#me getting sad and then feeling guitly about being sad which makes me feel even sadder which makes me feel any guiltier which makes me fee

[icharchivist]

DGM: It's pretty fascinating how the main 4 relate to Death. For all of them it's both simple yet very complex (honestly I wouldn't have room for maybe even one of them). Kanda protects people as best as he can but when they die he moves on very fast accepting that's part of the world he lives in. The only exception is his 'that person' who he refuses to believe is dead despite the possibility of it being so likely. And then it becomes Alma. Ouch. But again Alma dies and Kanda accepts that-

2 being happy things are made right between them before Alma goes and not letting Alma's burden him. In fact he's pushed forward by the restored bond and honest. Out of gratitude, his way of freeing Allen fro m the 14th is death if it comes to that. Kanda making it his priority in fact to be the one to kill Nea for Allen's sake. Alma got to die as himself. So will Allen. Lenalee is the strangest in some ways. She cares so much about her people she feels a part of her world gets destroyed if one-

3 person dies. She's kind of like Kanda though in that she can also move on really fast. She'll feel sad but not broken. Ex, Everyone thought all of the trapped Order members died during the Invasion when the L4 woke up. After Allen and Lenalee found out they survived, Allen broke down sobbing. Lenalee clapped her hands and smiled. 1 reaction seems bigger then the other. Not to say Lenalee can't be broken. Losing Allen nearly sent her comatose. She'd lose her mind if anything happened to Komui-

4 I think like Kanda, Lenalee has just seen so much death she just has to keep moving on fast like that. She's way more openly emotional about it but that sense of acceptance vs unacceptance is always inside her. I feel like Allen and Komui are the 2 people she cannonly can't accept death from because she relies on them too much (contrast to,her thinking Allen died to thinking Kanda died. Its not that she cares less at all but they both have different roles in her life). Lenalee can accept -

5 death and properly mourn a person she loved. But she is terrified of people she loves dying. Dying is more of a trigger death itself. Also let it be known she's ruthless. The only other Exorcist besides her to kill a Third was Sokaro (who implied he had to jump in and do it because Krory couldn't bare to). She hated to do it. But she did it (I don't think I did her justice but lets move on). Lavi. Wow Lavi he's someone who hates death. Like more then anyone. At least he's among the worst -

6 at coping with it. He spent most of his life watching humans massacre each other causing his hatred of humanity to blossom. Then his first real friend (Dug) died and his body became a akuma, forcing Lavi to kill it. But that only enforced Lavi's detached outlook on life. Ink was Ink. For whatever reason, Allen became the first real death he couldn't walk away from. There was actually a lot of things about it that have impacted Lavi's security. 1) Allen showed good humans like him existed -

7 and died unfairly. Things got darker. 2) for the first time Lavi suffered guilt and helplessness. He could have killed the akuma that made off w/Allen but failed. This was probably a 1st for him that a person he liked died (in his view) because he wasn't good enough. 3) it's pretty much canon every time someone he cares for dies Lavi gets triggered remembering the night Allen died. That night symbolized Lavi's humanity and he hates how much it hurts. Death is such a deep issue for Lavi. -

7 Death of himself is scary. But was prepared to kill 'Lavi' the mask if it interfered w/his goals. He was prepared to die to save Allen and Lenalee and beat Road. Death is natural. But humans killing humans is unsettling. Despite being so logical, being helpless to save his friends can make him illogical. All the pent up rage, hatred, despair and loneliness (and I believe a part of Lavi is very lonely) rush forward to the surface. He can become the most revenge driven and will settle things-

8 with death as the answer for the target if he lost something precious enough. Death is Lavi's worst trigger. It reminds him of how powerless and insignificant his own humanity is, no matter how above it he tries to be. In that way he can contrast Kanda who can find strength from death while Lavi finds only weakness. I thought I was going to yak about Allen. But Allen is Waaaay too much. I couldn't even death the surface w/o running out if room. But yeah their dynamic w/death is interesting.

This is fascinating and thank you so much for putting it into words and into my inbox! 

I think you’re spot on on everyone and i don’t really know what to add, and going onto Allen would be... boy where to even start, the guy’s story had been kickstarted by the death of his father and the guilt he felt toward it and the whole “i cannot mourn or the Earl will find me”.

In a way, I think all of this adding up makes a really neat tie in with the fact the enemy, the Earl, is weaponizing Death to start with. As in, the Noah don’t just spread death, they use people who died and the grief that comes from it in order to further harm people. Perhaps that’s why the two who were raised inside the Order have a better ability to at least handle it and move on?  Because they really have been sent on battlefields when they were children with that very specific mindset and threat of the Earl anytime. 

which makes me think, Lenalee especially reacted badly for Allen’s death for the same reason Lavi did: she felt guilty about it. she told him they needed to save Suman, she left him alone to save the little girl, and when Lavi yells at her about “there’s nothing we could have done” we see both the Lavi scene you mention showing he feels guitly the Akuma took Allen away leading him to his death, and Lenalee’s flashback of her moments with Allen. So it’s possible that the guilt that settled after Suman might haunt her for ever about Allen, especially with how much he gives her strength, while for Kanda for exemple, she grew up with him and they probably had a whole “we can die in battle anytime” mentality growing up that she might not have projected on Allen yet. Basically what i’m saying is that she had her whole life to come to term with the fact Kanda might not come back from a battlefield. But for Allen it was barely a couple of months and the guilt that sank in making it all the more difficult. 

Anyway back to my point, Lenalee and Kanda specifically having grown up in a war where grief was your greatest enemy’s strength, and who have both been child soldiers with a lot of loss to witness everytime (Lavi meets Lenalee while she’s crying over losses of a newest battle for exemple), so they have to find a way to move on and get used to it somehow. Both however refused to give up on their humanity while doing so: I suspect because both were holding onto the war for very personal feelings reason: Kanda to find That Person, and Lenalee so Komui’s sacrifice of joining the Order for her wouldn’t be in vain. 

Thus they have the distachement necessary from growing up in this state, but the emotional attachement needed to not lose completely their sense of humanity- in a way they find a way to ground themselves in the life they have to keep moving on into. It was their way to not let grief find them.

In opposition, even if Allen grew up always knowing of the Earl and after the Mana incident, of Akuma and such, Allen hadn’t grown up in the war. We know Cross rejected the Order’s orders and Allen was more concerned most of the time with the casual nightmare Cross’s life brought up. So Allen’s relationship with grief is one he had to deal with on a personal level (a bit like Kanda regarding Alma, while Kanda did manage to move on more than Allen, there are a lot of things that ties him back to the memories of Alma - it’s just that Kanda could move on by thinking of another alive person while Allen lives on for a memory. The irony is that Kanda’s “alive person” was Alma and now he’s dead, and that Allen lives for a memory of a dead person who is alive and is actually his enemy now. Oops.)

In a way Allen didn’t have to go back into thinking about the casulties of war to such a degree, he didn’t grow up on the battlefield, in a way he was more sheltered than litteral child soldiers who could be sent anywhere anytime. I think it’s interesting too that we’ve seen how Allen’s direct grief after Mana’s death affected him when you can compare to Kanda’s direct grief after Alma’s death for exemple. Allen had the time to freak out, to be a mess, the few flashbacks we have of directly after Mana’s death show that for all the terrible parenting Cross had done he actually gave all the time Allen needed to recover with his freak outs. But with Kanda after having to kill Alma, we don’t have much except that he had to immediatly be on the run with Marie until they could find Tiedoll.And I seriously doubt Kanda would have ever shown the amount of distress Allen had shown afterward - because Kanda was already daily tortured and a product of the war by that point while Allen barely knew about the war at all. 

When Allen the dog dies Allen is frustrated that Mana doesn’t show grief. He considers it abnormal. Which now that I think about it can mirror a lot how Kanda thought it wasn’t normal Alma kept on smiling after all the tortures they endured together and that’s why they fought a lot before realizing how much they just coped differently with the same event. 

... I lost my point wait. 

Anyway yeah so, the thing is, Mana did mention the Earl multiple times before but Allen always thought it was just something weird, and the “I can’t grief or the Earl will find me” thing was something Mana kept repeating but Allen didn’t get until the Earl actually found him. Allen paid the high price from not handling his grief and had since then forced himself to move on as quickly as possible without processing the grief because he’s traumatized by the event. In a way, both Kanda and Lenalee knew enough about the Earl to find another way to process death, and they have seen much more deaths than Allen has during his training with Cross one would assume, so they developped others coping mechanisms where Allen could just focus on the one he inherited from Mana. (and there is also a lot to say about how he is just repeating the same thing Mana used to say - Allen coped by copying Mana in every way after all. Kanda and Lenalee’s rolemodels are unlikely to be the dead person they would have had to kill and grief. Lenalee doesn’t have such a person in her life that we know of and Kanda didn’t take Alma as a rolemodel. So it’s already another aspect of how to relate to death).

Which brings us to Lavi and you’re entierely right about everything, i’m just adding: since Lavi have grown up wars after wars, it was indeed easier for him to deshumanize everyone around him in order to not feel attached. There’s no grief to process when you don’t have the attachement to the people who are dying. Which is already something that opposes the others three who all have clear people they care about so they risk grief, so they have to find a way around it. Lavi tried to protect himself from grief by not caring enough to have any reasons to, which was doomed to fall back against him because he couldn’t just not care for people.

Which now make me think specifically since when did Lavi know about the Earl and the Holy War? After all considering Bookman was on the Noah’s side 40 years ago there’s no way he wouldn’t know that grieving is a major risk in general. Which could add to why the non emotion rule even exist within the Bookmen. I doubt something that huge, that dangerous, wouldn’t be mentioned to a child  who is doomed to see grief after grief. But it feels like they took it by the wrong end. 

I think it’s that, with Lavi being an observer rather than a soldier, it was far easier to distach himself than for Kanda or Lenalee. Kanda and Lenalee by being on the field are always aware of how the rest of the people may be hurt in a mission. It’s more than likely that at some point, when they were young, some finders may have died because they weren’t quick enough, or died protecting them specifically because they can’t afford losing exorcists. It seems a given. So Kanda and Lenalee specifically has to deal with the fact people can die because of/for them. Lavi (and Allen on that regard) doesn’t. Because he’s not supposed to be on the battlefield enough to develop this sort of thing. So Kanda and Lenalee were in situation where the loss of people they couldn’t save were directly on their conscience and they had to find ways to deal with it. Lavi doesn’t have any reasons to have had this sort of dynamic with anyone on the battlefields he had been into.

and it’s not even mentioning that for Kanda and Lenalee, they grew up in the Order so they know the others soldiers to some degree and know why the soldiers sign up/are forced to join. They know the ultimate goal and had grown used to it. 

Lavi meanwhile had seen 49 wars, before the Holy War, he seems he stayed 4 months on each wars’s battlefield. No time to get used to people and to their motivations. so the easier to make it (”humans just like to destroy each other”) the less likely you torture yourself over what those conflicts bring. Which is signifiant that it’s the war he’s been into now for 4 years in canon that is now weighing on him and makes him unable to not face his grief. Except that it’s the very war where giving in to grief isn’t an option.

And I would be really curious about if Lavi grew up with the back on his mind that grief and the Earl was an issue, because therefore just like Allen there would be a deliberate choice tonot let grief get to you, without Lenalee and Kanda’s being forced to see too much grief in order to process it. 

... okay for someone who doesnt know what to add i added a lot kjdhfdkjf

But my point, the reason why i ended up developping that while you’ve been perfectly spot on and i feel like i’m just repeating your points, is specifically how relevent it is that the 4 main characters have very specific ways to deal with Grief and Death, while the main villain is constantly weaponizing both Grief and Death. So there is this whole thing too about the degree of awareness about the Earl, and how much the characters had been subjected to grief in order to find their way to cope with it to keep the Earl at bay. 

And I think it’s really, really fascinating that they all have their very distinct way to deal with it with different reasons each, and it’s arguably very ironic that Lavi, who’s the one who’s the most distached from the war where grieving is your enemy, that is the one who has never learned to grief properly. Evenmore so when you can argue that all the people who almost died near Lavi enough to push him to complete panic were all people who had been specifically aware of all of that, who all dealt with grief to some extend (Lenalee specifically pushed herself to her limits against Eshii because she still grieved Allen for exemple - Allen’s actions are still shadowed by his grief toward Mana - Even Chomesuke dying add to that considering an Akuma is made of said grief.)

The  way Lenalee, Kanda and Allen all deal with grief is super interesting as for what it means to the way they have grown up in the war, and ultimately, the Holy War had been the center of their lives. It never was Lavi’s however, so it is incredible to see how much grief had taken him by surprise and keeps challenging him over and over again, leaving him in complete distress.

The rapport they all have with death is fascinating to me. And it works so so so well with the fact the enemy is specifically using grief as a weapon. It makes such for a strong theme to run through the main characters it’s just. Gahh i’m just repeating myself but i love it.

thank you so much again for the initial ask! this is very spot on on all the characters and it sooo good to read!

[btsjimln]

💌

My prince my sunshine my love and light of my life my love and joy and literally the left side of my heart and soul, I genuinely don’t know how to start of this letter other than immediately jumping into my thoughts and feelings that keep me up at night that make my heart swell and grow in size that have feelings of love and joy rise  to the point where i have to let it out which this time resulted into the beginning of this letter. 

Often when i go to bed at night I think about you actually most the time. I think of your laugh and your smile and I genuinely  and effortlessly start subconsciously  smiling and the feeling of love and joy starts bubbling up in my heart sometimes i even think of how clumsy and goofy you are on stage just to fuel the feeling thats bubbling and growing inside of me and sometimes i think about how nice and kind you are how loving and caring you are and my heart kind of deep dives and swarms over with love and this time my thoughts went into that direction.  

This time when I was laying there in the dark I thought about how whenever I’m upset in any way, whenever something goes wrong for me, whenever i feel something negative or even see something negative I just think back to you,  I think of you how thoughtful you are how kindhearted you are how considerate and caring you are and I find comfort in it i think about how situations related to you are so easy and smooth and I even compare negative sights to your positive light

Because of that you have taken away the ache in my heart countless of times, pried away the ugly feeling that cluthes onto it and  overflowed it and had it swell in sizes with nothing but love and joy, you’ve had it even grow and bubble over with pride and delight over the kind of person you are. you’ve even made it ache and hurt because of it but only in the best way possible (those times are the times i’ve wanted to give you the world for the kind of person you are but have never managed to do it)

You really are my happiness in this world. You genuinely bring me so much joy you make me so happy you make me smile and laugh -like genuinely when not much actually makes me feel that joyful. I also feel grateful for your happiness for your laughs and smiles I wish I could always see you like that I literally wish I could give you my happiness sometimes for at the end of the day you are the one who caused it, so you can be happy all the time and never know of any sad times . Your happiness your laugh your smile it makes my heart click in place and I always want to see you at your happiest

Whenever I think of you of how kind and sweet you are how lovely you are my heart swell it literally swells in sizes it feels like it’s engulfed in love thinking about all your random acts of kindness and I truly find myself  feeling bad for the people that miss out on your existetence but I truly am grateful I found it

You know what I love about you I love so much about you I love that you love moon and sun and stars so much just thinking of something as simple as you looking out at the sky and admiring the view makes me want give you the sky and all its colors stars the moon sun all it bestoves and holds

I love how simple things make you happy how the sight of fireworks are enough to fill your heart with love and joy it makes my heart filled with love and joy and feel happy and content

I love how you’re so entranced by the sight of the world the beaches and seas sunsets and sunrises the amount of times I wished to be able to show you the world are countless. I’ve wanted to take you everywhere and show everything worthy of seeing i’ve wanted to have your heart filled of sights and views to the point where it can never feel empty you are truly one of the very few if not only people i know who appreciate the beauty of this world who looks at everything with a childish glint in their eyes and with so much awe

I love how kind you are how sweet you are how the person you present yourself as to be , is who you are  , how you once said you just want people to know how since you are and I see it I see it and others do to and people talk about it and even when you dont bother to show all the kindness you constantly give to the world it slips out for the world to see and admire it all

You were raised with so much love and kindness  in your heart I cant believe there was once a sweet little boy feeling the need to return 50 cents to the police station

I really always wish you  happiness I wish it for you for when the world can see you, when you’re at concerts, when you’re performing but I also wish it for you for when you are alone and the lights are out and the world  is asleep  I want you to be as happy as possible, always

No letters is enough for you because you are so amazing and wonderful you really really really are to the point where letters are enough

Your heart holds so much and feels so much and I admire it so much i admire the happiness you feel at the simplest things I admire the pain your heart must’ve carried I am in awe of what your thought processes must be, for the things you sometimes blurt out are so mind blowing. They’re always so thought through so cleaver and wise it makes me want to hear more of them to learn from them I fucking love how empathic you are I couldn’t give a single shit what others think about it the fact that you cry at the sight of someone else crying is so endearing to me you heart is so big and loving and caring and would run across the stage whilst in the middle of a performance to comfort someone whos crying

Park Jimin you’re such a gentle soul I  cant believe you exist in this world I get so overwhlemed to the point cant believe you’re out there and you’re real and you’re this amazing

To me your eyes hold so much warmth and love and kindness and gentleness and I hope everyone sees it to for I know it’s not just me being too in love or anything like it your eyes are a peak into your soul every single emotion you feel shines through your eyes your kindness your compassion your caring and loving nature everything shows through your eyes theyre literally pools of warmth and love 

Your voice makes my heart swell in sizes and makes my soul feel alive sometimes it makes me shy sometimes it brings comfort to my heart sometimes it relaxes me sometimes it makes me smile and laugh

I love you so much I genuinely  love you so much

I made a list of a ll your good words and deeds but I feel like it faded in the background and failed to show all the kindness you give to the word but I do hope your kindness is seen wherever you go and that none of it is taken for granted for your heart and soul are SOSO SOSOS SOSOS pure I genuinely wish I could give you the world

I wish I could take your random acts of kindness and put it on pieces of string and showcase for the world to see you don’t know how badly I want to do it to have you recive all the love and joy you deserve to have people understand all the love and joy that’s in my heart

You have proved to me that one can be the kindest and still get so much negativity you don’t deserve any of it and I’d literally give my left arm for you to never feel bad about anything ever again your heart knows no limits your soul is never dull nor dark you are so amazing and wonderful I love you so much I can’t believe you exist Park jjimin the kindest soul to be put here

Please don’t ever cry please always smile and if your heart gets heavy sometimes please remember how amazing you are how loved you are how cared for you are

You are the light in this world the world would be nothing without your laughter and smiles without your giggles and cute squeaky sounds without the kindness you show for random cats on the street the love and care you show for your members

You are everything you are  genuinely everything and I love you for it

Park Jimin I have never been good with words but with you I’m like a a poet rambling up novels of idioms and metaphors  you make me feel so much so much I want to let it all out or else it feels like my heart will burst or else it feels like im so engulfed with emotions I’ll explode from it

And i know sometimes things get hard i dont understand it at the extent  you do (which sometimes breaks my heart because i feel guitly being unaware of your pain and enjoying myself like your worries and struggles dont matter) but i know sometimes things are rough and you take it heavily to heart. You don’t know how much it hurts me not seeing a smile on your face or seeing your exhausted face after a rough day it has my heart actually feeling crestfallen i wish to take all your worries and struggles away i wish i could carry them sometimes i genuienly feel like a parent whos hearts aching for their child thats hurting . Thats why i cherish your laughter and smiles why i thrive in how happy you are why i feel so good knowing you are at the top of the world and not being dragged down by any negative emotions

I wish I could tell little encouragements to you  I wish I could tell you all the things about yourself that I love so much about you  your eyes that hold genuinely so much love and kindness your kissable and boopable nose your pretty plump lips that wear the cutest pout there is how you never show your struggles and worries because you wouldnt want to burden anyone

But I also want to tell you that I love you and that I cheer for you that I root for you that I appreciate you that I’m grateful for you for your existence for your smiles your laughters your presence your sosoo bright presence

You don’t know how happy you’ve made me how much you’ve done for me how much you’ve done for the world what an impact your existence is to the world how many people you inspire and how many people you have want to move forward

I hold you so high in my eyes I see you as someone who would light up every star in the sky who would take their clothes of their back I genuinely cant see you anything but kind

Jimin I love you I adore you I care for you my heart literally holds so much love for you and my eyes pour out all the adoration I feel for you you should literally see the way I look at you sometimes it genuienly  feels like love pouring out my eyes I would give you the world each and every single star anything and everything you want you are my love my joy my heart my soul my everything in this world I can feel your presence in the right side of my heart in the right side of my soul I can literally feel you tugging on my heart stringes there and making that part ache you make me feel my heart in my chest 

I cant evene express how immensely thankful I am for someone who cares so much for fans like you do I feel so cared for and yet I’ve never met you you make me feel so loved and appreciated and seen you are so amazing I have never met you nor have you met me yet just from your constant words it feels like Ive met you multiple time from it and spoken to you as a close friend who you constatly comfort

Your heart is golden you soul is so pure there’s so much good in your soul I love you to the point where there are no word im literally geting overwhelmed just thinking of every single thing you’ve ever done for someone you loved to the point where my hearts swelling in sizes at the thought, Hushsusjiddjddjjdjdjdjdjdjd im trying not to cry writing this but I love you so much

Do you evene know how golden your soul is it literally has me cryin doyou know how kind you are compared to the next person you’re so gentle. It really aches in my heart for all the people that only see you for your looks because you are so much more, there is so much more to it. I wish to god I could just express everything here all at once every single word thought feeling I feel when I think of something simple a random act of kindness you’ve done for someone and explain just how I feel from that but I cant

You are literally my comfort and my safe place you are my happy place and the place I search to come to when I feel alone. Jimin I love to so much. i love you with all there is in me I really really live you with everying in me. Your heart knows no boundaries when it comes to kindness your soul is so wise. I don’t even deserbe to write this letter I genuienly feel like I’m not doing you any justice but I honestly didn’t know you’d be this important to me and that I woukd come to love you  like this  to the point where my heart is filled with so much love from simpöe seeing a picture or a video

As astounding as it might sound your smile is the first smile I love and adore so much the first smile I’ve genuinely fell for the first laugh I’ve fell for I’ve never understood the adoration and love people hold for someone’s smile until I saw yours and now all I do is think about it when I go to bed at night 

I see the pieces you give I see the parts of your soul you hold. The amount of times I’ve said this man must’ve never held any bitterness to anyone sure you’re human and some negative emotions you must have felt sometimes but the way you look st your friends when they achive the tiniest things the big smile on your face the pride in your eyes, the kindness and care you show towards animals and strangers its so easy to see how good you are as a person jimin

The time I saw you react to the bird with a misssing leg was probably the first time I was genuinely shocked and blown away with how kind someone can be istg I had never ever ever seen such a genuine reaction before like this it took my breath away it genuinely blew me away i didnt know how to even process it

You are so considerate caring thoughtful and loving you are so much good and more you are so important my love

You don’t know how much you matter how much you light up the world how precious you are how important you are

Thank you for being such a big and significant part in my life

happy birthday jimin  i love you so much