#me when i keep revisiting a playlist i made for exes of long ago

[inkedtae]

rupture; rapture ⇾ kth. [M]

𝓅𝒶𝒾𝓇𝒾𝓃𝑔 ⇾ ex-boyfriend!taehyung x reader (f.)

𝑔𝑒𝓃𝓇𝑒/𝓇𝒶𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 ⇾  one shot, angst, smut, f2l(?), e2l(?), ex lovers au, rekindled lovers(?), sculptor au, 18+

𝓈𝓊𝓂𝓂𝒶��𝓎 ⇾  responding to a late night call for help forces you to revisit truths you so skillfully ignored. was it always meant to fall apart to fall back into place?

𝓌𝑜𝓇𝒹 𝒸𝑜𝓊𝓃𝓉 ⇾ 13.2k

𝓌𝒶𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈 ⇾ slight upsetting themes, mentions of a new relationship, mentions of infidelity (tae thinks reader used him to each on her date), vague mention of consuming alcohol, switch!Taehyung, mullet!taehyung, sub!reader, unprotected sex, rough sex, clay/paint/art sex(?), hate-love sex(?), makeup sex(?), size kink, oral (f. receiving), multiple orgasms (f.), creampie, overstimulation, a lil degradation, a lil face-licking, body worshipping, clit worshipping, a lil clit biting, choking, spanking, motorboating, begging, teasing, swearing, breath play, breast play

anon asked: taehyung19angst asghjkll. U have a prompt list ? So for that. Maybe. If u want to. WOW. Ur awesome. The bestest. Okay. Bye. Love. Me.

#19 ⇝ “You said you knew how to do this.”

𝒶𝓊𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓇'𝓈 𝓃𝑜𝓉𝑒 ⇾  i am aware this is supposed to be a drabble but that never seems to be even for taehyung so here’s a one shot instead. also sorry for writing this so late 

☾ banner by ⇾ @editingverse​ (thank you so so so much dear~ please go give her all your love!! this banner is beautiful!!)

☾ beta’d by ⇾ @kkulmoon​ (luff you, my soulmate crackhead~)

☾ le playlist

◖send me a prompt from dabble drabble. i will try to get to it as soon as i can. please note that i have the right to refuse any request i find uncomfortable.◗

Navigating to the chipped yellow door is second nature. Four months of distance does not change how easy it is for you to find your way to his place from across town. Your most haunting regret, however, is accepting his call. You sat around your apartment for months, fantasizing about how powerful you’d feel when your phone rings and you see his name flash only to decline the call. You told yourself that is how you will regain your dignity, how you will reclaim your life. He’s been a big part of it since freshman year. Best friends instantly, lovers only a year down the line. Clicking that red button, rejecting his apologies is how you believed you’d be able to move on and fully erase him from your life for good.

But, in the midst of a drink with someone else’s company, he calls and you do not refuse. Your heart flips only to fall and shatter in the pit of your stomach. You press the green button without much thought and bring the phone to your ear. He sounds so unsure, so nervous. A relieved sigh you didn’t realize you were holding escapes you. Eyes watering, you whisper his name.

The shame creeps upon you, condescendingly soothing your ego. Where’s your dignity now? It’s as nonexistent as when you stormed out of this very door and swore never to return. You can hear the fates snickering, watching your pathetic self stand outside of the door. Shaking out a shiver, you gather up the scattered pieces of your courage and knock on the door.

The screech of metal on metal echoes as he unlocks the door. The sound is more comforting than you expected it to be. You can’t remember the amount of times you’ve nagged him to replace the damned thing. It’s old, rusted, and the scratches of the metal make you cringe as though your bones are rotting. It used to make your jaw ache, now it only comforts you. Little things already undress your confidence. What will seeing him again do? What emotions will it beckon?

Misery leaks from your bones and into your bloodstream. The door opens to a vision of grace. In his clay-smeared jumpsuit, the sleeves wrapped around his waist and his bare chest exposed, he stares back at you. Though frozen from the winter air, you feel your face grow hot. Eyes shaking, you don’t know where to look. You’re not even sure if you can meet his gaze. It intensifies with every ticking second his long bangs fall over his lashes. He let it grow out? You’ve begged him to do so for months and once you’re apart he finally gives in? You knew he’d look good, maybe even better than his shorter cut.

The sight only confirms that you’ll never understand him. But, you suppose, you don’t have to. He’s not yours to understand anymore, not even as a friend. That statement should give you a sense of relief, but it only resurfaces the loneliness you’ve been ignoring for months.

Shakily sighing, you plaster a polite smile and greet, “Hey Tae.”

Taehyung parts his lips, but his voice catches. He stares back at you, gaze dancing up and down your frame. He drinks in the way your black dress pants hug your curves, and how you dare to wear a tube-top under your coat in the freezing weather. Gulping, Taehyung flashes you a kind, tight lipped smile and moves aside to welcome you in. His chain looped earring dangles with his movements. It’s such a simple antic, but you cannot fight off the familiar comfort in your chest upon catching it.

Each step back into his apartment fogs your mind with memories of joy and despair alike. Sometimes, those emotions rise in tandem during the same memory, within the same five minute time span. But other times, those memories are saturated with one emotion or the other. You two could never find that balance; not as lovers anyway, not as you thought.

“Make yourself at hom-” he cuts himself off just as the door shuts.

You turn to face him, raising a brow at his slip up. Funny how things circle back no matter how much either of you try to suppress them. This place has always felt like home to you. In fact, revisiting it proves that it still does. He just never let you make it official.

The gloom of four months ago has followed you back in here as well, it would seem. You gulp down the little scratch in your throat and try your best to flash a smile. His brows raise at the gesture. You assume a teeth braced wince paints your features instead.

Clearing his throat, Taehyung corrects himself, “Comfortable. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll grab you a hot drink to warm you up.” His gaze shifts to the slanted window over his little studio sectioned in the corner of his apartment. “It’s really coming down out there.”

Setting your clutch down on his work table, you nod. He glares at your action before looking back at you. You are fully aware of his distaste for you to dump your things near his work, even if it happens to be your own sculpting supplies. However, he distrubed your date tonight and that little slip up of his recalls more anger than you care to accept right now. Playing into his pet peeves is the very least you can do to show him that you’re not here for anything else but fixing his sculpture.

With a pleasant smile plastered on your lips, you peel your jacket off and set it down on the table as well. Taehyung sarcastically smirks then makes his way to the kitchen. You know you shouldn’t but you let your eyes linger on his frame and follow him around the kitchen while he prepares something for you. His shoulder blades flex as he reaches for a mug from the top shelf - a detail you always found makes you anxious because the cups can easily slip out of his hand from such a height and break.

He must feel your gaze as he glances back at you. “You must be freezing,” he comments.

Looking down at your half top, you shrug. “Not really. That’s what a jacket is for.” You shouldn’t sass. It always gets on his nerves. But, the way he regards you with such tamed hostility and smirks all knowingly, switches something in you. You cannot hold yourself back and he cannot expect to call you over here in the dead of night for help only to glare and sneer at you.

Out of sheer spite, you sit on one of the stools by the table and bend down to untie your thick heeled boots. He absolutely hates this. Sloppy and messy, is what he tells you when you come into the apartment with your shoes on and take them off near his studio. Taehyung stirs the contents of your mug, tossing daggers at you in his stares.

It is only now, in the thick silence, do you hear the soft voice of Sinatra through the vinyl player. Glancing over at the source, you recognize the album cover immediately. It’s the same one you gifted him for his birthday last year. His next one is in a couple of weeks. The realization unexpectedly twinges your heart with guilt. You feel as though you should have already bought his gift, and planned his party. It’s not your responsibility to do that anymore, but you want to and that’s enough for your tongue to coat with disgusted remorse.

“Want me to get you a sweater?” Taehyung asks.

You sit up straight at the close sound of his voice. He stands in front of you with the mug in his hands, glaring down at your boots. Kicking them off by the heel, you stare down at the puddle you’ve made beneath the chair. You should apologize but, instead, you thank him for the drink, take it from his hands, and make your way to the project he’s been working on. He mutters curses under his breath before cleaning up the mess you’ve made… As he should.

You smirk into your cup before taking a sip. Hot chocolate. It’s all he can make, or cares to make. And though it is not your favourite drink, he still prepares it to your specifications. Extra sweet and creamy, with a dash of ginger. Could the habits of your past be muscle memory he cannot shake either?

The answer never arrives as your thoughts halt at the sight of his sculpture. Though returned back onto its pedestal, the torso seems to have endured a terrible fall. He’s so careful about things like this. How could he have let it happen? Was the inner wiring he used too heavy? Did he not use enough slip, otherwise known as wet clay, to keep additions in place?

You bite the inside of your cheeks to school your features. Still, there is no hiding the truth. Especially when it’s right in front of you. Redemption is nonexistent. The sculpture is ruined. Tilting your head, you stare at the unfinished molding and try to figure out how to fix it without adding more clay, since he claimed on the phone that he doesn’t have enough to start over.

“Well?” He asks behind you.

Looking back at him, you take another sip then hand him the cup to hold. Taehyung accepts it, bringing the mug to his lips. The gesture is so simple, so casual that you almost miss it. He did it a lot when you two were together. You did it too. It was never a pet peeve but rather something you were proud of. It proved how close you two were, how well you meshed. Sharing food is common between lovers. Only now, that’s not at all what you are.

You stare at him, mouth gape. He licks his lips before taking another sip. The action repairs your heart only for your reality to wreck it all over again. Catching your eye, he raises his brows in confusion. You flicker your gaze between him and the cup, hoping the silent gesture is enough to return his senses.

Eyes widening, he holds the cup away from his face. “Oh,” he hums under his breath. “I’ll, uh, get you a new one.”

“Don’t bother,” you shrug before he can even turn towards the kitchen. “It’s not that big a deal.”

It is. You’re not his and neither is that hot chocolate. He should know better. He should pay attention more. He can see this all in your eyes as you continue to silently judge him. It’s not that big a deal, you repeat to yourself. The way his large eyes soften, the way he pouts is not that big a deal. You have a job to do, feelings to ignore, and a person to never see again. All you have to do is remold the clay and be on your way.

Finally returning your attention to the sculpture, you approach it while pulling your hair back. It’s rather large since he scaled it to be life-sized, so you assume he has some structural wiring in there to keep it in place when molding. You might have to take it out and remold the entire section. But maybe you can simply push the wiring back in place? However, if your theory about the wiring being too heavy is correct, you might face another smash to the floor. So it seems easier to just pull it all out.

“Is the clay still wet?” You ask before poking the shoulder.

It’s tacky, but that’s not enough to keep it from drying. You scan the room for the spray bottle, finding it behind you. Being a sculptor yourself, you know that the clay has to stay wet enough to be able to continue to add and mold it. Your scan of the room reflects that he is close to finishing the project. He has the muse’s head and arms wrapped in air-tight bags to keep them from drying. They just need to be slipped, slid, and smoothed into place. The details also need to be added, but for the most part, he’s just about done.

“If you’re gonna figure it out yourself, why did you ask me?” He sighs as he sets the mug down near a cup of paint water.

His tone is uncalled for. Nothing seems to have changed. He still has a temper and makes no effort to readjust his attitude. You toss him a glare over your shoulder. After spraying some water over the sculpture, you start to dig your fingers into the molding. Taehyung sucks in a sharp breath behind you. You can’t blame him for such a reaction. It must be very disturbing to watch someone else dig through your hard work.

You take off the clay bit by bit, looking for the metal structure wires he must’ve used to keep it all shaped well. However, as you place another chunk on the table, you begin to realize that the sculpture is not hollow, meaning wires have not been used. He simply ventilated the slab of clay to help air bubbles escape when it comes time to fire it.

Furrowing your brows, you look over at him in confusion. He leans back against his work table with his arms crossed over his chest, staring at you. Is this a joke? He doesn’t need your help. He could’ve dug through the smushed clay and remorphed it himself. He’s more experienced than you are; he should’ve known this.

Your anger begins to fester in your chest. He must’ve heard. You still share some mutual friends, so he must’ve heard down the line that you were going out with somebody else tonight. Your outfit of choice is a clear indicator as well. He found out about your date, your first date in the last four months you’ve been broken up, and just needed to ruin it for you. Fuck, you can’t believe you seriously bought his lies again. It’s that stupid voice of his. So deep and soulful, you can never resist it’s lulling temptations.

“What?” Taehyung pushes himself off the table and walks towards you. “You’re pouting like you always do just before you’re about to shout. Is it that bad?”

Is that what he’s doing now? He’s trying to remind you how well he knows you, how well he can read you? If this is just another reminder that no one is like him, you just might prove him right and scream out of frustration. Huffing, you roll your eyes at him. No matter how much your heart flips and flutters at his concern, you will not fall for his stupid games.

He watches in confusion as you clean your hands off with a cloth. “God, (Y/N), what is it? I thought you said you knew how to do this.”

With a dry chuckle, you shake your head and mumble, “You’re still the same liar you’ve always been, Taehyung.”

The perplexed sculptor narrows his eyes. “What did I tell you about mumbling?” He questions in a grumble. “And what the hell are you going on about anyways?”

His tendency to be a walking contradiction will never cease to irk you. He tells you not to mumble then does it himself. Just another pet peeve he’s instilled in you that you can never shake. Then there’s the continuous lies he can never seem to stop telling. For once, why can’t he just be honest?

You toss the dirty cloth at him and make your way to his precious work table only to find that he moved your things to the chair by the door. You rush in that direction instead, and Taehyung follows not too far behind. “I can’t believe you’re still pulling this shit even when it’s over,” you scoff with a shake of your head. “You made it seem like you had no idea what to do. You guilted me into coming back here and for what? To ruin the first night I stopped thinking about you? Well, congratulations,” you drily chuckle as you grab your clutch and turn to face him. “You’ve ruined my night and my date.”

Taehyung pauses mid stride. “Oh,” he rasps, eyes roaming over your body once more. “You had a date tonight?”

Eyes wide, softened, and wet, his next words catch in his throat. All you can make out is a quiet rasp. It’s a convincing act, but you know him well enough to spot his feigned innocence from a mile away. Setting your jaw, you shake your head and sigh, “Not any more.”

You reach for your jacket, but Taehyung is quicker. He snatches it first and holds it behind him. You open your mouth to curse at him when he rushes to say, “Wait, wait.” Hand on your waist, he holds you still.

You freeze under his palm. He’s barely used much force. It’s the simple touch itself that sends you into a trance. The memories of being pinned beneath him, or guided into grinding against his hips rush back to you. Breath hitching, you try to wipe the affection from your features. The searching look in his eyes tells you how bad of a job you’re doing.

“I could fix it myself, but not by myself,” he clarifies. “I just didn’t know how to get you here without making it seem like it’s a complete disaster. Be honest, (Y/N), if I told you I wanted you to sculpt with me you wouldn’t have shown up.”

Be honest. When the fuck have you ever lied to him? The question is tempting to ask, sitting right on the tip of your tongue actually, but you can already tell that you’ve made your annoyance known as concern swims in his eyes. He’s trying to find where he went wrong in his explanation. He’s never done that before. He never notices your discomfort during a fight, but always after the fact. That’s enough to have you consider his explanation, to consider the fact that maybe he has not changed completely, but he’s trying. Perhaps you should start trying too.

Besides, he’s not wrong. If he didn’t make it seem like it was irreversible, you wouldn’t have accepted the invitation over or even thought about ditching your date. Chewing on your lip, you sigh and nod. “Fine, I’ll help you fix it.”

A relieved smile plays on his lips. He removes his hand from your waist, muttering a quiet apology then returns your jacket onto the chair. You set your clutch down on there as well, nowhere near his work, and follow him back to the sculpture. He sprays it down as you take another couple of sips from your hot chocolate.

“When is this due?” You ask as you set the mug down.

Taehyung’s gaze shakes. “At nine,” he reluctantly replies. He sets the spray bottle down. You stare at him in confusion.

The time is both seemingly vague and specific. You furrow your brows, blinking rapidly in hopes that you can reprocess the information for more clarity. When that doesn’t work, you ask, “Tonight?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

Thirteen hours? That’s all you two have to remold and detail a life-sized sculpture. This information alone would’ve had you running to help as well. Why didn’t he just tell you this? Why did he have to lie? No, nevermind his lies. You both have thirteen hours to remold the base, attach the head and arms, and add all the details on all four pieces. It may seem like a lot of time but you also have to let the clay sit for a few hours before firing. However, with a sculpture this large, it might need at least three days to dry. How did he expect to finish the rest on his own?

Nothing is adding up. You know Taehyung very well. You’ve shared sculpting classes countless times. His work comes first; always. He sketches and prepares months in advance for a project since the clay can crack or explode during its bake. How could he not have done the same thing here? He should’ve started this at least four months ago… oh.

Taehyung spares you a nervous glance. He can see the realization of his own reality in your eyes. You swallow thickly, knowing you should just pretend that you haven’t noticed anything. Still, you say, “Tae, we both know that’s not enough time. Even if we split the work, it still needs-”

“Don’t worry about that,” he mumbles. His hands smooth over every chunk of clay he reapplies. “Let’s just piece it all together, okay?”

There is a lot you have to force yourself to ignore in his words and tone. He mumbles orders, and expects you to follow. His voice is deep and cold. He gives you his back while he speaks. It’s but another pet peeve of his that makes you want to pull your own hair out. However, most of all, you have to force yourself to ignore how painful it is. Seeing him again, only an arm’s length away, crumbles your anger and hearing his voice reminds you that he still holds every bit of your heart. You have to blink your tears back at the realization. This idea reeked the moment you considered it. But, you can never stop yourself when it comes to him. A year of friendship and two of love; how can you forget all of that in four months?

Taehyung turns to you, his eyes trailing up from your hips to your chest where they linger. Flickering his gaze back up to yours, he offers a tight-lipped smile. You fail to find it in you to return it. He sighs. Hands by his side, voice heavy with sincerity, he says, “I won’t force you to stay, babe- (Y/N).” His slip up has him frozen in place as well. Clearing his throat, he continues, “I need to get this done and you’re the only other person I know who knows how I like it.”

The familiar pet name gives you pause, but the end of that sentence has you hot all over. Your eyes widen at the alternate implication of his words and you can’t help but choke on your next intake of air.

Taehyung’s expression mirrors yours. Face reddening, he’s quick to correct himself. “No, no, I just mean artistically.”

You cannot find the words to say something, anything to make this situation better. Lips parted, all you can voice are quiet croaks of uncertainty. His large eyes, wide with anxiety, watch you carefully. He’s clearly unsure of how else to soothe your discomfort. He goes to say something else but the words fall short. The scene has your skin crawling with shivers. Shaking your head, you walk around him to smooth out the clay he remolded.

“I’ll fix her waist. I think you should get started on the details,” you say, hoping his words can just fizzle away along with the awkward silence that has fallen over the both of you.

Taehyung takes a deep breath. His eyes remain trained on you for a moment, watching as you match the sculpture’s left side to her right. Then, he circles around you and makes his way to his work table.

Though you should be focused on your work, you still have one eye on Taehyung. The jumpsuit sits low on his hips, and his back is bare of any scratches. Your lasting desire to mark up the blank canvas of his back tightens your core. You can feel your black pants dampening at the thought alone. Your hand gently presses into the mold, smoothing out every piece you add.

With Sinatra’s calm voice circling around the room, you and Taehyung fall into a comfortable silence. The rhythm of your actions, the way you move around each other is like muscle memory. You can subconsciously anticipate the other’s next move and react accordingly. He hands you tools before you need to ask and you accept them without a second thought. It’s easy, comfortable, and so familiar that you almost forget he ruined your plans tonight.

Taking a step back, you wipe your wrist over your brow then assess your work. You’ve been trying to sculpt one of the figure’s breasts, adding clay and rounding out the mold. However, it seems like you’ve undershot a bit and made one mound a bit smaller than the other. You sigh and reach for more clay when Taehyung interjects.

“Leave it,” he says from his place beside you.

When did he step back too? He was just detailing one of the sculpture’s hands. “They’re uneven,” you point.

He smirks. “I like them that way.”

His eyes flicker to your chest again before meeting your gaze once more. You shouldn’t look into that gesture too much, but you do. He can’t say something like that, stare at your breasts suggestively and think you wouldn’t notice. Unless, he wants you to notice. You start to wonder how often he’s thought about your breasts and why he feels the need to incorporate them into his project.

While you remain standing in your place, Taehyung returns to his crouched position and continues his work. You can’t bring yourself to move just yet. You stare at the sculpture, at the curve of her stomach and dip of her waist. She’s full-figured and even has stretch marks on her hips, well the side that has not met the floor still has stretch marks. You need to add them on the other side. But, the shape of her body just looks all too familiar.

No, no, it can’t be. He didn’t sculpt your naked body entirely from memory. And why should he? You’re not a couple and he’s made it clear during those four months of silence that he doesn’t want anything to do with you either. No, this is merely just some consequence. You sigh and get back to work. Those thoughts completely boarded shut out of your mind.

“Were you having fun?” He suddenly asks, standing up to start detailing the sculpture’s breasts.

You glance up at him, about to ask what he means when you remember the date. “Oh,” you hum. You’re not sure how much to tell him, or if you should even entertain him with an answer at all. He’s obviously still affected by the break up if he let it get in the way of his project timeline. What was your date’s name anyway? Morgan, Mac, Mark- Mark! Yes, it was Mark something or maybe something Mark. Fuck, you can’t even remember his name. You’re not even sure where you met up for drinks.

Taehyung pauses his sculpting around the figure’s nipple. He chances a quick look at you, raising a brow. “That bad?” He teases with a playful smile.

His light-hearted tone shocks you out of your thoughts. Maybe you read the situation wrong. Maybe he is over you. Otherwise, why would he ask you about your date so casually, like you two were friends? Or maybe… he’s seeing someone else himself? Sumni did ask for your permission to date him. She was so kind and understanding in her questioning that you couldn’t refuse her. Even if it was a week ago, she would have already talked to him by now and they could’ve already gone on their own date. The sheer thought of Taehyung dating around makes your throat tighten and stomach ache.

“I didn’t stay long enough to make up my mind,” you reply, trying your best not to mumble. Your voice is small though, and tone shot by misery. A wave of hopelessness washes over you at how final everything between you and him feels again. “I don’t think he’s for me though.”

Taehyung hums in acknowledgment or understanding? You don’t know. You can’t pull yourself out of your self pity long enough to decipher it. “Poor guy,” he mutters as he picks up where he left off on the sculpture’s breast.

You carve uneven lines on the figure’s hips, recreating some stretch marks like he had done to the other side. Raising your brows, you question, “What is that supposed to mean?”

He shrugs a single shoulder. “I just know what it’s like to lose someone as great as you,” he explains in a near whisper. “The poor guy is gonna lose his mind.”

Tears sting your eyes. He can’t do this. He can’t guilt you for leaving him, not when you both know that it’s just as much his fault as it is yours. Still, even in the midst of pain, the kindness laced in his words tugs the corners of your lips into a small smile. Is that what happened to him? Did this poor guy, this poor little sculptor lose his mind when he lost you?

You toss him a sidelong glance, whispering, “He’ll survive.”

“He can only pray to.”

What is this? What is he trying to say? So he regrets the way that things ended, perhaps even that they ended entirely. Does he think you don’t? Nothing can change how you feel for him. Nothing can hide how badly you wish you can still call him your own. But, he said it himself. He does not want you around, in such close proximity to him anymore. Two years into, what you thought was, a serious relationship and he does not want you living with him.

“I’ll grow tired of us,” he said. Or does he not remember? Did he forget how he promised he’d get you a key, or help you pack? Did he forget how high he got your hopes? Has the fear of getting bored of your company finally withered away?

What does it even matter now? You both said things you haven’t even attempted to take back. Not a single apology has been issued either. Whatever relationship you once had is gone. You can never get it back. Still, you don’t have the stomach to break it to him. You can’t destroy the last little bit of hope he has in you. You can’t find it in you to tell him that no amount of prayer will get you to willingly return to such a relationship.

“He hasn’t been in my company for too long to miss me. Actually, I’m worried he’s already grown tired of it,” you reply. Guilt immediately sheds your pettiness. You know you shouldn’t have said that. Though, he did egg you on. How could he have expected to bring up such a subject and think that you wouldn’t retaliate?

Taehyung tenses and shifts his jaw, giving the impression that he’s chewing gum, and turns to glare at you. From experience alone, you know very well that when Taehyung chews on his imaginary piece of gum, he’s either cocky, pissed or both. This time he has tears glassing over his eyes. Shame cringes your heart. You can’t bring yourself to look at him again. Getting even does not feel as dignifying as you thought it would. You cannot even find a shred of pleasure in seeing him so speechless.

Parting your lips, you try to soothe the sting of your words, only they all fall short. Every time you try to recollect them, they wither away. It’s almost like your mind is warning you from worsening the situation. But the silence is deafening. Sinatra's voice cannot even fill it. His disappointment is too loud; the shattering of his heart like an explosion. And your pain can never shut up. All you can hear is how miserable your soul is and how depressed your heart becomes upon every glance his way. It’s the soft look in his eyes, even when he’s glaring, and the little scrunch of his nose.

With a deep breath, you turn back to the sculpture to keep your hands busy. As you use the pad of your pinkie to smoothen out the stretch mark lines you’ve carved, you say, “We had a drink. That’s as far as we got.”

Taehyung clears his throat. His hands pick up where they left off around the nipple. “Had I known you were out, I wouldn’t have called,” he sighs.

You try not to scoff, particularly because he sounds surprisingly sincere. Sneaking a glance up at him from your squatting position on the floor, you try to search for his usual tell-tale signs. He always blinks one too many times in the same two minute span when he’s lying, that’s if he’ll even meet your gaze. He’s already looking at you when you begin to search his features. He holds your stare and you start to worry that you wrongfully cursed him before when you were convinced that he knew.

“You really didn’t know?”

He shakes his head. “Why would anyone tell me you’re going on a date?”

“Why wouldn’t they?”

“Would you want to hear that I have been on one?”

“Have you?”

Internally cringing, you snap your attention back on the sculpture. The question simply slipped out. He must know that. Of course you’re curious about his love life since you’ve left it, but you don’t need him to know that. And even if he was prying into your date tonight, you still don’t feel comfortable with him knowing that you’ve been wondering about him too, worrying that he’s found the love of his life and forgotten all about you.

Taehyung chuckles. “Do you really want to know?”

Three? Four? Five? How many dates did he have to go on to be able to ask such a question? You hold your breath the moment you feel your next intake waver. Running your tongue between the gaps of your teeth, you stand up and begin detailing the left breast.

“I’m not going to beg you,” you grumble under your breath while sculpting the nipple. Your eyes shift from the one you're working on to the one he perfected, making sure they’re at least even.

“Never had a problem with that before.”

He does not mutter it. He does not whisper it. He chuckles through the statement, cockiness dripping from his tone. Shooting him a glare, you find his jaw moving, the imaginary gum returning. Taehyung smirks at you, eyes dancing over your features like he’s figured you all out.

You raise your brows at him, lips slightly parted by a little smile. “Once again, Taehyung, your memory has miserably failed you,” you start only to widen his grin.

“How so?”

“You’ve been on your knees far more times than I’ve been on mine. You’ve whined louder too.”

He leans in, wrist against his stomach as he lets out a hearty laugh. You feel a rush of your arousal pool at your core just from the simple sound. Face growing hot, you realize how much you’ve missed this, missed him. He always laughed with his whole body, clutching onto you when clutching on his stomach never granted him any stability. Sometimes he’d brace his teeth in a boxy smile and let out his deep chuckles that way. So endearing, so cute, Taehyung would always loop you in his laughing fit as well.

Biting on the sides of your cheeks, you keep yourself from joining in this time. “Why is that so funny?”

Taehyung shakes his head at you as his laughter dies down. With a smile still gracing his features, he replies, “You’re always begging for me. Oh, I remember once you were on the table and you won’t let go of me and until I, and I quote, ‘rammed into you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.’”

Shit. You remember that day all too clearly. Taehyung had been painting and you were somewhere in the kitchen sketching his hands from a distance since he would always tease you about that. Somehow you found out he’d been painting you nude from memory and wanted to help him out. You began stripping for him, inching closer with every piece of clothing you shed. He watched you draw closer to him, and there was something about the way his eyes drank you in that you could not shake. It just made you giddy all over, dripping for his love by the time you were fully naked and within his reach. You were so horny, you said anything to make sure he ruined you.

Avoiding his eye, you reluctantly reply, “I do not recall.”

That statement tips him off immediately. His endearing innocence darkens; you don’t even need to look over to witness it happen. You can feel it. You can feel his demeanour change. Taehyung sets whatever tool he’s using down and towers over you. Stilling in place, you let him graze the bridge of his nose in your hair.

“Do you want me to remind you,” he whispers before pressing his lips to your ear, adding, “my muse?”

Knees all but trembling, you have to remind yourself to keep your eyes open. His warm breath fans over your skin, prickling goosebumps all over. His fingertips brush up the length of your spine, streaking your back with clay and leaving a chain of shiver in their wake. Then there’s that little pet name. Your soul shudders to hear it again while your core waters.

What does he even mean? How far is he willing to go to remind you how badly you wanted him?

Breath shaky, you gingerly meet his gaze. Noses brushing, you try to ignore how good he smells. His scent is always a cross between chalky clay and citrusy cherries. A whine threatens to slip out and you have to swallow thickly just to silence it. “You can try,” you whisper only to feel his hands on your hips.

The grey clay stains the hem of your black pants and a majority of your skin. Taehyung turns you towards him then presses himself against you. His semi-hard rubs against your stomach, making him groan. Seems like he’s falling apart faster than you are. Did he miss this too? Miss the way you smell, the way it feels to be near you again?

You rest your arms on his shoulders and he guides you around and back to his work table. It’s almost like a little dance, with the quiet music still playing in the background. Faces only a breath apart, the temptation to kiss him only grows. But giving in would only prove him right. After so many months, you cannot grant him this victory of being right, especially since he was the one in the wrong when you left.

When the back of your thighs meet the edge of the table, Taehyung shifts his hands down to your ass, gripping tightly and he lifts you up against him and onto the table. You have to choke back a moan just from the rough grip. Your lips brush against each other’s, but neither one of you is willing to bite the bullet first.

“Any of this familiar yet?” Taehyung asks. His voice is almost an octave deeper, saturated in lust and desire.

Smirking, you shake your head.

Taehyung tongues his cheek and cocks a brow. He leans back a bit, hands circling around your waist to rest on your thick thighs. His cocky grin widens as he pushes them further apart. One of his hands shifts up to your crotch, thumb grazing the seams. Face lighting up, Taehyung glances down at your crotch and brushes over it once more.

“No panites?” He questions with a chuckle. “This is looking more and more like that night then I thought it would.”

The confidence he oozes should annoy you, but you find yourself only spreading your legs further for him. Whenever he’s acting this egotistic, you cannot help but respond to it by giving yourself to him. This is a fact he knows well and uses to his advantage any time he’s ever felt like it.

You try to keep your wits about you, saying, “I wouldn’t know.”

Taehyung suddenly leans in. Your breath hitches at the realization that he’s swallowing his pride, that he’s finally going to kiss you. You’ve been dreaming about his lips for months, wondering how you’d be able to find someone else who just fits ever so perfectly against your lips. Eyes fluttering closed, lips in a faint pucker, you’ve inhaled deeply only to have him kiss your chin. He chuckles quietly against your skin, licking his way to your jawline all while leaving you breathless.

“You’re about to,” he growls.

As your body is in the midst of reacting, he somehow digs his nails into the seams of your pants and tears them apart. You gasp, shifting your hands from his shoulder to the edge of the table. You cannot help but stare down at the tear in amazement. Questions on how and why die in your throat when you find that Taehyung’s attention is not even on you anymore. He’s tightening his grip on your thighs and gazes down at your pussy. It pulses under his gaze, much to his own amazement.  

Squatting down, he licks his lips at this new angle. “Well, fuck,” he whispers. “How long have you needed me?”

Four months, you wish you had the courage to say. Instead you breathlessly reply, “I’m not sure this is what happened that night.”

“How would you know? I thought you didn’t remember.”

He’s only teasing but his tone is accusatory. You already know it’s because you’ve refused to answer his previous question. And your decision to talk back only adds to his shift in demeanour.  Once cheeky, his features darken into something closer to vexation. You’ve pushed the wrong buttons it would seem.

Narrowing his eyes, he orders, “Tell me, my muse. Tell me how long you’ve been needing me.”

You suck in a sharp breath. Pressing your lips together in a fine line, you refuse to make another sound, let alone utter another word. You’ll be damned if you have to admit that you regret walking away, that you cannot even remember the details of your date because all you could think about was everything he would do differently. Having to admit that for the last four months all you’ve been able to do is touch yourself to the thought of him or cry wouldn’t just be motifying but shameful and pathetic.

With a slow nod, Taehyung sighs. You think this is it. He’s ripped your pants apart, looked at every inch of your barest part, and teased you all for nothing. You’d maybe ask to borrow some pants, and he might give you some. But, other than that, nothing would’ve come from this interaction. The flirty comments and knowing looks would disappear with your relationship, this you feel you are sure of.

Then, he plays against your expectations; something you should have expected. Just when you’re about to bring your legs together, Taehyung spreads them apart further and shoves his face between them. He cannot use his hands there since they are covered in clay and, it seems, he also refuses to use his tongue. You cannot hold back the moans that pour out of you with every ministration. Merely smearing his face into your heat, Taehyung teases your clit. The bridge of his nose trails between your folds, lips pressing wet kisses to your tightening hole. From left to right, he shakes his face against your pussy.

You buck your hips against his lips, lacking shame and restraint. “Tae,” you moan, voice breaking.

Taehyung pulls away. Heaving and eyes half-lidded, he smirks up at you. He’s drenched in your arousal, looking like the cat who got the cream. “How long?” He mewls.

“Gimme your tongue,” you whine.

Taehyung mockly pouts up at you. He always looks prettiest on his knees, pretending to be in charge from such a degrading position. “Would you tell me then, babe?”

Your hips inadvertently roll at the pet name. You love it when he babies you like that, when he makes you feel so precious and fragile even though you both know you can rule over anything you want. Hesitantly, you nod. He raises a brow, waiting for verbal confirmation that you’ll tell him once he gives you his tongue.

With a little shrug of a single shoulder, you reply, “Why don’t you give it a try, TaeTae.”

His left eye twitches. You know exactly how that name affects him. His anger and powerful demeanor tremble when you dwell on him like that. He doesn’t need to tell you that he’s suddenly yours to overtake; his large eyes do the trick.

Swiping his tongue over his lips, Taehyung cleans his mouth from you. One little taste and his pupils expand, blown by lust and hunger. You don’t have to waste anymore time convincing him that you’d answer his question if he goes down on you. Your taste seems to be enough of a factor, in itself. He dips his head back in, tongue out this time. The tip pushes through your hole, lapping up your pooling juices. Leaning back on your hands, you gasp a loud moan. He knows his way around so well. One flick up, and your toes are curling. No amount of time apart has disturbed his memory of you. This may have been something you noticed while sculpting but now you can feel it. Tongue in and out, warm and wet, Taehyung explores your pussy like it’s his first time, only he knows everything about it.

You want to tangle your fingers in his hair, to see how the long strands feel in your hand, but they’re covered in clay too. And you know from experience just how hard it is to get clay out of hair. Once it completely dries, it almost seems like the only other option is to cut it all out. So, instead, you just dig your nails into the table, engraving your presence in the wood.

Rolling your hips into his face, you cry out your pleasure. Your legs are shaking, squeezing around his face, but he can’t seem to care any less. In fact, judging by his groans and growls, he seems to love the suffocation. He even pushes your legs further against his cheeks. Freezing in place, Taehyung only allows his tongue to continue to swirl around your pussy. His fingers harshly press into your thighs, sure to leave bruises, but you don’t care. Having him mark you up just like when you were together, is enough to make your eyes roll back.

You’re so, so close. Pussy clenching, his tongue still pushes its way in. He’s determined to see you through, to have you unfold right in his hands so hard that he still won’t breathe. And though you start to worry a bit, you cannot really pay attention to anything else besides the pleasure.

“Oh, Tae,” you cry. Voice breathy and high-pitched, it’s only a matter of time before-

It hits you hard, fast, and completely off guard. You have felt it growing and knotting in the pit of your stomach, but have no idea it would rush at you this harshly that you completely fall back on the table. Body convulsing, you scream and cream all over his tongue, mouth, and chin. His entire face will smell like you for days.

Taehyung forces your tightening legs apart, gasping for air. Gazing up at you, he sticks his tongue out and against your clit. He’s determined to help you ride out your high and nods his head up and down. You watch him through blurry vision, shamelessly rocking your hips up to meet him halfway. Or, at least you try to. Soon, you become all too sensitive to even hold his gaze, let alone grind against his tongue.

You fight against his hold on your legs, whining loudly. “Okay, okay,” you gasp as you try to seat yourself up.

He doesn’t care. That once yielding look in his eyes flashes into a demanding one. Seeing you so helpless under him shocks him with power once again. “One more time,” he pants against your heat.

“TaeTae,” you mewl, attempting to manipulate your way out of this overstimulated feast.

However, the use of the name this time, only spurs him on. He knows what you’re trying to do and doesn’t at all find it amusing. This time when he repeats his words, he growls, “One more time!”

Lips suctioning around your clit, he harshly sucks. Slurping and swallowing everything you have to offer, Taehyung holds your gaze. You’re a trembling mess. Tears falling freely down your face, you curse him three times over and buck your hips against his mouth. He finds the entire sight so humorous, he can’t help but smirk.

You’re still his little toy, a play thing for him to fool around with and test out some kinks on. The realization should make you curse him again and again, but you can only play into it. Pouting and mewling, you’ve fully sold yourself out just so Taehyung is well fed with your juices.

This is the peak of his games, you think. This is as far as he will go and you expect that you’ll cum in another minute or so. But then his teeth graze your clit once, twice, three times. You come undone within seconds. Arching your back, you let out the neediest cry you’ve ever heard and pathetically cum against his chin. The shudders and shivers of your body are beyond your control, as is your broken voice and any lasting grip you thought you had on reality.

As if biting and sucking your clit isn’t mindbreaking enough, Taehyung dips his tongue back in you to sneak another taste. “Taehyung, please,” you beg. “Please!”

He finally lets up, removing his face from your sopping heat and releasing his hold on your legs. You instantly bring them together and hug them into your chest. Heaving and shedding your last few tears, you try to recompose yourself and the silent atmosphere you once shared while sculpting.

“Strange,” he starts, returning to his feet. He takes his hands in yours, slowly unwrapping the hug you’ve cocooned yourself in. “It sounds a lot like that night. But, that’s not at all what I was doing then to make you this needy.”

To anyone else, you would've looked fucked out and completely ruined. But Taehyung knows that’s not at all the case. He has tested your stamina enough to know that you can most likely go for another round or two. Pulling your legs apart, he stands between them then helps sit you back up.

Faces inches away, you exchange breaths. “How long have you been this needy, my muse?” He asks again.

He really does smell like you. His cheeks, nose, chin, and lips are smeared with your cum. It doesn’t even look like he was feasting. It almost looks like he just wanted to cover his face with your juices. Gulping, you consider his question. You did insinuate that you’d answer the question if he gave you his tongue. And, holy fuck, did he give it to you. However, an insinuation is not a promise. He made that clear during your last argument.

“I don’t remember promising anything,” you whisper in a light pant.

The pain in his eyes cannot be neither mistaken nor missed. Echoing his words all these months later, surely recalls suppressed emotions of misery and betrayal for the both of you. He sneers a smirk, glaring at your lips. “Your memory has failed you,” he hisses. Gripping onto your hips, marking you there with bruises as well, he adds, “But, I won’t.”

“Not again, anyway.”

You sound colder than he does which causes him to hesitate for a moment. His hands fall by his sides as he searches your face for some sort of confirmation to continue. He almost seems like he’s not sure if he really wants to pick up where he left off too, seeing that you’re still upset with him. The guilt of seeing him so fragile and wounded eats away the majority of your anger. But, if he thinks he’s the only one struggling to make sense of this break up, he’s wrong.

Right now, the only way you can think of showing that to him is by first displaying your eagerness to continue in this sexual stroll down memory lane. You lean forward, brushing the tip of your nose against his, and reach down to his crotch. The dent in his jumpsuit throbs in your hand. His hard cock all but pulses under your palm as you rub at it. His breath hitches. You then untie the sleeves of his jumpsuit and watch carefully as his cock comes back into view. Fuck, you’ve forgotten just how pretty it is when it’s all pink tipped and desperate to be pumped. He shifts a bit, you assume to step out of the jumpsuit, and resettles his hands back on your waist.

Not another moment of uncertainty stands between you anymore. Swallowing his pride, Taehyung kisses you first. Lips on lips, the taste of yourself on his tongue has you moaning already. He  seems to take this as a sign to let himself go as well. He pulls you closer to the edge of the table and rolls his hips into yours. The length of his dick rubs between your folds, but he doesn’t enter. Not yet. He simply teases the idea of entering, of ruining you.

But, you’re too overstimulated to enjoy it in its entirety. Your legs resume their little shudders at the tiniest bit of friction when his cock just happens to brush against your clit. Taehyung, upon noticing this, makes sure to touch it with every new grind against you. He smirks when you whimper into his mouth and chuckles a bit when you break the kiss to whine his name.

“What is it, baby,” he coos. He grounds his hips harder into yours, erupting moans from the both of you. “Ah, shit, I could just cum like this,” he hisses as his mouth hovers over yours.

A little smirk tugs on your lips at his words. Yes, you may be helplessly falling apart with every passing second. However, watching him come undone from the impression of your pussy against his cock, is a rather prideful moment. You tilt your head and begin peppering his chin and cheeks with open mouthed kisses, staining his face with your saliva now as well as your cum.

“Then, just cum, TaeTae,” you whine.

Perhaps if you didn’t sound so desperate, he probably would’ve switched back into his own submissive state. But, it’s the squeal in your voice and mischief in your tone that only drives him further down his power trip. He pulls away a bit, holding your horny gaze with an unimpressed one of his own. He realigns his hips as his jaw shifts. He’s pretending to chew gum again. Holy shit, he’s going to fuck you senseless.

He does not push into you though. Instead, he pulls you onto him by the deadly grip he has on your hips. You stare up at him as a loud cry escapes you with every inch that stretches your walls. Taehyung looks back with very little remorse in his eyes. The sight of you so small in his arms, whipped for his cock, makes his tip twitch a bit. But he is not immune to the action of entering you, sucking in a sharp breath.

“I can’t believe I forgot how tight you were,” he whispers, voice breaking.

And you thought you could never forget how big he is, but here you are. Eyes rolling back, you relish in his size like it the first time. “Big,” you mewl as he bottoms out. “Tae, you’re so big.”  You sound just as broken as he does.

He cannot even find it in him to be cocky about it. He hears the realization in your voice. He knows you’ve forgotten too. A flash of pain twinkles in his eyes. You wrap your arms around his shoulders and whisper. “Remind me, Taehyung.” His brows quirk up and you add, “Remind me how good you make me feel. And I’ll remind you the same.”

Taehyung presses a gentle kiss on your forehead. Then, his hips snap in action. Holding you close, he starts hard and fast. He’s naked and growling into your ear with every thrust. You’re clothed and whining with every rumble of his chest and jerk of his hips. You didn’t even have to beg to bring out such a feral side of him. Could it be that he’s looking for the same thing you are? A lost lover?

Clay smeared fingers pressing into his skin, you push away that thought and scratch at his back. That once blank canvas of muscle and skin will now be lined with your lov- lust. This is just lust. You have to remind yourself of this fact every time he pushes into you.

He quietly hisses with each streak until he pauses his thrusts. You pout, leaning back a bit to ask if anything is wrong. But before you can even part your lips, Taehyung is readjusting his grip from your hips to your tube top.

“You’re a fucking slut to dress like this for him,” he growls. Then, in one swift motion, he pulls it down. You gasp as your breasts spill out, not out of exposure, but simply shock. He grips onto the rolled down top and smirks. “They’re a little uneven,” he points out. “But, I like that about them. Does he too? Does he get to see you like this, slut?”

You’ve got it wrong. It’s not your use of his nickname that has sent him spiralling into a pit of dominance, but rather that you went out to see another man. Is that why he ripped your pants apart? He’s destroying the outfit he thinks you wore for somebody else. Not only that, but his words only confirm that he is indeed sculpting you. All from memory, Taehyung has been molding your naked body down to the precise imperfection of your slightly uneven breasts.

And while you’re still trying to make sense of it all, he slaps one of them causing you to moan and throw your head back. Taehyung grabs a hold of your chin and drags your head back down to meet his gaze. “Answer me,” he seethes. “How much of you does he have?”

“None!” You shout. Your breathing is uneven, and you have to swallow the lump in your throat to continue, “I don’t even remember his name; he’s irrelevant.”

Taehyung circles his hips around yours, clearly pleased with your reply. But he does not pick up where he left off. “You haven’t been able to remember a lot tonight. Is that all irrelevant to you too?”

The shake of your head is reactive. You barely even had to think about it. This act of pretending that you don’t feel anything for him anymore has clearly fallen. “That’s not it, Taehyung,” you whine, hooking a leg around his waist. He wipes the tears streaming down your face as you continue, “I just didn’t want to remember us.”

Licking his lips, Taehyung slowly pulls out and eases himself back in. You tremble, watery eyes twitching in bliss. “Tell me how long you’ve been needy, baby,” he whispers.

“Have I not said enough already?”

You clutch onto his biceps and buck your hips up to meet his. He gasps, unable to hide his smile. You can tell he wants to finish this conversation but, with the way your walls are tightening around him, he doesn’t seem like he’s able to. One look in his eyes and you can tell he’s consumed by the pleasure all too much to reply.

Taehyung lets one hand fall to his side when he starts to pick up his pace. You shift one of your hands to his shoulders while the other holds onto the table’s edge. He holds you by the grip he has on your rolled tube top and smacks his hips against yours. It’s almost as if he’s riding a horse with the way he’s fucking you. And if you don’t whine loud enough, he’d slap each of your tits and force those screams out of you, growling, “You can do better than that.”

Removing your hands off him and back to the table, you accidentally rest your hand on one of his palettes. You gasp, looking over to find your hand smeared with blue and yellow hues. Taehyung laughs and rams into you faster. “You’re just making a mess wherever you go, hmm?” he teases.

You pout. He’s having too much fun making a mockery of you. Granted, you’re loving the attention, the way he’s fucking you into submission and realization, but you cannot let all this go to his head too much. As he smacks your breasts once more, nipples a little raw as they sting, you wipe your hand on him, down from his cheek to his collarbone.

He gasps, but his hips never stutter. Before you can even register his actions, Taehyung readjusts his grip from your top to your breasts and shoves his face between them. He transfers the swirl of dark blue and gold all over you as he fucks you as senseless as you predicted.

And as he playfully punishes you, blowing raspberries into your chest, you find yourself missing this, missing him. How could you have forgotten he likes to get playful, that he can switch between his two demeanours so seamlessly? He giggles when he pushes your breast into his face and further stains them with paint.

“The only one making a mess is you,” you rush to whine as your impending orgasm nears.

Dipping your hand in more paint, you rub the colours on his back and shoulders. You’re going to colour him yours if this is the last thing the two of you do together. Paint on his skin, in his hair, all over him, you’re going to make your impression here last through all the moans and whines and lewd slouches of your sensitive wetness around him.

Taehyung kisses his way up to your lips. He slips his tongue in once he reaches them and rolls his hips into you particularly harder than before. He can feel that he’s got you trailing the edge of your high. Thrust upwards, Taehyung reaches your most sensitive place. Every ram into it makes you shudder, toes curling and moans pouring into his mouth. One of his hands shifts up to your breast, massaging the smeared paint in, while the other holds your hips in place.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whines against your lips. “Come back to me.”

He can’t do this. He can’t beg you to come back with his dick shoved so deep in you like this. You’re so fucking close and he knows this. He can feel every inch of you tighten around him and desperate to be released. It’s cruel of him to manipulate you like this, to kiss you like he’s lost in the moment when he’s really just lost in you.

Kissing his way to your ear, Taehyung feels your pussy quiver. He smirks, thrusting hard enough to move the table back, and growls in your ear, “Come back to me, my muse. Cum.”

You fall back onto the table, body a total shaking shock as your orgasm washes over every inch of you. With one hand trembling over your lips, your other grabs onto one of your tits in an effort to brace yourself from the rush of ecstasy that overcomes you. The moans and whines that leave you are no exception to your convulsing state. Their breathless, broken, and blaring as you practically scream out in bliss.

Taehyung enjoys the show, watching you forget how to breathe from his place between your legs. He’s still going fast and hard, groaning when he feels you coat his cock in your cum. Mesmerized by the sight of your unheld breast bouncing with each of his thrust, he slaps it. You squeal at the sting.

And as you try to look at him, still riding out your orgasm, Taehyung’s cock twitches only to paint your inner walls with his missed affections. He falls forward, over you, burying his face between your tits again. You push them into his face and shake them against his cheeks, hearing him growl over your heart.

At some point, he stops thrusting and opts to circling his hips into yours. It’s all the same to you. Your legs continue to shake and your heart still races. Drenched in sweat, paint, and clay, you two lie there for a second longer. Even while growing limp, Taehyung feels so full in you.

He peels himself off you. His face, glistening in paint, looks like Van Gogh’s starry night, his eyes being the sparkling stars. He smirks down at you before trailing his gaze lower. That smile falls with every part of you he realizes he has ruined. Your chest is exposed and covered in colours, shirt non existent, pants clay stained and torn straight down the middle, and pussy a sopping mess of your mixed cum when he pulls out.

“I did make a mess,” he pants.

One step back, then two, then three. He distances himself from you as if ashamed of his work. You slowly sit up and cross your legs. Already, they feel strained and sore. But, they’re the least of your worries. It's the way that Taehyung winces at the sight of you, that has your heart somersaulting into your stomach. You swallow thickly between heaving pants and watch him carefully. He’s completely bare and looks even more broke than you do. His gaze looks vague and face sickly. Shaking his head, Taehyung runs a hand through his hair. He looks so annoyed with himself, he cannot even find it in him to laugh at the fact that he only got more paint in his hair.

Crossing your arms over your chest to cover yourself up a bit, you say, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

He blinks repeatedly, snapping his attention back up at you. “Why aren’t you disturbed by this?” He questions, voice all but breaking.

Your eyes scan up and down his frame before your brows knit together in confusion. Is he referring to his naked body, or that the two of you just came to the thought of dating each other again? Still, why is either of those things worth being disturbed over? A naked Taehyung post sex has never been a bad sight and, though things did end horribly, the thought of being with him again doesn’t seem so bad now. Did he not mean it when he asked you to come back? Was it just something to get off to? Are you just something to get off to?

“What?” You whisper now that your anxious train of thought has robbed your voice.

“Aren’t you dating?” He clarifies. “That poor guy. I can’t believe I just let us do that.”

You’ve never seen him this distressed. He walks back to you, just to grab his jumpsuit and briefs. He can’t even bear to look at you as you stare back at him in complete confusion. What does he think happened here? That you cheated? Clenching your jaw, you can't believe that he could think that low of you. Then again, you never did blatantly say that it was your first date since the break up. In fact, now that you think about it, you did make it seem like you were in a relationship with someone else.

Taehyung hastily gets dressed as you try to hop off the table without falling on your face from how weak your legs are after such a fucking. “Tae,” you start only to have him walk away. With a sigh, you call after him. He ignores you.

What the hell are you supposed to do now? You sure as hell can’t follow him with your legs so sore and he doesn’t seem to want to talk to you. And even if you could walk, your clothes are ruined and it would take a while for an uber to get here with all the snow coming down out there. The distant spray of the shower directs your attention to the hallway Taehyung escaped down to get away from you. Great, he’s showering and left you here to figure this all out yourself.

Taking a seat on the floor, you decide to give your legs a moment to rest before ordering yourself an uber and hoping that this night ends soon. You should’ve listened to your gut and rejected his call. You shouldn’t have agreed to this, or come here, or let him remind you just how much you miss and love him. All you ever wanted was- is him. If it haven’t been for this whole stupid issue about moving in, you’d still have him.

But, no. You had to force him into a step he wasn’t ready for. You lost him then and you came back to watch yourself lose him again. Is that it? Is that why you didn’t even explain yourself to the poor guy that was sitting across from you at Rollos. Yes, Rollos; that’s where you went for drinks. Wow, your memory really hasn’t served you well tonight. You hope you forget this tomorrow. You hope you'll be able to forget how pathetic you feel, how hurt he sounds, and how you lost him all over again.

“Get up,” Taehyung orders. His voice is rough, like he had been sobbing.

Looking over to him, you find that could’ve actually been the case. His face is tear streaked now as well as paint smeared. He stands a good few feet away from you, glaring down at your woefully ruined frame. “Taehyung, I’m not-”

He doesn’t seem to want to hear any of it. “Get up,” he repeats. “Go shower. I have some clothes for you to wear then I’m taking you home.”

“Tae, just liste-”

“Delete my number. We never talk about this again. And if you’re at all like the person I loved, you’d tell him the truth.”

Is he seriously judging you right now? You’ve barely even had a chance to explain yourself. He really doesn’t want to listen to anything you have to say, cutting you off like you’re less than him. You cannot help but scoff at him and his words.

Taehyung sighs. “Just please get up, (Y/N).”

“I’m not dating anyone.”

His superiority falls. The life returns to his face as he approaches you but you recoil into yourself the moment he steps forward. Pausing, he tilts his head at you. “What is it?”

What is it? This man is going to be the death of you. “You just shamed me for something that wasn’t true, Taehyung!” You shout.

“I thought you were cheating with me!”

You use the table to help yourself up and dryly chuckle. “Ha, yeah because lying is such a normal thing to do, right? I’m as twisted as you, Taehyung.”

“I lied because I knew saying no would hurt you. Why can’t you see that I was just looking out for you?”

That one sentence makes you freeze in place. Is he really that fucking dense? He can’t seriously believe that looking out for someone you love involves lying. Slowly turning to face him, you don't even make an effort to hide your tears anymore. “You were looking out for yourself and you know it!”

“I just didn’t-”

“Want to grow tired of me.” You finish for him in a mocking tone.

Taehyung huffs, shaking his head. “That’s not what I was going to say. Would you just let me finish?”

You’re done with this stupid conversation. All you want to do is go home and get as far away as possible from him and the way he smells and the fact that even though you hate him so much right now, you want him to come and hug you and tell you everything is going to be okay. But, he’s just so annoying. And you can’t bear to look at him anymore with that cold glare consistently being directed towards you. You’ll wait outside for the uber. Hell, you’ll just walk back to your apartment. Anything to get out of here and away from him.

In an attempt to follow through, you try to make your way towards the door, but your legs almost instantly give out.

“Jesus, babe,” Taehyung hisses, rushing to your side.

It’s not even just the fact that you’re sore but your ripped pants are starting to rub up against your cum leaking pussy. You whine a bit and try to shake him off in order to jump back onto the table. But, you’re thankful he stays by your side because you definitely cannot get up there alone with your lacking upper body strength.

His hands linger on your thighs, softening eyes locked on yours. A hint of a smirk plays on his lips before he says, “I remember doing this to you often.”

Yes, leaving you limping around the apartment was his favourite pastimes. He liked to watch you struggle to walk after every intimate moment. In fact, he always felt like he didn’t do his job right if you’re not limping. He’d go ten times rougher the next time around and then cuddle you to his chest, cooing reassurances in your ear. Was it bad that you wanted that all the time? That you wanted to sleep and wake up in the same bed he does everyday?

Slow tears roll down your face as you take his hand art stained in yours. “It was my first date since our break up,” you confess. “Sumni asked for your number… and for permission to go out with you. I just felt a little hurt that you were moving on.”

“She called.”

Your heart has shattered too many times tonight to even react to his words, but you can feel your soul shudder. She called. And did he answer? Did he have a drink with her too? You want to ask but your pride swallows your questions whole. All you can bring yourself to say is, “She’s a nice girl.”

He nods. Squeezing your hand, Taehyung wraps his arm loosely around your waist and stands in front of you. “I told her I wasn’t really ready to see anyone else yet,” he tells you, pressing himself against you.

The gesture is not at all sexual and you do not interpret it as such. Rather, it is tender and comforting. He releases his hold on your hand to wipe your tears, letting his own fall. Licking his lips, he whispers, “What’s his name?”

You shrug.

“Come on,” he half-heartedly nudges your legs. “Tell me.”

Does he think you’re trying to spare his feelings? Meeting his gaze, you can’t help but smile. He looks so cute, so precious in front of you. Playing with his hand, your fingers looping around his, you reply, “I don’t remember. I only spoke to him for half an hour or something.”

He cannot hide his smile, but avoids your gaze. Even still, you can see the relief within them. He seems to be pleased that you’re just as miserable as he is, pining after someone you cannot have any more.

“Is that why you came over?”

You shake your head before you can even think the action through. And the words leave your lips just the same, “I just missed you.”

“I really missed you too,” he croaks, rushing to say the words like he can’t believe them himself. “God, I’ve just wanted you back for so long.”

He’s all but sobbing in front of you. Parting your lips, you’re about to tell him that he doesn’t have you, not yet anyways. The fact is that he still lied, and has continued to lie to manipulate you. This cannot be forgiven so easily. You love and miss him dearly, but surely you cannot just take him back without discussing the cause of your break up first.

But then, Taehyung burrows his face into the crook of your neck and lets himself fall apart. Hugging you close, he cries into your skin. You cannot hold back the sob that tears through your throat just from the mere sound of his choked breaths and wet tears against you.

“I’m so sorry,” he cries as you cradle his head. “I’m sorry.”

The broken tone of his voice is enough to make you whimper into his hair. He sounds so fragile. This break up, you realize, has torn him inside out too. Pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead, you try to console both of your fears. But every sob trembles your courage and every drop of his tears makes you recoil in guilt and shame. How could you have done this to him, to your relationship?

He shudders a breath as he pulls away. Red in the face, wet streaks staining his painted cheeks, he cups his hands under your jaw and says, “Look, you can move in right now, okay? Alright? I’ll get your things tomorrow. I’ll give you Jungkook’s key. He only comes here to steal our food anyways.” Just stay, please (Y/N).”

His voice is shaky and tone all but heartbreaking as he chuckles at his own little joke. The desperation is real and hard to deny. You cannot even open your mouth to even voice your reservations about dating again. Clutching onto his jumpsuit, you try to revert your gaze to your lap in hopes to find your courage and tell him that you need to talk first. Only, Taehyung dips his head low to catch your eyes again. He’s determined to have you stay. And your silence only provokes more tears.

“I promise I’ll never tell another lie,” he sobs. “I promise I’ll never let my worries get in between us again. Please, baby, just please stay. Say that you’ll stay.”

You cannot watch this for another moment longer. There’s lots you still have left to discuss, like why he’s so worried about growing tired of you, and why he felt the need to lie in the first place. But his promise to never do it again is enough for now. And you just can’t sit here watching him cry any longer. You pull him towards you, pepper his cheeks with gentle kisses then cradle his head.

“I’m not going anywhere, Tae,” you mutter into his hair. “Mostly because I can’t.”

Your attempt at a joke causes him to choke out a chuckle. He showers the crook of your neck with wet kisses, muttering into your skin, “I love you.”

Rapturing in a relieved frenzy, your nerves dance within your bloodstream and repair your ruptured heart. You let out a deep breath you didn’t even realize you were holding. “I love you too,” you cry.

The last four months haven’t granted you a shred of peace. You’ve lived and re-lived that argument over and over again, praying you can just go back and fix it all there and then. But, maybe… maybe it all needed to fall apart to fall back into place. Maybe it needed to rupture to rapture.

tags: @miinoongi​, @jenotation​, @allannahmalik​, @taeshuworld​

note; please do not leave hate towards me or any other readers. please do not copy, repost, or translate any of my work without my permission.

[purplesurveys]

1275

When you were younger, did your mother or father ever let you open a few presents before Christmas or your birthday even arrived?  We open all our presents the night of Christmas Eve to begin with; but no, they don’t tease by letting us open a few of them before our usual schedule.

If you could receive a 100 dollar gift card for either blouses, pants, dresses, shoes or purses, which would you chose?  If I could change blouses to shirts, then I would go with that because I’ve recently gotten into t-shirts and sweatshirts and no longer the trendy and preppy tops I used to like haha. But if not, I would go for shoes.

What is your favorite thing to do after crying? Ex: Sleep, listen to music, have some alone time, talk to someone, etc?  It varies as it depends on how much I cried. The harder I cried the more I’d want to sleep it off, because it can actually get pretty exhausting. Sometimes I’ll reach out, sometimes I write. It’s really different every time, but at the end I’m just glad I can no longer even remember the last time I cried out of sadness.

Do you think Trump will be assassinated, or will he survive his term?  Well we know the answer to this. It’s satisfying to notice him disappear off the face of the Earth immediately after his term, though. I don’t have a clue what he’s up to now.

Last time you felt suicidal?  For some reason I felt down last Thursday and I felt the slightest, slightest tinge of suicidal thoughts. No idea where it came from.

Last time you had butterflies?  Ugh idk but it was probably BTS-related hahahahahahah

Biggest asshole you know?  Certain politicians.

Did you ever leave someone because you know you’d hurt them?  No, I was on the opposite side of the coin for this one. I was broken up with because they believed they would hurt me, if not already doing so.

What song did you last listen to?  Hip Hop Phile by BTS.

Ever ridden in a police car?  Nopes.

Ever witnessed a murder?  Hmm, not that I can recall. I do remember having to monitor crime stories for one of my very first journalism assignments and the one time I didn’t tag along to the fieldwork with my classmates, they got to witness a stabbing incident :/ By itself of course it always sucks to have violent situations like those, but as a reporter it would’ve been interesting to see the scene and its aftermath.

Have you ever lied under oath?  I don’t think so, no. I can’t even remember the last time I was put under oath.

Have you ever failed a subject before? I’ve failed exams but never an entire class.

Have you ever had a deadly animal as a pet?  No.

Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender?  Well yeah, I dated one.

Have you ever been in a hot tub before?  Sure.

Have you ever been to a movie that sold out?  I’ve never experienced trying to buy tickets only to find out they’re all sold out, but that’s also probably because we have hundreds of malls in Manila alone and you can always find a theatre that are still offering tickets.

What movie last made you too scared to go to sleep?  I’m not usually that way with horror movies, but I do remember running into a jumpscare on TikTok while I was scrolling at 3 AM. Not fun.

When you’re on a laptop, do you hook up a mouse or use the touchpad?  Touchpad. I never use a mouse.

What’s your mom’s mom’s name?  Agnes.

Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the person you like?  I’m not interested in anyone so this shouldn’t be a problem.

Have you ever been tempted to steal?  Sure, but the urge is never so strong.

What is the main character’s name in the book you’re reading? I’m not reading anything.

Do you have a favorite local band? Who are they? Nah. I did have a Ben&Ben phase, though I haven’t revisited their music in a long time.

Who’s the last person you saw naked, aside from yourself?  I’m not sure about completely naked, probably still my ex. As for partially naked, my dad sometimes goes shirtless at home as most Filipino dads do lol.

Who’s your favorite horror monster/killer?  The most iconic for me would be that porcupine looking ass from Resident Evil 4, I believe it was meant to be for one of the boss stages or something. Anyway, it’s memorable for me just because that fucker had been impossible to defeat and I loved watching my older cousin do attempt after attempt. I don’t think he ever got to beat him and by the time he did us cousins were already adults, lol.

On a side note, we called him ‘Porcupine’ as kids since a shitload of spikes would stick out of him unpredictably during the boss stage, and I thought that nickname had been just our thing; but I’m actually surprised that that villain actually comes up when you do a simple ‘Resident Evil 4 porcupine’ search haha. I guess other people called him the same thing too.

What kind of music do you prefer to listen to when driving?  I usually put on a playlist of BTS’ rapline; I tend to enjoy high-energy songs while driving.

Would you ever own a hairless rat, cat or dog?  I don’t see why I wouldn’t when it comes to the dog. I don’t want a cat or rat. 

All the people you’ve kissed, what did their names start with?  G.

What did you and your ex fight about most?  It was about the deeper, more profound stuff. We never saw eye to eye about the future, if we were helping the other grow, etc. Someone was always scared or insecure about something that the other could never help with fixing.

Don’t you love long hugs?  Sure, I love getting hugs as long as I’m comfy around the one giving it.

And long kisses?  Mhm, they’re nice.

Have you ever purchased condoms?  Only for Angela when she had still been too shy to ask for it herself. 

Have you ever gone on vacation with your boyfriend/girlfriend?  No. We had gone out of town for daytrips, but never for a fully-decked out vacation.

Have you ever trashed your ex’s car after an argument?  I wouldn’t do anything that loud. My resentment’s a lot more reserved and subtle, definitely on the passive-aggressive side.

Would you leave a note on a car claiming responsibility if you damaged it?  If I left like a paint scratch, no. If I was somehow stupid enough to manage wrecking the car then yes.

Have you ever used someone's handicapped parking pass to get a parking spot?  Oh that’s just gross. No. I do remember unknowingly parking over a spot meant for the handicapped once just because the paint was so fucking faded. It was genuinely so hard to tell but in the end I ended up just getting out of the spot and looked for another just to be on the safe, unassholey side.

Are you embarrassed to tell people your job?  Not at all! I love telling people I work in PR and sharing the brands I work with...it’s just a bitch trying to explain what exactly it is I do on a normal day. I’m still blanking out on it now that I’m thinking about it, haha. PR’s a challenge to summarize in one or two sentences.

If you ran over an animal would you keep driving?  I honestly have no clue how I’d deal with it. Ideally I would pull over and help bring it to the side of the road, and try to ask for help from passersby as well. I’m still not sure what I should/would do next.

Where’s the best place to eat a romantic dinner?  French, Spanish, and Italian restaurants always seem to carry a pleasant, date-y atmosphere to them, so any of those cuisines should be ok. I also like quieter restaurants with warm yellow lighting, since that makes me feel at home the most. The place definitely doesn't have to be super popular; I would just want for it to serve good food.

What hobby would you get into if time and money weren’t an issue?  Flying planes.

What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?  Probably something that’s booked with thrill-seeking adventures? Like a day of wakeboarding, paragliding, skydiving, riding an ATV...I would be exhausted as fuck and sleep for the next three days, but I can’t even begin to imagine how fun it would be.

When people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with? Writing stuff. < Yeah, essentially. My friends ask me for general life advice too.

Has anybody criticized the way your significant other looked like?  Yeah. But I always defended her.

Have you written or drawn anything for somebody else?  I mean I’ve written long letters, but I haven’t made a poem or song for anyone.

Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished?  These days it would probably be Arlan. He just finished his Masters in Journalism at Columbia and I couldn’t be more proud. I remember wanting to attend Columbia too, but seeing how my love of journalism turned out...I’ve long accepted the fact that that route was not meant for me, hahaha.

What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?  Finish a painting, which can also serve as a callout to me lol.

What would you rate 10/10?  Seafood.

What do you hope never changes?  My relationships with my best friends.

Would you ever have sex with the last person you texted?  No, I barely have a clue who she is and she seemed decades older when she called me up this morning.

Is there anyone that you’d love to just spill your guts to?  I’m good.

Where is the person you have feelings at right now? 

Are you happy with your relationship status?  Yessssssss. I love not having to worry about another person to spend on LOL

When did you last cry? What for?  Two Saturdays ago. The one-year mark of my breakup had been coming up and an overwhelming wave of emotions just flooded me all of a sudden, I guess. There was happiness and relief from not being stuck in it anymore; feeling sorry for myself as I remembered the turmoil and deterioration I went through in the latter part the year; anger for the shit she pulled; and there was also just the general feeling of being grateful that I’m still here after everything.

Do you think you’re wasting your time on the person you love? 

When’s the next time you’ll kiss someone?  No clue. I’m not holding my breath for it and that’s okay.

Were you ever scared to death of anyone you knew? Or are you currently?  Yeah, unfortunately I’ve always been surrounded by at least one person who terrifies me.

What’s the longest you’ve been away from home by yourself?  Nothing more than a day. That’s something I have yet to try out.

Have you ever been made fun of, because of what you look like?  Athenna was relentless in her insults. I dunno why I was friends her for as long as I was.

Have you ever made fun of others, because of what they look like?  If they’re some random person on the internet with disgusting political views, then yeah; but it’s just thoughts I keep in my head and I never verbalized the bullying. But not anyone in real life. Do you think it’s cute when you’re leaving a place, and a guy says “no hug?”  If I’m friends with the person I’ll banter with them for a bit until I give in for a hug. If it was any other guy I barely know...I would be disgusted and throw them the dirtiest glare.

Do you wear short shorts (if you’re a girl)? I didn't know short shorts were specific to females. < LOL same. Anyway no, not these days. I used to but they’re not really a part of my personal style anymore.

Who are you the most uncomfortable around?  Relatives with the wrong political views.

Who has your heart?  Nobody.

Should cloning ever be allowed to happen?  I don’t see the point. No.

Are you impatient with really shy people? If it gets to the point that they seem aloof and radiate very I-could-not-care-less-about-getting-along-with-any-of-you vibes, then yeah I feel like I would get irritated pretty fast. But I was an extremely shy person once too, so I’m typically friendly with them and I would usually be That person who constantly stays next to them so they feel like they belong.

Does your house have air conditioning throughout, or do you have one that sits in your window?  It sits in the window, as with most households here.

What is the most ridiculous band name you’ve heard recently?  I haven’t encountered anything wacky recently.

Would you ever get a fashion mullet?  No.

Do you believe that Jesus lived and is returning?  No.

Do you believe in spiritual gifts?  No.

Do you believe in callings?  Not really, no.

If you were rich, would you get a professional photoshoot done?  Hell no. I get extremely sheepish in front of a camera and a thousand times worse at posing.

[snapadoodlez]

Doctor Who Series 10 Playlist

So I make a lot of playlists as a hobby and, par for the course, I wound up making one for Series 10 of Doctor Who. I’m quite happy with how it turned out, so I’m sharing it here on the off-chance you’ll enjoy it as well!

Here’s the Spotify link (will prob. post an embedded version later):   https://open.spotify.com/user/sirenssongs/playlist/0lvaeVUc8YcjG7QVUb1qiA

In this playlist, the songs/events are organized chronologically (versus by episode order): it starts off at the execution planet scene in Extremis ( “See I’m Smiling”) and picks up later at the university with The Pilot and the introduction of Bill (”Dear Old Shiz”/ “See Her Smile”).  Along with the Twissy/Bill emotional arcs, it fills in some of the (*cough*vault-shaped*cough*) gaps.  It is long: but if you need something to listen to and feel like revisiting the story while you work/study/etc., hopefully this’ll do the trick!

I’ve included the track-list and guide below (full-list below “Keep Reading” line). I hope you enjoy it, and I’d  love to hear if you do!  If you don’t listen to the whole thing, maybe you’ll find a new song or two.   I’ve made some other DW playlists for previous series’, so if you like this, I may go back and post those as well.

Track-list & Guide:

1. See I’m Smiling – The Last Five Years

“Oh… Doctor… I didn’t expect to see you.  Thought you’d retired… domestic bliss on Darillium, that’s the word among the Daleks…”

“Please, teach me… teach me how to be… good.” “Without Hope? Without Witness?  Without Reward?”

2. Say No To This – Hamilton

“I am your friend.” “Makes no difference.” “… I have to say it, the truth.  Without hope.  Without witness.  Without reward.  I am your friend.”

“You swore an oath! “I swore an oath I’d look after her body for a thousand years.  Nobody mentioned dead.”

The Doctor is conflicted.

3. Hey #1 – Next to Normal Uncertain early days in the vault.

4. Do You Want to Build a Snowman? – Frozen *vault* Missy doesn’t want to build a snowman.

5. I Won’t Say I’m in Love – Hercules *vault* Missy wrangles with her feelings.

6. Back to Me – Marian Hill & Lauren Jauregui *vault* Missy sets to schemin’ on Twelve.

7. Dear Old Shiz – Wicked Professor Twelve.

8. See Her Smile – tick, tick…BOOM!

“My mum always said, ‘With some people you can smell the wind in their clothes.’” “Oh.  She sounds nice.” “She died when I was a baby.” “If she died when you were a baby, when did she say that?” “In my head…There’s hardly any photographs…But if someone’s gone, do pictures really help?”

9. You’re Welcome – Moana

“Time And Relative Dimension in Space.  TARDIS for short.”

10. What’s This? – Nightmare Before Christmas Bill has a lot of questions

11. Sally Ride – Janelle Monáe

“The last thing she said to me.  She promised she wouldn’t leave without me.” “Her last conscious thought, driving her across the universe.  Never underestimate a crush.”

12. You’ll Be In My Heart – Tarzan (Phil Collins)

“What changed your mind?” “Time.” “Time?” “And Relative Dimension In Space. It means, what the hell?”

13. Everything Else – Next to Normal

“A piano?  You’ve put a piano in there?  You don’t learn, do you, sir.”

14. Light My Candle – Rent *vault* Missy gets bolder. The Doctor is flustered.

15. No Angel – Beyoncé *vault* Missy makes a move.

16. Wondaland – Janelle Monáe

“I’m smelling home twenty lightyears from home.  Thanks for bringing me! This is a great day out.”

Bill and the Doctor venture out in Time and Space.

17. Champagne – In the Heights

“Hey!  Do you want dinner?  I’ve got Mexican.”

18. Heaven’s Light/Hellfire – The Hunchback of Notre Dame The Doctor has conflicting feelings about his oldest friend.

19. Partition – Beyoncé Quality *vault* time

20. Take Care (feat. Rihanna) – Drake *vault* Twissy angst.

21. Malibu – Miley Cyrus *vault* Twissy fluff.

22. Go To The Mirror Boy! – The Who (Tommy)

“Nardole, I can’t… I can’t look at anything ever again.  I’m still blind.”

23. Handlebars – Flobots

“If you do not ask for help, then see the days to come.  These are the threads that lead to one year in your future.  Take them as proof.”

“I’m asking you for help.  I’m giving my consent.”

The Monks invade.

24. Tango: Maureen – Rent

“God, the way you and Nardole have been carrying on, I thought you had some kind of monster in here, or something!” “I do.”

25. Many Moons – Janelle Monáe

“Our mission is to interrupt their broadcast and replace it with the true history of Earth.”

“Oh, you clever, brilliant, ridiculous girl… The lie is breaking.  Bill’s mum, you just went viral!”

26. Life Support – Rent

“I keep remembering all the people I’ve killed.  Every day I think of more… I didn’t know I even knew their names.  You didn’t tell me about this bit.”

27. Every Single Night – Fiona Apple

“I’m sorry… but this is good.” “Okay.”

28. Life on Mars? – David Bowie

“I need to get back to Mars.. and I was wondering if you could tell me how to fix…” “Of course I can. It’s probably easier if I just show you.”

29. Haunted – Beyoncé

“This can’t happen.  This is not what we agreed to.  I’m going to have to put you back in the Vault.  You know that.” “Sure.  That’s fine.  But Doctor, please tell me.  Really.  Are you all right?”

30. Training Wheels – Melanie Martinez

“ The alternative is that this is for real, and it’s time for us to become friends again.” “ Do you think so?” “I don’t know. That’s the trouble with hope. It’s hard to resist.”

31. I’ve Grown Accustomed To Her Face – My Fair Lady (Rex Harrison) The Doctor realizes he’s been catching feelings.

32. Satisfied – Hamilton

“ She was my first friend, always so brilliant, from the first day at the Academy. So fast, so funny. She was my man crush.”

“ She’s the only person that I’ve ever met who’s even remotely like me.”

33. Bonfire Heart – James Blunt

“ We had a pact, me and him. Every star in the universe, we were going to see them all. But he was too busy burning them. I don’t think she ever saw anything.” “And you think that if she did, she’d change?” “I know she would.”

34. Moonrise Kingdom – Angel Haze

“She scares me. Like, she really scares me…So promise me one thing, yeah? Just promise you won’t get me killed.”

35. It’s Gonna Be Good – Next to Normal Missy joins Team TARDIS.  What could possibly go wrong?

36. There’s a World – Next to Normal

“Would you like some tea?”

“They are the cure. They are the future. To survive, they are what we must all become.”

37. Sincerely, Jane – Janelle Monáe

“This was a good place once… But this ship is old, everything is dying… You see, my dear. You must be strong to leave the hospital. And you will be. Soon. Very soon.”

“This won’t stop you feeling pain, but it will stop you caring about it. It fits over your head.”

38. I’m Alive (Reprise) – Next to Normal

“ He’ll never forgive you, you know, He’ll never set you free. Not when he discovers what you did to his little friend.” “I haven’t done anything to his silly little friend.” “ Oh, but I’m afraid you did. But a long time ago.”

“Hello, Missy. I’m the Master, and I’m very worried about my future.”

39. The Break – Next to Normal Try as she might, Missy can’t outrun her past.

40. The Master Vainglorious – Murray Gold (Doctor Who Series 3)

“You’ve met the ex?”

41. You Don’t Own Me (feat. G-Eazy) [Candyland Remix] – Grace

“Oh, am I a woman now?” “Well, kind of, yeah.” “Hold me!” “ Kiss Me!”   “Make Me!”

“The whole city is a machine to turn people into Cybermen.  What do you think? Exciting, isn’t it?”

42. Make Up Your Mind/Catch Me I’m Falling (Reprise) – Next to Normal

“I was secretly on your side all along, you silly sausage.” “Is that true?” “It’s hard to say, I’m in two minds…”

43. Skyscraper – Demi Lovato

“I can feel it.  In my head…It’s like I’m hanging on in a hurricane. And I can’t hang on forever.  I want you to know… as my friend…I don’t wanna live if I can’t be me anymore.  Do you understand?…Then it’s not possible, is it?”

“I tell you what else isn’t possible.  A cyberman crying.  Where there’s tears, there’s hope.”

44. This Woman’s Work– Greg Laswell (Kate Bush cover)

“You are so strong. You’re amazing. Your mind has rebelled against the programming. It’s built a wall around itself. A castle made of you, and you’re standing on the battlements, saying, ‘No! No, not me.’”

45. Louder Than Words – tick, tick…BOOM!

“Winning? Is that what you think it’s about? I’m not trying to win. I’m not doing this because I want to beat someone, because I hate someone, or because I want to blame someone. It’s not because it’s fun. God knows it’s not because it’s easy. It’s not even because it works because it hardly ever does. I do what I do because it’s right! Because it’s decent! And above all, it’s kind! It’s just that… Just kind.”

46. I Am the One – Next to Normal

“Stand with me…Why not?  Just to the end?  Just be kind.”

“See this face? Take a good long look. This is the face that didn’t listen to a word you just said.”

“Missy.  You’ve changed.  I know you have.  And I know what you’re capable of.  Stand with me.  It’s all I’ve ever wanted.” “Me too…  But no.  Sorry.  Just… no.  But thanks for trying.”

47. Tomorrow Will Be Kinder – The Secret Sisters (Hunger Games) The calm before the storm.

48. Blackout – In the Heights

“Who I am is where I stand. Where I stand is where I fall.”

49. The Rains of Castamere – The National (Game of Thrones)

“I loved being you. Every second of it. Oh, the way you burned like a sun, like a whole screaming world on fire. I remember that feeling. And I always will. And I will always miss it.”

50. The World Was Wide Enough – Hamilton

“Missy, seriously, why?” “Oh, because he’s right.  Because it’s time to stand with him.  It is where we’ve always been going, and it’s happening now.  Today. It’s time to stand with the Doctor.”

“I will never stand with the Doctor.  You see, Missy, this is where we’ve always been going.  This is our perfect ending. We shoot ourselves in the back.”

“Pity… no stars… I hoped there’d be stars…”

51. Whispering – Spring Awakening (Lea Michele)

“Without hope, without witness, without reward.”

52. Across the Universe – The Beatles

“I can put you back home, you can make your chips, live your life, or you can come with me.”

“It’s a big universe.  I hope I see you again.”

53. A Good Man? (Twelve’s Theme) – Murray Gold

“I don’t want to change again. Never again.  I can’t keep on being somebody else. Whatever it is, I’m staying.”

54. Doctor Who (Original Theme) – Ron Grainer

“Who is that?” “I’m the Doctor.” “The Doctor? No.. I don’t think so. No…dear me, no.  You may be a Doctor, but I am the Doctor.  The original, you might say.”

Bonus: This is Gallifrey: Our Childhood Home – Murray Gold (Doctor Who Series 3)

[yoshesqueblr]

Bayonetta Retrospective: An Update On The Lack Of Updates

I started my latest youtube series almost a year ago, with the intention of revisiting my favourite game with an updated lens. Things have been going slow on the updates lately, and I feel like I need to provide an explanation for a couple of things.

1. The missing updates

I know that people watching my latest series will be very confused at this. About a month ago I made the first four updates of this series private, never again intended to be viewable on my channel. There are many reasons for this, but the main one is that my co-commentator and I had a massive falling out, and I have no wish to be associated with him in any way any more. The finer details of this falling out are already known to anybody who follows me on twitter, but to my larger audience on youtube, they will have little to no clue about this. I will cover the details of this later in this update, but suffice to say those videos will never be coming back.

2. The co-commentator change

Save for a few viewers, I don’t believe there was much surprise at me changing commentators in this series. I originally had every intention of finishing the series with no changes in commentator, but external events prevented that from happening. Again, this is related to the aforementioned falling out I had with my old co-commentator.

It is highly likely that the series will be completed with the current commentator, assuming that they agree to it.

3. The lack of updates

The reasons for a lack of updates has been twofold; the major one being the falling out I had with my co-commentator, and the other being health-related. I have been in and out of hospital regularly since the beginning of this year, and this has obviously been disruptive to any update schedule I might have had.

Things are on the mend now, so look forward to sporadic updates again soon.

4. The falling out

I’m not sure where to begin with this. I have extensively documented the events over the last six months on my twitter. However, twitter is not the best platform for following a story spread over numerous tweets, so I’ll document the details here for posterity.

My old co-commentator and I were dating, from February 2016 to January 2017. I’ll henceforth refer to him as my ex to make things easier. We bonded over our appreciation of shared hobbies and simply became good friends, which then progressed to a relationship. This was a long distance relationship.

Obviously, things did not work out between us, and we broke up mutually in January 2017, towards the end of my stay with him. This was when I had gone over to see him in his country. When we broke up, I told him that we could probably still be friends, but that I would need some space before that could happen, and that I would contact him whenever I was ready for that day. We parted on amicable terms, considering the nature of our breakup.

I could go into detail about the breakup but it’s not really important to the story. Just know that it was very traumatic for me and involved approximately a week of being trapped with someone who I did not want to be around. I think a lot of people can empathise with the concept of grinning and bearing it for the sake of keeping things civil, and in my case, where I was very ill, in a foreign country and was staying with someone who, on one occasion, forced sexual favours out of me.

You may understand then that telling him that we could still be friends was a white lie, and most definitely a foolish move on my part. Throughout our relationship I picked up many clashing personality traits that I did not find palatable and did not want in a friendship. However, throughout my dating history I have always broken up with people more or less on friendly terms, and thus see no issue with extending a possibility of friendship, even if I have little to no intention of following through. Telling him that lie was, as far as I was concerned, standard operating procedure for a mutual breakup, and more than he deserved, in retrospect.

So to recap:

He and I had a pretty epic breakup

I lied to him and told him that friendship could still be on the table

However, I wanted space before that could happen

When I returned home, he contacted me immediately, wanting to know how I was. While this was technically a breach of our agreement, I let this slide as I was obviously very sick when I left, and I could understand that he just wanted to know what was wrong with me. I let him know what I felt comfortable with, and reminded him that I needed to be left alone.

It’s at this point that the dynamic between us started to change. Even though I had made it clear that I wanted to be left alone, he decided that that meant he could still talk to me like he used to. Over the course of a month he contacted me non stop, wanting to know how I was, trying to engage in a conversation with me. This was in spite of the prior agreement we had, on top of never getting a meaningful response from me, other than to remind him that I did not want to talk to him.

This was across many different email accounts, as well as texting my phone, and essentially using any shared media between us to try to get a message to me. Examples of this include changing the name of a shared youtube playlist, or editing a shared google document. I started to block his attempts at contact, including making my twitter account private. I also began to vent about it indirectly.

It was clear to me that at this point that he was harassing me; he knew that I did not want to be contacted by him and yet was trying to contact me however he could. I confronted him via email, telling him that he had ruined any chance of being friends again by repeatedly ignoring my simple request, and to stop harassing or contacting me. After this he seemed to understand, and sent me a last email, telling me to contact him whenever I was ready. This was in February. All’s well that ends well, right?

let’s play a game and count the number of times he says this

btw, that pet name? I told him when we broke up he couldn’t call me that any more. He still uses it every time he contacts me.

Well, as you might be expecting, he didn’t stop contacting me. He felt the need to contact me on skype a few times, and less than three weeks after that “last” email, he sent me another email. It was a “monthly mail checkup”. I was at the end of my rope at this point and was beyond treating him nicely. I essentially told him to fuck off. He seemed under the impression that he had to actively try to win me back, “[b]ecause we both know that you will never come back to me from your own volition and I’m the one who has to shake you up.” (direct quote).

At this point, I just stopped replying. It was obvious he was never going to give up on me and normally the best thing to do in this instance is to lay low and ignore all attempts at contact. At this point I made my twitter private and blocked his account. I’m mentioning twitter because this whole mess contains a hefty dose of twitter drama and is important to some of the later details.

I will make it clear that I was not talking about this harassment from him during this time. To my followers on twitter, everything was normal (sans a distinct lack of updates for the series)

About a month after the last point of contact, I felt that I needed to explain to my followers what was happening with the retrospective; it had been three months since the last update and I had zero intention of working with my ex ever again. I made my twitter account public and explained that the series was on hold, because my ex had been harassing me, and pinned this tweet to my profile. You will notice that there is no direct reference to his harassment in that tweet, only in a reply.

I suppose it shouldn’t have surprised me to receive an email from him after that. The subject?

yeah, not threatening at all

In it, he said that I was lying about/fabricating the harassment accusation, and essentially broke up with me (again? yeah, that confused me too). I tried to explain to him how exactly he was harassing me, but he absolutely refused to see his actions as anything other than a friend reaching out. Repeatedly. Despite knowing that he had been blocked. And knowing that I didn’t want contact with him.

lol memes. “last time I’ll contact you” part two

We exchanged a lot of emails, because he tried to get me to agree to a conversation on skype and I refused. For some reason he thought an IM conversation would be less impulsive than one done via email? Yeah, he wasn’t making much sense to me either. Ultimately, it ended up with him thinking that things were on the mend and trying to give me an ultimatum (reply to me by this time otherwise we’re over). Because I hadn’t already made that clear enough for him?

I happily ignored him and he sent a final parting shot of an email, which I guess was supposed to be scathing but simply came across as aiming in the wrong direction completely. So in case you’ve lost track, he’d broken up/cut ties with me twice by now. I thought things were finally over and blocked him on everything else I could think of and made my twitter private again.

“im cutting ties with you for real this time” part three

Again, on my twitter, I made no direct reference to what had been happening to me.

Not nine days later, he sent me an email from a blocked address. With a quote from a Jackie Chan movie (lmao). I ignored it. A week after that, another email, from two blocked email addresses. A week after that, another email, from six addresses. To top it off, he used a throwaway twitter account to tell me to check my spam.

Oh boy, this one was the doozy. He called me emotionally abusive and all other manner of nasty things, including that I deserved to get sick because it was payback for all the awful things I had done to him. You know, just normal standard stuff you say to a good friend.

To say that email upset me is an understatement. I stayed up all night wondering whether I had truly been abusive to him. After talking about it with friends and strangers (Something Awful link), I came to the conclusion that he was just trying to hurt me to get me to reply to him, and whether it was true or not, what he was doing was much worse. I doubt he’s had the same level of self-reflection on his behaviour.

It was at this point I started looking into legal options, with very little promising results. I started keeping a log of his attempts at contacting me though, in case it ever because useful.

Five days after that abusive email, on the day Bayonetta was released on PC, he sent me another email. He also sent me a question on my (now deactivated) ask.fm account, telling me to check my spam. At no point did he make reference to the abusive shit he hurled at me, he just acted like everything was normal.

In the hours leading up to Bayonetta being released on Steam, I streamed some Angel Slayer because I was hella excited, man! Guess who pops up in the stream chat? Guess who got blocked? Guess who created another account and tried to engage in a conversation with me? Guess who got IP banned? Yeah, shit’s crazy. At this point I start making direct reference to his harassment on twitter.

all in one day. not harassment!

Let’s pause for a moment and take in the view:

From the time I came back from visiting him, he refused to stop contacting me, despite being told multiple times to do so

He sent me an abusive email

He was aware that he was blocked and circumvented it by creating many different accounts

not harassment tho

Two weeks after he sent that nasty tirade, he sent another email, saying that he was ashamed that he had sent it to me, and that he just wanted to be friends again. Not a single apology for what he had sent, but he just expected that things would be okay after that, because HE wanted things to be okay, forget about anything I wanted or said to him.

gonna keep harassing you until you do what I want, not harassment tho

It’s as though he’d heard of the adage that ‘time heals all wounds’ and thinks that two weeks is enough to get over getting an abusive spiel sent to you.

I suspect he started escalating his attempt to talk to me because it was the days leading up to his birthday. He tried asking, pleading, bribing me to talk to him again. I ignored all of it. On top of that he recruited people who he knew who followed me on twitter/had me as an IM friend to tell me to check my emails.

guess who later went and copypasted my conversation with him and gave it to my harasser

Things kept escalating. He remembered my brother’s name and ran a search for him on skype. Because I had stupidly blocked my ex, but not removed him from my friends list, he was able to find the one that was indeed related to me. My ex contacted my brother, on skype, as well as facebook. To this day, I have no idea how he found my brother’s facebook, although it’s not exactly locked down due to the nature of my brother’s work.

pictures make this wall of text less intimidating, right?

My brother told me that my ex had contacted him. Yeah, I freaked out. It was clear to me that my ex had no boundaries and I feared what he would do next. I vented about it on my twitter, which was still locked down to the public at this point.

I won’t lie, I was pretty scared by this point. If he felt that contacting my brother, who he had had no contact with prior to this, was perfectly fine, what was stopping him from trying to come to Australia to find me? What other information did he keep/remember about me? I went through my computer and accounts and increased the security for everything. I also tried to get an outside perspective on the situation as a sanity check.

So I hope you can understand why I was freaking out. A few days after, he left a comment on one of my videos, once again telling me to just look at my brother’s skype messages, it was so easy. Because looking at other people’s private messages is totally acceptable behaviour to this guy.

Not only that, despite me locking down my twitter account he still saw my “meltdown”. Either someone was leaking my tweets or he was following me under another dummy account. Nowhere was safe.

add another to the ‘I won’t contact you again after this message’ counter

Be aware that this mentality of my ex’s is what drives a large part of his behaviour; he considers things that are boundary breaking to a lot of people perfectly normal and acceptable.

An aside, when I was visiting him in January, he snooped through my external hard drive and deleted files of himself that I had saved. Things like photos of him and screenshots. I discovered that he had done this in late March, long after we broke up. Chances are high he snooped through the contents of my laptop as well. I remember the realisation that he had gone through my things and feeling sick to my stomach, because it was such a massive breach of trust. It painted his actions since that meeting in an even worse light, because he knew that he had done this and yet was still seeking a friendship with me.

So yeah, he stalked my brother, something that he doesn’t deny either, although he won’t call it stalking. A few days after that he sent me another email. He had composed a song for me. He also openly acknowledged that he knew it would probably upset me. Whether he meant the contents of the song, or the fact that he had yet again contacted me, I wasn’t sure, but I sure as hell did not listen to that song.

openly acknowledging that it’s going to upset me doesn’t make it any better fyi

This coincides with him uploading a mariachi cover of a Witcher 3 song to his channel. It was hard to tell at this point but you could almost read a coded message in the song title.

very apt, tbqh

I could cover all the detail about him contacting me (there’s a lot of youtube comments), but this is already long enough and I can summarise easily: I was venting to my twitter about the deluded guy harassing me and he was continuing to try to contact me. He even tried to blackmail me, because whew boy, he had decided to tell all of cgg (cuhrayzee games general, used to be a 4chan /vg/ board, now exclusively on discord) about his relationship with me. Bless them, they tried to help him work through it, but they kind of missed the mark when it came to owning up to his behaviour.

I ignored all of this, but it came to a head when he decided to post a PSA about me. Yes, a Public Service Announcement about me, where he told every single excruciating detail about the relationship, as well as tried to justify his harassing behaviour.

I found this out when I was browsing 4chan, a few days after he had posted it. I never read the contents but I knew that he was telling a very skewed version of events. I emailed the website admins to get the PSA removed, because hey, it was just another venue for my ex to harass me, now by blackmailing me by spreading my personal life details to the internet.

Throughout this time, I had not really addressed the issue on my youtube channel. I had been uploading episodes again with a new commentator since April, and while there were some people who missed my old commentator, I did not acknowledge the questions at all. Well, after the PSA got released somebody decided to comment on one of these threads, saying that the reason my ex was no longer on episodes was because we had broken up and I had handled the breakup badly. Which is a pretty laughable interpretation of the events.

I took this opportunity to address the issues head on, and posted the following comments:

I also detailed roughly what had been happening on my twitter account.

Well, a few days after that, my ex found the comments I had made, and replied to it, using yet another youtube account. Unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately), the OP deleted their comment before I could screenshot the entirety of my ex’s replies, but the gist of it was basically a mix of justification of the stalking of my brother and an attempt at another ultimatum (with yes, yet another promise that this would be the last time he would contact me).

ah yes, my infamous disingenuous harassment flag powers

Anyway, drama aside, I got the PSA removed. My ex found out (through a lovely person who used to follow me on twitter and now does not), and posted the PSA again. I reported it again and it was removed. You would think at this point he would think, ‘huh, I wonder why they’re removing it if there’s nothing wrong with what I wrote,’ but self-reflection does not become this exceptional person.

guess whose exes were all “crazy”? this is in no way a red flag or indicative of a larger issue

After I got the PSA removed a second time, he made his twitter account private, and posted yet another PSA on a different website. It was up for a few days before I found out, because my ex made his twitter public again and I was on the lookout for crazy stuff from him. Once again, I got the offending item removed by the website admins.

third time’s a charm

The fact that he was posting very personal, private information about my life seemed to escape him, and he posted the PSA a fourth time, this time with redacted information. Redacted information like, my online handle, my age, my country of residence. Information that people already know. But not all the unnecessary information about my personal relationship with him.

“no good reason” nuh-uh

I had a pretty epic meltdown on twitter, I will admit it. Lovely people like the ones picture below jumped in on the fray as well.

fresh hot takes from twitter dot com

All in all, I got the PSA removed again, hopefully for the final time. But not before dissecting his warped way of thinking. I thought it was finally over.

Haha no why would you think that. It’s my birthday next week and my ex wanted to wish me a happy birthday, but he decided against sending it close to the date of my birthday, because he knew that it would upset me. Also, he’s still waiting to be friends with me again, but he sure as hell won’t be apologising or anything for his behaviour.

pure logical being, right here, as he likes to call himself

TL;DR: MikeKob is a crazy, deluded, harassing and stalking piece of shit. To put it mildly.

3. The lack of updates (cont)

So, if you read all of that, you might understand why I haven’t had the motivation to continue the series lately. I’m planning to get back into it though, a large part of why I was putting this update off is because the audio recording is almost 2 hours long or something.

[destiny-smasher]

all wounds being how it is (very involved with alternative timelines and pretty long for a fanfic), how do you keep track of it all? do you have some huge flowchart document/wall to keep the story straight or do you just let it consume your mind? how much do you adapt versus plan on chapter by chapter basis as you write?

Looking back at all of the fiction I’ve written so far in my life, All Wounds actually isn’t the most complicated – it’s the second most. The most complicated was probably the crossover shit I wrote in high school, which spanned multiple fanfics which all fed into a single mainline one, where I had to be keeping track of political motivations of different factions in a war and all of this ridiculous shit. It was fun to ponder those sorts of things with regard to whimsical worlds and cartoony characters, but at the end of the day, even my adolescent self was all about character development – building narratives to pinnacles where the protagonists would have to make a difficult decision, typically involving the theme of “letting go.”

I ended up abandoning that project in college because it just got too complicated (basically I wanted to do some crazy-ass Homestuck levels of nonsense but no way I could manage it in my spare time) and I had to focus on other aspects of my life. All Wounds is the first time I’ve really revisited a weird, complicated narrative with an emphasis on building up toward plot twists and shit. Chapter 16 marks the “big moment” of the story – ideally, when readers finish this chapter, everything that’s happened so far will make enough sense to suspend disbelief through to the end. But given how the baseline story itself doesn’t really add up well…there’s no way it can all make sense, and I can’t really make even all of my own weird ideas completely line up. I do want to try, though.

In the end, however, what I’m really after is explaining enough of things to get the audience to buy into the characters’ motivations, to make sense of why they’re acting the way they are, what their goals are, and how they’re working toward them. Getting too caught up in a complicated plot can leave the audience full of apathy and indifference.

All Wounds isn’t really about time travel -- at least, not at its center. It’s not trying to do anything specifically groundbreaking or amazing with its time travel shenanigans. There’s not going to be a clever trickety-trick that resolves the whole situation – in the end, there will be time travel mystical whatever afoot, but it’s ultimately going to be about Max and Chloe each needing to make a tricky choice about how they’re each going to move forward with their lives due to consequences of things they’ve already done, choices they’ve already made.

Chloe’s struggles are much more human and grounded in earthly things -- mainly the people around her and her own insecurities regarding her place with them.

But Max’s problems are internal, and her situation with her Other self isn’t going to be solved with magic -- not really. Supernatural nonsense might be what gets her in a position to make her big, endgame choice, but that choice is going to be...I dunno, human.

A year and half ago, I did build a “skeleton” doc trying to line up the main plot beats of the story…but I always found the actual chapters would derail from this, and in some places actively disregard it.

This is because my style of writing is more the “gardener” than the “architect,” though it is a hybrid of the two.

When I try to actively plan ahead in detail, it…never really goes too well.

I don’t keep track of things in writing after I’ve sorted out the basic stuff. I use a music playlist to maintain some sort of “chronology” to emotional beats and in some cases plot connections (ex. three specific songs in a certain order helps remind me of how a certain chapter is supposed to have three specific plot things happen back to back). I also have a “quotes” doc where I dump noteworthy quotes that relate to the plot or the concept/themes I want to explore, but they’re never in a specific order. So whenever I start a chapter, I pick two quotes – one for the start, one for the end – and I use those to help build a point-A-to-point-B baseline of the general idea of the chapter. But there’s never been any formal outline or chart or anything like that, and very often, the story will take a turn on its own.

I can’t claim to have my plots planned out entirely when I begin – but I do pretty much always have an ending in mind from the start. Some main plot concept that everything should ultimately be building toward. With All Wounds, that has always been Chloe needing to come to terms with the people around her, Max needing to come to terms with herself, and Chloe ultimately needing to let others help her help Max, the way Max has helped her in the past. (ie Max helped Chloe grow up when she was lost in her own issues, now it’s Chloe’s turn to help Max do the same) They both have some serious baggage, and even if some of it is caused by supernatural shit, and needs to be resolved by supernatural shit, not magical elements of being a human being are at the core of everything. And those core human elements need to be what fuels the cause/effect of any big choices.

I construct a story like a garden. I try to set up the layout, the fertilizer, and I get to work planting seeds as I start writing the story. Some of those seeds, I start off knowing exactly what they are and what they’ll grow into. But more often, they’re seeds I don’t really know the species of. But my gut tells me to plant them where it does. So I just take faith in my instinct that as long as I give these narrative seeds water and sunlight and all that, that they’ll organically grow into whatever they are, and I’ll recognize what that harvest will be eventually. Usually, this works well enough. It’s not always perfect, so sometimes I end up needing to do a bit of ret-conning.

The most important example of this is Other Max and how she’s impacting the plot. You’ll notice that at this point, the entire plot revolves around her, where before she was functioning as merely a voice in the back of Max’s mind – now she’s like her own fully fledged character, an alternate persona. When I first started All Wounds, Other Max was just going to remain a ‘voice,’ she was never originally intended to evolve in the way she has – but when I decided to pursue the “time skip” concept and flesh the story out more (way back at the start, AW was going to end basically where Chapter 7 currently does), I had to consider what I would want to do with my own time travel story. What kinds of ideas could I incorporate that I hadn’t seen in a time travel story before – or at least not in the same combination? What could I work with given the ideas the canon story presented us with? Over the past year, these have gradually grown from those early seeds, germinated, and with Chapter 16, will hopefully bloom.

If I’m lucky, it will look like I planned it all from the start, even though I certainly did not. But I think I planned enough of it, early enough ahead to flesh things out as I got there. You’ll notice I keep using the word “enough” with all of this. I don’t believe in perfection, at least not with long form storytelling. But I do believe that there’s always a certain threshold, a certain level of balance where if you can achieve that with your plot, it’s what will give way to that magical “willful suspension of disbelief,” which is critical for any story involving supernatural, magical, fantastical things.

If your audience gets too hung up on the technical details – “Aw, why didn’t they just do this? That would’ve made more sense” – then your story has failed to get them to suspend disbelief.

On the other hand, if you pull a Kojima or a Square-Enix and you fucking overload your story with too much context, you’ll have a lot of confused, frustrated people on your hands, drowned in so much information that what was supposed to feel like an exploration of the human condition has become goddamn homework just to keep up with, much less seamlessly lose yourself in those big moments, those big choices.

Yea, I’m looking at you, Kingdom Hearts. Metal Gear. Gah.(and despite how much I may be referencing it in All Wounds, Chrono Trigger/Cross suffer from this shit, too, when they try to do overarching plot stuff)

I know nothing I write will 100% satisfy everyone, but my intent is to build a conclusion that gradually shifts away from “plot” and more toward a climax where everyone knows what the stakes are, and we get to see how the characters all deal with that. Because it’s the choices that are important, not necessarily what the technical details are. And yet, if those technical details are too complicated or too underdeveloped, it will distract from and detract from those climactic choices.

And when your main plot devices all have to revolve around time travel and alternate realities?

It gets tricky.

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All Wounds in particular has been weird for me to work on because of the time travel, alternate reality nonsense – it makes me feel obligated to leave more bread crumbs than usual. More “seeds.” Some of which I don’t end up using, and ultimately don’t serve much purpose, as their seeds never germinate properly. You might notice I specifically will call back certain lines of dialogue, certain specific moments – relive parts of the story from a different characters’ perspective, or in a different timeline. This is partly to give things a cohesion and help the reader connect through that familiarity, making it easier to put things together, I suppose, but it’s also because it’s content I can literally just look up in an earlier scene and use as a point of reference for myself, and build from.

Time travel stories have gradually become one of my favorite things to explore, and I think a big part of it is how my own life has a “butterfly effect” moment that can be traced back to one seemingly innocuous choice, and yet for a fact I know my whole life would be different had it not been for that choice. This, combined with my intent belief in environment affecting more of a person’s development than inherent traits – yet not affecting it entirely – leads me to be attracted to stories that explore this idea. Lastly, “humans are temporal beings” is such a fascinating topic to me, and so with AW I wanted to really build a plot around this concept – if you take a person and remove them from the standard boundaries of space-time, how does it change them? Are they still “them” anymore, really, at that point? What if it literally broke them as a human being – but since we’re talking time-space, it’s not like breaking a coffee mug, it’s more cosmic and abstract than that.

This was the core idea of the plot stuff from Chapter 8 onward. And it wasn’t there immediately, from the start. It wasn’t planned from the get-go. It just found itself here as I began the process of actually trying to write the characters and what struggles they might face in their situation.

With some rambling about plot-construction out of the way, here’s the other huge element of this for me: the characters.

I let them act out. I let them drive the direction of things. Once in a while, like with Other Max, they end up growing and evolving and doing things I never planned on, and I let that happen if it seems promising. Other times, like most scenes with Victoria, the characters will kind of devolve a bit and start bickering in ways that are unproductive – and I need to ‘rewind’ and get their attention back on track to what really matters, where the scene is really going.

In a way, this means a lot of what I write almost feels like directing actors in a performance – only the ‘actors’ aren’t physical, separate entities, but…parts of myself. I think this is ultimately what fascinates me so much about stories about what I refer to as “The Other Self.”

I tend to stray toward darker plotlines and concepts with this, (I’d name some of my favorite stories about it but that might ruin the surprise) but that’s because I’m weird and love exploring dark stories to help me appreciate the light.And maybe this is related to my gender transition, too, but the idea of how a person isn’t necessarily just…a static, singular thing, but can function in pieces, parts, it intrigues me about the human condition. And to me, that’s what fictional characters are when you write them with your heart in things – they carry a piece of you with them, and that’s where their life comes from.

Thing of it is, life is like fire – it can burn and grow and get out of control if you’re not careful. But sometimes the way those flames change can be good – burning away the old, or being fueled by it, etc.

So, to more directly answer your question:

No, there isn’t really a document, a chart, a wall, a schematic. There’s a music playlist, and a collection of quotes. From the overall story structure, to the way a whole chapter is produced, to the way an individual scene plays out, I always go in with a plan of where it needs to end (or where I think it does), decide what the starting point is, and let the characters fill the rest in like actors interpreting a script. From there, if there’s problems, I “fix it in post.”

In the case of All Wounds, that’s even more the case, since there’s no-doubt some aspects I’ve overlooked, which I’ll need to “fix” later when adapting to a visual novel. In fact, I’ve already made a lot of drastic changes to the “prologue/tutorial” to reflect the evolution of the part of the plot which is connected to it.

People will give you shit if you don’t plan things ahead. And they should. But never expect yourself to have all of answers right away. You don’t know for sure, with certainty, what these characters really need, who they really are, what is really driving them and what they’re willing to do for it – you never really know any of this entirely – until, like a real person, you spend time getting to know them by writing them, working with them.

If you do your job right, the audience will feel like you had everything planned out when really you were just good at adapting and letting things grow organically, and being able to connect things together well enough. Being able to give the audience enough context, construct a plot that makes enough sense, have characters make choices that are plausible enough.

Stories, especially longer ones, can never be perfect, but if a storyteller finds their own unique, individual balance between planning/constructing and growing/evolving, they can create something that will really stick with an audience.