#me @ like 10 reading about a girl my age being abused neglected or suffering from some other terrible thinh: 😀👍🏻

[willowchild]

The JWU (Jacqueline Wilson Universe) is crazy because why did I read books with such sad topics at like 9-12 💀

[maybeimamuppet]

Do you believe Regina is redeemable?

ohhhhh buddy the whole can of worms this opened

to make a long story short: yes.

to make a long story longer with a tw for mentioned child abuse/neglect and suicidal ideation

i think every iteration of her deserves a shot at redemption.

canonically regina is at most seventeen years old. yes, she’s almost an adult. yes, she does and has done despicable things at this age and even younger. but she is still young. she is still a child. to completely, black and white say, that she is at her core an unredeemable monster who doesn’t even deserve to try does a complete and utter disservice both to her and the people she’s hurt in her past. to say she will be the way she is forever negates all the suffering she goes through and puts others through in canon, misguided though it is.

regina is also basically the textbook for a personality disorder and specifically bpd. borderline is (in a lot of cases i’ll say rightfully) very harshly judged. there’s a lot of stigma around it and cluster b disorders as a whole. but bpd is also caused for the most part by neglect and abuse in childhood. we only ever see regina’s dad in 2004 canon, for a single scene, crying over regina wearing the rabbit halloween costume. he’s completely absent in both the stage show and 2024. and looking at her mom, it is very obvious something has happened to the both of them and that this child (or neither of these children if you include kylie from 2004) is/are not getting the emotional guidance, support, and attention they need. who knows what happened before canon as well. who knows what her dad was like.

speaking as someone who also probably has bpd (which i discovered through doing research to write her better) i can say it is a terrifying experience. i’m lucky in that i’m able to resist my compulsions most of the time, but having them at all is beyond terrifying sometimes. i am filled with rage on a hair trigger these days. sometimes i’m able to process this anger in a healthy way. i can rationalize. i can think through it. i can calm myself down.

other times i can’t. i can only glance through the mean girls tag on ao3 now because if i look at numbers or think for too long about it, i compare the new fics that have come with the 2024 movie to things i���ve written. to see these fics that, while fantastic, are much shorter or don’t have as much effort put into them as what i do get literally ten times the love does hurt, as much as i adore and appreciate what i do get.

by nature with my other illnesses i have to pour my entire heart and soul, blood sweat and tears into every word i put on a page. every fic i’ve done is a piece of me that sometimes feels like i’ve torn it out of myself and given you to read. sometimes seeing that get 150 hits compared to a cadina fic that’s half as long (but again, still amazing! they all deserve every hit and kudos and comment and whatever) getting up to 1, 10, 50k hits just latches to a particularly sadistic part of my brain and it’s all i can think about for weeks. and it makes me want to quit. either writing or living.

and that sounds dramatic because IT IS. and i’m fully aware having those thoughts and urges is irrational. i don’t want them. i miss feeling like i have a community on ao3 (i absolutely have one here and i love all of you in my little circle with my entire being.) i hate having to avoid reading about my favorite characters because it does that much damage to my mental health. i am afraid that it takes something that small for me to have these massive thoughts.

all of that to say is that bpd makes switches easier to flip. it makes bad choices easier to make.

the reason i’m still here. the reason i still write and i haven’t deleted everything i’ve ever done. the reason i haven’t done a number of other things that i won’t say because they aren’t really relevant. is because i have chosen not to. it is incredibly hard sometimes. but it is still a choice you have to consciously make. you have to consciously decide to hurt someone. you have to consciously decide to say things. you have to consciously decide to humiliate your best friend in front of countless other people.

regina did make those choices.

and for that she does deserve consequences. she deserves repercussions and she deserves flack. she does not deserve to get hit by a bus (except for it being the catalyst to help her realize she needs to change) or being force fed to reach her biggest insecurity and fear without her knowledge.

she made the earliest choice when she was either eleven or twelve years old, that we know of.

that is a child.

regina is a child who is clearly suffering in some way we don’t see. she absolutely should be held accountable for what she does and what she has done. but she also deserves to be allowed to apologize and try to make amends. she deserves to be allowed the opportunity for growth and to heal and to become a functional adult who is capable of meaningful relationships and success. she deserves to be allowed to try.

does she deserve immediate or any forgiveness? no. the people around her also deserve the ability to make the choices with her that they will. she has caused harm, people are allowed to process the harm she has put upon them however they will.

but she deserves the opportunity to make it a choice for them.

she deserves a chance at redemption.

[realcatalina]

Becoming Elizabeth-critical view, part 1: Elizabeth and Thomas Seymour WTF

There is a lot I have to say about this tv-show, especially as person with ADHD. I watched 4 episodes so far. (So if you didn’t see it, don’t read this.)

Overall I liked plenty of things in the tv show-but I absolutely think they screwed over Elizabeth and Thomas Seymour plotline. And at times it felt as if we were looking girl with split personality. Like WTF was going on her? Naive and bold, strong-opinioned yet caved easily moments later. Mature and immature. 

When you want your character to have these up and lows-they have to make sense. The character arcs have to be justified. Here maybe in tv show they look that way-but it’s historical character that we know plenty about. 

During her childhood-her mother and uncle are executed for supposed adultery and incest.

When she was eight, her step-mother Catherine Howard was executed for supposed adulterry and not being virgin(she was sexually abused as minor, because Agnes Tilney was neglectful of her wards). 

(And I say supposed adultery because I personally believe she too was framed. Just even better than Anne Boleyn.)

What would be then this girl taught by people around her-them who knew about all of this and understood it?

Probably this: Chastity is the most important thing girl has and you’re not to ever allow any man but your husband to touch you! Preferably not at all! You are never to be alone with man!

What would she herself think of her mother and Catherine Howard’s demise. Remember, she was very clever, and understood things well beyond her years. After all-she quickly caught up to fact she was suddenly not called a princess-she was not yet 3 years old.

It’s possible she’d have strong opinion about it. And don’t say-oh she’d be just sad of her mum’s death and feel like crying whenever somebody mentions Anne Boleyn. I really hate that they called her Great Whore 99% of the time. I am fan of Catherine of Aragon-but it felt weird, that everybody would do that. One or two-ok, but everybody? That’s not realistic. 

Imo Henry VIII had ADHD and very likely all 3 of his kids too. 

Prone to outburts, very strongly opinioned from young age, not easy to forgive, remembering past wrongdoings. Etc. 

(But we forget where we left our keys, for what item we went into room, that there was homework etc.)

Women with ADHD are more prone to emotional rollecosters. True, and perhaps that is what Becoming Elizabeth wanted to portray. Emotional teenager with ADHD, in mourning. She is bound to be overly emotional, her defences weakened etc, right? 

Is that realistic? Talking from experience as woman who suffered from undiagnosed ADHD for years? No.

1st of all, we can be very mature(well beyond our years) and have extremely strong opinions even as children and not diverge from them ever.

Such as on smoking and drugs, right and wrong, etc. 

But at same time, for many ADHDs the puberty came later. Not physically, but emotionally. Some people think that is from drugs to cope with ADHD. I didn’t take them as teen, I was not diagnosed until mid 20s. Yet this stagnation in development happened to me too. 

I am no scientist but personally think because our brain is wired differently, it takes body longer to connect all the cabels. In my case emotions which you’d associate with puberty didn’t hit me until I was about 19. Like 5 years later.

I was absolutely calm between 10-19, and at the time my ADHD wasn’t even acting that strong. 

My father died from long-term illness when I was teen, was I sad? Actually no. He was suffering for months and his suffering was over. 

It wasn’t suprise so it wasn’t actually as big of blow, as if it came suddenly.

Elizabeth’s reaction to her Father’s death suggest she wasn’t aware how bad his health has became-she was saddenned and shocked by it. And indeed could be emotionally not ok for while. Any surprise/shock causes as stress and we hate stress.

But loss of loved one or any stress, doesn’t make one loose all their inhibitions as soon as man clicks fingers! Especially if that person previously lead you on and you know they are behaving inappropriately and it can mean your ruin.

So is it realistic for ADHD girl outburst in full swing and calm few seconds later? Forget and forgive in 1 second?

HELL NO! Don’t get me wrong. You can reduce the anger to minimum with some methods. For me works-waving my favourite food  before my face or new book. I will focus on food/book instead on wishing to slap you. But if you think that after I finish eating/reading you’re forgiven-you’re wrong. I will still be very mad at you! And will take at least several hours to calm down.

For most people with ADHD calming down can be really really difficult and especially if we are reminded of people’s guilt over and over again.

(Such as Elizabeth hearing Thomas fuck his wife).

Forgiveness? Leaning towards him for kiss? 

He chosen her over us and we wish to never see his ugly face ever again! 

Apropriate reaction for Elizabeth being dragged by Thomas to be alone with him, would be to step on his foot, apologize for your ‘mistake and how you didn’t want to hurt him’ and then leave with smug. 

Not leaning to kiss him!

But maybe I am only petty person with ADHD. 

Scenes where Elizabeth retreats to nature to calm her nerves-brilliant. But her being calm as soon as Thomas Seymour opens his mouth or upon seeing him-you’ve got to be kidding! Not realistic at all.

Many people say her having crush or consider match with him at 13/14 him is unrealistic. Around that age lots of bethrohals were already decided and after Henry VIII’s death Elizabeth might have wondered about her future. 

She might have wondered if her brother and council will get her married to secure alliances-that is realistic. But she’d 100% not think she had choice, that she had a say and that she could choose herself. She’d expect that somebody else would pick for her! 

The crush is possible, but I doubt she could have crush on both Dudley and Seymour at same time. Especially Thomas over Dudley? WTF?

True, there were marriages in those days with big age differences, and even nowadays they are and some young woman prefer to have mature man from older generation. Old school gentleman.

So could she wish for marriage with him? Or think of it as possibility. Yes, that is plausible.

But falling for his charms? Episode 4 gave no room for wandering.

She thought she could be pregnant-they had sex. Multiple times.

And it is so unrealistic!  Especially since Elizabeth might have been ADHD and with history of women around her. You think Kat Ashley would know what happened to Catherine Howard and would sit still while Thomas Seymour was grooming her charge? Just two scoldings-and otherwise she doesn’t exist?!

Elizabeth’s own reaction is also pure fiction.

ADHD people are not always strong personalities, we are full of insecurities true-but we are also very strongly opinioned and we don’t diverge from our views easily. Sometimes our views can be twisted(as for example Henry VIII’s idea of justice-you’re with me or against me), but in priciple our personality doesn’t really change since times we turned 10. Maybe not even since we turned 7. Our values are set in stone, and you better bring powerdrill to try to break them. 

Ok, sometimes peer pressure, family pressure works. To diverge from them slightly. Not trow them away completely!

You’re telling me this girl being hammered all her life to this point about importance of chastity just threw it off? She gave in to the temptation? A royal daughter who knew two women in her life had their head chopped off?WTF?!

Not all girls are willing to become whores and throw their morals way. Not every pretty young teen is willing to misbehave, to be unchaste, to sleep with any dude which comes her way and pays her bit of attention.

The Becoming Elizabeth’s view upon Elizabeth’s moral is so fucking misogenic, it hurts. 

Just as well they could portray it as him clicking his finger and her bending over, pulling her skirt up. Just as bad.

Also, I am not sure if you noticed the bits of conversations and glances between Mary and Thomas Seymour. It almost looked like they were trying to imply he seduced Mary before Elizabeth. 

(I was having thought in 3rd episode-how Starz so far ruined(made immoral) every woman on main cast that was in White Princess, Spanish princess, and I was wondering how come Mary was spared-apparently she wasn’t, it’s just bit hidden.)

Imo there were several ways to portray Thomas Seymour and Elizabeth’s relationship and not make audience livid:

1)Nothing happens-both stay decent, nobody tries anything

2)He is creep and wants to molest her(or more) and Kat Ashley stops him when he sneaks to Elizabeth’s bed one morning(she watches Elizabeth as hawk) and begs Catherine Parr to sent Elizabeth away(anywhere). Catherine eventually agrees, but Elizabeth is traumatized by that point.

3)He is creep and Elizabeth herself is bold enough to tell him off, and when his behaviour doesn’t stop, she herself tells Catherine that Thomas behaviour is not ok, and could lead to rumours etc. Elizabeth is bit shaken, but ok.

4)He is creep, wants to molest her and more, and it is Catherine Parr who stops him from raping the poor girl and who puts herself between her ward and her husband. She sents Elizabeth away behind his back and is mortified whom she married.

5)He is creep and Catherine Parr and Kat Ashley fail to protect Elizabeth. He rapes her and only then Elizabeth is sent away. 

All of those would be more acceptable than Elizabeth willingly falling for him.

My personal favourite would be number 2 or 3. Or combination of those two. 

Because it’d show both vulnerability of young girl, when being in household where this creep is in charge(as husband of Catherine Parr he’d be in charge of her household) and at the same time Elizabeth holding upon her principles. Her fighting him off-that was what we all wanted to see. For her to be the lioness, showing her claws when he crossed the mark. Kat Ashley being fiercelly protective. 

Or Kat Ashley could have a male servant guard corridor beside Elizabeth’s door at night(while she asleeps), not liking Seymour’s gaze upon Elizabeth. Somebody she deeply trusted and knew for many years. Why male? So that he’d be strong enough to stop Seymour if it was need. Probably male servant with strong morals-who would not hesitate to break the door Seymour latched(locked), and would stand up to Seymour and not be put off by Seymour’s threads but would stand his ground allowing Elizabeth to escape.(And Elizabeth would want to escape!)

If they thought their portrayal showed well enough how much wrong that relationship was, they were wrong. On contrary. She was way too into it, for us to truly sympathize with her. Or to not think showrunners were idiots.

Thomas Seymour’s unwanted attention would be very unpleasant experience for Elizabeth. It’s likely she’d not know how to cope with it-at first. But it is equally likely that Seymour would not be making his move immediately.

It’d take while. Imo, she’d do her best to avoid him and if not possible to be in presence of somebody she trusted all the time. Like Kat Ashley, with whom she’d share her fears. 

Hell I think all teens would react that way-if they realised the person was creep.

Could they not realise? Sadly not all victims do, until it is too late. Those creeps can bind their time and be eloquent and fun and nice until they get their victims alone. And afterwards they will tell their victim some bullshit words to convince their victim-that victim was actually at fault and was asking for it, she wanted it.

Which is essentially what this tv show did with Elizabeth! She leans towards him for kiss first. They basically put the blame on her. She doesn’t give any real signal of being unwilling. At all.

I don’t blame the actors, I blame director and script writer for this. 

Actors are good actors. They cannot be expected to keep tract of overall tone that relationship would have in the final cut. That is not their job. 

The show runners failed to portray him as proper creep and her as victim. 

And for that I’d give them whole 3 points down for accuracy(on scale 1-10). 

1 for Elizabeth’s unrealistic reactions to Seymour and her unrealistic expectations regarding her possible marriage. 

1 for failure to portray T. Seymour as actual creep, unrealistic luring stage, etc.

(That line-’I’d never do anything you’d not want’ would be much better fit for luring stage, not for time when he has hand on her thigh already.)

And 1 for portrayal of Kat Ashley and Catherine Parr not being really that bothered by Seymour’s nor Elizabeth’s behaviour. One time scolding of Elizabeth by Ashley, and her once scolding Seymour was not enough! One time Parr telling her husband to stop flirting with Elizabeth-realising he was flirting!- in very weak tone. (I tell my cat to get off my notebook in much harsher way!)

It was not ok for these two women to be potrayed this way-realising he was behaving inapropriately-and not watching their charge, not protecting her. 

It’s stupid! 

And by the way another 1 point for that 1st conversation between Pedro and Mary. Concept of Mary bonding with Pedro over her mother arriving to England from Spain with some black people-not bad idea at all. 

But implying Mary had black lady named Catalina in her household- 1 full point taken down. Catalina de Cardones is fictional character! Catalina of Motril was a slave! Probably later freed and given money to return to Spain by Catherine of Aragon, and dead by the time Great Matter occured. She was not in Spain. Even Lina in Spanish Princess left. 

No excuses for this mishap. This is repeated mistake by Starz and I am not having it. We criticized them for it before! 

Just as we criticized them about not screwing up the main character’s character(Spanish Princess’ Catherine fo Aragon).

Good that they got better costumes(than in Spanish Princess-but they are still 1530s), checked some facts and some timelines and got plenty of nice tidbits. But when your main character willingly faces ruin and is immoral-how do you expect us to like her? How do you expect us to sympathize with her?

She slashes throat of deer-but can’t kick Thomas into balls? Bold, strong girl and yet innocent victim? How the hell do you explain this paradox?

They make real life victim into villing participant and I don’t know about you, but I won’t forget it nor forgive it. So in part 2 I will rip appart the costume and take back my statement, they look great. They do-if this was set in 1520s or 1530s. Which it is not. 

Hope you’ve enjoyed it. And please keep the comments polite.

[representativecharacters]

Characters: Castiel, Dean Winchester

From: Supernatural

Representation: mlm (*see “issues” section), abuse survivor (Dean) 

Their Importance: Dean and Cas are two characters that many in fandom viewed as LGBTQIA+, with the common belief being that Dean Winchester is bisexual. 

There’s a lot about Supernatural and Destiel, and Dean in general, which I’ll go over in the “issues” section, but I think many people in fandom didn’t expect for the show to actually go anywhere with them - until 15x18, when Cas confesses his love to Dean. It’s riddled with issues, yes, but just speaking as a bi girl who’s been watching Supernatural for a decade now, watching Cas confess his love for Dean was just so incredibly validating. It validated that I - and other fans - weren’t delusional when looking for representation from Cas (and Dean). Cas is a wonderful character and gave a new life to the show, and has been a fixture of the show for 10 years. While like with every character he has his ups and downs, he is a kind, loving character, and the only main character who actually survives the show. Despite the issues on the show, knowing that Cas is canonically LGBT+ is something that’s comforting and validating to me, and continues to be so even as Supernatural kind of trainwrecks around everything else. 

For myself, watching the show, I saw a lot of myself and my journey in Dean. Watching him grow and develop as a character, and try to experience happiness and find comfort in his found family was wonderful for me to see. I started this show when I was a young closeted kid, and I clung to Dean in a way that I didn’t fully understand until years later. I didn’t actually expect him to be explicitly mlm in the show, and for the most part, that didn’t happen - until the Spanish dub. There, we see the romantic reciprocation to Cas, and that’s something that is real and cannot be taken away. In fact, although it was said that it was a “rogue” translator, the episode will not be redubbed, so it is canon in a version of the show. Despite the fact that he didn’t get canonized in a way I expected or would have ever hoped, it still does give me some joy to know that he is canonically LGBT+ (and in my opinion, bi, although there is no actual label given to Dean). Even if it’s not in the version of the show I watched, I can go back and watch the Spanish dub of the episode and see that representation happen onscreen, and that means something to me. 

Issues: The issues list for this show is a mile long, so I’ve split it up into sections and put most of it under a read more:

Dean + Canon Rep: Trying to wade through if Dean is actually canonically LGBTQ+ was....a struggle, to say the least, and I almost didn’t put him into this submission. If you watch the show in English, Dean never once actually reciprocates feelings for Cas, states that he’s into men, or is even confirmed to be in a relationship with other men. Although for many, it is implied, the average audience member may not see Dean as canonically LGBTQ+. However, in the Spanish dub of the show, when Castiel confesses his love to Dean (which is an explicit romantic “I love you”), Dean says “y yo a ti”, which is a reciprocation of Cas’s romantic confession. This post is very long as it is, so I want to link to @destielintheimpala’s timeline of events that occurred for Supernatural and I think it best lays out all the issues about 15x18-20, why it’s been so difficult trying to figure out Dean’s sexuality in canon, why fandom is upset, and can clear up any misinformation. This situation also goes into queerbaiting quite a bit (something Supernatural is infamously known for), which you can read in this article from @thecoolestfreakyouknow. 

Reading Dean as a queer character as well - having a character who is queer (or queercoded) and an abuse survivor and then immediately killing him off is also a huge problem. As mentioned in the link above, Jensen Ackles himself felt uneasy about Dean’s ending, and many Dean fans felt the same way. To have a character suffer through abuse and traumas for 15 seasons, imply or straight out have him be LGBT+ (depending on the canon), and then immediately killing him off in the finale is needless to say, an odd choice. 

Also, with Dean being an abuse survivor - his father, John Winchester, is commonly shown to be neglectful throughout the show, and Dean has to raise his younger brother Sam by himself most times. He expresses trauma from the experiences he’s had growing up with their father and being forced to hunt at a young age. However, the show weirdly seems to flip flop on their portrayal of John, despite also specifically stating that what he put his children through was child abuse. They have Sam telling John that he did the best he could, they have characters excusing away John’s actions, etc. - it was like the writers themselves couldn’t figure out if they wanted John to have been an abusive parent or not. The show ends with John in Heaven with Mary - thus absolving John of his actions and putting him in the same Heaven with the children he abused. 

Castiel: Cas confesses his love for Dean in 15x18, but gets dragged away to a void called “The Empty” immediately afterwards, where he’s meant to be suffering for all of eternity. Cas does get out of The Empty, and even helps to rebuild Heaven - he’s actually one of the few characters to survive the finale - but he never appears onscreen again after 15x18, so fans’ last image of him is getting dragged away to The Empty. Dean never has a follow-up conversation, and there was only one line referencing Cas’s fate, so many fans believed he was still in The Empty suffering.

As the timeline linked above shows, the situation around Destiel is an odd one - the Spanish dub, cast’s overall silence, the lack of Misha Collins in the finale all led fans to believe that something was switched around last minute in terms of Dean’s sexuality and Destiel as a general ship. Obviously, this is speculation unless someone from the show explicitly comes out and says that fans are correct, but it’s included in the issues section because - regardless of it it turns out to be true or not - it’s such a big part of the issues currently surrounding Supernatural and canon representation. In any case, however, Castiel’s confession in 15x18 gave fans hope where they may not have had hope before, and then it was unceremoniously dropped with no real follow up - from a writing standpoint, it isn’t good writing to confirm a major character as queer via a love confession and then never go back to that plot point. While I’m happy that Cas is canonically queer and I’m not trying to say that I would rather not have more representation, I do look back on the show and wonder, with the story that made it to screen, what the actual point of writing that in was. 

As mentioned before, Castiel was a main character on the show for 10 years - while I’m glad that his character survives the series, to not have him show up in the final two episodes (particularly the finale, and especially after canonically making him LGBTQ+) felt like a slap in the face to both the character and the audience who loved him. 

Miscellaneous treatment of characters: In general, Supernatural has many problems in its treatment of female, characters of color, and LGBTQ+ characters. Alongside being incredibly underrepresented in the show, if they do show up, they are commonly tortured, treated poorly, and/or killed off (if not all of the above). Even thinking about their recurring characters who are also representative - Kevin, their only recurring Asian character, is killed off and appears as a ghost multiple times, Charlie, who is a lesbian, gets killed off and replaced in the show with an Alternate Universe version of herself, Eileen, a Deaf woman, gets killed off and then is brought back and is implied to survive the show, but like Cas, never actually shows up in the final two episodes even though she’s Sam’s girlfriend. I can think of very few minority characters in the show in general, much less those who got any type of happy ending. 

[medranochav]

my moms been living with us for 4 months now. her stay was initially tolerable but is now triggering and I find myself regressing in a lot of ways. Her grief has evolved into torment and per her m.o. she'd like for her issues to take first priority. Except, my sis and I are grown now, and as a therapised household (literally we've all been in counseling, babies included) though we still lean on each other for support, we ultimately don't function codependently.

And beeecause that's not how we grew up, I think my mother is now having to contend with the reality that she has to do the emotional work of surviving her many traumas (and currently her many dramas) on her own. We support her but we can't fix it for her.

Currently, it's a crisis a day and she's spiraling into mini catastrophic states everytime. Which was sufferable at first because despite my labored support, I still maintained my boundaries and didn't adopt her distress as my own. The problem now is the increasing frequency with which these crying spells are taking place. Not to mention the fact that she's been doing so in front of the kids; something that would normally be acceptable because my sis and I make space for feelings (even our own) in our home. The difference being, we do so responsibly. We listen, we talk, give affection and/or space but always with the fundamental knowledge that our emotions belong to us individually and only we can be accountable for them. A gentle reminder that though part of a unit, they still have agency and accountability.

This interdependency makes way for a more compassionate exchange. Whenever they see us cry or be vunerable, the kids have the wherewithal to approach us without attaching themselves to our emotional circumstance. It's an empathy that perceives our emotional reactions as relatable but still not their responsibility. I've seen our work proven time and time again.

One example is when my sister's [redacted] died and the boys spotted her crying on the couch. Without being prompted, they approached her independently, commiserated, hugged and kissed her and shortly after went back to playing on their electronics. It was such a graceful display of emotional validation that demonstrated their love for her without sacrificing their own desires in doing so. Truly remarkable, that at ages 5-8 they maintained boundaries while still being there for their mom.

They're also there for one another but it's seldom a sinking ship. And when emotional support is rejected they respect that as well, without taking it personally [tbh that has more to do with concepts of mandatory consent that we impart on them, but as is evident, it applies. #intersectionality] It's an ongoing practice that I'm proud to be a part of, considering the kids have codependent figureheads in both their maternal and paternal families. WE'RE TRYING TO BREAK CYCLES HERE.

Yes, our home is a safe space for emotional processing but always leveraged with the emotional balance of self reliance, awareness and resiliency. The kids have proven to have the capacity for this and through teaching them, so do we.

It's human to have outbursts, but my mother's pattern is proving to be less intrinsic and more deliberate. She needs an audience in order to experience catharsis. A potentially reasonable behavior except for it's her only one. So it's imbalanced and seeks refuge in the reliance of our total empathy.

Furthermore she's disingenuous in her emotional performances. When approached out of concern, she responds with the proverbial, "I'm ok." Like, its subtle but super manipulative to say that, when we can CLEARLY see she's not. The kids see and hear her, the least she could do is not gaslight them. And I'm not saying her tactics are successful but it exposes the bby's to unnecessary dysfunction and covertly teaches them to assume the responsibility of communicating her emotion for her. She's also non verbal and unpredictable and tho not at her best rn [like, literally who is? this year has wrecked us all] she and we deserve proper communication.

The mind games are soul sucking and triggering for me in a way that is not for my sister. Though we share a mother, the repective versions of her that we experienced as children differ greatly.

My sister's the eldest and spent the first couple years of her life as the only child to a very young mother living alone in America after being displaced by the civil unrest in her native El Salvador. By age 3, with the addition of a new baby sister (my moms 2nd) she was sent to a country fully at war. My sisters would spend the next half decade of their lives in sunny wartorn tropics, watched over and raised by our family of four women. A blissful antithesis to their future with our mom. Upon the return to their forgotten country of origin (USA) and severed from the only family and community they've ever known, the girls were whisked away by a mother they barely remembered and a baby brother they had never met... marking the beginning of my mom's descent into single motherhood.

My mom resented having a brood of kids, namely her 2nd and 3rd, who's father was abusive and absent. Don't know much of the facts outside of what she would ritualistically berate my siblings about during her brutal tantrums -as if it were their fault they simply existed. The second born, my other sister, left home at 12 and has been estranged ever since and the third, my brother, has recently severed bonds abruptly claiming a new life with a woman he's known barely a year yet now calls wife. Proving that despite being raised by the same woman we all had different mothers.

Since my siblings endured a childhood with a volatile, violent woman who managed her emotions thru physical abuse... when she wasn't, she was neglectful of them, turning her attention onto me... the youngest (four years removed from the rest of the pack). I bore witness to said abuse until I was 5, when it was litigiously exposed, forcing her to abandon corporal punishment and rely solely on mental/emotional abuse. That's the version of my mom I got.

I was 10 when my sister left for college. Just my brother and I remained. Similarly to each other we both lived in service to our mother. Whereas his duties were more physically laborious, mine consisted of full on emotional labor. I spent most of my childhood navigating a homelife that was so saturated and occupied by my mother's opera of a life, that there was no room for my feelings, thoughts, desires or identity. I was her plaything, a person sans agency. My age and vulnerability proved advantagous when grooming me. I learned to behave in ways satisfactory to her needs. I was made to react to (and collect) her emotional distress, endorse her judgements of others, perform well in school as a testament to her rearing, and accept her violations of me as normal. I was a shackled spectator, whose own emotions were mere reflections of her dramatizations. I was tailored to be the MOST convenient. So I kept secrets and coped alone. I knew just enough abt myself to remain human but lacked the vision to actualize it. And because emotional abuse is so insidious in its indoctrination, I was really none the wiser until I too moved away years later.

I'm almost 30 now and I'm a mess. I can't establish enduring relationships, I'm fat, I'm broke, I'm debilitatingly avoidant, socially inept, codependent, confused and lack significant self worth. I spent the past decade delving deep into undoing all the work done to me to keep me a reliable supply for my mother and coming to terms with all the time lost in doing so. I've had glimpses and proof of another life but this year sent me back to old coping mechanisms and devastatingly familiar relationships. I read that by its very nature, all pandemics have to end and I thought I was strong enough to share a definite time&space with my abuser for the foreseeable future.... but with no end in sight, I kind of really wish I had established a clearer version of myself and where I stand in this family, to her.

Similar predicaments flung us both to the south and having her here is like a screen forging images of the same dysfunction I exhibited upon my arrival 7 years ago. There's so much I wish I could tell my former self, namely, "it's not your fault. you're not alone. you don't have to try so hard and tomorrow is another day" And perhapz it's this layered vision of myself as seen thru her that compels me to want to save her, but doing so requires me to get too close to a flame I've yet to extinguish. Im not foundationally sound enough to go up in flames and rebuild afterwards, I need a few more rounds of therapy for all that. I'm a stitch away from coming apart at the seams. Weak construction, but I'm still standing. I have more life to live and can't risk the breeze of my mother's chaotic whims to topple what's taken years to forge. I love her, because she's the only mom I got and because she's the kids' only access to our motherland. How can I reconcile this version of me with this version of her?

[starstruckteacup]

Cottagecore Films (pt. 5)

Whisper of the Heart (1995)

starring Honna Youko, Takahashi Issei, Kobayashi Keiju, Yamashita Yorie

Fourteen year old bookworm Tsukishima Shizuku has a goal of reading 20 books before school starts, but while she’s reading, she realizes that many of her books have the same name written on the library cards: Amasawa Seiji. She begins imagining who he might be, and evolves the idea into her potential prince charming. After school begins, she encounters a cat commuting on the train, and follows him to a quiet antique shop where she meets a kind elderly man, Nishi Shiro. She soon meets Nishi’s grandson, an aspiring violin maker, who she actually had an uncomfortable encounter with at school earlier on. The two of them become friends despite their differences, until Shizuku learns that his name is Amasawa Seiji, shattering her imaginary image of him. Despite her discomfort, they continue to bond and become close friends, even meeting at school, until Seiji has to leave for Italy for school. While he’s away, Shizuku vows to write a story for him to read upon his return, as an effort to become a better person and understand what she wants to do with her life. It’s a race to get her story onto paper before he returns, a race to plan for her future, and a race to understand what her true feelings are for Seiji before it becomes too late.

I have never seen a film capture the pure essence of middle schoolers like this one. It showed the discomfort of discovering love as young teenagers in a way that was realistic but wholesome and honest. Also if Shizuku wasn’t exactly how I was as a child I don’t know what to tell you. She had the unbridled determination and complete tunnel vision of a teenager who’s set her mind to something, and no amount of real-world obligations could deter her from her goal. Her imagination ran wild as she translated it to paper, and although she was proud for finishing it she was still unhappy with the ending, as any writer--especially a first time writer--would be on their first draft. The people she loved were real with her but encouraged her throughout, a fantastic representation of how blood family and found family can help form a young person’s character. 9/10

Matilda (1996)

starring Mara Wilson, Embeth Davidtz, Danny DeVito, Rhea Pearlman, Pam Ferris

Matilda is born to grouchy, rude, and dishonest parents, Harry and Zinnia Wormwood. They consistently neglect her as she grows up, so she learns how to care for herself early on. She develops a love for books and learning, and is thrilled when her parents finally allow her to begin school. However, the school she goes to is nothing like how she expected. Principal Trunchbull, a violent and hateful woman, runs the school through brutality and fear. On the other hand, Matilda’s teacher, the gentle and kind Miss Honey, teaches her children to love learning and supports each of them individually, creating a stark contrast of joy in her classroom to the terrifying rest of the school. Over time, Matilda learns that she has some unique powers, and begins using them to protect the people she loves and punish the people who abuse those around them. She creates her own form of justice for those who have never seen repercussions for their actions, and by the end her actions pave the way for a loving home.

I’ve watched this movie many times over the years, and I’ve loved it every time. It’s witty, sweet, entertaining, and endearing. The characters are very straightforwardly portrayed, and although they don’t necessarily have complexity, they don’t need it in a film like this. The main story is about Matilda growing and learning that she deserves to be happy despite the suffering she endured, and the film delivers on that perfectly. The characters are enjoyable--even the unlikable ones--and you can’t help but love to see Matilda exact retribution when the system can’t deliver it for her. Despite everything, she is still a kind and clever young girl, just as Miss Honey is a kind and empathetic woman, which are clear messages that I definitely needed as a child, and still smile upon as an adult. It’s a fantastic movie for all ages, and will always be worth the rewatch. 10/10

Mansfield Park (1999)

TW: detailed depictions of rape, abuse, and other violence toward people of color through drawings; slavery; racist language

starring Frances O’Connor, Hannah Taylor Gordon, Johnny Lee Miller, Alessandro Nivola, Embeth Davidtz, Harold Pinter, Victoria Hamilton, James Purefoy

Young Fanny Price, at age 10, is sent away from her impoverished family to live with her mother’s family, the Bertram’s, at Mansfield Park. There she meets Edmund, a boy of her own age and similar fascination with storytelling, and the two become best friends over the years. When Fanny reaches adulthood, Sir Thomas Bertrand and his eldest son move to Antigua, where the family maintains a plantation. Upon their departure, a new sibling duo, Henry and Mary Crawford, move into the parsonage nearby. Edmund quickly falls for Mary, and after a short bit of ingracious flirting on Henry’s part to one of Edmund’s sisters, he soon develops feelings for Fanny. When Fanny refuses his advances, however, Sir Thomas sends her back to live with her family, still stricken with poverty. However, Fanny doesn’t remain for long, when a family tragedy strikes Mansfield Park and she’s needed. There, she renews her friendship with Edmund, and several astonishing complications entwine their fates once more.

As with any Jane Austen story, I greatly enjoyed the characters. Fanny is incredibly headstrong and outspoken, but always uses it in the effort of kindness. I find Austen heroines to be excellent role models for young women, and that’s not the last time you’ll hear that from me, but this portrayal of the novel was particularly well acted. O’Connor’s portrayal of her is quick-tongued and cutting when she needs to be, but more importantly her voracity for life and love shines through in her acting. I found myself laughing at her witty comebacks to being slighted, and frustrated when her affections are unknowingly spurned time and again. Austen created a very empathetic and spirited character, but O’Connor expanded her into an even more relatable young woman. All of the acting was done very well, and the settings were both cozy and beautiful, even breathtaking at times. 

I do want to make a comment regarding the trigger warnings here, given their graphic nature and how they affect my review. While I do feel that the detail depicted and the length of the scene were egregious, especially because they are never brought up again as a topic of contention, the drawings themselves were very realistic to the times. However, they are burned and disregarded in the film, and the character seen committing the abuses (Sir Thomas) does not face any consequences for them. It is a skippable scene (beginning when Fanny is looking through young Tom’s sketchbook), if such violence causes you discomfort. I personally was very disturbed as a person of color, not so much by the drawings themselves, although they were deeply unsettling, but by how Sir Thomas is never held accountable. He decides to stop being a plantation owner and takes up selling tobacco, implying that he no longer participates in slavery, but he doesn’t face any kind of backlash for it, even from his abolitionist family members. He has a happily ever after that he doesn’t deserve, and I know that is more distressing to many of us. As such, I must advise that you gain nothing in particular by watching these scene, and will lose none of the plot by skipping over it. 8/10

Part One // Part Two // Part Three // Part Four

[melodies-and-memories]

I’m going to detail why my very first OCs are Bad this is a major callout for young me 

1. Greyson Greyson was my very first OC. I made him after we read Wuthering Heights for school. He was based off of Linton Heathcliff. Something in me at 13 years old adored the idea of the Constantly Sick character. Probably a deep seated psychological issue of not being needed. In his original story, he wasn’t *really* the main character. The main character was Amaya. Greyson was 10 when I made him (remember, I’m 13). Ayako/Amaya was like 15. She’s been sent abroad to study, and is boarding with the Knights and their young son. She never meets Greyson, and doesn’t really know he exists for a long time. She befriends 2 kids from school, Myles and Kathleen (Kath’s also Bad. She’s basically a Weasley ripoff.) Eventually, she does meet him. He never leaves the house due to illness (later, at...... 14? I retconned that he wasn’t just ill all the time, he’s immunocompromised. But in a REALLY uninformed way.) The entire point of the story is that these 4 outsiders become like a family.  My issue is mostly with how... uninformed my characters are. Amaya is so.... anime Japanese girl. Milo’s a typical Ruffian Bad Boy. Kathleen’s a red haired Irish girl with 7 siblings. Both Myles and Kathleen are actually based off my own family. My dad’s friend growing up was named Miles, and my Gran was 1 of 11 kids. The only character with any personality is Greyson. Amaya was a sad attempt at living through an OC. I had horrible identity issues through most of my life, and I desperately wanted to not be me, so I was projecting my ideal self onto Amaya. Which is whole other can of worms of Bad.  Greyson eventually moved out of that story and into my New Story. In a super convoluted way. And he didn’t change very much. (First drawings of the cast)

2. Eli “Toushi” Okay. Eli is 10000% the brain child of psychological issues. I made Eli sitting in Sunday school when I was 14. He’s the magical transformation of a Naruto OC whose design I liked (my own OC) turned into an older brother for me. That’s all he was to begin with. Eli is a horrible Frankenstein’s Monster of things I wanted or romanticised. He’s Japanese because I was into anime and desperately wanted to be Japanese, he’s tall because I wanted someone who would hold me and protect me, he’s older than me because my older sister failed me as an older sibling constantly, I wanted him to have blue eyes so I made him HALF Japanese, his mother is English because I wanted very desperately to not be American, eventually his story developed into one of neglect and running away from home to make a better life for himself (which was something I wanted to do, for selfish reasons.), he became an alcoholic at 13, because bad boys are Cool, and so I could bring in my New Ideal Self to come in and save him. His name’s not good either. It’s not a name. I pulled it out of my Japanese dictionary. Toushi (闘志). It means fighting spirit. But like. It’s not a name. As far as I know at least. He’s only called Toushi because the original Naruto OC was called Toshu (search me for where I got that). And even after all these years, I can’t change it. I have trauma. He became Eli because Ellison Kim and because I couldn’t bear to call him Toushi anymore. His appearance is taped together from things I liked too. He’s a mishmash of celebrities I’ve been attracted to over the years. I literally can’t draw him anymore because I don’t know what he actually looks like. I don’t know who he is.  As a teenager he was The Voice In My Head aka; My desperate attempts at fighting off depression. He and Leo would basically Angel and Devil in my head. Eli would build me up and was loving and supportive of everything I did, and Leo would criticise me and insult me. During my teenage years I also started expanding my world I was building in my head. Which will be point 3.  I might have. idk if I’m allowed to say this but like.... I kind drove myself crazy. I was always dialoguing with Eli or Leo. I didn’t connect with people, but I don’t know which came first; was I unable to connect with people, and so I made up friends, or was I unable to connect with people BECAUSE I made up friends? (The original sketches from 14 year old me)

3. The House I called it “the house” because I never decided what this story would be called.  You know those AUs where everyone lives together? It’s that but it’s my OCs. So this story was started when I was 14. And I was on the internet a lot. And I was seeing a lot of people saying stuff about “representation”. And that really like.... connected with me. I’m dealing with my own garbage, I’m at that age where I’m wrestling with personal identity, sexuality, sexual identity, mental illness and stuff like that, and I suddenly longed for representation for the under-represented.  Decent motives. Terrible execution.  90% of the 100 something characters I would make over the next 4 years would be POC and suffering from *something*. Whether physical illness, assault, or mental illness (or a combination of things), there was no one who could be called “average”. Which was the point. The House was a repurposed home, turned into a refuge for people who need help. It’s a hospital, but a home.  The major problem is, all of my research on all of the “issues” people had was the wiki page. It all feels so fragile. I’d slap a personality disorder on a character design I didn’t know what to do with. I’d give someone physical trauma if I didn’t make their personality one that could be convoluted to accommodate my ideas of mental illness. I’d straight up take characters from other media, tweak the design and give them a personality disorder. I also wrote some REALLY traumatic backstories for characters. All in the name of representation, but my tact was lacking. I wanted the abused and suffering to feel heard. But I didn’t educate myself. Their traumas and issues became props. And that’s really bad imo. Because traumatised people are more than their trauma. I don’t want to be defined by the terrible things that happened to me, yet I defined these characters by theirs. I made OVER 100 CHARACTERS like this.  4. Sen So. Sen. Sen is the most confused character I’ve ever made. They’re me. And they’re They because to this day I can’t decided what I want them to be. Sen started as a boy. Then a girl. Then NB. Then a girl who is mistaken for a boy and never corrects anyone. Short hair, long hair, brown hair, red hair, black hair, short, tall, skinny, fat. They were never anything other than whatever I was at the time. I have trauma.  -------- In short I need to do better. I need to let go of the things I did badly, and fix them, or just.... let go.  I think it’s important for me to reflect like this. Because sometimes I need to articulate my frustrations to be able to overcome them.

[byakkomaru]

Honestly, I love Guren to bits. I’m not one of those radical people who think he’s abusive/manipulative/problematic and wants to cancel him. He’s a good character, he does good things, and I like him.

But The Thing Is... I have a slight problem with the way Kagami victimizes him. To generalize, His entire character is portrayed like so: Guren has suffered sooo much, and yet he is kind and selfless.

And yes. He is kind and selfless, and those are wonderful things about him.

I start to have an issue when things get like this:

I actually have a problem with this, on a mental health level. Shinya shows pretty clear signs of both depersonalization and antisocial personality disorder. (these are links to definitions of these) They are developmental problems which arise from growing up in an abusive/unhealthy environment.

Guren does show signs of depression.

What is stated here, is that Guren is nice even though he suffered, and therefor deserves love (from Mahiru), more than Shinya does.

In the second panel, Kagami is comparing two VERY different types of trauma, and basically saying that Guren’s is far worse. Also, his way of coping with trauma is superior to Shinya’s.

Let’s talk about their individual traumas, because I do not believe he “lives in a world more soaked in helplessness and despair”.

Guren Ichinose:

Loved a girl he was not allowed to love, and was thus beaten up as a child. A lot.

And his dad died.

His friends died for a moment. (But they are alive now)

His girlfriend is now a demon. 

The prominent struggle in his life, is that he loves people, and they are unfairly taken away from them. And he gets punched and bullied for no reason. He is surrounded by people who love him intensely, such as Sayuri, Shigure, Mahiru, Sekae. Other people love him, though don’t express it as much: Yuu, Shinya, Goshi.

Shinya Hiragi:

 Parents abandoned him.

 Adoptive parent neglected him.

 Adoptive siblings abused him.

Went through “torture training”, being electrocuted and cut. 

For 5 years during the most developmentally vulnerable time of childhood, he was trapped in an arena in which he never saw sunlight or the outside. He was threatened to be murdered every day and experienced being stabbed on many occasions. Also forced to kill dozens of children.

Discarded by fiancée, unloved by any significant other.

No friends until age 16.

Only one close friend all his life, and this person is emotionally distant and does not show much sympathy or affection (Guren)

All his childhood, Shinya has not experienced love PERIOD. The people who are supposed to love him the most, his family, is who hurts him the most. He had no friends, nowhere safe.

Guren experienced trauma in the outside world, but has a cozy protective shell to retreat back into and heal. His home is full of people who adore him, and take care of him.

This narrative that Kagami is perpetuating, that abused individuals should act a certain way, or they don’t deserve the affection of others... Is pretty sick. I could understand if Shinya thinks he is worthless, because of his own insecurities, and Kagami does not actually believe that people who act in unhealthy ways due to trauma do not deserve love.

But the thing is, everything in this scene treats this as an incredible, truth-bearing revelation. His arms are spread out to the sky and splayed open. He is looking up. Byakkomaru does not refute his claim. Instead, he is given a shot looking down on him, almost as if chastising him. 

Byakkomaru, a separate entity from Shinya, encourages this concept. He says something along the lines of “Yes, Guren has suffered more than you, and he refuses to give up despite that. You should have been more like him.” 

This piece of literature is aimed towards children and young adults, who have likely experienced their own physical and emotional traumas. Everyone is fighting their own battles. I think this is a really bad message to send.

People who have been abused should not be expected to act any other way than what helps them cope with reality. As long as they are not hurting anyone, they should not be degraded and made to feel insuperior. People deserve love and affection, not because they act a certain way, but because it is a quintessential requirement to remain mentally healthy. 

Shinoa, who has experienced tremendous amount of neglect, is also told in the narrative that she should be more like Guren. Because her histrionic way of coping with things, is not as valid as Guren’s selfless actions.

This is subjective but, as far as physical trauma goes, I think electrocution and being in a five year long knife-fight is a little more intense than getting punched. Yeah, his dad died. At least he had a dad who loved him. Yeah, his girlfriend died. At least he had a person who loved him. He has like four women who devote their life to him. Yeah, his friends died. At least he has some.

The absolute absence of love Shinya receives from anyone also further pushes this narrative that he “does not deserve it”.

I think people often do not notice that in Guren’s Squad, they hardly ever interact with Shinya. All 3 girls, in total, speak 33 lines to him in the ENTIRE series. 19 are ABOUT GUREN. 7 are about themselves. The last 5 are when Mito plays against Shinya in Shoji. Oh and 2 about Mahiru.

Goshi says 14 lines and 4 are about Guren, 10 are about girls.

I can hardly even consider them his friends! They never ask him how he is, or try to show him an ounce of emotional comfort. Meanwhile, they give Guren SO MUCH EMOTIONAL COMFORT:

"Please, you can’t put yourself in danger anymore, Guren! I can’t take it. I’ve already worried enough for at least two lifetimes!"

"But I have to stay close, Guren! How else will I protect you?" 

"I believe in you, Guren," affirmed Mito. "Remember? You’re dear to me. You’re my friend."

"Our first priority has to be your safety, Guren."

"Every time it hits midnight and a new day starts, you get this expression on your face like you’re being backed up against a wall. You seem so sad, like you’re about to cry. But there’s nothing I can do to help. I’m not strong, not like Mahiru Hiragi, so what could I do? …But… but… if something’s bothering you, Guren, at the very least I wish I could suffer with you. I know it’s presumptuous of me, but I wish… even, just a little… that you’d rely on me more.”

Here’s a list of emotionally supportive things they have said to Shinya:

...

...

Like, fuck man. He really gets no affection whatsoever. 

I really would appreciate a series where a character is damaged due to trauma, and isn’t made to feel worthless because of that damage.

Please understand this: It is completely within your freedom to decide who you think is more of a traumatized character. No SWAT team is gonna come break down your door because you sympathize with our dear main character. Again, I love Guren, he’s my baby. The series would not be the same without him. He adds a lot of wonderful dialogue and guides Yuu with his demon in a very constructive way. 

This was solely my disdain towards the treatment of mental illness in characters. There needs to be better representation, and acknowledgement of their struggles. 

Thank you for reading this? I doubt anyone will haha I just wanted to rant. 

[lizk77]

Ten Years

This was actually originally posted on facebook around the end of the year. It began with my need to share my experience with others. I saw a few of those ‘10 years ago’ posts where people post a pic from back then and a recent one side by side. I tried that and realized I don’t really look much different. But the last decade of my life has certainly been the most meaningful of my life. This is very personal and discusses physical, mental and emotional abuse so if that’s a sensitive subject for you please don’t read. This is why I’ve been absent from tumblr and writing for so long.

I would also say this is not appropriate for anyone under the age of 18 due to adult themes.

It’s been 10 years. A decade. The most difficult yet meaningful decade of my life. When I think back to the person I was 10 years ago, I am amazed by the woman I’ve become today. I stand here at the end of the most difficult decade of my life and I’m proud. Proud of what I’ve accomplished, my strength and everything I’ve learned.

I began this decade feeling nearly suffocated by grief. I was no stranger to grief, but the loss of my mother was like the spiritual and emotional equivalent of having the wind knocked out of you. Pure, utter devastation. I was overwhelmed by my feelings. The whole world felt like a strange, scary place without my mother in it. In the months preceding her death I had tunnel vision, I focused on taking care of her and Emily and didn’t allow myself time to feel anything. So even though I knew she was dying, it didn’t really hit home until after she was gone. I instantly regretted that I didn’t focus more on enjoying my mother’s last months on this earth. I carry that regret with me still today. I should’ve had her teach me how to make her spaghetti sauce. I should’ve written down the recipe for parsley potatoes that she showed me how to make once but I haven’t been able to duplicate since. I should’ve asked her questions. Questions about my grandparents, about my dad, about when I was a baby. I should’ve had her French braid my hair every night. I miss that the most. I should’ve asked her how to be a good mother. What to do when my child is up at 3am puking down the hallway, all over the bed and the carpet. If I should take my kid to the hospital when she has something stuck up her nose, or how high of a fever is cause for alarm. There have been countless instances over the past decade where I would have given anything to be able to call her for guidance and support.

Grief has been the overwhelming emotion guiding me the past 10 years. I’ve learned that grief never ends. It changes, at first the feeling of loss is so raw that you just don’t know how you’ll ever be the same again. Then, over time, it evolves into every emotion. Grief can be happiness, sadness, anger and frustration. It can encompass all emotions at once. There are times even now when I just feel the loss of her all over again and in that moment I’m devastated all over again. I struggled with a lot of things after my mother’s death. I am still struggling with my faith. I have been angry at God for the past decade, so angry that I have neglected the spiritual well-being of my children. I have yet to figure out how to let that go.

I’ve always considered myself to be a strong, independent person. Life made me that way. I’ve experienced enough death, enough pain, enough abuse. Not long after the death of my mother, I was lured into a relationship that provided security. Financial security, which I had never had before. But I lost my strength. For 7 years I allowed my strength and independence to be stripped away. I was broken, ashamed, nobody knew what I was going through. Hell, I didn’t even realize the full extent of it. I was blind to the damage being caused not just to me, but to my children. I told myself our security was more important than our happiness. I realized after a while that I was wrong, but by then I didn’t know how to get out. I was afraid of losing everything.

Then it happened. The one thing I always said I would never tolerate. And yet, I found myself wishing it would happen. Because then I would have a reason. I watched my mother suffer the effects of physical abuse many times while I was a teenager. I vowed that I’d never let that happen to me. But once I was tangled in the web of my own abusive relationship, I began to realize that there are types of abuse that far surpass the physical. Bruises, cuts, even broken bones eventually heal. And it’s so easy to say, “He hit her? What a monster!” The abuse is very evident. But when you’re subjected to the whims of a narcissist, it’s very different. Everybody thinks they’re such a nice guy. They project an image of being loving and caring and happy. But the truth is they are even more of a monster than the guy who beats his wife. For seven years, I merely existed in his world. I tried as hard as I could to give him what he wanted and make him happy. Nothing I did was ever good enough. My daughters and I walked around our house on eggshells, not wanting to poke the sleeping giant. I tried to be the peacekeeper. Tried my best to keep his anger focused on me and not my girls. I told myself I could take it as he backed me into the bathroom, up against the shower wall, screaming at me with his face inches from mine. Spit flying everywhere. He called me worthless, accused me of cheating, told me I didn’t care about my children or the home we built for them.

And I stayed. Because I didn’t know how to leave. I didn’t think I could take care of my home and children on my own. I wasn’t strong enough. I was weak. I wasn’t good enough. After all, that’s what he had told me for 7 years. The day after one of our fights was always surreal. He acted like it never happened. Told me he loved me and he just needed to get his anger out or he’d explode. Like berating me and breaking me down was no big deal. And I would stand there in front of him, bewildered. Amazed by how really fucked up he was. But I stayed. I kept the peace and I stayed.

Until that night. When he hit me, it was like he knocked some sense into me. I remember the look on my daughter’s face after it happened. Tears welled up in my eyes as my baby looked at me with concern and asked if I was ok. I was not ok. Not at all. I saw myself in the face of my baby, saw the concern I felt for my mother all those years. And I drew strength from it. My mom would have been devastated to know what my life was like. I was her strong child, yet here I was broken and weak. I couldn’t let the same cycle repeat itself. I couldn’t let my kids grow up watching their mother being treated badly. I knew that if she were still alive, I would’ve gotten out sooner. She would’ve seen right through him. She would’ve known he was evil and I was miserable. She always did. She always knew. I used to hate that she was always right about my life and my feelings. But now that she’s gone, I truly miss her ability to tell me what’s wrong with my life. She always had a way of calling me out on my bad decisions. And she was the only one I listened too. The only opinion that really mattered.

So I decided to make a change. I called the cops and had him arrested. Then I went the very next day and filed an injunction for protection from abuse. He was gone. My oldest was already with her dad and my youngest went up north to stay with my aunt for awhile. I had two uninterrupted months to find myself again. I picked up the broken pieces of my life and focused on me. I spent time with friends. I went on dates. I lost a bunch of weight. I went out and experienced life beyond my couch. Gradually I began to feel like myself again. I regained my strength. But I also found myself grieving, once again. Despite everything I had been through, I missed my family. I worked hard for 7 years to build a life and it was gone. Of course I didn’t miss the abusive part of my relationship. But there were some things I missed. The feel of someone next to me in bed at night. Having someone to talk to about my day. Despite my decision to stay single and raise my daughters on my own, I found myself lonely at times. Sure I had been out on dates, but I told everyone up front that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I just wanted to keep things casual. Once you tell a guy that there’s really no way to take it back. Plus I had so much baggage. And I’m not talking about my kids. I’m talking about emotional baggage. I was a mess. I faked confidence that I didn’t have. Sure I was getting stronger, but healing takes time. How do you tell someone you just met that you just suffered through 7 years of narcissistic abuse? Without them thinking you’re totally crazy? You don’t. So I held it back. I tried to push it to the back of my mind and forget it was there.

It didn’t work. I decided to try something different. I talked about it. To everyone. Literally. Friends, co-workers, family, dates. Reactions were mixed. Most people were really supportive. Some were not. A lot of people just faded into the woodwork of my life at this point. They stopped texting me and returning my calls. I was upset by this at first, but soon discovered that letting it out was like lifting a huge weight off my shoulders. It was helping me heal. I was growing stronger each day. I have to thank each and every person who listened, even if they had a negative reaction. My healing was much quicker because I let all those feelings go rather than bottle them up. I know, crazy, right? Here I am, the cold-hearted one who buries their feelings deep down, sharing all my feelings with pretty much anyone who would listen. And something amazing happened. I started to smile more. I opened up to people. I started being honest and upfront with people about my feelings. Sure, I’m still hurting and healing, but I really feel transformed. I struggle, I have stress and anxiety, mostly about my children and finances. But I am happy. I am confident again. I know I’m a good person and learning how to let go of all the bad feelings and negativity created by my situation. Some days are good, some days aren’t. Some days I feel strong and on top of the world. Others I feel weak and broken. But the most important thing I’ve learned in the past decade is how to pick myself back up, dust myself off and rise above.

I don’t know what the next decade has in store for me. I know I will continue to focus on my inner growth and raising my children. I will figure out how to be happy and how to struggle less. I will also focus on developing honest and loving relationships with the people I care about. Respect and loyalty and communication are my top priority. My focus has to be me and my children. We come first. I refuse to allow any of us to be mistreated or abused. I will settle for nothing less and surround my family with people who are genuine and who care. This is my goal for the next ten years.

It will be the best years of my life.

Tagging: @allaboutchoices @innerpostmentality @bobasheebaby @sirbeepsalot @darley1101 @desiree---1986

I’m tagging just a few people I know. I won’t be offended if you don’t want to read or reblog.

[blueandgoldstella]

Hello everybody! I’m Sarah, I am 23 years old, and live in EST. This is my beloved OC, Stella. She happens to be one of my all time favorite characters of mine and I hope that y’all love her as much as I do. Below the cut is all the information you should know about her! I will say, there is some potentially triggering content so please be noted of that!

[ LAUREN JAUREGUI ] ( ✶:･ﾟ♦ — ▓ hey, guess what - i just saw STELLA VALDEZ by sweet water river, you know they’re SIXTEEN and a HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT who identifies themselves as FEMALE i sometimes hear people describe them as RECKLESS and STUBBORN but others say that they’re LOYAL and ADVENTUROUS . me personally? i’m wondering what they were doing at the scene of jason blossoms murder, alone.

TW: child neglect, child abuse, gang violence, murder, alcoholism, drug abuse 

 Alright, to start off firstly - Stella is what I’d like to consider a mixture of Kat Stratford and Fiona Gallagher. She’s also totally the mom friend and momma bear of the younger serpents lbr

FAMILY UPBRINGING/DYNAMIC:

 She is the oldest out of six children. Yes, six children. She has three brothers and two sisters.The birth order of the Valdez family is as follows: Stella (16 years old), Nick (13 years old), Avery (10 years old), Serenity  (7 years old), Evan (3 years old) and Rowan (4 months old).

The Valdez family has ultimately been labeled as that family on the Southside that ‘never stops growing’.  Basically, you blink - and there’s another member of that family.

Growing up, Stella has never came from a life of privilege. She’s never known of the concept of a trust fund or a comma in her bank account. For her, it always too small of clothes. Too cold of nights.  Too hungry of mornings. To be frank, she’s dirt poor. Always has been poor.

A majority of her younger years consisted of moving around, quite a bit. The places she grew up and lived in prior to Riverdale were not great by any means. They hardly had any furniture or personal belongings. They often consisted of a two bedroom apartment (if they were lucky) where Stella would find herself sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag because her family couldn’t afford actual beds. She wouldn’t actually have her own bed to call her own until she was over 10 years old.

She is of Cuban decent, having been born and spending the first years of her life in Miami, Florida.

Her parents grew up in the same neighborhood with one another, becoming close as teenagers, eventually starting to date once they were at the age of 16/17.

Her dad has had a criminal record ever since he was a young teen. Having been in and out jail throughout his life, even when he was a juvenile. He joined a gang within Miami when he was around the age of 13/14. As he grew older, he’d become more engulfed into gang life and what it involved.

Contrary to popular belief, Stella’s dad wasn’t always a terrible person or father. Yes, he has always done sketchy things but it was always because he needed to feed his family and provide for them.

When Stella was 5 years old and Nick was around the age of 3, they’d kiss Florida goodbye. One night, seemingly out of the blue, her dad came home late, extremely distressed, physically in bad shape, and shaken up, Stella and Nick had no idea what was going on, but they were told by their mom and dad to pack up enough things that would fit in the van and that they had to go. Completely fleeing the place they had been living at.

Unknown to them, their dad had an altercation with a rival gang that turned deadly. The rival gang members were trying to jump one of his ‘boy’s and Stella’s dad wasn’t going to have it. Having grown up with his fellow gang members, he had to be loyal to his guys. He ended up killing one of the members in the rival gang. Being afraid that his actions would put him and his family at risk, he had no other choice than to flee.

The death of the rival gang member eventually lead to her father becoming an alcoholic. This was a turning point in not only his life, but his family dynamic. This was a point in Stella’s life when she knew something changed and her parents weren’t truly her parents anymore. To this day, Stella still doesn’t know her dad killed a man.

When they fled Florida, they had little to nothing with them. They had very few belongings and no home. Their financial situation was at an all time low and for the next almost 3 years of her life her family was basically homeless; living out of the Friday van. She had dealt with temporary homelessness before, having to sleep in the family van for a few days or weeks at a time at the most. But, this would soon become months at a time. Stella had no idea where they were headed, but she knew Florida would never be their home again. They were lucky if they could spend a few nights at a time at homeless shelters and such. During this period in her life, she’d go days without eating full meals and the food she did have, she’d find giving to her siblings.

Before finding their way to Riverdale, her parents would fall into addictive tendencies, not putting the needs of their kids before that. This was a turning point for her when she came to realize that nine times out of ten, her parents were going to put their addictions before themselves. If she wanted to survive, she’d have to provide for herself and for her younger siblings.

She has learned to become a humble person and be thankful for the things that she does have. Even if it might not be much, she knows there is probably somebody way worse off than her. Living in the Sunnyside trailer park feels like luxury compared to the living conditions she was so used to during her childhood. 

Nobody knows much about Stella’s past prior to moving to Riverdale. It’s not like she’s ashamed of it, she just doesn’t want to remember that low point in her life, or for people to take pity on her. (Of course, I HC that some people would obviously have to know about her troubled upbringing, but I can’t imagine it would be all of Riverdale, nor the Southside).

Officially moved to the Southside of Riverdale when she was 9, almost 10.

Throughout her childhood, her parents have had on and off custody of her siblings. CPS has had to step in and turn her family upside down more than once. With her mom being an on and off drug addict and her dad having drinking issues, it has only created chaos.

As of right now, her mom is currently not in the picture. She ditched her family shortly after the birth of her sixth child. Her dad’s drinking habits has increased due to her absence (they were under control for a bit, long enough for him to find stable work within Riverdale. Now, they are getting out of hand once more, him on the verge of loosing the job he currently has). Also, her dad’s anger has worsened and he has chosen to take it out on his oldest daughter while he is strung out. Currently no one knows about the abuse she is suffering at home and Stella wants to keep it that way. If anybody were to get too involved, that could mean the kiddos getting taken away from her.

OTHER INFORMATION:

Stella is actually extremely smart and a borderline genius. She has always done well in school without trying hard. It’s all come natural to her. She has a 4.0 GPA in school and her teachers have high expectations for her.  

Stella has found ‘creative’ and ‘different’ ways to make money for her family. This includes doing other people’s homework/writing papers for them,  pick-pocketing, stealing, and scamming people out of money (with the help of her adorable little siblings). The ways she sees it - when you’re poor, the only way to make decent money is to steal it or scam it.

The girl, over the years, has found herself developing a love for cooking (mostly baking).  Aside from her non-conventional ways of making money, she works part time at a bakery on the Southside. It’s a job that she actually enjoys and she gets to score free bread and sweet-treats for her family. 

Along with baking, she loves to read. This girl can finish a book in what seems like seconds. She’s not really picky with genre's, ultimately just loving the escape that books bring to her. You can usually catch her reading a book in the mornings on her front porch of her trailer, cigarette and coffee alongside with her. 

She has dreams of possibly going to college and ultimately doing some good with her life. Either wanting to become a lawyer, working in the foster care system, or going for a business degree to open up her own bakery. But, even though she could get into some good colleges the thought of doing anything after HS doesn’t seem like a reality for her. She doubts she’ll be able to leave the Southside, as sad as it sounds. Plus, she has had the lingering thought of when she officially turns eighteen, becoming an official guardian (or possibly fighting to fully adopt) her younger siblings. She vowed to herself a long time ago that her family was going to come before anything, including herself. Her siblings future and well-being are more important than her own. All she wants is for them to have a wonderful future as they grow older and she is willing to do whatever it takes to do so. Even if it means putting herself on the back burner and not doing the things she, deeps down, desperately wants to achieve and accomplish for herself. 

The Serpents have became the family she never knew she needed. She’s always been close to her southside neighbors and such, but eventually found herself joining when she was a young teen (age 14). She’s fully involved with them now and would do anything for her fellow Serpents.  She’d literally take the shirt off her back for her Southside family (but especially the Serpents). Even if her trailer may be tiny and always chaotic, her door is always open for a place to crash, to eat, or the such.

She’s never ‘too’ fond of the Northsiders due to have always been judged by them due to her lack of money and large family.

She drives an extremely old and beat up ‘mom van’ that she named Clifford. She can be seen toting around her younger siblings in it with pride. Please note though: Stella is a terrible, terrible driver. This bitch is constantly running over curbs and such. It’s a shock she passed her driving test in the first place.

[hollenka99]

Lost and Found

Summary: Jameson spends time with his kids, creates one of his most famous shorts and a jazz singer threatens to kill the Jolly Gentleman.

Warnings: Reference to blackface, 

September 10, 1923 Dear Mother,

Already, Anthony is in middle school. He has begun attending Joseph Le Conte Middle School. They only began admitting students last year. Therefore, his class is only the second to join the school at sixth grade. I asked him what he thought of this but he seems to be nonchalant to a degree.

In your last letter, you spoke of your hands. I am empathetic. I understand not wanting time to leave you behind. For you, it is the inability to sew because of your osteoarthritis. For me, it's the inability to speak properly due to my vocal cord paresis. I am willing to bet genuine dollars that they will discover a way to incorporate sound into the pictures and make the shift within a decade. I have half-heartedly made peace with my limitations. I fear it's long due that you do the same with yours.

Don't make any dolls for any of your younger granddaughters, not if it is guaranteed to be at your expense. If you're dead set on sending such a gift, ask Mabel to help you with crafting it. Please don't abuse yourself. That is the last thing any of us wishes for.

Yours, Jameson

December 4, 1923 Dear Jameson,

I recall you saying Floyd was a 'ghastly name'. I am guessing you never said that to Clifford. I doubt you ever will now. Especially with his birthday and Christmas almost upon us.

Yours, Mabel

December 18, 1923 Dear Mabel,

Please do not bring that up. When he announced the name to us, I held my tongue. Why Floyd? Of all the names he could have chosen to bestow upon his son, why is God's name did he pick Floyd? Not only that, what on earth possessed him to prefer Floyd to Lloyd? Lloyd is a perfectly good name, it is practically the same and I am sure it is more popular too. Who even calls their child Floyd anymore? By my guess, this time next century, Floyd will grow so unpopular in favour of Lloyd that it will be a rare occurrence to meet one.

Still, he is our nephew. I do struggle to imagine how he went from Louise to Floyd. Louise is such a pretty name for a girl. When Siobhan was pregnant with Sophia, it was one of the names we considered. If in two months we have another daughter, we may opt for Grace, Victoria or Eleanora, now that Louise is off the table. Should you also have a daughter next month, I'd ask you not to steal those names. This business is already tricky enough without reducing our options.

If Floyd wishes to change his name once he comes of age, I won't blame the boy.

Yours, Jameson

Harriet Victoria Jackson Female February 8, 1924 Los Angeles Siobhan O'Hara Jameson Jackson

February 9, 1924 Dear Mother,

We have finally been blessed with the second daughter we had been hoping for. Therefore, six grandchildren is all you're getting out of me. At least there won't be any more debates between myself and Siobhan.

We've given her the name Harriet Victoria. She was born late last night which, yes, means her birthday is February 8th. I was aware it was a possibility but I convinced myself the chances were unrealistically smaller. I don't seem to have much luck when it comes to when my daughters are born, do I? If they're not being born far too early, they're born on what should have been their uncle's 44th birthday.

Her name is deliberate. We both like Harriet and Victoria but couldn't decide between them, among other contenders. We almost picked Eleanora. However, once she was actually born, Harriet Victoria seemed to be the perfect combination. It is fitting for her birthday.

Yours, Jameson

April 29, 1924 Pearl,

Do you mind fixing the stitches on Sophia's new doll? Mother barely managed to get the thing to stay intact. With her osteoarthritis, I'm surprised she got as far as she did.

I don't want to rush you but I would prefer if it was done quickly. I spun a tale about the doll needing the night to get used to America. Sophia believes the toy is going to explore our sitting room as she sleeps.

I am sorry for asking this of you at such short notice. You know how I hate to be a burden. With your expertise, there is no doubt you will do a fine job.

You have my eternal thanks, Jameson

May 1, 1924 Dear Mother,

On Sophia's behalf, I'd like to thank you for the doll you made for her birthday. She adores and refuses to part with it. You certainly succeeded in making her happy.

She may love it unconditionally but it makes me uneasy. I know it must have caused a great deal of pain to make it. Your hands aren't the same as they were when I was six years old. You were even struggling when I was preparing to get married. That was 14 years ago. You should stop pushing your hands past their limits. It must hurt you to do basic tasks such as cooking. Why would you deliberately put yourself through it for your granddaughter's sake? You could have gotten Mabel to do the stitching for you. Sophia would not treasure the doll any less.

Hoping you are caring for yourself, Jameson

July 13, 1924 Jameson,

Would you be able to visit Saint John this summer? I feel this may be your last chance to bid farewell to the house we grew up in.

The truth is I am debating whether I should sell it. I know, it is a major development that possibly seems to have come from nowhere. In actuality, this has been on my mind for a while. Edward keeps me in better comfort than our parents did. This isn't about increasing our prospects. I'd never be that selfish. The issue is our mother. She can't stay there forever. Half the time, I'm visiting her to help with the chores she cannot do any longer.

She is stubborn though. I'm afraid that is a trait you've gotten from her. It isn't like you were the only one she passed that irritating habit to. We all have first-hand experience with that. I am coaxing her with unlimited access to my children. I'd like to believe that aspect is causing her resolve to slowly wane. Nevertheless, she wishes to stay in the home she's lived in since the 70s. No reminder of Granny living with us sways her either. She only replies with the fact her own mother lived the entirety of her widowhood without requiring to move to her child's house. What Mother neglects to acknowledge is that Grandma's husband was a headmaster while she ended up marrying a labourer. The difference in salaries is considerable. By this point, I can only assume the largest factor is vanity. God forbid she has to end up like her mother-in-law.

I spoken to Edith. She has supported my argument. Infuriatingly, Mother doesn't see her viewpoint as entirely valid anymore. Since announcing her impending marriage, Mother hasn't been quite as warm towards Edith. She states the only connection they share is Edith's daughters. Expressing my opinions is futile.

Still, my offer stands. Visit the house before anything is finalised. After all, she cannot remain in that house alone. I will have to sell that house despite not wanting to part with it either. The three of you in California can easily pay the bills for her with your routine sending of money to Canada. As much as I wish finances were the issue, therefore making my plans unnecessary, it is instead her health. Unless some madman attempts to replace her hands with a younger version, there is no other option for her other than to partially relinquish her independence.

Wishing you well, Mabel

July 30, 1924 Mabel,

The three of us have been discussing this matter between us. We agree with you. However, we think there is a better solution. One of us could buy the house from you. That way, Mother will live with you and be under your care but none of us will have to bid farewell to such an important part of our lives.

Tell us when it would best suit you for us to arrive in Saint John for any negotiations necessary.

Yours, Clifford, Jameson and Pearl

November 6, 1924 Dear all,

I came across a compilation of Wilfred Owen's poetry recently. I decided to buy the book. It is fitting for this time of year.

'Dolce et Decorum Est' struck a nerve with me. I was angered by the message but not in disagreement. In fact, I could hardly read past the second stanza. I was fine with the imagery of soldiers marching across the trenches wearily. However, it is difficult to read a description of a man 'drowning' from gas when your own brother suffered a similar fate. I don't know whether the type of gas mentioned in the poem is the same Harvey inhaled but the vivid image is harrowing to picture nonetheless. Yet, I persevered and reached the end. The last two rhyming couplets forced me to sit in my chair simply to absorb them fully. A Latin phrase is used, translating into 'It is sweet and fitting to die for one's country'. Never was there a saying so incorrect.

I enquired about Owen himself, only to learn the poor bastard met his end a week before the war met its own. A year younger than Pearl too. I'm glad his loved ones strived to publish his poems. People should read them and have a better understanding of what those men truly experienced. There was that ridiculous propaganda poster several years ago that I always hated. It was the one with two children asking their father what he did during the war, implying he did not enlist and was therefore less of a man. If any of my six were to question me, I'd tell them I tried to bring some laughter to such tragic times. That is an admirable feat to attempt.

I'll leave you with the lines that moved me.

My friend, you would not tell in such high zest To children ardent for some desperate glory, The old lie: Dulce et decorum est Pro patria mori.

Yours, Jameson

January 9, 1925 Dear all,

Yesterday, we returned home from our holiday visit to Ireland. It's been too long since I set foot in the country. Siobhan has taken the children to see their grandfather and uncle occasionally. Unfortunately, there never ceases to be something or other preventing me from taking my leave to join them. Until now, that is.

The chorea has begun to set in, leaving his handling of utensils clumsy. Throughout our stay, Michael was as irritable and impulsive as Henry or Theodore can be in their worst moments. He is in the intermediate stage, their father tells me. He has also relayed to me how my brother-in-law's dependence on him is increasing, some examples of which I have witnessed first-hand. Having never met an individual with the condition, I must say it was quite the shock. Siobhan warned me about he may behave. I still wasn't prepared. Neither, it seems, was Siobhan. Though, that is to be expected. After all, Michael is her brother.

Siobhan pulled me to one side last night, shortly after we sent the children to their own beds. She asked if I was willing to let her return to Limerick once the time comes for her father to require assistance. I understand it's expected for her to 'obey' me as her husband but the notion I would deny her request is preposterous. This Christmas wasn't some experiment to sway my views. Her brother is chronically ill and, however much we wish it wasn't the case, he is most certainly going to die from his illness. How could I refuse to allow her to help a dying man, especially when he is family?

I will say this, I am dreading her leaving. Although it may be years away right now, she will have to leave. I am going to miss her dearly when she does. Not only that, when she finally returns to us, there's no doubt the experience will change her. I am unequipped to provide her with adequate comfort.

Yours, Jameson

May 14, 1925 Dear Mother,

I seem to be in a creative slump. All I ever seem to do is adapt previous works or allow my writings be based on historical events. Everyone appears to be interested in creating another story inspired by cowboys and the wild west. The local landscape allows for that. I don't particularly care for the genre.

Anthony is at that awkward age where I can no longer use him as a child nor can I pass him off as a young man yet. He's enquiring if there are any roles he can fill. I despise having to constantly turn him down. The boy wants to follow in my footsteps professionally. I have the power to help with that, provide him with an advantage most won't have. It frustrates me when I am unable to do so.

If you have any plot ideas to send me, especially ones that involve a thirteen year old boy, I'd be much obliged.

Yours, Jameson

August 16, 1925 Dear all,

We spent a few days to see the Redwoods in North California. I've been wanting to come face to face with them for a while. They are larger than I'd expected, this coming from someone who had already braced himself for a massive tree. To some's disappointment, they are impossible to climb due to their width and lack of low-lying branches.

It's good that we've shown them nature. They're being raised in a city, same as their parents, and not exposed to woods or rivers. Sophia thrives in this environment. Henry usually sticks by her so he has a better chance of coming across wild animals. Theodore tags along as well, likely to be part of their group. I usually asked Anthony to keep an eye on them whenever we were preoccupied with Harriet or the dogs. We didn't bring Lyra with us, unfortunately. At her age, she wouldn't have enjoyed all the stress of travelling.

I recall promising to stay by Sophia's side should she ever need the company when she was born. Instead, I'm giving her things to keep her busy because she broke her leg while exploring near our campsite. She's trying her hand at whittling which she has taken to thus far. Additionally, Theodore stole a potato from his dinner plate a few days ago. It's since had pins stuck in it and a smiling face drawn on one side. He has been named George. I will have to dispose of George when he stops looking so fresh.

Yours, Jameson

October 6, 1925 Dear all,

After asking around, I have found an outlet that will suit both Sophia and Henry. It's an organisation founded roughly 15 years ago by a British couple. It encourages children to develop into upstanding citizens through earning badges and camping. The Americans adopted it not long after. Canada must have introduced the organisation earlier than the US, considering it's part of the Empire.

Girl Scouts begin at age 5 with Brownies, which I understand to be mythical creatures. When she is 10, Sophia will move on to become an Intermediate and thereafter a Senior after her 14th birthday. Likewise, Cubs are the first stage of Boy Scouts until the boy turns 11 whereupon he will be promoted to a Scout.

The two of them look smart in their uniforms, don't you think? The photographs were taken as soon as they returned home from their first meetings. They're demonstrating their variants of the salute. Girl Scouts have their three fingers to the side while Boy Scouts are more militaristic by having their hand next to their head.

They enjoyed their first meetings so hopefully, this is a sign their enrollments were a successful move.

Yours, Jameson

November 10, 1925 Dear all,

Has 'Carving For Beginners' reached you at the Imperial yet? I am hoping to learn of your reactions as soon as possible.

This short heavily involves the children. For instance, the pumpkins at the front? Those are all carved by Oliver and Sophia. Henry scooped along with Theodore. For some reason, Sophia specifically wants credit for the wide one. The accompanying music? Siobhan's own composition. Anthony is the one who hands me the knife halfway through.

Can you guess who was responsible for clean up? That's correct, myself and Siobhan. I will give Anthony credit where it is due. We were all meant to take part in the disposal of waste materials. While the others wandered off after becoming bored, he stayed behind to finish the job. We couldn't finish fast enough. My love for preparing pumpkins with the children just about surpasses my hatred for the smell. The Gentleman doesn't exaggerate on that.

Some of the title cards were inspired by things that happened while the five of them were preparing the pumpkins. Ollie struggled to get the lid off his pen and begrudgingly accepted my help. The pumpkin screams after the Jolly Gentleman makes the first cut because Theodore held one in front of his face before roaring like he was some pumpkin monster.

I wrote this short for them, almost as if the Jolly Gentleman was instructing them on the practise. I cannot express how much fun I've had whilst making it. I should make another short involving them behind the scenes before sound is introduced to film. I'll likely wait a couple years so Harriet may be old enough to be included.

Still detecting the faint smell of pumpkin somewhere, Jameson

February 24, 1926 Dear Mother,

Recently, I've been reflecting on the events of February 1897. A lot happened. I became afflicted with something we had never come across previously. There was a race for Father and Harvey to get their wages. I played soccer with Clifford before he sent me to bed because my heart was beating unnaturally fast. Harvey sprinted whilst carrying me because he was a faster runner than Father and I woke delirious that morning. Then, after all that, we celebrated your birthday while I was recovering from the operation.

This is somewhat of a tangent but do you recall me saying I was stuck for ideas? I have one but I'd be extremely surprised if you approved of it. It involves a boy named James and his twin sister Olivia, eternally nine and two years of age. Their names are non-negotiable. If they are grounds enough for you to think less of me then I'm sorry to hear that. But this censorship outstayed its welcome years ago.

I want to honour her. I think you forget I came close to losing a daughter myself. I respect that isn't the same but I'm certainly closer to understanding than Mabel, Clifford or Pearl. The story won't be published in your lifetime either, if at all. This project is for my benefit.

I apologize for being blunt but I am not prepared to stay silent on the matter any longer. I promise it will be tasteful.

Yours, Jameson

April 30, 1926 Dear all,

Would you say I am an irresponsible father for bestowing my daughter a penny knife for her eighth birthday? Fear not, I haven't thrown caution to the wind.

There are some conditions Sophia must adhere to if she wishes to make full use of her present. She cannot use it without one of us supervising nor can she have it on her person when she isn't working with it. It will be securely stored away during those times, somewhere her brothers and Harriet are unable to access it either.

In the very least, this will save our kitchen knives from being used to artistically mutilate sticks. Working with wood seems to be her calling at the moment. She will whittle and craft wooden figures whether we approve or not. We may as well give her the tools so she may move past this phase to seek safer pursuits.

Henry questioned if he was receiving a similar present in September. Certainly not.

Yours, Jameson

August 2, 1926 Dear Mother,

Well, we've returned to the place it all began. The journey was a little chaotic with a party of eight travelling the width of the country. If anything, our time in New York has made me realise it's been a while since I relied solely on a bicycle for transport.

Ollie sounds like he has set himself high standards for his future. When he overheard his mother and I discussing the city while planning the trip, he became interested in learning more about Julliard. Now he's seen the building, he's motivated to attend. I've advised him to slow down a notch. He's still in elementary school. If anyone should be considering their education past their eighteenth birthday, it should be Anthony. Even so, he still has a few more days of being thirteen and won't begin high school until next month.

The time for college is not yet upon any of them. Should Oliver wish to apply to Julliard in several years and be accepted, I will be exceptionally proud of him. Even more so if he finds success thereafter. Moving to America at the age of 18 was risky, even with my brother by my side. I can't imagine moving to the other side of the country alone at that age. Still, if we were able to make things work in our favour, I can't see why Ollie can't.

And how could we visit New York without checking in on our favourite statue? When I retold the story of our joint trip to the Statue of Liberty and the revelation I had during it, the reactions were mixed. I don't mind. The only person whose approval of the story I need is Siobhan's.

Yours, Jameson

September 19, 1926 Dear all,

Today marks 20 years since Cliff and I first settled in New York. That city changed our lives in more ways than one. Despite all the grief we got from Edison's lot and their schemes, I look back on New York fondly. I'm glad I went there this summer. Due to all this reminiscing, I managed to dig out all my old records. Let me tell you, it was quite the trip down Memory Lane. I was almost 20 years old again.

'Streets of New York' was the first ever song I heard Siobhan sing, you know. Later, once we'd gotten to know each other, she confessed to me the song made her uncomfortable. Given its contents, I am not entirely surprised. That song earned her a lot of unwelcome attention. I can only imagine how many men asked her which street they could associate her with. In fact, she admitted to me earlier she was wary of me when I first approached her.

'Arrah Wanna', now that is a song. Oh, I remember how 'Mrs Barney, heap much Carney from Killarney's Isle' used to be my favourite sentence, even more so when Siobhan said it. Whenever I visited her apartment, she'd sing it in the thickest brogue she could muster in an effort to make me laugh. In response, I'd try impress her by playing 'Frog Legs Rag'. That tune's not an easy one. Good for a dance though. 'The Entertainer' as well. I think we played those two together on various occasions.

All of these songs mean a lot to me. However, none of the above could claim the title of my favourite of the era. That undoubtedly goes to 'The Galloping Major'. I cannot count the amount of times Cliff would play while I acted the part of the Major himself.

One time, likely at some point during 1907, the two of us spent an evening drinking. We may have recounted the Major's misadventures a little too enthusiastically. Our landlord paid us a visit after hearing complaints from our neighbours. How could we be too loud? Gramophones possess just two volume settings: On and Off. They've only devised a way to change that recently. Nevertheless, as soon as we rid ourselves of him, Clifford sang 'Nobody' and 'Moving Day' as loudly as his voice allowed him. I must have attacked the keys to match him.

On reflection, I'm surprised we weren't evicted for being highly disruptive under the influence. Not to mention Cliff was barely of age to drink so I certainly wasn't. The man could have landed me in dire trouble if he so wished. It's a good thing he was ignorant enough to believe I went about my day lacking sandwiches to picnics. I would have been fine in California. College freshmen could drink alcohol before the prohibition.

I noticed Anthony's face blanked when he truly listened to the lyrics. Yes, I'm afraid the song he associates with me giving him piggy-back rides when he was small isn't quite as innocent as he recalls. On the other end of the spectrum, Theodore probably has a year or so before he becomes too big for me to carry him as well.

Yours, Jameson

November 1, 1926 Dear all,

I've just read about Houdini in the papers. On my birthday, no less. What an odd coincidence. Although, the method of death appears to elude the reporters. I'm sure those who deal with this sort of thing need time to come to their conclusions. The man only died yesterday. Not everything is so obvious. I do, however, like to entertain the idea it'll remain as much of a mystery as his methods were in life. It seems fitting.

When I saw him, he'd recently retired his handcuff act due to an increase in imitators. Was it 1908 or '09? I can't recall. Definitely before we left New York. I took Siobhan with me to see him. The atmosphere that day was so good I almost wish I could revisit it. All these posters, promising you that 'Failure Means a Drowning Death' got us riled up for a great show. During his Milk Can routine, he'd invite an audience member or two on stage to hold their breath with him. Neither of us were lucky enough to be involved that way. I will say, the curtains were a bit of a cop-out on his part. His shows must have been more exciting when you could watch him escape.

He retired the Milk Can too. I always did plan to see his act once more. I would have liked to witness him escaping from that Water Tank of his for myself. Work, family and life in general prevented me from doing so. That's how it is sometimes.

Regardless, I hope his family will be allowed to grieve in private. I suspect Hardeen will carry on performing without his brother. He always came across as the plus one to me. I'm sure I remember seeing posters referring to him as 'Brother of Houdini'. Hardeen was the one who opened the curtains during acts. He made worthy contributions himself. Perhaps this unfortunate turn of events will allow the public to see that for themselves.

Yours, Jameson

December 30, 1926 Dear all,

Christmas in our household has been another success. Theodore, especially, has found himself quite happy with his lot. We bought him Winnie The Pooh by A. A. Milne. It tells some tales of a bear having fun with his friends, who know him as 'Pooh', in the woods they live in. I bet he would have dragged his two favourite siblings to go find sticks to throw into a stream, had we not stopped him. The next time we are in Saint John, I will make sure I bring the three of them to play this stick game on Reversing Falls Bridge.

Sophia has requested if she may have some felt and stuffing for a 'special project'. I'm looking forward to seeing what she creates for him. You'd be proud of how much her skill with a needle is improving. Not only that, I'm certain Theodore will enjoy the handmade gift too.

Nevertheless, I hope you had a good Christmas and we all wish you a pleasant 1927.

Yours, Jameson

April 14, 1927 Dear Mother,

A young woman arrived in Los Angeles with her brother several days ago. They waited for us outside the studios when we were heading to work. They are in California because she has applied to the school of medicine in Stanford. They claim they wished to see the state properly before she moves to Stanford later this year. Their journey must have been long seeing as Stanford is hours away by train and the duo hail from New York City.

Clara doesn't look anything like Clifford but there is something about her that strikes me as odd. I cannot explain it. When she smiles, I am immediately reminded of Father. It is nearly identical. If you saw it, I am sure you would make the same connection. While she doesn't appear to have inherited more of her looks from either parent, Daniel very much has gotten his appearance from his mother, at least from how I remember her.

Daniel, from what Cliff has relayed to me, is interested in pursuing studies in business once he is his sister's age. He shares that quality with his father, it seems. Back when we were living in New York and founding what was then Jackson Brothers Productions, I may have been the one overseeing things from the ground but Cliff has always been the one truly adopting the leadership role. I sincerely hope his boy succeeds in any business endeavours he sets his mind to.

The biggest mystery to me is how the two of them are 18 and 15 respectively. I was aware Clara is a year older than Alice and Daniel has a year on Anthony. That knowledge doesn't translate to actually seeing them before me as young adults. It is incomprehensible to me that the young children I once knew are practically adults now. At 14, Anthony is fast maturing to the point of becoming a man. I had been under the assumption that he would be the first Jackson to attend college. Yet, here he is, presumably demoted to the position of third. He appears to be slightly disappointed to have lost his bragging rights. I've reminded him all is not lost, he can still truthfully say he was one of the first in our family to receive a degree. Even so, he has no clue what exactly he wishes to study when the time comes.

Clifford has advised them to visit Canada if they ever found the opportunity. If they are willing to reach out to their father, they may be willing to extend that to his family. For now, they have returned to the east so they may celebrate Easter with their mother.

He has also refused to cease speaking about the few days he was able to spend with them. My ears are half spoken off from his ecstasy. I won't complain. He has regained a vigour he lost so long ago I'd forgotten he had ever possessed it in the first place. I have enjoyed acquainting myself with his eldest children. Some of my children briefly met their cousins as well. Henry has been enthusiastic about the discovery of Clara pursuing a career in medicine. He already plans to write to her on the subject.

Yours, Jameson

June 1, 1927 Dear all,

I am set to become a father for the seventh time shortly before Christmas. I know, we had planned for Harriet to be our youngest. It's always the way, isn't it?

We are hoping for another girl, purely because Siobhan would prefer the boy-girl ratio to even out. I wouldn't mind either but another daughter sounds appealing. Whichever sex the child is, I won't get to see their earliest years.

Michael's condition is worsening. I suspect he has a handful of years left. As such, Siobhan will move back to Limerick to help her father care for him. She plans to leave in January. I know she would go earlier, were she not pregnant. There is no way she would leave the baby with me. An infant needs its mother. As such, you won't be able to meet them until after she returns.

Nevertheless, I don't wish to dwell on the negative. The birth is months away. I will have to make the most of the short weeks with this new addition before I have to bid them and Siobhan farewell for an indefinite period.

Yours, Jameson

September 8, 1927 Dear Mother,

Theodore has entered kindergarten but instead of being excited, he is feeling down because Oliver has now begun his time at Joseph Le Conte. I don't understand why he is so upset by this. It is not as if school is the only place he could see his brother. Theodore acts as if he does not have Sophia and Henry at Selma Avenue also. They're in 4th and 2nd grade respectively. If this has anything to do with having a brother at the top of the elementary hierarchy, what can I say? He will do fine with those two looking out for him.

If anything, he should strive to avoid finding himself in as much trouble as they do. The two of them got a caning across their hands in the summer after an incident with a sparrow caused them to skip a class. While I sympathise with them, discipline is there for a reason. Better a ruler now than an actual cane later. I could tell them a story or two about the times I've returned to my desk for an uncomfortable remainder of the day. Knowing the trouble Cliff got himself into, he can probably beat me tenfold in regards to anecdotes.

What's worse than all that is the fact we are still very much missing Lyra. Holly and Woodrow may be able to fit on our laps but that doesn't compare to the way Lyra would curl up besides the children when they played on the floor. It broke my heart to have her put down. Siobhan loved her slightly more than I did. After all, Lyra was meant to be her dog and she spent more time with Lyra than I did.  She was always a sweetheart and so gentle towards the children, even when they were young and not so gentle towards her. Holly and Woodrow also appear to be missing her. Still, she was thirteen and I could see old age was bothering her. Human and canine alike are sticking by each other's side to comfort ourselves with the other's company.

Yours, Jameson

October 18, 1927 Dear all,

The future of the pictures has finally come.

Despite everything, I'm not bitter enough to ask you don't give the Warner brothers your money. Truth be told, 'The Jazz Singer' isn't terrible. Although, I still retain the opinion that blackface looks ridiculous. Actors need to improve their make up or find a genuine black person who wants to act. I haven't come across one yet. The majority of them sing instead. They write great music too.

It doesn't matter. I'm going to try not be impressed we now have the technology to have dialogue and singing all synchronised to the visuals. It's over, what more is there for me to say on the matter? I'm on borrowed time professionally. My Gentleman is going to be left to gather dust.

It's ironic, isn't it? My youngest child will grow up not watching silent pictures when their father was a big name of the era. I almost want to laugh at that.

Failing to be optimistic, Jameson

Eleanora Margaret Jackson Female December 11, 1927 Los Angeles Siobhan O'Hara Jameson Jackson

December 31, 1927 Dear all,

How was your Christmas?

Mine was spent making the most of my time with my third daughter. We've named her Eleanora, although she'll be known as Nora. She is going to be 3 weeks old tomorrow.

I have little over a week left with Nora. Every time one of my children was born, I enjoyed having them in my arms. I loved wondering what kind of individual they would become. Doing so with Nora causes a faint, unexplainable dread to rise in me. Many of her firsts will be on Irish soil, far away from me. Who is to say she won't return and be literate.

I know I have six other children, all of whom are dependent on me to varying degrees. I just can't stop hating the feeling of missing out. Like the rest of them, I want to be as much of a part of Nora's life as I am able. I suppose I should think of Siobhan. Lord knows how much she will miss. I lose one but she won't be able to see six. I really should stop these foolishly selfish thoughts.

Wishing you a happy new year, Jameson

[lysitheaioandeuropa]

All the vday questions ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

happy vday sis!!!!!

1: Do you have a crush at the moment?- eh, kind of. lmao

2: Have you ever been deeply in love?- 50005% yes. god that can do shit to your heart bro

3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in?- 2 years seems to be my typical expiration date

4: Have you ever changed for someone?- i have changed something for someone, yes

5: How is your relationship with your ex?- nonexistent lmfao

6: Have you ever been cheated on?- not that i know of

7: Have you ever cheated?- unfortunately

8: Would you date someone who’s well known for cheating?- probably not

9: What’s the most important part of a relationship?- everything that comes to mind are all equally important

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?- oh it rly depends if the mood strikes or what. i’m usually not into relationships at all and when i get into them they come at me so fucking left field and next thing i know i’m planning a future and shit. it’s literally only happened a couple of times

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”?- i believe in needing space and if someone says they need it then maybe they should be warranted that much.

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?- it’s 2k18 and you’re really still asking for a body count

13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?- i regret not being completely honest about my wants/needs

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?- “kids” shouldn’t be having sex, lol. but idk, whatever floats their boat. 16?

15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”?- if it’s likelegal and within reason, yes. and rly does depend on the dynamic considering that a lot of the time it isn’t genuine and is a power move.

16: Do you believe in “love at first sight”?- maybe not love, but the way my heart did summersaults when she first smiled at me? incredible.

17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet?- been there done that, yes. it works out

18: What do you consider a deal breaker?- idk, i’m pretty open minded. but snooping is definitely one lmao

19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship?- i don’t.

20: Are you currently in a relationship?- is that what they call it nowadays?

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?- i think there is room for attempt. but it is difficult to work out

22: Do you think people should date their friends?- if they grow genuine feelings for one another, of course

23: How many relationships have you had?- 4?

24: Do you think love can last forever?- i do not fucking know bro, i doubt that shit daily like i wonder how people rly be out here in love for 50 years

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?- nah fam, wtf

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of?- nope

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?- stop forcing shit, don’t date boys you just are not that into, and when you are into one really sit down and think about that bc it’s not normal to think they’d be perfect if only they were a woman

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?- yes

29: What do you notice first about another person?- physical appearance usually. first think i noticed about her was her height, then her face, then her smile

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?- i think pan is most accurate; i can be physically attracted to just about anyone, and not just “two genders” as bi entails. i do have a muuuch stronger leaning toward women though, so i just say i’m gay it rly covers all bases

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?- i don’t think it would and i think/know i could be understanding and supportive. however, i can see how it can take a toll on someone normal, so i can’t imagine on myself, with everything i already have as well. we’d both need to have very healthy coping skills and be getting help and working/communicating with one another, especially if i’m already doing all of the above, they certainly should as well

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?- yes and it sucked. thank GOD it was a bit short lived. he is hands down my worst, slimiest ex and just no i would never again

33: Do you want to get married one day?- i don’t fucking know

34: What do you think about getting your partner’s name tattooed?- fuck no

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?- most likely cannot, but it depends on me, my sex drive is all over the place but has been more steady recently

36: Are you still a virgin?- nah

37: What’s more important: Looks or personality?- both are, but i might go with personality

38: Do you enjoy love films?- no i don’t lol horror all the way

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?- not roses, but other flowers yes

40: Have you ever had a valentine?- this year i had two lmao (one of them was my roommate before y'all wanna assume i’m hoein’ since that’s how y'all are)

41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”?- we’re sitting in a blanket, on a rooftop, with the view of the space needle and mountains and cityscape in front of us. fleetwood mac is playing in the background and we’re singing along. i’m laying in her lap, she’s playing with my hair and we’re holding hands. we’re alone, and talking about our future, and our dream house, and things to do together when we’re back home. maybe sandy is with us, considering she’s so well behaved. we’re telling each other stories we haven’t shared with one another yet, and every now and again we share deep and lingering kisses. she’s looking at me like i am literally the only person on earth and there is so much love in her eyes and it is 1000% mutual. her smile and her laughter alone bring me joy. i tell her how much i love her, how she means the entire world to me, and she tells me the same. we stay on the rooftop and watch the sunset over the city and my heart is just so, so, so full. i know she’s right next to me, and we can’t get any closer, but something inside still makes me miss her and yearn for her. we share one last kiss before we leave the seclusion of the rooftop, and walk our way back to our room, taking in more of the sights. we have a glass of wine together, or coffee (since that’s our thing), and we’re together freely, without side glances or judgement on either of us. she’s the light of my life; we’re happy.

42: Have you ever read “Romeo & Juliet”?- more than once

43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends?- depends really, i think you need balance

44: Would you consider yourself “romantic”?- idk about romantic but i can be nice? lol

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?- i would date this one girl in a heartbeat LMAO, but just bc she is dead ass a 10/10. besides that fuck no all my friends are way too fucking emotional and just not my type and just no. the guys aren’t much of a step up

46: Have you ever been “friendzoned”?- lmao, in middle school but i wasn’t too hurt by it, they were cool to be friends with. (if i were a nigga i feel like this answer would be far from this)

47: Which “famous couple” is your favorite?- i used to stan johnny and winona. besides that i really don’t care enough

48: What’s your favorite love song?- 505. lmao idk if that even counts. dreams by fleetwood mac (even tho it is kinda a break up song but i love it)

49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?- so i have been told

50: If you’re single, why do you think you are?51: Would you rather date someone who’s rich but a douchebag or someone who’s poor but a nice guy?- there are levels to this shit, how much of a douche bag is he really? does he just neglect me but i have access to all the money? bc i would do that.

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships?- no considering my advice is always “dump him. drop them. leave her” lmao. it has gotten me into trouble a number of times

53: Are you jealous of couples when you’re single?- my niggaaaaa, FAR from it lmao. i really fucking THRIVE when i’m alone, but even relationship me looks at other couples like “tsk tsk”

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on facebook)?- on social media, not really. though i would be skeptical of someone who goes out of their way to deliberately not post their partner

55: Would you consider yourself “clingy”, “overly attached” or “jealous”?- i can be, but i do chose to hardly ever act on it. shit will irk me and i will know it is irrational or dumb or makes no sense so i’ll try to dismiss it myself, mostly for fear of being called crazy for having and displaying the emotions i’m going through but it is what it is

56: Have you ever “destroyed” a relationship?- i have. not malintentionally

57: Do you think it’s silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?- no, not at all. all things considered if someone already has mental health issues a bad breakup can trigger a relapse in depression - etc. is it rational and a good thing? fuck no. but i wouldn’t take it as lightly as to call it silly and dismiss it. get yourself or the other person help.

58: Are you the “dominant” or the “submissive” part in a relationship?- independent as fuck but not tryna step on my partner’s toes either. i think we both have to be dominant. maybe me a bit more. (also, i am soooo talking in regards to personalities and not sex for you weirdos out there).

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner’s birthday or your anniversary?- i have not, i can still give you exact dates from years ago

60: What’s your opinion on open relationships?- none of my business if it floats your boat

61: Who’s more important: Your partner or your family?- i am by far the least family oriented person in existence so, my partner.

62: How do you define “cheating”?- anything your partner doesn’t want you doing;any boundaries you wouldn’t want crossed

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?- no. maybe i bit unexpected if anything if you guys live together and can have sex/try new things on a daily basis

64: Do you think Valentine’s Day is overrated?- it’s whatever. i always do something but i’m not wild about it like some other people

65: Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”?- big time. i cuddle sandy 25/8

[lostinthewinterwood]

FFFX Letter

Hey there friend!  Thanks for creating something for me, especially something so long! :D

 I hope you have fun with this—if you want more ideas, my other exchange letters are here, and you can find fandom-specific tags below.  If you’re looking to make treats I’d be delighted to receive them in any medium.

  General DNW

non-con/dub-con; non-canonical permanent major character death; heavy angst; hurt no comfort; on-page deliberate self-harm*; on-page suicide; smut; gore; grimdark; complete downer endings; character bashing; incest; cringe comedy; a/b/o; mpreg; graphic eye trauma; graphic hand trauma; issuefic; unrequested full-setting aus; unrequested identity headcanons; unrequested romance as the main plot.

*I don’t include things like, say, punching a wall in a fit of emotion under this. however, something like cutting would not be appreciated.

  General Likes

– I really like plotty fics

– Secret identity and disguise shenanigans, the more layers to them and more absurdity the better.

– Crossdressing for whatever reason and gender disguises, also for whatever reason, though not as a fetish thing—that I enjoy less.

– Time travel and time loops are always fun, especially as a fix-it.  I have a general preference for Peggy Sue style (aka, an older character getting put back in their younger body at an earlier point in the timeline) over the character’s physical body stepping back in time, but either one is good.

– A focus on family and/or friendship, especially characters realizing they’re not nearly as alone as they think they are, and just generally characters who like each other and enjoy spending time together

– Found family; families of choice

– Character studies

– Worldbuilding

– Canon-divergence AUs and missing scenes; things set pre- or post-canon; wriggling into canon and poking at it to see what it spits back at you, if that description makes any sense at all.

  On Art/Comics

I don’t really have any strong opinions on how art should be—you do you in your art style—and idk, I don’t have anything specific to say here, my general prompts should probably be enough to go off of for creating comics too?  I hope so, at least.

   Original Work  

Tags

·        Group: Adolescent Superhero with a Secret ID & Adolescent Supervillain with a Secret ID (OW)

·        Group: Archmage & Apprentice (OW)

·        Group: Child Superhero & Their Concerned Supervillain Nemesis (OW)

·        Group: Consummate Duelist Who Always Duels Over Others' Honor & Their Long-Suffering Second (OW)

·        Group: Dangerous Mercenary & Street Kid Who Tries To Pickpocket Them (OW)

·        Group: Fugitive Prince/Exiled Alchemist (OW)

·        Group: Male Student Mage Disguised as a Girl & His Older Female Mentor (OW)

·        Princess Heir in Exile for Political Reasons (OW)

·        Fanfic: 1 x 10000-Word Fic

 fandom-specific notes: I'd rather have the Fugitive Prince and the Alchemist be at least 15 or 16, and not have an age gap of more than 5 years or so if one is under 20. I would also ask that characters not react to the student mage disguised as a girl (or anyone, really, but he seems the most likely target) in transphobia-reminiscent ways.  Additionally, my “major character permadeath” dnw here refers to characters named in the tag, and a story with romance as the main plot is absolutely acceptable in the case of the Prince and the Alchemist.

For any of these prompts I’d be super down for worldbuilding work and all that that entails.

 Superheroes—for the kids with the secret identities, do they know each other as their civilian selves? As their cape selves? Both? Do they like each other, dislike each other, is this a rivalry thing… with stories that have this dynamic, I always end up spending half my time cackling internally and the other half of the time going children no when they’re friends as civilians and enemies in masks, but honestly I’d be here for any dynamic they could have. For the child hero and concerned nemesis, I absolutely adore the dynamic of the kid going “I’m here to defeat you!” and the villain being like “…okay I may be a criminal and a villain but you are a literal child what are you doing where are your parents,” and it going from there.

 Student Mage & Mentor—ngl this is at least 85% inspired by all the “girl disguises herself as boy to become warrior” books I read as a kid, and I always wanted a gender-flipped version—so tell me! Why is he disguised as a girl? Does his mentor know? If she does, is she actively helping him, or begrudgingly accepting, or something else? Anything around this would be great, and ruse/identity reveals are always delicious if you want something more specific as a prompt.  Also, if you want to introduce a romance element for the student here, I have some prompts for that here.  Absolutely not necessary, of course, but if that’s where you want to go I’m here for it.

 Archmage & Apprentice—love me some mentorship dynamics. Tell me about who these people are, what their world is like… what does it mean to be an archmage?  Is the student on their way to becoming an archmage too, or are they not quite at that kind of level?  How does their magic work; is this a hard magic system or a soft one?

 Consummate Duelist & Second—is there some deeper reason our duelist won’t stop dueling with people?  Are they dueling with swords, or guns, or maybe magic?  Where do they live, and how does their society think about and relate to dueling—is it common? Uncommon?  State-sanctioned, or illegal, or technically illegal but no one would ever enforce that?

 Mercenary & Street Kid—other things I’m a sucker for include grumpy reluctant mentor/parental figures who don’t want a kid, they don’t, but this one has attached to them and they can’t get rid of them—so obviously they can’t just not take care of them.  Does the kid give the merc a brighter outlook on life? Prompt them to change the way they’re living their life?

 Fugitive Prince/Exiled Alchemist—why is the prince a fugitive?  Is it for some crime he’s done, or because of political turmoil, or something else? And the alchemist—are they exiled from the prince’s country, or from a different country, and how come they’ve been exiled?  How do these two meet; how to they clash or get on with each other?

 Princess Heir—what are the political reasons that led to her exile? What world is she in—is this medieval, pre-medieval, renaissance, any of the above but in an alternate world, any of the above but with magic, or maybe she’s a modern princess from a modern country—what does her exile look like?  Does she want to go home, is she trying to get back home—who’s in charge while she’s off being exiled?

   ---

   幻影ヲ駆ケル太陽 il sole penetra le illusioni | Day Break Illusion  

Tags

·        Etia Visconti (Day Break Illusion)

·        Ariel Valtiel Westcott (Day Break Illusion)

·        Group: Etia Visconti & Ariel Valtiel Westcott (Day Break Illusion)

·        Fanfic: 1 x 10000-Word Fic

·        Fanart: 1 x 10-Page Comic

 No fandom-specific dnws, but to be clear I’m perfectly open to an Ariel/Etia romance, as long as it’s not the main plot of whatever you write. Additionally, deaths of Daemonia characters—canonical or original—are perfectly fine, even if they’re major characters in the story you write.  Canon-typical violence etc is also acceptable.

 These two don’t have much backstory given in canon—I’d love something exploring one or both of their characters!  How did they become Tarot card holders; what was it like when they began; how about when Akari’s mom held the Sun?

I'm also fascinated by the restrictions they have on them, and how it's not totally clear how much of it is their desires and how much of it is imposed on them by the Leguzario. They're very powerful—especially together—and while the Leguzario hold the key they don't seem too keen on using their powers even when they're unlocked; I'd love something exploring that. Alternately, again, just anything exploring their lives—maybe about how long have they been running this chapter of Sefiro Fiore, maybe anything else.

  ---   

Mother of Learning - nobody103  

Tags

·        Raynie (Mother of Learning)

·        Neoluma-Manu Iljatir (Mother of Learning)

·        Group: Kirielle Kazinski & Zorian Kazinski (Mother of Learning)

·        Group: Kirielle Kazinski & Nochka Sashal (Mother of Learning)

·        Kirielle Kazinski (Mother of Learning)

·        Fanfic: 1 x 10000-Word Fic

·        Fanart: 1 x 10-Page Comic

 fandom-specific dnw: romantic and/or sexual Zach/Zorian; physical parental abuse within the Kazinski family; significant exaggeration of canonical emotional neglect/abuse/general family dysfunction; Raynie or her tribe being written as being wholly in the right and the other side wholly in the wrong.  Please consider my “unrequested full-setting aus” dnw from the general section to be adjusted to “mundane aus” for this fandom. If you change who the time travelers are, please either do not address the end of the time loop or let them escape from it—escaping as Zorian does, and in so doing killing the original, is okay.

 If you want to write an AU, you can consider any AU requested for AUEx for Mother of Learning, as listed here, to be requested in this exchange as well (although the character requests do not perfectly line up) as long as it isn’t purely mundane.

 Raynie—I love Raynie, and I love the little glimpses we get into her character and her past in canon!

For her I was thinking maybe something after the invasion, maybe her going home again.  I’d love to see a reconciliation between her and her tribe, and a settling of the issues and problems that led to her being sent away.

If I’ve got my timeline right, her brother should be old enough to have reasonable interactions with; I’d really enjoy something dealing with the tension between them, letting them reconcile and build a better sibling relationship.

Alternatively, if we’re going for pre-canon, I’d really enjoy something dealing with her initial arrival in Cyoria and befriending Kiana.

 Neolu—If we’re working within the time loop, then maybe something from before Zorian got looped in—maybe one of the iterations where Zach and Neolu just went off across the country having fun the whole month? Otherwise, there could be something about her life pre-loop and what led her to come to Cyoria, or after the invasion—what does she do then?

 Kirielle et al—I’ve written far too many words in prompts about Kirielle already; if you want to see me going off about her, please see the Mother of Learning section of my Gen Freeform Ex letter here.  If you don’t want to click through, though, here’s a bit of things.  For Kirielle and Nochka, they’re adorable and I’d love a further development of their friendship, especially getting to see it grow and develop over the months and years after the invasion.  For Kirielle and Zorian, I love their dynamic!  And again here I’d really enjoy seeing their relationship developing in real time, rather than a constantly looping world.  I think it would be great to see either of them defending the other to their parents—and maybe Zorian ends up with custody of Kiri, there’s definitely things to explore there.

For Kirielle by herself, I’d love some sort of character study—what does she do now that the time loop is over?  She’s growing up into a war; will she be a mage?  An artist?  Something else?  Alternatively—what if she got pulled into the loop; what would it be like to grow older while still looking nine?

  ---

  Tortall - Tamora Pierce  

Tags

·        Group: Varice Kingsford & Stiloit Tasikhe (Tortall)

·        Stiloit Tasikhe (Tortall)

·        Varice Kingsford (Tortall)

·        Fanfic: 1 x 10000-Word Fic

·        Fanart: 1 x 10-Page Comic

 No strict fandom-specific dnws here, though I would rather not see a Stiloit/Varice ship if we’re doing a story set in the time of Tempests and Slaughter.

 For Varice—kitchen magic!  How does that work?  What does she do, exactly, to food that changes it/the process of creating it? Is it commonly looked down upon, or is it unusual that Varice’s family doesn’t really want her to pursue it? What did her life look like before; why did she go to mage school?  And what happens later—we all know that our lovely wholesome trio is going to fall apart; how does that happen, and why does she stay?

 As for Stiloit, and him together with Varice—he seems so… calm, and level-headed, especially when compared with Ozorne who is not.  And he clearly finds Varice interesting, and her company valuable.  So maybe tell me something about that—what does he think of her?  She of him?  What if, perhaps, he didn’t die when he does?

Honestly, one of the biggest AU ideas I have/want to see for Tempests and Slaughter is overall—what if Stiloit lived?  Because, given how Ozorne turns out—given how it all goes—I feel like that has the potential for a massive ripple effect on the timeline.  Or maybe tell me how his life was pre-canon!

  ---

  Hanging Out with a Gamer Girl (Manga)  

Tags

·        Group: Amakawa Miruku & Terazaki Kaoru (HOwaGG)

·        Group: Amakawa Miruku & Ousaka Nanami & Terazaki Kaoru (HOwaGG)

·        Group: Amakawa Miruku & Ousaka Nanami (HOwaGG)

·        Group: Terazaki Kaoru & Ousaka Shouko (HOwaGG)

·        Group: Terazaki Kaoru & Ousaka Nanami (HOwaGG)

·        Fanfic: 1 x 10000-Word Fic

·        Fanart: 1 x 10-Page Comic

 fandom-specific dnw: sexualization of Kaoru's crossdressing; full realization of Kaoru's fears re:Nanami's dad.

Also, this isn’t strictly prohibited I suppose? But I’d really rather prefer that relationships nominated as platonic remain platonic, except where otherwise indicated (e.g. certain aus).

For this request, my “setting aus” dnw is completely waived; if you want some ideas check out my AUEx letter.  Please consider any identity headcanon laid out in my AUEx letter to be requested for this exchange as well.

 So! We now have three gamer kids with cute friendships instead of just two—tell me about them!  Tell me about just Kaoru and Nanami, or tell me about how Miruku fits into their dynamic, how it changes—how is it for Nanami, having more than one real-world friend her own age who likes her for who she is?

 As for Kaoru & Shouko—I love how mom-like Shouko feels around Kaoru, and I’d love a deeper look into their dynamic. Half of me thinks she already knows or at least suspects that “Kaori” isn’t really a girl, or at least isn’t a cis girl, but I rather suspect she’d just not say anything, at least for the time being—“Kaori” is her daughter’s only friend, after all, and has been pulling Nanami out of her shell, and she wouldn’t want to disturb that.

[lithium-screams-blog]

Review Two: Manuyo Akuma

This character belongs to Manuyo-Kun on DeviantArt.

https://manuyo-kun.deviantart.com/journal/Manuyo-s-sheet-710294494

Well, I’m back again with my second review and to be honest, this kid is a Gary-sue.

No, I’m not holding back. Anyway, let’s get started.

Name: Manuyo AKUMA --

Kanji/Katakana/Hiragana: マヌヨ 悪魔--

Meaning: Devil displeased

Nickname(s): Manu, Manuyo-san

Wow

Look whatever, Japanese names are whatever. But in this context, it doesn't make much sense for tons of Japanese named characters. Like, doesn't the AoT universe take place on an island that looks strikingly like Madagascar?

Now, if this theory is right, let’s look at the percentage of Asian people in Madagascar.

I’m not saying it’s illegal to make an Asian AoT oc, but it would make them a minority. I’m just saying, it would be more of a rarity.

This is more of a loose cannon since obviously, the AoT world isn’t identical to the real world but I digress.

Also, the meaning of his name is devil displeased?

I mean come on, that’s pretty EXTRA™️. Look whatever, if you're going to use a Japanese name, at least use one that exists and isn't just an edgy google translate thing. Anyway, here’s a link to some Japanese boy names you could use. (ps, They're real!)

https://www.domodaruma.com/blog/most-popular-girls-boys-japanese-names-in-2015

Age: 15 years old

Gender: Male

Species: Human

Blood Type: O+

Birthday: 30 June.

Birthplace: Unknown.

Not too shabby, but one thing. So it says his birthplace is “unknown” but there's an illustration depicting him as a Marleyan.

So frankly, we can assume he was born somewhere in Marley because, well,

that’d make sense, wouldn’t it?

Current Residence: Survey Corps.

Quickly.

SURVEY CORPS ISN'T A RESIDENCE.

IT'S-A BRANCH OF THE MILITARY.

Do you mean HQ? If so whatever, nevermind.

Sexual Orientation: gay.

Wow.

It’s a little weird most of the ocs I see are gay. I’m guilty of the same thing so I don’t care. It’s who he’s shipped with that's a problem.

You’ll see

Oh, you'll see.

Life-Long Dream: see everything beyond the wall.

Goal(s): become a corporal in the survey corps like Levi or Erwin.

Oh hi Armin, I didn’t know you were Asian.

All joking aside, that’s the most frequently seen dream I’ve seen with AoT ocs other than “KILL ALL TITANS.”

Spice things up! I’ll even give you a list of common human goals/dreams.

http://lesswrong.com/lw/mnz/list_of_common_human_goals/

Now, that’s a fine goal in all but FYI, Erwin isn’t a corporal, he's a commander (and dead).

Ok, so his affiliation is as expected. Survey corps ya know? Nothing to dissect…

B U T

Number of Titans Killed: 30

So my rule of thumb is to look at Levi’s stats to see if an oc is overpowered or not. So, shall we?

UM

This kid as one more titan kill than

Well, must I remind you?

HUMANITY’S STRONGEST SOLDIER?

Must i also remind you that this kid is 15?! Almost half the age of Levi? It’d be almost impossible for that count to even be fathomable.

Ok

Get ready

Like(s): Sleep, eat, Kenny

Dislike(s): Titans. (?)

He likes Kenny.

Let me repeat.

HE LIKES KENNY.

AND FROM SOME OF HIS ART, IT’S SAFE TO ASSUME THEY ARE SHIPPED.

Now, let me express some facts here:

Ok so you may be screaming:

BUT SPIDER! MANUYO IS OVER 14!

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

As we already know, according to the creator of the oc, both Manuyo and Kenny are gay. So that makes the legal age of consent now 21.

According to my very smart friend, Kenny looks as if he’s in 40s, which I agree with. So that makes their relationship an example of rape (statutory rape). Which is just kind of sort of illegal. Look as mentioned before, the AoT universe isn’t a carbon copy of the real world. But keep in mind, this ship is a 15 year old boy paired with a 40+-year-old man. It’s just not right, ok?

Ok, I’m moving on.

Skin Tone: i dunno how it says but, it's like Eren.

Body Shape/Build: Like Eren.

“Like Eren” is not a valid description, it makes him look like a copy or wannabe Eren. I’m just saying, it’s not the best idea. Here are some better descriptions to use.

Skin tone: Tan

Body build: Skinny, yet muscular

Mental (Any problems? Example: depression): Blocking emotional, split personality, he got second personality's evil, sadistic or crazy, "twisted".

IF THERE'S ONE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME IT’S THIS:

MPD FASCINATES ME

So I know exactly what causes it:

Past

Most if not all cases of MPD are caused by horrible childhood events such as rape, abuse, or neglect. So let’s skip ahead and see what his past is like:

Manuyo's mother didn't want him because of his sickness (schizophrenia),

so his mother forced him to carry the star on the brassieres and to have papers, when they see a grade, his parents go to see something and leave him alone

One day they denounced it to be a mahr so they threw it from the wall.

Around 12 years, he chooses to go in the training corps and then go into the Survey Corps or Military Police, he makes some friends like Searlait, Kuklo.

Also, he says to have been in an orphanage to the south of the wall not to awake suspicions.

It’s vague, ey? But it shows that his parents just sent him away. That isn’t as intense of the usual causes of MPD. MPD is literally the brain making a new persona for the person as a coping mechanism. To repress memories. Yeah his backstory does not cut it for “extremely tragic”. Look, either keep the MPD and make his backstory more intense, or just get rid of the MPD. Also, this kid is in the military mind you, they don't usually want mentally ill people fighting for them.

Also the personality itself.

Heres some missing info:

How many are there?

What are their names?

What are their ages?

MPD personalities almost always have a different name and or age from the host. Also, most have more than two personalities. It’s very rare for a person with MPD to only have one other personality.

Now for the personality's personality.

second personality's evil, sadistic or crazy, "twisted".

NOT OK

That is so cliche! All “bad” ocs have an unexplainable “crazy/twisted side”. Look insane ocs are cool if they are fucking explained. This is making me mad for two reasons. One it’s not explained and two it helps boost the stereotype that all MPD sufferers are insane and crazy. Which isn’t true! Not all MPD sufferers have some crazy dark side that commits crimes. Actually, most of them don’t! Anyway, enough with the psychology stuff!

The stats are actually not horrible.

3D Maneuvering Gear:8- he learned to use his 3dmg, he at immediately love having to use his 3dmg.

Intelligence:7 - he read many books.

Martial Arts:8 - he trains with Reiner, Bertholdt and Eren.

Battle Skill: 8-

Agility:7 - he's quick.

Strategy: 3 - he needs teammate for strategy.

Teamwork:5 - he work sometimes alone but also he need help.

Passion:7-

Not too low, not too high. Seems fine to me.

LET'S ALL CLAP FOR THE CREATOR! THEY DID THE STATS OK!

Parent(s): mother deceased

          father deceased

Sibling(s): __________

Other Relative(s):

Best Friend(s): Bertholdt.

Friend(s): Eren, Mikasa, Jean, Ymir, Krista, Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie, Hanji, Levi , Kenny(?),

Oc friend(s):

Searlait: Mochi-Doll

Reiya: RiaSora27

Kuklo: youroreostruly

Elvina: Elvina-EXE

Ashuri : trash-ley

Dominique: Cupid-Traurigherz

Skyler: Hisamicchi-Oc

Enemy(ies):None.(maybe Titans )

Hero(es):Erwin, Levi.

Rival(s): none.

Alright, so they're friends with literally everyone. I believe that’s all the main characters in the 104th trainees. Being friends with all the canon characters is a Gary-sue trait. Seriously, take it down like 10 notches.

WELL, THAT’S IT!

Thanks for sticking with me through another one of these reviews.

Overall this oc is bad, I’m not gonna lie. There's a lot of work that has to be done here. But hey! With a lot of work, he might just turn out ok!

Anyway, until next time!

-Spider

[golden-affinity]

wacko story time

i’ve never properly told all my shit in 1 shot. it’s very hard to keep track when you suddenly remember more and more details and the story side tracks way way too much. i will try to keep it as on track as possible. i will also do this in narrative form. one of the therapist said that it is a way to relive it and stay sane.

also this is more for myself than anything so there will be spelling errors and poor sentence structure and bad punctuation so skip this eyesore of a pity party lmao

but if u actly read it pls dm me so i can kno your thoughts it will help me alot thx

Where do i begin? 

I used to know this girl. Terribly shy. Terribly insecure. Even at a young age. All she ever wanted was attention from her family. Both her parents worked long hours, so she and her twin sister were under the care of their grandparents. 

It was trying being a twin. Perhaps that was where the attention seeking began. They had to share everything. Clothes, shoes, books, a room, attention, birthdays, school, friends. Everything. Normally it would have a novelty. A norm. Children do not know any better. 

The difference in their upbringing was their grandparents. Don’t get me wrong; they had an incredibly privileged life. Home-cooked meals 3 times a day. Toys, books, clothes, a roof over their head. Prestigious education. Loving parents. They were undeniably sheltered. No abuse, no neglect, no suffering.

A perfect life. A perfect upbringing. But not so perfect in hindsight.

Their grandparents, especially their grandmother, was very stern and undeniably manipulative. All their actions and words worked in the undercurrent of their psyche. Reaching and pulling and stretching. Planting doubt, fear, mistrust in each other. They liked to compare the twins. They liked to turn them against each other. Was it out of a misplaced affection? Was it out of simplistic glee at seeing two powerless beings getting confused, like how one would play the magic blanket game with their pets? Or was it born of something more toxic?

In time the girls will learn that their grandmother has a massive inferiority complex and narcissistic tendencies. In current times, it has changed her into a hypochondriac.

But back when they were just 5 years of age, they didn’t know better. They didn’t understand that adults can be wrong. That adults can lie. That adults can be mean. Manipulative. Toxic.

They didn’t know any better. So they trusted. She trusted and believed everything her grandmother told her.

You were adopted, taken from the rubbish bin

Your temper is so bad, why would your parents want you? 

They have your perfect sister.

That is why you are twins. To be replaceable

You are the bad twin.

Your sister got a punishment because of you.

You are the one that always gets her into trouble

You have to watch or diet or you will grow fat

You shouldn’t bathe in hot water or your skin will have wrinkles

When we die, you are going to be very happy right? Because there will be so many sweets (Chinese funeral style)

We don’t know when we are going to die and you are always so rude.

You will regret this

Study harder or your parents won’t love you

You are not doing as well as your sister, your parents won’t love you

If you don’t listen to me, your parents won’t love you

She grew up with massive abandonment issues. And a constant nagging thought of being better. Doing better. Or she will be left behind. Alone. Unloved. Unwanted. Back to the trash where her grandmother told her she was from

Adults don’t lie right? Children do not know any better.

And a handful of incidents proved that inkling in her head - that she was unloved. Unwanted.

When she was 8, she threw and tantrum and got punished by standing in a corner. To retaliate, to seek attention, she scratched her face multiple times. Her father and grandmother saw the aftermath and asked her what happened. To her surprise, she had managed to calm down, by hurting herself, and calmly told them that she cried too much. They relented and relieved her of her punishment. This was her first instance of self harm. And it took root as a viable coping mechanism.

When she was 10, she lost a table tennis game and threw her temper at her mother in public. She screamed and yelled when all she wanted was for someone to hold her, sit her down and ask her what was wrong. Why did she care so much over a stupid game? All she wanted was understanding. But she did not know how to articulate. She was consumed with fear and shame over losing. She handled it by screaming. Shouting. rage as a mask

And then her father slapped her, for the first and last time in her life. She was shocked into silence. That was the first time she actively disassociated. She hadn’t named Claire yet but someone else took over and shut down all her feelings.

The slap scared her. The blackout became rooted deep in her psyche. Even till now, more than a decade later, a man slamming the desk, her husband punching the wall, ignites a knee-jerk reaction to cower. To run. To hide. To self soothe. To let Claire take over

Its ok its ok its ok its ok you have me. Its ok its ok its ok its ok. I’m here for you. And no one else is. Listen to me. Believe me. You have me. only me. I will look after you.

Adults are human too, she knows that now. But what is that to a sensitive, insecure, introverted child?

What is that to a girl who was brought up, loved in all senses, but being constantly told that she wasn’t?

She internalised it all. Struggled with it by herself. She didn’t understand what had gone wrong. What she had done wrong. She became scared to talk about her feelings. Angry with herself for being ungrateful, as she has been told. Upset for not understanding why she hated herself more and more and more. 

And when she was 13, she finally turned to self harm by cutting.

It was a relief to see the blood. The scars. To see the aftermath of her self-punishment. Tangible results of the mess in her head. The chaos within laid bare on their thighs, her wrists, her arms. She never liked the pain but she felt like she deserved it. When she drew her lines, the pain in her heart diminished. But her self hatred grew.

She hated the attention she got from it. She hated the fact that she was drawing attention. She was failing at keeping this simple thing under wraps. she was angry at her self for drawing attention

so, she stopped. Not because she saw that it was wrong, but because too many people knew and it became burdensome to see the pity, the uncertainty. The horror, the helplessness. The babying. It was never what she wanted. It was all forms of love, but deep in her self hatred, she just wanted to be left alone.

And so everyone thought she was stable and just as she was left alone again, she turned to ED for a coping mechanism.

It was easy. It was simple. Girls diet all the time. No one suspects. Not back then, at least. 

Both her and her twin have always dieted. Even at 7, 8, 9, 10 years old. What else do you do when your grandmother is breathing down your neck telling you to watch your diet?

Anorexia was a hideous, painful journey. More than she bargained for. She did not know the puddle she thought she was wading in was actually a soul-sucking black hole that very few emerge out of. She did not know how deeply ingrained the ED thoughts would envelope her mind like a parasite, surfacing in times of weakness and uncertainty. She did not know that this coping mechanism would become an addiction for years and years to come.

From scars to numbers. One hyper fixation after another. 

And all this, because of her biggest insecurity - abandonment. 

She had to be perfect. All the time. Or she would be left behind.

By who? Whom? What? How? Why?

She lost track of it all. All she knew was chasing down self punishment in times of imperfection and that very same self punishment became a drug for her masochistic mind.

She lost track of the friends who stood by her. Of her family that still loves her. Of her mum that visited her everyday in the hospital. Of the teachers who took personal time to visit her, talk to her, counsel her.

Her black hole of self punishment was consuming her.

And yet, no one gave up on her. And in moments of clarity she saw that and did her best to fight back. It took another 3 years before she got out but she did.

And this is where you cue a happy ending.

She still had abandonment issues but they were dissipating. She still had massive trust issues but she was actively trying to combat them. Things were looking up. And in all that time spent in her head, she came to peace with her other self. The one that encourages ED and self harm to take away the emotional pain. For a while, her 2 selves came to an understanding that anxiety and embarrassment and pain is a part of life. She also realised what she wanted to do with her life. She grew so much, from the girl she once was.

That was until her cousin screwed it all up by loving her

more than he should have

[ixvyupdates]

Books Saved Me as a Foster Child and Now I Hope They Will Save Others

Because of my young parents’ crass negligence, at age 6, I was pulled from their custody and placed in Philadelphia’s child protection services.

For 15 of my formative years I lived in three foster homes in Northwest and West Philadelphia, attending subpar schools with insufficient resources. My journey started in a home for girls only. It was a place where I was mistreated and always humiliated. I felt ashamed, insignificant and even invisible. The absolute worst was knowing that as a foster child I was marked “least likely to succeed.”

By the time I turned 7, I was moved to a second home where my three brothers and I could be raised together. There, I was violated by an adult. The nightly unnecessary trips to the bathroom to watch me tinkle eventually led to molestation, and thereafter, for many years to come, bedtime was anything but restful.

In retrospect, what I find most disturbing is how, despite a total of 10 social workers managing my family caseload, no one ever asked me about my safety or if I had had any concerns—a prime example of how the system can fail children. In spite of it all, I know that I was not and am not responsible for the terrible things that happened to me.

My well-being and self-esteem were secured the day my brothers and I were placed in care of Mrs. Edith C. Tumlin (1918-2007).

Although she had just three years of schooling, she deeply and completely understood the power of education. It’s no accident she was once awarded Foster Parent of the Year.

Her daily mantra was: “Read and learn something new.” Her sincerity, her thirst for knowledge, her affecting spirituality and sagacious wisdom, all wrapped in love, helped me to be a successful person.

This snapshot of my time spent in foster care shows how students in foster care can suffer loss, detachment, violation and trauma—and still make emotional adjustments for learning.

How can more children in foster care beat the odds, as I was fortunate to do, and succeed educationally?

Empathy Plus Expectations

I believe that, to eliminate the invisible achievement gap for children and youth in foster care, educators can begin by nurturing these students with dignity. We can start by offering them an empathetic heart and an active ear when addressing their educational concerns.

Then, we have to go further. Knowing that frequent moves, neglect and abuse cause emotional distress and put children at higher risk of poor educational outcomes, teachers must ensure students in foster care read well enough to become critical thinkers and learners.

We must set expectations that allow them to soar beyond their presumed potential and help them meet those expectations.

The most successful approach allows children and youth in foster care the freedom of choice. Reading literature of choice and reading about what they live will stimulate the joy of reading, propelling them to become great readers.

I can attest to this because I started my journey as a lifelong reader the day my fifth-grade teacher marched the entire class down the hall to the library, encouraging us to pick whatever we wanted.

Book Recommendations

With the love and support of that teacher, many others, and most importantly, my  final foster parent, I was able to become the best adult and teacher I could be. It has been an honor to share the gift of reading with many students and foster children like myself. It is my hope that these recommendations will help spread the gift of reading to many more foster children and help to close the invisible achievement gap.

To stock school and classroom libraries with stories that reflect the experiences of young people in foster care, I offer these recommendations:

“Maybe Days: A Book for Children in Foster Care” by Jennifer Wilgocki

“Murphy’s Three Homes: A Story for Children in Foster Care” by Jan Levinson Gilman

“Kids Need to Be Safe: A Book for Children in Foster Care” by Julie Nelson

“Families Change: A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights” by Julie Nelson

“Brave Bart: A Story for Traumatized and Grieving Children” by Caroline Sheppard

“Robbie’s Trail Through Foster Care” by Adam Robe

“I Don’t Have Your Eyes” by Carrie Kitze

“A Mother for Choco” by Keiko Kasza

“The Family Book” by Todd Parr

“The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst

“The Pinballs” by Betsy Byars

Further, I’d like to share two books I used in to develop a mentoring and literacy workshop focused on improving the lives of young girls in foster care.

“The Road to Paris” by Nikki Grimes In “The Road to Paris” Nikki Grimes tackles foster care from a child’s point of view, creating a heartfelt and transformative tale about a little girl, her brother, and their journey in foster care. After being tossed from home to home, they are hoping to finally return to the care of their biological mother.

“Pictures of Hollis Woods” by Patricia Reilly Giff “Pictures of Hollis Woods” was named a 2003 Newbery Honor Book. Hollis Woods began life in a park of the same name, where she was abandoned by her mother. After many stays in many foster homes, at age 12 Hollis lives with the Regan family. They offer to adopt her, but she refuses due to her guilt over an accident for which she feels responsible. She is then placed with Josiee, an elderly artist who is fun and full of affection. Hollis wants to stay. There’s just one catch: Josie has frequent memory lapses, possibly suffering from the onset of Alzheimer’s. If social services workers find out, Hollis could very well be returned to the Regans.

Photo by Gift Habeshaw, Unsplash-licensed.

Books Saved Me as a Foster Child and Now I Hope They Will Save Others syndicated from https://sapsnkraguide.wordpress.com