#me when i just accept that my obscure game interest is never getting merch or recognition

[captorcorp]

dream machine shortfilm director answer my dm challenge. i am literally foaming at the mouth to give you more money for your fundraiser i just need you to ship a blorbo prop to the US and the site won't let me use a US address to get the backing reward

[wishingstarinajar]

I am going to ramble a bit but I will hide it under a cut because it's a bit long. It will be about the previous fandom I was active in around two years ago and how it affects me to this day. It's also about popularity and putting others on a pedestal.

If this sort of ramble isn't up your alley then feel very free to skip over this post! I don't mind. If you want to read more about it, just check under the cut.

The Franchise And Its Creators

====

THE FRANCHISE AND ITS CREATORS Around mid-2014, I joined the Wakfu and Dofus fandoms, a small-ish fandom as a whole but popular in certain circles.

For those who don't know, Wakfu and Dofus are (online, console, mobile, figurine, card and board) games, comics, animated series, specials and movies created by a French studio named Ankama. These two franchises are intertwined with each other as they play out in the same universe but in different timelines. I myself dabbled around in the animated part of the fandom; I was a huge fan of the two series and the Dofus movie.

There was very little catering to the international part of the fandom when it came to the studio's attention and interactions. There were no English dubs or subtitles; international fans had to rely on English fan subtitles on ripped/pirated episodes of the show and movie, same for the franga/comics. Merch was hard to get. A lot of articles related to the shows and whatnot were in French only, which is understandable because it is a French-made product. But there's no denying that the international fanbase felt a little neglected back then.

====

MY FANDOM JOURNEY

Because I was very interested in the lore of both franchises, I had to do a lot of digging and translating to be able to fully indulge in it all. I went full in! I dug deep, created OCs, art and also tried to write fanfiction. I also shared news and info about the series and movie; I ran a fan blog dedicated to sharing things with the international part of the fandom. I was also often approached about lore, particularly for a few of the canon characters and one of the races that play a role in the Wakfu franchise; the Eliatropes. It was fun, it felt good to help other fans out, it was nice to make friends and be creative with others about similar things.

Eventually, the character and art theft began. We all know this is a 'normal' part of fandoms, so I won't hammer too long on it. My issue with it was the fact that my main OC, a female Eliatrope, gathered a lot of attention because female Eliatropes were a rarity in the Wakfu franchise. They existed but didn't get a moment in the limelight, except for one that even received her own game (Islands of Wakfu) but it was so obscure that a lot of fans didn't know about its existence. My OC was somehow mistaken as canon by plenty of folks and many others started to use her as a template to create their own (female) Eliatrope OC. I didn't mind, as long as they weren't straight-up copies and I tried to be supportive by answering lore questions and give feedback whenever it was asked for it (which happened a lot). Of course, copying and theft happened more often than not; over the five years I was part of the fandom, I sent out almost a hundred DMCA reports for art and character theft (like true theft; I could handle some similarities or one-time occurrences). One particular case went to the extreme but I won't beat that dead horse any further; it brought me enough misery to last me half a lifetime, that's all I'll say on it. I kept a lot of the negative experiences behind closed doors and dealt with a lot of it quietly to not bother, worry or burden anyone else with any of it. I wanted a positive and supporting environment for my followers, even if the truth wasn't as pretty.

====

ANKAMA'S STRUGGLE

Over the years, studio Ankama increased attempts to cater more to the international fanbase of its animated properties (articles in English, English dubs and subtitles, etc). However, the studio's struggle to garner the attention of international supporters (aka companies and sponsors) didn't go too smoothly, and to make matters worse, they were also struggling with finding a platform in France to broadcast the Wakfu series on after wishing to take a different and more mature direction. Ankama wanted more freedom with the Wakfu show, like less censorship, a serial rather than episodic, and it not being aimed at a young audience like its previous contractor demanded Wakfu to be. Ankama even turned to crowdfunding to get certain projects (like new Wakfu seasons) off the ground and let's just say that those crowdfunding projects are best described as tiny dumpster fires; they weren't pretty to watch. The first one was a disaster with plenty of displeased backers and the following crowdfunding attempts often didn't meet the end goal due to bad past experiences or the lack of interest.

Luckily, Netflix breathed some life into the international Wakfu fandom, which was great! But it was still received badly (mostly due to the awful English dub and sound mixing of the first two seasons and special) that the third season Netflix made possible was not getting the attention it deserved. It was also a rushed product due to financial and time constraints on Ankama's part. Netflix eventually declined a fourth season and it all fell a bit apart from there. Ankama turned to crowdfunding once more to try and make season 4 a reality. Last time I checked (which was quite a while ago), it did decently enough to make season 4 a reality. (Please don't ask me about it, I don't know anything about it.)

====

THE PEDESTAL

While all this was happening behind the scenes, I was starting to struggle with the reputation I built up in the Wakfu and Dofus fandom over the few years I was a part of it. The best way to describe it is that I had grown exhausted.

Aside from dealing with the theft and answering people's questions daily, I wanted to be treated as an average fan but I kept getting put on a pedestal. People went as far as to call me by titles (like lady Wish and miss Wish) more often than not. To be called and treated as such made me feel alienated, like as if I wasn't considered real. I often asked to just be called Wish, no titles/formalities required, and that I wasn't as 'popular' as they believed, but the majority of the people didn't seem to listen. People were either afraid or refused to interact with me because they considered me 'too popular', or simply wanted nothing but my validation, feedback and/or free art. I also had my fair share of haters and people that didn't approve of my 'status' in the fandom. Join the club xD I wasn't very happy with it either.

I really started to dislike being called 'popular' because it had such a bad impact on the people around me (and my own mental wellbeing). Friends started to become jealous of the attention I garnered and it dragged me down every time. At times, it would turn toxic. It was never my intention to make my friends feel like they meant less because they surely didn't. To learn that they believed others were only friends with them or only looked at their art/writing because they were good friends with me hurt so much. It still does. I refuse to believe that was fully true because I was (and still am!) surrounded by very creative people and they all deserved as much attention as I was getting, at times more. I wish others saw it that way too.

I was also heavily chained down thanks to the role (model) I played in the fandom. Too many people (especially young ones) looked up to me and there were a lot of expectations that I felt forced to meet. I started to lose the energy for it, but if I dared to stray a little from the path, the pitchforks and torches would come out. It was very restricting.

In the end, I felt stuck. Things started to grow toxic. There was a point where I began to dislike the franchise because of the bad feelings it brought me. I couldn't even get myself to watch the series or movie anymore. I focused less and less on the canon side of things and more on my own ideas, which was one of the only comforts I really had left in the fandom. I started to shut myself off, which upset a lot of people. I am sorry for that, I wish it didn't happen that way but I was at my wits' end.

When I realized and also accepted that I was no longer enjoying myself with canon or fanon, I knew I had to move on or stuff would end badly. It was a very tough realization and decision to accept and make; I literally dedicated five years of my life to the fandom. I spent hours a day digging for info and news to translate and share, doing 'research' for my fanfics, answering questions, and whatnot. I truly lived the fandom day in and out. It was the first fandom I ever actively participated in to this degree. What the heck was I going to do without that?

====

THE NOW

Abandoning the fandom was a scary step to take but not one I regret. I left the Wakfu and Dofus fandom behind me in late 2019. I feel freer now and so much happier. I no longer have the burden of expectations, being a lore guide or be forced to portray a certain role model weighing me down. I am no longer on that f*cking pedestal. I can finally explore interests that aren't exactly child-friendly without a big part of my following pummeling me down for it. (Don't worry, I always try my best to keep it in the appropriate places.)

Do I still like Wakfu/Dofus and all the stuff I've created with it? Yes, I do but I also want nothing more to do with it. Aside from the friends I've made there and also stuck around on my new adventures, I left the fandom behind me.

I still get approached at times about how my Wakfu OC, art and writing inspired someone and ask me if I could give them feedback for their own ideas or give them advice/information on Wakfu/lore. I am extremely humbled by it every time. It's great to see someone feeling inspired and be creative. However, I've moved on. I've left interacting with the Wakfu/Dofus fandom and fan-made stuff far behind me. I haven't touched it for almost two years and it shows on all the social media I share my art and writing on. I at times wish people could be considerate about the fact that I moved on but I also know and understand that not everyone knows my reasoning or my side of the story. I try not to be too harsh on it.

====

MY ADVICE

I don't hate anyone for how things turned out; a lot of it was my own doing by not saying no or taking a stronger stand.

It did teach me a lot of things, especially about caring for my own well-being and putting others on pedestals. Please be mindful when you treat someone like others treated me before; it's not healthy, for yourself and the person you put on that high pedestal. Take everything in moderation and consideration, that's all. Everyone's human, everyone has feelings, and everyone deserves a sense of being. Even your favorite artists and content creators. Don't treat them like an otherwordly being that you have to worship.

In turn, if a fandom or something you enjoyed is making you unhappy nowadays, you owe it to yourself to make or find a change. Be good to yourself, always!

~~

Thanks to anyone who read through this ramble. I needed to get this off my chest. I am not asking for advice, neither pity or whatever else. I just wanted to share my thoughts on past experiences because I have a feeling others might be going through something similar.

Thank you again, please take care.

[purplesurveys]

1256

surveys by taco-tuesdays

What steps would you take in order to track down a thief? Not too far, honestly. I accept things pretty easily so if I’ve processed that I’ve been robbed, I am most likely to just let it go. I’ll feel like shit, of course, but I would just let it go and scold myself for failing to be attentive.

What is something that one of your family member collects? My mom used to collect printed table napkins from different restaurants, but obivously she hasn’t been able to continue that for the past year and a half. My dad and brother used to collect magazines but both stopped a few years ago.

What would you do if you were able to have lunch with the queen? The journalist in me will probably just ask her questions about her everyday life, how she spends it, what she’s into and what she’s not into these days.

If you got to create a new flavor of ice cream, what would it be? This is a little hard considering there are a lot of small businesses out there already getting creative and quirky with ice cream flavors so it’s just hard to tell if a certain flavor has already been invented or not. One thing I haven’t seen, though, is curry. I’d buy a pint of that in an instant.

What are some questions that you would ask your favorite celebrity? His latest vlog finds. He once shared a video of this smaller content creator, so I’m guessing that’s what he likes doing in his spare time and I’m sure he would have a bunch of other just as interesting recommendations.

If you were able to set up a stand, what would you sell? Street food.

Would you like to go deep sea diving? Why or why not? Yeah. I’m always willing to try daring, not-the-safest-thing-in-the-world activities haha.

What would life be like if you lived on a cloud? The realist in me just wants to say I’d plummet straight to the ground.

What would you find at the top of a magic beanstalk? Idk, my creativity can’t be bothered to be challenged.

What is one food you would not want to have rain down from the sky? Durian. It would hurt and stink like shit.

Which animal's characteristics are similar to your own personality? I don’t really assign sets of personalities to animals.

If you were in a department store, which aisle would you check out first? I personally still go for the toys/video games section first HAHAHA

What are some of your hobbies? They include going to museums, exploring new food and restaurants, traveling to different cities and countries, and reading about history.

You've opened a store that only sells purple items - what do you sell? BTS merch hahahahah duhhhh

What is something important that you've lost, and did you ever find it? I lost a rosary that came straight from the Vatican. No, I never found it again. I feel bad about it not because it’s a religious object, but because it came from my grandma.

Have you ever moved to a new school before? If so, how did it feel? I mean, I had to change schools when I was moving up from high school to college, but I’ve never changed schools within the same chapter of my studies, like in the middle of elementary or high school. But to answer the question, it had been a very liberating and empowering experience. I hated the rules in my Catholic school and there were so many elements from that place that made me hide so much about myself. The fact that I could wear shorts and curse and attend rallies and cut class and make my own class schedules in college felt incredibly freeing and satisfying.

What would've happened if Cinderella never went to the ball? See magic beanstalk question.

If you had one day to do anything at all, what would you choose? I would drive to Tagaytay and find a cozy restaurant and eaaaaatttt awaaaayyyy.

What are a few of your favorite songs? I really really like Singularity by V, Over the Hills by Hayley Williams, and So Far Away by Agust D and Suran.

Have you ever legitimately forgotten to do homework? All the time. I never wrote down homework.

--

If you were a witch, what kind of a spell would you cast? On who? I don’t care about casting spells on people. I just want my cravings to show up in the snap of a finger hahaha. Can that be part of a witch’s scope of work? Kjdgfhsdfskjfhs

Do you enjoy autumn leaves or spring flowers more? Why? I wouldn’t know. I experience neither over here.

What is your favorite sport to play? What about watch? Table tennis. Favorite to watch would be either tennis or pro wrestling.

Have you ever gone on a cruise before? To where? Yeah. It was an East Asian cruise so I traveled to Shanghai, Jeju, and Fukuoka.

What would you do if you were invisible for a day? Probably go to the bigger houses in the village and see how fancy they get.

Depending on where you live, why might a day of school get canceled? Typhoon, floods. A lot of places are incredibly prone to flooding, so as long as it’s been raining super hard the chances for a class suspension will get high.

What types of transportation do you think we will see in the future? I dunno. It seems like we’re at that point where everything is in the process of being invented or perfected already. 

What were some of your toys you always played with when you were little? I liked kitchen sets and anything with lots of buttons, so like toy telephones or cash registers.

If you were a movie star, what would a day in your life be like? I have no clue apart from the fact that I’m just glad I would assumedly have more than enough money to buy whatever I’m craving whenever I want hahaha.

If you invented a time machine, what year would you like to go to, and why? Realistically I wouldn’t change a thing; but if I had to answer this question I’d go back to 2016 and never ask out Gab a second time, so that the next four years wouldn’t end up being such a waste of my time.

What is your favorite holiday and why? I don’t have one. I’m not a big holiday ~celebrator.

What is something that you like to do while on vacation? Try food I’ve never tried before. The more unconventional or obscure, the better.

If you could meet any fictional character from a book, who would it be? Eh, don’t really have anyone in mind.

What are some common places that people tour when they come to your city? There’s the waterfalls in the upper part of the city – I’m just not sure if it’s still a popular spot but it certainly was when I was a kid. There’s also an art museum that I’m certain is a lot more frequented now.

What's one food that you did not enjoy as a child, but do as an adult? Curry.

How would having no electricity affect your daily routine? I wouldn’t be able to attend work, at least not for the whole day. It would also feel a lot warmer without the electric fan, which would in turn make me cranky.

If you had one wish, what would it be? A renovated room with a dedicated corner for all my merch.

Say someone gives you a magic sweater. What happens when you wear it? Idk.

If you built a new city, how would you convince people to move there? I wouldn’t.

What is one of your favorite movies? Why is it one of your favorites? Two for the Road. It has Audrey Hepburn, it’s a realistic rom-com, and the chemistry between the two leads is superb.

--

If you were given a certain amount of time to live, would you want to know? Yeah for sure, I would want to know in a heartbeat.

What would you do if you were able to stop time? I don’t know what I would do, but that would be a nice...opportunity, I guess? to experiment with or try out certain decisions and see how well or unwell they would work out to be. So that when time resumes, I’d know better on how to best handle a situation.

Do you think that long distance relationships would be for you? I wouldn’t actively go for it, but I’m not shutting down the possibility either.

Is there a popular social media platform that you don't have an account for? I have one for all the main ones, I think. Even Instagram, I made an account not too long ago to finally join the platform.

How old were you when you found out about Santa, the Easter Bunny, etc? I never knew the Easter Bunny was a thing until I started taking these surveys at like 14. I never really believed in Santa either, and the only figure I was super disappointed to learn that it didn’t exist was the tooth fairy.

Who is your favorite Disney Princess? Rapunzel.

Which freaks you out more - clowns or porcelain dolls? Porcelain dolls. They look more innocent, which somehow makes them creepier.

What was the last mistake that you learned from? Hm, just a minor work thing that would be too complicated to explain here.

Do you prefer "regular pencils" or mechanical ones? Why? Regular. I always break off the tips of mechanical pencils.

What is one little-known music artist you'd recommend? Andi made me listen to The Drums recently and I’ve been loving their sound so far; they would be perfect on a road trip. I’ve only listened to one album, though.

What is your favorite Pixar film? Toy Story!

Who was the last person to send you any sort of message on social media? Angela sent me a video meme.

Where were you on September 11th, 2001? I don’t know...probably already being put to bed. Either way I wasn’t fully conscious yet as I had only been 3 and living on the other side of the planet.

Name your favorite green vegetable. Broccoli, spinach, bell peppers, or asparagus. IDK I love veggies hahahaha

Could you handle a friends with benefits type of situation? Not for me. I’m not even into sex. 

Do you prefer using a brush or a comb on your hair? Comb. 

What's your favorite flavor of potato chips? SALTED EGG. I’m obsessed; I had like five bags this week alone.

Would you rather build a snowman or a snow fort? Why? I dunno; I’ve never tried making either.

At what age do you believe children should begin having screen time? I’m not too sure at this point, but I do know I don’t plan on being too strict with my kids. I’d let them watch stuff on an iPad from like age 3 or 4, but one thing I would change from how I was raised is putting a limit on their screen time, maybe half an hour to an hour a day.

If you had to give a speech, what would it be on? I’d be down for any topic as long as I was given ample time to research, honestly. I like public speaking.

[ladywhaiyvern]

Musings of An Otaku #3: Otaku vs. Weebo?

As someone who has been into Japanese animation since 1997 and other aspects of Japanese culture longer before that with Americanized Super Sentai. I stumbled upon a little glorious movie playing on the Sci-Fi Channel’s Saturday Morning Anime block- “Tenchi in Love: the Movie,” due to my boredom of watching the same rerun of “Power Rangers” at the time. I fell in love with the detailed artwork of the characters, the intricate backgrounds, the music composed and the overall story. I had not seen anything like it in an American produced cartoon series or cartoon movie. I was around when Anime was basically non-existent on store shelves. Not a single manga issue could be found in a library or local book store. VHS titles were sold in very selective stores with 1 or 2 episodes per tape. And forget about wanting to change the language track. You either had to find the dubbed video tape or the subbed video tape. No easy button switching back then! And for television- no station openly aired Anime (outside of the Sci-fi channel). Some movies such as “Ninja Scroll” aired on pay-per-view movie channels late at night. No Toonami existed. 

Anime was obscure in America. Hell, I remember going to my local video store and asking if they had anymore titles of “Dirty Pair Flash” (as I had found the first vhs volume there). The look the store clerk gave me was priceless. Thought I was probably talking about a porno or something! Shit, I was into Anime and was made fun of by my fellow students in Middle School and High School because it was different. Now it’s main-stream and all over the place. One can walk into big box stores and find manga titles in the book section, dvd/blu-rays openly on the sales floor, merch like shirts and toys. Now you have dedicated sections on streaming services like Netflix and Hulu and not to mention streaming services from Chrunchyroll, Funimation and HiDive that focus on nothing but Anime. But what does all this reminiscing have to do with my title?! Simple.

During the birth of the Japanese Anime boom here in the United States, us select fans had gathered together and decided to call ourselves a name. Granted, the origins of this name were very negative in the Japanese culture. As “otaku” was viewed as a socially inept individual. A subculture of Japanese society that was viewed as being derogatory. A fan of any subgenre of entertainment (not just Anime). However, we adapted this word and started using it. We took away that negative stereotype. We started using it to represent a group of people who not only enjoyed Japanese Animation, but other forms of Japanese entertainment as well. It was an umbrella term for “fan.” It wasn’t meant as someone who lived and breathed anime and manga. They weren’t obsessed over it. They were just fans who enjoyed the art form. Now, I know in the early 2000’s- many Japanese still looked at the term as being negative and probably thought of us as being crazy for wanting to adapt such a term. But we were proud to be called otaku. We were not embarrassed by it at all. Even now, I know it has lost some of its derogatory meaning across the ocean but will still never be 100% accepted. Recent series of both anime and manga poke fun at the otaku subculture in a humorous way instead of negative. It is something that is no longer just pushed under a rug or tossed into a corner and forgotten about as it had in the past. Kinda like how some mental disorders are done here in the States today. That is something I do not wish to touch with a 10 ft pole though...so moving on.

Now, where the hell did this term “weebo” come from? Why the hell has it become such a thing? WHY?! JUST WHY?! According to the Urban Dictionary it is an overly obsessed individual who lives and breathes anime and manga (usually mainstream titles only). They do not branch off into the older titles or even bat an eye at the obscure titles (which I absolutely love). They only “love” what is currently airing. I am using the term “love” lightly. More like they only enjoy it as the current fad. Next mainstream series comes along and they move onto it like a leech. Sooooooooooo from my understanding they are wanna-be’s. They want to be an otaku but don’t want to deep dive into the full anime subculture. They only use Japanese terms and phrases picked up from mainstream shows. And use them periodically out of context. They show no interest in other aspects of the Japanese culture or learning how to correctly speak the language. They think it's the “cool” thing to do. OMG, look at me- I can speak a couple of words of Japanese thanks to this show that everyone else is watching. Look at me, look at me! They scream fake. I’m sure you know a couple. I know I do and they annoy the hell outta me. You try to have an intelligent conversation with them and it all circles around back to the one mainstream series that they are currently obsessed with. This is seriously the main reason I did not get along with some of my former coworkers. Oh well, let them be them and I will continue to enjoy the wide range wonders of all genre anime and manga (especially older titles). 

Now as an otaku of not only anime and manga but video games, Super Sentai, Asain Horror, Japanese music and the list goes on and on and on and on; as well as someone who has taken the basic Japanese language classes; and as someone who enjoys learning about different cultures (especially Asian history and culture) due to my cultural anthropologist background- this term offends the hell outta me. Why?! It’s just a word. Maybe I finally understand why some people find the word “moist” offensive as this is along those same lines. I still don’t understand why. It is a fun word to say. Moist! Mooooooooist! Moissssssssst! It’s like do not give yourself a label. Do not think this “weebo” thing is a cool thing to do. It is not. You're a fake, a fraud. Many of us otaku from the older generation can see right through it. Don’t obsess over something if you do not intend to appreciate and understand the full cultural context that it offers. Japanese animation and manga is something that should be appreciated as an art form because in reality that is what it boils down to. It is an art form. It should be enjoyed by all. But to only enjoy something because it is the cool thing to do and you want to impress people, no. Not cool. That is just a slap in the face to those that enjoy it as a whole. 

These are my musings, take them or leave them! Enjoy them or don’t! Have fun, don’t be a weebo!

[jestbee]

The Limits of Terminology

Words: ~5k

Tags: Friends to lovers. Defining the relationship.Slight mention of sex but nothing too graphic guys

Rating: Mature I guess. Cus of the sex.

Summary: Dan has referred to Phil as a lot of things over the years. Best friend. Housemate. Business Partner.

But terminology is limiting, and none of it feels like enough. How can one word encapsulate everything they mean to each other?

[AO3 Link]

Fic under the cut.

That guy from the internet

In the early days, Dan doesn’t know what to call Phil, what label is appropriate. He can’t really explain the sudden and familiar attachment he feels to what is essentially a stranger.

‘Stranger’ feels wrong though, seeing as how it's slowly getting to the point that they’re sharing everything with each other. ‘Acquaintance’ doesn’t sit right either, it's more than something passing, fleeting, it feels solid despite the intangibility of an internet connection.

Twitter flows to skype flows to exchanging numbers and now Dan finds himself at a party, the first one since his break up with Erin, and alone on a couch, texting. People move around him, buzz with alcohol and the novelty of their recent switch to college. Dan feels alone in his decision to take a gap year, but his phone is in his hand, and Phil is replying with a frequency that belies him having any plans this Friday night, and Dan is smiling at each one as they come through.

“Who ya texting?” Rebecca says as she flops down on the couch beside him. She’s leaning slightly, and Dan knows that lean. It’s the you-just-split-up-with-your-girlfriend-and-I’m-interested lean. He doesn’t return it. Instead he shifts slightly, tilting the phone screen towards his chest to shield it, he doesn’t necessarily want to share Phil with the world yet.

“No one,” Dan says, “Just some guy off the internet.”

Rebecca raises an eyebrow and giggles at that. Perhaps, Dan thinks, that isn’t quite the correct term.

Friend

Manchester is a blur. It’s being high up and gazing over the city from the top of the Manchester Eye, or from a cosy booth in the sky bar. It’s feeling like he’s still that high up, even when his feet are back down on the ground.

It’s easy. Easier than he’d thought it would be, and when Phil’s phone rings during filming, Dan can’t help the smile that spreads over his face as Phil say “Hi… Yeah… No, I’m just hanging out with my friend.”

And suddenly that feels like a good term to use, but it takes him until a few days after he’s back to try it out for himself.

“You coming to the pub?” Rebecca is saying as she leans on the railing outside of the corner shop.

“Nah,” Dan replies, swinging his carrier bag and waiting for Jason to leave as well. “I only popped into town to get some stuff, I’ve got to get back for five.”

“Ooo,” Rebecca says, still adopting a glimmer of the lean, but Dan thinks he’s got it pretty much fended off at this point. He’s not asking himself why because, Rebecca is attractive enough, he’s just not sure he wants to be tied down right now. “Got plans with someone?”

Dan smiles, “I’m just going to skype my friend.”

It doesn’t cause any riots anywhere when he uses it, so he figures the term can stick for a while.

“The one from the internet?”

“Yeah,” Dan nods, and runs a hand through his fringe. “My friend from the internet.”

Best friend

Best friends happens ironically.  Or at least offhandedly. He isn’t actually sure people have best friends in their 20s, and Phil is older than him, so he’s sure it’s some schoolyard practise they should be too old for.

“Get me a drink on your way?” He asks as Phil rises to his feet from the seat next to him on the floor. He wobbles slightly, almost tipping the monopoly board over, but he doesn’t.

He’s in Phil’s flat, with Phil’s friends. Well, they’re his friends now as well, since he moved here, but he still likes to make the distinction.  The same way he makes the distinction that this is Phil’s flat, not his, even though he’s here most nights.

He’d started on the couch but honestly, it was beginning to become a pain to clear up the blankets and everything every morning. The final straw was Dan’s back beginning to protest about being curved onto the small space each night, so he’d ended up in Phil’s bed. It wasn’t weird, they were just friends. He likes to make that distinction too.

“What’s wrong with your legs you lazy oaf?,” Phil says quickly, leaving Dan’s glass on the table.

Their friends laugh, chiding Dan gently for being a cheeky little shit. No one finds it weird that Phil will clearly do a drink run for them, his guests, but actively expects Dan to get his own.

“Some best friend you are,” Dan mocks, feigning sadness and following him to the kitchen.

He realises what he says and holds his breath. But really, he needn't have worried.

“I am the greatest best friend ever,” Phil says insistently, splashing Dan with the water from the tap as he fills up his ribena glass. When he’s finished with his he holds out a hand for Dan’s glass and winds up making it anyway. Dan lets the air out of his lungs in one long stream.

Phil smiles, and Dan smiles back as they settle back down to the game, and they don’t acknowledge it much further.

Later, they use the term online, it’s accepted and comforting. It’s probably one Dan can live with forever.

Housemate

After that they begin adding labels to the one they already have. But honestly, he doesn’t expect housemate. He’s mostly come to term with the fact that he doesn’t want to live with any of the random people he barely knows from his uni halls, and he doesn’t know anyone from lectures or social activities since he spends all of his time with some older guy none of them know, so he’s pretty resigned to having to sign on to halls for another year. It’s mostly depressing, but he’s trying to find the good.

That is, until Phil brings it up.

“Are you planning to stay in halls next year?” He asks as they’re playing Mario Kart, as ever, on Phil’s living room floor. They never sit on the couch, he doesn’t know why.

It might be because the couch is small, and there isn’t much room for them to sit side by side. But Phil’s elbow keeps knocking into him they’re sat so close, and Dan doesn’t even mind.

“Probably,” Dan shrugs, taking a corner at just the right angle and picking up an item. He’s in first place and gleefully shoots and object in Phil’s direction. Phil’s vision is obscured and he skids of the track..

“Ah--” Phil yells, swinging his arms upwards and jabbing at the controller in an attempt to right himself back on course. It’s to no avail though and Dan wins the race only a few seconds later.

“Ultimate champion!” Dan gloats, hands over his head. Phil just smiles fondly and pushes at him. Dan rocks on his hips momentarily but straightens up, laughing so that his face aches.

“So, probably?” Phil continues after a hard stare.

If takes Dan a moment to realise what he’s talking about.

“Halls. Yes, probably.” He shrugs again, “No where else to go.”

“I was thinking…”

“Don’t hurt yourself.”

“Ha. Very funny.” Phil reaches out and pokes Dan’s cheek with a pointed finger. “I was thinking we could live together in your second year. I mean… if you wanted to. I know it’d be weird like, living with someone who isn’t in uni, and it might take you away from all of that so I’d completely understand if you--”

“Phil,” Dan interrupts, “I’m literally always in your house anyway.”

“True. Plus, it’d be great for YouTube. We’d be able to film and could help each other out and your dorm mates wouldn’t be listening to you talk to yourself.”

Dan laughs. “Slow down, you don’t have to convince me. I think it’d be awesome.”

“Really? That’s great!”

“I’m not being funny,” Dan says ponderously, “But, well, you only have one bedroom…”

He isn’t sure how he wants Phil to respond. It’s become fairly normal for him to sleep in there with Phil, and it’s cosy actually, more comforting than he’ll allow himself to admit. Still, he’s not sure that hospitality extends to Dan actually living here. It’s excusable when he’s just visiting, even if it is becoming every night. He’s shocked at how  the idea appeals to him though, being in Phil’s bed every night, being allowed, without needing to look for an excuse.

“I thought we’d look for a different place, one with two bedrooms you idiot.”

Dan tries not to over analyse why he feels slightly disappointed. “Sure.” He nods. “Um, not to sound like, ungrateful for the offer, cus I am, I think it’ll be fun. But, like, You live by yourself, you’re independent, why would you want to live with me?”

“One,” Phil says, emphasising the point with a finger, “Like you said, it’ll be fun. Two,” he adds another finger, before dropping his hand to his lap. “I’m going to quit my job and do YouTube full time. I can make it work money wise. But… Sharing somewhere to live would be good.”

“That’s amazing!” Dan enthuses before rolling his eyes at the pun.

“So, housemates?” Phil asks, holding out his hand to shake.

“Housemates.” Dan agrees, slipping his fingers in to Phil’s hand.

Business partner

They’re always ‘Dan and Phil’. From the Super Amazing Project, to the first t-shirt, to the merch company, the radio show, the gaming channel, the book, the tour, the second book… Dan is honestly surprised ‘business partner’ doesn’t start sooner. But with ‘Best Friend’ on offer, and ‘Housemate’ continuing for more years than Dan could have hoped for, well, he supposes there wasn’t ever an opportunity. Besides, they’ve never really taken all of that seriously.

As it happens, it’s only to sort out a misunderstanding that they use it at all.

“And if your partner could just sign here,” the accountant is saying to Phil.

They share a look. It’s one they’ve shared before, on multiple occasions.

“Um,” Phil says, still looking at Dan, not at their accountant. “We’re not…”

Dan knows he should probably say something too. But, seeing how he’s long since given up trying to repress the feeling of elation he feels every time someone mistakes them for lovers, he doesn’t. There was a patch there where he would have. Would have stood up, questioned how on earth anyone could ever think that he and Phil were together, that they weren’t and never would be. Until he realised that he was just confused as to why anyone thought Phil would want him like that. Because he clearly doesn’t. Honestly, he’s sort of just learned to deal with the confusing twist of emotions he feels in his gut whenever it happens, and let the wave of hope wash over him briefly before shoving it down.

“Oh,” Phil laughs, putting two and two together. “You meant business partner.”

“Business partner.” Dan echoes, “that’s me.”

He leans forward in the chair, being careful not to tip the back two legs off the ground, it’s probably unprofessional to fall on your accountant’s floor.

“All done,” he proclaims, setting the pen back down.

They take care of the pleasantries quickly, rushing from the room red cheeked and giggling.

“Did you think--”

“Yeah,” Dan preempts, “It’s just… business partner. That’s a new one.”

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“Just seems very grown up.” Phil answers.

“Well, yeah.” Dan agrees, “I suppose it does. But what else would you call it?”

“I don’t know,” Phil says, “Partner is good.”

If Dan notices that Phil drops the ‘business’ from the beginning, he doesn’t say so. He does, however, allow himself to enjoy the sound of it.

“Partner is good.”

Everything. Yours.

Sometimes Dan tests out other labels. Lets them sit in his tongue or roll around his mouth, just to see how they taste.

He fantasises in private moments what it might be like to use another word, one that means something more than the current ones do, but he knows that he can't.  So he tucks it away, buries it under the labels he has available to him and says those where he wants to say the others.

He thinks maybe Phil wants to try it on for size too. Sometimes. When strangers make the inevitable assumption he watches Phil hesitate, weighing up the consequences of letting those labels apply, even for just a short space of time. Phil always comes down on the side of caution though, so Dan never wants to push it.

What Dan doesn't anticipate is when things change without the need for the label to be said out loud. Suddenly Dan has limited options as to the terminology, but Phil seems to be redefining the narrow definitions Dan has assigned to them.

Best friend suddenly means, in random increments, being pretty much a part of Phil's family. Adopted, included, invited along to every gathering.

It means Phil's head on his shoulder in the back of a taxi when he's particularly tired.

Business partner means a joint bank account that spills over into their personal finances. It's not knowing which of their possessions belong to whom, simply using ‘ours’ instead of ‘mine’. It's easier, he reasons, it's just easier.

Whatever this is means Phil wrapping around around him and leaning in, enveloping Dan in his warmth and holding him close. It's the soft brush of lips on Dan's neck that he thinks Dan won't notice.

It's being each other's first speed dial, next of kin, emergency contact. Because really, who else would they call? It's always being at the top of their text messages unless they're sat right next to each other. Even then, it's still a good bet.

It's skyping despite only being away one night, it's letting ‘I miss you’ crackle over a dodgy internet connection and having it returned with soft smiles and flushed cheeks.

Without relying on their limited lexicon of available terms, it is Phil’s hand in his, on the small of his back, his whole body pressed against Dan’s side on the couch. And it’s Dan allowing it, revelling in it, letting himself enjoy it where he might have previously shied away. Actively avoiding denial is less physically exhausting, he finds, letting his body move without the need for taught muscles holding him upright, out of Phil’s space, away.

Eventually it’s Phil, drink-loosened and blurry, pressing his mouth to Dan’s in the silence of their flat. It’s Dan hesitating only for a moment before returning it, fervent and bruising. Then hands gripping, pulling, nails digging crescent shapes onto twin backs as moonlight streams through the window, washing out everything, making decisions seem lighter, paler, less important.

It moves to the bedroom and it’s the feeling of tshirt jersey sliding over soft abdomens, it’s the hiss and rattle of a belt buckle and zip, it’s the rough feeling of carpet on Dan’s kneecaps counteracted with the soft tug of Phil’s hand in his hair.

It climaxes in the sensation of them coming together, Phil inside of Dan, as close as he can be. It’s the hot breath on his neck, teeth nipping, tongue lapping. The rhythmic thrust as their bodies move together, bathed in darkness and shrouded in whatever this all means. For one blinding second towards the end it’s the rush of something real, tangible, with Phil following closely behind. It’s every nerve ending in his body screaming out in relief before collapsing weightless and dreamy into blue and green sheets.

Finally, as he engages in mental acrobatics, it's Dan calling him out on it while lying side by side, sweaty and sated.

“Do you ever think about like, labels?”

Phil is breathing heavily. They’ve been enjoying the silence, or using it to hide in.

“Labels for what?” His voice is low, croaky, as if this emotion is one unused for a while. Dan can relate.

“For us, for what we are to each other.” He doesn’t mean now, he means in normal circumstances. He doesn't know what these circumstances are, can’t even imagine where to start.

“Oh.”

“I mean, there are a few.”

“I guess there are.” Dan feels Phil’s body tightens, leaning slightly away.

Dan misses his warmth already.

“Language has its limits, Dan.”

Dan finds it in himself to nod. “Useful for defining the subtleties of human interaction though.”

“Constrictive.” Phil insists, “Labels aren’t really a great tool for defining what two people are to each other, are they? I mean, one word can’t really encapsulate all of the nuance.”

“I suppose more than one could apply then,” Dan shrugs, “Like for us.”

“Like, best friend and housemate?” Phil suggests.

“And business partner.”

“Yeah,” Phil smiles, Dan can hear it even though he can’t see it in the darkness. “That too. Though that sounds awfully formal and like we sit in an office every day making tough decisions instead of stumbling into a profession where we reply to emails from our couch.”

“Agreed, but it’s a label you can tout in public and one people understand.”

They lapse into silence again, because it’s easier. The rustle of sheets startles him eventually, the dip of the bed as Phil turns on his side to face him.

What little light remains at the window is casting a frosting over his pale skin, highlighting the curve of a hip, slight dip of his waist. Dan doesn’t want to look what it’s doing to the colour of his eyes.

“So what made you ask?” Phil says eventually.

“I just think there are some things… some ‘nuances’ that our current labels don’t really cover.”

“Hm?”

Dan inhales. It’s preparation, because he knows that if he doesn’t he’ll hold his breath for all of what comes next. “Best friends, housemate or business partner don’t really cover what just happened.”

Phil reaches out a hand, curls it around Dan’s shoulder and tugs at him, urging him to turn too. He should feel vulnerable because they’re on top of the bed, naked and exposed, but he doesn’t. He shouldn’t shudder at the press of Phil’s hand on his shoulder given where those fingers have been tonight, but he does anyway.

Instead he turns to face Phil, making out the shape of his mouth in the dim light and wanting to kiss him again. But Phil isn’t responding, so he isn’t entirely convinced it’s allowed now everything is over.

“Do they have to cover it?” Phil asks, quietly.

Dan nods, “No, I suppose they don’t have to.”

“No point labelling it if it's a one time thing,” Phil mumbles. Its barely intelligible, but Dan is fluent in Phil so he understands just the same.

“And if it wasn’t a one time thing?”

He lets it hang in the air, expand to fill the space between them. He feels clammy and sticky, the air still filled with the musky scent of what happened between them, it presses in so that he’s almost choking on it. It probably has something to do with the fact that Phil takes a while to answer.

“Then it would probably mean a shift in the terminology” Phil relents. “If you wanted it not to be a one-time thing.”

“What were you thinking?” Dan asks, a hand raising to cover his mouth. Mostly to cover his blush, but also to prevent him being tempted to rush forward and press his lips to Phil’s, forget the conversation entirely in favour of making it at least a two-time thing right this second.

Phil reaches out and pulls the hand from his face, shifting closer in the process. Sweat cooling on their skin makes him shiver.

“Do you want to get dressed?” Phil laughs.

“Probably should.”

“Well, don’t do it on my account,” Phil shrugs, “I’m quite enjoying the view.”

He lets his eyes drag down Dan’s body so that Dan can almost feel them on his skin. It makes him shiver again.

“Maybe just get into bed?” Dan suggests. He thinks he can probably allow that, enjoy that, without the accompanying terminology.

They shuffle under the duvet, Phil pulling it up and over them with a final draft of air before it settles. They arrange themselves so that are closer than before, still tipped towards each other, feet tangled now. Phil lets a hand drop to Dan’s hip, thumb soothing over the jut of the bone.

“So…” Dan says once the heat of the bed has warmed them up.

“Ah yes,” Phil says, eyes dancing in amusement, “You want labels.”

“I don’t want them.” Dan clarifies, “I just think that, you know, it might be useful to define… this” he gestures between them.

“And we need a label for that?”

“Maybe. I mean, as far as social constructs go, it’s a fairly limiting one. But having a way to describe it in a singular word that's recognised by society might be useful.”

“You mean you don’t just want to tell them the entire story of tonight in vivid detail over and over”

Dan grins, “I mean, I could, probably. I’ll probably go over it in my own head enough times to commit it to memory. But I fear that the people in our lives aren’t prepared for the embarrassment of hearing that to be honest.”

“But you want some way to tell them…” Phil drifts off slightly before continuing. “You want to tell people about… this. About what this means for us.”

Dan hums. “Not everyone. But some people. I’d like to. If you would. But only in terms you’re comfortable with.”

“I don’t think I could keep it to myself if I wanted to.”

It’s a hushed sentence and it lingers. A mutual agreement that this means something has shifted, something that will remain shifted. Something they intend to pursue.

“Well, what label would you suggest?” Dan repeats from earlier, more clear on what he’s asking now.

“I don’t know.” Phil confesses, “What is a word for two people who have sex after 7 years of friendship and apparently don’t want it to be a one-time thing?”

“A wide variety of things,” Dan informs him, “So many things.”

“I’m open to suggestions.”

Dan rolls his eyes, but it’s fond.

“Well, friends with benefits would work I suppose. To cover the parameters you just set.”

“Hmmm,” Phil rumbles thoughtfully. “The definition of that one doesn’t really cover any emotional aspect that might be included though.”

“Emotional. Right.” Dan ponders, “Lovers?”

Phil laughs. “That just sounds… odd.”

“We are odd.”

“Yes but… you wanted one to use in public. I can’t see using that one personally.”

“No,” Dan agrees, “You’re probably right.”

“Besides, it’s still only focussed on the.. Um…physical aspects.”

Dan rolls his body into Phil’s, unable to resist it anymore. He meets Phil’s mouth, feeling his hand tighten at his hip. His own hands slide up and over Phil’s shoulders, and they roll so Phil is slightly on top of him, at an angle.

“Distracting.” Phil murmurs as they part for air.

“Yes.”

“I mean what I said,” Phil says, lips brushing Dan’s with every other word. “It needs to include the emotional side of things.”

“What… What emotion do you want it to convey?” Dan pulls him down for a kiss again, letting their bare chests press together, hips not aligned but so close he feels like he might be able to stir up interest again quicker than he’s been able to since he was much younger. He can’t help but to thrust upwards slightly, seeking contact.

“Dan,” Phil reprimands.

“Sorry, sorry.” He settles himself again, but doesn’t let Phil move any further away.

“I... “ Phil leans his forehead to Dan’s and closes his eyes. “Dan I think it needs to include the fact that I’m in love with you.”

Dan gasps, parts his lips and lets the air rush in sharply. It sends a shockwave through him that temporarily shorts his brain so that he doesn’t respond for a moment. A moment that stretches out so long Phil begins to move away. Dan locks his wrists behind Phil’s neck and holds him close, bending a leg at the knee to trap him there.

“No,” he says, “I think it needs to include that I love you too.”

Phil wriggles closer then, up and over so that he is settled between Dan’s thighs. He kisses him with a fervour that startles Dan at first. There is a push and pull as they both seek to press everything they want to say into each other’s skin. Fingertips roam, hips undulate idly, mouths work in unison. Dan moans and Phil has to move away. They can both feel how the other is almost hard again, panting and overcome.

“I’ve waited so long to say that.” Phil confesses.

“Me too,” Dan nods, “I probably should have said it years ago but… I didn’t know… I was an idiot.”

“You were young,” Phil soothes, a hand ghosting up his side, leaving goosebumps in its wake. “I’ll forgive you a sexuality crisis. We got here eventually.”

“We did.”

“I think my body is making a valiant effort to go again,” Phil giggles,”But I’m not sure it’s technically possible.”

“Probably not right this minute,” Dan says, “It’s quite late.”

Phil groans and tips his head over Dan’s shoulder to catch the clock. Nearly 2am.

“It is. I wish we could stay up but…”

“Things to do tomorrow.”

“Things to do.” Phil repeats, sadly.

Phil sighs reluctantly and slides away. They don’t talk about it but both move to pull on underwear at least before settling back into the bed. Dan thinks naked cuddling is all well and good, but an uncomfortable mixture of body heat and proximity causes the quick slide of sweat which, when focussed on certain areas, could mean no sleep for either of them.

Dan thinks that if this had have happened a few years earlier, when they were young and impulsive, neither of them would have had a second thought about staying up all night and continuing this thing. As it is, they have all those pesky responsibilities that have added to them as labels have.

“Boyfriend.” Phil throws out suddenly.

“What?”

“For the label.” Phil explains, “Boyfriend works. For all of… that.”

“It does.” Dan agrees. “Sounds… vaguely permanent though.”

Phil lets Dan tip onto his side and works an arm over his waist, pulling Dan’s back flush with his chest. “Problem with that?”

Dan hides his smile in the pillow. “No,” he whispers, “No problem at all.”

They both close their eyes and settle into the comfort of having each other close. It’s new, and it feels mostly resolved now, except for the nagging sensation at the back of Dan’s mind.

“It still doesn’t feel like enough.”

“Hm?”

“Boyfriend is good for everyone else,” he explains, “It’s the best thing for public and it works as a social construct term.”

“But…?”

“But it doesn’t… It doesn’t, like, mean everything I want it to.”

“What would?” Phil asks, the words flitting onto the nape of Dan’s neck.

“Something more?” Dan suggests, “Everything?... Mine?”

“Everything.” Phil agrees, pressing his lips to the spot on Dan’s neck that makes him squirm. “Yours.”

Dan lets a soft noise of contentment drift from his lips before closing his eyes to sleep. Words won’t ever really be able to define it, perhaps Phil is right, they’re too limiting to encapsulate all the nuance of them, feel too small to really pack all that Phil means to him in to. Still, he thinks, those ones will do.

True to their word, when they get up in the morning they stick to using ‘boyfriend’ when asked. First with those closest to them, then with strangers who make the assumption. Eventually they let it drift online, slowly and without much fanfare. It’s a term that works for the most part.

Until the moments they are brought together, private and enclosed. Whether slick and panting into each other’s mouths, or sleep-warm and lazy propped up on each other’s body, cosy and cuddle together, or insistent and pulling. Then they have what is reserved for them, the terms only used behind closed doors.

“Everything,” one will say.

“Yours,” the other will answer.