#me to myself about 10 minutes ago after catching a glimpse of my butt on the mirror

[ashtonsunshine]

If you can love a crater covered moon, you can love your cellulite covered ass.

[luniellar]

It’s You: 06 (Chris Evans & Sebastian Stan)

A/N: I was going to originally split this into two chapters, but ended up combining it to one longer chapter. We also get all 3 perspectives in this one. I hope you guys enjoy it! Hoping to finish up this series in 1 more chapter.

Summary: Chris, Sebastian, and Julie (Fictional Character) have been friends for a long time… even before Chris and Seb started their acting careers and landed a role in the Marvel Universe. Friendship opened a new path to love and it’s starting to look… complicated.

Pairing: Chris Evans X Julie (Fictional Character), Sebastian Stan X Julie (FC)

Genre: Romance | Drama

Audience: PG-13…? (Jk there are definitely some F-bombs and inappropriate language that might not be suitable for the young)

Navigation: Masterlist

- - - - - - - - - - { Sebastian’s POV }

- - - - - - - - - - { A day before coming to see Julie }

I successfully passed through the moderately full hotel lobby tilting the baseball cap lower to cover most of my face. Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait too long to sneak into an empty elevator. I hit the button for the penthouse suite. The elevator music hummed quietly in the background as I glanced at my phone again, hoping to see a call or a text.

Oh right, she didn’t have her phone on her.

I stuffed the phone in my back pocket and looked up at the numbers climbing up. When the numbers above changed to the letter P, the elevator dinged and the doors opened. I stepped out and used the key card on the door sensor. The small red light switched to green with a low clicking sound. I grabbed the cold gold handle and pushed the door open.

The suite was pristine. The kitchen was untouched and the living room space looked like it was ripped out of an IKEA catalog. If you told me that someone had been here, I wouldn’t have believed you. Maybe I needed to hire this hotel staff to clean my apartment. I walked past the fancy and gaudy furniture and navigated through the double doors to the master bedroom.

My eyes immediately found the shirtless figure slouched across the bed. Chris was lying with his back towards the ceiling. I would have recognized that back from anywhere. I couldn’t see if he was sleeping.

“Chris,” I said.

No movement. I moved closer. “Chris.”

This time I got some stirring on the bed. I kicked the bed with my feet and saw more movement. “Chris.”

“I don’t want it,” he muttered as he flipped over the bed.

I was losing my patience with him. “Chris,” I said as I pulled the pillow from underneath his head.

“What the-” He said as his eyes opened. He turned to look at me and groaned instinctively. “Seb, what are you doing here.”

“No, what are you doing here?”

“Trying to sleep.”

“Are you not going to fix this with Julie?”

I don’t know when was the last time I saw and heard no response from him. He was strangely expressionless as he stared at me blankly. Then, without a word, he got up from the bed and passed me to go to the bathroom. I followed behind him and as he was trying to close the door, I reached out my hand and stopped him.

“Move,” he said.

“No,” I replied.

“Seb, this has nothing to do with you.”

“It involves Julie.”

He let go of the door, angry. “I’ve seen the way you look at her, Seb. I know you love her. You don’t have to act like you conveniently avoided us for the past two years.”

Chris and I were like brothers. No, we were brothers. He always knew what I was thinking and I could predict what he was thinking. He was definitely better than me at it though. I think it had to do with his naturally caring nature. I was good at faking it for the most part. He was naturally good at connecting with anyone.

I ignored his previous comment. “I didn’t come here to argue with you.”

“What do you want?”

“Are you over Julie?” I asked.

He exhaled and dropped to the tile floor. He buried his face into his hands in frustration. “I don’t know, Seb, Is she done with me?”

“Chris, I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me that you are done here.”

After a long pause, Chris looked at me. “I can’t do that,” Chris muttered under his breath.

Even though I wanted to beat him up, I hated seeing him like this. He was always the one to stay optimistic. “Then, get up,” I answered.

He didn’t move, but he was falling apart.

“I told my manager about announcing my relationship with Julie,” he started. I prepared everything for this. I practiced for a month straight because I wanted to do it right. Then, I get a call hours before the event telling me that it violates my contract and I won’t have management if I continue. The news was already out and it was a last minute decision to ask Elizabeth to help me out. I just didn’t expect…”

“Julie to be there.” I finished his sentence.

“I fucked up,” I heard him whisper.

“You can make it right,” I said, leaning on the door frame.

“I can’t even get in contact with her.”

“She lost her phone and I got a flight back home. She’s back in Boston.” I confessed.

He didn’t even flinch or look surprised. “Good,” he answered.

I sat down on the floor across from him, leaning against the door. “She’s hurt, Chris. And all I can do is put a band-aid on it, but you can fix it.” I said in defeat. I knew I couldn’t do anything.

“How? I don’t know what to say.”

“You’ll figure it out, she’s the one who fell for your dumbass,” I said jokingly and saw heard his exhausted chuckle. It was a strange feeling trying to cheer up Chris. “Make her cry again and I’m taking her somewhere you can’t find.”

“I would do the same.”

There were depth and sincerity in the simple answer. I got up and patted his back. “I’m going to be in Boston. I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah.”

As I walked out of the hotel room into the elevator, I couldn’t describe this feeling. When I went in there, I was ready to tell him that I wasn’t planning to wait for him to get his shit together. Too bad, so sad. When I saw him, I couldn’t get myself to say anything I planned to say.  But, I knew that he loved her more than anything else in the world right now and I knew that everything was going to be okay. At the end of it all, I knew it was the right thing to do and I felt good about it.

- - - - - - - - - - { Julie’s POV }

Seb was deep asleep on the couch. I grabbed a blanket from the back and tossed it over him. It looked abnormally small against his tall, built body. I smiled to myself as I reached for my phone and took a quick picture for evidence.

Before I could put my phone away, it buzzed in my hands. Chris’ name flashed across the screen. I opened the message.

Can we meet tonight? Fenway Park at 9pm.

In Boston? Was he in Boston now?

I looked over at Seb. He was right, I couldn’t keep hiding forever.

Okay.

I replied. The red hue of the sun coming from the windows indicated that the sun was setting. It was going to be dark soon.

I got off the subway and made my way to the Fenway Park entrance. I checked the time and it was 8:50 pm. Just 10 more minutes left. I didn’t know if Chris wanted to meet at the entrance or inside the park. I looked at the rustic forest green doors behind me. I couldn’t imagine that the doors would be open for anyone to go inside, especially at this time of the night. Plus, there were no games going on tonight.

I pulled the jean denim jacket closer to me and pressed the navy blue Boston Red Sox cap on my head. I would be lying if I said that I got here like a boss bitch. I hesitated the whole time I was on the train and I even tried to wake up Seb before I left. But, he was deep asleep like he wasn’t able to rest in a while. I thought about sending a text that I was here, but I wasn’t sure what that made me look like so I decided against it. I planned to send a text at 9 pm on the dot.

Buzz.

I felt my butt pocket vibrate and I reached for my phone. It was from Chris.

Are you here?

I typed back.

Yes, the front entrance. Are you?

The phone buzzed back almost immediately.

Yes.

I started feeling anxious and started looking around. Other than a few passersby, I couldn’t find anyone with his silhouette. Since we were out in public, I knew that he would be wearing a baseball cap and I didn’t see any caps out from the people who passed by.

“Jules,” a familiar voice called from behind me.

I jumped up from the sudden sound as I glanced back towards the green doors. The familiar silhouette with a baseball cap was standing by the doors with one hand holding the door open.

“Chris,” I answered. I couldn’t see his face clearly under the fading street lights and his cap, but he sounded like he had a long day. With his hand still on the door, he walked across and opened the door wide. I stepped closer to him and walked through the doors. I didn’t realize the doors were kept open. Once he got inside, he reached over the door until there was a heavy clicking sound. How did he get in? Questions and anxiety swam around my mind until he turned back to face me.

“Thanks for coming,” he said. It was darker here compared to the street lights outside and I couldn’t catch a glimpse of his face. But, I did notice that he was also wearing his Boston cap.

I nodded as an answer. “How are you?” I asked.

“Been better,” he answered. “And you?”

“Me too,” I replied. I didn’t know if he was going to say anything else, so I continued. “When did you land in Boston?”

“Six hours ago.”

“I see,” I muttered. This small talk was painful to continue. “I didn’t know you could come in here.”

“You can’t,” he answered. “Do you mind if we walk?”

I followed him down the hallway lined with concession stands. Chris and I would come here whenever our schedules allowed to watch the games. It was a complete ghost town compared to game days, it was actually kind of scary. I tried to keep my mind away from the creepy vibe and keep my eyes fixed on Chris’ back. It was assuring to be with him, but equally terrifying to think about the confrontation that was about to happen soon. I thought of every possible scenario to help me prepare.

We continued down the hallways making turns here and there. I found myself walking closer on his tail until I eventually found myself walking next to him. Yes, I hate confrontations, but I watched way too many horror movies and zombie movies to be okay with this. When we reached these two huge double doors, Chris opened them and the bright lights made me squint. In front of us was the expansive baseball field. I stared around in awe as I was realizing that I was stepping on the same floor as the players stepped on for their games. As I looked around, I also stole a glimpse at Chris’ face and he looked like the Chris I knew but exhausted. I don’t know why I expected him to be a changed person, but he was the same old Chris. 

 - - - - - - - - - - { Chris’ POV }

Despite the fact that we were outside, Julie’s familiar sweet scent surrounded the space between us. I loved being around her for this reason. She carried a pure and honest aura around her that no one else had. Especially for the type of people, I’ve met in my industry. When trouble came her way, she was so tough on the outside, always smiling and making the people around her smile. Her familiar soft brown eyes met mine and I had to fight the urge to hold her. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for everything. I just didn’t know where or how to start.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

She looked at me with her blank face. Her dark eyebrows narrowed and her eyes looked distant.

“Nothing’s changed. I still love you,” I continued. I must have said something wrong because I could already see that her eyes were starting to well up. “That night, I had all the intentions of letting everyone know about us. But, I was afraid and made a decision I will have to live... regretting... every day.”

She watched me cautiously.

“Julie, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

Her eyes turned away from me as she looked down towards the ground. I wanted to hold her, but I just painfully watched as her tiny frame trembled. She raised her hands to wipe her tears and looked up at me. The area around her eyes was crimson red like they were exhausted from all the tears she cried every night.

“Do you know what I hated the most about this?” She whispered. “The fact that I blamed myself for showing up that day. Do you know what that’s like?” The tears trickled down her flushed cheeks as her voice struggled to stay above water.

“Each night I blamed myself over and over again for not turning around and taking a cab back when I saw that text. I convinced myself that it didn’t matter who you kissed or who everyone thought you were dating… because I’m stupidly and unreasonably in love with you.”

Her lips quivered as she wiped her tears away. She sobbed quietly trying to catch her breath. I clenched my hands into fists. It was all my fault. I cautiously touched her arm. She didn’t react, so I walked closer and gently held her tiny frame in my arms. Her face buried into my chest and she started to sob louder and uncontrollably. My shirt was soaked in her tears.

Sebastian was wrong. I really didn’t know what to do.

I placed my hand over the back of her head and brushed my fingers through her soft curls. We stood there like that until her loud cries turned into a soft sniffle. She pulled away from my chest and looked up at me. The area around her eyes and nose was pink against her pale, porcelain skin.

“Where do we go from here?” She asked.

I didn’t know what to say, but she looked like she had an answer already made up in her mind. “You tell me,” I whispered back.  

I knew that I was going to lose her. I knew that her answer was going to be walking away from us. I saw it through the hesitation in her eyes. But, how could I blame her?

She always had a tough front about life, but I knew she was hiding tears and sadness at a magnitude beyond what she was showing. I realized then and there that I’ve never loved someone like how I loved her. I was terrified of losing her, but as long as she could say this was her decision. If her decision made her happy, I was okay with leaving everything and never looking back. Her happiness was equivalent to mine.

Her gaze shifted down and bit her lips. I placed my hand on the side of her face and wiped away the tiny teardrops. She looked back up at me, her brown eyes twinkling from the bright stadium lights around us. To my surprise, she lifted her hand and placed it against my face. Her hand was warm against my skin. It was comforting.

“I love you so much,” she muttered. She forced a tired smile on her face. “And... as much as I want to hate you... I need you, Chris.”

With a sigh of relief, I pulled her in and held her tight in my arms. I closed my eyes shut as I tightened the grip around her, promising myself that I’ll never let go again. I kissed the top of her head.

“I promise you that I will fix every-”

She shook her head. “We’ll deal with that later. Right now, I just want to be with you.”

As she finished that sentence, my lips jumped on top of hers and everything was perfect in the world. She wasn’t just the love of my life, but she was my anchor. I wanted to go public and tell everyone about her because I loved her. I never loved anyone like this before. But today, as we kissed, I tasted her in a way I’ve never tasted her before. It wasn’t just childish fun and games, I’ve had those kisses before. Today I tasted her strength and heart, strong and beautiful. Today, I saw her as a future wife. I saw her as a mother to our future children.

TAGLIST FAM: @thinkxlovexloud | @biba3434

[lindoig4]

The Last Post for this time.

I have just posted lots of photos and a few videos through to the end of our adventure so this will probably be my last post to this blog.

On Friday the 13th (Black Friday), we took a streetcar to the ferry terminal and a ferry to Larkspur, a town across the Bay in Marin County.  I love larkspurs (but we didn’t see any there) and I am not sure what other attractions are around the town of Larkspur, but that is where San Quentin prison is - a big forbidding fortress of a place.  Pretty horrible really, not at all larkspur-ish, but so was Alcatraz in its day.  A good place to avoid, I think!!

It was not much more than filling in a day, but we had a slow lunch in a pub out there and returned to San Fran 2 or 3 ferries later.  When we got back to SF, we decided to take the Castro streetcar to the end of the line just for a look and then stay on it until it brought us back to our hotel.  We had (good) vague memories of Castro in 1995 and thought a visit might be nice.  Alas, our streetcar driver had completed her shift and was returning streetcar vehicle to the depot, so tipped everyone off a few stops early.  We decided to just catch the next streetcar back to downtown which she assures us would be along shortly. ‘Shortly’ turned out to be just over 55 minutes with us and a few others standing around the bus-stop in the blazing sun - not at all the sort of thing we expected.

Saturday, we had booked to go on a 9am whale-watching tour and we were up early and out at the Pier 39 meeting place almost an hour early.  We wandered around the precinct and watched the sea-lions and birds for a while until it was time for the tour. We saw a few harbour seals and glimpsed some small porpoises, but the anticipated dolphins eluded us.  And as soon as we reached the Golden Gate Bridge, the fog rolled in and we were enveloped in it for the rest of the tour. Visibility ranged from about 50 to 150 metres and although those on the bridge reckoned they sighted one (or maybe 3) whales, they quickly got lost in the fog so none of the tourists saw anything.  Having said that, I enjoyed it greatly, not for the whale-watching, but as a pelagic birding excursion and added nine more birds to our trip list.  I suspect I was the happiest person on board by a mile!

Back at Pier 39, we had fish and chips and a cold drink for lunch, then sat and watched the world go by for an hour or so before catching the trolley back.  We broke the journey halfway to visit the Friday market that sets up not far from the ferry terminal but it was generally disappointing - a lot of junk jewellery, some artwork and not a lot else.  There was some sort of parade or military drive-through that delayed traffic and the streetcars for quite a while.  Not quite sure what it was, but there were lots of military vehicles, historical and more modern, with lots of personnel waving to the crowd and a dozen police bikes having a great time hooning up and back in some sort of escort but whatever the occasion, it remained a mystery to us.

Needless to say, the parade delayed the streetcars so we had another wait of well over half an hour, thankfully in the shade, until we got our ride the rest of the way home.

We went out a bit later to get some food to-go and ate in the room again with a bottle of local fermented grape juice of the cab sav variety.

Then Sunday was our last day in San Francisco!   We fly out tonight and it will be a long uncomfortable trip so we decided to go easy on ourselves.

We caught a trolley bus (by far the best form of urban mass transport) out to the beach, just for the ride.  It took us out along McAllister, a long road with all those wonderfully quaint colourful Haight-Ashbury houses - just love them - and along the full length of the Golden Gate Park (North America’s largest urban park) to Ocean Beach.

We watched the crows and gulls for a while, then decided to walk up to Cliff House, a bit over a kilometre along the beach.  We visited it back in 1995 and didn’t remember a lot about it other than that they had a big Camera Obscura set up just below Cliff House itself - and I do have vague memories of doing that tour then.

Cliff House has featured in a number of movies, usually as a desolate hideaway miles from anywhere, usually with a gale blowing, thunder and lightning, a storm raging and the baddies on the brink of some dastardly deed that will pour treasure at their feet - until the hero turns up, rescues the maiden and captures the evildoers just before their wicked plan succeeds.  The truth is somewhat different with at least two upmarket bars and three restaurants.  We had a wonderful lunch in the bistro.  They even had a version of a Caesar so we both had one of them - each a meal in themselves and pretty healthy at that.  We shared half a dozen deep-fried dumplings (gyozas by another name) and the most delicious baked meatballs I have ever enjoyed.  The gyozas were also tastier and more substantial than those we have had before.  We sat over the meal for an hour or so then strolled back to the trolley bus and thence back to our hotel.  It was a really delightful day, warm and sunny, great for a visit to the beach, to enjoy a superb lunch and we loved every minute of it.  As they say, somebody has to do it.......

We sat in the foyer of the hotel for an hour, writing and identifying a couple more birds and suddenly, the shuttle was there and we were on our way to the airport.  We got through reasonably easily, although Heather lost a few utensils out of our picnic bag because we forgot to move it into our checked baggage before sending it on its way along the great conveyor belt that will hopefully deliver it to Melbourne tomorrow - whatever day that is (Monday here, Tuesday in Melbourne).

We stocked up on the makings for quite a number of homemade Caesars as we went through the Duty Free clip joint and sat in the lounge for an hour and a half until they called our flight. I intended doing a lot of stuff on my PC - but once again, the beast wouldn’t boot when I turned it on. Fortunately, I backed up most stuff a couple of days ago, but it would still be nice to wake it up and strip the hard drive before tying a brick to it and throwing it into the ocean.

One cute thing that happened as we sat there waiting for the very last episode of our Arctic Odyssey to conclude was that we both got emails starting the formal part of our next adventure to the Antarctic in February - what could be more appropriate?

The long flight home was predictably as dreadful as we imagined.  I just don’t know how people endure such flights on a regular basis – I am in awe of them!  But obviously, we made it through the very long night – we left SF (30 minutes late) in darkness and we arrived in Melbourne (an hour early) shortly before dawn. Our wonderful driver (Nick) who our more wonderful travel agent (Bev) provided as a freebie for us gathered up our bags and delivered us home in style, quick and comfortable after our overnight ordeal.  The rest of the day was a bit of a blur, starting the elongated unpacking process, wading through the mountain of mail Nath had collected for us, making a few urgent appointments and planning the schedule for attending to the 30-odd tasks that had accumulated on our to-do list while we were away.  After no sleep the night before, we were in bed before 10pm and asleep about 15 seconds later.

Some statistics…… Our trip took us to 6 countries (depending on how we count them) with 9 border crossings, including 13 US States (a quarter of all of them) and all Canadian Provinces except Prince Edward Island. In total, I calculate we travelled close about 80000km.

And perhaps more important (for me) was our bird count.  I identified 148 discrete species, but some were seen in more than one country – so my country stats were as follows:

     USA                     55      Canada                64      Norway                30      Iceland                30      Greenland           20      Denmark             10       (Total 209)

We had previously seen some of these before, either in Australia or our other trips, but of the 148 species we saw this trip, were 78 species we had never seen anywhere before.

So what were the highlights of the trip?  Very hard to say, but perhaps some narrative would help me to get a clearer picture in my own head.

It is hard to rank my experiences on this trip, but some of the highlights so far are as follows:

*     In the US, the Zephyr train, specifically the romance of the buttes, mesas and arroyos of the Cowboy Country, mainly in Colorado, took me right back into so many hundred Westerns and cowboy books I read when I was just a young buck trying to emulate John Wayne. Then it was the Canyons - truly majestic scenery in the Cascades and particularly the Rockies.

*     In Svalbard, the close wildlife encounters with Arctic Foxes, Reindeer and Walruses - and to a lesser extent, the Polar Bears.  My favourite birds have been the beautiful white Ivory Gulls and dainty Arctic Terns. I was also delighted with the miniature flora in the tundra.

*     Being in the Arctic Circle, right up to 83 degrees, only about 1000-odd clicks from the North Pole, was an experience I only ever dreamed about.  Seeing so many dozen glaciers, watching them calve icebergs, and navigating through the resultant ice fields was wonderful. Even more so, being in the pack ice, leaning over the bow and watching our mini-icebreaker crunching through a metre of ice was mind-boggling.  But actually standing on and walking on a glacier topped even that - simply thrilling!  (Not sure why that was such a big deal, but it was unforgettable for both of us!)

*     The Polar Plunge – insane but absolutely an experience of a lifetime.

*     Then the extreme challenge of climbing the moraine and finding a fossil for myself was an achievement of which I am quite proud.  The fossil is less than spectacular but getting there and back alive was no mean feat.

*     In magical Greenland, the splendour of the mountains, cruising up close and personal with the magnificence of the mighty icebergs, the dramatic scenery in stark contrast with Svalbard, the dearth of birds that barely outnumbered the musk ox, were all issues that made us think about so many things in a new way.

*     Iceland was simply gorgeous with the waterfall, the geyser and spectacular coastline.  I want to go back and explore a lot more widely.  Standing with one foot on each of two of the world’s great techtonic plates was another ex\perience of a lifetime.

*     Newfoundland was beautiful and Cape Spear a tick to mark the start of our cross-Canada journey.

*     Niagara – not something I would do again, but like Uluru, the Pyramids, the Eiffel Tower or the Grand Canyon, an iconic tourist destination that one has to endure if one is passing.

*     The birds and other uncommon (for us) wildlife and flora – especially the tiny Arctic trees and other plants.

I could probably replace several of these with other wonderful sights and experiences, but that is at least a sample of the things that will stay in my mind for the rest of my life.

I think that is it for this time but we are already well into the planning for our next trip – already booked and paid – so roll on February and the Antarctic!!!

[dangercocktail]

Gotta Catch Them All (Pounds That Is)

Preface: I post “Curses of the Day” on Grommr to exorcise the gainer related creative nonsense in my brain. One of the curses read as follows:

Pokémon Go Curse of the Day: Every Pokémon you capture in the next 24 hours adds 10 pounds to your frame. If you catch any Pikachu, it's 50.

This curse inspired a very talented writer, SnorlaxChaser, to craft his own story based on that premise and with his permission, I’ve posted it here. Enjoy!

I go out for a morning run, making sure to throw on my tightest tank top and a just shy of scandalous pair of running shorts. I peak out my front door to make sure the muscle-cub stud that just moved in next door is outside so I can make sure he is able to take in the sight of my lean body and tight bubble butt as I run by.

As I step into my yard, I notice him in his driveway working on his truck. I see him look up but I continue on as if I don't notice him looking. After a few stretches, ensuring he saw the v-line of my tight 6 pack and a glimpse of happy trail leading to my short shorts, I throw on some music and last minute decide to pull up my Pokemon go so I can hatch an egg or two on my 5k run.

As I run along the street, I watch the cubs eyes follow me as his hands droop with the weight of his tools he hadn't so much moved an inch since I stepped out. As I run through my neighborhood streets, I have mentally mapped out my run to make sure I can get a few breaks in at long-waited crosswalks so I can toss out a ball or two at any wild Pokemon that pop up. While my overall drive to play the game has died over the last few weeks, I remain in the practice of using my runs as a way to get in some consistent play time.

About a quarter of the way through my run, I hit my first stop and pull out my phone to see a lone straggler Pokemon. While keeping an eye out to cross, I toss a ball out just as the signal changes for me to continue on my run. As I slide my phone back in my pocket, I hear the clink of the ball in my headphones telling me it was a successful catch. By the time I make it to the other side of the street, I noticed my waistband pinching at my sides. Thinking they just rode up on the step up onto the sidewalk, I shift them lower into a more comfortable spot and continue on with my run. After another half mile, I hear the notification that one of my eggs is starting to hatch. I pull out my phone to watch as a newly hatched ghastly pops up on my screen. I quickly exit the menu and continue on with my run.

I notice then that I'm sweating a little more than normal, but attribute it to the heat wave my town is currently stuck in. I pull up my tank top to wipe the beads of sweat from my forehead and as I pull it back down, I fail to notice it stopping just shy of my belly button, which has deepened considerably and has been jiggling with each step since the egg hatch. As I run through the main drag of town, I pass my favorite bakery which I only allow myself one purchase from a week. But as I'm running, I feel a sharp pain of hunger and decide that with all my extra workouts and runs to impress the new nextdoor cub, I can allow myself an additional purchase this week. I step inside the cool bakery and am overwhelmed more so by the smell of fresh cookies and sweet glazed donuts than usual.

With my eyes focused intently on the sweet treats in front of me, I don't notice the softness of my sides poking out the tank top in my reflection of the pastry case. A few minutes later, I step back out into the heat, licking the residual glaze from the corner of my lips from the 4 donuts I had inhaled upon picking up the bag from the cashier. Taking a moment to collect myself from the junk binge, I pull out my pokemon and notice a pikachu and charmander in front of the bakery. I catch the charmander first, needing the candies to finally evolve a charizard, and then attempt to catch the pikachu but it runs away after throwing out my first pokeball. Shrugging at the loss, I change up my music and continue on with the run.

My pace begins to slow down a bit, but having just demolished the 4 rich donuts, I don't push too hard, especially since I feel a sharp in my lower stomach, due to the fact that it has started to hang down over the tight waistband. After another quarter mile, I find myself not really enjoying the run as much as I hoped, so decide to turn back and take a shortcut home so I can shower and prepare a more balanced breakfast to cancel out the baked goods. When hitting the next crosswalk, I pull out my phone as a car drives by, with two younger guys I recognize from the gym pointing and sniggering. I figure they remained slightly upset from a core workout competition at the gym a few nights ago where I blasted their records of pull ups and crunches in order to impress the new cub neighbor who I had discovered lifting in the corner shortly before deciding to enter.

I absent-mindedly tug down at my shirt as I catch two pokemon, having felt the bottom of my shirt lift up exposing half my midsection to the street due to a strong gust of wind following the car of the two gym rats. I begin to run but as I step down off the crosswalk, I feel my ankle roll from underneath me. I drop down to my knee as my leg gave out from the weight of my body and then hear the back of my shorts rip wide open. I quickly half hobble, half crawl to the other side of the street to get out of the way and into the shade where I can assess my ankle and shorts rip. Once tucked under a small group of trees, I stand up to try and put pressure on my foot, meanwhile running one of my hands down my butt to find the rip in my shorts. Where I once would have felt the firm slight curve of my cheeks, I feel softness and a spread of ass I don't recognize.

I snap out of my runners daze and look down to notice my thin body covered in a 5 inch layer of chub, wide love handles, and a spreading fat ass taking over my thin frame. I enter a state of shock and slide down onto the ground, my newly developed belly sagging over my waistband, a new weighted feeling on the top of my legs where my belly has started to sit. I'm appalled at this sudden change of my body and have no idea how anything like this could have happened.

A surge of embarrassment rushes over me, and forgetting my sprained ankle, I race to get home as quick as possible, my belly bouncing with each step, completely exposed to the world as my shirt barely pulls down past my softened chest. After the half mile run back through quiet neighborhoods and some startled gasps as people look up from their yard work to see a newly ballooned fat boy sprinting by, I turn the corner to my street praying that the neighbor has tired of car work and is inside. Unfortunately, I notice the hood of a black truck still open in his driveway, and see the lower half of his back as he is bent down working on his engine.

I slow to a walk and hope I can quietly sneak into my house without him noticing and can hide away to try and figure out my problems. I make it into my own driveway but having kept my hawk eyes on him for any sudden movement, I step on a stick that shatters under my new weight, causing him to lift his head up and look around. I stop dead in my tracks, as his eyes widen, an obvious shocked look spreads across his face as he recognizes that the fat boy in front of him is the same twink who had left the house just a half hour ago. His mouth drops open as I hear the beginnings of an egg hatching in my headphones, from my Pokemon game I had forgotten to close out of in my rush to get home.

He begins to form a sentence but at that moment, my body suddenly expands again, my shirt and shorts rip as chub grows rapidly all over. My chest drops, two huge mounds of fat blow up, resting on top of a wide spread belly that droops down, covering up a reasonable amount of chub that grew around my once modestly sized cock. I stand their naked, my clothes in shreds at my feet, and my phone lying on the pavement showing a freshly hatched pikachu on my screen. As my brain begins to process what just happened, I see the neighbor run to me, a hint of a smile forming at his mouth. I begin to mutter nonsense, shock spreading through my mind as he approaches, sliding one hand onto my wide love handle, the other reaching down to grab my phone from the ground. He brings it up and slides it into my hand, his eyes darting from my fat chest to my naked cock, just barely poking out from all the new fat on my body. I begin to pull away, wanting to run and hide in my house for eternity, but he grabs my hand and whispers "not so fast fat boy".

I stop dead in my tracks, shame rearing up inside my mind, trying to think of a million different ways to avoid any further conversation with the hot stud in front of me. "I thought I saw you making eyes at me as you pulled up Pokemon.", he whispered into my ear as he began to run a hand down my chest, pausing to pull at my newly puffed up nipples. "As attractive as you were, small bubble butts and abs don't really do it for me. I thought I would put together a few modifications for your adventure, and boy am I amazed to see how successful they were. Come on inside, I have a few donuts that need taking care of and I'm sure one or two more Pokemon will get you to the perfect size for me." He began to pull me across the yard into his house, where he lead me into the entryway. "Make yourself comfortable, pizza will be here momentarily, though it might not be needed if another Pikachu pops up".

[12-99-30]

March: Movement

I look forward to writing these end-of-the month posts now, because it forces me to look back and recount all the lessons, blessings, and hardships the last 30 days have shown me. I’m often experiencing a lot of moments where I catch myself saying, “I can’t believe that happened this month.” March in particular seemed to feel so dense. Each week seemed to bring new events paired with new feelings I was forced to confront.

Remembrance:

03.01.2020

I spent a weekend at Virginia Tech, surrounding myself with friends who reminded me of what it meant to be known and loved. 

K-- was sitting on her bed, still trying to wake herself up from a night of going out. As I quietly sneak in her room and lay beside her, she can already tell by the quiver of my voice of what was going to come next. She embraces me and the vulnerable mess I leave before her. Knowing no words can placate the hurt, we trust that time will be the healer.

J--, J--, and I went to VTone together, a joint inter-fellowship worship night to show unity in God’s people. I couldn’t remember the last time we were all in an environment like VTone since high school. We all laughed as we saw each of our eyes well up with intimate tears after hearing God’s hope and goodness for our lives. I found more comfort in Christ that night, far more than I did partying with random people. 

As we drove to PCC, I found myself staring out the window getting glimpses of Blacksburg and what life would look like if I got to do life here. I felt J--’s hand intertwined with mine. I think she could sense my wandering heart. She reminded me that I was seen. I was loved. 

I felt overwhelmed with the care I was receiving from the sisters around me. Often times, it wasn’t the words they said to me. It was their presence beside me, saying “I’m so sorry. I’m here to listen” that made me feel safe. I hope to properly thank each of them one day for fighting for me when I couldn’t. 

03.07.2020

I tried snowboarding for the first time! I think it’s cliche and cheesy to transgress physical events into metaphors for overcoming challenges … but I think I’ll make the exception this time. Despite having zero athleticism or confidence in my ability to be a good snowboarder, K-- convinced me to give it a try. Fueled off adrenaline, I would successfully snowboard down a mountain for 10-15 seconds before falling onto my butt or knees, leaving my legs properly blue. One run down a mountain would take me 25 minutes with the amount of times I fell. But after each fall, I’d immediately get back up and go again. I refused to get frustrated. I wanted to be patient with myself in the process. Eventually on our last run, I decide to challenge myself and go down a Blue mountain, something out of my comfort zone and my skill-level. K-- and K-- stand over the final steep slope, all scared and nervous about how we were going to get to the bottom. Without thinking, I made the decision to send my inexperienced-self down the mountain at full speed. 

(I think I lasted 10 seconds before I ate snow and got another bruise on my knee) 

In my head, I knew I had to get down one way or another. The more time I spent thinking, meant there was more time psyching myself out. I was determined to finish this mountain trying, even if it meant looking like a fool in the process. 

I fell at least 20 times, but I always got back up, wiped off the snow from face, and kept going till I reached the end. I couldn’t help but feel proud of myself. Proud of myself for trying something new. For getting back up every time I was knocked down (and that was a lot). And for believing I will make it down the mountain one way or another. The outcome will always be the same. You’ll always make it out alive.

03.11.2020

S--, E--, and K-- gather into my car as we decide to take a trip to D.C. It wasn’t too late, and the evening still had a warm spring breeze circulating through the air. We walk from the Washington Monument, to the WW2 memorial, and eventually across the empty reflecting pool towards the Lincoln Memorial. It’s a habit to think about the memories I’ve made here with old people, but remind myself it’s okay to embrace the new times. 

As we stand before Lincoln, becoming tourists and taking selfies with Abe, I become overwhelmed with a feeling of nostalgia. I realize I haven’t stood under the memorial since I was in elementary school. I could distinctly remember the feeling of getting off the yellow school bus - a bubbling excitement in my belly as if I was unlocking a whole world I never knew of. Parents attempt to corral us, but it couldn’t stop our wandering selves from discovering the newness of D.C. The city seemed to hold so many possibilities, and I got to uncover it with my friends. 

I felt like that again. Like a kid, rediscovering herself and how the uncertainty of the world wasn’t something to fear, but to embrace. It’s an eagerness for life - being in a new place with people you love.

As we sit on the steps, Katrina asks the question, 

“If you knew that the world was going to end at 12:00AM tonight, who would you call?”

I knew my answer. I would call the person I hated to let them know I didn’t hate them. It led me to have a conversation of unmerited forgiveness (another post for another time). 

That night reminded me that life was moving forward. Laying the first stones of a life that is new. That’s mine. 

Moving Forward

S-- told me that in order to move on, I have to really leave the past behind me and move forward. It’s acknowledging the past as something important and necessary, but to leave it there and take the lessons with me. You can’t change what has happened. Although we both wish it never happened, there’s nothing we can do to change it.  It reminds me of a quote I read from Taos of Seneca. 

“Beasts avoid the dangers which they see, and when they have escaped them are free from care; but we men torment ourselves over that which is to come as well as over that which is past. Many of our blessings bring bane to us; for memory recalls the tortures of fear, while foresight anticipates them. The present alone can make no man wretched.” 

I’m letting go of what was never mine. I can’t keep holding onto pieces of the past, and fixating on the pain of it all. I realized that the person I loved is not the same person anymore. I, myself, am not the same person. I’m careful of where I put my trust now. They do not care about me, and I’m learning how to let go of my need for control and care less about them. I’m still fighting to forget the hurt. There’s a lot of things I’m still feeling. Their presence is a reminder that I somehow failed - that I wasn’t enough. E-- tells me it’s normal to take a couple steps back, and sometimes feel stuck. It’s not regression, but rather a reminder that you cared about something deeply. The ~trauma~ might be there for a while, but the time it takes to remind yourself that it will be okay will get shorter and shorter. J-- reminds me that my goal is to not just move on, but to move closer to Jesus. To be more like him and to be with Him. These words become ingrained into my mind. 

I’m unlearning and relearning habits. Replacing thoughts of them with thoughts of God’s character. I pray for self-control and to remind myself that this wasn’t my fault. I believe God will redeem these lost years. I know He’s sees me. God will defend me. He will untwist the parts that have been defiled. I will come out better. 

COVID-19 put our world on pause, and now it feels like I’m living through some apocalyptic movie. I’m thankful to have the privilege of living in a family that provides generously. Not everybody has the luxury of looking at this time as a way to slow down. I’m lucky that my days are filled with a lot of laughter around the dinner table, and quiet moments of vulnerability. I’ve been able to build habits during this time that help with my development. A lot of reading, writing, praying, exercising, and even baking (I’ve only baked one thing, but it included 3 sticks of butter...) 

This month is marked with gratitude. Despite the anxiousness of being in isolation during the COVID-19 pandemic, I have endless amount of things to be grateful for. 

I have been stretched beyond comfort this month, which I hope to share in short posts as I find more time to write. I’m starting April with a peaceful heart, looking forward and not behind. I’m not where I was a month ago, and it is by the grace of God I’m able to look to the future with hope. But for now, I’ll be present.