#me: sorry man havent named the flower shop i forgot

[number-one-hog-hater]

The floors have evolved.

I'm trying to make my dnd character's family flower shop (which he also lives in the apartment above)

I wanna try and make it so the area could be used in battle so I'm trying to make it to scale and the floors will double as a battle map.

I'm shit at not sharing so I'm hoping if I do it here it'll prevent me from telling my friends cause it'd be a nice surprise.

Hshsjskksksk I was only really planning to do the front but doing the inside would be so much FUN. HSHSIS

[enigmasalad]

The Broken Heart of John Laurens

(I was inspired by the song Congratulations by Blue October. If you havent heard the song or see the lyrics you will know why. Anyways enjoy! Also sorry for the spacing. its a habit for some reason.)

“Is that seat taken?”

John looked up and he almost fell over in surprise.

“Alex! Its been forever!” he exclaimed.

Alex just laughed and sat down next to him. It seemed forever since Alex left the college they both attended. Alex was still as handsome for ever and John remembered the few “occurrences” they had. They both were lonely and stupid but John never regretted it. His chest still fluttered from the memories.

“May I ask why you're at some women's' clothing store?” To be honest John forgot the name.

“You first.”

“Im trying to help Hercules get inspiration by taking pictures of clothing or something like that yet he asked a nurse for inspiration.” John said with a laugh.

Alex nodded in understanding and then looked towards the women's' changing room.

“Im waiting on my fiancee. Remember Eliza?” Alex said.

John's eyes widened and his chest felt like someone shot it. However he faked happiness and grinned.

“Oh congratulations! Im sure the best of woman will be the best of wives.” John said laughing slightly.

Alex smiled and then looked at his phone. A sigh left his mouth but he only smiled wider.

“Eliza is sending me to the smoothie shop in the mall. She'll be a while.” Alex said.

He then turned to John and held his hand out.

“Would you like to take a walk with me?”

As the months until the wedding turned into weeks John's chest threatened to collapse on itself. Herc and Laf were excited to learn their old  friend was getting married. They were even happy for John being the best man. Around his friends John would fake happiness and tell jokes when his heart would beg to stop. The four decided to get drunk together before the wedding. Not like a bachelors party but a hang out kind. Soon Alex had his pants on his head while doing an impression of an elephant and he forgot they were there. John thought it was too funny so he didn't let the shorter man know. Everything was going great until Herc said something.

“Y'know I always thought you would marry John yeah?”

Laf and Alex laughed and it seemed like a joke for everyone. Everyone but John. John pretended to laugh awkwardly but his eyes were watering. No one seemed to notice and Alex just patted a hand on John's back.

“We could fuck for old times sake. Heck you could join Eliza and I for our wedding night!” he said with an eyebrow waggle or something trying to be that.

“I-I'd rather not Alex.” John replied.

“But you're sho pretty!”

“Alex..”

John wanted to get out of Herc's apartment and go home. But everyone was laughing and Alex was insisting.

“You're still as pretty as we met Jack..” Alex said in a more lower voice that sent shivers down John's spine.

Alex slid a hand up John's thigh and that was enough.

“Alex I said no!” John said as he stood up suddenly.

“Geez are you cranky or ssshhomething?” Alex asked clearly trying to be funny.

“No. Im done ok? You left me on your own accord . You got engaged to Eliza. You dont get to do that anymore!” John said.

John could feel his tears sliding down.

“You left me.”

Laf then stood up and walked John into Herc's bedroom and held him as John sobbed and shouted into the Frenchman's chest. Laf was always a great friend and knew how to comfort others the right way.

“Shh....”

Eventually John fell asleep and when he woke up he was in the guest bedroom. His head hurt too much. Soon the memories of the previous night flooded back and John managed to hold back the tears. He got out of bed, got dressed and walked into the living room. Laf and Alex were sitting on the couch watching some sort of boring show.

“Good morning mon ami. There are omelettes on the counter over there.” Laf greeted with a smile.

John could see the slight sadness in Laf's eyes but he ignored it. He got his food and sat on the floor. The food was good but he hurt to much to appreciate it.

“We should do this again. I assume I blacked out because of my lack of memories.” Alex said.

“Im sure Eliza would hate us for getting you drunk like that again. You had your pants on your head.” John said with a cheeky grinn.

Alex said something like Don't patronize me boy. John  finished his food and said left early saying he had a lot of work to do at home. However when he went home he curled up in bed and sobbed until he passed out. He missed three texts and a call from Alex.

John helped Alex tie his green tie. Everyone was in a flurry for the wedding. Herc was helping the ladies with makeup, hair and dresses and Laf was assisting him since he was better at hair. John hated that he was alone with Alex. His chest was tight and the lump in his throat wouldn't leave. He feigned happiness though. He feigned it for Alex.

“Alrighty Mr. Groom! The tie has been tied.” John said slightly dramatically.

It made Alex laugh and John almost lost it there. He knew that laugh wouldn't be his ever again but he had to be strong. Thats when he noticed his hands were still on the other's chest. He quickly removed his hands and put them in his pockets.

“You look great man! You practically are the belle of the ball.” John said half sincere half teasing.

Alex's smile seemed strained and he just stared at John. Thats when he hugged John tightly. The two were very close. John only awkwardly hugged back. Tears threatened to fall.

“Im sorry for leaving you. Im sorry for never having the courage to officially ask you out. I-Just lately i've been thinking what would have happened if we got together.”

John held Alex closer and let a tear fall. Soon a tear became five and five became ten. John however managed to keep his voice from wavering.

“You would just be unhappy. You're marrying a smart, pretty and independent woman Alex. You are so lucky! I'm so happy for you. The both of you.”John said with what was left of his resolve.  

Alex smiled at him but you could tell he was still pained. Just then Herc knocked on the door.

“Alex it's time! You better be ready!”

The two separated and followed their friend to the chapel. The wedding went on without a hitch and Eliza was absolutely stunning. She lit up the whole place and John swore some blue birds dressed her instead of Angelica and Herc. There were tiny blue flowers in her hair and her dress was soft and flowed very nicely. She was the very definition of a bride. It made John happy and envious. The two exchanged rings, kissed and went to the reception hall with everyone else. John lagged behind and decided to just go sit in the parlor where he got Alex ready. Every emotion was pressing to be released but he had to hold on. He didn't want to ruin this for Alex.

“Aren't you going to join us mon ami?”

John looked up to see Laf walk over and sit next to him like the mom friend he was.

“I will in a bit. I just needed to answer a phone call.” he lied.

“John I know a broken heart when I see one.” Laf said seriously but not harshly.

Thats when John started to sniffle. The sniffle turned into a full blown sob. Wails and hiccups filled the room as John let everything out.

“I cant change this! I can never take it back! I can never change his mind and I cant take it! My pain wont cover up Laf!” he sobbed.

Laf just sat listening. John couldn't see through the  tears but he could tell his friend's face was of sorrow and remorse for the the other. John just let everything he built up over the months and years of being alone and heartbroken by the man he adored the most. The two sat there till the smaller man no longer shook with sobs and wails. John felt better and he felt numb but it was fine.

“Laf..I think im just gonna go for a drive. Can you give my speech to Alex? Just say something came up at the hospital and I had to go. Please?” John said as he handed over index cards to Laf.

“I will make sure he gets it. Please be safe John..” Laf said as he gave his friend a tight hug.

When the two separated and Laf made sure John left alright he returned to the reception hall when he was immediately bombarded with Alex.

“Where's John? Did you find him?” Alex asked worriedly.

“When I found him he had just gotten off of a phone call with the hospital. They needed him ASAP so he left. He's sorry and told me to give these to you.” Laf lied.

As Alex read the speech John was driving somewhere else. He eventually found himself in Central Park somehow and he sat down on a bench alone. He remembered this was where he and Alex first kissed. He smiled at the bittersweet memory and looked up at the tree branches above him.

“Make it go away.”

[sylviathewanderer-blog]

Today I took the first step down the road in the long journey that is my life. I have tried, and failed miserably, to live my life as the person I was told that I was born to be for 32 years. Every day I looked at his face in the mirror and tried to avoid eye contact with him as I brushed his teeth, combed his hair, and cleaned his body. Then I'd put on his heavy, coarse threaded clothing and plod my way along the path of his life, doing my best to try and play his part in the world the right way all the while knowing that I am not the right actor for his role. I've known my entire life that something wasn't right, that I was the problem. I comforted myself by saying that I'm just different from the other guys. I couldn't have been more right. Well. . . Perhaps instead I was so wrong that I became right coming the other way around. I'm different from all of the other guys because I was never a guy to begin with. I have been a woman all along. I've been a woman wearing a terrible man-skin coat doing her best to stand up and roar loud enough to scare all of the real men away so she could be alone to plant her flowers, care for her animals, and write out her long fantasy stories. At first I thought this feminine side of myself was something new until I became curious about the person I heard pounding on the other side of the walls I had built around them as a child. When I ripped away the cracked bricks and mortar I found a familiar face staring back at me. We hadn't seen eachother since I tried to bury her back when I was 7. When my sister became 10 she got her ears pierced as is tradition in our family. From that day she was a big girl and couldn't be bothered to play with her annoying little brother anymore. I loved my sister more than anything and cherished our time together especially since I could always count on her to chase away all of the bullies who tortured me every day at school for being weird. Her pulling away tore out my heart and so one day I came up with a solution that would make us both happy. I asked her to help turn me into a girl. Because I was 7 and she was 10 (aaaaand our father was a MAJOR homophobe who thought that even hanging his clothes on a pink hanger would make him magically turn gay. Try to visualize the logic there! "Honey, did you put my favorite shirt on a pink hanger again?" "No, I don't think so. Why?" "Because I am FAAABULOUUUS!!!" lol A couple of grizzled bikers sit at a dingy bar. One looks over at his drinking partner after a long ride and notices something off about his undershirt. "The wife wash yer whites with a red sock again?" "Yeah. And now I wanna go out and kiss all the boys, dammit!" He says sullenly staring into the golden froth. "I know how that goes. Mine hung my leathers on the pink hanger yesterday!" He growls draining another beer. The man in the pinkened shirt looks over curiously "You wanna go make out?" "Yeah, sure." (Sorry, I'm an amateur comedy writer so I am prone to these odd drifts of thought!)) We decided that the best way to make me a girl was to dress me in her clothes. I stripped down and put on her panties and night gown and we talked, played barbies, and listened to the radio all night. I became so comfortable and felt so natural that we lost track of time and forgot what I was wearing. . . Then my father came home from the bar! That night was so traumatic that I became afraid to ever express that side of myself again and so I sewed together my man-suit, locked my true self behind those walls and did my best to forget about her. She is stronger than we knew though, and she has manifested herself all of my life. Once I became a teenager I grew my hair out. It was always my best feature and became the only thing that I felt was really me. I would swell with an odd pride whenever a woman complimented me on my hair and being told how jealous of it they were thrilled me to know end. Once I got my first job and was buying my own clothes I picked out light, breezey khakis, white undershirts and cotton button up shirts to wear open over them. They were mostly brightly colored Hawaiian shirts or subdued floral patterns in more traditional male colors. I loved them and they became a part of my unique style. Then there were the flowers. I love gardening and growing any kind of plant, so I kept baskets of flowers on any surface in my room that got enough light to support them. And then there's my tea set collection. My mother caught me playing with the first one in a shop and went back to buy it for me for Christmas that year. I loved it and it quickly grew into a collection that I now have decorating my room in an array of shadowboxes. I've struggled with this identity for all of my life that I can remember, and I suspect it goes back even further than that, but who really knows there. I can remember getting bullied in school for months when I curtsied while the music teacher was teaching us the ediquet for our school play. Turns out i was supposed to bow instead. Whoops! Not that it mattered, really. Those kids had sniffed me out as being different long, long before that. Could have been because I was shy and meek. . . Oooor maybe it was the clover flower crowns and necklaces I taught the girls to make and would even wear around the playground myself. Could have been that. *sagely nod* I met another trans woman recently and I told her about how much I loved my hair and that it was killing me that I am going bald and that my hair looks terrible now. She smiled at me and made a joke about giving me her hormone pills that could regrow my hair so long as I didn't mind also growing breasts. I felt such a sudden and deep yearning that I must have made a face because she quickly hid the bottle and changed the subject, though she did offer them again later with the same joke, probably to test the waters and confirm what she was suspecting. I made a joke and brushed it aside. Later, I would go home and while staring at my scalp in the bathroom mirror, brake into tears. I hadn't cried in over a decade so it turned into a sob, then bawling, and then into full blown weeping. I sat on the toilet trying to collect myself and had an epiphany. I was mad at myself for being too weak and timid to accept her offer. I knew then that if given the choice I would happily, gladly, and proudly trade my penis to whomever I had to to get my hair back. I've been an asexual my entire life so it's not like I use the damned thing for anything other than urination anyway! What use do I have for it? Give me back my damned hair!! It was then that all of those feelings and all of those dreams about being turned into a woman made sense to me. All of the female characters I had made in video games and had spent more time designing than I did doing whatever the game was about seemed like obvious signs. So there I was, the crumbled debris lying at my feet. And there she was, my true self, a golden outline of a woman with soft kind eyes staring through my soul telling me that it was alright. I could cry now. I was finally safe. She smiled at me and I tried to smile back, but couldn't. I already was. We were finally one again. We were whole. We were just I again. Somewhere, I felt as if my male persona was waving at me, laughing like he always did when he knew things were going to be their toughest. Somewhere The Drifter faded away and left me alone with myself, with The Wanderer. So I smiled again, and took the first step on my long road. I am going on my first journey, the one to get back my long, golden brown hair and to become the woman I was always meant to be. I came out to my mother today. She told me she always knew, but thought that I would always stay the effeminate man I was. She told me that she is proud that I found my strength to fight for what I really want. She told me that she loves me and that she will always love me unconditionally. Then she text me a few hours later to tell me that she loves me again. I am so lucky to have her as my mother and my guide. Many of our brothers and sisters aren't so lucky and find themselves disowned or worse. She divorced my father when i was 16 and I havent talked to him in at least a decade, so I don't care what he thinks. I'll mail his name and legacy back to him when I find the time. I don't need them anymore, and they never really belonged to me to begin with. This is my first day as an open trans woman and I don't even have a real name yet. I haven't talked to a doctor about hormone replacement therapy, but I absolutely will. I am going to begin saving money for my surgery too. So on this day, I declare to the world, to myself, and to the people of Tumblr that I am a transgendered woman! I am proud! I am strong! And I am coming for my GOD DAMNED HAIR!!