#me? still insecure about my portrayal after a year and some months of running this blog? maybe

[iluvyou-xoxo]

high

suna x reader

wc: 2.2k

you were completely in over your head. sure, you had the occasional blunt at a high school party or kickback, but never have you been to something like this.

your senior project about the film industry was just proven wrong as the girls next to you snorted a line off the kitchen countertop. in your suburban neighborhood, the parties portrayed in television or cinema were only that: something that directors and script writers created as they continued to fetishize the high school experience. your paper talked about how odd it was that films focused on the loss of innocence during those four years of hell and how extremely inaccurate the portrayal was.

but here you stand at your first college party since attending university for only about a month now. it was exactly as pictured in every movie that you once would have called “stupid as fuck", and now you wish you had paid more attention. 

everyone seemed to of had experience in these types of gatherings while you stood next to the sink with a red solo cup filled with only water. your roommate had dragged you to this frat house because she had to meet with her dealer and would much rather do it in a public setting. her smart decision was only your downfall as she had begged you to come too, yet ditched you fifteen minutes ago to go find him even though she said she'd be back in five.

a tall lean figure walked past you but it wasn't his perfect physique that got your attention, it was the strong scent of weed that clung to the cotton of his hoodie. once you looked up to see the ethereal face of rintarō suna, you immediately recognized him as your roommates plug and decided to ask him if he has seen your roommate that seemed to have gone m.i.a. while looking for the person only a foot away from you.

“excuse me,” you called out much louder than how you would usually speak, but the base of the speakers drowned out your voice. although suna had heard you, he didn't look around just in case you were trying to capture someone else's attention. when you timidly tapped the back of his arm with your index finger it was unmistakable you weren’t asking for anyone else.

he slowly turned around and looked down at you with a bored expression and a red flask in his left hand, “yeah?”

“i'm y/n, and I was wondering if you have seen himari; she's my roommate,” you quickly asked as you removed your hand from his soft hoodie that hid the hard muscle underneath.

“oh uh yeah...” suna said, unsure of what else to say.

“well, she said that she was supposed to meet with you quickly but it's been over fifteen minutes now and she hasn't responded to my texts.”

quickly he understood what you were asking, “we met up like ten minutes ago but right now I think she's hooking up with my friend aran.”

instead of responding, you looked down and a small frown pulled the edge of your lips in realization that the person that asked you to come for protection had left you even though she knew this was your college first party— hell, your first real party.

before you had the chance to decide on either waiting for himari to finish or to take your chances walking alone to your dorm room, suna lightly grabbed your hand and pulled you out of the kitchen. the two of you weaved through the bustling function until you reached the front yard that was littered with cups and bottles.

“aran said that he'd meet up with me as soon as they're done so we can just chill in my car ‘til then,” suna said slightly ahead of you with your hand still placed lightly in his as the two of you continued walking.

you were completely sober, yet his skin touching yours had your head spinning and all the danger signs that would have flashed in your head seemed of cut off when you were with him. although this was the first time you've ever conversed with suna, you had a slight crush on the middle blocker that you had seen in school games a few times.

the both of you approached a black car that flashed twice indicating that suna had opened the doors. to your dismay, he let go of your hand and walked to the driver's side as you made your way to the passengers. once inside he pulled out his phone to play some rap song that you had never heard of before and pulled up the middle console to reveal a mason jar with four pre-rolled blunts inside.

“you wanna smoke, doll?” the mysterious man asked.

“i don't have any money on me,” you responded quietly, shifting your gaze to the window next to you. a muffled chuckle interrupted your mile-a-minute thoughts and turned you to see suna show more expression than you had ever seen him hold before.

“baby, you don't need to pay if i offer it to you,” he explained with a light laugh at the end of his sentence. wow, his laugh is beautiful.

“oh, well okay then,” you reply timidly as you watch him take off the lid and reach over to pull a lighter out of the glove compartment.

he takes the first few hits, quickly putting your mind at ease in case it was laced or something, and then brings the joint to you. next, you take two pulls and pass it back, the cycle continuing until the car is filled with smoke and the blunt is near its end.

the silence between you two is comforting as there was no need for awkward conversation. it was just two people in a cloudy car, vibing to one of the many chill playlists that suna had. the weed had hit you full force and you suddenly started to chuckle while thinking about how happy you were that your annoying roommate ditched you, even though in any other circumstance you would be livid.

suna was just appreciating the calm that marijuana gave him until your laughter filled the car. his eyes that naturally hung low seemed to have deepened as he slowly looked over to you and poked your cheek with his pointer finger. “watcha’ laughin’ about?”

your smile didn't leave your face as you looked over to the most beautiful person you have ever laid your eyes upon. “oh nothing,” you said slyly as your smile seemed to only intensify.

“oh really?” he asked while slowly shifting towards you

“yep, really,” you said, but this time closed your eyes with a big smile still plastered to your face.

rather than saying anything else, suna only chuckled and placed a hand on your thigh while shifting in his seat so his head leaned back on the headrest. the small action made you're heart leap and eyes open again and you found suna with a calm look on his face with his eyes closed and head tilted slightly back.

his peaceful face made you realize that he has probably taken many people to his car for a smoke and called them endearing nicknames. rather than feeling dread, something you were sure to have experienced if you were sober, you came to terms that this would be your only chance to be close like this with him again. before you could even think twice about it, you reached over the middle console to grab his cheek and quickly brought his lips to yours.

either he had experienced this situation many times before or he had expected it, because he immediately kissed you back and not a single muscle tensed at the sudden move on your part. his lips slowly moved with yours and met your tongue with his own.

soon you got frustrated because even though you were making out he wasn't doing much else. you thought that by now he would understand that you wanted him to take you on the backseat, but he kept the pace slow and his hands stayed in safe places, one holding your mid-thigh and the other on the side of your neck.

you broke your lips from his and even though that pace had been slow, he somehow still managed to take your breath away. “suna, do you not want to touch me?” you asked with insecurity leaking into your tone unknowingly.

“baby, i don't fuck people unless they’re sober,” he said with a slight smile as he looked at you. although you completely understood where this was coming from, you couldn't help the frustrated whine that left your lips.

“then why did you offer to smoke if you knew we wouldn't do it afterward?” you looked down to his lap to he was definitely hard, but his face didn't give anything away.

“well i wasn't really looking to get in your pants just yet, but no need to worry babe, we can always pick up where we leave off,” next suna placed his hand on your cheek and began softly rubbing it.

three hard knocks on the driver's side window grabbed both of your attention. there stood a tall man with beautiful deep skin and you instantly recognized him as aran from the volleyball team.

suna rolled down the window and although most of the smoke had dissipated throughout your make-out session, the final bit remaining went out and drifted into the midnight sky.

“suna please tell me you're ready to go now. i can't keep stalling her forever,” aran said as he let out an exasperated sigh.

“where is she now?” suna asked with slight frustration.

“well, she was dancing with a few of her other friends so i decided to run out and see how you're doing out here. do you need more time?”

normally you would mind your business but now you seemed to let the thoughts you hold fall from your lips. “what are you guys talking about?”

“nothing baby, don't worry about it,” suna brushed you off quickly.

“c’mon suna, i can tell that this is going well since you’ve been in here for almost half an hour,” aran pressed. “i'm pretty sure you're going to have to tell her eventually anyway.”

“okay now i’m really confused” you replied.

suna stayed silent while glaring and aran, but aran only smiled at you while slightly shaking his head. “this boy has had me distracting your roommate while he tried to sneak in some alone time with you.”

the idea of suna, the most handsome boy in all of japan, creating a plan just to talk to you made you almost want to laugh at how farfetched it was. but shortly after glancing at suna to find him holding a slight blush on his cheeks and shooting his friend a glare, you understand that this was actually the truth.

there's an awkward silence between the three of you and aran was the first to break it. “well i'm gonna dip real quick, but i’m only stalling her for five more minutes so you better wrap this up.”

he quickly turns away and walks back into the party as suna rolls the window up again refusing to make eye contact with you.

“do you like me?” you cut quickly to the chase as your excitement can barely be contained.

suna has yet to meet your eyes but when he nods his head indicating yes you smile brightly at him and quickly place your hand upon his thigh to grab his attention. “you know, you should have just said ‘hi’ to me around campus or something; i like you too.”

when he looks up he holds a sheepish smile and is still dusted pink from embarrassment. “oh shut up and hand me your phone, we don't have much time and i need your number.”

wordlessly you hand your phone over once it's unlocked and on to your contact app.

“well your friend is waiting for you, aran should have already called an uber for you guys”

“well are you going to tell me how you knew id be coming tonight for this elaborate plan to seduce me?” you asked flirtatiously and in a teasing manner.

quickly, suna cupped your jaw and squeezed your cheeks together forming an adorable pout on your face, slowly making ‘tsk’ noises while swaying your head left to right.

“it's time for you to go now, sweetheart. i’m gonna text you later so we can plan a date and maybe ill let you know then.”

your eyes quickly light up at the word ‘date’ and you lightly nod with a smile forming on your face. as soon as he lets you go you lean forward to place a final kiss upon his lips and walk out of the car.

once you finally find himari, you get her into the awaiting uber, wave goodbye to aran, and tell the driver your address. the smile you hold doesn't seem to let up for the rest of the night and once you're tucked in bed at around three in the morning your smile only intensifies at the glow of your phone that holds two new text messages.

maybe: suna- hey, this is suna

maybe: suna- i have a game tomorrow and was wondering if you'd come..?

—————

date: march 18th, 2021

[katiesbooks]

Thoughts on Conversations with Friends

I hated this book. Let me say that again. I HATED this book. 

Content warning for sexual assault, self harm, and shitty age gap relationship power dynamics.

Honestly I’m surprised, because I loved Normal People and enjoyed Beautiful World, Where Are You well enough. And I read this one fast enough, but I really just wanted it to be over faster. I came to hate every main character individually, Bobbi only slightly less than the other three, which is quite the accomplishment for an author! Wow, I despised these characters. And it’s not because they were written to be unlikeable- I have no problem with unlikeable characters, so long as they behave semi-realistically. Every single character read like a deeply toxic and insecure teenager, which would have been fine but they’re supposed to be adults!! In particular I thought Melissa’s characterization was the most flawed. We’re supposed to believe this is some kind of well respected girlboss photographer, and yet she writes passive aggressive emails to her husband’s girlfriend like “hey girlie! I’m SO self aware. AND I’m better than you!” and doesn’t leave her husband? Who she doesn’t even like all that much?

And Frances? What the fuck was that characterization? Okay, she’s very observant, she’s not emotional, fine. But she sees Nick and thinks ‘this is a bland and uninteresting man’ then like a month later she’s in love with him?? It doesn’t make sense to me. And I know there were reasons for her to not tell Bobbi, but if it was me I would be RUNNING to my friends to tell them I’m having an affair. Which is maybe why I’ve never been part of an affair. But also because I have some sense of moral responsibility. 

Anyways, Nick. I actually thought his characterization was very well done, he reminded me of some of the men I know in real life the way he refused to take responsibility for his actions or his feelings. I just….reallyyy don’t understand the hype around him. There comes a time in every young woman-who’s-attracted-to-men’s life where you realize that older men who go after younger women are, without exception, kind of gross and fucked up. For some it happens earlier than others. For Frances, well, I’m guessing it won’t happen for at least a few years.

I’m never the person with the most emotional intelligence in any given room. Especially compared with my partner, I’m about as vulnerable and communicative as a rock. But I think I have more emotional intelligence than everyone in this book put together. 

There’s a scene near the end of the book in which Frances is “crying very hard” after Nick comes over. It’s made clear that she says it’s fine for them to have sex, and they do, though she continues “crying pretty badly”. This might be a hot take, but I don’t think it was “brave” to write a sex scene in which one partner is sobbing and the other partner keeps having sex with them. This book had so many unhealthy portrayals of sex but this was, in my opinion, the worst. I mean, it was triggering for me personally, and I’m sure other people had similar reactions, but even beyond that sex was portrayed pretty consistently as almost violent throughout this book. Sally Rooney, bestie, do we really need more media that normalizes these awful sexual dynamics?

I will say, the ending bears a lot of resemblance to the ending of Normal People in that it’s left pretty open, but you can still kind of see where the plot would go if the book were to continue. (It would continue careening off a cliff in this case). I really thought as I was reading it the one thing that might have redeemed this book would have been Frances and Bobbi ending up together. And then they did, but it didn’t feel as meaningful as it could have. Refusing to clearly define queer relationships is so 2012. I personally run in anarchist/communist-college-student-circles, and any good leftist knows that clear, healthy communication and boundary setting is critical in any relationship. So you’ll understand why I don’t like how their quasi-relationship was portrayed at the end. It’s not radical to refuse your partner healthy communication- nor is it realistic for a character like Bobbi.

If you want a character driven book centered around women’s relationships that’s not set in the US, do yourself a favor and read Ponti by Sharlene Teo instead. Don’t bother with Conversations with Friends.

[brightershadows]

Euphorically Honest-- Euphoria, Teenagers, and the Realities in Hardship

OVERVIEW

Euphoria is brutally honest about the hardships of life. Focusing on the stories of a group of teenagers in modern-day California, it navigates through issues of drug addiction, sexuality, masculinity and femininity, violence, and depression. It can be tragic and liberating. But it is honest. Created by Sam Levinson, a screenwriter for Assassination Nation and The Wizard of Lies,  the story reflects on his own experience with drug addiction as a teenager, as well as having a loose basis in an Israeli show of the same name (Stack, 2019). The story follows a group of young people of varying genders, ethnicities, classes, and sexualities, including the drug-addicted narrator Rue, new-to-the-suburbs Jules, Cassie, beautiful but easily manipulated, her kind and easy-going sister Lexi, Kat, who embraces her body type as she gains confidence through sex, Nate, a manipulative and dominating male with control issues, and his girlfriend, Maddy, who battles her self-identity and her reliance on Nate (Levinson, 2019). Euphoria can be seen as overly graphic, or critiqued as too sexual, but its mature nature allows it to unearth the ugly truths about life, living, and loving, and the beauty behind the hardships too. 

EPISODE TWO REVIEW

In “Stuntin Like My Daddy,” Nate discovers his father’s sex tape collection at a very young age, videos of his father having sex with several people. This is where Nate’s disdain male sexual anatomy stems from. Nate quickly becomes infatuated with Maddy. Whether disturbing or romantic, he fantasizes about hurting or killing the person who dares harms her. A series of flashbacks from Rue’s summer shows her consuming various drugs and getting high, fighting with her mom, waking up in the hospital, and singing in the car with her mom and sister, highlighting what she has gone through as well as her relationship with her family. On several occasions, Rue relapses. Reluctantly and unable to say no, she takes a dose of fentanyl. Unaware of the consequences, Jules is called to take care of Rue. Their friendship further develops. Kat learns that an explicit video of her has been posted to a porn website. When the video’s view count continues to grow, Kat is intrigued and signs for a web cam streaming account. Obsessed with Maddy, Nate begins stalking Tyler, Maddy’s most recent hookup. Maddy, still wanting to get back together with Nate, tells him that she was blacked out and did not mean to do what she did. This causes Nate to believe that Tyler had raped Maddy. Furious, Nate breaks into Tyler’s apartment and beats him half to death. At the end of the episode, we learn that the guy Jules has been texting is named Tyler but it actually turns out to be Nate.

Nate Jacobs is the typical football jock, yet he exhibits anger, aggression, and sociopathic behavior. Rue Bennett struggles with her own psyche as she suffers from ADHD, bipolar, general anxiety, BPD (borderline personality disorder), and drug addiction. Jules Vaughan is unapologetically herself, although she seems to seek attention, approval, and sexual relationships from men who are undeserving of her. Maddy Perez is the popular cheerleader who knows she is attractive and she goes after what she wants. She stands up to everybody else except Nate. Kat Hernandez may seem like a side character, the fat best friend, at first, but she finds her confidence grows as an individual. Fez/Fezco is Rue’s main drug dealer. Although he supplies her, he also cares for Rue and does want her to get mixed up with a worst crowd.

Although there are people of color in the show, there could always be more representation of race. Rue and her sister, Gia, are mixed, with a Black mom and a white dad. Maddy is Latina as both of her parents are Latino. Kat Hernandez is also of Latin descent but we do not see much of her parents or family. Every other (main) character in this episode is white, this includes Nate, Jules, and Tyler. This show, and episode, is not particularly making any waves or strides with their representation of race. And with the representation of race that they do have, there is no portrayal of racial identity, culture, or heritage. Jules definitely stands out as she is a transgender woman. She is currently taking hormones and her father and closest friends accept her for who she is. Jules goes on to have sexual encounters with older men as well budding romances with boys her age. Nate is a stark contrast to Jules, with him being set in his heteronormative, gender binary ways. Most, if not all of the characters identify with the gender that they present. The males, Nate and Fez identity as male. The females, Rue, Kat, Jules, and Maddy identify as female. The main characters mainly fall into one of the two binary genders. All of the romantic or sexual relationship aspects in episode 2 revolve around a male and a female, such as Nate and Maddy, or Maddy and Tyler, or even Jules and her mysterious texter (a man). To my knowledge, there is no presence of a non-binary or agender character. Jules, a transgender woman, challenges Nate’s notion of the strict gender binary system.

Euphoria definitely relies on stereotypes because the writers of this show intend on having the characters break said stereotypes. Kat is initially insecure and self-conscious. After she has sex for the first time and the video of the act gets leaked, she redefines herself. Her sexuality blossoms throughout this show as she also begins to have casual sex which normalizing women having and enjoying sex. Kat becomes comfortable with herself by wearing clothes that are considered more edgy, outfits that she would have never worn before. Kat’s character breaks the sexuality stereotype because the media hardly ever sees a plus-sized woman be expressed in a sexually positive light, even though it may not have started out that way. Nate’s character is embodiment of the toxic, cis-gendered white masculinity. He describes the perfect girl as dressing more feminine, acting like a “proper lady,” and overall more “girly” as opposed to “tomboy.” Because he is so uncomfortable with the male sexual anatomy, and even disturbed by how comfortable others are, he may have some issues regarding internal homophobia. Nate does not really defy this stereotype, his character is the epitome of this stereotype. Maddy, a cisgender, heterosexual female, understands the delicate nature of the gender constructed society. She has prioritized Nate and his needs sexually by watching porn in order to mimic what the porn actress does so that she can please Nate. Her sexuality is rarely mentioned, it only rises in conjunction with other boys. Jules’ character as a transgender person challenges the conventional gender roles and constructs. Jules is very comfortable with herself and her sexuality and is proud of who she is.The concept of a non-binary gender system perplexes many people. With the current administration, transgender rights are not protected. In fact, transgender people are continued to be discriminated against. The Trump administration has played a major role in “withdrawing regulatory protections for transgender children in schools, fought recognition of transgender people under federal employment laws, banned transgender people from serving in the military, rolled back protections for transgender people in prisons, and threatened to cut off funding to schools that let transgender girls participate in sports” (Thoreson). Although Jules is able to be who she want to be and live the life that she wants, this may not be the case for many transgender people in the real world outside of the show.

Today people are often quick to criminalize or shun drug users and addicts. They are quick to judge and want the most severe punishment to be given. But medical professionals know that addiction is a very serious disease, one that requires “treatment, compassion, and support” (Siegel). Euphoria attempts to destigmatize and humanize addiction. The legal system should not be punishing people who have abused drugs by putting them into a jail cell where they are isolated from society, instead these people need real help through rehab and various treatments. Due to the fact that Rue had several relapses once she completed her rehab program, one may say that these programs do not work; however there is no singular timeline to get better. It may take weeks, months, or years, and the journey is difficult. But society cannot give up. Social and political reforms concerning drug use/abuse and addiction is very much needed. 

EPISODE THREE REVIEW

In ' Made You Look,' Nate meets Jules on a gay dating app disguised as Shyguy118. Although Nate doesn't identify as gay, Jules reveals being transexual and quickly falls in love with Shyguy118, oblivious to his true identity as a classmate at the same school. Maddy becomes skeptical of Nate and searches through his phone and, in shock, learns of Nate's involvement with a gay dating app and nude sending with Jules. Jules's heightened obsession over the mysterious Shyguy118 leads Jules to agree to meet Nate for the first time in person near a lake at night. While all of this unfolds, Rue, who is Jules's supportive best friend, at first, entertains Jules's fantasies by helping Jules send pornographic images to Nate. However, tension arises when Rue exposes her worries for her best friend and undeniable attraction for her as more than just friends. Unfortunately, Jules did not reciprocate the kiss they shared. This sent Rue spiraling into a frenzy and falling back into the addictive habit of taking pills and getting high, undoing Rue's 60-day clean streak. Embarrassed, Rue runs straight back to Fezco, her drug dealer, in hopes to illegally obtain more drugs to numb the humiliation she felt. Fortunately, Fezco doesn't give in to Rue and shuts the door on her, leaving Rue to look toward Ali, an omniscient man she met at a therapy gathering for drug users to seek guidance.

Kat, a Tumblr fanfiction queen, masks herself while exploring her curiosity for explicit content and webcam streaming. She exposes herself to lingerie and twerking on her account; she agrees to perform a private camera meet with a man who falls in love with Kat's powerful and sexual dominatrix persona. Originally insecure with her weight, Kat eventually learns to embrace her curves and dives into a new and unusual world of femdom. This episode also introduces Cassie. She displays as a bold, open-minded party girl that isn't phased by frat party endeavors. McKay, Cassie's crush, invites her to his frat-hazing event, and they both fall deeply in love with each other, foreshadowing potential problems to come from concupiscence for one another.

This episode involves various races but is primarily white-dominant. Cassie is blonde and white, represented as audacious and open-minded. Maddy is a cis-gender Latina and, in this episode, victimized by Nate, a white playboy who cheats on Maddy. Rue and her sister are a mix from a black mom and a white dad. Despite various races represented, this episode minimally illustrates heritage background and racial and cultural distinctiveness. There are very minimal cultural representations and race diversity besides the racially represented individuals such as Rue, Maddy, Kat, Ali, and Fezco. Although the film is predominantly white race influenced, there is still a general race narration awareness displayed in the show.  

Sexuality representation is a flourishing topic within each episode in Euphoria. Arguably one of the most influential characters in this episode, Rue, a lesbian half black teenager, finds herself falling in love with her openly transgender best friend. This tricky love triangle is demonstrated between Rue caring for Jules while she cares for Nate. Jules is head over heels for her classmate, Nate, who hasn't announced is gay but is chatting with Jules on a gay dating site. Moreover, Nate's girlfriend in this episode, Maddy, is only now beginning to question if Nate is straight like he demands he is.This episode centers around redirecting the audience's view of how a character's sexuality is initially perceived to how each character's sexuality is either nonchanging or questioned and altered due to more self-awareness. For example, Jules, from the beginning, identified as transgender and unchanging while Rue begins to question her sexuality and feelings for her friend after kissing her. Male, female, and non-binary characters speak and act quite differently in Euphoria. Male actors such as Nate, Ali, and Fezco are very much dominant and slightly manipulative in this episode. Nate is a controlling and manipulative character fueled by curiosity and confusion. Ali is a mysterious, omniscient figure who sees past Rue's addiction. Lastly, Fezco shuts Rue out when she almost dies from the drugs he gave her. The females include Maddy, Rue, Jules, Kat, and Cassie. Non-binary characters were not present in this episode; however, Nate being on a gay dating site and taking an interest in Jules knowing her being transgender urges the question of what Nate's sexuality may be. 

Cassie, in this episode, played an essential role in breaking gender profiling stereotypes. When Cassie was at the weekend frat-hazing party with McKay, she stood up to the guys at the party and took a shot of water with a live goldfish in it without hesitation, while McKay was hesitant and wanted to reject the challenge. Cassie taking that shot was significant because she didn't abide by her gender role limitations. Instead, she proved that she could equally compete alongside the frat boys at the party.

Illegal drug use for underage teenagers is very much a political issue. The creator of Euphoria, Sam Levinson, opens up about his struggles with addiction growing up. He talks about how his personal history of drug use as a teenager animated Rue's similar struggles in Euphoria. It's essential to recognize that Rue was not using drugs because of peer pressure but because she was struggling with "obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), attention deficit disorder (ADD), general anxiety disorder, and even bipolar disorder" (Health, 2020). Many teens go undiagnosed with disorders like these and spend their teenage years fighting addiction and going to rehab centers, sometimes more than once in hopes of ending the addiction. There are other situations where undiagnosed individuals who don't fall victim to drug addiction still live a life of struggle with their mental illness. Euphoria sheds light on addiction and mental health and de-stigmatizes mental illness, a topic that should be further normalized and empathized with. 

EPISODE SEVEN REVIEW

“The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Pee While Depressed” tackles a lot of issues. In many ways, this episode is openly candid about the hardships of life and the modern influences of distraction and avoidance. The candor of this episode is heartbreaking, revelating, and so, so real. The episode before the season finale follows multiple characters, including Jules, a trans woman battling confusion about her relationship with her best friend and her changing life; Cassie, a beautiful blonde teenager facing an unplanned pregnancy; and Rue, a drug addicted teenager battling a major low in her depression (Levinson 2019). This episode follows many differing plots that do not intersect in its time; however, at the root of the 59 minutes is the juxtaposition of two teenagers, the structures of family, and the deconstruction of femininity. 

As a whole, this show is unapologetically divergent from the stereotypes of society. It does not hesitate to tackle hard issues, easily addresses controversial issues regarding race, sexuality, and gender, without negating their seriousness. It makes normal the darkness we all battle in our private lives, especially in this episode. In it, characters from all walks of life get a say in the plot. Not only is the narrator and main character a gay Black women in love with her best friend, we also follow the story of Jules, a trans women, and hear from Cassie, a straight cisgender blonde girl who falls victim to the confines of the patriarchy, allowing herself to be sexualized and invalidated as a possession by the men in her life (Johnson, 2014). My only criticisms regarding this episode’s diversity is that there is little male influence or perspective on the storyline, and further, that there is little diversity outside of “black and white.” That is to say, while there are many Black characters given voice to this episode (and, by default many white characters as well), there is little representation of other ethnicities. We do not hear, for example, from the perspective of an Asian-American. That, to some extent, is an area that can be improved as the show continues. 

Earlier I mentioned the juxtaposition at the core of this episode, and I want to dive a little deeper into that. Cassie and Rue are, in many regards, polar opposites. Rue is Black, gay, struggles with drug addiction and is a social outcast. Cassie, in comparison, is blonde and blue eyed, gorgeous, and popular. Rue is an older sister; Cassie is the younger in her family. But this juxtaposition highlights the conditions of the patriarchy that define familial dynamics, such as sisterhood and motherhood, both amplifying and deconstructing those norms. For example, at the end of the episode, Rue and Cassie both go to their moms, the caretakers, for help when they reach rock bottom. Those mothers show up, and they do their job: care. However, at the same time, these mothers have taken up the role of being the breadwinner for the family as well, defying the stereotype of reliance on the male for prosperity and survival. Rue’s mom, however, is portrayed as more successful and put-together than Cassie’s mother, whom we see to be an alcoholic and basically a hot mess. This is contrary to racial stereotypes that typically portray the black community as one falling apart and the white suburban mom as picture-perfect. The gender and racial norms that society and time have produced throughout our history in America are blurred as these two realities are expressed in this show (Scott, 1986).

This episode also attacks femininity. Speaking with her friends from the city, Jules, says, “In my head, it’s like if I can conquer men, I can conquer femininity” (Levinson, 2019). This conquering, or, as Jules later says, obliteration of femininity is addressed throughout the episode. Cassie, conforming to societal expectations, allows herself to be objectified and sexualized by all the men in her life, using that perception of beauty to define her over the course of her life. Rue, on the other hand, does not conform to femininity at all, as we see in the way she dresses, and even the persona of the masculine “detective” she took on in a manic state. These three approaches to femininity contrast each other, as each one represents a different sector of diversity: race, sexuality, and gender identity. 

Euphoria is inherently political. It brings to light the reasons why the personal is political, especially in the midst of an election cycle where the rights of those who don’t conform to societal norms are under threat. This show creates an avenue for those rights and the real people behind those laws to speak and tell their own stories. Not only that, it represents mental illness and drug abuse, revealing the realities of living with these issues and bringing to light the struggles of the individual and their community through addiction and mental health crises. The show helps create empathy; empathy creates connection.  And connection, more than anything else, is something we deeply need right now. 

CITATIONS

Euphoria creator Sam Levinson on his controversial show: 'I hope it opens up a dialogue' [Interview by T. Stack]. (2019, June 16). Entertainment Weekly. Retrieved 2020, from https://ew.com/tv/2019/06/16/euphoria-creator-sam-levinson/.

Health, A. (2020). How HBO’s ‘Euphoria’ Depicts Teenage Drug Addiction Accurately. Retrieved 14 November 2020, from https://amhealth.com/2019/09/25/how-hbos-euphoria-depicts-teenage-drug-addiction-accurately/

Johnson, A. G. (2020). Patriarchy, the System: An It, Not a He, a Them, or an Us. In 1046495481 799935172 G. Kirk & 1046495482 799935172 M. Okazawa-Rey (Authors), Gendered Lives: Intersectional Perspectives (Seventh ed., pp. 62-70). New York, New York: Oxford University Press. (The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy, (2014))

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019). Euphoria [Television series]. HBO.

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019, June 23). Stuntin’ Like My Daddy [Television series episode] In Euphoria. HBO.

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019, July 28). The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Pee While Depressed [Television series episode]. In Euphoria. HBO.

Scott, J. (1986). Gender: A Useful Category of Historical Analysis. The American Historical Review. doi:10.1086/ahr/91.5.1053

Siegel, Z. (2019, August 06). Euphoria Doesn't Have a Drug Problem. Retrieved November 12, 2020, from https://www.vulture.com/2019/08/euphoria-hbo-drug-addiction-overdose.html

[gra-sonas]

A Kiss a Decade in the Making

Pairing: Malex, Alex Manes/Michael Guerin

Words: 4.8K | Rating: T | On AO3

"Is Jenna going to schedule snogging rehearsals for us?”

Alex smiles at him.

“It’s a fair question to ask. How do we, two people who’ve only just met, play two men who’ve been in love for a decade?"

Initially, the story stems from the question how the actors - who hadn't met before filming the pilot - may have worked out the 'logistics' of the Malex kiss in 1x01, and whether there was something like a snogging rehearsal. Any similarities between the characters and the actual actors are - of course - purely coincidental. ;)

A couple of dialogue snippets from the original Roswell New Mexico 1x01 script have made their way into the fic, they are displayed in a 𝚍𝚒𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚗𝚝.

This fic has been sitting in my WIP folder for months and initially I had no plans to ever post it, but thanks to the wonderful encouragement and helpful beta works of @i-never-look-away​ & @cosmiceverafter​, here it is. Love you, guys! ♥

~*~

When they get up to leave showrunner Jenna Cameron’s office, there’s a moment of hesitation as they arrive at the door at the same time. Michael takes the initiative and opens the door. He can’t help himself and bends his knee in a ridiculous half curtsy while he gestures at Alex to walk out first. Alex looks slightly bewildered for a moment but then he smiles.

“Thank you, Michael.”

Michael perks up. Not many people call him Michael, there are way too many Michaels in the world, that’s why he goes by Guerin everywhere.

“You can call me Guerin, it’s what everyone does.”

Alex nods.

“I’ll think about it. I like it though. Michael. It’s a good name. Suits you.”

He walks off and leaves a stunned Michael behind. What does that even mean, he’ll  think about it? Michael’s just a name. Not a bad name, he also considers it a lucky name, after all it has landed him a role that could very well be his first leading role in a major network TV show. At least that’s what he likes to think.

For that to happen, the show just needs to get picked up to series. After reading the script and hearing Jenna talk about what she envisions, he’s even more confident that the show has great potential. If they are going to do this right, they will be picked up.

Doing it right is the thing though. He already loves Mikel Rath, sees a lot of himself in him, and a lot of things he can at least relate to. The quick wit, the anger issues, the sarcastic and funny side of him.

There’s just one thing he’s unsure about. The thing with Alistair. The Alistair & Mikel thing. He wonders what their moniker would be? Milistair? Or Alikel? Do they have to come up with one themselves, or will they leave that to the fans? He makes a mental note to ask Jenna about it.

Michael has a bunch of LGBTQ friends, he’s even part of the community himself (although he’s never acted on it, which sometimes makes him feel like he’s not allowed to claim membership), and he’s lived in LA long enough to be aware of the significance of LGBTQ representation on screen. He knows how important this relationship is going to be to many people. How important it is to get it right. From what Jenna’s just told them, she has a lot in mind for these two characters, but only if there’s going to be a show Aliens of New Mexico .

The pilot only gives them one shot at selling it. It won’t just be on their shoulders alone, of course, Liz and Max will have to do most of the heavy lifting with their characters, but he has a feeling that this Alistair and Mikel thing will still play a vital role in TV executives making a decision that could change his life forever.

Michael takes a deep breath and slowly walks back to his trailer. On the way he recalls the meeting he had with Jenna and Alex. Jenna’s awesome, he’s met her before back in LA, and she’s also responsible for hiring him. He met Alex for the first time in Jenna’s office just now, though. He hasn’t had much time to get to know the man yet.  

Alex had been earnest during their meeting, notes written in the margins of his script and post-its marking some pages. He’d asked Jenna a lot of questions during their read through of the Alistair & Mikel scenes.

It had been interesting to listen to an experienced TV actor asking all these questions. Michael had never been an avid watcher of  Charming Young Deceivers, but even he had heard about Gemma & Mic’s popularity. Referred to as  Gemic by fans, they’d been crowned Best TV Couple in almost every online poll for several years, and Alex Manes had won three Teen Choice Awards for his portrayal of Mic, plus two others with his co-star for Best Couple. They’d also won three awards for Best Kiss. So, no pressure.

When Michael had found out that Alex Manes would play Alistair, he’d almost felt a bit giddy because he instantly knew what face went with the name.

He’d then done what he imagined most people would've done in his position: he’d gone and looked up Alex Manes in news and on social media. Since Instagram seemed to be his personal favorite, he went there first. Impressive follower count, very curated content (gorgeous photos though), cute dog (a beagle called Buffy, Alex had tagged her ‘Love of my Life’ in several photos). Alex seemed like an interesting guy who was not only very photogenic, but also had great taste in interior design, music, and he loved to travel. Michael had been looking forward to meeting him.

Then he’d read Alex’s Wikipedia entry. Like the character he was about to play, he came from a military family, his parents got divorced when Alex was in middle school and he’d grown up with his mom, while his three older brothers had stayed with their dad. He’d filmed a couple of indie movies and to Michael’s surprise, had released a number of singles. Michael’d listened to all of them and really liked them. One song had stood out to him in particular, a duet with Rosa Ortecho, a household name in the LA indie music scene. Michael was impressed.

Reading about the incident in Afghanistan, where Alex had been visiting US troops and lost part of his leg when their convoy had been attacked, had made Michael swallow hard. He’d then gone back to Alex’s Instagram account and looked through some of his more recent pictures. Now that Michael was aware of what had happened, he’d noticed a crutch in the background of some of the pictures. And there was a photo of Alex in a German military hospital, a beautiful dark-haired woman (probably his mom) by his side.  

Now that they’ve met, Michael is not sure what to think of Alex, who seems to be so much more than the handful of “facts” Michael had gathered from the internet. Alex had been nothing but friendly during their meeting with Jenna, he’d often looked at Michael, had tried to include him in the conversation (it had seemed like he’d been aware that Michael didn’t come with the same kind of TV experience under his belt as he did), had asked him questions, had listened with great attention when Michael spoke.  

All things considered it had been a great meeting. It had given Michael much needed input to get a better idea of the Alistair & Mikel dynamic. And yet her he is, still feeling somewhat insecure about it.

There’s one line in the pilot script that stood out to him in particular when he read the script for the first time, and it’s been nagging him ever since. 

𝚆𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚗𝚘 𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚘𝚏 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚜𝚝 𝚖𝚘𝚟𝚎, 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚖𝚞𝚜𝚌𝚕𝚎 𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚢 𝚜𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎 -- 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢’𝚛𝚎 𝙺𝙸𝚂𝚂𝙸𝙽𝙶

Muscle memory springing to life? How are they going to pull  that off when they barely know each other?

When Michael reaches his trailer, he looks around. Max’s trailer is to his left, Isobel’s trailer is to his right, Liz is right across from him. Valenti’s trailer’s right to Liz’s, and if memory serves him right, Alex’s trailer is to Liz’s left.

With just an idea in his mind, Michael crosses the short distance and knocks on the door of Alex’s trailer.

“Come in.”

Michael opens the door and is hit by a waft of warm air that smells rather nice. He quickly enters the trailer and closes the door behind him. He looks around and although they’ve all arrived in Albuquerque just 48 hours ago, Alex’s trailer already looks very cozy and lived in.  

A set of what must be scented candles is burning, set on a wooden plate on the sideboard in front of the big mirror. Something slow and jazz-y is playing over two small speakers, and Alex, clad in gray sweat pants and a soft looking baby blue hoodie, lounges on the recliner, a beautifully patterned quilt in earthy colors draped over his lower legs.  

He’s looking up at Michael, carefully placing a bookmark in the pilot episode script he'd been reading when Michael entered the trailer, before he places it on the table in front of him.

“Michael, good to see you. Can I offer you some tea?”

Michael is not much of a tea drinker, but it’s cold in Albuquerque this time of the year, and if Alex’s already offering to make tea, this could be a much-needed bonding experience. He smiles.

“That would be great, thanks. Can I help?”

His mom Mara has raised him right, he never expects people to just serve him, but Alex is already up and heads over to the small kitchen area. He busies himself with boiling water and placing cookies in a ceramic bowl. He looks over at Michael.

“Sit down and make yourself comfortable. Are you warm enough? I can turn up the heating some more if you’re cold?”

Michael plops down on the comfy chair offered to him and shakes his head.

“Thanks, I’m naturally running hot, I’m good.”

That remark earns him a raised brow from Alex. No kidding, Alex Manes is capable of raising just one brow. It gives his face something almost diabolic for a second, until one corner of his mouth twitches and he smirks.

“You’re running hot, huh? Good to know.”

Michael blushes. He honest to god blushes. Holy shit. Is Alex Manes  flirting with him? He’s not sure. Alex is so different from his group of friends and the people he’s worked with in the past. They are usually just taking the shit out of him (and vice versa). With Alex it's all new and unknown terrain.  

He’s being pulled out of his thoughts when Alex returns to the table and puts a mug of steaming tea in front of him. And of course, he doesn’t just place it on the wooden table, he’s putting a  coaster  underneath. Because Alex Manes is a cultivated man who brings his own quilt, scented candles and fucking  coasters  to a 3-week-shoot in the desert.

Michal is impressed, but also intimidated. His usual crowd is loud and rambunctious, and it suits his outgoing personality perfectly. Alex is only three months older than him, but he almost feels like an insecure kid meeting a man of the world. He shakes off that mental image and waits until Alex is snuggled up under his quilt again before he takes a cookie. It’s chocolate chip, and it tastes divine .

“Holy shit, these are amazing. Where did you get them? I have to buy three boxes.”

Alex chuckles.

“I don’t usually do orders, but I can give you the recipe, they’re quite easy to make.”

Michael is in awe. He loves food more than almost anything in the world, and he knows his way around a stove or oven. He’ll figure out a way to make these cookies.

“Didn’t take you for a baker, but you sure know what you did with these. They are incredible. I’d love the recipe. I’ll send it to my mom. She’ll be so excited.”

He must’ve said the right thing, because Alex’s smile turns warm and genuine for the first time since they’ve met.

“Moms, right?”

Michael couldn’t agree more and nods enthusiastically. He picks up his mug.

“To amazing moms.”

Alex picks up his mug and toasts back.

“To amazing moms.”

They both sip some tea and for a moment the music in the background is the only sound in the trailer. Michael is careful to place his mug on its coaster before he picks up the conversation again.

“Okay, now that we’ve established that we’re both momma’s boys, I hope we can take it from there and get to know each other better and maybe build something for our Alistair and Mikel dynamic. What do you think?”

He’s nervous all of a sudden. Alex is an experienced actor, he’s been doing this professionally for more than a decade. When Michael sees Alex’s face soften, he’s feeling better immediately.

“I think that’s a great idea. There’s this one sentence in the script that shows how close they are, or at least how close they must've been at some point, and I think it would be good to find that closeness somehow. And then we’re going to show the execs what a kiss a decade in the making looks like.”

Michael laughs.

“You won’t believe it, but that’s been my thought process on my way from Jenna’s office to your trailer. I mean, Liz and Max still have the biggest responsibility to convince the higher ups, but in my opinion, Alistair and Mikel are just as important and as much of a selling point.”

Encouraged by Alex nodding in agreement, Michael continues.

"The scene you mentioned, is our springboard, that’s the moment where the audience has to realize that this isn’t just a spur of the moment thing. These two men have history. We may not know about that history yet, but it has to be clear that they know each other. It’s really helpful for me that Jenna wrote that bit about muscle memory into the script. The question is, how do we get to a point where we look like we’ve done this before? Is Jenna going to schedule snogging rehearsals for us?”

Alex bursts out laughing. On the one hand Michael’s delighted that he’s managed to make Alex laugh, on the other hand that he’s worried he’s made a stupid suggestion.

“Uhm, sorry if that was dumb. I’m just a very hands-on guy. I often approach my roles from as much of a physical perspective as I do from the emotional perspective of my character.”

Alex smiles at him.

“You didn’t say anything dumb. It’s a fair question to ask. How do we, two people who’ve only just met, play two men who’ve been in love for a decade? I want this to be every bit of convincing and true to these characters as you. In all honesty, I might have an even bigger interest in it, given that I’m part of the community who will watch this part of the show very closely.”

Michael knows that Alex is gay, in his research he’s found articles and an interview that had been released after Charming Young Deceivers ended. Media and fans alike had been in a frenzy over the coming out, especially after Alex had been part of one of the most beloved  straight  couples in TV history.  

Michael looks at Alex as open and honest as he feels.

“I’m bi myself, so this story means a lot to me, too. I want to do it justice, and I want to do right by a community I know is marginalized in many, many ways. They -  we -  deserve me giving it my all. And that’s what I want to do.  That’s what the script demands. And I think Alistair and Mikel have the potential to be as important and relevant as Liz and Max’s characters. Maybe even more so.”

Michael’s run out of breath at this point, something that barely ever happens, but this is important to him, and he hopes Alex understands what he means. Going by the look on Alex’s face, he does. His eyes seem to glisten, but maybe it’s just a trick of light.

Alex clears his throat and takes another sip from his mug.

“You know, I’ve had the hardest time making the decision whether to take on this role. After seven years on my previous show and coming out after we wrapped, I took a year off. I just needed a break from pretending to be someone I’m not for way too long. The media just always assumed I had to be straight because I played a straight guy on TV. I knew it was risky to come out when the show ended, it could’ve ended my career as well, but I couldn’t live the lie by omission my life had become any longer. I did a lot of soul searching and focused on myself. I was at a point where I didn’t know if I should continue to work in this business, when the accident happened. After that, I didn't know if I  could continue to work in this business. I’m sure you know enough about the industry to understand how hard it is as an able-bodied, assumed-straight, assumed white male actor.”

Michael nods, he knows all too well how hard it is. He’s been driving Uber and Lyft for more than a year to make ends meet, and as a talented mechanic, he’d also done the odd car repair job for friends or people recommended to him for extra cash, he’d spent on more acting classes.

Alex puts his mug down and rubs at his eyes with the palms of his hands before he looks at Michael again, his gaze intense.

“Well, after playing a straight white guy for years, people now know that Alex Manes is actually a gay man, who’s half Native American, and also disabled. I’ve worked my way up in LA for years, until my name was one casting people and show execs would recognize. Expectations were always high, but the longer  Deceivers  went on, the pressure to replicate the success got bigger every year, and the media wanted to be fed with the same narrative over and over again. Especially in regards to my personal life.”

Alex shakes his head, probably thinking about gossip magazine headlines questioning whether his female co-star of seven years and him were banging in real life. Michael shudders in sympathy.

“When the show ended, I just couldn’t continue and pretend to be the guy they wanted to write about. If someone had asked me one more time what my dream girl would have to be like, I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t have committed a murder. And now they know that I’m really not that guy."

Alex points at the script on the table.

“When I got this, I’d more or less made my peace with the idea of never being able to act again, while simultaneously worrying about what to do with my life instead. This role, this story, came at the right time. I read the script and I knew immediately that I wanted to play Alistair. That – to a degree ��� I  am  Alistair.”

Alex takes a steadying breath.

“I’m not going to make this about me all the time, don’t worry, but I wanted you to know where I’m coming from, and that there’s the potential that some part of my story will bleed into Alistair’s story. Mentally I’m still a bit ‘all over the place’ right now, I’m more emotional than usual, and I still struggle with the decision of having signed up for a project that could turn into yet another commitment of several years. But I think the show has the potential to be really good. For myself, and for many people like me.”

Michael gets up from his chair and walks over to the recliner. He reaches out to Alex with both arms.

“Man, would it be ok if I offer you a hug? I know I could use a hug right now. It’s ok if you don’t want, of course, but I thought I’d ask?”

Alex looks at him with big eyes, but then he untangles himself from the quilt, gets up and steps into Michael’s open arms. Michael wraps his arms around Alex’s upper body, while Alex’s arms slowly wind around Michael’s mid-section. It’s only awkward for a second, then both men give in and melt into a comforting embrace. They just stand there in the middle of Alex’s trailer for a long time, holding each other, breathing in and out in perfect sync.  

They lose track of time, but eventually Alex bends back a little to look at Michael’s face from close up.

“Momma’s boys  and  suckers for hugs, I have a feeling, things between us are going to be just fine.”

Michael snickers.

“I’m warning you, I’m a cuddle slut. I can fall asleep on people’s shoulders, or I will sloth-hug them from behind when I’m tired. Feel free to tell me no at any time though, I know not everybody’s comfortable with that kind of invasion of their personal space.”

Alex smiles.

“Thanks, I’m trying to listen to my needs more closely. In general, I do enjoy a good hug, but sometimes it can be too much. Boundaries are hard.”

Michael nods.

“Don’t I know it. I mean, I’m not having a hard time to accept or notice other people’s boundaries, it’s more like that I often ignore my own boundaries in an effort to please everyone. Leaves me drained and exhausted, but then life demands that I’m being me again, and I never seem to have enough time and space to recharge.”

They end the hug, but when they sit down again, they do so on the recliner side by side, their knees touching. Michael’s right leg bounces.

“So, after we’ve bonded over some emotional stuff, how do we get to the muscle memory part of our characters’ connection? Kissing boot camp? I’ll admit, although I know I’m bi, I’ve never kissed a dude before. I don’t expect it to be that different from kissing a girl, but I can’t be sure. I’ve looked up your filmography and saw that you did this cool musical film where you played a seemingly gay man. How did you and your co-star approach that thing between your characters?”

Alex laughs.

“Did you see the movie?”

Michael shakes his head.

“I didn’t have the time to watch it, but I saw the trailer, and, uhm, there’s a making of clip of one rather steamy scene on YouTube, I watched that.”

Alex smirks at him.

“Did you now? Interesting. Well, in general we talked with the director of course, how they wanted the scene to go, stuff like that. We did a screen test where we kissed before the shoot. Colton’s also gay, so we both had no trouble with the ‘kissing a dude’ part. But as it is with any kiss on screen, kissing a stranger is never easy.”

Michael nods.

“Okay, that makes sense. Maybe they’re going to do a screen test with us, too? To make sure we’re compatible? Jenna didn’t mention anything, right?”

Alex shakes his head.

“No, she didn’t. I don’t think there will be a screen test. This is just a pilot, and they’re on a tight budget. They’ll expect us to knock it out of the park as soon as the cameras roll.”

Michael swallows around a lump in his throat that wasn’t there a minute ago.

“Good, that’s cool. I mean, looking at you, it’s not exactly a hardship to imagine how great it must be to kiss you. I’ll do my best to make it not awkward.”

Alex smiles at him, but the smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. He’s careful with his next words.

“If it makes you feel better, we can do a screen test without cameras? Figure out how to embrace without colliding? I mean, we don’t have to kiss, obviously, if it makes you uncomfortable or you think it’s not necessary. But we could work out some kind of choreography and develop the ‘muscle memory’ for the kissing scene?”

Alex doesn’t look straight at Michael when he makes his proposal, only when he ends, his eyes are back on Michael with full focus. Michael feels like he’s blushing furiously, although he really hopes that isn’t the case.  

“Uhm, okay, that’s a great idea actually. A choreography. I like that. I’d rather not knock you unconscious with my thick skull just because we both go for the same side.”

Alex laughs and stands up again. He holds his hand out to Michael.

“Come on then, let’s try.”

Michael takes Alex’s hand and lets himself get pulled up into a standing position. Alex doesn’t release his hand, so Michael follows him to the middle of the trailer where they have enough space to move around without bumping into furniture. Alex takes one more step until they stand opposite from each other.

“Is there anything off limits with what you’re comfortable with? Like, do I have to know about any particularly ticklish spots, is it ok to touch your hair? That kind of stuff.”

Michael thinks about it for a second, then he shakes his head.

“I can’t think of anything. How about you?”

Alex shakes his head.

“I’m pretty ticklish, but I don’t think you’re going to tickle me. Should we just act out the scene like it’s in the script and see how it goes?”

Michael nods. He picks up his script from where he’d placed it on the table earlier and quickly reads through the instructions for the scene’s set-up.

“Okay, why don’t you take the chair from over there, and I enter from the kitchen area?”

Alex nods in agreement. He pulls out the chair from under the desk and props up his right leg on the seat. He pulls up the leg of is sweatpants and pretends to adjust something on his prosthesis.

Michael’s stepped back into the kitchen area and looks at Alex. His hair is tousled and he looks warm and slightly flushed. For a moment, Michael glances at the metal of Alex’s leg reflecting the light, but then he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He’s Mikel Rath now. An alien who’s lived in this town for ten years while the love of his life went to war. They are not on good terms, but there’s still love.  

A love that’s been tested over and over again, but never went away. Michael opens his eyes and looks at Alex. Alex, who’s Alistair Jessup now, a decorated war veteran. Not the same person Mikel fell in love with a decade ago. Not a boy anymore. Alistair is a man now. But the love, oh the  love, it's burning just as bright as the first day he’d laid eyes on him.  

Mikel takes a step forward into the room, as per description “belt buckle first”.

"𝙽𝚘𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚐𝚒𝚊’𝚜 𝚊 𝚋𝚒𝚝𝚌𝚑, 𝚑𝚞𝚑."

Alistair adjusts the leg of his pants and puts his foot back on the ground. He looks at Mikel, his eyes dark and questioning. He sighs.

"𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝙸𝚛𝚊𝚚, 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚍 𝚋𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚐𝚘𝚗𝚎."

Mikel feels embarrassed all of a sudden. Alistair is right, it’s been ten years and he’s still stuck in the same place, wasting his life, just like Alistair said earlier. But then Alistair doesn’t know  why  he never left, what kept him in their hometown, or rather who. Mikel is tired, and his shoulders drop. He sounds resigned.

"𝙸’𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚗 𝚊 𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊 𝚠𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚎. 𝙸𝚝’𝚜 𝚜𝚕𝚘𝚠 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝? 𝙵𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚘?"

Alistair shakes his head, he also looks tired, his eyes are hollow.

"𝚆𝚎’𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚔𝚒𝚍𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎. 𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜𝚗’𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛."

The ‘what I want never mattered’ is hanging like an unspoken truth between them. Mikel takes a step forward, his eyes on Alistair. Alistair in return, takes one step in Mikel’s direction. They are close now. Very close. They look at each other, their eyes telling an entire story while they remain quiet.

When they both start moving at the same time, there’s no need to figure out a choreography. Mikel’s arms reach for Alistair’s head, his fingers slotting around his neck just so, while Alistair’s hands go underneath Mikel’s arms and wrap around Mikel’s torso. They both pull the other in until there’s no space left between them. Mikel takes another breath before he closes the last inch of distance between them and their lips meet in a searing kiss.

They are swaying back and forth, their lips pressing firmly against each other. They are Alistair and Mikel for a long moment, until Mikel Rath slowly turns back into Michael Guerin and Alistair fades back into Alex Manes, and now it’s them kissing all of a sudden, and no longer the characters they are supposed to play.

Michael doesn’t know how to stop. He doesn’t want to. He’s holding onto Alex’s face and looks at him like he’s searching for something. When he sees what he’s been hoping to find, he closes his eyes and lets his lips go soft, his mouth turning into a pliant invitation

When he feels Alex’s tongue nudging at his lower lip, he opens his mouth and lets him in.

[maddhatterreviews]

So something kinda funny happened a while ago

I was completely unaware that DC Superhero Girls had started airing again. That wouldn’t be that much of an issue, except I also forgot that I set my DVR to record new episodes months ago. So imagine my surprise when I check the DVR and find five new episodes of Superhero girls just there. 

And I thought it would be fun to go over the episodes I saw, since there’s actually some good stuff in them. I doubt I’ll do this again anytime soon, but still. 

Tween Titans: This actually came out after I found the recorded episodes, but I figured I’d throw it in too. Mostly because I don’t actually have that much to say about it. Karen and Jess get a job babysitting Dick Grayson and the other Titans, but they are all around ten years old. There wasn’t anything particularly special about this episode. It was just kinda fun watching Bumblebee and Green Lantern having to deal with a bunch of superpowered kids. 

I will say the time line seems about right. Dick is usually a few years younger than Barbara, and the characters are specifically called tweens, so he has to be somewhere between ten and twelve years old. We also got to see Bruce Wayne first hand for the first time. It is kinda funny to continue to see two of the three members of the Trinity being assholes. Although, to be fair we’ve really only seen Superman through Supergirl’s eyes and she has a pretty strong bias against him. And it’s unsure how much of Bruce’s douche nature is all part of the “Bruce Wayne Act” he usually has going on.

And I have a distinct feeling this episode is a direct response to Teen Titans Go. While most fans of the Titans either actively hate Go or are generally ambivalent towards it. I kinda have a feeling Lauren Faust might be slightly resentful towards Teen Titans Go since Super Best Friends Forever basically got passed over for it. It’s just the fact that they used the most popular version of the Titans, which just happens to be the same lineup as Go. It could be coincidence, but considering the Titans act like hyper-active brats, a fairly common criticism of Go, it really seems like Lauren Faust is taking a dig at Teen Titans Go.

All about Zee: A girl from school nobody talks to or really acknowledges becomes obsessed with Zatanna and eventually takes both her physical appearance and powers. She figures out Zatanna’s other friends are the superhero girls and takes their powers and appearances as well, becoming a hodgepodge of them all. This is easily the weakest episode for me. I’ve seen this premise a bunch of times and it’s never not felt cringy as shit. 

It feels like this was the episode that really felt like it was pulling influence for MLP. People were saying Zatanna was a lot like Rarity, and Rarity’s main thing was generosity right? I don’t know, that’s just how it feels to me. 

I think it is kinda funny that the running joke of the villain of this episode is that no one knows who she is and they can’t remember her name because I can’t either. And I’m also not sure if she existed in the comics either. Maybe she’s a Zatanna villain, I don’t know, I haven’t read many of her books. I thought she was Cole for a minute, but as far as I know, the whole changing appearance thing isn’t something Cole can do. 

I don’t know, this just didn’t feel like this show’s best, you know?

Living the Nightmare: Another Zatanna focused episode, and a marked improvement over the last. The Girls are having a sleepover at Zatanna’s place and they start talking about nightmares, specifically how Zatanna doesn’t have nightmares because she doesn’t have any insecurities or anxieties that can manifest within her subconscious. So, of course the villain of the episode attacks the girls through their dreams. 

I initially thought the villain was going to be long standing Justice League villain Dr. Destiny, but turned out to be a relatively new Zatanna villain named Fuseli. A demon who feeds off of people’s nightmares. And since Zatanna doesn’t get nightmares, she has to enter her friend’s dreams to find the little bastard. 

I usually like episodes like this. It’s a good way to quite literally get into the heads of the protagonists. We don’t get a lot of insight into most of the girls unfortunately. Most of their nightmares are by and large inconsequential. Kara is afraid of cockroaches, Diana is (Inexplicably) afraid of teddy bears, and Babs is afraid of...sharks I think? Karen’s fear has a bit more substance since she’s afraid of public speaking, but that’s to be expected from a character whose main defining trait is being shy. 

The two interesting dreams are Jess’s and Zatanna’s. A common criticism of the portrayal of the characters was the omission of the anxiety and mental issues that were part of Jess’s backstory. In the comics, Jess was an agoraphobic who experienced an extremely traumatic event before having the powers of Power Ring, the evil Earth-3 Green Lantern that’s powered by fear instead of Will power, forced on her. Lauren Faust has openly stated that Jess had gotten over most of her issues before the series began, but this episode alludes to the idea that she hasn’t gotten over them completely. And this could set up for future episodes to further explore Jess’s issues in full context. This episode is about Zatanna after all. 

Speaking of, Zatanna’s claim that she doesn’t have any issues isn’t entirely true. I wouldn’t call it a running joke, but a recurring plot point in the series is that Zatanna’s magic isn’t the best. She usually comes through at the end of the day, but more often than not, Zatanna’s attempts to perform magic will backfire in some way. And after tricking Fuseli out of her friends’ dreams and into her own, It’s revealed that she did in fact have something she was scared of. Zatanna is actually afraid of her own full magical potential, and that if she didn’t have enough control she might hurt someone. The reason she doesn’t have any nightmares about it was because someone, most likely her father, magically suppressed them. 

This is also one of the few times so far that the show brought up and expounded upon a storyline that appeared earlier in the series. Abrakadabrapalooza showed that Zatanna’s powers first manifesting scared the absolute shit out of her. While she quickly accepted her magical powers, I have to assume it still really freaked her out considering she almost destroyed the Green Room she was in, and could have easily developed a complex as she was learning to control her powers. Zatara, seeing the toll the incident in the Green Room was having on his daughter, could have locked away her fears so she could have peace of mind while she trains to become a better sorceress. 

Of course Fuseli, being a nightmare demon, manifests Zatanna’s repressed fears and there’s a big showdown where Zatanna obviously wins. There’s some interesting implications about Zatanna having her fears suppressed; like what will happen to her now that her fears are out and she acknowledges them. This was a fun episode and it does a decent amount to develop Zatanna. 

Dinner for five: Not my favorite of the bunch but it is up there. Dinner for Five doesn’t do much to develop the characters and the only one of the main Girls in the episode is Barbara. It’s just a really fun episode with a lot of action, great interactions and good comedy. It also introduces Deathstroke into the show, which is genuinely surprising. 

The episode is about Babs meeting a new friend in school, Rose Wilson, whose father just happens to be Deathstroke. The fights between Babs and Deathstroke are one of the highlights of the episode. Superhero Girls has some above board animation, but it’s not what the show is known for. This isn’t exactly Avatar, Rise of the TMNT, or even the original Teen Titans. The fight scenes have always been less about choreography and more about Loony Tunes’ esque slapstick and visual humor. And the fights between Babs and Deathstroke are some of the best mediums between the comedic style of fighting this show is known for and more serious fight animation. 

What really surprised me about this episode is the just that Deathstroke was the villain and the show actually named him Deathstroke, kept him as an assassin, and outright claimed that he killed many people, and the entire reason he and Rose came to Mertopolis was to murder Jim Gordon. This is especially surprising considering the reason Deathstroke was named Slade in Teen Titans was because Cartoon Network wasn’t sure they could get away with a recurring villain being named Deathstroke the Terminator. So it’s just kinda funny that DC Superhero Girls did that even though it’s  aiming at the same, if not a slightly younger demographic than Teen Titans. 

The story is also a prime example of the beauty in simplicity. With a premise like “Babs makes friends with Deathstorke’s daughter” I would have figured there’d be some kind of third act twist where it turns out Rose is actually Deathstroke herself, or she takes up her Ravager identity and she and Deathstroke both fight Babs. But no. Rose is just a nice sweet girl that really likes Babs and her dad just happens to be an infamous assassin. She even knows he’s Deathstroke and walks in on him about to murder Babs. And she just scolds him for doing so, and kind of implies Deathstroke has tried to kill her friends before. 

Bottom line, this was a fun simple episode 

Retreat: This is another low point for me. It’s not as bad as All about Zee, but there isn’t much to say about it either. Even though I don’t have a problem with episodes just being fun and not having any relevance to the larger narrative or developing the characters, Retreat especially feels like filler. 

Jess drags Babs, Karen, Hal, and Garth into the woods for a camping trip, and springs on them that she also invited Pam. And Pam immediately freaks out when the others start using various tree parts to do stuff around the campset. Pam runs off into the woods and turns into Poison Ivy to raise a small army of plant monsters to straight up kill the others. As she does this, Babs tells Garth, Karen, and Hal a scary story about a witch of the woods, and of course Ivy’s plant monsters attack just as she finishes her story. 

The rest of the episode is just the heroes fighting off the plant monsters with various shenanigans happening as they try to survive, since Jess insisted that they put all their technology, including all of their weapons, in a bag tied to a tree. And It’s all pretty solid. I can’t think of anything overtly wrong with this episode, it just doesn’t really do anything all that special. It is still a little annoying that the running joke of Aqualad being useless is still going on. But at least they acknowledge that Garth is the only one of the heroes whose powers don’t come from an external source. He still gets taken out pretty easily, but at least they show he is one of the strongest characters in the show, even if he is still a joke. 

It is still funny that Jess is so adamant that she and Pam are friends, when Pam’s antipathy towards her and the other is clear as fucking day. While it is kinda ridiculous that the Superhero Girls and Supervillain Girls can’t seem to put two and two together and figure out who the other is (Especially since Babs put it together that Rose’s dad was Deathstroke pretty fuckin quick) I honestly hope this dynamic sticks around for as long as possible. Logic be damned. 

Ally Cat: This is easily, the best episode of the bunch. And it brings up something I’ve been waiting for since the first episode: Lex Luthor coming back as a villain. And holy shit, was it worth the wait. 

The episode begins with a news report showing Lex digging up Stonehenge to find the mythical Book of Eternity. An ancient tome that Zatanna claims is able to predict the future with perfect accuracy. Because no one in this universe, or at least none of the six main girls, knows that Lex is a massive asshole they’re not too worried about him having a Book that powerful. But Zatanna insists that no one should have that much power and actually suggest they steal the book from Lex. 

Most of the girls are apprehensive, but Babs is surprisingly on board with the idea, and is sure she could come up with a plan to sneak into Lexcorp. Unfortunately, Babs has to go out of town with her dad, and can’t help heist. (And I kinda love that Babs insists that they’re not stealing they’re pulling off a heist, like there’s some kind of difference) So the girls do the only other logical thing they can think of; find Catwoman and get her to plan the heist for them. 

It is a solid plan, and it’s kinda funny that Diana either doesn’t understand the concept of blackmail or is so righteous and good she doesn’t recognize that she and the other girls are doing it to get Catwoman to help them. Either way, Catwoman does come up with a fairly genius plan to get them into Lex’s vault. 

I have to admit I really love what this series does with Catwoman. Making Selina black is whatever, it’s not that big of a deal to be honest. But the fact that Summer Cree was directed to emulate the Eartha Kit version of Catwoman adds a lot to the performance. And it’s kinda great that they made Catwoman the brains of the Villain Girls. Catwoman’s always been clever, but this show almost seems to make her out to be almost, if not just as intelligent as Lex. 

Speaking of Lex, after they just barely manage to get into the elevator to take them to Lex’s vault (Catwoman’s plan almost immediately goes south because the Girls absolutely suck at being criminals) Lex confronts them in his vault, traps the girls, and reveals that Catwoman had actually been working with Lex the whole time. It does make the Girls almost fucking up the plan to get here even funnier in retrospect, since it’s clear Lex wanted them in the vault in the first place. He also reveals that he’s managed to capture the Invinci-Bros and even Superman. 

Lex explains that he read the Book of Eternity, and knew that the Superhero Girls were going to try and steal the book by asking Catwoman for help, so he just got to her first. He was able to predict everyone’s moves thanks to the book, which allowed him to effortlessly incapacitate everyone he’s confronted so far. He claims he needed every hero in the city out of the way so he could enact his master plan. The plan he decides to tell Catwoman, simply because he doesn’t think she can stop him and he’s about to send her out of the city anyway. 

Thanks to the Book of Eternity, Lex knows that a huge meteor is hurtling towards Earth that will utterly destroy Metropolis and possibly cause global ecological devastation. Lex plans to let the meteor hit, have millions of people die and come in as the big goddamn hero he wants everyone to see him as, and have his technology save the surviving citizenry and rebuild the city in his own image. 

This is why I think this series is so good. It’s dumb and goofy, but when it wants to get dark, Holy Shit! They do not pull any punches with this plot. Catwoman out right says that countless people will die if Lex does this; and Lex does not give a shit. Lex Luthor’s main defining character trait is being a megalomaniacal sociopath with little to no regard for human life. He’s obsessed with his own self-image and will destroy anyone or anything to make himself look better. And this episode encapsulates that perfectly 

The show doesn’t do anything too extreme, but this plan shows just how evil Lex can be simply by not sugar coating the death toll that will result from it. To the point even one of our recurring villains is utterly horrified by it. But he does seem to scare her off before she can do anything to try and stop him. Fortunately, like in the comics, Catwoman admits that while she’s a thief, she isn’t willing to let an entire city die just to save herself. She doubles back and releases the Superhero Girls so that they can save the city from the meteor. 

Catwoman finds Lex on a boat and tells him that after he hired her to trick the Girls, she took a look at the book herself and figured out what Lex’s plan was. So she tore out the page that said what she’d do after the Girls were captured and double crossed Lex. This is also completely in character for Lex. He is so smart that Lex will always underestimate whoever he’s dealing with, so it’s usually surprisingly easy to trick or outsmart him. Especially for someone as clever as Catwoman. 

Of course, Catwoman tries to take the Book of Eternity from Lex, but the Girls show up and get the book from her. And the episode ends with Catwoman robbing Lex blind, and showing that the male superheroes are still in Lex’s cages. 

This was another thirty minute long special, and probably one of the best so far. It did a great job of showcasing just how dangerous this version of Lex is, while still keeping him kid friendly. He was silly and danced around during his fight with the heroes, but he still planned on letting an entire city be destroyed just to make himself look good. It was also fun to see Catwoman’s more anti-heroic side coming out in this, since DC Superhero Girls has her set up as a pure villain. 

And that pretty much everything. This took a lot longer to write, and I will never try to review five episodes of a tv show again, but it was fun to get all my thoughts about this show out. A new episode came out while I was writing this, but I’m not gonna talk about that one this time. I just want to get this one done. Still, as simple as this show is, it continues to be a fun superhero cartoon that I hope will get more kids into DC’s heroes. 

[sgt-paul]

Why in the tags of the anon about Paul and Jane’s relationship (which I agree with) do you then say in your tags the “uwu depression beard” is similarly misinterpreted? Paul himself said one of the reason he grew the beard was as a result of the insecurity and hopelessness he felt, stating he felt on the brink of a break down; drinking constantly and wanting to stay in bed. I can see that you want distance yourself from certain interpretations, but why deny that Paul suffered from depression?

(first of all, i’m sorry that it took me literally like a month to answer these!!i hope the two of you will see this post!)

i 100% want to distance myself from certain interpretations but i genuinely don’t know where did you get denial from that tag :D i probably should have used quotation marks better and i understand that i could have also elaborated on it, but i didn’t feel like flooding my tags with a needless rant + i didn’t expect anyone to actually read my tags properly and/or interpret them something like this. 

i’m aware of what he has said about this period, and i am far from being in denial about accepting that, and what he went through. i definitely think his post-break up period, his retreat to his farm, his tumultuous feelings, his depression and drinking problems etc have to be talked about, because i obviously think this was an extremely interesting, important and formative era of his life and i really value that he has openly (as openly as he could) talked about it multiple times.

(although i also think that his emphasis on it sometimes can come from the fact that in so many ways he was painted as the person who broke the band up. he was accused of being a soulless JR basically, essentially delivering the message that all he could care about was fame, money and success, and that the band has meant nothing to him. this could easily contribute to him wanting to correct the picture and he does this by stressing how emotional he felt during this period and that the band was important to him etc. it doesn’t take anything away from his feelings of course. just you know… context)

but… i still think that this period - which probably lasted a few months(?) in late 1969 and then some in mid 1970(?) (not to lower its significance) - gets so often confused with the previous and following years, and some people extend his depression to the get back sessions, or even to late 68 when the beard first appeared, and all the way to mid-71 until he ultimately shaved it off, which is quite misleading. we end up with paul being full on depressed for about 3 years, and that would be far from the truth. like, the era he was talking about, the one he had actually described as his worst, did not start until late 69, after the wrap up of abbey road. for instance, at the end of december he had already started working on mccartney (according to paul the album he had enjoyed recording the most), the sessions of which lasted ~4 months, so his description of the depressed phase can’t truly apply to this period either. or to photos from portugal 68, the get back sessions, the ram sessions etc.

another thing that’s sort of misleading, is that in some circles this “moping and pining” is getting traced back to only john (with the questionable popular theory that john “dumped” him) while all other contributing factors are ignored, (the shit at apple with klein, whom he had nightmares about, and the business problems he had had enough of; falling out with his best friends; his general love for the band and the concept of a band; his love and need for working and creating and the sudden loss of his workspace and therefore the feeling of uselessness which was especially hard on him… his general frustration anger and hurt in connection with the whole situation; growing up; being a solo act etc) which also helps to create an extremely inaccurate picture.

the emphasis was on the “uwu” part though lol, which was meant to imply that some people are basically obsessed with the idea of paul being depressed and sad, to a degree which i find ridiculous, and that some are aggressively clinging to paul’s depression because it’s another m*lennon proof for them. i really don’t wish to get into the almost fetishistic portrayals of his depression and/or draw comparisons between how his depression and john’s is presented, again, in a few circles, because i would love to save my energy for other things.

i’ve never seen him say he didn’t like the look of the beard and i personally doubt he would have done an entire movie with it and gone on for years sporting one on-and-off, if he had truly hated it. (although of course there is a difference between the “normal” beard, and the unkempt one which was a result of not caring, but, that’s like the whole point of this rant lol) the quote i can think of about the one he grew out during his depressed phase is about how the “motivation” behind that beard wasn’t to be groovy, he just couldn’t be bothered to shave at the time. but he has also talked about how he thought it was actually natural to have one and shaving was weird, and the joy he got out of not being recognized with it etc. (x) so as always, this topic is much more layered, and it’s clear that we’re talking about different situations and different motives. 

i’m definitely not saying he couldn’t have had low points before the break up, or after his main depressed phase passed, but i think there’s a difference between those and the state he had referred to (not getting up, heavy signs of alcoholism etc), so i would definitely not swipe it all under the “oh that’s The Depression™:)” umbrella as some people tend to do on here. 

i am not questioning his depression, his feelings, or that there could have been insecurity behind his decision of growing a beard and how it shows he did not have the energy to care. however i would think being thorough is something that this discussion and some parts of the fandom are missing, and it’s causing his depression and general state between 1969 and 1971 to be quite misinterpreted and misrepresented. i guess for me it’s just fucked up to see a photo of bearded paul and run into “oh he’s so depressed, that’s him being depressed:((((, depressed paul, dEpRessIo-” comments all the time, when the picture in question has nothing to do with the state paul himself had referred to. but i mean, everyone can interpret it however they want to and i probably sound like a idiot whining about it in such a long post lmao, but i felt like i had to clear it up for you guys. (it was just an inner joke with myself yo:/)

[tribblsrp]

Name: Draco! (Marta)

Pronouns: She/her

Selectivity:  Not much, I guess? Unless a mun makes me uncomfortable or I’m super uninspired for a certain thread or interaction, I’m pretty open to roleplaying with everyone.

Favorite animal: When I was a kid it was the ocelot, but nowadays my answer is much less fancy. Dogs. Puppies. Good boys.

Favorite muse you’ve had so far ever: Fushimi Saruhiko. He’s a fairly complex character who has an interesting balance of insecurities caused by past traumas and terrible life choices that still can’t be completely justified by them.

Muse you kinda wanna pick up: The long list or the short one...? I’d love to add more KH muses once I’ll replay the games, namely Saïx, Xigbar, Roxas, Naminé and Xion. I guess what’s holding me back the most is mainly that I’m kinda missing years of headcanons since I’m fairly new to the fandom. There’s Ardyn, too... and I’m also rooting for Markus, Kara and Connor from DBH.

Most identifiable fictional character: Rokudo Mukuro. It’s been years since that, but back in my day he used to be my favorite muse to write and I would pick him up in as many rp forums as I could. I was even nicknamed after him and even my irl friends back then had a running gag with me and pineapples.

What color your aura is/think it is: No idea, but I’d go with light blue.

Personality stuff you agree with (astrology, mbti, Hogwarts house, etc be as specific as you want!):  All of the mentioned, actually. I’m a libra (leo rising), INFP and Ravenclaw.

Do you think you’re a good driver:  I don’t know, but my reflexes suck so I’ll just stick to public transport.

Favorite minor discourse (pinapple on pizza, what color is the dress, etc):  Pineapple on pizza. I love, most of my friends hate it.

Favorite vine and/or meme: I’m a huge fan of alignment charts, text post memes and incorrect quotes, if that counts.

Why did you choose this muse: I’ll just answer this the other way around. I made this blog mainly for my video game muses, because writing fics about them is too much work.

Favorite rp memory: My girlfriend is not much of a roleplayer, but I had the chance to roleplay angsty 14-chapter ignoct with her months ago. It was my first time writing Ignis, and also I hadn’t yet played ep. Ignis (while she had). Some time later I played it when she was staying at my home and I was sUFFERING SO MUCH BECAUSE (spoiler) i was like focusing A LOT on Ignis’ hopes of having Noct back at least but he knew about Noctis’ fate all alongnhajgfdse

Favorite thing you’ve written, in rp or not: I DO HAVE A FAVORITE THING, and it’s this FFXV post-game fic. Not only I really enjoyed writing it, but also I made at least four people literally cry including myself. An achieved life goal, honestly.

A line/lyrics/quote/etc you like or that means a lot to you: “Different universe, but somehow the same people had a way to find each other”

Give a shout-out to someone: I always suck at these, but:

@inchvins: VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV me alegra mucho que volvieras ;; cuando me hice el blog nuevo apenas seguí a gente del anterior, y la mayoría se había cambiado de urls y eso así que era todo un desastre y no sabía quién era ni dónde estaba nadie, pero no te veía por el dash y DDDD: y luego vi que el otro blog también estaba inactivo, así que fue hello darkness my old friend. pERO AHORA ESTÁS AQUÍ y tenemos que rolear mucho de nuevo 👀 aunque apenas tengo aún OCs nuevos porque casi no he tenido inspiración para esos, pero como pLOTEAR CONTIGO ES TAN FÁCIL Y BONITO seguro que en ná estamos en ello (?)

@lordofblacksand: One of the things that I like the most about tumblr rp community is the great variety of characters one can find here, especially since I’m a huge fan of crossovers myself, so when you first followed me I was losing my mind over seeing someone roleplay Mozenrath. It’s great to read you and write with you, really.

@hollowrage​: Can’t say I’ve roleplayed a lot within the KH fandom, so it’s not like I’ve seen many different Saïx muns but he’s a character I love and I really, really like your portrayal of him. I tend to feel like I get too carried away in our threads but tbh they’re playing a huge part on how fond I’m becoming of Axel.

@royalbestie​: yOUR PROMPTO IS THE CUTEST??? He’s a huge dork, I love your portrayal of him and I’m really looking forward to roleplaying more with you. Also, you seem like a really nice person, I simply enjoy seeing you in my dash.

@crowncoded​ Even though I write lots of muses myself, I kind of admire how you can pull off different muses and do a great job portraying all of them and capturing their essence, it’s just nice to read you. Also you and your fiance are really cute.

Tagging: Everyone up there except for Allen bc they were the one to tag me.

[misterclandestine]

My Favorite Stuff from 2017

It’s been a tough one, but there was a lot of awesome stuff that made it easier. Here are some of my favorites in no particular order.

DAMN by Kendrick Lamar, Album - The World felt different once this was in it. Kenny’s 4th release proved he’s just as thoughtful, agile, and hungry as ever.

everyone’s a aliebn when ur a aliebn too by Johnny Sun, Book - You can go through this hybrid graphic novel/picture-book in one sitting, but there’s so much to chew on here that I recommend taking time with this story, which follows Jomny, a misspelling aliebn sent to earth to study human behavior. The brief, direct interactions simply, & hilariously reveal everything beautiful and tragic about what it is to be alive.  

Abstract: The Art of Design, Series - This Netflix series drops you into the lives of 6 masterful creators moving through subcultures of artistry (i.e Footwear Design, Illustration, Stage Design). Each revealing their varying methods, ideas, and joys about creativity. The standout episode follows Christoph Niemann, an illustrator for the New Yorker, and his blue-collar approach to his work.

Game of Thrones: The Spoils of War, TV Series - Though this season was rushed, clumsy and arguably unrecognizable from the compelling and prestigious drama that has unprecedentedly impacted our culture, you won’t find a more gripping hour of television. You know a show is wilding out when you don’t know who the hell to even root for anymore (Get em, Drogo! Wait, not Bronn! Wait, not the incestuous child killer!)

Insecure: Season 2, TV Series - The show you didn’t know you needed. Issa Rae’s hilarious dramedy paints a picture of what it’s like to be young, ambitious, unapologetic, lonely, intelligent, sexy, successful, and losing.

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Season 4, TV Series - Oliver’s weekly recap simultaneously manages to be enlightening, funny, depressing, and hopeful. His takedown of Alex Jones was one of the most satisfying things I consumed all year.

Do Not Disturb by Drake, Song - the final track of More Life, a surprise ‘mixtape’, samples ‘Time’ by Snoh Alegra, and is one of his most personal songs to date. Without a chorus, he raps for 3 minutes about not needing romance, fear of irrelevancy, and the quickening passage of time. Gracefully shifting between insecurity and arrogance with dizzying fervor, Aubrey continues to capture the emotional woes of an entire generation.

Get Out, Film - Jordan Peele’s directorial film debut is the rare instant classic, and it’s not because it has one of the most crowd-pleasing endings of all time. The satirical, social commentary cloaked in the guise of a horror comedy, refuses definition, and peels back layers of race, and class previously untouched in cinema.

Melodrama by Lorde, Album - With a kajillion pounds of pressure on her shoulders to follow up one of the best pop debuts of all time, Ella delivers. She croons on top of Jack Antonoff’s unruly production about heartbreak, fame, and the feeble impact of acclaim. As one Twitterer put it “I gain an extra chromosome when the beat drops in ‘Sober II’.

mother!, Film - I can’t say I enjoyed this movie because it was the second most excruciating sit I had at the theater all year (kudos to Justice League), but it left me SHOOK. It’s clearly allegorical, but what makes it masterful is that the way you take this movie in is colored almost entirely by your own personal experiences.

Master of None: Season 2, TV Series - A perfect double-feature to Insecure (give me a shared universe where Dev and Issa are a power couple). Ansari’s relentlessly entertaining series accomplishes what every second season strives for. It tops the first, while redefining and expanding itself. The show is tirelessly committed to the experiences of ‘others’ (a deaf person, a lesbian, a non-believing muslim, service workers in NYC etc.) It’ll leave you crying, laughing, and hungry.

Split, Film - When we’re lucky, films hit ya with “SURPRISE, muthafucka” moments that Jesus himself would not see coming. Shyamalan’s second hit in a row (after a run of all time duds) ends with one 17 years in the making. The iconic villain terrifyingly played with razor-sharp swiftness by the world-class James McAvoy is the icing on the cake.

Isaiah Thomas, Athlete - If not for Russell Westbrook’s record breaking response to Kevin Durant’s betrayal, the “King in the Fourth” takes home the MVP. Watching him play through tears the day after his sister died in a car accident will stay with me forever. His 53 point performance on her birthday a few weeks later starkly reminded me of the unifying, powerful spirit of sport.

Moonlight’s Best Picture Win - I’ll begin by saying that I really liked La La Land. A month after we swore in Don, we got it wrong again… psych! I’ll never forget the roller coaster of emotion that came over me in this moment. Barry Jenkin’s tale told through 3 untraditional acts (titled ‘Little’, ‘Chiron’ & ‘Black’) was gorgeously shot, flawlessly acted, and supremely helmed. It arrived at a time we needed it most and Mahershala Ali FINALLY got his shine.

Coco, Film - We got one shot this year, and we NAILED it. This breathtaking portrait of Mexican culture demands to be seen on the big screen and illuminates the importance of dreams, family, and tradition. No manches!

‘No Man’s Land’ scene in Wonder Woman - There were two times in the theater this year that I felt that sinking drop of a roller coaster in my belly, this was one of them. Gal Gadot and Patty Jenkins must be emboldened and protected at all cost.

Woody Harrelson, Actor - The rare movie-star actor quietly had a phenomenal year, further etching the grooves of his name into Hollywood lore. His turns in The Glass Castle, The War for the Planet of the Apes, and Three Billboards in Ebbing Missouri prove he’s STILL at the top of his game. I’m shocked that his heartbreaking portrayal of a drifting, alcoholic yet whimsical and passionate father in The Glass Castle hasn’t gotten more attention.

S - Town, Podcast - The colder you go into this one, the better. All I’ll say is that you’ll step away from this one feeling some type of way about people, the feeble sustainability of the planet, and clocks.

The World Series, Sports - The. Best. Ever. After being devastated by Hurricane Harvey, the Astros grant Houstonians some restoration via their first World Series Championship in a thrilling 7-game series that was literally witnessed by the World.

The Keepers, Documentary Series- This 7 episode series documenting the varying controversies surrounding the Catholic Church left me epiphanized about what it means to remove the seemingly impenetrable powers of institutions. Targeting one single individual, or a group of individuals or an organization won’t get it done. We must take down the viral ideas themselves.

Bladerunner 2049, Film - Aside from being wondrously constructed technically (you won’t see better production design or cinematography - give Deakins his Oscar now dammit), this story about a robot serves up a surprising amount of soul. Denis Villeneuve, solidifying his auteur status, delivers a nostalgic yet entirely unique follow up to the beloved sci fi classic.

‘Throne Room’ scene in The Last Jedi - This was the other time I felt like I was falling in the theater. Despite considerable problems, Rian Johnson showed us stuff we’ve never seen before in the SW universe. It’s the showdown you dream about as a kid.

The Big Sick, film - Kumail Nanjiani’s autobiographical story of how he met his lover is sorta the woke edition of Meet The Parents. Like Dev on MON, Kumail struggles to blaze trails while upholding loyalty to family and falls in love for a white girl along the way. Ray Romano and Holly Hunter turn in a pair of the year’s best performances.

Big Little Lies, Mini Series - I resisted the marketing for this one initially: dissatisfied, rich folk in Monterey. But the re-teaming of Jean-Marc Vallée (Wild, Dallas Buyers Club, Demolition) & Reese Witherspoon seemed promising. Momentum grew with each weekly installment (I overheard people theorizing whodoneit in restaurants), which is refreshing in the Netflix age. The leads are all stellar (believe the hype about Kidman) and Zoe Kravitz proves she should be working more.

Creature Comfort by Arcade Fire, Song - A painful examination of youth that’s equally heartbreaking and melodic.

Homecoming Season 2 - The fictional podcast about the remnants of a government coverup of a failed rehabilitation program for distressed veterans makes some questionable narrative choices in it’s second season and Oscar Isaac is absent throughout most of it (likely due to a loaded schedule). He does “appear” at the end of the second episode ‘CIPHER’, in a brilliant usage of audio storytelling, and it left me in puddles.

Mindhunter, TV Series - We all know Fincher is a technical maestro, but I don’t think he gets enough credit for being a complete storyteller, which he clearly is. The 13-episode made-to-binge Netflix series based off the book by the same name follows Holden Ford, an idealistic FBI profiler, and Bill Tench, played by Holt McCallany subverting every macho character role he’s ever taken on as a highly intelligent, hardened fed, as they attempt to break ground on our understandings of serial murderers. All of Fincher’s trademarks are there with sprinkled elements of Seven, & Zodiac.

Tyler the Creator’s Tiny Desk Concert, Podcast - I enjoyed ‘Flower Boy’, but didn’t find myself returning to it. That all changed after this. In a year of fantastic TDCs (i.e: Thundercat, Chance the Rapper) Tyler’s stands out. With help from a pair of stellar background singers, his array of talents are on full display, namely: composing and orchestrating melody and harmony.

Colin Kaepernick, Athlete - it’s not about the flag or the military don’t @ me.

20th Century Women, Film - Released wide in January, it remains one of the year’s best. Set gorgeously in 1970′s Santa Barbara, Mike Mills’ deeply personal tribute to motherhood, women, & outcasts overflows with heart.

Kamala Harris, (D) CA Senator - She is so bad, can we get started on the 2020 bumper stickers now?

What Now by Sylvan Esso, Album - ‘Hey Mami’ from their 2014 debut popped up on my Pandora one day and I was IN. Amelia Meath’s angelic vocals layered over Nick Sanborn’s unpredictable production is sublime. The “Echo Mountain Sessions” include dope af live recordings of the album’s standout tracks.

Logan, Film - The Wolverine movie we deserve also features a star-making performance from Dafne Keen and an unrecognizable Professor X. With a decade between the last time he inhabited his iconic portrayal of Charles Xavier, Sir Patrick Stewart strides (wheels?) back into the role with award worthy tact.

Fargo Season 3, TV Series - The best season yet and that’s really saying something. David Thewlis is haunting as Varga, the creepiest, most frightening villain in the series’ history and a collection of top-tier thespians rounds out the rest of the cast. There’s also a moment in one of the later episodes similar to the ending of ‘Split’ that’s a real delight.  

Mr. Robot Season 3, TV Series - Showrunner Sam Esmail moves us through this complex dystopia, which has begun to bear resemblance to our reality lately, with complete CTRL. We see Mr. Robot AND Bobby Canavale like never before. That oner episode is pretty cool too, but it’s not even the season’s best.

Other Notables: Patton Oswalt: Annihilation, Girls Trip, The Leftovers Season 3, Glow, Twin Peaks: The Return, Ingrid Goes West, BEAUTIFUL THUGGER GIRLS by Young Thug, Add Violence by NIN, Good Time, Stranger Things: Season 2, Legion, Dunkirk, Crashing, NO ONE EVER REALLY DIES by N.E.R.D, 4:44 by Jay-Z, Dirty John, Wind River, Dear White People

FYI: I still haven’t seen/listened to a lot of stuff, namely all the big award contending films.

[leavemebetosleep]

Lisi Harrison’s Monster High, A Book review.

Warning: this review contains major spoilers.

Where do I begin.

Monster High the book came out in 2010 with the franchise, but despite that I haven’t seen a review of it that was that much more in depth than whether it was appropriate for children, so why not I’ll do it. I might as well get something out of this experience.

The book series is interesting to me because it says a lot about Monster High’s early days; a lot of character concepts that wouldn’t show up in the main franchise until much later are here, as well as working names and early version of each character’s concept. After all Harrison had to get it from somewhere.

It also says a lot about how Mattel had NO idea what age bracket to whom to market this. Sure, obviously they wanted kids, hence a tie in cartoon, but I think they were afraid younger ones wouldn’t be interested and wanted to make sure they had something for the young teen audience as well. The result is a book that doesn’t have a good appeal for any audience except curious, hard core MH fans.

The book follows the stories of Melody Carver and Frankie Stein, each chapter changing point of view as the story progresses. If you’re interested enough in MH to read this, you know who Frankie is, but to describe Melody, she’s basically every self insert character you’ve ever come across in a fanfic. Except unlike with fanfic, which is just a fun hobby, Harrison is supposed to be a professional author and got paid to do this.

Melody’s story follows how she’s about to be a new student at Merston High, moving from California to New Salem, Oregon. She talks about how she doesn’t look like her parents, and when she was younger she used to be an excellent singer. Along with that we learn how prior to moving, she had had a rather large, ‘beak like’ nose she had her plastic surgeon father fix for her. However it didn’t fix her insecurities and she can’t seem to enjoy her new appearance; constantly second guessing if anyone who suddenly took interest in her was only there for her new appearance.

The way I’m writing about that fact right now makes it sound way more logical than the book does. In the book it sounds like when her wealthy surgeon dad gave her the new nose she wanted, and she didn’t have a reason to be a loner special snowflake anymore she had to find a new reason to distance herself from people.

She also gave up singing, the book claiming her asthma problems got so bad it became difficult, but she’s so whiny about it, it almost comes off like she gave up when it got too hard. Later in the book her sister even accuses her as having just given up on it because it would’ve actually made her a little interesting to have a hobby.

…Okay I might have paraphrased that. My point is, this plot point doesn’t really become relevant till book three to my understanding anyway so it’s whatever.  

As earlier referenced, she has a sister named Candace, who is supposed to be more confident, popular, fun, and having more personalty than Melody. She also serves as something of a voice of reason for Melody when she’s not being annoying or cringy. But she’s mostly annoying. Speaking of her, we’re told Melody’s never had any friends but…her sister doesn’t count? I know a sister isn’t exactly the same, but it should lay some frame work for how these things work. 

We find the two settling into their rooms when they spy their next door neighbor, and Melody sees a shirtless Jackson Jekyll out of her window watering the plants.

Melody and her sister thoroughly oggle him as he does this, Candace only writing him off when he turns and she decides he’s a bit too ‘nerdy’ for her tastes. It is at this point I REALLY felt like I was reading a fanfic because this is so on the nose for many self-insert stories I’ve read.

I’m not kidding when I say some parts of this book made me wonder if the author was a little attracted to him herself and living through her creation. There’s just such a subtle …skeeviness to the scene.

Later in the day the two sisters decide to walk around the neighborhood; Candace yelling things at hot guys she sees.

Finally they get near the park where they run into Jackson, who for his part comes off like he wanted to be alone, as he was trying to draw when he as interrupted by the girls. Despite this, and despite Candace’s awful attempt to make ‘curdy’ (supposed to be a combo of cute/nerdy but mostly making me think of spoiled milk) a word; he seems to warm up to an awkward Melody during the conversation and they exchange numbers.

At school we find out he never called her however, and despite her looking can’t seem to find him in the cafeteria. Of course with the way she makes fun of the kids with allergies, and refers to one kid ‘horse-face’; I’d say not calling her was dodging a bullet. For someone who claims to have been bullied so much you’d think she’d be a little less prone to doing the same to others.

Alas, Jackson does meet up with her long enough to explain he was sick.

Their time together doesn’t last long however, as Melody and Cleo DeNile knock into each other soon after. Cleo’s grapes fall off her tray, and she demands Melody give up hers, but she refuses. In revenge, Cleo kisses Jackson, which turns him into Holt, or should I say ‘DJ’, and causes him to leave with her.

…I had to take a moment at the image of Cleo kissing Jackson. It felt so wrong. The whole scene feels so surreal and is paced really badly.

It does however make a good opening to talk about how my favorite characters are handled in this.

Now, I do appreciate Jackson getting to be a main character in something, but he’s pretty much regulated to love interest.

He’s not too different from the Jackson of the other continuities to be fair, aside from him being described as artistic as I’ve mentioned, which is usually reserved for Holt. On the subject of Holt, he’s only here in spirit as instead we get ‘DJ’, who, while admittedly having a similar personality to Holt, is not a blue fire elemental. In fact he looks exactly like Jackson sans glasses, and….why is he a monster again?

Now, I don’t know, maybe this was the working concept Lisi was given and she had to run with it. Though I have trouble believing that, I mean the name sure, but Holt’s doll came out around 6 months, a year at most after this book, and these ghouls spend years in development, that says to me they would’ve known they wanted them to be two dolls with two different looks far enough in advance to let Lisi Harrison know.

However, it does open a very big shortcut for the author, so I’m suspicious this was her invention. Thing is, aside from not following the Robert Louis Stevenson novel, it takes away what makes him a monster.

The way he’s written here just makes him seem like a young man with DID who’s personality shifts are triggered when he gets too hot, and implying people with DID are monsters is not a good thing to say the very least.  

The worst bit is, if she didn’t want Holt to be visibly monstrous he could’ve, like the original novel, looked human still, but with his own features. It would’ve been a fair compromise.

Anyway, Melody’s dislike of Cleo. It is this dislike that leads her to become friends with a girl named Bekka and her minion Haylee. Bekka is…an odd one. She’s that character who’s so obviously gonna be the villain you’re surprised she doesn’t have devil horns and a twirly mustache. She’s obsessed with her boyfriend Brent to the point it’s unhealthy. She makes it the biggest rule of the friendship contact she makes Melody sign.

Oh yes, there’s a contract in this. What is it with bad books an contracts, first 50 Shades now this. Wait, or did this come first? Whatever the case, we’re supposed to believe Melody is so inexperienced with people she doesn’t find this weird. This is where my comment about her sister comes up; who’s stated to have had lots of friends. Does Melody think her sister makes people sign contracts? Does she think Candace signs contracts?

It’s such a bizarre thing. I had to stop reading for a moment to ponder what I was doing with my life. I can’t even make fun of it because it’s already such a joke. Haylee even notarizes it, does Bekka expect this to be legally binding?  

Sigh.

The first week of their friendship goes decently enough however, and we discover ‘Jackson’s’ fling with Cleo had ended now that Deuce Gorgon has returned. Cleo mocks Melody that she can ‘have the nerd back now’ as Melody sees Jackson coming down the hall, and to get back at both in one go kisses Deuce in front of everyone.

Cleo, though obviously hurt with tears in her eyes as Deuce kisses back semi eagerly, manages to not react too much, but Jackson, not knowing what was going on, destroys what what he was carrying. It turns out to be a gift for Melody, who now feels terrible.

There is so much wrong with all that. I feel so offended on Deuce’s behalf at this portrayal, and this scene is written so unnaturally awkward. And Melody apparently still likes Jackson? Why? As far as she’s knows all he’s been is a jerk to her? Ugh.

Later that night finds Melody moping around as she decides to stay home from a family outing (camping in the backyard) so she can stalk/be a peeping tom to Jackson. No really, he’s her neighbor and her sisters window can see into his room; so she literally grabs a bowl of popcorn with plans to spy all night.

This is….really creepy. Melody’s not the most likable to begin with, and this does not make me want to root for her.

She doesn’t get far with that as Jackson shows up, let in by her parents. They talk, Melody seeming happy she made him jealous kissing Deuce, but calling him out of making out with Cleo all week (a bit hypocritical there). Except he doesn’t remember any of what she’s talking about, and explains he has blackouts. This explanation seems to be enough for her to forgive him, and she questions nothing further.

They flirt a while until her insecurities come back up, and she makes him look at a picture her old nose as a test; except he can’t tell tell much difference and thinks she looks pretty both ways. She decides she wants to kiss him then, but they’re interrupted when Melody’s mom yells that she saw a wolf.

They hang out again later with Bekka and Haylee, and Bekka complains about Frankie supposedly flirting with Brett, who finally shows up with Heath Burns, who is not related to Jackson in this universe.

They’re apparently filming a monster movie, but Jackson gets too hot and leaves to go inside. Melody follows and this leads to their first kiss.

Unfortunately for Melody, this turns him into DJ, who is very confused and mistakes the situation for quick hook up. His strange and rude behavior leads her to kick him out.

It also is what makes her decide to ask Deuce to the dance instead when she hears Cleo isn’t going, to which he agrees. A clueless Jackson later comes by to ask her, but she’s still understandably pretty mad from before. They go back and forth until he turns into DJ again, who finally explains to her who he is and vaguely mentions the whole Jekyll/Hyde thing.

Melody records his transformation on her phone and shows it to Jackson when he comes back, which causes him to rush off.

She manages to find him, and it turns out he went to confront his mother about it. Here we get some exposition about great grandpa Henry’s potion, how the trait got ingrained into his DNA, how the split personality drove Jackson’s father insane (as in the book it comes from his side instead of his mother’s, while she is only a human, hence no fire elemental traits), the fact Jackson’s father is in a mental hospital, and how Jackson’s transformations only started recently.

It’s this last bit I have to admit is probably better than the way the main universe went about things. Sorry, but Jackson not knowing he had a second personality until teenager-hood when it’s been happening from birth makes no sense.

After this is the dance, but I’ll get back to that, now let’s switch to Frankie’s half of this book.

I like Frankie here. Sort of, sometimes she gets a little too into the teen girl stereotypes, but overall she’s not actually written too far off from how Frankie was written it the early days of the show. That’s kind of a problem here tho, because the world she’s been placed in doesn’t match her.

Many of the qualities the show celebrated about her, here mostly come back to bite her, to the point she feels like being herself is a terrible thing. I mostly feel sad for her the whole book as I end up thinking about the show and how happy she is in that world. It gets bad enough that it was all I could remember about her parts after my initial read. I suppose it’s intentional by the author that we’re to feel bad for her, but it gets overdone at times. Maybe I’m just too much of a softie though.

Her story opens up with an admittedly nice prologue from her point of view about how she came to life; it reminds me of her SDCC diary in that way. She’s pretty endearing.

Her part of this story then skips forward to her waiting to recharge while listening to music, while Lisi Harrison tries to fit in as many brand names and celebrities as she can. Seriously, you cut out all the namedropping in the first two pages of this chapter and there’d be nothing there.

Not that the whole book hadn’t already been doing that, but my god is it annoying. Not to mention dates the book terribly.

Her dad comes by her room to have a talk to her, and Frankie at first worries she’s perhaps spent too much in redecorating her room considering all those mentioned brand names, but instead they explain that summer’s coming to a close.

This really doesn’t mean much to Frankie, but they explain they work at a local university and school with be starting again soon. Meaning they won’t  be able to stay home with her. After some exposition about what normies are and why she isn’t one, they tell her they’re sending her to a school, which she becomes very excited about when she realizes it means meeting kids her own age.

Of course, it’s not that simple as they present her with the outfit the expect her to wear for her first day: a wool pantsuit and stage makeup. They attempt to explain to her that she’s a RAD, or Regular Attribute Dodger, or a monster as they’re known by normies.

Now the concept of monsters being real and living hidden in modern society is not a bad one. Probably why the reboot decided to use it. It’s just, as this scene goes on we’re we are given some …odd world building.

Like the reason humans hate monsters is….old monster movies. Okay, I understand media is a powerful thing, and it can completely shape people’s opinions about minorities, but usually media is a symptom of the problem, not the cause.

Not to mention did this really even need that explanation? You could’ve just went with the usual, human paranoia about vampires killing them for blood, being afraid of monster’s powers, ect; the media thing is a fine shout out to the classic movies, but being the sole cause of human’s turn against them?

Also, how would there be people who don’t believe monsters are real if this happened that recently? The film industry is not that old, people would know monsters exist if they apparently have them on film.

Frankie too finds her questioning this new world, as she’s not particularly thrilled about the idea of hiding her skin or wearing wool, and can’t wrap her head around the idea she needs to hide who she is. 

So when the day comes she decides shes going to ignore her parents and wear the outfit of her choosing with no stage make up to hide the green. Of course her parents don’t approve, while Frankie argues that if other people don’t like her for who she is, that’s their problem not hers (which isn’t bad advice).

Still, they must press her to change as it’s dangerous, but she only goes as far as to cover her seams. Finally, her parents seem to relent and take her to school. Going outside for the first time is amazing to Frankie, and she’s very excited; though she admits she doesn’t know where she’s going or what she’s doing. 

Of course the inevitable happens, she runs into another teen and they don’t react well to the sight of a girl with green skin. Frankie’s parents suddenly reappear and get her back into the car before any authority can arrive to see them.

Her father admits he was just trying to teach her a lesson that perhaps went too far. Frankie is in tears now, and some what bitterly agrees to wear to the make up and suit.

I have one major issue with this scene, and it’s when it’s revealed this is not her school, and in fact her school hasn’t started yet. This was all planned by her parents. So, her parents, suspecting she wouldn’t understand the danger, decided trying to scar her for life and nearly expose them in the process was better than trying to talk her through it some more? Like the way it’s written makes it seem like they only talked about it the once, and didn’t even go that in depth at how risky things are.

Like if this was a genuine last resort or something I could understand, but it feels more like a cop out on their part. She’s barely two weeks old, of course she’s not going to get it after one conversation when she’s never even been outside! And again, this was a huge risk to take for their whole secret society; I doubt other RADs would have approved.

Frankie now fearfully starts school for real, simply hoping no one notices her. Of course that doesn’t happen, as she quickly gets the attention of DJ Hyde, much to her annoyance. She zaps him by accident and he gives her the nick name ‘Firecracker’.

That’s right about when Draculaura aka ‘Lala’ makes her first appearance with Lagoona or ‘Blue’, who tries to help Lala with her makeup (as she wants to look good in front of DJ, which I admit being reminded of that old plot made me a little nostalgic for early MH) and asks the heavily made up Frankie if she’d be alright with loaning them some eyeliner.

For the rest of class Frankie tries to ignore DJ and focus more on the boy she actually has a crush on, Brett. She likes him because he likes monsters, and seeing as he’s wearing a Frankenstein t-shirt, takes it as a sign he wouldn’t mind that she’s his granddaughter. Not to mention that now she knows there’s a girl who likes DJ, wouldn’t want to take him from her (an attitude you’ll find doesn’t last).

Also during class she becomes worried that Melody is onto her, not realizing the girl is really just another girl who wants to boy currently trying to get her attention.

After class Blue and Lala befriend her and invite her to go to the spa with them that weekend, to which she agrees.

Frankie heads off that weekend, meeting Cleo and Claudine (not ‘Clawdeen’), who don’t seem as keen on her as Blue and Lala after she makes an innocently insensitive comment. We find out Lala was a bit mad at Cleo for making out with DJ, but Cleo assures her it was just to make Melody mad, as DJ knows she’s taken. Speaking of Deuce, Cleo’s very upset over his kiss with Melody, and at this Ula decides to forgive her as she’s not into DJ anymore anyway (rendering that part of the plot completely pointless). 

Finally they get there, and Frankie starts to feel more included as the girls explain how to go through the spa to her, and she talks about her crush on Brett. The girls make jokes about how difficult it’s gonna be to steal him from the infinitely jealous Bekka, and no one tells her not to chase a boy who is already taken. Considering Cleo was just recently upset at feeling cheated on, this feels hypocritical.

All the ghouls finally part to get their various treatments, each one hinting at their monster type. 

Frankie decides on trying the tanning beds on the advice it reduces the appearance of scars. While there she relaxes, but gets distracted enough by a fantasy she accidentally sparks and blows a fuse.

She absolutely panics, making things worse, until smoke starts emitting form her seams. In all the confusion she manages to get dressed and runs out of there terrified. She’s crushed that she ruined everything, ignores her new friends calls, and walks home full of anxiety over how her parents will react. She finally breaks down crying when a passing car hits her with water.

She makes it home deciding not to tell her parents what happened, and they buy her fake story, getting her dried off.

Early the next morning her and her parents get called to a new emergency meeting of the local underground monster community. Not called for the spa incident (locals blamed it on the storm), but Frankie being sighted earlier.

At the meeting, Frankie learns which members of her town are RADs, and in turn tell the others as well. Along with their real names, monster types, there’s even some history on what parts of town were built by monsters.

Feeling safe to do so, Frankie fesses up to the power outage she caused, and to her relief they seem pretty understanding. All except Claudine, who wasn’t able to get her hair waxed and got tagged by PETA for ‘wearing fur’.

They all talk openly of their monster problems until Mrs. J (or Mrs. Jekyll) arrives to start the meeting sans her son. She warns them to be careful around normies, and Cleo can’t resist a jab in Deuce’s direction over Melody. Deuce apologizes, implying he’s already done this, and Cleo seems to be in the process of forgiving him, or at least content knowing he and Melody don’t actually want each other.

Mrs. J continues the meeting announcing the Merston High has chosen a monster theme for an upcoming school dance. Much of the crowd seems offended at that, but Frankie speaks up to say she finds the idea rather flattering, and maybe even a sign of a change in attitude.

She goes even further as to suggest they all use it as an opportunity to be able to go out in public with out disguises for a change. The other kids seem to like the idea in theory, but when put to a vote only Frankie and Billy Phadin (to Frankie’s gratitude) are in favor.

She’s bummed out at how afraid everyone is to try anything, and doesn’t join in saying the RADs slogan ‘Hide with Pride’.

It’s after this chapter we get a chapter from the point of view of Ghoulia which, while not unwelcome, feels out of nowhere. It’s also much more in line with the show, as she tries to talk her parents into letting her go to NekroCon so she can try and get her Deadfast No. 1.

I love this chapter, but the sudden references to the main-verse are very out of place in everything Harrison’s built up so far. Still, it’s Ghoulia’s first appearance so I can’t complain.

Back at school Frankie is amazed at how well Mrs. J manages to seem impartial, and how the only one who seems to have any visible monster pride is Brett.

Brett brings up monsters, Frankie joining in to the teacher’s dismay, but it’s all interrupted by a ‘monster drill’ (which involves using your chair as a shield in a very silly manor).

Brett shows interest in Frankie as she seems to like monsters as well, which encourages her. This goes even further when school announcements remind everyone about the dance, and Bret tells everyone he’s going as Frankenstein’s monster. Bekka chimes in she’s going as the bride to match, and Frankie wishes she could say they’re both going as her grandparents and the reals bride’s dress is at her house.

Mrs. J however was not amused by all the monster talk, and privately reminds Frankie she has to be discreet. However Frankie feels monster kind are never going to get anywhere if they don’t actually make any attempts to try, and the warning is lost on her. 

This becomes very apparent to her parents at home as Frankie gets more and more frustrated, to the point she bitterly asks her parents why they didn’t just make her look human if she has to pretend to be one anyway.

…Which is actually a good point. They go on about how they didn’t because they’re proud of who they are and she should be too. That hiding is just for safety, but seriously if she’s going to have to hide her entire life they could’ve spared her a lot of agony to just make her look more human to begin with. I get what the author was going for but still.

The author could’ve just explained they didn’t have that ability instead, which might’ve been more in line with the metaphor.  

The argument leads to them banning her from the dance entirely, and she admits her father might be right not to trust her, as she plans to go anyway.

Now to her credit, she does try to earn their permission by behaving, but it doesn’t sway them so it goes to plan B. She gets the other ghouls to join in with her (they’d been boycotting it originally), and using her bare skin and grandmother’s wedding dress as a costume arrives at the dance.  

Meanwhile, Melody is also at the dance, lamenting Jackson has been avoiding her lately. She’s resisted the temptation to talk to anyone else about what she knows, and tried to distract herself with the event.

It doesn’t really work, and she runs into Jackson at the punch bowl, dressed as Igor. ....Then we get this joke:

 “What are you doing here?” Melody asked, relived.

“I thought you might wanna hump?” He pointed to the pillow stuffed up under the back of his sweater like a hunchback.

 …What the heck did I just read. Did this book really need a bad sex joke? It’s so awkward even Melody starts to just walk away.

Yet, somehow this leads to them talking things out and making up. Then we cut back to the monster side of things:

Frankie runs into the similarly dressed Bekka who tries to insult her, and Billy gets another cameo. She’s thrilled with the positive attention her ‘costume’ is getting, particularly when she gets it from Brett.

Their talking leads to a kiss that ends with Frankie’s head popping off and Brett fainting.

Screams and confusion take over, but Billy helps her escape as the monsters make a run for it to get back home.

Meanwhile at the dance, as all the monsters are escaping, Jackson feels a transformation coming on and tries in vain to get Melody to leave. Melody however is distracted by an angry Bekka who wants vengeance against Frankie for kissing her boyfriend, demanding that Melody help her get it.

She can’t do both, and spends too much time trying to figure out what side to be on. Finally DJ appears and makes her decision for her, as he decides he wants to find where Firecracker is.

Bekka heads out too, leaving Melody with the threat of turning against her if she doesn’t help soon. Going off to stir up monster paranoia as best she can, and wanting to make sure to get an angry mob going so Frankie is found.

Melody still can’t seem to make up her mind on what to do, and asks her sister in vague terms what she thinks. Candace tells her she has to pick the side she thinks is right and not be a coward about it like she usually is.

Frankie wakes up at home and over hears the RAD parents having an angry, scared conversation over what’s going to happen, blaming Frankie’s parents for not controlling her behavior better. More than that, they talk about their fears of what will happen to their own children, laying more blame on Frankie for all that might happen to the point of demanding the Steins leave town. Frankie’s father kicks them out after that, but soon as their gone he and his wife can’t deny their own worries.

Frankie feels crushed under the weight of her guilt and lays on her bed crying. It gets bad enough she begins to wish either that she had never been made, or wouldn’t wake up next time she sleeps.

She does wake up after drifting off however, to find DJ having snuck in her room to her confusion (which is a bit of creeper move on his part). He seems concerned enough however, so she tells him about her problems. Telling him how stupid and reckless she feels, and how she ruined everyone’ lives.

DJ on the other hand thinks she did everyone a favor, and that RAD society needs someone like her around because they weren’t getting anywhere. He tells her he thinks she’s absolutely amazing, that she shouldn’t give up, and that he likes her. Likes the fact she goes for what she wants.

This scene is honestly adorable and so far the best scene out of the book. They way he builds her up, promises to help her and be there for her, and while obvious he has a crush, doesn’t pressure her about returning the feelings and just wants to see her be happy.

They get interrupted however, and by the time it’s safe again DJ has been replaced with Jackson; who doesn’t know who she is or where he is, and is looking for Melody. She upset and confused by his departure.

Melody shows up at the Jekyll residence and tells Mrs. J that she knows, but promises to be their secret keeper. She also plans to help find Jackson.

This is nearly ruined as after leaving she runs into Bekka and Haylee. Bekka reveals she found the recording of Jackson’s transformation on her phone and black mails her with it.

She gives Melody two days to find and hand over Frankie or she’ll show it to the police.

This villainous reveal is so over the top too, she actually makes Melody sign another agreement and pulls an egg timer out of her purse as she threatens her about the time limit. It’s hilarious.

Melody’s left there terrified she’s just messed things up big time when Jackson finds her.

She explains what happened, and he reveals he knows where Frankie is, but refuses to give her up to save himself. Not even for his own sake, but he knows DJ likes her. DJ would want her safe and he can’t betray his other half like that.

Melody thinks it’s very noble, but tricks him so he’ll turn into DJ, who leads her to Frankie.

Frankie is understandably not pleased to see her, and the scene gets a bit meta in the sense DJ and Frankie reflect my own feelings about Melody to an extent.

They do talk it out of course, Melody explains the Jekyll/Hyde thing to Frankie, and convinces Frankie that she’s just here to be an ally. Though I will say Melody saying she can relate to Frankie because she got teased for her big nose; while Frankie has to fear her family and friends getting killed because she’d undead makes Melodork come off very …White.

Then the book just kinda stops after that. I know it was meant to have sequels, but there’s no real resolution to anything. It’s just:

“We need a plan to fix this.” ”I agree”

The End.

 Over all thoughts: one of the reason this review got so in depth is because, as I wrote the first draft I realized I couldn’t remember a lot of the book. As I found my self skimming the book, I kept finding whole scenes I had no memory of at all (which I’d end up throwing in). It’s super forgettable once you put it down, and the only things that make it memorable are the things that make it annoying.

Like the name dropping, I’ve talked about it before, but oh god the name dropping. On top of every character’s outfit having to be described in great detail it made me feel like I was reading a clothing catalog.

All the human OCs are poorly written, Bekka’s ridiculous and so over the top it’s hard to take her seriously, Haylee just exists to follow Bekka around, Brett’s a cheater (yeah, I’d rather have Frankie than Bekka too but he could’ve just broken up with her first), Candace is spoiled, and Melody is whiny and annoying.

Worse, this book is such a waste of what was a really cool concept, a more mature version of the MH-verse. There’s so many hints in here too of the better book we could’ve received, like Frankie’s prologue. Would it have been a better book if Lisi had just stuck to the monster characters? That I can’t say, as the ghouls characterization haven’t been safe from bad writing either, but none were as bad as any of the humans.  

On the positive side, I can see why some people do like this book...sort of. It does try very hard to build it’s universe, and while some of it fails, some is actually pretty interesting. It can even be entertaining at points, albeit in a ‘so bad it’s good’ way. 

I’ve almost hit 6,000 words though, so until I finish the next book this is where I end off. Thank you for making it this far, I hope you enjoyed my first ever book review. 

[jeanxgenie]

01.03.17

I don’t even know where to begin, talking to you has become something different entirely. A different being. I get the impression the love runs deep, and at the bottom of all the distancing and cold shoulder you show me now, a part of you is probably still in love with me.

 I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting, I wake up every day and think of you. I think I’ve settled my own head knowing it’s not me missing being your girlfriend, but I miss my best friend. We had it all and you just didn’t fight for me. I don’t know why you didn’t fight if you loved me as much as you claim to have done. It felt real, it felt right.

 It’s hard for me to let go of the details and I know you’re stuck on the ones where I failed you too. We both failed each other in many ways. That was the disintegration of the relationship. I carried around so much hurt; I never truly felt like yours and I told you so many times to amend your behaviours and you’re wondering eyes but they never did stop wondering around the sea of the internet. I’d look at these girls and feel nothing but self-hatred when I saw them in their suspenders and with their perfect hair and their heavily made up faces. I didn’t stop putting in effort for the most part with my looks, granted when I was depressed I definitely could have tried harder and let myself slip. I comforted myself with sugary snacks and binge filled evenings I regretted every time. I stopped matching my underwear every morning and I lived in clothes that were comfortable rather than that complimented the curves I carry around.

 I always compared my body to that of the anatomy books they show you in sex ed, the woman always depicted with wide child bearing hips and curves and natural looking tits. A soft body, feminine, realistic typical portrayal of a ‘woman’ I suppose. That is me. That is what I offer physically. I was never going to be the girl dressed in Topshop with no breasts and the hips of a boy. The baggy t-shirts and loose fit ‘mom’ jeans that have become so popular in editorials and photo shoots that scatter Instagram do nothing for me. I’ve always found it hard to be the ‘cool’ girl, to be effortless or alternative when I look my best in plain clothing that fits tight to my shape. There’s nothing punk about that. I know that. My clothes are as exciting as my personality which I feel is also beige. Regardless of all this, I knew how to turn it on when necessary, I made the effort to surprise you and I’d always make an effort for date night or when we went out for food. I wanted you to feel proud to have me on your arm.

 Ours was the longest relationship I’d ever committed to. Everything about the friendship was easy, there was no denying we got on. It was the type of connection that didn’t need explanation it just was. We vibed off each other and I never felt uncomfortable hanging with you, there never felt a time of awkwardness, we could just be. I guess that’s what I miss the most, the companionship. But that got wiped out alongside the mess that was the deception and the secrecy. It was never going to be easy to be together and we were both innately aware of that fact. I remember the night you cried in the carpark to me thinking we were having to break up to make everyone else happy. That the love we felt was not allowed, it was forbidden in the eyes of our self-made ‘family’. I will never forget that night and what we went through thinking we could never openly express the love we felt.

 For all that, for all the stresses and having to hide our feelings for so long, when it all as in the open and finally accepted that we were in fact together and in love I thought that was it. I thought you’d be happy, but nothing could make you truly happy and I never did get to the bottom of that. No love in the world could reach that place that resides in the depths of your head. You continued to keep me a secret from family, friends, and the people we worked with. Everything was strictly business, I had to be professional at all times, I could never be seen to be yours even when people were comfortable that I was. I was always defiant of them anyway, I didn’t give a fuck what they thought, I loved you and that was all that mattered. Fuck if anyone else couldn’t deal with my relationship outside of work or who I chose to spend my time with. That was mine and I always still owned that part of my life. It wasn’t up for discussion or for released control into the hands of the others. It was mine.

 I only met your mum a couple months before we broke up. I loved your family truly, I loved getting to know them for the brief time I did. It saddened me you hadn’t let me be a part of your world sooner when you’d been welcomed into mine from the first time you slept over. Our relationship wasn’t some perfect story, we bickered like an old married couple. We often fought and clashed our heads together. To this day I still describe us as a modern day Sid and Nancy, but it worked. It was never malicious, the clashing was with love. We challenged each other. We were both so stubborn, we still are.

 It was always playing in the back of my head the sea of girls that you’d befriend and the excuses that came with that. The photos of them undressed and the hilarity you found in the whole thing. The excuses were dry and once they appeared in one corner of your circle they’d creep into all aspects of your internet world. They’d be somebody on Instagram, who you’d then befriend on Facebook, who would talk to you on here, who you’d tweet to more and more. They’d worm their way in on our relationship which in fairness they didn’t know existed. You didn’t tell them I was yours. There was no inclination or hint to my existence in any of your online presence or in fact your presence in the real world. I was always the girl who was just your best friend, they would question if it was more but you never gave them an answer. There would be text messages that didn’t make sense, there would be inappropriate conversations to have had with people you’d say were just your friends. Years this went on, years and years throughout the time we were together.

 I grew more and more insecure as time went on. My love for you never died, my love for myself shrunk so small it was barely visible anymore. You did know me so well, you knew how I hated and still do hate to feel alone. I struggle with my own company, and my own schedule, it coincides with the depression. The back of my mind always haunted me with the image of us marrying and you walking out on me with no remorse. I saw you walking the way my own father did in my parents’ marriage. The fear of being alone is something I’ve always struggled with, you could say I have abandonment issues, you’d probably be correct and it’s something I’m aware of. I tortured myself with the lack of knowing your habits and the reality and extent of the girls who made your head turn when I wasn’t watching. You could never give me solid proof to confirm that nothing was going on. You said it was an invasion of your privacy, but all I needed was a little reassurance and with all the love you felt for me you couldn’t even give me that peace of mind. I was forever in turmoil not knowing what was going on behind my back, you couldn’t give me a shred of confidence in you. It ate away at me, it really did.

 I made my own mistakes too. Throughout all this back and forth in my own head knowing if I could live without you and be strong enough to leave my best friend knowing I deserved reassurance and love and comfort, not breach of trust, lies and deceit. I told you after I left it was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in a relationship having to walk away but I did not have any other choice. You couldn’t give me the answers I needed and I was losing my mind not knowing the truth. I should have been yours, you should have wanted to scream it from the rooftops how important and in love we were but you cowered away. Even after we broke up, all it would have taken was a bunch of flowers sent to my house or you catching a bus to mine and banging down the door to see me, that fight, that need, that craving for me to not really leave. But I faced total silence, I spent weeks in silence, waiting on you again to step up to the plate and being once more disappointed. Less than twenty four hours after I ended it you were looking at other girls again. Something I’d stopped checking for the last few months we were together just so that I could pretend we were fine. I wanted that fifties version of movie romance, I wanted to pretend we were the ones living out the dream of true love. That we had that love people write songs about and dedicate books to.

 Your drinking was a problem. When we were happy we would still fight if it sent you the wrong way. You had two automated channels after throwing back the booze; the funniest man I had ever met or the nastiest aggressive man I would face. I don’t miss that part and I’ve seen it even recently in you. The aggression towards others and the cutting comments. I never liked that side of you.

 I’m not an innocent in this story, I know I moved on quickly from you and I. Like you said to me I cannot stand to be alone. I cannot stand my own company and I fell head first for someone who offered me the security and comfort that was missing from our own relationship. When he asked me on a date, he looked after me more so in that one evening than I had been my entire life and it surprised me. Here stood a man I never thought would show any interest in myself confessing how much he loved me, how much I turned his world into a frenzy when I stepped into it. How I came in like a hurricane and changed everything he had thought was his future. I only ever thought he would be my friend. We always got on so well when we first met but I didn’t know that would ever become something more. He had an almost fiancée and I was done with the concept of love after you and I came to an end. I felt lust, I felt passion, I felt like yes I could sleep with someone else but I never expected anything more than that. My belief in love was dead.

 I thought my days of loving were over. But here he was, this man crazily unapologetically in love with all that I am, offering me the world and more. It was different from the start, he told everybody in his life who I was within only one date taking place. The day I went for a meal with him he asked me to move in. I questioned it all, it’s just chemicals and hormones and a slew of madness I thought to myself. I’m not special or worthy of this kind of emotion, why would anybody want me this much? What the hell did I do to make anyone this gaga over somebody like me? But it didn’t stop, he didn’t back down with his displays of affection. He looked after me in a way I hadn’t felt since the happiness of my childhood. I’d forgotten contentment like this for almost 12 years and here it was embodied in the safety and love of this man.

 Nothings perfect, after the initial hurricane of loves first bloom my insecurities snuck up on me once more. I questioned being worthy of this love. I questioned this man’s motives, I questioned if this was real, why would he love me? What did I do to deserve this love? Was I just another fool, another stupid little girl making another of my many mistakes? My trust had been shattered for over a decade and my heart kicked back and forth like a football match between two rival teams. Fast and hard with neither side relinquishing their desire to annihilate the opposition. The depression crept back amongst my sickness. I was incredibly ill and suddenly faced with vulnerability at such an early stage of a new relationship. Having to completely lay myself bare and trust this new person to look after me whilst I was away from home and to not turn around and leave as soon as they see me at my worst. I lay in bed ugly and pale with dark circles pressed deep down into the layers of skin that wrapped around my eyes. Over the course of that week I cried, I ate, I cried more from the pain, I questioned if he would leave me, if he would still really love me when he saw me like this. Still he was there every day, every hour of the morning on the phone to the DR, holding my body when I moaned out in pain, bringing me fluids when I only managed two hours sleep one night to try and get me to eventually rest my eyes. It was a hard week, physically yes but also emotionally for myself a huge test.

 I became restless and he saw it making its way back into my life. He could see the darkness and the uneasiness I felt. My inability to sit still in front of the TV and just relax of an evening. It was like I had itchy feet and needed to be constantly stood. That next morning he left for work I cried until my eyes shrunk behind the surrounding skin, puffed up like meringue. The tears came and didn’t stop flowing, there was no reasoning with myself to get it together and stop this stupid feeling of sadness. The seal was broken and it was too late to stop the leak, I was broken again and I knew that day was a right off. I phoned around desperate for someone to talk to, I even tried to talk to you my ex-lover in hope you could even support me as a friend but you turned the other way. I understand why, I also felt a deeper sense of abandonment. Know that I had forgiven you for all your past mistakes as a way to remain friends, I forgave all the hurt and I still cared deeply about your wellbeing despite being the first to move on. I get the sense it’s too hard for you to care about mine. I wondered if you’d care if I died, if my body was no longer in existence on this earth what you would feel.

 I’ve felt like dying ever since that day, it’s been a week now and the feelings haven’t left. My head tortures me with images of my body hanging from my bedroom ceiling. The illness teasing me with ways out from the life that I’m struggling so much with living at present. I still don’t feel well from whatever virus I picked up when my love looked after me so patiently. I’m so sick of being sick and so tired of being tired. Battling just my head alone is the greatest challenge I continue to face as the years come and leave, to have to battle both my physical and mental health when neither are at a level that makes my life liveable is a challenge that belittles and engulfs me.

 I left my love, they sent me home from where I was working alongside him. I sit here alone in my room as I write this and reflect on all these things that have been clogging up my head. All this emotion and fraught distress that has overwhelmed me. Abandonment is an issue I cannot digest and it’s harder knowing I must rest and recover here in my home alone than to be physically unwell but continue to surround myself with others. I failed at my job with him, I failed at my job as a musician and I have failed my new relationship in many ways slipping to such lows so early on. The issues we contend with have potential to make the bonds that tie us close snap. He became so angered and I questioned leaving him, such a new love only newly bloomed and I was ready to walk away. Depression has a habit of stealing everything from underneath you and leaving you completely alone with just yourself and it. It steals everything that makes you a person and cuts each part off one by one until you are alone. It waves goodbye to any interests or hobbies you once enjoyed, it tells you you’re not worthy of the love from your family and friends. It wants you alone with it, it wants you vulnerable and weak and for you to get sucked into the point of giving up on everything for it. It wants you dead. Depression doesn’t give a fuck about you the person, it wants you gone from this world. Depression wants to send souls to the other side, its goal is to eliminate people one by one through entering their heads and informing them they are not worthy of the life they have been given.

 When you see great battles re-enacted in film or hear of tactics and bravery throughout some of the wars in history it may seem of ill taste to begin to compare something of such great scale to that of a mental illness. For me at least, that’s how fraught the battle is, that is how hard it is to face the day. Fighting your depression is like going to battle against the world’s best army with a wooden sword and a frail body. The smallest things makes you crack under pressure. The boundaries of coping and what you are able to cope with diminish. I find myself bursting into hysterical tears over such small failures, often of which the people around me see as me doing something at an acceptable level. Try telling someone they’re great at something when they think they are the shit stain of society. Good luck convincing them they aren’t.

 I’ve been writing this for almost two hours now and there’s still so much more I could say. These are the tangled web of thoughts that I’ve needed to put out somewhere that isn’t a spin cycle in my own brain. We all need that release. I miss my lover every day we are apart. I believe in trying to salvage the best out of new encounters and knowing that you deserve to be treated well. I try to tell myself every day I am a person worthy of his love and there’s parts of me he sees that I don’t know how to love myself but that one day in his arms I will love them too. I could become too much for him, I’ve lost lovers at the cost of my own head before, and it is not easy to date someone of such negative disposition. I believe love exists again, I believe it comes to us at different times under various different guises and I believe I currently have the love I need. I hope that this illness doesn’t take that from me either. I also respect that it is also out of my control.

  I miss my best friend every day, but I hope in time he will forgive me for moving on. I love the man I’m with, I appreciate his resilience and drive to succeed and to not let me fall behind. It’s a different kind of love, no two relationships are the same. Bonds and friendships are paramount but trust is of greater importance. Care and feeling are of greater importance, I need to be looked after. I need to be cared for and supported as much as I support the person I’m with. I need stability and rationality and sometimes that isn’t exciting in the way drama is when it knocks at the door, but its adult and it’s sensible but it’s consistently still there every morning. Yes there was an excitement to having to constantly prove myself, to constantly try and keep someone else’s attention on me, but the darker side to that life was the crumbling of my own self esteem.

 Love should make you flourish, make you want to be the best version of yourself you can put out into the world. It should still support you at times where you are ready to recoil from life. Love should only damage when it is taken away, not when it is meant to coexist between two souls and the lives that they live. Love shouldn’t thrive on insecurity, it shouldn’t have to prove anything nor require you to prove you deserve it. Love is selfless not selfish, it gives to the other, it ensures the other person is ok, it ensures that they make it through. Love is laughing and experiencing more than just the home you inhabit. Love is being comfortable enough to spend time at home and embrace each other’s needs and silences.

 I have faced so many personal challenges over the past four months that have led to me breaking and having to rebuild the foundations again. My health has caused constant worry, I have been drugged up on prescription after prescription with no clearer understanding of what is wrong with me. My head has sunk low and my mental state has succumbed to the demons that circle from a distance, they waited for my health to decline and my head to snap and swooped in violently gripping their hands around my skull. I’ve been trying to vanquish their grip since, I have my love, I have friends I have family and I have to continue in weakness to fight.

[hiddlesgirl]

SH 306: A Window Into An Empty Room

This was another fantastic episode; as I have said before Season 3 is proving to be the best season so far, I have really liked (if not loved) every single episode and have only had very few small issues. We finally got drunk Alec but not in the way we expected, we won but at what cost? Maryse and Luke have some fantastic chemistry and I hope we see more scenes with them in the future. I love seeing Magnus and Biscuit team up, they have such a wonderful friendship. And I said last week, it’s all downhill from here!

I love that Simon and Kyle are testing out the mark; Simon need to be confident in having some ability to control or anticipate it activating, which we now know won’t activate if he evades the attack. It helps Simon, Kyle and the Praetor have confidence that they can control it and therefore reduce the risk of it hurting anyone else. 

Simon brings up having lunch with Maia which Kyle quickly evades; as I have said multiple times, I have not read the books but have read a lot of fanfic and seen a lot on twitter so I know that Jordan is Maia’s ex and the one who turned her. I feel bad for Simon because he seems to really like Kyle and they could be great friends, but knowing about Kyle and Maia’s history you know there is going to be a lot of upset and friction when that all comes out (which happens in 3x07 by the look of the promo). I also feel sympathy for Maia because she has heard about ‘Kyle’ from Simon and how he has helped him, so that built up image of him is going to shatter when she learns who he really is. Plus we know just how much she has been affected by what he did; soured their relationship with possessive behaviour, presumable stalked her because he attacked her after she had been on a date, turned her against her will, and then abandoned her to deal with it on her own. I predict that I am going to want to give Maia a million hugs next episode. 

Heidi is waiting for Simon in his apartment (stalker alert!) and drops the bomb about him being her sire due to his blood being on her lips when she died; I have to give massive props to Tessa for her portrayal, not only making Heidi seem creepy, but also desperate, delusional and vulnerable. She has been around vampires for several years and has probably built up this fantasy in her head that she would have this amazing bond and relationship with her sire, especially because of her family issues, so it is understandable that she has become fixated on that; that there is someone who will love her and be bonded to forever.

Simon is understandable freaked; he thought she was dead and he is not prepared to be a sire, he has only been a vampire himself for a little over two months plus he didn’t turn her willingly or knowingly. He has a lot of his own issues to deal with right now and doesn’t feel capable of helping someone else, practically a stranger, through theirs. Plus she is an un-dead physical reminder of one of his biggest mistakes he is spooked by her and what she represents, his loss of control.

When Simon tries to suggest she go to Raphael she becomes upset and agitated, I loved her delivery of the line ‘Your blood runs through my veins, you don’t get to just turn your back on me like I’m some stranger’, you can tell how much rejection from him would affect her. She has already experienced abandonment from her biological family and cannot face rejection from her sire, especially when she has pegged so much (her happiness) on him and their perceived relationship.

I absolutely loved the lighting for the Malec scene, it was so beautiful and gold (hinting at a future wedding? Those gold sheets weren’t an accident remember).  Magnus is pleasantly surprised with the delicious French toast Alec has made, he visibly hesitated one the first mouthful and no wonder after the stew disaster of 3x03; at least Alec can cook breakfast right? It is the most important meal of the day after all.

I’m glad I wasn’t drinking anything when Alec said ‘Maybe you should save the spatula I used for your little box’ because I would have spat it all over the floor; I giggled madly at the return of salty Alec. As much as his insecurities hurt I cannot help but laugh when he is being salty and petty, it reminds me of Season 1 Alec; it’s like his default setting whenever he’s hurt or annoyed and needing just spark a conversation.

Magnus welcomes conversation about his mementos because he doesn’t want Alec to bottle it up and suffer in silence; he would rather they talked it through than it become a rift that drives them apart. Alec says it’s his issue because it’s him who need to come to terms with the contents of the box and what it means for their future; he feels that it is something he has to deal with on his own because it is his insecurities that are making it hard for him to deal with it. He believes that as he ages he will become a burden to Magnus, that as he grows old their feelings for each other (more so Magnus’ feelings for him) may change and that he will become an obligation and a burden.

‘There is no universe where you would ever be a burden’ and I am crying; Magnus knows that his love for Alec will not change not matter how much Alec’s appearance may change, he loves Alec for who he is as a person, not for his looks or physical capability. Plus, Magnus has probably been with someone and watched them age before so he can be certain that his feelings won’t change as Alec does. Alec is not so sure, his lack of self worth is making him fear that as he ages Magnus will no longer love him; all he can see is himself, aged and feeble, next to Magnus who is still young and beautiful. He cannot visage Magnus staying with him at that point, he fears that Magnus will no longer desire him and leave him; or will stay with him out of obligation.

Magnus then suggests that Alec might be having a hard time processing because it is his first relationship; he makes the point that every relationship is complicated and he may be less daunted if he had, had at least one other relationship. He thinks that Alec may be less daunted by their relationship issues if he had been in a relationship before them. If he had experienced the difficulties and complexities that come with every relationship he may have been able to deal with their issues better. Magnus himself has a lot of relationship experience, so whenever they have an issue he can come at it from a place of knowledge and deal with it relatively calmly; whereas Alec’s just trusts his gut and ‘wings’ it. So you can understand where Magnus is coming from but I don’t necessarily agree with him because the immortality is such a big issue that even if you had been in a previous relationship it is still going to be a huge thing to process and deal with.

Alec, understandably, reacts badly; with sarcasm and anger. To him it sounds condescending and that Magnus is suggesting he should go have other relationships so that he can deal with their issues better. Alec is not overly daunted by their standard relationship issues because he knows that relationships take effort and people have issues; it is their future, the immortality that he is struggling with. He has so many fears about what their future will look like that it is hard for him to process that, realise that worrying about it will not stop it and they should enjoy every moment they have. He also believes that no amount of previous relationship experience would have made him better equip to deal with it. I just hope that it doesn’t take another life or death situation for him to realise that nothing is certain and to live in the moment instead of brooding on possible futures.

Alec finally bursts with ‘I’m not a child Magnus’, to him Magnus’ remarks sounded condensing, implying that his lack of experience was why he was reacting they way he is; implying that he is overreacting. Magnus snaps back ‘Then stop acting like one’ and that physically hurts because his immediate regret is enough to tell you that he didn’t mean it at all; he was just frustrated with the direction the argument was taking and that he couldn’t get his point across properly. They both failed to get their points across and only succeeded in upsetting each other. It is important that they talk about this issue but they both need to approach it a little more calmly and openly, Alec needs to lay out exactly why he is having an issue with it and Magnus needs to listen and reassure him.

Alec walked away because he was hurt by Magnus’ remark; it is the first time that Magnus has really said something that played into Alec’s insecurities about his lack of experience even if it was unintentional. Alec needed space and in the moment it was probably the best thing to do to stop it from escalating any further; they both need time to cool down and then come back to the issue later. Plus, even thought Magnus seems to want to apologise there was really no good way to talk themselves back out of that situation and the hole they had dug in the moment.

I really like that Alec confided in Izzy and is asking for advice; it shows how much he has progressed since Season 1 when he was very reluctant to open up about his feelings. He knows that talking about it will help him sort out his own thoughts but also getting an outside opinion may help him re-evaluate the situation.

However, Izzy is unable to offer any advice because she admits that part of her attraction to Downworlders was that those issues stopped it getting too serious. I really like that she has really thought about her previous relationships and putting a lot of thought into what she really wants. She does tell him that his relationship with Magnus is real and that if anyone can make it work they can; she has watched their relationship grow from the very beginning and knows the connection they have. She can see the love they share and knows that they will fight for each other, in the end their feelings will conquer their issues.

Their conversation is interrupted by a Shadowhunter trying to deny Maryse entrance to the Institute with Underhill fight her corner. It is confirmation that Maryse has been deruned and is no longer part of the Shadowhunter community; she tries to reassure Alec and Izzy that she is adjusting to her new life but it is obvious that she is struggling.

Clary tells Luke that she cannot find any information on the demon that attacked her in the archives and that she wants to tell people about it in an effort to get answers; she knows that this demon is a huge danger to them, it killed Ithuriel and anything that powerful needs to be dealt with quickly. Luke stops her; he doesn’t want her to get in trouble for using the wish knowing that the Clave will react badly once they find out the truth. We find out that Clary is under the impression that Jace is in the Silent City getting treatment.

We find out that he definitely is not in the next scene; Lilith tells him to bring her the last disciple (she already has 32). She then address him in a way that implies that Jace’s true consciousness is aware of what is happening but doesn’t have autonomy and is being forced to watch what’s happening, not being able to do anything to stop it. If that is the case you cannot help but feel a lot of sympathy for Jace, he is a prisoner in his own body; watching himself posses mundanes and do the bidding of a demon. He is going to be in a bad way once he is free of her control.

We also get confirmation that Lilith is going all out; she tells him that he will return to his friends dead and his world on fire at Jonathan’s hands. She is not pulling any punches and is going to destroy Jace’s world in revenge, making him live through her pain multiple times over. Anna is amazing, her delivery is so awesome, it gives you chills.

Lilith then kisses Jace and the red magic that transfers when Jace possesses mundanes passes between them. So it is safe to assume to that she imbues him with her magic, her power, which he then passes to the mundanes which is why she can feel it when they die (as seen with Tim). It was cool to realise who all that was happening but in my opinion the kiss was more full on and drawn out more than it needed to be; I was literally asking it to stop. Just those first few seconds, the magic transference and lips connecting a bit would have been enough; we didn’t need it to go on like it did, even if it was a wide shot.

Poor Simon only seeing the best in people think that Raphael turned Heidi to give her a life back because one of his clan killed her; poor innocent, wonderful Simon. Maia makes him realise that when he turned he had people there to help him through and Heidi doesn’t, she is alone and is obviously not coping very well. She tells him that it’s hard when the person who made you abandons you; she knows from personal experience just how hard it is to cope with your new life when you are left to figure it out and fend for yourself.

Simon, realising Heidi’s side of the situation, tells her she’s right; he knows that he was lucky to have people who loved him to help him and acknowledging that not everyone has that. He realises that he cannot turn his back on Heidi, he doesn’t want her to suffer because of him and wants to help her adjust to her new life.

Maryse tells Izzy that Max is doing better in LA, it’s good to know that he is recovering from Jonathan’s attack but I assume that we are not going to see him for a while; I just hope that when we do see him he has followed in his mother’s footsteps and apologises to Magnus for his behaviour at the party in 2x08; yes I know he’s a child but he needs to acknowledge that his behaviour towards his brother’s partner was not acceptable (I’m still bitter ok).

Izzy prompt Maryse to talk truthfully about how she is dealing with her new life, ‘Mama, we said no more secrets, you don’t have to hide how you feel’. I absolutely melt when Izzy calls her Mama, and I’m not even sure why, it’s just so soft. Izzy wants to maintain this new honesty between them, to continue this new, healthier and more loving relationship between them. She can tell that Maryse is hurting and doesn’t want her to suffer in silence.

Maryse reveals that she feels lost, her whole life she has been a Shadowhunter, dedicated her life to the Clave; now it has all been ripped away from her. Her purpose, her career is all gone; it’s like she has lost her anchor, she doesn’t know who she is anymore. She isn’t a Shadowhunter, all her runes are gone, and she has no idea how to lead a mundane life; she is drifting between two worlds and not knowing where she fits into it.

Izzy is visibly upset, that could have been her fate in Season 1 if not for Magnus being her lawyer, and Clary bringing the Mortal Cup back; she hates to see her mother this way. Maryse has always been strong and sure, but now she is vulnerable and trying to redefine who she is. Izzy reassures her that she is still strong, brave and beautiful; and that she isn’t alone, she has four kids who love her.

Maryse asks to meet Charlie, she saw how brightly Izzy smiled when he text her; she told Izzy to fight for love and wants to see her happy. She knows that anyone who can make Izzy smile like that is special and she wants to be supportive from the beginning.

Ollie and Luke discuss trying to locate one of the Owl targets in order to lead them to the Owl and its master. Ollie seems to be having issues with Sam; Luke tells her to make sure Sam knows that she is the most important thing in her life. This pulls at my heartstrings because he is looking at a picture of himself, Clary and Jocelyn; he knows that he didn’t make Jocelyn feel as important in his life as she was and regrets the time they lost because of his dedication to his job. Which may also be why in the past few episodes we have seen him really make the point to Clary how important she is; he doesn’t want to lose her too and needs to make sure she knows how important she is to him.

Jace is interrupted from his search for a virtuous mundane by Alec who is ‘out taking a walk’; it is clear that the argument with Magnus is really weighing on his mind and he is really trying to process everything. Jace tells him that he has already completed his treatment and is clear for duty; when he tries to ask Alec about his walk he says ‘forget about me, I’m glad you’re feeling better’. I know that we cannot blame Jace for not pushing because he is not in his right mind; but it is really distressing and annoying that Alec always puts himself and his feelings on the back-burner with Jace. He always brushes off his problems, Jace is his parabatai and he should feel able to confide in him it upsets me that he doesn’t feel he is able to do that.

Back at the Institute we get solid confirmation that the elixir has worked because Jace brushes Clary off completely; I have to give Dom props for his acting with Kat, there really was no affection in his gaze or body language, a complete change from previous episodes, a very good performance.

Simon arrives at an old abandoned factory believing that he is meeting Raphael, instead he gets Heidi who is playing his music again and has a romantic table set up. She tells him what Raphael did to her, and again it becomes clear that she has pinned everything on him; during her torture it was the thought of him that kept her going. She tells him that his hesitancy to hurt her at the bleeder den was the first time anyone had shown any type of care towards her; it makes you sympathise with her. For someone who has never had anyone to care for her it is understandable that she would latch onto the first person who showed her any.

He tells her that he is there for her, he hates the part he played in her situation and doesn’t want to make it worse by abandoning her, especially after what Raphael did to her; she really does only have him at this point. He pulls away when she tries to kiss him telling her he has a girlfriend; he wants to be there for her but needs her to understand that it’s not in a romantic way. Everyone gets nervous when she asks what his girlfriend’s name is, you can tell she does not have good intentions in mind; Simon quickly leaves.

Magnus, not recognising the demon that attacked Clary, taps into the energy signature it left behind and realises that it is the same one that corrupted the ley line; they are chasing the same demon. His quickly sends a fire message to a contact that may be able to help them. Clary hesitates when she mentions Jace and I melt when Magnus calls her Biscuit, I adore their friendship. She tells him about Jace’s strange behaviour, she is scared that his treatment may have affected him in other ways; after everything they have been through together she doesn’t want to lose him and this afternoon has shown her what that would look like.

Magnus tells her that sometimes people just need space and time, he knows from his own troubles with Alec that sometimes people need time to themselves before they can open up to others. He receives a message; Brother Zachariah is willing to meet them that night.

Simon is panicking as a result of his visit with Heidi and has informed Kyle of the situation who wants them to go into hiding. Maia refuses, she has work and is not going to run and hide; she is not going to let Heidi interrupt their lives. Simon is clear scared  by Heidi’s demeanour (who can blame him) and he could smell fresh blood while he was there (which would have been the person she had swinging from the ceiling); he knows that Heidi likes being a vampire, is not afraid to kill and doesn’t want to underestimate her, especially if it puts Maia in danger.

Maia tells him that if Heidi comes for her she’ll be sorry; Maia is capable of defending herself and wants to reassure Simon that he doesn’t need to be scared. She is touched by his concern but is not willing to hide or disrupt her life because of a vampire who can’t take no for an answer.

At the Hunter’s Moon Maryse is worried about embarrassing her children because other Shadowhunters are gossiping about her and she doesn’t want it to affect them; she doesn’t want their reputations to be compromised due to her excommunication. She knows how hard they have worked to gain respect and their positions at the Institute and doesn’t want her situation to jeopardise any of that. She hopes that her new life and what other people think about her doesn’t affect how they see her; she has tried really hard to change herself to become a better person, especially for her children, and doesn’t want that to be compromised by other people.

Alec and Izzy reassure her that no matter she is their mother and they stand by her; they need her to know that they will always be there and love her. They know that she regrets the actions that lead to her excommunication and that she is making changes to herself to better herself and unlearn years of prejudice. They love her and are not going to turn their back on her now; they will be there to support her as she navigates her new life and will continue to provide love and support.

Maryse says that the silver lining is that she will get to spend more time with them; she has always loved her children but it has been overshadowed by her duties and devotion to the Clave. Now that she is free of that she can spend her time as she wishes, she can dedicate more time to her children and be a bigger part of their lives. I love that she asks after Magnus, it shows just how far she has come since Season 1 when she could barely stand the sight of him; now she has accepted him into her family and her life, it’s beautiful to see and I hope we get some more interactions between the two of them.

Alec and Jace are surprised that Izzy’s new boyfriend is a mundane as her past lovers have all been Downworlders and I love Maryse’s proud ‘he’s a doctor’; it is so well delivered, I also love her line ‘Oh, Isabelle, he is handsome’ it makes me giggle and yes Maryse, yes he is. Then I proceed to shout ‘No’ at the screen when Charlie has a glowing golden aura which signifies that he is virtuous and is a viable candidate for Lilith.

Alec receives a text from Magnus saying that he is busy with a client, so he cannot make it; Alec excuses himself to go to the bar and we know exactly where this is heading, he is gonna get drunk. We have been longing for drunk Alec since Todd first hinted it but unfortunately it is not the happy, flirty Alec we were hoping for; it’s a bitter, sad Alec (we won but at what cost?!). I also wonder if he may feel a little guilty for getting drunk because he assumed Magnus was blowing him off when he learns that Magnus was actually chasing an important lead with Clary. Yes, you could make the point that why didn’t Magnus just tell him he was with Clary; but Clary probably told Magnus that she hadn’t told anyone else about his demon and is putting her trust in him which he would not want to betray. Plus there would have been nothing that Alec could have done to help them, Magnus did not want to pull him away from time with his family or make him fret about a situation he could do nothing to help with.

I love that Underhill refers to Magnus as Alec’s better half; we found out that Underhill and Magnus will meet at some point, and I am curious how it is going to play out. Will he be respectful and kind as he has been with Alec, or will he be a bit of a Magnus fan (think Lydia)? It will be interesting to see them interact. Alec’s face when he says Magnus is ‘Busy’ absolutely kills me; I paused it for one of my screenshots and spent five minutes laughing at his expression.

I love the little wave shared between Izzy and Simon, it is adorable and I really like their friendship; Maia tells him to go see his friends. Simon, however, is unwilling to leave Maia’s side in fear of Heidi showing up; he doesn’t want to let his guard down until he knows for sure that Maia is going to be safe. I love Maia so much, she doesn’t need his protection but she acknowledges how much Heidi has spooked him and isn’t going to upset him by pressuring him to leave her side. I love her line ‘You should try blinking, you’re starting to freak people out’; it helps lighten their mood and help Simon relax a little. I love their relationship so much.

Luke appears at the Lightwood table to talk to Maryse, reassuring her that he isn’t here to rub her excommunication in her face; he would never make anyone feel belittled or humiliated, especially when he knows just how difficult their situation is, he isn’t spiteful. He tells her that he understands what she is going through and how difficult it is to adjust, he had to go through the same adjustment after he turned; he knows how lost she is feeling and how daunting it is to have to find a new life and reinvent yourself. He promises her that her is there for her if she needs help adjusting to her new life; he had to figure out his new life with a very limited support system (pretty much just Jocelyn I think) and doesn’t want her to go through that too.

Maryse knows that she acted shamefully towards Luke in the past and clearly regrets it, she is trying to make amends for her past behaviour but it pleasantly surprised with his open gesture of support. She says that this is an opportunity for a new beginning, a chance to be a better person; she wants to change and acknowledges her past faults, now that she is away from the Clave and the toxic affect it had on her life she can start fresh.

They reminisce about the Accords Ball in Idris 20 years ago, Luke says that she looks just as lovely now as she did back then; Maryse is clearly surprised by the compliment and Luke seems a little bashful too. I adore this scene and their flirty behaviour towards the end; I love their chemistry, cannot wait for more scenes between them and I definitely ship them, they both deserve more love in their lives (even if it does start out more platonic then develops into romantic). Some people may say that it is too soon after Jocelyn who only died about 6 weeks ago, which may be true but storyline wise so much has happened since then that it seems so much longer. Plus, they are probably not going to jump straight into a romantic relationship, Luke is still mourning and Maryse is recently divorced, but it will be lovely to see them get to know each other all over again and watch their connection develop over time. Think slow burn, like Sizzy.

Clary asks Magnus is he’s ok, she can tell that he is not his usual self and something is bothering him; she knows that she has been focused on her own problems but makes sure he knows that she is there for him too. I know that Jace is under Lilith’s influence right now but for future reference, Jace take notes from your girlfriend on how to be there for your friends, not just focussing on your own problems all the time (yes, I’m still bitter that Alec never confides in him and Jace doesn’t open a conversation for Alec).

Magnus tells her that he and Alec had a bad fight, said things they didn’t mean; he knows that their argument got out of hand and they both became agitated too quickly. Clary says ‘I’m sorry, but there is nothing you two can’t work through’; I love this parallel to the scene between Alec and Izzy. Clary, like Izzy, has seen their relationship develop and seen how strong they have become; she knows that they love each other so much and they will work through their issues together as they always do.

SPOILERS FOR NON-BOOK READERS

We meet Brother Zachariah; he is an important character to the book fans before he was a brother he was known as Jem Carstairs, Will Herondale’s Parabatai, it will be interesting to see how they incorporate him and his story into the plot in future now they have introduced him. Also, I wonder if he may come up in a conversation between Alec and Magnus because Magnus’ friend Tessa is a warlock who fell in love with both Jem and Will, then later married Will; they stayed together for 60 years until he died. So it could come up between them because Magnus knows someone who loved, married and outlived a Shadowhunter.

END OF SPOILERS

It will be interesting to learn why Zachariah does not look like the other Brothers and I hope that we do find out at some point. He gives them some texts that may contain information on the demon they are looking for, but he says that the Botherhood cannot know he helped them; which proves that he must consider Magnus a good friend for him to go against the Brothers in order to help him, I would love some more back story at some point besides just that they both were close with Will Herondale. Also, once Jace is himself again this may be an opportunity for back story; for Magnus to tell Jace about his ancestor. Zachariah also tells them that Jace did not arrive at the Silent City for treatment.

I love the scene between Izzy and Simon; she knows that she con confide in him and also offers to listen to his problems, they have a wonderful friendship. She tells him that she wants to do more to help her mom, she knows that Maryse is struggling with adjusting to her new reality and doesn’t feel like she is doing enough to help. Simon opens up about his mom, that when she was having issues just being there was enough; letting her know that he was there to support, help and love her. That Maryse knowing Izzy is there for her is enough; she kisses his cheek, she appreciates his honest advice and knows that she can depend on him.

Alec, now completely drunk, declines the offer of playing pool with Underhill; playing pool has become his and Magnus’ thing. We get confirmation that Magnus is at least 800 years old, not the estimated 300 that Hodge told them in Season 1. Drunk Alec, even sad drunk Alec, is adorable and I have to give Matt props for his acting; it was very authentic and he didn’t over play it.

Heidi, believing her to be Simon’s girlfriend, attacks Izzy which is definitely a bad move because Izzy is a very capable badass. Simon interrupts before the fight can get too nasty telling Izzy that Heidi isn’t in her right mind because of what Raphael did to her; you can completely understand Simon defending her. He knows that she has been through a lot and has become unhealthy fixated on him as a result; he doesn’t want to see her unduly punished when there is a chance for him to help her.

He persuades Izzy to let him deal with her; the Clave would kill Heidi for attacking the mundane which would not be fair to her, all fledglings have trouble controlling their urges and it must be worse for Heidi who had no moral guidance.

Underhill has taken Alec outside to find a cab to take him back to the Institute, Alec opens up a little; telling Underhill that he and Magnus had their first date at the Hunter’s Moon. That they never got around to answering the question if they were too different to be together; Alec has all these doubts in his head and I am glad that he is talking to someone about it. With Underhill he isn’t under the pressure to be perfect that he feels with his family (no matter how false it is), he feels that he can unload a little especially in his inebriated state.

Underhill tells Alec that Magnus may not understand their ways ‘Nephilim love once. Fiercely’; he may have a point, Magnus knows Shadowhunters but never romantically before so he may not understand that for many Shadowhunters they only have one great love. If he did he may not have worded his comments about experience in quite the way he did; he has loved many times so may not understand the belief of only having one love in your life. He tells Alec that whatever he feels is ok and not to be too hard on himself; I like this because it is reassuring Alec that his feelings are valid and he shouldn’t pressure himself to feel a certain way.

Another thing that makes me believe that nothing will happen between Alec and Underhill (besides the fact that Alec would never betray anyone, let alone Magnus, that way) is that Underhill seems to be very respectful of their relationship. In their first conversation he complimented their relationship which sounds like he admired what they had and probably hopes to reach that with someone one day, he referred to Magnus as Alec’s better half and from what he just said he believes that Magnus is the one person that Alec will love in his life. He seems very respectful of Alec and his relationship with Magnus so I don’t believe he would ever disrespect them, or their relationship, by making a move on Alec.

I really hope we continue to see them develop a good friendship, and in some of Todd and the writer’s tweets about them include #friendsforever. So not only does that suggest, if not confirm, that nothing of a romantic nature is going to happen between them but also that they are going to develop a friendship; which would be great for both of them.

Ollie shows up Hunter’s Moon to talk Luke about a lead she found on the Owl’s targets; Luke tells her they will investigate in the morning and to go home to her lady. Ollie smiles and tells him to go back to his, meaning Maryse; I adore Ollie so much. Again we are yelling at Jace because Ollie also has golden aura.

Heidi is under the impression that Simon has chosen her and wants to start a clan of their own; you feel sympathy for her because all she seems to wants is someone to love her, a real family. Simon has organised Praetor’s to come collect her to be rehabilitated; although she may resent him at first and he may feel bad he has done the right thing. He was never going to be able to help her efficiently because of her obsession; she needs to be somewhere safe and where she can be taught how to be a responsible vampire.

Magnus and Clary portal behind the Hunter’s Moon; Clary is angry at Jace for lying to her, after everything they have been though and the secrets she has kept for him she believed that they were at least honest with each other. She feels betrayed that he has deceived her. When she says you don’t lie to someone you love I can understand where she is coming from, in a romantic relationship honesty is very important; but also it is a bit hypocritical, she loves Alec and Izzy as family and yet she has been lying to them. But at least the truth seems to come out next week, finally.

Magnus puts all the pieces together; telling Clary about the woman who requested the elixir, how he couldn’t put his finger on what was off about her. He figures out that she must be the same demon who attacked her but masking her power and disguised in human form. I knew that Magnus was smart enough to figure out that there was something wrong with her and I am glad he has put the pieces together quickly. I am also dreading the guilt he is bound to feel; despite the fact that she manipulated him and he had no way of knowing who she was, or what her real intentions were, he is going to blame himself for giving her the means to pull Jace further into her influence.

The Owl already has Ollie and is transferring power when Clary finds him; Magnus prevents him from attacking Clary but gets blown back himself, caught off guard by the magic he is wielding. Luckily Luke comes to the rescue by shooting him and it is revealed to them that it is Jace behind the mask; he flees and a possessed Ollie escapes. The last few minutes were a great whirlwind and I am so excited for next week.

Again, I really liked this episode; Season 3 has not disappointed at all, every episode is fantastic. I love the Magnus and Biscuit team up; I hope we see some more interaction between Luke and Maryse and I need Ollie to be ok.

I am not ready for seeing Magnus punish himself in guilt next week but on the upside we get the Malec hug inside the Institute.

Also, we are getting a double finale! Episodes 9 and 10 are airing on Tuesday May 15th (Wednesday May 16th on Netflix). I am not prepared!  

[sophiasbox-blog1]

Sophia James Listening to it through, slow and even breaths at her lips as she would do her best to remind herself everything he wrote couldn't be like that first sampling he had given her. As it came to completion, she removed her earphones, thankful this hadn't played while she was giving him his privacy with the bump. A twist of her own emotions welling within though she couldn't be sure if they were real or if it was just the pregnancy fucking with her again. Needing to comment on it, yet she didn't hold the musical knowledge to say something about the actual track without her feelings involved. Instead, she drew into him, feeling as if no one else could possibly know him like she did, yet it could be argued in reverse that she was the only one who didn't know him like that. "You ever wish you had a bad bitch?" She asked honestly, her own insecurity welling up and being seen before his eyes as she knew she wasn't anything like what anyone might expect him to be with.

J Edward Khrist Not even sure what she was listening to, keeping his head to her stomach. Closed eyed and contented to stay there all night before he heard her speak. Eyes opening and brows furrowing in confusion. "I don't." He answered simply, reaching out for her hand where he was finding the phone and seeing the song. Quickly switching out of it into his band projects which would definitely be better listening for her.

Sophia James As he found the phone and switched into something he thought would suit her better, she didn’t want to be suited better. She didn’t want a separate place where she could exist, but not the mainstream space that the rest of the world existed within. With the headphones already off, she knew that was for another time for her to listen to, but it didn’t stop her from wondering a few things along the way. “I know you can’t make it about us all of the time,” she confessed softly, the welling of emotions evident in her every word. “Just don’t mind me,” she added a moment later, fully acknowledging just how ridiculous she was being and not wanting to do it at all. Bringing her hand back to the back of his neck, she’d encourage him to her stomach once again, nearly apologetic for interrupting it in the first place.

J Edward Khrist "No." he'd insist at her willing back to his stomach as his hand found her hand to the back of his neck as he wanted to work this one out. Sighing as he wasn't even sure how to approach this one. Reaching up where he'd watch her and attempting to gauge how to explain this. "That chorus…for the record...isn't me." he'd state.

Sophia James "I know that isn't you," she assured, realizing he'd only been at the beginning of the track, yet it all seemed to work together as one piece of work which was where her head was hung up just the same. Feeling his hand to her own, she drew another breath. "It's okay," she assured, not wanting him to justify his work to her regardless so long as she knew that what was portrayed there wasn't what he actually wanted as it would have her set up for nothing but failure.

J Edward Khrist Hearing her, at a loss on how to handle this as he had never had to have this conversation before. It was the one down side to her not knowing what his public perception was as he got comfortable at her side. "So...you know how actors like...take up characters?"

Sophia James As he spoke, it was clear that he wasn't going to just let it go, having a need to explain things to her that she would ultimately appreciate more than she could ever explain to him. He didn't have to do it, and yet there he was at her side, doing just that. Her eyes met his, willing to listen to whatever it was that he would explain, even if the subject was a difficult one at best. "Yeah," she whispered, seeming to understand where this was going instantly as he explained a world that revolved around a man that was so different from the one she now laid beside.

J Edward Khrist "It's like that...characters." he'd confess, pressing his chin into his pillow as he glanced over towards her. "and I know it's dumb and stereotypical but that's the role I've always played. In my career, in my life. I'm the pretty boy who can get the girl and I'm not good for much else."

Sophia James Hearing him explain to her how this all worked, she drew an even breath. She was lost somewhere between acceptance and encouragement, not entirely sure which route to take here, though she was leaning heavily towards the latter. She'd first heard his works that were not full of such a role, the work that felt true and honest, but after hearing something that would be mainstream in no time at all, she'd come to realize that what he'd given her in Saint Bart's had been his soul, something that wasn't necessarily an accurate portrayal of his career that she still would not seek out. Turning to her own side, she'd bring her hand to the curve of his upper arm, guiding his hand against her side as she drew into his chest. "You are good for a lot more than just getting the girl," she'd remind him as it didn't stop there at all. It began there. It began with the boy and the girl and now there was to be someone else, a little girl who would adoringly look to her father and he'd find that he was good for so much more than he ever thought before. With an insight she'd never be able to explain, she saw the potential in the man from the first week she was with him, knowing soon after that should she ever be able to, that this would be the man she would choose to have a family with. "Before long you'll find you're good for kissing boo boos and coloring and memorizing all of the Disney Princesses. You'll find that you have skills upon skills that you never even knew existed. She'll look to you like you have the entire world in the palm of your hand and it'll be your job to show her all of the best parts of it."

J Edward Khrist That was his soul but it was one that he wasn't comfortable to baring. He wasn't in that for commercial success but his other career paid the bills. It gave them this house and the opportunities and sometimes he had to redeem the selling of his soul in another way. Hearing her speak initially, he could have rolled his eyes as she had to say that. Naturally. No one wanted to be the one married to a pretty face without much underneath of it. As she continued on about what his future would entail, things he only hoped he was decent as considering he never knew those things himself. "Yeah, we'll see."

Sophia James In all honesty, she could be the pretty face with nothing behind it as it was clear that he had far more going for him coming into this relationship than she had as her own name had been run through the mud and charges pinned on her that would ultimately be dropped, but not before ruining the reputation she had held first, making her unemployable in the career she'd spent years in college to find, only to have student loans and a degree that were all now unusable. She could argue with him, but instead, she wouldn't slander herself. She would build him up as their time was drawing short in the pregnancy and soon there would be a tiny cry to fill the silences that both of them would have to hold some confidence about. Neither of them held stories of childhood that would look anything like this child's would, and yet she knew that they would be able to get it right, to do better by her, to know what was important and what was not. "Pillow forts and sandwiches with no crust. A love for music. Legos and barbie dolls. Playing pretend and following her lead," she'd continue on, describing to him what she thought it would all look like and all the areas that she believed he would be proficient within. "You aren't the pretty boy that's gonna get the girl and then be good for nothing else. We are just beginning," she promised him as she guided his hand against her stomach. "Eden says so."

J Edward Khrist Listening to her, it was all a lot to take in. how was he to be an effective father when this was the industry he was in? Lost in his own thoughts as the man ground his molars in thought. A bad habit but one he didn't even notice most of the time. "Yeah..." he'd sigh low, as it all became more and more real each day.

Sophia James Feeling a distance there between them as she heard his sigh, she wasn't sure if she had gone too far. The last thing she wanted to do was scare him, but they both had every right to be. For months they had not been staring this proof in the face, but it was clear that their time in this stage of what was to be preparation was coming to a close and the two would be looking into the face of a tiny little girl soon enough who would expect her parents to have all of the answers to everything, instantly trusting them to do what was right by her. While Soph had no doubt in her mind that they would do just that to the best of their ability, his distance in the last few moments was all too visible. "Judas?" she whispered, nudging her nose to his if only to gain the connection of his eyes. "Tell me what you're thinking?" she requested, needing to be let in on such things as it was obvious that it had been this talk of the baby and what life would look like that had prompted it, even if it had been her intention to build him up, not tear him down.

J Edward Khrist As he heard her whisper, he wouldn't connect with it until the physical contact drew him out as he met her eyes. Her request drawing a moment of thought in attempt to work it out exactly. "I'm thinking..." he began, another pause. "That it's going to be hard doing what I do, talking the way I do, dealing with the artists that I do that and providing like that when I have a daughter." he confessed.

Sophia James If what she had just heard through the earbuds that now laid at the side of the bed was an adequate representation of his music, she could completely understand why he would feel this way. It made perfect sense and yet she didn't know what to say. She didn't know the answers, but she had full faith that they would find them all together. She brought her hand to the side of his face, abandoning his there against her stomach, letting the pads of her fingers softly caress his scruff. "I think that you are exactly who she needs you to be," she began, her words encouraging as ever, meaning them entirely. "I think that some men surely do it every day and perhaps they don't struggle, but the fact that you are struggling with that idea right now tells me even more that you are exactly who I thought you were from the beginning and I love you even more for it." Pressing a soft kiss to his lips, she'd draw back a moment later, unable to hold that kiss from him as it had been his own confession that would draw her in to that level, feeling the sincerity seep through his pores as he got honest with himself and with her. "Whatever you do, I'm going to support you, and Eden will love you just the same," she assured as though she had insider secrets. "Perhaps there's a way to change the narrative? Something that can show the evolution of that man, the character you've played, into the man he will become?" she suggested out of place, yet unable to hide her own thoughts on the matter on just how he could remain who he was, but to do so in a way that he felt might be more fitting of his impending title change.

J Edward Khrist Truth be told, he was so carried away in his own thoughts that his A.D.D. would make itself evident as he couldn't much concentrate on her words before his mind was off skipping away once more. He wasn't doing it for her love or her affection but he seemed truly plagued by such an epiphany. Feeling her to his lips as she continued. "I don't know." he stated simply, as that was risky business. Fucking with cashflow and their entirely livelihood. There had to be something. it was clearly not something that would be a short conversation or even a conversation. It would be his own and not formed there between them in that moment and he was alright with that.

Sophia James Doing all that she could to ease his mind, she was met with three simple words. There was not a conversation although she was doing her very best to provide that to him, realizing a moment too late that it wasn't what he needed in that moment. It would be another full minute before she'd realize she didn't know what he needed at all and there was a good chance that she was only making matters worse by attempting to step into a part of his life that it was clear she didn't belong. She drew a breath, though this one wasn't so even as the last, holding her own discomfort within it as she allowed her eyes to close.

J Edward Khrist Not noting a shift in her as the man was doing nothing wrong but simply resolving that he did not know the solution yet but he would find one. He'd slip up from the bed where he walked towards the other wall where a large dresser sat. Just one of many collections of music the and man owned yet this one he found most personal reflective of the fact that it was in his bedroom as he slid open a top piece of glass revealing a record player set within the system. A moment later lowering to his knees where he dragged open a wooden door to reveal a collection of vinyls in alphabetic order. Seeking out the Rubber Soul item, he'd find it a moment later as he was sliding it carefully from the original sleeve and placing the record down. Guiding the arm of the needle a few rings in as the sound of "In My Life" crackled gently through the room. Slightly turning up the volume as he watched the spinning of the record.

Sophia James As he slipped from her entirely, she couldn't stop the sigh that would leave her as she'd tried so hard to help him, to talk with him, to imagine with him, to show him what life might look like, only to feel it all shut down and him disappear from her. She felt defeated in the moment, but she'd allow for no change in her overall demeanor as she laid with her eyes remaining closed there against the bed as Judas worked at something across the room. She'd lost him for the moment at least. A moment later, she'd hear the hum of the record player before the music filled the space, noting that he'd turned it up a moment later, drawing her attention as she sat up slowly in the bed. She couldn't quite follow how he'd moved from point a to point b, but she wouldn't draw back either way. A slow smile found its way across her features as a song such as this seemed to require. Watching him as he stood there at the record player, seemingly entranced by the spinning of the record, she stared at the back of the man that held her entire heart within his own chest.

J Edward Khrist He wasn't meant to be understood as she could either watch as witness or push him out of this place all together. Someone who was not like him in such a way would understand. He'd look strange, half mad as he was processing. Yet, she had no reason to take any of it personally as it was merely Judas and if she should enjoy the present then she'd have to enjoy the process. This was what being married to him looked like. Watching the record spinning.

Sophia James Simply watching from her now seated position on the bed, a smile was there on her face as it had grown with each passing lyric of the song. He had tapped into something else entirely and though she felt the weight of her previous attempt at conversation still weighing against her, it couldn't stand the test of time as the man was a wonder to watch up close. Where once she would have drawn her knees to her chest, she could no longer do so, yet she would sit and watch him just the same. Wanting nothing more than to reach for him, yet she would refrain as she set to giving him that space to do as he wished without pulling him back into the bed that she seemed to rarely let him leave anymore. As the song finished, it had been three minutes of her own silence and of his, yet even then she would not rise from the bed, but only then would she speak his name once more. "Judas," she offered as the last beat was heard, needing his eyes to hers. "I love you," she offered honestly as there was nothing more that needed to be said in that moment as it was the truest thing she had and though it may have seemed completely random, it was never too far from her lips.

-May 1, 2017

[scottyunfamous]

#WearItChallenge

I don't wear chokers because I have a double chin and a short neck.

I don't wear sleeveless tops or dresses without something to cover my arms because I have ‘Bye-bye’ arms (they wave bye-bye when I do) and stretchmarks from my shoulders down.

I don't wear crop tops because I have big tummy that also has stretchmarks.

I don't wear short shorts because my inner-thighs are flabby, they rub together and they’re darker than the rest of my legs.

I don't wear deep plunge tops because my boobs sag.

I don't wear backless anything because I have back rolls…and more stretchmarks.

I don't wear anything that clings too much because I don't want to highlight my flab.

Th is was my original list of fashion no-gos; the things that I wouldn’t wear because they wouldn’t look good on a body like mine. This shitty ass list is nothing new; we all have one. Your personal list may have similar things on it and some different ones too.

When I read this list back, I dunno about you, but I couldn't get past how fucking depressing it sounded. All of these bullshit restrictions that I’d put on myself over the years because I was afraid to celebrate myself in my entirety due to socially acceptable mainstream beauty standards portrayed in the media, or via the opinions of others –a mass of portrayals and opinions that didn't include me. I used to be so scared of being judged for not dressing for my size/body type because when you're a big girl, fashion brands tend to push that a big girl dressing for her size includes a lot of shapeless tunics, mumu looking ass dresses, any plunging necklines are shortened to stop before your cleavage even starts, and some sort of cover up created to shroud our bodies even more, because they’re not hidden enough.

Fat people are bullied into the background and taught to make ourselves smaller to make space for people who resemble what we see in magazines and music videos, to make ourselves invisible so as to draw less attention to so that our size won’t offend anyone. It’s fucking stupid; why is ‘dressing for my size’ about making other people feel comfortable with the way I look? 

The body positivity movement has definitely changed a lot for a lot plus size people for the better, from the way we view ourselves, the way we express and celebrate ourselves, and the way that brands are changing the way they cater to us. I'm proud to say that I've gotten over some of my hang ups, but I’ve still got more to tackle. Despite seeing fan-fucking-tabulous bitches like (a few of my faves) Tess Holliday, Essie Golden, Kelly Augustine, Danielle Varnier, Olivia Campbell, Felicity Hayward, and The Queen Curve Collective slay outfits that plus size women aren't always comfortable wearing, some of my personal body hang ups still fuck with me to this day.

If you follow me on Instagram, Snapchat or Twitter, you’ll be aware that I've used my weight loss journey to delve even further into tackling my body insecurities by forcing myself to wear shit that scares me, shit that I would look at and tell myself that a woman of my stature has no business wearing. Over the past few months I've proudly (and anxiously) made a point of flaunting what I deemed my ‘flaws’ across social media and in public.

Certain items take a lot of coaxing for me to be brave enough to rock, but I rock it, and the more I do it, the more liberated I feel. I’m learning to really enjoy owning and celebrating my body. Every time I thought I'd look like a fool, or that some ass crumb would have something negative to say that would make me feel even more self-conscious than I already did...nothing happened. I looked good in those outfits. I felt good in those outfits, and if anyone was opposed to me making peace with my body, they never made it known. Instead I was gifted with praise, encouragement, Instagram likes (the most important, obviously. Yay for external validation!) and messages from my fancy faces and those close to me about how they loved what I was doing and how it inspired them to do the same (this is important).

The response has been amazing and it's so fucking dope to see so many of you daring to step outside of your comfort zone (where the REAL growth happens) and making the effort to fully embrace your bodies.

The #WearItChallenge has made such a difference to my list.

I DO wear chokers

I DO wear sleeveless tops or dresses without something to cover my arms.

I DO wear crop tops.

I DO wear things that cling.

I DO wear backless things.

I DO wear short shorts

I don't wear deep plunge tops because my boobs sag (yet)…this will be tackled.

It's a new mutha fuckin’ day, bitch! We are coming to snatch wigs this summer 2017 (and forevermore) and I am all the way here for it, so to keep the good vibes rolling and the self-love growing I'm giving you an invitation to join my August #WearItChallenge. I challenge you to wear something that makes you feel uncomfortable (the item of clothing or body part you wanna tackle is completely up to you), and go all the way with it, hooker, ‘cause if we're gonna do this we're gonna do it right (and by right I mean eleganza extravaganza all yo shit). Beat your fancy face, do your hair, your nails -whatever glam is for you, glam the fuck out, heaux, and wear that shit with pride.

HOW TO ENTER

It’s simple: upload a photo of yourself wearing something you'd normally be too afraid to wear, to IG or Twitter, tag me (@scottyunfamous) and use the hashtag #WearItChallenge, for a chance to be featured on my official #WearItChallenge page.

(Submissions close August 31st, 23:59 GMT)

In your caption, tell me the item of clothing you're wearing that scares you and why, then lemme know how you felt after you put yourself out there and wore it. Why should you do this? Because you can help to inspire other people to celebrate themselves too, bitch!  We’ve got 5 months left in this Year of Lavish, so bitch, we are going to make the most of the shit! BODY CONFIDENCE FOR EVERYBODY!

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Fancy something a little more daring? Read chapters 1-7 of my sexy, award-winning urban romance, Running Wilde (new chapter posted every Friday)

Until next time, fancy face

Love Scotty x