#me so i dont see her very much. anyway it was good to be unplugged a bit i dont keep social media on my phone so thats why i wasnt online a

[zemnarihah]

who missed me

[white-eyed-girl]

My personal top 37 for Eurovision 2023 Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 I dont' even know what to say anymore, it has been the most exhausting ESC season ever for me and I just want this Saturday to come and go

11) Italy - song is alright (it actually grew on me in these weeks), Marco is a great singer and a cool guy, but half because I didn't want it to win Sanremo and half because I have actual favourites I'm spending the season worrying to death about, I have exactly zero interest about what happens to Due Vite in Liverpool

10) Moldova - how often does it happen to have two returning artists from the same year? Seeing Pasha and Loreen meet again was so cute! (and the fact that Ivi Adamou was there as well made the whole thing even better asdfghjffg) Anyway lol the song is awesome, Moldova incredibly managed to find a middle ground between genuine ethnodance and the amateurish country fair performance from last year, and I'm happy about it Lautar is also one of the few songs I actually love from 2012 btw, just as an add-on :'' He looks hella fine too but shh

9) United Kingdom - purely and simply a bop, it almost makes me forget how much of a tamarrata* it is asdfghjk As for its chances in Liverpool, if the pre-parties are of any indication, there's no way in hell this will get a top10 like many seem to predict, more like it will be lucky to get out of the bottom 5 :'' (*tamarrata = something camp and cringy and excessive, that sometimes you like exactly because of that lol)

8) Czechia - I usually adore songs with a women-supporting-women narrative, this one is no exception, and it also has a double reading which makes it even cooler I was a bit afraid that if they kept the aesthetic of the video on stage it could end up looking messy and uncoordinated, but luckily they decided to make it tidier and in fact their performance on Tuesday was amazing

7) Austria - This, this is how you do clever and funny This could have ended up being an apocalyptic level of trash but, ironically, the nonsense narrative keeps its feet on the ground Thankfully it seems like it's not a Halo 2.0, though the performance could have used being a lil bit more whimsical and energetic

6) France - I love how this starts tango-ish and then catches rhythm! I have no idea how it will go, France was my winner last year and I never would have imagined an almost last place for them, so yeah :'' I don't think they can snatch the win but I'd be on board with them trying purely because that would mean a new Sweden vs France death match which, like, AAAAAAAAAAAAA

5) Norway - this is the first song from this year I listened to and I'm still bobbing my head from that first time ahah This sounds like a song KEiiNO could have sung, which in my book is always a compliment We'll give her a wagon of points as soon as the commentators let it slip that she's Italian lol

4) Finland - This is me having a drunken dream while also never having been drunk in my whole life :'' Look, I love this song, or it wouldn't be in my top 5, it's a banger, it's fun and it's been stuck in my head since the first time I heard it in the studio version (the live rendition sucks, I know you all know but choose not to acknowledge it c:), I actually like the way it has two very different styles and the moment it leaves the rappish part to basically become the Carameldansen makes me fall from the chair every time It does deserve to do well. Does it deserve to win though? Ehhhh personally no, I don't think this is enough

3) Serbia - This year every time I think I have listened to the most feverdream-ish song of the line-up there comes another right after to prove me wrong lmao This is so weirdly composed, it pulls my nerves right out of me but like in a good way?? The part where Luke starts ''unplugging'' the dancers and his voice becomes low and rough gives me such a fine tingle in the stomach AHHHHH Serbia wants a win and it damn well shows, and maybe it won't happen this year but if they keep this up I don't think they will have to wait for much longer

2) Spain - this is genuinely amazing and I think it grew to be the only song that wouldn't make me want to set fire to the universe if it won in Sweden's place lol just because it's so ethnically artsy and well-sung and it has such sad melancholic good lyrics, plus I think Blanca would actually make a good winner ''Ay child, when I die let them bury me on the moon so that I'll see you every night, every night except one'' Best damn lyrics of the year hands down! This >>>>>>>>>>>>>> booty hypnotic

1) Sweden - The way she claims exactly every bit of the stage that she needs to, the way she shapes sound between her teeth, the desperation in her voice in the final part, the actual tattoo element which is important in her Berber culture, the creativity in the desert environment with both sand and sky, the double reference to the Atlas myth and the Atlas mountains, there's so much cool shit around this even if you don't like the song and so much to be happy about her participating again and so many people are choosing to stay mad for some of the most ridiculous reasons I've ever heard Unbelievable Not to mention that ''it's a song contest!!'' only when it fits their narrative I know she probably won't, it would be way too perfect and eurofans this year have decided that making literal history isn't cool, but IF she does…

[incomingalbatross]

GF Fic: (Insert Time-Related Pun Here)

Having a birthday on the last day of summer was great when you were a kid.

When you were in college and vacation ended somewhere in the last third of August? Not so much.

“Grunkle Ford, I...I don’t think Mabel and I can make it to Gravity Falls,” Dipper confessed, the day before his twenty-second birthday.

“Is it the travel time?” Ford asked from the other end of the phone. “If your usual transportation is too slow, we can call in a favor or two for you kids—I know plenty of entities that would be happy to give you a lift as a birthday present—”

“No, I know, I know,” Dipper said, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “And I really appreciate that, Grunkle Ford, I just...it’s not the travel, it’s being there. The other years we’ve been in college, our birthday was always on a weekend—last year was a Monday, but we spent that year with you guys instead of in school—”

“Thank goodness that seer tipped us off about her vision of 2020!” Ford agreed. “Taking a gap year to sail the Arctic with us was definitely the right decision for you two.”

“Right? Half a semester of online classes was more than enough. But—I mean, maybe it’s being back in school after being gone for a year, maybe it’s just early-semester problems, but...” Dipper sighed. “It’s just, I’m taking five classes, and I’ve got a TA job this year, and I’m getting back into the DD&MD group again and maybe planning to DM a oneshot as a Halloween event, and...” He sighed again. “It all looked much more manageable on my schedule. It was color-coded and everything!”

Grunkle Ford hummed noncommittally.

“Yeah, I know,” Dipper admitted. “Not the first time I’ve overbooked myself.”

“Not quite, perhaps. But it’s very good that you’re learning to recognize it and take steps to take care of yourself—when I was in college, I burned out routinely.”

“Mabel would sic the ‘Self-Care Fairy’ on me again if I didn’t learn.” The “Self-Care Fairy” was a truly terrifying onslaught of Mabelness, complete with costume and character voice, and would not go away until its subject had reached an acceptable level of well-being and had examined their mistakes. “Which is why...I have to cancel. If I came to Gravity Falls, even with instant travel, I’d only be able to get there around like 5:00 PM and I’d be stressed and anxious the whole time. And then I’d get back here exhausted and with no homework done and with class tomorrow, and...I just don’t think I can afford that.” Dipper paused, a knot twisting in his stomach. “I’m really sorry, I wish we could come...”

“Of course, Dipper, we know you do!” Grunkle Ford hastened to assure him. “Don’t feel sorry for us—of course we’d love to see you, but we just had the summer together. I’m just sorry you’re so short on time.” There was a moment’s silence.

“But how is Mabel doing? Is she facing the same challenges?”

“I mean, sort of.” Dipper smiled ruefully. “She kept trying to figure out some solution so that we could have our usual birthday and everything would work out, but...neither of us could come up with anything that would actually work. And she’s really busy too. She jumped back into school full steam ahead, and she’s got her Etsy store, and all her social groups to keep up with—you know she’s better at managing her energy than I am, but it’s still a lot.”

“I understand that,” Ford said. “You both do what you need to to keep up with your responsibilities, okay? We’re very proud of you both, you know.”

Dipper swallowed around the lump in his throat. “I know, Grunkle Ford.”

“Well, then, I’ll let you go—I imagine you have plenty to do right now! We’ll get in touch with you tomorrow, even if only by text.”

“Thank you, Grunkle Ford! Mabel and I are going to video-call at some point, we think, so there’s that. Say hi to Stan and Soos and Melody and the kids and everyone for me?”

“Of course, my boy. Have a good evening.”

“You too.”

The call disconnected, and Dipper sighed, throwing himself down on his bed. After a minute, he picked up his phone again and texted Mabel.

Just called Ford and canceled plans. He said to take care of ourselves and that he and Stan are proud of us.

Then he pushed himself into the homework for tomorrow until his phone buzzed.

Aww, of course he did. <3 Thanks for calling, brobro. I wish we could go, but you were right--I’ve got WAY too much booked. Why didn’t we check what weekday our birthday was FIRST???

Dipper snorted. Maybe we’re dumb :/

IMPOSSIBLE, Mabel sent back. Clearly an evil College Schedule Gremlin messed with our brains

Is that the same guy who makes it so you can never take the prereqs you need when you need them?

Yep!! And the one who fogs your brain so you THINK you’ve filled all your requirements until it’s too late to patch up the holes in your plan. His phone buzzed a second time after that text. ...Ugh, maybe there ARE gremlins in all the college systems

It would explain Blackboard, Dipper agreed with a frown. Huh, maybe they should look into that...

Anyway, though, u good for Zoom tomorrow?

Dipper huffed, reminded of the fact that they had no time for a paranormal investigation right now. Yeah, he typed, I can do an hour or so anytime after 5:30.

Cool, I will figure out a time and let you know!! Can’t wait to see your 22-year-old face!! :) Even if it sucks that we can’t party :(

Same, same. TTYL :)

Dipper tossed his phone aside again, shutting his eyes for a minute. It wasn’t just the party that had him down—though he would miss the bash that Gravity Falls usually threw on their birthday. It was...everything.

It was having a birthday without Mabel.

Oh, sure, they would talk, but they wouldn’t be in the same place. That was why, really, he’d hung onto their plans until the very last minute. He’d made it work on paper—taking an evening to travel to Gravity Falls, have a party, and be back in time for the next class—and it just felt wrong to admit defeat, to compromise on something this important. Their birthday meant the two of them celebrating together, having a good time, acknowledging that it was important.

This year wasn’t going to feel like a birthday at all, Dipper thought glumly.

But no, that was quitter talk. They were going to do their best anyway, because they were the Mystery Twins! Even if the situation was lame. Even if he was going to spend his time on the call with Mabel tomorrow doing homework and/or bursting with stress.

He opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling. “Why do I always overfill my schedule?” he asked plaintively.

The ceiling didn’t answer.

---

Dipper dropped his backpack with a thud on his dorm room floor, hastily unzipping it and digging out his laptop. He was late—he’d left his thermos in his last classroom, and been halfway across campus before he realized and turned around to go get it. He blamed his sleep deprivation (a week in, and his body still hadn’t readjusted to the rhythm of morning classes).

Now, though, he could finally pull up Zoom. He plugged in his headphones as he waited for it to connect (stupid dorm wifi), and was rewarded with an ear-splitting squeal.

“Happy birthday, Dipper!”

He grinned at her beaming face. “Happy birthday, Mabel!”

“Did you get a birthday cupcake?” she demanded. “Or at least a birthday cookie?”

He grimaced. “I got ice cream at the cafeteria, but I had to eat it there,” he confessed. “Here, I’ve got...a birthday candy bar?”

“Hmph.” Mabel looked crestfallen, but plastered a smile on anyway. “It’ll have to do! We can sing Happy Birthday, anyway. One, two, thr—”

Before they could launch into an inevitably out-of-sync rendition of “Happy Birthday,” Dipper heard a loud knock. Judging by Mabel’s startled turn towards her door, she heard it too—

Wait, what?

The knocking repeated. On both their doors.

“..Huh,” Mabel said thoughtfully. With a wordless glance between them, they both unplugged their headphones and went to their respective doors.

“Happy birthday, slugger!” Stan said, grinning, the instant he saw Dipper. Over the internet, Ford’s voice was greeting Mabel at the same time.

Dipper’s jaw dropped.

“Ha!” Grunkle Stan shoved past him into the room. Waving to the camera, he added, “Happy birthday, sweetie!”

Ford peered past Mabel into the screen. “Happy birthday, Dipper, my boy!”

“But—what—”

“Grunkles!” Mabel cried. “...But wait, why not just video call us? Not that we’re not happy to see your wrinkly faces, but you came such a long way!”

“Yeah, exactly,” Dipper said, waving his arm in confusion. “You guys—you know we can’t really visit, right? Even with you with us? We don’t have time. I dont want you guys to waste a trip—”

“But we didn’t,” Ford said smugly. “We came to bring your birthday presents.”

With a flourish, Stan produced something and handed it to Dipper. It looked like...a piggy bank, but with a clock face set into the side?

Mabel gasped. “It’s so CUTE!”

“But what is it, Grunkle Ford?” Dipper asked.

“Simply put, my boy...it’s time.”

“It’s a Time-Savings Bank,” Stan said proudly. “Got our hands on these babies a few months ago, on a little side trip. See, when you’ve got some extra time—like, at night, or when you’re waiting for a pot to boil, or whatever—you can use these gizmos to store it up instead! Then when you need more time, you use the clock to take it back out. Whammo! You squeeze in a few extra hours between the normal ones.”

“Like Daylight Saving Time without the false advertising,” Ford added. “We know you two are short on time right now, but...if you’d like, there’s enough in here to give you and everyone currently at the Mystery Shack a good few hours of spare time. What do you say, kids? Still up for a party?”

“Are we!” Mabel crowed.

Dipper stared at this miraculous device. “But...that’s a lot of hours,” he said. “Where did you get the time?”

Stan barked out a laugh. “You kiddin’, Dipper? We figured from the start that at least one of you would burn out when you went back to school. We’ve been putting time aside in these things for months.”

“...Really?” Dipper said. Somehow, he found himself blinking rapidly, and swallowing down some obstruction in his throat.

Stan coughed uncomfortably, looking away. “I mean, it’s not like we gave you any time we had a use for. Just some odds and ends here and there...every day... Anyway! You kids wanna get this show on the road?”

“YES!” Mabel shouted.

Dipper beamed. “Definitely,” he said. “Absolutely.”

And a few minutes later, when they all found themselves in the Shack (courtesy of one of those “favors” Ford had mentioned yesterday), and Dipper had piled into the inevitable group hug with his twin and his grunkles—and with hours of birthday celebration in front of them all—he had to add, “Best present ever.”

[figula]

therapy recap + some more indepth Feelings -

realised I never actually said about last week’s therapy on here

i went into some detail about some other stuff that hadn’t come up the week before: my long-term self harm, which i told her that i wasn’t particularly bothered by, but that seems like teh sort of thing you should probably bring up - and she didn’t argue with me. i explained my reasoning and she sort of nodded + seemed reasonably satisfied. this is encouraging to me: i can’t stand it when MH people are really scandalised about self-harm

she prodded at some of my plug thoughts - noted the inconsistencies, asked if I had had any traumatic experiences with fire (no), have i ever been badly burned (no), etc. then she asked how i am in a thunderstorm - am i afraid of the electricity then? i said no - in a thunderstorm i love it, and i asked her whether she remembered the thunderstorm a few years ago where the sky kept flooding w/ white light - it was amazing. me and ben went out to watch it in hte middle of a field. it did freak me out when we were there but not bc of the fire potential, but bc it was really, really intense - and that seems a fairly normal response to intense weather situations when you are outside with no cover. she said she did remember it. she said she watched it from her window. anyway: she noted that it was incongruent that my fear of plugs pertains to a fear of fire, but that there’s no real reason for me to have chosen fire as one of my things. which is true, i’m just not sure where to go w/ that. bc there’s a lot of things that my obsessions grab onto, and i don’t think any of them have real “reasons” for it. she suggested maybe a desire to control things that i feel are within my control (which feels a bit cliché lol) and also asked how i am w/ tolerating uncertainty. (”bad” is the answer) she asked me if i unplug things during the day (no), whether i unplug everything (no - i leave the fridge on + ana’s things that im not allowed to unplug) and asked me the perameters for the unplugging (just before i go to bed, at night, in the dark. if i go to bed at 7/8am, which is not hugely unusual for me, the need to unplug things completely disappears) i don’t know what any of this means. i don’t know if i care what it means. i just want to move forward.

Feelings:

feel a bit shit today - woke up feeling very anxious + had anxiety diarrhoea (posted earlier lol sry) then bc i was feeling anxious immediately went to weigh myself (lol hmm). i thought i’d be fine re: ana but im not really, i don’t like the temporary shift in dynamic, i don’t like being in charge of stuff, the medical vibe of the whole thing makes me very anxious, i fucking hate having to do the shit that triggers all my obsessive contamination thoughts, and i know it’ll be fine + this is gonna be the hardest bit of the entire process (bc obviously healing is fairly linear and after about 4-5 days the discomfort should be MUCH improved, and it’s already been 3) + that it’s fundamentally Not About Me lol and like it is what it is. it’s like 100% fine + im fucking delighted that ana got the surgery! im thrilled for them, and ALL of this discomfort is my own responsibility to deal w/ - ana is my best friend in the world + i am not gonna let my own insanities mean that they dont get to heal properly + appropriately.

so that’s that. i seriously juts need to get it together, and i know i will, it’s ok. like im seriously not doing very much extra at all, it’s just the entire situation that is setting me off, and as i said and entirely mean, it’s my own responsibility to deal w/ the feelings

i think im just constantly stressed atm (altho much better than i was a few months back, so i need to keep remembering that whilst i always struggle to put things in perspective, im objectively doing fine + good), im fed up w/ my mum’s awful cruelty, im fed up w/ my dad’s inability to see it, im fed up w/ the fact that my sister is 100% gonna come out of hospital in a few months + immediately start starving herself again. she asked if she could come here and i literally just want to say no, i want to cut myself off from my entire family at this point. but i know i cant - my sister’s done nothing wrong, and i cant/wont abandon her, but my god the whole situation makes me feel absolutely fucking feral w/ anger / terror / jealousy / frustration

[zmayadw]

Evening all :)

Hope you all had a nice few days :)

Anyway, here is the next part.

Enjoy your evening!

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 16

The sun was out already when i woke up the next day. Jake was still asleep next to me. He looked so peacful, no worry showing on his face. I smiled, giving him a kiss on the cheek, running my hand through his hair. „'Morning, sleepyhead.“ I said, nibbling softly at his ear. He smiled, his eyes still closed. „Are you trying to kill me? I'm so sore from all the fun we had yesterday, i'm not sure i'll be able to get out of bed.“ I laughed at it „Don't worry, i'll let you rest.“ Adding, kissing him on the neck „At least for the morning.“ Now he laughed, taking the pillow form under his head, throwing it at me. „You're crazy.“ He said turning, giving me a long kiss. „You're welcome to take a shower.“ I told him „it might ease some of the soreness off.“ „That's not a bad idea.“ He gave me one more kiss, getting out of the bed. As he neared the bathroom doors, i asked „Is it ok if i turn my phone now?“ „Oh, i forgot.“ He said, going to the desk, unpluging my phone, handing it to me. „It's fine, you can use it normaly.“ „Thanks.“ I turned it on, checking a few messages i got while it was off. One was from Jessy, asking if i contacted Jake. I chuckled, thinking how Jessy will be thrown out of her shoes when i tell her about all that happened with him. I replied to her, asking if she wants to meet for coffee later. I checked other messages, and tensed a bit when i saw the one from Phil. „Hey gorgeous, hope you ok. Havent heard from you for a while, just checking up on you. Don't be a stranger ;)“ Shit, i tought, i forgot about Phil. I threw my phone on the bed, burrying my face in the pillow. Ah, crap. I will have to talk to Phil soon, and i dreaded it. He was always nice to me, and i was willing to give him a chance if things with Jake didnt turn out like this. I took my phone back, replying to Phil „Hey, hey, all is fine. Been bussy working. But thanks for checking up on me! Will come to Aurora for a drink soon, promise! :) „ Jessy replied in the mean time, telling she is free arround 13h, and i replied confirming our meeting. Phil also replied. „Glad to hear you ok! Dont work yourself out, take a break ;) See you soon, gorgeous.“ Bah, i tought, throwing my phone back to bed. I so didnt want to have another talk with Phil. Even tho he said he would be fine, i knew it wouldnt go easy on him. He really was into me, and i didnt feel good knowing what i had to do. I got lost in my toughts, that i havent noticed Jake was standing at the bathrom door, looking at me curiously. „Everything ok?“ he asked. I sighed, giving him a small smile „It will be.“ „You sure?“ he asked, and i could see he wasnt sattisfied with my answer. „Yes, Jake, im sure. Its nothing that cant wait.“ I said giving him a bit better smile. He looked at me a bit skeptically „Alright, if you say so.“ My phone rang then, and i was grateful for it. I really didnt want to talk to Jake about Phil, at least not right now. Jake got agitated at my phone as i took it, answering it a bit surprised. „Hannah?“ i said, and i saw Jake was being confused as much as me. „Hello, Maya.“ She replied cheerfuly „Hope i'm not disturbing you.“ „Ofcours not.“ I told her „Whats up?“ „Well, i called to ask if you are free tonight? I'm inviting everyone for drinks at the Aurora. I'v got some good news to share with you all.“ „Ofcourse!“ i told her cheerfuly. „Great.“ She chimed from the other side. „You we'r the last one i needed to call. I tried yesterday, but your phone was unreachable.“ „Yeah, i turned it off, wanted some peace while working, sorry.“ I said sounding apologetically, looking at Jake. He just grinned at me. „No need to apologise, i understand. Well, i do have someoe else to contact.“ She said „I dont suppose you heard from or seen my half-brother recently?“ „Jake?“ i asked, trying to sound surprised, and he looked at me rising his eyebrows. „No, sorry, i havent seen him, or talked to him recently.“ „Hmm, i called him few times, but he didnt answer or called me back.“ She said, sounding a bit worried. „Im sure hes fine.“ I told her, grinning at Jake., him shaking his head at

me. „Yeah, you're probably right. Anyway, i have to go now. Cya tonight, arround nine.“ „Cya tonight, Hannah.“ I lovered my phone, Jake asking „What was that about?“ „Well“ i started „Hannah wants for all of us to meet at the Aurora tonight, she has some news she wants to share.“ I looked at him inquiry. „Dont look at me, i have no clue what she wants.“ „Hmm, i guess we'll find out tonight then.“ I said. I looked at him „By the way, was it ok i told her i havent seen you? I mean, we havent really talked ourselves about all of this.“ He smiled, sitting next to me. „Its fine, Maya.“ He took my hand, entwining his fingers with mine. „Maybe we should keep it to ourselfs for a while.“ He said, but looked at me with a grin „Even tho i dont care who knows.“ I grinned „Same here.“ „Hmm, you sure about that?“ he asked, and i looked puzzled at him. „Well, we are meeting Hannah at Aurora tonight, and i know one person there who would care.“ Shit, i tought. „If you mean Phil, im very well aware of it.“ I said, getting up from the bed. I got a bit annoyed by Jakes words, even tho i knew he was right. „Maya“ Jake started, and i looked back at him. His eyes met mine, and my heart skipped a beat. I could see insecurity written all over his face, his eyes gloomy. „Do you still feel the same about Phil?“ he asked. I walked back to him, taking his head in my hands, leveling his eyes with mine. „Do you really have to ask me that, after all that happened?“ i told him witha a smile and kissed him. I moved back, meeting his eyes again. „It was always you that i wanted. Only you, Jake.“ He pulled me to him and kissed me, and this time it felt different. Before, his kisses wer packed with desire and lust. But this time his kiss was deep, tender, i would dare to say full of love. „You're amazing.“ He told me „I'm lucky to have you.“ He kissed me again, with that same depth and tenderness as earlier, sending tingles. This time, every move we made was slow and gentle. This time, we made love.

I was getting my sneakers on, as Jake was zipping his hoodie. „Will you be ok tonight? At the Aurora?“ i asked him. „I mean, seeing Phil acting as he would arround me.“ He groaned a bit „Not really, but i'll survive.“ I walked to him, putting my hands arround his neck, saying teasingly „I'll make it up to you later, if you promise to behave.“ He raised his eyebrow at me „That sounds tempting“ he started „But i cant promise you i wont be tempted to not behave.“ I grined at him, giving him a quick kiss „Well, do your best.“ „That, i can promise.“ He said, grining back. I let go of him, grabing my phone checking the time before throwing it at my purse. I took the car keys „I'm gonna be late! You ready?“ „Yes, lets go.“ I gave him the car keys, and he drowe us to the towns center. „Are you gonna tell Jessy about us?“ he asked. „I dont know.“ I said „She was the one who begged me to contact you about the calls, so she knows abou that.“ I paused for a while, a smile creeping to my face „And Jessy can be quite perceptive, she might figure out on her own that something is up.“ I looked at him „Would it be alright with you if she knew?“ „I wouldnt mind“ he said „If she can keep it to herself, for now at least.“ „If i ask it of her, she will.“ I told him. „You two became really close.“ He said , as we came to the parking in the center. „We did , she means a lot to me.“ He turned to me, taking the keys from the ignition. „But you are on top of my 'special people' list.“ I said leaning in for a kiss. He kissed me back, moving away, giving me the keys. „Good.“ He said, grinning „Now off you go, you're late already. And before anyone sees us.“ We left the car, and i started walking backwards from it, blowing him a kiss „See you tonigh.“ He smiled „See you, Maya.“

Jessy was already at the cafe when i came, sitting myself on the chair accross from her „I'm late, i know, i'm sorry!“ I looked at her appologeticaly. „Its fine“ she said, smiling „I got here few minutes ago myself, to be honest.“ „Good.“ I told her. „So what have you been up lately?“ i asked, her face getting cheerful. „Well, as a matter of fact, i have some good news.“ „Yeah? Well, out with it allready!“ i chimed happily. „Ok, ok. Well you know i had to find a new job, after all that happened.“ Her face got a bit gloomy as she said it, and i understood it. I gave her a small smile, thinking how much her life must have been affected by all that have happened. Jet, she stayed so positive through it all. „Anyway“ she continued „I had a job interwiev today.“ „Oh, Jessy, that's great!“ i exclaimed cheerfuly „Where at?“ She smiled „At the library.“ I clapped my hands at it, i knew how much Jessy liked that place, and books, too. „Thats excellent, not just good news, Jessy! I'm happy for you.“ i told her, smiling sencerely. „Well, i havent gotten the job, jet.“ She started „But i have a very good chance for it.“ „I'm sure you will get it.“ I told her. „Anyway, enough about me. Did you contact Jake already?“ she asked, getting all serious on me. „I did.“ I said, a small smile appearning at the corner of my lips. „Good.“ She said, not noticing „And, what happened?“ A lot, i tought to myself. „Well, he checked my phone, to see if it was hacked or something.“ „Did he find anything?“ I sighed „Unfortunatly, no.“Thats not good.“ Jessy said „Can't he do anything else? I mean, isn't that like his expertise?“ „He is trying one more thing.“ I told her. „He connected' to my incoming calls, again.“ I started, and Jessy looked inquiringly at me. „We're hoping he can figure out the location from where the calls are comming like that.“ „Hmm, that would be usefull.“ „Indeed“ i said „I just wish all would end soon, i'm getting terrified by it all, Jessy.“ „I know, Maya“ she said „I'm sure Jake will be abel to find something.“ „I hope so, Jessy.“ I said. „He will.“ She said, smiling reasuringly at me „We all know how skillful he is.“ Indeed, i tought, and not just with computers. Jessy was looking at me now, like she could read my toughts. She squinted her eyes at me „Something else is up.“ „What do you mean?“ i said, trying to sound as calm as i could. „You look different.“ „Different how?“ i asked. „I dont know“ she started „It's like, you're glowing.“ She continued looking at me, and i got a bit fidgety. She was staring intensly at me. Then, all of a sudden, her eyes opened wide, a grin on her face. „You hooked up!“ she almost screamed. „What?“ i tried to sound confused, but she didnt bought it. „You and Jake, you hooked!“ she chimed again. „Dont denie it!“ she said, grinning at me. I groaned „Fine! Yes, we hooked.“ I looked at her, and we both started squilling like a teenage girls. „Finaly!“ she said laughing „Im happy for you, Maya.“ „Thanks, Jessy. Im happy ,too. But, please, keep it to yourself. At least for now.“ I said pleadingly. „Ohh, i'll try my best, i promise.“ she said. „Give it your best, at least for tonight.“ I pleaded her again. She got serious „Uh, oh, Aurora tonight.“ „Yes, Aurora tonight.“ I said, dreadfully “It can never be simple for me.“ She gave me an akward smile, squizing my hand. We stayed silent for a moment, before a smile started creeping back to Jessys face. „Sooo“ she started „Jake and you? Talk! And i want to hear everything. And i mean, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.“ I laughed, Jessy looking at me with the biggest grin on her face. „Alright.“ I said, Jessy clapping her hands excitedly.

[hyuwujin]

train rides

pairing: reader x felix

genre: the fluffiest fluff :)

length: 2.5k words

warnings: none

summary: Spending the day with Felix is always a blast but your feelings for him certainly give you an internal conflict. Should you risk ruining a meaningful friendship by confessing or remain in the safety of the friend-zone by keeping quiet?

a/n: wOAHHH this is probably the fluffiest thing i’ve ever written but i hope y’all like it! honestly, this took me wayyyy too long but here it finally is!! i’d like to thank my fav bbs @hyyunjinn @hyunjinh @seungchanie bc i’ve been hyping this up for a while and you had to deal with it asdfgh;;;thank you for giving me the motivation to finally finish it!! ILYYYY<333

also @straykidzz and @ultnamjin i dont think i ever mentioned my fic to you??but i love and appreciate you soooo much! (pssst we should also talk more bc ily)

“C’mon Y/N! This way,” an eager Felix pulled you by the wrist into the train station. Furrowing your brows at his enthusiasm, you looked around the nearly empty train station for a sign of anything worth enthusing over. 

“You still haven’t even told me where we’re going,” you grumbled, dragging your feet against the stained orange floor tiles. 

“It’s a Wednesday afternoon. There aren’t many people on the train since they’re already at work,” Felix grinned, guiding you into one of the train cars. You looked around the close to empty car––a mother and a child sat at the far corner and a well dressed man staring down at his brief case in the middle of the car––and shrugged with a nod of acknowledgement. 

Felix let go of your wrist to grab one of the poles inside the train car. He spun around the metal pole, effortlessly, and motioned around the empty car with his hand. “See?”

“Where are we going?” You couldn’t contain your curiosity and wondered what was making Felix so excited.

“The train’s last stop is at that theme park you mentioned last week. I know you wanted to go so–o let’s go!” Felix settled down in a seat and patted the seat next to him with a smile.

“Felix, you do realize it’s freezing out, right?” You pointed to the jackets you were both wearing. 

Adjusting the beanie on his head, Felix sighed. “But the park’s open! Besides, all that walking will tire us out anyway.”

“If I catch a cold, I’m blaming you,” you squinted your eyes and pointed an accusing finger at Felix. 

“Then I’ll be the one to take care of you,” Felix winked with a cheeky smile, causing you to snap your gaze away from him to avoid him seeing the blush creeping up your neck. 

“No–o. I’ll get you sick so you’ll suffer with me.”

“You would do that to me?” Felix placed a hand on his chest in feigned hurt. 

Looking back at him, you stared blankly at his obviously fake pained expression. “Yes.”

Scoffing at your reply, Felix looked away from you and towards the closing train car doors. “Stand clear of the closing doors please.” 

Plopping in the seat beside him, you nudged him. “It’s a long ride. You sure you made the right choice?” Throwing him a grin, you continued to nudge his side with your elbow.

“Now that I think about it…” Felix trailed off, looking up as if in thought. Looking back down at you, he scrunched his nose up and nodded. “As annoying as you can be, how many Felix and Y/N days do we have nowadays?”

“Hey! If anything, you’re the annoying one in this friendship!” 

“Yeah right,” Felix chuckled lowly, causing your stomach to do a flip. Can he not do that? “You’re definitely the annoying one. Who’s the one who showed up at the dorm at two am because you wanted to be fed?” 

“Hey! I was hungry, alright? You show up at my place at unusual times, too!”

“For good reason!” 

“You know you can send memes by message, right? You don’t have to come over and show me them!”

“I like to see your reactions,” Felix softly smiled at you and you felt yourself smiling, too. 

The train stopped at its designated stops, hence more people entered the train car and soon, you found yourself squished next to Felix with strangers sat on either side of you. 

“There aren’t many people on the train since everyone’s at work, huh?” You mocked, glancing at Felix.

Unplugging one of his earphones from his ear, he sighed, “I didn’t think it’d get this packed! Besides, our stop is soon. Don’t worry.” 

“You’re lying aren’t you?” You asked, monotonously.

“Psh, no…maybe.”

You huffed in response and crossed your arms stubbornly over your chest. Rolling his eyes with a smile, he returned the earphone to his ear and nodded his head along to whatever he was listening to. 

Without him noticing, you peered at Felix and watched as his eyebrows furrowed and his nose twitched as he continued to listen to music. 

“Excuse me,” you felt a nudge on the other side of you. Turning your head, you smiled politely at the old woman who was beaming at you.

“You two are very cute.”

“Excuse me?” You raised your eyebrows in surprise at her statement. 

“You are dating, aren’t you?” The old woman raised an amused brow and glanced over at the oblivious boy beside you.

“What? Me and him? No. No way! W–We’re just friends,” you shook your head profusely at her accusation. She thought you and Felix were dating? On what planet would your interactions make it seem like you were dating?

“Oh, that’s a shame,” the woman looked down at her lap with a sad smile.

That only confused you further and you furrowed your eyebrows. “Why?”

“My husband and I…we were the same way when we were kids. You two bickered and teased back on forth just like we had so it was quite easy to assume,” the old woman looked back up with a soft smile.

“Really?” You turned your body away from Felix to face the old woman and stared at her with curious eyes.

“Mhm,” she hummed and looked up in reminiscence. Leaning closer to you, she mumbled with a nudge, “You also look at him with desire, love.”

Choking on a cough, you leaned back away from her. “W–what? No, I don’t!”

“Well, of course you say that. But you can’t see how others look at you. Does he not notice?”

Slumping your shoulders in defeat, you sighed. “If I made it that obvious to strangers in a train, he probably does. Annnnd that means he probably chooses to ignore it.”

Swatting your hand with a scoff, the woman shook her head. “How old are you? You’re in your teens? Boys at this age can be very oblivious. Believe me, I have my fair share of grandsons and they don’t know the difference between having a girl look at them and having a girl really look at them.”

Laughing lightly, you nodded in understanding. Looking back at Felix, you wondered if that was the case. Maybe he didn’t notice.

“Are we there yet?” You nagged, playfully smacking Felix’s arm in impatience. 

“Y/N, for the millionth time, two more stops!” 

The train ride was much longer than you thought and it didn’t help that Felix was practically ignoring you to listen to his own music. Rude, you thought to yourself with an eye roll. 

Most of the people had left a few stops earlier than yours, including the old woman who was sat beside you––she left patting your hand and wishing you luck, whatever that meant–––and now it was back to you and Felix in the train cart alone with the exception of very few people.

Leaning your head back, a sigh escaped your slightly chapped lips. Feeling your eyelids become heavier, you fluttered your eyes shut. You listened and focused on the squeaks of the train against the tracks, the light chatter of other passengers and Felix’s foot tapping.

“Y/N?” 

A light shake to your shoulder woke you up. Humming in response, you slowly blinked awake. 

Chuckling at your sleepy expression, Felix pointed to the open train car doors, “We’re here.”

Leaping up from the seat, a grin found it’s way to your face. “Finally!”

“Come on. This train’s going to get full soon from people leaving the park,” Felix tugged you by the hand closer to him and guided you out of the train. 

“Wha–” you trailed off when exiting the train station. Looking up at the already darkened sky, you pouted. “If was daytime when we left!”

“You said it yourself; It’s still cold so it’s still getting dark early,” Felix looked away from the sky to glance at you. 

“Well, what are we waiting for then? We’re here finally!” You pulled Felix toward the entrance––you didn’t even notice you’d been holding his hand since you left the train car––and grinned widely. 

“See? Even thought it’s chilly, people are still here,” Felix motioned with his free hand toward others strolling down the boardwalk leading to the games and rides. 

“They’re crazy,” you instinctively shivered, causing you to shove your own free hand into your coat pocket. Acknowledging your slightly quivering nature, Felix put his hand up and took off the dark beanie on his head and placed it on yours. 

“You’re here, too, aren’t you?” You didn’t have to look at Felix to know he was smirking. 

“Only because you dragged me,” you reminded with a pointed expression. 

“Now now, we’re here to have fun! Where’d you like to go first?” 

Felix looked down at you with a soft smile and you couldn’t help but mirror it.

“Okay I’ll admit, that was probably the most fun I’ve had in a while,” you laughed, heaving the large stuffed pink giraffe over your shoulder into the train station. 

“Me too! I’m glad we finally got to hang out again. You know, since the debut is coming closer, we haven’t gotten many chances to see each other,” Felix smiled, sadly, lugging his own giant teddy bear on his shoulders. 

“Hey! Even with you and the guys’ debut coming, there’s no way I won’t still see you! Hell, I’ll come by the studio or practice rooms every day if I have to!” 

Stopping in his tracks, Felix turned around. “Really?”

“Of course,” you furrowed your brows, wondering why he’d question it. Before Felix could say anything else, the train car caught your gaze and your face fell. More specifically, the packed train car.

“We won’t have seats!” You whined rushing past Felix and grabbing his hand on the way. Entering the cart, you both looked around for any seats and your shouldered hunched in defeat when neither of you found one.

“It’s okay. We’ll just stand until people get off,” Felix shrugged, guiding you through people near an empty space for standing. 

“Dude, do you know how lazy I am?” 

Rolling his eyes, Felix nodded slowly, “Y/N, I was the one who carried you on my back for the past two hours.”

“Oh,” you looked away, bashfully, “…right.”

“So where you going to put these?” Felix flicked his head toward the giraffe you held close to your chest and the teddy bear under one of his right arm. 

“These? It’s just the giraffe,” you scrunched your eyebrows and looked down at the stuffed toy.

“There’s no way this giant teddy bear is going to fit in my room. You should have it.”

“And you think I have the room?” After a moment of silence, you gnawed at your lip and tapped your foot against the train car’s floor. “Well, if you insist.”

Felix smiled to himself in victory and took a step closer to you. Widening your eyes, you instinctively took a step back. Furrowing his brows at your antics, Felix put his hand up and grabbed ahold of the bar above your head. 

Oh, that was what he was doing.

You mentally scolded yourself at where your thoughts went.

“Hold onto me.”

Blinking rapidly, you looked up at Felix. “Huh!?”

“The train’s going to leave soon. You don’t have anything to hold onto,” Felix continued to stare at you in concern. Were you okay?

“Oh,” you took one hand off the giraffe and grasped onto his arm. A blush crept up your neck and you looked down and stared down at your shoes as if they were the most interesting things you’ve seen all day.

The train jerked forward causing you stumble…right into Felix’s chest. If you weren’t blushing before, your face was probably as red as a tomato now.

“Uh,” you stuttered, looking up at Felix’s own widened eyes. “S–sorry.”

Just as you were going to pull away, Felix wrapped his free hand around you. “I got you.”

Great, you thought. Now I’m hyperventilating.

You stayed like that for a while and you couldn’t complain. As much as you were flustered, you enjoyed being this close to Felix. He smells good.

After some passengers had left the train at their stop, you both sat next to each other at the nearest open seats. 

“…Y/N?”

“Huh? What?” You shook your head out of the trance you were currently in and smiled apologetically at the boy beside you. “Did you say something?”

“What’s going on in that head of yours? It looks you’ve been having a mental battle,” Felix lightly tapped at your temple and smiled. 

“It’s nothing,” you shook your head with a wave of your hand. 

“You sure?” Felix pressed. He needs to stop looking at me like that.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.”

“You know I could’ve walked home alone, right?” You raised an eyebrow as you and Felix stood in front of your house. 

“It’s late. Gotta know you’re safe.” Felix shoved his hands into his jacket pockets and rocked back on forth by the heals and balls of his feet.

“Thanks,” you tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and unlocked your front door. Pushing the giant stuffed animals into your house by your feet, you entered your home.

“Hey, wait,” Felix called out, causing you to turn around.

“Hm?” You turned around.

“When’s our next date?”

Choking on a breath, you blinked, “Sorry I don’t think I heard you right. Say that again?”

“Our next date?”

“This wAS A DATE!?” You felt the blush you managed to keep away from your face for the time being begin to slowly spread to your cheeks.

“Come on, Y/N. I spent my money on you, held your hand, hell, I even carried you but let’s not get into that, and won you stuffed toys. Doesn’t that sound like a date to you?” Felix smiled, cheekily, still rocking forward and backward.

“I uh––” you averted your gaze to look at the ground. “You mean, you feel the same way?”

“Same way? Of course, Y/N. Not gonna lie…you’re pretty obvious,” Felix shrugged.

Widening your eyes in surprise, you shouted, “You mean you’ve known? This whole time?”

“Everyone knows by now,” Felix rolled his eyes with a smile at your expression, “the guys were practically begging me to hurry and man up and tell you my feelings.”

“…I really don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything. How ‘bout I pick you up tomorrow morning for some breakfast? We could chat about us then. Now, rest up,” Felix turned to go and you opened your mouth and closed it multiple times though no words came out.

“Goodnight!” You finally managed to shout after him. 

“Night Y/N,” Felix said in a singsong voice without bothering to turn around. “See you tomorrow for our second date.”

You closed the door behind you with a sigh and leant against it before looking down at the two large stuffed animals on the floor. Could I get any more cliche than this? 

Ignoring your thoughts, you squealed and scurried up to your room not able to wait for the next day.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Malcolm is a bastard and all but hr still treats me like his kid sister

So sometimes when we would be working i would get hit in the chest like because i have a very generous, vulnerable, valuable and damaged heart... And it would feel like a heart attack was coming

And I would tell him "Jesse you are a very bad man" and he would say "who? Where?" And i would say "were you going to eat lunch in the NW corner today? Because there is a very good person sitting there and you're not allowed. Mean ass mother fucker and in fact you dont get lunch! There how's that?!"

So I would tell him NW from us was a person and they were smoking or chewing gum or tobacco or talking a lot or singing ... Usually a combo of using his hands and mouth. And i would say what he was eating... If was wearing a green shirt it was an avocado because bananas were both yellow and green and black and apples are red, green. Yellow and bruised. Yellow was lemons and ice tea. Blue was ice. Once there was one with a pale blue like coast guard dress shirt and then he had a real raspy voice. So i said "hey bad man you having a lunch of raspberries near the parking lot just standing around like you usually do?"

Then because we were working for months in the same location, the next day he would eat lunch how i had described.

Mine was for my health or i would end up in the hospital and it would be big drama.

But if y'all need some kind of code... Here's a helpful system.

I had panicked the first time and it all came out in a flow and not in correct words but it worked So we developed it from there.

The very first time i had asked Jesse his opinion and I panicked and had a minor heart attack So Jesse said we had to take command of my feelings and emotions to take my power back.

And so taking away from him.. That worked. And I didn't do the correct directions, I used the Brooklyn bridge as North which was South on a real map so and i did West totally wrong but i was saying that he had a gun like in Wild West.

He had been sitting behind me under a tree and caught me off guard. Idk about you but i don't want no dude sitting and all relaxing behind me with a gun so he's completely chill when he decides to shoot us all. Me first. So Jesse ran over and attacked him, rolled him into the street and pulled his own gun on him that he has pulled out when he tackled him. Years of football had paid off for me.

The raspberries guy he had been there just the day before asking me about my parents an all this and that and so i told,him,my dad was in the military. About my dad. And asked him,why and he was all no reason and then he was all "dont they wear... Like the marines but totally different?"

"At times"

"Idk i can get all that but we will see" idk why he said that out loud

Nd I said "excuse me?"

"Oh I was sent here to protect you. I'll be back tomorrow oh about noon. If someone comes at 3. Don't trust them"

He came at 3. Like a fool

"Sorry I'm late. They had this whole intersection blocked off and wouldn't let anyone out of their cars. They blocked me in. Weird huh. They gave me $50 tho. Anyway we are here. Where should we stand"

"Over there somewhere. Idk. Sure thing I'll be back. Here watch this"

"Oh okay ill go over there then"

"No the table"

"Oh it will be fine"

So he was an imposter had haggled me for answers the day before that he should had known had he been hired by someone that knew me. I had talked to Steve finally that morning, i wouldn't go downstairs until i did. And he said "don't believe him. I'll see what i can do. No one is supposed to ask you anything in fact they're supposed to be invisible. It's the CIA, you recall? Its just Like the FBI but more dangerous yo bad people. You'll be alright. I'll put in a call. You stay put. I'll call right back"

And so they made it so he came at 3.

So Jesse told them we had our own security

He lied and said i hired him

Which i did no such thing

So i grabbed the nail gun off the counter being made and stood my ground, legs spread, the red laser on his mid chest.

"Oh that's not going to do anything! The nail is just gonna fall"

I saw the burgundy Mazda he arrived in. So i flattened his right back tire. And looked at him

"My car!!! Well now how am i gonna leave little missy?"

"Like fast!!" And i shot at his back window until it shattered "1. Two. 3. Four. That do you? You were told. And you need to leave you told me yourself anyone coming at 3 is evil! Now go!" Man they were stupid. I shot them in the foot. Leg and multiple times in the ass cheeks while they ran and the raspy voice in the neck. He later died of his injuries.

I shot his trunk up so much it broke the latch and another guy down the end of the block jumped in and pulled it lower.

The cops came the next day to question me.

I said "idk -- it was the nail gun. I sorta blacked out so I don't recall everything exactly"

So while he was examining it Jesse unplugged it. Amd walked over and spoke quietly to him

"Why didn't you just tell him the truth?"

'I did"

....

The fat raspy guy died because i aimed for his bald spot with the laser Jesse told me Because i was laughing and told him "watch this" after I popped open the trunk

So they got in the car and the alarm was blaring and most everyone had hit the deck when i started shooting because the alarm went off at the tire and the guy kept turning it off with his key charm and Jesse yelled "you're all in danger. Hit the deck! Get down!"

So in the car the guy reached back and pulled that nail out the back of his head and blood sprayed out and all over the car like a water fall and was dripping off the back window edge. "Now how's that for Jesus?" I had said, blew the tip of the nail gun off. Yelled "okay everyone back to work!" And sat down at my post like there wasn't some dude crawling out the trunk trying to move the fatish man so they could take off.

Jesse brought me the nail gun for safe keeping and necessary use. "But don't they need it?"

"Look ain't no one gonna be working at least not yet. Go on go look what's going on in the street that littl3 dude in the right uniform is all covered in,blood"

"Oh yeah he ain't been shot yet." Jesse started to laugh. I went to the sidewalk and yelled "I SAID MOVE!"

And he said "can't you see im trying?!!?" So i shot him in the right knee cap. Without turning on the laser.

"Don't talk back! I ain't the child here." I turned my head and shoulders but not the gun towards my workers "and i told all of you to get back to work!!"

They all in chorus said "no!" And ducked. And I laughed

"I'm kidding! I'm kidding! The safety is on!"

A little 3 year old girl picked up a cordless drill near her and her older brother took off running after yelling a loud "NO!" And he took it from her and she said all cute and quiet "why not? I want to kill!"

"Not trying to be a spoil sport but I'm taking her inside!"

She was so dam cute too she wasn't taller than th3 cabinet and all I saw was the drill coming off the top of it. She was mighty strong to keep hold of it.

Little Gremlin Child i called her after. I could see her pig tails after it was down but i thought an adult next to her had grabbed it. Not that she was standing there as an Army of One.

She told me later "i was an Army of Two. I was right there with you. I knew what to do. Shoot. Pew. Pew. Pew."

...

......

....

Unfortunately our beauty was killed about 10 years later in a drive by, protecting the neighborhood children, using her body to shield them while visiting a friend out in Compton, California, USA.

God Bless her and let's take a moment for her.

Laquisha Antuana Jefferson.

My only partner in an Army of Two.

And his family should know he's dying in,the next 30 minutres. It's 7:05 pm in Compton.

I hope all his dreams and wishes go unanswered and he goes straight to hell and it hurts him. There will be no funeral. We will destroy his body ourselves. He doesn't deserve a funeral.

He's a "perfect citizen" he's a cop. He joined after killing my baby. And not to make the streets safer.

All lives matter. Remember that.

[cafephan]

hey hey hey if you're bored and have time i'd love to hear your favourite songs off of and/or an analysis of each of lm's albums. thanks

*cracks knuckles* this is gonna be a long ride, kiddos

DNA

Wings - forever one of my favourite lm songs ever, it just has such a beautiful message about self-love and realising other people’s opinions don’t define you, this song helped me a lot when i was younger

DNA - their vocals in this are unreal (especially the harmony/choir part) and the music video is one of my favourites, i just love everything about the song and the video

Change Your Life - like Wings, this song helped me a lot when i was younger, it too has a beautiful message just in a more stripped back beat than Wings, and i still listen to this song a lot because it usually always helps when i’m having a down day

Always Be Together - THE HARMONIES. the vocals are just beautiful in this song and it’s one of my favourites, i honestly will never understand why this song is so underrated, beautiful vocals and beautiful lyrics

Stereo Soldier - just a feelgood tune really, isn’t it, one of those songs that just makes you want to get up and dance, and i’ve had many a midnight dance party including this song

Pretend It’s OK - this song amazes me, the fact it was primarily written as a heartbreak song is one thing but the fact that it can be interpreted about literally anything astounds me?? like i don’t know many other songs that do that, and i will always applaud the girls for that. also knowing jade wrote her part about her grandad always gets me a little bit emotional myself

Turn Your Face - MY FAVOURITE ON THE ALBUM AND SO UNDERRATED. i think each and every one of the girls’ vocals shine, and this song is a prime example of why the world shouldn’t be sleeping on little mix, if you ask me. jade and leigh-anne’s solos in particular always stand out to me, but it is one of the most beautiful songs i have ever heard, much like Love Me or Leave Me, but we will get to that in a while. but yeah if you haven’t heard this song PLEASE DO.

We Are Who We Are - i bloody love this song, it too has helped me so much. it’s a song with a message of self-love, and realising society’s standards don’t define you and control you, none of us will ever look like the magazines want us to look (”throw away the books and the magazines, i’m never gonna look like a beauty queen”) and ah i just love it

How Ya Doin’? - this song always makes me feel really sassy when i sing it and i’m glad it’s a feeling that’s carried through the five years since the first time i listened to the album, it’s a prime singing-into-your-hairbrush-in-front-of-the-mirror song! plus it’s just a bop isn’t it tbh

Red Planet - at first i didn’t really get this song, but after a few listens i absolutely fell in love with it and the vocals continue to astound me

Going Nowhere - I. ADORE. THIS. SONG. it’s so sassy and so fun to dance around your room singing (trust me) and it gets out all the frustration towards a partner i’ve never had. their vocals are just so strong and the harmonies floor me. plus jesy’s beatboxing and leigh-anne’s rapping are so underrated give the girls credit i’m begging you

Madhouse - i’ve had a concept for a music video for this since the first time i heard it but because they never released it as a single it’s sad i’ll never see it, just listen to it and i think you’ll immediately get a music vid concept too. but apart from that, it’s just a cool song with a nice beat and its fun to try and match their voices (and in my case, fail every time)

Make You Believe: A BEAUTIFUL SONG. the vocals are just unreal and i love it a lot

Love Drunk: i will never understand why this song didn’t make it on the standard edition of the album because it’s a good’un

Case Closed: i love this song so much ah tbh i dont know why all three didn’t make it onto the standard edition of the album they’re all worthy

favourites from the album: Always Be Together, Turn Your Face

Salute

Salute - the female empowerment song we all needed, and still as relevant today as it always has been. i don’t really need to say much about this, but i adore it and will always be a staple of pretty much any playlist i make

Move - this is one of those songs that i always try to match their vocals on (and fail). it’s just a song that i can’t help but sing along to, it’s so catchy and they sound so good and the music video is SO GOOD and have i mentioned i love it because i really do (plus who remembers when my blog title was jade’s solo)

Little Me - the song we’ve all needed to hear at some point or another. for me personally it’s more relevant than ever, i always want to go back in time and tell kirsten who was being bullied all of the things in the song. plus the unplugged version is beyond gorgeous (”you’ve got a lot of time to act your age, you can’t write a book from a single page” is such an underrated lyric imo)

Nothing Feels Like You - just watch this live performance. i need say no more.

Towers - the lyrics are just so good?? and the vocals are just so beautiful??? i feel like jesy’s vocals in particular shine on this song and she owns it. “sorry heart, i’m sorry heart but we’ll have to start again” makes me sad every single time i don’t know why, but it’s just the sign of a good song AND THIS IS AN EXCEPTIONAL SONG.

About The Boy - just watch this live performance. i need say no more, but just prepare yourself ok you’re welcome

Boy - SO. UNDERRATED. this song is mainly acapella minus drums, and people have never really spoken about it??? like they literally make up this song entirely with vocals??? solos, harmonies and backing alike??? p l e a s e listen to this song to get it some of the recognition it truly deserves i can’t sing its praises enough. WATCH THE LIVE PERFORMANCE AND FALL IN LOVE.

Good Enough - another of those songs that can be interpreted in more ways than just a heartbreak song. as the girls say in the salute album livestream, it can be read as feeling insignificant to a sibling or not good enough for your parents or friends, and it’s just a song we all need to listen to because we’ve all been in that position at some point (or in my case, very often) and it just needs more hype over it because it’s beautiful and the vocals are showcased beautiful and needs more love

Mr Loverboy - i love the subtle r&b influence on this song (even though so many people hate it) and it’s a song i can’t help but sing along to whenever it comes on shuffle, it’s just an easy listening song for me i love itttt

A Different Beat - a feelgood song that always gets the ol’ feet tapping. a wholesome message surrounded by an upbeat track and it’s a good all-rounder

favourite songs from the album: Move, Towers, Boy, Good Enough

Get Weird

Black Magic - the one that everyone knows, a song that you can’t help but sing along to, and catchy as hell. i’ve seen so many people say this song is their guilty pleasure which i always fnd really funny idk why. watch this acoustic version to fall in love yeah okay cool

Love Me Like You - another foot tapper and a v good all-rounder. also the music video is great (so much so i wrote a videofic on it lmao) i like it a lotttt

Weird People - this is a song that i feel represents me emotionally. every time i listen to it i can’t help but think back to tour when they just parade around the stage in ridiculous outfits and accessories and it was the best night ever i adore this song and i adore the girls

Hair - if you’ve not sung this into your hairbrush at least once i want you to stop lying to yourself. it’s such a bop!!!! i much prefer the original, it must be said, but i love the music video, it’s so fun and poppy and i think they did a great job (i’d say relatable but who am i kidding i don’t have friends to have sleepovers with) it’s also catchy as all hell it’s never just in my head for a few hours, it’s in there for days at least

Grown - I LOVE THIS SONG. realising you’re too good for someone who wouldn’t look twice at you in the past but now you’re going places they’re coming out of the woodwork? nah thanks kick ‘em to the curb. I LOVE IT IT’S SO GOOD I ADORE THIS SONG. plus in case you were wondering, it’s insane performed live, trust me. just really listen to the lyrics, they’re stellar

I Love You - SO. UNDERRATED. the lyrics are beautiful, the vocals are exceptional (jade steals the show for me with this song tho it has to be said) and where is this song’s recognition?? where the hell is it??? (”even if the tears fall and my heart hates me, baby i love you” // “and it doesn’t matter what no-one says, even if it’s broken, i love you anyway” // “even if these three words choke and take me, baby i love you” // “there’s nothing left but these i love yous” THIS SONG IS SO RAW AND FROM THE HEART IT MAKES ME FEEL HEARTBREAK AND I’VE NEVER EXPERIENCED HEARTBREAK

OMG - this. is. leigh-anne’s. song. she absolutely owns it and the song is such a bop and so sassy and makes me feel like i’m appealing to people which is always a winner. it’s such a good one to sing at the top of your lungs, trust me. try it.

Lightning - perrie’s vocals in this song, did you mean my death??? the girl puts her lungs to good use. if you’ve heard the song before you know which part im talking about when i say wow. the fact they can perform it live sometimes even better than the studio version is still unreal. i just love this song and i love the girls

A.D.I.D.A.S - this song is one of my all time favourites, i just love it so fucking much. it’s so cheeky and fun and my love for it just never ends. i like that they spoke about the topic of sex like this, in a nice and breezy, fun way, a lot of bands don’t do that. plus leigh-anne’s solo? end me. “slaving in the kitchen, iced you a cake, and i served you a plate, but boy that ain’t what you ate” is one of the most iconic lines in music history don’t argue with me 

Love Me or Leave Me - ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SONGS EVER MADE (as i briefly spoke about in Turn Your Face) i will forever be sad that this was never a single and they never performed it live, not on tour or in interviews. all four of their voices shine on this song and their solos are all exceptional. it’s one of those songs that always makes me emotional. listen to it with headphones on in a silent room and really listen to the lyrics. i can’t even choose one in particular because there are so many that make me an absolute wreck. prepare for emotions to hit you like a ton of bricks. 

The End - MY. ACAPELLA. GODDESSES. 2 minutes of heavenly vocals. enough said.

I Won’t - i adore the message of this song. love yourself, you are enough as you are. listen to this if you need a pick-me-up, because it’ll work, i’m sure (”nothing good comes easy, if it did i wouldn’t be me” is literally the lyric that defines my life)

Secret Love Song, Pt. II - i’ve spoken about this song so much on this blog but it’s genuinely one of my favourite ever songs in the history of music, i just adore everything about it. (i didn’t list the version with jason bc he just ruins it #opinion) the lyrics, the fact they wrote it for their lgbtq+ fans, the vocals, everything about this song is beautiful and i will continue to scream its praises until i’m old and grey. this song is so important and dreamy and i just can never stop raving about it.

Clued Up - this song is so important and more people should know about it. the fact it’s acoustic makes me love it even more, it’s so stripped back and the fact it’s not layered with an intense upbeat backing track really highlights their vocals and the message of the song, and i just love everything about it. each and every one of them gets a chance to showcase their voice and they all do it flawlessly, i just think more people should know about this song. also try telling me this song isn’t the very definition of the journey that dan has been on over the years because it is

The Beginning - MY. ACAPELLA. GODDESSES. AGAIN. 1 and a half minutes of dreaminess and bliss , the vocals are unreal and the fact there is literally no music at all, is a prime example of why little mix need more recognition

favourites from the album: I Love You, A.D.I.D.A.S, Love Me or Leave Me, Secret Love Song pt. II

Glory Days

Shout Out To My Ex - this, my friends, is how you do a heartbreak song, let ‘em know what they’re missing out on now! i love how upbeat this is and how it’s not dwelling on the past, and the music video is so fun and shows off their friendship so well and i just love it

Touch - a fun little song with a fun beat, if you’ve not had a dance to this song i don’t know what to say to you

F.U - ONE OF MY FAVOURITE SONGS EVER. i adore the motown vibe, all four of their vocals are showcased so well (especially perrie), and the lyrics are so sassy and i still have a music video concept in mind though whether or not they’ll ever release it and i’ll see if im right or not, we’ll never know. definitely listen to this song, it’s one of my favourite songs lm have ever doe

Oops - i adore every little thing about this song. their voices and charlie’s work together really well (and that live performance on the x factor floored me) and it’s a fun song and an exceptional all-rounder, if you ask me. realising you’re still feeling things for someone you once had a thing with and eventually realising they feel the same, what’s not to love? (plus the beat is amazing)

You Gotta Not - the lyrics are absolutely savage but the girls deliver them flawlessly (perrie steals the show for this song imo) and honestly rip whoever meghan trainor thought about whilst writing it 

Down & Dirty - literally the epitome of a club banger. if you dont have an overwhelming urge to dance when the beat drops then you and i have nothing to say to each other (”we international divas, but i started out making your pizzas” TELL THEM HOW IT IS LEIGH-ANNE i love this line it’s so iconic)

Power - i. love. this. song. girls dominate in more ways than one amirite (a proper bop though, jesy’s solo forever remains a highlight)

Your Love - i could literally ramble on about my love for this song for at least four days. it’s so adorable and the vocals are outstanding (especially leigh-anne) and it makes me celebrate a relationship i don’t have and makes my heart warm, though maybe thats because i am a hopeless romantic and this song is the anthem for hopeless romantics. all in all, LOVE.

Nobody Like You - what. a. beautiful. heartbreaking. ballad. each of their solos is beautiful and breathtaking, and this song is guaranteed to make you feel things. it’s so raw and you can hear the emotion in their voices and it just adds so much to an already beautiful song. i cant recommend this song enough. must listen.

No More Sad Songs - an iconic heartbreak song. my initial thought on what the music vid would be was nothing like what the official vid is, and i actually started a songfic for it but it ended up going where i didn’t want it to so i scrapped it BUT i love this song dearly, turning something sad into something fun and positive, always a fan. 

Private Show - i love how cheeky this song is, and i love the choice of lyrics. it’s a proper bop and i love it, it’s one of those songs i can’t not sing along to whenever it comes on. their vocals are also on point and i can never match them despite how hard i try

Nothing Else Matters - this song is so precious. jade’s vocals steal it for me, it must be said, but the chorus harmonies are to die for. i love the lyrics and how down to earth this song is, and it’s no wonder that it’s one of the girls’ favourites (most of all jade’s)

Beep Beep - i will genuinely never know why i adore this song so much, but i just do. i love everything about it. it’s so fun and cheeky and poppy, and their vocals are fire as usual, i just can’t recommend it enough. one of my favourites by far!

Freak - i love jesy’s voice in this song, and how overall the song is slightly urban and a bit grunge, i really love those influences. and if you don’t sing along with at least the chorus then i admire your willpower i really do. i love the lyrics and how they tell a clear narrative and i just love it in its entirety. sold song, more than solid vocals.

favourites from the album: F.U, Oops, Your Love, Nobody Like You, Beep Beep

this was a journey and has taken nearly three hours to write, so thank you for reading if anyone has read this far, this was fun :’)

[ileavemaybe]

Wondering how the world evolves, today i was at this tabbaco store. My exgirlfriend was buying my 20 Birthday present, or was it even the birthday present ? i think so, but i can't remember really.  okay get to the point the lighter, the gift i recieved from her, was broken after 2 weeks. I told her the lighter is broken and she told me to get back to the tobacco store in the Karstadt to reclaim it but I didn't for a long time. She was allways a little bit upset about me and about that she has a relationship with somebody that is not right with her principles.

She told me:"When i was sixteen, i proud myself that i never would have such a relationship like my best girlfriends. He lives more then 50 Miles(80 KM) away, smokes cigarettes, has parents he lives at, is unemployed,unathletic, brown hairs, green eyes" Okay she doesn't exactly sad it like i wrote it here, but her list about "Things about " .....perfectly ...  was endless. At least in her head but the guy she was thinking about as a 16teen years old girl, am I. 

Some Morning she sad: "Take me with you to Rosenheim, i reclaim the lighter myself because now its only a broken present." I replied: "Let me take the lighter i pass by the tobacco store at the evening." and wanted to take it out of her hand but she defended it, took it away beetween her 2 hands near to the body and sad with a confidently and louder voice: "NO! I please you now 4 weeks that you reclaim it and now you would take it it as easy as you dont loose any time to reclaim it. No Flo!". I twitched with my shoulders, and told her "Okay, you got 10 minutes then we have to sit in the car and drive away". She left with a sweet smile and a expression of happines on her face upstairs to my room. She was hurry to get started while i drunk my morning coffee and checked out the daily news on my smartphone. 

                                    --- 10 minutes later --- I closed and locked the door. I went to my car where she was allready sitting in. She allways had a usb-stick with her music on it. She kept asking me everytime if she could put her stick in the radio even thought i allways replyng "No problem.". I liked almost all of her music, i think she is liking my music also. Thats why she was keeping some songs, we heard both in the playlists. At all we never had worries about the music. So i got in my car. Right as i sat in the car seat she was asking me "Do you have a problem if we hear the music on this usb-stick?" and liftet her hand with the stick in it. I replied "No problem." while she was unplugging the iPhone cable. I started the car and was beginning to drive right to my work in Rosenheim. I asked her "Are you hungry? I will pass by the gas station in Bad Feilnbach." She told me :"I'm fine, I will buy something when we are in Rosenheim. " I pried my cigarette pack and was putting one of the cigarettes in my mouth and asked: "We can meet in my pause at the trainstation i can be there in 5 minutes from the shop if you want?".I took the lighter it lied in the gap right under the radio in my car. She answerd: "Yeah cool, when do you have your pause and how long is it?" and looked quizzical fast beetween the lighter in my right hand and that cigarrette in my mouth. I replied: "I don't can say really when i got my pause but i think between 12:00 and 13:00 o'clock i can manage it. My pause is only 30 minutes long, i need 5 minutes to the trainstation and back, so we got 20 minutes, when i have pause i'm hungry so i want to eat something but there are some takeaway stores." As i set my cigarrette in fire and cranked down the car window she was bugged and said:"Do you have to smoke now? huh?" I opened the roof door, There after I told her:"I allways smoke a cigarette here!" With a slightly disappointed and quite angry voice she said:"If you think ..." I remembered her:"Whats about my midday pause?" She replied: "Yeah, ehm, please let us eat in the Mc Donalds there, yummy." I answerd: "Sorry but if i have my pause i wanna eat something with nutrients. I think i will eat at this nice kebap shop with that beastly hot sauce".

Just after Fischbachau i enunciated my cigarette in the nearly empty ashtray in front of the gearstick. I was allways clearing it before i met her. I closed the window to my left again and turned the switch of the car roof window, at the middle by the front part of the car sky, from my VW Polo 6n builed in year 2001, to close. The window slowly closed and as it was finished i shoved the light-tight cover over it. Yes she neither liked the light or even if the sun was shining, the sunlight that was shinning through.

I have to say as my Dad was asking me what car i would like to drive as a new driver i told him:"Hey Norbi, i dont mind what car it is, i want to have a Volkswagen and a must have is the roof window. Please there must be a roof window!". He told me that he has to speak with the car salesman where our family bought all cars from and 3 weeks later we got him. That Volkswagen Polo 6n Build in 2001, with snow tyre at the backseats and mounted normal tyre on it. He had a little front damage and a accident damage at the tail. At his status he was certificated prized around ~ 2.800$ my Dad bought him for  about 1.500$, thats just more then 1.000$ off, i was like: "WOW! How did you do that? This is the nuts!" He told me: "Hey Flo, this car has to get through the TÜV-check, it will need new brakes and a new rear bumper-bar. This will cost me another 500$!." i replied: "I'm so overgrateful. Thank you Dad this and my driver lesson were the best birthday presents i've got in my whole lifetime! Really really, thank you." Mostly we call, i don't know if this talk was on phone but he asked me:"Did you allready ate your dinner today?" I answerd: "Yes Norbi, i allready had it. But we can go on Thursday if you haven't arranged something yet." He told me:"Doris is coming at the weekend, maybe she can manage a free friday so she will come at the Thursday evening. If you don't have a problem that Doris is with us, we can meet, me and Doris would have a meal out anyway, so why not?".On top of i asked: "No i don't got a problem with Doris, so can you call me on Thursday evening around 18:00 o'clock?". He replied: "Right, let us have another call on Thursday evening. I will tell you where we going to eat so you can catch us later there. Okay?" I answerd: "Okay, right. Yeah i have finished do you've got another question?" He said: "Nah Flo, it's allright, i call you Thursday. See you! Bear in mind that all is easy as long as you've started with it!. See you Flo! Servus!" I also said good bye and finished off the call with a touch on my smartphone. I really never had a problem with Doris, she is the new girlfriend by my father. My parents live in seperated homes but they are not divorced by each other. My Dad is tooking this as if they were complete strangers and is idle with my mum. My Mum was talking and is thinking about trying to force another bite at the cherry with him. But this has reduced in the last few weeks, when my Dad started to file a petition for divorce.Since this action they are little bit on daggers drawn. I live by my mum. She owns the house at our family grew up. In the meanttime I got a good mumship with her. Short time after the moment, they lived in seperated homes, my mum was looking out for a new boyfriend on internetpages for singles, where you've got to pay to recieve and send messages. So many online dating services now have a lock for reading or even sending messages.You only can break it by paying money. I can remember as i was 12 years old i logged into the internet across a modem. The modem also did a login sound, that was allways the same and after that sound you where logged in, into the Interne. You'd to pay for each single minute your computer was online. (The sound was really similar to this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aV8DEJ8ydJQ) This is were i did my first steps into the internet. I knew from google, so i checked it out. I don't know how but there were nobody to explain me how to connect to google.com but for me that was so logic that i have to clear the url-bar and type (world wide web)w w w.google.com into it and press enter. I pressed enter and the browser window turned into a white screen, it lasted some seconds and there were it. I easily managed to get myself to google.com. Now i would say "Okay greedy young boy go for the Porn search! :D" but i know i didn't searched for porn or something similar to that. I searched for music downloads because i heard about downloading music from the internet without to pay for it. I tried few search requests until i've found something that could help me so much. It was called Bearshare, this  is a file-sharing service software to swap data beetween all users into there network like eMule or Limewire. I regestrated at there Homepage and logged into the software. Now i was in a network, where every user that is inside this network does share his released data with me. Me as a user of this software shared my data to the users too. Because i knew some songs from friends and the radio. I tried to remember there dept and started to download "Xavier Naidoo - Wenn ein Lied(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLF-IDwRMr8)" and "Die Fantastischen Vier - Troy(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkvuDOB9XD4)". Xavier Naidoo is a interpret i still hear especially today. Die Fantastischen Vier are not in my gusto. The download of this two songs took more then 30 minutes. We payed a price around 0.25$ per minute so that two songs costed us around 10$ for just two songs. But hey! For me they were free because my parents had to pay it! I don't know how much songs i downloaded like that. The big problem that's why i tell you this random shit, was: as I was 13 years old, my family got a very serious letter from the judgement in Hamburg. There workspace was about the authorships of songs. They worked for the SONY MUSIC ENTERTAINMENT GERMANY GMBH. It's one off the biggest lables out here! They demanded 7.500$ from my parents. There reason to write us was: The IP-Adress from our router was spreading data with authorships to other users from Bearshare and all that without a permission from the lable.Our Internet provider was Telekom Deutschland GmbH where we had a ADSL, with a bitrate of 6.000kb/m in that throughhout. Because i didn't know that i was spreading data and i even didn't interesst me for that although i knew that was illegal to do. Allways you talk to People they told you:"Nah man, everybody is doing it! The chance that they will catch exactly you is very atomic! Believe me." But now i tell you something you will wonder. They catched all. They did there job like playing pokemon to gather all data from all pokemons in their edition in there pokedex. You maybe will think: "WTF? POKEMON? EDITION? POKEDEX?" Chill down. Pokemon is a video game on a gameboy colour for kids in the ninety's. There were around 130 different monsters called Pokemons and there were 2 different Editions: a red one and a blue one in them you couldn't find all the 130 Pokemons. The goal in the game is to gather all Pokemon data from all Pokemons out there, in your ingame handheld called Pokedex. I never finished to get all Data completly. It was very plodding to gather it all. The Pokemon tagline is "Gotta catch 'em all!" But why they only got all Data in their Edition? Because they only got the IP-Adresses from that users there shared their data, in the software was a setting to dissemble the data sharing, i was sure i took a snag inside the checkbox and saved the current options but i think the programm was unchecking the checkbox everytime it has been started. My Dad spoke to a lawyer he knew from his daily job. He meant maybe we can escape from their demand if we shuffle the accusation away from my parents to me, because i wasn't in the age of criminal responsibility and they couldn't accuse me. Despite that Norbi had to much proud to convict his own sun then my half-brother, Felix on my mother's side was also downloading songs on eMule and Bearshare. After one night, he wanted to slep over the information he got from the lawyer, he called him another time and asked him if we can do something else to stall for time or minimize the amount of the demand. Overall we stall time for 1 or 2 years and decreased the Amount of $ they called from 7.500$ to 2350$. My father payed the 2350 $ and that story was over. And now it slowly advise in oblivion.

  ----arbeitspunkt

My Dad lives only 10 Minutes away by car and we meet weakly for dinner or something else. He's a good driver and i took it from him. I think i drive good, I'm a completly defensive driver mostly i break only to emanate carefully and responsible to the public and also Belle told me she's feeling safe and i'm a good driver.

      She replied "Okay then i eat without you at the Mc Donalds, we don't have to meet at your pause." I was confused and said: "But i wanna see you, beauty!" She told me "But i don't want!" and laughed in a mix of immoral and joky like allways when she sad things only to see my reaction. In her favor that was just fun to play with my feelings like toys. For me that was real pain in my body, every sentence like that was a horrible and emotional feeling right next to my heart. It lasted one or two still standing and totally silent seconds, it felt like my heart stopped right into this second and was released after. Someday we layed in my bed cuddling and watched tv.I told her whats happening inside of me when she's making her joky games of feelings. She don't took me this serious as i was in this moment and told me "Ohhh man, Flo! You know me! You know thats only because i wanna see your reaction about and its really humorius. You know anyway when i do this, or not? Tell yourself it's only a joke and this is not real. You know i love you.". She stroked over my stomatch and went with her head to a kiss. I tooked it. After the kiss i told her: "It's hard to stop my feelings for you like you switch off a lamp. It's like you were scared this feelings just come i can't do anything about it.". She replied: "Flo! Just try to dessemble your feelings." I answerd "Okay i will try, but only because i love you so much" and we got another kiss. A few minutes ago she told me: "Also these things with your friend Niclas, you know this is only to get you jealous. But Nic is really sexy." My feelings are cold and i sad with bored voice: "Really?". She started to laugh and stuck me to laugh also.

We arrived the gas station in Bad Feilnbach i disembarked out of my car and went into the gas station. I left the carkey in it so she can hear music while i visited the shop. I was buying Cigarettes and a Red Bull like almost always every day. I don't had to refuel my car today, it was nearly full. After that i went back into my car where she was hearing the song "Maroon 5 - One More Night". (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lprIOaNug9M) I don't like that song and asked her if we can skip it. She answerd "You dont like that song? Why?" I replied "I don't like it because it's about a last night and i don't want to lose you anyday! I love you Isabelle and there's nothing i love more then you." She replied:" You know Flo, i told you i'm not there for ever , i go to the UK next year and gonna study there." I dont really know if i told her but i walked with her if she wants.I asked again "Can we skip?" she answerd with a lapsing voice:"Okay .... skip it.". We got our drive on from the gas station to the left into the roundabout and the first exit out of it, straight to the end of the street and leftwards to Rosenheim. There's another roundabout where we took also the first exit across the Wasserstraße (in English Waterstreet) via Pang right to Rosenheim. The street took it name from the for a street a typical mass of puddles. They are completly full when it is raining for some days. But maybe the name for the street has founded because that very small single farmer village Wasserwiesen (Wasserwiesen in english is Watermeadows) is right next to the roadend and in Wasserwiesen there are really meadows full of water. There are some they where really good fertile usually meadows in the past but now they are just full of water and mud like a lake. But they are not a real lake, they are like a water reservoir for the water that is coming from the mounts in the spring when the snow is dewing on the hills. When the Sun is approaching the morning behind the mountains. But this day wasn't sunny, it was cloudy and depressing. It doesn't semed to rain this day, and there was no rain at all. Maybe in the Evening but i dont know anymore. After Wasserwiesen you will do a 90 degree turn, and drive over the highway right to Salzburg and Munic. A bridge will get you right to the other side of it. I like that bridge because i can allways watch the traffic but I neither commend you to get to Salzburg over the Highway on a shiny saturday early evening because i allways laugh about the people in this massive traffic while I race over the bridge with like 80 miles per hour and there are standing on the highway with no solution at 30C degrees. 

[figula]

this week -

1. ive been doing a LOT better - that’s one of the good things about my madness - i go down very quickly but also rebound pretty fast. i think the one thing that bothers me is the memory of when things were bad for like a good year, and there was no rebounding, just a slow crawl out of the worst of it. HOWEVER - I haven’t been like long-term non-functional in literally like 10y and i think it’s probably a mistake to worry so much about the possibility of the next breadown being The Next Big One bc i think my life is so different now to when it was back then that it’s unlikely to become quite so bad anyway

2. not having a wall is really bothering me tho. one of my long-term obsessive thoughts is about the cat’s safety - i get very obsessive about the idea that she might somehow get trapped outside, which even when we had a garden wall to separate her from the road was a problem, so now w/o the wall it’s 10x worse lol. no idea when it’ll be fixed and she’ll be able to go outside again - the builder has to do another project first so we’re in limbo until then. i get very fixated on the idea that ben or ana will accidentally let her out and not notice and she’ll be cold / attacked by another cat / attacked by a fox :((( which is another facet of my obsessions tbh like this lack of ability to trust anyone apart from myself, like i have this really overinflated idea of my own responsibility / ability to keep the house safe (hence going around at night and unplugging everything, checking the front door, staring at my hair straighteners for about 10m, the usual) and like i wish i could just fucking stop bc i know ana and ben also love the cat and also like have brains?? and like keeping a cat inside is not rocket science! (+ hopefully even if she did get outside it would not end up in her death lol)

3. ben (kindly) told me that he finds it disheartening that it becomes an Issue every time we have to go and see his family, and that whilst he understands it’s not personal, it still feels bad. which is fair... i apologised about it bc i mean he is right + also he comes and sees my family w/ literally no complaint at all so yeah :/ having said this im a bit fuckin nervous about it now for imo legitimate reasons (i have accepted we’re going + that my problems dont constitute a reason to complain about seeing his family and am planning on being much less whiny about this in future) about this new fucking variant and like 10 mask-free people in one room hanging out, at least half of whom are in public-facing jobs. this is the first time since-covid so many of us would have been in a room - we’ve seen barely anyone since it all kicked off. the timing is bad. i know ben agrees w/ me about the concern bc he’s not an idiot, and he asked them on the GC last night if they can all test beforehand, but only one person responded so far and im a bit like :/ i feel uncomfortable about it bc i feel that after my complaints it definitely seems as tho im just trying to find reasons to not go. if they all test up beforehand im happy to go, but im a bit worried that a lot of them have not confirmed that they will, and idk, ill ask him what he thinks about that. bc his brother works in a shop, his mum works as a teacher, this new variant is supposed to be better at getting past vaccines? so im a bit like oooof this ... not great ... i feel like it’s reasonable to only go to a medium scale get-together if everyone tests neg beforehand? what do you guys think? but i dunno i guess at some point you also have to just do stuff... like you can’t entirely live under the shadow of stuff that might happen, including covid, and this is coming from someone who’s been INCREDIBLY careful the entire time

4. i have struggled w/ getting back to my wig work - im gonna start working properly again today bc im actually so behind. my site job also MAY be coming to an end in april - we will all have to reapply for the payment, and i don’t know, they may well feel it’s fairer to give someone a shot who hasn’t been paid for an entire year by that point. which i DO think is fair, and i would understand it, but i would have to take a MASSIVE step back from the site, and it feels kinda grim if they essentially fire their One Woman, given that ive done everything asked of me and am always well-ranked in the monthly numbers. i will probably make this clear in the reapplication - that i will not be around if there is no money. not bc i don’t care but bc i do not have the time. couple of things are working in my favour tho in that ive already proven myself to be a good member of the team + also that im one of the most highly-ranked people there in terms of permissions, so i can do everything rather than some more lowly-ranked people who can only do a few things. also you know. i feel like they would be aware of how bad it would look to let their one woman go honestly? bc they handwring a lot about the woman situation, so im curious how this will play out, bc to me it seems blindingly obvious that a lack of access to resources is one of the main reasons why more women dont hang out there. so im curious if they are gonna actually apply that logic and keep paying me.