#me when my mom is going back to indonesia next month AGAIN and is not taking me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

commonalex · 4 years ago

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future ready

future ready by common alex

Listen/download: future ready by common alex

It was around three months after I've been fired. I didn't dare to talk about it much, but it wouldn't that much of a mystery for someone to figure out why the short chick with the plaited hair isn't on the cash register giving wrong change to the old ladies anymore. To be perfectly honest, I was pretty devastated that I managed to fail even at working at the supermarket, where all you needed to get a grip was knowing how to count, wearing an "Olga" tag like a war medal, and acting like everything's okay at all times. Maybe that's why I ended up sneaking into it like a thief that day, out of stubbornness. It was the last sense of routine I had while everything was going under outside the window.

I could barely get out the bed before four in the afternoon. And when I did, all I had planned was dragging my body before the tv to catch some telemarketing and dumb commercials until the sun was out again and I successfully forgot who I am and what I'm going through. Because what other choices did I have really? For the last two years I was jumping from one dead end job to the next, either until I get fired or until I quit. I was leaving on benefits and a sad amount of savings, and I was starting to accept the fact that this would be my life from now on. Like, what else did I really have to rely on? Studies? Big deal, the world wouldn't end with just one english teacher less. Friends? Don't get me started. Family? All I was left with was a mother with a mission to make me feel horrible every time we spoke on the phone because I wasn't bothering to go see her. But even if I did, what would I have to say to her? I was mentally collapsing. So I said "leave it for now" and kept the thought pushed back for later. That's the reason why on that particular day I didn't pick up whenever my mom was ringing this cherry ericsson I had at the time. It wasn't like I really needed to answer, I already knew everything by heart.

"Have you seen how this girl you used to hang out at school does lately, Olga?".

No, mom, I haven't. It's been like ten years since I finished school.

"She's studying this thing you used to like, she got settled, she even has her own house".

Well done for her I guess, and?

"And you?".

I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life anymore, mom.

"But don't you ever think about your future?".

My long awaited future, huh? What a glorious future that was. It was so good, half of the people I used to know didn't make it halfway through.

Outside things were a bit more casual that the deep existential turmoil that was described by the news at the time, yet I was indeed shocked by that eerie amount of silence that was stretching through the cold winds that was piercing my purple coat. I could hear a tv screaming from two blocks away and the screeching roars of the phone lines echoing around the city, but there was barely any human voice left. I was only catching some mumbles and grunts here and there as I was jumping out of fear every time I had to turn around a corner. So it was just like everyday Athens, only with a little more of snow and fear of getting mugged. My social atrophy made me feel like I was being chased as the surrounding landscape was rapidly being stripped from anything that was reminiscing of a typical day. Like, that was the first time I ever saw people looting kiosks and butcher shops. I only managed to see like three to five people with their backs hunched, covering their faces while carrying those huge gray tv screens with the vhs player still attached or fifteen bags of chips, with their eyes moving around uncontrollably. All I had in my mind seeing these scenes was the word "brutalization". Maybe because all this time I wasn't fully aware of what was going on, or maybe because the news told the truth for once.

I snuck from the side door where the staff entrance was, because all the glass on the front of the supermarket was smashed to pieces and I didn't like the thought of my hands sliced open. It was a mess on the inside and the aisles stood empty like sad metal canyons. People must have broke in trying to get all the toiler paper and canned foods left in the previous weeks. From the expired milk bottles at the back to the unstoppable static noise of the refrigerators in front of me, there were all those special little touches to make me feel like I was working in this hole of a job again. And no, I did not bother searching for supplies. Instead, I walked around like I was out shopping with my mom, opening the boxes of the diabetes flavored cereal that no one bother to take, just to steal their toys. I also found a bunch of unopened boxes of the supermarket's very own faux chocolate milk (yes, the one with the dark industrial waste left on the bottom) that was probably expired as well. But, I was a lady, right? So I took some of them to the cash register, because Olga ain't no petty thief. I got around my place of work and scanned the bottles to find out that they cost something less than three hundred and seventy-five million. "Luckily, I don't have to calculate any change now", I thought. Never before have I ever experienced such relief while being there. I was sitting in the same place I was rotting for hours before the world turned to shit, and I was patiently waiting for a huge line of old ladies to pop out of nowhere just to ruin my vibe with their pension money bills. I almost started to miss all of those stuff. This must meant that things have really turned to shit.

The new millennium have begun just like any other year, against the disappointment and secret eagerness of some people. All that screaming about the revelation, the second coming of Satan, the aliens, and the revolution of the machines faded miserably as the days went by and absolute destruction was not to be seen. Yet, at least. Because the first planes that crashed mid-flight in South Africa and Indonesia didn't appear before the end of January, but all were like "okay, technical problems". And when missiles were accidentally landing on Iraqi cities, people were like "well, what to do, technical problems yet again". Only when the bank deposits got erased people started to cry and run like headless chickens. Young people now would call me cynical, but you had to be there to see it. It was crystal clear that people had all of their hopes and dreams for tomorrow stored into a single digit of a computer. A kind of tomorrow which was now failing to promise anything anymore in front of millions of simultaneous personal bankruptcies. Then the reactors in Italy exploded due to a system failure and tomorrow officially died. This tomorrow that we were told would bring everything to us, from cancer treatments to all of Britney's music stored in a tiny mini-disc. From flying cars to underground metros. From huge tv screens for each living room to the giant digital information highway better know as the INTERNET. Nowadays all of these sound so silly, but the pain in the faces of people from the betrayal of their dream did not seem to go away. Until mid-February, everyone lost their minds. Those who saw all of this coming ran away in fear of the new Chernobyl to leave the rest of us behind to die. Shops, services, offices, all ceased to have any actual reason to exist in from of the impending disaster. All you could see around anymore were padlocks, deflated bodies on the street from people that couldn't take it anymore, and some shadows of people left to wander like animals while pretending to be alive. Maybe that's why the tv was constantly playing commercials and other irrelevant bullshit during all of this, it was the last useful thing they could show to the people that were preparing for the grand finale.

But that grand finale wasn't so tangible for me. Everyone had this type of end predetermined, but this panic of theirs seemed more like a slightly less shallow version of the preexisting self-preservation to me. I wasn't convinced by those who screamed that the world was over simply because it already happened to their world. Like, just as Rome wasn't built in one day, their illusions weren't shattered overnight. I mean, at that time the supermarket was filled with those obnoxious promotional banners featuring the new slogan that was everywhere lately, before things change for the worse. They had the "FUTURE READY" catchphrase in large white letters that spread noisy and ridiculous lacking any particular meaning as everything was collapsing. What future exactly was that slogan referring to? The future in general, as a concept of time and space? They wouldn't have thought that out that much. Was it the future of humanity from now on? I wouldn't be so concerned for this with all those rich fucks that had already kissed as goodbye from their shelters, we were far from being extinct and in maybe less that ten years we could wake up with someone like Will Smith ruling the world. No, the catchphrase probably meant that future with the flying cars and the internet. The future only fools would believe it would come (and yes, people actually believe that). That future we lost just as fast as we were promised for it.

So in short, we were crabs in a bucket, pulling each other down in excruciating depths. This wasn't living nor surviving; we more or less kept on functioning like bio-robots with depression. But for me, things weren't looking so grim. "Look at me", I would say, "I reached twenty-nine and haven't done crap to be proud of, I drink expired chocolate milk and I'm secretly glad the world is ending because every day was borderline unbearable for me anyway, so how good would the future be for someone like me?". Nowadays the denial of any form of reality in this reasoning stands out, but at that moment I was reaching redemption. I was now reassured by the thought of the end, acting like a barrier that could block this endless loop that was running relentlessly against me. "So finally", I said to myself, "let's calm down once and for all". I was spinning around in the cashier's chair like a silly kid and was finishing up the bottles of milk like there's no tomorrow, while convincing myself that once everything goes to hell, my torment is over.

My phone’s vibrating through my coat cut me off the carefree twirling around my craziness. "Mom" was flashing on the screen again, but by that point I couldn't be bothered for explanations. Still, the dialogue kept running automatically like a script inside my head.

"I just can't get you. Do you keep on acting unbothered by the world? Even now? Who are you trying to convince anymore, Olga? Me? Because I know you have roughened up out of fear".

Well, truth is I was actually fearing you would start with that kind of shit again.

"You are getting more and more difficult to talk to. You are basically denying something we both clearly see at this point".

We seem to say the same exact thing, ain't that something? I guess I was kinda doomed from the start to be and look just like you.

"You really do me dirty with all these conclusions you're drawing out of anger".

Okay, so what? Did you get upset?

"Why are you angry at me, Olga? Can I hear you say it, just for once?"

I don't have the time for this thing again, mother, I need to enjoy my remaining days over here.

"How much do you think this will last for you? When will you stop stalling and start looking after you and your future again, Olga?"

What future do I have, really, are you kidding me?

-Are you talking to yourself, ma'am?

I almost slipped out of the chair. I had never experienced such horror before. I was barely held off the bench to help me get up again slowly with my heart sinking to my stomach, only to see a little girl with plaited pigtails looking at me half-frightened. She wasn't over nine years old, judging by the face and the childish dress she wore under this puffy purple coat.

-Why are you here? Where are your parents?

-Over here, come and take a look! But mom told me not to talk to strangers!

That of course made zero sense to me. Just like it made zero sense for a child to be left alone in a destroyed supermarket with the sun setting outside. I asked for the girl's name, nothing. I asked again, she hid her puzzled frown behind her pigtails trying to playfully imitate my posture with her hands on my waist.

-I'm Olga, I work here. And you?

She started to say something and suddenly changed her mind, running like hell to the back. I was confused thinking how would I look like to someone who saw me chasing a little girl in there, but then I reminded myself that probably nobody would be left to live to the end of this month, so I wouldn't be considered crazy for too long. I began running under the flickering ceiling lights and with each step I had to swallow my vomit. This little girl felt sorry for me in the end and stopped to wait for me at the end of the far right aisle, leaving one sleeve of her huge coat to stick out on purpose. I approached with an awkward smile and glanced at the strange grace she had on her face, with those weird baby hair that can't be caught for nothing in plaits pointing upwards. Despite my awkwardness, the girl stood unworried and expressionless as if I put her on timeout. I asked her name again. She slips away from a second time and runs like the wind, squealing something at lime while zigzagging the aisles.

-You should probably pick it up!

My phone was stabbing my pocket. It was "Mom" yet again, but I really wasn't in the mood for "Mama". I had to pick up my lungs from the floor at the top of my priorities, because this little devil wasn't running but galloping like a damn horse. I finally caught up with her in the aisle with the products of the day and tightly grabbed her by the shoulders. The little devil screamed and was banging her feet in pain. My hands had been too coarse for people after all this time.

-Hey, ma'am, did you get angry? I was just playing with you.

-I'm don't have time to play right now, please go to your mom.

-But I told you, My mom's right here.

"Where is "here"?

With just one finger sticking out of the sleeve, she pointed to the right middle shelf at the end of the aisle. She put her finger before her mouth to stop me from talking and I followed her on tiptoes. When we approached the end of the aisle and my eyes got used to the darkness I saw a woman laid inside the empty shelf. She was in her sixties and wearing an old black nightgown with holes on it. From her short hair down to her nails, there were ice flakes stuck everywhere as if she was just found buried in the snow. Her face with her eyes closed was carrying such an expression of pain and torment. I was so weirded out that something made me want to follow those ice streams that filled her skin's scratches with my fingers, however her body felt so stiff I jumped back. She looked more like a porcelain doll than an actual person.

-Ma'am Olga? Are you alright?

I threw up all the chocolate milk I drank. My body got the chills and my teeth were trembling so much that my breath was coming out in sharp puffs in front of the flickering lights of the refrigerators. I must have look like shit, because I scared the little girl for good and made her get five steps back from me while I was going crazy and trying to clear my eyes from the shock.

-Why is she here?

-Nobody wanted her. Nobody called to take her.

I didn't pay much attention. I pulled out my cherry ericsson to call for help, but the chaotic hum of the phone lines echoed in the aisle before I even put the phone to my ear.

-Who put her here?

She was just staring at me. I asked again and again. She let her lower lip half open. I grabbed her by the shoulders like before and she pulled out a choked scream due to my clumsiness. She started crying and feeling loose in my hands. It was then that I felt like something broke inside me and I crawled away from her because she would pass out in any second just by looking at the state that I was. I sat on the floor watching her wipe her tears from a distance, all while fixing her plaits and stressfully straightening the dress inside her coat. Every now and then she would throw these incoherent excerpts from conversations that seemed weirdly familiar, waiting for me to remember the answers I had given to each of the discussions. I felt sick, like my insides would explode at any moment. My mind was working overtime and I started seeing red. I understood, but I did not want to accept it.

"But how?" I was saying again and again. I can't just live through this stuff. I was thinking that maybe that's it, we are officially past this tomorrow. Maybe that was the end of the world and the time I had at my disposal. Only instead of cloud islands or pits with flames I was stuck inside this supermarket with a little girl and a dead woman. Was this fitting? Not really. It might be considered symbolic, but still not at all subtle. That's why I was stuffed with anger and distress. I couldn't digest what to feel after all that I saw. And what was the meaning of all of this? To make me feel remorse? To help me maybe? But how? So many questions hanging above my head I began to feel like I was melting from the uncertainty. Luckily, the little girl found some courage to pick me up from the floor.

-You still don't recognize her, do you?

-I recognized her just fine the first time.

-Are you sure, ma'am Olga?

-I don't know, what do you say?

-You tell me.

-We have to get out of here, kiddo. We can't get through it like this. Even now, with everything else going to hell with us.

-Do you really want me to come with you?

-I don't know. Maybe I want to, maybe I should.

The phone started screaming again. It was dimming "Mama" with small flakes of ice filling its broken tiny screen. The girl bent down and put this in my palm with no emotion on her face. I answered it. I waited for an eternity so thin you could fit it inside a moment like this. "Hello? Mom?". Eventually the same confusing static noise creaked from the other side of the call, and I stuck there waiting through the buzzing to find her smoker's coughing that she used to do before starting to complain about how I constantly forget about her. Waiting just to tell her that I was here, I was fine, and the world might not end there. Maybe, somewhere, somehow, there's even some future we can fit in it.

-So are we ready now, ma'am Olga?

-Ready for what?

She pointed at the banner hanging from the ceiling.

-Future ready.

I didn't catch my mother's voice at the other end of the line, of course. I hung up and weakly threw the phone on the shelf where the woman was laying, just to hear its dying snout. This felt way more fitting.

-Nah, not really. But it probably does not matter right now.

-But. I'm scared.

-I'm scared too, being in here and all.

-So when will we be back? When everything was normal again?

-"Normal" may no longer exist. We'll just have to see. For now, get up.

-You know better, ma'am.

-Ma'am my ass.

The little girl glanced just once at the self with the phone on and continue to walk with me, with her palm lost and warmed up somewhere inside my own palm. An analog clock on the wall pointed somewhere after nine o clock and the sky was bruised from the clouds that were pouring snow on everything around us. I put my hand with hers in the pocket of the miserable purple coat and lifted our hoods to escape the cold on the way home. I don't really remember how long we walked with our backs hunched over somewhere between the white and the gray. I only recall that we took the long way home, like a punishment of some sorts.

Thinking that I would never hear again the saltiness in my mom's voice was my most bitter torment. I never thought of such a possibility. I always had in the back of my mind that she would find a way to defy any rule of the universe, just so she could care for me. That's science fiction, after all. It seems I was holding on to my illusions for so long, so waking up hurts like hell even today. And if my mom died, I believe she must've left with that pain and concern during her last moments. "Look at me now", I catch myself saying here and there "I avoided her only until I had to mourn her". Until then, the only thing I had on my mind was working on what I should say when I would get asked about her, only to answer that we "fell off" with no emotion. What exactly happened to fall off with her would be like unnecessary little details. Still, to this day, that's exactly what I tell people when it's being brought up. I can't talk about it without sinking in remorse. I can't get the right words to come out anymore, not even by force.

Of course I tried to find her. Especially with the years that were to come upon me, I needed this to have my mind calibrated just to not go crazy over the batshit hysteria that was building up inside of me. Deep down, though, I knew I didn't have the courage to look at past trauma anymore, and I was secretly hoping I would never fine here. Maybe because the end of the world not coming anymore, at least as I thought it would, and now I have to live with it forever. Maybe because the worst that could have happened to me in the end was the postponement of the apocalypse. And this falls heavily on my shoulders to this day. Every day I have to justify why it was worth it to stay behind, either as punishment or by luck, trying to convince myself that there is something left to do with the leftovers of my future.

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thebookofus-depravity · 5 years ago

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Skinny Bone Jones

Chapter 1

Chapter 2 coming soon!

9k words

This is my baby Park Jaehyung and an AU in which y’all are dealing with the coronavirus together in LA. Jae grew up with Y/N and you were childhood friends. You stayed close but haven’t seen each other in ages. Now you’re both back.

Teeth rotting fluff, possible smut in future chapters (lets see if I have the balls to post it), Y/N has a strong proclivity for a certain guitarists hands. And honestly, who can blame her? TW: Confrontation with a nasty old ex, Coronavirus, Quarantine, overbearing parents.

...

This fucking sucks.

Closing your laptop, and shoving it off of your lap to the side of your bed, you are struck by exactly how warm the underside of your Netflix Machine was in contrast to the chilly room. Well, 3 hours of To Catch a Predator in, and sure, your old 2011 Dell dinosaur is going to be a little mad at you. I've got to do something today. Anything.

Week 3 of your quarantine is coming to a close and on this breezy LA Thurs-Fri-Turday (who the hell knows anymore) you can feel the last tendrils of your sanity escaping with the setting sun. It just doesn't stop setting. And rising. And setting. And rising. Tortuously slow some days and before you can even get out of bed the next. Not that you get out of bed much.

Alright. That's it. I'm gonna do something. I have to. It's time to make some art, bake some cookies, go for a run, tell someone around me how much I value them, topple the patriarchy. I am going to get up and do something with my life and damned if I get in my own way again. I am unstoppable. I am formidable. I am inevitable.

Rising from your rumpled bed clothes with the steadfastness of a slightly anemic Viking (whoa I’m woozy, I shouldn't have stood up so fast. Shit, when's the last time I ate?) you cross to the large bay window that faces the street. You throw your curtains open, ready to face the day, only to be faced with… stars starting to twinkle at you out of the inky blackness. Dammit. I'm gonna have to defeat systemic oppression tomorrow.

Squinting from behind your glasses, you see that the stars are not stars at all but helicopters blinking down at you. You haven't seen real stars since your trip to Big Sur last summer. Although you moved to LA when you were 7, you have vague recollections of the Korea that you loved as a young child. Your parents had picked up and moved to the States after years of struggling through VISA's and citizenship red tape. Your mom and dad had originally meant to get married and have you in the US. The land of opportunity.

You now chafed slightly under that blanket of opportunity as you are far too aware of the responsibility you have been given to make the absolute most of it. From the ripe old age of 8 you had been conditioned to follow your dreams to their fullest. As long as those dreams were to become a doctor, lawyer, or marry a CEO. Your parents cared about you greatly and you knew that. They only want security for you, happiness comes from security. Now 25, you can't quite remember the last time their overbearing nature had been quite this...potent. You were in your final year of medical school at USC and there was nowhere to run. It was time for you to begin your foray into the 'real world' of residency. The same post-undergrad 'real world' that you had watched all of your non-premed friends crash land into. They had all distanced themselves from you, both figuratively and literally; intentionally and inadvertently. Divorced, Beheaded, Died: Divorced, Beheaded, Survived. You had watched you friends get married, have kids, sabotage marriages, buy houses, do well, do poorly. And here you were in some kind of bubble both safe and isolated from all of the uncertainty beyond the classroom.

Jokes on you, Jessica, now we're all screwed, you find yourself thinking for the upteenth time over the past month. You had been watching the Coronavirus since December and knew exactly what was to come. You did all that you were capable of as a not-quite certified medical professional and tried to convince people of the reality of the threat, convince them not to panic, and to exercise a reasonable level of preparedness. Well, that didn't work. You found yourself sunk into a deep well of frustration and futility at the action and inaction that was being exhibited throughout the States. For the first weeks of quarantine you found yourself glued to your phone, helplessly watching the tragedy unfold and the stupidity that was ensuing. By week 2 your empathy had burnt out and you knew you couldn't watch that world anymore. K-drama's it is. After completely obliterating Crash Landing on You, Itaewon Class, and rewatching Descendants of the Sun for the eighth time just because it's so. damn. cute!, your parents started to get a little concerned.

Your stomach growled and you realize you, in fact, haven't eaten since early this morning. As you consider what the consequences of emerging from your cave of a bedroom might have, you resign yourself. Five minutes later you are hovering in the kitchen with a bowl of leftover whateverthefuck in hand, you turn to see both of your parents at the bar stools staring at you with a look of concern that you haven't seen in years. Shit, I keep forgetting, they think I'm functional. Your parents had shipped you off to Health Careers College Prep school, a boarding school in Sacramento, when you were 16. Upon graduation there with your high school diploma, nurses aid, and dental hygienist's certificates, you immediately started at USC premed. You hadn't lived at home since your Jonas Brother's phase. As much as your parents loved you, they didn't really know you. This had been overwhelmingly obvious when the USC campus closed and you returned home to open arms and your bedroom frozen in the clutches of 2009. Your parents had welcomed you home with tearful hugs and a new gift for your room. I know how much you love that Kevin- boy. And your room is so old. Come. Come. Already wary and wondering who the hell is Kevin? you allowed yourself to be led to your old room and set your bags down with a deadened thump. You tried so hard not to laugh, You really did. They're trying so hard. But like, Where did they even find this monstrosity? You had been staring up at the largest poster of Kevin Jonas that you had ever seen every night for 3 weeks and it was starting to get to you.

Regardless of the decor (purple fuzzy lamp shade included), there were so many parts of living at home that were so foreign to you. Although everything was completely the same, you were worlds different and it was disorienting. Your bed seemed smaller, the walls shorter, the colors dimmer. Everything that made that house your home was still there, only you had changed. It was like you were in a coma and had just woken up, the rest of the world unchanged but with 10 more years under your belt. Your therapist would tell you that you were reverting into a childlike state because of trauma and surroundings. Hush, Mollie, I don't need that right now. I need food.

Food was honestly what was keeping you sane and civil. Your parents own a pho shop just down the street that was still taking carry out and delivery orders for pho, crawfish, whatever they had lying around. You had been helping out in the kitchen and with deliveries since you had been home. As freeing as the drives have been, you really come alive in the kitchen. You had been watching your mom make pho and dumplings for years and although she sent kimchi to your apartment every month or so, you missed your moms cooking. And her kitchen. You immediately took to cooking just like you had when you moved off of USC campus and into an apartment with some friends. You had 12 burners! That all worked! A convection oven! Two of them! Kitchen Aid's! You had no problem opening up shop at 8am every morning to prep the dough and get the stock boiling and all of the other things that her mother and father had been doing for the past 20 years.

Returning to your room after rinsing out your bowl and chopsticks, and exchanging goodnight's with your parents you sit on your bed and tell yourself to go to bed. You have to be up at 7am for the kitchen. You need to chop scallions for the pork and chive dumplings so it has time to coagulate. Come on, Go to bed. No phone. It was a pitiful attempt, really. You had been pulling med-school grade all-nighters since your junior year of high school and nothing was stopping you now. Turning on your side for easy access to your charger, you plug your phone and coast through Instagram, Youtube, Twitter, Tinder for an indeterminate amount of time before your eyes start to get heavy. Instagram was just filled with all of your peers from USC recklessly meeting up with friends for picnics and drives and all of the other things they thought they were free to do because they were young and healthy and beautiful. Fuck off. Youtube provided a lovely escape from the actual outside. Mikey Chen showed you around TaiPei's street food scene, Binging with Babish gave you a new hand pulled noodle recipe to try, Bon Appetit made you glad you weren't Claire Saffitz. Tinder was a joke but an adequately funny one. Instead of your bog standard USC fuckboi's you were able to talk to fuckboi's from Korea, Dubai, Indonesia, Guatemala, Brazil. How fun. You had downloaded it 6 months prior after yet another guy in your department was just 'too busy, i'm sorry' to make the date that you had planned. You generally tried to avoid Twitter as it was just an echo chamber of panic and 24 hour news cycles and didn't do much for your anxiety. See, Mollie? I'm being smart.

You flick open the little bird app and scroll for just a minute. A particular notification picques your attention. Jae tweeted. Well, Day6 tweeted, but we all know who runs their twitter. Your throat tightens with nerves as the post loads. You worry about him more than you'd like to admit but with tours cancelled and travel suspended, you know how hard it can be for people whose livelihoods revolve around entertainment and travel. The post loads and you let out a sigh of relief to see Jae surrounded by his band mates and smiling. Brian starts speaking Korean and delivers his message about their newly acquired tiktok. Brian gestures for Jae to speak and Jae delivers the same message in English. Ah, he went back to blonde. It looks good on him. Wait is he- oh god, he's wearing a crossbody fanny pack. Jae, you're old. Stop. Shifting to get more comfortable, you let the video loop a few times before closing the app. Jae's okay. You roll over onto your side and set your phone to the side. Jae's voice echoes through your ears for the next few minutes but you resolve yourself against it. I'm not getting fucking tiktok. I'm a grown ass woman. That app is for 12 year olds. And Jae. Resolved, you burrow into your Jonas brothers duvet cover for the night.

Sweating and on the verge of tears, you wake with a start. The dream was already slipping from your consciousness with a blessed haste but the uneasy feeling that the nightmare gave you seemed to coat the inside of your skull and taint it's entire contents. A thin light filters through your still open window and your eyes creak open. Morning? Sure, why not? Rolling over, you flick open your phone and are greeted by an all too unfamiliar, 5:17am. It's too damn early. Even for you. You still have an hour or so to kill before you have to get up but you didn't fancy the idea of trying to go back to sleep after that dream. Propping yourself up on a few of the approximately 67 pillows that litter your twin sized bed, you open your phone. 3 new emails from USC congratulating you on your graduation and asking for some documentation of something or another or evaluation of some class you hadn't thought of in weeks. Skip. 2 emails from residencies that you had applied to before the coronavirus urging you to reapply in the fall. Great. You couldn't even bring yourself to feign concern over the missed opportunity. 1 email from Twitter informing you that Jae had tweeted. Again. You follow the link to another video of his side project EaJ. You had been following his new releases and you were surprised by the tenderness and vulnerability that they showed. He was always such a funny guy, it was the only side that he really showed much to the media. Sure, fans got glimpses at concerts, but not many knew just how deep the well ran in that man.

Today's Tuesday, apparently. The next episode of How Did I Get Here? comes out today. I'll have something to listen to while I food prep. You never admitted to yourself how pleased you were when he started the podcast. You missed hearing his voice on a regular basis. Hollered up into your window, whispered between giggles in the back-most church pew, hurled across crowded hallways. Of course, the voice was different than it is now. Pocked by pubescence and the LA accent, you remember a far squeakier Jae. He was the first person you met when you moved into the neighborhood at 7 years old. He was 9 so of course, he took it upon himself to show you exactly where you could and couldn't go and what taco trucks would give out fare for free to little kids on weekends. You remember those years fondly as finally having the big brother you never had. Skinny Bone Jones, you called him. He stood up for you when the kids in middle school called you smelly for bringing kimchi in your lunch. He called you smelly just for being you. He was well liked in school and by extension so were you. You had the cool big brother. You were more than happy to play second fiddle and be his backup. Tagging along to parties, helping him record his yellow post-it note covers on Youtube, letting him know when his hair looked stupid.

And so it stayed until Jae actually made it on KPop Star. As much as you loved him, you didn't think he would ACTUALLY make it. Sure, he could sing. He had a beautiful voice but that wasn't enough. The boy danced like a drunk chicken and was 6ft tall and 120lbs soaking wet. He didn't even know Korean. What was he thinking? He was thinking he was going to prove you wrong. And he did. You watched as Skinny Bone Jones transformed into Park Jaehyung with a perfect balance of immense pride and terror. You knew you wouldn't lose your friend entirely but during his trainee days he had very limited access to the outside world, and you just weren't a priority. Honestly, you would've been offended if you had been. He has a mom, dad, an older sister, bandmates, college. It only makes sense that the steady stream of communication turned into a trickle. It wasn't until Every Day6 that you were more of an insistent presence in his life. You burrowed your way back into his inbox with the tenacity of the annoying little sister that you were. You were worried. You watched him on After School Club and in the deluge of content that Day6 was serving their slowly growing fanbase. He looked tired. You once again rekindled your relationship but it was different now. Instead of you leaning on him for social support, you became his confidant. He was struggling. Burnt out, and questioning so many things, he didn't want to go to his bandmates because he didn't want them to worry. His parents would pull him immediately if they knew exactly how rough his condition was, his 'friends' from college had proved fake. He now had Alpha Phi Omega blocked because they wouldn't stop asking for favors: Day6 tickets, Twice merch, Got7 tickets. He felt alone but you reached out and he was able to lean on you. The trials passed and he was happier than ever and Day6's growing popularity meant good things for his lobster funds.

You stayed in contact over the years and shared with each other the going on's of your lives. You had even managed to go to the Gravity World Tour date in LA. Jae got you backstage and you were able to meet the rest of his bandmates that you had heard so much about. It was an act of God that you managed to keep your composure. I mean sure, he's just Jae but you're still backstage at a concert for the first time! Your cheeks still redden when you remember how Jae caught you ogling at YoungK. Heart in your throat, and voice barely above a whisper YoungK had walked directly over to you and asked what you were doing backstage. After a solid 15 seconds of pointing listlessly at your Press badge and making just the strangest of noises that were meant to approximate speech, Jae finally caught wind and rushed over, knocking your sense back into you and introducing you to the members.

Oh! Y/N! It's so nice to finally meet you! Jae talks about you all the time, I'm so glad you were able to make it! Your cheeks inexplicably reddened further to a violent shade of pink but the boys slowly defanged themselves in your mind. They're truly lovely people and you're glad Jae has them. That being said, you still can't quiiiite look Brian in the eyes and Jae thinks it's hilarious.

The Gravity tour feels like ages ago as you shrug on some jeans and a tee shirt for your walk to the shop. August 2019 at the Novo may have only been 8 months ago but it seems like a different reality. The Novo will be closed for the forseeable future and concerts are cancelled. That stings but not as much as the radio silence from Jae. First it was his tour schedule that rendered communication difficult and now the virus. You know he's busy and it's been a weird few months for the entertainment industry, but a 'Hey I'm alive.' would be nice. From his podcasts and twitter you've been able to keep some thread attached but you feel it stretching thin as the months stretch on. You really don't want to be annoying. You're sick of feeling like a fan. Yeah, you support Jae and Day6 and would call yourself a MyDay, but that's not all you are. You know him. You dragged him through the mud when he convinced you to try sledding down a muddy hill on a trash can lid. You set up his camcorder for his covers when he still had that stupid swoopy hair. You posed as his angry girlfriend when a crazy fan wouldn't leave him alone. You're starting to feel like just a fan and not a friend and it's only exacerbated by the glee that you feel when you get the notification from dive studios that How Did I Get Here? has updated. I miss my friend.

Not bothering to flip the sign on the front door from closed to open, you shoulder open the front door of the shop after fumbling with the keys. Tying an apron securely around your waist, and flicking on your noise cancelling headphones to a comforting thrum, you wash your hands and begin to chop the largest pile of scallions you've ever seen. Crunching through the pile, you start Jae's podcast and everything is gone but him. You can almost imagine him in the room with you, perched on the counter talking your ear off about the Mandela effect or how weird elbows are or something equally as ridiculous. Today he's talking about soul mates. As you listen to him joke and banter and pontificate, your eyes well up. It's just the scallions. You know damn well it's only partially the scallions. You miss Jae. And you're in the middle of a pandemic. And your family barely knows you. And you're not sure if you even want to be a pediatric oncologist. Fuck. Jae's words turn into white noise in your ears as you toss your headphones to the side and place the knife on the butchers block, perhaps more aggressively than necessary. You pause the podcast and let yourself sit in the feeling. You're lonely and sad. See Mollie? I'm letting myself feel things. Making room for every emotion. You cast your mind around and recall all of the little wounds that prick a little too deep today. You feel a squeeze in your abdomen and your eyes shoot open wide. Shit, my period. I've got to be PMSing. Even Jae recognized the trend in your emotions before you did. The week before your period, you were notoriously mushy and weepy and indulgent. Well, that's one mystery solved. I'll be okay. Mollie's voice echoed through your brain with her familiar argument that hormones only heighten the emotional distress, not fabricate it. These feelings are valid and aren't fake just because you're hormonal. You steadfastly ignore that point, wipe your eyes, and pull your headphones back on. You finish up the pile of scallions and a few other morning chores before the podcast ends. It's Jae's sign off that sends the bowl of mandu filling that you were holding clattering to the floor. "I'm coming to you from my childhood home, so if the audio is a little finnicky… blame Byron." Jae's home.

…

After sweeping up a pound of pork, beef, mirin, soy sauce, and chives and disposing of it, you stare at your phone- hands shaking slightly. Jae. What the fuck. You rip off your apron and your mind races. Should I call him? Should I go see him? I can’t believe he’s right here. 2 houses down. Fuck. Your rational brain knows that it’s okay to feel excited about Jae being home. But the sneaky little bitch that lives in the back of your brain is telling you that if he wanted to hear from you, he would’ve called. You feel a little bit of yourself fragment at that, but you push it to the side. You open up your phone and slide over to his contact in your phone. What greets you is your last text conversation.

Jae: I’m so glad you had fun, Y/N! But if you ever look at Brian like that again, I might have to put a ban on you at our concerts. His head was way too big.

Y/N: Look at him like what?! I didn’t do anything and you know it!

Jae: Of course you’re didn‘t. You totally weren’t drooling over my bassist.

Y/N: Fuck off.

Jae: Gladly, love. ;)

8 months ago. Sure you’d DM’d quite a bit since then and called a few times. But it just seemed so sparse. You don’t want him to just humor you. You’re an adult and perfectly capable of being alone. You’re not going to text him just yet.

You finish up your morning chores and head back to your house, pausing for perhaps just a little too long in front of the sandstone house with the tan shutters and shoes out front. You knew that house so well. You knew how much weight the tree outside the upstairs bedroom window could hold. You knew where the kimchi refrigerator was tucked away in a back corner of the garage. You knew there was a blonde boy in there that you wanted nothing more than to run inside and get a hug from.

You shower and let the hot water run over you, hoping it will relax the knotted up muscles in your back. It’s not like I can go see him anyway. We’re in quarantine. He probably just got back to LA and just hasn’t gotten the chance to-. You run the same conversation over and over in your head until you can’t take it anymore. You need someone else’s voice in your head. Curling into your covers, you sigh and go to the App Store. A few short minutes later and you hate yourself more than you ever have. Tiktok. Here we go. You watch the video of Day6 introducing themselves to the social networking platform once, twice, three times until your eyes start to ache. All of a sudden you’re met with a new post that pings up. Your breath catches in your throat as you see Jae standing in his living room, attempting to keep up with Amber Liu’s dance challenge. You can’t help but giggle as he flails to the left, to the right, oversized black hoodie always falling into his face. BM would be proud. Express not impress. You find yourself shocked at the weight that he’s gained. He looks healthy and happy. You remember the conversations in middle school about how much he hated being skinny. The evenings in the weight room in high school. Failed doctors appointments. He looked good before but you see that in recent months his chest has been swelling and not just with pride. His shoulders sit a little bit broader than you ever remember in the past and you’re happy for him. Good for you, Jae.

You like the tiktok and let it loop a few more times before sighing heavily and opening your messaging app.

Y/N: I got TikTok for you, ya little shit.

You chuckle but leave the text unsent. You’ll think of something better later. You toss your phone to the side in the face of the mountain of laundry on your bed that needs to be taken care of. As you hang the last of your shirts, your phone pings. You pick it up to a notification from Jae.

Skinny Bone Jones: Language!

Skinny Bone Jones: Do you think Amber approves?

You feel a flare of indignation wash through your limbs at the mention. Apparently it had sent. Oh well. As the thrill of a reply ebbs out of you, it is replaced by a rising indignation. How dare you?! Not tell me you’re in town and pretend like you didn’t?! Really?!

Y/N: I don’t really care what Amber thinks.

Maybe that was a little snippy. You love Amber, truly. But how can he have time for TikTok but not me?

Skinny Bone Jones: Yeah? Do you still care what I think?

Your heart catches in your throat. So he’s caught on that you’re pissed.

Skinny Bone Jones: Y/N, can I call you?

You swipe up to the phone icon and call him on auto pilot. Talk to me, Jae.

“Y/N?” you hear Jae’s voice.

“Jae.” Your voice comes out whispier than you meant it to. You try again.

“Jae! How are you?”

“Oh, y’know, just got off a plane that smelled like bleach and got to my house that isn’t really my house anymore, left my guitar to be sanitized, was “strongly encouraged” to make a TikTok by my company, and then got my head bit off by my best friend. Just quarantine things.” There is a touch of acid in his voice but Jae mostly sounds tired. Your empathy comes surging back and you sigh.

“I’m sorry Jae. I just- I didn’t know you were in town until I listened to your podcast this morning. I was a little hurt that you didn’t call or anything.”

“Look, kid. I just got home. I’m a diva. You know I require at least an 18 hour period of naps and boba to function properly. I’m a KPop Star now.” You laugh at the callback to your irate spiel a few years ago about how fame had changed him and he was a diva and just ‘wasn’t the Jae you knew’ anymore. It wasn’t his fault he was allergic to everything and turned down all of your food suggestions.

“Jae, you’ve been a diva since day one.” You quip back, tension resolving as you fall back into a familiar playful banter.

“And don’t you forget it, Y/N.” There's a slight pause before Jae continues,

“This diva is really sorry he didn’t call you. It’s just been a lot the last few days. The tour just got cancelled. And our album comes out in a few days. Our team has been going crazy trying to figure out how we’re supposed to publicize in this climate and I just-“

“Jae. Chill. When I preordered mine last week, it was the most popular album on the site. It’s gonna sell. Don’t worry too much.” There’s a beat of silence in which you can hear the air whoosh out of Jae’s lungs.

“You-You preordered Demon?” Jae sounds shocked but endeared at your admission and you laugh.

“Of course? I’m really pumped to hear that sexy, soothing voice of Wonpil’s. Maybe I’ll even get a Dowoon photo card this time! I keep getting Jae ones in my other albums and I give them to my little cousin.” This isn’t entirely true. You have 3 of Young K, 2 of Dowoon, and 1 each of Wonpil and Sungjin. You’ve been waiting for a Jae photocard for ages. You would die before you told him that, though.

��You little shit. If you don’t want to see my face, why are you following Day6 on TikTok?” Jae ribs back.

“Brian. Duh. He’s fine as hell.”

“Yah! Haven’t you found a boring ass Orthopedic surgeon or some shit, yet? Why do you have to terrorize me like this?”

“Why? Haven’t you found a Twice member that’ll marry you yet, Skinny Bone Jones?”

“I’ll have you know, I gained 10 pounds the past 8 weeks! I’ll be big as BM soon!” You can picture the expression of childlike pride in his face even if you can’t see it.

“You look really good, Jae. I’m proud of you. You’ve been working really hard.” The sudden sincerity catches the both of you off guard and you clear your throat.

“Thanks, Y/N. That means a lot.” A comfortable silence is followed by a lengthy conversation recounting the previous weeks, the various states of the other members, your own eviction from college, and the status of the shop.

“You know, Y/N, if you or your family need anything I’m more than happy to help. I mean I know how hard it can-“ You cut him off before he can go any further.

“We’re okay Jae, honest. I know you’d be good for it but we don’t need anything right now. Business is good at the pho shop and we’re okay.”

“Okay, okay. Just know I’m here.”

“I mean NOW I do, no thanks to youuu,” you wheedle, whining about his failure to let you know he was in town.

“Come on, Y/N, I said I was sorry!” He laughs but you can hear the desperation of sincerity in his voice.

“I know, Jae. I’m just kidding. I just really missed you.”

“I missed you too Y/N.”

You get off the phone upon the realization that you needed to go to the shop and prep for the dinner deliveries. Sometimes you abhorred that you were “essential”. You run downstairs and tell your parents the good news about Jae and inform them you’ll be back soon.

“I know you’re excited, Y/N, but remember we can’t be going and visiting people like that. Only essential work.” You roll your eyes slightly but assure them that you know. As if you hadn’t been telling them the same thing for weeks. I had to convince you not to go play mahjong in the park, eomma. You might be excited, but you’re not stupid.

You had just started filling the mandu when you hear the bell over the door chime. Pardon me, are you stupid? We've been closed for weeks, why do you think it would be okay to just walk in? You wipe your hands on your apron and start to walk to the counter.

"Hello? I'm sorry, we're only open for call-in deliveries." You round the corner and lift your head from your hands to see the form of the gangliest, tallest, loveliest man you've ever seen in your life.

"Special delivery." Jae remarks smoothly, arms open wide in invitation and head cocked to the side as if he was bracing himself for the crash landing that was to come.

"Jae!" you yell, and launch yourself from behind the counter and into his arms. His arms fold around you and everything else melts away. Your face burrows against his chest and you inhale. He smells like home and cinnamon. You can feel tears welling up in your eyes with the tide of emotions that wash over you. Jae's hand cups the back of your head into him and he hugs you just as tightly as you hug him. You press yourself into him with everything you have and in the deafening silence and warmth all that you can think is I love you.

"Y/N" He whispers, not loosening his grip on you.

"Mmph." you respond weakly.

"My shirt's wet." You jump back from him a bit and see that he's correct. Your eyes are leaking. All over his white shirt. Oops.

"Oh! I'm-I'm sorry." You laugh a bit and swipe at your eyes before patting at his shirt in futility.

"It's okay, love. Come here." He welcomes you back into his arms and you wrap your arms over his neck this time.

"I missed you." You whisper, voice cracking a bit.

"I know you did." You jump back from him. Bitch.

"Hush. I missed you too, you idiot. Why else would I be standing here right now?"

You cast your eyes around in a panic. He's here. He's right here. In the store. Here. He shouldn't be here. He should be in quarantine with his family. You're unessential to him.

Sensing the realization in your eyes, he pushes past you, walking to the back and puts on the latex gloves hidden behind the counter.

"I figured it was about time to get a 'real job' like everyone keeps telling me to." He smiles smugly and picks up the knife to start chopping the bok choy. You stand there in shock for one second, two seconds, three seconds until you realize he’s about to cut his fingers off.

“Jae! Stop!”

“Look, Y/N, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to do this. I want to help. And I’ll be damned if I’m not allowed to see you in the time I’m finally here-“

“No, Jae. Stop. I know I can’t argue with you. I’d be thrilled if you’d work with me. But Brian is gonna kill me if I let you cut your damn hands off.”

“I… what?”

“You’re a guitarist Jae. We can’t have you cutting off your pretty little fingers. And if you keep chopping it like that, that’s exactly what you’re going to do.”

Jae looks down at his hands and stretches his fingers wide as if considering them for the first time.

“Pretty?”

You roll your eyes, but unbidden, your eyes are still trained on his hands. They really are pretty.

“Just. Let me show you.” You show him how to tuck his knuckles up against the blade and chop in smooth rocking motions so as not to take off his fingertips.

You work in relative silence for the next hour, packaging meals and portioning combos as your mom and dad peek in and out to pick up the orders. You can feel a warmth flowing through you as you take in your surroundings. The loneliness of the past weeks leeches out of you and dissipates into the warm atmosphere, homey smells, and murmur of conversation. It’s almost as if your limbs wake up bit by bit, like a tree waking up after a long frigid winter. You feel yourself stretch and shine and the bubbles of contentment flow through you. By the time the last combo is out the door, you find it really difficult to take the smile of your face.

Jae seemed to be in the same boat. On more than one occasion you caught him staring at you. Every time you caught him he just shook his head and laughed in that infuriating way of his. But you really couldn’t be irritated at him. It was impossible. He was your happy fairy, even if you wanted to kick him in the shins every two minutes for saying something dumb. Mom and dad said goodnight to Jae in the same way they have been since he was 10. “Tell Mrs.Park I say hello and don’t be a stranger.” Right after they leave and you’re washing the last dish, while Jae sits on the counter telling you about production for Day6’s new album, the phone rings. Before you can tell Jae not to answer it, he’s already taking the man's order. Fine. One more can't hurt. You weren’t anxious to end this day and return to bed alone, so you welcome the post-closing distraction. Cobbling together a plate from the leftovers you were about to bring home, you grab your keys and beckon Jae to follow you.

“No need to bug mom and dad, we can take this one.”

As you walk outside toward where your little yellow bug is parked, you feel Jae move behind you. You can feel his body close to yours and you stiffen instinctually. You’re not used to skinship anymore and you can feel the blood in your veins carbonate as Jae’s breath ghosts across the back of your neck. You stop dead in your tracks, eyes wide, flush creeping up your neck as you feel his hands- those damn hands- ghost along the side of your left arm. You squeak when his fingers brush against the back of your hand, lacing his fingers with yours. Your world spins. Fuck is he holding my hand? Do I want this to happen? He’s so close to me. Can he hear my heartbeat?

“Jae-“ you begin to say, with absolutely no idea as to where the statement would go after.

Luckily you don’t have to think of any sort of decisive move because Jae immediately snatches the keys from your now limp left hand with a cackle, running ahead to the car.

“I’m driving!” You little fucking- oooh!

You’re thankful for the cool evening breeze and dim street lights or you were sure to get a ribbing for the blazing red cheeks that you were sporting. You climb into the passenger's seat with the food on your lap and do your best to sink into invisibility. It doesn’t work. You’re convinced that he can hear your brain jackhammering away at the night's events.

Did I want that to happen? Did that happen? He was so close to me. He felt so warm and the way he touched me. Running your hands over your arm, you could feel his touch like it had raced a burning path down your whole left side. Do I… like Jae?

You glance over at him now and again as he puts the car in drive and begins the route to the destination. Jae, of course, is jabbering away about how everything has changed since he’s been gone and, “Omigod, is that ANOTHER pinkberry?” You find yourself nodding along passively while actively trying to figure out what the hell was going on in your brain. Much like his podcast, his voice became white noise by which you asked yourself questions you weren’t sure you wanted the answers to. Of course I love him. But do I like, like him? Never in your life have you felt more like a horny, confused teenager but as you glance over and watch Jae with one hand on the steering wheel, wind blowing through his hair, you know one thing for sure- Jae isn’t a kid anymore. And he isn’t your brother.

It isn’t until you pull into a neighborhood about 10 minutes later that you remember that you’re here on a delivery. Yanking yourself from your reverie, but with unease still firmly lodged in your thoughts, you address the task at hand.

“Jae, where are we?”

“Uhhhh, 3051 Driver Rd.”

Driver Road. You know this neighborhood but you can’t quite place where. If your previous safari into your possible romantic interest in Jae wasn’t jarring enough, you feel panic rising through your system like so much bile. Why do I know this neighborhood? Jae, unaware of any turmoil on your part, pulls up to the house in question and when your headlights wash over the yard your heart sinks into your throat. You’re going to be sick. 3051 Driver Rd. This is where Sean lives.

You had met Sean Avery in your sophomore year of premed and had fallen head over heels in love with him. He was tall, attractive, ambitious, and he wanted you. You were star struck. It wasn’t until a year of ‘dating’ later that you unearthed the whole messy truth of his long string of side pieces and general douchebaggery. If that wasn’t enough, in the past year you heard the report of him almost catching a case with a high school senior in the area. You knew now that he was nothing but a predator and a coward. You had managed to avoid him since your explosive breakup but now it seemed you had very little choice.

“Sean fucking Avery” you seethe in the seat next to Jae.

“What did he do to you?” Jae asked, taken aback by your sudden vitriol.

“Shit, that wasn’t in my head was it?” Jae laughs a bit but sobers up quickly at your expression.

“Y/N you look really pale, are you okay? I don’t know your history with this guy but hey, you don’t have to deliver this. I’ll do it. Don’t you worry, love.” Jae places his hand on the top of your head and ruffles your hair a bit in an attempt to be comforting. The attempt helped. Your heart pricks up a bit at Jae’s term of endearment but it feels more deadened than it should. You’re sick of feeling like this. Of letting Sean steal your joy from you. It’s been too long for that shit. Pulling yourself together a bit, you shake yourself out of your head and steel yourself.

“No, Jae, I’ve got this.” Jae looks at you with slight concern but shrugs nonetheless.

“Alright, well, I’m going with you okay? This dude really must’ve done a number on you if this is your response. And I’d like to see the bastard.” Jae’s eyes glinted with something dangerous that you’ve never seen in him before and it causes the same fire in you to spark. Let’s do this.

With Jae by your side, you march up to the door with the delivery order and set it on the front steps. The doorbell is deafening in the still night and you have to remind yourself to breathe. You jump as the door swings wide and a pathetic looking man sporting a robe and a beer belly peeks from the inside. All of the breath that had been waiting in your lungs released and you feel your head go a little bit light with the realization that this was the man that you were in love with. 7 years later, gone was the debonair gentleman who could sweep you off your feet. In his stead stood a balding, fat, stiff man in boxers and a moth eaten robe. He grunts in acknowledgment of the presence of other humans but it’s obvious that the Neanderthal hasn’t recognized you. He retrieves his food and goes fumbling in his robe pocket for his wallet. He fishes out a card and hands it to you. You take it from him and process the payment.

Declined.

“Sorry, Sean, your card- it declined.”

He huffs and makes a sound in the back of his throat that you can only describe as gross as you hand it back to him.

“It what!? What do you mean declined?” He stumbles forward a few steps and you automatically flinch backward into Jae. Jae’s hand comes up to your shoulder to ground you, a reminder that he’s still there. Sean’s movement wafts a smell of body odor and brown liquor. He always was a mean drunk. You decide to cut your losses while you can and keep the transaction as minimal as possible. No games.

“Your card, Sean, it declined. Do you have an alternate form of payment?” Sean whips open his wallet and roots around for a minute before retrieving a few crumpled up bills. He extends the cash but before you can swap his card for cash, his arm whips back. Looking at you sideways, suspicion drips from his slurred speech,

“How do you know my name?”

Shit. Fuck. Dammit.

You watch helplessly as the cogs turn in his inebriated brain and recognition washes over his face.

“Y/N! It’s you! What do you want from me now, bitch? Trying to take my money now too? Get out of here!” His voice steadily rises in volume and you can feel the walls of your panic closing in on you. Suddenly Jae steps in front of you, arm outstretched to the belligerent man.

“You’re talking to me now. You’re done with her.” Jae holds himself with a confidence that you had only seen from him onstage.

“Just pay for the food and we’ll be going.”

“And who the fuck are you?” Sean spits back, as if Jae were something distasteful that he had found on the bottom of his shoe.

“I’m Jae. Y/N’s boyfriend. Now I’d really love to take Y/N home tonight before it gets too much later. So if you can just pay for your meal, we’ll get going.”

Sean crumples up the bills and throws it into Jae’s chest.

“Good luck with that bitch, kid. You’re gonna need it.” And with that he retreats inside and slams the door shut behind him.

Jae immediately rushes to your side and wraps you in a big hug. Although similar in mechanics to the hug earlier that day, this one was far different in intent. You could feel it in his soul, that hug was meant to squeeze all of the fragmented pieces of you back together again and hold them until they stuck. You can feel your heartbeat slowing to match his and your breathing slowly regulates.

Mollie is gonna have a lot of fun with this one.

Jae escorts you back to the car and there’s a thick silence that you can’t quite bring yourself to cut as he puts the car into drive. You know he is forming his own story of what happened between you and Sean in his head and you can’t tell if that’s better or worse than just reliving it and telling him the whole story- cops and testifying and court and all.

Once out of the neighborhood, Jae heaves a sigh and chuckles a bit.

“Well he seemed lovely.”

“Uh huh. He’s a real peach.”

Jae looks over at you with an expression of dual concern and amused what-the-fucker-y. Did that really just happen?

There is a beat of silence and solid eye contact before you both start cracking up. Unable to restrain yourself any further, you both dissolve into a kind of healing, deep belly laughter that shakes the entire car. Pulling up to your house, Jae throws the car into park and then turns to face you.

“You don’t have to tell me anything, you know? It’s not my business. You’re my business. But asshats like him aren't. Just that I’m around to keep them away from you.”

You sigh deeply, still recovering from the laugh attack, before giving him a brief bulleted list of the sheer shenanigans that Sean had pulled on you all those years ago. You watched as Jae’s face contorted over the course of the story, hardening into yet another study in fierceness that you were yet to see from him.

“I really am okay, though Jae. He had me pretty fucked up for a little bit but honest, I’m okay. I did the therapy, I fought my battles. I just hadn’t done the last closure step of actually looking him in the eye and saying goodbye and good riddance. And I probably never would’ve if it weren’t for tonight.” You reach out and grab his hand instinctively.

“Thank you, Jae. I really appreciate you doing that with me. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”

“You would’ve gotten your ass handed to you is what you would’ve done.” Jae states, deadpan.

“Jaeee!” You laugh, hitting him on the arm.

“Oh, so now you can throw a punch? Okaaay, nice.” This little shit.

Banter aside, Jae takes the key out of the ignition and gathers his things to get out of the car. As he closes the door, you hear him mutter “You need to pick better guys. You’re too great to end up with someone like that.”

You don’t have any kind of answer to that, but you feel a lightness in your chest as his eyes burn into you. Jae walks you to your front door and all you can hear in your head is an echo of Jae’s declaration of “I’m Jae, Y/N’s boyfriend.” Is that what I want?

You end up at your front door far too soon and the twinkling of the helicopters in the sky signals to you that it’s more than time for Jae to go home. Your heart sinks into your stomach at the thought of him leaving and you inwardly groan.

Jae gives you one last hug goodnight and you know before he even releases you that this isn’t enough. Not even nearly. Your feelings, whatever they may be: love, like, general affection, haven’t been correctly quantified and expressed. This has been the best day you’ve had in months, and he was the deciding factor. You were grateful to have him there on your front door step, in his arms. But maybe, just maybe, if you’re able to express to him exactly how you feel about him in this moment, he’ll be able to help you out and translate exactly what this feeling means for your future together. Without thinking about it too much, you retreat from the hug and angle your face up to his so that your noses are almost touching. You sit like this for just a second. That sickening second that would allow him to retreat and tell you you’re an idiot for even thinking it. But he doesn’t retreat. Instead, your lips are brushing against one another in just the barest of whispers of a kiss. His lips are so soft. It’s over in an instant and as the chilly night air cuts between the two of you, you are all too aware of how disproportionately warm your face and neck have become. You smile up at Jae and he carries a similar, if not slightly more shocked, half smile.

As if reading one another’s minds, you both understand that it’s wise to let one another think about the night's proceedings before any further rash decisions are made. In an attempt to preserve the spell of the night sky and the kiss and the chirping cicadas, neither of you say another word to one another but instead exchange content smiles that convey more than a goodnight ever could. With a slight bow of his head and a glide of his hand down the length of your arm, Jae walks backwards down your front steps and slips into the night, shaking his head slightly, trying and failing to conceal his smile. You watch him from the porch as he skips up to his house, before slipping into the warmth of your own home.

...

GIVE IT A LIKE IF YA LIKE

FEEDBACK IS MY LOVE LANGUAGE

#kpop #day6 #day6 jae #park jaehyung #slow burn #fluff #kpop fanfiction #day6 fluff #day6 au #fanfiction #skinny bone jones #friends to lovers

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emoshishi · 4 years ago

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Bibingka // A Short Story About Celebrating Christmas

Quite Unedited

Word Count: I don't know how to copy everything since it would only let me copy one paragraph and I'm too lazy copy and pasting every thing so I could see the word count so....

a/n: this was supposed to be my entry in the creative writing contest our school held weeks ago before we had our sembreak. i haven't got the chance to join because i was too hesitant and a shy bitch. i wrote this originally in Filipino language and in my wattpad account. this is too late to post since christmas was days ago, but oh well. i hope you enjoy this piece of shit lmao.

Some other notes to take:

Lola - A Filipino word which means "Grandma" in English

Pancit - A Filipino dish

Bibingka is a rice cake that came from Indonesia and Philippines

Apo - A Filipino word which means "Grandchild" in English

Ate - Pronounced as 'a-te', a Filipino word which means "Sister" in English. Ate is like "Eonnie" and "Noona" in Korean language. The difference is anyone can use it, to address older women, usually your older sister.

Noche Buena - Filipino Christmas Eve. When it's December 24, and the clock strikes to 12, it means that it's automatically December 25, families celebrate it with having a feast. We also open presents at that time.

Simbang Gabi - Night Mass or Night Worship in English.

The soft sounds of a Christmas song coming from the radio can be heard through the whole living room. While I was arranging the table, Lola Ising come out from the kitchen with a pot of pancit.

With a wide smile plastered on her face, she walked towards me and helped me set up the table.

"Merry Christmas, apo."

I returned her smile and greetings. My grandma's attitude isn't so unusual at all. She's always so lively and energetic despite her age. There's not a time that you will see her angelic smile turn into a frown.

"I wasn't able to see bibingka at any store earlier. I'm sorry if I was unable to buy one." She apologized.

With a soft laugh, I insisted her that it's fine.

She didn't answer me and just smiled again before returning to the kitchen while I continued to work with the table and dishes. These are already enough for us three-- my grandma and I, and my younger sibling, Pao.

My mom passed away several years ago. My father, an ofw, works abroad just to send us money every month. He left a week after my mother was buried. Since then, I didn't see him anymore.

In all honesty, I never felt any rage at him when he left. I was actually sad at first, but I know that he was doing it for my sibling and I. I know that my mother's death caused him so much pain, and I knew he needed time for himself. I understood that, and I am hoping that Pao would, too.

My thoughts were interrupted when grandma placed her hand on my shoulder, asking me to fetch my brother upstairs.

Like what she said, I called Pao and told him we're going to eat. The clock's hands were pointing at 12 A.M. already, signalling that it's already Noche Buena. He cheered gleefully and as we go down, he quickly run towards Lola Ising, and he was enveloped with her comforting arms.

They spend more time together, if I'm going to be honest. Pao was unable to feel my mother's love and care. She died even before she can see and hold him.

That's why I can see why grandma and him click so much. He was taken care of by my grandma that he never even felt once with my mother. It's a pity that they never saw. each other

I catched up with them and prayed before we eat.

Like what I said, our food is only enough for us three. We are scared that the food might turn into waste if we had leftovers. Other than that, we want to make the feast simple.

While eating, my eyes went to observe what's happening outside. The street was almost empty and I couldn't see anyone passing by. From my position, I could see people in their respective houses.

It's sad that having people around is very impossible to do in celebrating the holiday. However, no one wanted this to happen in the first place. All I wish for is for the pandemic to stop.

We finished eating few moments later and cleaned up the table. I was about to wash the dishes but my grandma insisted that she can do it and that I should spend my time with my brother. I couldn't do anything, knowing that she wouldn't let me help her even if I ask too many times, so I followed what she asked me to do.

I went in the balcony and took a seat beside Pao. There, we sat in silence, until he rushed to go inside. I watched him stumble in the stairs a bit and I laughed at his clumsiness. When he go down, I saw him holding a something that is wrapped with a Christmas-themed gift wrapper.

With amusement, I asked him. "What's this?",

He became silent. I frowned and stare at the gift he lend to me. From the way it was wrapped, I can tell that the object was in a square shape. I couldn't exactly tell what it is, since it could be anything.

I ripped the wrapper slowly, making sure that I was careful enough not to rip it entirely because it can still be used for next year. My eyes widened when I saw the familiar album cover of one of my favorite band's album.

"I would notice you stare at it for too long every time we would stop by at the local music store. I figured that it would be a perfect gift for you this Christmas, so I would keep my extra money and save it to buy that."

I smiled so wide that my lips could rip apart, but I was very happy. I wasn't expecting him to buy me one, knowing that he would always gushed something about a toy. It's embarrassing that I didn't even bought a gift.

I pulled him in a very tight hug as tears brimmed my eyes. "Thank you, sweetheart. I'm sorry that I didn't even bought something for you."

He pats my back as he pulled back and I held back my tears that were threatening to fall. "You're the best gift I could ever ask for, ate."

With that, I began to cry. He reached over and wiped away the tears for me. I feel like dying just by letting my brother seeing me cry, thinking that he would think of me as weak. But now, that doesn't really matter.

We just sat there as I calm myself. Once I finally stopped crying, he stood up and gave me one last hug as he scolded me. "I'll go to sleep now. You too, hm? Don't sleep to late!"

I laughed at him and simply nodded.

With my mask on and a sanitizer on my hand, I walked in the street, trying to breathe fresh air. I carefully observed everything as I walk. The streets that were used to be filled up with little kids running and playing around as the night passes by every Christmas eve now are so empty and sad. Families that would host little games and give away presents and monies were now locked up inside their houses. People who would stay up until morning just to talk to their loved ones, drink with their friends and family, are now fast asleep. It feels like the spirit of Christmas isn't there anymore. But what did really change in all these years? Is it the people? Or Christmas itself?

Without noticing, I was already in front of the church. Only few attended the mass because of the virus' threat, and they were already going outside. I could hear them chatter, but the noise died down immediately. Some looks gloomy, while some stayed cheerful. I guess celebrating this occasion really depends on people's perspective. Some may think that it's not fun, some may think that it still is, but I guess that's fine. Besides, we can't really blame people about how they feel.

I decided to stand still there and look at the church. I was just watching the light decorations flicker into different colors. Erasing my negative thoughts, I decided to smile. Regardless of the uncertainty of it being fake or real, I pulled of one. I closed my eyes and breathe deeply,

Everything will be okay, it will be.

Once I opened my eyes, I immediately heard someone calling my name. I looked around and saw a man. Despite of having a mask on his face, I recognize his features, knowing who's behind it. Waving at me, he slowly showed me a plastic bag, mouthing "Bibingka?"-----

It was my dad.

#christmas #short story #filipino tradition

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eruriku · 5 years ago

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hi everyone it’s story time with kari.

okay so i work at a resort in the maldives and with how badly the tourism/hospitality industry has been hit, the owners finally decided to close our resort earlier this month (finally, mercifully - we have been waiting and hoping to close because everyone has been anxious with no work - no guests - and worried about when we could go home or what we’re going to do).

so now the resort is closed. what next? all staff are asked to leave (we are some of the lucky ones where we are still getting paid and most of us are keeping our jobs) and technically we don’t really have a choice.

isn’t it safer to stay here than risk traveling and catching something on the journey home, you ask? you’re right. but again: we don’t have a choice.

next. where to go? my parents are in singapore, my brothers in canada, my nationality is in the philippines and that’s the only place i can legally enter even though i don’t have a house there but can at least stay with relatives. little mercies.

how about japan? my visa is still valid and i have plenty of places i can stay, but unfortunately they’ve suspended all visas indefinitely, which sucks ‘cause i’d much rather prefer japan over the philippines.

pause. why not the philippines? they are second only to indonesia in the number of cases in asia. they’ve not prepared their quarantine facilities and are putting returning filipinos in cargo ships and hotels that are nowhere CLOSE to meeting the quarantine bureau’s standards (and who decided to use ships as quarantine facilities - the department of transportation, NOT medical professionals). while most people speak english, i unfortunately don’t speak fluent tagalog so that might be a bit of a drawback.

do i have a choice? not this time. so let’s go do this.

flashforward to the last few days where the other filipinos here and i have been gathering documents and contacting the embassy asking to be repatriated - i.e. if they can charter a flight to bring us back to the philippines. indonesia is doing it, malaysia did it, other countries are doing it so will the philippines? mercy be, yes they will. so i needed to submit my registration for this flight (date TBC) by 19th April (yesterday) to get a spot on the plane.

but am i sure i want it? no i definitely wasn’t and my mom and dad were asking me to stay and not go to the philippines.

this is why i missed my deadline yesterday. i went back and forth so much, scared of the unknown dirty quarantine facilities and my safety in these places that i didn’t realise there was a 12pm deadline lmffaaooooo and i missed it.

flashforward again to now: the morning after i had a breakdown yesterday evening bc of the panic i went through after confirming i wasn’t on the list for the flight, i’ve called the embassy, i went to HR a few times asking them to help me contact the consulate and the embassy, and at this point i am desperately begging to be on those flights, or at least to be put on the waitlist.

the flight is supposed to be this 25th april, on saturday. i feel so much shame and stupidity for not just filling in the form once and for all and putting myself in this situation.

i don’t want to stay here any longer than i have to and i feel like if i do miss this flight, then i would have done that to myself.

my boyfriend has been really good about keeping me calm and helping me try to stay positive but the only thing i can do now after all these follow ups is wait for them to get back to me by the end of the day after they reshuffle the confirmed list and waitlist. (a few people have cancelled their position on the flight bc there are loads of cases now in Male’ so more people are #scared).

suffice to say this really sucks, i’m overflowing with anxiety, but at this point i’m just trying to do what i can. like i’m not dead right. i still have food and a place to stay here right. i just can’t help but freak out.

but that’s the update. i hope you’re all doing much, much, much better than me.

#notes to myself

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

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887

Numbers, Numbers Everywhere

How old are you? I turned 22 last April.

What day of the month is your birthday? It’s on the 21st. It’s exactly a week after my brother’s birthday and six days before my parents’ anniversary, so April tends to be a hectic month for us. What's the last digit of your phone number? It ends in 5.

What's your favorite number? I don’t pick a favorite number because the idea just doesn’t make sense to me. If someone asked me to pick a number though I always go with 4 just because it reminds me of Beyoncé lol How many bedrooms does your home have? It used to have three but my parents had the balcony renovated and transformed into another bedroom after they realized my siblings and I were all getting older, and that it would be the most appropriate decision to let us have our own rooms.

How many people do you live with? Four people and two dogs. How many exes do you have? I’ve only had one, but we got back together. How long is the song you're listening to? (If you have music going.) Not listening to any music right now but the last song I played a few hours ago was Thick and Thin by LANY, which is 3 minutes and 32 seconds long. What time did you wake up, today? I woke up at 8 AM. I surprised myself today because it meant I had slept for 11 hours, something I don’t remember ever being able to do lol. I was asleep by 9 PM last night because overthinking all day tired me out and also because I didn’t have my afternoon coffee. How many siblings do you have? I have two. I don’t speak to one of them. How many gaming consoles are in your home? We have three consoles that we currently use – PS4, Switch, and my siblings also recently re-unboxed our PS3 to play older games on it. We also have other consoles that we haven’t used in a while but just never thrown out – Wii, DSi, PS2, and two PSPs. How many pets do you have? I have two dogs :) Kimi’s a 12 year old half-aspin half-we never actually figured out what his other breed is, we’re thinking shih tzu? and Cooper is a three month old beagle. How many schools have you attended? Just two. I attended the same school from kindergarten to high school then I went to a different one for college. How old were you when you had your first kiss? (If you've had it.) I was 16, but was turning 17 that year. How many movies have you seen at the cinema this year? Zero. This would be a lot sadder to answer if I loved going to the cinemas, but tbh I only watch movies in the theatres like twice a year so I’m not too bothered. Still, I miss having that option. How many windows does your bedroom have? It has two big windows but each of them have six panes that I can open. How many TVs are in your home? Four. There’s one in the dining room, living room, parents’ room, and brother’s room. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I don’t feel like getting up just to count them. I wanna say around 15-20 pairs. How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Already mentioned this, but 11 hours. That’s a feat for me, considering I’ve only been getting 4-5 hours a night lately. I even wanted to sleep more, but Cooper wanted a playmate and I felt bad. How many inches long is your hair (at it's longest point)? Idk 8, 9 inches? Not good with exact measurements, but the longest it’s been was right above my waist. How many chairs are in your living room? We have an L-shaped couch that can seat five people, which is how big my family is so it’s just the right size for us. We don’t have chairs per se, though we used to a few years ago. How many pairs of sunglasses do you own? Zero. Not a fan of them. How many cell phones have you owned/had? My current one is my 8th. I’ve switched phones so much because I lost them a lot (as a kid) or I broke them a lot (as a teenager). Was never good at taking care of my valuables so my parents made sure that with my iPhone 8, it had the toughest phone case and the thickest tempered glass we could find. I still ended up ruining them both loooool but the phone is still staying strong with me, so at least that’s something. How many apps are on your cell phone? 99. How the fuck do I have that many??? I always just thought I had around 25. I need to clean up my phone, damn. How tall are you? 5′1″. How long have you lived in your current home? 12 years. What percentage is your phone's battery at right now? It’s at 33% right now. I’ve been horrible at charging it lately because I keep unplugging when it hits around 45% so I can use it wirelessly, whoops. How much your home's rent (or mortgage) each month? I’m not sure about the amount; my parents pay for the house. How many surgeries have you had? Zero. How many doors does your home have? 13. How many times did you drink (alcohol) last month? I’m not sure...maybe once or twice? I try to save up my alcohol because I only have five bottles of soju and I don’t think I’ll be getting another set soon. How many pillows are on your bed? Two. How many letters are in your first name? R-o-b-y-n, five. How many times have you been in love? Once. How many pieces of jewelry are you currently wearing? None right now and none for a while. I haven’t had a reason to wear jewelry at home. What is the age difference between you and your significant other? One month and around two weeks. We’re the same age - we went to school together and were part of the same batch. How much cash do you currently have? I have a little over ₱700. It’s the last of my school allowance, aw :( How many contacts are in your phone? A lot. I don’t think my phone has an option to view the total number. How many best friends do you have? Two. How old is your mom? 48, though she’s turning 49 in September. How old is your dad? 49. How many keys do you have (on your keyring/chain or whatever)? Just two – house and car keys. I’d put trinkets on it but I’ve lost the ones I’ve tried hooking onto my keychain.

How many keychains are attached to your keys? ^ How many video games do you own? My best guess would be 50-60. I’d say we have around 15 per console. How many monthly bills do you pay/have? We have the internet, phone, electricity, and water bills, but it’s my parents who pay for them. They also pay for the house and the cars. Until recently we also got monthly bills for our cable subscription, but my dad canceled it after he realized no one in the house watched TV anymore because we’re all on either YouTube or Netflix now. If you get an allowance, how much do you get weekly? My parents gave me ₱2000 a week in college, which would be enough to gas up my car for the next five days, feed myself in school, and have one or two nights out with friends. It used to be ₱1000 but that was super little and I used to starve myself in school, and for the longest time I had just been too shy to tell my parents to increase my allowance. If you have a job, how much do you earn (hourly)? No job yet. What is your town/city's population? (You might need to look that one up.) A little less than 780,000.

How long have you lived in the town you currently live in? More or less 20 years. We only lived in Manila until I was 1. How long have you lived in the state/province you currently live in? Again, 20 years. Manila is in a different region from where I currently reside. How long have you been with your significant other? (if taken) A little over four years. How long were you with your most recent ex? (if you have one) My only ex is also my SO, and during our first relationship we were together for eight months. How many blind dates have you been on? Zero. Not for me. How many email addresses do you have (that you use)? Three. I have two Gmails and one Outlook, but the last one I barely use anymore. How many times have you traveled outside of your home country? Three. The first was a joint vacation to Singapore and Malaysia; the second was a trip to Indonesia; the third was a cruise that involved three countries, but we flied to China because that’s where the ship was stationed. How many times do you usually sneeze in a row? Four or five at most. But that doesn’t happen a lot. Usually I’d only sneeze once. What time is it right now? 5:22 PM.

#survey #surveys

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enchantedjordan · 5 years ago

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♫♪ Don't you disrespect me little man, don't you derogate or deride ♫♪

Jordan relished the time she got alone in the library. The late nights hunched over laptop, either catching up on whatever fanfiction she had bookmarked or writing up her own. It calmed her, made her feel warm inside. Despite the fact it was still writing, it wasn’t writing she had to follow rules for, she was working with pre-made characters in a pre-made world.

All Jordan had to do was write.

But tonight was different. Annisa, a girl from Indonesia Jordan had been talking to online for a few months had totally ghosted. No contact for nearly a week and no reasoning why. It was driving her insane. Had she done something wrong?

Her face lit blue from her screen, Jordan tried to push her shoulders down, relieve some of the stress that sat up there.

And then her brother had posted those old pictures on Facebook, of Jordan in the pool. Days before her accident. The caption saying how cool she was, how graceful she was, how much potential she had. Past tense. What was she to him now? Her family didn’t even pretend to care about her writing anymore, they just smiled and nodded. And, God, it hurt.

Her hands gripping tight around the edge of the table and eyes clenched shut as if preparing for some kind of blow, Jordan’s heart leaped.

A sound rang in her ears, not the music that seemed to be everywhere nowadays, but voices, deep in the back of her head. Her family pretending to care about the things she liked, all the other girls on the swim team blocking on her Instagram when she turned ‘weird’, her coach sounding so disappointed that she’d never swim again.

She just wanted something that was hers. Jordan wasn’t a person; she was an interest. What was she without Harry Potter? Who had she been without swimming? What neurotic obsession was going to be next? Why couldn’t she just be person, why was she always something?

And her brother always told her that. How before she was stronger, smarter,cooler, better.

He’d laugh it off, frame it as some kind of sibling banter. But Jordan never laughed.

Something hot ran up her spine, all the way behind her eyes.

“Don’t you disrespect me, little man! Don’t you derogate or deride,” shehissed, shooting up from her seat. The room was cold, empty. She could feeleyes on her. Her parents. Her brother. Her classmates. Herself.

“You’re in my world now, not your world. And I got friends on the other side.”

Jordan turned on her heels, facing blackness as if she was facing an endless corridor. Something she’d find in Hogwarts.

‘She’s got friends on the other side,’ someone echoed from the nothingness and Jordan couldn’t help but swallow hard. “A little parlor trick, don’t worry,” she mumbled to no one.

Shaking herself out of her stupor, Jordan walked, nothing appearing around her no matter how much she moved.

Then, suddenly, there was something else in the back of her mind.

“The cards, the cards, the cards will tell…” the nothingness called.

“The past, the present and the future as well,” Jordan sang back, eyes racing around in hopes something, someone, anything would appear.

“The cards, the cards, just take three. Take a little trip into your future with me…”

________________

Jordan faced a young man. He was tall, his dirty blonde hair pushed off his face and wearing a well-worn Ohio Bobcats uniform. She

“Now you, young man, are from across the sea, you come from two long lines of royalty.” She circled the man, translating the words in American Sign Language as she did.

“Your lifestyle’s high but your funds are low.” Jordan stopped in front of him, dragging out the sign for ‘low’ as long as she could, watching his eyes follow her hands down. His face remained emotionless.

“You need to marry a little honey who’s daddy got dough.”

Jordan cocked an eyebrow. “Mom and dad cut you off, huh, playboy?”

Something flashed in front of Jordan’s eyes, filling up the dark. Her brother, the fights he’d get into with their parents, the girl from the hockey team, the engagement, the threats of deterring his application to Ohio University, the shotgun wedding. All while Jordan had locked herself in her room and moped and read herself away into a new personality.

She could’ve done something to help.

Or he could’ve gone to her. He could’ve asked how she was. No one did anything.

Jordan shook the image away as quickly as it came.

“Now y'all better get hitched but hitching ties you down. You just want to be free, hop from place to place.”

Turning away from her not-quite-brother, Jordan found herself in front of another blank yet familiar face. Her own.

“But in your future the you I see,” Jordan sang out to the mirror image of her face, hand extended, “Is exactly the you you always wanted to be…”

________________

“Hey! Kid!”

Jordan startled forward, turning herself around as quick as she could. It was just the librarian. That’s right, she was finishing up that chapter…

“The library is meant to be a quiet place, if you want to sing and monologue you can go to the choir rooms,” the librarian scolded before turning back to the shelf across from her.

Jordan scurried to pick up her things as quickly as she could, her heart racing fast. She did her best to stay positive as much as she could. And she loved her brother, and he loved her. The Stern family were ride of die. Where the hell did all of that come from?

It was just late, that was all. And she was over thinking things. It was stupid.

As she headed out of the room, the strange echo in the back of her head faded away with a final cry.

“You got what you wanted. What you want’s what you get.”

#event. the glee std #parisianartistic #// i said 'time to retcon anything ive ever said about her brother for the sake of angst whoops'

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steve0discusses · 6 years ago

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Yugioh S3 Ep20-21: Everyone's Gonna Die For Like the 3rd Time

So a few days ago I kinda tossed my phone at my bro and I was like “listen, it’s dead, don’t ask why this has happened, but I can’t get it to boot. I don’t even want to deal with it right now. I’m so over it. You fix it.” And so he fixes it by doing a factory reset and was like “so...what happened?” and I was like “I can’t say right now, it is too embarrassing.”

So, keep that story in the back of your mind as we go into this episode.

It’s a Final Threat like a Final Fantasy sort of meaning of the word Final, I see.

Anyways, a review:

Anyways, Noah has a superpower now that uses these pink balls of power. There’s only 6 of them, so it’s not quite Dragonball, unfortunately. They have some writing on them but I don’t know enough Duolingo to tell you what it is right now.

Especially since I kind of stopped using Duolingo a few months back, so now all of my limited Hiragana and few scattered kanji are gone forever. Thanks brain, glad I spent like a year trying to learn that. Domo. What I tried to go and do in order to read half my twitter feed.

YEP. THAT’S RIGHT.

Yugioh broke my freakin phone.

So anyways, I tried doing a reverse image search on my PC, which is how I got Calligraphy up there. Which I realllllly don’t think is uh...the word. Then, by using a handwriting reading website I got “to fight”, but because I have pretty BAD handwriting in English even, and because I don’t know the order of strokes for really any kanji at all, that was the only one I could find.

If y’all know Japanese, I’d be very curious as to what these are. It’s probably related to something vaguely religious as that’s been Noah’s MO this whole game.

And yes, now that my phone works again, I could just try and re download Google Translate, and give it another go, but this image might actually be cursed, as is Yugioh tradition.

(read more under the cut)

But before we do anything in this upcoming duel, Pharaoh wants to make sure to immediately tell Noah he’s a freakin weirdo as quickly as possible.

Noah is not that surprised. I mean Noah is a computer brain that’s been isolated for 6 years before going cray, he does not care if Yugi thought he were the king of England. Which Yugi was once in a spinoff game, the King of England.

We get a little explanation as to why Noah has such a God Complex (without playing a single God card, ironically) in that he likes to play this rare deck that Pegasus made that I guess Kaiba and Yugi sort of forgot about? I don’t blame them, I would also try to forget about this deck.

I like that no matter where Pegasus travels, he puts on that same Banana Republic khaki white-person uniform and just marches out there. The same outfit he wears digging in Egypt is the same outfit he wears visiting Indonesia or India or Canada wherever this is.

This is probably somewhere famous, but I don’t recall it off the top of my head, forgive me. There are a lot of massive relief sculptures in Asia.

Anyways, after that one travel through the vaguely East/South East, Pegasus had a *phase.*

Now listen, I don’t really think it’s my job as a reviewer to say if shoving vaguely religious/mythical/cultural iconography into playing cards is a good idea or a bad idea, because that’s been talked to death in a million other articles you can just go and read. Every art piece has it’s own reason to exist, and every artist is their own person with their own unique life experience. I have had to sit through so much weird ass installation art and avante garde performance art, that I have learned solely one thing about art critique. I am not art Jesus. I cannot save a piece, I cannot condemn a piece. So, I will not throw down, and I will not prop up--unless of course it is weird little shorts on your main villain matched with long black golfing socks--but I am allowed to say--

...huh?...

Remember how about ten or so episodes ago I was like, low key a little confused that it appeared like Yugioh was waltzing casually into religion territory? Remember how I was like “dude do they realize this is a reference to Lazarus? Like, they’re saying Kaiba could have been THE Lazarus?” Remember when I thought that was a big deal?

Well, Yugioh turned to itself and was like “hold my beer” and then just straight up outdid itself in so many weird ways. And don’t get me wrong, most of these cards are overall fine, nothing really all that shocking, but still like...

...OK, kid’s show. I’m sure all the children in the audience understood the references in this 100%.

Also, the fact that Noah is like “I turned to somewhat religious deities from antiquity to fight your ass” is kind of funny when you recognize he’s fighting a literal Pharaoh who has like 2000 of them of them under his belt already (counting himself). Like, nice job, Noah, you got like...12 in that deck? Congrats.

Anyway, Noah and his slightly problematic deck gets thrown by a bunch of Yugi’s cards and then Noah just plops right out of this giant dude. Or dudette. I didn’t really catch the gender on the Seraphim that is actually a fairy card. But, it was like Noah was being birthed for a second time. Well, third time, if you count when he was reborn as a robot.

So long story short, now he’s a boy again.

Noah had the foresight to put his clothes back on before he fell out of this gigantic robot god thing who’s name I’ve forgotten. A shame, it would’ve been a good gag to just see how long it takes Noah to realize he’s ass naked when he’s a robot who has no sense of touch. Or...body.

Anyways, Yugi’s friends immediately start doing what they do best, which is to trashtalk the other team so badly that it would get you tossed out of most sporting events. It backfires on them not just once but...several times, and I’m telling you, it is surprising that they never actually learned in this entire episode that all they ever had to do was shut their mouth and stop backseating.

But apparently, it’s courageous to catcall your opponent. Its a sign of undying friendship as per Yugioh law.

Anyways, we’re gonna get death 169 this episode, so stop scrolling right now and then think to yourself--who’s it gonna be. Who’s gonna be death 169?

Some of you (all of you) might know this show by heart but for those who haven’t (none of you), this’ll be our little interactive portion.

OK, here we go.

YESSSSS HE FINALLY DIED.

I knew that if I kept saying “Duke will die next” that eventually the dice fall in my favor. It took like 5 or 6 deaths before this actually happened, but can I say “called it?” Is that allowed? I’m gonna say “called it” and pretend that I called this.

Although, unfortunately, I did not call everything.

Wow, Tristan won the shipping wars! All of them! He’s death 169! So NICE!

I did not predict that at all, I honestly thought that 169 would be Duke, and Bro thought it would be Kaiba. We were both so wrong.

It makes sense though. Like he is the littlest horny monkey here. He deserves 169.

Anyway, then the sad stuff starts piling up. Just like so much sadness at once. Yugioh does not pace sadness like, at all, so you never get a chance to grieve since so many deaths are back to back in this show. And by back to back I mean, they play only one round of cards in between each death.

The writing team was so excited to kill everyone off, that it was the fastest rounds of cards I’ve ever seen this show play. We should tempt them with killing off their core cast more often.

So, seeing that half of his friends have been cursed with an eternity of being brain dead and living out their existence half alive in this weird digital universe, Pharaoh starts to doubt everything about his own abilities.

How weird is it to solve your ghost’s existential crisis when you’re trapped in some VR world he shouldn’t be able to exist in anyway?

But youknow, Pharaoh does this sometimes. Sometimes Pharaoh just gets really anxious if not enough people are telling him “It’s OK, Pharaoh, you’re basically a God. You already died once even so how could it possibly be worse? You’ll probably be OK!”

It’s the typical Yugi meltdown that accompanies every Yugi duel, except Pharaoh style, so it’s lower pitched and his hair is a little bit taller.

Noah tries to take advantage of this lapse of confidence, but Pharaoh’s melt down isn’t quite enough to make him quit a game.

Again, Noah seems constantly shocked that all of Kaiba’s friends and Kaiba himself are just incapable of putting cards down and walking away. This is like the 4th time he’s begged these kids to just stop and they just kept going.

And then, it’s time for the romance of the ages that we completely forgot existed. That’s right, shippers rejoice, YugixTea is back on the table, and it’s entirely because everyone else is dead.

Show, can you even be bothered? Like I feel so bad for y’all who shipped the canon ship because they just...forgot about y’all like...a lot.

But don’t worry, it’s still very vague, and instead of giving any sort of sentimental dialogue, Tea is just going to tear into Noah like a yummy sandwich.

Also, Tea thinks that Pharaoh has control over turning people to stone, that’s a weird thing she thinks now.

I mean for all I know, he can totally do this. Why the hell not? Go ahead, Yugioh. Surprise me.

And then...Noah just kept her alive a little longer?

I know that he was turning people into stone every turn but did I hear that wrong or did he seriously take a turn longer to freeze Tea, just to spite her?

What is it with the Kaiba’s and Tea? I make jokes that she’s the Mom of this mess of a family, but even Noah let her live way longer than anyone else here.

He got over it, though.

And then Pharaoh decided to die.

Like he wasn’t actually dead, he was just low on lifepoints, and was like....that’s it. I’m done. Goodbye world. It was a good couple of years that I haunted the Hell out of everybody through this weird, very strange child. See you next Millennium.

And then he just kind of took a nap.

Like canonically, Pharaoh just took a nap in the middle of this duel. He is out for like...kind of a while.

Pharaoh melt-downs are kind of the worst because they do seem to involve him completely shutting down. At least in this game, he isn’t lying completely flat on his face, as I have seen him do in a duel before.

PS How does this work?

I know I’m not supposed to think about it, and I’ve held back on talking about it for 20 episodes but like...Noah uploaded the mind of Yugi. Not Pharaoh.

Pharaoh’s mind is attached to Yugi through the puzzle...but the puzzle is not attached to the computer in any way. While Yugi’s brain now has a labyrinth problem, that doesn’t mean that Pharaoh would even be here. He is a magical ghost attached to Yugi’s body which is Not Actually Here.

So like...how is this happening?

Can you seriously trap Pharaoh here in this realm? You can’t, right? Like it isn’t possible, he’s the only one who’s not ever actually here in the first place.

Like...Pharaoh should be able to just wake up in the pod, open the door, and walk right out of there, just like he did with Bakura in Season 1 when Yugi got turned into a playing card. Mind you, in Season 1, Yugi’s soul was dislodged and not his brain, but this just seems like a little bit of a retcon.

I have already thought about this more than the people who made this kid’s show, so I’ll let it go, but this is one of those things I have to try real hard not to think about because...

...if Noah has full control of all their brain functions and projects images on to their brain via hallucinations, then how can they hallucinate anything else? How can you pass out and have dreams?

Which doesn’t matter of course--this doesn’t matter to the plot really, as this is a kid’s show and so just go with it--but I have been thinking about this in the background for 20 episodes and this is where I kind of couldn’t ignore it anymore because we’re gonna dive into some hella weird territory, get ready.

So anyways, Yugi comes down like some sort of cherubic angel and it was very hammy and legit pretty funny I mean look at this.

If this were Sailor Moon, Yugi would be ass naked and have huge, beautiful fairy wings covered in holographic glitter and cherry blossoms.

I’d normally just put in a picture of the infamous last episode of Sailor Moon I’m referring to in order to make this joke complete, but knowing Tumblr I’d be flagged in like two milla-seconds because this blog gets flagged KIND OF A LOT FOR A RECAP BLOG OF A KID’S SHOW, but just google it for yourself and bear with me here cuz like,

These two?

Same energy.

I see this image and I can immediately hear that woodwind just bounce off the back of my brain. It’s like conditioned in me although I allllways skip the intro.

So in this dream/literal brain world reality that they’re walking through, despite being in a digital world, Yugi has stuffed some hand selected hallucinations that seem to have like...a personality embedded into each.

So...Yugi can just create clones in his head that act like he remembers his friends act.

Really interesting superpower there.

And yes, this does mean that Pharaoh not only has no long term memories, he flat out refuses to check on his short term data as well. He is just acting purely on a margarita mix of impulse and anxiety. He is such a freakin mess.

I can’t believe this guy went on a date once.

And like, of course this is all a metaphor for how even if your friends can’t be with you physically, their memory is enough to push you forward when you’re feeling all alone. It’s a nice moral of the story, it’s just that it’s a little spooky when it’s literal.

So yeah, Yugi has a fake Kaiba at all times just flinging insults at him from within his own mind. It’s one thing to say you got the voice of all your rivals, friends, and parents pressuring you in the back of your mind, but to literally have them always stowed there, trapped together in the back of your mind is...that’s very Yugi.

This kid needs so much help.

PS nice little frosting on the cake that that he does not store any family members in the short term memory zoo exhibit. Sorry Gramps, you were uninvited from this show in S2 when Bakura knocked you unconscious and you fell off screen and then we just...forgot to ever check up on you ever again.

I’m sure Gramps is probably fine.

DON’T THINK ABOUT IT, GUYS.

I keep thinking about it and it never comes full circle. Just--the hearts of our dead friends are in these cards, although the friends we were just talking to were absolutely fake people that Yugi has copy-pasted into his clip board in his brain hut. Also, these cards were drawn before they would have given him these cards so they didn’t...actually give him cards. They just...lodged their hearts in there real good.

Although their minds are trapped in a weird rock state and their bodies are trapped in some pods...their hearts are good to go wherever.

It doesn’t matter, in the end, Yugi played a bunch of different moves--I want to say like all six cards in the longest and most complicated Yugioh turn in the history of the Earth--in order to finally end Noah.

I can’t have nice things.

Speaking of, I forgot to mention the most tragic death of this episode.

He may have been resurrected, but his soul was deffo disconnected with his body, or at least my PAD data (during Monster Hunter fest even) and all of my pictures and videos are gone. My auto correcting is also really effed up now, and it’s been auto correcting in kind of...really offensive ways...and I have no idea why because it’s only been rebooted for like...2 days. So it’s almost like my phone got resurrected as an evil person or something like it got Marik’d or something. Either way, I had a fun time explaining some texts at work that my dumbass phone decided were a cool idea.

The things I do for this side blog.

Anyway, if you just got here, this is a link where you can read these from the start in chrono order.

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lololollywrites · 6 years ago

Text

thoughts about being 29 on the internet that i just had in the shower...

...and had to write down. they were all basically just about how f**king - NEW. and surreal. the internet, its capabilities, and its fandoms can still be to me sometimes. i feel like i forget this a lot. but when i think about it, i can easily recall my wonder at discovering that it all existed in waves of smaller finds. and because i know there are others like me, i thought i’d share some of my own experiences. because honestly, i’ve had fewer years on tumblr and sites like it than some people much younger than me. i’m catching up and enjoying it.

firstly, i know i’m old to some of you, but i’m not really old. not really. i’m still a millennial, screwed over by student loans and old white men and viewed as part of the technological generation. i’m a phd student, and because i’m always on a college campus, i’ve been mistaken as a freshman. a few times. but it’s been fascinating to witness actual freshman and other college students and consider just how different things are for them and honestly? i’m sort of jealous.

because...

i can remember when i first discovered that fanfiction existed. i was in third period tech skills as a junior in high school - 16 years old - and got a little off-topic and searched for spoilers for a new supernatural episode. this was in 2005 and the show had just come out (yes i still watch, i can’t escape).

and what did i find? somehow? fanfiction.net. i was, no exaggeration, shocked. i sat and read a full-length chaptered fic in episodic format. my mouth was hanging open. i saw thousands more fics in hundreds of fandoms and suddenly felt less strange for envisioning full-scale episode re-imaginings in my head as i laid in bed, dissatisfied with what i had just watched. (btw, i watched new supernatural episodes the sunday after they used to originally air on the wb on thursdays, at my mom’s house where i had my own room and own tiny tv, because no one at my dad’s house wanted to watch and streaming episodes wasn’t something i could even imagine. plus i didn’t have internet at my dad’s house. i know.)

not only that, but i was impressed as hell. here was me, not even aware that you could somehow upload your own text to the internet, and people were not simply writing polished stories in private but posting them somewhere that allowed for chapters. that allowed for people all over the world to read their words. that categorized everything into a huge virtual library. and, most incredibly to me, that allowed for reviews from people around the world.

i couldn’t believe that this new world was open to me. that people would be so generous as to offer amazing stories to me to read FOR FREE. that i had a limitless supply of content to read and review. i barely had functioning internet at home, so i had been sheltered. i told the people sitting next to me in class about it and encouraged them to check it out, mostly to blank stares. i may have even told the teacher, but no one cared. i didn’t understand. who wouldn’t be interested? i told my dad and my sister about it when i got home from school. i was mind-blown.

months in and many reads and written reviews later, i wrote my first fic. it was for smallville. 6 chapters, with updates every few days, that received 14 reviews in total. i read them all multiple times. i showed my sister. i checked the story stats every half hour. i cried. i wrote on the family computer secretly in the evening when most of my family had gone upstairs, because i was about half a year away from owning my first laptop. i wrote more stories sporadically for about 6 years, gradually getting better, but also gradually becoming more stressed and aware of negativity, online arguments, and the embarrassment and shame i suddenly felt about having an online presence. i found a supernatural forum at tv.com (the forums sadly no longer exist), learned about fandom, and immersed myself in posting and being part of a community that i thought understood me more than my friends. like a secret life.

during my first year of college, in 2007, i was in a friend’s dorm when he asked everyone if we wanted to watch an episode of scrubs. i laughed. surely he was joking. “how can we just watch an episode? it’s not on now and you don’t have the dvds.” i literally didn’t consider that there may have been a way. he excitedly told us that he had found some website that had episodes just... pre-uploaded. and that you could just click. i didn’t believe him. the stress of having to be at the tv at a certain time each week for fear of missing an episode entirely and forever was just part of being a fan, right? buying the tv guide and checking listings was necessary. but he found the episode. and clicked. it only took a few full minutes to load and there it was. again, i was astounded. this memory is so shockingly clear to me. it changed how i spent much of my free time, for one. just that moment.

sometime during this first year of college, i was home for break and came across a video on youtube, this new website i had started to use. it reminded me of ebaum’s world, which my friend would show me at her house sometimes because her computer was faster than mine. it was called “cat soup”, and by two guys that called themselves smosh. it had more views than i could comprehend - probably not much more than 5 digits, but still. they were just two kids i could have gone to school with who could create a funny video and get famous. again, i was shocked. mind-blown.

i showed my sister, my mom, and all my friends. they appreciated it a bit more than the fanfiction, but no one seemed to grasp how incredible and revolutionary it was. they all liked “shoes”, with the kelly persona by liam kyle sullivan (we still quote it today), probably because its budget and effects made it a bit more familiarly professional and it appeared less homemade (though it definitely was). but i couldn’t forget smosh. i was so impressed by them. i watched more videos and eventually found communitychannel and jenna marbles and eviliguana and shane dawson. i even found fan edits for my faves, buffy (maybe i saw one of phil’s, lol) and supernatural and smallville, and tried making my own. i freaked in 2009 or so when fred reached a million subscribers. a million. i couldn’t wrap my head around that. again, i told my sister and friends, expecting them to see the enormity of something so crazy happening, and they just... didn’t.

back in 2008, after watching “stick it” again, i recalled the name of a gymnast my cousin used to always talk about when we were kids - from the 1996 olympics - and looked her up on youtube. i realized that all gymnastics competitions imaginable had been uploaded. again - not to be repetitive - but i was shocked. there’s no better word. i gave myself a thorough education on the sport, traveling through time. i am still so grateful that i was able to do that.

sometime in 2009, my friends started pestering me to create a facebook account. i was a junior in college. 20 years old already. it sounded weird - pictures of me online? why? but i gave into pressure and made one. my mom had never allowed us to make a myspace; we were a bit young, and she hated the idea (now, she’s on facebook more than i am). around the same time i got my fanciest phone yet - an LG Env3. i figured out that it could access the internet and that i could use songs to create ringtones. again, sufficiently mind-blown. considering my first cell phone had been a flip phone with no camera that i shared with my sister during emergencies when i was 13, i felt that technology was coming along fast.

smart phones were foreign to me for a long long time, until recently actually. i thought they were unnecessary for quite a while. i don’t even remember what phones i had at the end of college and through grad school, but i’m pretty sure they consisted of a series of cheap pay-as-you-go phones from walmart. in 2013, i went to china for a year to teach. i got a cheap phone there and used it for about 7 months. one day, a friend of mine gave me his old htc smartphone because he was getting a new one. i didn’t know how to use it, but i played one app on repeat before class and snapped some low-quality photos. after that, i almost immediately went to indonesia for another 9 months to teach high school (2014-2015). the htc phone died very quickly, so i used the nokia brick phone given to me by the organization. it was fine. i had never even used my old smartphone to access the internet, aside from wechat, thanks to china’s internet blocks. it wasn’t until i got home, in the summer of 2015, that i finally got an iphone. it was a huge deal and a big learning curve. it was also around this time that i found dan and phil and tumblr. i only got my macbook two years ago and finally think i have some things figured out.

so i may be old in some ways and remember floppy disks and the card catalog and using encyclopedias to write my middle school papers and huge computers with black screens and green text that displayed math problems in elementary school. i may be able to remember the sound of ancient, huge printers that used reams of paper with perforated, tearable strips down each side. i may remember aol red, dial-up, and not being able to connect if someone was on the phone. but i can also remember watching technology evolve in front of me, discovering fandom and the huge world of content and friendship that lay ahead. and when people try to say i’m too old to like dan and phil, i remind them that dan and phil can also remember. we’re the same age. i relate to them and their stories. to phil’s buffy obsession. to dan’s love of smosh. i’ve only had about 10 fully-cognizant years here on the internet, and only a couple in the world of tumblr and iphones and mobile apps. i’m young in those ways. and i look young enough that strangers sometimes think i’m a teenager.

that’s laughable to me in some ways, because i’ve lived so much since my teen years. so much has happened. but in others, i don’t feel much different. there’s no age where you just feel grown up. that your interests vanish. that things suddenly seem childish and dumb. yes, i cringe about some things i wrote or did back then and i think i’ve matured, but my interests are all still relatively similar and i can finally explore them in ways that i just couldn’t before.

i hope that this has made sense. and i hope that some can relate.

#fandom #text post #sorry about this #i had to get it out #stories #me #dan and phil #kind of #well i mention them

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perdizzion · 7 years ago

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I just happen to stumbled upon ur account and saw that you'll be quitting med school. I have a dilemma that I want to share with someone. Im a newly enrolled first yr med student and classes just started a week before. But I'm starting to form some doubts whether I really want to be a doctor or not. Its not that I cant handle the academics its just that do i really see myself being a doctor in the future and actually feel happy about it.

I dont even know if being a doctor is my dream anymore or just my parent’s.

Hiya! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, anon! I don’t know if my answer will help you or not, but I will try to do my ABSOLUTE BEST to reply!!

Ok so. Med school. Tricky stuff. I’ll tell you a little bit about my background and what I’m up to right now to give you a Good Feel about how things are going after the decision I’ve taken and whatnot.

I got into med school about 4 and a half years ago, and like any student who worked their asses off for their desired universities’ entrance exams, I was beyond ecstatic when I found out that I had gotten in. I started attending lectures, group discussions, student projects, and for the first few years, I felt like hey, I think I can actually do this! The exams were pretty tough, I can’t say I liked pharmacology and neurology, but I passed just fine and so I thought that things were going to be fine.

[Narrator voice] things were, in fact, not fine.

I started having doubts around..3rd year, I think? Everything just started to become so dull no matter how much free time I was using to do my hobbies (drawing and doing art in general) and I think that was when my depression started to really rear its ugly head. I started to miss classes, isolate myself from my friends, stay in bed all day, and the only people that had kept me sane were my family and a few close friends of mine telling me to take care of myself when I was too depressed to do so. I tried thinking about whether I’ll be happy being a doctor in the future, and then I noticed that I couldn’t even imagine myself in a white coat, working in a clinic and talking to a patient.

This is when I finally realized that all this time, my wanting to go to med school wasn’t even because it was my dream. It was my parents’.

I struggled a lot to get through some of the days, but I managed to keep up the facade in front of my uni friends until I finished 4th year and received a “degree”. (In Indonesia, finishing 4th year of med school grants you a “bachelor of medicine” though you can’t really use it for anything yet until you’ve finished 2 more years of clerkship and get a “dr” in front of your name).

Clerkship happened after 4th year. If I had to use one word to describe clerkship, it would be hellish. I don’t know if this is how it works in every country, but in Indonesia, clerkship demands med students to attend hospital shifts with inhuman amount of working hours. We had to do 36 hour shifts every twice a week, and 9 hour shifts every other day. This might sound pretty light to some people, but it was super tough for me what with the amount of additional assignments and exams that we still had to do during our rotations.

After 2 months of clerkship, my depression grew so much worse to the point where my best friend (bless her heart) had to call me almost everyday to help me sleep at night because the thoughts in my head wouldn’t leave me alone. Finally, I called my sister who lives in a different city to fly to where I was living in to take me to see a psychiatrist. It didn’t help because my doctor was super shitty about my condition (“all med students experience depression at one point because med school is just that hard, don’t worry, I’ve been there”) but I did take the meds. And I was planning to carry on with clerkship, until one day the meds gave me orthostatic hypotension (it was one of the side effects of the drug that I was taking) and I fainted in the middle of a surgery. When my mom (who lives in another city) found out about this, she was livid. She flew to my place right on that exact same day to take care of me, though she hadn’t known about my depression yet at the time.

The next day, I told her everything. Like, everything. About how med school had truly been stressing me out, about how I didn’t feel like med school was the right place for me anymore, about how clerkship had been making me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit because the doctors kept yelling at me, about how clerkship had also been making me realize that I wasn’t good with patients and that their lives are literally in my hands and that a single mistake could lead to their death and how I could never live with that much guilt in my life, about how I was so tired of being too sleep-deprived to properly function everyday, let alone to stitch a patient’s cut-up hand back together.

I told her that I wanted to quit. And so I did.

And you know what? It feels amazing.

I’ve been sleeping regularly for the past few months. I get to draw everyday now, and still make money out of doing commissions. I interact with my family a lot more and I don’t check up on them only when I need them to transfer me some money to buy food. I eat three meals a day like a normal human being and it feels so, so good. I applied for a scholarship so I could earn a Master’s degree in biomedicine abroad (it’s not art school, which is where I actually want to go to, but it’s not med school either so I’ll take it), I passed the first stage and now I’m just trying to do my best to pass the next two stages so I could get a full-ride.

Things are okay. Things are good.

Things haven’t always been good, of course. People tell me that I was “so close to reaching my dreams!”, that my parents “must be so shattered to hear that you wanted to quit!”, that I am just “wasting away my potential.” My grandparents called me a disappointment a few weeks ago while telling me that I should just give up on my scholarship application and go back to med school. My dad told me that he wished I could “go back to the way I was and be happy again.” My mom cried multiple times. It hasn’t been easy on my mental health, but honestly? Fuck it. Fuck every single guilt-trip that my parents have had to put me through. Fuck everyone at uni who’s been spreading false rumors about how I quit med school because “I got cancer” or “I got knocked up.”

I absolutely hated how the doctors did anything back in the hospital. The rich patients got immediate treatment, and the poor got dismissed. The mentally ill were mocked behind closed doors, and med students were treated like trash. Rooted seniority where the senior doctors hazed junior doctors were still a thing (in Indonesia, at least). Literally everyone in the hospital had a superiority complex and I fucking hated it. Neither my parents nor my grandparents will have to be the ones to experience this on a daily basis for years though, so fuck outta here with your negative comments about my decision.

I quit med school because I did it for me, and only me.

This is by no means supposed to scare you away from med school just so you could jump into my bandwagon, heck no. I’m telling you this because nobody told me that this could be a possibility. Everybody I knew kept telling me that the only thing you’ll need to succeed med school is firm determination and hard work, and while that may be true for some people, I required a lot more than that, like a stable mental health, a good support system, etc. I failed to meet these requirements, and so everything turned into a shipwreck for me. My other friends, however, who were well-prepared with all of these, are managing to continue med school just fine.

That being said, this answer is definitely supposed to make you think about your decision more thoroughly. One of the most often things that people tell me post-med school is that “you should’ve quit earlier if you hadn’t liked it; it would’ve saved you a lot of time.” I hate the fact that I agree with this. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve still had time to search for a school that was more relevant to my interests and start over from a blank slate. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve been able to graduate from a new school and earn an actual proper job by now so I could help my parents out with our finance. Of course, my parents would’ve been way more harsh on me if I had told them that I wanted to quit so early on, but if you own the privilege of having parents that would genuinely and willingly listen to you, please talk about it with them. I had a friend who quit med school around a few months before 1st year ended; he’s in business school now and from what I’ve heard, he’s pretty happy with where he is right now.

Whew, that was long. I swear I didn’t mean for it to be this long!! Let me know if any of that helped or if you just want to talk off anon with me in general! I know firsthand how this kind of dilemma can eat you up whole, and it’s not a fun experience, so just hmu if you want to chat

Have a nice day!!

#THIS GOT SO LONG OMG LKSDJFSD IM SO SORRY #I GOT CARRIED AWAY #i just....really wanted to explain everything as descriptive as possible #so i could help at least a little bit #aAAA #anonymous #answers

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mnovenia · 7 years ago

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A CUP OF SOUP

Since I moved here to the Netherland, I love the fact that I can find an instant soup (my favourite ever, but was too expensive back then in Indonesia) in a very cheap price. Not until this point, when I’ve been having cold and eating it almost 3 times a day.

I do appreciate everything God has offered here.. It’s more than a month already, and I still don’t get enough of the city’s prettiness, new cultures, cool autumn/winter outfits, different foods I found in supermarket, a whole new life perspective, a taste of living the dream and new friendship.

But of course as the time goes by, I do miss things back home. Especially when things get tougher, like struggling with the weather. I know it’s inevitable, and I should just deal with it. Courses and assignments demand more of my time and attention. People embarrassed me by speaking Dutch and I have no idea why, look down to me because I’m not white. And when nobody back home seems like care, my own father never even ask how am I doing, he sometimes texts in the group just shared about his own interest, which I find weird and embarrassing. Speaking about him has always made me holding grudges and left so much pains in my heart somehow. I just don’t understand and feel disappointed.

And again thinking about all these things, it’s like I have no option but force me to be strong all the time, no matter what, because this is the road I chose, and so I have to be responsible for the rest of the journey.

Of course it’s tiring to think about that. Like I can’t miss a thing, I can’t make mistake, I have to stand up all the time for whatever reason because I have no ‘backup’ and no one would care for me.

To the point when I realise that I can’t be strong all the time, and it’s useless to be intense in everything, and it’s purposeless if I do it all just for my own sake. I forgot that, dude, it’s not your life, you’ve crucified with Christ, so it is His life that you own by now.

But God, I always hesitate to be honest with you. To reveal my weaknesses to you, to admit that I miss my mom, I need to feel loved, I’m afraid that I can’t get things done and I’m just as weak as any other human creation.

And the words of God says: RELAX! Do not be anxious, do not be afraid, for I am with you, do not be discourage, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10

So here I am, in my bed. God allows me to feel sick, right now. It’s the time when He demands my focus to look up to Him, ask Him to heal, appreciate Sabbath Day, to reflect and spend time with Him.

I read Isaiah 1:13 the other day, it said: Stop bringing meaningless offerings! Your incense is detestable to me. New Moons, Sabbaths and convocations— I cannot bear your worthless assemblies.

Today I take time to reflect on how my relationship with God has been. it’s just been a so-so one, I managed to read my bible but it feels empty. Last week He has graciously bring someone to speak to me. Actually i was a bit discouraged to come to church, because I was kind of longing for deeper conversation but haven't found any after almost a month being here. But I know Vineyard is the one that God calls me to go, and indeed He who promised is faithful. After the service, I came to queue at the front for prayer, somebody (woman, 50-ish) suddenly asked me to come to her & prayed for me. Her name is Sylvana (not sure how to spell), and I told her about spiritual partner that I’ve been looking for, to help me grow spiritually in Groningen. I don’t know why I cried, but then she prayed for me about things that's been bothering my heart. She spoke and answered all doubts I have in mind. She said: girl, don’t be afraid. Today I pray to God to show me who I can pray for, and He brings you to me. I’ve been in your boat, but when you read your bible, speak with your own mouth, believe what God is saying to you, and write down. When I see my life now, it’s truly a life that i’ve been praying. Now that I have a faithful husband who diligently teach my children. I gave birth on my second child at the age of 43, when I think I would never have one. I’m here for you, call me anytime you need, I might not be able to come to church every week, because I work in the hospital. I also live in Assen, how can I help you then let’s go talking to Sampson so you can join homegroup.

So last Tuesday, I started join homegroup. Such an eye opening experience to see young people talking about God, based on what the bible said, proactively answering questions, leading and praying. I feel like God wants me to continue what He did to me through Lifegroup in Karawaci. I pray that this can be a new platform for me to grow in Him.

It is always a temptation to not come to homegroup, I can always find excuses (like being sick), but I think if God say something else, His will be done is (way stronger than my own desires to come home and do my own thing). And He is always right, I came for the second time. It was Kyriakos, Mike, Esther, Nat (the leader), Maike, Eliza, Coleman and me. We talked about Romans 8:28 that in all things God works for those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose, then about predestination & all. But over all my heart is full because I feel like a find a new family again. We worship, we prayed, we ate, we drank tea, we paired up for weeks to keep accountable. My first one is Nat then next week I’ll pair with Maike and Shioban (I love how Maike always say: hi Daddy, everytime she starts a prayer, I feel so close to God). Such a memorable night, we hug each other when we come and we’re about to leave like we’ve known for so long. Truly, for one only reason: Chris, the Perfect Father have loved us first. Imagine if I’m not following God’s will, I surely will miss out His blessing. Can’t wait for the next home group, cause we’ll have potluck <3.</p>

At that moment I know that God continue to pursue us when we feel like far from Him. And he does answer prayer. From Sylvana, she mentioned some verses from Isaiah. And so then on I read Isaiah, and it has been blessed me.

By reflecting like this, I learn how to pour out my heart to God, point out what is necessary for me to think about and trying to be more honest to The Good & Perfect Father. I learn about His holiness and His mercy, that He will cover me no matter what, because I am confident that I matters to Him. So autumn, I’m ready to show you that my God’s power is bigger than your storm. Love you, God xo

ps: Mba Sisca & fam is home, she made me ginger+lemongrass hot drink & bakwan delivered to my door. Isn’t she the most awesome gift from above? Nobody even serve me that back home. So thank you Daddy, for sending Mba Sisca & fam into my life. And big shout for Ci Riana, for giving last-minute-yet-the-most-precious-gifts VITAMIN & ECHINACEA #lifesaver #madememisshome

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my-job-is-to-fangirl · 5 years ago

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I went for my first ever concert this April in Bangkok with two of my best friends (Nabi and Bunky, as mentioned in my other Bangkok posts). I am still not over the fact that we actually went, and it’s been four months. I just thought I’d make a blog post because I think I can handle looking back at the videos now without hyperventilating. (edit- I couldn’t.)

Anyway, I will talk about everything in detail- the ticketing process, the days leading up to the concert, and the day of. Also, my ‘favourite moments’ list went on and on so I stopped after a while. Let’s begin! I hope this is slightly helpful at least, and if not, enjoy the video! xD

TICKETING We found out that they were having a concert in BKK in October and began the process of badgering our respective parents to let us go, and in my case, to come with us on the trip. Everything worked out pretty soon and we couldn’t handle our excitement. Then we remembered how hard it would be to get the actual tickets. We prepared ourselves for the worst, obviously, and I had my mom tell me practically everyday ‘don’t be disappointed if you don’t get tickets okay, you can try later’.

The tickets were going on sale in December, and I think we religiously prepared for the ticketing process for a good week before ‘the day’. I don’t think we slept the previous night, I have butterflies in my stomach even as I’m typing this that’s the sheer amount of anxiety we had about it. We all had notebooks with seating charts and which seats to aim for and everything ready.

The morning of the ticketing, we were up by 6:30, ready with laptops and the webpage open (thaiticketmajor.com). And of course, our notebooks, a pen, and water to last us the hours ahead. Oh, most importantly, we had credit card details written down too. There would be a very tiny window to finish payment, assuming we got tickets. We were on a conference call, dying in anticipation. I had my aunt, mom, dad, and grandfather all walking around the house, probably thinking ‘these kids are mad’. They all helped though, they were my hype-people, giving me food and saying ‘have hope’ xD

It took forEVER to enter the damn website, and once we did, we had to wait in line. We also had other friends on the conference call to help us out- THANK YOU ALL, and all we said for hours was ‘my man moved!!’ (you’ll see in the picture below what I mean). We all used multiple browsers, and for me, Safari worked magic. I got in line at about 8 I think, and finally got into the website at around 9:45. We were on the website from 7 though, refreshing and waiting for it to open. I don’t know how mine was fast, we all got in line at the same time.

Once I reached the end of the line and entered the website properly, there was a lot of screaming in my earphones. ‘STAY CALM YOU CAN DO THIS WE NEED THESE TICKETS.’ I went through, picked seats that were close enough (after about a minute of deliberation, we didn’t have more time than that), and waited to see if it would go through. I think I had to change seats thrice because they were booked by the time I clicked on ‘select’, but we unknowingly got great seats (more on that later). My aunt was sitting ready with card details so we went ahead and paid!! Again, there was a lot of screaming. I think we all went silent for a few seconds just taking it in.

This is what it looked like in the beginning. The man kept walking and taking the green line with him.

Now, the next three months, we kept counting down and planning our trip, it was so much fun researching where to go and what to eat at the 7/11’s (okay that was mainly me). Buying and figuring out what to wear at the concert, listing places to shop there, what to do on the day of the concert- our priorities.

THE MORNING OF 7.4.19 My parents obviously didn’t come for the concert, but they spent that day taking care of us and giving us food because we were so excited, it was like having an out-of-body experience, I swear. We got up by 6:30, got ready (not in concert wear, because the concert was in the evening, and we were going to come back to the hotel after collecting the tickets because it was quite close by to the venue), ate breakfast and went to the venue. We walked around a little bit to find the stalls for tickets. We were greeted by posters of each of the members and a HUGE one of all of them with the concert details.

This is the clearest one I have.

We were sitting in line in the sweltering heat, but thankfully it didn’t take too long, we were early and there weren’t that many people.

We didn’t know it would be that hot, we didn’t have anything to cover our heads with. Anyway, we got our tickets pretty quickly and then stood in line for army bombs. They give you a sheet with all the merch and you have to select everything you want so it becomes easier. We just got those, got them synced to our respective seats, and then got Fanta xD they were selling giant cups of ice with whatever flavour of Fanta, we all got strawberry. I don’t know why, but I felt the need to include that detail. We then went and got small fans outside on the street. We saw 90% of the people holding fans and we thought ‘oh we can take the heat we’re from India’, but god no we needed them. [Random shoutout to the really sweet girl from Indonesia I stood in front of in line for the army bombs :D] While leaving, a random girl was coming to each of us and saying ‘sorry, please take this’, and I thought it was a pamphlet or something, but it was a cute Hobi sticker ㅠㅠ The concert experience had officially begun xD

EVENING We left at around 4 to go to the venue, the concert was at 7. Adventure time (not the show)- We were in the cab on the way, and the cab driver stopped somewhere and started to talk to us in Thai. We kept telling him we needed him to speak in English and finally, he told us we had to get down there. Google maps showed that we were almost 2 km away from the venue, we thought we could walk, but there was traffic for as far as the eye could see, and we’d get all sweaty and disgusting. While we were contemplating what to do, there were a lot of guys wearing traffic vests (I am so sorry I don’t know what they’re called) and one guy spoke into his phone and showed us google translate, it said we had to get out here and cars weren’t allowed past the point because of traffic. They said they’d drop us on bikes to the venue, and after seeing a lot of other girls going, we decided to go too. This was honestly one of my highlights of the trip, it was so much fun, and such a good initiative.

ANYWAY. We went in and were ogling all the people there, MAN they dressed so well. We saw a queue in the middle somewhere and thought we had to go for the bag check so we joined in. IT TURNED OUT TO BE A GIRL GIVING OUT A FREEBIE. We were so happy with it. We walked around, joined a lot more queues, we couldn’t be stopped, it was too good to be true. We collected so many freebies, and the quality of the photocards and whatever they gave was so so so good, it was unbelievable that people were just giving them out for free. That’s how nice Army’s are :’))))) Here are all the freebies I got.

the first freebie we got, its a sticker :’)

this was for us to place our ticket in the centre, we didn’t :p

love this one.

the other side of the card above. the quality of this card is amazing

kook postcard!

the girl who gave this to us is friends with honeyjoonie94 we were so excited!

this girl told everyone to take two Jin pictures each I love them

the Jikook and Vkook ones were literally packaged in plastic covering, look at the dedication :’)

all together now, lets say thank you armyyyyyy.

Where all the queues were happening.

our beautiful tickets :’)

Army time :’) We were so lucky to get a banner with lyrics from Moonchild, it made it extra special ㅠㅠ

Standing around for a little more, we finally went inside the stadium. I’m not kidding, we all almost cried just entering the place.

LOOK AT IT I MEAN CAN YOU BELIEVE IT

There’s not much to say about the actual concert other than they were amazing, we’re still not fully convinced they’re human, anyone who says they’re not good live, please show this to them for proof that they exist on a meal of their own CD’s. That’s how good they are. BTS has been such a huge part of my life for the past two and a half years, only armys will understand how happy we get when we see them or listen to them. They really are something else, and something so different from usual artists, they never, ever fail to make me smile.

Best moments (in no particular order) in bullet points because otherwise, this will get way too long:

1- Love. Screaming 사랑 사랑 사랑 was the best thing ever, I will never forget the army bombs making purple hearts in the crowd. 2- Yoongi in the glorious red suit for Seesaw + his choker later on. 3- Serendipity- Jimin sitting on the stage like a baby. My friend who isn’t even army watched the clip and said it made her so happy :’) 4- I DON’T KNOW NAN MOLLA. 5- Them walking towards our side. We were shocked by how close our seats were, we had no idea. And we could see them up so close ㅠㅠ 6- Tear. That’s all. 7- Chanting Jhope for Just Dance. We screamed it for a long time and you could see the surprise on Hobi’s face, it was adorable. 8- The fact that we actually got to see Run and I Need U live is insane. 9- Baepsaeeee. We wanted this medley solely for Baepsae. If you know, you know. 10- Euphoria. I feel like Koo and yellow army bombs together were perfect :’) 11- Singularity. Unreal ethereal out of this world beauty of Kim Taehyung cannot be explained. 12- Epiphany. Singing ‘I’m the one I should love’ felt cathartic. I put a nice long clip in the video. 13- Ours being the last concert of the Love Yourself tour was a blessing. 14- Jimin’s adlibs in The Truth Untold. 15- Mic Drop red cult+dance break+Yoongi. 16- Anpanman. This was one of the songs I was most excited for because they’re always so chaotic. 17- So What. I never listened to this song much, but after seeing it live, I love it. It brings back memories of just so much energy and the rush of being there. Also fake ‘mist’ that was apparently water. 18- Army time with Love Myself+confetti. 19- Seeing 50,000 people on the streets all waiting for cabs. I had to include this because it was just so fun xD 20- The number of freebies we got I LOVE ARMIES. 21- Curly hair JK. YEAH WE GOT TO SEE OUR 90’S HEARTTHROB LIVE. 22- The rain. The rain that did certain wonderful things. Again, if you know, you know. Just look up Namjoon pictures from that day, you’re welcome. 23- Tae speaking Thai was the cutest thing ever. 24- Fire dance break. 25- FANCHANT. I was living for it. 26- Army bomb. Just buying it and having it in my shelf now. What a feeling. 27- Large cups of iced Fanta. yes, it’s a highlight for me. 28- There was this girl who screamed ‘Park Jimin, ULJIMA’. An icon. 29- Seeing armys all over the city felt like some weird dream. Honestly from the minute we landed, they were everywhere. In the airport, in the hotel (there were about 60 armys in our hotel), on the streets, e v e r y w h e r e. 30. Going to an actual BTS concert was a dream of ours for two years and we were lucky enough that everything worked out in the end. I couldn’t be happier. I haven’t sung in like 15 years, but I did that day. And the next time I sing will be at another concert, I hope, only in the presence of 50,000 people who truly love these boys. It was a surreal experience, and what made it even better was going with two friends who mean so much to me.

[In conclusion- this is what I wrote the day after our concert in my journal- ‘Joon is poreless. Hobi is everything. Tae is beauty. JK is baby. Jimin is angel. Yoongi is pale. Jin is ethereal.]

Okay bye. I’m glad I finally made this post. Now enjoy the video! I made a video with all the clips, the individual ones are huge and not viewable. I had to upload it on youtube because I thought it wouldn’t upload here. Anyway, you have two options now :p

Love Yourself.

Post (BTS) concert depression is real ㅠㅠ I went for my first ever concert this April in Bangkok with two of my best friends (Nabi and Bunky, as mentioned in my other Bangkok posts).

#bangkok #bangtan #blog #blogger #blogging #bts #kpop #music #thailand

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