#me thinking black eyed peas’ don’t phunk with my heart is one of the best pop songs ever written

[stonechild]

something about the 2000s really was so special. but it’s actually the same as any other time but i was still a child

[in-superbloom]

8 songs, 8 rules (or something)

RULES: 8 song prompts & tag 8 people

hai hai so @bandsanitizer tagged me to do this lil fun game so here we are <3 alison i can't explain how much i love opportunities to talk about my music so pls just feel the soul crushing hug i'm sending you right now 💜

also i'm completely incapable of choosing only one thing for anything ever – let alone music, so enjoy this catalogue of all over the place songs with a lot of unsolicited commentary <3 also all links are from spotify because i don't support iphone supremacy <3

anna from the future came to say: this got way too long, so i'll put it under the cut & i'm sorry in advance if you're reading this and pls know you don't have to read it at all, i won't blame you 👁👄👁

1. favorite song at the moment.

oh man. gotta say starting line by our resident sad boi hemmo ofc. it hasn't left my head since i first listened to it & i'm honestly still digesting it 🥺 but also ! can't not mention my main men <3 wrecked by imagine dragons also just came out and already managed to give me way too many breakdowns which is completely uncalled for but i can't complain 💜

2. a song you associate with your favorite ship.

which one 👁👄👁 i have so many favorite ships that i just stopped keeping track of them lmao but like, i don't really know? i used to associate songs with ships a LOT when i was younger but it's been a while since i did it. so let me check.

oh boy okay, alison mentioned glee which reminded me of klaine and the amount of love i have for these stupid lil gay men. the song that immediately stands out for me is teenage dream (acoustic) which yes it's the katy perry song but like. big big sad. i literally can't listen to it without wanting to cry. if you know the context, you know. and if you do, i'm sorry </3 this is not my absolute favorite ship ever but it's the one i relate with music the most, so let's leave it there or else this will get way too long lmao but also ! all you need is love 💖

3. a song that could be about you.

ehhh i have a whole playlist of these. like. over 100 songs. so let me pick 😌 okay there's too many so let me list them or else i'll end up talking too much about each one:

hear me - imagine dragons (13-years-old me cried over this on a weekly basis no joke) // clean - taylor swift (no link bc we're waiting for the taylor's version) // my kind - alessia cara // body - julia michaels // matter of time (interlude) - ashton irwin // memórias - pitty bc this woman singlehandedly built half of my personality so i gotta mention her <3

4. a song that you think is underrated.

look i might make a whole playlist for this someday, but for now i'll list artists that i think are underrated with my current favorite song from them:

honest - mali-koa // bardot - raffaella // i like myself (most of the time) - k.flay // get high - herizen // breaking my bones - friday pilots club

and honestly? my man ashton irwin does not get enough credit for the masterpiece that is superbloom and i'll never shut up about it <3 i know 5sos is not really underrated but i think we all know how things would play out if/when all the boys release a solo album, and we're getting a taste of that now, so yeah. gotta praise my main man <3

5. a song that reminds you of a good memory.

very unsurprisingly there isn't many for this category bc unfortunately my brain mainly associates songs with bad moments in my life 🥴 however, i will say more than words by extreme bc it reminds me of my babe/soulmate/love of my life @bluesdelis and of the best month of my life hands down. not much context for this one bc it's too damn special and personal but it's our song™ so yeah <3 (but i also almost put the glee version <3 love you tho 😌🖤)

6. the last song you listened to.

brutal - olivia rodrigo, shocking i know 😌 it was playing from my disco cowgirl playlist while i showered <3

7. a song that makes you laugh.

at this point almost anything from glee, especially if it's from season 4-5 lmao (why glee won't leave my head, alison this is your fault) but i already talked about them so let's go with don't phunk with my heart by the black eyed peas bc this song is absolutely ridiculous & i love it 💖

8. A song you want your mutuals to listen to.

all of the songs mentioned above <3 😌 but let me leave one from my new favorite band (thank you kaykay): hush - the marías ❤ so in love with this album 🥺

tagging: @bluesdelis @suchalonelysunflower @wastelandcth @ijustdontlikepeople @mulletcal @littledrummerangie @aintmyjewelry @talkfastromance4 💜 (i have no idea at all of who already did this so i'm sorry if you have !! but if you haven't, no pressure at all !! <3 and if you see this & wanna do it then i'm tagging you 😌 pls do it & tag me bc i love to take a peak at people's personality through their music <3)

also if you've read all of this? i love the shit out of you 💜 and i'm sending you the warmest hug and a tender forehead kiss 😚💓 here have a candy too 🍬

[bookaddict24-7]

MUSIC MONDAYS:

A series where I recommend a book, review it, and create a short playlist to give a sense of what the book is about.

This review may contain spoilers.

Disclaimer: I received a copy via Edelweiss in exchange for an honest review.

This week’s feature is a book that had me on all kinds of emotional roller coasters. On one hand, I was a naive reader and I thought I knew what was best for the characters, but on the other hand, I was also a frustrated reader because of the protagonist’s at times naive behaviour. But I learned quickly that this book wasn’t just about the awful events that Mafi’s character’s suffer, it’s about finding and believing the hope that not everyone you meet is going to be a jerk; it’s about finding a reason to hope that perhaps certain people deserve more credit than we initially give them. 

A Very Large Expanse of Sea by Tahereh Mafi is a powerful story set in 2002, one year after the events of 9/11. While there have been many novels about the after-effects of that tragic day, Mafi manages to write a memorable novel about a teenage American Muslim girl trying to find her path in a brand new high school. Shirin is pretty sure that the best way to protect herself is to expect the worst from the strangers around her. After all, they judge her when they first meet her, right? Until one boy seemingly doesn’t and his interest could offer Shirin a new perspective. What could happen if she allows herself to fall for someone the rest of the world doesn’t see fit for her? What could happen if her protective walls start to come down? 

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I really enjoyed this. Hell, I will be recommending this to the readers coming into the bookstore until I go blue. But, with that being said, this wasn’t a perfect read. I’ll get my big negative point out of the way so I can fangirl about the things I did love about this book. 

My biggest concern is the portrayal of Ocean. While I can see the way his imperfect character learns some vital lessons due to the way he is portrayed, I am also slightly disappointed that he was shown as such a “perfect” white male character. He was a very good™ character, despite his troubled past. It’s literally one of his characteristics. While I can understand the importance of having someone who sees the world that way Ocean does in a book like this one, it was done in a very unrealistic way. No one is that naive, especially in 2002. Even those who hope for the best from humanity have to have seen the tension growing in the States between the different citizens. I am privileged because I did not experience the wave of hate that came on the heels of 9/11. However, my mother dated an asshole before she met my stepdad and he was from NYC. When he was visiting us here in Canada, he yelled some pretty racist stuff to people who were minding their own business. 

I personally didn’t experience the hate so many lived with in the early 2000′s and the hate that so many still live with now, but in that brief moment I saw how someone that I once thought was cool could hide such a darker side. It was a lesson I never forgot and I can still remember where we were and how he looked yelling that disgusting crap out of our car window. 

My point with this digression is that while I can understand Ocean’s purpose in this book--because Shirin is understandably jaded and careful and we need a character to show her that hope still exists--but his over-the-top naïveté and wishful ignorance made it hard for me to completely fall into the story whenever his “goodness” was mentioned. 

For all of his annoyingly chipper behaviour, Ocean does grow in this novel. He learns to hope, but it comes at a price. While I wasn’t a fan of how he is presented in this novel, I did feel for him and his experiences. Having your positivity thrown in your face isn’t a great experience. 

With all of that being said, however, the rest of the book was just incredible. At first, I didn’t know how to feel about Shirin. I will admit that I became a victim of my own opinions and tried to place my expectations on her. She was a very careful character who knew her own world much better than I did. I fell into the trap of expecting certain things from her, but was happy to experience Shirin’s growth into a character far beyond what I expected her to be. Don’t get me wrong, Shirin was at times naive not unlike Ocean. However, he expected the best and she expected the worst. This at times also grated on my nerves because I wanted her to at least try. 

One of the great things I loved about this book was how Shirin grew to have hope. In a story where so many bad things happen to her because of who she loves, what her beliefs are, and how she looks, it’s incredible to see her grow into a person who is ready to take on the future. Also, I admired how important it was to her to remain true to her identity. She didn’t let the bullying, or the anger thrown at her dissuade her from her beliefs. 

Another interesting point was the comment on how fickle young minds can be. It’s interesting because of how true it is to see how some teenagers follow the pack mind, but most move on until their actions become a regrettable memory. There’s a point where Shirin even comments on how weird her classmates are when their opinions waver and change in certain situations. Even this message gives the reader a sense of hope because it shows that swaying public opinion isn’t as impossible as we might think it is. 

Also, I’m just throwing this in here because it’s still a point of interest in 2018: the double-standard on how boys are raised compared to how girls are raised. The leniency that Shirin’s brother is shown in regards to dating, going out, and the rules is staggering in comparison to Shirin’s own rules. Thankfully, it wasn’t an impossible hurdle for Shirin’s story, but it was something mentioned and I wasn’t entirely surprised to see that we’re still struggling with this today. 

One other topic I want to mention before I finish is that of Shirin’s parents. The differences between immigrant parents who’ve strived for a better life for their families and the children who grew up in the new country was not lost on me. Shirin’s allusions to her parents’ dark pasts made me incredibly sad for Shirin and her brother. I personally believe that everyone has their own struggles. It doesn’t matter how large my struggle is compared to the next person--everyone has a struggle. To tell your children that their struggles aren’t important or as impossible to overcome because they didn’t grow up in a war-torn country is deeply disheartening. Especially when those struggles include racism and physical abuse at the hands of people full of hate. Like many other things in this book, this broke my heart. 

Putting aside all of the sadness, this was a beautifully written book. I fell in love with Mafi’s writing through her middle grade series and I was a tiny bit hesitant going into this one. I was very happy to see that I still enjoy her writing!

 But like other important Young Adult novels coming out recently, I think this is an important book to read. It may not be set in our present time, but it is set in one of the most recent dark times in our history. Racism is always a dark subject to read about, but it’s also something that needs to be talked about. Mafi’s book is something that everyone should aspire to read, if not for the incredible messages of hope and growth and understanding, then for the jarring realities of what it was like to be a young Muslim woman in 2002. 

My Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

Age Recommendation: 13+

Genres: Contemporary, Romance, Racism 

Add it to your Goodreads here.

See the playlist on Spotify here.

The Playlist & Why I Chose this Music:

1. What A Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong

This is the kind of song that is played when we want to remember that though the world may look like crap, there are still things and people who are worth the fight to make the world a better place. Also, this song goes back to the theme of hope. 

2. Don’t Phunk With My Heart by The Black Eyed Peas

So, because this is set a year before I started high school (it’s...been a while), I went ahead and reconnected with a bunch of songs from my teenage years. Anyway, the lyrics to this song remind me of Ocean’s struggle in trying to get Shirin to admit she’s into him. That boy’s heart took a beating in this book. 

3. Lose Control (FT. Ciara & Fat Man Scoop) by Missy Elliott

Shirin and her brother are badass breakdancers. If you’ve ever heard this song, then you know that the lyrics and the beat will immediately make you want to dance. This song connects us to Shirin’s surprisingly fun and cool side. 

4. What You Waiting For? by Gwen Stefani

While one of the songs chosen was for Ocean’s poor heart, this song is for Shirin’s scared heart. She wants something that she’s afraid will destroy her world, but she has to be prepared to take a chance first. 

5. White America by Eminem

This song is pretty self-explanatory. I know this is a controversial choice, but I honestly thought of this song first when it came time to choosing a playlist. Eminem’s lyrics and uncensored observations touch on some of the issues explored in Mafi’s novel. 

6. No Surprises by Radiohead

There’s a moment in the book where we get to see some of Shirin’s music. This song was on the playlist she had created and I thought it was fitting to include it in my fan playlist. I always like including songs that the characters themselves reference. 

7. Mr. Brightside by The Killers

This is all of Ocean’s sunny disposition and his unrealistic expectations of the world around him. While the lyrics themselves don’t correlate with Ocean and Shirin’s relationship, the ironic title of the song and the darker undertones of the seemingly chipper beat shows that things aren’t always what they seem. Ocean learns a lot from his experiences and this song shows a man who is learning to not be Mr. Brightside.

Have you read this book yet? Would you recommend it?

Happy reading!

[laurasauras]

Monkey Business songs rated by me

Monkey Business is The Black Eyed Peas’ second album, and their best. why did i do this? no idea, i should be working on a uni assignment. oh hey, that’s why. press j to skip to the end, tumblr tip!

Pump It: what a fucking banger of a song to start an album with. hit me with that wild west guitar feel right out of the gate and then a very easy and respectable call to action: pump it. louder. i will, BEP, i will. will.i.am’s raps are fucking F.R.E.S.H fresh (not to downplay apl de ap, also fresh af), true to claim. they got harmonies up in this bitch, and they work it so well. 10/10 will listen to at any opportunity, excellent addition to a get psyched playlist.

Don’t Phunk With My Heart: oh god, that smooth transition from one song to a next :ok_hand:. one of the greatest features of the album. fergie fucking owns it, will.i.am steals the show as per usual, but god damn the stand out is the verse where will.i.am rhymes six damn things in a row, ending with “that’s why you don’t believe, uh, woah, yeah, check it out”. fucking awesome. 10/10 classic BEP

My Style: i wasnt a fan of this when i was 11 and listening to the album for the first time. i was a fool. this is a groooove. more low-key than the first two, but a very welcome chance to catch your breath. justin timberlake is on this, i honestly didn’t know that, what a great guy. (what did i think the line “jt is rocking a beat with us” was refering to? we’ll never know.) 8/10 solid song, i do like your style.

Don’t Lie: still keeping it chill, BEP knows that a good album has peaks and troughs so you don’t get exhausted. in saying that, even though the tempo is more chill, those raps are smooooth and sound effortless. they are not effortless. and fergie rocking it, damn girl. i kinda love that this is from the perspective of a guy that knows that his lying is hurting his partner and he doesn’t want to do that, but he just ... can’t. 9/10 happy to hear it.

My Humps: oh god, best song. 11 y/o laura was uncomfortable with the bold sexual confidence, current laura fucking loves it. own the fuck out of your lady lumps, fergie. the lyrics are patently ridiculous, they’re so fun it’s ironic, but that inescapable heart-beat bass keeps it sexy. it is impossible not to feel delighted while singing this. impossible. (you might think it’s over ... but then you have a full minute of chill piano and the lyrics “so real” to sit through. are they assuring us that fergie’s boobs are real? i fucking love this song.) 11/10 love drunk off this hump.

Like That: such a bop. god damn. such a bop. rhymes on point, solid beat. this is the kind of jam that reminds me that Elephunk was a good album too. classic hip hop, perfect raps. apl de ap has a chance to shine, but god damn will.i.am. god damn. you don’t need to be this awesome. but you are. 10/10 no doubt.

Dum Diddly: actually my favourite song. it just has this vibe! the peak of energy on this song. fergie just damn. i think this was the first song that i heard where a woman was inescapably badass. like, i was tentatively rapping along with the other songs, i get to dum diddly and i see that holy shit, if she can do that tongue twister that fast you can be damn sure that i’m gonna own the fuck out of all of it. it’s so fucking fun. 12/10 and the scale is broken.

Feel It: i’ve never heard this at a party, and that’s a crime. i can feel it in my body. deep bass down to the bones, a+ song to have a cheeky grind on the dancefloor to. for casual listening ... it just doesn’t quite have the same intensity as the rest of the album. 7/10 but excellent transition to ...

Gone Going: considering what a change of pace this is, it just works so fucking well. jack fucking johnson features on this. as in banana pancakes. and it works. his choruses perfectly capture the haunting story that will.i.am tells in brutally real raps, contrasting the almost spiteful feel with gentle dismay. god damn, sometimes i forget how very opposed black eyed peas were to selling out. you know. for reasons. (that might not be fair, just because they got successful doesn’t mean they chose money over their values. just sayin’, their music got a lot more top 40 and a lot less stick it to the man after they “made it”.) 10/10 can’t believe i’m having an emotional response, but here we are.

They Don’t Want Music: bop bop bop. talk about feeling a song, this one sneaks behind your sternum and replaces your heart beat with that heavy bass on multiple occasions. it’s so funky. it’s a love letter to all the amazing black musicians who must have been an influence on their hip hop style all without sacrificing their unique voice that’s present this whole album. and it slam dunks. 10/10, we need that funky horn.

Disco Club: this is a sexy song. i mean, let’s be real, i’m here for the clever lyricism and rapid-fire raps, but this is still good! fergie finally raps back! strong feels, but i’m not jamming with it as much as i want to. 7/10 still would put it on a playlist to set a mood.

Bebot: fuck yes apl de ap. fuck yes rapping in filipino. fuck yes. this is the only song i can’t sing along perfectly to, and while i’m totally cool with approximating other languages in songs, it’s actually because every time i hear it i get so caught up in listening to it that i forget to attempt it. 10/10 own that shit.

Ba Bump: SEXY song. actually the sexiest jam on the album. it has a rhythm that makes you want to move your hips in a very nsfw fashion. that or ... like a fight scene to this would blow my fucking mind. god that dirty brass, it’s amazing. fergie actually sounds like sex in this. i’m not joking. swoon. 10/10 i feel like they’re talking dirty to me and it’s working.

Audio Delite at Low Fidelity: man, i need a break. i need this. i need this song so that i can recover. not to say this isn’t a good song, but it’s not a banger. i love how BEP just randomly switches tone halfway through some of these songs as if they’ve stitched two songs together. 6/10 i wouldn’t listen to it on its own but i’m glad it’s here.

Union: imagine the message from where is the love, just even more catchy and boppy. yeah, let’s live in unison. i fucking love this. so good, one for all and all for one, fuck yes. and it’s such a good song. smooth and boppy in equal parts and shfudlijkzc i actually can’t deal with how much i love this. i don’t know what that instrument is but it’s fun af to listen to. LISTEN TO THIS ONE. like, the others are good songs, this is a fucking call to action and it’s worth following. 15/10 excellent song, even better message.

yeah, so i really like this album. first concert i ever went to, still holds up.

[mahistrado-blog]

i will tell you about selfish people ; g, 1.7k ; mikael/adam

mmmmmhmmmmmm. ao3 luvin~

mikael has always been selfish in a quiet kind of way. he’s so mild mannered and loving that no one notices until it’s too late and they’re right in the middle of it. it comes out in ugly spurts when he gets into one of his moods; these long, unattractively overdrawn spells of subtle dissent that lapse into deeply satisfying sulks. the satisfying part is when people ask him what’s wrong too delicately, or try to make jokes, or try to distract him at all from the fact that he feels bad for no good reason at all, and he can snap at them and let a little bit of the ugliness out.

even was particularly good at handling the moods, steering completely clear once he noticed the dissenting start in and appearing almost instantly when the sulk reached the peak with a shit movie that even probably loved and that also absolutely demanded to be mocked. he always brought a sweet, hot drink that he didn’t ever offer to mikael, just set it near and slouched into place next to him on the couch with a computer propped up on his knees.

the rotten parts of him would drain out as he critiqued every bit of the film, from the cinematography to the speed of the roll of the credits, slowly reaching out to sip on the drink even offered in his passive way, and leaning over in his excitement to point out the unnecessary abrupt scene cut or something and stays pressed solidly into even’s side, warm smile back in place.

even’s gone now, to nissen, to be gay, or whatever. mikael thinks that mostly he’s gone to be a coward, but he doesn’t say that to anyone, especially after sonja tells him about his mental illness quietly in the dark outside on the stoop of his building, months and months after even had gone. but he still thinks it.

it’s been almost a year now, and he’s over the whole thing until he sees even again and gets punched, he guesses. his pride makes him reluctant to call it a punch, the kid behind it having clearly spent a lifetime running his mouth and hiding behind people bigger than him who he’d tricked into protecting him. he sees a little bit of himself in that kid, and the thought makes him mad and stays.

 the week following passes with an unrelenting twist in his stomach. he knows the boys have been taking it in rotation, trying to draw him out of his funk without getting burned too much themselves. it was elias first, then yousef. mutta, most recently, sucked the least, dragging him out to the soccer field and kicking balls at him until he had no choice but to lob them back at him.

he shouldn’t like the way it feels to reject them when they care enough to try and cheer him up. but he likes seeing that they love him enough to keep trying. that’s the selfish part.

* 

adam has always gotten lost in a loud sort of way. it’s like, when he shouts a joke over top of the din and makes everyone crack up laughing: no one remembers who said the joke later, it just gets passed around until they all own it. it’s because the best parts of him come out when everyone is most excited, and you know, he likes that about himself. the boys all say he’s that thing that makes the whole thing go – the catalyzing factor of their particular brand of dumbassery, and he’s proud of that.

but it’s been different since even left. the whole thing was complete shit, obviously, and the worst of it was the fucking weird way that they all tiptoed around each other for a while, stopped piling together on the couch, arms length between each of the boys filling the bakkoush living room with space they never needed or asked for.

anyway, adam thought it was mad dumb, since they all knew mikael wasn’t pissed that even had tried to kiss him. so one day he thought fuck it, and dropped down onto the couch practically in mikael’s lap, put his hand into the soft hair at the base of mikael’s neck, pressed his nose into his temple affectionately. 

and yeah, it could be argued that he hadn’t stopped since then. no homo, but that urge to yell his way into the conversation all but dissolved now that he knew he could lean over and murmur his jokes to mikael, and the little laugh, just the tuck of his chin, was just as satisfying as getting attention from the rest of the squad.

yeah so, they saved him for last in the fix mikael parade and he had to admit, he felt up to the challenge.

 *

“yo yo yo,” adam says, pushing into his room and flopping onto the bed without waiting for acknowledgement from mikael. mikael doesn’t respond, just continues scrolling through his facebook newsfeed. he’s deep into the sulk, the kind that won’t lift for anything.

 adam scoots up until he can sit up against the headboard and closer until his hip presses against mikael’s shoulder where he’s laying. he stares over mikael’s shoulder as he scrolls and scrolls, eyes glazed over and vacant as he takes it in. 

 “it’s all just so stupid,” mikael says, and he knows it’s a hypocritical thing to say as he rounds out his third day of pouting over nothing.

 “it’s meaningless, all of it. like do you think,” he gestures loosely with one hand, tilting his chin up vaguely towards adam. “astrid really gives a fuck about the victims of the attack in london.” 

“oh abso-fucking-lutely, my friend,” adam says lightly, pushing mikael’s hair back out of his face. “what’s that poetry she’s posting there? black eyed peas? she’s just wondering where the love is.”

“whatever,” mikael says, but he turns his face into the touch a little. adam touches him in a gentle way that his actual personality never is, and he’s noticed without trying to that it’s gentle in a way that he doesn’t give to anyone else at all. it’s the selfish part of him that likes that, likes how he can tell that adam likes him better than other people.

 “speaking of black eyed peas,” adam says. “what’s phunking with your heart?”

his american accent is ridiculous, and it makes mikael want to shove adam out of his room, out of his house, out of his life because he’s so embarrassingly fucking fond of it all. the sulk doesn’t want him to smile, but it battles its way onto his face anyway for just a moment while his head is still turned into adam’s palm.

 “elias and yousef gave me a pep talk that lasted an hour long,” he says flatly, lying back against his pillow. “and you’re telling me you’re bringing don’t phunk with my heart?”

 adam shrugs, shit-eating grin on his face as he slides down to be level, turning on his side so his front is pressed along the line of mikael’s body. “i claim efficacy, not finesse.” 

the words are so outside of adam’s usual vocabulary that mikael can’t help but snort, shutting his laptop and turning onto his side to face him. it only barely edges on cruelty. their faces are close now, and he wonders if he was holding out the sulk on purpose, to get to this moment. he hopes not.

*

adam breathes out slowly, grin fading from his face. it doesn’t seem like the time. is now the time? not the time to be smiling, but like, the time that they’re going to talk about the other thing? is there another thing? the world always makes less sense from here, so close to the fine line of mikael’s nose, the soft plane of his face.

he’s been trying not to think about it, the way that the whole thing thing between them had changed without his permission. he remembered a time, vividly, where he could look at mikael and not want his approval. and once he got that, he could remember a time when he didn’t want more than that.

but he doesn’t remember the connecting parts, the parts between no homo and mad homo that stretched between then and now. because that’s what it is, for him at least. he doesn’t know if he knew for sure until right fucking now. but now that he’s here, how could he not? could anyone look at someone like mikael and not? honestly.

he blinks, carefully, like the movement might startle both of them out of the soft equilibrium holding them here. he doesn’t think he’s ever been so careful in his life.

*

“is it because even?” adam asks. “or whatever the fucking twerp’s name was – ivan? isak.”

 his mind draws a blank for a moment, backtracking to when they were actually having a conversation and not – doing whatever was happening before.

“no,” he says, honestly. but, “well. i don’t know. kind of.” the words are coming out but they feel redundant in comparison to the soft hand that adam puts to his waist. it doesn’t matter. it’s over, obviously, the twisting in his stomach taking on a new character.

*

adam threads their fingers together, wriggles the other hand he has tucked underneath his head out a little until he can press the pads of his fingertips against the hard curve of mikael’s temple. mikael thinks that it didn’t feel like this at all when even touched him, thinks fully for the first time that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like other guys.

*

“did you know that they’re dating?” mikael says, and the way he says it makes his eyes soft and the question heavy.

adam watches the sweet way that mikael’s mouth holds language, intentional syllables and white teeth, and says, “it’s chill.”

 “it’s chill,” mikael echoes, but it’s a challenge, maybe. his eyebrows are raised, and there’s a smile on his mouth. adam put that smile there, loves that he put that smile there.

*

when they kiss, it’s like they’d done it before, the newness of it lost to softly murmured commentary into the shell of mikael’s ear, and the tangle of their fingers, and the shared breath of this moment. 

adam’s seeking hands and mikael’s needy heart come together like waking up, the thin barrier between sleep and consciousness almost unrecognizable in early morning light.