#me thru my tears: doesnt stop me from THINKING about them

[yoakenouta]

sometimes i think about their friendship dynamic and i lose it a lil

✦ ORIGINAL ARTIST

[drewsprincessy]

loving you was hard.

warnings: angst, anxiety, anger, comfort, arguing, crying, lmk if i missed any

summary: rafe and reader are in love, but rafe struggles to accept it, he doesnt believe in love.

part one

rafe cameron x female reader.

you had fallen for rafe, hard. it started off with stealing glances at each other every so often, then it escalated to him asking for your number. you two talked every night, dusk til dawn until you couldn't keep your eyes open anymore. you were the only person he was gentle with, the only one he would give affection to, and even crack a smile with.

he caught himself re-reading your texts and smiling at them, going through your insta posts, checking your following, checking your location, and checking when you were last online.

he thought he just needed a quick hookup, and that was all. but no. the way you smile at him and your dimple pokes through your cheek, or maybe its the way your eyes light up when your excited about something.

he doesnt know what it is, but he cant fall in love. your not important, its just all in his head.

he was sitting on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands as he thinks, he regains his composure, shaking his head to try and get rid of the thought. he lets out a long breath, and he stands up. he goes to smoke some weed.

he stops answering your calls, and even stops responding all together. he cant fall in love, he's not fit for a relationship. right?

your a mess. you'd be lying if you said it didn't hurt the way that he ghosted you out of nowhere. but i mean you cant be mad, because your still just a hookup for him. right?

i mean you thought it'd be different because hes never met up with a girl more than once, you guys have even been on real dates. not just the ones where you have sex and not talk for another 2 weeks. you two had gotten to really know each other.

you were just confused, and hurt. you decided you were gonna try to let it go. try and move on, because theres always other men out there.

~

2 weeks pass

you were at home laying in your bed, you just had on a comfy tee shirt, and some yoga shorts.

you had been scrolling thru your phone, giggling at a video you seen on tiktok. you clicked on the comments and scrolled thru them, and you were giggling until a message popped up at the top of your screen. from rafe; your smile faintly drops as you click on the message

-

imessage:

rafe: been thinking about you. um, im really sorry for ditchin you n' shit. i just been going thru stuff and didnt wanna take it out on you. im sorry alright?

y/n: its okay rafe, i understand. call if you need anything. okay?

you were so understanding, and forgiving. even with the half ass apology he gave you, you still forgave him.

-

over the next few weeks, you and rafe start going out again, he fell more and more in love with you, and you felt the same about him. he had enough of it. he couldnt be falling for you.

he was high off drugs, and his breath reeked of alcohol. he was stumbling and could barely walk. there were crowds of people around him at the party he attended to.

you had also been there with rafe, but went off somewhere with kiara and sarah. you decided the topic of conversation was boring, and excused yourself with a "ill be right back." and went to find him.

he had went off into a room with some random chick, they were making out and her clothes were half off. you had almost stumbled on your feet when you walked in, your eyes had immediately began brimming with tears. to save yourself the embarrassment you walk off, quickly as possible. trying to get the hell out of there.

rafe comes outside to where you had walked off to, he immediately catches up to you since his legs were longer, and grabs your arm "whats your problem..why are you crying?" he says, trying not to slur his words

you decide, fuck it. he doesnt care anyway. "your my problem rafe. i fucking love you, i have for a long time. and you lead me on and act like you love me the same way, but then i find you about to hookup with some random girl, that you dont even know! like i dont even exist rafe, and im gonna be honest. that shit HURTS! im so sick of this, im sick of you, and your bullshit excuses, your half ass apologies. FUCK YOU!"

rafe feels a pang of guilt in his chest, even thru the alcohol and drugs. he still manages to muster up some excuse, hes trying to hide the way he feels. "i mean..y/n. what did you expect? i told you what the hell u were gettin into. i dont gain.. feelings. so quit being a damn crybaby"

it starts to rain, and you storm off, even when he yells your name, telling u to come back you dont listen. you kick your heels off, and walk all the way home in the pouring rain.

once u get home, you delete his number, and cry yourself to sleep.

he tries to act as if he doesnt care, he drinks until he passes out.

~

𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓮𝓷𝓭

[misfithive]

Thank you for the way you handled that ask about Wille's and Simon's drama. Because that sentence 'On the other hand, Simon needs to have a bit of more drama thrown at him' made me so furious. It was so insensitive! The fact that he suffers in silence and alone in his room not to bother other people doesn't mean he doesn't suffer enough and needs some more! The fact that he didn't jump on the table or say he feels like dying doesn't make his experience any less traumatic than Wille's. What he needs is to process his trauma rather than brushing it aside, not to get some more.

Once again thank you, you put it all beautifully.

Yes 😭 this is a very common hope for Simon to get pushed to the point of a breakdown but it’s like .. at what cost?😩 He has been thru enough trauma for a lifetime and a half. And the thing is, most people cannot actually stop and process the trauma if they are constantly being hit with more. I think we are more likely to get simon opening up if he is able to find safety which he did not really have. he is expected to be the strong one by everyone in his life. His friends try their best but still, telling him to rebound is the same message him mother gives him of “you are strong”. Bc they dont want him to sit with his feelings and cry (it’s uncomfortable and not the norm for them), they want him to forget about the Prince and move on. Up until s3 he has not had someone to cry to- thats why he writes his songs and holds wille’s sweater. Even when he is talking to Rosh and Ayub in the kitchen if he was actually crying to them i feel they would show it- it appears he probably cried on the way home before they came (this is my hc if yall think he cried to them u can believe that if u want)

i think Simon’s character is very accurate to what a lot of men, people socialized as men, and also people of color experience and how we deal with our emotions. I get that for a lot of people it is cathartic to sob but for many of us, crying like that especially in front of someone else is terrifying. we are conditioned that letting other people see u in that vulnerable state is a weakness (puts you in danger or will be used against you & that anger is safer). I know some men who have not cried since they were children and told me they dont even remember what it feels like to cry or how to actually let the tears fall from their eyes. It is messed up. Is that fair? No. Is it true that it is a weakness? No. But not everyone learns that. The patriarchy sucks and harms us all lol i wish people would understand that and have empathy for the deep sadness that simon is carrying and hiding whether he lets it out or not.

Not to mention everyone deals with their trauma differently and i think it is cool that the show is realistic and shows people dealing with things in different ways. Simons character is relatable bc of this and instead of people saying “it’s not fair that Wille gets to express himself in this way and Simon doesn’t” i want people to think about WHY Simon is not be able to. I know wanting simon to cry comes from a good place but it does upset me a little bit bc even if he doesnt have a breakdown s3, that doesnt mean that the writers hate him and arent doing his story justice which is what people say abt s2. At the same time, if he does have a break down, that would be totally warranted. i'm just saying that if it doesn't happen that's valid too.

THAT BEING SAID. I think s3 is a great opportunity for Simon to hear from Wille that he doesnt always have to be strong and that Wille can be a reliable safe space. I think Wille’s tenderness is something that Simon sees and now that they are on good terms and Wille has worked to rebuild the trust, I hope Simon will turn to Wille for emotional support however that looks.

Ermmmn I’m very sorry that this turned into a dump but i had to get it off my chest.(made a few edits for clarity and spelling mistakes bc i posted this in the middle of the night)

[fireofthefirstsun622]

Anxiety comes to me, there is not way of me running away from my own thoughts

They are cold and dusty, they are there, in the back of my mind. Sometimes quiet, but always present

They dont let me forget about them

Between laughs, anxiety comes thru like a sharp blade, that takes my breath away for a second

Then i realize there is someone watching, and there is nothing else to do than pretend

Pretend i am not dying inside, pretend that i wouldn't like to be on bed

Avoiding the truth that i would be in an ocean of tears

That everytime i close my eyes, the fear of darkness invades my mind so fast and so deep that paralyzes. That i want to scream everytime i see that dark, because everytime i go to sleep, he comes back

He comes back and distroys me over and over again, it doesn't matter if I breathe before falling sleep, doesnt matter if I think in pretty things

It is all the dame, it will always be

I am stuck in this harmed body, where my mind is trapped in the darkness, and there is not exit

Will I ever be able to overcome it?

Should i continue or just give up

In my dreams i scream so loud that everyone can hear me but nobody moves a bone. They just look at me distroyed

Years have passed and i will never be the same

My soul was broken, my mind and spirit taken

It is not me anymore

I used to be powerful, i used to be great, now, I am just a sleep walking body in a place where it seems that wind took everything with it. I want to be okay for those I love, but i cant

Behind my smile and laughs, sadness is hidden, but between those thoughts, there are flashes with names, names of those I love, that would be destroyed of self blame if i ever give up

So...

How could i ever be so selfish to distroy them in that way?

They would be better without me, but I also know they would blame themselves

It is like an endless cycle, cycle of anger, sadness, confussion

Where i want to end everything

But my love for them stops me

I want to love myself, but I just feel hopeless, and like i will be sad forever...

I smile and laugh

Because if I ever start crying, I would never stop

I would cry until my death

Then what would be the point of staying?

So my alternative is to live while i die inside, while i pretend

My mind and soul are off

Disappointed must say

That i couldn't defend myself

I froze, I froze in the dark room

Since then, i was never the same

[moemoemammon]

I just found ur blog and read thru some of ur stuff and im in love !! Ur writing is nice to read, and always gives a nice picture of the situation

If its aight, could u do some headcannons for the demon bros Finding out mc goes real hard on housekeeping ? Im talking fast and good cleaning, does chores without problems, propably even cleans after them (totally doesnt mother them in anyway), all without complaint, mc just cares

Housekeeper MC!

(Feat. GN!MC and the Demon Bros)

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦

Lucifer

The fact that he didn't have to shove a mop and bucket into your hands like the evil stepmother has him like 👀👀

Out of every person he's met, you and Barb are the only ones that actually enjoy cleaning? And now he's wondering if you've been influenced by him in some way because got damn are those floors sparkling-

Ever since you've arrived, the house has been immaculate. But as much as he enjoys that, he worries that you aren't leaving enough chores for his brothers to do.

They're gonna be lazy at this rate, especially if you keep cleaning up after them like that. He's planning to sit you down and have a good talk about how you should rest a bit, and- D...did you polish his desk????

"MC... as grateful as I am to you, I thought I asked you to rest? You don't have to clean every little thing in this house. You're here as our guest, and more, so I won't have you behaving like a maid. But if you're that interested in keeping your hands busy, you may feel free to maintain my desktop. It looks as good as new, thanks to you."

Mammon

Oh, so you're one of THOSE types, huh? The goody goodies that like to make everything clean and sparkly, huh?? Well don't expect him to help ya!

Was an asshole at first. Made messes to see if you'd clean them, tried to dump his chores on you, etc. But now that you've stolen his heart? Yeah, he wants you to sit down.

You're messing up your hands with all that time spent scrubbing crevices and dusting ugly old paintings, when you could be spending time with him!

Tch, that's it! If it's chores that're keeping you from looking his way, he'll just finish them before you can do anything! Checkmate!

"You're always scrubbin' somethin'! Let my brothers take care of the messes, while YOU sit down and watch this movie with me! Ain't no point in watchin' it by myself, so I ain't takin' no for an answer!" "Huh?? Waddya mean 'when was the last time I vacuumed'??"

Levi

Oi oi oi...! What do you think you're doing with that feather duster?! You don't think you've got the right to approach his figures with it, do you?! WRONG!

But you quickly discover how ticklish Levi is, and he squirms out of your way while watching in horror as you... delicately handle every figure? And dust them from top to bottom, without so much as an accessory out of place..?

Wait... are you seriously okay with picking up all that trash?? S-some of it's sticky from all the junk food, and- Gah! Don't go messing around in his closet!!!

Yeahhh Levi doesn't let you clean his room lmao. It's way too stimulating to watch you carefully touch every surface in his room... I-it's like you're heaven everything with your presence, and...

"S-so yeah! The only things you're allowed to clean are the figures and the outside of Henry's tank! Nothing else, got it?! Anything more and I seriously won't be able to handle it...I won't even be able to sit still in my own room......." 👉👈

Satan

Satan found it funny how willing you were to take up every little chore there was to be done in the house and he's got to admit, reading is much more enjoyable in a tidy environment.

But what he REALLY wants to know is how you managed to dust off every single book in the house, his room included, without him?? Knowing?? And you've done every shelf as well, cleaned out the cobwebs behind it, and even repaired that little tear in the upholstery of his favorite arm chair????

Has also deduced that you're probably the maid character in the books that knows everything. Actually, you're a lot like Barbatos. What secrets are you hiding human 🔫

Just kidding. But yeah, when you insist on dusting his room, he follows you around the room and watches you. You know, just in case you fall or something falls on you! No other reason.

"As much as I like having you here all to myself, it makes me feel bad watching you do that by yourself. Why don't you we clean together? We'll get it done twice as fast, and when we're finished, I'd like to read a book to you. You remind me of a certain character from a murder mystery novel I've started."

Asmo

Eeehhh?!?!? You've seriously managed to organize both his endless skin care product collection, and his ENTIRE wardrobe?!? You're amazing...!

And you don't stop there. You were more than happy to clean his tub for him and everything, and you know how hard it is to get oil off the side of a tub, right? You're a lifesaver!

Asmo casually pawns off his chores too you. Oh, he just did his nails! Can you do the dishes? Ah, he just bought this outfit. Can you take out the trash? He's about to go out with his friends to a party, so be a dear and take care of the common bathroom for him?

Lucifer scolds the shit out of him every time he catches him doing that. You're welcome. But don't think Asmo won't repay you! He'll give you so much love, you'll be drowning in it! Figuratively or literally, depending on your preferences-

"Fufufu... if you wanted my attention, you should've just told me! You didn't have to go tidying up my shoe collection, but I'm happy you did~! If you keep spoiling me like this, I might not be able to keep my hands off of you! Unless... that's what you wanted?"

Beel

Things tend to get pretty messy with Beel around, with the trail of crumbs he always leaves in his wake, and how he manages to get every surface he touches sticky. But you must be a miracle worker...

You're like a living roomba, and his ravenous appetite is no match against your cleaning skills! You seem to predict when the food bits will fall, and it's thanks to you that he can eat without a care in the world!

It's actually kind of scary, though. He'll drop a bite of his sandwich and move down to retrieve it to eat, and... it's gone. Poof. Into the ether of the garbage can...

You can still rest once in a while though, you know? Beel offers to help you with the cleaning, and he's more than happy to let you climb up his shoulders to reach those high places. It makes him happy to know he can lend a hand.

"MC, I already cleaned over here so you don't have to do it. I cleaned there, too. That means you don't have anything else to do, so why don't you have a lunch break with me? It's not good to work so hard all the time."

Belphie

Belphie's one for the more observant brothers, so your clean freak habits didn't go unnoticed. He didn't know if you were obsessed with cleaning, or if you genuinely enjoyed it, but at least you were doing it without a fuss?

And man did you do a good job. Everywhere you cleaned was left with the lingering smell of vanilla and lavender, and... you know, the smell is making him sleepy.

Every pillow his head touches seems especially fluffy, too! When he found out you made a regular habit of washing and fluffing them, and they smell amazing... He feels like he's laying on a cloud...

He won't admit it genuinely, but he really does love what you're doing with the place. It makes him feel a little fuzzy inside when he finds his pillow on his bed, freshly laundered and soft to the touch. He clings to it extra tight those nights.

"You know if you keep this up, I might prefer the pillows to your lap. Ah, but don't worry, I don't really mean it. There's no way a pillow could replace you, no matter how good it smells. I think."

[drunkjaked]

come thru by summer walker makes me think of sunghoon and this edit isn't helping it. and now i cant stop thinking of dancing with hoon at a party to this song with his hands all over your waist and hips, guiding you to borderline grind on him and youre just having the time of your life not even bothering with the people who are watching and talking abt the two of you. youre not exclusive to each other, just fwbs but god the sex is the best when hoon gets jealous. he doesn't even have the right to be jealous and he would never admit to it but you see right through him. a shiver or two may run down your spine when he presses kisses to your neck and under your ear whispering something about how you two should go somewhere quieter bc the hard on that he's had since he saw you enter the party with his favourite black dress on (his favourite colour, you noticed) and the confidence oozing out of you because youve got everyone enamoured with you as you step in the room makes it even worse. he already knows he's the one youre falling into bed with but that doesnt stop the green eyed monster from showing up when even his own friends flirt with you.

sunghoon feels better when he's barging into an empty bathroom with you right behind him (trial and error with the other rooms before, to which he's had to apologise to each other horny couple) and pushing you up against the door muttering youre mine. only mine yeah? against your lips and his left hand moving to wrap around your neck. knows he didnt lock the door because he's secretly hoping someone walks in to see you in tears because of his cock. your hand gripping his black turtleneck sweater sleeve that's pushed up to his elbows which are holding your waist to prevent you from falling over. and he thinks he might cum from the sight of your once put together visual, ruined all because of him so he speeds up and starts talking a lot more because he knows how much you love his deep raspy voice saying things like, "my pretty girl. youre gonna cum for me?" "wonder what people will think when their little campus crushes are found fucking each other like this?" "they'll think youre a little slut maybe? my slut." "hope they know youre the one screaming my name right now," and when your hand travels to grip his hair and you clench around him enough to make his breathing fasten, he knows youre gonna cum and he makes sure it's just the first for the night. - 🗣

i love that song omg.. AND THE LAST CLIP BEFORE THE LOOP?? jaw on the fucking ground.

this needs to be a fic with at least a million words because???? THIS IDEA OH MY GOD. SUNGHOON AND THIS SONG JUST THE THOUGHT IS MAKING ME SICK TO MY STOMACH.. i got .. carried away.

maybe you guys are in the same friend group, all of your friends popular and sought after.. but there’s smth abt you and sunghoon, everyone is always thinking about one of you.. or both, and of course you both think the other is good looking, a catch even but you’d never really considered it until a drunken game of spin the bottle 7 minutes in heaven where you ended up w his dick down your throat in someone’s closet, and it would have ended up elsewhere if you’d had more time together

you avoid each other for as long as possible (not very long considering your friend group) but even during lunch or when the group is hanging out you’re not as comfortable around each other as you once had been and all it takes is another drunk (unplanned) meeting between the two of you at whoever’s party is next, hands all over each other, messy make out session, etc and your friendship is fixed, and comes w benefits ofc

the thought of not being exclusive to esch other but you being the only person that he’s been with more than once.. idk why but something about that is just.. making me dizzy - and he knows that you have other guys so each time he fucks you is better than the last in hopes that you’ll drop them for him 😵‍💫

and his friends flirting with you 😵‍💫 ur literally just minding your business and jay is coming over to greet you, hand on your waist while he presses a kiss to your cheek.. lingers for a bit before moving away and your hand is absentmindedly holding or rubbing his bicep while you guys talk for a little bit and sunghoon is watching from across the room with his jaw clenched, plastic cup probably cracking in his hand from how tight he’s holding it

HIM LEAVING THE DOOR UNLOCKED OHHH IM SEEING SPOTS.. and if someone opened the door he’d just smirk at them before looking back at the mess he’s making out of you ..

this response was longer than i planned i am so sorry your mind is just.. amazing and i adore this idea so much sorrrryyyyy🧎

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[ringmyheart]

Can I request Vin Jin boyfriend headcanons and some fluff? (You don't have to force yourself)

(This and the other vin jin rq were merged!)

Honestly the way I see it, it doesn’t matter if you’re a very calm person or outgoing person. No matter what this relationship is gonna end up being considerably chaotic

He ropes you into everything he does. Doesn’t matter if u r a design student or an architecture student or if ur on the opposite side of the school from him, u r practically in his class. Dating him is like signing a contract sealing away ur own life bc he makes it a point to be ALWAYS w u

In class he doesn’t gaf if the teacher has ur seat on the other end of class, he is somehow finding a way to sit next to u against ur will or not. And when the teacher moves u two away from eachother INTENTIONALLY bc of this, he is threatening whoever happened to sit next to u to trade seats w him. He will go as far as to dress up as them to make it look like they’re them to be next to u and he’s so dramatic ab it.... being away from u felt like u were star crossed lovers whom the world was fiercely against

And if UR against this cuz ur tired of getting in trouble in class, or if you reject any of his advances, he’s gonna be really, really, really offended. He will at first sputter and be kinda shy and embarrassed about it, before he goes “fine! Have fun on your own without me, the greatest thing in your fucking life!”

He move seats back and will glare at you periodically every five minutes to pavlov dog you so that every five minutes every day, even when he’s not there, you feel the burning stare of vin jin

If you’re his s/o, he’ll buy you a matching pair of sunglasses so ur the freshest looking couple around Seoul (they’re hideous and thick but he thinks u look fly)

The glasses don’t have nearly as many layers as his does for himself so u can see, and u wonder how he managed to make them just as bulky and if he did it on purpose to sabotage u. Like “did u make my glasses purposefully ugly so no one else will want me?”

U have to dodge a punch after saying anything like that ab his fashion decisions LMAOAO

He’s rlly proud of u two matching. With the glasses and anything in general. He’ll make you wear a jacket matching his, or the same shoes and he will stop people in the hall and be like “wait. Notice anything cool ab us today?? Cooler than normal??”

And when they don’t respond he boasts “that’s right!! Me and my other half r matching. Look at us and weep, losers.” He thinks u two look so good....... if ur enthusiastic ab wearing matching things too he is elated u have to pray that tomorrow he won’t show up w another “if lost return to Vin Jin” “I’m Vin Jin” pair of jackets or anything of the like bc it happens SO OFTEN

And on the topic of sharing when it’s cold he likes to share jackets and blankets w u. Ur desks r moved by eachother by vin jin himself and u two share one blanket over u and shiver bc he just likes it, sharing w u plus he’s slightly warmer. And yes if you guys had indivizual blankets you would be warmer, but u guys have to struggle together he doesn’t care what anyone says (yes even ur protests ur sharing that one blanket wether he has to wrap it around u himself and tear up the one u brought on ur own or what”

He is so blind in love that he cannot tell when u guys suck at stuff. Like if ur in the wrong he doesnt care ur RIGHT and he’s taking that to the grave. He can belittle u and call u out but if someone else says ur in the wrong it’s on sight

Will die protecting ur name even when ur the one who was genuinely wrong

He forces u to make a beat for him to rap to. He loves rapping and wants to enjoy it w u, so ur forcefed YouTube videos of how to beatbox so u can be his bgm and eventually u probably just start to enjoy it to

And u always start a beat and he starts busting out rhymes and it’s SO BAD. It doesn’t matter if ur good at beatboxing if vin Jin is on the track w u it’s gonna sound terrible he brings the quality down immensely but u two just cannot tell

Like after a two session ur like “omg... that was so good. We should go pro?” “Fuck yea we should we’re better than those posers” “we could rlly make it in the industry fr” no u absolutely could not

During the school festival, u sang with him and it was SO bad. Half the crowd is gonna have 2 be hospitalized but u two had FUN up on the stage

Like I said, he has absolute faith in u. All u do is right. If ur driving a car for the first time, he is going to be ur little hype man doesn’t matter if u suck. U hit a curb and he went “YES babe!! Ur killing it cant wait till u hit the road bby” Ur not allowed to touch a car for the next two years now bc he kept cheering u on when u we’re doing CLEARLY wrong things

On a plane u r looking for the bathroom like pensively and u see a handle and look back and r like “is this it???” And vin jin thinking u r all righteous will go “yea babe go for it” and u open it and u depressurizate the cabin immediately

Now both on like 5 no fly lists

He loves to do things with u, like I mentioned earlier, and things he wouldn’t do alone he’ll do w u. Like drawing alone?? Boring. Drawing w Y/N??!!! Who knows what could happen..... so much fun could ensue. Maybe he will draw u cutely. Maybe he will draw u so ugly u will be forced to engage in a fight.

He likes to play just dance w u and compete for the “greats/all star!” Little titles above, and it becomes like a Friday night ritual for u two to turn just dance on and just go at it. But sometimes he’ll get too intense and suddenly he’s actually fighting for the chance to beat u. Will trip u so u lose on purpose

He makes u listen to him sing and rap to u. And u try to leave and he hugs tightly and is like LISTEN IFS FOR U, DONT BE UNGRATEFUL and now u have to listen

He makes u a mixtape of songs he made himself and they are all considerably worse than “remember the times we had”. It’s uploaded on SoundCloud and all the comments r hate and u listen to it a lot bc u know he loves u sm he made u a mixtape ya ur gonna play that but everyone else hates it w a passion

Like the comments r like:

Daniel: well.... it’s definitely a song 😅 I’m glad you love (y/n) so much!

Duke: he’s not making it out the hood 😐

Zach: never let this man in a studio AGAIN

Mary: this should’ve stayed in the CD

(Y/N): love it! 😍

Zoe: kill your producer 💀

Mira: ...

He’s overprotective too

If someone looks at u for more than a second he’ll go “what?? U think she is hot, huh? I’ll kick ur ass fucking perv.... cmon babe let’s go”

Will throw his arm around u and streer u the opposite way of any potentially good looking ppl to keep ur eyes on him

Oh Daniel is coming?? What a coincidence u and vin Jin suddenly have to turn the corner to the other way of ur classroom for some reason

Eli is near?!!! Oh no u just got milk spilt in ur eye!! Oh no now he has to wipe ur eyes and u two have to leave the cafeteria whatever will he do

It’s not that he doesn’t have faith in u, he doesn’t have faith in other men. Like he thinks they r all competition, and doesn’t doubt ur loyalty rather doubts how good he can b for u

WILL beat someone up for u. If someone smokes while ur around suddenly his fists r swinging at them cuz even if u smoke or vape urself no one else can get that stuff in ur lungs but YOU or HIM!!

If ur crossing the street and a car almost hits u, it’s the cars fault and he’s kicking the license plate and cursing it out for almost touching u “stupid fucking piece of metal”

Is the type of boyfriend to call u when he knows ur in an Uber and be like “babe u got ur gun w u right?? Oh don’t forget ur BOMB and ur MACHETE!! Yeah just left the house I killed some ppl nbd haha anyways HRU what’s ur Uber driver like” so the driver of ur car won’t even think ab kidnapping u. He has got ur back even when u do not want it

He doesn’t want u to see his eyes, so he’ll tell you to look away so he can take his glasses off and look at u in full color in all ur glory but he never tells u WHY he’s telling u to look away u think it’s a weird thing of his, or he’s insecure ab his face which is partially true but really he’s taking his glasses off and just looking at u. Adoringly.....

He hates PDA. He loves PDA. Do u see his dilemma

Like he loves PDA but doesn’t want anyone seeing him vulnerable even u.... so he’ll hold ur hand and be like “EWWW WHAT R U DOING GET YR HAND OFF MINE”

If u take the lead THATS best bc he can blame it on u and it’s ur fault he HAS to lock fingers w u cuz u did it to him first and he has an excuse to touch u and v like u started this im just sending u ur own energy back 😤

The type to be just like blind, overwhelmed in love. Always thinks ab u, always wants to be w u, worries ab u a lot and frets over u without showing it.... he hates it and loves it to death. Despises it but wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world

Eats lunch w u in the cafeteria and if u sit w someone else u r the ultimate traitor and he will trash talk u to hide his hurt to Mary the entire lunchtime. Kinda possessive.... wants u to also only think about him

WOULDNT EVER fight u for real. Play fights occur VERY often, like pillow fights, tripping ur foot when u say a joke insulting him, grabbing ur collar but he would sooner die than lay a finger on u

Verbal fights happen a lot and if he ever like LOSES it he may lash out and almost hit u and follow thru. I don’t think he’d be able to catch himself that quickly, and if he ever did he’d regret it for the rest of his life. Literally until the day dies he will take it to his grave

He may not sputter out apologieswill just look at u incredulously and then at his hands because what had he done? What did he just do? To you???????? (Y/n))))?????? His (y/n)??? Light of his life?

Will apologize probably over text or through a note or call, and if u don’t respond he is consumed by regret and tries to find u instantly like runs back to ur place

If u forgive him he feels bad still, because does he deserve it? And he might just isolate himself for a bit bc he can’t face u and if it left a scar he is dead inside. It kills him, literally

I could go on w this but I’ll probably save it for another separate pair of hcs later 😭

If u guys ever break up he will fight for u again and won’t stop till ur back together like flowers in ur locker every day, chocolate give during lunch, etc. He wont ever give up hope that he can win u over again and be w u again. He would keep trying, when he wakes up his first thought is ur name in a cold panic bc he can’t rest easy till ur his again and he will try and show off and poorly serenade u and trash his price and be corny and cheesy to get u back

Will set up a performance w the school to let him rap w a mic during lunch for u and he’s saying bars like “(read in bad rapping voice w inconsistent beat) (y/n), love of my life, uh, without you I’d die, uh. Please won’t you take me back? Yuh, without you ima have a heart attack. (Wha!). (Y/n), love of my life, yeah, without you I’m in strife, yup! Please be mine again, (babe), I can never rest till then.”

If the embarrassment doesn’t make u take him back so he’ll pls stop, and when he stands up on the lunch tables to do a little performance doesn’t do it either, then the odd sincerity of his voice and pain in his look (even tho while rapping he sticks out his lower lip in a weird pout) definitely, hopefully will

U make everything worth it !! Truly the light of his life

I hope these were what u wanted, I just had fun w them and wrote stuff that came off the top of my head when I thought of VJ!! ❤️

[undermattsun-archive]

japan national team x reader | w.c 1.3k

a/n: omg guys here’s the super cute epic collab fic i made w all my frieednsies <33 we all worked superrrr hard on this so pls don’t be mean!!!!!!!!! pls enjoy its xoxox and don’t forget to follow everyone here on this kidnapped by hq collab <33333333333

warnings: not proofread bc who does that xD (guys pls free me from this hell i’m in so much pain i didn’t even look at this i skimmed over it i left it as is, gg)

Read this while lsitening to the best song evar!!!!!!!!!!!1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_cXhBy78T4&ab_channel=JonasBrothers if you dont listen whil reading ill eat ur family MONCH MONCH MONCH

i go dwnstars, yelling ‘by mum!’ bfor laceing up my wite convrrse hightops (NOT blck becauz u cant sharpi on it) wth 1d lyrics scribbled on it. i rmb to draw a directioner infinite sign on mywrist. perfect, i think to mysdlf.

I never thot i would get to go to the olympics all the way on the other side of the planet in toky o japan! It was a dream come true for a simple, average, run of the mill girrl like me, who is 5’7 with naturally wavy hair, that’s not curly or strait and eyes as blue as the dark blue part of the ocean. 

I been dreaming of the olypoics since fetus. I just knew I had to be here, but I never thought it would actually happen. The only thing that would make it better is if I had a smezxy smexy boyfrwend! (A/n: Tee-hee! Maybe even two! (Or five! <333) haha! Aren’t I so quirky? <3)

I’m Wearing A Mint Green Crop Top That Ties In The Front And Some Denim Shorts With Black Converse. I Don’t Need Makeup Because My Skin Is Naturally Smooth And Clear And My Lips Are Already Red #wokeuplikethis And I Listened Only To MCR And P!ATD On The Plane Ride. I Bet You Dont Know Who They Are, THey’re My Favorite Banxds And Are Super GOod And Like Underground Bands. (A/n: Okay But If You Don’t LIke Welcome TO THe BLack Parade GTFO Of My FIc I Don’t Need YOu Here xoxo) 

ok so like,, im on my way to the olympics but then like, i get kidnapped !!! the car i was in was like super expensive and i cant see anything with the blindfold on. i hear voices of men all around me though, for like, a whole 30 minutes before they bring me somewhere and tie me up? "Take Her BLindfold off," one of them say, i hear. and im so nervous. but it's like a dream when they tug my blindfold off and im met with the prettiest emerald orbs ever looking back at me.

my stomach knotted in fear (more like an angry swarm of butterflies fluttering around ) i feel like screaming or squealing or both bc those eyes belong to someone so gorgeous . even more gorgeous than harry styles. hes like a god. i woukd so worship his foot. or something. (squee omg i can’t believe this is happening. i bet you wish that it was you huh?) 

bro who tf has emerald orbs green eyes im blanking rn

^ yo i was gonna ask i cannot for the life of me remember who

his #afff14 sppheres peered into my soul i really just felt seen. i took a deep breath before fainting he was just so pretty. *one hours later* i woke upa nd saw the pretty viridescent peepers staring into mine. like he was literally two inches away from my face omg i could feel his minty breath on my lips it smelled so good.

“My name is atsumu miya,” he said gruffly, the gruffness in his voice so gravely. “And me and me mates here think yer the most gorgeous girl weve ever seen. I blink up at him, orbs gleaming amd full of tears. 

“What do u mean, i’m just a normal quirky girl?” I say shakely, biting my lip. I bit my lip as the piss blond man spoke.

“You don’t know ur beautiful.” YOUR INSECURE DONT KNOW WHAT FOR YOUR TURNING HEADS WHEN YOU WAlk THROUGH THE DO OO OOOOOR

“U may be a normal quirky girl but ur OUR nroaml quirky girl now” his friend said with a deep voice. It was so deep that i almost thot it was like the ocean, he had curly balck hair and his eye were sooo mysterious (a/n i loooove sakusa i can’t believe him and his friends kindapped me omgggg XD)

“Stop it go away” osamu said (hee hee i can never remmber  tell which twin is which LOL i think its osamuuu) “no u have to share” sakusa responded angrily. I starred at them and didn’t know what theyd do next!

I looked over to he side ans see sakura pulling out hand sanitizer passing it around to his teamates. The green orbed boys huff as they put it on. i wished i could see his whole face hes so sedy, look over here pretty girl, i gasp pulled from my thoughts by their captain kita walking into the room with his hands on his hips and was theat aran? “You look even better in peroiusn” aran said to me, walking over to me “how do you know who i am?” i ask.

“listen bbygurl...” he yealls, pulling out a chair to sit acros from me. “you dont get to ask the questions, we are your new masters, and you shall do as we say.” i gulp nervously, my stomach feeling like a sharkndao is happening inside. “we hope u will be worth every penny we payed foru.” 

“M-m-m-masters?” my head felt like it was spinning in a teacup from disney land as i thought about what he just said to me. what did this mean? was i gooing to miss the olympics?? I wanted ot hate him with his super smug look on his face but i cant deny that he looks kind of hot and i’m into guys who look just like him,, the other guys r also relly attractive it makes my heart race. I look around trying to find answers when i make eye contact w a really really reall y tall guy who i thinks name is gao only to see another really really relly tall guy next to him,, hyakuzawa?

“what are yo going to do to me then?” ((*lenny face))

you ask, stomach bubbling. maybe i shoudnt have ateen that stale pizza earlier and washed it down with watermelon-lemon minute maid because now i felt like it was gonna come up. ((ew gross um tw vomit mention hehe)

“Dont worry were going to grab seme din din soon lil one,” one of them says. His name espapes me. Hes a ginger. They wont answer me for some reason and i suddenly miss my freedom when i would go to school (i go to an expesive private school for rich kids ahahah).

“WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH ME??” i yell again batting my fists against the ginger but he doesnt even blink. Ive decided hes hot but in a short king kinda way. His hair reminded me of of like cheeto coloured fine thread woven into waves.,,, like the ocean xD (ans...this has an ocean theme)

sudenly there was another voice it was yalling “BOKE HINATA BOKER” i looked with my stricking dark blue orbs and there wasd inother pair of stricking dark blueor bs like the ocean and blck hair. his voicde was veryy deelp an sexxcy (a/n lololol i luv u gakeyama kun *w*)

theres suddenly a loud voice in ur ear screaming directly into ur eardrum " BAKA KAGYEAMA BAKA"  (wtf our they communicating ????  ? )    i cringe at the yellign and another pair of strong arms bulls me away . i land against a hard, solid chest, i can feel the six pack thru his track Suit. 

and then my alarm clock playin what makes u beatyful goes off n i woke up. 

amen.

i rub my eyes wakng up, starrn into the mirror at my super borng brwn ugly eyes and brsh my equaly borng brwn hair. i lok up at m wall and see harey stylz and niallr starinf back at me on t walls. i sigh dreamily. they wud twll me my brwn uairs beatufil. 

[babysizedfics]

romans teethers

after my latest fic pink crayons and pinky promises we saw that roman chews his toothbrush

but as u can see in the fic, it hurts romans gums and is generally bad for his teeth, thats why the cgs are all so adamant he not do it, but roman disobeys anyway... so logan and patton tried to get him to try chewelry instead

but the wood ones hurt romans teeth and make him feel weird, and he thinks the silicon ones are too squeaky, so he doesnt really like any of them :( but he pretends to choose one to get his cgs to stop pestering him about it

then one time at a sibling sleepover, roman is chewing his toothbrush again and complains about the chewlery not feeling good to vee

and vee suggests she has a baby teether that she hardly ever used bc shes too much of a baby to chew things when shes regressed

roman is pretty embarrassed that she even suggested it but vee says its okay but he can always ask her again if he changes his mind....

then a couple hours later roman asks if he can see it..

he is embarrassed bc it is obviously made for babies, its colourful and waterfilled, but he keeps fidgeting with it and squeezing it as they talk and he WANTS to chew it but he doesnt want to look like a baby especially in front of his baby sister

and vee is so sensitive to other ppls emotions she understands - so she grabs her dummy and suckles it while they chill and watch a cartoon

and then a few minutes in roman feels safe enough to try the teether and he rlly likes it 😭😭🥺🥺

he uses it when they have sleepovers a couple more times but ONLY if vee is half little and using her dummy - and everytime roman promises he will wash it and return it the next day but then vee tells roman he can keep it she doesnt use it at all

so roman starts using it in his own time too

but its meant for babies!! and roman isnt a baby of course!! so he keeps it a secret and asks vee not to tell anyone about it which she of course agrees to

then the way the caregivers find out....

when logan was getting roman into his jammies one night, he was wrestling romans arm out of his sleeve - then he hears a sudden CLACK and romans eyes went wide and they both look down to see the teether has fallen out of romans sleeve onto the bed

and logan was about to smile and ask if roman likes using it but as soon as he saw romans face bright red and tearful he realised "oh no ..." then roman literally started shoving him out of his room hysterically yelling GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

before logan could say a single word he was pushed out of the room and roman slammed the door

but logan spoke a little thru the door "its alright, roman, im not going to say anything about it. But please know that theres nothing wrong with what i jsut saw. i dont know if youre still little right now, but please come and get me if you need anything at all. i'm going to be in my room okay?"

logan just waits ... then heard a small sniffle and eventually: "......okay"

the next day logan and patton did gently talk to roman to try to get through this misplaced shame but they didnt find much success. roman was so embarrassed and closed off during the talk they hardly got anywhere with it, roman was just pouting and blushing the whole time

because he doesnt want it to be a big deal! he just wanted smth to make his mouth feel good and he HATES that he feels so insecure abt it - he KNOWS that its not smth thats rlly so mortifying but it FEELS mortifying and the fact that he cant make that feeling go away makes him feel even more powerless

roman is still embarrassed to use his teether after this conversation even with all of his cg's reassurance that it doesnt make him a baby - until one day he is upset with his mommy and tearfully asks if he can get his teether (logan of course helps him fetch it and dutifully doesnt point out how roman hides it in his sleeve as he chews it and sits in logans lap)

in general roman doesnt like using his teether around people at first

around vee its okay but ONLY if she is half regressed or fully regressed and not aware of that much

he outright refuses to use it around his nana because its too embarrassing, and he wont use it with his daddy either bc hes worried patton will baby him

((alrhought since both janus and patton like getting everyone presents, they DO sometimes see teethers they know roman will like and buy them - but they always always give them to logan first so that logan can give them to roman so that they dont embarrass him 😭))

side note these are romans teethers

roman is a little shy to use it around his mommy at first but is the most comfortable with him. he can happily chew his teether with logan within a few weeks but he still much prefers hiding his face or the teether while he does and is v shy about talking abt it

logan never ever is like 'do u need ur teether' bc thats TOO babyish sounding for roman so he just does it wordlessly OR HES LIKE "sweetheart, do you want your blue bear?"

then roman blushes and fidgets and says "um... please can i have the red monkey please?" rlly quiet and logan just nods and doesnt make it a big deal and he goes to get roman his teether

AND waaahhh and he might walk past patton in the kitchen while he's getting romans teether from the fridge.. and patton sees logan getting the teether and they dont say anything bc it would be disrespectful to romans wishes but they do share lil soft smiles

also !! 🥺 i kinda think roman might be comfy using it around jamal eventually.... because he knows jamal never sees him as a baby and jamal already told him it would be okay if roman used pacifiers, so roman figures using a teether is definitely okay. jamal has just managed to seriously break through romans barriers of shame and its so good for them

but even with logan or jamal if he uses it then he faces away from them or keeps the teether hidden behind his hand or in his sleeve while he uses it

but he does eventually in the future get to a point where he will be able to use it openly in fromt of all the family, just like imagine the teether hangin out his mouth while he colours a picture for nana and his feets kicking behidn him and a bit of drool drips onto the page from him chewing it HAJDJJSJSJS

pattons like "hes grown so much :')" and logan is like "yes he is far more emotionally mature now"

meanwhile janus is eyeballing the drool like "...... if you say so"

[mobiused]

Im glad you asked, cause i’ve been dying to talk about it for a hot minute! Srsly lyrics are sooo important to me when it comes to music. Starting of: all wonder girls members are great lyricists. Even if they dont put out music!! I just know their poetry would bring me to tears. But honestly sunmi, yeeun & yubin snapped on the reboot album & didnt stop since. I love how they feel comfortable to actually write about their issues (yubin leaving jyp, sunmi’s mental health, yeeun’s problem w her dad) & not just sugarcoat everything. They just tell it like it izz ok? Another one goes to LE. She wrote all of exid discography. This woman will not stop until the whole world knows about her hatred towards men, i just have to respect her for that. Interestingly she also makes damn good sexy times music. Now to f(x)’s luna. Everybody should listen & read the entire free somebody album. Then they would understand. So ahead of her time, its a pity. Another great addition: heize. Everytime i listen to her lyrics is like im going thru a breakup. 10/10. And last but not least, the OG songwriter idol, miryo. From what i know she has the most writing credits among all female idols (LE is catching up tho!!) and thats got to mean sth.

i actually ult miryo!! she works primarily as a lyricist at mystic story now (is that common knowledge? i don't think she's credited half the time 😭) as her day job though ofc she still does her youtuber gamer streams and soundcloud raps. i forgot to mention how much i enjoy yeeuns unbridled and raw emotion she puts in her lyrics mainly because her music isnt my style but that doesn't mean her lyrics arent great. ofc sunmi i already mentioned how much i love, her double (and sometimes triple, quadruple) meanings in her songs and the extended metaphors and how her lyrics link to the composition cant be described as anything but genius. (thinking of heroine/gashina/noir/lalalay) of course i mentioned her weaknesses are when she goes for commercial viability instead of emotional expression, which is why i don't care much for pporappipam or you can't sit with us (tail doesnt have mindblowing lyrics but theyre perfectly fine, and the actual song production is good enough to carry it lol). ofc i listen to EXIDs title tracks but i really haven't tried any of their bsides! i didn't even know LE wrote for them! ill look into her credits when i find the time. also from what i heard, i enjoyed heize and i know she works with monotree so that immediately means shes good hehe... i was curious, are there any non-idol lyricists you like too?

[collisiondiscourse]

i have decided i am now going to blow up your inbox bc i csn i’m sorry codi focnnf

b u t!! anyway i’m going to rambling abt my new dad for all au [whixh was the au i sent you that ask abt]

alrighty so all might is now midoriya’s dad. that’s a thing. i like to think that inko and toshinori were high school sweethearts who broke up after graduation but met again when all might was called to recuse some hostages and inko was one of them!! anywho all might recuses her, they go on a coffee date, realize they’re still in love and start again

they get married and have izuku, who keeps inko’s maiden name [midoriya is now inko’s maiden name bc i do what i want]. he’s the cutest baby who has inko’s green hair, but has one blue and one green eye! [these are /important/] inko and all might talk abt maybe giving izuku all for one when he’s older, but they decide against it bc they don’t know if he’ll have a quirk or not

spoiler!! bitch baby has a quirk!! he gets a quirk that’s so much different than inko’s quirk and !!! ahhh!!! the basic explanation is that all might’s all of one genes mixed and then “corrupt” inko’s like 3 generation quirk-having genes or smth and izu has a very, very complex quirk now. it’s called astron, and astron allows him to fucking astral project into the center of the university and shit chxnc

astron works two different ways: using his blue eye he can project other people into his own personal astral plane and do whatever he wants. while the person’s physical body is still where it was, their mind is in the astral plane. if he uses his green eye, he can project himself to his astral plane and fuck around without consequences!!

[there’s an untold third ability of astron using both of his eyes, but izuku tried doing that when he first got his quirk and immediately fell into a coma for like a month? it was bad and his mind couldn’t handle the stress and dipped lol]

ANYWAY, izuku grows up with a bomb ass quirk and still has his kacchan with him thru his childhood so things are a lot different than canon? the wonder duo are little shitheads together and i love them, they wreck havoc and i love them

i have more ideas for this story but this is all i have for now, codi this is so long i’m sorry i’m blowing up ur inbox 🥺😭

me opening my askbox and seeing the length of this au: holy shit

me reading the actual whole au: HOLY SHIT

AJ I LOVE THIS HIGHKEY!!! I LOVE THE IDEA OF OP DEKU W A FUCKED UP QUIRK JUST TERRIFYING EVERYONE HE COMES ACROSS!!!! heterochromia is SO so good as a character design element and i LOVE THE WAY THIS IS IMPLEMENTED YELLS. I WANNA DRAW THIS SO BAD!!! THIS LOOKS SO COOL

(serious writing/plot below - blood and vomit mention)

oh god and now im imagining deku like. being this extremely feral and annoying lil shit whos extremely powerful and now bakugous got someone on his level so hes a lot more humble as hes growing up but also him and deku are the?? BESTEST OF FRIENDS. and i imagine when bakugou is being a little shit deku just. astral projects him out of his body for a while and apologizes to whoever kacchan yelled at LMFAO---bakugou comes back to his body and is all like “....fucks sake stop doing that”

AND THEN omfgkjfds imagine morally grey deku who does whatever he can to win?? he knew he wouldnt get into UAs hero course fair and square (all might offered him a recommendation but he declined because he wanted to get there on his own with kacchan) because robots didnt have souls he could astral project so he practices his quirks limits like YEARS prior and he tells bakugou about it but never rlly shows him but on the day of the entrance exam?

he shows up. everything goes as normal and he finishes the written exams and then moves on to the practical exam (still seperated from kacchan like in canon) and like. Every one goes dashing forward and deku doesnt really try to beat anyone. He waits until theyre all in the center engaging with robots when he walks to the center of the room.

and he sees the zero pointer in the distance.

“THE ZERO-POINTER’S HERE!” He yells and points at the gigantic mech heading their way. All at once everyone’s heads whip up to catch sight of the robot, enraptured by its sheer size and power. 

As they all look to one direction, Deku makes eye contact with them and smiles.

All at once, every single participant in the area goes limp. Astron throws their souls into the astral plane with little fanfare and everyone watches in awe and annoyance as their bodies uselessly crumple to the ground from the outside. The green-haired boy is suddenly given free reigns of the arena and they seethe as one by one he deactivates or disables robots that were once under their purview.

(What some of the smarter ones notice however, is the way he seems to be leaving some stray 3 pointers untouched... almost as if he was doing the calculations in his head as he goes... on how to ensure the number one spot while others can still score points...?)

One by one however, they start struggling and reaching to reconnect with their bodies. Their gleaming bright souls bob up and down with frenzied energy and Deku feels it. He feels it like itches on his skin and goosebumps that turn into hills that dance up and down his back. He feels it like he feels his limit reaching.

Its still around 10 minutes though before he actually loses control and everyone comes back to their bodies. His quirk times out and almost like its angry, the astral plane takes his body in exchange for the dozens he kept in there. He gets sucked through and passes out while everyone else runs and destroys the remaining bots. It doesn’t matter though, because he knows he’s racked up enough points to stay on top. He lets himself rest and observes the blue-haired tall guy with engines who contemplates carrying Deku’s body to safety.

Until, he sees her.

Just under some rubble and very close to getting crushed by the Zero-Pointer’s foot, Deku spots a brown-haired young girl that he recalls has some kind of floating quirk. He sees as everyone runs past her, prioritizing their own safety instead of hers.

He makes a decision.

Quickly--recklessly, a familiar gruff voice says in his ear--he forces himself back into his body and looks around. He runs to the girl and attempts to dig her out from the rubble before she gets crushed. The robot comes ever closer.

Using the little strength and flexibility he’s learnt from years of sparring with Kacchan, Deku abandons her in favor of climbing up the broken concrete and metal to meet the robot’s visor. He knows he won’t save her by digging her out of there, but by god is he gonna let her get injured without a fight. These robots weren’t designed to kill, but they were designed to destroy.

Focus. Focus and listen to what’s around you, Izu-kun.

The world around him reduces to tunnel-vision and suddenly Deku is face to face with the Zero-Pointer. It stops, as if calculating how to discard of Deku without hurting him severely with its own strength.

Everything has life in it. You only need to focus and look for it.

Izuku Midoriya looks at the robot.

In a whirlwind of blue and green, he reaches inside of himself and searches for life. Cold steel and hard-wired code meet his gaze and he plunges even deeper. 

Focus.

Then all at once, everything in his visions snaps into sudden clarity, like he’s never seen before. He feels everything. Sees Everything. Smells, tastes, hears--and he hears how the metal beneath him bends and groans. He feels how it winces and shudders. He sees it as it opens its maw and its visor bends in a facsimile of eyes, pleading him as if asking how?

The robot beneath him comes to life and stumbles back.

Quickly, he scrambles to the nearest ledge which happens to be a broken support beam. Distantly, he thinks he feels his arm being sliced open on the edge of it and the warmth of blood streaming down his side as he nearly falls. 

“HEY! YOU WITH THE ENGINES!” He hoarsely screams to the still remaining, slack-jawed contestants. “I CAN’T KEEP THE ZERO POINTER DOWN FOR LONG! GO HELP THE GIRL AND TAKE HER TO SAFETY NOW!”

With a sudden burst of energy, the fellow participants start taking others out from the rubble while the blue-haired boy helps the brunette he was protecting earlier. As he watches them clear the rubble to drag her out, he feels a pang.

Who am I? a lost voice calls out. It’s raspy and almost-robotic sounding and only he can hear it. Where am I? What am I?

And Deku’s vision flickers.

In and out, he sees flashes through eyes that aren’t his. He hears voices that are simultaneously faraway and way too close for comfort. The world tugs at the sides of his perspective and a strain is pulling at the back of his head tearing his brain to shreds. He doesn’t know what he’s focusing or straining on, except that its working and keeping the zero-pointer down.

He grits his teeth. “Hurry the hell up! i can’t do this any longer--”

Bursts of pain appear behind his mismatched eyes and he wants to scream so bad and if he were looking any clearer he’d see the way that the zero-pointer thrashes on the ground in time with the pounding on his skull. Bile crawls up the back of his throat and Deku screams.

“SHE’S CLEAR! YOU CAN LET GO NOW, MIDORIYA-SAN.”

Izuku lets go and his vision goes black.

[yodamn]

Comfort

This is something I just thought up, enjoy!

-------------------------------------------------------

Thank God for your parents. Them having other children after you gave you the perfect amount of experience to handle the situation you were in. Your younger brothers, specifically, have helped you unknowingly.

There in front of you stands a Clone. But not just any clone. Marshal. Commander. Cody. THE Marshal Commander Cody. You aren't one of his brothers, you're just an officer delegated to Communications and occasionally getting one very finicky control console to work who, despite not being sentient, only works for you. Thanks Dad for teaching me some of your Mechanical Know-How. But anyway...

Marshal Commander Cody. SIC to General Master Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi. A highly skilled man. Trained to be able to take droids, or people, down extremely easily. Even though some people look down on clones not ONE person can say something bad about Cody in front of his face. Hes intimidating. He commands respect from COUNTLESS clones and he.

Hes got the same look your little brother gets after a really bad day at school.

Eyes glazed with just enough water to seem wet but not to the point of tears, blank stare through time and space. His posture isnt different but he probably is used to having to hide in his helmet. The ever so slight quiver of his bottom lip, most people wouldnt even notice. But you do. You always do. Its the exact same expression. And you can read it like a book. That faces says that he really just wants to be hugged tight and told its gonna be okay and go to sleep but hes not gonna ask for it. Hes hiding it well but youre used to seeing the signs. Sometimes your little brother, Gil, doesnt know how to ask when he needs help. He pushes people away. And your parents do their best, but they've got four other kids and their jobs, they don't catch everything. So then it becomes big sister to the rescue. Who had the time, patience, and energy to help.

And it seems like noone else notices whats happening to the Marshal Commander. You pay attention to the briefing of course but also keeping an eye on Cody. After the briefing youre just close enough to hear Cody dismiss himself as well, saying that he needed to get some work done. At that the plan is set into action. First stop? The Officer Lounge. You grab a cup of caf and put a lid on it. You stop by the officer barracks and grab the nice blanket your mom sent in a care package and swiftly continue towards the Clone Barracks.

There are horror stories told about the Clone Barracks by officers. That they'll eat you alive. That once a new recruit wandered in and was never seen again. Stupid things. But that doesnt mean walking into a hallway of barracks where you really stick out isnt scary. Their gazes are burning into you at all angles, curiosity, confusion, the occasional glare. You finally found the Commanders door. Looking both way you knock first. No answer. You know hes in there because the light of the pad beside you is on. Indicating someone is inside. You knock twice more with the same result. A sigh leaves your lips and you weigh your options.

Open the door yourself and possibly get yelled at. Potentially invade his privacy. Or leave and forget any of this happened. The second option seems more appealing. But then you remember why you came. Seeing his face in your memory. The look of pain in his eyes. Seeing your little brother in him, despite the commander being three times his size and much more intimidating than your dorky little brother. Taking a deep breath to steele yourself you gently and slowly open the door. Hes sitting on his bed. Head in his hands. In the dark. Just like Gil. And a gruff voice calls out.

"What do you want"

"Commander Cody?"

Apparently not the voice he was expecting because his head shot up.

"Can I help you? Is there something you need? I'm sure that-" you cut him off with a wave of your hand.

"No! No I dont need anything, its just," you sighed, no going back, "At the briefing today you seemed a little off, I thought you might need a little pick me up?" You offered with the still hot caf held out to him.

"I brought you some caf, and my extra blanket, its weighted and it always helps me so if you wanna borrow it..." You trailed looking away and then back to see him still staring at you.

"But! Thats-thats only if you want to, you dont have to I just, it helps me and I wanted to..." you stuttered and rambled while flailing your own free hand around.

"Thank you"

You stopped and stared at the man. The look was back. And oh how it hurt.

"I-Thank you, that's very thoughtful" Cody furrowed his eyebrows and scratched the back of his head. You extended the caf to him again, he took it and just held it in his hands.

"How-how did you know? How could you tell?" He asked, oh so softly. Running a hand down your cheek you gesture to the bed next to him and he nods and scoots over.

"Uh, well" you start and sit on the cot, you place the blanket down next to him and think back to Gil, "I'm the oldest of 5 kids in my family, and my parents try their best. But they dont always catch everything, what with having five kids and my mom and dad own a business and other family issues" you explain.

"Sometimes I step in to help, I dont have to. But I care, and they are important to me", you smile thinking about your younger siblings. Your parents were always so adamant about you not having to help. But at one point your grandfather got sick, had to come live with you. You wanted to step in to alleviate the stress. You lean back against the metal walls and looked at Cody.

"And you, sir", knocking your hand against the plastoid of his armored arm you shift to fully face him, "You had the same face that my little brother makes when hes had a really tough day and just wants to talk about it"

Cody chuckled taking a sip from the caf.

"Sorry if its not all that good, its just the caf they supply officers and I also dont know how you like your caf so..."

"No, no its fine, thank you" he whispers, he's so tired. You can see it in the way his eyelids flutter. "I can't really talk about what I do, it's confidential" hes slouching where he sits, soon you can see his head slightly bopping up and down. Resisting the pull of sleep.

"That's fine, you dont have to" you reassure patting him on the arm, you lightly rub your thumb in the crease between the armor and his blacks.

"Can you tell me about yourself then? Whats your favorite caf? Do you like bolo-ball?" You ask quietly, you move to sit in front of him on the floor. By slowly lowering your voice you should be able to get Cody to relax and fall asleep, it works for your. The big commander humms and slowly explains that he likes his caf with sugar but never can find any so he drinks it black mostly. He, like most of the clones, are loyal to the Corosaunt team. His voice getting softer and softer with yours as he went on. You hummed sweetly and looked at his armor. That can't be comfortable to sleep in.

Tapping your finger on his knee plate, and unfortunately reeling him back out of the sweet embrace of sleep. You ask if you can remove his armor, following that you didn't have to if he didn't want you to . Cody nods drowsily and croaks a yes out. You perch on your knees and begin to fumble with his leg armor.

"Please Cody, tell me more about Waxer and Boil" you prod gently while slipping your fingers into the magnetic locks. You had a nurse friend who had often had to remove armor from the clones due to them being unconscious. He had complained about how sometimes the locks would stick and explained how to get them unstuck. Not that you needed to know at the time, but it was useful right now.

Cody rambled on about Waxer and Boil and how sometimes Obi Wan would loose his lightsaber in battle.

He pouted, "Its rich because he always, always says 'The lightsaber is your life' to Skywalker..."

You giggle and stand up, he sighs and goes to lay back on the bed. Drunk in exhaustion. You had removed most of his armor, him removing things you couldn't.

He inhales and looks back at you, having sat back down next to the head of the bed. Cody lets out a sigh and continues to ramble, at this point his words are getting mixed up and jumbled. He had begun to explain how he got upset at all the paperwork he had to do and battle plans to make and military personnel to kiss up to, but you stopped him.

"Thats confidential remember?" You whispered, brushing a stray hair away.

"Thas right, you" he clumsily pointed up to you, "youre a good person"

Smiling you grab his hand and bring it to lay on his chest, "Thank you Cody, so are you" you softly pet his hand.

He turns onto his side and ever so slowly you see him slip into a peaceful sleep. You stand and lightly laid your blanket over him. It was muscle memory. Remembering all the times your parents had to work late or were focused on helping a sibling or relative that was sick and you had to put the others to bed. You tucked Cody in and gingerly lifting his head to move his pillow under him. After making sure he was covered you laid a kiss on his temple. Youre eyes snapped open and you tensed your back.

Why did I do that? You looked down at the man and he was still peacefully sleeping. Shaking your head you sighed, stupid muscle memory. You moved the cup of cold caf further on the nightstand next to his bed just incase her flailed an arm and he knocked it over. You brushed hair from his eyes once more before moving towards the door. Opening the door just enough for you to slip thru you turn down the lights and leave, shutting the door on your way out. Turning you bump into Obi Wan.

"Oh! Im so sorry General" You quietly stutter before moving past him.

"Oh please, I shouldnt have snuck up on you" he assures, "I must say thank you though, I noticed what you did"

Flushing you nod and continue out of the barracks.

The next day you wake up and go through all your duties. You had to make the control console work three times because it decided today wasnt a good day. Some shiny bumped into you in the mess, spilling all your food over you. You had assured him it was fine. All of your clothes were dirty so you had to continue the day with slightly gravy soaked clothes. Over all the day wasnt very good, and you just wanted to go to sleep.

You walk into the Officer barracks stripping down your uniform and tossing it. You washed all of the sticky feeling off of you, changed, and went to just pass out. Once you reached your bunk you see a piping hot caf on the nightstand and her blanket folded on her bed. Laying neatly on the blanket was a card. Opening it showed a simple message.

'Thank you, if you ever need anything dont hesitate to let me know

- Marshall Commander Cody'

You smile and curl up on your bed with the caf and your blanket. You can tell this is the begining of a beautiful friendship.

[tigerdrop]

king u gonna elaborate on virgin benrey

 listen i have kiryu “is 100% a virgin at the ripe old age of 37, and this is appealing to me instead of fucking hilarious″ kazuma disease and it has followed me here. also this kind of branches into a completely different kink at the end b/c i am diseased

so you know how i write "obviously fucks good and hard all the time" benrey. well........you know.......like..........what if......................he didnt. what if he was. what if he had never fucked before in his life and his incessant flirting finally works and hes like "i did not expect to get this far."

envision, if u will, the delightful awkwardness of virgin benrey + "has never had sex with a dude before" gordon

ive definitely brought up the possibilities of gordon going all science-brain on null benrey before but i think it works just as well on virgin benrey too. its a learning experience for both of them and if theres one thing gordons good at, its research. and gordon probably gets way too up in his own head about making sure he does this shit right and spends a lot of sleepless nights googling "how to have sex with dudes" and, you know, researching, 

if benreys not the one fucking babying him thru his first gay experiences he is probably going to bungle it so fucking badly and i think it would be really funny 

alternatively please consider gordon being so fucking neurotic about benrey never having done this shit before that he avoids the subject as hard as possible, thinking that hes gonna dick it up hardcore, but the whole time benreys just thinking "bro i havent had my dick touched in [however long hes been alive]. come on". the tension

furiously making out with him behind a fucking crate in black mesa and then realizing this is Going Places and gordons voice breaks as he says, way too loud, "I GOTTA UHHH GO RELOAD MY SMG. RIGHT NOW"

you think gordon is touch starved ? no. Hell with this 

Im just tsying theres no evidence hes been touched at all by another human being in his life before this. if hes video game in real he benrey noclip out of being touched 

what if he like, chooses not to noclip/not feel....ON that time gordon catches him. just cuz hes curious, a gay impulse. or maybe hes so surprised (and gay) he forgets to avoid it

and oh, to be in gordon freeman's gentle grasp. makes him into an unholy annoyance of awkward gayness for the rest of the series

YEAS.......also he has definitely thought hard about sucking gordons dick but doesnt actually have any idea how he would go about it. hes just heard its cool

giddy thinking about the scenario where its actually benrey whos terrible at sucking dick b/c hes never done it before and gordon who actually does suck dick like a champ

i know that this is literally the plot of the very first serious nsfw fic in this fandom but still. virgin beney. benrey getting sucked off for the first time in his entire life and shaking like a fucking leaf......

Power trip of Gordon realizing this guy whose been hitting on him the whole time has no idea what to actually do 

Gordon Freeman Gives Benrey A Prostate Exam

its a joke but its not a joke. virgin benrey being vaguely aware that being fucked by gordon freeman would be cool, in theory, but not fully conceptualizing of how you actually get a dick in your ass until gordons like "what?? no, dude, you cant just stick it in there" and gives him a demonstration and thats how benrey discovers he has a prostate 

benrey like "idgi man this just feels weird. when do we get to theohhh my god what. what that" and gordons like "what, u mean this?" (curls his fingers again) mean smirk hours

i want him to make a squeaky little noise when gordon says that and curls his fingers again, and gordon's like "ha- knew he'd like it" and keeps kneading him a while; but oops, suddenly benrey's coming with an even squeakier noise 

gordon's so surprised he just keeps going, hes like, not comprehending until benys whining at him to stop

a thought: benreys not good at "being human" and probably doesnt actually know whats supposed to happen when u nut so every time hes been jackin it he just does it until it starts to be Just A Little Too Much and then hes like "mission accomplished" and stops. imagine his fucking surprise when  gordons jerking him off and he doesnt stop and hes like "wh ha hu what the fuck i already got off bro" and gordon just stares at him and the distinctive lack of cum on his hand and s like ".......did you?  you sure about that one." 

tl;dr benrey squirming and babbling and digging his fingers into gordons back as he begs him to keep going, he doesnt know whats gonna happen and hes feeling totally overwhelmed b/c gordons pushing him further than hes ever been pushed and he keeps inadvertently trying to wriggle away b/c its So Much but gordon, maybe, pins down his hips so he can get benrey off For Real....... 

even better if its when gordons sucking him off for the first time so he can wrap his arms and hands around benreys thighs to keep them spread wide open and firmly in place 

knees shaking and thighs jumping constantly 

and benrey has no idea when its supposed to be over so he cant even warn gordon properly. he just keeps getting louder and louder....... 

maybe even.......completely hunched over gordon......pushing him down on his dick with his hands in his hair....... 

alternating between babbling "stop" and "dont stop" b/c hes stupid 

eventually gordon gets so sick of benrey not being able to decide whether he wants to shove gordon onto his dick or yank him off that he just pulls off and says "look, man, do you trust me?" b/c he would really like to just get benrey to stop edging himself here 

UNINTENTIONAL OVERSTIMULATION.......THE TEARS........HHHHHHH

and he eventually gets benrey to nod furiously at him that he trusts him and gordons just like, okay, im not gonna stop then. im gonna keep going. and.......he does 

eyes glazed, hair sticking to him with sweat, hips all twitchy, dick all red, face also all red 

sucking benrey dry until hes over sensitive....... 

He started off spasming then he’s rocking into Gordon’s face by the time he’s wailing his name. Panting and gasping like he’s fucking DROWNING 

gordon meanwhile almost nuts in his pants from the fuckin show that benreys puttin on for him and hes not even trying. hes just Like This. gordons got jerkoff material for the next month just thinking about the way benrey wails his name and clutches his hair tight 

benreys like (slurred) 'u gonna jack off or sumn.......was it not hot'. gordon fighting with every cell of his body not to scream "WAS IT NOT HOT?"

trying to decide what would be hotter: gordon jacking off while hes on his knees with his head resting on benreys thigh or jerking off on benreys stomach and.....r.......rubbing it in

benrey watching gordon cum and feeling a whole new context for it cause now he knows how good it feels and gets turned on again faster-

thinking.......about.......th. next time. now that benreys figured it out. he gives it a try on his own time and hes so surprised that it works that he goes up to gordon like "yo. check this out. i figured out how to jack it" and gordon has the most unimpressed look on his face imaginable 

"proud of you, buddy. am i good to go back to watching storage wars, or" "you wanna uhhh.....wanna see it maybe?" and that changes his entire tune

imagining benrey being so fucking bad at it still that he keeps doing the start-stop shit b/c its so intense and hes not used to it and the thing that actually gets him to finish is gordon, pants down to his knees and fisting his own dick like he might die tomorrow, leaning forward and telling him that hes got this, benreys gonna come for him, right? come for gordon? 

gordon fucking telling him "dont stop" WRT jerking himself off and benrey just listening to him and pushing himself is ruining my fuckin mind 

its a really good thought......i love how it plays into non-human benrey having to figure out human stuff........makes me crayz

probably keeps being sensitive for a long while too........ (mumbling very very quietly) and if hes so sensitive from never being touched before......maybe hes kind of........uhhh..................ticklish

new layers to the whole "oh my god its too much stop it" + "i actually dont want you to stop touching" thing .. . . .. . . . + gordon powertripping when he realizes whats going on with him and why he keeps jerking away and trying not to laugh when gordon touches him like on his stomach or his sides

benrey accidentally jerks too hard and knees gordon in the dick from how ticklish he feels just from like, hands on his sides or something

i was actually thinking about......like.......gordon laying on the ground and suffering (because why wouldnt i be thinking about gordon suffering) and deciding that enough is enough and offering to.......desensitize benrey. you know. for his own health

you know. uhhh. tying up his arms and legs, perhaps, and. you know. "do not noclip through these. i swear to god, benrey, if you kick me in the dick again" 

i'm think about benrey begging gordon to stop, so he does, to check if this is a Forreal stop or a "hahah nooo~" stop, and benrey asks him through gasps to keep fucking tickling him (except he just says smth to the effect of ."gh.. ....keep doing it dude wuhdah hell...") and gordon gets an evil fucking grin and just feels on top of the world "yeah?? think you can handle it, huh???" and just destroys him. benrey thinks about gordon's horny manic face for weeks 

neither of them had a thing for this before this point but the combination of feeling like hes being tickled and gordons hands on him for the first time making him mad horny gives benrey a brand new fucking fetish. gordons manic fucking face im so glad we are on the same wavelength about that

i truly hate my own posts. incurable. diseased

[ghoulkillz]

☆Come on ! Talk !

𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘦 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘊𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘒𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘺𝘢𝘮𝘢 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘖𝘪𝘬𝘢𝘸𝘢'𝘴 𝘚/𝘖 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢 𝘧𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵? 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘶, 𝘐 𝘭𝘶𝘷 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘦𝘩𝘦🥺🥺 (𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘰 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘮 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘢𝘺 <𝟥 )

a/n: i live for angst

✧okay so like oikawa tooru is a very jealous caring boyfriend

✧he suchs a caring boyfriend that he looks out for you

✧you know? the simple, if you look at my girlfriend in that way- ha ! i will break your nose :DD

✧hes- okay fine

✧he might not show it but hes super insecure about himself and doesnt want to loose you for someone better okay :’(

✧he acts cocky and all but hes deeply scared and doesn’t want to the thought of you finding him boring or not worth dating anymore

✧which is why he  possessives looks out for you

✧so when he sees you talking to this one person he doesnt like

✧he throws a fit

✧HE KNOWS that this person just wants to get in your pants

✧but due to his pride he-

✧he bottles it up

✧in his mind hes probs thinking : they’ll go away ^___^

✧so when he sees you hugging them,,,

✧hurt just pure in pain

✧but smile thru the pain :D

✧so when you go and hug him from behind, he acts like he’s fine

✧this goes on for like 3 months until

✧he,,, HE JUST SEES YOU PLAY WITH THEIR HAIR

✧he cracks- why?

✧BECAUSE THATS YOUR THING THAT MAKES HIM ADORE YOU

✧he drags you out of their arms, waking you up

✧cue some ✨angst✨

✧here you are defending yourself saying “they’re a friend and they just soft like that”

✧and then oikawa hits with you “oh then its okay for me to flirt with my fangirls if thats the case then huh?

✧that hurts? but he did have a point

✧BUT YOU DIDNT LISTEN AND KEEP ARUGING OMFG

✧so he gets tired of your shit and leaves.

✧you think: pfft he’ll come back

✧plus you’ll ignore him tmmr

✧play your cards right, y/n. oikawa is clingy

✧deadass after he went home he started texting you

✧and you ofc, leave him on read <3

Oikawa waits for you outside of the school. He was waiting for you for nearly 16 minutes. Nothing. He knows he shouldn't have said that. BUT YOU WERE TOO CLOSE WITH THEM HOW COULD HE NOT-. No oikawa, calm down, they’ll forgive you ^__^ !. He even bought you your favorite snack and favorite hoodie you love to wear. What could he go wrong?

When he sees you and yells out your name “Y/N, LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT YOU” with the biggest smile on his face, it slowly drops when you walk inside. He watches you- his heart hurts. WAIT NO, ARE YOU GOING TO BREAK UP WITH HIM? OIKAWA CALM DOWN !. 

He keeps following you, trying to talk with you. But you simply just. Not look at him. It hurts. When he sees you go in the bathroom he slowly sigh to himself. He’ll talk to you at lunch. YEAH ! lunch it is :D !

Not going as planned. You're just talking to iwa ! the ! whole ! time ! >:(. Again after again he tries so hard  to talk to you. But as much he tried, you were saved by the bell. You almost gave up the act. Oikawa brown eyes just looking at you everytime you walk by just aches your heart.

This went on for a week. No talking, not even listening to him. HE’S NOT SAYING SORRY EITHER. God, why is he so stubborn and dumb. Maybe if he just apologizes, you would have both been holding hands now >:(. You even stopped talking to the person !

After school you start packing your stuff and start heading outside. Walking home, you keep thinking about the billion text messages he sent.  And there he is again. Outside of your house. Alone and sad eyes. He’s playing with his fingers again. Yep it's time to forgive him. 

You walk towards him “Y/N, PLEASE JUST LISTEN TO ME, IM SO SO SORRY FOR SAYING THAT DUMB SHIT TO YOU” He wants to hug you so badly right now. “Please if you want to break up with me i understand but-”

“Woah woah, who said i was gonna break up with you?” “Y/N YOU TALKED OH MY GOD” oikawa screams as he wraps his arounds around you. “I really am sorry for hurting you, i shouldn't have made you feel bad for talking to your friends its just-”

“Tooru, its okay! Just don't say it again” “so does that mean i can kiss you right” “no. no it does not” You giggle as oikawa grumbles

✧okay so angry boi >:(

✧this mans just

✧only thinks about volleyball okay

✧not even other stuff like eating or idk

✧SPENDING TIME WITH HIS S/O

✧like helloo?? does the name y/n ring a bell

✧okay so toxic!kageyama is just.

✧um, not understanding at all or even try to

✧like youre his s/o why arent you supporting him

✧like kageyama, they are supporting you but you have to do the same bby

✧like you talk about your favorite things and hes like “oh thats cool”

✧no flavor, no interest at ALL !

✧its almost like he’s dating himself you know?

✧he cant wait for you but you have to wait for him for EVERYTHING

✧dates, school, pratice even napping together

✧and once you bring it up

✧he just

✧?? argues

✧not only argues but is really fucking mean too

✧you seen him get mad and all

✧just not with you

✧and hes all puff puff

✧he mostly doesnt mean anything he says AT all

✧but like omg-

“Y/n why are you being like this” Kageyama stops in front of you “You know i didn’t mean it” You roll your eyes and walk away. IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. Fuck him and his volleyball. He really did hurt you and expect to just smile? No fucking way.

Man, kageyama just can't get you. You were being honest and now you can't take him being honest. You're so frustrating and ugh. Hinata sees him down and asks why, while in practice. Oh god then comes the whole team,,, great. Hinata big mouth once again just had to be loud

Oh? Is the great king gonna lose his queen? I wouldn't be surprised” The old gremlin tsukishima just had to speak huh. Now kageyama is even more annoyed. “Maybe you should just listen to them more, i mean you do care about them right? Daichi looked at kageyama“I do care but i don't understand why they got all mad” “Repeat what you said” “i said all they do is bitch and whine” Silence. Just silence. 

Then the team was coming for kageyama and his dumbness “Wow king, i knew you bad, but not this bad” tsukishima snorts “Poor y/n, they have to deal with the king”

“Fuck off” Kageyama’s even more annoyed now. “Try clearing it up today, i don't know, buy her flowers or her favorite things” Daichi the wise one was making sense in kageyama dense brain

“Unless you want y/n to not talk to you for the rest of your life tobio” Sugawara teased himNot talking to you? For the rest of his life? Nope ! not gonna happen. He rushed outside the practice doors to buy you your favorite stuff. Then rushed his way to your house. He was banging and ringing your bell like a maniac. 

For what seemed like hours was actually like 3 minutes, you finally opened the door. “Kageyama-” “LISTEN I WILL BE A BETTER BOYFRIEND BUT DONT STOP TALKING TO ME EVER” He gets on his knees and holds your feet “please forgive me, i love you so much i can't not tell you how much you make me happy” and then he cries softly

“Kageyama” you rub his back “I’m so sorry, I will never say that ever again, I promise you” he looks up with tears in his eyes. 

[littlebigafterdark]

I'm feeling in a particular mood for some more Logan stuff, (totally not my comfort character who unfortunately is a medium for a lot of angst /s) so maybe the almost-relapse?

the littles accidentally trigger logan's ED (janus and patton help him thru it)

This is a copy pastd from a really long message i sent to liv a few weeks ago, just in case the grammar is weird or somethin!

oOo

context: whenever roman is a brat and refuses to eat dinner, logan gets noticeably more frustrated than with any other bratty behaviour because it hits too close to home to his eating disorder

so...

one day when patton is out somewhere, maybe at his carpentry class ((thats actually slightly spoilers for a big concept for the main blog lol)), logan has both the littles

and roman is bratty and refuses to eat dinner and logan breathes evenly and tries not to worry abt it bc he KNOWS roman always eats, hes just doing it to be annoying, breathe, he isnt actually restricting its ok

and logan was literally holding the baby fork up to vees mouth and suddenly she giggles and pushes it away

"come on baby, yummy time" logan coos and smiles a little but he doesnt feel it, and with his other hand he tickles lightly under vees chin and she giggles and logan smiles and goes to feed her again

but she pushes the fork away and babbles "mo bima!"

and roman laughs "yeah, no dinner! no dinner!" and bounces

and logan is feeling rlly shaky and hot suddenly and swallows thickly and ignores roman, and keeps looking at vee "princess, please open up," trying not to pay attention to how shaky his voice is. "its papa's spaghetti remember? yummy" he nods enthusiastically and goes to feed her again

but again vee just giggles all squeaky and pushes the fork away and looks at roman with a big smile for his approval. and roman is like "yeah vee! rebellion!!!" still so playful

but he hasnt noticed logans chest is heaving a little and hes staring at where vee pushed the fork away and logan was too shaky not to drop it on the floor.

and he looks up at vee and how small she is and how shes genuinely on the lower end of average weight and they need to make sure she doesnt dip down into underweight and thinks about how terrified he is of the idea that if she did develop an ED like he did it would be so dangerous and he cant see his baby go through that and-

it just hits him so so so harshly and hes suddenly crying and roman and vee freeze and look at him. and he hurriedly wipes away his tears and breathes shakily and tries to say again

"vee pl-please just ea--" and his throat closes up, he cant even say the word 'eat' and he gags on his tears and jumps up from his chair to run out to the downstairs bathroom and locks himself in trying to calm down and stop gagging.

and he can hear vee crying and roman - adult now - promising her its okay, mama feels a bit sicky but everythings okay, lets phone nana, its ok baby

and logan is breathing too fast and shaking and crying with his back against the bathroom door, not gagging anymore, but unable to take himself outside

. he hears roman feeding vee, and vee giggling and clearly enjoying the food, but no matter how comforting that is to hear he cant get over that genuine terror he felt when vee refused to eat, its his worst nightmare for vee to develop disordered eating - for any of them, but vee is already very thin and it could be critical, and logan cant get over that

when janus arrives (barely ten minutes later, he must have jumped in the car straight away which is only used for emergencies bc of janus' partial blindness) he speaks quietly to roman, and of course theyre trying to be subtle

but the kitchen is only across the hall from the bathroom and logan hears every word of roman explaining what happened and how confusing it was and how patton wont be home for another forty five minutes and roman didnt want either vee or logan to be alone but they probably shouldnt be around each other right now since vee gets so upset when the others arent happy

roman tries to talk to logan first through the bathroom door, apologising for misbehaving and promising he wont do that again. but can logan tell him what exactly was so bad about it this time? so roman can not do whatever it is in future.

but logan cant bring himself to say anything. he cant tell roman about this at least not yet he hasnt felt ready yet even if its been years and he doesnt know if he ever will be ready to tell roman about his ED

so after realising logan wont talk to him, roman swaps with janus. janus doesnt know the details but he knows theres something about logan and eating and hes made an educated guess from all the fibs hes heard over the years.

"hey, dic" (janus' unsavoury nickname for logan that he insists is just short for dictionary) "do you need a glass of water?"

logans throat is actually dry from hyperventilating and he says with a quiet scratchy voice through the door "yes please"

and when janus brings it to the door he just knocks gently and when logan opens the door to accept it janus doesnt make any comment on logans messy hair where hes run his hand through it or on his glassy red rimmed eyes or on the tremble of his fingers. but he does say "i know it must be so cozy in there" he nods to the cramped cold bathroom "but you might just prefer it in your room"

logan flushes a little and nods, comes out of the bathroom and heads to the stairs, but he pauses at the bottom of the stairs thinking... he doesnt know if he can be trusted alone upstairs. theres another bathroom up there and the gagging has made his stomach churn and he feels FULL from dinner and if only he emptied it then maybe he would feel better right? .... no

so he rasps without turning back to janus "i... i cant be alone"

"look behind you, idiot" janus says and its far closer than logan remembered him being.

he whips his head round to see janus was following closely behind him. janus raises a pierced eyebrow "well, are we going to stand in the stairway all night?" and of course its snarky but its soft too

so logan breathes deeply and they go upstairs to his room. janus makes himself at home, immediately grabbing a book from logans book case and collapsing sideways in logans armchair as soon as they stepped in the room. logan reclines on his bed and sips his water and does breathing exercises and tries to not feel humiliated about this breakdown

every time logan tries to apologise for disturbing janus' evening (he didnt) or asks if janus is sure roman is grownup enough to look after vee appropriately (he is) or insists that he is okay to be left alone now (he's not) janus just murmurs "shut up im reading"

when patton gets back roman just tells him logan isnt feeling good and patton hurries up to see him - and upon seeing his husband logan is overcome by shame that he almost relapsed and relief that his best friend is here and a wave of tears that he tries and fails to blink away

and janus just quietly bids them good night and promises he'll stay a couple hours to keep roman and vee company, but patton insists he stays the night in pattons room (its not safe for him to drive in thr dark) and janus is used to this routine by now that he knows where the spare pillows are

so janus leaves quietly and logan croaks "thanks, old man" trying to sound casual but regretting it when his voice shakes. janus just holds up a peace sign and closes logans door behind him on the way out.

as soon as the door closes logans face crumples and he hides his eyes behind his arm and patton practically bounds over to logan and climbs onto bed next to him and cradles logans head to his shoulder as he cries

they stay like that, cuddling in bed, patton cradling logans head and kissing the nape of his neck and wrapping his arm around logans waist to spoon him and whisper about what happened and how they can avoid it in future

but mainly they just breathe and cry together and patton fills the hours with soft affirmations of love and getting logan a tea and promising its okay if logan wants a cookie with it but logan says maybe later (later turns out to be 2:30 in the morning but at least it really was later)

they barely sleep that night but its all comfort and talking and by morning despite being exhausted, logan feels safer and breakfast goes by without a hitch

oOo

just some notes me and liv made that i think highlights some main points:

logan struggling so much even when he knows that the kids are just playing around and they don't really mean that they don't want to eat, but it's just one of those things that inevitably hits too close to home

it just suddenly hit him! like any other day he can cope with roman doing that, its a small blip usually, but the fact that VEE started refusing food freaked logan out so much bc they genuinely have to keep an eye on her weight just bc shes naturally so small

his emotions about his history with an ED plus his overprotective mama cg space making him nearly go into a panic attack from the thought that vee could develop an ED is very sad and very true

and janus coming right away!! and he and roman handle the siatuation so well, like roman was so smart knowing not to leave logan alone, and janus calling him dic and taking him to his room and staying there until patton gets back

and him crying from just seeing patton because he's his best friend and he can be vulnerable around him is very :'c <3

hes so so relieved to see patton but theres also the slightests "ive let my husband down" bc he thinks bc patton helped him so much he owes it to patton to not relapse - but of course pat reassures him its natural to relapse but he didnt! he caught it in the early stages and asked for help and patton is never disappointed in him

he caught it!!! he caught it and he stopped himself and he let himself be helped by both roman and janus and patton and he didn't even relapse!! and this whole thing is really a sign of how far he's come that he was able to accept their help in his vulnerable state, even if roman and janus didn't have the full story, they still wanted to help him through whatever he was experiencing