#me. i woke up at 9 and tried to do breathing exercises for two whole hours with my head pressed to the mattress

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (1/17)

Summary:  "Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn't exist. Everything is a choice." At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him."

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn't.

Note: This has been sitting on my computer untouched for a while, along with the timeline I prepared for a multichapter fic. Will probs go back to it soon. Feedback is very much appreciated.

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

Link to cross-postings: AO3

In dreams people only see faces they already know.

It was an interesting fact Levi had probably come across, lazily scrolling through his social media timelines or opening countless tabs after getting into some Wikipedia blackhole in between the long days of schools and the short nights asleep.

He spent a fair amount of time on the internet, reading up about whatever bullshit politics came up with, controversies and bathroom reader fun facts. During his first year of college, it had stuck to him for a time. Maybe because it just seemed too unrealistic, too unbelievable.

After all, ever since he had started college, he felt like he had been dreaming of more and more unfamiliar faces. It could have been attributed at least to the fact that he was exposed to more people in a crowded city than he had been in the small town he grew up in. As time went by, these faces he barely recognized though, had become the main actors in his dream.

The long haired boy with the elvish features. The man with the clean cut appearance and a glint of mischief in his eyes. The oriental girl with subtle European features. The cheeky girl with a beat up pair of glasses and unkempt hair.

They and many others had been regulars in his dreams and Levi had come up with names for them already, names he remembered muttering, names he screamed multiple times in his head. By the time he woke up to the four walls of his bedroom a few hours before his first class, they were vague memories, only as intelligible as his view of the world right after waking up.

Some mornings, he had found himself more exhausted than when he had slept. Some mornings, he found his throat sore from screaming. Some days, his eyes were swollen from crying.

He lived alone in a dormitory and he had wanted to infer that it had been homesickness that had made those nightmares possible. He had never really abhorred being alone though, in fact he liked the privacy that came with having his own room.

He quickly shot down that theory and did not think too much about it soon after. His daily life did not give him too much time to ponder such fleeting and abstract of a concept as dreams in between lessons and training.  

The dreams never left him, some days they were more vivid than others. After a few years of navigating academics, trainings, and obligations, Levi had gotten used to brushing off that one tear he’d get as he woke up, taking a lozenge to soothe the sore throat or just leaving the lights off in his room to alleviate the pounding headache he would get some mornings.

Daily life and obligations never did allow him the time and space to ponder too much on those dreams. Levi chalked it up to stress and unexplained trauma, easily soothed by ten minutes scrolling through social media or hours reorganizing his room for the third time that week.

Financial and time constraints made it impossible as well to even consider consulting about it and Levi found himself compartmentalizing those dreams into those few hours of sleep he got at night and the one hour he allowed himself each day to adjust to the waking world.

The line blurred one night though when one of those names was nonchalantly mentioned among others.

"Hange Zoe..."

It was just one name in a list recited by their coach before they were all dismissed for the evening. Sandwiched between a few other names before and after it, it wasn't supposed to stand out like that. Oddly, it did.

As Levi rode his bike to his dormitory room after a tiring day of training, he found himself repeating that name again and again. He tried to make sense of the odd familiarity which came with a name he could have sworn he had never heard before.

A family friend? A childhood friend?

Levi entertained those possibilities. Having grown up in a small town, his family friends and childhood friends consisted of everyone in that tight knit community and he could have listed out all their names then and there. She wasn’t part of it.

To at least, satisfy his own curiosity, Levi had sent a message to his parents before going to sleep. Just in case he had met her before.

Levi woke up the next morning, his throat a little scratchier, his body a little more tired. The first thing he did was check his phone.

Hange Zoe wasn’t a family friend.

Levi put the covers over himself and closed his eyes. His head was pounding and his chest was heavy. He had only noticed a moment later that his eyes were wet, his breaths were coming out in heaves.

What did I dream about this time?

Levi needed the whole morning to recover.

                                  A Tale of Two Slaves

Levi managed at least to drag himself out of bed for afternoon training. By then, others have already started warming up. Levi wondered if he would be able to carry his body through a warm up jog, given his state only a few hours ago.

In the end, getting the jog done became a matter of discipline more than anything else and he had finished well above everyone else.

He had always been faster, given his smaller build and he had the natural muscle and athletic skill to be versatile as well. That was what made him stand out as the best athlete in the track and field team. He never cared too much either way about the admiration many of his teammates held towards him.

The recurring nightmares and the aftermaths of these though had left Levi averse to human interaction. Ironically, as he moved away from his small town and into the bigger city, his world had gotten smaller. Levi found himself keeping his world only wide enough to win track and field events and pass classes.

No man could really ever be an island though, no matter how much they try. Levi soon found that out when he saw that aforementioned Hange Zoe on the side of the track, talking to one of their coaches.

“This is Hange Zoe.”

“You can call me Hange.”

Levi did not need that quick introduction his coach had just given him. Somehow, the name and the face just clicked inside him. He looked expectantly at his coach and back at Hange.

Hange held out her hand to him and smiled. “I heard you’re the best one in the team. Coach Greg spoke highly of you.”

Levi narrowed his eyes at her. “What's she doing here?”

“Didn’t I tell you last time? Some of the premed students wanted to do case studies on athletes here for their final thesis. If you could help them out?” The coach turned to Hange. “Levi here is one of our best jumpers. He holds a pretty good record for sprinting, hurdles and throwing events as well.”

“Your jogging form looks amazing! I’d love to see you in action.”

Levi was not prepared for the invasion of privacy that came a second after. Hange held both of his hands towards her and leaned closer towards him. Before Levi could even stop himself, he had pushed her away and ran, the screaming of his coach to come back had become mere muffled screams in the background.

The only reason Levi did drag himself to training was for the fact that it was still one of the few hobbies he found complete calm yet complete liberation in. Those few moments after launching himself up in the air, those magical few moments high up in the air with only the empty sky above him, Levi felt free.

As Levi powered through, he found within him a burst of energy, built up from an idle morning cooped up in his room.

He had done those same drills so many times before. The excitement he got from flying through the air and running easily took over whatever exhaustion and rattledness plagued him only a second ago. He let his body memory guide him through each drill, concentrating his consciousness on other things like the cool wind on his skin as he shot through the track and the purple sky that stretched above as he performed horizontal jumps.

If Levi had been any more aware of his surroundings, he would have noticed his teammates leaving the track one by one. Maybe, he would have noticed as he started moving to the hurdles that the purple sky was slowly turning into a dark blue and the scenery around him was becoming just a little more than shadows.

It was nothing new. Levi had stayed behind to work on other skills multiple times and his coach and teammates had just learned to leave the club room open. Levi would leave an extra thirty minutes to an hour later than his companions,

At that training though, with little incentive to break away from that small bubble he had built for himself, not  a lot of things could have broken his concentration. Fifteen minutes into his hurdles exercises, the distraction came. Levi was raising one leg, positioning himself to jump a hurdle when he caught a shadow from his peripherals.

Someone had been watching him in the dark.

He was alone. Or he was supposed to be alone at least.

The combination of those realizations and the exhaustion that threatened to take over Levi only caused Levi to stumble on the hurdle in front of him and fall forward onto cold ground.

“Hey! You okay?”

It was that same voice from that same conversation Levi had walked away from just an hour ago. The voice was as loud and as annoying as it was an hour ago that even when his shadow was still a good few meters away, Levi remembered how it felt with her forehead once again pressed on his and her grip on his two hands.

Levi was frozen on the ground, his body still in shock at the sudden loss of control and the whiplash of what he had just imagined.  

“That looked painful.” Her voice was softer than it was a second ago. Hange put her hand on his.

Levi pulled away instinctively, and winced as his palms protested the quick action. Levi looked at his palms. In the dim light, he could see three long gashes lined up in the middle. Blood was starting to come out as well.

Levi was exhausted. The impact and the aftermath of falling on the ground, front first and the friction burns that followed, only further drained what was left of his energy.

By the time Hange helped him up by the shoulders  Levi was almost motionless, the small movements he made were carefully calculated for fear of aggravating the dull pain.

“Let’s get you cleaned up.”

                              A Tale of Two Slaves

“Sorry about a while ago… People say I’m just a little too intimidating  but I just get really excited about these types of things. You had such a good running form. You jump so high. You get a really good height above the hurdles… “ Hange gave him a consoling look. “Except that last one.”

Hange was closer to him than what Levi would have preferred at first. Oddly, he had gotten used to it quickly enough, particularly because he had no other choice.

The gashes on his palms were bloody and painful. With little to no means to bandage them himself, he was left to rely on the only person there and as Levi soon found out, she had problems with maintaining a comfortable social distance from people.

And she never stopped talking.

“Are the bandages too tight?” Hange asked, in between other ramblings Levi had tuned out.

“‘No.” The only words Levi had said since they had arrived in the club room fifteen minutes ago.

“Okay, let’s move on to your knees.”

Levi had not surveyed the damage himself but he guessed it was probably worse than his palms from Hange’s concerned frown.

“You’re gonna need stitches for this. The clinic probably isn’t open so you might have to go to the hospital… We could call a taxi and---”

“You’re a pre-med student, can’t you do it yourself?”

Hange blushed. “You trust me to do it?”

"A trip to the hospital will just be a waste of time." Levi admitted.

Hange rummaged deeper into the first aid kit. "This is gonna be painful though."

Better than taking a trip to the hospital now. Levi braced himself for it and decided to distract himself from the discomfort of the whole ordeal.  

“How does it feel? Flying in the sky like that?” Hange asked. At that point, Hange had started to talk more purposefully, as if she wanted to get a point across to him.

Levi guessed that it was all an attempt to distract him from the mini operation she was giving him. From his angle, Levi could not see the extent of the injuries, nor did he want to. The pain was bearable, although it was still much worse than what he would have considered a discomfort.

“I’ve always wanted to take a sport like that, maybe gymnastics, maybe figure skating or track and field? That’s the closest people can get to flying right?” Hange was asking too many questions but it was obvious she was not expecting answers.

Her words flowed as smoothly as the movement of the needle and thread he could see from his angle.

Something about the way she talked to him was comforting and eventually Levi had almost completely relaxed, the pain of needle to torn skin a distant memory. He lay back on the bench and closed his eyes, focusing not on her words but instead on the familiar warm tone as she spoke.

The sensation of needle to skin, the burning pain, the dizziness that followed. They were all too familiar. All accompanied by that familiar warm voice.

Maybe we should just live here together. Right Levi?

If we keep running and hiding, what will that get us.

Hange's voice tore into his daydream. “What do you mean? Are you running from something?"

[dragon-of-dreams]

Pieces

My Masterlist

 Part four to Cracking a Code; Previous Part

 Pairing: dark!Steve Rogers x Reader (fem)

 Warnings: Swearing, gaslighting, stalking, aftermath of noncon, noncon touching

 Summary: The next day can’t be real, can it? Or where y/n goes into work and gets hit by a strong sense of deja vu.

 Word count: 2k

 A/n: I’m so sorry that this a) took so long and b) has so much plot not much else, but well I promise it’ll get creepier next chapter!

 ~*~

The next morning you woke before your alarm clock, which was good because it gave you time for the world’s longest and most thorough shower.

And was also terrible because you woke up and it was still real.

It happened.

 The intensity with which you scrubbed down your body was straight out unhealthy and you only stopped when you realized how close you were to breaking skin. He’d hurt you, but you wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of hurting yourself over him. You were hurting enough as it was.

While that mindset stayed with you, you were also shaking the entire time it took you to put on clothes and get to the office. Leaving your apartment was harder than you had ever imagined it being. For the first time in your life, you could understand those people you sometimes saw on the television, who hadn’t left their homes in years. You’d give anything for a reprive of having to live what was now your daily life. You knew it wouldn’t end and hiding in your apartment sounded oh-so-appealing, if – in your case – completely useless.

You used the short elevator ride down to your apartment lobby for some breathing exercises, put on a smile for your doorman, and in front of the double doors leading out into the Brooklyn sunshine you froze.

You knew Steve wouldn’t be there to follow you around. No, he wouldn’t stoop that low. But then again, he didn’t have to. You were terrified as his words rang in your ears: Good thing I had Buck accompanying you home. As you stared out into the busy street before you, you knew without a doubt, in your heart, that Bucky Barnes, the fucking Winter Soldier, was out there waiting for you. Watching you. Never leaving you. You were fucked. There was no running away.

“Miss? Are you alright?” You turned your head to the porter approaching you from behind his desk where he kept guard over his proverbial sheep, unknowing that you’d been torn by the wolf already.

You forced a smile: “Yes, thank you, uh, “ your eyes flew to his name tag, “George. Work has been keeping me so busy lately I’m turning into the weird professor guy from the movies!” you laughed and George chuckled but eyed you worriedly. “I’ll see you later, Miss. Please take it easy at work today. Tell Mr. Stark to cut you some slack!” You smiled and nodded at him: “Will do. See you tonight” and with that, you pushed through the doors and the pit in your stomach. Out into the bustling life of New York City.

You didn’t look behind you as you briskly walked down the street to the subway, but you could feel Bucky’s eyes on you like the fog creeping in in early October. It was an all-consuming feeling, creeping in from the sea to swallow you whole.

But you kept your head up high. You weren’t a stranger to being afraid, to being bullied. You had been the smartest student in every class you had ever taken and men didn’t appreciate being beaten by a woman. You hadn’t backed down when you were a kid, you wouldn’t bow down now, not to Captain America and most certainly not to the Winter Soldier! You knew you were putting up a façade but if you didn’t you wouldn’t have made it out of bed this morning, maybe never have left it again, but that wasn’t you.

‘Oh yes, the times are changing and those boys better get with the program’, you thought grimly as you stepped into a subway car and crossed your arms, staring at the open doors, waiting for your shadow to make an appearance.

Bucky entered through the doors to your left. You almost missed him, but now that you knew you weren’t looking for blond and beefy but brunette and murdery it was a lot harder for him to play invisible. He was good, but you were better.

But by God was he confused when you approached him. “Good morning, Mr. Barnes. I don’t know what Steve told you about me, or what your involvement in all of this is, but here is what I am telling you: Fuck off. I don’t want to see you or him again, so make sure he gets the message?”

Before Bucky could reply you moved away from him and slumped down in between two elderly ladies, the perfect shield from anyone getting close to you. Even Bucky knew not to harass a woman in front of two NYC ladies. They’d beat him to death with their shopping bags. You smirked at the mental image you had created in your mind, escaping reality even if getting away was only temporary.

Once you were sitting, the pain you had ignored so diligently came back with force. Your lower half was cramping and sore and you wanted to cry from the pain of it, but no, not while Bucky was there. Not ever again, while any man could see. ‘When had you turned to hate men for what one had to you?’ you wondered.

Bucky disappeared one stop before the tower and you were relieved that he seemingly had realized how dead-serious you were.

The second you entered the tower, you were utterly, abnormally calm and finally stopped shaking. You didn’t have a plan yet, but you knew you’d have to get away, away from this place and Steve and all the pain he’d caused you. After all, you could barely move without hurting.

You could go and teach at any university in the country. They’d love to have you. All you needed to figure out how to quit without seeming suspicious. That was going to be difficult because Tony knew you loved your job. But you couldn’t tell him the truth. No one would believe you if you told them the real reason and you had worked too hard to now be labeled as a crazy fangirl/stalker-lady. You huffed. If only they knew who the real stalker was.

You smiled at your secretary, thanked her for the coffee she had bought for you on her way to work. You squared your shoulders and open the door to your office ready to start your day.

When you entered your office you were hit with a strong sense of déjà vu, you started to shiver again and felt all color leave your face. You almost dropped your coffee.

Steve was in your office again. But luckily – blessedly even – so was Tony. What the actual fuck? You cursed in your mind but tried to smile. It didn’t work judging by Tony’s expression.

“Y/n, are you all right?” he asked while crossing the room towards you. “You don’t look too good.” Before Tony’s outstretched hand could touch you, you took half a step back. “I think I’m coming down with something. The flu, I guess,” you mumbled.

“Then why didn’t you stay home?” said a sincerely concerned voice – Steve’s. Sincerely concerned? No, it couldn’t be! Your creepy-man-radar must just be off, right?

“I… I… I promised Jarvis to teach him about the code. I forgot yesterday” you murmured turning to the super-soldier, whose brows were drawn up in concern and he was leaning forward, looking you over as if to check for injuries or signs of your alleged flu. ‘What was going on?’

“Is there anything I can do for you gentlemen?” you asked. Steve smiled at you at that. His smile was stunning. So… open and kind. And WHAT THE HELL??? No! His smile wasn’t kind! He was your rapist! Except that it was. There was no denying that. If your entire body hadn’t been hurting maybe you would’ve started talking yourself into the fantasy that yesterday hadn’t happened, but it did. But his smile was nothing like yesterday. His smile made you want to trust him. 

“Well, y/n, I just wanted to congratulate you and Stevie here wanted to thank you for your speedy work. We were able to arrest 20 people yesterday because of the intel you decrypted.”

“Yeah? That’s great” you forced out and turned back to Tony, but your eyes kept straying to Steve.

“Were you working late again, Gaia?” Tony suddenly asked. Shit. Tony had been on your ass to get a life. “No, no, why?”

“Because you look, and please forgive me for being frank here, worn out and really sick. I told you to take better care of yourself. Work isn’t everything, you know?”

You were about to call Tony out on that, after all, he was famous for his work benders, but Steve never gave you the chance.

“Jarvis, when has Ms y/l/n left her office yesterday?” Once more he sounded concerned. ‘Oh, that bastard’ you thought. Steve knew - of course - that you’d lied to Tony. “At 9 p.m., Captain, 4 hours after her workday usually ends, Sir.”

You wanted to strangle the AI at that moment. 

“Well Tony, if you don’t mind I will take y/n home, then. She obviously needs to rest and I need to head to Brooklyn anyways to meet with Bucky.” Steve sounded offended that you’ lied, so righteous.

“Yes you do that, champ” Tony agreed, absentmindedly, not noticing that Steve had no right knowing where you lived. “Say hi to Buckeroo for me, will ya?” Steve nodded and added “Tony, you can’t work your employees that hard. We talked about this.” His voice was imploring, and a little disgruntled. What was happening?

“Well with this one it isn’t my fault” Tony replied flippantly as he walked to the door. “Take care of yourself y/n, okay?”

“Tony, I’m fine. I’m an adult, I can decide if I am fit to work or not!” You wanted to sound assertive, but you were rather aware that you begged. Tony just smiled at you and grinned: “What the Captain says goes, young lady, trust me it’s for the best.” And with that, he’d left your office, leaving you alone with your tormentor.

You were done for. You knew it. Steve would now pounce on you and break you to pieces and… fuck. You were getting wet. Your brain knew that this was a self-defense mechanism to your body, but your heart felt ashamed. There was no denying that the sex had ended spectatcularly.

You jumped a mile when you felt a gentle hand on your shoulder, ripping you out of your thoughts. “y/n?” Steve’s voice was soft. “It’s time to go home, come on.”

“Don’t touch me” you replied, your voice hoarse with unshed tears. 

“Don’t worry, I can’t catch the flu, you could even cough on me, doll.” Steve joked, as he took your coffee from you and placed it on your table. “Any aches, pains or other flu symptoms?” For the first time since Tony left you, you dared look into his face. He seemed so concerned that you couldn’t help yourself and nodded. “Yeah. “ You sounded defeated even in your own head. ���Both.”

“It’s okay, angel. I’ll take you home and take care of you.” Steve wrapped his warm, strong arm around you and moved you out of your office. Everything started to blur together, as he called out to your secretary that you were sick and he was taking you home and he moved you into an elevator and finally maneuvered you into a car. You let him. You let yourself be manhandled. You still didn’t understand what was happening. Where was the man who had almost fucked you to pieces yesterday night? At the thought, more wetness gathered between your thighs and you blushed scarlet as Steve got into the driver’s seat next to you. If any of the rumors about his enhanced senses were true, he’d be able to smell you by now.

As Steve pulled into the crazy Manhatten traffic he said: ”Bucky told me about your little argument this morning” His voice was so soft it lulled you in even more, “and quite frankly darling, I don’t appreciate the language you used nor how unappreciative of my protection you are. I know this must all be difficult for you, but there will still have to be consequences for your behavior,” ‘he sounds like a well-meaning teacher’ you thought confused. “but for today, I think you earned yourself some aftercare for taking my cock so well yesterday.” You felt like you’d been hit by a truck. Steve still sounded absolutely casual, but you froze at the slight mention.

His right hand settled on your thigh. “Breathe, darling, deep breath. It’s gonna be alright. I’m gonna take care of you from now on out.”

[sillyrabbit81]

Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC

Word Count: approx 3k

Warnings: Smut, swearing, slight Dom vibes, mentions of various kinks

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 7 Part 9

Part 8

"Ask me again," Liam said, stroking my hair. His eyes were hooded as he stared into mine. Liam's voice almost sounded like he was begging. He had heard me.

I swallowed. Did I still want to? Yes, I did. But the words were stuck now. "Do you have a condom?" I said instead. He pointed to a couple of packets on my bedside. "You're prepared, a regular Boy Scout." I tried to lighten the mood.

But Liam wasn't going to be diverted. "Do you still want me to fuck you?" His lips and chin glistened, wet from me. I wanted to lick his lips.

I didn't play around this time. No hesitation, I wanted him. "Yes. I want you to fuck me."

Liam's lips crushed mine, his passion seemingly not controlled anymore. I kissed him back with as much fervour as he had given me, tasting myself on his lips.

I reached between our bodies and found him. I held him in my hand, working him, feeling how hard he was. Liam gasped, breaking our kiss. He watched my hand as it moved. I wanted to put it in my mouth, feel it with my tongue, make him cum.

My arousal made me brave, and I had an idea. "Can I put the condom on?" Liam nodded. For once, it appeared he was the one who couldn't speak. "Pass me one?" He did. "Should I use my hands or mouth?"

He blinked several times. "Sorry?" He managed to say.

"Should I put the condom on with my hands?" Liam shook his head. "With my mouth?" Liam nodded. "Say it." I grinned, teasing and throwing his own words back at him. I opened the wrapper.

Liam took a moment, then his eyes narrowed, and his look was savage. He spoke with a deep gravelly voice, "put it on with your very sexy, very fuckable and completely filthy mouth." Heat rushed between my legs.

I indicated he should roll over, and I positioned myself between his thighs. This was the first time I had really seen Liam naked, not just catching a quick glimpse. I took a moment to take it in. He was so fucking stacked with great, thick, muscular legs. His chest was massive, broad and well defined. His pecs stood out, as did his lats which seemed to fan-out from his back like little wings when he put his arms behind his head. His abs were like a washboard, firm and hard. His classic v-shaped body was just, well, fucking amazing.

"Enjoying the sights?" Liam asked.

"Oh, yes, very much. Over here is nice." I said as I kissed one of his pectorals. "Over here is quite satisfactory," I kissed just above his belly button. "I quite like this bit here." I licked the crease at the top of Liam's thighs and continued down.

"Oh, fucking hell." Liam's whole body jumped. Sensitive area, I noted to myself.

I kissed his thigh and trailed my kisses up to his balls. I took one in my mouth, sucking gently and massaging it with my tongue. Liam seemed to hiss, and I looked up at him to make sure I wasn't hurting him. Nope, his face didn't look in pain. I watched Liam as I took hold of his shaft.

I let him out of my mouth, then slowly licked my way up his sex, along the underside, all the way to the tip. His smooth skin felt good against my tongue. I tasted him, salty but not unpleasant. Liam swore and breathed my name.

I checked the condom, put it between my lips, pinching the end between my tongue and the roof of my mouth. I held it there as I placed it onto the tip of Liam's erection. Using my lips, I unrolled the condom down his shaft.

Liam watched my every move as my mouth took him in. His eyes widened, and his jaw dropped as I nearly made it to the base of his cock before I had no room left in my mouth and did the last bit by hand.

"Where the fuck did you learn that?" Liam said when I finished.

I shrugged. "Uni," I said, trying to sound casual. My grin gave me away.

Liam made a half growl and half chuckle sound from his throat and flipped me onto my back. He took my breasts in his hands, squeezing them. He put his head between them, kissing them and feeling them against his bearded skin.

Then he changed position, his weight covered me, and I felt him against my entrance. He kissed me softly, almost sweetly, his tongue a tender probe in my mouth.

He put his face above mine. "Ready?" He asked. I nodded and kissed him in reply, pulling him closer.

He entered me slowly, gently, letting me get used to his size. He groaned in my mouth as I raised my hips and widened my legs to give him more access. "You're still so wet," he whispered into my mouth.

In a final thrust from us both, I felt our bodies meet. "Oh fuck, you're so tight." I deliberately contracted my core around him, holding him tight. I knew those pelvic floor exercises were good for something.

"Fucking hell!" He cried out as he put one hand on my hip and held me still a moment. With deliberate slowness, he pulled back and began to rock his hips. It was an agonisingly slow rhythm. He lifted his chest, rested his weight on his hand next to my head, and watched himself move in and out of me.

Although seeing him enjoy watching was, well fucking hot, it was too slow. I needed it harder, faster, rougher. I wanted it to hurt. I tried to move with him, encourage him to go faster, but he held me down with his hand on my hip. I tried to tell him I wanted more, but I couldn't get the words to form, so I did the only thing I could think of. I pulled his shoulder to my lips, and I bit him.

The growl that came from his throat made me clench up again, and I was worried I had hurt him. When my eyes met his, I saw they were dark with lust.

"So that's how you want it." He said. He grinned almost sadistically and roughly thrust into me.

"Oh fuck, yes," I called. Without pulling out, Liam lifted one of my legs and brought them together, forcing me to turn on my side. He got on his knees and leaned on his elbows over me.

"If you want it hard, then that's what you'll get." I was suddenly scared as I looked over my shoulder. His hair was wild, curls a mess. The first signs of perspiration were showing on his forehead. His eyes shined with desire. He looked sexy as fuck.

He didn't take it easy on me. Liam grunted with effort as he fucked me, the force of each thrust pushing me up the bed so much I had to brace my hands on the headboard. I rocked against him, our bodies colliding with a slap each time. One of Liam's hands reached between my legs, and his thumb made small circles against my clit. I felt myself get closer to the edge, but my climax was still painfully out of reach. I was so close.

Liam whispered in my ear, "you keep this up, and you're going to make me cum. I thought you were so fucking innocent, so fucking shy, but you're not, are you?" I shook my head. "You fucking love it. You love being fucked like this, don't you?" I nodded, words not coming out of my mouth, just incoherent, involuntary cries of pleasure and pain. The two sensations seemed to duel with one another, and the results were intoxicating.

Liam gripped my hair in his fist. He pulled back and exposed my neck, his thumb still strumming my spot. "Show me how much you love it. I want to feel you cum on my cock." He bit at my neck. It was what I needed to snap finally, and waves of pleasure filled me. Liam rode them out with me, and I could feel my orgasm milking him. "Fuck, that's so fucking good. You're so fucking good."

Letting out a guttural roar, Liam slammed himself deep within me. As my peak subsided, I felt his release. I watched, captivated as his body contracted, every muscle tight, a few beads of sweat ran down his face as he made his final thrusts deep. When it was over, the tension seemed to leave his body. He fell, spent and exhausted behind me, panting and pulling me close to his chest.

I wanted to stay in his arms and sleep. I'm sure Liam did too, as I heard his breath slowing, and he started to snore lightly. I wasn't sure I wanted to clean up his mess, so I kissed his cheek, and he woke up. "Liam, you better take that off."

He looked confused for a minute, and I pointed with my chin. "Oh shite, did I fall asleep?"

"Just for a minute," I said, smiling.

"Bloody hell girl, the things you do to me." He kissed my forehead and got up on wobbly legs, and went into my ensuite to clean himself up.

"Do you want to have a shower?" I called through the door, dragging my arse off the bed. My legs were a bit wobbly too, so I sat on the edge of the bed for trying to regain my equilibrium before getting up.

"Together?" He called out.

I smiled at the thought, remembering my earlier fantasy. "Sure."

He poked his head out. "I'll get the water going, shall I?"

"Sure, I'll grab you a towel. Do you want your bag?"

He did, so I got towels, and his bag then went into the bathroom.

My ensuite shower was big. Andy and I had renovated it about six months after moving in. The shower took up a whole wall, tiled with light grey marble in a herringbone style from floor to ceiling. There were two shower heads, one on each opposing wall. A tiled bench ran along the back wall, and there was a generous recessed space for soap and shampoo.

Liam had turned both sets of taps on, and the bathroom was rapidly steaming up. He was already in the shower, and I watched him while I pretended to get ready to go in. Liam's whole body was under the water, his head was tilted back, and his hand were in his hair, rinsing out the shampoo. His body was phenomenal with his smooth, lightly tanned skin and perfectly proportioned muscles. He looked so powerful, so strong, so determined, so fucking dominant.

He stepped out of the water and caught me staring. He stood there and let me look at him. I swallowed hard, opened the glass shower screen door, and went in.

The door was barely shut, and I felt Liam behind me, wrapping his arms around my middle. He sat on the bench and pulled me onto his lap. He kissed my back, and I let the heat of the water soothe me. I hummed contently, "this is nice."

Liam gave a short grunt of agreement. He let me go, put some body wash on my sponge, and washed my back before cleaning my arms and stomach. Then Liam washed my breasts, and I felt him stir. He couldn't be ready to go again. Could he?

Then he parted my legs and washed me there. Feeling exposed, I grabbed the sponge and told him that I'm quite capable of cleaning myself.

A smirk crept over Liam's face. "Back to being shy, are you? It's too late, Sweetheart. I know it's an act." Cue the furious blushing! "I don't know why you're so embarrassed. We did those things together."

"I know. It's not that. I mean, it is, but it's..." I sighed. I took a moment to work out what I wanted to say before continuing. "I get worried about the things I like in bed. I like just regular sex and making love with someone when you're in love. Sometimes you need that gentle intimacy, right? But I also like..." I trailed off, too self-conscious to continue.

"Can I wash your hair?" Liam asked. Grateful he didn't push the issue, I agreed and closed my eyes as he massaged my head. I wasn't thankful for long because then he said, "Tell me what you like."

"I don't know. I can't."

"I promise not to laugh."

"Or think I'm weird?"

"Unless it's necrophilia. That's probably over the line for me."

I made a face of disgust. "Well, it's not that." I drew in a deep breath. "I don't know. I like heaps of things. Some things are kind of BDSM, but not really. Others would be like a Daddy kink, but I don't like using that word. Some things are not that out there. It's just rough sex."

Liam was breathing hard. "Tell me more."

"I like hair pulling, as you have probably noticed" Liam chuckled at this and agreed. He kept massaging and washing my hair. "I like being told what to do, but in the bedroom only, I don't want it as a lifestyle. I like being called names, some degrading. I want to feel like the guy I'm with is strong enough to control me and own me in bed, but I don't want to always give in easily."

Liam tapped my bottom, indicating I should stand up. He got in front of me and guided my head under the water, tilting it back. I closed my eyes, and Liam started rinsing the shampoo out. "So I was right when I called you a brat last night."

"Yeah, probably." I conceded. Then I continued and couldn't stop talking. It was like a dam had burst, and it flowed out of me, shame retreating. "I like some pain, not whips, but I like spanking and light choking. I don't really like blindfolds, but I'm not against it. I like being tied up, not just with silks or fluffy handcuffs, like proper bondage tied up. I don't like being gagged. I like teasing and being teased. I almost always need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm. I like being in control sometimes, but not the whole time. I..."

"Ok, that's enough for now." Liam interrupted. "If you keep talking, I'm going to be wanting a round two." I looked at Liam, and he was very much on his way to being ready. "Do you shampoo twice?" He asked, not at all embarrassed by barring up. I was amazed again at how comfortable he was in his skin.

"Yeah, usually."

He turned me around and washed my hair a second time. "What about you? What do you like?" I asked.

Liam cleared his throat, "I tend to like being rough. I also like slow and passionate with the right partner. I've not done some of the things you mentioned, like the bondage stuff. I do like blindfolding my partner. I don't really like calling my girlfriend names. I'd rather praise them for the naughty things they do. I love watching a girl cum. I like the power in that. I'm not bothered by the Daddy thing, but I'd rather be called by my name. Call it the actor in me, but I like a bit of role-playing."

"I haven't really done much of that," I interrupted. "What kind of role-playing?"

Liam turned me around to rinse off. "A bit of the old student and professor," I smiled at that imagining the possibilities. "One-night stand scenarios, non-consent play, the 'oh no, please don't, but please do' game. Some name-calling in that scenario could be fun, actually." I nodded in agreement.

"Conditioner?" Liam asked.

"Yeah, then comb it through."

"I like doing this too. I like taking care of my girlfriend, spoiling her. Making her feel comforted and safe."

Liam got my comb and ran it through my hair. I thought he had definitely done this before because he started combing the ends first before moving up. Then I registered the implication of what he had just said.

"Did you call me your girlfriend?"

"Is that a problem?"

Part of me wanted to say no, I'm not your girlfriend; I just met you. Another part of me said it felt right.

"It's very fast."

Although I wasn't looking at him, I could imagine him shrugging before he said, "I know what I want, and I want you."

"You don't know me that well."

"Well, I know you're full of surprises. You're funny and kind. You don't seem to want fame or clout. In fact, that seems to be something you actively avoid, so I don't think I have to worry about you using me for a career. You have a career, and you're settled. Cole likes you. You're beautiful and sexy. You have amazing tits and a spankable bottom. And most importantly," I could hear the laughter in his voice when he finished with, "you're an excellent shag."

"Most important, huh?"

"Rinse," Liam ordered as he turned me around. "I couldn't decide if having amazing tits or being an excellent shag was the most important." He winked and finished rinsing my hair. "I feel like a 12-year-old saying this, but I've got to ask. Do you want to be my girlfriend?"

"Let's just say we are exclusively seeing each other, with me being your girlfriend probably on the horizon."

"I can live with that." Liam bent down and kissed me on the nose.

Part 9

[cinebration]

By My Rules (Quentin Beck x Reader) [Part 5]

Quentin explains what it means to be committed.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Epilogue  

Warnings: language

“I’d say that was a success,” Quentin said, unlocking the front door with a flourish.

You kicked off your heels immediately and stood for a moment, letting your feet go back to their normal shape, the cool floor easing the throbbing pain shooting up from their soles. Quentin glanced aside at you as he clicked on the lights in the living room and the hallway.

Hobbling forward, you threw yourself onto the couch, propping your feet up on one of its arms. A sigh of relief escaped you, the waves of pain lessening. The night had been long, and yes, successful, but a mild headache pulsed behind your eyes. You draped a hand over them, hoping that throbbing would leave, too.

Quentin leaned over you. “Feeling alright, sweetheart?”

You squinted at him between your fingers. He had taken to calling you that the whole evening, the word rolling off his tongue like it belonged there. Honey was reserved for irritation, like when you had spent too long talking to a handsome shrink who spent more time staring at your chest than listening to what you had to say.

“You can drop the act now,” you muttered, shuttering your eyes again.

He stepped around the couch and picked up your legs. Before you could react, your headache slowing you down, he sat down on the couch beside you, your feet in his lap. With practiced hands, he began massaging your poor soles. You wanted to protest, but his thumbs did wonders to relieve the pain concentrated there.

He had pulled free his bowtie in the car on the way home. It hung around his neck like a sleeping ferret. The top two buttons of his collar and shirt were undone, revealing a small patch of bare skin beneath. You found yourself staring at it before your eyes squeezed shut.

Shit, you thought hazily, I should tell him to stop.

You didn’t. With all you were doing for him, a foot rub was the least he could do.

“I am fully committed,” Quentin said, “to this performance, which means I’m fully committed to this marriage.”

You froze. Dropping your hand from your face, you elbowed yourself up to look at him. He glanced at you, blue-green eyes serious but not without a spark a mischief in the pupils. You tried to pull your feet away, but he maintained his grip on them, refusing to break his gaze from yours.

“What does that mean?” you asked.

“It means I am your partner in all senses of the word.”

Fear snaked up your spine. “What does that mean?”

He stopped massaging, a deep frown scoring his clean-shaven face. “It means I’m here to help you as much as you’re helping me.”

“I don’t think that’s possible. This entire scheme is my idea. The planning, most the financing, all of it.”

“For which I’ll be eternally grateful. Let me repay the favor with…” He searched for the word. “Small kindnesses.”

You managed to pull your feet from him, though you weren’t sure you had actually done so or if he had merely let you go. Drawing them closer to yourself, you stared at him, trying to read the look on his face. He remained utterly serious, the mischief gone, not even a trace of threat behind those beautiful eyes.

“I’d like to shower,” he said. “Would you like to go first? I don’t want to use up all the hot water if you need it.”

Frowning, you shook your head. He stood, flashed you a warm smile, and mounted the stairs to the second floor.

He’s playing games with you, you told yourself. The man thrived on creating chaos in others for his own gain. You couldn’t quite see how unbalancing you this early in the plan would benefit him, but then again, Quentin was borderline crazy, wasn’t he? Maybe less borderline and more actual.

Why am I doing this again?

Because you like the power, you reminded yourself.

Shit.

~~

Changing into comfortable pajamas, you removed the wedding ring from your finger and climbed into bed, clicking off the nightstand lamp. Faint moonlight slanted through the slats over the window, giving the room a silver edge.

“Sweetheart?”

Quentin’s voice echoed down the hallway separating your rooms. Suppressing the urge to tell him to knock it off—it would only encourage him—you shouted back, “What?”

“Newlyweds don’t sleep in separate beds.”

You tensed. Rolling over slowly, you stared at your bedroom door, expecting to see it open and Quentin standing there.

It remained shut.

A sigh of relief slipped past your lips. A little part of you, however, deflated with disappointment, the memory of Quentin’s lips on yours ghosting over your mouth. Knocking that thought away—had it really been so long since you’d been with someone?—you turned away from the door.

“Go to sleep, Quentin.”

“You’re no fun.”

What had you gotten yourself into?

~~

You didn’t need an alarm. Somehow, you were one of those people whose internal clock woke them whenever they needed it to. The wicked and the conniving never sleep, so you woke at 7AM sharp, your eyes fluttering open at the same time the digital clock on your nightstand changed from 6:59 to 7:00.

You felt groggier than usual. Something warm pressed against your back. The sensation wasn’t unpleasant, like warm sunshine on a cool day. It made you want to doze, the warmth permeating through you. For a moment, you thought it was your old cat, Cinna, but she had been gone for years now.

Cinna also didn’t have a man’s arm to wrap around you.

You glanced down to see said arm curled around you, the large hand holding yours to your chest. Breath tickled the nape of your neck.

Your warmth-lulled mind dragged itself from its stupor.

“Quentin!”

You flung the arm off, throwing yourself forward out of its grasp.

Mistake.

You landed on the floor hard, your arms and hip taking the brunt of it. Pain flashed at the contact points, traveling up into your back and pelvis. Suppressing a cry, you remained still for a moment, letting the pain ebb.

When you glanced up at the bed, you found Quentin staring down at you, his head propped lazily on one hand.

“Morning,” he murmured. “Comfy down there?”

“What the fuck, Quentin!?”

He palmed a yawn. “I got up in the middle of the night to pee and I guess I took a wrong turn.”

Bullshit, you wanted to hiss, but there would be no point. Rolling onto your knees, you slowly rose, gritting your teeth against the pain.

He watched you sleepily. “Come back to bed. It’s early.”

“No.”

“Suit yourself.” He settled back into the sheets, eyes fluttering shut. “But you should get used to this. If people come knocking and see we don’t sleep together, what will they think?”

“Nobody will come knocking like that. God, you’re fucking delusional.”

His eyes popped open. “I’m a fucking visionary.”

“Get out of my bed.”

“Our bed,” he said, sitting up. “I’m your husband.”

“For the con,” you shrieked.

Eyes flashing, Quentin flung back the covers, feet hitting the floor hard, and stormed past you, pausing only at the doorway to snarl, “The sooner you fucking commit to all of this, the sooner this con is over.”

“That’s not how it works,” you shouted after him.

“Don’t take off your wedding ring again!”

Slamming the door shut and hearing an answering shut from his room, you sagged against it and stared at the bed, struggling to rein in your emotions.

He’s trying to exercise control, you thought. He can’t stand that you’re the one in charge.

You began to calm. You were more than capable of handling this.

Returning to the bed, you straightened the bedclothes. A stray thought struck you as you felt the warmth of Quentin’s body still lingering on the sheets: It had been nice to be cuddled.

FUCK.

[seagreen-meets-grey]

When Lightning Strikes Ch. 9

When your life is nothing but a cloudless sky, lightning can come and strike you so unexpectedly, you won’t even know what hit you.

Or: When Hiccup and Astrid meet, it is as if lightning strikes.

[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapter 7] [Chapter 8] [Chapter 10] [Chapter 11] [Chapter 12] [Chapter 13] [Chapter 14] [Chapter 15] [Chapter 16] [Chapter 17] [Chapter 18] [Chapter 19] [Chapter 20]

Crossposted on ao3 and ff.net

_______________

“Hey.”

His touch and voice tore Astrid from her thoughts and her mind blanked for a second. Up close, she could see the many freckles on his face and the strands of hair that stood in every direction. When she caught his eyes properly, she steeled herself.

“Hi.”

He started balancing back and forth on his heels, casually putting his hands in the pockets of his jeans, dropping the two packed sandwiches he’d just held. “I thought I saw you at the park yesterday.” He ducked down to pick up his food, coming up with a red face.

“Oh, right. I was…” – running away from you – “in a hurry.”

She watched as he absentmindedly grabbed something from a shelf next to him and ran his fingers over the print. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she registered it was women’s shaving cream.

“Yeah, me, um, me too. I mean–“ He put the item back and ran his hand over his neck and the gesture was so familiar, she wondered how she’d come to learn to associate it with him during the handful of times they met. “I was there with my friend, and… Oh my god, you met him, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what he said to you, he just doesn’t hear how stupid and obnoxious he sounds most of the time, and he doesn’t mean to, at least not usually, and I’m sure he didn’t want to sound like a creep or anything, and I really hope he wasn’t being terrible, because he can actually be nice, and I’m rambling, do you want me to stop talking, I can stop talking, I can – I’ll just stop talking.”

Maybe it was the awkwardness, the hands flying roller coasters through the air, and the genuine concern about annoying her, or maybe it was her lack of sleep from last night, but she couldn’t stop the amused grin from blooming on her face.

“It’s okay, I don’t even remember what he said.” She reached out and gently socked him on the arm. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

He exhaled in relief and properly smiled at her for the first time. It was that lopsided smile and the kind gleam in his eyes that still kept haunting her in her dreams and fantasies that she just couldn’t seem to ban from her mind, no matter how hard she tried. But she had to make peace with that. She’d had to accept that one of her favorite shows had ended in an, in her opinion, not so perfect way, and she couldn’t do anything about that as well. (If she turned a blind eye, the comparison might even work.)

“It’s been what, one and a half years? How- how’s everything? How’s um… How’s Eret?”

„Good. It’s… We’re good. He’s on a work trip.” Why was she so nervous? Maybe it was the effect of those green eyes and that smile that made her fidgety and stumble over her words.

He was about to respond when she held up her hand in an emergency decision. “Look, I have to go.” Didn’t need to make up a reason, right? “But maybe we can talk later?” She fished her phone from her pocket and created a new contact before handing it to him. “I don’t have much to do this upcoming week and since my best friend is on vacation in Europe, having a friend around would be nice.”

For a moment, he stared at the device a bit dumbfounded, then his fingers tapped a series of digits and he handed it back. “All your friends are on vacation in Europe?”

“No, just that one. But everyone else is kind of busy.” Did that sound like some kind of excuse? She hoped not.

“Oh, okay. Well, I’ve got work, but not all day, so…” Before he could start rambling again, he stopped himself by pressing his lips together and nodding a few times.

Giving herself something to do that didn’t include looking at his soul-searching eyes, she fumbled with her phone, opening up a new chat and typing in a simple “hi” and a friendly emoji. “Check your phone.” Looking up again, she gave him one last smile, then she grabbed the next best item from the next best shelf and brushed past him on her way to the door.

“Um, don’t you want to pay?” he called after her. Right, crap. The cashier looked up from his magazine at Hiccup’s words and watched her warily with narrowed eyes. Wordlessly, she hurried over and fumbled a bill out of her wallet on autopilot, taking the change and stuffing it in the pocket of her pants. Then she left with a quick wave over her shoulder. Hiccup was still standing there, holding his sandwiches in one hand and the other frozen mid-air in a waving gesture.

Only when she was back at the house did she realize she’d bought shaving cream with a raspberry and cheesecake smell. With a groan, she tossed it into her duffle back. She hated that artificially sweet stuff. She’d have to go back to the store to get what she’d actually come for tomorrow. Hopefully, she wouldn’t run into anyone else that she knew.

After several hours had passed and her phone hadn’t chimed once, she huffed and turned it off. Her heart shouldn’t be beating so fast every time she checked it for new messages. She wasn’t a teenager waiting for her crush to text her, although the sentiment didn’t seem too far off, her age aside. But she would rather punch herself in the face than admit it was true. If anything, she was waiting for a friend to contact her. Nothing more.

It was the only truth that she’d ever allowed herself to believe. At times, it sounded almost like a mantra she kept repeating, in yet another sleepless night after she woke from the same old dream. She knew that Eret could tell something was off with her, trying to concentrate on throwing these thoughts and feelings out of her mind and unintentionally growing distant while fighting her inner battle of guilt and stubborn loyalty to her principles. Whenever Eret realized he couldn’t get through to her during these phases, he grew distant himself, and it usually ended in either a big fight or a steamy reconciliation.

She guessed it had only been a matter of time until they’d end up where they were now. But she didn’t want to remind herself of last week, instead nudging her thoughts in a more flowery direction. Like to last winter when she went to Austria, high into the Alpines, feeling like she was in a whole other world. Almost touching the sky, her steps painting shapes into the white wonderland, the air frosty and revitalizing.

Then she came home, back to Eret, back to the life she chose, back to the routine that would slowly make her restless again. Make her feel like there was more to her life than Eret, although she quickly made herself brush that thought aside. For the most time, everything was fine and she was glad she married him. It was what she’d always wanted – a secure life with someone she loved and who she knew loved her, a life she was comfortable and familiar with.

But after a while, that restless feeling would return, and she booked her next ticket. Sometimes, her husband would accompany her on her adventures and they were twenty again, their relationship new and exciting. Other times, however, she went alone, glad to get away from it all. It was like a never-ending cycle of comfortable domesticity and the longing for more.

For some reason, sitting on her parents’ couch, waiting for a text from a guy she shouldn’t be so excited about texting, felt like another adventure, like that something more she was always desperate to reach. It shouldn’t.

She could feel herself drifting off into dangerous territory again, fields upon fields of what-ifs, throwing her about like a churning ocean as soon as she dared to step onto the soil. The only other pressing matter on her mind was no good alternative to mull over, though. It just made the ball of nerves in her stomach tighten until she couldn’t sit still anymore, so she jumped off the couch and went for another run. Maybe, if she drove herself to exhaustion, her mind would become pleasantly blank.

The exercise helped. Soon enough, she could hear her blood pumping through her veins, could feel every short breath in her lungs, every muscle in her body. Her feet were pounding onto the asphalt and dirt paths that lead her all around the neighborhood, until she reached the house again, panting and refreshed despite the sweat running down her skin. She felt right again, like everything was how it was supposed to be.

Only after she took a long shower and dragged dinner with her parents out into the late hours of the day, she turned her phone on again. It chimed, several new messages popping up. None from Eret. A few from Ruffnut, asking for a video chat. One from her assistant trainer, telling her that the Berserkers, their rival swim club from the next town over, had opened up a spot for Berk’s junior team to train in their swimming hall, the small one reserved for the swim club only. It was good news, very good at that. Not only could she finally go swimming again, but her team had the chance to train again as well, to get ready for their next meet with the Berserkers and Bog Burglars.

Taking a deep breath, Astrid put her phone away and rolled onto the other side of the bed, burying her nose in the pillow with the small smile on her lips wavering. No further messages.

_______________

The berries in Hiccup’s sundae were swimming in a sea of melted ice cream, splotches of whipped cream giving the sad picture a moldy flair. Around him, the sound of chatter and spoons clinking against glass provided his ears with white noise; not even the voices of his friends discussing some trivial matter reached his ears.

His eyes were glued to the little text box on the bottom of his phone screen, his fingers hovering above the letters of the virtual keyboard. The screen went dark from inactivity and his reflection stared back at him, adorned by greasy fingerprints in the shape of his unlock pattern.

“Hiccup, you still with us?” The sound of his name finally pulled him out of his thoughts. When he looked up, three pairs of eyes were looking at him expectantly.

“Huh?”

“You kind of spaced out there for a while.” Fishlegs pointed at the phone in his hands, trying to get a look at the screen but giving up when he saw it was dark.

“Oh. Sorry. I was just… Never mind.” He laid his phone next to his sundae and started stirring the warm, sugary soup with the long spoon, frowning at the viscous consistency. Just when he had brought himself to eat a spoonful of ice cream soup, his phone chimed and he dropped the spoon as if it were burning hot. It fell back into the sundae, splashing purple-pinkish soup on his shirt.

His shoulders sagged when he saw it was a text from his dad, replying to his last message with a simple thumbs up. With a sigh, he went back to stirring his soup, ignoring the curious looks of his friends.

“Did something happen?” Fishlegs asked, concern lining his voice. “Are you waiting for an important call?”

Hiccup shrugged in the most casual way he could. “Nah. It’s just the old question of who’s going to text first, me or her.”

His friend’s face lit up in understanding, then went back to a slight frown. “I thought you quit online dating.”

“I did.”

Leaning forward, Heather pushed her empty sundae cup away from her and placed her elbows on the small table. “Enlighten us. We want details.”

Hiccup sighed. “It’s not like that. She’s… a friend.” Heather didn’t look convinced in the slightest, her eyes boring into him like an aggressive x-ray. He quickly turned to the man sitting next to her. “So, Cam. How was London?”

Cam, a young man with blonde hair that went down to his shoulders, scratched his beard as he put on a reminiscent smile. “Not as rainy as we thought.”

“As you thought,” Heather interrupted him and set her eyes back on Hiccup. “And you stop changing the topic!”

But Hiccup kept his attention stubbornly on Cam. “Heather mentioned you guys saw Romeo and Juliet at the theater?”

With a wary glance at Heather who was still not done with the subject, Cam nodded. “The interpretation was a little unusual, with a lot of slang and modern topics. Not quite the classic Shakespeare experience, but it was a really funny performance.” He grinned. “During an intermission, there was this group of teens who asked me if I was related to Kurt Cobain.”

“What did you tell them?” Fishlegs asked.

“I wanted to spin some story, but then someone,” he threw a pointed glance at Heather, “butted in and had lots of fun talking about how I just needed a haircut.”

“You’re welcome,” Heather said in a sugar-sweet voice, prompting a discussion over Cam’s hair that Hiccup didn’t bother listening to. He was too pre-occupied with trying to find a nice way to draft a text message in his head. What was he supposed to say to her? Did she even want him to text her? Maybe she’d given him a fake number so he’d leave her alone. Despite the warm weather, he suddenly felt cold.

“Earth to Hiccup, you’re doing it again.” Apparently, Hiccup’s crisis over texting a girl was more interesting than Cam’s Kurt Cobain hair. Such a pity.

Once again, the attention of the whole group was on him, and he knew that especially Heather wouldn’t give up until he told her what his problem was. He shoved his phone back in his pocket where it would hopefully stop haunting him, at least for the moment, and rolled his eyes. “Like I said, she’s a friend and we’re not dating.”

“Yet,” Cam commented but Hiccup pointedly ignored him.

“Then why are you so nervous about texting her?” Fishlegs asked.

Hiccup scratched his neck. “It’s complicated.”

“Why?”

One look at his friends and their attentive expressions and he realized he wasn’t going to get out of this so easily. He fiddled with the paper napkin under the sundae cup, ripping off a piece and rolling it to a ball between two fingers. “Because,” he mumbled, so quiet the others had to lean in to understand him, “she’s in a relationship and we have something like history, mostly on my part.”

“Oh,” said Cam.

“History?” it came from Fishlegs.

“What kind of relationship?” asked Heather, her eyes narrowed, the answer already in the back of her mind, poking at the surface behind a suspicious expression.

Hiccup sighed. The only person who hadn’t been there when the whole Astrid fiasco had started was Cam, and he didn’t feel like explaining the entire thing to him. So he just threw Fishlegs and Heather a meaningful look and clarified, “I mean that she’s married.”

“Oh,” said Cam again, none the wiser.

“Oh,” said Fishlegs, knowingly, and with a pitying frown.

Heather rolled her eyes. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Still?!”

About nine months ago, Heather had called him one night, and the next morning they’d gone out for breakfast and talked for hours. About them, their relationship, the past, the future. He had told her the whole Astrid story and she had listened. She had apologized for being so harsh to him, but she’d been hurting, and Hiccup knew that. She also told him about her recent breakup and it had felt like something heavy had been lifted off his chest when they’d talked it out and realized that after all this time, they were still friends. It was that day that Hiccup noticed the guy shyly looking at her from a few desks over every once in a while, his long blonde hair falling into his face.

“Yes, still, unfortunately. I can’t exactly turn that off, you know.”

“Stop sassing me, Hiccup, and tell us what happened.”

“Less than you think,” he said and recounted his two encounters with her over the past two days.

“Just that we’re clear,” Fishlegs started when he was done, “we are talking about Astrid Hofferson, right?”

“Yes,” Hiccup and Heather confirmed in unison.

“Who?” asked Cam.

“The reason Hiccup and I broke up.”

“Hey!” Hiccup exclaimed. “You know that’s not all true.”

“Weeeeell…” it came from Fishlegs in a high-pitched voice, prompting Hiccup to roll his eyes.

“She wasn’t the whole reason, just the catalyst.” He nodded in Heather’s direction. “And you know that.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever, it’s in the past,” she said with a dismissive wave of her hand. “Fact is, you can’t keep waiting for a girl who’s as unavailable to you as her. She’s married, Hiccup. She made her choice. Move on.”

“But what if she likes him too?” Fishlegs threw in.

“Then she’s still married. And it wouldn’t be Hiccup’s problem, it would be hers.”

“It would still concern him,” Cam countered. “And isn’t it his problem already?”

“Well, yes,” Heather said, “but it wouldn’t be his choice to make, is what I mean.”

Hiccup wiped a hand over his face. “Then what do I do?”

Heather shrugged. “Easy. If you still feel like you need to, you text her a universal ‘hey, how are you’ and then you move on with someone else. My brother’s been seeing this guy for fun recently, no strings attached, and it helped him move on from his previous relationship. Maybe that’s something you could try, just hook up for sex, without any hopes or expectations going in, and maybe you’ll find someone you really like.”

“You brother is gay?” Fishlegs asked, slight surprise coating his voice. “I didn’t know that.”

“Took him a while to figure it out, but yeah, very gay.”

“Honestly,” Hiccup murmured, “that doesn’t surprise me in the least.”

“Right?” Heather chuckled. “So, what do you think? Have meaningless sex and find some love?”

Hiccup’s smile disappeared. “I tried to date other people, Heather. It never worked out. I just can’t forget her.”

“That’s why I said go in without expectations, because you’ll immediately start comparing the poor girl to someone you can never have.”

“First of all, how is me going in without trying to fall in love with someone going to help me forget Astrid? Second, I’m not the guy for casual hookups. I want something real, and no matter on how many dates I go, no matter how much effort I put into moving on, I can’t find that with anyone else because all I can think of is her.”

Especially now, with the invisible weight of her phone number in his pocket. He flopped back into his chair, suddenly exhausted. He’d lain awake for hours last night, contemplating whether it was actually a good idea or not to text her, the tips of his fingers tingling from simply reading her name in his contacts and the simple ‘hi’ she’d texted him to give him her number. Which she’d done on purpose, which in return had to mean something, didn’t it? And she had basically asked him to be her friend…

Cam let out a low whistle. “Sounds like you have it bad, man.”

“I collectively only spent about six hours with her, and I fell in love with her.”

Heather huffed. “Oh, please. In love? What’s her favorite color?”

“Blue,” he answered quick like a shot. “But she also likes soft gold tones.”

“Did she tell you that or are you just guessing?”

Suddenly taken aback, Hiccup racked his brain for the memory and came up short. “I don’t…” He couldn’t remember her ever sharing this particular piece of information with him, and yet he was so sure that he knew. How?

“Look, there’s no logical explanation for why I feel this way. But it… It’s like…” Gesticulating, he searched for the right words. “It’s like I’m the land of the dinosaurs and she’s the meteor that crashed and changed everything. Like I’m a ghost town and she’s the magic that strikes like lightning and creates new life.”

Cam was picturing his words, Fishlegs nodded the way he did when reading and trying to understand poetry, and Heather just raised an eyebrow at the analogies.

“And now… Now I have the chance to truly get to know her, even if all I can ever get from her is friendship.”

Heather considered this for a moment. “You’re really serious about this, aren’t you.” He nodded with a grave smile. “But you don’t even know her.”

“Maybe if he gets to know her,” Fishlegs pondered, “he’ll realize that she’s not that great.”

“Maybe,” Heather mused. “And then you’ll get over your infatuation.”

“You’re always so supportive.”

“Hey, I’m just looking out my friend because I don’t like to see him hurting.”

“The same goes for me,” Fishlegs added. “If you think it will make you happier to text her than to cut her from your life completely, I think you should just do it.”

Cam fished his phone out of his jacket, pulled up a video and wordlessly held it in Hiccup’s direction. “JUST DO IT!” Shia LaBeouf screamed at him. Heather pinched the bridge of her nose in fond exasperation.

Fishlegs gave him two encouraging thumbs up. “Just text her hi.”

Hiccup looked between his three friends, ignoring Shia who was still screaming at him, and willed the ball of nerves in his stomach to go away. It was just a text, a simple electronic message that he probably attributed more meaning to than it actually held. He could still back out. Could resolve to hearing about Astrid and her life from Heather who’d know from Dagur who’d know from Eret…

But the prospect of a life completely devoid of her felt worse to him than just being her friend with the additional pain of never being able to be with her the way he wanted to, although that would go with the first option as well. So maybe getting to know her was the only way to go from here, since being without her hadn’t been of any help so far. And maybe, even though he doubted it with all he had, he would get over her as soon as he knew her better.

He took out his phone and weighed it in his hand for a minute, like weighing out his options, until Heather snatched it from him. “I still don’t like the thought of you getting hurt through this more than the other way, but…” She held the device directly in front of his face. “Just goddamn text her so you can get to know her and stop putting her on a pedestal.”

Taking a deep breath, he unlocked his phone, pulled up his chats, selected hers, and before he could overthink it, he typed in a simple ‘hello’ and a smiley face and hit send. Only a few seconds passed until he started wondering if perhaps he should have send more, like an explanation why he waited a day to text her, or his name because she’d already deleted his number, and that reminded him that this might not even be her real number and he was already spiraling.

“Did you do it?” He glanced up at Fishlegs who was once more trying to get a peek of his phone screen. Hiccup decidedly turned it off and shoved it back into his pocket.

“Yes.” He pointed at the warm ice cream soup before him. “And now I need another one of these.”

It was late when he turned his phone back on, the nerves in his stomach tangled like his father’s knitting yarn after his cat had declared it its mortal enemy that had to be defeated in a life or death encounter.

The breath in his lungs turned to stone when his notifications appeared. A couple new mails, ads from applications he never deleted, and a handful of new texts he skimmed with lightning speed. Group chats, colleagues, Snotlout, Cam with a Nirvana gif and the same old Shia video, and– the frown on his face turned into a wide smile. One new text from Astrid.

[hellishvu]

The Bad Softie: the sequel

— the long awaited part 2! finally had enough time to sit down and write an actual story :) i really wanted to post this story before i went to bed, so i will edit it in the morning!! please excuse any grammar mistakes as i am almost passing out as i write this message!

— where taehyung has the journey of finding his self expression with the help of you by his side.

warning: homophobia, bullying, and sad events!! be safe and take care of yourself <3

“Look, hows this photo?” You showed a photo of you and Taehyung at a nearby roller rink for a date. You wanted to post it on Instagram, having it small due to you generally not trusting a lot of people after what happened to Taehyung.

“You got my good angle this time.” Taehyung laughed as he had looked behind him to see the photo having his portfolio for the art school on your desk.

“What are you talking about? Every angle of you is the best angle.” You kissed his forehead as he chuckled going back to filling out the long application of setting up his portfolio.

“I have to go get a film from Jungkook. We are going to meet at the college.” Taehyung sighed as he stood next to you waiting for a kiss.

“Why are you just standing there?” You chuckled as you flicked his forehead.

“Hm? I’m not sure. Maybe this boyfriend is expecting a smooch? on the forehead perhaps?” Taehyung raised his eyebrow.

“Touché.. touché.” You kissed his forehead as he headed out to walk to the nearby college. You smiled as you waved.

Taehyung walked a very far distance, he liked it. Although it was sometimes freezing in the morning. It was the time to clear his mind, to calm him down, and to get that exercise that he had for his 2019 new year’s resolutions.

Taehyung saw those bullies, the one that constantly texted him day after day after he came out. The constant harassment that Taehyung despised almost every single day. The moment he woke up, you knew about it but Taehyung didn’t let you do anything about it. He didn’t want to give them what they wanted. Taehyung tried to walk faster pass them to avoid the hurtful words they had to say.

“Hey! It’s the faggot!” Taehyung winced at the name, the stupid name that haunted his dreams but rather they were nightmares. Taehyung picked up his pace.

“Not now. Please.” Taehyung pleaded feeling them come closer and closer; almost like they wanted to tear him apart.

“Grab him.” His old friend, well his ex-friend of Taehyung’s joined the group that decided to bully him constantly. They gripped him, Taehyung struggling as his camera fell out of his hand breaking on the ground. Taehyung held in his tears, as the memories of the cameras flooded in.

“Give us your fucking money.” Taehyung hurried to get to his pockets seeing no money and empty pockets. Taehyung prayed he had some type of money. “I forgot the money for lunch.”

“I don’t have any. I swear.” Taehyung said as he covered his face being scared of being hit.

“Yes you do, Taehyung you always have money, you’re like a peasant you buy me the snacks I want or else.” The bully slapped Taehyung across his face causing Taehyung to raise his hand up to his face seeing the tears fall.

“What the fuck is going on?!” You came screaming in pure anger. The rage you had experienced couldn’t be described as you saw all the bullies turn their head. You stepped in front of Taehyung as he started crying holding onto you.

“Get the fuck out of here and don’t ever speak to Taehyung ever again.” You spoke your words were venom. You saw the bullies run away as Taehyung sobbed again as you turned around hugging him tightly. You rubbed his back as you ran your hand through his hair to comfort him.

“It’s okay. It’s okay I’m here.” You whispered as you rocked with him hoping to calm his crying down.

“How did you get here?” Taehyung asked as he looked up you saw his red puffy eyes. You moved the strands of hair from his face.

“You forgot your money for lunch.” You snickered as you pulled the dollars out of your back pocket. You pulled Taehyung into a kiss. You wrapped your hand around his waist as you lead him to a cross-walk.

“Where are you taking me?” Taehyung asked sniffing wiping his last tears. You pulled him closer as you pointed at the sign.

“A ramen take-out place. Text Jungkook you don’t need the film. I can buy it for you.”

“But, you don’t have to. They broke my camera.”

“Oh, then I will just buy you another one. I want to help you Taehyung.” You smiled at Taehyung trying to help him forget the experience of what had just happened.

“Thank you so much.” Taehyung said in a shaky breath.

Taehyung woke up to the sweet smell of pancakes, the room is lightened by the sun in the morning. Taehyung yawned as he felt the fan breezing on him, you opened the door smiling jumping on him causing him to groan.

“Good morning baby.” You said as you laid on your back as you pinched his cheeks. Taehyung giggled as he saw your soft morning look.

“I have a surprise for you.” You gave him a wrapped present that you bought the early morning of today. You saw Taehyung rip into the present like he was a kid once again. You pushed the wrapping off to the side as Taehyung open a black box the suspense looked like it was going to kill him.

“Open it!” You said becoming impatient for Taehyung. He opened it to see two tickets to his favorite artist. You saw his eyes widen, as you expected a very big hug next.

“You didn’t!” As expected Taehyung hugged you basically jumping onto you causing you to lay down. You smiled as you felt his genuine happiness.

“When- How?! How did you get them?”

“I saved up some money plus you always talk about them and I thought you seeing them could help you.”

Those little things you did for Taehyung, whether he was too scared to go a grocery store from the anxiety of people, you make sure he felt safe and you made sure no person would lay a finger on him.

Taehyung had left the college he was first in. You soon enough leaving with him, it was self-care. That toxic place of just reputations wasn’t what life should be like Taehyung had thought. He fully immersed himself into art, whether it was trying acting, photography, or drawing. You supported him.

You drove him to art classes, photography classes, and acting classes. You helped him, you saw a man being free to become himself. When he got home from a lesson you would hear him go on tangents that you never got tired of.

“Oh god, I hope I’m not annoying.” You hit him on the shoulder.

“Of course you’re not annoying, Taehyung I’m glad. You get to experience this, you deserve it.”

“I haven’t turned it in.”

“What?”

“My application.”

“Tae-” The first 3 words, sounded disappointed and that’s what Taehyung hated so much. He wanted you to be proud of him and of the progress, he’s made.

“I’m scared, my whole life science has been shoved down my throat but what if I’m just not good enough?” Taehyung cleared his throat as he saw the corner of the desk being filled with pieces that he’s thrown out, crushed, or cut up.

“You have art, your way of thinking is so different and beautiful from many other people. You will become so successful with your art. You just have to put yourself out there.”

“What if they are just like the old college? Where I get harassed, degraded, and insulted?” Taehyung felt his eyes sting, the ripping of his confidence as the memories floods back in almost like an emotional tsunami.

“They won’t, I promise you. Most of the world nowadays are becoming accepting, they are just one rotten batch of apples. Your sexuality should never stop you from achieving your goals.” You held his hands as you pressed your forehead against his feeling his soft breathes.

“You deserve to be happy.”

“Thank you, so much. I will turn it in tomorrow. It’s all finished but it was just collecting dust.” Taehyung said as you kissed him embracing him.

“The letter came in, oh god oh god!” Taehyung grabbed it from the dinner table that you two shared. Taehyung gave it to you looking away from it.

“You open it! I can’t I can’t!” Taehyung paces around the room and finds himself biting his nails which he hasn’t done since 9th grade.

“Are you sure?” You ask as Taehyung nodded pointing at the letter. The sound of the letter being opened as you pull it out, opening the destiny of Taehyung.

“Dear Kim Taehyung, we are happy to inform you that you have been accepted!” You scream as Taehyung jumps in the air, grabbing the letter seeing the big bold words. Taehyung jumps on you as he wraps his legs around your waist as you kiss him.

“Holy shit, I’m going to my dream fucking school.” Taehyung’s mind couldn’t comprehend. It was like he was dreaming.

“Well, now we have to get you clothes! For your new year!” You said as you opened his wardrobe seeing just jeans and t-shirts. Taehyung always found himself at night when you’re sleeping looking at fashion shows of more unique pieces of clothing. He fantasized about it like a kid wanting to be Batman.

“Maybe it’s bland. Just haven’t gotten to that part of my journey yet.” Taehyung talks about it like its a sacred thing. He always wanted to wear clothes that were not just 2 simple pieces.

“Baby, you can order online. I will get it from the post office if you want me to. I want you to self-express because you have the taste of the 9 gods.” You said as you logged into your home desktop that you and Taehyung saved money for. You clicked on a website known for streetwear and gestured Taehyung sit in the office chair.

Taehyung went nuts on that day, at first, he got little stuff of pastels. Wore them but hide most of it under a coat. Later days went by, weeks also and he was wearing pastels. From dark colors like black, grey, and light greys to pastels like pink, purple, and blues. He had alternated, he likes his dark colors and his pastels. He didn’t need to identify with one set of colors, he was a free man.

Now the day had finally arrived, and the temptation of saying “No I can't do this.” showered Taehyung’s mind as he got ready for his first class. You made him breakfast that was barely eaten due to the nerves in his stomach. You drove him, letting him take aux to help him calm down. You arrived and Taehyung was looking in his backpack to see if he had everything he needed.

“You have been so understanding.” Taehyung smiled as you held his hand. You parked in the back as Taehyung’s new semester had begun. The art school that he dreamed of taking since he was 13. It was in front of his eyes, you opened the car door, Taehyung staying the car as he watches you walk around to his side.

You opened the door, seeing Taehyung look up before he takes your hand pulling you into a tight hug you rubbing his back.

“You got this, you’ve gone through hell and back just to not go Taehyung.” You smiled as you fixed the hat that he wore. The love in his eyes, as you gestured that he started walking before he was late to his first class.

a/n: the end! I hope you all like it, feel free to read this for authors mindset on this, so the reason I wrote this story was to explain the heaviness of coming out, especially if you have an anti-LGBT situation. we love you!! and please stay strong and love yourself! because you are beautiful and there is nothing wrong with you, no matter what race, gender, or age. you deserve to be happy.

[karasunonolibero]

2019 writing self-evaluation

so i did this over on my main last year, and since i had what i felt was a productive year, i wanted to do it here! i’ve included all works, from every fandom i wrote for, so there’s definitely a variety but also a clear distinction of when i stopped writing 1d and started writing for haikyuu, heh. anyway, i’m proud of all the work i’ve done this year, so here’s to 2020!

ALL FICS MUST HAVE POSTED ON AO3 IN 2019

1. Number of stories (including drabbles) posted to AO3: 50

2. Word count posted for the year: 147,038

3. List of works published this year (in order of posting):

two loves have i (5 january)

it’s only your imagination again (25 january)

the pain’s only temporary (8 february)

blow a kiss, fire a gun (9 may)

waiting to be found (14 may)

a swim with a shark (6 june)

sweet and lowdown (19 june)

one more time as if we planned it (24 june)

always be my thunder (23 july)

will your mouth read this truth (30 july)

tumblr drabbles & prompts (last updated 3 august)

I’m on my way up (’cos you make me bliss out) (completed 4 august) (collab with Rider_Of_Spades on ao3)

even mountains crumble into the sea (7 august)

we’re on each other’s team (14 august)

dangerous, tainted, flawed (20 august)

life can do terrible things (25 august)

the night before life goes on (1 september)

when the letter says a soldier’s coming home (17 september)

when the air ran out (19 september)

something missing tonight (21 september)

built castles from sand (26 september)

underneath the stars we came alive (8 october)

sweet talk and sugar (10 october)

got my name on this treasure (11 october)

just a little taste, babe (14 october)

iwaoi horror week drabbles (completed 1 november)

don’t let the tide come (31 october)

daisuga week drabbles (completed 24 november)

how (not) to put on a condom (26 november)

taste the tension, now i’m begging (2 december)

kiss the boy (7 december)

till tonight do us part (11 december)

i wish i could be there now (13 december)

on our way to twenty-seven (15 december)

for the dream far away (24 december)

a collar full of chemistry (25 december)

fall down and commune with me (28 december)

a little of love’s electricity (31 december)

the city is at war (last updated 31 december)

4. Fandoms I wrote for: (stats pulled from the ao3 filter feature on my works)

haikyuu!! (41)

one direction (9)

the legend of zelda: breath of the wild (3)

all time low (1)

crystalline (1)

5. Pairings: (i didn’t count side or past pairings)

iwaizumi hajime/oikawa tooru (14)

sawamura daichi/sugawara koushi (13)

oikawa tooru/sugawara koushi (4)

azumane asahi/nishinoya yuu (3)

kuroo tetsurou/sawamura daichi (2)

kuroo tetsurou/yaku morisuke (1)

akaashi keiji/oikawa tooru (1)

sawamura daichi/sugawara koushi/terushima yuuji (1)

sawamura daichi/terushima yuuji (1)

sugawara koushi/terushima yuuji (1)

link/revali (1)

mipha/zelda (1)

louis tomlinson/harry styles (5)

louis tomlinson/zayn malik (1)

alex gaskarth/louis tomlinson (1)

liam payne/louis tomlinson (1)

zack spade/pixel fade (1)

6. Story with the most:

Kudos: two loves have i (275)

Bookmarks: two loves have i (34)

Comments: two loves have i (25)

9. Work I’m most proud of (and why):

on our way to twenty-seven! i was digging into some identity and sexuality issues that i myself have dealt with in the past and writing about it was the first time i’d really dove into some of that stuff, so i really enjoyed writing it and i think it’s some of my best.

i’m also really proud of i’m taking back the crown and i wish i could say why. i just really like the way it came out. writing oikawa as this desperate dethroned prince trying to reclaim his kingdom at any cost only to be beaten at his own game in his own home was just...ugh. it was so much fun to write.

10. Work I’m least proud of (and why):

one more time as if we planned it, definitely. i just felt super rushed writing it. it was for the one direction rarepair fest, which was super fun, but i had Just finished a longer fic a few days before this one was due and i initially tried to drop out because i thought i wouldn’t be able to finish it, but i did, but i still feel like it’s rushed and just not as good as it could have been if i’d planned better and given it some more time.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

im gonna do what i did last year and post more than one, because 1. i can’t decide and 2. i quite honestly am pretty proud of a lot of what i wrote this year

from when the letter says a soldier’s coming home —

Tooru’s squealing somewhere behind them, and Hajime’s gruffly trying to get out the door, and he’ll have to call the school and make up something about being sick so he can spend the day catching up with Daichi, but it can wait. It can all wait. Because Koushi’s waited long enough. It’s about time the rest of the world waits for him.

from strawberries on a summer evening —

Suga hums against him, licking strawberry seeds from between Daichi’s teeth, like he’s just as intoxicated by Daichi as Daichi is with him. Daichi could live here, in this feeling, ignoring everything except how Suga sounds (like bliss personified), smells (like sunblock and sweat), tastes (like sugar and salt). He’s the hottest part of the summer, high noon in mid-August, just this side of too much to handle, but addicting in how it leaves you at its mercy.

from on our way to twenty-seven —

“Sorry, what was your name again?”

Tetsurou opens his mouth to say his American name, but he catches Daichi and Suga looking at him, and he swallows it down. “My name is Tetsurou. Tetsurou Kuroo.”

“I thought you wanted people to call you Tyler,” Timothy says.

Tetsurou shoots him a glare and says it again, feeling his confidence start to grow. “My name is Tetsurou Kuroo. Tetsu is fine, too, but I don’t go by Tyler anymore.”

12. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

any time tasteofsummersnow left me a comment, it made my heart go doki doki!! her comments are so in depth and so very sweet and it’s so much fun to see her real-time reactions to my writing. i go back and reread them like once a week they’re so nice ;_;

13. A time when writing was really, really hard:

the spring/early summer in general was tough, like from march to june. i didn’t post anything between february and may, and i feel like i was struggling a lot creatively around like may/june of this year. i think it’s because a lot of stuff in the 1d fandom was really turning me off at the time and that’s when the burnout fully hit.

14. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

definitely sugawara in the city is at war. i was writing that first chapter and initially i just wanted to see him step up when daichi wasn’t around but he very quickly turned sadistic and ruthless and scarily sharp, which is just so much fun to write him as. and his relationship with daichi is just—ugh. love that violence-fueled romance. they would kill a hundred men for each other and be turned on once they were finished.

honestly, all of the city is at war has surprised me. the idea came to me in a dream on a long bus ride, of all the clan leaders having a meeting and being attacked, and i woke up and banged it out in 36 hours. i meant it to be a oneshot but as i wrote it, i realized i loved the au so much there was no way i could leave it at that. so now it’s got a whole plot and all that. fun!

15. How did you grow as a writer this year:

last year i said i felt i grew writing angst and exploring different emotional themes, and i think i built on that even more this year. i did a bunch of shorter pieces this year and i feel a lot of them really explored emotions and characters more than plot, and that’s been so much fun. and then as well, like i said before, i’ve branched out into the crime-action genre with the yakuza au. and! iwaoi horror week was my first real attempt at spooky/creepy/horror-type writing, and, it was a fun challenge for sure.

i also said i wanted to just keep writing and be spontaneous and i definitely did that this year. i posted so many fics not caring how long it had been since the last one—sometimes it was less a day. numbers stopped mattering to me. i posted just because i wanted to put my writing out there and share it with the world, knowing there had to be someone out there who’d like it.

16. How do you hope to grow next year:

i feel like 2019 was a year of trying a lot of new things, so in 2020 i’m hoping to explore some different ships and tropes. the sheer number of characters and ships in haikyuu means there’s a ship for just about every trope and au out there, and i want to play around with some dynamics i’ve never written before.

17. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

as always, a shoutout to the loggies, who have been a fantastic source of inspiration and support all year even after i retired from 1d fic. and i would also like to thank the people i met via various hq discord servers—you know who you are!! thank you for the sprints, the encouragement, the inspiration, and the friendship. as someone brand new to the fandom, the support and sense of community has been nothing short of amazing, and you guys are part of the reason i felt so comfortable in this fandom so quickly.

18. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

actually, yeah. even mountains crumble into the sea was written the night before i broke up with my ex. i wrote it as an exercise to get all my feelings out, lay them all on the table where i could see them and pick through them, and then imagine the best possible way the scenario could go.

19. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

honestly—just write! write what you’re happy with. write even if you don’t post it. write, because everything you do is practice that’ll help you improve.

and don’t be afraid to write out of order or write more than one project at a time. i know that won’t work for everyone, but for me, if i didn’t immediately write what was on my mind, i probably wouldn’t have posted half of what i did this year.

20. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

hey remember last year when i said i was gonna finish the breath of the wild au?? L M A O i’m really gonna finish it next year i swear!!

i have a fic posting in the spring for the nsfw big bang which i’m ALSO very excited about! i’m lucky to be working with such a talented artist and the end result is gonna be amazing and i’m so so excited.

i also want to keep going with the city is at war, because that plot was a pleasant surprise. and there’s an ever-growing list of fic ideas and aus that i’m so excited to write—some of them were originally for larry aus but i’ve repurposed them for haikyuu pairings and that’s helped breathe new life into some old ideas.

21. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read.

anyone who sees this and wants to do it! just tag me, i wanna read your answers!

[whiskynottea]

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27,  Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35,  Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44,  Chapter 45, Chapter 46, Chapter 47

AO3

@theministerskat , my Detroit airport and Ann Arbor specialist, thank you so much for your help!

Chapter 48. Closer

“Gimme a ticket for an airplane, I ain’t got time to take the fast train. Lonely days are gone – ”

“Lamb! Stop it!”

“What?” My uncle looked at me, with a most innocent face. “What’s wrong with The Box Tops? I’m trying to get you in the mood for your flight!”

“I am in the mood, I don’t need your singing to help me!” I huffed, looking out of the car window.

Will it be raining in Michigan, too?

Lamb was driving ridiculously slow, casually tapping his fingers on the steering wheel as he sang, when all I could think of was reaching the airport and getting on the plane that would take me to Jamie.

Well, I wouldn’t get exactly on that plane.

The first plane would get me to London. Then a second one would whisk me across the Atlantic to Chicago. And finally, after a third flight from Chicago to Detroit, I would finally get to see my Scot. Really see him. Run my hands through his red hair. Smell the spices of his perfume. Tickle him until he would beg for mercy. Kiss him until there would be no breath left in his lungs.

In twenty-two hours I would be standing in front of him - if I could still stand. I would most likely crawl to him, unable to move after travelling for so many hours.

I didn’t care. I would be in Michigan.

Total flying time was almost twelve hours. Total time of the journey, twenty-two. Cheap flights. Not everyone can handle it - or so I was told by Lamb.

Scot: Have you arrived at the airport?

Sassenach: Almost. You know how Lamb drives.

Scot: Tomorrow you’ll be here, babe.

Sassenach: I wish I could just apparate.

Scot: You haven’t taken an Apparition Test.

Sassenach: Since when do Gryffindors care about rules?

Scot: It wouldn’t do to get you here splinched, wee Ravenclaw witch.

I choked back a laugh that made Lamb shoot me a questioning glance. “I haven’t seen you so happy since you got your letter from Oxford. Which was almost a month ago, if I remember correctly.”

“More than a month,” I murmured. In retrospect, it seemed even longer.

The first day or two, I had spent the majority of my time on Google maps, mentally strolling around  Oxford via computer screen. Then, I caught up with a few TV shows Jenny and Joe had been raving about. I read books that had nothing to do with human anatomy and physiology and enjoyed staying at home, a cup of tea and a hardcover in my lap, the rain pelting down on the living room windows.

Joe and Gail had left for New York, their semester starting when Jamie’s had. Jenny and Ian remained in Beauly after the summer had ended. They had both accepted their offers to the University of Edinburgh and they would come back in September, which was exactly when I would be leaving for Oxford. Jenny and I talked almost every day, but I missed having everyone in close proximity. It felt as though I had been left behind.

The flight to London was less than two hours and I had resolved myself to watching a movie, when the tiny lady sitting next to me started talking. I smiled politely and nodded more times than I could count, and kept making attempts to insert my headphones while I silently prayed that she would get the message. She didn’t. Her son was graduating and then getting married and “Oh ye can imagine, dearie, how many things remain to be done!” Even if I couldn’t imagine, I didn’t need to. By the end of our journey, she had listed and analyzed them all, pausing only once or twice. Most probably to breathe, I had thought. Her enthusiasm made me smile. Her nasal voice, however, made my head buzz by the time we arrived at Heathrow. Mrs Macallan - “Like the whisky, ye ken?” - was sweet and kind hearted, but I felt lucky to be getting away from her on my next flight.

After retrieving my oversized rucksack, and bidding her farewell, I walked around the airport, absentmindedly looking at window displays and testing several perfumes. Finally, bored and tired, I searched for a quiet place to sit.

Sassenach: Seven more hours in Heathrow.

Scot: In thirteen hours I will kiss the hell out of you.

Sassenach: Oh really?

Scot: Yes. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Sassenach: Me or the kissing?

Scot: Both.

Sassenach: Hmm where are you?

Scot: Just finished up at the pool. We’re going to a place called “Fraser’s Pub”!

Sassenach: So you’re already THAT famous there?

Scot: Aye, restaurants open in my honor. I can’t help it Sassenach.

Sassenach: Snob.

Scot: Oh, is that you Ms. ‘I’m studying at Oxford, you common peasants’?

Sassenach: Ass.

Scot: THIRTEEN HOURS!!

Sassenach: Twelve and forty-five minutes 😛

Scot: I love you, got to go, the guys have started making fun of me. Ttyl?

Sassenach: Okay. I’ll be right here.

A ridiculous picture followed right after that, with Jamie’s lips so close to the camera I could hardly recognize them. Then another one, with him and John smiling broadly, heads bent together. I sent him a picture of me cuddled up next to my huge grey and purple rucksack and then tried to get as comfortable as possible, determined to get some sleep.

It seemed I was one of those people who can sleep wherever and whenever they want, not allowing anything to disturb them. Not the endless amount of people passing by, not their phone ringing, not even announcements calling their name.

When I opened my eyes, my phone had fifteen unanswered calls, nineteen unread messages, and two missed alarms. The most terrifying of all, however, was the time.

I had ten minutes to be at my gate and I didn’t even know which gate I was supposed to be at.

I picked up my bag, hoisted it unceremoniously over my shoulder and started running.

I had struggled to sleep the last two nights, the excitement of visiting Jamie making dozing off an impossible task. And now that I had a plane to catch, I fell asleep in the airport, and slept for more than six hours!

Seriously, now?

I was the last person through the boarding gate and I was the only one who went through it gasping for breath. When I finally took my seat, I checked my phone. All the missed calls and messages were from Jamie, all saying pretty much the same thing.

Where are you?!

Sassenach: Just got on the plane. OMG THAT WAS SO CLOSE! I almost missed my flight. I can actually hear my heart beating inside my chest.

Jamie replied immediately.

Scot: You scared the shit out of me, do you know that? First, I was afraid that you’d miss the flight, then I was terrified that something happened to you.

Sassenach: I’m sorry. 😞

Scot: You better be.

Sassenach: I didn’t do it on purpose!

I quickly calculated the time in Ann Arbor.

Sassenach: Are you still out?

Scot: No.

Sassenach: You’re at home? Still awake?

Scot: Yes, guess why! Because my girlfriend is crazy, and she sleeps in airports like the dead!

I saw the three dots appear, then stop. My heart thumped inside my chest.

Scot: You just scared me, is all. It took all the nerve I had to stop pacing back and forth in the room, and that’s mostly because I woke John up at least three times. I couldn’t handle it if something happened to you.

Sassenach: I’m okay. I’m sorry I scared you so. I love you. gtg! Plane taking off. ❤️❤️

Scot: I will kill you when you arrive. Even before kissing you.

Sassenach: That will make a fool of you. You’ll miss my kissing you back.

I spent my time during the flight watching movies and sleeping. No one talked to me, apart from the stewardess with the impossibly perfect makeup, who came passing by every ten minutes with coffee or tea, food, more coffee or tea …

I only had an hour layover at O’Hare International Airport and I didn’t even stop to look around. One last flight - and a short one, at that.

One hour later I landed at Detroit Metro, murmuring continuously, “I’m here, oh my God, I’m here!”

My whole body ached from sitting for so long, and walking felt like an exotic exercise. I had been right in that I would be crawling once I got here.

But then, I wasn’t. I rushed off the plane and pushed my way to the tram, jumping into a car just before the doors closed. I followed the flow of the other passengers, feeling like herded cattle, and took the escalator down to the arrivals area.

The moment the escalator brought me low enough to see out across the great open space of baggage claim I saw him standing there, tall and beautiful, waiting for me. I felt a huge smile spread across my face and mentally urged the people in front of me to move faster. Finally, a kind of magic seeped into my muscles, pushing me forward, and the only thing I could do was run to him.

I dropped my bag just before I reached him and a moment later I was jumping into his arms, wrapping my legs around his body, relying on his strength to support my weight.

A crushing hug. And then we were kissing as if we were the only people in the whole terminal. Fierce and consuming, it was a kiss that tried to make up for all the lost ones, all those we had been sending to each other during the last month, vanishing somewhere in the space between us.

But this kiss was real and hot and powerful, filling our hearts with blood again, after more than a month when distance made their beating dull, normal.

“You’re here,” he whispered. “I can’t believe you’re finally here,” he added, echoing my thoughts. “I missed touching ye, Sassenach. My arms always feel so empty without ye in them.”

I looked at him for a long moment, my throat too tight to talk.

“Come,” he said, and bent to pick up my rucksack. “We’ve a bus to catch.”

His hand was warm when he took mine and we walked together towards the shuttle pickup area. It was silly, but even walking next to him felt different. As if I couldn’t discipline my feet and each step would be the first to start a dance.

We sat in the second to last row of the bus, desperate for some privacy. His hand perched on the inside of my thigh, drawing abstract lines that were driving me crazy. I leaned my head onto his shoulder, trying to be decent, but five minutes later I was biting and sucking his neck until I felt him shiver.

“What are the plans for today?” I asked, my voice low.

“Today we’re going back to my dorm and we’re not leaving the room at all.” He shot me a naughty glance, implying that I knew exactly what was going to happen in his room.

“What about John?” I asked, frowning.

“He won’t come back tonight.” Jamie’s owlish wink and the sly grin that followed suggested that he had taken care of everything.

“I’ve turned everything upside-down for him. Trust me to make a bad first impression.”

“Dinna fash, Sassenach. Ye’re doing John a favour,” Jamie said, his lip curling up as he looked out of the window.

“What do you mean?”

“Ye gave John the perfect excuse to stay over at another guy’s place. He’s on the team, too. And I think John was waiting for an opportunity to stay alone with Hector since the first time he saw him. He hasn’t admitted it yet, but I’ve seen the way he looks at him.”

“John is gay?” I asked when he finally finished. “You haven’t said anything!”

“What was I supposed to say, Sassenach? ‘Claire, let me introduce ye to my gay roommate?’”

“Well, no, but… Anyway. And how about Hector? Do you think that he returns John’s feelings?”

“He’ll be a fool if he doesna. John is amazing. It’d be like you giving me your number and I never calling you. Impossible.”

I laughed at that, shaking my head. My curls escaped from my unruly bun, but I didn’t care. Jamie liked them down. “Yeah, right. That being said by someone totally unbiased.”

He looked out at the winter landscape for a moment. Then, his eyes were back on me and he let out a long sigh. “I’m so happy ye’re here, mo chridhe.” He squeezed my hand and bent his head to kiss me.

I couldn’t get enough of his lips.

We got off of the bus and walked quickly towards his dorm, partly because we ached to be finally alone and partly because it was freezing cold outside.

“Why did you have to come here?” I asked, feeling my nose go Rudolf-red. “Hawaii is one of the States, too.”

“Oh, excuse me Sassenach for not getting a scholarship somewhere sunny!” Jamie smiled and pulled his beanie lower, to cover as much skin as possible.

“It would be a nice change to Edinburgh,” I murmured. He just squeezed me closer to his body.

As we walked, I was fascinated by how much of the campus was woven seamlessly into the city itself. Just off the main streets that were filled with restaurants and shops, were smaller homes all in a line, and then suddenly a university building would pop up with a distinctive blue and yellow sign out front.

We didn’t stop walking fast once we pushed through the entrance doors of Jamie’s dorm. He rushed me across the lobby to the elevators, only this time I was almost sure he was moving quickly as not to be stalled by any fellow Wolverines looking for greetings and introductions.

We reached his room unnoticed. Jamie tossed my rucksack into a corner and closed the door softly behind me. I stood still, looking at the room.

His place.

It wasn’t big, and the beds and two desks made it seem even smaller. But it was cozy and clean, and had something of him that made me feel comfortable. I turned to look at Jamie, and for the first time in a month, I felt like I was home.

“I missed you, you bloody Scot.” My whisper was more than a confession. It was the profession of the gift I had been bestowed. The gift of having him in my life. Of having a home.

“I missed ye too.” He smiled in his crooked way, the way I had fallen in love with. “More than ye’d ever imagine.”

And then his lips were on mine, tender and honest. The connection we had longed for, when all we could do was rely on a screen to see each other. Now, we could feel. Our love was tangible, filling the room as our breaths mingled, as our hands intertwined, as our hearts beat together, their own song.

It didn’t take long for our kiss to turn wild.

Jamie shed the outer layers of my clothing, murmuring that I was a wee onion or something. I smiled and helped him, taking off some of his own clothes as well. It was when his hand found its way underneath my sweater that I yelped.

“Cold! Freezing hands!” He looked at me with a pout that wasn’t nearly cute enough to make me relent. “Don’t even think about it!” I said, pushing against his chest with a pointed index finger.

Jamie laughed and swiftly took me off my feet, eliciting yet another yelp from me. He lay me carefully on his bed and took off my sweater.

“No hands,” he promised, raising them in the air as he bent to kiss my neck. His lips moved to my chest, teeth softly biting my nipples, and I slightly regretted keeping his hands off the game. I needed him to touch me.

I squirmed beneath him, making my intentions obvious.

“Oh, no,” Jamie said, sucking my breast in a way I was sure would leave a hickie. “I spent so much time this past month telling ye what I was planning to do to ye when I’d have ye close again. So much time, seeing ye touching yerself and wishing it would be my hand instead of yers. I mean to take my time, mo nighean donn.”

A soft bite and a wicked grin. His eyes burned in mine.

“I mean to lick ye, kiss ye, taunt ye, feel yer smooth skin against mine and leave my marks on ye. I mean to hear yer moans and whimpers fill the room. And then, Sassenach,” he paused for effect, and I ground myself against him. We were both ready. And all the talking during our video calls didn’t go to waste, after all. “Then, I mean to fuck ye and feel ye fucking me until we canna move our limbs anymore.”

Everything went according to the plan.

Chapter 49

[theonewiththefanfics]

Numb (Part 7)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 8

Part 9

Part 10- END

Epilogue

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Genre: angst

Warnings: swearing, as it usually is 

Word count: 2382

Y/N’s sight blurred as slowly she looked around the room. The first thing she noticed was the pain. All-encompassing brutal pain. It wove through her body like ribbons made from barbwire and her head pounded like Thor was bashing his hammer against the girl’s skull. She groaned, but the sound was muffled by a plastic tube that reached far down her neck. Her heart rate picked up when horrible flashbacks of being held in her HYDRA prison cell came back, how they had force-fed her when she refused, choosing death over a life with them. The beeping from a nearby machine made her headache worsen, turning it in a full-blown migraine as she clutched both hands over her ears. Then it struck her- she wasn’t restrained. Y/N couldn’t feel any chains or bonds holding her body down. She wasn’t there. Opening her eyes in tiny slits, her vision swimming from the tears that had gathered she was greeted by a soft white room, lights dimmed to barely nothing, but even then they were harsh.    The girl turned her head as she struggled to allow the machine breathe for her, the instinct to use her lungs trying to overtake, but she had to make sure if the hypothesis her mind had created was right. And indeed- through a large window, bright little dots welcomed her back to New York. Her home.    But then the thudding in her chest picked up once more and Y/N winced from the pain. Looking up and over her bed she saw a big blue button, so with as much strength as she could muster, the woman pressed it. The Avenger expected a nurse or even Bruce to come in. What she didn’t expect was the whole damn team, most of them in their pyjamas, bleary-eyed and still half asleep to come running. If her body didn’t hurt so much, she would have burst out in laughter at the sight of Sam’s Spongebob underwear and his Patrick slippers.    “Hey, shh, it’s okay,” Tony softly spoke as he put his palms on Y/N’s arms. “Try to relax okay?”

   The woman just looked at him but did as the scientist told. He turned to Bruce and motioned for him to switch the sound of the monitor to a lower level. It took Y/N two minutes to remove her palms from her ears, her head still splitting open, but nothing she hadn’t experienced before. Her eyes caught the movement of Bruce as he pressed a button by the bed and it started to rise in a sitting position.    “We’re gonna remove the tube, okay?” Tony drew soothing circles on her back, but Y/N didn’t even care about that because she had just seen Bucky. He stood there, disbelief in his blue orbs as he saw her awake. The woman choked out a sound, inaudible, but it was like they had a telepathic connection, as in a matter of milliseconds the super soldier was right by her side, grasping her palm and whispering sweet words of encouragement to her.    “It’s gonna be uncomfortable and you’re not going to be able to breathe for a bit, but I need you to remember to do so. You’re gonna feel like your throat has closed off, but you have to push past it. And then I’ll need you to cough, as much as you can. Do you understand?” Y/N nodded at Tony’s instructions.    “Okay,” he murmured and with gentle fingers removed the tape that had secured the plastic in her mouth.    Y/N wanted to gag as the man pulled the tube out, feeling like bile was rising in her throat even though there was nothing in her stomach. After a few more agonising seconds it was out of her mouth and suddenly she was suffocating. Air didn’t fill her lungs, but it was even more than her windpipe being clogged. The woman felt like it had been ripped in two pieces and she had to find a way to connect them before passing out from the lack of oxygen.    “Doll, do as Tony said, please,” she looked at Bucky seeing his pleading face and she did. She tried to pull in air, but it went nowhere. Right as Y/N was about fall back down to the bed, her vision turning black a gasping breath escaped her lips and she inhaled, which immediately set her on a coughing fit.    Mucus and other gross things plopped down on her bedsheet, but no-one turned away, no one looked at her in disgust, rather Y/N felt everybody’s shoulders sag in relief as her ears even picked up on Wanda’s soft swearing, her body leaning into Vision’s.    “There we go, honey,” Tony smiled at her and she replied with an exhausted quirk of her own lips.    “Did you like the show?” Y/N’s voice was beyond raspy, sounding like she had been an avid smoker and drinker since she’d been born.    “Wouldn’t expect anything less from our drama queen.”    “Hey!”  she choked out, through a smile.    Bruce came from the side and placed two plastic tubes in her nose, allowing her to get some pure oxygen in her lungs and taking the struggle away. They helped her lay back down as Nat took off the dirty duvet and placed Y/N’s own.    “Your first thought when hearing an alarm, which apparently woke up the whole town was to go in my room and get my blanket?”    “Well, I knew you were awake, so why not?”    Y/N smirked. “I could’ve been dying, you know. What then? Would you have buried me in it?”    “Oh, no,” the Russian ex-assassin smiled as she tucked Y/N’s legs underneath the soft covers. “I would make sure you got buried in Wilson’s ‘My Little Pony’ blanket.”    The woman turned her head towards Sam, eyes wide and full of mischief. “Oh, buddy, you do realise I’m never gonna let you live it down?”    He looked at Nat, the word ‘traitor’ shining through his gaze. “I’m going back to bed. I’d say I’m happy you’re awake, but now I’m not too sure.”    That made Y/N chuckle and simultaneously groan in pain. “Love you too birdbrain.”    “We’re glad you’re back,” Nat patted Y/N’s foot and one by one they filtered out of the room. Everybody except Tony, Bruce and Bucky. The latter had been holding her hand the whole time and neither wanted to let go.    Bruce broke her out of her thoughts as he announced that they needed to do some quick tests, to ensure that she was as stable as possible and could be left alone to rest. It took them around twenty minutes, adjusting the volumes of her monitors as Y/N’s head still hurt, and also adding specific painkillers to her liquid bag.    “It’s your powers regenerating and getting back to where they were, that's why you're in so much pain. Since you’ve never pushed yourself that far, we believe you’re gonna be like that for some time,” Bruce adjusted the nozzle and the trickle slowed down a bit. “We can’t take it all away, but this will reduce it to a bearable dull ache.”    “Why don’t you let Steve take me out on a run then. I’ll pass right out. won't have to worry about it then.”    Tony laughed but pointed a finger at her in a fatherly manner. “Don’t you even think about that. You’re benched from missions and any kind of exercise for quite some time.”    “Wha-“ she started to protest, but the collective look from all three men made her shut up and grumble out a ���fine’.    The two geniuses made their way towards the door. Tony looked back and saw that Bucky had stayed behind. He was just about to call on him, but the arm Bruce put on his shoulder stopped the inventor. And so they left the pair alone.    “Hey,” Y/N softly said looking Bucky over, searching for any scar or injury. She didn’t have much perception of how long she’d been out of it, but seeing as there had been some dirt and blood still stuck in Steve’s hair, Y/N was sure it hadn’t been that long.    “Hey, yourself,” the man replied, his metal hand going to place a Y/H/C lock behind her ear. “You scared us, doll. Scared me.”    “I would apologise, but I believe that when you do it, you should mean it.”    It made Bucky sigh, having known how stubborn Y/N was with what she thought was right and wrong, especially when it came to putting her own life in more danger than necessary when it came to protecting people she cared about.    “I know and I kinda hate you for it. Did you even think about how I- we- would feel?”    “You’d be sad for a while, but then you’d move on.”    “Fuck, do you really think so little of yourself? Do you really think you’re expendable?”    “I don-“ Y/N sighed looking for the right words, “I don’t think I’m expendable. But I knew that whatever happened, you’d be alright. That you’ve got a family. With or without me.” She wasn’t sure if she was talking about Bucky or about the rest of the team as well. “Besides, I was not going to let HYDRA get anywhere near you Buck. If I had to do it again, I would.”    The ex-Winter Soldier furrowed his brows in confusion. “What are you talking about?”    “Kosak tried to make a deal with me,” tears pooled in her eyes and one slowly rolled down her bruised cheek, which Bucky as gently as possible, wiped away. “He told me, he’d let me go if I gave them their asset. I mean, in any case, it was total bullshit, but just the thought that that parasite actually believed for one second that I would give your life up in exchange for mine… it was ridiculous.”    “Why, doll?” Bucky quietly cried as well.    “Because I love you and I’d never let anything bad happen to you. Not even if it cost me everything,” tears slipped down her cheeks as she squeezed Bucky’s palm as hard as she could.    His forehead was pressed against hers as he whispered. “If you truly loved me then you wouldn’t have dared to do something that dumb.” The man said it without the realisation hitting him, that Y/N remembered, her feeling for him were no longer gone but were solid as a rock.    She laughed, making Bucky’s heart soar as his blue eyes looked into her Y/E/C finding nothing but compassion and adoration. “Then please tell that to yourself, so I won’t have to listen to Steve berating you for not following orders when you do some stupid shit.”    “He’s a punk! He himself can’t keep that idiotic heroic ass out of trouble. It’s like he smells it from a hundred miles away. He needs to learn some self-preservation instinct. ”    “I don’t think that is something that can be taught,” she scratched his beard and Bucky leaned into the touch.    “Then I’ll beat it into him. And if I gotta do that to you as well, don’t think I’m not above locking you in a room and staying there until you get it inside your beautiful little head, that my life is not worth more than yours.”    “It is to me,” Y/N whispered.    Suddenly his own heart lurched forward and it started beating with such intensity, if he had been the one hooked onto the heart monitor, Bucky was sure the machine would explode into smoke.    “Are you-“ he stared at Y/N in disbelief, “do you remember?”    Tentatively she nodded her head. “I do. All of it,” the woman gulped not letting go of Bucky’s gaze, “when Kosask made that offer it hit me like a train. The feelings came back and stronger than ever… As I said,” Y/N sheepishly smiled, “I’d do anything if that meant you being safe.”    “You love me?” his mind was dizzy and Bucky could barely string a sentence together.    “Have for two years now.”    He couldn’t help himself, couldn’t help the grin that stretched out across his face, couldn’t help the lightweight feeling, couldn’t stop his mind celebrating as the woman he had fallen for reciprocated his love. Finally.    “I’m sorry for being such an ass and being so fucking dumb.”    “Let’s just agree on the fact that we both were idiots and could’ve done things differently,” and then Y/N smiled. She actually smiled like she used to, her teeth showing and little lines adorning the corners of her eyes, pure happiness overtaking the room. Even with her chapped lips and tired eyes, to Bucky, she was still the most beautiful woman there was.

   Loki had stayed behind when the alarm had been set off, wanting to keep an eye on Katrina. He moved through the darkness with the grace of a cat, not even a breath of air giving away that he was following the woman. She snuck into her room locking the door behind herself right as everybody else rushed out.    The trickster had to admit, Katrina was an amazing actress because when Steve’s heavy footsteps thudded past her place, she peeked her head out, looking bleary-eyed and confused.    “What’s going on? Is Dominic alright?” the woman exited and rushed to the room next door where her son slept. Bucky practically crashed into her. Loki could see how terrified and at the same time relieved he was.    “Y/N,” was the only thing he managed to get out before dashing after the team to the med-bay.    Katrina stood in the hallway, eyes filled with disbelief and something else that Loki was determined to figure out. Before he could see anything else wash over her face, she went to check up on the little boy and the god used her mistake of leaving her room's door open to sneak inside and take the white little keycard Katrina had so recklessly left on the bed.    In the span of a second, he was out and walking towards his own quarters. Katrina didn’t even notice that the one evidence linking her to Y/N, to what she had said, to what she had done was missing, as the woman slipped under the silken sheets. And when she did, it would already be too late.

Tags (crossed out wouldn’t take): @ronnierockin @werecookielove @vannavinci @pandawolfunicorn @angelwingsbringmusic @murydedeus03 @lost-and-wandering-alone @bookwarm85 @itsholland-tomholland @thatcluelessone @salty-buchanan  @disneychic8 @uwu-sebastianstan @deputyduckbutt @lusite14 @klmpun @severuined @lovely-geek @andrialynnsantana @vodkasindream @fadingculturemuffin @lynnskata @killjoynotes @vogueworthy-barnes @honeymufins @damnbuvky @the-marvelous-mcu @mystic-aly @starkxpotts @all-fandomthings @upremeoverlordletters @silent-world-of-a-deaf-boi @mrscevans @shliic @starks-girl @daysiminsideout @mrsalh32611 @xi-i-i-whatsyouremergency @bluebell725 @susmita121 @jamesbuckybananabarnes @mcu-potter-pirate @xxchloegrayxx @teapartydreams @balanced-ram @catthefearless @tokoyamisstuff @alphadareme @minniesugakookie @dustycelt @nephalem67 @sophiatomlinson23 @hellboundblogger @the-witch-of-plum-hollow @culinarycrystals @taylorsbread @slender--spirit @imagine-this-motherfucker @1v-kayla @winters-beauty @capandbuck @chingaderastillidie @csigeoblue @lordemjay @akacalciumhood @foureyedsiopao @savemesteeb @waves-and-sunflowers @alitav99 @phoenix-whiskey-tears @yayaobrien75 @imnotcoolmasterrr @anxietyrosee @yafriendlyfangirl @dean-the-trickster @aleeece17 @mummy-woves-you @bartonsbowandarrow @mdgrdians @rosecoloureddudez @just-an-explorer-2018 @irondadandspidersoncute @jay14616 @thea-marvel @dream45sworld @taylorcat2121 @honeystrawberrys @thunderous-flower @who-cares-rn @lumelgy @projectxhappiness @callmebucky-doll @palaiasaurus64 @coal000 @killuaenthusiast @courtneychicken @sophiealiice @raquelbc2003 @watch-out-for-thorns @potentially-kinetic @thatonegirljessy99 @proxinge @bbkenna @buckysclub @ulired @fangirlofeverythingbasically @horrorx570ximagines @the-nargles-made-me-do-it @supernaturalbaesduh @breezy1415 @pizzarollpatrol @crazy--me @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @sea040561 @staryeyedgirl @deathbyarabbit @s-c-a-r-e-d-po-t-t-e-r  @jentismyname

A/N: it’s so hot rn I wasn’t able to fall asleep last night until like one AM.

P.S. please let me know what you think :)

P.S.S. if you wanna be tagged message me :) though please specify for what :)

P.S.S.S. please, don’t repost without credit :))

[sunshine-carlyle]

TGS Tag Game

Tagged by: @silverlynxx

1. When did you first watch TGS?

January 1st 2018! I remember being sort of hesitant, but the second it started I was hooked—I was sitting on the edge of my seat bouncing up and down for the whole of The Other Side and when the music stopped before the final chorus I was devastated because I thought it was over!

2. Who is your favourite character?

That’s actually really hard for me to answer! If I’d been asked a couple of months back, I would have undoubtedly said P.T.—everything he does in the film just makes me smile and makes my heart warm (it sounds cheesy but it’s true!). Now, though, I’m having a tough time choosing between him and Phillip—each time I see TGS, the urge to give Flip a hug gets a little stronger. I’d probably still say P.T., but sometimes Phillip, depending on what mood I’m in.

3. What are your canon and fanon ships?

I’m super in love with the canon ships, both of which I think are brilliant. Aside from that, though, I’m a hardcore Barlyle shipper. I actually only really started shipping them when I showed my friend the film—when they were in the bar, she turned to me and said they look like they want to...—but I’ve been head-over-heels for this pairing ever since! Another ship I like is Charity/Phin/Phil, but as long as Charity is treated well in my Barlyle I’m all over that shit.

4. What’s your favourite TGS song?

Honestly? They’re all incredible! TGS is one of the few musicals where I genuinely love every single song. Having said that, I will always have a MASSIVE soft spot for The Other Side! The guitar part is fantastically reminiscent of percussion, especially at the beginning, the harmonies between P.T. and Phillip are impeccable, and the way they’re so in sync, both with finishing each other’s sentences while singing and just the entire scene? YES YES YES A MILLION TIMES YES. Honestly though I could yell about all the songs for years DM me anytime!!

5. Are you a content creator?

Yup yup! My work is predominantly fic, although I very occasionally doodle pictures as well! My fic uploading is rather sporadic, because my motivation is best represented by tsunamis and calm seas, rather than a constantly-flowing river, but I’m still just gonna link my AO3 here: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackpip

6. If General Tom Thumb and The Irish Giant got into a fight, who would win and how?

Probably Charles! I’m not sure how exactly, but he seems rather ruthless—I, for one, would be afraid around his pistol.

7. If you joined Barnum’s circus, what would your act be?

Hopefully something musical! I play a lot of instruments, and the opportunity to do something along those lines would be awesome. Failing that, I’m super loose-jointed and can do all sorts of weird things with my thumbs and wrists in particular that would definitely get a reaction from an audience!

8. Favourite fanfiction trope or AU?

I’m a sucker for modern AUs! Literally anything in a modern setting, and I’m sold—bonus points if it’s more subtle anachronisms that give the time period away than a direct statement. Also, I’m not sure if it’s a trope as such, but I adore hurt/comfort where one plays with the other’s hair to soothe them! We need more Phil comforting Phin in the world.

9. Do you have a non-TGS song that you associate with the film or a TGS character?

HOLY. SHIT. I have so many, especially for Barlyle! I literally made a playlist. Some highlights include:

Broadripple Is Burning (Margot & The Nuclear So and So’s): “And, darling, I’m lost, and everything that I have loved has turned to stone, so pack your bags and come back home.”

I Was Drunk (Margot & The Nuclear So and So’s): “And I sing to you, whisper the secrets you already knew, and I’m begging ‘Please reconsider and come back home to me’ ‘cause we’ll all be dead quite soon.”

3 Rounds and a Sound (Blind Pilot): “I was swimming; my eyes were dark ‘til you woke me and told me that opening is just the start. It was.”

And this one just makes me think of Phillip (even just from the title alone) and Phin comforting him so much:

Don’t Let Them See You Cry (Manchester Orchestra): “So breathe, while you’re alive. Let the big band play as you tap leather with your fingers. And I tried to write in style, but the words just come and I write them soon as I see them.”

I could talk about music and Barlyle songs forever, though! That’s literally two of my favourite things combined

10. What mythological creature would you add to the circus?

I’m not entirely sure! Probably a pegasus—I can imagine some impressive routines involving one of those and the elephants.

11. What’s one of your favourite TGS headcanons?

There are so many! One of my favourites is that Phillip is so particular with his hair because it was one of the few things he could still exercise control over when he was still living with his parents. As a result, whenever anyone messes it up, he feels off-kilter and rather panicky until he can fix it again—after years and years, it had become a coping mechanism of sorts. Having said that, Phineas thinks he looks positively adorable with ruffled bed hair, and Phillip is slowly growing more comfortable with not doing his hair until just before he leaves the house, as opposed to waking up early to do so before Phineas joins him.

Other headcanons I love include Phineas having ADHD, Bisexual!Phil having a lot of trouble coming to terms with his sexuality and occasionally wobbling I absolutely have to write about that one day (I’m absolutely not projecting whatsoever shsksj), and platonic soulmates Phin and Charity/Anne and Phil!

12. If you could ask any TGS character a question, who and what would it be?

That’s super tricky! I’d probably ask P.T. where he got the lamp he gave Caroline from, or how he made it, because I absolutely adore it! Failing that, I’d straight-up ask Phillip for a hug because 9 times out of 10 that would 100% cheer me up shsksj

BONUS: Link/share one of your favourite TGS fanfictions or pieces of fanart!

There are so many incredible artists and writers in this fandom, and I really, genuinely enjoy every piece of content I come across!

I think, in terms of fanart, my favourite piece is anything done by @themissingmask —he was my secret santa on the TOSdiscord server and did an absolutely phenomenal job! <3

Regarding fanfiction, I have three favourites: Just A Dead Man Walking by braille_upon_my_skin, Peanut Swells by @silverlynxx and And The Walls Are Closing In by @circus-playwright. All of them are hurt/comfort, but in different ways—I read Braille’s when I’m at my lowest, Lynxx’s makes me smile because of the interactions between P.T. and Caroline, and the last one is just some good, good Phin angst with Phillip comforting him (something I believe there should be a lot more of in the world!). <3<3<3

Links:

Just A Dead Man Walking (TW for attempted suicide and implied/referenced self-harm): https://archiveofourown.org/works/14070681

Peanut Swells: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17000595

And The Walls Are Closing In: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14488485

I tag: @circus-playwright @fandomingrandom and @rewrite-a-million-dreams

[awkward-radar-tech]

An Awkward Tech: Part 3

Summary: Big brothers are big brothers even if they are less than half an hour older. Matt and reader visit the garden again, and more meals.

A/N:This is the last part for a bit. I will definitely be writing more for this, it might be an ever growing fic, I don’t know. There will be at least 2-4 more parts with larger time skips looking at their relationship after it has developed.

Part 1 – Part 2 – Part 4 – Part 5 – Part 6 – Part 7 – Part 8 – Part 9 – Part 10

When you woke up the next morning and read Matt’s text you couldn’t help but smile. He called you sweetheart, your favorite pet name, although he didn’t know that.

8:14 am: Good morning Matty :) sorry I fell asleep last night before saying goodnight, I was already dozing off when you text you survived and ended up passing out

8:17 am: Good morning to you, (y/n). Don’t worry about it, you had a long exciting day.

I am going to be heading over to the garden in a little bit, do you want to come along? We can get breakfast first at the cafe if you’d like.

8:20 am: I’d love to

8:22 am: Ok, I’ll be there in 20 minutes

8:24 am: see you then!

You quickly got up and brushed your hair and teeth and then changed into your favorite sundress, which thankfully didn’t stain, and some strappy sandals. Before heading out to the living room, you grabbed a floppy sun hat to wear in the garden. Ally was already in the living room, sitting on the floor at the coffee table eating some cereal and reading something on her phone, when you entered.

“Let me guess, Matt?”

“Yeah, we’re going to breakfast and then to his garden again.”

“Sickeningly sweet. How are we even friends, you a sweet romantic and me a cynical ass.”

“We weren’t like that in kindergarten. Plus we complement each other, so, ya know.”

“Yeah, I do.”

You had just sat down on the couch when Matt knocked on the door.

“That must be Mr. Lover boy. Have fun (y/n), love ya.”

“See you later Ally. Love ya, too.”

You opened the door to greet Matt, only to see that he was joined by two other men about his height but with dark brown hair.

“Uhh, hi (y/n). In case you couldn’t guess, these are my brothers Ben and Kylo. They umm wanted to come help tend the garden and meet you I guess.”

“Oh, uhh, nice to meet you both. And good morning. I’m ready to head out, so let’s go.”

You grabbed Matt’s hand and lead the way out of the building. Kylo and Ben followed a few feet behind and you heard them softly talking to each other. You and Matt took the stairs while Kylo and Ben thankfully went down the elevator.

Once safely out of sight and earshot of the others inside the stairwell you stopped Matt and wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss, “Sorry, I’m not one for kissing in front of others. Good morning Matty.”

“I understand, especially in front of my brothers. And sorry about them, they invited themselves, they both got into the car before I could lock the doors and drive away.”

“That is okay, and I’m assuming we are driving to the cafe instead of walking.”

“Yeah, they are lazy bums. If they aren’t in the gym they don’t like to do much exercise.”

You kissed once more before heading down the stairs and to the car. Ben and Kylo didn’t say a word to either you or Matt until you were seated at the cafe. Then they tag teamed trying to get as much info out of you as possible.

“So, (y/n), Matt here hasn’t told us what you are going to school for. Mind enlightening us?” Ben prodded.

“Well, I’m going to help find a cure for cancer one day. I’ll be working in a lab for a living.”

Kylo smacked Ben’s shoulder, “Of course our brother found another brainiac. He needs to have somebody to talk sciencey stuff with I guess. Tell me, (y/n), what has he told you about us.”

“Well, he told me your names, that you’re triplets, that you both had dark brown hair, and that one is currently an artist while the other is a businessman, and you live together. He also said that you tried to get your childhood friends to include him but they wouldn’t.”

Ben nodded at what you said, “Well, all that information is correct. If you had to guess, who is in which profession?”

“Hhmm, I think Kylo is the artist and you are the businessman.”

“That is correct,” Kylo responded, “now, be truthful, since you have now met all three of us, who is the most attractive?”

“Guys, what the hell?!” Matt squeaked out, “Leave her alone. And Ky, why would you ask that, Ben stop smirking I know you planned this out together!”

You reached out and squeezed Matt’s shoulder, “Hey, Matty, calm down, it is okay.” You gave him a devilish smirk before turning to the two across the table from you and lowered your voice a bit, “Now, to answer your question ‘Ky’. You all are quite handsome, but you asked about attractiveness. Ben, I’m quite attracted to you, but that goatee thing you got going on is a turn off, like how are you a businessman with that on your face. Kylo, you are very attractive, but why does your hair look so greasy, like gross wash your hair for once.” You paused and turned to Matt who was trying to contain his laughter from your comments about his brothers and their reactions, “Now, for my handsome Matty, he is super attractive, the way his blonde hair contrasts his beautiful brown eyes takes my breath away. I just adore the way his glasses frame his face but don’t hide any of his features.” You leaned forward and whispered just so the two of them could hear, “And his voice does things to me and I can’t quite explain why,” then leaned back and gave them a wink and a smirk. You then turned to Matt and gave him an intense kiss just to prove your point.

You left the barely older men speechless and Matt just laughed. The waiter came and delivered your meals and you and Matt held a pleasant conversation while Ben and Kylo ate in silence. You were proud of yourself for putting them in their place, why wouldn’t you find Matt the most attractive, you were dating him after all. You knew they would be back to normal in a little bit after their embarrassment passed, but hopefully would keep their comments and questions like that to themselves, you had no problem answering the first questions they had and wouldn’t mind answering more.

When you all finished, Ben paid for the meal and then both he and Kylo walked ahead to open the door for you and Matt. On the drive to the warehouse, they continued to be silent. Kylo unlocked everything once at the building, and then stayed inside with Ben while you and Matt went up to the garden.

“Hey, sweetheart, I’m sorry about my brothers. I don’t know why they thought it was okay to ask you that.”

“Matty, it is fine. I had fun responding to them and tearing their egos apart.”

“I didn’t know you could be so petty. And the things you pointed out about them are features they take pride in. Do you mind telling me what you whispered to them that made their jaws drop, because I really want to know.”

You blushed and turned away from him, kind of embarrassed about what you said. It wasn’t a lie, but you weren’t sure how he’d react. “I don’t know, it is kind of embarrassing on my part to tell you.”

“Oh, okay. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“No, umm, I don’t mind. Just umm, please don’t make fun of me.”

“I won’t hun.”

“Ok so uhh, I said that your voice does things to me that I can’t explain.”

“It what? Wait, you mean like umm, in that way?”

You folded in on yourself and nodded yes, your face burning hot.

“Sweetie, that is nothing to be embarrassed by. There are things about you that make me feel the same way. But those feelings are nothing we have to explore any time soon, or at all. If we are together for 20 years and you finally feel like going down that path I will be ok with that. I am never going to force you to try or do anything you don’t want to, except maybe going on an airplane because I want to take you on a nice vacation, but I’d let you squeeze my hand the whole time we are in the air.”

“Thank you, that really means a lot. So, why are we up here today?”

“We have to tend to some of the plants. Watering and weeding mostly. Some of the tomatoes might be ripe so we can pick those.”

“Okay! Lead the way, sir!”

He taught you a bit about every plant you took care of, why he chose to add it to the garden, how he learned how to care for it, and how to care for it. As you were kneeling and weeding the planter with onions growing in it, Matt silently slipped away and cut you a small bouquet of flowers. When you turned around he was standing there holding the flowers close to him in one hand and had his other hand extended to help you up. Once up, he handed you the flowers and walked you over to a bench to sit at.

“(y/n), I know we have only been dating for like 18 hours, but I want to know if it is ok to call you my girlfriend.”

“Oh Matty, yes! I’d love to be called your girlfriend, and call you my boyfriend!”

“Really? That is great! Could we take a picture so I can show my mom my beautiful girlfriend? And for me to have when we aren’t together.”

“Only if I get to take it and you send it to me.”

“Sounds like a deal, here’s my phone”

After some adjustment of your positions, you took a very cute photo of the two of you that included your bouquet. You handed his phone back to him and kissed him before getting up and wandering around the garden looking at all the plants. Matt continued to sit on the bench and look at the picture you took before sending it to you. He then just silently watched you as you went from plant to plant, and took a few photos of you when you weren’t paying attention to him.

He was brought out of his daze when you called to him, “Hey, Matty, can we get some lunch soon, I’m getting kind of hungry.”

“Sure sweetheart, what are you in the mood for?”

“Hmm, a burger, fries, and a milkshake!”

“I know just the place, we will leave in a few minutes, let me put away the tools.”

You invited Ben and Kylo to join you for lunch, but they declined saying they would order pizza and also apologized for their behavior at breakfast. Matt drove the two of you to a quaint little 50’s themed diner just a few miles away.

“Holy crap, Matt! I haven’t even been in there yet and it is already my new favorite restaurant. We definitely have to dress up in 50’s clothes and come for a date another time.”

Matt couldn’t contain his smile at your excitement about this little diner, “Noted, sweetheart… Wait, you have 50’s style clothes?”

“Yeah, I do. I like to dress dapper sometimes so I have a few swing dresses and circle skirts and petticoats.”

“You’re amazing. And how about we actually go inside to get what we came for.”

“Let’s! I’m starving.”

Your meal was great, you geeked out about the interior for a large portion of the meal and Matt was just fine watching your excitement and happiness. He knew he could get used to this, spend his days with you and taking you places that brought out your inner child’s excitement. He knew from that point on, he would do all in his power to hold on to you for the rest of his life.

[thegastricadventure]

Welcome to Surgery Day!

Alright so, this was an interesting turn of events. You go in to the OR and honestly I remember doing breathing exercises to try to keep myself calm. I don’t even remember the people telling me to count backwards. I think they already knew I was freaking out and knew I was in my own zone to keep myself calm. It was nice, the whole staff was great!

They sat with me before hand and helped keep me calm and were talking to me until things went back. I know I was kind of out of it because every time they asked for my birthday I would say 1983. Of course this threw them off and they asked for my whole birthday and would sigh and go “1 - 9 - 8 -3. 1983″ It took a second for them to get it but I have always been amused that my birthdate is also the year I was born.

So the surgery went well for me. I had other things happen that most people won’t. I have a scarred liver so the doctor took a biopsy of it to make sure everything was functioning right and there was nothing else wrong with it. He told me late that day that there was a lot of scarring but it looked like it was repairing itself. The liver is just as amazing as your skin yaknow? It repairs itself. You could lose the majority of it and it will regrow. It will be slow but it does it.

Because of him seeing the scarring I had to explain about how we found out I was allergic to acetaminophen (Tylenol, Ofirmev, Mapap, Pharbetol, FeverAll, Tylophen, Tactinal --- It is called different things all over the world}.

Side Storytime:

Back when I was 25 I got the flu really really bad. I was taking Nyquil and Dayquil as directed on the packaging. I was going on a week of taking them and was getting ready to make a doctors appointment to see what else they could do. So poor sick me was at home with my then boyfriend and our roommates. One of them called and needed a ride home from work. I was the only one who could drive legally so I sighed and said sure. I wasn’t going to make someone walk home 2 miles in snow and cold. So I left and picked up my friend and started to drive back home. Suddenly I saw darkness creeping into my line of sight. Just the periphery, but it was slowly overtaking all of my eye site. I pulled off the main road and onto a side road and pulled over onto a side walk.

Low and behold I pulled over and went into park right before I blacked out for a minute or two. By the time I woke up there was a stranger there pulling me out of the car and wrapping me up in blankets. The amazing part was he was an off duty EMT and knew what to do. He called his buddies and they came and picked me up, my friend drove my car home (we were seriously like 3 blocks from home!) and he told everyone what happened.

I was put into an ambulance and driven to the hospital (funny enough it was the same hospital I am had my surgery at!) I was rushed inside and they did blood work. I severely dehydrated, had no potassium in my system and of course a ton of acetaminophen. Because of that last thing there I was put on suicide watch. Oh boy, what fun that was. I was strapped to a bed and had to have someone in the room with me constantly. When the doctors finally came in to talk to me they found out I hadn’t tried to kill myself I just had a build up of acetaminophen in my system. So after that I still had to have nurses/security in the room with me but I ended up getting all the pregnant nurses who shouldn’t be on their feet for long stretches of time anyway (since you have to stay on suicide watch until you are cleared by a psychiatrist). We both enjoyed it, all of them got to hear my dad jokes and funny stories while I was on a drop with potassium and fluids. About 3 hours into the stay there, they came in to give me the counteraction of acetaminophen and left again.

About 20 minutes after the injection I was in the middle of a story and I stopped. The nurse asked me if I was okay and I asked her if my legs should feel like they are on fire. She said no and came over to uncover my legs. They were swelling up and bright red. That was all I remembered for the rest of the night. I apparently blacked out, my heart rate went erratic and it was scary. I was having a seriously badly allergic reaction to both the acetaminophen and it’s counteraction. They all felt back by the time I woke up, and then informed me I was allergic to both. My liver would not process either of them so I needed to avoid both as much as humanly possible (which is hard as hell since acetaminophen is in everything).

Later that morning the psychiatrist came in and asked my the usual questions: Are you depressed? Are you thinking of harming yourself or others? Have you thought of killing yourself?

Me being who I answered “Everyone gets depressed in winter, the lack of sun does that. Everyone has thought of hurting someone or themselves at least once in their life, but the question is have I ever thought I could act out those thoughts and if that is the question it is no. I don’t need that drama in my life. As for suicide? Nah. I’m too lazy for that crap.” From there I explained why I was too lazy, and why I thought killing myself would be too much work. I was obviously cleared as soon as I finished that explanation.

However, now I had a new story about how I am allergic to acetaminophen and probably have a damaged liver. Luckily I had friend and family who look out for me with medications and are constantly looking for things that doesn’t have acetaminophen in them. I have found a few but man, they are far and few between.

TLDR: The hospital though the flu meds were how I was killing myself and they almost killed me trying to get the acetaminophen out of my system.

I probably won’t know the results of the biopsy until I see my doctor on our follow up later this month.

After you are done with the surgery you go into a recovery area where they wake you up. Since there is a tube down your throat while you are being operated on they give you ice chips to suck on and such until you are cleared for clears (ha).

My room wasn’t ready right away so I stayed in the recovery back for longer that I probably should have been and I had a nurse with me the whole time because I had oxygen issues (this always happens with anesthesia and me) and the entire time she was pretty much prepping me for my ride upstairs. By the time I was going up I was fully awake and having deep conversations with the nurse and two orderlies that were moving my bed.

The room I was given to do my overnight recovery was huge it probably could have two people in it and their families comfortably. I met my mom, new nurses and staff and said good bye to the surgical recovery team.

My mother helped me unpack a little so I could have everything I needed within reach and gave me a hug and kiss before she left again. We did live an hour away and my daughter had homework she needed to do that night. Plus my mom had to be home so I could video chat with the kid later that night.

I was on IVs and pain killer drips for a bit, and they had my legs in these cuffs that randomly squeezed my calves to keep the blood flowing so no clots would happen. However, about 4 hours into my stay I decided I was done just laying there, plus I really had to pee. So I called in my nurses who helped unplug me from the various machines and helped me wheel myself to the bathroom.

I previously had made a promise to myself before my surgery that every time I got up to pee, take a shower or whatever I would going to try to walk a lot. Even if it was only to my door and back. So I kept my promise after I showered I asked if I could walk out in the hall, the nurses looked at me like a grew a second head but said sure. So thus began my new adventure of seeing how many people were on the same floor and wing as me and what their  surgeries were (since what we all had had done was listed on the outside of our doors). So I walked the lap they plugged me back in and asked if I could eat. So I started on clears.

I ate my food and started to sip on water and suck on ice the rest of the evening while I watched the election results start to poor in. About that time I called my family and video chatted with my kid. According to my mom and dad when I got off the phone with her, it was like a weight was lifted off her chest and she took a shower and went straight to bed. She was obviously more stressed about everything than what she was letting anyone know. Seeing me in the video helped her know I was okay, but she said I looked really tired. I am not going to like I was really tired.

I kept with my promise, every time I got up I unplugged all my things and went pee or got more water, then walked a lap. Each time my lap got bigger and bigger. The nurses were only ever called when my heart monitor leads fell off or I needed something like ice.

They said I was an anomaly, most people who went through what I did they had to force out of bed to walk around. I was doing it on my own. The majority people were calling them constantly for pain medication, I stopped taking any pain meds about 9pm that night, it didn’t hurt so why take something I didn’t need? Plus they were always asking if I though I needed it. I think they did give me some around 3 am, because my little insomniac self couldn’t sleep so I was finally able to get about 4 hours of shut eye which helped out a lot.

Come the next morning I got more new nurses and the night shift left. They did come into the room before they left to say goodbye because everyone knew that I was going home as soon as I talked to the doctor. That morning my doctor came in way earlier than anyone thought he would. We talked about my biopsy and how the surgery went and my recovery times. I asked him if I was allowed to shower and he said of course. So after he left I called in my nurse and asked if I could get towels and such for my shower.

Again after the shower and when I had redressed I was off walking laps again.

It was around noon that  I finally went home, after I could prove I could eat liquids and keep them down. The nurses all came to say good bye to me and had one of them walk me down to the entrance, they asked if I wanted a wheel chair and I said naaaah, I needed to keep moving or I would get lazy.

By the time we got to the entrance my parents had finally pulled up and I got into our car and left to go home. You better believe after I got home I ate some lunch (cream of chicken soup and pudding for the win) and went to go take a nap in my own bed.

I was in the hospital for a grand total of 28 hours, most people I guess are there for 36-72. So I guess I should be really thankful for my stubborn genetics and my normal diet. My whole family heals quickly and usually refuses to let ourselves become completely inactive. We just want life to get back to normal as fast as possible.

[buckywintersoldierbarnes2017]

A Hidden Pain - Part 9

Original request from anon: Could you please write a Bucky x reader where she works as the teams assistant? She’s got a violent bf but no one knows about it until he assaults her at one of Starks parties. Bucky steps in and kicks his ass. He helps her move out of her place to live with him since he’s got his own floor at the tower.

Note: Thank you to the amazing @buckysmetal-arm for being my beta on this! Bless her for reading through soooooo many words! I definitely got carried away with this particular chapter. I am loving this story so much I really don’t want it to end anytime soon! :’( Bucky x Abused!Reader (Steve x Reader) Words: 3,462 (#sorrynotsorry!) Warnings: Drunken behaviour, language, angst, upset, mentions of injury and abuse .....think that’s pretty much it really for this chapter. Disclaimer: None of the GIFs used are mine so all credit goes to their wonderful reators <3

A Hidden Pain Masterlist

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11

“That is completely unfair Steve!” Your voice rings out around the research facility as you throw a fistful of paper money at the blonde sat across from you. An action of which was met with a satisfied laugh from him. “Not only have you bought the two most expensive places on the board but you’ve now put hotels on them?! No wonder Bucky always told me never to play this game with you.”

“That’s because Buck has always been a sore loser and doesn’t like the fact that I can well and truly kick his arse in this game.” He counted each and every note you had just handed to him almost as though he was making sure you weren’t trying to con him, a shit-eating grin that Bucky would have been proud of stretching from one ear to the other. “…and by the current pout you’re throwing my way I am beginning to think that you two have even more in common with each other.”

A glare was the next thing to be thrown in his direction as you folded your arms across your chest in a huff and turned your attention to the capsule that was standing not too far from where you were sat.

“I hope you’re listening to this Bucky. When you wake up I think it’s about time we dial down Captain America’s ego here.”

There was a playful smile spreading across your lips but the one that had been decorating Steve’s soon faded as he watched you speaking to his best friend. The thin lies appearing on his forehead showed the concern he was currently feeling towards you.

“[y/n]….”

You hate that tone, you had heard it more than once, and so immediately you roll your eyes before turning to look at him.

“Don’t.”

It’s the only word that leaves your lips but it is all you feel you need to say to him because you knew exactly where he was about to take this conversation and you didn’t want to hear it.

“It’s been over a year and they are still no closer to finding a way to wipe those words from his mind. You can’t stay down here any longer.”

You run your tongue along your cheeks and gum, holding back the annoyance you felt at his words, and stood yourself up from the table. He should know by now that you didn’t care whether it took another ten or twenty years you were going to stay down here until he woke up. You had failed him once before and you were damned if you were going to do that to him again.

Steve stood himself up not long after you and his hand reached out to grip your arm before you tried to move further away from him. As you looked into those blue eyes of his you did so with such intensity that you actually realised there was the smallest hint of green inside of them….you had never noticed that trait of his before.

“I know you don’t want to hear it but what kind of life are you really living down here? In fact….when was the last time you went out and got something as simple as some fresh air?”

It was a simple enough question but he knew it was one you couldn’t answer. You hadn’t been on any other level of the tower since finding out Bucky was down here; all your rehabilitation from the injuries you had suffered had been done here, your work was always delivered by either Vision or Steve, and the research team had even transformed a store cupboard close to the capsule into a room so that you had somewhere to sleep. You no longer rented your apartment so this was now your home.

“I’m fine here Steve. I get regular exercises, the research team make sure I am okay, and I still get all my work done and more.” You look at your hands as they come to rest on the door of Bucky’s capsule and your eyes close as you rest your forehead against it. “He was always there for me…..I can’t let him down now Steve. There’s nothing for me outside th0se doors. Not anymore.”

THREE YEARS AGO.

You were stood outside Bucky’s room door and the amount of time you spent standing there your intense stare could have burnt right through the steel. If Josh ever found out you were here, especially outside this particular door, there would be hell to pay….more so than you had already experienced tonight back at home.

No. You shouldn’t be here at all.

Turning on the balls of your feet you were more than ready to just walk away right now and just deal with whatever mood your boyfriend would be in when you got back home but you head the door to his room and before you could go anywhere you found yourself face to face with him…..a little TOO face to face given that the tips of your noses were pretty much brushing across one another’s.

“[y/n]? What are yo-“ His blue eyes look down towards your hand and spots the two metal spoons along with the tub of ice cream and the perplexed expression that had once been on his face softened to a more worried one. “Another fight with Josh?”

You nod silently before showing him the flavour of the ice cream you had picked up from the store.

“Its peanut butter cup…..our favourite.”

You smile as much as you can despite the horrendous night you’d had and within seconds you felt his flesh hand taking hold of your free one and pulling you into his room. It didn’t matter to him that he was about to go to the gym and have a workout, vent the frustration he was feeling from the nightmares he’d had the previous night, because you needed his attention and in his eyes you were far more important than the need to go to the gym.

“Well I guess since you have brought our favourite I can hardly kick you to the curb can I?” He threw you a playful wink before pulling you down onto the couch in his room to sit next to him. As you fell down onto the dark grey cushions a grimace crossed your face. To anyone else they probably wouldn’t have noticed but Bucky’s caring eyes had been on you the whole time so he saw the whole thing. “You okay [y/n]?”

“Other than causing yet another fight? Yeah….I guess.”

There was a hint of hesitance in the undertone of your words and immediately he took the ice cream and spoons from your grip and placed them onto the floor as he took both your hands in his. You had known him for over a year now and still the feeling of both hot and cold when you had your hands in his took you by surprise, causing your breath to catch inside your throat. Your eyes glanced down to his metal hand, the one that he had been so scared of having anywhere near you when you had first met, and yet now he was comfortable enough to use it to show his concern for you.

“Don’t hate me for asking you this doll but did he…..” Your heart raced during his short pause as he contemplated whether he should be asking you this or not because you knew EXACTLY what he was going to ask you. “…hurt you?”

Great. Now you were going to have to risk your friendship by lying to him.

“Oh you mean because of that wince?” You had been doing this for years now, covering up what Josh does to you when he is angry, so the whole act comes like second nature to you. “Stop panicking….I was so angry and upset as I was leaving the house that I walked into the front door okay?”

You noticed his brow raising and the expression on his face that silently said ‘seriously?’ and immediately you threw his own expression back at him.

“Yes. Seriously Bucky. So you can stop looking at me like that. Especially given that you walked right into the fridge the other day.”

“I’m hurt that, as a good friend, you would make me remember that.”

Almost as though you were attuned to one another the corners of your lips tugged up into a playful smirk thrown in the others direction before he launched his metal arm towards the ticklish spot near your hip. A scream erupted from you as you fell back on the sofa, your foot kicking the tub of ice cream over as Bucky hovered his broad frame over you, his hand was mercilessly attacking your hip and you had to hold back the winces of pain each time he hit the bloodied bruise covering it.

Then as quickly as he had started the attack he stopped but remained over you as his metal fingers moved up to your hair and started to gently play with the locks of your [h/c] hair.

“You know that I would protect you right?”

“Well I would hope so given that’s what The Aven-“

“I don’t mean because it’s my job. I care about you [y/n] and if I was to find out that anyone had hurt you or so much as even tried to…”

You felt the grip of his metal fingers tightening on the locks of your hair as a darkness flashed in the eyes that were boring into yours. Not wanting him to lose yourself you removed his fingers and intertwined them with yours.

“I know Bucky. Thank you. But don’t ever lose who you are just for me. I’m not worth it. Now however much I love soppy moments I am kinda wanting to eat that ice cream before it becomes completely liquefied.”

“Fuck, sorry!”

He scrambled off you, rather clumsily to say the least, and reached out for the frozen treat you had brought around. Had you not been so focused on the new pain radiating from your injured side you might have caught a glimpse of the super soldier’s cheeks blushing a deep crimson colour.

“I know you don’t have Buck right now [y/n] but there is still a lot here for you.” By the tone in his voice it was clear that your words had hit him harder than you had meant for them to but before you could turn to apologise to him you find him standing by your side as a hand came to rest on your shoulder. “You’ve got me for a start. I care for you and, actually, I would consider you my family just as much as I would Buck.”

“Really?”

You and Steve had always been close and until Bucky had appeared in your life he had been the closest friend you had here but you hadn’t once thought he would see you as family. It truly warmed your heart to hear him say that  and despite the immense sadness that consumed you on a daily basis it was enough to bring a genuinely grateful smile to your lips as you rested your head onto his shoulder.

“Really.” His hand fell from your shoulder and came to rest on your waist instead as he pulled you into him more. “Which is why if you’re going to continue to be stubborn and not leave this room to socialise then I am going to bring the socialising to you.”

A childish groan leaves your lips as you roll your eyes, a reaction that amuses Steve far more than it should have done.

“Oh good god Rogers what have you done?”

“That’s Captain Rogers to you grumpy pants. Now just go and freshen yourself up. I will be back with you soon.”

You didn’t move right away, your eyes having narrowed to look at your friend in a rather suspicious manner, but when you felt his hand playfully hitting your arse you yelped out and pushed him away with a smile.

“You are going to pay for that.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever…..I know that’s just an empty threat. Be ready in an hour!”

He left the room before you had a chance to send a snarky remark his way and when you were in the room with just Bucky you glanced over to him with a slight pout on your face.

“Now I can see why you call him ‘punk’ …..I am so making a tally chart of how many times you need to punch him in the arm when you are awake again by the way.”

                                         * * * * * * * * * *

The room that even on a busy day would only be home to five people at the most now seemed to be fit to burst with the people Steve had invited down to this little makeshift party. You still couldn’t believe he had done this, you had never been a party person because with Josh as a boyfriend he’d never allowed you to……so if this was his way of making you feel better or more at ease about things it wasn’t working.

“[y/n]! Beautiful, gorgeous, sexy [y/n]!” Right on cue to make you realise this night actually was capable of getting worse was a rather intoxicated Tony Stark. “How’s the icicle doing today?” He wrapped an arm around your shoulder pulling you into him with such force that you almost spilled your entire drink on the floor but it didn’t seem to faze him at all.

“Bucky is fine. Thank you for asking.”

There is a bitterness to your tone that even someone as drunk as Tony could sense and within seconds his arm had been removed from around you and he backed away with both hands in the air as though he was silently surrendering. Throwing back the entire glass of champagne you had in your hand you quickly reached for another…..you were going to need a serious amount of alcohol to get through this night.

“That’s more like it [y/n]! I knew there was a party girl inside of you somewhere!”

Natasha made her way over to you with a rather sheepish looking Wanda at her side and although you were hardly in the ‘party’ mood you’d never had anything against the girls and so you greeted them both with a hug. More than grateful to see them.

“Hey you two. It’s great seeing you! I have seriously missed having some girly company.”

“Don’t you worry….we’re invading your peace down here tomorrow for a girly night so be prepared!”

The redhead’s voice seemed to get louder and louder as her excitement grew and eventually you just found yourself laughing out loud as Wanda threw you an apologetic look and pulled her away.

“I will go get this rowdy one another drink. We will speak to you in a bit.”

Rolling your eyes you down your second glass of champagne; shortly followed by a third when Sam came over and started throwing the usual digs towards Bucky around and then a fourth when Scott tried to shrink himself to show off to a couple of girls only to fuck it up royally and end up falling backwards into the capsule holding the man you loved.

Luckily Steve was there to chuck him out of the room quickly enough to stop you from going over to him yourself. Given the headache that was beginning to it you that was more than just luck. This is why after over a year of not drinking you shouldn’t down so many glasses in quick procession….something which you were regretting rather badly.

“I knew I should have kept an eye on you….how much have you drunk?”

Your vision was betraying you right now offering you nothing more than some blurry lines but the voice was recognisable as Steve’s instantly. Instead of responding to him with some kind of remark to feign soberness a giddy laugh rolled from your lips instead….and it wasn’t one that only lasted for mere seconds either. It went on, and on, and on until there really was a look of concern etching across his handsome face.

“I dunno bu-but….” Clearing your throat as a wave of nausea hits you your words only stop for a few seconds before start again. “…certainly more than you granddad! Y-You organised this….you should be having fun too!”

In your intoxicated state you hadn’t even noticed that he had been leading you into your makeshift room, not until you felt the backs of your legs hitting the end of it as he sat you down.

“Well someone needed to look after you didn’t they? Bucky would kick my arse into the other side of next year if he ever found out I just left you to your own devices when you were drunk.”

“You…..Captain Rogers….” Your hand clumsily cups his chin as you move him to look at you. “…are spectacularly wonderful! I-If I didn....” A dry hiccup hit your throat at that point and you held up a finger to signal for him to wait a moment as he simply looked at you with an amused expression. “If I wasn’t hopelessly in love with your best friend I would totally have kissed you right now.”

He stood himself up at that point, shaking his head as a boyish laugh sounded out from him, and as he turned to your chest of drawers to grab some pyjamas he made a mental note to himself that he needed to loosen you up on more occasions because you were highly entertaining.

“Now I know you are stupidly drunk so ho-“

He turned back to face you only to see that you had curled up onto your bed in a foetal position and were now fast asleep. A soft smile crept onto his face as he carefully crawled along the bed and nestled himself beside you, an arm protectively holding you close to him as he soon drifted off himself.

                                      * * * * * * * * * *

A pained groan left you long before you were able to force your eyes open….your eyes that felt like they had two lead weights attached to them. You had never been hit by a truck before, or even a car for that matter, but as you dragged your hungover self out of your bed you were pretty damn sure that this must have been a good representation of how it felt.

“Never….drinking….again…..”

You mutter the words underneath your breath as you claw through the darkness that envelops your windowless room until you feel the cold metal of the door handle underneath your fingertips. Your throat feels drier than the Sahara Desert right now and the only thing that was going to stop you from barfing there and then is an ice cold glass of water. In your tired daze you didn’t even notice the fact that Steve had been beside you in your bed.

The bright light of the research room not only blinded you, causing you to squint in an attempt to protect your reddened eyes, but probably also illuminated to anyone in the room just how awful a state you were in right now; hair looking like you had been dragged through a hedge backwards, dress from the night before still on, and no doubt your make up had run a little too…..oh the research team were going to just love you today.

“Doll?”

Your attempts at walking stopped as your entire body seemed to just freeze on the spot that voice….it had only been heard in your dreams for so long and yet now it sounded like it was in the very same room as you. Rather reluctantly, thanks to the ridiculously bright lights of the room, you opened your eyes only to be met with a certain brunette looking at you from one of the medical tables.

“B-Buck?”

The calling of his name came out more like an anguished cry as a whole onslaught of emotions hit you at that moment your mind not knowing whether to have your body running over to him or simply falling to the floor. A decision he seemed to be making for you as he climbed down from the table; but before he had even taken his first step towards you the look on his face changed from one of delight to one of pure confusion.

“Steve?”

“What?”

His confusion must have been catching because your brows were furrowed now too and as you followed his line of sight you were taken aback completely when you saw Steve stood behind you……coming out of your room.

“Exactly how long have I been fucking out for?!”

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[opepin]

oct/nov: week one

30: hm, i don’t know how i woke up at 9 / 10 am today... i got only 5 hours of sleep and i felt kind of awake the entire day. i felt a bit off but was pretty productive. kevin and i woke up at around the same time and he made breakfast and went to work. i didn’t eat but just went on the computer and started working on timesheet stuff. then i got on a call with phil. in the background, i did laundry and wrote down personal things i needed to do for the rest of the week. it was a pretty chill day. i just prepped for tomorrow’s session with phil and got on stand up. i folded laundry and then washed the blankets as well. i was going to take a nap but then i didn’t feel like sleeping when i got into bed. i actually got hungry and ate the last of the leftover fries from mindy’s fat cat order. lol. then kevin came back from work and i did about 50-60 minutes of random ab and cardio workouts in the apartment. i just didn’t feel like walking over to the studio and stuff. i was mentally tired.

i went to shower and kevin made beef stroganoff <3 omg, it was sooo good. he did use sour cream though... next time, we’ll look for a dairy alternative. i think maybe all of the dairy / junk food is catching up to me. my stomach feels pretty acidic and i feel fat and blubbery. we watched two episodes of yakitate! japan and then kevin washed the dishes and gamed. i stayed up a bit to watch youtube videos and a bit of anime. i got really tired though and just went to bed. lol i make it sound like i went to sleep super early. i slept at like 12 am or something though. 

31: i am just flubber and blubber right now. i did a hiit workout in the morning, but i don’t know if i pushed myself enough. maybe my body is tired from lack of sleep? after my workout, i showered and made my smoothie before heading out to work. i got to work later than expected thanks to the weird time gap after the 8:55 am train. i got to work and did some tidying up and prepping for the last training session with this customer! :) i got on the call at 11 am and then ate lunch in john and cole’s office lol. they had already eaten their lunch so i just hung around and talked with them a bit before going back to my office for stand up. dave and joe didn’t come in so i had the office all to myself. after stand up, i worked on a few things but also focused on figuring out the best health plan for me. with the help of john and the trusty internet, i found a health plan analysis graphing tool and it made my choice a bit easier. i ended my day doing some quick surveys and then left at around 4:30 pm with cole. we headed to cha time and beard papa’s again and then walked to south station. kevin was already waiting for me and we shared the mango smoothie he wanted. i said goodbye to cole on the platform -- he was frazzled because he missed his train :(

the train was packed and i was separated from kevin. :( lolol but we walked back home together with him looking like a crazy head. his hair was all over the place LOL. he said he was a mad scientist for halloween... kevin went climbing a couple days ago so he asked for a massage and i massaged his arms and back. i’m glad he’s feeling better :) then kevin played some dota while i watched some anime. we stopped to eat leftovers for dinner and watched an episode of yakitate! japan before playing trine 2. the last levels made me crazy. kevin had to pause the game so i could breathe and not get super mad at him LOL. co-op games really test your patience with people :P we finished trine 2!!! the ending was pretty crappy tbh. my head hurt a bit so we didn’t play the DLC and kevin went to game on his computer while i stretched and finished up an episode of the ‘classroom of the elite’ anime i was watching. i stayed up until around 1 am and then went to sleep.

01: i feel really tired and unmotivated to work out. i think the feelings about my weight gain have caught up to me T__T i did get myself out of bed and into the yoga studio to do my morning arm workout. then i did some hip exercises before going back to the apartment, waking up kevin, showering, and making my morning smoothie. kevin made himself a breakfast sandwich and then headed to work. phil sent me a list of things to do and i got started on that right away. then i took a break and ate lunch while watching anime. then i hopped on a call and then got onto stand up right after. i started thinking about christmas presents and stuff. the thought of getting an advent calendar is consuming me, but i don’t really need / really want a specific one. i worked on my to do list during stand up and then continued until the work day was over. it is now the start of my 4-day weekend! woot! :)

i went back to the yoga studio and did more arms and some back. i tried to do less weight today and better form. after the work out, i felt like i didn’t push myself hard enough (the next day i was pretty sore though). kevin came back earlier than i expected but i finished up my work out and headed back to the apartment. he was cooking chimichurri chicken and rice today so i showered and made my protein smoothie. i think i just chilled and waited for dinner. i forget if kevin cooked right away or if he took a break before cooking, but i think i got hungry ahah. the wait was worth it though! i love this recipe (not as much as the beef stroganoff)! it was creamy and garlicky, but it could have been a bit more creamy somehow. we watched two episodes of yakitate! japan and then kevin went to game and i went to watch my anime. i caught up with all the ones i’ve been watching and continued watching ‘the classroom of the elite.’ i went to sleep after. i think my favorite hobby is watching tv or shows right now. i mean, i could do something more productive but i think my mind needs a break from reality right now. 

i’ve been trying to embrace instagram again, but i still have some pretty negative thoughts when it comes to how people present themselves and the influence of social media on my generation and the generations after us. i just feel like so many teenagers and utilizing this as a way to get famous quick kind of deal. at first, i was really hyped about getting back on instagram and making a big move to increase my followers and stuff, but just looking at what my friends like (lol kinda stalkerish but i’m also just curious) i notice that there must be a million accounts with a ton of followers but that doesn’t mean they are successful or actually putting their true selves out there. i think that’s the biggest thing for me. i don’t want to ever post something that i don’t identify with and on social media and instagram, i don’t know what’s real lol. i’m the type of person to idealize people, situations, etc. so when i go on instagram and see all the highlights of peoples’ lives, i always need to remind myself that these are photos they choose to share with the world and it’s not the whole picture. i can get lost on instagram and feel real shitty about my life after scrolling a ton. but again, that’s just me and i need to remember that if i really wanted to change my life, i can at anytime. i just to be motivated and break through those obstacles. mmm, sorry... that was a tangent ahah.

02: sleeping in feels so nice, especially on a weekday when you’re supposed to be working :P this is day two out of six of my pto at home for the rest of the year~ kevin made me a breakfast sandwich and we ate breakfast together. then he was off to work. he was supposed to come back early to get a haircut but he left later than usual lol. i started my day finishing up ‘the classroom of elite’ anime. it was interesting... i might wait for season 2 but i’m not sure. the beginning was pretty slow but i feel like everything is going to speed up. then i started watching ‘knight’s & magic.’ the beginning of this anime is a bit rushed but there isn’t much of a real plot... i was super excited about the robots and magic though, haha. i ate lunch while watching and then stopped to try to install this laundry weighing stuff from a survey i signed up for. i realized their plug didn’t fit my washing machine’s plug and had to contact them. i put that aside and then got straight to cleaning the apartment.

i put on my ‘watch later’ youtube playlist on the tv and then thoroughly cleaned and vacuumed the kitchen. then i vacuumed the rest of the apartment and cleaned the entire bathroom. it took longer than i expected. i also didn’t expect to vacuum but there were so many crumbs on the kitchen floor T_T right after cleaning, i hit the fitness center at around 3:30 pm. i was scared away by a person in there (i was hoping no one would be there because it was the middle of the work day) but then i went in and did legs for more than an hour. i didn’t expect to do legs for more than an hour but my rest periods between sets was longer than usual. i used a 50 lb weight to do my sumo squats and deadlifts and i was about to die in the beginning of my workout. i’m still having a lot of trouble with bulgarian split lunges :/ i can’t balance well on my flat feet and my hips hurt a bit when doing them. maybe i’ll do them with less weight next time. my first workout took around 45 minutes, but i was supposed to do it in 30 minutes (was trying to fit two 30 minute leg sessions as i usually do on a regular weekday. i do 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening). so i pushed myself and did an extra 30 minutes on top of that. i did half with some weights and half mat work.

when i got back to the apartment, kevin reminded me that i volunteered to cook. this was a slow cooker recipe so i decided to wait out on my protein shake and showering. i made the sauce and when i took out the chicken thighs from the fridge, they were still frozen D:< it is my biggest pet peeve when i have to cook and my protein is frozen. so i left that out to thaw while i prepped the cabbage and carrots for slaw. i decided to work with them after i made myself my smoothie. my fingers hurt from pulling them apart, but i got the skin off of them and seasoned them and into the slow cooker with the sauce. at first, it didn’t look like they were cooking but they were (thankfully). kevin got back home and we played a steam game together. i forgot what it is called, but it enjoyed this one. we saved our progress after an hour of playing and then he went to run. i showered and then lazed around the apartment. we finished making dinner after kevin showered and the chicken was cooked. i shredded the chicken while kevin made the seasoning for the slaw and toasted buns. we made pulled chicken burgers with slaw for dinner. kevin loves this type of food but i don’t LOL. most of the time when i cook i don’t like what i make. the vinegar taste subsided with the bun so it wasn’t bad.

after dinner, kevin cleaned up and then he gamed. i continued watching my anime and almost fell asleep watching it. i got myself up to brush my teeth and hop into bed. i tried staying up watching youtube videos and then i almost fell asleep again so i just turned everything off and slept at 1 am. lol even on my days off, i can’t sleep too late xP

03: i feel like my eye bags get worse when i sleep in. they are pretty low and dark right now and i’m not sure why. hmm. well, i got up and then made myself a smoothie while kevin ate his breakfast. then he went off to work and i started day three of my pto at home this year ;D i finished watching ‘knight’s & magic’ in the morning; this anime was great and lighthearted. then i decided to watch ‘kimi no todoke’ because i wanted something sappy. then i spent some time packing up the laundry survey materials because i can no longer be a part of it :( the stupid plug is too big. sigh. i had to put in a service request to get someone to push the dryer plug back in because i didn’t have enough strength. lol, i felt super weak after the guy came in and took like 5 seconds to get it back in. ><’ i should have waited for kevin... around 3 pm or so, i went to the yoga studio and did a hiit cardio routine with a step :O it was intense! then i prepped for dinner and made myself a smoothie before showering. kevin got back and wanted to go running but i was hungry so we made dinner before he went for a run. we made shakshuka today and it was delicious!

after eating and digesting a bit, (lol actually, kevin was still in the apartment), i watched the latest episode of ‘jane the virgin’ and stretched. kevin was listening in as he was on his computer doing stuff hahaha. then kevin finally left and i finished stretching. the rest of the night consisted of complete relaxation. i think kevin and i played hammerwatch together for a bit and i watched ‘kimi no todoke’ for the rest of the night until like 3:30 am LMAO. the anime is so cute and addicting. my heart skips a beat when love scenes happen O_O” lol i feel like a haggard old lady.

04: i stayed in bed with kevin instead of working out lol. i really should have worked out before our massage but i wasn’t feeling it. i ended up doing 20 minutes or so of hip hop cardio later on in the day though. anyway, we slept in and then rushed to eat some scallion pancake with egg for breakfast and then left for our appointment at 1:15 pm. we got in and i had one of the best massages ever. my masseuse used the hot stones to religned or stretch out my muscles along my spine. it felt so good! i also got walked on today because i asked for a leg and back focused massage. i came out of the massage knowing that i was going to be super sore the next day. i felt like jello lol. we walked over to oh my tea and i got a hot honey oolong tea with boba and kevin got a large mango smoothie with boba. we shared an egg puff of course! we got back to the apartment and we were going to meal plan but i got so distracted by all the stuff on food52. omg, everything is so beautiful on there. i was also shopping at aerie too lol. 

flo and john took the train from south station to our apartment and we went and got them. we gave them a quick apartment tour and then they both showered and got ready for the wedding they were attending. kevin and i finished meal prepping and then we sent them off to their wedding LOL. we felt like parents sending off their children. at this time, we both didn’t feel like going grocery shopping lol. i think kevin went and gamed and i watched videos and watched ‘kimi no todoke’ lol. i really didn’t feel like going outside but kevin wanted to get grocery shopping out of the way, so we did. we went to ikea first to return some items and also to get dinner. we were hoping to be in and out real quick because it was already 7 pm and everything closes at 9 pm. we went to the return area and there was a 20 person wait... so we got a ticket and then waited in line to get dinner. i got the salmon and kevin got the swedish meatballs and chocolate cake. after we found a seat, i left with kevin’s credit card and the stuff to return it. sooo ikea’s layout makes it so that you have to go around the store to get to the check out... i ended up doing that only to end up at the checkout area where there were a ton of lines. i would look super suspicious if i tried going through one of the closed lanes or passing others in line.

so i found this lady putting away stuff at the end of the registers and asked her if i could pass. she said that she didn’t know if i had stolen those and that i should have returned my stuff when i got in ikea. i told her i have the receipt and showed it to her. she didn’t care. she just shrugged and said she wouldn’t let me pass. OMG wtf lady?! so i called kevin clearly frustrated and then i walked all the way back to him. i was really upset. what a rude lady. so then kevin took a stab at it. he took the elevators down thinking it would lead him to the front, but nope, he also had to walk around LOL. good thing he basically finished his food. i wasn’t going to finish my food but i did and i also ate some of the chocolate cake because i was furious. kevin went up to a cashier (person wasn’t busy) and showed them the receipt and they let him through. good thing there were only 3 people waiting now. i had lost our position in line (physically. i lost the ticket in my frustration) but they passed our number already. so we got to return everything, kevin came back, we finished eating, and we dipped. omg, i hate ikea now. i don’t want to go there for a while -____-”

by this time, it was 8:30 pm. all thanks to the lady, we couldn’t finish our grocery run. ugh. we stopped by bj’s, got our stuff, and went back home. i was still agitated so i did hip hop cardio in the apartment to blow off some steam. ajfbsjkdfbsjfsd. then i played helldivers with kevin for part of the night. lol, i’m getting better at the gamee (: i showered at around 12 am and then stayed up watching anime while kevin gamed. flo and john didn’t come back until 3 am? well, it was 2 am minus daylight savings time haha. we let them in and then went to sleep right away. it was about 3:30 am or something when we slept.

05: flo and john woke up early for the time that they slept at. kevin and i got up at around 10:30 am and brushed and made breakfast. i made my smoothie for myself while kevin cooked up a scallion pancake, dumplings, and soup dumplings for him, john, and flo. after i finished drinking my smoothie, i made my orders on aerie and they went through! yay! then i joined the group as we talked about random stuff. then they told us about their trip to iceland and where to go. we planned on going to fat cat for lunch so we drove there and kevin parked further than i thought he would so i was freezing in the thin hoodie that i wore. there was also a 30 minute wait so we ordered to eat in the car. lol, i wish we could have gotten seated :( the receptionist wasn’t very nice either. while we waited for our order, i casually said ‘oh my tea is the best boba i’ve ever had. lol, after that, flo and john were like, ‘we must go!’ so we walked over and they got a strawberry mango smoothie with boba and kevin and i shared a lychee green tea boba. flo said it was the best boba / smoothie she has had in the united states :OOOO woot! we walked back to the car and then drove over to fat cat to pick up the food.

we ate in the car and i’m so happy they liked the food! we ordered lobster mac, calamari, and a seafood red sauce pasta. mmm. they ate as kevin drove to south station. there was a bit of traffic but the HOV lane came through and we dropped them off at the bus terminal with minutes to spare (: it was great having them over! we drove back home and then rested for a bit. i think kevin and i are a bit burnt out when it comes to hosting people. ever since late september or so, we’ve been non-stop hosting or doing stuff on weekends. we went grocery shopping and then i did laundry. i was feeling akfjnskjdfs. my stomach hurt physically -- i think it was all the food i ate from last week and this one. x__x; while the laundry went, i watched a few episodes of ‘kimi no todoke’ and then when i put everything in the dryer, i did cardio kickboxing in the apartment with no weights. i was feeling really tired and sore but didn’t feel like skipping my workout. i took it pretty easy though and didn’t do much jumping.

kevin made us korean rice cake soup for dinner so we could heal from all the eating out. :P we watched yakitate! japan and then cleaned up. kevin went to shower and game and then i continued watching my anime lol. i finished folding laundry and etc too. i finished the first season of ‘kimi no todoke’ and my heart has burst so many times. this anime is so cute! lol. i slept at 1 am because kevin and i make the bed together and i didn’t want to interrupt his game ahha. i ko’d once i put away my phone. zzzz. hopefully, i won’t be sore tomorrow.

[forthehopebeyondtheblue-blog]

The Story of Abigail’s Birth

                                                                                            January 12, 2019

I’m propped up in bed with our sweet babe swaddled and lying besides me. Abigail Claire Shrift was born at 10:25 Sunday night on January 6 weighing 8 pounds 11.8 ounces. She is absolutely perfect. I can’t believe tomorrow marks one week of life for her. Early last Saturday morning (4:30 am to be precise), I woke up with some mild cramping. I got up to use the restroom and, upon inspection, realized I had lost my mucus plug/ had the “bloody show” as it called. I laid back in bed and was awake until 6:30 with mild, irregular cramping until I fell back asleep until 8:00 or so. This essentially was the start of it all. Esther was gearing up to go to the airpot that morning, but was able to change her flight to the following day since her ticket was with Southwest. All of Saturday I had off and on cramps (some much worse than others), but for the most part was able to carry on as normal… Minus, of course, the odd slightly exhilarating, slightly terrifying knowledge that labor had begun, but I had no idea how it would unfold or progress.

By evening, the cramping had began to worsen. I went to bed but only dozed between contractions before calling it quits on sleep and getting up at 11:45. From then on, contractions began coming every 3 to 10 minutes. Around 4:00am, contractions were close enough and for long enough that we called the birthing center. We packed up and made the drive to the center with Mom, Dad, and Esther’s concerned faces ushering us out the door. Upon arriving at the birthing center, the nursing monitored the baby’s heart rate and my contractions for 30 minutes or so. With the heart rate monitor and contraction timer (not sure the exact term) strapped around my belly, it was hard to get into a comfortable position, so it was a great relief when they had gathered enough data to remove them. The midwife on call checked my cervix (not a fun experience) and said I was 90% effaced (still not sure what that means) but only 3 centimeters dilated. Because I wasn’t far enough along, they couldn’t admit me into the hospital yet. They let me labor in the room for awhile to see if I would progress enough to be admitted, but by 7am the midwife’s shift was ending and we made decided to head back home without going through another cervix check. Before we left, they gave me some medicine intended to help me rest.

Once we got home, David took a nap, and I laid down for a little bit, but the contractions became too painful to labor through them on my side. The initial cramps I experienced Saturday had been replaced with contractions that radiated throughout my lower back and hips. We had learned in the birthing class that back labor is due to the baby being face up and one way to cope is to apply counter pressure to your back and hips. As a result for most of labor, David had the palms of his hands pressed into my lower back and would squeeze as hard as he could when the contractions came on.

During this time, Mom and Dad had dropped off Esther at the airport and were at a local church service. They came back, though, and Dad became my hip-squeezing labor helper for awhile. I sat on the exercise ball in the living room with my body dropped over a mound of pillows stacked on the couch. Mom held my hand and at one point got me some toast which I ended up throwing up. The hospital staff had told me to not come back until my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart for an hour. By 1:00pm the intensity had really ramped up, but my contractions were still 2-6 minutes apart. I hadn’t felt the baby move in awhile (one of the things they told us to pay attention to), so David called the hospital. I could hear David’s responses to the many questions they were asking him, and it sounded as if they didn’t think it was that necessary for me to come in again yet. At this point, I was in a lot of pain and was so frustrated that it was sounding like they might encourage me to wait it out more. Praise the Lord, though, we were told to come in. I cried on the way there from the sheer pain and exhaustion of it all, but the trip did not last long. The short distance the birthing center is from our house was a blessing I did not anticipate being as wonderful as it was. Upon arriving, a midwife named Blanch was on call. A slightly portly woman with a gray bob, she had a very motherly reassuring presence in a no-nonsense kind of way. After monitoring the baby’s heart rate and my contractions again for what felt like forever, Blanche checked my cervix and said I was 8 centimeters dilated! I cried tears of relief that I wouldn’t be sent back home.

After this, the timeline of things is a bit of a blur. Our nurse, Lynnette, was absolutely wonderful. I want to cry just thinking about it. At 7pm, Blanches’ shift was up and Jennifer Taylor, one of the midwives I had seen for my prenatal check-ups, came on call. When I was next checked, I was 9.5 cm dilated. Jennifer wasn’t in the room much but told me I would know when to push. It was a little unclear, however, since my contractions were all still in my back so I really never had the urge to bear down like some women describe. Throughout this time, I labored on my hands and knees on the hospital bed, tried out the birthing tub only to quickly get out once I realized I felt weightless and David couldn’t squeeze my hips like before, and on my side with the peanut ball between my legs. At some point when I had transitioned from my hands and knees to my side, I began to feel something in between my legs. This was before I began pushing. I frantically told the nurse I thought the baby’s head was crowning. She checked me and called in Jenn and the other hospital staff. It wasn’t the baby’s head but rather my amniotic sac bulging through since my water still hadn’t broken yet. Jenn told me I was ready to start pushing and had me transition to a birthing stool which seemed to help me bear down more. Pushing was incredibly hard, and the contractions were terrible. All throughout, Lynnette and Jean were encouraging me and coaching me through while David continued to squeeze my hips and be the world’s best support. I couldn’t have done it without them. I can still hear Lynnette’s voice saying over and over again, “Come on Mama, come on Mama, you can do it.” At one point, Jenn suggested that I labor through few more contractions then change positions; however, she changed her mind when I ramped up the pushing and more progress was made. I began pushing at 9:00pm and at 10:25, our baby girl was born.

There was a swarm of activity with a respiratory therapist present since the baby had pooped in the amniotic fluid and that can pose problems for breathing. However, she did great, thank you Jesus, and was passed directly up to me. In some ways, I still can’t believe it all happened and that was me- disheveled hair, eyes closed in delirium, hospital gown gaping open and then suddenly a bloody slippery baby coming out of me and being placed on my chest. They let me sit there a few minutes and then had me transition to a the bed where David cut the umbilical cord, I delivered the placenta, and Jenn stitched me up where I tore. Abi almost immediately looked for something to suck on and stuck her wrist in her mouth. After a little bit, David went into the waiting room to share the good news with Mom and Dad and to announce she was a girl much to all of our surprise.

Once Mom and Dad had met the baby, Lynnette helped me to the bathroom and I had one of the strangest experiences of my life. I was shaking uncontrollably and almost passed out twice. On the toilet, I couldn’t get myself to go the bathroom. It was like my body had no communication with the muscles in that area, and I began to wonder if Jenn had stitched up the wrong hole (haha not really but that’s what it felt like). I was finally able to manage a pathetic trickle of pee. Lynnette meanwhile wiped me down with a warm cloth and patiently waited. It was so humbling. I felt so weak, but it also gave me such a vivid picture of the Lord’s description of Ezekiel in His treatment and care of and for Israel. To be covered in blood and be weak and helpless and so tenderly taken care of was something that hadn’t even crossed my mind when I had thought about the whole birth experience. In Ezekiel 16:9, the word of the Lord says, “Then I bathed you with water and washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil.” After labor and delivery, I have a whole new perspective on that chapter. It also makes me think of 1 Corinthians 6:11, “… But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” After Lynnette helped to clean me up, I was wheeled to the postpartum room and began recovery. It wasn’t until the next day that we settled on her name- Abigail Claire meaning “father’s joy” or “gives joy.”

                                                                                                   March 15, 2019  

Now two plus months after Abigail birth, labor almost seems like a distant memory. Coming home from the hospital felt like resurfacing from Rip Van Winkle’s long slumber in that I felt completely out of touch with the world at large. It seemed hard to believe that world had continued as normal while ours was irreversibly changed. Now Abi is a 13 pound chunk who coos and smiles and takes in the world around her with wide blue eyes. For all of my fear and uncertainties, motherhood has been sweeter than I could have imagined. I continue to be amazed at the Lord’s gift of life.

I pray that Abi will grow in the knowledge and fear of the Lord and that I will remember that while we love her so much it hurts, Jesus loves her even more. She is a gift entrusted to us to shepherd and instruct and nurture. It is a sobering but sweet privilege. I know we will mess up and make stupid decisions because we already have yet that is the beauty of the gospel. Christ has already atoned for our sins and has relieved us of the burden of having to be “everything” for our child. In fact, our calling as Christian parents is to remember our own need for a Savior and to help our child recognize her need as well. In a world that is desperately trying to assuage the hurts and deep wounds of the heart with self-care and motivational manifestos, Jesus tells us we are not enough. We are broken. We are sinful. This grates against our modern “sensibilities.” We have become so focused on ourselves that we have forgotten that Jesus is not our self-help guru nor is He our self-esteem boosting genie. He is the Creator of the universe who has called us to pick up our cross and die to our selfish desires daily. It can be a really hard pill to swallow, but it is on the other side of dying to our sinful desires that true joy and wholeness are found. It’s not intuitive and I fail daily, but I pray that motherhood would be an instrument the Lord uses to draw me closer to Himself as well as to use me in Abi’s life to lead her to the One who knit her together in my womb and promises to never leave or forsake her.

[ships-and-saints]

Pale Skin and Onyx Eyes [11]

[Throne of Glass] [Elide x Lorcan] [W.I.P.] Chapter Word Count: 2991 words

Summary: Set after Empire of Storms, Elide Lochan and Lorcan Salvaterre are traveling with Rowan and Gavriel in search of Queen Aelin. Will Elide ever be able to forgive Lorcan for betraying her and her Queen? Where will they go next?

Part I: The Search - Ch. 1-8 Part II: The Journey - Ch. 9-14 Part III: The Mission - Ch. 15+

Chapters: [ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ] [ 4 ] [ 5 ] [ 6 ] [ 7 ] [ 8 ] [ 9 ] [ 10 ] [ 11 ] [ 12 ] [ 13 ] [ 14 ] [ 15 ] ... Read it on: [ fanfiction.net ] [ archive of our own ]

Elide awoke to birds chirping and sun's warmth, beckoning her to embrace the day. She groaned and flung an arm over her bleary eyes in an attempt to block out the streaming light.

It was day two of their mission. She had about a week to learn how to kill Vernon before they set out for Duke Perrington's wretched castle in Morath.

I just want to sleep, she moaned to herself. She rolled onto her side, facing away from the light, and sighed in relief when the sunlight shining down on her suddenly disappeared. Wait...

Elide's eyes snapped open and her dark pupils dilated, now wide awake and alert.

Suddenly, Lorcan's infuriating face appeared in front of hers. She yelped and swung an arm at him. He just grinned and vanished. She felt his presence above her, so she rolled to her left where he had stood a moment ago and scrambled to her feet.

Lorcan had casually flipped over Elide and landed nimbly on the other side of her bedroll.

"Good morning, sunshine." Lorcan's lazy smile put his sharp canines on display. "Ready for your morning run?" He casually sank down on his haunches, as if tensed to spring.

"Ughhhh," Elide groaned, rolling her neck and stretching out the kinks in her knees and back. She ignored how his crouched stance made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. "No, I'm not ready! I haven't even had any breakfast yet."

Lorcan tossed her what he had been holding - a nutrition bar, made of pressed oats and dried fruit.

Elide rolled her eyes. Better than nothing, she supposed. She hastily ate it and gulped down some water. She noticed that the ice last night had helped; her muscles still felt sore but didn't hurt as much as they usually did when she overexerted herself.

They started off with the same routine as yesterday, running until Elide couldn't run anymore, and then doing push-ups, jumping jacks, squats, and sparring until she could barely move. She had always acted unimpressed with Lorcan before, but now she really appreciated his intense focus and his analytical mind, the critical assessments and analyses he made while he watched Elide move. Skills that had made him a formidable commander. The near constant attentiveness nearly made her blush sometimes, even though she was intensely focused on training as well.

As she practiced sparring with Lorcan, she could feel herself getting stronger and the adrenaline coursing through her body as she continued to push herself.

After a late lunch consisting of berries, bread, and jerky, it was time for meditation again.

Elide had been half-dreading it, but she still sat down and closed her eyes. This time, Lorcan didn't leave. He knelt in front of her about ten feet away. Sweat dripped down her brow as the sun beat down on her back.

After some breathing exercises, he simply told her to think about who she was and what she hoped to accomplish with her magic. She rolled her eyes as she bundled her hair atop her head, letting out a deep sigh of content as a cool breeze swept over her neck. She focused on the questions he posed.

Who am I? Elide's brows knit together in deep thought. She thought of her mother and her father. She was the daughter of Marion and Cal Lochan, and her goal was the same as her mother's – to serve and protect the Queen of Terrasen, Aelin Galathynius, at all costs. That was what Elide would do with her magic.

And… she was the rightful Lady of Perranth, not her repulsive uncle who betrayed and took advantage of his own brother and imprisoned her in a tower for years. Elide would use her magic to kill him unremorsefully, exacting justice as he deserved.

She no longer needed to make herself small, make herself hidden. What she needed now was… the exact opposite. She needed to make herself seen and heard, to send fear rippling through her enemies, to make herself known.

Her thoughts drifted to what Lorcan had noticed and brought up, last night. He had mentioned that after she woke up from her… dream, her witch blood had smelled stronger somehow. She had just nodded and said she wasn't sure why, either. She had declined to offer any further details about what had happened, since she was still struggling to process what the memory had meant herself.

But now she had some time to think… When her mother had mentioned the Blackbeak witches, any lingering doubts that Elide had about her secret heritage were completely blown away. Her mother had said that she would help awaken her blue blood, should Elide choose to accept it.

As a child, before her world had gone to shit, she had always felt a slight chill whenever she looked into her uncle's dark eyes… Even then, her mother Marion must have sensed the darkness that lay within him. Her mother must have kept the truth from her and smothered her with a human scent to protect her from Vernon. After all, Marion had somehow known that in the future Terrasen would be in trouble.

Elide took a deep breath and tried to get ahold of her own scent, grappling to understand her own body's chemistry. Her nostrils flared as she strained to heighten her senses. She was acutely aware of Lorcan's presence, or really the lack there of – Elide could sense the stillness of the space he occupied as it came in touch with his dark magic. She also faintly noticed the nearly-invisible, dome-shaped barrier he had erected around them.

She registered a change in her scent then, jolting her to attention. Not a change; rather, she was now acutely more aware of it. She could smell it in her blood, something familiar, something but not quite like… Manon.

Elide's nose wrinkled; really, how had she never noticed it? She could smell her own human scent, mixed with a scent that reminded her of the wind and sun. Of the Blackbeak witches.

Somewhere in her mind it registered that she was at least making a tiny bit of progress with her blue blood, but she needed to focus on her magic. Magic from Anneith... what sort of magic would she have, if Aelin was gifted with Mala's fire and Lorcan inherited Hellas's darkness? Why couldn't she make any progress with finding her supposed magical energy?

"Breathe," Lorcan murmured, hearing Elide's breath start to quicken in agitation. She gritted her teeth.

I'm trying, she wanted to snap. But she let the annoyance go, focusing on inhaling a steady breath in and out. She needed to relax, so she could figure out what to do.

"What does your magic feel like?" she finally asked.

Lorcan opened one eye to peer at her and deliberated for a moment. He had to be careful with overwhelming her with too much information at once, while she was still mastering how to quiet her mind.

"A well," he answered. He ran a hand through his jet-black hair, and Elide's dark eyes opened to watch him intently. "It feels like... a deep well. When I want to use my magic, I sort of drop into the well, I tunnel through the darkness until I build up enough power, and then I shape the magic with my will before unleashing it."

Elide nodded, wondering how she could access her own supposed well of magic. She recognized that meditating was supposed to help, because magic came from within. She needed to be calm and aware enough to access her magical power.

"How much magic do you have?" She wasn't even really sure how magic was quantified.

"We base it on how long it takes for us to draw up every drop of magic in a controlled manner. For me, it takes about a day. Maybe a little more," he mused. Lorcan bet it would take him longer to pull up all of his magical energy now, since he had acquired more power.

Elide was startled by his answer, a whole day!? She was still trying to wrap her mind around that when he continued.

"But you have to be careful when drawing up large amounts, because it's easier to lose control and attack everyone around you, instead of only the enemy."

And then he explained to her what burning out was, what happened when you used every last drop of your magic in an unrestrained manner. He explained it often happened to magic-users out of desperation or loss of control.

"The iron in our blood repels the magic, causing the body to burn itself up alive," he said, "That's why it is so important for magic-users to learn how to exercise control, because on its own, magic cannot distinguish between ally and foe on its own."

Elide couldn't help turning his statements over and over in her mind as they returned to meditating. Her thoughts returned to Anneith. The ancient goddess hadn't whispered anything since that memory with her mother happened.

Elide went to the safe place she always imagined in her mind and tried mentally knocking on the door she pictured there. Hello, Lady Anneith? Hello?

She stayed still and waited, recalling all the times she had spoken to Anneith as a child, when she had been alone in her tower. Sometimes there was a response, but usually there wasn't, unless it was urgent.

There was no response now.

It was hopeless. They sat in silence for another hour while Elide furiously concentrated on making something, anything magical happen, but her mind wasn't clear or calm enough anymore.

Lorcan eventually suggested taking a break to do some chores. The sun was slowly dropping lower in the sky, which reminded him that he needed to check the traps and go hunting if necessary.

Elide didn't disagree about doing chores; after all, she was nearly out of clean underpants. And socks. And some of her pants had gotten dusty and could use a good wash.

"I, uh, need to do some laundry myself…" Elide trailed off, and before she could think better of it, she offered somewhat hesitantly, "Do… you need anything washed?" She half-expected him to reject her, but he paused and cocked his head, considering her offer.

Now that she asked, he did have a few shirts that needed washing. It had been pretty warm the last few days.

"I have a few shirts that need to be washed," he answered, watching Elide closely. A few locks of dark hair fell into his eyes.

Elide watched as he ran a hand through his dusty hair, and she nodded. "Just bring them to me and I'll wash them." She didn't know why she felt so nervous; she was obviously comfortable with doing laundry. Elide mentally smacked herself. Get it together, Elide.

Lorcan stood up and stretched, his tawny muscles flexing. He was like a cat, Elide thought, albeit a very large one. "Let's return to the cave, then."

They jogged back to the cave, and Elide started bundling up her dirty clothes with a clean bar of soap. Lorcan came up behind her with a couple of shirts in his hands. He cleared his throat softly. Elide turned and saw he was holding a couple of black, white, and green shirts.

"Thanks for offering," he murmured quietly. She took them from him and stuffed them into her bundle, wondering why she felt like blushing.

"It's no problem, I had to do my own washing, anyway." She shrugged and smiled slightly at him, before strapping the bundle to her back. She hurried past him, picking up a stack of dirty stone pots and plates before walking out of the cave. Elide exhaled in relief when she got a little further away from camp and didn't sense him following her.

In the rippling stream nearby, Elide washed the stone plates and pots they had been using to cook and eat with. She set them aside to dry, and after unbundling the dirty laundry, she began washing and scrubbing her own clothes first. The stream water was cool against her arms, and she soon worked herself into a rhythm, humming as she worked.

Soon, she had a heap of clean but wet clothes, and she tentatively reached over to pick up one of Lorcan's green shirts. She liked when he wore green.

Elide absentmindedly lifted the shirt to her nose and inhaled deeply. She could definitely smell sweat, but his scent was also… musky and woodsy. Like a forest after a rainstorm… Her nose wrinkled as she considered… She rather liked it.

Elide was so lost in thought that she didn't notice when Lorcan walked up behind her. He had come to let her know that he had hung a clothesline for the wet clothes when she was finished, but he froze when he saw her pluck his green shirt from the pile. He watched incredulously as, instead of shoving it into the flowing stream, she lifted it to her nose and inhaled instead. Lorcan couldn't help the smirk that spread across his face or that it kind of… turned him on.

He watched as a loose strand of dark hair fell over her shoulder while she stared at the shirt.

Lorcan cleared his throat. "Is everything alright?"

Elide jumped a foot when she heard him cough and nearly toppled into the stream. In her panicked state, she shoved his shirt underwater while whipping her head around to answer him.

"Gods, fuck – Lorcan – yeah – everything's fine!" Her voice had somehow leapt up two octaves higher than normal.

Oh gods, did he see!? Did he see me smelling his shirt? She was going to die of embarrassment. Or kill him. Or both.

Lorcan was trying to hide his smile as he took in Elide's mortified expression and heard her heart rate quicken like a rabbit's. Her face continued to heat up as she realized there was no way he hadn't seen her judging by the smirk on his face. As she struggled to find words, any words, to justify her actions, Lorcan smoothly let her know he had hung up a clothesline near the cave after she was done with the laundry.

Elide nodded vehemently, her voice still high-pitched as she replied, "Yup! Almost done! Thanks!" Then she turned back to Lorcan's green shirt and scrubbed it with a vengeance. She groaned internally.

Mortified. I'm mortified.

Lorcan picked up the freshly washed stone plates and pots and backed away slowly, containing the urge to laugh. He returned to the cave to continue preparing their evening meal.

After Elide finished washing Lorcan's shirts, avoiding sniffing any of them in an obvious manner, she found the clothesline that he had mentioned and hung the clothes to dry. As she neared the cave, a whiff of boiling stew wafted to her nose.

It was rabbit stew for dinner tonight. Memories resurfaced of all the times they had rabbit stew while traveling with the carnival troupe. Elide started to make a face but quickly smoothed out her expression. She didn't complain; she was still useless at hunting after all, and Lorcan hadn't complained once about feeding her.

Perhaps once I get my iron teeth and nails… Once I can control my witch side, perhaps then I can emulate Manon enough to kill the defenseless, maybe snap the necks of helpless animals like Lorcan does… Elide mused as she ate. Lorcan could tell she was lost in thought again so he ate silently as well.

They trained in more hand-to-hand combat after dinner. Elide was slowly becoming a little faster, a little more familiar with dodging and ducking. Her once-deliberate movements began to seem more natural. She placed more confidence in her punches and kicks, keeping her knees bent and her arms out in front of her.

Occasionally, her mind drifted to her meditation session earlier that day and how it hadn't seemed like she had made any progress. Lorcan continually told her that she needed time and not to worry, but once or twice she had seen his immortal face crease with anxiety when he thought she wasn't looking. Their whole plan revolved around Elide being able to use her magic, and until Lorcan knew what form it took, he would have no idea how to counter Morath's defenses. But still, he was patient, he encouraged her…

What if I just don't have it in me? She wanted to ask. But she knew, she could just somehow feel that she was different, that something stirred within her and that her bond with Anneith was not a coincidence.

Lorcan's fist passed barely a hairsbreadth from her left cheek; she felt the wind of his punch on her face and immediately skittered back a few steps. Lorcan snapped his fingers at her.

"Do I have your attention now, Lady Elide?" Lorcan drawled, smirking a bit. Elide shook her head to clear her thoughts and clenched her jaw as she sank down on her haunches, tensed in preparation. Lorcan quickly closed in on her and unleashed a particularly vicious series of punches and kicks. Elide was dodging relatively well, but he could tell she was tiring out as her returning punches and kicks were fewer and farther between.

She stepped back to take a breath after barely dodging a nasty right hook. She imagined if she had failed to dodge it and winced, glad she had been paying enough attention. She bared her teeth at him and let loose an annoyed growl. Perhaps the witch blood made her more aggressive.

Lorcan held his hands up in pacification and shrugged. "I'm sorry." His punches would have to be more careful, even though the way her witch blood pulsed set his own blood on edge. "Let's take a break."

Then he left to collect more firewood, leaving Elide to her own thoughts.