#me before: Celia can do what she wants she's evil and hot

[famdommcfanface]

I would kill anyone for Alice Dyer.

[gunmetalarchived]

after the fight with @consultingsister ft. @diabolicaltendencies @epiitaphs @theasteriae

SEVERIN After the X-rays, and making sure his brother finally got seen to, Severin hadn’t known what to do with himself. With his misplaced anger and grief. Whilst he was busy, it had been easy to ignore. He had a job to do, and as director of the Hospital, he had to handle the situation. Avoiding Sam had been easy, with the man so distracted by every other player in the over-dramatic series of events.  The problem came after the work day ended. And he had stoped to asses the worst of the damages. Something on his chest didn’t feel right. He hadn’t peeled back his shirt to have a proper look yet. There were scars covering black eye that looked a little impressive by now. Sebastian as going to be stuck in overnight, and Severin wasn’t sure they could even have a real conversation about what had happened if he wanted to. He left the hospital to stop the awkward questions, dodging the gossip as he walked home to his small flat south of the river. But his feet didn’t take him there. He followed the rhythm of step after step, numbly heading out across the city. He moved through the funeral numb. He moved through Jasper’s recovery numb. In all honestly, he couldn’t even remember the last time he had said her name. Had he been avoiding using it? On some subconscious level, that had to be a piece of it. Since the phone call, he had to keep running at a hundred miles an hour, breaking his neck to save the next person who needed him. It couldn’t happen again. The number of the building wasn’t even on the outside, this place was so fancy. He was almost stopped by the doorman, probably based on the dishevelled state he was wandering around in. Severin headed for the stars in order to avoid his questions too.

Royally fucking up didn’t even cover it. He was going to be fired, or suspended. He could live with either of those but lashing out at his wounded cousin who clearly wasn’t in a fit mental state to know the impact of his actions? It ate him alive from the inside. He felt the hot tears welling in his eyes, even as he tried to push them away and figure out which door was hers. He should go. The door opened before he could knock, almost certainly the worried doorman had called up.    ‘ I-“ The lump in his throat stopped him immediately, the sight of her both taking his breath away and landing another blow. In all the chaos, it had completely slipped his mind. He was supposed to meet her at the pub by UCL four hours ago. He was fucked that up too.    “ I-“ He tried again, his voice cracking this time as he couldn’t keep up his fight. A few tears began rolling down his cheeks, trying to regain control of the situation. “I’m sorry.”

CEE She wasn’t mad at him. This is how their lives were. Cee had even been prepared, bringing along her iPad and a book. In the two hours she waited she’d had three glasses of wine and got all her emails done. She had also finished the book she started over a month ago. It was even a little nice. Sure, dinner with Sev would have been nicer but it was like she was on a date with herself; something she hadn’t done in a couple years. Eventually, she had phoned. The haven’t you heard reply when she asked where they thought Sev might be didn’t worry her. It wasn’t the hasn’t someone told you that nurses give when a family member is in a coma and no one thought to call the brother. It was gossip. A tone of delight. If she was honest, she didn’t believe the receptionist. Alright, she fully believed that Sebastian and Sebastian had a punch up outside but thought there was some miscommunication. It tended to happen. Hospital chinese whispers. Severin had been there when it started, maybe got hit in a crossfire but he didn’t actually throw a punch. But the story seemed to have been verified by an eyewitness on her cigarette break and Tonya was dating on of the security guys so it seemed to be all true. Sev had been fighting. On her slow walk home, she half convinced herself that this was some sort of odd reaction to them getting back together. Sev taking out anxiety about commitment sort of thing. But by the time she had gotten home, she had decided to stop thinking so selfishly and order enough chinese for two and put on Some Like It Hot. Not a film you can stay annoyed while watching. The call from the lobby didn’t surprise her. She fixed her hair to make sure he would feel truly bad about it all and then met him at the door. Only he didn’t look like he could feel much worse. “Come here,” she coos, wrapping her arms around his shoulders as she hugs him, still in the hall. “What have you been doing to yourself, you idiot.”

SEVERIN He hardly beloved what had happened, and it was his own fist that had made contact with Sebastian Morans jaw. The second he felt the arms of her embrace, his body wracked with hot and heavy sobs. He didn’t cry like this. Even through the worst of loosing their child. He held strong for Cee and mourned for what could have been, but he hadn’t been through it alone. He could sleep at night knowing they had both given it all they could, and sometimes it just wasn’t meant to be. As their relationship started to fall into pieces around them, he could console himself that the time they had shared was worth every heartbreak. In private, he’d shed a tear. But his chest aches, not from the black and blue bruising that was starting to pull to the surface but with what he had let himself become. He didn’t recognise this person. Angry, tired and selfish. “I-“ He tried to talk but he wasn’t in a fit state to say much. Her kindness was making it all worse. He didn’t deserve it. “I fucked up. I’m sorry, I’m just so sorry.” What was he sorry for? All of it. Loosing her, moving away, pulling her back in, hurting his family... it was all his fault.

CEE Ask Cee and she will tell you that she doesn’t like men who cry. If they can articulate their emotions from time to time, she was happy. But Sev was pretty much always the exception from the rule. He was the nice guy who treated her right, a break between all the guys who fucked her over for their own amusement. He was a genuinely good person, the sort of person who made her look pretty evil in comparison. Her grip was tighter shoulders his shoulders and she turned her head to kiss his neck, whispering into his ear. “Shh, stop it, you don’t need to be sorry, come on, get inside.” The doctor pulls back but doesn’t let go of him, gently pulling him inside and then closing the door behind him. “Here, look,” she picks up a box of tissues and points towards the sofa. “Go, sit, I’ll get you something to drink and something to eat and you can tell me what the hell happened today.” She didn’t wait around to guide him to a seat, instead going to collect two crystal glasses, a whiskey bottle and left over take out. Cecelia’s home didn’t have a lived in feel and yet it was very Cee. There were pictures, mostly ones Mary had insisted on putting up, even one of Sev somewhere but the style was modern, almost clinical. Admittedly, between being at work and staying with friends, she didn’t spend much time at home. “Take this,” she ordered him about like a patient taking medicine. The whiskey was a smooth gold; only the very best. “What the fuck, Sev?”

SEVERIN Her grip hurt, but he hardly noticed. He was making so much of a fuss in the hall, he was an idiot. He should go, work this out and pick it all away where it wouldn’t hurt him anymore. The problem was that he let hisself be lead over the threshold of her door, into her home. He tried to wipe the worst of the saltwater onto his filthy cuffs, covered jn died blood and gravel mostly. He hadn’t really changed once his sprint from the car, too distracted by everyone around him. Putting himself last until he didn’t have a choice anymore. He moved to perch nervously on the edge of the sofa, ignoring the tissues as his eyes darted nervously around the room. His vision was too blurred to take in his surroundings clearly, his tired eyes puffy from both the blow to his face and the tears. He was too tried to argue against orders, and took the whisky to awkwardly drum his fingers against. His breath were still deep as he fought to stay calm. “I lost it. I don’t even know what I was thinking- I-I wasn’t thinking I just... I couldn’t stop it, even if I wanted to it’s-“ His mind jumped around from reasons to excuse without letting him bridge the gap between the two. He carried on trying to pull steady breaths through his nose and out his mouth, only pausing to take a sip from his glass. “He didn’t mean it- I know he didn’t. But he said that stupid thing about the crash and I couldn’t stop.”

CEE The crash. A delicate subject and somewhat unwalked territory for Sev and Celia. Cee had visited Jasper in hospital now long after, word of mouth had got back to her. She shifted somewhat uncomfortably, her knees pressing against his as she turned to face him. She kept her own whiskey clasped between two hands. “Who did... Bash?” Cee knew the three key-players in today’s little drama and doubted Seb would bring up the crash, let alone saying something stupid about it. “Listen... I’m not saying violence is the answer here but I feel like Bash deserves a punch to the face now and again. Hell, even I have thumped his arm for comments about my skirt length.” She tried to inject some humour into the moments but she could feel it falling flat before it even left her mouth. She changed track and instead reached out to take one of his arms. “Losing it every once in a while is... that’s okay. What did, what did he say?”

SEVERIN He could barely even look at her. He brought the glass to his lips again, still trying desperately to count his breaths. In for 7. Out for 11. Just like every panicking patient he had treated. Maybe he would be able to stop the pounding of his heart and how it seemed to hammer away in his eardrums like crazy. Finally, after what left like a lifetime but was probably closer to thirty seconds, he gave a curt nod. It had to be the polarisation of what he was feeling and what she was saying, but he couldn’t help but laugh at her comment even in his state. “Wouldn’t recommend it, honestly.” Partly due to his reaction, partly due to the swelling in his fingers that didn’t want to go down. Her touch was more welcome than she could know. And yet he dodged her question entirely, possibly not even aware he was doing so. “I’m sorry. I meant to be there tonight, I really did and I show up all... I don’t know.”

CEE She herself gives a shrug, as if it was nothing. “Would we really be top quality doctors if we didn’t forget about our personal lives?” Another joke, another smile, she can’t help herself. She spends her days with panicking mother’s and new-dad’s pretending they’re big strong men when in reality, they just need a strong coffee and a hug. You adopt a only semi-serious demeanour after that. Everything is fine, everything is okay, even when it’s not. Without really thinking, she leans forward so her forehead is almost touching the side of his head and hen flicks up her nose. It’s a vintage move of hers, she used to do it on Sunday mornings. It was a hey and a what are you thinking all in one, without really asking. It felt right but her stomach squeezed uncomfortably as if she had done the wrong thing. Passionate sex I his office is one thing but this is real intimacy. “I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to be okay.”

SEVERIN Cecelia was right. She was always right. They hadn’t always shared a love of career and each other, he understood completely when he had to take a back seat to her ambition. He would never, and could never resent her for that. In fact, it was one of the reasons he adored her. Her drive, her comparative nature, it kept Severin on his toes. He wanted to be a better person to be with her. And yet he’d let himself down. The gentle press against his forehead was like a leap back in time, enough to make him fight tears all over again. Trying to love as little as possible, he set his glass down and reached for her waist, as if to pull her into his lap. Any distance between them was too far. It had been pent up frustration that pulled them together again, the issue was that this was something real. Tangible familiarity so bitter sweet it could hurt. He shook his head against hers a little, his brow furrowing. “I’m not sure if I can tell you that.” He had to do it. He had to say her bloody name. Just once.   “He said if he’d been there, maybe Alex and the baby, they’d...” he couldn’t finish that sentence any more than his cousin had. Because the worst part was, he could have been right. “I should have been there. I should have been here.”

CEE She gives a sigh of frustration, maybe even annoyance, tinged with amusement. “That Basher Moran is really something else.” She thought she knew his type. She chose medicine because it was prestigious, rewarding, exciting! He chose medicine, for lack of a better word, because he liked being the guy who swooped in and saved the day. “Superman wannabe...” she snorted, finishing her thought out loud. Cee followed Sev’s lead, lifting one leg over his and straddling him with both knees by his side. This was an excellent manhadinging position. Easy to grab his jaw, make him look into her eyes and hear what an idiot he was being for still feeling this way. She didn’t though. Instead, she pushes his hair back, over and over, almost absent mindedly. “You weren’t though,” she says, simply. “And we don’t have the ability to see into the alternative universe that you were. For all you know, it could have been ten times worse.” Her hand drops, as do her eyes. This time, she does pull up his chin. “Are you going to spend the rest of your life wishing you change the past and... miss changing the future? That’s your life plan, Sev? That’s fucking rubbish.”21 October 2020

SEVERIN A smile graced his face again, glad to have her in his arms. Glad to have someone who could cut through the mess inside of his busy head. Severin had never been much good at battling his own thoughts, he acted first and just had to live with the consequences. Every part of him was as reckless as his late sister, and his older brother. If a little less openly self destructive. With her fingers taking softly though his hair, he started to focus on her eyes. He blinked once, twice, as Cee questioned him directly. For all her sympathy, he hadn’t expected it. Lulled into a false sense of security, this was what she probably planned all along. “But I should have been.” He couldn’t let it go. Not when he saw the effect ricochet across his life. He shook his head again, small and unsure in the face of her confrontation. His life plan had gone out of the window the second she hadn’t been there- mainly because his entire plan had consisted of following her to the end of the earth. “I’m trying. I’m here. I came back. But what use am I starting fights instead of preventing them? He’s... he’s not well and I was treating him, Cee.”

CEE Cee can’t say she doesn’t understand. On bad nights, after losing a patient, or sometimes when a patient gets to walk out of the hospital with their new bundle of joy, Celia replays the hours and days before losing their baby. An odd pain there, a sip of wine she was told not to have, a m moment that she knew something wasn’t quite right and yet did nothing. What if she had done something. What if, what if. And then it’s 5am and she is putting her own life, and her patience life, in danger because she hasn’t slept with thirty-six hours. She walked around the halls like a zombie, fretting over something she could never actually change. “Before you came back, Sherlock came in to hospital. Massive OD, still says it was an accident. It was... touch and go for a couple hours. Actually, it was some sor to miracle he came through it. And the first thing I did when he wake up... was hit him. He made some stupid comment about heaven being more clinical than he imagined and I lost it wit him. I think I pulled out of one his tubes, a nurse had to pull me off of him.” Her eyes gleam with unshed tears and yet she smiles like she’s recalling a funny memory; it was funny. After all that, they brought him back just so Cee could kill him.

“My point is,” she clears her throat, “I spend my whole day being calm, level headed and professional. Cold, even. I am with mothers... with parents at the very beginning of their magical journey and they usually come to me when it’s all going wrong. However, it is not my job to b calm, level headed and professional when it’s my brother. When it’s someone I love. That’s why there are rules, that’s why we don’t treat family. Because... if you had been there, if Bash had been there, you would not have been calm. He would not have been calm. He might have even lost Jasper too. So thank fuck you weren’t there. Thank god, it was calm, level headed, professional doctors, doing their best work to save your little brother. But we don’t save them all Sev, you know that as well as I do. We can’t save everyone.”

SEVERIN It was putting too much out there to admit the last time he had a solid nights sleep in his own bed had been the last night they spent together before it fell apart. He often found himself int he on call room, or hidden on the couch in Sams office, even with his flat less than a twenty minute run away. He might go home and change, although he was far more likely to shower at the office and just find yet another clean pair of scrubs to cover up the fact he was burning the candle at both ends. Abroad there was always an excuse to keep going a little longer, although with an extremely qualified staff, he had no excuses now. Severin listened intently, pushing the stray hairs off of her cheek and letting his hand linger there. He didn’t know. It wasn’t like her brothers spoke to him anymore. Sherlock had always been... tricky. “Sounds like he had it coming, giving you a scare like that.” He pushed against her forehead, closing his eyes to mimic her gesture with his nose. God, it was like they were teenagers again. Her scent, her touch, it was grounding. “You’re right. You always are, it just doesn’t stop...” He couldn’t save everyone. He let the silence had for a moment before he carried on. “I miss her.” He had to learn to process his grief, and not let it explode out of him. Especially with Bash in such a fragile state. “I don’t think I’ve been in a fight with Seb since... I’m actually not sure I’ve been in a fight?  Does the scuffle outside the Cock Inn count?”

CEE “Nah, everyone scuffles outside the Cock Inn,” she waved her hand as if she was waving away the very idea. It’s been such a long time since someone touched her like this but with Sev, it was like falling back into an old routine. Her leg goes there, his hand goes there. They slid into a position every time. Two halves creating a whole. It throws her off to hear Sev even alluding to the existence of Alex. For the most part, she avoided bringing up the subject of family, for either of them. Things were never less complicated just because you loved them. “Do you remember that time I let her do my hair? And she held the straighteners in too long and it burnt? My first ever bob.” She talks like this was some fond memory, which it was now, although at the time it was pretty traumatic. Celia had had long flowing hair since she was twelve; having to suddenly cut it too her shoulders had been horrible. “What do you miss the most about her?”

SEVERIN “That was your fault, you saw her hair and thought of course this girl knows what she’s doing. Yeah right. I thought you looked pretty sexy with a bob, if that matters.” It shouldn’t matter, he was very much a biased opinion. The corners of his mouth lifted in an soft smirk, his body growing still now he was comfortable enough to just breathe in sink with her. Calm. At peace. He closed his eyes, they tightened a little as he tried to remember the bitter parts of his difficult relationship with his younger sister. Not that Alex had an easy relationship with well... anyone. “It sound mad, but the rows she used to have. That house is just- it’s eerie now.” He hadn’t been back since the Christmas after the funeral, always finding an excuse to avoid being in his childhood home. It was hard to see the place in a state of cold absence. With a heavy breath, he found something brighter to hold onto. “She used to sit up on the roof with Seb and I, just blaring records and smoking where mum couldn’t complain. She knew all the words to every one, she thought it was Seb who had the half decent taste. No idea that mans totally tone deaf. They were all mine- well, one or two stolen from dad but she found them his side of the room and just assumed...” He had never once corrected her. He couldn’t take that away, that adoration  for their oldest brother who was her hero. He was fine with it really, as long as he got to share the summer evenings on the roof in the fading daylight. “When you were pregnant, she appointed herself the baby’s music teacher. She was going to make sure that kid had ‘style’ apparently.”

CEE “I’d never had the chance to be a big sister before, it was exciting!” She gives a whine that becomes a laugh. Cee had never had a want to be a big sister until she met Alex. Jasper was easy, over eager kid who appreciated anyone who treated him like a person, not a baby. Alex had to be talked into liking Cee. “I had to prove to her that I wasn’t just another nerd for her brother’s class. I had style, I was cool. Right up until I got pregnant... suddenly, mum, no style.” She laughs again but can’t quiet keep it up. The baby for Cee is much like Alex for Sev. An open wound, better not to prod at it too much. “She... I think she was the only person who didn’t treat me like glass after, you know? I don’t know, I was so ashamed to see your family after, like-- like I’d fucked it all up and everyone was so nice. I couldn’t-- well she still treated me like I was me. Asked if she was still her it’s godmother anyway.” It was hard to place herself in Sev’s position; losing a younger sibling. She is Alex in her family. Two doting older brothers. She knows that Mycroft feels a certain levl of responsibility for his younger brothers that Celia doesn’t. Myc had always been a grown up, no need to baby him. “What do you think she would be doing now? In some sort of rock band?”

SEVERIN Alex Moran had always had a mind of her own. Screaming until she was called Petya, biting teachers, breaking every rule she had been set and then some. No one, with the occasional exception of Seb who she had a special soft spot for, would be cool enough. Cool for her was not caring at all. She was effortless in her style and her rebellion, a born hellraiser. The more his kind lingered, the more he ached to see her again. He wasn’t going to break the illusion that Cee had of her, because in all truth Alex probably didn’t know how to treat someone like glass. “Cheeky fucker.” Severin shook his head a little, knowing he’d missed the toughest year with her. “Hmmmm, maybe. She talked about joining the army, even though mum was dead set against it. Even started to dry out a bit.” One of the last nights he had as holding her hair back, watching the absolute state she had worked herself into with bloodied fists on the edge of alcohol poisoning. “I don’t think sitting still was ever an option.”

CEE “I can only assume your mother telling her no would push her towards it.” Celia had never known a real parental-child relationship until she came into the Moran family. They seem to all take up their parts in a play; Sev the golden boy, Alex the daughter who couldn’t help but hate her mother. It was hard to imagine Celia ever fighting with Violet. If she went by what Mycroft said about their mother, Violet had never shouted in her entire life. Cee didn’t remember her father raising her voice that often either; he never needed to. “You know, I was half terrified we could have an Alex. Loved her to bits, obviously--” Cee smirks again. “But she kinda of scared me.”

SEVERIN “Absolutely. If mum had said yes, I bet she would have stayed at school out of spite.” He felt her breath on his face and lent forwards just enough to press a kiss to her cheek. But then he blinked. And blinked again just to be sure. “Have?” It was probably a drunken slip of the tongue, almost nothing. The issue was that nothing could be the ticket to exactly what he dreamed of. “I don’t blame you, she was terrifying. I don’t envy dad. But then imagine if we had a tiny know it all like you, well, I’m not sure I’d stand a chance.”

CEE Her smile is starting to get weaker. Her laugh sounds more like a sigh. Cee was never sure if she really regretted the miscarriage. That’s what made it worse. She half convinced herself that she had sent bad vibes to the baby. Not she told Sev this. She didn’t tell Sev very much after that. At least she knew she regretted that. It just felt as if she had given too much to him, let him get too close, allowed herself to be swayed from the goal. How was a baby going to help her make chief-of-surgery by thirty-five? Things had shifted in her mind since then; she had time to grow up a little bit. But she couldn’t say she had ever really dealt with that trauma, just learned to live with it. Forced herself to face it everyday and usually beat it. Saved mothers, healthy babies; everything she couldn’t have for herself she tried to give. “Do you think we would have actually made it? Young, dumb medical students with a baby. Happily married with dreams jobs? I just don’t-- didn’t see that. I think I would have resented you. And baby. I think-- I would have ruined it some other way. You would be a cute single dad though, all the nurses would fancy you. Proper superman. With the bitch of an ex-wife.”

SEVERIN Bringing it up was a stupid move, he should have left it. Except despite her fallen face, she didn't brush him off or freeze him out. There was room here to try and discuss the topic like adults, so long as he didn't push too firm. He pulled away just enough to get a better look at her face, not kissing Cee again simply to give her the chance to speak if she wanted to. "The job was your dream, you wanted it. It isn't mine. It's a means to an end." He could be changing plasters as a nurse in a primary school for all he really cared. He didn't need the title, or the accolades. If anything, they made it worse. Earning the approval of the board meant he was putting politics before patients, and that couldn't sit right with him. He didn't fault her for being ambitious, in fact he adored it about her. But she had to understand that this wasn't the be all and end all. He would sacrifice it in seconds, and already had more than once today with his stupid choices. Her comment about divorce aught him off guard. If she saw it ending in flames then... "Do you want to do this? A second go, I mean? I'm not... if you don't see it, why give me the chance?"

CEE Cee doesn’t ever remember having a conversation with her family about work v. home life. Morland worked twenty-four hours a day but it was more out of necessity than choice. And he never pitied his wife for wanting to spend all her days with her children. Someone have said Morland’s worldview had some sexist undertones but he raised his children all the same and Celia doubted he would have raised an eyebrow if Mycroft suddenly stepped down from his senior position to raise kids. Although, it would be very odd. But she knew, through his mask of delight, that Morland was disappointed when Celia got pregnant. That she was cutting her abilities short. Raising children is a fine pursuit, he might have said, but compared to medicine? Even she, who was witness to the magic of childbirth and parenthood every other day couldn’t compare the two. “No-- I mean then. I mean-- when we were kids pretending we weren’t. I had my mind on one thing and one thing only back then. That’s not-- I mean it’s still a little true but only because I don’t have anything else. If there was someone else...” she presses her lips together, then leans in to bump her nose against his. “I missed you. I never stopped missing you but I’d glad I had that time to grow by myself. I don’t think I was a very nice person when we broke up.”

SEVERIN Cecelia had every right to think they were children, pretending. The problem lay in that this man, this shadow of his former self, it was more of a mask than the happy father to be. The Severin of seven or eight years ago was effortless, probably a little naive but it was easier to smile. Easier to trust people. Far easier to sleep at night. A hum escaped his lips. “Hey- hey you’ve got me. You always have me.” And she would. “Whatever this ends up like... you’re stuck with me now.” In all truth, she wasn’t a nice person when they broke up. Whether that was intentional or not, he had been playing along like they might be able to fix things far longer than a sane man should have. From where he stood now though, he could only see it with rose tinted glasses. “I don’t regret any of it. I’d say I’d do it again in a heartbeat but I’m already here.” He pulled away, checking the time on his watch with a heavy sigh. “I should check in with Sam. Or downstairs. Sebs on observation overnight, he’ll need a change and a toothbrush or something..” He is noted the deeply purple finger on his hand, and the aches from beneath his shirt that still went unchecked. The near thirty hours without sleep was evident on his face, and yet his work was never finished.

CEE “That’s a lot of commitment for a first date.” Her grin suggested she didn’t mind. There was no taking it slow for them; it had been a ten year wait, filling time really. Her eyes followed his to his watch but she whined, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling his head into his chest. “Don’t go. I can call Sam, I won’t get drawn into it. You can stay here and I can help with your face.” The doctor pulled back to inspect, holding onto his chin and tilting his head to either side, with a little more force than she would with one of her real patience. “You know... you kind of suit a black eye. Kinda sexy.”

SEVERIN “Good thing I’m not worried about scaring you off” There wasn’t going to be an in between for them. It just wasn’t an option. Even when it came to sex, they knew each other too well just to stop at the physical. Even the failed attempt at dancing around the point was stupid, in hindsight. He winced, but pressed against her anyways. God, we wanted to say yes. “Maybe. I think it’s safe to say this isn’t going to go away quietly.” His mind related backed to his friends crushed, confused face. Yet another thing to feel bad for. He always gave Sam the benefit of the doubt, it was why he needed him as the second opinion. He had acted so coldly that even Moira would be proud of him. He didn’t fight as he was examined, drawing a breath through his teeth. “Don’t get used to it, I’ve learnt my lesson. I’m getting extra security guards whenever Bash is on duty.”

CEE “I don’t scare off easy,” she nods. After one last kiss to the forehead, she steps off of him, her long giraffe legs moving with improbable grace. There is a joke around the hospital that Celia is 90% legs and it was a mystery as to how her legs held up her brain. And her ego but no one said that to her face. “Listen, take a breath, take a drink. I’ll call Sam and get an update, and then check the nurse group chat and get a real update.” Maybe ask Mary too, for a woman who pretend to be above it all she always knows everything. She moves back into the kitchen and returns with her phone in one hand an ice pack in the other. “Knuckles or eyes first? I think I’d go for the eye.”

SEVERIN The second she had left his lap, Severin leant forwards to grab his glass and take a sip from his drink again. He tried to stretch the swollen fingers, the purple one looked the worst but nothing felt broken. He very much wasn’t in the mood to fight anymore. “You shouldn’t tell him I’m here.” It was too long winded to get into, and realistically the American was going to put the pieces together himself. But give Sams very valid opinion that Severin couldn’t be objective around his... (ex? That didn’t sound right?) around her, it wasn’t the best idea to give him grounds for concern. “Oh god, the nurses know?” Of course they did, but the reality that it had hit the level of the nurses group chat made his stomach sink. And, it reminded him why he had been pulled up in front of the board in the first place. The fact no one was getting a raise this year was going to play wonderfully in their eyes. “How about neither, and we just let the ground swallow me while instead?”

CEE “That’s who I heard it from like two hours ago; the nurses know everything.” She handed over the ice pack and placed the phone to her ear, sitting on top of Sev again. “Why, are we a secret?” She covered the receiver as she spoke but the call rung out to voicemail anyway. “If we’re going to sneak around, you’ll have to let me know, because I’ll have to redo my whole wardrobe to accommodate-- not single but trying to look single, ease of getting in and out of and heel height for kisses.” Cee placed the phone back to her ear as it began ringing again and on the fourth ring, an American voice greeted her less than enthusiastically. “Hey you,” she used her sing-song voice, over twenty years of getting daddy to give her what she wanted, made men melt. “What’s the gossip? Heard there was a punch up?” It takes ten minutes of lectures about gossiping and how it’s a serious matter before Cee decides she should have just checked the group chat. She even gets off Sev, starts to pace. At one point she looks Sev directly in and the eye and says, “Sev? No, I haven’t seen him.” It’s so horribly obvious. Eventually, she hangs up with a disgruntled huff. “He hates me. He hates me more now you go all doe-eyed around me.”

SEVERIN "They may as well lead with it on the evening news." He took the ice pack, moaning a little as he pressed it to his face with his bad hand. May as well do both at the same time. He shuffled to let her get comfy, until her conversation pulled her away. He cracked a smile at her voice though, he'd heard that tone before. Usually when she needed to know which set of notes he'd borrowed or if he was planning on going to the library tomorrow. She still scrunched her nose the same way, even if her age wore it well. They weren't sneaking around as such just... letting it develop without an audience. Everyone already knew more than they should, it would take the pressure off to give them some time to figure things out. Not that they seemed to need it, it was an old routine. He had finished his glass by the time her phone call finished, watching her pace with nervous energy. The second the line went dead, he had to know. "Is Bash alright? Does he need anything? Should I go over there? I can be there in, well..." He flicked his wrist to see his watch again, a nervous habit. He cried out a little, forgetting about the swelling in his hand.

CEE She opens her mouth to say everything is fine, mostly but then changes tact and instead, gives a small gasp of terror. “No, everything is awful! Seb and Bash started fighting again and somehow the brawl moved into one of the upstairs toilets. They smashed up the sinks and water was going everywhere. The bottom two floors of the hospital are now flooded; patients are floating along corridors and Sam said it was reminiscent of scenes from the Titanic.” She takes her first deep breath, keeping up the panicked look, and continues. “Sam said he lost Bash and Seb for a while, but, still locked in a wrestling match, they made thier way down four flights of stairs because Seb demanded they go to WHS in search of a toothbrush. Meanwhile, somehow, on the fourth floor, a fire has started. It spread through to where we keep the oxygen tanks and the whole hospital exploded. Luckily, the flooding sort of... stopped the explosion though... and... okay, I’m out of imagined chaos.

Yes, everything is fine. Seb is a big boy. Bash is... being looked after. Sam has a handle on it all. Sue from accounting slept with the porter Chris, which honestly, after her divorce; totally valid.” She reaches up to take over icing his eye. “Until a phone rings, or my pager goes, the hospital does not exist. It’s just me... and you...” she kneels on the floor in front of him and for, she realises then, the first time that night, she leans up to kiss him. Slow and deep, like a first kiss. “You have to chill.”

SEVERIN Instantly, he was on his feet. Even now, he fell for her tricks- hook line and sinker. He was so easy to mess with, and far too transparent for his own good. Only as her hysterics hit the Titanic did he catch on, rolling his eyes at her stream of events. It wasn't far off reality. As their lips met, he stopped caring about anything outside of these four walls. The city of London could burn down and he wouldn't notice, dying a very happy man indeed. He kissed her back, sliding off the sofa very smoothly for someone who was supposed to be in pain. "I can chill. Need me to prove it?"

CEE “Why do I feel like your proof for chilling isn’t very chill at all?” It felt like they were back in university again when he kissed her; she was being pulled away from stacks of notes with kisses and seductive whispers. Take an hour off, just sixty minutes. Somehow, the hour always became two and two, more than often, because three. It was something of a miracle that they didn’t get pregnant sooner. “Oh,” she giggled against his lips, pushing him back into the sofa to move on top of him again. “I have a great idea. We one up the fighting rumours and say you got a black eye from trying out to somer super exotic sex position. That would travel way quicker around the hospital than a stupid fight.”

SEVERIN “Whatever do you mean...” He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her exactly where she settled. He stopped kissing her, only to trail yet more kisses down onto her neck and her collar. They hadn’t got the date they expected, but it looked like she was in the mood for him to stay the night anyway. He was practiced at being the perfect distraction after all. “Right. Subtle, I like it.” She had more than enough fun circling rumours about his entire extended family. “I think the witnesses to the other event might have something to say about it but sure, why the hell not.”

CEE "There is nothing subtle about me baby." Her hands move from unbuttoning his shirt to pulling the zip down at the back of her dress; restless, a little too urgent. She never felt embarrassed with him, or like she was stepping over the mark. Even as they danced around each other for the past six months; they made a good team in and out of the bedroom. "Wait, wait," she gives a annoyed little groan. "Stop, I want this to be-- our second first time was on your office floor. At least let me light some candles in the bedroom or something. We're not... horny teenagers anymore, we should be having sex like adults. With some prep."23 October 2020

SEVERIN “You can say that again.” He grinned from ear to ear, total putty in her hands as she undressed him. He tried to help with the zip, even if it was a little awkward. When she stopped to whine, he paused too. Had he done something wrong? No, she was finding all new objections. “What are you talking about? Sex?” He played it confused, furrowing his brows almost comically. “I though we were going to get into some pyjamas and have a nap- seeing as you wanted chill.” He didn’t care about candles, or ambience. She was the only important part of that whole equation. “Speak for yourself, I think I could still pass for a first year without the stubble.”

CEE She seemed to struggle between having some semblance of being mature adults and-- well, getting laid. In that one respect, she had not grown up and had no real intention of it. While she hadn’t pursued many, if any, serious romantic relationships since the demise of theirs, she couldn’t say the same about more casual pursuits. It was the most fun way to burn calories after all. “Alright, fine, we can have fun, spontaneous living room sex until we are-- all official and holding hands in public. From then on in, it’s only boring missionary sex with lights off in the bedroom. Like adults.”

SEVERIN “Hey,” He leant back into the sofa, pulling away to get a good look at her. “If you want special then let’s do it. It’s not- I don’t want to hide anything. It’s not that at all.” He knew the weight of expectation, and the fallout that falling apart would mean now he was technically her boss. “It’s more giving this a shot without work politics, without your family or mine. Just us. And I don’t think I can agree to that- nothing about you will ever be boring.”

CEE Cee ran her hand through his hair, nodding along. To be with him, without expectation, might be nice. Not to be in the nurse group chat everything other day because she met eyes with Sev or they seemed to have had a spat in the third floor ward. “Just us,” she repeats, as if she’s agreeing to a contract. Cee wrapped her arms around his neck. “Take me to the bedroom, and it will be just us.”

SEVERIN He was practically purring at her hands in his hair. Being without this, without her, that was torture. He didn’t even realise how hard that was until now. He had been functioning almost entirely on empty, or just adrenaline. But now it could be them, just them, again. “Nice to know you’re still as demanding as always.” He wrapped one arm around her waist, using the good hand to push against the sofa and get the pair of them two their feet. “You’re going to have to give me directions, remember?”

CEE She is dangerously close to getting lost in his smile. “Oh, shoot. Um--” she glances around as if she has forgotten. “Right to the end of the hall and then to your right. Left! You know at least two of the other doors also have beds so you can’t go too wrong. If you trip over shoes, that’s a closest.” She doesn’t say one of many. When she bought the place the realtor asked if she had any children, hence the six bedroom. No, she had replied, I just have a lot of Dior.

[alison-anonymous]

♡ dating Hades headcanons ♡

Requested: YESSSS thank you @fandomsandmore394 for requesting this, please enjoy darling ♡

Warnings: none other than a high fluff alert and my horrible humor

Dating Hades on the Isle... 

      ♡ holy shit do you see how hot he is, like don’t even get me started 

      ♡ seriously dOn’T

      ♡ your relationship would probably start with you accidentally venturing too far underground and stumbling into his home. At first, you had no clue what the hell you were doing or where you were but the second you heard the Cerberus recording, you legit fell down those wooden stairs out of fear. Legit faceplanting onto the ground before him, he was very intrigued by you once you woke him up. 

      ♡ and by intrigued I mean intrigued by your stupidity

      ♡ and your beauty ;)

      ♡ but that was how you two started. After a bit of quick remarks and subtle flirting, he decided to let you off the hook. The only thing was, as soon as you were gone, he felt this gaping hole in his chest after realizing that you might never be back again. He hardly left his place unless it was to attempt an escape again. 

      ♡ you were the reason why he went outside muahahahahahaha (I am writing this on 5 cans of pepsi I’m sorry)

      ♡ the second that he started coming outside, people started to hide. Everyone was afraid of him, not just for his status, but because of the scowl that was always imprinted in his lips. Not to mention his strange obsession with liquid eyeliner...

      ♡ once he figured out where you typically roamed about and where you worked, he always found excuses to hang around there. Of course, he told his little assistant Celia all about the mysterious beauty that faceplanted into his lair, and she refused to stop teasing him (though she did agree to help him out)

      ♡ you worked at the same place that Dizzy did, only you were more trusted with hair and styling (though you let her help a couple times, just between the two of you). Celia came up with the idea to have you do her hair on multiple different occasions or style her outfit differently and she would bring Hades along as her “chaperone”

      ♡ at first, he thought the idea was complete bullshit

      ♡ until he saw you jamming out to the tune playing through your headphones as you swept up loose hair off of the floors and instantly knew he would take any excuse just to be near you

      ♡ the first couple of visits were a bit awkward as you weren’t quite sure why the daughter of the VooDoo man would need a chaperone... but as time went on and they kept coming back (much to both of their glee, as Hades loved seeing you and Celia loved your work), you began to realize that Hades wasn’t just coming for Celia...

      ♡ by now they were both members on your frequent visitor cards

      ♡ so, naturally, you and Hades began talking and having witty banter while you worked on Celia which eventually turned into flirting. Hades became notably happier, and that made the people on the streets even more scared because they thought he was planning something bad

      ♡ why else would he be smiling at nothing like a fricking idiot?

      ♡ umm maybe because of you?

      ♡ every time he was around you, his heart instantly raced and his face got warm and these annoying butterflies started fluttering around in his stomach that made him want to puke. Little did he know, you were starting to feel the same way too. Finally, Celia had had enough of watching you two painfully steal glances at one another from across the room and weren’t sucking face already, so she decided to do something about it.

      ♡ the second that the two of them stepped out from your workplace, Hades practically had hearts in his eyes as they headed back underground.

      ♡ “Gods, I didn’t know that women on the Isle could be so damn perfect.”

      ♡ “Maybe if you left the lair more,” Celia had mumbled under her breath in frustration. “You need to ask her out

      ♡ now, you would think that the flashy, sarcastic, sexy, soul-stealer that was Hades wouldn’t be the slightest bit nervous about asking you out, right?

      ♡ WRONG

      ♡ you were completely different than any other goddess or woman he had ever gone out with or even fallen for. You weren’t narcissistic and fucking crazy like Maleficent, you weren’t so innocent it was infuriating like Persephone, no, you were... Y/n. And you were perfect. Perfect for him. So perfect that it petrified him to fall for you out of fear that he would somehow screw it up.

      ♡ but Celia, just wanting to get this over with since he was her boss/friend and she didn’t want to have to deal with him moping his way around the lair, didn’t let that stop him. 

      ♡ so, he asked you out (lowkey, Celia having to drag him all the way to where you were) and of course you said yes. Your enthusiasm added a lot of courage back onto his shoulders, and a bit onto his ego 

      ♡ really, you were just psyched because the guy you liked asked you out

      ♡ needless to say, the date went amazing. It was pretty simple since it was just the first one, where the two of you took a super long walk around the abandoned places of the Isle, talking the entire night away. You talked about everything from backstories to hopes for the future to evil plans until by dawn, you knew each other like the back of your hands.

      ♡ and things only got better from there

      ♡ obviously, he wanted to see you again and so did you so you went on more dates, and as those dates got more romantic and intimate, so did you two. You had your first kiss in the rain, and you started spending a lot of time with him and Celia in his lair.

      ♡ after about a month or two of dating, he practically had to force you to move in with him since you had been living off of the streets, claiming that you “had it under control”, but really, you didn’t. Moving in with him was probably the best decision you’ve made since agreeing to be his girlfriend because you got to cuddle whenever you wanted

      ♡ this man may not seem like it, but he is a huge cuddler

      ♡ any physical contact for that matter, honestly

      ♡ he’s been fucked over so many times and has tried to have a tough skin through it all, but he legit would melt the second you laid a finger on him.

      ♡ he would ALWAYS compliment you, like almost every sentence that came out of his mouth consisted of at least one compliment.

      ♡ so you did your best to do the same, and it wasn’t that hard because he wasn’t that hard on the eyes either

      ♡ PLENTY OF DUETS he would beg you until you agreed to sing with him, and the songs always varied but it was always perfect because of how adorable he was when he really got into it, especially with the tambourine.

      ♡ the day that he told you about Mal was a difficult day 

      ♡ you didn’t want to admit it, but you were practically fuming with jealousy because he had a child with Maleficent and not... well, you. He could read you like an open book though, and he was a huge tease so of course he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to tease you

      ♡ “You aren’t jealous, are you, love?”

      ♡ “Me? Jealous? Ha! You’re crazy.”

      ♡ “Mmm I think you are.”

      ♡ “Well, I’m not.”

      ♡ “Okay. I’m going to go visit Maleficent now, hold down the fort will you, darling?”

      ♡ “W-What?”

      ♡ “HA! JEALOUS! Don’t worry, darling, you’re the only one for me, you know that.” Always smug whenever he won an argument, even if it wasn’t an argument, he was always happy if he was right.

      ♡ you being obsessed with his ember and wanting to know how it works (also finding it insanely sexy when you’re on the mainland and his hair lights on fire when he holds it). Him loving how adorable you look when you’re passionate to learn about something

      ♡ never running out of things to talk about or do, because you had a knack for getting yourself into trouble so the two of you would go on these awesome adventures to save your ass. Like the time you stole a possessed puppet that tried to gauge your eyes out with scissors (that ended with Hades holding you in his arms as he stood on top of a table, the two of you watching with wide eyes at the stupid thing hacked away at a pillow), or the time when you accidentally got involved with some crazy drug dealers and had to escape from a pretty nasty experiment. 

      ♡ needless to say, your relationship with Hades on the Isle was one of excitement, passion, and adventure. Through thick and through thin, the two of you stuck together and yes, eventually he did propose. Once Mal and Ben took down the barrier, you and Hades began living together in Auradon, got married, had a couple kids, and lived happily ever after ♡ 

♡ ♡ ♡ 

Dating Hades in Auradon… 

      ♡ look at how good of a dad he is, just look at that (3 more pepsis later...)

      ♡ alright, this one is gonna be after the barrier was taken down and everything because that is the only way this would really make sense lol

      ♡ so, for this instance, let’s say that you were Anastasia’s long lost sister (in case you haven’t seen Anastasia, WATCH IT and if you want to be someone else, that is totally fine) and you were very close friends with Mal and Evie and the VKs because you worked on the staff at Auradon Prep as a guidance counselor for those who were feeling a bit, well, lost. 

      ♡ you had the closest relationship with Mal, because she loved your attitude and your style and of course, you didn't judge her. She looked up to you and thought of you as the mother that she never really got to have 

      ♡ so of course, the second that he showed up on the mainland, Mal knew that you were the first one she wanted him to meet (after he met Ben, lol) 

      ♡ if you’ve ever seen Hotel Transylvania, you know the zing where the eyes get all pink and it’s true love at first sight? Well, that’s a total understatement. The second you two saw each other, it was like time froze and it was nothing but you two. The dumbstruck looks on your guys’s faces was enough for Mal to notice the chemistry and send a smirk in Ben’s direction, which he returned with confusion

      ♡ after that first meeting, Hades was stuck in your head. Every time you would pass by him in the halls since he started living in the castle with Mal and Ben, you would feel your heart flutter. He would always watch you as you passed by one another, even looking over his shoulder as he continued walking in the other direction. You rarely spoke to each other, barely even knew one another, but no one could deny that something was there

      ♡ thanks to Mal, the entire courtyard and even the statues began shipping the two of you together. Mal was the leader of that fanclub, overjoyed with the mere idea that her two favorite adults in the entire world could possibly become her new step-mom and dad 

      ♡ so what did she and the rest of the shippers do?

      ♡ they planned setups

      ♡ it all started with Evie, Jane, Lonnie, and Mal planning a devious scheme in which they called for you and Hades (neither of you knew the other was coming) to Mal’s bedroom, saying that she was having a meltdown. Of course, the second the two of you got there to see Mal with tears glistening on her cheeks, you both were so flustered about being within a 10 mile radius of each other that you completely forgot she was in the room too

      ♡ unfortunately, these little schemes did nothing but increase the growing crushes you had on each other. Mal would often take Hades with her on walks around the campus, always “stopping by” to say hi to you wherever you were, which always made you quite flustered and him fall a bit more in love with you just watching you do your own thing (you were usually nose deep in a good book)

      ♡ until one day, yes, one day, the VKs planned the most devious, malicious, horrific, horrible plan that shouldn’t have worked as well as it did

      ♡ yes

      ♡ they locked you in a closet together

      ♡ don’t ask me how they did it, all you need to know is that they locked you in the closet and cast a spell on the door to prevent either of you from leaving until they took it down, not even Hades ember could break through it. So, as the two of you sat there in a heavy silence with the shippers on the other side of the closet obviously having nothing better to do than wait for their ship to sail, time passed with just the two of you stealing glances at one another until you finally started to talk. And that talking turned into more talking, which led into a full on conversation, jumping from three topics at a time to subtle flirting and you bashfully looking at the floor when he called you beautiful.

      ♡ what I’m trying to get at here is that it was so stupid and simple, but forcing you two to stay in a confined space, alone together, actually worked because it was what finally forced you two to start talking and stop making heart eyes

      ♡ okay but you still did that too

      ♡ anyways, after that, you and the soul-stealer actually became really good friends. He would always hang out in your office, always putting his feet up on his desk as you worked away on your computer or filled out paperwork while he talked about everything and nothing at the same time. 

      ♡ he often brought his guitar and tambourine along so he could serenade you while you hacked away at your work

      ♡ little did you know, all the love songs he sang in cheesy voices were actually aimed at you

      ♡ there were also times where he would stick around while you consulted with other students (with their submission of course) and they could never keep a straight face whenever you and Hades would start bickering like a married couple about how best to go about solving an issue and it would end with him grinning at you with lovey eyes saying things like, “You’re so cute when you’re mad.”

      ♡ Hades was sort of like your new dog

      ♡ you had to take him on walks, feed him constantly, and he always had to be by your side no matter where you went. Not that you minded his company, and as time went on, the two of you fell for each other more and more. Getting to know each other as friends first really helped your comedic and insanely loyal relationship bud until that day when Mal finally convinced him to ask you out

      ♡ he did it right while you were in the middle of a consult, he came barging in through the door and was just like, “Will you go out with me? I’m not taking no for an answer, just an FYI”

      ♡ and you just sat there, a flustered mess while your client giggled to herself until you finally said yes and he left with a huge dopey grin on his face that made Doug jealous

      ♡ obviously the first date went so well you guys decided to go on more, and more, and more until you two became the new power couple of the yard. Everyone called it, saying they knew you would get together in the end. You moved in with him in the castle, and of course, Mal got the mother figure she always wanted to have. You were dating about two years before you got married, and it was the happiest day of your life. You did have kids, and you could never have been happier because you got to marry your best friend

      ♡ your relationship with Hades had started out as a simple infatuated friendship, but budded into the cutest, funniest, most loyal relationship anyone had ever encountered and you ended up living happily ever after ♡ 

[elle-eedee]

dcom daddies: ranked

whats up sluts i’m here to give you the content you did NOT know you needed: a foolproof algorithmic ranking of a mild selection of disney channel dads!

beast (descendants)

hotness scale: extremely tall (over a foot taller than me! this is Very Important to the scale) and he seems to be a mere thread’s width away from Unhinged at all times, which i love. i also think it’s very sexy of him to still have such a monstrous way about himself (what with the roaring and the growling) 20something years post-curse.... makes me wonder very vividly if such energies carry to the b*droom........ *clears throat* 10/10

quality of character scale: it eternally amuses me that beast seems to learn almost Nothing over the course of this trilogy. he’s literally pro-isle the ENTIRE time jsjdndjdjd..... not great considering it puts him directly at odds with his son (and, like, with social progress) but he Does seem to act the way he does with the kingdom’s safety in mind! plus when he’s not accidentally supporting magical fascism he’s super dorky. i love his goofy dance moves 7.5/10

total score: 17.5/20...... with this score alone you can tell this system isnt rigged bc if i had it my way he’d be winning

hades (descendants)

hotness scale: i hate his party city clown wig but i’m a total sucker for guys in makeup (EVEN THOUGH A DECENT SHADE OF LIPSTICK WOULD HAVE BROUGHT HIS ENSEMBLE TOGETHER. WHY DID THEY PROPOSE IT ON THE CHARACTER DESIGN WALL IF THEY WERENT GONNA FOLLOW THROUGH!!!) and i think the fact that hes Very Sleepy and doesnt own a dog makes him my dream guy 9.5/10

quality of character scale: he literally sings a song about how cool he thinks it is that he’s a shitty dad............ but he DOES come through when his kid needs him, so that’s nice i guess. i would have liked to see more of him but i’ll settle for reading and writing intricate fan works that delve into a hypothetical personality for him that’s mainly conjecture 7.25/10

total score: 16.75/20 i wanna see him in some preppy auradon clothes

jafar (descendants)

hotness scale: i wish i had nicer things to say about this man. he just....... bears so little resemblance to the original jafar it makes me :( maybe if he was more gangly, or if he carried himself w the same potent gay energy that og jafar has? itd also help it he wasnt a racist caricature. 4.5/10

quality of character scale: again, very much a racist caricature. jafar doesnt steal!!! why would This be what he chose to do with himself! but he does seem to be, perhaps, the least bad of the core four’s parents, which counts for something i suppose. 3/10

total score: 7.5/20 sorry bud

dr facilier (descendants)

hotness scale: listen. it’s dr facilier. what am i supposed to do, NOT give him a perfect score on the sexy scale? 10/10

quality of character scale: he just loves his daughter and wants to make sure she’s getting what’s hers!!!!! his dynamic with celia makes me really happy they seem so fun! though i guess you could argue it sucks that he’d send his darling babey dohter to do errands for big mean scary hades considering that Everyone on the isle seems to quake at the sight of him. but im sure facilier only does that to ensure that celia can hold her own! 8/10

total score: 18/20 and it’d probably be higher if we’d seen more of him

mr smee (descendants)

hotness scale: not only does this man fuck, judging by the ages of his kids he fucked RECENTLY. get it baby live your truth 7/10

quality of character scale: he seems to be SO kind and sweet to his baby sons..... holding their little hands and such!!! and judging by how nervous the kids are i’d imagine it was primarily smee’s idea for them to go to auradon. extremely noble sacrifice for their benefit even though he’ll miss them 10/10!!!!!

total score: 17/20 i want to kiss his hand, if he’ll have me

zevon necrodopolous (zombies)

hotness scale: every time i look at this man i think of this post. he’s the perfect amount of frumpy for my tastes and his voice is so unique!!!!! i’d let his z-band malfunction so he could *** ** ***** * ******* **** 9/10

quality of character scale: really really cares about his kids and wants them to be safe!! he raises his voice once which im not a huge fan of but i suppose it was justified given the circumstances. also that shot of him goofing about with d*le in the end scene shows remarkable capacity for forgiveness after decades of trauma and discrimination! what a guy. 9/10

total score: 18/20 an absolute dilf!!!!!

dale (zombies)

hotness scale: looks like an uncrustable. 0/10

quality of character scale: a fucking cop. die bitch! 0/10

total score: 0/20 get in since you wanna act clown

coach jack bolton (high school musical)

hotness scale: honestly pretty young for my tastes. and i literally Always swipe left on athletes, so..... fine looking, but not for me. 5/10

quality of character scale: obviously he grows as the series progresses but i feel like jack is Always in the way of troy getting what he wants, which sucks. i like that he’s kinda goofy on his off hours with his family exactly as much as i Hate how much he yells when hes on the job. i do wish we lived in the timeline where he and miss darbus actually had that duet about their disagreements, though. 5/10

total score: 10/20 truly an Average dcom daddy

vance evans (high school musical)

hotness scale: due to personal reasons i will be having bad taste. however, this man’s fashion sense in IMPECCABLE. i mean, the colors??? the unbuttoned collar???? come on now. there is also the gratuitous use of the d-word to consider......................... anyways 7.5/10

quality of character scale: it’s hard to tell how much of his interest in furthering troy’s career is out of sincerity and how much of it is sharpay nudging him. but either way the result is a man who supports his daughter unconditionally! he could be nicer to ryan, though (plus he’s an evil capitalist) 6/10

total score: 13.5/20 i feel like he and fulton have had Relations

mr gifford (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: listen, i’m a simple guy. i see a basic-looking man pursuing age gap romance in the midst of a mid-life crisis, i support him unconditionally. also i am just Really vibing with that oversized denim shirt on him!!! there’s an egregious amount of arm hair poking out that just works. good for him! and this is a small moment but i’m very flustered over his natural Touchy Feely instinct after wen pokes out his eye... however: man has no eyebrows. 8.5/10

quality of character scale: i’m not a child of divorce so i don’t know how this stuff works, but i feel like he springs a lot of major decisions on wen? not ideal. on the other hand, we DO stan that he has sydney move in before they’re married. this is not a christian home!!!! 6/10

total score: 14.5/20 probably my favorite lemonade mouth dad, but mostly because he’s like the only one paid any attention by the narrative

mr banjaree (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: men really have beautifully sculpted noses and we just let them, huh. i’m definitely overusing the word Handsome in this list, but in this case? i’m justified. mr banjaree’s beard suits him SO well and his hair looks so soft...... and we love the implicit cleanliness of a man who wears socks in the house! 8/10

quality of character scale: i super SUPER dont agree with this man’s Smothering-Adjacent Methods (and also i know firsthand that strict parentage just drives kids to be more rebellious, lmao) but all things considered he really just wants the best for his family PLUS he’s willing to meet mo halfway at the end! :’) 6/10

total score: 14/20 the way i feel about him is the way i feel when i get crushes on pastors in that You Are Complicit In My Trauma But We’re Gonna Kiss About It way

mr delgado (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: OOOOH GLASSES! 5/10

quality of character scale: it’s sort of implied that the Wacko Energies of charlie’s family are mostly the fault of his mom so it’s cool of this man to distance himself from that. he is, of course, still complicit in Whatever The Hell Her Deal Is unless he is constantly fighting with her offscreen 6/10

total score: 11/20 would have loved to see more of him

mr yamada (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: another chapter in the saga of unbuttoned collars! doesn’t get a lot of opportunities to show off his strengths but i appreciate that he is not the thinnest dad in town 6.5/10

quality of character scale: WOW fuck this guy. very dismissive of stella’s aspirations!!!!! i don’t like that he feels the need to talk Over her to her mom when he’s asking about her vegetarianism. dude she is right there.... however it’s a lil touching when he holds her guitar up at the end, so... 4/10?

total score: 10.5/20 *thinks about his slightly protruding tummy in his last scene* *thinks about his slightly protruding tummy in his last scene* *thi

bob duncan (good luck charlie: it’s christmas!)

hotness scale: in keeping this Specific to the feature-length xmas special, i will say that bob duncan is QUITE handsome! disappointed that he was wearing a shirt in the scene at the pool.... ill bet if this movie came out post-workout/makeover he’d have been shirtless >:/ i feel robbed... spare tummy, sir? spare tummy? additionally i love a man who rolls up his sleeves AND a man who stans kaiju movies!! also i love that he, quite literally, canonically fucks 8.5/10

quality of character scale: he’s about as charmingly incompetent as he is in the show, but the difference here is that he literally did not do a damn thing wrong! all he wanted to do was be civil with his inlaws and he frankly deserves MUCH better. its clear from his banter with the kids that he loves them very much (also i love how frequently he feels the need to jump/dive for things in this movie. silly slapstick icon) 8.75/10

total score: 17.25/20 this man’s mere presence oozes nostalgia

jerry russo (wizards of waverly place: the movie)

hotness scale: this man was MADE for me. the bottomless collection of hawaiian shirts....... the TWO tummy out scenes..........the fucked up evil thing his voice does when the kids try to steal the spellbook!!! he really has it all. also i love that he is truly just trying to have some beach intercourse 9/10

quality of character scale: i love that even when he doesn’t remember the kids he still maintains a little dadly rapport with them? the instincts...... it’s also incredibly good of him to relive his decision to give up his magic without hesitation once he realizes the severity of the situation :’0 10/10

total score: 19/20 i’ve never seen an episode of the show but im really about to start

neil morris (dadnapped)

hotness scale: handsome....... mr morris makes me feel simultaneously like a sapiosexual AND a morosexual because although he completed enough schooling to become a dentist, he also threw it away for a writing career like an absolute champ. also i find it unbelievably charming how Along For The Ride he is about the idea of being kidnapped. a man after my own heart 8.25/10

quality of character scale: this is a tricky one...... neil DOES show active concern for his daughter’s safety when push comes to shove, but he also has my least favorite type of redemption arc: “you THOUGHT i was neglecting you, but actually i was thinking about you the whole time and just never expressed it! we good?” so like. bleh. but he’s pretty mild mannered which i deeply appreciate in a man! 6.5/10

total score: 14.75/20 maybe talk to your daughter instead of writing a macgyver ripoff, dumbass

major joe mason (princess protection program)

hotness scale: prime dad bod, very believable for his line of work. also he has such a Gentle Way about himself when he’s around princesses....... i love all the hand holding when he’s escorting rosie. absolutely my type 8.75/10

quality of character scale: gosh.... where do i even BEGIN!!! his whole dynamic with carter is so ideal... i was apprehensive at first because his job would require him to be Absent a lot of the time, but upon reflection it’s clear that he’s raised carter well enough that he can totally trust her to be on her own, and also she’s only sad to see him go because she sincerely enjoys his company. everything about his profession is so noble and i love the way he can carry himself as casually or as politely as a given situation calls for. worst thing he does is say “i might have to stop calling you ‘pal’” because his daughter is wearing a pretty dress. i wish he was my dad but i’ll settle for him being my husband 9.75/10

total score: 18.5/20 i almost made a ppp self insert this morning specifically for Him

ted thompson (zapped)

hotness scale: athletes arent sexy!! this guy’s face screams The Only Websites I Know How To Use Are Facebook And Reddit and also he’s a dog person BUT he is sporting quite the tumbey if i do say so myself and for that i shall let him live. 4/10

quality of character scale: ok i know the whole point of this movie is Boys Bad but i hate men who are loud and i hate dads who get Weird about the inherent femininity of their daughters. when he calls zoey “sport” and then cringes like he’s made a mistake? dumb and unnecessary. HOWEVER all of his efforts to bond with zoey are really really sincere. like when he fixes her music box? that has NOTHING to do with the app he just Does It!!!! the movey mightve rubbed off on me a little too much but there are multiple ways to show love and just bc im not used to his way doesnt mean it has no worth! 6/10

total score: 10/20 mr thompson sir im sorry i doubted you at the start of the film

rob adams (radio rebel)

hotness scale: this man dresses 5-10 years younger than he looks and i respect that for him. but i was expecting him to be a bit more of a slimeball considering how tara talks about him in the opening scene... and you guys know how much i love slimeballs. regardless, pretty handsome! 6.5/10

quality of character scale: it’s nice that he goes to such a Public and Corporate effort to connect to his stepdaughter! even if it’s in a way that financially benefits him, it’s pretty clear that he cares about this family and wants to do right by them. nothing exceptional, though 7/10

total score: 13.5/20 i GUESS i’d be down to smash if he asked

ralph bartlett (read it and weep)

hotness scale: ok i was gonna say something mean about the fact that he’s balding but honestly he has really nice arms........ in addition he’s really quirky and optimistic which i am going to admire into my grave!! when he gets excited about having customers during the finale his voice quirks with an almost charlie day-esque charm. handsome. ALSO he calls jamie “princess” which is!!!!!!! something 7.5/10

quality of character scale: the way ralph parents his kids is Very 2000s in that he kinda babies his daughter but gets to pal around with his son, but i guess both dynamics come from a place of love and he could be doing much worse. plus he’s an honest hardworking small business owner! i support him 7/10

total score: 14.5/20 i would definitely go out for pizza with him

dr james hartley (how to build a better boy)

hotness scale: THIS. THIS IS WHAT DCOM DADDIES ARE ALL ABOUT. gosh..... this is truly the Most dad ive ever seen in my life. i love how his hair is always mussed..... how he’s so Desperate to relax that he falls asleep after Fifteen Seconds of smooth jazz..... and also. like. hes a scientist?? hello??? pretty sexy of him. i want to give this man the relaxation he deserves 10/10

quality of character scale: ok so,,,...,, kinda fucked up that he lied to his whole family (with the possible exception of his wife—sidenote, WHY did they make dr hartley married? his wife never comes up except when bart says she’s out of town. let him be single so i can slide into those dms) and EXTRA kinda fucked up that he works for the government? what a scab. BUT it’s very very clear that he cares about his kids (and gabby) and prioritizes their safety above all else! also, did you SEE how happy he was when mae won homecoming queen....... he loves her so so so much! :’0 8.5/10

total score: 18.5/20 i thirst tweeted about this man and roger bart replied ‘Aw, thanks!’ so i dont know where to go from here

[hitchell-mope]

(Third film. After “Substitutiary Locomotion”. Jaylos’s room. Carlos is working on a new machine to help them with finding Ben)

Jay: so run this by me again. This is gonna be a...?

Carlos: This IS a DNA tracking device. Two months after dad got the crown we were paired up for an intergrade scirnce fair.

Jay: yeah?

Carlos: I only needed him for one thing. Hair. Hair from dad. Nail clippings from mom, skin flakes from Doug, lipstick blotter from Evie, towel from lonnie, dessert spoon from Jane and I already had loads of dna from you. Because you never clear out the shower drain

Jay: I’ve gotten better at that

Carlos: uhhhh...no. No you haven’t. Hence the inordinate tips I give the cleaning staff

Jay (dryly): thanks sweets

Carlos: you’re welcome dear. Now. Once it’s ready we can go back to the others and finally find my father

(In the halls of the school a certain pirate is lingering near a suit of armour)

Harry (drolly): I can feel you lurking Jay

Hadie (brightly): Jay’s still with Carlos. It’s me. Your brother

(Harry jumps a foot in the air, startled and laund in Hadie’s arms bridal style)

Harry: why...

Hadie: you looked distracted. I thought I could help

Uma (walking up to them): well, ya can’t. Move it or loose it Silkrobe. I wanna talk to him.

Hadie: ok, ok. But (he grabs her upper arm) if you upset him you’ll have me to answer to.

Uma: I’m not scared of you.

Hadie: oh of course you’re not. You’re the sea witches scion. You know what? I see it. I really do. Slimmer. Younger. No lines on your face yet. But the personality. The physicality. The voice. You’re more like Ursula then you care to admit.

(Uma looks like she swallowed an owl whole)

Hadie: I’ll leave you two to chat

(He leaves and Harry approaches her)

Harry: you’re getting called out a lot ain’t ya?

Uma (calming down): I just wanted to tell you that I was wrong.

Harry: hmmmmm?

Hadie: take this dictaphone and commit it to memory. It’ll help when you have another lovers tiff.

Huma: OUT!

Hadie: sorry

(He slinks away)

Uma: I’m sorry.

Harry: for what?

Uma: not believing you, calling you a liar. You know. That whole schtick.

Harry: that’s god. What tipped you off.

Uma: the eye glow and fire hair.

Harry: ahhh. Well then. You’re forgiven. But I am gonna hold it over you. For a long long time

Uma: I’d expect nothing less

(Off towards the side Evie’s looking pissed off)

Evie: great. Now they’re both happy.

Celia: you really do hate them don’t you?

Evie: more then you will ever know

(Near there entrance Mal’s vainly trying to call Ben again)

Mal: please please please work. You have never not answered me when I needed you before so there’s no use in starting now GODDAMIT!

(She throws her phone against the walls and squats down in frustration her head in her hands. She lets out a guttural shuddering screams and vines shoot out from the floor. Hadie pulls Gil away, Evie pulls Celia away, Uma pulls Harry away and Harriet pulls Cj away from the violent magical burst)

Gil: remember what Milo said. Focus on what you can do right now and not what can’t be immediately fixed

Mal: I know I know. It’s just that URGH. I want Ben to be here. Cause at least then I know he’s safe.

Gil: my brother has magic just like yours. He’s fine.

Hadie: Gil’s right.

Mal: how? How could you possibly know. You heard the gunshots. Ben could be anywhere. Unconscious. Bleeding out. Dying. He could already be dead.

Hadie: well. A. If he has you’re magic as you well know he has then he’s nigh invulnerable. B. If he died I would’ve felt it. Doug too. I have this sort of. Radar. Not a gaydar Evie. A real one it’s sort of a feeling. I can feel the exact moment someone’s died. Two people have died in this building. But they’re fully human. Their stamp is different. And the second gunshot was a cover up. I think.

Mal: then how do we find Ben.

Carlos (sauntering in with the tracking device and followed by Jay who’s got the biggest grin on his face): I may be able to help with that oh mother of mine. Behold ladies and gentlemen. And sea witch and bastard pirates. My DNA tracking device. And one of dad’s hairs.

Mal (walking hopefully over to him): really. You brilliant child MWAH (she kisses him on the forehead) uh how does it work?

Carlos (slightly embarrassed but still a little smug): like so

(He puts the strand into the slat. It beeps getting faster and faster and more and more higher pitched. The fizzles out and dies)

Carlos: This didn’t happen last time. And no Evie I literally just fixed it up. I did everything correctly. Why isn’t it. Why isn’t it working? CMON DAMN YOU. WORK. I WANNA FIND MY DAD. ARRRRRGH

(He throw the machine away and copies Mal’s previously hunched over forlorn stance)

Carlos (near tears): I just want my dad back.

(Jay crouches down and hugs him tight)

Gil: what hair did you use?

Carlos: dads! What kind of hair do you think I would’ve used for finding the fucking king?

Gil: purple.

Carlos: huh?

Gil: Ben’s hair is purple now. Like Mal’s. He’s got her magic. And the ember finished the metamorphosis. His hair’s completely purple now. Ergo cinnamon coloured hair wouldn’t work anymore because he’s not fully human anymore.

Harry: what the fuck

Uma: you never used to be this comprehensible

Gil: I’m not just a pretty face and a hot bod now. Cranial gears are turning constantly in this ol noggin of mine. I like it here

Carlos: so, I’m not a failure

Mal (smiling reassuringly): not even close

Evie: you never were C.

Jay: at least we know it still works.

Hadie: our nephews a genius

Harry: he ain’t my nephew. He’s my would be victim

Mal: I can turn into a dragon so watch your cartoonishly lipless mouth

Harry: or what?

Mal: how does a gangly fillet mingon sound?

Harry: I dunno what that is but since you’re the one that said it then it’s gonna mean my death

Mal: so you finally managed to win at connect the dots. Congratulations dickbrain

Cj: Harry

Harry: give me one good reason I should snap you’re fugly little neck right now

Jay: Mal

Mal (sarcastically): uhhhh I’m a dragon which is how we started this ridiculous skit in the first place

Gil: HEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!! Look!

(The other ten follow the direction he’s pointing in. While Mal and hook were arguing the suits of armour snuck up on them. A hundred of them from all over the school. All to stop them in their tracks. This is when the opening to “this is war” happens)

Carlos: oh. My. Grandfather

Evie: what do we do?

Mal: uhhhh

Evie: Mal! WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO?

Uma: we fight. This is what we know.

Mal: I think they want me

Jay: nuh uh. No way. Ain’t gonna happen. You are not pulling the self sacrificial care. Not again.

Celia: I can take em

Core five, Huma, Hadie and the hook sisters: think again kiddo

Celia: oh I can fight

Mal: it’s a warning

Jay: a what?

(This is when “this is war” starts fully. After the song Mal nearly collapses but Jay catches her)

Mal: ohhh I cant believe that worked

Jay: you alright

Mal: don’t worry about me. Celia, you doing ok?

Uma: she’s fine

Celia: I can speak for myself thanks. I’m fine Mal.

Mal: good. Now we need to send a message to Maleficent and Chad. Maybe if I

Harry: oh for fucks sake. There’s more of them

(Sure enough. Thirty more suits of armour are marching towards the eleven vks)

Mal: of course. Oh my god I’m an idiot, not one word, from any of you or your tongue will disappear. If it’s Maleficent’s spell then

Jay: only another spell will counteract it

Evie: but what spell can counteract that of a dark fairy armed with the fairy godmothers wand.

Hadie: that of a god

(They all turn to look at him)

Hadie: with a little help from a free genie and child prodigy of course

Jaylos: we’re in

Mal: I hope to our father you know what you’re doing

Hadie: I’m a disciple of Dionysus. The first of this generation actually. What better way to stop the embodiment of evil with the embodiment of fun?

Mal: I wouldn’t know. I was never much fun

Evie: it’s true. I have it written on record in my diary.

Mal: oh that reminds me. Now we’re really sisters. I can read your diary with impunity

Evie: you can’t. Seriously. You can’t. It’s locked in a chest in my macrame room. And no one but Doug and I are allowed in my macrame room

Mal: That’s because it’s not a macrame room isn’t it? It’s you and Doug’s own private little love

Carlos: ohhhhkay. Let’s break this up before someone, Evie, gets thrown through a window or shot apart with glass.

Hadie: I concur nephew. Now everyone get to safety. Jay, Carlos and I will handle things from here

(Mal and Uma poof everyone else out of the room)

Hadie (eyes glowing a steely grey): suit of armor strong and true/make this metal bust a move

(This is when “cha cha slide” happens. After the song Hadie steps up to the final suit of armour)

Hadie: I believe my dear sister should have the honour of felling this one don’t you?

Jay: I should think so yes. What about you C?

Carlos: just tell em it’s safe to come back and dispense with the bullshit

Jay: Mal, Evie, Gil, Celia. Guys, it’s ok to come back now.

Hadie: Harry too

Jay: urgh...fine. Fathead as well.

(Two streams of smoke, one purple and one turquoise, swirl up from the floor and the other eight vks appear)

Mal: so what’s with the, uh, lone cyberman?

Jay: first of all, impeccable reference. Second of all, the three of us thought that you should do away with this yahoo

Mal: why?

Uma: yeah, why should she do it

Jay: because Mal is queen and you, captain calamari, barely qualify as a peasant. Go on M.

Mal: ok, ok. Ok. How do I...? OOH! I know. Ahem. (Her eyes start glowing). Go back to your masters, tell them that the vks are back in Auradon. We are running them out of town. And we are not gonna rest until they’re defeated. GO!

(The final suit of armour marches away)

Hadie: you’re incredible

(Uma looks mortally offended)

Mal: thanks. If you’ll excuse me (she takes a long swig if whiskey out of a hip flask) ohhhh that’s much better

Uma: is she seriously gonna be doing this most of the day?

Mal: probably. Milo’s asleep. So I’ve not got my therapist in hand.

Jay: if you don’t like it you can go

Hadie: please, please go

Evie: and ideally take a long walk off a short pier

Carlos: and get eaten by sharks

Celia: she’s my sister guys

Jaylos, Evie and Hadie: Sorry Ceels

Celia: Don’t be. She’s a drag

Mal: we need to find Ben

Carlos: agreed

Mal: so here’s what we’re gonna do. Evie, Uma and I are gonna take Celia to Evie and Doug’s place you’re rest up, I know you say you’re fine but your dad told me to look after you and I’m not ready to gain my inheritance yet

Uma: huh

Celia: dad’ll kill her if I get hurt or die

Uma: ohhhh

Mal: Jay, Carlos, Gil, Hadie. You guys look for Ben. The forest, the lake, surrounding areas. Any other places you can think of.

Hadie (joyfully): oh wait wait wait.

Mal: yeah?

Hadie: there’s a lot of intermagical tension within this little group and I personally feel that it could be dissipated if we do something about it

Mal: heh?

Hadie: an ice breaker

(The others groan outwardly)

Hadie (oblivious): I’ll go first. Harry

Harry (to himself): oh shit

Hadie: I love that your head has shrunk down from your infancy

(There’s a highly troubled silence)

Hadie (brightly): who’d like to go next

Carlos: I will. Gil. I love that you took to inventing like a duck to water.

Hadie: awww

Carlos: I’m not done yet. Uma. I hate you.

Hadie: ok...?

Carlos: I hate your. Idiocy. Your shortsightedness. Your malevolence. Your vindictiveness. Your. Obsession with one upping my mother. But if I’d course you don’t do you? Not if you’re the one in the right. Do you even know what he tried to do to me? Five years ago on my eleventh birthday I got lost in the marketplace. Separated from Mal and jay. I wandered into the docks. And I heard barking. Loud. Feral. Wolf like barking. I ran. But he cornered me. I yelled for help. And I heard you laughing. You laughed as I cried for someone to save me. Someone did. Evie. Did. She stabbed him in the leg. We left Harry bleeding out on the floor. But I still have nightmares sometimes. And I think I’ll always have them. But that’s ok. But you have to keep that away from me if you ever want me to see you as anything other than a petty vindictive shrimpy looking bitch.

Hadie (nonplussed): wow. Harry is this true?

Harry (very very surprised but not at all ashamed): well I uh...oh yeah. And I’d do it again. It was a really fun time for me

Carlos: I’m gonna kill him

Mal: bury the body in the forest. We’ll split up into two groups. My sister and cousins with me. Jay leads the search for Ben. Carlos Gil and Hadie go with him

Uma: and what about them?

(She points to the hook sibling)

Mal: honestly I blocked them out. Uhhhh.

Carlos: they can go with us.

Everyone else: what?

Carlos: my boyfriends a genie. My uncles a god. They can keep them in line. And as the cliche goes. Keep those you hate in short spikes

Cj: that is not the

Mal, Jay and Evie: yes it is.

Hadie: so I guess this is where we part ways. Awww. Our little family’s breaking up. I’m sad now

(Audrey walks in just as Hadie’s about to bear hug Evie)

Audrey: Mal?

Mal (relieved): Audrey? Good. You’re not asleep. He’s not gotten to you yet.

Audrey: no. Ben told me to activate the defensive mechanisms. Then I heard you fighting. Carlos you were great by the way. And who are these guys

Hadie: my names Hadie. I’m gay.

Audrey: I’m Audrey. And do I really look desperate?

Evie: don’t talk to me, I hate you

Mal: RIGHT! Of course. Introductions. Hadie’s my oldest brother. The one with a raccoon face that’s eyeing you like a piece of meat is my other brother Icarus. Sidenote: Evie’s my little sister and she’s 24 hours younger than me. Scary looking girl is Uma, my cousin. She’s hates me. Redcoat is Harry’s ever something truthful sister Harriet, their father is very imaginative. And the other one eyeing you like a piece of meat is Harry’s other sister Cj. Listen gormless. Audrey’s straight. You’re not getting lucky

Cj: dammit

Audrey: Uma...oh yeah. I’ve heard of you. Though judging from your frankly terrifying expression my longevity relies on me not saying what I’ve heard so I’ll shut up now

Uma (scowling): good choice

Mal: lets go to your room. We can talk there. I’m still not entirely sure this areas safe. Walls could have ears

(They all go to Audrey’s room. Outside the school Hades is trying to explain himself to Elsa)

Hades: what else do you need to know? I’ve said everything of importance

Elsa: but what I don’t get is why show up now

Hades: to help. To help my children defeat my ex wife

Lonnie: whoah whoah uhuh um. Ex wife?

Hades: yes. Maleficent. She left the morning after the ceremony. Can you imagine?

Lonnie: sadly yes.

Hades: I feel your pain. She was exquisite in the

Lonnie (hands covering her ears): LALALALALALALALALALALALALAIMNOTLISTENINGLALALALALALALALALALA

Elsa: it’s a tetchy subject

Hades: so I can see

Jane: are you really here to help

Dizzy: more to the point. Is Harry really my uncle?

Hades: yes. And yes

Dizzy: this is proof more then ever that there is no god. Except there is. You’re it. But he still exists. Why

Hades: I was hard up

Dizzy: I’m gonna need so much therapy after this

Elsa: agreed. Well my lord hades. I’m sorting this out so there’s no need for you here. If you’ll be on your way I can help my daughter and her friends

Hades: my daughters and their friend could do with my help

Lonnie (aside to the other two): you’ve heard of fighting in-laws? Well here’s the rarer but just as intense biological parents vs adoptive parents. I saw it on tv once

Dizzy: and?

Lonnie: nothing made sense. But hades seems nicer then Regina.

Dizzy: mom wouldn’t let me watch that show. She hated that woman

Lonnie: many do

Jane: and the rest?

Lonnie: think she’s a lesbian and in love with the biological parent. Who’s also her step granddaughter

Jane: some people are very weird

Lonnie: tell me about it

Elsa: I don’t want to hear it. You left them to their mothers and that cannot be forgiven. So no. I’m not gonna let you interfere with my daughter or her friends

Lonnie: here’s an idea. How about we all go help? Hades is more powerful then Maleficent. Elsa is an entirely different class of magic. We’re up against the fairy godmothers wand. Aka. Jane’s inheritance. So it’d be more productive if we all pooled our efforts, locate my boyfriend and his family and then take down chad and Maleficent. How does that sound

(The adults murmur their agreement)

Lonnie: now we can concentrate on

(A window on one of the upper floors explodes and a giant shadow flies out followed by a couple of gauntlets and pieces of chainmail and four helmets)

Jane: oh that is not good

Hades (worriedly): Celia. Oh this is not good

Lonnie: what do we do?

Hades: I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. We’re going to get my children and my boyfriends daughters

Jane: I’m sorry what?

Dizzy: Uma and Celia are Doctor Facillier’s daughters. And how come you never told me you were dating him

Hades: it’s only been six months sweetheart. No one really knows yet and I’m an idiot cause he swore me to secrecy. Great. My wife’s going to be so thrilled

Jane: you have a wife? But Maleficent divorc

Hades: Persephone and I have a standing agreement from three million years ago. We’re gods. As long as she know most of them she promises not to smite them and vice versa

Lonnie: I hope Gil and I have a love like yours

Hades: thank you dear. You were being sarcastic weren’t you?

Lonnie: yes I was sir

Hades (smiling genuinely): I like you

Lonnie (smiling as well): I wish I could say the same

Elsa: how do you propose we get into the castle “milord”?

Hades: magic. Obviously.

Elsa: your move

Hades: gladly. Is everyone ready?

Elsa: oh we’re ready

(He steps forward and ignites his hands. This is when “the Phoenix” happens)

[mianite-3-unofficial]

The Advocate

Rha watched the teapot steadily steam. In his hands was a book from the library. He’d never read it before, but it was an old, carefully cared for book about runes. It had taken him an hour to find the librarian, and a few more hours to get out of the conversation and insist that he only wanted the one book, not the seven the librarian said he should also read, and yes, he would take good care of it. It was fun, though. The blatant disrespect that came with the short man’s doubtful eyes was rare now that he was priest.

Overall, though, it was a peaceful evening, the air rich with the smells of coming fall, yet the air was still hot.

Suddenly, the door slammed open.

There stood Celia. Her armor was shifting around her body, as if it couldn’t decide where to stay, except for her helmet, which was stagnant in her hand. Her wings were out and ruffled, probably from the long flight between wherever she was and here. All three of her eyes were filled with an unending, boiling rage, lip twitching.

Rha blinked.

“You cut your hair?”

Celia scowled. Well, she had cut her hair. All of it was gone besides the purple, leaving it short and choppy.

“That’s not what I’m here to discuss.”

She stepped into the room and slammed the door shut behind her.

“What has happened?” He asked, a little scared. He stood, even though it sent shocks of pain through his knee.

“I feel Dianite stirring. And I feel them. I wanted to tell you I’m here— and that I’m going to hunt them down like the dog they are.”

“I don’t run the city.”

Celia scoffed.

“You basically do. Those idiots all listen to you. They’re too scared to do anything else.”

“They may, but— that doesn’t change anything. This is ridiculous, Celia, they’re dead. Our sibling, I mean.”

“You can’t change my mind,” Celia snapped, slipping her helmet on her head. “I didn’t come here to ask you for permission, just to tell you that this is…”

“An extrajudicial execution?”

“It’s law here that heretics are to be hung by the throat, is it not?”

“Yes, after a trial.”

Celia clenched her jaw, the teapot screaming out steam.

“Our Lady is the judge. I am the jury, the executioner. And there is not an inch of their skin that does not reek of guilt.”

Her tone left no room for argument. Rha nodded.

“Now then,” Celia continued, “who was that other man, the one who you said was healed with red sparks?”

Rha paused. Yes; that man. Green skin, tattered clothes… Andor’s friend. He’d not seen Andor in a while. What an insightful man. Too smart for anyone’s good. Tom was Andor’s friend, wasn’t he?

He looked down. Andor wouldn’t ever find out. Besides, the so called champion of Dianite… he had it a long time coming.

“Tom. Tom’s his name. Staying at the Cinnamon Grove Inn, but I’ve seen him wandering. A green skinned man with a grating accent. You won’t miss him.”

Celia nodded sharply. She looked younger, somehow, back before she was a champion. Just Celia, face obscured by a scarf to keep out sand or snow or the smell of smoke. Her face was covered, the shifting metal settling in a way to protect her chest and add extra metal onto her fists, meaning her punches could break through a wall without hurting her. Rha shuddered. He’d seen it, many times.

“Glory to Ianite.”

She threw the door open, and stumbled back. There, crouched right before the door, Jordan stared up at her with big, shocked eyes. His whole body was dirty, wings touching the ground. Celia looked at him. He saluted with a quivering hand.

Without another look, Celia stepped over him and stormed out the front door. Her wings thundered against the ground, and she was gone.

Jordan stared up at him. The teapot’s whistle was starting to give Rha a headache.

“What happened?” He asked. Jordan just stared, silent.

“She’s going to kill Tom?” Jordan said, voice small.

Rha extended a hand to Jordan, but he scuttled back on the floor.

“Have you slept at all, Jordan?” Rha wondered aloud, “eaten anything? And your wings— they’re in terrible condition—“

“Is she going to kill him or not?” Jordan cried.

Rha blanked. To tell the truth or lie, the lesser of two great evils.

“You should know, those who go against our Lady must be punished.”

“But there’s a trial involved!”

“Ianite is judge, and Celia is her jury—“

“And as an executioner, how can I see this as just?!?! Ianite is the goddess of justice- she carries the scales of balance! That was the first thing I ever built for her! A scale of balance, of justice!” Jordan stood, stumbling back, clearly unbalanced by his dirty wings. He slammed into the wall behind him, a cloud of dirt spilling from the feathers. Rha furrowed his brows.

“This has nothing to do with balance, does it? Nothing to do with that and everything to do with that man. Tom… you know him, don’t you? Andor as well? So you found me through him.”

He stared at him, eyes wide.

“I have to go- I have to go find him.”

“You can’t go against Celia. She’ll know if you do. She’ll hunt you down and eat your heart in the marketplace, and nobody will stop her. She has Ianite’s support— you would be going against Ianite, against all of us,” Rha said, trying to reason with the poor man.

Jordan put a hand over his heart. He looked so frail, even though he was muscular and proud, wings dirty and shaking, dragging on the ground. The teapot whistled, steady and shrill.

“I can’t let her hurt him.”

And he ran from his house, wings hanging heavily on his back.

Rha watched him go. When he went back into the kitchen, his tea had boiled over, frothy, sweet smelling liquid dripping off the stove. He picked up the pot and set it on the table, but didn’t pour himself a glass. He let it go cold.

[tjkiahgb]

Episode Recap: 3.10, “The Quacks”

The episode picks up not long after the last episode ended, with Buffy asking her friends just what in the hell that Secret Society scheme was all about.

Her friends, who were super excited to help Walker out last week, waste no time throwing him under the bus now.

Jonah didn’t like the Secret Society stuff.

Cyrus didn’t like the robes.

Andi thinks it was kind of a sick way to ask someone to a dance.

Walker watch out for the bus oh my god he has airpods in he can’t hear us! oh my god!

Buffy reels off a list of the things she didn’t like about what happened: no to surprises, no to being put on the spot, and no to predictability. The candles were cool though.

Andi asks if Buffy still likes Walker and she gives a resounding ehh. Buffy explains that Walker made her shoes like how he made Andi shoes once, a long time ago. Andi thinks that is so wrong. Buffy says it’s his “signature move.” Andi and Buffy imagine Walker’s given shoes to every girl in town.

Am I going crazy here? He’s an artist? He makes artsy gifts for people? This would be like getting mad at Andi for making you a craft gift. It’s what she does! It’s not like Walker’s going around giving everyone cheap store-bought gifts like horrible little gnomes or neon green shoelaces. As long as he didn’t copy the exact mural he made with Andi that one time, what’s the problem? It’s a homemade gift. He had to spend time working on it. It’s still really nice. By this standard, would he have also not been allowed to make a drawing of Buffy as a gift? He’s already done that for Andi so that’s off the table. Find a new way to be creative, Walker. Make a necklace out of discarded soda can tabs or make a headband out of an old belt or something. I know art is your thing, but, sorry, you’ve played that card. It’s over now. Move on.

By the way, Andi and Buffy assume, with zero evidence, that Walker is going around town giving shoes to every girl like an unfixed cobbler in heat. Why?

They also assume all those girls would wear those shoes he gave them as gifts to public places like the school dance, despite not being in a relationship with him. I do feel like most people wouldn’t wear something an ex gave them while currently being in a relationship with another person. That’s so thoughtless. Wear shoes Walker gave you as a romantic gift while hanging out around your current boyfriend? Who in the world would behave like that? That would be crazy. A monument to poor decision making. I simply can’t imagine.

Aaaaaanyway, Cyrus assumes that’s it then. Buffy’s breaking up with Walker. And Buffy’s like, yeah, we’re done. I’m ghosting him. Cyrus tells her that’s not good enough. Talk to him. Break up with him in person.

Feels like Cyrus could save himself a lot of energy by recording a voice memo on his phone that says “YOU HAVE TO COMMUNICATE!” and just playing it for his friends over and over again.

Buffy thinks Walker knows, but Jonah assures her he doesn’t because: “He’s a guy.”

The pinpoint accuracy of those three words rattles Buffy to her core.

At the dance studio, Cyrus... dances?

...has a seizure?

...gets attacked by a swarm of gnats?

...reenacts the Ides of March?

...is possessed by the spirit of an evil marionette?

I’m just not sure.

Amber shows up and asks if he’s rehearsing being electrocuted.

Ah. Damn. That’s a good one.

Cyrus tells her he has to come up with an original dance for his choreography final and perform it. Wild that he’s already got a final exam. His dance class was like a month long. No wonder it seems like all he’s learned to do is flail his arms about. Amber volunteers to tutor him in the art of dance choreography.

Wait, does Amber know how to dance? I mean, I guess she did at the house party that one time. But can she really teach Cyrus to capture the raw, super strange energy of this performance?

I have my doubts.

Over at Bex’s, Bowie presents Andi and Bex with a surprise.

That’s right! A plank!

Andi wants to know who the Quinns are. Bowie thinks they all will be, after the marriage. Bex isn’t so sure. (Maybe hyphenate?) Bowie thinks it’s important, bonding them all together as a tribe, but Bex also thinks it’s important for everyone to choose their own identity. (Hyphenate?) Mack is part of who Bex is. For example, it’s on her bowling shirt. (Hyphenate. Stitch “-Quinn” right on to the end of that bad boy.)

Andi proposes they mash up their names but they realize that would make them the Quacks and abandon that idea so quickly they never even consider they could also become the Mann family, which is pretty sweet.

Back at the dance studio, Amber asks Cyrus to touch his toes. He can’t, but in fairness, he’s only been at this dance thing for like two weeks.

Amber tries to get him to do some moves but Cyrus says it’s too hard, so Amber hair-slaps some sense into him.

At the gym for the first Spikes game, Buffy watches the opposing team warmup and settles into some depressing fatalism.

Her teammate, who the end credits tell me was named Kaitlin, says the team is well-aware of that because Buffy’s been saying it all week. Kaitlin tries to get Buffy to say something that builds confidence in the team but Buffy’s not interested.

The team’s coach shows up.

Her name is Mrs. Deborah Mendenhall. She’s the guidance counselor. She’s also late to the game, knows nothing about basketball, has the gait and posture of an elderly woman, and is dressed like a flight attendant for some reason.

On the bright side, she brought orange slices.

So at least no one will get scurvy.

Kaitlin points out that the good news is they don’t have enough girls to even play. Buffy’s shocked no one else is coming and wants to know why. Kaitlin tells her it’s probably because Buffy’s spent the entire week telling everyone they were going to lose and be humiliated.

Look, say what you will about TJ as a team captain, but he only went after one player on his team. Buffy recruited this girls’ team, then spent several weeks alienating and insulting them and eventually got 2/3s of her team to quit before they even got to play their first game.

I hope she’s cleared her calendar for a ton of redemption arcs.

Buffy says the loss would have been really embarrassing, but now they’re going to have to forfeit, which she feels is way worse.

I disagree. You can forfeit with some dignity. Floundering around the court while the other team beats you down leaves barely any room for that.

It’s like this. Say you’re going to a party, but right before you get there, you get mud all over the back of your pants. Huge stain. Can’t get it out. Just go home, right? Forfeit the evening. You walk into that party and everyone’s going to think you had a horrible accident. You can desperately try to explain it’s mud, or you can try to own it in some weird way I can’t even imagine, but let’s be honest, all you’re going to get is a mean nickname and an unflattering reputation about town.

The lesson, kids, is if you have a chance to forfeit, forfeit.

Buffy decides, instead, she’s going to try calling the team.

Up in the stands, Andi asks Libby if she’s still planning on breaking up with Jonah. Libby is. She then points at Jonah and mimics him texting like a dope. Jonah, who is good at picking up subtle hints, wonders if these two are talking about him.

Buffy has no luck convincing anyone from the team to come get publicly humiliated. I say call TJ. Tell him to grab a wig and race down to the gym. Worth a shot.

Instead Buffy looks into the stands to try and find a replacement. She spots her artsy friend who’s shown almost zero athletic ability over the years...

...and thinks, yep, there’s the ticket.

So, Buffy drags Andi out of the bleachers and to the locker room to change as Jonah and Cyrus head up to sit next to Libby.

Cyrus greets Libby with sign language.

Oh, by the way, Cyrus also knows sign language now. Where did he find the time? I can barely commit to the 10 minute Duolingo Spanish lessons on my phone.

Jonah asks Cyrus to do some translating. He wants to know if Libby is mad at him. Libby wants him to learn sign language. Jonah apologizes through Cyrus, but Libby walks away.

Cyrus tells Jonah texting Libby used to be an okay way to communicate, but now the two have been going out for a while. Perfect opportunity for him to pull out his phone and play the “YOU HAVE TO COMMUNICATE!” message.

Also, a while? It’s not been like, a couple weeks? Cyrus’s dance class is over already, Buffy’s team is just now having their first game of the season, Jonah and Libby have been dating two years and I’ve lost complete understanding of the timeline again.

Jonah says he hasn’t learned because he’s afraid he’ll be bad at it.

Cyrus says it’ll be enough if he’s making the effort, but I just want to put this back on the table: forfeit the relationship. Take your mud-stained pants and go home.

At Bex’s, Bex approaches Bowie to do some compatibility testing of their relationship by asking some big questions and jotting down some answers to compare.

Bowie asks her about calzones. I’ll take this one, Bex. It’s pizza with excess bread. It’s hard to get a good cook on the stuffing. The toppings are rarely dispersed in a satisfying way. Not worth it.

Oh? Guess Bex and I are more compatible than I thought.

Bex wants to play seriously though, so they jump in. Bex asks if Bowie would ever want to have more kids, to which Bowie is like...

I mean, why not? If it all goes wrong, Celia’s still around, right?

Buffy brings her newest basketball recruit out to the gym so the game can finally begin. Things don’t start so hot.

Andi gets a pass and then takes off running with the ball like a halfback on a football team.

She forgot about dribbling. Bad sign. Dribbling is probably the second rule almost all people know about basketball behind knowing that the ball has to go into the basket to score points. God, I hope she remembers that at least.

Things don’t get much better from there. The public humiliation of the basketball team happens just as it was foretold.

Mrs. Mendenhall, meanwhile, spends time handing out snacks to the opposing team.

I’d normally be mad about this but she clearly has too many oranges. There’s only five people on Buffy’s team. Might as well not let them go to waste.

Andi gets the ball again and immediately turns it over.

Buffy was worried about being embarrassed, but honestly, Andi’s taking the brunt of it here. Maybe stop giving her the ball? Save her from herself.

Buffy mercifully calls a timeout to think things over.

She pulls the team into a huddle. They think she’s going to chew them out, but instead, she thanks them for showing up. She apologizes for being a bad captain and says she’s realized losing is not the worst thing ever. It’s great that those who showed up are there and that they’re in the game.

Or, basically, isn’t it nice to just be alive and doing stuff? Which is a decent message for life but a really low bar to hurdle for team sports. Congrats to us all on not dying.

They start playing again with a newfound, joyous outlook. I’m glad they’re happy with this, but their play is hurting me physically.

Kaitlin catches a pass and goes up for a lay-up from about a foot away from the basket and nearly misses not just the hoop, but the entire backboard.

It thuds off the side of the backboard and makes a noise that’s like nails on a chalkboard to me. This should be a wake up call for Kaitlin to get her vision checked. Or some kind of medical checkup. Something’s wrong.

Andi gets a pass, then, for some reason, spins, runs the wrong way, and hucks a wild shot up from half-court at the wrong basket.

It goes in as the game ends. Everyone celebrates for different reasons. I’m light headed.

Are we really sure that wasn’t worse than just leaving early? Are we really going with the lesson here of: “Kids, it doesn’t matter how terrible you do, as long as you do.” I hope no one growing up to be a doctor or pilot feels that way. Please, do those jobs well or don’t do them at all. No one’s gonna cheer you if you put the wrong organ inside your surgery patient or get lost and crash land into the ocean.

At Bex’s, Bex and Bowie review their answers and find themselves to be really compatible.

I think the biggest sign of their compatibility was that neither of them thought to ask the other any of these big, important life questions before agreeing to get married.

Lack of forethought and an improvisational approach to life problems suits them well, I guess.

Jonah meets Libby outside the school. He asks her to teach him sign language in sign language.

If he really wants to learn, he should hunt down the 5th grade teacher who made everyone else so fluent.

Libby agrees to. She tells Jonah she likes him.

Jonah says he likes her, 2. They seem to have reached a good level of understanding in their relationship. Amazing what COMMUNICATION! can do.

At Cyrus’s dance class, Cyrus prepares to deliver his final. Amber psyches him up, he heads out onto the floor, and...

Guys. It’s no good.

I mean, he’s doing this march walk thing.

And this scuba move like he’s dancing at a party from some 1960s beach movie.

And the robot.

His big finale is the sprinkler, of all things...

...followed by the Glee throw-your-fist-up-and-look-to-the-sky move.

I just don’t see how Cyrus passes this.

How do you watch that as a dance teacher and not go, “That was the laziest collection of basic, stock dance moves I’ve ever seen. Did you learn nothing? Did you even practice?”

Is this all another lesson about just showing up and doing a terrible job and being happy with that? Again, it’s good to have a positive attitude, but that’s not going to save your GPA.

At Bex’s, Bowie sits Andi and Bex down for a new surprise.

That’s right. Another plank!

Bowie probably should’ve learned to get everyone on board with his decision first before committing to a plank. That “The Quinns” plank is basically expensive firewood at this point.

But Bowie wins Andi and Bex over with this one.

And the news that he intends to take the Mack last name. It really was a foregone conclusion. Doesn’t he know what show he’s on? It’s called Andi Mack, not Andi Quinn. There’s already all tons of merchandise. What are you going to do, render that stuff worthless? Pfft. Good luck going up against the Disney Corporation’s profits, bud.

Bex wants to know if he’s sure he wants to be a Mack, and deal with all of the things that come with being a Mack. But Bowie’s in.

So, the Quinn names dies with Cookie. Long live the Quinns.

At school, Buffy takes out her phone and makes a call. The person on the other end of the line picks up. Buffy’s like, hey, last time I saw you, I don’t think I handled things very well and can we please meet up to talk?

And who’s on the other end of the call?

This guy!

Oh, who is this guy again? God, it’s on the tip of my tongue. It was a weird name. The kind of name they stopped giving babies in the 1950s.

I wanna say Harry? Ronny? Ralph? Was it Ralph? I feel like there was a Y in there.

Let’s just call him Not Walker for now until I can dig through the Andi Mack wiki for answers.

[cartoonfangirl1218]

Winner’s Curse Ch. 12

It’s been a full week since they teamed up and nothing had been remotely accomplished. On the bright side, nothing remotely evil or world destroying had happened yet too. So they still had some time. Who knew how much though.

Their mission into the castle last night yielded no new results. It seemed whenever they went to investigate the castle, it was empty. They had spent days scouring the dark, gloomy halls, occasionally bumping into one of Maleficent’s mindless goons but it seeme uninhabited. Uma’s best guess was that the Coven had a secret lair within the castle or they were investigating the wrong wing of the castle. Either way, nothing informative or helpful had come to light to the Coven’s weakness.

Aziz and Lala had found Abis Mal three nights ago and interrogated him for any clues about the Coven but he was of no use. Similarly when they tried to recruit him to join their cause to take down the Coven, the small man said `No” and he’d rather dance on thir graves than help anyone from Auradon. Then after that grand speech, he threw up his spoiled dinner.

That brought them here and now. Strategizing in the office of Captain Hook’s ship since her own boat had been unfortunately dismantled and had parts stolen off it since she left.

“Well we could ask some of the kids around here. After all, no one cares about the kids here or thinks they’re capable of anything. I mean Mal, Evie, Carlos and I were still teenagers when we defeated Maleficent.” Jay puffed up his chest with pride.

Uma thought about Celia. Though she would be more than willing to fight against the Coven, Uma knew she didn’t have the strength to go against them. It wasn’t right to have the younger children help to fight their battles when they were already enduring abuse and neglect from their parents much less their new overlords.

“No” Uma said definately, “The kids may be sneaky but they will just slow us down or become targets. As I’ve been saying, we need the mercenaries on our side.” “And that will take a lot of money. Remember, Uma, Sinclair said we have to pay her just to get her to go into Maleficent’s castle.” Gil said.

“I remember.” Uma snarled at the unneeded interruption. “Great, we can probably bribe them all to help us. I mean we do have phenomenal cosmic power at our fingertips and that means so much gold.” Jay slapped Jordan on the back. Jordan and Aziz both glared at him like they wished to rip his fingers off.

“That boy” Uma internally mused, “He really knows how to irritate anyone. VK or Ak.”

“That’s not a good idea,” Aziz inserted, “We can’t offer gold to everyone here or any more promises that we are not going to keep. It is probably best to stick with Uma’s idea to start a revolution with the people by using their hatred against the hatred.”

“I could convince my dad, I’m sure he would love to overthrow my mom.” Lala added, “And then he can threaten other people to back us up.”

“I’m sure we can convince people to help us without resorting to threats.” Calix interjected.

With that statement, Jay, Uma, Harry and Gil scoffed at his pathetic naivete.

“No can do. Ben may want us to do things peacefully, but our mission is to save the world and if we have to force the villains here to fight the Coven, we force them. Heh, guess they’ll see what it’s like to be forced against their will to do something.” Jordan said with a surprisingly intimidating growl.

The face of the Smee twins popped into her head once more. Along with those of Dizzy, and Celia, and Hadie and so many others. Walking in chains to sure bloodshed. And all because this girl was too blind by prejudice to see that she was punishing children who did nothing wrong. 

“That’s not your call! You’re going to force the people to fight your battle. As if Auradon hasn’t done enough, forcing us to live here and eat your scraps.” Uma banged her fist, sending the few papers and trinkets Hook had on the desk to fail to the floor. Jordan seemed to grow taller for she had to bend her head downward to glare at her, nose to nose. Uma squelched the urge to step backward, away from the invasion of personal space, but she would not admit such weakness.  

“You’re fighting our battle? Don’t sound like such a matyr. We’re all on the same side. We’re all doing the same damn battle. And you just said it’s ridiculous to get people to help us voluntarily. We have to threaten them or bribe them.” “But you can’t..” 

“Only you can threaten them? That’s what you’re saying is it? That’s not your call. I’m not here to act like a friend you never had. I’m here as the leader.” Jordan took another step forward but Uma didn’t back away, she stood her ground. She could sense more than see the others in the room, staring and holding their breath for the next move or in Harry’s case, attack when she needed it. But no one made a move. It felt like it was just the two of them trapped in this power struggle that spiraled too quickly. 

She had underestimated this girl. It was clear that she was improvising her plan as she went along and unsure of making decisions. But instead of latching on to her superior expertise as she expected, Jordan was lashing out at her and trying to keep all the control to herself even if it meant threatening them all. “I’m the captain.” Uma retorted, straightening her posture and walking forward into Jordan’s personal space. And victory for her, the genie took a step back. “One with experience. Connections. I actually know the Isle and people here. They will trust me more than you. You’re just some Auradon snob who never had to make a decision in her life and thinks we’re less than you because we come from the Isle. You only see us as copies of our parents.”

“You only see us as copies of our parents. You think we’re fools with idealism and stupidity that are only good to use for our riches and our wishes.” Jordan stopped backing away, standing like a statue with an unnervingly calm voice full of malice as she stated her opinion.

They stood glaring at which point Uma noticed sweat trickling down the back of her neck and that it was starting to feel unnaturally hot in the room that usually was damp and smelling of kelp. Now it smelled like fried kelp.

Jordan clearly saw that Uma had caught on with the change in temperature. She cocked her head with an unruffled poker face, “What? Are you feeling like a boiled shrimp?”

“Bitch!” Harry lunged forward, hook outstretched to spear her throat but Aziz got there first, marking his back with a ferocious gnash on his back. Uma had to give him a tiny amount of respect for not flinching but instead giving Jordan a quick much-needed slap.

“Aziz! Your back! Stop slapping my cheek. You-”

“Aram shu. Haltan khob ast?” Aziz commanded and the two devolved into a rapid conversation in Arabic that she couldn’t understand. Not that it mattered when all the sweltering heat and the tension in the room whooshed out and Uma allowed herself to exhale.

Harry was at her side but before he could ask. Uma nodded. She was fine. They both could see that though she was a little rattled by the turn of events. The Aks weren’t going to be as easily manipulated as she thought but she could work with that. She’ll just have to change her tactics.

Jordan’s voice cut through their silent conversation as she slumped into Captain Hook’s chair, “Fine. We’ll do whatever Uma says for now.”

Uma could do without the amount of petty sarcasm Jordan used when saying her name, but was glad for whatever it was Aziz said that made her see reason.

“Then I suppose I’ll start strategizing. Go eat.” Uma gestured for all of them to go which they followed except the genie girl who was staring numbly at the wall.

Calix ducked back in and urged Jordan off the chair and out the door, “Come on, time to eat.”

“I’m a genie, I don’t need to eat.”

“Well if you want to talk about genies, Desiree...”

“I’m not in the mood for banter.”

Uma looked out of the office door one more time to see Calix drag Jordan to the far side of the ship for privacy. Where she expected Jay to be skulking around like the snake he was, he was actually in the middle of the action wrestling with Gil while the rest of the crew cheered Gil on.

She scoured to make sure that Aziz and Lala weren’t hanging around close enough to eavesdrop, but fortunately Aziz was also distractedly watching the impromptu wrestlin match, looking back at Jordan and nodding as Lala talked in his ear, “When you were interrogating Abis Mal, how were you able to tell that-“

Uma closed the door and turned to her first mate.

Uma wasted no time for pleasentries, “You’ve been a bit more unhinged than usual lately since I’ve returned. What is it?”

She had first noticed the change when they went to Sinclair. Harry’s type of intimdation was unnerving the opposition with his invasions of personal space and gliding his hook on their skin but he didn’t usually lunge or attack unless it was with her. Not for her. He trusted her instincts too much to go on the defensive for her without permission. This was the second time he striked so aggresively without a warning.

“Nothing is-” Harry paused, and looked at the wall, “CJ’s back.”

Uma’s eyes widened. CJ and Harry always had a complicated relationship. Well all the Hook siblings had a contentious relationship with each other. But Harry and CJ moreso because of how close they were in age and how their personalities clashed.

It all traced back to Captain Hook himself as most of the kids’ issues could be traced to their parents’ treatment. Harry always looked up to his father, wanting to be just like him leading to his obsessive devotion to his fake hook. But Hook never gave him time of day, in fact, he treated him less than compared to his sisters. Especially since Harry had joined her crew. By then, Hook had completely disregarded Harry as one of his own because he was content to be her first mate and not seize the captainship for his own.

CJ, on the other hand, was undoubtedly Hook’s favorite. She was the youngest child, ambitious and also wanted to be just like her father. But while Hook cared for her more than Harry, he had no belief in her to become a captain of great esteem like himself so Uma personally thought CJ overcompensates with her flashy bucuneer act.

The two used to be close when they were younger, Harriet acting as their mother and above their sibling rivalry. The two would fight and get under each other’s skin but she knew Harry had a special protective spot whereas CJ was concerned though the blonde often chafted under his watchful eye and often almost got herself killed trying to do things on her own.

But then they grew up and CJ became more capable, running around the Isle with Freddie and following Captain Hook’s lead in dismissing Harry as lesser. It got worse after CJ made it to Auradon and unlike Harry, she had no loyalty to those she left behind. All she did was send condescending messages about the high time she was having sailing the Seven Seas, making it to Neverland to get Captain Hook’s compass, and raiding villages in Auradon.

That was the last straw for Harry. He could stand the taunts and condescension and the little girl pretending she was greater than she was. But the disloyalty earned his ire and CJ became subject non grata.

“Her mom contacted her. It’s Lady Caine.” Harry turned his gaze away from the wall to her again. Then punched the wall.

Lady Caine was CJ’s mom? Well that explained the disloyalty gene. Her mother was Captain Hook’s, and to the extent the rest of the Hook family’s, greatest nemesis on the Isle.

Well exempting a one night fling apparently.

“And she’s what? She’s following her now?” Uma eyed Harry’s bloody knuckles as he picked splinters away from his skin.

“I don’t know. Just.. she wants to get the Jolly Roger for herself. “Her birthright.” Harry shook his head and looked like he was about to punch something again but Uma grabbed his hook before he could do anything else. “She’s not going to get it. If anything, the Jolly Roger belongs to us. We run this town. She can go back to Auradon. We’ll drag her there by her hair when we win over the Coven.”

“I don’t care about that. She won’t get near the Jolly Roger with Da in charge of it.” Harry said. Uma was about to mention that Captain Hook was usually out of comission but knew that Harry was about to get to what was really bothering him.

“I can’t believe her mother is Caine. I can’t believe she has a mother.” Harry sat down in Hook’s chair. “Are you wondering about your mother?” Uma asked

“No I mean yes. I mean. It’s not like I care about my mother. Even if she showed up now, she’s not going to do anything for me I guess. Harriet took care of all that stuff. I just don’t get why Caine is coming back. Or why CJ is teaming up with her. After all she has done to Dad. Trying to take his ships, and steal his crew and say she’s the pirate queen of the Isle.”

“CJ has no loyalty. Even to your dad. It figures she would do whatever suits herself.” Uma said.

“But even after all the stories we know about Caine.” Harry protested.

“She’s her mother.” Uma surprised herself when the statement slipped out but it did. She thought she understood it to an extent. Ursula was no treat to be with.

But Uma still… she hated to admit it. She cared for her. She hated how Ursula lost of her power and glory since being stabbed with a sea mast and how she had no faith in her. The Isle had sucked all the life and ambition out of her. It made her even more cruel and harsh which Uma was thankful for because that’s how she knew life worked. She wasn’t encouraging, she wasn’t loving but Ursula made sure she survived.

She suppose maybe CJ felt a similar tug. Not that Lady Caine did much to make sure CJ lived but she did give her, her survival instincts. They were similar and unlike Captain Hook, Caine was giving her attention.

“I don’t trust Caine. It makes no sense that she’d have an interest in CJ even if they are related.” Harry said and Uma had to smile to herself because Harry’s protective big brother mode was creeping up.

“Well we can definately go check them out from time to time while we fight the Coven. Kill two birds with one mission.” Uma assured him and Harry nodded his assent, his hand sneaking to grip hers.

Uma breathed in and simply enjoyed the serene moment and the warmth of his hand and a bit of the blood still trickling from his knuckles. It was the calm before the impending storm.

She looked down and saw the night shadows lengthening across the floor from under the door and realized it was probably time to start heading out. There were less people out at night for them to be suspicious of their activities. She looked to Harry, unlocked their hands and walked out onto the deck that was silent with the forms of her crewmmates laying themselves out for the night.

A plan was swiftly snapping into place in her mind and she barreled out orders, “Gil, you stay here with the crew and start scouting for lackeys to recruit to our army tomorrow morning. Jay, Jordan, Aziz, you will go find mercenaries to hire. Calix and I will investigate the castle again and uh, Harry and Lala will stand guard outside.”

Uma didn’t even wait to see the others carry out her orders. She knew her crew would do it, and well… it may be petty but she didn’t care one bit if Jay, and his genie and Aziz got their throats slit in the dark. She could handle things without them.

The four took their familiar route from the ship to the castle, moving as a silent mass and reached the backdoor in no time.

Harry took up position by the door while Lala leaped up to the closest tree and rested herself on the top tree branch, her brown eyes intently watching the horizon.

Uma picked the lock and swung open the door, turning left to where they knew the parlors full of magic spell books were. Before she could get far, Calix grabbed her arm.

Uma pushed him away, and saw he was heading the wrong way. “What are you doing?” “We’ve been there. We should go right and see if we can make our way to the tower. That’s where villains go to look over their kingdom and gloat don’t they?”

“But we don’t know the way there. What if we get lost and then caught?” Uma hissed.

“Oh you underestimate me.” Calix smirked, a small glowing blue ball appeared in his hand, expanded and spread itself into a map of the floor they were on. “Son of Circe, remember?”

“Why didn’t you use that before?” Uma cried as she took the lead heading right. “I didn’t want to undermine your leadership cap’n.” Calix quipped and Uma growled. She didn’t care for his laseiz faire attitude. That sort of personality led you to a quick death around here.

“Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously. Your idea to scout the floors here was a good one but it’s not working anymore so… that’s when magic is needed.” Calix smiled at his glowing map and almost tripped over himself as they approched the spiral staircase leading up.

The walls were far too close together and the stairs were steep lending to a clustraphobic feeling Uma wasn’t quite comfortable with her. She was in her element in the water and the higher up they climbed, the farther they were from the shore, the water and all that she was used to.

She was going to be high and dry in the tower and the thought made her nervously clench and unclench her fists as she thought over the sparring techniques Harry and she used to fight when they were younger.

The stairs continued upward but Uma made a stop at a door which she nimbly picked and opened to a much more lavish hallway. There were tapestries and velvet curtains lining the walls and at random intervals, there was a desk with a vase of flowers or a knight in shining armor. There was even a plush purple carpet.

“Hmm looks like King Arthur’s.. Ah I bet Morgan was in charge of decorating.” Calix murmered to himself and Uma shushed him.

The plush rug made a great cover for their footsteps as they cautiously walked down. Most doors were unlocked which allowed them to peek into see what was in them. Many were sitting rooms or parlors or man caves. This part of the castle was clearly inhibited because they could hear the echoes of voices causing them to jump into the nearest rooms every seven minutes, but no one came near.

Around the third time of this incident happening, Uma was over it. She hated acting this cautious and scared. It was weak. She was a pirate captain and sea witch, she was used to walking straight into danger, but… the danger here was different than facing Mal’s gang. It was more potent and powerful and caution had to be exercised no matter how annoying it was to do so.  

Uma went out into the hallway and brushed against a suit of armor, the small action causing the chainmail to clatter to the floor and the echoing voices stopped echoing.

Uma and Calix ran back into the man cave and hid behind the green velvet curtains. A lame hiding spot but the only one as there was only ottamons and couches and neither would big enoough to hide under.

“Huh? It’s just a knight. Damned things can’t stay up.” A smoky voice commented outside the door and they heard the motions of her putting it back up straight.

“Well as I was saying…” a familar voice drawled Uma gripped the curtain tighter in her fists to keep back the range of emotions rising in her chest like a high tide. Anger, irritation, aggrevation, all the usual things she felt when CJ was near, amplified with the knowledge of how she betrayed her family.

“We should hit them tonight!” Them? Them as in the Jolly Roger and Harry? Tonight?!!

“I don’t think so.” The older, smoky voice rejected and Uma had to take the chance and see who was talking.

Allowing her left eye peer past the edge of the curtain she saw Lady Caine lounging on the ottoman with CJ pacing irritatedly beside her.

“I thought you put me in charge. And I say we should strike tonight.” CJ retorted huffily.

Lady Caine stretched and cracked her neck, seeming to regard CJ as the impatient child she was, “But have you thought of the Coven factor. We just heard their plans, wouldn’t it be better to wait for them and then steal off with Roger in the middle of chaos.”

CJ paused to consider it, “Hmm it would make it worse for dad if I did steal the Jolly Roger while the rest of the Isle is falling apart… I guess we could wait.”

“You're a smart girl. Knew you’d see it my way.” Lady Caine sauntered off and CJ followed after her puffing her red coat tails.

She knew she told Harry they would deal with Caine and CJ along with the Coven but the fact that the two were working with the Coven’s plans just made it so much easier. She really was going to kill two birds with one stone.

Uma shot away from her hiding place to follow after them and Calix wisely followed her lead. Uma poked her head out the door first and saw the two shadows walking away to the left and moved to follow when she felt her hat get pushed off her head. “Hello Uma!” a gleeful voice chirped followed by a hard shove with what felt like a club. Uma turned around to see a staff heading straight for her head which was quickly blasted away by one of Calix.

Uma put her hands up for a fight and then lowered them when she saw who it was.

Ginny Gothel and Zevon.

They were no threat to her really. Ginny was a pathetic fighter, preferring to stay on the sidelines and protect her vanity like her mother and Zevon… Zevon was Zevon. Big talk, big gestures and gestulications, but one good deck  usually took him out of the running.

“Fine, you wanna fight. Let’s fight. Meet your doooooooooooooooooooom!”

That’s when Uma noticed Zevon’s staff was glowing threateningly with purple mist rising around them.

Great, someone gifted the delusional meglomaniac with magic. Just great.

[writing-vibes-only]

4/21/21

Prompt: Tell the story of the witch who lives in the enchanted forest, misunderstood by the villagers nearby. 

Word count: 1,780

Celia looked up sharply from her gardening as she heard the sound of something crashing through the brambles. It was rare someone visited these parts; even more so that they weren’t hostile. Dropping her gardening shears, she reached a delicate hand for her wand. Though she wasn’t as young as she was in her adventuring days, she could take on whatever was coming at her. Right? She shook the uncertainty from her head and readied her stance. 

Just as she raised her arm to cast a spell, a trembling, dirty blur crashed into her feet. She blinked twice in surprise, and put her wand away. 

“P-please don’t hurt me! I didn’t mean to run through your garden. I h-have to get away, I can’t let her hurt me anymore.” 

Celia kneeled down and wiped the tears off the dirty, scared face of a young boy. He couldn’t have been older than seven. 

“It’s okay,” She said softly, “I wasn’t going to hurt you,” The boy sniffed and wiped his face with his torn sleeve. 

“Really?” he asked. She shook her head and smiled reassuringly. 

“Why would I hurt an innocent little boy?” The boy looked down. 

“Everyone says you’re a witch.” Ceilia laughed, but there was no malice in her tone. Instead, warm, clear notes filled the air. 

“I am a witch, but I would never hurt somebody. At least not without good reason.” The boy nodded, and stood up from the ground. He was scrawny, probably underfed, with clothes full of thorns and dirt. An unkempt mop of sandy brown hair, though it could have been any color, considering how dirty he was, sat atop his pale, tear streaked face. She noticed a rather large cut on his knee.

“Would you like to come in?” she asked kindly, “I could fix that cut for you. I have a loaf of bread from this morning and soup from last night if you’re hungry.” The boy paused, as if considering his options. Night was falling, and the forest would soon be too dangerous for a small child like himself. 

“Okay,” He replied, and Celia smiled as she led him into her quaint abode. Several cats milled about, and the boy was met with the smell of freshly baked bread and flowers from the garden. 

“Would you like to go into the washroom and clean that cut while I make supper? I think I have some clothes I shrunk on accident that might fit if you want to change.” The boy nodded eagerly at the prospect of a hot meal, and Celia smiled at his response. Both of them disappeared into their respective rooms, and Celia began to make various items float around the kitchen. 

Two bowls of soup and a bandaged cut later, the boy sat nestled into a large armchair by the fireplace. Celia peered curiously into the eyes of the child, who opted to look instead at the floor. 

“What’s your name?” she asked suddenly. The boy looked startled, but answered. 

“Luke.”

“Luke…” she echoed, trailing off. 

“Why were you running through the forest earlier? You said you had to get away.” The boy appeared even smaller in the firelight. He didn’t answer right away. 

“It’s… my mom. I had to get away from her.” Celia’s brows knit together in concern, but she nodded for him to continue. His eyes welled with tears. “She hits me… for no reason! I couldn’t take it anymore!” He sniffed again, then continued, “My dad is away, fighting in the war. I think my mom thinks I made him leave.” He looked up suddenly, and the expression on his face made Celia's heart break. “You’re not going to send me back, are you?” 

“Of course not! You know what?” she asked, leaning in. “I’m going to be your real mom now.” She said, pulling the child into a hug, which he gladly reciprocated. She didn’t stop for a long time, not until beams of moonlight shifted in from the slats of the window blinds and the fire had died to a soft, amber hue. She set the now sleeping child- no, her child- into the armchair again, and pulled a quilt over his tiny form. He shifted in his sleep, and smiled softly. 

“Sweet dreams, little one.”

10 years had passed since the evening Celia had found Luke, and she cherished every minute of it. Now a strong young man of age 17, the two could be found helping animals in the forest, planting trees, and walking along the river- when they weren’t practicing spells, brewing potions, or reading books. The older witch had finally allowed Luke to begin learning the art of magic, and he absorbed all the information like a sponge. Currently, the two were sitting in a huge clearing formed by a grove of trees, not terribly far from the village of so many years ago. The leaves of the trees rustled, but there was no wind to be felt. She was quizzing him, smirking, and holding a book in front of her.

“Quick! What is the rarest creature in this forest?”

“Unicorns,” he answered just as fast, “but some people think there might be dragons somewhere.”

“What is the most dangerous elemental magic?” 

“Ah- trick question! All of them are dangerous when used in different ways.”

“Finally- what are the three restrictions of our magic?”

“We cannot create something out of nothing, we cannot steal magic from others, and we cannot bring the dead back to life.”

Celia smiled and snapped the book shut. “I think you’re ready. Now, when I leave, the trees will look into your mind, and if they deem you worthy, they will present you with your first wand.” She stood up, and embraced her child. 

“I’m so proud of you, darling.” She stepped away and discreetly wiped her eyes as her son beamed down at her. 

“Thank you mom. Love you, wish me luck!” She smiled and stepped out of the clearing, and the invisible wind picked up. Stepping onto a faded, overgrown path, she immediately knew something was wrong. The faint scent of smoke came from the direction of the cottage, and what sounded like an army was rapidly approaching. Celia drew her own wand, and stepped into a fighting stance. Slowly, a mob of people she recognized as the villagers approached her. Each was carrying a torch, pitchfork, spear, or other weapon, and their faces looked like they were out for blood. At the front of a mob was an unruly, wild-eyed man wearing a uniform she knew came from the military. The man was followed by an equally unpleasant woman with a sneer on her face. Celia’s heart sank as she recognized the brown hair, pale eyes, and firm jaw of the people standing before her. These were Luke’s parents. 

“Witch!!” he shouted at the site of her on the path, “You evil old crone! How dare you!?! HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY SON!!!” 

Celia opened her mouth to speak, to explain the situation perhaps, but was drowned out by a horrible shout of “OPEN FIRE!!!” She raised up her wand and cast a shield charm, praying it would stop the spears and arrows, but her hands shook as she cast the spell. If only she could hold out until her son came, the ritual was not long! Perhaps they would listen to him. Perhaps-

She was interrupted by a gutteral screech coming from the soldier in front of her, and threw down her shield at the last second to dodge a blow from his sword. Sparks met metal as she tried to avoid his swings and shoot a blast at him. Tripping on a root, she fell back, but took aim and launched a spell straight into his chest knocking him backward 15 feet. 

“Mom!!” She heard a shout coming from the forest, as Luke ran over and quickly helped her up. “What is going on? What-”

“My son! Stand back from this evil witch, she stole you from us! Don’t worry though, I will end her for you.” Luke only glared at the man who was supposed to be his father. 

“Do not call me your son.” He spat icily, his voice absolutely dripping with venom. “You lost that privilege when you ran away to war and left me with her.” The woman who was his mother glared at him, but Luke was not the same scared 7 year old he once was. “Didn’t she tell you? How she used to whip me until I bled, or lock me in the cellar? Did she forget to inform you that I ran away? You…” He paused, as if searching for the right word, “You miserable, selfish, conceited bastards! You are not my parents! Never were, never will be.” 

“The person you claim to have stolen me raised me, chose to take me in when she found me. She is my mother. You are not my parents.” His ex-father’s face contorted into a cross between a grimace and a glare. 

“OPEN FIRE ON THE TWO OF THEM!!!” He shouted with the merciless bravado of a man driven insane. Celia didn’t hesitate. She ignored the mob storming back to the village after the attack, ignored the fire starting in the underbrush from a torch, ignored the whispering pleas of the sacred trees. All she saw was the scared face of her son, previously preoccupied by putting out said fire, staring ahead in horror as a spear plummeted towards his chest. She jumped in front of him and closed her eyes, bracing for the impact that would rip her life from her body, tear her away from her cherished son. 

In front of the grove of trees stands a grave, a monument of sorts for the person buried there. A statue of marble, veined with gold, stands strong and steady along the side of the path. It never decays, and many thieves have tried to steal it, but none can overcome the powerful magic keeping it there. The leaves of the trees may fall around it, as does the snow and the blossoms with the changing of the seasons, but the grave never changes. When you pass it along the forgotten path, stop and listen. The trees beacon you closer. 

“Look” the whisper in your ears, “look at the beautiful sacrifice.” “So sad,” they murmur, “The love of a mother remains strong even after death.” 

“So wasteful, that one has to die for another to live,”  

“Look.” they surround you. 

“Are you really so different?”

[the-revisionist]

Well, reading those was already a journey... hm, but how bout 1 or 19. Or, you know, BOTH.

Okay then, BOTH! And also harkening back to @ylizam‘s request for 19 as well. (For reference, list of prompts here.)

LTiH, Gillian/Caroline, post series 4-ish.

Note: the film that Gillian describes at length is acomplete fabrication; Night of the Lepus,I’m afraid, is the real deal.

the most important three seconds in the imaginary history of cinema 

Not unlike a great musician merging with an instrument, thetelly remote has, to Caroline’s strangely aroused dismay, become a mightyextension of Gillian’s hand. She points it with thrilling command, like D’Artagnanfacing Cardinal Richelieu in a battle for the soul of France; then throttles itviolently while cursing her son and his infernal Xbox, which she believes to bethe rightful cause of the nonfunctioning black screen that mocks them.

“That b-bloody stupid pillock, always messing about with thesetup—” Gillian snarls and gives the remote another useless shake, demonstratingthe same impatient, childlike rage at insensate objects that Caroline haswitnessed in her granddaughter, who delights in twisting and slamming arounddolls with unrepentant, rugby-player-on-steroids glee.

As Caroline waits for the temper tantrum to subside,questions as to her romantic suitability with this exquisite maniac once againarise. She notes for perhaps the thousandth time that there is no such thing asthe perfect partner and her expectations have always been loftily, unrealisticallyhigh whilst at the same time acknowledging that shagging one’s stepsister onthe side is perhaps not a personal best and more suited to a troubled but minorheadline in Woman’s Weekly. So she hasopted not to think of Gillian as Gillian per se, but rather My Nice-SmellingIllicit Secret Girlfriend Who Can Change the Oil in my Jeep But if My MotherFinds Out She Will Kill Us Both and Have a Stroke Maybe at the Same Time. Itmakes for unexpected headaches, complicated secrecy, and increased whiskeyconsumption, each aspect of the conundrum feeding off of and prompting theother.    

Courtesy of family members who have actual lives, who goplaces and do things and aren’t grumpily absorbed into demanding,time-consuming jobs, they are alone for an entire weekend. It’s Saturdayevening and the day has passed in a happy hedonistic blur of shagging, eating,drinking, and going for a long walk. Over dinner Gillian proposed watching afilm afterward and Caroline agreed, thinking that after Round 2 (or 3, shewasn’t certain how to classify those ten minutes in the barn except to acknowledgeher culpability in startling a lamb), she was more than sexually sated for thetime being and she could endure whatever third-rate monster movie or Tarantinoretrospective thrown her way. But while cleaning up Gillian bent over toretrieve a napkin that had fallen on the floor and as far as Caroline’s criticalfaculties could discern those three seconds of glorious, blue-jeaned ass were acinematic masterpiece rivaling the complete oeuvre of Hitchcock and Kurosawaand Truffaut and any other pretentious fucker with a fancy name and Carolinedecided then and there she really didn’t need to see another movie perhaps fora long time but most certainly, definitely not tonight because with renewedvigor she was now chomping at the erotic bit for Round 3 (or 4).

Alas she finds herself in a tangled sprawl with Gillian onthe sofa as a prelude to movie-watching, her chin forlornly propped against Gillian’supper arm while the latter growls “fuckity fuck fuck fuck” at the remote, andthen Caroline arrives at the momentous decision that intervention—in the formof a long, deep, heated kiss—is required. The first time they kissed like that,Gillian dropped trou faster than the closing curtain at the last performance ofa Carrie musical revival. So sheseizes a handful of plaid shirt, pulling the startled Gillian closer, andkisses her just so. While Gillian makes the same girlish whimpering noise nowthat she did then, she does not merrily surrender all clothing as her passportto ecstasy and instead breaks off the kiss to glower again at the unresponsivetelevision.

Caroline has never been so deeply disheartened at a displayof focused willpower in her entire life.

“I know I DVR’edthis,” Gillian says, arm ramrod straight as she once again thrusts the clickerat the dead screen while furiously jabbing random buttons with her thumb.

Caroline waits for a light saber to come shooting out of theremote. When it doesn’t, she tugs at Gillian’s shirt again, engaging them inanother wet, lingering kiss. “What’s it again?” she mutters around theconfluence of the kiss.

“It’s a—psychological—suspense—thriller,” Gillian breathesinto her mouth.

“So—” Caroline initiates another kiss. “—total—shit—horror—movie.”

“No,” Gillian replies with a kiss of her own. “It’s.”Another kiss. “Not.” This time with an added nip. “It’s more than that.” Thistime longer, gentler, sweeter. “I want you to see it. It’s really good.”

Caroline shifts tactics and goes for the vulnerableerogenous zone of the ear while slipping a hand under Gillian’s shirt. “What’sit about?”

“About t-this guy, he, he gets stranded in Hungary—”

Caroline puts her moves on hold. “What kind of knobhead getsstranded in Hungary?” Quietly she curses her natural curiosity and advocacy of rational,well-planned behavior, even in fictitious characters from all parts of theworld, including Hungary. “There are maps, trains, buses—”  

“People get stranded in Hungary, where is it written thatpeople don’t get stranded in Hungary and I know what you’re up to, stop trying to undo my bra.”

Defeated, Caroline withdraws her hand. “Kissing still allright?”

Gillian pauses before uttering “proceed” in her bestJean-Luc Picard tone.

“Okay,” Caroline mumbles into Gillian’s neck as shebrilliantly conducts kissing, nibbling, and licking with the exactitude of aMozart string quartet, but then thinks maybe it’s not brilliant because she’snot getting any reaction—until she notices Gillian’s breathing has gottenawfully shallow. “So. Idiot stranded in Hungary—“

“H-he meets this mysterious family who live in a castle—”

“Vampires,” Caroline supplies confidently.

“No, not vampires. Don’t be so clichéd.”

“Werewolves.”

“Cliché.”

“Writers for the DailyMail?”

“Fuck sakes, Caz.”

“All right, sorry—so what—?”

“Satanists.”

Abruptly Caroline rears back. “That’s not clichéd?”

“They’re like a cult,” Gillian says haughtily, as if highlyorganized secretive Satanists somehow merited originality and legitimaterespect rather than the garden-variety kind of devil worshippers one mightencounter after midnight at Tesco buying candles and snacks and bottles of hotsauce for phony pentagram and animal sacrifice rituals to alarm their elderlyand easily freaked-out neighbors. “See, the whole setup, it’s kind of a modernHungarian version of The Masque of theRed Death except without dwarves or black plague or Vincent Price.”  

“Well I simply cannot commit to a film without dwarves orblack plague or Vincent Price, so perhaps we should give this a pass.”

“There’s also a psychedelic mini-musical when the countessmarries Satan. They sing ‘Kiss Them for Me’ by Siouxsie and the Banshees,messing with the lyrics—‘it’s all for me/at Satan’s gift registry.’ Wonder theydidn’t get sued. Actually, maybe they did. I should google—” Gillian lookslongingly at her mobile, which is far away on the coffee table.

Caroline sighs. “You do realize that by tomorrow morning ourentire families are going to converge on this house and we probably won’t haveanother opportunity to be completely alone until Flora and Calamity go touniversity.”

“Aw bless, I love how optimistic you are. ’Cause you knowCalam is going to be a druglord. That’s how she’s going to support me in mydotage.”

“Great, so you’ll have plenty of time in your ‘dotage’ towatch bad horror films.” She tries to pry the remote from Gillian’s hand, anexercise in futility, she knows, recalling a time she tried to reclaim analmost-empty bottle of really excellent cabernet sauvignon from Gillian anddiscovered that the woman has the iron grip of an Olympic weightlifter. Thenthe mask of her own stubborn idiocy falls away when she sees a flash of realdisappointment on Gillian’s face. “You really want to see this, don’t you?”

“More like—“ Gillian shrugs self-consciously. “I, well, justwanted to share it. Wanted you to see it.”

Caroline’s guilty conscience finally asserts itself. Shegives the remote a gentle tug. “May I?”

Curious, Gillian hands it over. Caroline sits up, pops openthe back of the remote, pulls batteries out of her pants pocket, quicklyinserts them into the empty chamber from whence they came, snaps the cover backinto place, and guiltily awaits judgment.  

Gillian’s reaction is, of course, better than any movie,including the imaginary Warholian masterpiece of three seconds of denim-coveredass: Her face encompasses a rollercoaster of reactions beginning with unbridledshock and fury, detouring through astonished admiration and reluctantamusement, and back again to hostile, narrow-eyed territory. “You. Fucking.Evil. Bitch.”

“I’m sorry. Really, I am. Really, really sorry. I was goingto make a go of watching a movie, honest, but after dinner you bent over andyou know I’m weak—”

“You sex fiend.” Gillian enunciates it with the same puritanprecision that Celia employs in saying lesbian.

“Oh, I’m a sexfiend, Great Slapper of Halifax?”

“Shut up, I so rarely get a chance to be judgmental likethis and I’d like to bloody well enjoy it.”

“It reflects very well on you, though. Or on your ass, atthe very least.”

“Piss off.” Resolute, Gillian folds her arms; glaring defiantlyat the telly screen, she sulks for an agonizingly long minute. “Despite your f-flatteryand, and okay, your evilness is weirdlyturning me on, we are watching this fucking movie. All right?”

“All right,” Caroline agrees dreamily as she watches Gillianget up and stomp to the kitchen. The things we do for—love? Lust? The perfectass, the secret girlfriend? At the present moment it’s more than she’s willingto contemplate and so she sets it aside; not out of denial, but rather sherealizes that what exists between them should remain safe, thriving until itcan withstand the glare and scrutiny of the world at large. At last, and forreasons unknown to her at the moment, she finally sees potential in what theyare.

“I might make you watch Nightof the Lepus as well,” Gillian threatens from the kitchen.  

“Surely there are more pleasurable ways of punishing me?”

This salacious salvo is ignored. “Shut up, I’m makingpopcorn.”

Caroline slumps deeper into the sofa, looks at the remote.With a few button presses she’s in the DVR menu and, cheeks burning withpleasure, smiles at what she sees listed there. “Oh ho ho. Somebody has DVR’ed University Challenge for me.”

Gillian slams a pan on the stove. “Who says it’s for you?”

“Who else in this household would watch it?”

“Raff.”

“Don’t lie.”

“Don’t read anything into it.”

“I’m totally reading everything into it,” Caroline trillstriumphantly—even though it’s completely wrong to gloat after so much badbehavior on her part. “You are smitten.”

“You are delusional.”

“Mad about me.”

“You’re mad, period.”

“You absolutely adore me.”

The tell-tale silence ends with Gillian’s softly gruntedadmission: “Maybe.”

Caroline grins.

“But you’re still a bitch.”