#me trying to remember where i left off and when i make another actual update xxxx

[solar-wing]

Im sorry, but HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO WRITE SO MANY GOOD FICS WITH THAT MANY WORDS??????

Do you have any tips for anyone planning to start writing? Can you describe how your creative thinking works? Love your work!

my exact writing process:

going from left to right:

– stare at my computer, willing the idea/scene in my head to appear on the document in words while listening to whatever inspired me on repeat. – sleep after exhausting my creative energy in such a strenuous manner. – eventually, come back to the idea/story only to end up formating the story post (story cover, author's note, summary, masterlists links, etc.) and not actually work on the story itself. – EVENTUALLY, write something and feel proud of myself for all of five minutes.

– eventually, come back and cringe at the screen wondering what the fuck I wrote and how I even got to the point I'm at. – question who I am and what I'm doing while staring at the screen, attempting again to will the scene/story I'm imagining onto the screen in a DECENT format while also wondering how the fuck it got so long. – read a notification from one of you coronal mass ejections asking me when the story I've been ignoring for months is getting updated (rightfully so) – write with passion fear, because I know if I delay any longer, one of you CMEs will eventually unite the rest of you and start a mass riot.

– stare at the post after publishing it and refresh my screen every thirty seconds to see the likes, reblogs, and comments coming in. – sleep (very important step) – eventually, read over my own work after posting it, going back in to make edits after realizing I either have a duplicated paragraph/section or a misspelled word somewhere and it's bugging the hell out of me while trying to just ignore it. – look at my inbox/drafts, trying to decide what request/draft I should finally start/finish, until I don't do that and just end up starting a new random story after getting inspired from the most random thing.

and that's it (i'm so serious, it goes exactly like that)!

but, in more seriousness, there's three crucial things to my writing creative/process.

an idea that was randomly sparked from a song or likely another post I read somewhere.

a super-powered hyperfocused spawned from ADD (attention deficit disorder) that randomly turns on and off.

drafts that have been sitting in my Google Drive for months to nearly a year.

it's funny because I'm sure people have questions of how I'm pushing upwards of 30K word fics out back to back at times, and the whole time, I'm like "This draft has been sitting here and getting slowly added to since April."

One Kent Was Enough was an idea I got last year during the summer (2023), and the draft had literally been sitting in my Google Drive and Tumblr drafts for months. Like I'm pretty sure I had a draft post of it on my old account before it got shadowbanned and I made this one..

All that to say, my writing process is pretty organic to me. It's really a reflection of my personality and how I operate in real life. Though, I I'd doubt that a lot of the stuff I put in there is unique just to me.

As far as tips I would have, the first one would be don't expect to write like your favorite author off the bat. One, you're two completely different people with different personalities, styles, likes/dislikes, etc. Two, if any of you remember how Nightwing and Shadow first came about, then you know seeing where it's gotten now has been a process. I promise I did not just start writing like this.

But, the biggest tip I would give is to just write. I saw a music artist named Doechii say this in an interview: "I have the right to be bad at something when I first start." Like I said in my process, there are many points I will look back at my work and completely hate it. Sometimes, the stories won't make sense to you or you'll feel like you've just thrown a bunch a words on the screen. It's okay.

It adds to your process because eventually, you start to learn what works best for you and what doesn't. Also, the stories end up turning out to be really well-thought-out and good in the end. I'm not joking when I say One Kent Was Enough was a literal mess at multiple points, and many times, I had no idea where I was going with the story. I literally couldn't get past the scene where the boys meet their dads and the rest of the Team for months until I had a breakthrough.

you'll eventually find your own way. just start writing 💛

[la-principessa-nuova]

My Secret Trans Room

One of the cool things about the layout of my house is that I have a walk in closet that is extremely out of the way and pretty much safe from any guest ever going in it, and so when I say I am a closeted trans woman I mean I’m literally hiding in a closet.

It started as just a corner in this closet where I put my fem clothes and my wig, but then I started jokingly referring to it as my “girl cave” (euphemism not intended) or my “trans room”, and slowly I started wanting to make it a safe space where I can be in girl mode and feel comfortable and girly.

Back when I was trying out the name Alice, I got this cute wall decal and then never got around to updating it. To be fair I also never got around to bringing some other colors of dry erase marker downstairs, so I never got around to updating my whiteboard to be prettier.

Fun fact about that whiteboard sticker is that I had a roll of that from a project years ago and then when I started my current job, I temporarily had to work out of this closet while I waited for my new laptop to arrive (they gave me one that didn’t work with the dock I have upstairs as a placeholder but I had another dock hooked up in this room for writing that I barely ever ended up using because I never work on my book). So one day while I was working in there I got stuck on a problem and needed to work it out on a whiteboard and so I went and grabbed that roll and stuck this bit on the wall.

You can also see here the corner where I have some D20 stuff that gives up more masc energy. I didn’t want to kick it out of the room because I still like it, but I didn’t want it affecting the vibe of the room so it sits in the corner. You can also see a little bit in this picture and the next one the corner of masc shirts because my other bedroom closet doesn’t have a hanging rod so I needed to hang a few shirts in here. They’re my attempt to phase in more color to make my choice of clothes after coming out seem a little less uncharacteristic to my family.

Next up is the area where I hang my dresses and sweaters. This spot used to just be where I hung my trans flag, but as my wardrobe expanded I needed the space. I’ve also crammed my mirror and lamp in here. The lamp has to be behind the mirror because otherwise I’m in shadow when I look in the mirror. But yeah, it’s really crammed in there.

My purses are also there. I got a couple different styles to try out, also because they’re really just to complete outfits right now since I’m not going anywhere in girl mode yet.

The red and black striped sweater is a really cute cat hoodie that I wish I took a picture with while I was up taking photos. I’m in bed now, but maybe tomorrow or something I’ll put together an outfit to show off some of my cute cat stuff.

Next we have the other side of the room. In terms of decorations, we have LEGO flowers in a knock-off lego vase, Blåhaj with trans cat ears, some trans and lesbian flags, a Korok (Yahaha! You found me!), and Boggy the Froggy. If you look back to the first photo in this post, you can see Peppermint Preston and Big Blåhaj.

Oh yeah, and how can I forget the three little Dvärgtall guys next to the books? (BTW I didn’t remember the name so I googled “ikea decorative men” and it came up).

In the middle is an epic gamer sit/stand desk that I have slowly been turning into a vanity. I just got it ready to actually use, so I haven’t brought my make up in from the bathroom yet. That will go in the bins under the mirror.

Zooming in a little closer, we can see my cute acrylic tape dispenser on the left of the mirror and the unicorn diffuser on the right. I don’t buy into the essential oil pseudoscience stuff but I prefer them over chemically air fresheners and scented candles for making a room smell good. I usually diffuse rose in this room, so it always smells like a mixture of roses and new clothes.

Past the vanity, I have a couple bookshelves. This is mostly LGBT books and a few books that just look a bit girly, plus some very trans-adjacent manga. They’re partially in here to hide them so they don’t out me, but mostly just because they add to the aesthetic.

Below that I have some shoes, but not much because I don’t go outside in girl mode yet. Then I have a hanging shelf thing where I keep most of my bottoms, and next to it all of my tops.

Beyond that is what can only possibly be described as too many wigs. Of the 15 wigs, I would say that 8 are wearable and maybe 4 are something I plan on wearing depending on what style I’m going for in the near future. Some of them are obviously more for goofing around dressing up, but some are just bad wigs. The bottom right one is tangled beyond repair, but I keep it because it was my first wig that I bought the night my egg cracked.

Honorable mention to the “MAKE YOURSELF A PRETTY GIRL” box one of my wigs came in and my Sundry Sidney poster, positioned almost like a call and response.

P.S.

I went to walk back into the room to put my glasses down and the only light was the red charging light on this galaxy moon. Way creepier vibe than usual.

[ssjumi]

It's been literally 20 years since I wrote the YGO fic that to some regard still defines how I view my favorite OC babygirl Aileen to this day 💕✨

So this is a gift for teenage me, who would've probably pretended to be too cool to care, but would have absolutely lost her shit seeing our girl in the style of the show (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

For those curious, here's a little (updated) character profile of Aileen:

Aileen Noda

18yo (half a year older than Seto, so a class ahead of him)

🇯🇵 (dad), 🇮🇹 (mom)

her dad got sole custody after her parents (never married) split; she's not close to her mom but they're on friendly speaking terms

—

heiress to a multimillion dollar software company that was in business negotiations with the Kaiba Corporation at some point when it was still headed by Gozaburo

moved around a lot as a kid before spending her tweens and most of her teenage years in South England, when business took them there

fluent in English and Japanese (although a bit rusty when it comes to not sounding too direct/impolite with latter) - had one year of German and almost three years of Mandarin before moving schools - knows just enough Italian to survive as a casual tourist

not rly interested in daddy's business at the time/shortly before our story, but figures she still has many years to live her own life and find her passions before she has to step up anyway

(spoiler alert: nope, she does not)

—

has a driver's license and drives just well enough to not get it revoked but not so well that it's a joy to sit next to her

pretty pragmatic with a dry humor

comes off as very confident and independent

loses her dad tho shortly after they've moved to Domino and went into new negotiations with the KC, which rly fucks her up since she hasn't made any friends there yet and her dad was basically her entire support system, which she never realized until he was gone

develops a socially encouraged kind of unhealthy relationship to food and working out, which is not helped by the smaller sizes considered standard in Japan

—

for some reason falls for Seto Kaiba of all people and even ends up with him unaware that she could do a lot better but alas, who am i to tell my daughter No

A while ago I gave rewriting the earlier mentioned fanfic a try, but since YGO isn't my active main fandom anymore, I'll probably never finish it and if I do, it will have a very different format than the original story.

But since we're already in Long As Fuck Read More territory, I've included the prologue and another tiny snippet here, for those who are curious:

Surprising as it may seem, given how his face is plastered all over the city they live in, Yugi and his friends don't really think much about Seto Kaiba in their everyday lives.

They're doing their thing and he does his. … Whatever his thing is.

Building theme parks probably? Yugi remembers him mentioning something like this the last time they spoke but he's not sure anymore. The fact that Kaiba's been gracing class with his presence for the past few days probably means that things are going well enough for him to have the spare time. Although he's spending most of that time on his laptop anyway, not participating in class at all and left alone by the teachers as well.

No, really. Neither Yugi nor his friends know what Kaiba's thing actually is.

So they're a little surprised when after class, during cleaning duty, a girl in another school's uniform slips through the door and makes a beeline for the desk in the far corner of the room where Kaiba, true to his famous team spirit, is still fully focused on his personal work instead of helping his classmates.

One of her long, black pigtails slips over her shoulder as she snatches a glance at his laptop screen. To which Kaiba just reacts by closing said laptop and shoving it into his schoolbag. Which in turn puts a slightly too sweet, almost teasing smile onto her lips. "Want me to give you a ride home?" He sighs and mumbles something that sounds a lot like "There are worse ways to die, I guess" before getting up and following her outside.

It finally becomes apparent why a few of the guys in the class have spent the past couple minutes at the window - the car Kaiba follows that stranger to is a red Porsche cabriolet that looks like right out of a Hollywood movie.

Jounouchi doesn't know what to be more scandalized about - that Kaiba of all people is getting picked up by a cute girl while he doesn't or that some of his female classmates seem completely unimpressed by all of this because "everyone knows he has a girlfriend, duh". He and his friends exchange confused glances.

Seto Kaiba is weird in occasionally dangerous but usually just a little annoying ways and overall just not that interesting. And, as far as they're aware, he's also completely uninterested in making friends or even just understanding the basic concept of friendship - or interpersonal relationships in general.

And yet.

Seto Kaiba has a girlfriend.

If you're still here: Congrats! You earned yourself the secret knowledge that this fic by the way isn't just Seto/OC but also YamiYugi/Seto, as in: Seto is gonna cheat on her with Atem, as soon as he finds out that he can not just play intense card games with the guy but also have sex with him - which never even occured to him until he already had Ati's hand between his legs.

Aileen will break up with him over it.

In the timeline of the original fic from 20 years ago they did end up back together and even marrying though and it wasn't even too bad for a while but became a very unhappy relationship over time, during which she fell for (and had one passionate night with) Seto's assistant Isono. She got pregnant from him and Seto is kind of aware that it is likely not his child and she knows that he probably knows... while Isono tries very hard to tell himself that this kid surely can't be his, nope, no evidence of this one night means it never happened and he never wavered in his loyalty to his Kaiba-sama, it's fine, he's fine, they're all fine.

(It's still mostly him raising the child since Aileen soon realizes she has no idea where exactly to fit a child into her life and Seto... to his credit did manage to not have Mokuba die on him while responsible for him in his teen years, but if we're all honest here that was not by virtue of him being a responsible and trustworthy parental figure.)

I haven't made up my mind yet if Aileen and Seto would also end up married in/after the rewritten fic tho.

Who knows.

Not me.

... Ah, yeah, and I also ship her with Ryou Bakura's dead sister Amane :D so there's that as well.

Anyway.

YAY @ drawing of her I'm very very very satisfied with （￣︶￣）✨💖

[callsigns-haze]

Rant

A lot of my friends have been annoyed recently that I've been spending a lot of time with one of my friends Mckenna and are like "he's been your friend for years it's not like you never see him."

Me and McKenna have been friends since we were eight but the point I have is that we stayed close due to gym and here is the reason behind this post.

I've been getting a lot of anons for the last few months asking me about where are my football or gym updates and why I haven't been posting much about that.

As some know I completely ruined my hand in September and a lot of you know that started due to a football injury but truly I want to come out to say this year has been absolutely shit to me.

I should have been off sports for six weeks but I really wasn't bothered to do so so the same week I went back to the gym and upstairs this is a rental for like an hour.

I was up there training by myself thankfully they were bringing equipment out of the upstairs room downstairs so somebody was there not too long after but I decided to do box jumps with weights and if people know I am a horrible person at doing box jumps.

The box jump area is beside the racks and I don't think I jumped right and I did not land right so I fell off the box and I hit my head off the weights, there's a whole entire rack and my head started bleeding. I was in shock and I couldn't speak so all I was trying to do is bang against the floor but there were mats so it was really useless. It's not like anyone would hear me in a gym thankfully roughly like ten minutes later someone came in and saw me like bleeding on the floor so that got covered up and so I couldn't train until November.

In November I was going through shit, everyone knows that I tried to commit again I haven't done that for years and I thought I was going good but I did not do good and I couldn't go back to training either so when I got cleared a week ago on Wednesday. They said I could go to the gym that's all I've been doing and I've been spending hours at the gym and people are like you could hang out with your friend at different times and actually start being available.

The only real reason I love hangout with McKenna is because he doesn't mention it, he doesn't ask if I'm okay, he doesn't mention if I need anything, he's just there. People always ask if there is something to do for you, do you want to talk about it, and you're making my mind think about it but McKenna is completely different to me.

McKenna just listens but he listens for like a bit and then he brings up the most random topic and if I spent three hours in the gym I don't know what I was complaining about earlier, he's just that kind of person.

Today I cancelled plans with a friend that I'm like I'm going out with McKenna I can't do this today and she goes like why you made plans for me like two weeks ago. I'm like no we made plans for Sunday and yesterday you told me how to sleep over with another friend, that you made those plans three days ago and you tell me you forgot about our plans.

I'm like if you forgot about my plans that I don't have to do your plans and I'm not trying to be toxic or anything but this has happened a lot recently where I've been left out.

So I said if you can't remember about me I'm not gonna be remembering you and my friends are like, that's so toxic of me maybe it is but I'm not gonna be playing this back and forth game and if you're going to be judging me for hangout a person that I love tang out with then you're not part of my life anymore.

[kingwithpaintedfingers]

An Update on the Status of My A03 Fics!

Hihi! I have no idea if anyone who follows this blog reads any of my fics on AO3, but if you do, then you might like to know what the heck is going on with my fics, and why I haven't posted any updates in over six months.

First of all, I am alive! I wrote a lot of fics in the summer of 2022 when I had just gotten active in a fan server on Discord where there was a lot of encouragement to write fanfiction. In the spring of 2023, I started a medical assistantship course, and in order to keep myself focused in class, I turned off notifications for the server. And then I just kind of...didn't turn them back on???? In my defense, I was intimidated by the amount of time it would take for me to backread everything I missed, and that eventually snowballed into me just no longer looking at that server. I should honestly become active in it again, because it did a lot for my writing productivity. I also have a lot of hobbies both in real life and on my computer, and those take up a lot of my time as well. So that's why I didn't post much last year and haven't posted anything yet this year.

But I want to let you all know, that I do fully intend to complete the fanfics I have already started on AO3, and I do intend to write the sequels I promised a year and a half ago.

So without further ado, here is a status report on the incomplete fics and series I have on my AO3:

How to Live With Fire: One of my most popular fics! I have two sequels planned, and a rough idea of what I want to happen in each of them. Both of them are probably going to be only a few chapters long. The delay on this one is mostly on Part 2, since Part 2 has only the vaguest ideas of what I want to do with it (how Mortarion and Vulkan become a longterm couple, and how their legions react to this change). The trouble with this one is, I haven't read any Salamanders novels, let alone ones that take place during the Horus Heresy. I think I will at least have to read Deathfire for this one. I am praying that I don't have to read Vulkan Lives, since I understand that one has less tasty Salamanders content than I would like, and way more John Grammaticus than I find tasteful. But I will still try Deathfire at the very least, if I can find a physical copy at the library or a used bookstore or something.

A Matter of Trust: Another one that's going to end up being a trilogy. I have figured out what happens, now I just need to read the Plague Wars trilogy, because those events are going to be kind of important to the rest of the plot. Again, I'd like to read physical copies of the books so that I can flip through them easily. I'm going to see if I can find copies of the first two novels through the local libraries. Fingers crossed!

Until the Bitter End: Ohhhh, this one's gonna make me cry...this one is mostly hinging on me rereading The Buried Dagger and taking notes. Much lower barrier for entry for this one, since I've read it so often that I mostly remember where to find the events I'm looking for.

Lantern and the Child: This one is going to have like, a billion chapters. It's going to become episodic for a while, but I'm looking forward to it. In this case, it's a case of figuring out which characters I want to introduce. The idea of it being episodic is kind of exciting for me, because it feels like it will be a fun thing to do, and because it goes along with a writing conceit that my co-creator and I have for this AU, that it's the events of a theoretical (very dark) Pokemon anime.

This Once Nearly Was Mine: This one should literally be the easiest one to complete, I am ashamed that I haven't finished it. There's only one chapter left, and I don't even have to come up with all of the events. Again, this one is going to dip into Horus Heresy events that I haven't actually read, but I think I've heard enough from osmosis that I can skip most of it. I just need to, y'know, actually sit down and fucking write it.

Deep's Embrace: I've got an outline! And I've even got some scenes written out! As I type this post, I am preparing to submit chapter 2. I'm having a lot of fun with this fic, as you could probably all tell.

Anyway, that's basically it for now. If you have any questions, please let me know! And if you have any friends who you know enjoy my fics but aren't following me or aren't on Tumblr, please link them to this post so that they know just what the hell is going on with me.

[slytherinbangchan]

Inked Dreams (NCT Dream Tattoo Artist!Au) (M)

Chap 10 out of 10 -> First arc: Haechan&Chenle x female reader Second arc is Jisungie's arc!🐹 Let me know if you guys are interested~

>>Chap 1 here

Summary: A NCT Dream Tattooist!Au where the Dreamies are college's heartthrobs and most likely will steal your heart whenever you less expect it.

Inked Dreams Masterlist~

[My First and Last: Chap 10🐬]

The moment you cross the door all eyes are on you and Hyuck. “What?” He asks and Mark looks at you and then Chenle. They all have their phones in their hands so you automatically take yours out too and see a bunch of notifications. “Of course.” You say, then you scoff and put your phone away again. That girl posted Chenle's video on instagram with a very long text you don't really feel like reading.

Hyuck chuckles as he checks his phone and double taps on the post, making you chuckle too. “You should read it, babe. It's actually funny.” He tells you, dropping the cookie box on a table as you walk over to sit next to Chenle, who looks just as confused as the rest of the guys. “It's okay, he knows.” You say, ruffling Lele's hair, and everyone suddenly seem way more relaxed. Guess Chenle updated them about the whole thing just before you arrived. “Should we all like that post?” Jaemin asks and Mark chuckles. “No, but I think it's a good idea though?” He says. “Yeah, if we just go with it, people won't care for it as much as if we actually try to deny it.” Jisung adds and Jeno chuckles. “We? Are you part of the love triangle?” He asks, pulling some smiles from everyone. “Well, Jisung is Chenle's soulmate after all, isn't he?” You say and Jisung winks at you. “Okay, let's like the post.” Renjun agrees. “I'm kinda annoyed though you guys won't let me just tell that girl off. It's not the first time she does something problematic.” He sighs. “What do you mean?” You ask and the guys look at Hyuck and he looks at you, clearing his throat before talking. “Okay, y/n you remember that I told you people used to ask me to tattoo them but then cancel cause they only wanted an excuse to get to talk to me?” He asks and you nod. “Well, actually it was a bit more complicated than that.” He says, then his eyes drift to Mark's and he sits up on the couch. “Yeah, y/n, back when the tattoo thing happened, we found out that the girl who posted Chenle's video was paying those people to get info about Haechan.” Mark continues. “What??” You ask. “Yep, she has a lot of money apparently, she and her friend also looked completely different back then.” He says and you look at the guys and then at Hyuck. “But what did she want?” You ask and Renjun clicks his tongue. “Just Haechan I guess? She was obsessed with him in a very weird way.” He says and Hyuck sighs. “Yeah. Her friend kissed me at a party and I followed the kiss. She told the guys at the arcade that me ghosting her friend is the reason why she was mad at me, but she was pretty much a stalker even before her friend kissed me.” He explains. “Yeah, we actually thought her friend was just another person she paid to get closer to Haechan.” Mark adds and you feel terrible in almost every way possible. “I'm so sorry I introduced you to them again at the arcade.” You apologize but the guys brush it off. “Please, how could you have known? It's not your fault at all.” Jaemin says, and the others agree. “Y/n, at first not even I could recognize any of them. I only did when they started talking.” Hyuck says and the guys agree. “We only noticed after you guys left so...”

The doorbell rings, saving you all from talking anymore about that horrible person and most of the guys move to help getting the food from the delivery man.

You pout at Hyuck and he chuckles, then you walk towards him to hug. “I'm sorry that I made you talk to her earlier today too.” You say. You really feel bad. “I should have asked about her earlier.” You say as you pout, hanging from his neck and he chuckles. “What? It's fine, dummy.” He says, taking a lock of hair out of your face before pecking your lips. “I could have told you about the whole thing too the day we saw them at the arcade.” He says, pulling you closer with a hug. “Stop blaming yourself, okay?” He asks and you nod, still pouting, making him chuckle softly again before meeting your lips in a kiss.

-------------------------

“What did you order Jisungie?” You ask him, since it seems nobody is handing him his food yet. “Ah, I didn't order anything, I can't eat.” He says and Renjun chuckles. “You can have some ice cream Sung-ah.” He tells him, but Jisung pouts. “No way, after hyung nagged so much at me last night I'm not eating anything.” He says, a bit sulky, and Renjun laughs. “I just can't believe you did shots last night after getting a tongue piercing.” Jeno says, joining Junnie's laughter. “You got a piercing? That's why you've been talking kinda weird? Show me!” You say, but he's still sulking and that only makes Renjun want to bite him apparently. “Jisung-ah. I'm sorry that I nagged at you so much. I was worried about your tongue.” He says and Jaemin chuckles. “He was also sulking about something else last night and took it on you.” He says, casually playing with Junnie's ear and Renjun clicks his tongue, slapping Jaemin's hand away. But Jaemin smiles and pinch Jun's cheek, which makes Renjun frustratedly sigh. “Whatever. The thing is that I was only worried about you last night, but you should definitely eat something cold if you're hungry.” He explains.

You meet Chenle's eyes, who is now sitting in front of you as Renjun and the others keep talking, and realize that you haven't got the chance yet to check on him. But guess it's not the best time right now anyway. Everyone is settling down to finally eat. “Here.” Hyuckie says, handing you some chopsticks and a spoon before sitting next to you. “Thank you~” You smile at him, then you look at Chenle again who smiles at you after a second. Seeing his eye smile for the first time since that video was posted makes your heart jump in happiness. It's the first time too though that you see him so quiet around the guys.

He also seems kinda nervous everytime anyone asks him something, even if it's just to pass the soda or stuff like that, so you decide to wait and ask him when the guys are not around.

He's not finished eating while the guys clean up a bit so you move to sit next to him. “Hey...” You say. “Hi...” He answers, but you hear Hyuckie clearing his throat even before you can actually start a conversation, and you and Chenle look up to see him standing in front of you. You tilt your head confused and Hyuck chuckles softly. “Renjun is asking for you in the kitchen.” He says and you sigh. “Can't he wait?” You ask but Donghyuck shakes his head. “Nope, it sounded urgent.” He says, so you click your tongue and stand up to walk to the kitchen. “Hey, Hyuckie says you called me.” You tell Renjun and he looks at you a bit confused. “I didn't?” He says and now you're more confused than ever. “You didn't? None of you called me?” You check, just in case, and the guys shake their heads.

You walk back to the living room ready to nag at Hyuckie but you stop right before you enter the room. “So... You're not mad at me for not saying anything, hyung?” You hear Chenle ask, and your heart skips a beat. Hyuck clicks his tongue and playfully pulls Chenle towards him with his arm around his neck. “Of course not. I was just worried about my cute dongsaeng and had to check on him.” He says and you pout as your heart gets soft just watching them. Chenle scoffs as soon as he sees you and Hyuck laughs at your pout, releasing Chenle from his hug and inviting you to sit with them. “Agh, I was so ready to nag at you but you were here being all wholesome.” You say and the guys laugh. “Yeah, I'm sorry I tricked you baby, but I really wanted to talk to him alone for a minute.” Hyuck apologizes and you hug him. “Yeah it's fine.” You say. “Are you really okay though? You seemed pretty awkward at lunch.” You ask Chenle and he sighs. “Yeah... I mean, I do feel bad that hyung had to find out about my feelings for you cause of a revenge post instead of myself, but that's my fault too. I could have told him about my feelings getting real before any of this happened.” He says and Hyuck chuckles. “Yeah? Were you ready to talk to me about that, though?” He asks, making you chuckle too and Chenle scoffs after a second as he smiles. “I guess not. You were so fucking whipped... It was kinda scary just thinking about mentioning it.” He admits and you all chuckle. “Aw, you were whipped for me Hyuckie?” You ask, hugging him and he smiles and nods. “I still am.” He confesses before meeting your lips and Chenle rolls his eyes. “See? I thought he'd kill me if I said something. Or he'd try at least.” He says, making you both smile on the kiss.

“Can we come back to the living room now?” The guys ask and you all chuckle. “Yeah.” You say, then you look at Chenle. “Can we talk somewhere else then?” You ask as the guys come back. Chenle nods and Hyuckie lets go of the hug after pecking your lips so you can leave with Lele.

You sit outside in the balcony but regret it almost immediately as you can't even keep your eyes open under that extremely shiny sun, so you laugh at your stupid decision and go back inside and to Hyuckie's room.

You were feeling a bit nervous at first, but not anymore after the balcony moment. “You know, I thought you just wanted to talk, but turns out you wanted to kill me instead.” Chenle jokes and you laugh. “Damn, you were too quick to notice. I'll have to think of something else now.” You say and he chuckles, then you both just remain silent for a bit as you smile.

You sigh after a minute and hold his hand. Guess you got that habit from Hyuckie now. Chenle laces his fingers with yours and you bite your lower lip as you put your thoughts in order inside your head. “Are you really okay with that post?” You ask and he nods. “I was only worried about hyung's reaction since I had already talked to you, and I don't care at all about what people say so...” He explains and you agree. “I'm fine too as long as you two are okay.” You say, then stare at him for a second. “I'm... sorry too that I didn't know what to say earlier today when we first talked.” You apologize and he sighs. “It's okay y/n, I understand. Really.” He says. “I... kinda know what I want to tell you now though... Do you want to hear it?” You ask and he nods as he smiles softly. “Well... I love you.” You say and he chuckles cause he didn't expect that. “Probably not in the same way you may love me, but I do. And... I hate that I hurt you and that I can't fix it.” You say and he smiles kinda mischievously. “Yeah, I hate that too.” He says, squeezing your hand softly, and you pout.

He sighs and sweetely caresses your cheek with the back of his free hand. “I guess we grew closer than we originally thought we'd do, huh? But I'm happy that it happened that way.” He says and your heart flutters. “I think I do love you the same way you love me though, y/n. Me liking you in a romantic way has nothing to do with it... I'm sure I'll still love you even when I get over you. So don't say you don't love me the same way... Just that you love me, yeah?” He says, and you can't help the tears in your eyes. “Yeah.” You say, trying not to break down crying, but failing a little. Making him chuckle at your pout. “Such a crybaby.” He lovingly says, softly wiping the tears that fell down your cheek and you frown, making him laugh again. “I'm sorry.” He says, pulling you into a hug. “Thank you for loving me so much y/n.” He says and you grasp on his clothes as you squeeze him harder. “I love you just as much. I just can't cry at all.” He says, making you giggle. “Ah, that's fine.” You say, pulling away. “I'll cry for the both of us.” You say and he nods as he smiles before you pull him into another hug.

------------------------

Epilogue. “Is Jaemin asleep?” Hyuckie asks as you both walk across the living room. “Mhm~ sound asleep indeed.” Junnie distractedly says as he takes his eyes from his drawing for a moment to check a notification on his phone. “Okay, well, I'm gonna drive y/n home. I'll be back in a bit.” Hyuckie tells him and Renjun nods. “Bye Renjunnie~” You say, hugging him. “Bye~ Be careful yeah? It's late.”

You yawn as soon as you get in the car and Hyuck smiles. “Too many emotions today, huh?” He asks and you giggle. “Yeah, I'm exhausted.” You admit. “Mhm, make sure to get a lot of sleep tonight. Cause I'll be bothering you all day tomorrow.” He says, making you smile. “You better, cause I just know I'm gonna miss you so much tonight.” You say and he chuckles. “Then why are you even leaving? Stay. I don't want you to go? I couldn't even bring myself to start the car yet.” He says and you both chuckle. “Oh god, we're so fucking clingy.” You say. “Yeah!” He proudly says. “Okay, I'm staying then.” You say. “Of course you are!” He exclaims. “Oh, but wait. I want to ask you something before it slips my mind again.” He says and you nod. “So... Your birthday is close right? What would you like to do and is there something you want?” He asks and your heart flutters. “As a present?” You ask and he nods. “Well, duh... I want a tattoo.” You say and he chuckles. “Yeah, I thought so. I'll talk to Renjunnie then.” He says and you shake your head. “I want you to do it, dummy.” You say and he blushes. “Me?” He asks. “Of course, you idiot.” You say before pulling from his shirt to kiss him. “I love Renjun's work but what I really want right now is a tattoo from my cute, clingy boyfriend.” You say, making him chuckle. “If he's okay with it~” You sing and he nods as he smiles. “You can have all the tattoos you want from your silly, clingy boyfriend.” He says. “I never said silly.” You giggle. “That really is a dream come true though. I don't know how it never occurred to me before that dating a tattoo artist could mean infinite free tattoos.” You think out loud and he laughs. “Who said they'll be free?” He asks and you pout. “I'll take ten kisses per tattoo.” He says and you smile. “Just ten?” You ask. “You can always tip.” He wiggles his eyebrows and you giggle. “I sure will.” You say before meeting his lips. “Alright let's go back to the house, I want to smooch you properly.”

The lights are off in the living room as you enter the apartment, so you two just tiptoe your way to Hyuck's room just in case, not to wake up anyone. He pokes around his drawers for some comfy clothes for you while you wait, sitting on his bed. “Just give me whatever you wear to bed. If it doesn't smell like you I don't want it.” You say and he can't help a smile as he keeps looking for it. “Mhm~”

You check your phone for a moment and chuckle seeing how that girl had to delete her stupid post cause everyone was throwing hate at her. Guess the guys were right about liking her post.“Here.” Hyuckie says, handing you one of his shirts and you leave your phone aside again to change. “Thanks~” You say, then a thud coming from another room startles you, followed by some objects clattering and a moan. Your eyes look for Hyuckie's as you blush, but he's staring at the wall, pursing his lips, trying very hard not to smile. “Was that...” You ask and Hyuck bites his lower lip, still trying not to smile or laugh, as if he knew something you don't. But that was definitely Renjun's voice. “Is he... Alone..?” You ask, and Hyuck finally chuckles as you hear more moans and you blush even harder. He sighs then chuckles again. “No y/n, he's not.”

Chap 9.... Next Arc~

[summercourtship]

Kyra, I stayed up all night reading your new chapter, i am not even joking when i say that when i saw that it ended i LITERALLY GASPED OUT LOUD!!! The smut was TOP TIER! omg so hot! so many stuff happening!!! Edward smoking was so sexy! also him being like: “You were led astray, I see.” GOT ME BLUSHING FOR NO REASON????!!! Jonathan being a sneaky little bastard as always! it was so funny seeing him try to comfort the reader but also having no clue in what he was doing, like sir you are a psychiatrist! I imagine him reading a book like: “ how to comfort women for dummies”, another thing was him letting his facade slip for a second when he said: “You’re still my assistant, aren’t you? Or are you too busy for that?” I GUESS SOMEONE IS FEELING A BIT NEGLECTED HUH?! AND TO TOP IT ALL BRUCE WAYNE KNOWS SOMETHING IS HAPPENING!!!! THE JIG IS UP PEOPLE!!!!

But being real rn, you have no reason for being nervous, this chapter was AMAZING! Also if you don’t mind me asking, I would love to know what was your inspiration for starting this fic! I saw you were thinking of doing a BTS video i I love that!!!

THANK YOU! There is so much stuff happening and it'll probably stay like that until the end because there's only four chapters left and a lot of stuff to get through!!

Edward smoking: yes. I particularly enjoyed writing the detail of him offering the reader a drag and being disappointed when she refused because he's definitely the type to romanticize his lips touching the same things hers do (little does he know at that moment that she was planning on Fucking Him in like fifteen minutes.) And with him saying "you were led astray", I love him idolizing her so much because he's gonna get so hurt when he finds out she is just a normal person (who is in way over her head)

Jonathan: I think he knows how to comfort someone, but he doesn't want to actually comfort the reader. Because, again, he's feeling neglected and he's trying ten thousand different methods of coping and none of them are working. But it will come to a head, and soon.

Since she confronted the Batman on the roof, Bruce has been aware that the reader isn't telling him everything. Like, she isn't good at lying. But the burner phone going off and her lying about it is definitely ringing more bells in his head and he is realizing he needs to keep a closer eye on her. Wonder how he's gonna do that. :)

Thank you again for your kind words- I'm always scared whenever I update that this will be the chapter you all decide it's actually horrible and I wasted your time lol.

I don't remember exactly what my inspiration for this fic was, although I remember bits and pieces. It was originally just going to be a Bruce Wayne fic and I started writing it after I saw the Batman in March 2022. The first scene in the fic is the only thing I salvaged from that first version of the fic.

And then, months later, I decided to write a fic with Jonathan as a love interest along with Bruce bc I really like love triangles in reader insert fics lol, especially between heroes and villains. It's about the DYNAMICS.

Normally when I come up with my longer fics, it's because I write the fic I want to read- I couldn't find many Jonathan Crane multi-chapter fics and I wanted to fix that.

Edward was always going to be in the fic, but he only became a love interest later when I decided that I can be as self-indulgent in my fic as I want to be lol. He was always gonna be interested in the reader tho, the reader just didn't always reciprocate.

And as a fun little fact: the title for the fic was originally going to be "Stay and Burn" which is taken from the song Deus in Absentia by Ghost (my love). Then I decided to expand on it and make it my own. I like the dichotomy between fire and water, the implication that you made one reckless decision only to be blindsided by a different danger... idk.

Finally, YES when I'm done with this I do want to make a sort of BTS video where I just ramble about writing it. I've been wanting to make videos anyway for my art/shop, so why not add my writing as a topic as well?

[mamamittens]

Update (9/29/24)

So, I've posted two teasers with dates (they are scheduled to go up so I don't forget), and I believe I have 5 left to go as of right now! I've got summaries and have already broken down the asks for quick reference, so it's just a matter of actually sitting down and writing them.

Not totally confident about when I will have those up or if I'll post teasers like what I have now. But if I can, I will, so we'll see how that shakes up. I'm generally trying to go in order of when I got them, so if you joined the event later, yours will likely be later in October.

Due to the heavy amount of smut on the bracket for the event, I may also write at least one SFW fic as well. Still undecided. A little harder to be genuinely spooked when you could literally fuck your problems away lol

There may be a slight delay as I am hopeful about doing little art pieces for each one after I write them to make composing the pieces easier. I also find the process relaxing after the initial sketching phase so it's a nice decompress while I catch up on videos. If it's getting closer to November, they may be much simpler though, so consider the art a small bonus rather than the part you should be eagerly awaiting. Mostly just mood setters and a way to make it easier for me to remember if it starts popping off in my notifications so I know what people are really liking.

With maybe two days left of the event, I don't believe I will suddenly be flooded with more asks, so I would just like to thank everyone who has participated this year in what is the only way I really celebrate the spookiest day of the year. We don't really have trick or treaters where I live, my work place has restrictions for what I can wear (no metal, which wipes out a SHOCKING amount of clothing/costume options), and I'm just generally not rich enough or have enough free time to do anything else.

For the future, I do intend on doing another event for the Christmas/Yuletide/Winter timed holiday season, but no idea what that's going to look like. Work really vamps up at that time of year so I will likely be even more tired and annoyed with them lol

Generally speaking, my big events are partly designed to favor people that have followed me for a while or participated in one before, hence my usual policy concerning OCs (and it just saves time if I'm already familiar with the OC and don't need to pull out reference sheets) for them. It's not so bad this year since I haven't committed to 13 fics like last year, one of which I still haven't written, but it was one I had to take on since no one was intrigued by sea creatures lol, so its fine...

still don't know what to do with that one. Really should just go back and delete it but keeping it is a nice little reminder to humble myself a bit so there's that.

Anyway, I hope ya'll like the fics that are coming out for this event and have a generally spooky--but safe--October!

[lxvenderdreamy]

hiiii!! i just got back from camping lol and was wondering if you could do a 🍓 about soul and DtK asking M!Reader (and eachother) out on a date? like the 3 of them going out?

i’m so sorry that I haven’t been updating, i’m just trying to enjoy the summer while I have it and I haven’t been that all motivated, so I’m very sorry about that. I try to write but I just lose motivation. But i’ll try to start writing more like how I usually do!

Soul and Kid would start to have this feeling…this feeling involved in the last “date” that the three of you had. They actually wanted to go on an actual date with you, really bad.

You also followed through with this feeling as well, you can’t help but actually want to experience an actual date with Soul and Kid, but would that make you three a couple? Yes, it would. But you won’t mind, of course Kid and Soul won’t mind either.

Soul and Kid had already had asked out one another for this date and they both seemed pleased. Of course the relationship isn’t to its fullest without you, so they are gonna ask you out as well.

They decided to do it together instead of individually, so they got prepared and started to make way to you.

They both asked you out and you couldn’t help but flush red. It made your heart flutter and you felt excited about this date, an actual date with Soul and Kid.

You said yes and you all shared your opinions about the timing and where would the date be at. Thank goodness it was a Friday, so nothing is stopping you three.

Just like the last “date”, you went home and immediately got ready. You made sure that everything was nice yourself, you have to be appealing for this very loving date.

Instead of Soul picking you up, Kid did, Soul was also there too. (I imagine Kid has a limo and some guy is driving it lolol) You three sat in the back, chatting about this date.

When you all finally arrive, you three get out of the car and you get your seats, the date is calming and sweet, some slow music playing on the mist of the beauty of it all. You feel happy, your smile never dropped not one second because this really was an amazing date, it was nice and loving for you, it actually felt nice to go and have a literal date other than the last one.

Soul and Kid felt the same way, they really preferred going on an actual date with you other than just disguising it. Just seeing you smile and have a good time is what makes them happy as well.

There were some funny moments like how you guys kept flirting with one another or Soul just ordering the most plainest thing on the menu. Even when Kid was silently crying mentally when his wallet is empty it was still so funny.

After the date is all set and done, you thank them with a smile and a small blush on your cheeks before going back inside your house.

Soul and Kid had a little something up their sleeve, that being them giving you a small loving kiss before you left. It made you flustered as you just waved then off so flustered as you sped walked into your house and shutting the door. It as funny to see your reaction.

You three will always remember that beautiful night, it was amazing. It made you three happy. You would definitely love to go out more with them and they would too.

I am very sorry if this is short, like I said in the beginning I haven’t really been that motivated on either of my Quotev, Ao3, or even my wattpad. So I apologize for my lack of motivation throughout this summer, i’ll try to get back on track and put some more work out there for you guys because I really love you all, you all mean the world to me so it’s my honor to keep writing and updating you guys to make you all very happy❤️❤️❤️

[fordarkisthesuede]

Fangs of Ouroboros - Chapter 2 - Digging Down to the Nitty-Gritty

Bet you didn't expect an update so soon, huh? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Before we begin, please remember that the Ao3 version is available for Ao3 members only. So please circulate the links!

Last time...

After "visiting" Penguin in prison to find out why he wanted to destroy a P.I.'s office, Bruce discovers that Oswald has been corresponding with a assumed-to-be-deceased Lady Arkham. With more questions than answers, and another mystery on top of the ones he's already saddled with, Bruce tentatively leaves Tiffany and John to solve at least one - who created the bomb in the first place?

[ start ] | [ prev ] | [ Read on Ao3 ] | [ next]

It only took two seconds from Bruce making his leave for John to try and sit in his chair. 

One second too late.

“Hey, I wanted to sit this time!” he pouted, hands on his hips like a teenage girl.

“Too bad,” Tiffany shot back gloatingly, “You gotta be fast if you want to take the captain’s seat.” 

John glowered, crossed his arms, and defiantly situated himself partway onto the left armrest. If he moved too much, he’d definitely elbow her in the face. And most likely wouldn’t feel bad about it. “So, how’s it lookin’, Captain Robin?”

The list of matches to the partial fingerprint was long. Waaay too long. “Bad.” 

She attempted to filter out anyone arrested for previous explosive-related crimes, but there were still quite a few. Even when filtering out the dead ones. “Wow. Just life in Gotham, huh?”

John gave a derisive hee. “Tiff’, I’m a good juggler, but I didn’t get arrested for juggling crimes.”

He had a point, but she didn’t like the smug little smile he was looking down at her with. She wordlessly reset the filter for anyone with a background in firefighting, military, special effects, SWAT… Fifty-two potential suspects. Yikes.

“Of course, we’re just assuming they were ever arrested,” John commented.

“Are you kidding? Whoever they are, they definitely made this kind of stuff before.” She brought the 3D-image of the bomb over to the largest screen. She remembered what his homemade explosives were - essentially blocks of C4 with primitive (but accurate) timers attached to styrofoam heads. It was easier to show the example. “Look, the casing on this thing was custom-made. The timer was kind of cobbled-together, but the guy knew how to weld and solder right. See, the wires would have been really tight together. Like, practically perfect. The print was left in this tight area where he had to pick the explosive material up and connect it.”

John laughed - the kind where he actually found something funny. “You’ve been holding out on me! You’ve made one of these puppies?”

He reminded her of how one of her more distant relations would talk to her at the family barbeque when they found out what she did for a living. She wasn’t about to lie and tell him yes, even though she was sure she could make a duplicate any time she wanted. It would only give him ideas. “Not…exact-ly? But I know enough.”

“I don’t doubt it,” he added, looking strangely proud. “So why did it go kablooey early, then?”

Honestly, she wasn’t sure. The schematics Bruce and the AI pulled together looked almost perfect. Going by the remains of the board from the timer still attached to the very burnt-out wire, it likely wasn’t put in upside-down… But there was a gap above where the timer would have been. “Maybe it wasn’t,” she answered, “The timer might have had a shell cover.”

John hummed, pursing his lips and sitting back, but being mindful of her head. “So it could’ve been passed along with little Rocky none the wiser…”

“But it doesn’t make sense. Mr. Hartright is apparently just on vacation, and even if he goes into a coma, he could have cloud backups for his case files. Why destroy the office?”

“Well, either the bomb-maker hoped to kill whoever picked it up, or… Whoever ordered it specified the ‘wrong’ time.”

“I dunno, killing off his own men doesn’t sound like The Penguin…”

“No, it doesn’t…” John muttered, staring up at the list of suspects. “Any of our little rogue gallery in that list?” he asked, gesturing back to the glass cases of Batman’s foe-related memorabilia in the distance.

“‘Rouge gallery’?”

“What else do you call it? The Baddie Exhibit? The Scoundrel Repository? Villains on Display? Ha ha ha!”

“I dunno, I thought ‘Bruce’s weird trophy case’ was pretty on point,” she said with a shrug, filtering the search further for any major-player ‘rogues’. “And - doeeesn’t look like it.” A beat of silence between them, and she let herself ask what was practically dangling there:  “You really think one of them could be doing this?”

John leaned his head back with an annoyed sigh. “At this point, everybody’s a suspect. I wouldn’t put it past any of ‘em…”

Tiffany looked back at the list. There was a section she had ignored, being so focused on the people who could match the partial fingerprint:  recorded crimes where it was entered in as evidence. There might be something.

There were a few more cases than culprits. Only so many with bombs listed as evidence. 

But jugglers don’t always get arrested for juggling crimes. Tiffany warily set the filter for anything excluding the arrested suspects.

One result returned.

“I honestly didn’t expect that to work,” she commented aloud, feeling John shift on the armrest. “Looks like our print shows up in a second-degree murder case from five years ago… Mary Dahl and Waylon Jones - convicted of murder, conspiracy to cover, desecration of a corpse by CANNIBALISM?!”

“Oh-h-h, THAT’s why they’re familiar!” John clapped his hands together. “That was a great news cycle!”

“‘Suspect Waylon Jones was discovered barbequing the victim’s thigh in open air by the circus’ trailer park.’ God, that’s disgusting!”

“Well duuuh. That’s what made it such a great case! No one could hide their disgust on camera!” John laughed. “I still remember that cop in the background puking in the grass, live!”

She wasn’t feeling too good herself, now that she thought about it. John wasn’t helping, joyfully reminiscing about the news coverage of the guy’s freezer. “Apparently he hadn’t eaten any pieces yet, but of course they slapped him with the hard charges anyway. Still don’t know why he never ended up in Arkham… I knew three guys like that inside! One told me it tastes gamey.”

She couldn’t take any more. “John. Shut up.”

“...sorry.” 

Tiffany had learned enough ASL to translate his following hand gestures as “I’ll read silently”. “You better. I don’t want to get sick all over the keyboard.”

She took a deep breath, trying to focus on the background noise of rushing water behind her like Bruce had taught her as she covered her face with her hands. A deep breath in, focus fixed on the darkness of her eyelids as she dragged her fingers down the sides of her nose, and out. Another in - You can give it five minutes, and close it to pass to Bruce, she thought,You can do five minutes. - and out.

Mary Dahl, age 30, pleaded guilty to murder in the second degree. According to her statement, the victim, a local television producer by the name of Ben Uslan, came into her dressing room after following her from a magic act where she acted as the crowd participant. Ben made a pass at her (Tiffany felt a surge of sympathy with her disgust - Mary looked maybe seven), attempted to assault her, and Mary struck back (rightfully) with a glass whiskey decanter. Mary admitted to trying to cover up the crime by getting help from the circus’ sideshow-freak-slash-strongman, Waylon Jones, who dismembered and intended to eat the body.

Among the list of evidence was said decanter with the partial print found on the body of the rectangular glass, which was looked over when compared to Mary’s on the bottle neck. When the victim’s head was retrieved from the nearby wooded area (Tiffany grimaced and scrolled past the autopsy photo as fast as she could, only to have to go back up to read), Waylon took the blame for the second impact mark on the skull, claiming to have kicked it.

Tiffany leaned on the other armrest, trying to think while pushing the glimpse of the disgusting photo out of her mind. How the hell Bruce did this every day was a mystery itself. The waterfall was both too quiet to focus on and too loud. The coroner had stitched the head and hands back on like it was a sick puzzle put back together. The marks where a saw had cut through were so noticeable -

“Okay, I can’t take it - please say something!”

“They must’ve been close,” John said softly.

Tiffany looked over at him. John was staring at the page for Waylon Jones, which he’d clearly read to the bottom, with a sort of serious, contemplative look she’d never seen on him before.

“They both tried to take the fall for each other. You don’t see many people willing to do that.” It almost sounded like…he admired them. But surely John wasn’t that off-kilter. “That kind of dedication… It’s almost nice. You know,” he shrugged, his usual humor returning in a flash with one of his wider smiles, “if it weren’t for the attempted cannibalism-barbeque thing. So what did you find?”

“Aside from more nightmare fuel?” she asked rhetorically, breaking the weird mood he had built, “The print showed up on the murder-weapon, but no one mentioned a third person hanging around the scene.”

“And of course our good ol’ morons in blue completely ignored it.”

“Eeex-actly.” Tiffany crossed her arms and looked back at the long list of potential suspects. Things were becoming a little clearer, now that she was thinking aloud. “Someone here must have followed the producer and waited until Mary Dahl struck him. That, or they found him afterward and finished him off… But it sounds really stupid now that I say it.”

“Hey, anything’s possible!” John added cheerfully. “But I think you’re onto something, mon Capitaine – stalking to kill is classic.”

“Looks like there’s three people who used to work for Gotham TV here. Writer Lahn Myne, military-veteran turned cameraman Bonnie Behti, and special effects artist Garfield Lynns. Looks like there were some layoffs that year.”

“Mm-hmm… Hey, Tiffany.” (This was going to be a favor, wasn’t it? He hardly ever used her full name nowadays.) “What would you say to a little field trip?”

She wasn’t really sure where he was going with this. Knowing John, what he was planning was probably weirdly complex. “If you’re thinking we would have the time to visit all three,” she guessed, “you’re way off….for a lot of reasons.”

“Ha ha ha! No, no - what would be the point? It’s been five years! Any evidence is kaput, and I doubt we’d get a confession. No, I was thinking we’d try and get an eyewitness account.”

Yup. She knew it. Weird and complex. “You want to…what, visit the circus murderers in BlackGate? John, that’s…” 

Crazy, she wanted to say. Completely asinine. But she stopped herself, remembering John didn’t like that particular word, and truthfully… It was crazy, but it might work. A witness who didn’t know they were one was more likely to be believed. 

“...not a bad idea. Actually.”

John’s smile stretched to show all of his teeth. “I knew you’d get it! And if it doesn’t work, we’ll at least know we tried.”

“You know we won’t be able to just walk in as ourselves, though, right?”

“A-doy. We’ll be lawyers! I’ve got enough experience with ‘em to know what to say. You have a suit, right? I mean, I figured, since you do work in a world-renowned corporation…”

“I kind of just throw a blazer on top of most of my outfits,” she said slowly, “I’m not really a fan of the whole pencil-skirt-and-heels thing.”

John practically sprang up, phone in hand. “Nooo problem, I know just the gal to call…” He took a few steps away and held his free hand out, the monitor light glinting off the emerald setting in his engagement ring. “Sheesh, I better not get her voicema- Heya, Pumpkin! I’ve got a bit of a Bat-favor to ask…”

∞

It wasn’t so much the ride to The Redfur Theatre - Tiffany did enjoy weaving through traffic like it was nothing - but John’s reasoning for going in the first place. Apparently just meeting their one-woman costume department at her place wasn’t enough. Even though Tiffany could’ve sworn she’d heard the question ‘do you want me to meet you?’ on the other end of that call.

Nooo, John wanted options. And she wasn’t sure if she was annoyed about it because he had something of a point for the second time in a row (she certainly didn’t want to risk being recognized by anyone in BlackGate), or because this was just another diversion she had to deal with today. She was already a week behind schedule on the latest build project her engineering team had handed to them, and she got a notice about another pointless team meeting that she had to attend today. 

Tiffany parked the motorcycle in the back alley, waiting to shut off the engine until John had hopped off with his usual flamboyance, and had only turned the ignition key when the backstage door opened. 

“Jackieee!” John spread his arms wide not a moment before Jackie Lant practically slammed into him with a hug. “How’s my little slice of pumpkin pie? Look at you, going back to your roots!”

Jackie snorted into a short laugh at what Tiffany presumed was the bad joke about her hair color having returned to her natural fiery orange. “Don’t act surprised, J-man, you’ve seen my Snaps.”

“Like I’d ever miss out on a good pun,” John grinned. “Besides, you were a brunette when Robin saw you last!”

Jackie peeked around John to look at Tiffany, and her lightly-freckled face lit up with instant recognition. “Ah! Batman’s assistant!” she exclaimed with a smile, “I thought it was you in that suit… Back in the church, I mean.”

It kind of hit Tiffany that they never really met before. She saw her for the first time in the crypt-cum-abandoned-Owl-bunker as an antagonist who changed sides, and then briefly in the Court of Owl’s church basement as a well-armed ally. Everything she knew about Jackie Lant was learned vicariously through investigation notes and John.

And she had no idea what to say. It was kind of nice to see someone closer to her age in-the-know, but they were technically ‘working’. “Yeah, uh… You look good?” she settled on, hoping it didn’t sound weird.

“Thanks, things have been better since my student debt got mysteriously erased last Christmas. Kinda wish I’d known sooner than after the whole Owl fiasco, but…” she trailed into a shrug, still half-smiling. “I’m not complaining. Come on in, I’d like to get you two all dressed before everyone else decides to show up. I’m supposed to be finishing some of the background set pieces.”

“I thought you were an actress,” Tiffany pondered aloud, tailing alongside John.

“I am,” Jackie smirked over her shoulder, walking straighter. “You’re looking at this production’s Red Queen.” She showily fluffed a side of her curly orange French-style bob. “Mr. Tetch just loved my natural hair; like I knew he would. I just double as a set designer. And the occasional sound technician.”

“Small production,” Tiffany half-scoffed, hearing the exterior door squeal shut behind her.

“It’s a small theater. But it’s a good part and a director that gets you noticed. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t be renting a couch here. Well, except to see Matt cry in court.”

She assumed Jackie meant Matt ‘Clayface’ Chaney, aka her ex. Tiffany had seen part of the court proceedings for his murder charges as part of the Court of Owls back in July. He had, in fact, cried during his sentencing and proclaimed himself innocent despite everything to the contrary.

John grinned beside her. “Didn’t he also cry when you broke up with him after he was arrested?”

Jackie gave a dark sort of laugh. “Yeah, that was a good one… The press talked about that for days. He was totally messed up.”

“A thirty year life sentence will do that to you,” John said brightly, “And a couple of new scars,” he muttered with a wink over at Tiffany.

She wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Even though she could label him a friend, she knew very well what it was like to get a scar from John. And from what she remembered, Matt had gotten two. 

Even if he did kind of deserve it.

Jackie made a beeline for the long plastic costume rack in what was apparently her (and two other people’s) dressing room. It was a lot better looking than Tiffany had expected - the vanities were covered in makeup bottles and brushes and a professional looking case, but were otherwise clean, and old play posters and cast pictures were scattered around on the walls, the winking red fox face practically stamped in the corners. Only a few odd props were leaning against the walls and corners, all of which looked like they belonged to an Alice in Wonderland set. “We’ve got some stuff from a few indie shows still laying around… We should have something to fit that ‘lawyer’ vibe… Ah-ha!”

Tiffany had a dull yellow-brown tartan suit thrust in front of her. To say it was boring was a compliment. “Do you have…anything else?”

“Hang onto that and let me look.”

John, of course, was sifting through the adjacent rack like he was on speed. He already had two suits thrown over his arm.

“I think you can pull off khaki,” Jackie said, giving a suit a once-over and holding it up to Tiffany. 

John made a playful noise of disgust, which Tiffany partially ignored.

“I think these pants and that patterned jacket will work,” Jackie added, “Give you that ‘I’m the junior partner in this firm’ vibe. Like you want to be your own person, but you know you have to look professional.”

“Why am I the junior partner?” Tiffany asked, shooting John a look.

“Because I’m older than you?” John offered, an eyebrow raised to match hers, “And I know more about what we’re getting into.”

Jackie rolled her eyes a little at this. “Don’t act too smart, John. Most people can smell over-acting a mile away.”

John gave her back a little glare, but didn’t do any more than pout. “Be right back,” he grunted.

“Don’t jinx it,” Jackie called back, shaking out the tan slacks and returning the unused pieces to the rack in one sweep. “Old horror movie rule,” she said with a slight smile. “I’m superstitious when I'm in any theater.”

She wasn’t the biggest fan, but more than once she and Barbara had a late night double-feature with the so-called classics. She knew a few ‘rules’. “I always liked ‘don’t ask who’s there’, personally.”

“Hah, I was dumb enough to ask that in Arkham once. It’s how I lost my ponytail. And speaking of hair,” Jackie began to steer her by the shoulder to the vanity, “take a seat, and I’ll get a wig fit.”

Before she could object, Tiffany found herself sitting in the old metal folding chair with a wig held up by her face.

“No, too long…” Jackie muttered, picking up another from the plastic case, “Can I ask something?”

Do I really have a choice? “…sure.”

“Are you sure you’re ready to visit BlackGate?” she asked, holding up another wig. “I know you’ve helped put away your share of criminals, but I know John is used to that kind of atmosphere. He’s…one of them, if you know what I mean.”

She knew what she meant. ‘You can take the man out of Arkham, but you can’t take Arkham out of the man’, as Iman had once put it to her. And truthfully, no, she wasn’t ready, despite the fact that she was used to dealing with some of Gotham’s worst as Robin. But she imagined it hadn’t been easy for Bruce when he wound up in Arkham the first time. 

“Is anyone really ready for this?” she answered, “I’m not exactly doing it for fun.”

Jackie seemed to find that funny enough to give a little ‘hah’. “Well, you’ve got some brass, at least. What made you want to help Batman, anyway?” she asked, shaking out another wig, “I know I tried to kill someone and take their life’s work, but believe it or not, I really admire him. It’s why I didn’t put up a fight when he and ‘Joker’ found me last year. And I know why he helps him,” she added with a knowing little smile, “but I don’t know about you.”

Tiffany did not expect this today. She wasn’t sure how much she could tell her. Or if she should at all, with Jackie previously studying to be a psychologist. But she supposed that giving a simpler answer was better than none at all. “My…father worked for him. And when he died, I…wanted to find who killed him.”

Jackie draped the wig over Tiffany’s head, but she was paying close attention, her leaf-brown eyes brimming with empathy. Tiffany was reminded for a second of Bruce. His ability to multitask and scrutinize and understand. 

“After I did, I still felt…kind of empty,” she said as honestly as she could. “But after learning about my father’s connection to Batman, I wanted to… To keep going, in his place. He believed in all of this. Helping clean up the city and save people. Make a difference.” That sounded cheesy when she said it aloud. “And I get to glide around the city and punch people who deserve it.”

Jackie smiled at that, adding another bobby-pin to keep the short ponytail wig in place. “I hear that. I lost a lot of people to the city, myself… Car accidents, murders, drive-by shootings, disease caused by shitty housing. Close your eyes for me,” she instructed, holding up a brush primed with a dark brown cream. It felt weird going on; Tiffany felt she should be moving her hands instead. (When was the last time anyone else had done her makeup? Senior prom?)

“What amazed me,” Jackie continued, working quickly, “was how Batman managed to solve so many cases the cops would’ve let go unsolved. I’d like to think if he were around back then, my childhood friend’s killer would’ve been found a lot earlier.”

“I’m sorry,” Tiffany said genuinely, not knowing what else to say. She could hardly tell her she’d known about that.

“You have nothing to feel sorry for.” Jackie glanced at her with something like distaste as she picked up an eyebrow pencil. Tiffany wanted to kick herself; John’s notes in the case files had said she didn’t like to feel pitied. “Neither of us could’ve done anything. Like you, I just try to keep their memories alive the best I can. It’s one of the reasons I act; outside of getting to be anyone else for a while, I mean. I add pieces of them into every role I play. The way they talked, or moved, or pronounced certain words. Even the way they held things… But you definitely got the long end of the stick in how to keep ‘em going,” she joked, “Your dad must’ve been awesome.”

He hadn’t been perfect. He had missed more school events for work since Batman showed up, and there were times Tiffany had wanted to call Bruce herself to tell him to stop keeping him so late. And she’d learned too late that he was an expert secret-keeper as well as more selfless than she’d thought. But…

“He was,” Tiffany answered, thinking of the hologram message he’d left for her. He knew she’d want to know the truth behind everything, and that she’d want to continue Batman’s work. He knew that she would understand. “I’m guessing yours…wasn’t so much?”

“You got it in one.” Jackie began swiping a concealer stick over Tiffany’s face in clearly well-practiced strokes. “My parents tried to stamp out my inner theater-geek by pushing me to get a degree in ‘something useful’,” she snorted. “But I went along with it because I thought I could help kids who had been through what I had. I took fewer classes a semester so the loans wouldn’t be so outrageous, but my Dad skirted back on his promise to help pay for some of them after my third year anyway - because it was ‘my’ responsibility now, or some shit.” A highlighter stick swept down her cheeks. “And I powered through it so I could graduate and get a ‘good’ job. Which led to that Arkham internship I’m sure John’s told you about.”

Tiffany seemed to both know too much and too little about how that whole mess ended. But not exactly from John. Bruce’s notes on the whole affair from last October were rather thorough. “He, uh, keeps Arkham life pretty private.”

Jackie’s thick, light eyebrows rose as she primed a pink blending sponge. “Really? He’s a weird guy… Did he tell you about how he got engaged to Bruce Wayne?” she smiled, “He told me the whole thing in excruciating detail.”

“Are you kidding? He didn’t shut up about it for a week, and I keep catching him looking at his ring.”

“Yeah, that sounds right.” The blending sponge felt odd, but Jackie worked quickly. “He must not want to scare you with the grittier details of what went on in the ol’ asylum. Which I think is dumb, because from what he’s told me, you can really kick some ass. You don’t seem to scare easy.”

The knowledge that John talked about her - and positively, apparently - felt weird. Unexpectedly nice, yet kind of concerning. “I’d like to think so,” she said, not wanting to talk about the rat incident in the Batcave.

“Then you’ll do just fine.” Setting powder brushed over Tiffany’s cheeks. “Just remember, you’re not Robin in this get-up. You’re a young, upcoming lawyer who wants to prove herself; serious, but empathetic. It’s important,” she stressed, dotting her nose, “to try not to put too much of yourself in the role. Sometimes, you can find yourself lost in it. I’m a prime example.”

Before she could ask her to elaborate, Tiffany heard the click of John’s shoes before he entered the room. “Okay, lesson learned today,” he grumbled, face not quite covered in the peach-tone he used before, “I still need a little mirror to finish doing this or my brain nopes out.”

“I can finish you up,” Jackie waved, smoothing a fruity-smelling gloss over Tiffany’s lips. I could’ve done this part, Tiffany thought as she sat stock-still. “You just need mascara and you’ll be set.”

John was very pointedly not looking in the oversized mirrors, choosing to face the doorway. Then, like he suddenly remembered she was there, he cast a sheepish sort of look over at them. “Uh, I didn’t interrupt anything, did I?”

“Nah,” Jackie smiled, recapping the mascara and moving so Tiffany could finally go get change, “Just girl stuff.” Tiffany picked up the outfit she had been selected to wear and went out the way John came, not feeling like ‘Robin’ at all. Had she lost herself in her suit? Or, like Batman, had Robin been there all the time, visible only when she said or did things a certain way?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author Notes: One of the reasons I avoided doing this story for so long was because I wanted Tiffany and John to be able to work together without it feeling too awkward. In our Season 3 replacement story (AtBoM), John considers her a rival for Bruce's attention as well as bears a grudge for Bruce letting her go (and letting her work with him!) but force him back into Arkham, while Tiffany considers him too dangerous and "crazy" be trusted. Even though they eventually reached an understanding, in Season 4 (TToJ) Tiffany is still uneasy about him and John still makes a point to rub any attention he gets from Bruce in her face, which causes a huge rift in their budding friendship until they repair it at the end. Looking back at what my ideal-but-real-Season-3 would actually be (which would be a combo of all three of these stories), I could picture Tiffany and John's awkward attempts at getting along being charming on their own, and any scene of them saving the other from some harm a bit more impactful, but it would feel too rushed to get them to any trust-fall point. Not to mention Tiffany's own current arc concerning [redacted]. And in this final story, when shit hits the fan, I feel they should be able to trust each other more than they could've originally been written to in that alternate universe where Batman the TellTale Series: Season 3 actually exists to play. (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

But enough about that! It's time for fun facts! In-between Seasons 3 and 4, I was thinking how nice it would be to have a short story with John and Bruce visiting the circus, wherein John gets along real well with the so-called "freaks" and they sort-of team up when some crime happens or something. I was reeeal fuzzy on the plot. All I knew was "oh man, it'd be great to see TellTale's version of Killer Croc…he could be part of a circus! Ooh, and we could add Babydoll, she never gets used - a TT-spin on her would be nice". It never went anywhere, of course, but while working on The Whole Nine Yards I decided to go ahead and work them into the plot for Season 5 because I love them. And because…ah, well, to avoid spoilers, let's just say it's because of reasons. (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)

I also stuck a couple of easter eggs in this chapter! For one, did you know that same two executive producers are alllways listed on every Batman film since Burton's? Benjamin Melnicker and Michael Uslan! Michael is apparently a huge bat-fan himself, but I didn't learn about any of this until I was searching for a funny homage to other Bat-media to make in a throwaway name. The second egg is "The Redfur Theatre" - the name is taken from the real Fox Theatre and Redford Theatre in Detroit. As the logo is a fox, this is a bit of a stretched joke regarding Tiffany's surname.

Finally, my darling readers, real talk time:  this is the last time you get a weekly update. Please expect at least 2 weeks for the next one. But next time, we rejoin Bruce…and see some more of Joker's game.

[spnhunter4life]

So Long

Summary: Jenna and Dean have known each other since she was 9 and he was 11. Their fathers often hunted together, so they grew up in next door motel rooms, keeping each other company and watching out for Sammy. They were inseparable until their dads inevitably fought and stopped working together. Shortly after Sam left for college, her father had been killed on a hunt and his dad had been more and more distant, so they started hunting together. In a world where everyone has a tattoo of their soulmate’s name that appears somewhere on them on their 16th birthday, it took them a ridiculous amount of time to figure things out.

Word Count: 4.6k

A/N: I’ve always really loved the soulmate cliché, so I decided to write one of my own. As I was figuring out the basics of what I wanted to do, Niall Horan’s song So Long came on my playlist. It’s a beautiful song and I realized how well it fit the story I was trying to come up with, so this is based off of it.

A/N 2: So I just jumped back on the Supernatural bandwagon. While I was never truly off the wagon per se, it was more of a background appreciation for it while I was interested in other things. But I finally convinced myself to finish season 15 and now I'm all in again.

I remembered this fic I started like four years ago. I never posted it because it wasn't finished. It's still not, but I went back and reread what I have so far, and I'm actually super happy with it. So, that being said, I'm going to admit that I'm a super inconsistent writer. I might be super motivated to write for a few days (which I definitely am right now) and then not write again for a year. That's half the reason I never posted it. The other half is because, while I don't actually write things down often, I make stories in my head constantly and I've realized that I often go back and change details to fit the new direction I've decided to go in. And so I didn't want to post this until I was all done in case I wanted to make changes. But I decided I can edit and let people know things changed if it comes to that. I'm hoping if I can get some people to see this and get a little feedback, it will keep me motivated to write. All feedback is appreciated! Tell me what you liked. Tell me what could improve. Let me know if you find any grammar errors or inconsistencies. As long as it’s said nicely, I’m glad for absolutely any comments you might have.

My plan is to update weekly to give myself time to get the next chapters done. The second chapter is currently done/super close to done. Not sure if I want to add more to it or move it to another chapter. I’ve got a decent start on chapter 3 also. With the outline I have currently, this story is set to be 8 chapters. That could easily change though. 

Also, shoutout to @jerkbitchidjitassbutt​. You probably don’t even remember, but you read this chapter over for me way back when I first wrote it, so thanks for the support you gave me then!

Sorry for the super long note, and thanks for reading this far if you did!

Series Masterlist

Looking back through changes Where we started from Don’t know about you but I Knew it wasn’t wrong

Ages 16 and 17 June 25, 1996

I woke up, not exactly expecting to feel different, but maybe hoping. Today I would find out who my soulmate was. At least, I’d get a first name. Even though I knew it was stupid to get my hopes up, I couldn’t help but secretly want it to be Dean’s name. I was also nervous. Did I really want to know? If it wasn’t Dean, how would I deal with the disappointment? But if it was Dean, how could I possibly approach a subject like that? And even then, it wouldn’t mean it was Dean Winchester I was meant to be with. There were other Deans in the world. And wouldn’t he have said something by now if my name was tattooed on him somewhere?

Taking a deep breath, I looked over all of the skin currently exposed by my pajamas. Nothing on my arms or legs from the knees down.  I looked at the clock and saw that it was already 9:30. I couldn’t believe I’d slept that long, that my dad had let me!

I jumped out of bed, grabbing my towel and clothes for the day, heading straight for the shower. I’d made one friend in this small Louisiana town, a very outgoing girl I’d bumped into while getting groceries with Sam and Dean. She’d been excited to meet someone new, saying all of her friends were on vacation for the summer, and she and I were supposed to meet up soon to spend the day together.

I started the shower to let the temperature adjust and then started the process of removing my clothes, checking each inch of revealed skin for a name. Nothing yet, then. Supposedly, the name showed up around the time of day you were born. I had no idea what time that was, so I would let Alyssa distract me for the day and check again tonight.

When I came out of the bathroom wearing shorts and a t-shirt with my hair in a ponytail to combat some of the summer heat, my dad was just closing the door, chocolate chip muffins, my favorite breakfast food, in his hand.

“Happy birthday,” he smiled. “How does it feel to be sixteen?” He asked this question every year, but this was the big year, and it held a little more weight behind it. “It feels… pretty much the same as every other year I guess.” I told him honestly. Other than my nerves being slightly on edge with the upcoming soulmate reveal, it felt like any other day. “What are you still doing here? I thought you and John would’ve left by now.”

“That was the original plan, but I couldn’t leave without seeing my daughter on her birthday. I wanted to have the chance to eat breakfast together. The case can wait a couple hours.” He told me, sitting down at the table.

“Where are those two shadows of yours?” He teased as I took a seat across from him and grabbed a muffin. I knew he wouldn’t ask about my tattoo. He didn’t like people prying into his life and he didn’t pry into mine. He knew I’d tell him if I wanted to.

“I have no idea,” I replied as I peeled the wrapper off my muffin. “I haven’t seen either of them, but I just got up. Thanks for letting me sleep in by the way.”

“I figured one day can’t hurt. But don’t think you can go slacking off. It’s back to morning runs and training after this.” He said before taking a bite of his own muffin. “I still don’t understand why those boys aren’t here. You three make such a big deal out of each other’s birthdays, I half expected them to break down the door.” He mused.

“Maybe they forgot. And we don’t make ‘such a big deal.’ One present and a movie night isn’t too much to ask. Besides, it’s mostly Sam. Dean always made a big deal about his birthdays growing up and so Sam learned to do the same for us.” I told him.

“Yeah but a bunch of kids scrounging up enough money to get those presents for each other is a big deal.” He said with a fond smile. Taking the last bite of his muffin, he stood and grabbed something off of the counter. “Speaking of presents,” he said as he handed it to me.

“Dad, you didn’t have to.” I told him as I grabbed it. 

“I know I didn’t, but it’s not every day your baby girl turns sixteen. It’s not much, but I thought you would enjoy it.” He replied a little awkwardly.

I grinned and wrapped my arms around him, Backstreet Boys CD clutched in my hand. I had found them on accident really. It was all Alyssa’s fault. I generally enjoyed the same music as Dean, but she had showed me one of their songs and I couldn’t get it out of my head. Dad had heard me humming it one day which led to an embarrassing confession.

“Don’t tell Dean.” I pleaded, knowing the endless teasing and likely judgment I would be on the receiving end of if he found out. “Oh, I wouldn’t dare.” Dad laughed, pulling away from the hug.

“I should probably go find him though,” I said, glancing at the clock. “I’m supposed to meet Alyssa soon and he said he’d drive me.”

“Have fun!” I heard him shout as I left our motel room. I saw the Impala parked by the room next door, so I knew he was here at least. Since Dean has legally been able to drive, John gave it to Dean and the two of them take either my dad’s truck or the one John had purchased after gifting Dean the Impala. As I raised my hand to knock, the door flew open.

“Oh!” John said, startled. “I was just going to tell your dad we need to get going. I’m glad you’re up.” Then he was in the motel room I’d just abandoned, not waiting for my response.

“Hi to you to.” I mumbled under my breath. I walked through the door John had left open to see Dean sprawled out on the couch. He turned to me when I closed the door and grinned.

“Hey, there’s the birthday girl!” He exclaimed, prompting Sam to run out of the bathroom, dressed and looking fresh from the shower, toothbrush in his mouth.

“Jenna! You’re here! I wanted to go to your room a while ago, but Dean told me to let you sleep. Were you sleeping?” Before I could answer him, he rushed on. “He told me you’re going to spend the day with your friend, but we’re still going to have our movie night, right? We have to have our movie night. It’s our tradition!”

“Breathe, Sam.” I chuckled. “Of course we’re having movie night. It wouldn’t be a birthday without it. Now how about you go finish brushing your teeth before you start drooling on the floor.” Content with my answer, he hurried back to the bathroom, hand cupped under his chin where toothpaste bubbles were trying to drip down.

“So,” Dean drawled, getting up off the couch. “The big 16. How’s it feel?” He walked over to stand next to me and, not for the first time, I was struck with how effortlessly gorgeous he was. His hair was tousled and still slightly damp from the shower he must have taken this morning. He wore his usual jeans, t-shirt, flannel, and boots, the amulet Sam had given him hanging around his neck, but somehow, he was the most attractive guy I had ever seen. I knew it wasn’t a biased opinion, every girl in every school always drooled after him.

“I assume it feels the same as you felt a year ago.” I replied once my brain started functioning again. “You still good to take me to meet Alyssa?” I asked.

“Sweetheart, have I ever bailed on you?” He asked, mock offended.

“Well…” I trailed off, remembering the handful of times Sam and I had been left to fend for ourselves while he was off with a girl. When I saw him looking at me expectantly, I sighed. “Not when it really counted, no.” I relented.

“Did you ask her yet?” Sam questioned, reappearing from the bathroom and heading for Dean. Dean sighed and looked at me. “Is it ok with you if Sam comes with to drop you off? I don’t know why he’s even asking. I know you don’t care, but he wouldn’t leave me alone about it this morning.”

“That’s not true!” Sam denied. “He told me I could come if you said yes, and I know you usually don’t care, but since you’re 16 today I thought you might want to talk.” He stated matter-of-factly.

“Talk about what?” I asked, brow wrinkled in confusion. There’s not much Dean and I didn’t talk about in front of the kid. I don’t know why he thought there was suddenly a need for privacy or what being 16 had to do with it. “About-” he started, but then cut himself off, looking anxious. “I don’t know.” He continued, head down and shuffling his feet. “Just… being 16?”

I looked to Dean, hoping for some kind of explanation, but he just shrugged his shoulders, although he seemed a little annoyed, like he knew more than he was letting on. I wasn’t in the mood to press the issue though.

“Ok…. Well I don’t have any super-secret conversations that need to be had with your brother, so if you want to come along, that’s fine.” I assured Sam. 

“Good! When are we leaving?” He asked excitedly.

“If Dean’s ready, then right now would be good.” I replied, looking to Dean. He answered by shrugging on his leather jacket, plucking the keys off the table and holding the door open for me.

With everyone piled in the car, Dean started toward the mall where I was supposed to meet Alyssa. It was a typical car ride, Sam chattering away in the back, and Dean humming along to Led Zeppelin. I told Dean where to park. Alyssa wasn’t there yet, but I was content to sit and wait with the boys.

“I thought we might have to wait until tonight to give this to you, but I’m glad we don’t have to.” Sam said excitedly, pulling a box out of his jacket pocket. “It was my idea to get this kind of present for you, but Dean helped me pick it out.” He looked to his brother with a proud smile before handing the box to me.

I was a little nervous to open it. Sam was so excited, I didn’t want to disappoint him if I didn’t like it. Although he’d never say anything, I could tell Dean was a little nervous too by the way he tensed his shoulders and bit his lip. I carefully opened the box and gasped.

Inside was a bracelet made from ribbons of silk. It was twisted around so that it looked like four different strands. The top and bottom of each ribbon was an olive green while the middle was mulberry. One of the ribbons wrapped through a gold button that was used to adjust the size. I couldn’t believe something so beautiful was for me.

“I love it!” I told them as I took it out of the box to place on my left wrist. I noticed Dean’s quiet, relieved exhale and turned to hug him. “Thank you.” I whispered. He wrapped his arms around me before mumbling a quiet “You’re welcome,” into my hair.

“And thank you too!” I said, pulling away from Dean to face a fidgety, giddy looking Sam in the back. He flung his upper body over the seat to get a hug of his own. “You’re gonna have a pretty hard time topping this one.” I informed him as I sat back. Sam just grinned.

“My friend at the last school had a bracelet that she wore all the time and I asked her if that was a good idea for a 16th birthday present for you,” he explained. “She said if you like jewelry it was a good idea, and I know you like Dean's amulet, so I told him about my idea and he said we’d keep an eye out for anything you might like. There was a lot of stuff I thought you would like, but Dean kept saying they weren’t right.” I glanced at Dean and saw a slight blush gracing his freckled cheeks.

“He liked that one as soon as he saw it. I didn’t know why you’d like it any better than any of the ones I pointed out, but I know you guys know each other really well so I just told him to make sure you knew getting a bracelet was my idea.” He finished, slightly out of breath.

Before I could say anything to assure Sam I appreciated his efforts and relieve Dean of his embarrassment, there was a knock on my window. Startled, I jumped a little before facing the window where Alyssa stood waiting. Turning to look at the boys, I thanked them again for the amazing present and then opened the door to get out of the car and say hi to her. As I was closing the door, I heard Dean say my name.

“Just a second.” I said to Alyssa before opening the door again and sticking my head in. “What’s up?” I asked.

“I was just wondering when and where I should be picking you up.” He replied. “Oh, right. I didn’t even think about that.” I said, turning to Alyssa to figure out the details. “Cleary.” He teased. I looked back at him, sarcastic comment at the ready, but I saw the twinkle in his eye and knew he was just joking. I shushed him and closed the door, turning to once again face Alyssa.

“I can drive you back, it’s no problem.” She assured me. 

“Are you sure? Dean doesn’t have anything else he needs to be doing, and I know he likes to do it anyway. He’s a bit protective like that. The first time he dropped Sam off at a friend’s I thought he was going to sit outside the house the whole time.” I told her, smiling at the memory.

“It’s really no problem. I don’t have any definite plans for the day so I wouldn’t know what to tell him anyway.” She said. 

“Ok…” I trailed off, giving her one last chance to change her mind. She gave me a look, clearly stating that she wouldn’t so I passed the information on to Dean.

“You don’t even have a guess about when you’ll be done?” He asked. I knew he liked to have a timeline so if someone wasn’t back when they were expected he would know something was wrong. If he didn’t have any schedule to follow, he’d spend the whole time worrying, unsure if something had happened or we just weren’t done yet. 

“Well I have to be back in time for movie night,” I reminded him with a wink in Sam’s direction, “so I won’t be gone any later than… say 8:30? That should give us time to watch a couple of movies before Sam passes out.”

“Yeah, ok.” Dean relented, slightly less on edge now that he had a set time. “Have fun.” He smiled. I closed the door and watched them drive off.

“Are you ready to do some shopping?” Alyssa asked with a grin.

~~~~~

“You have to have a swimsuit!” Alyssa insisted as we walked by racks of them at Kohl’s. “Not if you never go swimming, you don’t.” I countered.

“But what if you do go swimming? What are you going to wear then?” She argued. “I don’t know. I’m sure if the opportunity came up, I’d just go buy one.” I told her. “Then why not buy one now?” She asked.

“Because,” I sighed. “We move around a lot. We’re not exactly hitting up five-star hotels with pools or renting homes that have one. I think the last time I went swimming was when I was 12 and the house we were renting had a pond.”

“Ok, well I have a pool, it’s the middle of summer in Louisiana, and I might invite you over to swim sometime. Besides, I’m buying so you can’t really argue that much.” She said, flipping her strawberry blonde hair as she turned and pulled me towards the swimwear.

“That’s a nice bracelet,” she commented, looking at my wrist where I was half-heartedly searching through a rack of one-piece swimsuits. “Yeah,” I smiled. “Sam and Dean gave it to me for my birthday.”

“It’s pretty. I didn’t think boys were any good at finding decent jewelry.” She remarked as she moved on to the next rack. She didn’t like the one-pieces anyway and had only been humoring me, ironic since I was only humoring her about the swimsuits in general. 

“I swear Dean has some sort of sixth sense for what people will like. Well,” I corrected, “not people. But me and Sam.”

“This one! You have to try this one!” Alyssa said excitedly, breaking me out of my thoughts. I looked to where she was holding a white and blue two-piece. “I know you didn’t want a two-piece, but this isn’t a bikini. It doesn’t show much more than a one-piece would.” Seeing my hesitation, she continued. “Just try it on. If you hate it, we’ll put it back.”

“Yes!” She cheered, seeing my resignation. She handed the suit to me and led the way to the changing rooms.

It was definitely a nice-looking suit, I’d give her that much. The top piece was thick enough all the way through that there was no danger of anything showing. It had a clasp in the back and three strings to tie around my neck, two white and one robin’s egg blue. The bottom piece started like a normal bikini bottom, but thicker. Above the hips it cut in to cover only the front of my torso, leaving my back and sides exposed, and went up to the bottom of my ribs. There were three strings encircling my back, keeping the material up. It was decorated with flowers in shades of blue, and as much as I liked it – although I’d never admit it to Alyssa – I didn’t think I would be comfortable wearing it in public.

“Are you ready yet?” I heard her ask through the door. 

“Kind of. I have it on, but I don’t know if I want to come out.” I admitted. 

“Come on, you can’t look that bad.” She encouraged.

“It’s not that.” I told her. “I’m just not comfortable showing this much skin. I live in jeans, you know. The only reason I’m wearing shorts is because I might actually die from this heat.”

“Just come out. No one’s going to see you. I promise there’s no one else around.” She encouraged.

I sighed before opening the door and peering my head around. I was met with an unimpressed look. “Alright, I’m coming.” I relented. I stepped out of the changing stall and was greeted with a wolf whistle from Alyssa. “Cut it out!” I blushed.

“Why? You look great!” she exclaimed. “As much as I like that bracelet, it really doesn’t match the-” she cut off. 

“What?” I asked nervously? 

“Umm… did you find your tattoo yet?”

I was a little shocked. It was an awfully personal question to be asking someone you’d only known for a couple of weeks. “No. Why?” I asked a little defensively. She nodded toward my left side where my hand was hanging by my hip. I impulsively lifted it to my face, scanning for the name. 

“Not your hand,” she said.

I slowly looked down to my left side just above my hip where, just as she said, I could see the top of thick black letters peeking over the swimsuit.

~~~~~

“Alright, right’s wrong?” Dean asked, pausing the movie. We were halfway through our second movie of the night, Mission Impossible, and while I was enjoying it, I couldn’t seem to sit still. I was sat between the two boys, Dean’s arm resting on the back of the couch behind my head, our usual seating situation on movie nights. Sam was slouched over, starting to drift off. He could never seem to stay awake for more than one movie.

“What? Nothing’s wrong. Why do you think something’s wrong?” I asked him.

“Well, you haven’t sat still for more than five minutes at a time and I can see the wheels spinning in your head. You know you can talk to me about anything right?” He sounded genuinely concerned. 

“I know.” I sighed.

“Nothing happened, right? You’ve seemed a little off since you got back.” He pushed, not for the information he knew I wasn’t ready to give, but for assurance that I was alright. 

“I’m fine,” I told him honestly. “It’s just… I found my tattoo while we were trying on clothes. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it, figure out how I feel.” I confessed.

“Oh.” Was his only response. I could tell he wanted to press for more information, but he stayed quiet.

~~~~~

“I can’t look at it. I don’t want to know what it says. What do I do?” I asked. My breath was coming faster and I was starting to panic.

“Hey. Hey! Jenna! Look at me. Deep breath.” Alyssa calmly instructed, demonstrating and breathing with me until my breathing was back to normal. “You’re going to have to see it sometime. It’s unavoidable. Right now, it doesn’t change anything. It just gives you a name. You can do whatever you want with that name once you have it. It doesn’t decide anything for you.”

I knew she was right and steeled myself to look at it, Alyssa waiting patiently. Carefully, I pushed the swimsuit strap down just enough to reveal the name underneath.

DEAN

 Ages 14 and 16 January 24, 1995

Dean’s POV

I stared at the ceiling, willing myself to find the energy to get out of bed. I heard Sam moving around, getting ready for school, but I couldn’t bring myself to do the same. I knew that by the end of the day I would have letters inked into my skin. Letters that spelled out my soulmate’s name. I had no illusions about my family’s lifestyle and what it would mean for my soulmate. It would be a bittersweet moment, finally learning her name, but knowing I could never allow myself to be with her, to put her in that kind of danger.

With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I rubbed my eyes before standing up and starting to get ready for the day. I had decided I wasn’t going to look for the tattoo. I would put it off for as long as I could and see it whenever I happened to stumble upon the patch of skin it showed up on.

~~~~~

It had been a pretty good morning. My anxiety had faded to the background when a smiling Jenna came into our room with bacon, eggs and toast for breakfast. It wasn’t elaborate by any means, but it was more than we usually had and the fact that she took the time to make it for us, for me, made it that much more special.

The two of them had given me the gift they picked out right away this morning when an excited Sam decided he couldn’t wait until after school. He halfway disappeared under the bed for a few seconds, wiggling his way back out with a box clutched in his hands. He proudly handed it to me and then watched in eager anticipation as I opened two new movies, Jumanji and Batman Forever.

“Now we have something to watch for movie night too!” He exclaimed. I thanked them both and then we headed to school, Jenna’s dad dropping us off.

Now I was sitting in the locker room, changing back into my regular clothes after gym class. I had opted out of a shower, not wanting to find my tattoo in this miserable place, surrounded by strangers I would have to guard my reaction around. I had my foot up on the bench I was sitting on, switching out my sweaty socks for a dry pair, lost in my thoughts when I heard someone to my left snicker and say, “Isn’t Jenna your sister?”

My head whipped around to look at Matt, the guy who had spoken. He was a sophomore like me, and while he wasn’t wildly popular, he sure thought he was something special. “What?” I snapped, confused about why he was asking about her. My protective instincts flared up. We had only been at this school for a week, but I was well aware how attractive Jenna was, and if this kid thought he was going to try something he had another thing coming. “Why?” I asked, failing to keep the suspicion out of my voice.

“Didn’t the two of you show up around the same time? And I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the two of you coming to school in the same car,” he mused. “So you must be her brother. That’s gotta be pretty awkward. Unless you know another Jenna?” 

“I don’t have to explain anything to you,” I snapped.

“Dude, don’t they have different last names?” Chimed in a freshman whose name I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure if I should be grateful for or irritated by his input. “So unless they have different dads or something… I don’t think they’re related.” Irritated, I decided. He hadn’t said anything offensive, and his analysis wasn’t wrong, but I found I didn’t like the way he was obviously looking for Matt’s approval.

“Really? How do you know that?” Matt asked. Without waiting for a reply, he continued.

“Well that’s a relief. It would be pretty weird if your sister was your soulmate.” He laughed. “Too bad though,” he continued, having gained the attention of most of the locker room. “She’s not half bad looking. I might ask her out anyway, see what she really thinks about her pathetic, loser soulmate.”

I clenched my jaw. Having lived in tight quarters for years, Jenna and Sam had learned to back off at this, that it meant I was seriously pissed off. Matt had the misfortune of not knowing me so well. “Leave her alone.” I warned. I had managed to keep my temper so far, but if he actually made a move on her, all bets were off. 

“Don’t worry,” Matt drawled on. “I’ll test her out for you. Let you know if she’s actually worth your ti-”

Before he even realized I was moving I had crossed the couple of steps to him, grabbed a fistful of his shirt, and shoved him back into the lockers. “I don’t know what you’re even talking about,” I seethed, “but you better stay away from her or I’ll make sure that my pathetic loser face is the last thing you see before I put you in the hospital.”

I turned away from him and, after taking a step, ducked, effectively dodging the punch I had seen him getting ready to throw. I spun back around and landed a solid punch to his face before grabbing my shoes and walking out the door. It wasn’t until I was sitting in the bleachers lacing up my boots that I saw it. Inked into the skin of my left ankle was her name.

JENNA

Chapter 2

[benkyoutobentou]

31 Days of Productivity Reading: Day fifteen

Before: Happy Ides of March! That reminds me, I've been meaning to sharpen my kitchen knives...

After: It took me a while to actually get around to reading today and I started off with doing JPDB for about an hour. Slowly getting through my back list of 1500 reviews yaay. But! I’m in the 1300s now, so we’re getting there slowly but surely.

I think I’m struggling a bit with 独り舞. My favorite kinds of books are the ones that are more subdued, have meandering plots, and often fall at least a little into the side of pretentious. However, in Japanese, these books are often really hard for me to get through because there’s not a fast plot pulling me through the difficulties and they often use more advanced vocabulary. 独り舞 is exactly this kind of book. I’m finding more and more that I’m dreading picking it up instead of looking forward to it, and I really only enjoy it if I let a lot of the unknown words just slip by, because otherwise I’m just looking up too much to enjoy myself. I want to say that a lot of this is just because the musical I’m playing in right now is taking up too much of my energy (the end is near, please let me out) but I think I might set this down for a while and either focus some more on plowing through some manga volumes or start 憎らしい彼. I don’t plan on permanently DNFing this, especially since I had such high expectations for it, I just think I’m not in the right headspace to read something so difficult right now.

Remember that update where I talked about how this book mentioned another book that I owned? Well, it just mentioned a movie that I’ve been meaning to watch (All About Lily Chou Chou) so I guess the real meaning of me picking this book up was to get me to read and watch what I’ve been meaning to. I’ll make a point to watch Lily Chou Chou soon.

Remember at the beginning of the month when I took those job related tests? Well, I got the results today. And I passed! I’m employed (kinda lying)!

A lot can change in a day. Today, I read 45 pages! I didn't get a chance to time each time I read, but I clocked an hour and forty minutes, and when I had checked my reading pace about an hour in, it was around four minutes per page. This is kind of what I expect for a straight-through reading pace, looking up as few words as possible (which was how I was reading today). At this point, I'm visibly past the halfway point and only have seventy pages left (that's about 2/3 through the book), so I doubt that I'll be putting this to the side. Instead, I'm just gonna plow through and try to finish it this week, hopefully within the next few days. Being able to see how close I am to the end always gives me a lot of motivation to finish, which is part of the reason why I love physical books so much. Anyways, this book is definitely one that I'm going to want to revisit in a few years when my vocabulary has expanded.

[vodkacranberrywitch]

Appreciate the burst or readings. For the Jenna & Percy reading which was depressing but seems spot:

- Wondering if Jenna only took interest in him because she was bored filming Wednesday, and kept him around because she needed a confidence boost. All the while Percy thought it was real.

- You mentioned she feels like he will betray her if she walks away from him. Is that because of her past trauma that you mentioned in her first reading, where she was betrayed by someone, or is it because he threatened her?

- Did you pick up if his intention was to “retaliate if she left him”

- Since neither care too much about the relationship why is Percy insisting on one?

- If they did get together did you pick up if she would actually care for him later down the line?

- if he is playing the field why would she just give in to a relationship with him? Her fans would(have) destroy(ed) him if he did try to betray her and I think she knows that, so why go this route?

Hey! Glad you enjoyed the reading.

First, when I did the original reading, I got that Jenna was genuinely interested in him. But the energy was very young crush like. Now that I'm thinking about it, it kind of reminds me of when you are in class and you start having a crush on the boy next to you. That's what they were both acting like. So she wasn't bored and talking to him initially.

I didn't pick up on this betrayal coming from her past feelings of betrayal. I picked up on it being more she isn't sure if he will retaliate if she blows him off. She doesn't know what he will do and that gives her anxiety. In a past reading, I got that her career was really important to her, so she might be scared he will impact her career in some way.

I want to clarify that I didn't get any energy from Percy that he was going to take revenge or anything currently. This is just a feeling Jenna has right now.

Percy wants a relationship with Jenna, but he has accepted it might not happen. He's insisting that she be honest with him and tell him what she wants. It's kind of like when someone feels strung along and they just want you to reject them so they can move on. Does that make sense?

I can only speak for her current energy and currently, Jenna has lost feelings for him. I got the ace of cups rx so that is really falling out of love with someone. I can do another update in a few months to see if her feelings on this change.

His personality is very conflict avoidant. Remember, they are not actually together right now. They are just talking/ flirting. Talking to other girls is his way of showing Jenna, "Hey I have other options so if you want me you need to tell me now". I feel like this is really common behavior among people who can be passive aggressive although extremely immature. I don't think he is thinking about the consequences from fans tbh. I mean, he has bigger things on his plate currently.

Let me know if you need any further clarification.

[mariacallous]

I spent some time on the subway trying to decompress from work and also trying to pinpoint what my specific frustrations are with work.

I actually left earlier then I normally do today because I just couldn’t be there anymore (and both the overall team director and my supervisor weren’t in the office at that point) which helped a bit, especially since we had finally, finally, finally finished getting all the feedback and making the edits and updates to this one project and sent the proposed final draft and got a response with two minor changes (which could and should have been asked for earlier but whatever) which I made and then resent.

Anyway, during those 45ish minutes on the subway, here’s what I realized/concluded:

-There have been so many shifts and changes and adjustments that have had to been made across the board with work that it’s hard to find or maintain and equilibrium. I have no problem being flexible, but I’m also not Elastigirl and it also takes time to adjust and shift mentally and emotionally.

-A lot of the projects I’m supposed to be sort of taking the lead or being point on either keep getting postponed or delayed or pushed back in addition to shifts and changes and whatnot, and other ones get placed on hold so there’s a sort of scrambling to figure out what I can and should focus on and what I need to pause working on. And having to stop what’s being worked on to immediately address some new feedback or requests from higher up add to that.

-Relatedly, a lot of projects are very dependent on other people reacting or responding or contributing and so there’s either constant checking in and asking for things or things getting cancelled and needing to be rescheduled. For example, one of the senior leadership we’ve been trying to meet with for like 3-4 weeks now and every time realizes there’s a conflict with the new proposed time and so it gets pushed off to the next week or so (when they finally respond, that is). This member of leadership is also in the division with some of the biggest capacity and staffing and process issues and the meeting is specifically about us working with them and their team(s) to try to address those exact problems which makes it even more frustrating.

-People keep waiting or delaying things in order to get things as perfect and the people gathered as full as possible, so that even if there’s a meeting where 6-7 of the 10 people total invited are available, with two particular people not being available throws it off to needing to reschedule. And that group of 10 was expanded (not by me but by people forwarding the meeting invite to others not intended or expected) so that the actual core group of people needed are all available.

-Some group projects I’ve been working on have not been prioritized or fully worked by other people compared to the work I’ve put in, and so things we’ve been trying to complete with them haven’t been able to happen (like submission by specific deadlines or having specific milestones met re: work progress) and I’ve also stepped up more and done more with these projects because of that so I’m even more resentful and irritated. Combined with the fact that there was little guidance or structure provided with many of them to begin with and how much they’ve morphed and grown, and it’s made me lose a lot of enthusiasm and engagement.

-Both my supervisor and the overall team director can work remotely but it’s hit or miss if they remember to let people know in advance (the overall director is really bad about that) and so meetings or presentations that were scheduled for in-person have to be either shifted to factor in remote capability or moved to another day and time. And the amount of checking in or updates or work that gets done decreases and responses are difficult to get, regardless of whether they’re emailed or sent via teams chat. Additionally, if I’m the only person on my team in the office, people come to me about shit that at least half the time I can’t answer or address or don’t know anything about.

-People overbook themselves or get pulled into meetings and requests, either intentionally or inadvertently, but it means that things take forever to happen and a huge amount of time is spent having to juggle and balance schedules and people are hesitant to meet or discuss things if such-and-such a person isn’t present, even if the purpose of the meeting is to just discuss and prepare for a future meeting or next steps where such-and-such can be included or is available. Literally every time I have to schedule something it’s a minimum of 10 minutes looking for available times and keeping a particular timeframe or deadline in mind.

Anyway, those are the frustrations and disappointments. My next steps are to figure out how to adapt and not get too irritated and to seek equilibrium.

[longroadstonowhere]

i was gonna make a little more of a shitpost about something in zelda, but hey i’m enjoying doing these little debriefs into the void, let’s talk about what i did today

i’m gonna say lategame totk spoilers below

so like, this morning i woke up and was like ‘okay, it’s final boss time, let’s do this thing’ because, like, i got the mission to go into hyrule castle! it’s time to track down the fake zelda and figure out what’s really going on there! and, well, i did figure that out, but uh, it wasn’t the final boss

so after getting over being flabbergasted at the rug being pulled out from under me (which, to be clear, i absolutely loved that i didn’t see this coming), i ran around doing some chasm exploration (hehehe), did some random side questy things like updating the purah pad (which, i like how they put the dlc stuff from botw into the regular part of this game - makes me wonder if there’s any dlc planned for totk down the line), and then finally remembered the ring ruins in kakariko existed so was able to continue the main quest

had some difficulties getting to the thunderhead isles (thought i would be cool and land in the pond on the first island, instead i smashed my head against a pillar), but adventuring through those was fun, and now i’m in the depths with mineru trying to put her body together - got the left leg to her on the first attempt, but the right leg took me like four or five tries to get over to her, so i started wondering if she really needs both legs that badly, hahaha (this was what the shitpost was gonna be about by the by)

that’s where i’ve stopped for the night, because redoing something several times only to fail at the end is frustrating, and since i need to sleep anyway that was a good point to stop

i’m glad the fake zelda didn’t end up being mineru, and that she’s got her own temple (either this factory or another whole dungeon beyond it), and that we get to hang out! because you know she’s my fave new npc based on nothing but pure imagination, can’t wait to see what she’s actually like to decide if she’s actually going to be my fave, hahaha

i also really loved the whole riddle getting the ancient thunder outfit put together, and exploring the whole dracozu lake area, because i know i wandered around there in botw, and it’s really cool how the environment can completely change when you have a slightly new context

so tomorrow i’ve got a dentist thing, which means i probably won’t start playing until the afternoon, but i’ve got high hopes for finishing the main story by friday, since, like... there can’t be that much more, right? like we’re approaching skyward sword levels of ‘oh i didn’t realize you could put this much in a zelda game’, which is extremely awesome! but at some point i gotta take down ganondorf, and maybe bring zelda back from being a dragon??? like.... some part of me still can’t believe they’ll leave her like that, i’m really hoping mineru can pull some spirit shenanigans

oh! also because i was curious, i looked up where the ancient shirt is (or archaic shirt or whatever it’s called), and it’s in a cave, so like obviously i wasn’t gonna find it because like hell i was doing anything on tutorial island that wasn’t the main quest stuff with how few hearts i had

oh, and also i like how they had another vitality check during the thunderhead isles stuff, but they had a shrine and a goddess statue right there, so you could easily warp back if you needed to run off and do some shrine hunting (but uh, it only needed ten hearts and i’m at seventeen now, so, you know, we good - although it’s hard for me to tell because the hearts aren’t going onto a second line, so i have to walk up to my tv and count carefully to figure out how many i have)

i find it interesting that, if you do all the main story stuff, they expect you to have at least ten hearts and two rings of stamina, it’s an interesting benchmark and i kinda wonder if there was any purpose to it or if it was just a random choice

i also wonder if there’ll be any more vitality checks along the way - i will probably be fine, but it’ll be interesting to find out

[halfgoosehalfmoose]

Too late for therapy

Since after the lockdown I have felt unbelievably low at times. That was right when I started high school, and I remember it got to the point I struggled with suicidal ideation. There were 3 different times where I picked up a pen and paper with the full intent of writing a suicide note but couldn't even think of what to write because I didn't quite understand these emotions myself. But I remember stop studying or not doing homework when I was feeling down not because I thought I needed a break, but because I kept thinking "why bother with this now when you may not even make it past 18". I was stressing and struggling for the sake of a future I might not even have. I did not plan or think about the future, which I am paying for now, because in my head my biggest concern was just not killing myself.

I never learned how to talk about my emotions seriously, I never told anything to anyone. I was going through the absolute hardest most soul-crushing exhausting period of my life but all by myself. It got a lot worse on my last years of highschool, because academic pressure increased and problems with my friends and myself showed up. It felt like powering through a bush of barbed wire that kept getting denser and denser, but not knowing why or if it would even end. Graduation felt so freeing. I realized how much school was weighing me down and I started to actually feel hopeful about university.

That is when I approached my father about therapy. I wanted to start from scratch in uni, put all that struggle behind and somehow become better. But I feel he didn't really take my request seriously. He kept stalling and I had to remind him of what I asked. I know we can afford it because we are well off financially and we have already spent a lot of money in personal requests. It felt frustrating because I needed so much time to gather courage to ask him, I wanted to since I started feeling suicidal and it was like it amounted to nothing.

Now I moved to Germany to try uni here and I am feeling so many things, but mos of them are rooted in how much I'm liking it. It has been more than 3 months and I don't miss my parents. I am not particularly sad over not having friends here, and I never remember to call family or friends with updates. I don't feel there was an adapting period where I felt I didn't belong. There is the matter of the language, as I am still learning German, but it is not affecting me much. I was scared at first because I always heard about how sad and depressing it is, how rude people are, but that was not my impression at all. For sure it is very different from home but not at all as I was expecting(still waiting for winter to fully judge though).

I feel like a bad friend and bad daughter. I left my parents alone. My sister already left too and neither is married or has a partner. I was sad for so long thinking my friends didn't value me but now I don't know how to talk to them.

On the other hand, I'm paying for not thinking about the future. I thought I could easily study biology with my diploma but i didnt take the subjects i had to take so now I need at least 1 year to study for germany's university entrance exam and it will probably make me miss the applicationi deadline meaning I will have to wait another year, making me 3 years late to start university and that is if I go well on the test. I feel like I am wasting so much money since the Euro value keeps rising and my parents are paying all my expenses and I cant even work even if i wanted to.

There are so many things bottled up for so long that I want to deal with and talk to a therapist about but they are in the past. I dont know if it would even do any good bringing them up or just letting them stay behind. I dont even know how to start looking for a therapist and I know it can be expensive and wait time can be long. I feel like I am failing in every way possible.