was pleasantly surprised to find out that i acted the same way i do now. although i must say, i didn't expect you to be so nervous to approach me."

"the what-? wait, let me read that." zhongli offered you the book, complying with your every command like he always did. without wasting another second, you read through the pages, your stomach dropping as you realized what he had been reading.

"you- you weren't supposed to see this!" you choked, face contorted into a look of humiliation and shock.

"oh? i truly do not mind. in fact, i feel flattered to have been chosen by you in my past life as a mortal."

zhongli continued, the more he spoke, the more you wanted to melt into a muddle and disappear from the face of the earth. "as for the more intimate moments, i also do not mind, though i never imagined myself to be so... rough. if it is what you find pleasing then i do not mind trying again in my current form."

if you didn't feel embarrassed a few moments ago, you sure were now. curse you modern au zhongli smut!!

hanging out with ei was always a pleasant occasion. yes, the god was ignorant to the running trends of teyvat and even more so to the trends of earth, but that was the appeal of it. you found her ignorance to be quite charming in a way. it didn't take away her competence as a god and it definitely didn't make her any less intimidating, but you found it refreshing (and hella hilarious).

in inazuma, your godly existence was never neglected. everytime you stepped out of the crux into inazuma, there would already be all kinds of decorations in the streets with dozens of guards waiting by the harbor and hundreds more people anticipating your arrival. today wasn't any different as you stepped into the harbor, only one key detail, ei wasn't there.

the thought had you dizzy in worry. she was usually so.. commited to you. and that sounded self-centered as all hell, but it was simply the truth. ei was the embodiment of consistency and loyalty, so it shocked everyone when she wasn't in the harbor to welcome you. you wasted not a second and headed straight for the grand narukami shrine.

you found yourself in the plane of euthymia for the very first time, stunned as to how massive it looked in real life. "i'm not angry or anything, but it was very out of character of you. is there anything wrong? are you fine or...?"

"no, everything is fine, your grace. i just do not wish to hurt you any longer. the guilt of my actions have finally settled in. and i can not feel any more remorseful than i do now."

"hurt me? when have you ever-"

"i have read of what i have done in the previous life we have shared together. my actions were absolutely preposterous! i wouldn't have chosen anyone over you, especially since we spent so many years growing up with each other." you could say nothing at the face of ei who truly sounded hurt and looked like was distressed beyond words.

"ah fuck, this is about the fanfics again, isn't it?"

safe to say, ei went from crying mess to blushing mess when you explained to her that the book she was reading was simply but a fictional story you wrote back then. and yes, you spent about 30 minutes explaining to ei that it was like a light novel because that's the only basis she had for such things.

you were out on a friendly date with kaeya and rosaria inside the angel's share that night. you were still wary of drinking anything with alcohol, scared of confessing anything about any of the genshin characters that you might regret. so you settled with drinking grape juice instead and still had a merry time with the two troublemaking alcoholics. the atmosphere around you was still a bit tense though, the people of mondstadt still not used to your casual behavior while being the all-creator. all eyes were on you and you felt it.

in a quest to break the tense atmosphere, venti hopped on top of a table (despite diluc's angry protests) and plucked his harp with a gentleness that was out of character for the bard. for the first time that night, the attention left you you and all eyes were on the anemo archon.

your relief hadn't lasted long though because the tale that venti told that night, was eerily similar to one of your 5wirl fanfiction. he sang of the creator, specifically using your given name, pining for himself in another life, one in which he had been a famed idol of some kind. he sang of the details of your inappropriate endeavors, repeating in his lines how much you enjoyed the many uses of his mouth.

sooner and later, kaeya started laughing and wheezing like a mad man, hitting your back in a teasing manner and rosaria looked at you with a smirk and a teasing glint in her eyes. but what annoyed you the most was the green bard who looked absolutely smug as he winked at your blushing face.

"fuck it, pass me a bottle of dead after noon, charles."

as soon as he finished his song, you dragged him out of angel's share, already a bit tipsy on the strong alcohol you had started drinking ever since he started exposing "holy (unholy) scriptures" to the rest of the world. you looked absolutely agitated, but venti couldn't erase the smile on his face. as you two left, the whole room snickered and smirked with knowing looks on their faces.

[clairekatswritingcorner]

As Many Times As You Want

Word Count: 2,146

Summary: He doesn’t have a lot of experience with love, and as far as he knows, neither does she. But as much as he wants to confess his feelings, he’s more afraid of losing her if she rejects his affections.

*Author’s Note*: Another commission for @bad-blue-moon-rising. Haven’t done a confession fic in a while, so…I did one for this lol. That mutual pining and the uncertainty of the first few words gets me every time. I hope you enjoy!

This had been on his mind for a while, which was both a blessing and a curse. He thought it might be a good idea to prepare for such an occasion, to give it lots of consideration. It was something important, something that deserved that kind of reverence and attention. On the other hand, dwelling on it so much only made him anxious. It started infecting his every thought, distracting him even when he was supposed to be spending time with her. Every time he looked at her, he was reminded of his question, of this plan that had the potential to shatter everything they’d managed to successfully establish between them. He hoped it wouldn’t come to that…that’s all he really could do from where he currently stood. There was no seeing into the future, no predicting the likelihood of one outcome over another. Because he’d never done something like this before, and he wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about it, either.

He hoped she would hear him out if nothing else. From what he knew of her, that wasn’t an unrealistic expectation or wish. But what happened after that, her reaction to the words that poured awkwardly out of his mouth like water down a rocky stream, that was the great unknown. He’d researched enough about matters like this to know what his etiquette ought to be, how he should probably go about it. He’d take all the advice he could get, anything he could find that would make this process easier. No matter how hard he tried, there were still going to be some uncertainties, some variables he couldn’t rule out. That was an unavoidable, key component of situations like these, and it was almost intimidating enough to make him drop the whole thing.

But he couldn’t give up, not on her. Not after all she’d done for him, the fact that she was the one who gave him the courage to even consider doing something like this in the first place. It was all for her…well, in a way, it was probably more for him. Saying it that way made him feel conceited and selfish, like he was ignoring her feelings for the sake of his own. However, he wouldn’t have even begun to consider such an option if he didn’t feel there was at least a hint of reciprocation on her end. She’d given him enough to make him suspicious, to plant in him the bravery required to tread into this uncharted territory. If it turned out that he’d been misreading things, it wouldn’t be the first time. It surely wouldn’t be the last, either, but this particular instance would strike deep, and the pain would linger for much longer than it would in most other scenarios.

He wanted to confess his feelings for her; the ones he couldn’t get out of his head when she was around, and even when she wasn’t. She was his light, his inspiration, the center of his universe—what dramatic comparisons, but they were the first ones that came to mind when he thought of her. He couldn’t help himself, as much as he sort of wished he could. If things backfired, he might lose all the development he’d managed to accomplish with her thus far. She might not even want to be friends with him anymore.

He never got the impression she was that kind of person, but he also didn’t know a lot about her romantic background. From what he’d gathered, she didn’t have a lot of experience, which was a bit of a relief for him, since he hadn’t either. But maybe that was because she wasn’t ready, or because she’d never really been interested in anyone. What if he scared her off? What if he offended her? A dozen dizzying what ifs swarmed his head like a nest of angry bees. That coupled with how much he loved her…it was enough to make him sick. Lovesick. What an embarrassing word, an irrational concept…but he was starting to think that nothing else could describe what he was going through better.

When the night he’d decided to strike finally came around, he started to panic. He didn’t want to back out of their plans, to let her down like that. Maybe he’d end up chickening out, and would that really be so bad? Nothing would change, the comfortable dynamic they currently shared would remain intact. Perhaps that was for the best. It wouldn’t add any awkwardness or strain to their relationship, wouldn’t force Alexys to make any difficult or uncomfortable choices. Above all else, he just didn’t want to upset her. He didn’t want to make her think she had to pity him, or that trying to get close to her like this had been his dastardly plan all along. He just enjoyed spending time with her, and from what he could tell, she seemed to do the same. Maybe it truly was better to let things lie and avoid stirring anything up with his unrealistic hopes.

Could he really live with that, though? Things staying exactly how they were, which also meant his feelings would remain trapped in a perpetual and arguably painful limbo. Every time he talked to her, looked at her, just shared her company—he’d have to fight the swelling urges within him to hold her and kiss her and call her his. To have someone that he loved like this, that he cherished like this, it was a blessing he’d never expected. It was a curse he could barely endure. And if she did feel the same, but was equally afraid to admit it, how would he ever know? The pros and cons were like a scale, and endless back and forth tipping of odds; he was going to have to pick a side sooner or later. Sooner would probably be better. Sooner meant he was going to have to take the chance now.

“Alexys,” he got her attention, and when she looked at him, he froze. His breath hitched at her expression, innocent and unaware, so kind and accepting. She always looked happy when they were together. He wanted to think that was a put on, that she was just faking it for his sake, but sometimes…he saw her wearing similar expressions when she wasn’t facing him. When her focus was occupied by something else entirely, something unrelated and trivial, she still smiled like being with him somehow made things better for her. He wanted to return that smile to her a hundred-fold. He wanted her to know just how significantly she’d impacted his life, how much light she’d brought into his world.

“What’s up?” What a simple reply, a normal reply. He wished he could speak his mind that casually, that confidently with her. But he didn’t have a lot of faith in himself, if he had any at all. It was just a result of who he was, who he’d always been, how he’d always been treated. He couldn’t cling to negative things like that right now, though. Alexys had never regarded him or interacted with him in such ways, never treated him like anything other or less than himself. Her behavior was refreshing and relieving and new, and his relationship with her was one of the most meaningful ones he’d ever had with another person. Taking things to the next level…he could only imagine that things would be that much better. If everything fell into place, if this was how things were meant to be. If she was okay with things being this way.

“I’m going to try to keep this short and sweet,” Just like you he thought, trying to suppress the blush that was desperately attempting to tint his cheeks. “I know us meeting was kind of unexpected, and becoming friends was even stranger than that. But I’m glad that we did. I’m happy I was able to meet you.”

“Aw, Mister J,” the way she said that nickname pushed his blush over the edge, turning his face a bright cherry red. He loved it when she called him anything, hearing her voice addressing him had become so enjoyable, and so comforting to him. “I’m glad I was able to meet you, too. I’m sorry things started off kind of bumpy…but you have to admit, it’s not every day you run into someone who’s over seven feet tall and has shiny metal teeth.”

“It almost sounds like something out of a sci fi novel,” he added for her, and they both shared a lighthearted chuckle.

“Yeah, I guess it does,” she continued, twisting a strand of hair between her fingers before she started twirling it out of habit. It made him want to reach out and pet it himself. “At least this one had a happy ending.”

A happy ending. A happily ever after. That’s what he wanted for them, what he wished for with all his heart and more. This was going to be the deciding moment, his one chance to make or break that future for them. Of course, the outcome involved her, too…actually, she was the one who was going to decide everything. Either she returned his sentiment, or she rejected it, and whatever fall out came after that would have to be divvied up between them. He did love her. He had to trust that regardless of the outcome, he could believe in her, too. Even if things didn’t pan out exactly as he’d imagined, he needed to give her more credit. She had agreed to be his friend in the first place, after all, which was already a miracle in his eyes.

“Okay, so…” he swallowed, hands shaking slightly. He tried to hide them from her view; she couldn’t know just how nervous he was, how much he had riding on this single moment. “I’m sorry if this sounds weird. Or sounds wrong. I’ve never done something like this before, and I’ve never wanted to. I’m not even sure if I do now…wait, that’s not true. I know I want to, I just…”

Words, words, words. He was never very good with them and was even worse with the effects of his condition, even though it was a self-inflicted one. He’d never relied on them for much. He used them as little as possible, truth be told, and right now she was probably hearing him speak the most he had at one time during the entire stint of them knowing one another.

She could tell that something was off, that something was bothering him. Was he going to tell her he was sick of her, that he wanted her to get lost? She was always prepared for that inevitably in the back of her mind, a result of plenty of past experiences that had all ended the same way. Although she didn’t want to expect it from him, the man she’d unfortunately fallen in love with (if that was indeed the case), there wasn’t much she could do if it turned out to be true. She’d respect his decision, of course…and then mourn the loss for who knew how long, trying to patch the aching hole it would surely leave in her heart.

He cupped both sides of her face before crashing his lips into hers. She definitely noticed his shaking now, and she started doing the same. It was sudden and shocking, and she felt like she was soaring and drowning all at once. Fire and lightning danced at her fingers and toes, tingling in her lips as she did her best to respond with at least one meaningful kiss of her own. After a moment or two they broke apart, both gasping for breath. She could still taste the metal of his teeth on her tongue, but it wasn’t an unpleasant flavor. As strange as it seemed, there was a sweetness to it…that’s what it tasted like: love. Their eyes met, and they stared at one another, a little speechless, a little giddy. They weren’t sure they wanted to say anything and risk ruining the atmosphere that had formed around them in the heat of the moment.

“I think I love you,” his voice was trembling, barely a whisper. “No, no…I know I do.”

“I—” It took Alexys a few tries to swallow the lump in her throat. “And I love you. I can’t believe…I’m so glad you love me, too.”

“I’ve never loved anyone more than I love you,” he admitted, caressing her face. He smiled gently, lovingly, wiping a few stray tears as they rolled down her cheeks with his thumbs. “You don’t know how relieved I am to hear you say those words.”

She laughed breathlessly and threw her arms around his shoulders, squeezing him with the tightest hug she could muster. “I’ll say them as many times as you want.”

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #1 + 2

Alrighty, so I went to my first counselling appointment about 2 weeks ago, I should have written about it sooner cause my memory sucks and I’ve forgotten a lot of what was said but knowing me, that’s just how it goes lol. 

It was actually in a place quite close, right in the centre of a relatively busy shopping area but it is discreet in the way that the building does not have a sign disclosing what it actually is, just the address which is pretty neat. From the outside it kinda just looks like some office type/general job advice place and the general building interior was quite simple, new-ish and office-y. I was nervous going in, but not too much actually which was good. I had to tell the reception desk lady my name (but only the first time) which I was anxious about, but of course no1curr really and you have to sign in your initials in this list for a fire safety thing. There was a waiting area of course which I was dreading but I just fiddled with one of the games on my phone till the counsellor came down for me shortly after.

The lady I’m assigned to see is pleasant and cheery, she makes some interesting but simple analogies and points out and helps turn things around when I happen to say something negative. I feel quite comfortable talking to her for the most part, it’s just some odd few things she’s said that came across overly blunt and maybe a tiny bit offensive, nothing intentionally harmful and mostly about just informational or hypothetical stuff, but it just feels a little shocking and discomforting and uhh awkward at times. I guess the impact makes it more memorable and more thought provoking though, so that’s something lol.

The first appointment was just an introductory one, we talked briefly about my background and a bit about my financial situation which she instructed me to go to a place I could get advice (which I did go to later and well, it was an awkward time of waiting and receiving nothing new or helpful in the end, but I tried at least. I was wondering if I would be able to get some sort of financial support as I am not working but it kinda lead full circle into something I tried in the past and struggled with badly, so damn... but maybe I’ll try again some time soon.) 

I talked a little about my family and about my parents, my sister and how I feel not so independent, how I worry about what people think of me and that kind of stuff. She pointed out that I kept using my sister as an example of someone I saw as independent and functional, that I kept comparing myself to her and told me to think about the difference in age we have and the more time she has had, that we are essentially different and well just everyone in general goes at different paces and follow different paths and stuff like that. I mean I know this already of course, but it’s easy to forget when you’re in that hopeless mood, so I’m glad she mentioned it.

There was the stuff about not taking people’s words to heart and to just let it slide off as if wearing a super everything-proof coat and other general sort of cliche advice too. It’s nice to be reminded and to be told them, I will try harder commit them to memory. 

It’s a bit of a weird feeling when I say stuff and she asks me what I just did/said as to point out I was being negative or jumping into assumptions/conclusions. I mean of course this must be done, but it kind of makes me feel like a kid being talked to or reprimanded and I feel a tiny bit sad/intimidated or like Im going backwards for that moment. I also feel like sometimes things are going a bit slow or that I have to butt in to say what I want to, feels bad man. I do genuinely have nothing against her as a person or counsellor, I’m just hella awks.

Sometimes I feel like I didn’t want to say the most generic straight forward answer and so said something a little different, second guessed myself and well I feel like an idiot for it too. Like for example (not one actually used that day or maybe at all, cuz I forgot and am bad at making stuff up lol) when asked something about whose approval/support/opinion/etc of you matters most, the obvious/desired answer would be to say yourself but I get that really cheesy feeling and say something else like your friends/family or w/e idk... I just, ughhhh @^@” I mean it is true though, humans do look to others for support and approval too, it’s just that I probably do this or think I need this more than necessary aka. my dependent-ness, indecisiveness and fear of judgement reigns supreme.

My homework for the next week was to go to the financial/unemployment advice place (which I did with the help of my sister) and to write down what I would like to talk about/focus on in the next sessions. As I never write super personal things down out of paranoia/fear of someone reading and judging it was something I was reluctant and kept drawing up blanks about lol. I scrawled some generic stuff about becoming more confident and independant, less paranoid and fearful, to be myself and some typical goals like learning to cook and drive and all those kind of things etc. 

But... I also wrote that I wanted to talk about/learn more about AVPD, OCPD etc. The next appointment she didn’t ask me for the paper but I plucked up the courage to present it of my own accord. She went through most of it and we briefly discussed how we could go about these things, how to start to get there and what I could do. Such as for learning to cook, I said I could maybe use my sister’s kitchen (which I did and wrote a little about in my last general update post) and as for making friends she suggested I could join some sort of local hobby club of interest (this one is something I’d thought about many times already and is still kinda meh but maybe I just need to look and try harder), and we traded and concocted other similar sorts of ideas for things (which I forgot lol).

We also talked about my parents some and she agreed that they... are well, a ginormous contributor to my problems especially in the independence department, but she was kind enough to say she assures that they are probably lovely people, it’s just that I need to live for myself and not be constrained to their rules and so forth. It’s all painfully true and I know it, but for someone else to agree, sympathise and reiterate it to me it feels, like a bit of a weight has been lifted. Yeah, I’m an adult now and have been for quite a long while but never felt it, I need to push to do things for myself and by myself, then I’ll start to really feel like who I’m meant and hope to be.

When it got to the AVPD part I wrote down though... it was kind of... idk disheartening. I mean I know it’s no good to just pull out the name of something and present it like I know I have it, I specifically wrote it so it wouldn’t seem so much like that. But I’ve just been sitting on those inklings for so long and just wanted to know if it is actually relevant after all, to know what is wrong with me really, to have a real diagnosis after all this time, just like with my physical illness’ I just craved to know what it is, to put a name to it and have some relief.

Well, I don’t remember exactly what she said butI feel like it was a dismissal or semi-dismissal of it. I think she said something about her not being able to to sort of diagnose people for some reason or other, maybe that she’s not qualified to or idk. I mean she introduced herself as a counsellor so I guess it would kind of makes sense..? Until lately I was kind of unclear on using the word counsellor or therapist and still kind of am, because it seems that in some places or for some people they are one and same and interchangeable whilst to others and other places they are entirely different. I kind of see a therapist as the kind of one up of a counsellor, a bit more of a specialist or something similar. The word therapy on it’s own is just the sort of means or title of the treatment used by both counsellors and therapists though so there’s that too. Also some people choose to use the word counselling out of choice as it seems more softer, discreet, accepted and understood (this rings true in the case with what my mum and I refer to it as).

A counsellor runs brief and short term sessions focusing on improving thought and behaviour patterns while a (psycho)therapist sort of digs deeper into the subconscious and pasts of patients is what I have kind of gathered from some info online (may not be correctly described by me but oh well). I also read that some people mentioned that one of the criteria or factors for deciding which kind of person you see is whether you are already actively conscious and responsive to changing for the better (which if yes, would lead to a counsellor) or not. I remember the info on my problems I gave to the referral person was quite complex and even she needed to discuss what to make of it with a superior, but I told her of my own initiatives and endeavours to change and improve and maybe that was where the deciding factor lay.

I know I told myself not to have an expectations but well, you know that’s kind of impossible really. I don’t want to feel disappointed or to come across as ungrateful because this support and guidance I am able to receive now is definitely much better than nothing at all. Maybe I just need to give things time, see how it goes, build up my sort of mental report and rapport with her. One of the things that I was worried about is that there is a set number of appointments (10 to be exact, so short term which confirms this is counselling and not psychotherapy.) But she re-assured me that if we need more then it can be arranged of course when needed and to not to get too ahead of myself.

In a way it is kind of something positive though, to maybe know that I do not need something as intensive as they first thought I would (so I’m doing well in a way or not as bad as I think) but on the flip side I worry that all my much deeper set problems may not have a chance to be explored and resolved and it is disheartening all over again. Once more I think I just need to be patient and not overthink things, I’ve only been for two appointments, there’s still some to go and lots more things to begin to discuss.

I was supposed to have my third appointment this week but it got cancelled this morn, but I don’t mind and the next one is just a few days away so it’s okay.��I was actually kind of feeling reluctant/nervous due to it being a diff day from all the others set too so it was a bit of a relief lol and also it’s been quite a big step to go out so early and frequently (in my avoidant terms) and into somewhere quite busy and nerve-wracking and to think and get grilled in a sense or share so much personal stuff so intensely, I felt I definitely needed a breather.

Thinking and writing these posts totally drains me too and I always have migraines which only makes things harder to boot, but I’m doing it, yay for me! :D Hmm... I’m not sure what else to write now, I think I got most of what I remember and most of what I wanted to say down. 

I want to write something like ‘I hope I don’t come across as an ass’ and I think I already did earlier lol but this is me thinking about being judged by others again (and usually when people defend themselves for something it ends up backfiring or being hypocritical so never mind haha). I shouldn’t have to think about whether someone will judge me or not, or to soften my words or feelings. I don’t want to lie or ever pretend to be someone I’m not either. I gotta learn to keep being true to myself and to know that as long as I see myself for who I really am and know I am, then it doesn’t matter what other people say or think.

Alright, I think I’ve found a good place to finish this post now. Ending on a sort of confused and odd but self-encouraging note so to say haha. I’m still kind of conflicted and anxious but I need to just relax a little and let things just unfold at a slow but steady pace as they will.

I’m gonna try do some relaxing stuff and then some productive after if I can now ^^ I hope next time’s post will be a little brighter haha~

Remember to keep encouraging and supporting yourself, to just be you and of course, to have an awesome day~! C: