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fivewrites · 7 years ago

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5557 Reviews Your Fanfic #3: Soul of a New Machine by StygianLotus

Hello, friends, I am 5557 on Ao3 and I review your fanfiction if you want me to.

Soul of a New Machine by @stygianlotus

Summary:

Lance had been living the same cycle of events over and over since he got captured by the Galra. After seven months with Haggar, the other Paladins finally manage to save him. However, they soon realize that Lance's wounds run much deeper than they had hoped.

Rating: M

Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence

Tags: Psychological Torture, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Psychological Trauma, Torture, Aftermath of Torture, Coran helps Lance, Langst, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Angst, Post-Defeat of Zarkon, Post Season 2, Flashbacks, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, poor lance

Optional info:

Is English your first language? Yes How long have you been writing for? 4 years Are you 18+? No Do you want publish / write professionally one day? Maybe

Technical Style / Formatting: Paragraphs are of a good size.

Quotes and dialogue are all correct, punctuation is used correctly.

I find parenthesis to be unnecessary in fiction, but they are still used correctly.

Could use a bit of dialogue attribution switch-ups (Lance said vs. said Lance) here and there, but that’s a very small thing.

The second chapter’s flashback doesn’t need to be entirely in italics, but it’s ok.

Pace: The pace is affected by the problem of the mixed-omniscient narrator.

The biggest core problem in the story, and one that is at the root of all others like the confusing sentence structure is: Who is our narrator and what does our narrator know?

In some paragraphs, is seems like we have an unreliable, deep-pov narrator that keeps us well inside of Lance’s head. In other paragraphs, the narrator informs us in a more omniscient way of information that Lance himself does not know. And inconsistence narrator can lead to plot and characterization problems, as well and issues with general prose flow and how the story progresses.

We need to establish solidly who the narrator is (is it a detached voice of lance, or an outside figure?) and what exactly they know. Do they know A) everything about everyone, all the time? (omniscient) B) Everything about lance and only Lance (Limited omniscient) or C) Some things about Lance, but not everything (Unreliable non-omniscient)

Establishing this will help with the confusing sentence structure and set the pace and tone of the story so the reader can understand what’s going on (even with limited information) and progress.

Dialogue: The dialogue is fairly good, and I appreciate the fact that the team care about Lance and want him to feel safe and welcome back on the team.

Once we solve the narration problem, the dialogue will fit the story that much better.

Characterization: So far, characterization isn’t too much of a problem, but with huge, personality-changing events such as capture and torture, it’s really important to research trauma and how is can affect a person. It’s up to you to decide how lance’s behaviour deals with his trauma, whether he chooses to smile through it and pretend nothing is wrong, or like in your story actually show that he has been deeply affected.

It’s not wrong for Lance’s personality to change from an extreme situation. I think it would be wrong to write him as the exact same person he was before his capture, but I also want to stress that he is not 100% a new person. There are and will always be fragments of the old person there, and they will have good days where they are able to laugh and joke and have a good time. It’s about finding the balance of depth.

For research, I would really recommend watching the movie Room (2016) about the 5-year-old child who grew up in captivity with his mother. This movie does an amazing job of showing that even in a dire situation, they are able to be sane and smart. It also shows that they are not immune to breaking down and falling apart. Both are true, and that is what makes the story so powerful.

Flow / Prose Style:

Try to find and remove extraneous filler words like was and had. As well, look for text written in the passive voice, and try to edit it to become more active.

“The cup was picked up by Lance.” - Passive “Lance picked up the cup.” - Active

I think I understand what you’re going for in the beginning, so I’m going to make a few assumptions.

The opening fades in like a person coming into consciousness after being knocked out- blurry, unclear, unable to pin facts and details and people. This is an appropriate way to open a thriller / angst story, no problems there.

My advice for a choice like this is that as an author you need to be very careful and specific about what you make clear and what you make hazy.

Too clear, and you don’t get the desired effect.

Too hazy and your readers are confused and bored because they can’t understand enough

So when you’re doing a style like this, be very careful about who knows what, and who is being mentioned. If you turn too many names into epithets or pronouns (he or she) we very easily lose track of what the narrator is referring to.

“He remembered Allura ordering for them to attack him, remembered Hunk being the one to do it while Lance was still restrained.”

This sentences contains two “he’s” and the second one is unclear as to who it’s referring to. We could use clarity by saying “Lance remembered Allura ordering for them to attack him, remembered Hunk being the one to do it while he was still restrained.”

“How could they still act like they were best friends after everything that had happened?”

And here, it’s slightly unclear as to who the “they” is referring to. Lance and Hunk? Lance and the rest of the paladins? Hunk and the rest of the paladins? etc.

For someone who is english as first language, some of the phrasing is… odd. It’s not exactly passive voice, nor is it grammatically incorrect, but it attributes action and intention to the wrong symbol of importance.

Like PutTING the emPHAsis on the wrong sylLAble. It’s not incorrect, but it it is jarring.

““Hey, Lance?” The sudden voice jerked Lance out of his thoughts, looking up quickly like he had gotten used to doing.”

The second part of the sentence says that it’s the voice, not lance, that looked up quickly.

“Keith’s face made Lance take an involuntary step back, watching him cautiously.”

This is also odd phrasing that leads to odd mental image. It’s like Keith is pressing Lance around physically… with his face. Keith’s face doesn’t really make anyone do anything unless he’s physically using it. The way it’s described currently gives keith’s face, and not keith himself the agency and importance.

At the very end of the sentence, it’s unclear whether it’s Keith’s face or Lance that is doing the watching cautiously.

I get the idea of the scene, but the phrases used to describe the action are odd. So when the common thread of concern is confusing sentence structure, it’s often a good time to go back to the basics and start from the bottom. try to rewrite sentences three times and pick the best one you like. this can also help stimulate new ideas and new ways of phrasing.

Parenthesis tend to be aside thoughts. Find a way to integrate them into their own sentence or paragraph. Also, things said in parenthesis tend to come across as comedic, so it helps the tone of the serious story to try to minimize them.

The same goes for but / although additions to sentences. Decide if they deserve their own new sentence or paragraph or if that information really needs to be told to the reader at all.

Beware when using epithets. “The blue paladin” sounds cold and unsympathetic. If you want readers to attach themselves, use names.

Story:

There’s a lack of impact in the initial chapter because we are told snippets of Lance’s experiences, but rather than holding it as a mystery, or exploring it in more depth, these things come across like an informative list rather than a story.

Each event and experience that lance has faced, while impactful on its own, loses impact when strung together with the other pieces that come across as list-like.

There are two options of exploring lance’s experiences, and this will come down to how you choose to narrate the story, and it’s this: Do you want Lance to be the POV character or not?

If you make lance the poc character, you can explore all of his thoughts and memories of the events of his capture. It would be an internal tale, and explore him learning to communicate with his team once again.

Or, you could make Keith the POV character, and write more of a “medical mystery / crime procedural” type story, where the team slowly learns of the events that happened to Lance and how deep they go. (this does not have to be a klance fic or romantic at all if you choose to make keith the POV. He’s just the narrator who cares about his friend)

The flaws in the first couple of chapters are a little counterintuitive. The story seems a bit rushed, and one would assume that it’s under explained. I think the opposite is true. It’s over explained, trying to catch us up as quickly as possible to everything that has happened to Lance.

What would make the story more interesting would be to let each event breathe a bit, and explore more of Lance’s sensory reactions and his dialogue with his team than simply stating what happened to him and what went wrong. Show us Lance’s flightiness and mistrust instead of telling us about his torture.

The first chapter could use a bit more environmental description. Where do they go in the lions? How far? When?

The second chapter where Keith is rescuing Lance is fairly straightforward a good, we just need to decide on a main narrator and stick to them.

“Keith wished that he knew how to help, really – it was frustrating to all of them. They wanted to be able to help, but Lance wouldn’t let them in. He still kept everything inside, as he usually did, they’d learned. Lance was the type to bottle up his emotions because he was worried they’d hold someone back.”

This would be a great opportunity to show us Lance’s mistrust instead of telling us. What are his actions? His reactions? What does he do, specifically?

“Coran wished that he could see what was going on inside of Lance’s head so that he could help him.”

This comes across as odd and weak because we as readers can see inside of lance’s head. We were told lots of things by the story, so there’s no surprise or mystery. We feel smarter than Coran, rather than on his level.

The story really starts to take shape in the third chapter, and I really like that Coran is both a main part of the story and well-characterized. But the POV / narration problems are of prime concern. Once we figure these out, it will start to flow much more smoothly and be much more engaging to read!

#vld #voltron #Voltron legendary defender #writing help #fanfic reviews #voltron reviews #my reviews

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