#me and my future wife r on the beach chilling

[one-leaf-grimoire]

Illusion (chapter 5)

Grey Deer Fic chapter 5! Here’s the link to the full story: link.

As you can see, I changed the name bc I wasn’t vibing with the other one.

WARNING: slight implication of *Sex* (but not with Julius, unfortunately...)

As always, I would really love to hear what you think of this chapter!

"Captain, do you have a minute-"

I stop talking as soon as I poke my head into Captain Hervey's office. It's a sizable room, with rich wood paneling and blue wallpaper making it seem cozy. Several stuffed deer heads are hanging above the severe man's desk, where he sits across from his vice captains. Both Malota and Julius turn around to look at me; obviously I'm interrupting a meeting. "A-Ah, sorry, I'll come back later-"

"Nonsense, spit it out. But make it quick." Hervey gestures me closer, and I gulp and enter the room, a paper clutched in my hands. "What's that?"

This is always a little awkward, even though I've given several of these requests to him over the years. But it's his fault for having the "only registered guests only" rule for our base. "Lawrence wants to come visit tomorrow, can I get your approval?"

Hervey lets out a snort of laughter. "Your fiance? He was here pretty recently, wasn't he? Why do you keep inviting him here, just go visit him yourself."

"Ah, well, he insists. I can't really say no to him..."

But you can, sir. I watch as he takes the paper and looks at it carefully, as if he's making up his mind. Meanwhile, I'm praying that he says NO so I have a good reason to avoid seeing Lawrence tomorrow. Malota looks bored and lets a sigh out through her vulture-like nose. Julius stares at the Captain's table silently. Another reason why I wanted to avoid asking in front of other people is because it becomes awkward like this. Neither of our Vice Captains want to hear about my personal life, I'm sure. 

"Very well. But he better be gone by dinner time, I'm not feeding him, even if he is a prince!"

Fuck! I force a smile as he signs the paper, a magical chill moving through the room as he does so. Somehow, Hervey can manipulate the barrier spell he cast around the base to let authorized guests enter after he signs off on it. His ice magic is some of the most powerful I've ever seen, and he's able to upkeep such a potent spell all day and night, subconsciously. He really is amazing, despite his faults, and it's easy to see why he's captain. "Thank you, sir, sorry for interrupting." With that, I turn and shuffle out of the room, feeling a small weight of dread in the pit of my stomach.

Why, though? Why are you dreading this? Lawrence is your Fiance, your future Husband! Shouldn't you be happy to see him?

That's probably what you're thinking, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. I tolerate Lawrence Kira, and that's all. He's 5 years older than me, always acts like he's my superior (which he is, but come on!), and really isn't the most considerate person. He always talks about how great things are expected of him, and how he needs a supportive wife to help him achieve those things and continue the Kira line. "One day." he always tells me. "One day, our children could be the King. Wouldn't you like that?"

No... Not really, actually.

But I can't tell him that. If I show any disrespect, he'll bring the hammer down, on both me and my parents. We're already on thin ice, and this marriage is supposed to save my family. When the engagement was first decided, I was only 5 years old and had no idea what it even meant. As I grew older, I was told how romantic it was going to be. Doesn't every girl want to marry a prince? I was excited to live out what seemed like a fairy tale.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. It soon became clear that Lawrence would never actually love me. At least not all of me. Not only that, but like I said, he's older than me, and as we spent more and more time together, he started to force me to grow up a bit faster than I should have. I'm sure you can guess what I mean. 

If I didn't have Alice, I don't know what I would have done. But when I came to her and revealed that I didn't want to marry this prince, she didn't shun me or say I was crazy. She held me, and told me that we were going to get out of this, together. And so, I joined the magic knights, as the first step of my plan. The wedding that was supposed to be when I turned 18 was postponed. Luckily, the Magic Knights are a very esteemed and legitimate career path for both Royalty and nobility, so I was able to get away with it. Lawrence's family even said they were proud that their son would be marrying a magic knight.

Well... it's been 7 years since then. There's no plans for a wedding yet. This engagement can only go on so long before Lawrence decides to break it off. By that time, I'll be able to support my family myself! I don't need a marriage, and I'll finally be free to do what I want.

That's my secret, the secret only Alice and I know. My one hope for tomorrow is that Lawrence will coldly tell me that he can't wait around any longer, and will break it off right then and there.

Of course, it's never that easy.

"Hello, Lawrence."

I stand outside the base to meet him as he transports in with the help of a spatial mage. He brushes himself off before looking up, his grey eyes quickly meeting mine. Unintentionally, I feel a cold chill down my back, something that's always happened when he looks at me like that. "It's been too long, have you really been that busy?" Lawrence asks as he walks over, pulling his cloak a little tighter around himself. The snow has long melted, but its freeze still hangs lightly in the air around us.

"Er, yes, pretty busy." I let him take my hand and pull it up to his lips, not bothering to bend over. A royal shouldn't bow to anyone, after all. His lips are cold on my skin as he kisses the back of my hand, before dropping it immediately. "I actually had a pretty big mission a few days ago, I was able to beat five guys-"

"Yeah, I'm sure. You can tell it to me over lunch." Lawrence dismisses my story kind of quickly before turning to walk towards the base. I wince and hold out a hand to stop him. "Uh-er, we can't eat here!"

"Hmm? Why not?" Lawrence throws a glance over his shoulder.

"Captain Hervey said, uh... we can't spare food right now for outsiders."

"Hmph. Fine. We'll eat in town." Lawrence sighs and turns to walk back to me, grabbing my hand as he does. "Also, what did I tell you about using filler words? Stop saying um and er so much."

"R-right, sorry." I let him pull me along, away from the base.

"Man... are they really in love?" 

Giles leans on the windowsill as the others gather around him, peeping down at me and Lawrence as we walk off out of sight. "Every time he comes, she looks like she'd rather be somewhere else."

"It's true," Alice pipes up, leaning against the wall and not bothering to look. "He's a real piece of work, you know."

"How can that be? He's a prince." Elia crosses her arms. "Who wouldn't want to marry a prince?"

"She just wants to live a normal life, I think. She's not cut out for that royalty stuff anyway."

"Nigel, shut up."

Meanwhile, Lawrence and I reach town and make our way towards my favorite resteraunt there. "There's really no other place to eat?" Lawrence asks, pulling his hood up over his head, his eyes darting around the street.

"It's my favorite! I think you'll like it, too." I squeeze his hand, causing him to smile for a moment. "You're afraid of being recognized."

"Yeah... I have a pretty big fanclub you know!"

... I doubt that...

Our base is located in a forest right outside the limits of the noble realm. We're close enough to town so we can get all of our supplies, but secluded enough that Captain Hervey is able to put up our barrier. It honestly feels like a little sanctuary for the squad, but I still like going in to town to see the usual hustle-and-bustle of civilization.

"You know, this type of place does have a little charm." Lawrence talks to me as he quietly sips his beer. His eyes keep darting around the restaurant, as if he were analyzing everything in sight. He's always been like that, cool and calculated, always scheming or sizing the world up. He's really an intelligent man, someone who can keep a level head in any situation. His magic is very strong, too, and it's interesting that he never joined the Magic Knights. When I asked him why a long time ago, he simply said that it wasn't his style. I have a feeling he'd rather be involved in the government down the line.

"I'm glad you think so. I guess not all Royals are so stuffy," I answer, playfully nudging his foot under the table. Lawrence narrows his eyes at me but can't conceal his smile. Ah! I need to stop being so cute around him, remember?

"I'm not that stuffy, am I? I can have fun... what do you and the squad do for fun, anyway?" Lawrence yawns a little, scratching his chin under his hood.

"Hmm..." I think over the past for a moment. "Well, we have little parties in our base now and then. Oh, also, the Captain lets us go to the beach on our days off! We also like to come to town to go drinking some nights."

"Ah... that sounds like fun. A little crude, but fun." Lawrence nods along with my words. "Maybe I'll take you to the beach sometime, just the two of us."

Just the two of us.

"...yeah, sure."

By the time lunch is done, it's obvious to me that Lawrence isn't about to break up with me or anything. In fact, I've somehow managed to warm him back up to me after more than a month of absence, and now...

"Let's go back to the base."

"Huh? Er- Lawrence, I told you before-"

"Stop saying ER! And I don't want to eat. Is your roommate around?"

"...probably not..."

"Good."

This is my least favorite part of his visits. Lawrence hates showing affection out in public, but as soon as we're alone and away from prying eyes, he basically pounces on me. I can't really do much but hold on as his lips crash into mine hungrily. We were each other's first kisses, but I'm pretty sure he's pretty good at it. The way he moves his lips against mine always makes me dizzy, at least. He pushes me until we're both flat on my twin bed, one of his hands bunching up the sheets next to my head. The biggest drawback of avoiding him for so long is that he gets... needy. 

However, his affection doesn't last long. As soon as he's done, Lawrence simply pulls the covers over me and gets up. I roll over, feeling a bit sore, and watch as he starts to re-dress himself. "You're leaving?"

"Yeah." Lawrence buttons up his shirt, his fingers fumbling slightly. "I assume I'm not allowed to stay for dinner." He sits back down on the bed to start pulling his shoes and socks on. "I'll come back to visit soon, don't avoid me any more, you hear?"

"...yeah. No guarantees, though." I gulp nervously, pulling the covers over myself more as he looks down at me again. "I'm a magic knight, you know! I have a duty-"

"Your duty should be our future," Lawrence cuts me off, his gaze moving away from me again. "...do you really feel like this is where you belong?"

I open my mouth to respond the answer that I always do: Yes, of course. I'm meant to be a magic knight! 

But... I can't say that any more, can I?

Because, for whatever reason, someone on my very own squad wanted me gone.

"Hey... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry."

I didn't even notice the tears trailing down my face until Lawrence reaches out to cup my cheek gently. I look up into his grey eyes, which are filled with warmth, for once. But I still get that chill.

"If something's bothering you... you know where to find me, okay? You're going to be my wife one day, hopefully soon. We can put all this Magic Knights business behind you, but you'll always carry that honor. I'll take care of you, I promise."

... "Alright." I nod slowly, reaching up to hold his hand for a second before he pulls it away. "Write me some letters."

"I will. See you soon!"

Lawrence gives me a small smile and a wave, before quietly leaving me alone in my room once again.

I stay there for a while, curling up under my sheets like a cocoon. For just a couple minutes, I feel safe.

Lawrence really isn't so bad, is he? I mean... at least I know what he wants. My attackers won't show themselves again, not yet, and they won't tell me why they want me gone. Maybe... maybe I should just listen to them, and leave...

No. That's stupid. I squeeze my eyes shut as memories start to flood back.

I can't leave... because then I'll marry Lawrence. I don't want to be near him at all! Slowly, I sit up, letting the sheets fall off my body as the more pleasant chill of the base hits my skin. I'll find out who attacked me, and purge them from this squad! I'm meant to be here, I'm meant to be a magic knight.

Eventually, I get up to get dressed, cleaning myself off before heading to the bathroom. I splash some water on my face before looking up at my reflection. I look tired and a little stressed out... but alive.

"Hello there! Enjoy your day off?"

I'm on my way down to dinner when I run into none other than Julius. I haven't seen him all day, not since yesterday's meeting, but he's heading the same way as me now. "Ah, yeah. I haven't seen my fiance in a while, so it was nice to have lunch with him."

"Your fiance? Oh, right, Prince Lawrence." Julius nods as he falls into step next to me. I glance up at the taller man, not able to read any emotion other than his usual neutrally-happy expression. Even so, his presence puts me at ease, although I doubt anyone would attack me now while everyone is awake in the base. "Is the wedding happening soon?"

"Oh, definitely not. We haven't even started planning it!" I smirk a little. And if I have my way... it won't ever be planned!

"I see... I guess, eventually, you're going to outrank us all."

"Huh?" I look up to see him smiling teasingly down at me. 

"You'll be a princess, right?"

"P-Princess?" My eyes widen as I realize that he's right. Then, I shake my head. "Ah! I don't even want to think about that..."

"Why not?"

"Too much pressure?"

"Ah, well, I think it suits you."

I look back up at him, aghast, just in time to catch his wink. "Hey! Jul- I mean, sir, that's a long way in the future-"

"Julius is fine-" He lets out a warm laugh before gesturing for me to keep up with him. "Come on... a princess can't be late for dinner."

..... AHHHHHH.

I swallow my pride and quickly catch up, pouting a bit to myself. Princess... I can't even imagine becoming royalty. And I don't want to! I'll never be a princess, not if I have anything to say about it.

Slowly, though, I feel my cheeks heat up, and it takes everything I have to keep from glancing back up at Julius's face.

Still...

It didn't sound so bad when he called me that...

[patricksmusicblog]

My Favorite Albums/Projects From Each Year of the 10s

The 2010′s decade is about 6 months till its end, mind-boggling enough, this blog has existed for 9 years of it starting mid-2011. Thank you to everyone who’s ever taken any sort of time out of their life to read, think about, or even just glance at one of my reviews over the years it’s meant a lot. Special thanks to those who’ve sent music for me to review or just to listen too and those who’ve reached out and bonded with me over music and more the past few years. This is a compilation of most of all my favorite albums/mixtapes/eps over the years. I’ll probably condense it by years end to a top 50 albums of the 10′s list at the year's end. Hopefully, you find something you haven’t heard and enjoy.

2010 Favs:

Drake- Thank Me Later(Rap): Katy Perry- Teenage Dreams(Pop) Vampire Weekend- Contra(Indie Pop) MGMT- Congratulations(Psych Rock) Nicki Minaj- Pink Friday(Rap) Morning Benders- Big Echo(Indie Pop) Kid Cudi- Man On The Moon II: The Legend of The Rager(Rap) Earl Sweatshirt-Earl(Rap) Four Tet- There Is Love In You(Electronic) Logic- Young Broke and Infamous(Rap) Ceremony- Rohnert Park(Punk)                                                       Baths- Cerulean(Electronic) Caribou- Swim(Electronic)

2011 Favs:

Drake- Take Care(Rap) Kendrick Lamar- Section 80(Rap) Elzhi- Elmatic(Rap) Tyler The Creator- Goblin(Rap) A$AP Rocky- LiveLoveA$AP(Rap) Adele- 21(R&B/Pop) Braids- Native Speaker(indie pop/experimental) Common- The Dreamer The Believer(Rap)                                           Death Grips-Exmilitary(Rap/Experimental)                                                        Thurz-LA Riot(Rap) Logic- Young Sinatra(Rap) Plaid- Scintilli(Electronic) The Roots- Undune(Rap) Battles-Gloss Drop(experimental rock) Africa HiTech-93 Million Miles(Electronic) Torae-For The Record(Rap) Oneohtrix Point Never-Replica(Electronic) Wale-Ambition(Rap) Danny Brown- XXX(Rap)

2012 Favs:

Death Grips-The Money Store(Experimental Hip-Hop) Death Grips- No Love Deep Web(Experimental Hip-Hop) Kendrick Lamar-Good Kid MAAD City(Rap) OFF!-Off!(Punk) Godspeed You! Black Emperor- Allelujah! Don't Bend! Ascend!(Post-Rock) Cloud Nothings- Attack On Memory(Post-Hardcore) The Act Of Estimating as Worthless-Amongst These Splintered Minds//Leaden Thoughts Sing Softly(Indie-Folk) Big Krit-Live From The Underground(Rap) Aesop Rock-Skelethon(Rap) Crypts-Crpt(Electronic) BBNG-BBNG2(instrumental Hip-Hop/jazz rap) KRS-One- The BDP Album(Rap) Killer Mike-Rap Music(Rap) Nas-Life Is Good(Rap) Animal Collective- Centipede Hz(Psych-pop/Experimental Music) Torche- Harmonicraft(Punk) Squarepusher- Ufabulum(Electronic) Rapsody-The Idea Of Beautiful(Rap) Grimes-Visions(Synth-Pop) Joey Bada$$-1999(Rap)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnwUlyjmloI Theesatisfaction -Awe Naturale(Neo-Soul)(R&B)

2013 Favs:

Honey Bones- Honey Bones EP(Synth-Pop) A$AP Rocky-LongLiveASAP(Rap) Joey Bada$$- Summer Knights(Rap) Daft Punk- Random Access Memories(Disco,Electronic,Funk) Janelle Monae-Electric Lady(R&B)                                                Braids- Flourish//Perish(Electronic/Synth-pop)                                Daniel Avery-Drone Logic(Electronic) Anamanaguchi- Endless Fantasy(Electronic/chiptune) Am & Shawn Lee- La Musique Numerique(Electronica) The Haxan Cloak-Excavation(Experimental Electronic) My Bloody Valentine- MBV(Shoegaze) Danny Brown- Old(Rap) Charli XCX- True Romance(Synth-Pop) J.Cole-Born Sinner(Rap) Katy Perry- Prism(Pop) Rapsody- She Got Game(Rap) Tyler The Creator- Wolf(Rap) Paramore- Paramore(Pop-Punk/Alternative) Boards Of Canada-Tomorrow's Harvest(Electronic) Mac Miller- Watching Movies With The Sound Off(Rap) Run The Jewels- Run The Jewels(Rap)

2014 favs:

La Dispute- Rooms Of The House(Post-Punk) Solids- Blame Confusion(Post-Hardcore) Cloud Nothings- Here and Nowhere(Post-Hardcore) Off!- Wasted Years(Punk) Autistic Youth- Nonage(Punk) Sleepstream- They Flew In Censored Skies(Post-Rock) Indian- From All Purity(Black Metal) Glassbooks- Deluge(Post-Punk) Mono- Rays Of Darkness(Shoegaze) Manchester Orchestra- Cope(Alternative Rock) Kidaudra- Ache(Synth-Pop) Mars and The Massacre-Blackout(Garage Rock) Hivehead- Garbage(Punk) No Axis- Labyrinth(Electronic) American Wolf- My Main Sport(Post-Rock) Charli XCX- Sucker(Pop) Run The Jewels- Run The Jewels 2(Rap) Aphex Twin- Syro(Electronic) J. Cole-2014 Forest Hills Drive(Rap) Clipping- CLPPNG(Experimental Rap) Adult Jazz-Gist Is(Experimental Rock) Freddie Gibb & Madlib- Pinata(Rap) Kimbra- Golden Echo(Pop) Logic- Under Pressure(Rap) FKA Twigs-LP1(R&B) Deadmau5-While(1<2)(Electronic) Napolian- Incursio(Electronic) Eprom- Halflife(Electronic) Wolves In The Throne Room- Celestite(Electronic)                   Basement Jaxx- Junto(Electronic)                                          Tokimonsta- Desiderium(Electronic) Vessel-Punish, Honey(Electronic) Plaid- Reachy Prints(Electronic) Skyzoo & Torae- Barrel Brothers(Rap) Big K.r.i.t- Cadillactica(Rap) Uncommon Nasa- New York Telephone(Rap) French Montana-Coke Boys 4(Rap) Death Grips-Government Plates(Experimental Hip-Hop) Future-Monster(Rap) Nitty Scott MC- The Art Of Chill(Rap) Prhyme- Prhyme(Rap) Common-Nobody's Smiling(Rap) Shabazz Palaces- Lese Majesty(Rap) Mastodon- Once More 'Round The Sun(Metal)

2015 favs:

Kendrick Lamar- To Pimp a Butterfly(Rap) Tame Impala-Currents(Psych-Pop) Shlohmo- Dark Red(Electronic) Chelsea Wolfe- Abyss(Dark Wave) Dr. Dre- Compton(Rap) Joey Bada$$-B4.DA.$$(Rap) Protomartyr- The Agent Intellect(Post-Punk) Battles- La Di Da Di(experimental Rock) Girlpool- Before The World Was Big(Punk) Alabama Shakes- Sound & Color(Blues-Rock) Theesatisfaction- Earthee(rap) Square Pusher- Damogen Furies(Electronic) The Chemical Brothers- Born In The Echoes(Electronic) Earl Sweatshirt- I Don't Like Shit I don't go Outside(Rap) Grimes- Art Angels(Synth-Pop) Lupe Fiasco- Tetsu & Youth(Rap) Braids- Deep In The Iris(Electronic/Synth-Pop) Scarface- Deeply Rooted(Rap) Drake- If Your Reading This It's Too Late(Rap) Jay Rock- 90059(Rap) A$AP Rocky- At Long Last A$AP(Rap) Torche- Restarter(Sludge Metal) Aldo Calrissian- Future Shower Thoughts(Electronic) The Game- Documentary 2.5(Rap) Future- Beast Mode(Rap) Future- 56 Nights(Rap) Lana Del Rey- Honeymoon(Baroque pop) Adele- 25(Pop/R&B) Constant Deviants- Avant Garde(Rap)

2016 Favs:

A Tribe Called Quest-We Got It From Here...Thank You For Your Service(Rap) J. Cole-4 Your Eyez Only(Rap) Tacocat-Lost Time(Punk) Weezer-The White Album(Alternative) Danny Brown- Atrocity Exhibition(Rap) YG- Still Brazy(Rap) Schoolboy Q- Blank Face(Rap) Kendrick Lamar- Untitled Unmastered(Rap) BBNG- IV(Hip-Hop) Beyonce- Lemonade(R&B) Kamaiyah- A Good Night In The Ghetto(Rap) Solange- A Seat At The Table(R&B) Faxada- Cohost(Electronic) Celestial Sight- Through The Flat Fields(Electronic) Torae- Entitled(Rap) Kidaudra- Blue Human(Electronic) Aesop Rock-The Impossible Kid(Rap) Death Grips- Bottomless Pitt(Experimental Hip-Hop) Constant Deviants- Omerta(Rap) Man Bites Dog- Entertaining The World(experimental)-                  James Blake- The Colour In Anything(R&B) Drake- Views(Rap) Hivehead- Please Eat Ants(Punk) Damocles- Grizzly Neutron(Electronic) Kodachrome- Journey Into Imagination(Electronic) Lil Yachty- Lil Boat(Rap) Brooklyn White- One(Rap) Flatbush Zombies- 3001: A Laced Odyssey(Rap) Parquet Courts- Human Performance(Indie Rock) Run The Jewels- RTJ3(Rap)

2017 Favs:

DJ-V-The Mad, Mad, Maniac(Rap) Aldo Calrissian- Destroy All Bring New(Electronic) Cloud Nothings- Life Without Sound(Post-Hardcore) Honey Bones- Black(Electronic) Tops- Sugar At The Gate(indie rock) ZoThejerk & Frost Gamble- Black Beach(Rap) Metz- Strange Peace(Noise Rock) Lorde- Melodrama(Art Pop) Tone Chop & Frost Gamble- Respect Is Earned Not Given(Rap) Raekwon- The Wild(Rap) Big K.R.I.T-4eva Is A Mighty Long Time(Rap) Breakfast Muff- Eurgh!(Punk) Epiglottis-She Unravelled the Heavens and The Light Shone Through(Electronic) Jay-Z- 4:44(Rap) Protomartyr- Relatives In Descent(Post-Punk) Four Tet- New Energy(Electronic) Joey Bada$$- All Amerikkkan Bada$$(Rap) SZA- CTRL(R&B) Rapsody- Laila's Wisdom(Rap) Kendrick Lamar- DAMN(Rap Converge-The Dusk In Us(Metal/punk) Princess Nokia- 1992 Deluxe(Rap) Bibio- Phantom Brickworks(Electronic)

2018 Favs:

Reason-There You Have It(Rap) J.Cole- KOD(Rap) Pusha T- Daytona(Rap) Jay Rock- Redemption(Rap) Royce Da 5'9- Book Of Ryan(Rap) Meek Mill- Championships(Rap) Noname- Room 25 Jean Grae & Quelle Chris- Everything's Fine(Rap) Aphex Twin- Collapse EP(Electronic) Kidaudra- Pluto IRD(Electronic)https://kidaudra.bandcamp.com/ Dirty Projectors- Lamp Lit Prose(Experimental Rock) Black Panther: The Album(Rap) MGMT- Little Dark Age(Electronic) Hinds- I Don't Run(Indie Rock) Dream Wife- Dream Wife(Punk) Phryme- Phryme 2(Rap) Tone Chop & Frost Gamble- One(Rap) Cupcakke- Ephorize(Rap) Freddie Gibbs- Freddie Gibbs(Rap) Tierra Whack- Whack World(Rap) Flatbush Zombies- Vacation In Hell(Rap) Cardi-B- Invasion Of Privacy(Rap) Lil Wayne- Tha Carter V(Rap) 21 Savage- I AM > I Was(Rap) Kodak Black- Dying to Live(Rap)                                                     Logic- Young Sinatra IV(Rap) Converge- Beautiful Ruin EP(Metal/punk) Princess Nokia- A Girl Cried Red(Emo-Rap) Naked Giants-Sluff(Punk) Moaning- Moaning(Post-Punk) Chrome Panther- A Screaming Comes Across The Sky(Electronic) Shame- Songs Of Praise(Post Punk)

2019 Favs so far:

Freddie Gibbs & Madlib-Bandana(Rap)

Beast Coast-Escape From New York(Rap)

Styles P-S.P. the GOAT: Ghost of All Time(Rap)

Shlomo- The End(Electronic)

Avey Tare- Cows On Hourglass(Electronic)

Skinny Girl Diet- Ideal Woman(Punk)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jilotRrvtsQ

Dreamville- Revenge of the Dreamers III(Rap)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57ZNBRzhTv8

[popmusicu]

I invite you to give another shot to the Disney Brothers - The New Album, Happiness Begins

Hi my dear classmates!

In this post I’m going to be introducing you to my favorite -and the latest- album by the Jonas Brothers: Happiness Begins. This is the first album they recorded after their comeback, and it was everything I ever hoped (and all the other fans I know have the same opinion). I’ve been a fan of the brothers since I was eight years old, when I was just a little girl watching Disney Channel. The first song I ever listened was “Kids of the Future” (it was a cover) and I fell in love. Without further ado, let’s talk about the album.

This is the fifth studio album by my beloved brothers, and it was released on June 7, 2019, by Republic Records. While everyone thinks it’s some sort of R&B, reggae fusion or something, I believe it’s 100% Pop. The sound is completely different from their previous albums that sticked to -or tried- pop-rock or pop-punk, this one is a bit on the “dancey” side and it has a similar sound to Joe Jonas’s band, DNCE, and the solo albums by Nick Jonas. I love this album because it has an intimate sound and I feel like they really enjoyed making it and they had fun with it, going back to basics of just being brothers having fun and making music together. It’s like they fell in love with each other’s company again, celebrating life, love, and music as a family. They were again, the three charming, charismatic, and lovable man that I fell for at my teenage years.

Okay, I’ll stop rambling and I’ll go down to business. 

1. Sucker

This was their comeback song. It was the single that made us say: OMG. How the tables have turned. They’re back at it again. And oh- A new album. *cries*

This song overwhelms me with emotion and energy. It’s one of my favorites. Also, it makes my body involuntarily move and get up to dance. The rhythm is AMAZING, and it is SO catchy it’ll get stuck in your head for days. To be honest, it doesn’t have a lot of “content” or great storytelling like Taylor Swift’s albums, but it’s so good to just jump in your room and let go. Also, the video is so fun because it is just them having fun with their wives in a deserted mansion. Sophie Turner, Priyanka Chopra, and Danielle Jonas >>> everything.

2. Cool

This one it’s not a fan favorite and neither a favorite of mine, but it’s nice to just lay back and chill in your room. I feel like it’s a summer song, that you can listen to while eating (or drinking?) ice cream and your room while the fan is on. Also, it has a lot of great references to Post Malone and to Game of Thrones. It sounds really pop but also has a calm ring to it, I don’t know how to describe it. You have to listen to it to know what I mean. The music video is also really fun because they’re having a concert in a beach to elderly people. It includes Nick Jonas buried in the sun in some sort of SpongeBob style so that’s also a plus.  

3. Only Human

THIS ONE IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES, oh my. This one really makes me all wired up and makes me want to go to a club with my friends and dance all night. It has some sort of reggae vibes with the trumpets on the background. The synthetic keyboard reminds me of songs like “Take on Me” by a-Ha, you know what I mean? Like 80’-90’ songs that sound like computer-y. Also, before the chorus it says, “so come on and dance, dance, DANCE” and I feel like I’m obligated to jump around and make a mess. The video is just them performing this song live and having fun but, I have to say it, they look SO HANDSOME.

4. I Believe

We got to the fourth song of the album. This one is calmer and chill, but with a great beat. I’m going to tell you more about the background: it was written by the younger brother, Nick, and it’s dedicated to his wife, Priyanka Chopra. He said that it was like a love letter to her, stating in the song “cause you showed me something I can’t live without, I believe”. This song is amazing for when you want to feel in love and in the clouds, like you’re floating in an ocean of good wishes and love letters. I really like this song; it brings nice memories to me and I feel like it has really cute lyrics.

5. Used to Be

This is not one of my favorites, but it holds a special place in my heart because I think it has a lot of emotions in it. I read somewhere that it was written to Demi Lovato, implying that they missed the person she was before, and reminiscing to old memories with her. It’s also a lot calmer than the first two songs, which made me realize they started with songs to dance and really upbeat, but as we progress it gets a lot more peaceful and quieter. I really like this song, when I listen to it, I like to imagine I’m on a road trip, remembering old friends and old loves, thinking what could have been but it couldn’t be. It’s a nice experience. If you listen to the album, I recommend you imagine the same when you get to this song.

6. Every Single Time

Ok. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this song. I feel like it’s reaaaally different from what I’m used to with the brothers, so I think that’s why I can’t enjoy it as much as the other songs, but I think it’s really good too. It has, again, that sort of soft reggae sound mixed with pop, and a lot of repetition of lyrics, which makes it really catchy. With this song I feel like I’m in a beach party, just dancing by myself and getting my feet wet with the ocean water. I’m describing feelings with the songs because I think it’s more personal, and I can transmit to you the way it makes me feel and can make you feel. Also, it didn’t have a lot of hype in the fandom for the same reason I mentioned before, but maybe, if you haven’t listened to the Jonas Brothers before, you can enjoy it, because it has a smooth and soft rhythm that makes it really nice to listen to.

7. Don’t Throw it Away

Yay, we’ve made it to the half of the album. I’m already dancing in my seat while writing this. I CAN’T HELP IT I really like this song. This one it’s more upbeat like the first songs, but it’s also about some sort of lost love, the one that could have been but unfortunately, can’t be. It’s like screaming to the other person that’s leaving; this thing we have, don’t throw it away, don’t forget about me, we can work this out. I know, it sounds a little tragic, but the rhythm, the beats in the background and their voices is just *chef kiss*.

8. Love Her

This one is about -you guessed it- love. At first, I didn’t like it, but the more I listened to it, the more I liked it. It makes you feel like you’re in a warm embrace with someone you love and feel comfortable with. This one’s a lot more acoustic and it reminds me of the older albums, so it makes me feel nostalgic and makes me want to cry a little, just because I think of the old times when I was just a teenager in love with Joe Jonas. The instrumental consists in sounds like snaps of the fingers and some guitar picking, and the angelic voice of Nick Jonas is a really nice complement. It’s about unconditional love and finding the so acclaimed “the one”. I really like it, it’s really sweet and, in contrast with the previous songs, I feel like it’s more autumn-y.

9. Happy When I’m Sad

We’re back at the upbeat songs and really energic instrumentals, with some guitar, bass, and drums. I feel like this song is some sort of “fuck you” to the paparazzi and the media. It’s about other people assuming how you feel and how you are doing based in what you show to the world, and like “the other side” of being a celebrity. I don’t know, maybe I’m reading too much into it. I really like to listen to it when I’m feeling kind of ~edgy~ and submerging in teen angst because ugh, no one knows how I really feel, but also improves my mood, so it’s kind of weird, but I enjoy it a lot.

10. Trust

I LOVE THIS SONG. I think it has some sort of sexy undertone, starting with some electric guitar and the phrase “I don’t trust myself when I’m around you”. Like GURRRL you are dangerous, get away from me because, how the lyrics say, “you are bad for my health”. It’s like you are so attracted to this person that you can’t control how you act around them (obviously, with consent, folks). Maybe I’m getting too personal here, but I believe it makes a GREAT stripping song. I also really like it because in their previous albums they weren’t allowed to talk about sex or even make a suggestive lyric because of their contract with Disney, so I feel like they’re exploring something they couldn’t before and really enjoying it. If you want to feel sexy and seductive, I recommend you listen to this song.

11. Strangers

I like this song because when I think of it, it comes to my head the “STRANGEEERS” they shout in the chorus. We’re back at the drums and synthetic sound, but I don’t think it’s a song to dance like a maniac, I feel like it’s a song to think and reflect about the people that were really close to you in some era of your life but, because of different reasons, aren’t anymore, and they just became another stranger. It’s good to reminiscing old times, crying a bit if you just went through a breakup, or just chill in your room staring into space. It has a nice calm rhythm on the verses and it just sorts of explodes on the chorus, so it’s really fun to listen.

12. Hesitate

Okay, it’s time to cry people. This song. THIS SONG. I’m crying while I’m writing this. I’m going to give you some background again. This song was written by Joe Jonas for her wife and mother of his child, the wonderful actress Sophie Turner. It was inspired because she was going through depression and this song was to show her that he will always be with her, accompanying her through the worst times, and they will make it out of this together. It’s a really emotional song with some peaceful instrumentals, some drums and I can hear a bit of piano. This song is absolutely beautiful, and it has so beautiful writing, you can feel the emotion while you listen to it and it sounds like Joe will burst into tears in any minute of the song. My favorite lyrics are “I thank the oceans for giving me you. You saved me once and now I’ll saved you too. I won’t hesitate for you”. I think it shows how couples support and love each other, regarding their flaws or the obstacles they face as a couple or as individuals, so it’s really, really beautiful. You will love this, I’m sure.

13. Rollercoaster

This is my favorite song of the album. It’s the one they used to promote their comeback documental “Chasing Happiness” and it was teased at the trailer. I remember listening to it for the first time and feeling like I’m in a dream because my babies were back (sorry, bit of a fangirl moment here). It reminds me of the old albums like “Lines, Vines and Trying Times”. I feel like it’s so cheerful but emotional at the same time and it makes you feel hopeful, like everything’s going to pass and it’ll all be okay again. I listen to this song when I need to feel better while I’m going through a rough patch in my life or when I just feel sad and it really helps. The sound is a bit more pop-rock, but it also has some synthetic sounds that make it sound nostalgic. I feel like it’s them realizing they can have a good time with music again and trying to save the happy and shining moments of their success. I LOVE IT.

14. Comeback

This is the last song of the official album and I feel like it’s perfect closure. It also has that old Jonas Brothers vibe, on the pop-rock side with an amazing beat, marked by the drums. I don’t know where I read that it was made for the fans and it completely makes sense to me. Like it’s them saying “hey, I’m back, and I hope you’re back with us too”. It’s a really hopeful song that can be also translated to other moments of life, like trying to get back with an old love or re encountering with an old friend. I think the lyrics are gorgeous and I feel they were trying to get the trust of the fans back when they say “Baby, if you stay then I won’t let you down (…) Baby, if you come back now, I’ll come back to you”.

Well, that was my review and invitation for you to listen to this amazing album that maybe isn’t the best pop album of the decade, but it can cheer you up, make you dance a little and reflect on different moments of your life. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I do.

Love, Lisbeth Suárez. 

[factorfriction-blog1]

From the Archives: Trump’s 1990 Vanity Fair Spread

If you want to read something absolutely chilling today check out this Vanity Fair piece about Donald Trump (and his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Ivana) written by Marie Brenner in 1990. If you want to skip a few of the chills, I've broken down some of the key things I took away from the article, chiefly, that Trump was clearly as unfit to be president in 1990 as he is now.

The article opens in Mar-a-Lago, Trump’s private Palm Beach club, which he still frequents as President (for about $3.6 million in taxpayer’s money each time). This scene actually takes place four years before the article was published, in 1986, and it’s here I got the first set of chills from one of Brenner’s observations. Trump, it seems, styles himself as a King: 

Donald and Ivana Trump were seated at opposite ends of their long Sheraton [...] posed in imperial style, as if they were a king and queen.

Now, Trump is still a private citizen here so he can style himself however he wants, but the American President is not a King and should never think of himself as such. This is just the observation of a reporter, harmless perhaps, but later in the article we hear the word “king” from Trump himself when he tells Brenner directly “I want to be king of cash.” 

Trump is about to be at the bottom of a pile of debt and in the few years following this statement will declare bankruptcy on four of his properties in the next two years.  Wanting to be king of anything could be called ambitious, but when you already have multiple homes and millions of dollars while failing to pay your contractors and employees a living wage or at all, I think it’s safe to say a statement like this shows less ambition and more crippling greed.

Trump now leads the United States as our president (*shudder*). Except there is plenty of evidence to show he still thinks of himself as a King. I can think of a few pretty big examples of Trump confusing our government for a monarchy without even googling. 

He practices nepotism in a way usually seen in corrupt countries and previously unheard of within our “democracy” by appointing his children and other family members to important positions. He’s making his family members more powerful without them having to go through any of the usual routes or even proving that they have basic qualifications. This isn’t an accident; Trump even admitted “I like nepotism” to Larry King in 2006. 

Trump thinks he (and his administration) is above the law, like a King, not subject to it, like, say, an elected official. I mean, for one, he’s stretching the limits of our countries anti-nepotism laws. Remember all those conflicts of interest that seemed to be a big deal at the beginning of Trump’s presidency? Well, technically that law applies to all executive branch employees besides the President and VP. This doesn’t stop his various conflicts of interest from being deeply unethical nor does it stop him from appointing employees and advisers (including his own children) who also have startling conflicts of interest which, in their cases, is illegal. Trump has attempted to obstruct FBI investigations. There are also potential issues of the administration and Trump himself keeping what should be public information from American citizens.

Plus let’s not forget that he’s spending millions in tax dollars on personal vacations (including 12 in his first 35 weeks, costing tax the country $32 million), and on separate housing for his wife and son (which, while occurring cost $1 million a day). For contrast, Obama’s vacations cost tax payers just $12 million per year in office. One could say that Trump is “living like a King” on the backs of his citizens, skirting work and responsibly to vacation in Palm Beach during times of crisis. 

Sorry, I could go on, but let’s get back to the article. I’ve heard a lot of people say that there are things Trump has said and acted on that “no one” could have predicted. Obviously, his voters were suckered in by lofty speeches and red hats and really can’t be held responsible for accidentally electing a white supremacist. However, some of these supposedly unpredictable things are hinted at in this article from 27 years before any of these issues apparently came to light.

Let’s take a look at these two sentences only a few paragraphs into the Vanity Fair piece:

Trump was seen on the news shows offering his services to negotiate with the Russians. There was talk that he might make a run for president.

OK, so, Trump, currently 40 years old and styling himself a King while running parts of the business his father built into bankruptcy, is already thinking about the presidency (also if you remember, becoming “King of Cash”). So I think it’s pretty safe to judge him on character right now; someone thinking of running for president should be conscious enough with his actions and words to be judged on them. 

Also of note is how he’s offering to negotiate with the Russians, interesting for someone who’s election is being investigated for Russian interference about 30 years later. Since that investigation is ongoing and inconclusive (when it comes to Trump himself, officials have already determined that there was in fact Russian interference in the 2016 US election) I’m going to leave my comments on this at “too interesting to ignore.”

Another cloud hanging over Trump’s presidency are the numerous accusations of white supremacy. Let’s say that you somehow missed (or more likely willfully ignored) all the evidence of white supremacy present during Trump’s campaign, and have somehow made it to this point without realizing that he is a racist. He’s called Mexicans r*pists and fought against #BlackLivesMatter (both before getting elected) among other racist atrocities. However, people argue, it’s not like he’s a Nazi! (Although many of his supporters are).

But what if Trump was a fan of Hitler himself? Brenner’s article contains evidence of this, buried about halfway down, which I found odd for a detail as cold and chilling as this: 

Ivana Trump told her lawyer Michael Kennedy that from time to time her husband reads a book of Hitler’s collected speeches, My New Order, which he keeps in a cabinet by his bed.

The future president of the United States keeps a copy of Hitler’s speeches by his bed (let’s not forget how big his houses are and how many other places he could keep this particular book). That seems ... wrong.

When Brenner asks Trump about this, he appears uncomfortable, asking “Who told you that?” and then outright lying about how he came to own writing by Hitler, saying: 

“Actually, it was my friend Marty Davis from Paramount who gave me a copy of Mein Kampf, and he’s a Jew.”

According to Marty Davis himself however:

“[It] was My New Order, Hitler’s speeches, not Mein Kampf. I thought he would find it interesting. I am his friend, but I’m not Jewish.”

So we see a lot of shiftiness from Trump in regards to Hitler’s work and how he came to own it, when speaking to Brenner at least. He seems a little less evasive when Hitler came up among family members. When John Walter visits his cousin, Donald Trump, he greats him in a rather atrocious way: 

[W]hen he visits Donald in his office, Ivana told a friend, he clicks his heels and says, “Heil Hitler,” possibly as a family joke.

As a family joke. I’m sorry. Who’s family’s idea of a joke is calling a family member Hitler? Is there any way in which to say “Heil Hitler” that makes it a fun and lighthearted joke? Is this not a glaring red flag that back in 1990 Trump, future United States President, at least somewhat revered Adolf Hitler, possibly the most infamous mass-murderer and war criminal in history?

I’m going with “just Trump’s family”, “no”, and “disturbingly, yes.”

Even if this is not direct evidence of Trump’s racism, Trump’s affinity for history’s most notorious white supremacist should not be overlooked. Anyone who can see this and Trump’s racist behavior in his campaign and presidency, and not see a white supremacist is in denial. Trump himself may even be in denial, but that does not stop his white nationalism from existing and effecting the policies he enacts, the people he hires, and the nation he leads. 

If Trump voters didn’t research their candidate that is their fault and they don’t get a free pass for not predicting the open racism he brought. His racism was there for all to see (possibly as far back as 1990), whether or not they chose to pay attention to it. 

Brenner offers (perhaps too sympathetically) another explanation for why Trump may have had an interest in Hitler and his speeches, which does not really set the mind at ease:

“Hitler’s speeches, from his earliest days up through the Phony War of 1939, reveal his extraordinary ability as a master propagandist [...] Perhaps his possession of Hitler’s speeches merely indicates an interest in Hitler’s genius at propaganda.”

So the future president of the United States isn’t interested in Hitler himself, he’s just interested in Hitler’s propaganda. That should put your mind at ease. I can only speak for myself here, but that does not, in fact, put my mind at ease.

Trump as president has turned out to be a propaganda machine. If only we could have predicted this... Oh wait! This Vanity Fair reporter did, back in 1990 (and that was the good option she came up with). If you’re unfamiliar with anything Trump and his administration says or are unfamiliar with the real world (or both), here are some examples of Trump’s propaganda at work:

Trump likes to draw false equivalencies which push the spotlight off of his misgivings and onto other people. He’ll often tweet about other people and problems to shift public scrutiny off of himself. His close associates have also been known to dodge direct questions by pointing at unrelated conflicts. This is in fact an old Russian propaganda tool.

Trump is guilty of gas-lighting America. He tries to create a false narrative around himself and critics of himself. He calls the media “fake” and critics “crazy”. You can’t believe anyone who disagrees with Trump and his message because they are the liars, he insists, not him. When the CIA concluded that Russia had meddled in the US election, Trump even sought to undermine public trust in the CIA by pointing out a previous mistake of theirs. Let’s not forget the term “alternative facts” used by his administration to cover up their lies.

Trump has media on his side, telling his version of the world; this is the real fake media. Sites like Breitbart who’s executive Steve Bannon served in the Trump administration and who are known to publish conspiracy theories as fact and purposefully misleading articles aid Trump’s propaganda goals. Though not directly related to Trump (as far as we know), he also benefited from many Russia-based propaganda sites publishing false and misleading information in support of Trump and defaming Hillary Clinton during the 2016 election.

Lastly, Trump thinks that if he repeats a lie enough, people will believe it. Recall how often he repeated how big his victory was (it wasn’t very big, in fact it was one of the smallest in American history and he lost the popular vote by more than any other president) and how large the crowd at his inauguration was (also not very big). 

I’m going to keep talking about this last point some because Brenner talks about it, way back in 1990: 

“Donald is a believer in the big-lie theory,” his lawyer had told me. “If you say something again and again, people will believe you.”

That’s not a good look for a future president. If only we could have seen that coming. I am looking right into the camera now. Not only is Trump lying to the people who elected him again and again and again, but he is fully aware of what he is doing. He is attempting to manipulate the country he is supposed to lead and protect. Don’t let him.

There is also evidence of his gas-lighting in this decades old piece, but Brenner does not call it that

Trump is often belligerent, as if to pep things up. On the telephone with me, he attacked a local writer as “a disgrace” 

Even then, and to a reporter no less, Trump is attacking the media. Just before this in the article he claimed that a Forbes writer who claimed that “Merv kicked my ass!” (these are Trump’s words and the ass is his, *shudder*) was now under investigation. The Forbes reporter being investigated was under scrutiny for completely unrelated issues and Brenner found no evidence it was even the same writer. There Trump goes, trying to make mainstream media seem untrustworthy. In 1990.

Like all reporters who are truthful about Trump’s unpleasantness, Brenner predicted that “the next dozen people he spoke to would probably be subjected to a catalogue of my transgressions as imagined by Donald Trump" just as she was subjected to Trump’s defamation of the last several.

There is plenty of other evidence here that Trump has not changed much in the last 30 years, and that, as he was then, he is still unfit to be president. In this article he’s already attacking women on the basis of their looks (as I’m sure he’d been doing for many years previous to 1990). He calls one woman a “a giant, a three in the looks department” as if this matters to hers or her husband’s credentials. He is already underpaying employees and contractors who were “desperate, unsure that they would ever get paid for months of work.” He practices deception, telling architects and other employees “Give them the old Trump bullshit” where ‘them’ here is the press and the ‘bullshit’ is outright lies about the projects Trump is constructing. 

Marie Brenner had reported on Trump years before this piece and she knows him better than the average American. Therefore I’m willing to trust her judgement of the future president far more than the people who voted for and elected him. So let’s take a look at some of the other descriptions she provides in 1990 of the man who will become president:

Fred Trump, like his son [Donald], has never resisted exaggeration.

He became forceful [as a child], and grew even closer to his father. 

Trump is often belligerent.

Trump soon became known for his confrontational style.

Trump’s negotiations [...] were always unusually unpleasant

Trump’s lawyers began to talk about “Donald’s ego” as if it were a separate entity.

[H]e wanted the guests to see him, perhaps to confirm his powers.

The tactics he used in business he now brought home.

Trump [was allowed] to exist in a universe where all reality had vanished.

Besides these impressions we can also look at the opinions of those even closer to Trump. Brenner writes of things said to Ivana about her then-husband by other close family members:

“How can you say you love us? You don’t love us! You don’t even love yourself. You just love your money,” twelve-year-old Donald junior told his father, according to friends of Ivana’s. “What kind of son have I created?” Trump’s mother, Mary, is said to have asked Ivana. 

This man becomes president, and the only way I can imagine that happening is that people did not pay enough attention, people did not research the man they were voting for. If they had they would have seen a serial liar, a misogynist, a manipulator, a narcissist, a conman, a man who cares more for money than people. All these things were apparent in 1990, and remain apparent today. People have had over 25 years to evaluate Trump truthfully, and nearly half of this country still has not taken that chance. Or maybe they did see these things, and then voted for him anyway.

[pixie-daydream]

i haven’t ranted in a while but BOYS ARE FUCKING ANNOYING and i just need to rant okay

first of all i feel like we need some backstory in case anyone actually reads this. this is gonna be long as fuck but I’M REALLY IRRITATED EVEN A YEAR LATER so i just need a place to let it loose so i’m not reeling over it in my head. a year ago at the end of my senior year of college i befriended two guys, one of which i had a mutual crush on, the other i saw strictly as a friend. all three of us were friends. it was cool. it was fun, they were funny, we became friends in such a short amount of time but got so close so fast. the three of us hung out a few times in person and also had a groupchat going, whatever. me and my crush started talking just us and that’s a whole different story but yknow, that whole thing happened and we started liking eachother more and more, it was getting pretty deep, we’d facetime-sleepover a few times, blah blah blah, met up to hang out/whatever you wanna call it, it was cute, it was magical, it was a great time, it didn’t end up working out, but it’s an important part of this story. so that’s just some backstory. so while me and my crush are crushing on eachother, me and our friend are also talking outside of the groupchat... basically they both started talking to me on the side and the groupchat died. interesting. but anyways... MY FRIEND is joking around calling me his wife bc he gave me this fake ass plastic ring at a party and clearly i thought it was just a joke. it’s something i’d joke around about, like “haha you gave me a ring, we’re married obvz”... i didn’t really think anything of it cus it really wasn’t that deep. so i THOUGHT that was all just a joke between friends but then he started getting deep with it and telling me i’m such a beautiful person and any guy would kill and be lucky to have a girl like me and all this other shit, how he wanted to be with me forever and it would be us together forever and he’d die a better man having known me... all this weird shit. now DUMB ASS ME being the insecure person that i am honestly just thought he was being nice like i didn’t think he was being serious i thought he was just being a nice friend and saying something nice to another friend but in the back of my mind i was like “oh shit what if he likes me” cus yknow, you never know. but like i said i was insecure as fuck and my confidence level was so low it was almost nonexistent so i was like yeah he prob doesn’t like me, i didn’t even think my crush liked me back at that point but ANYWAYS i digress....... sooner or later my friend starts getting weirdly jealous of literally anyone i hung out with, guy friends, girl friends, it didn’t matter he was just mad that i hung out with other people solo and only hung out with him in a group setting. so i was like wtf chill out it’s just convenient for me to hang w other people bc they’re close by whereas he lived way further away and ALSO, i knew him for less amount of time so for me w the social anxiety in MOST instances it takes me a while to get comfortable w someone on that level to hang out just us two, but he never understood that.... anyways...... he found out me and my crush facetimed and again got weirdly jealous, and was like ‘clearly u like him better than me bc we never facetime’ which 1st of all HE NEVER ASKED ME TO FT HIM, second of all he has a fucking android so 4+5=48 wtf how were we supposed to facetime u fucking moron. but clearly my crush told him we facetimed cus nobody else knew at the time, so clearly the two of them were talking about me. and my friend was asking if i had a crush on him, which at the time i didn’t really wanna say bc i wasn’t sure if my crush liked me back and i didn’t want it getting back to him so i just played it coy.... but it was obvious i had a crush on the kid so my friend could really just do the math. but my friend was being so weird about it pulling the “marriage” card saying if we’re married why am i cheating on him AND HONESTLY ONCE AGAIN I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST JOKING AROUND yet at the same time he was really accusing me over absolutely nothing and i was like oh shit is he actually mad........ and then eventually he’s like “chill it’s just a joke” but he would consistently say “whoever makes you happy even if i dont understand why you like him” and shit like that. anyways, he knew i had a crush on the guy and he knew the guy had a crush on me, from the inception of his crush on me apparently, and said MOST of their conversations were about me. everyone thought the two of them were like bffed out, yet apparently most of their convos were about me... ok.... anyway. point being, he knew how much we liked eachother. fast forward a couple months, over the course of the summer me and my friend were still friends, we’d hang out like once a week in a big group of people but we were always fighting. it was like fighting between siblings kinda that’s what it reminded me of but would play it off as a joke, but he’d still pull the husband/wife joke thing and i’d go along with it cus again i’m an idiot and even tho it was starting to get weird i didn’t wanna look like i was taking it seriously since most of the shit he said was a joke anyway. for example, around this time i was starting to sense something odd going on with my crush... eventually things were starting to fizzle out which was devastating to me but again that’s a whole different story i don’t really need to get into. i mentioned to my friend how i was kinda worried i was gonna lose some people in my life, bc if i pick up on the slightest thing that’s off i go into panic mode, and my friend was like ‘so screw everyone else. it’s just me and you. and since i’m your husband you should let me take you out on a date.’ and i was like ????? wtf........ i dont wanna go on a fucking date with you. i was like ‘i mean, we can hang out’ and he goes ‘so date?’ and i was  like ‘no...’ and he’s like ‘why not??? why wont you let me take you out??? i thought we were best friends. best friends can’t go out together and hang out?” LIKE. LITERALLY. THIS IS WHAT HE WAS SAYING. and i said i’d hang with him but he always would try and turn it into a date and he goes “chill, do you actually think i’d take you out on a romantic date? i’m not about that life.” ??????????? alright, s you’re just joking then? EVEN THOUGH YOU CONSTANTLY BRING UP WEIRD SHIT IN A ROMANTIC WAY ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME. it’s just a joke tho. alright. so anyway, the day after this happens, my crush mentioned my friend wanted us all to go to the beach or something, so clearly they were speaking to eachother at that point. and then my friend texted me at the same time asking if me and my crush were an item yet..... and at that point i still never outright admitted i liked him so i was panicking bc i knew they were talking about me and i was like why the fuck is he asking me this........... anyway i said no and my friend said he was gonna “hook it up” and tell him to ask me out to which i said WHY because I DON’T WANT/NEED OTHER PEOPLE MEDDLING IN MY LIFE WITHOUT ME ASKING. just a side note i’ve never been in a relationship i’m VERY new to someone even having actual reciprocated feelings for me and i really really REALLY REALLY liked my crush a lot... like i adored him and definitely could have fallen for him truly but i did not want anything to mess it up, just wanted to let it evolve naturally and let it keep progressing slowly bc i was terrified to lose him and i especially didn’t want this fucking idiot to talk to him for me since i was starting to get sufficiently creeped out by him. so his response was “bc you’d say yes” and i just didn’t respond bc i was so annoyed at that point AND THE FUCKER HAD THE NERVE 3 HOURS LATER TO SAY “why didn’t you text me back? that’s not what best friends do...” tHaT’s NoT wHaT bEsT fRiEnDs Do ??? WHAT KIND OF FUCKING CHILDISH BULLSHIT IS THAT? keep in mind this fucker is like 25 years old yet he pulls cards like that... WTF. anyway. i find it very odd how after that conversation, things with me and my crush started to fizzle out. very odd. i can’t fully blame it on my friend bc in the future i’d found out from my crush that he himself was just........ an idiot, i don’t really know what his issue was but he fucked up on his own.... HOWEVER, i definitely find it sus that my friend was saying he was gonna hook us up or w/e and then suddenly it turned to shit. interesting. ok. so things w my crush were getting weird, i was clearly upset by it and my friend picked up on it and attempted to reassure me that my crush loved me and was obsessed and wasn’t going anywhere, i even asked him if he said anything to him since YKNOW last time i checked, he said he was gonna talk to him about us, yet he claims he didn’t.... #surejan. but bottom line was my friend’s advice to me was “who cares” if my crush isn’t talking to me... when REALLY IT WAS MORE THAN A CRUSH AT THIS POINT, silly me knows now that boys are not to be trusted and just bc they say all this lovey dovey deep stuff to u and make it seem like they truly r falling for u, it might not be the case.... but at the time i really thought we loved n cared about eachother on a way deeper level than just crushing so I WAS OBVIOUSLY RLY UPSET, and for my friend to say to just get over it pissed me off to no end. ESPECIALLY BC HE LITERALLY SAID “i dont get why you like him when he’s nowhere near as interesting as i am.” HE REALLY SAID THAT. MY FRIEND. SAID THAT. AS IF THAT’S GONNA MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER. and i kept saying it’s not that simple i can’t just get over it or move on if he’s being weird and not talking to me as much... he was trying to tell me it was UNHEALTHY for me to be upset if he wasn’t responding to me (to be clear the point wasn’t that he wasn’t answering, it was that after talking nonstop every day all day and building that trust with eachother and being so sweet to eachother, he went from all that to just one word answers and barely talking. like clearly somehting was wrong and he wouldn’t tell me what it was which scared me, THAT is what was upsetting me. i can handle someone not responding. just fyi.) ,,,,,, so my friend would say that was unhealthy yet him getting mad at me and being jealous if i hung out with other people was totally normal??? ok. ALSO, A SIDE NOTE, i have ANOTHER friend, we’ll call him jim for now just so things don’t get confusing..... while all this stuff with my crush was going on, me, my friend, jim, and a few others were hanging out and food was involved so we were on line to get food and jim put some on my plate for me. really not a big deal....... i do that for people all the time and my friends do it for me like it really IS NOT THAT DEEP. YET MY FRIEND TEXTS ME THAT NIGHT SAYING ‘i need to talk to u........... i think u and jim are in a secret relationship or he’s in love with u bc he put food on ur plate for you and u just said thank you and moved on like it was nothing.’ LIKE. HE REALLY. FUCKING. SAID. THAT. !!!!. Guys. help. when i say i laughed for 15 minutes I REALLY WAS ROLLING. this guy was getting heated bc a friend put food on my plate for me. fast forward to my friend having a party, jim was there, a bunch of friends were there and we were drinking so we stayed overnight but everyone had left by morning and i was the only one there. so finally my friend gets to hang out w me one on one for a few hours. we were just shooting the shit, talking, watching tv. whatever. we also talked about my crush and once again my friend was saying to just get over it which pissed me off. i also ended up texting my crush that night bc it’d been a while and i was like freaking out over that, long story short i could tell he really was done with me so from that point on i decided if he wanted to talk to me he can come to me bc i was done looking like a fool and texting him getting 3 second responses and an attitude and making myself crazy and feeling disappointed over it. so not only was my crush no longer talking to me but my friend was also being short in his responses to me from that point as well. and i tried to just be normal about it and keep it lighthearted, talking as usual with the same stuff we always spoke about, but the conversation was like pulling teeth and i was like wtf??? like why is everyone being weird with me not wanting to talk to me? and my friend who knew i was upset over the crush thing was doing it to me as well.. so i was like okay then, guess i’m on my own. a few weeks later, about exactly a year ago, my friend texted me again asking what was up and stuff and asked me out of NOWHERE if i had talked to my crush lately. keep in mind, i literally never speak about my crush or bring him up on my own to my friend bc i know how jealous he gets, if we talk about him it’s bc someone else brought it up.... so i responded saying it’d been 2 weeks but who’s counting cus yknow, I WAS HURT. and my friend goes “well clearly you aren’t over it.” ..... NO SHIT SHERLOCK YOU FUCKING PENDEJO I FREAKING ADORED THE KID AND REALLY LIKE IDK LOVED HIM I GUESS OR WHATEVER, AND GOT SOMEWHERE WITH HIM I NEVER GOT WITH ANYONE LIKE I /NEVER/ FELT THAT WAY BEFORE ABOUT ANOTHER PERSON AND NEVER EXPERIENCED THOSE FEELINGS SO OBVIOUSLY. I WASN’T GONNA BE OVER IT. YOU STUPID FUCK. but anyways... i basically said that to him in nicer words lol and once again he was like get over it.... so i went to bed upset over it cus idek why he brought that up... also keep in mind, my friend and my crush no longer spoke to eachother either. they pretty much stopped talking when the two of them started talking to me one on one if that makes sense... they’d talk here and there but their ‘friendship’ ended when our friendships began. anyways. i woke up the next day and my friend texted me saying “I TALKED TO [insert crushes name here]” ....... EXCUSE ME YOU FUCKING CUNT BAG. WHEN THE HELL DID I ASK YOU TO TALK TO HIM???????? DID I EVER SAY “pls ask him what happened between us”...... NO. I REALLY DIDN’T. SO WHY. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT AND MEDDLE IN MY LIFE ONCE AGAIN? and my friend told me “I don’t need to get into details bc i don’t wanna hurt your feelings, but he said he did not like you anymore and said he was done.” yeah WAY TO SPARE MY FUCKING FEELINGS YOU COCKMOUTH. guys i cannot even begin to explain the emotions at that point i didn’t know whether to be heartbroken or infuriated or both but i was fucking upset let me tell you. i mean, it was pretty obvious my crush was done with me but this was somewhat of an actual confirmation bc at that point i still held out some bit of hope that he might try and talk to me again but clearly it wasn’t happening. so my friend goes “well at least now you know the truth” AS IF HE WAS DOING ME A FAVOR. and then i was really fucking sad and even more depressed than usual, and my friend seemed like he was annoyed with me for still being upset over it... first of all you assface, there’s no time period for how long someone is “allowed” to be sad over something and for ME ESPECIALLY, THE MOST EMOTIONAL PERSON ON EARTH, two weeks is definitely not long enough for me to be sad so you can shut up. but anyway, after that, we really didn’t talk much until the end of that month. i hadn’t heard from my crush either until one day he liked a few of my pictures... i also noticed he and my friend were interacting on social media as well, and that night my friend messaged me for the first time in a while saying he was going to visit our old school and asked if i wanted to come say hi to everyone. he also invited jim. interesting considering they hated eachother but anyway. i found it a BIT peculiar that this was all happening at once but i hadn’t seen my friends in a while so i went, and he “casually” mentioned that “[crush]” wanted to meet up with him so we were meeting up with him or whatever. at this point i was like WTFWTFWTF even tho i had a feeling that was what was gonna happen anyway. but i was really taken aback, cus like, my friend knew how i felt about the situation and how upset i was and i was shocked he didn’t even ask me about it first, but i didnt have much of a choice at this point so... we met up with him and it was so fucking awkward bc he really was gonna pretend like NONE OF WHAT WE HAD OR DID OR SAID OVER THE SUMMER EVER EVEN HAPPENED, and he was being so quiet... i just carried on being normal myself masking the fact that i was having major internal anxiety but if he was gonna act like nothing happened so was i. we met up with our other friends and it was fun, my crush barely spoke to me and my friend also barely spoke to me, they pretty much spoke to eachother the whole time and when i tried to interject or contribute to the convo they’d basically ignore me or just go ‘haha......’ or some shit. so i was really like ???? WHY DID MY FRIEND EVEN INVITE ME IF HE WAS JUST GONNA KNOWINGLY PUT ME INTO A REALLY AWKWARD SITUATION AND NOT EVEN TALK TO ME ALMOST THE WHOLE TIME. and then that night, where i feel like he’d usually have texted me to ask how i felt about the whole situation, he didn’t say shit. THE NEXT DAY THO, MY CRUSH STARTED SNAPCHATTING ME AGAIN and basically was really drunk and trying to get me back, gave me this whole sob story of how he fucked up and as much as i wanted him back obviously knew he prob didn’t mean it... but anyway, the fact that he tried that after seeing me in person and not even talking to me was just weird but i had a feeling he and my friend kinda talked about getting me to see him that day like i feel like it was a premeditated plan. anyways. things w my crush stayed quiet from that point on and so did things w my friend until ANOTHER month later when i sent my friend something that reminded me of him, he was like ‘can we be friends again?’ and i was like yeah we’re not nOT friends....... he was the one who wasn’t rly talking to me anyway so whatever. but we were texting AND WHILE WE WERE TEXTING, I GET A SNAPCHAT FROM NONE OTHER THAN MY CRUSH. i was super fucking confused since i hadnt heard from him since the last time he messaged me and also a little weirded out how they both pop back into my life at tthe same time..... but anyways, just to tie up the crush story, this is when i found out my crush initially stopped talking to me bc he felt like it wasn’t going anywhere (which is bullshit but ok, he clearly just wanted to bang me but i didnt wanna do that without being completely sure that he wasnt gonna just hit it n quit it.... so he quit it before he could even hit it i guess) and claimed we were ‘just talking’ and it ‘never amounted to anything’ which is also bs to me bc it was WAY deeper than just talking so if he wants to pretend like it wasnt that deep he’s an idiot bc he was the one making it deep. but anyways. that’s just a SHORT version of the end of that story (i was devastated i guess i consider that my first real true heartbreak and it took me SO long to finally be okay but y’all don’t worry bc I’M OKAY NOW and i’m happy. i lowkey still miss it sometimes but i’m happy now n he’s happy so like whatever. we’re cool)..... but anyways i feel like i should just wrap that story up before i get to the rest of the whole shit with my friend lol ANYWAYS ........   me and my friend weren’t really talking anymore after that, it’d pretty much be social media liking or comments but that was about it. he would message me every now and again tho to be like ‘why haven’t we talked’ and stuff like that, or if he said he missed me i’d be like ‘i miss you too’ and he’d be like ‘no you don’t.......’ and try to make ME feel guilty for no reason. and for real, our friendship was fun a lot of the time. i did miss it and i missed him too. he was a funny dude and we had a lot of common interests but most of the time i felt like i was doing something wrong or he was constantly trying to make me admit to him that he was my favorite, that i liked him the best, and was just generally possessive and obsessive and weird about it, so why keep that going especially when we had our own lives and shit. come january he wished me a happy new year and when i responded a day later (i didn’t have service) he was like “yeah, we’re not friends anymore....” ??? so wtf ????? i was like ??? he didn’t reply until like a week later saying ‘hey’ bitch what i thought we weren’t friends anymore so wtf. and the thing with me is, if you’re my friend you’re always my friend, i’ll always care even if we haven’t spoken in a while but i’ll always consider you a friend. yet this guy thinks that’s not true if we don’t talk 24/7 apparently. he’d constantly tell me ‘that’s not what real friends do...’ and that type of BS, make ME feel like a shitty friend, yet still hit me up and say hey???? but it was a vicious cycle of him saying hey, me replying thinking maybe it’ll be different and then him just going right back to saying we’re not friends. and that shit was exhausting to me. he’d text me a few times asking if i wanted to work on a movie project with him (he’s in film and i’m an actress) but i was busy with other shit and he wouldn’t take no for an answer but eventually again we stopped talking. so april rolls around and he messages me again. he’s probably jealous cus i was back with all our group of friends again including my crush, and we were all having a good time putting on a musical (i went back to help direct the show after graduating) and my friend clearly has major fomo. but he messaged me on FB asking if he could text me cus he missed me, and yknow THE POLITE THING IS TO JUST SAY I MISS HIM TOO so i said that and he goes ‘no you don’t, but okay...’ and proceeds to text me. WHY BOTHER TEXTING ME IF U THINK I DON’T MISS YOU THEN? jesus fucking christ. so he texts me and i jokingly said it was will smith (don’t ask.... it’s an inside joke and to try and keep it lighthearted i brought it up thinking he’d joke around cus yknow... EVERYTHING IS ‘JUST A JOKE’ TO HIM) and then goes ‘oh i thought i was talking to the girl of my dreams.’ there he goes again bringing it up how much he’s in love with me, he even told me he has dreams of me all the time and was wondering if i had dreams of him too... i was clearly weirded out at this point and just responded sarcastically because WTF. and then he gets mad like “i’m done. i don’t wanna play games anymore but everything is a joke with you ( !!!! are u fucking kidding me my guy), i really do think about you all the time and miss our friendship but you don’t need me anymore, i dream about you all the time, i miss what we had, i’m really sorry.” ????????????????? BITCH. WHAT. THE FLYING. MOTHER FUCKING. FUCK. !!! ???! !!?! !??!?!?!?! he really wanted to accuse ME of playing games all the time? like are u serious..... EVERYTHING’S A JOKE TO ME??? BC EVERY TIME I ASK U IF UR BEING SERIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING UR THE ONE WHO SAYS IT’S JUST A JOKE. i obviously went off on him at that point bc what the fuck ! ur the one who constantly tells me i’m a bad friend yet u still try and talk to me, if i’m such a bad friend then leave me alone! u constantly put me in awkward uncomfy situations that i put up with bc i thought you’d say i was a shitty friend if i didn’t, ur the ONE THAT’S A SHITTY FRIEND. after that we didn’t talk for about a month til his birthday when i texted him cus what’s the big deal, he wished me luck on the musical. casual. whatever. fine. then after that he started texting me again but i would just ignore it bc i really did not want to deal with that shit again, also i thought he was done with me. eventually i caved and said hi back cus i mean, i felt like a bitch ignoring him and eventually he was like ‘we should hang.....’ and i knew were the convo was gonna go so i’ll admit it. i ghosted. which is something i HATE having done to me and i hate doing it to others but why would i put myself through this bullshit again? this was in june or july. it’s september now and for about a month he would text me EVERY TWO WEEKS saying ‘steph?’ or ‘???’ or “hello...” bro TAKE THE FUCKING HINT. I DON’T WANNA TALK TO YOU. he texted me for the first time in a while yesterday and again i didn’t respond... so he messaged me on FB saying “why won’t you talk to me and text me back?” OH. SO SOMEONE YOU REALLY LIKED AND CARED ABOUT ISN’T TEXTING YOU, YOU SAY? JUST GET OVER IT! MOVE ON! IS IT REALLY A BIG DEAL? NOT SO SIMPLE IS IT WHEN YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE RIGHT? Right exactly, karma is a fucking bitch I hope you know how it feels now you fucking asshole. i am NEVER one for revenge and i’m not even doing this to be spiteful because really, the reason i’m not texting back is because he is a manipulative, jealous, obsessed and possessive fucking child, but it’s pretty funny how when i was dealing with someone not talking to me, he told me to just get over it and move on. yet there are dozens of ignored messages from him on my phone, where he CLEARLY isn’t over me not talking to him. maybe i owe him an explanation, sure, but why the fuck should i? just to be yelled at by someone who i really don’t want anything to do with anymore? yeah no thanks. it’s just amazing to me how he can still be so fucking obsessed all this time later. at least when someone is obviously done with me i back off and can realize when it’s over and not be a desperate bitch constantly texting them even when they ignore me 7 times. i’m not delusional i know when done is done. BUT THIS GUY. NOPE. HE STILL REALLY IS WONDERING WHY I WON’T TALK TO HIM. you know why, you dickbag. sometimes friendships just don’t work out and that’s okay, it doesn’t need to get to this point though. and the funny part? i’m apparently not even the only girl he’s done this to... the sweet talking and ‘oh but I’M your favorite right? cus you’re my favorite.’ and ‘we should hang out, like all the time, bc that’s what best friends do...’ yeah he’s pulled that shit with 4 OF MY FRIENDS. you think that shits not gonna get around buddy? he obviously has issues. it’s sad and yknow i don’t usually have problems with people, i can count on ONE HAND the amount of people i’ve had a falling out with or a negative relationship with... and i’m not one to expose people or whatever, that’s not my thing. but when you piss me off THIS much, well, sucks to suck. 

it’s been over a year, stop fucking texting me. lose my number, loser.