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tobyrivers · 1 year

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wave after wave / a self-para

triggers: stabbing, knives, blood, death, cancer mention. mentioned: @jacoboh @luciacarrera @mcrtyrdoms @veracalma @applekiraz @sarahoh @marianaxrojasx @eziocore @jieunfms

Toby smiled at his phone, happy that his plan to make things up with Vera seemed to be successful. It seemed like the past few days have been on a downward slope and things were finally, finally starting to look up. Every day without seeing Catherine’s face to say bad news was a good day, in his book, and he was getting better at pushing away the mental image of Theo’s head, as well as Bianca’s foot. It was just one of the many images stuck in his head that he got from being a paramedic, and he made a mental note to start talking about it with Jacob, once they finally got together for their surfing session. Toby never liked talking his problems, especially ones that he feels like he signed up for being a paramedic, but he’d been feeling shaken for a long time now. He just needed to talk about it, instead of bottling it in, and if there was one person he knew he could do that with, without any fear of judgment, it would be Jake.

Swallowing thickly, Toby pushed all of that aside so he could focus on the task at had. It had been a long shift, but on the upside, he didn’t have to load up a body today, and he also had plans to see Jieun after he went back home after walking his Golden Retriever. He took the same route he always did, moving past Low Point to Fog Gate before circling back home. It was already late, and he didn’t want Jieun to be waiting too long, so his pace was brisk, but he paused when he heard a voice.

Help! Someone please help. Help me.

Toby inhaled sharply at the woman’s voice, eyebrows furrowing as he stared into the darkness of the Salem Neck Trail. He used to include this in his route with his dog, up until Rhys’ arm had been found here, and he decided it was better to be safe than to be sorry, and decided to only skirt along the edge of it, close to the sidewalk, on his way back home nowadays.

Help me please!

The urgency of the voice cut through Toby’s hesitance, and he took out his phone to turn on its flashlight as he held onto his dog’s leash tightly. There wasn’t really comfort in knowing he had his dog with him in case there was danger because Marley was one of the friendliest dogs there ever was. He used to joke with his friends that if a burglar came inside Toby’s apartment, Marley would lead the way to where he stashed some of his emergency savings. The thought made him smile, as he ventured deeper into the darkness.

“Hello? Are you hurt?” Toby called out.

I’m here and I’m hurt. I can’t move my legs.

His training kicked in, and he went in the direction of the voice, finding it oddly familiar. “I’ll be right there. Are you bleeding?” He asked, wanting to keep the person talking so he can pinpoint where she was.

No.

Toby paused, a chill running down his back as he realized the voice was a lot closer than he had anticipated.

But you will be.

“Wha--” He started to say, just as his Marley started barking loudly, just as he felt a vibration in his hand notifying him he just got a text message, just as he heard a laugh right as he felt something pierce his stomach. All these things happening in the span of a few seconds and Toby’s hand shakily lifted his phone to point his phone’s flashlight down to see who it was.

“You--” Toby said, gasping loudly when he felt the sharp object leaving his stomach. No, no, no, he thought, hands releasing what they were holding to hold onto his stomach. He belatedly saw that it had been a knife that was stuck in him, and he couldn’t help but feel panicked because he could handle being stabbed. He knew that. He’d seen people survive graver injuries, but the knife wasn’t supposed to be taken out. He was taking short breaths as he pressed his hands against his stomach to stop the flow of the blood, just so she could stab his stomach again, clean through his hands.

The cry of agony he let out had him falling down to his knees, and with whatever strength he had left, he grabbed the toy he always kept on him during their walks and threw it as far as he could, not wanting her to hurt his dog too. Toby hadn’t realized just how deep into the trail he had gotten until he turned back towards her, and he wanted to fight back, wanted her to stop, to demand answers as to why she was doing this, but he found himself being stabbed again.

And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.

The adrenaline was gone, his strength was depleted and the pain was like nothing he’d ever felt before, until Toby found himself flat on the ground, choking on his own blood. His thoughts strayed to how this would be the part he and his colleagues would try to distract the patient from the pain as they loaded them up into the back of the ambulance. He always hated that part. When death was all but confirmed, and there was nothing to be done. He knew it now. He could feel it, just as easily as he could feel the dirt under his hands, as easily as he could hear the laughter.

His dropped phone’s flashlight was still turned on and it cast her face in shadow, and Toby had to turn his head to the side, not wanting this to be the last thing he’d see. He closed his eyes after he felt tears pooling in them because he didn’t think this was fair.

This isn’t how it was supposed to end.

His father. The man he looked up to his entire life. The man who had to watch the love of his life go through something as horrible as cancer and lost her to it too. The man who had to see one of his children turn into a monster, despite trying his best to step into the role of being a single parent while dealing with his own grief. Toby always wanted to tell him he was a great father, that he appreciated his effort, especially because his father never said it out loud but Toby just knew he felt like a failure because of how Tucker ended up being, how he felt responsible for it. His heart ached for his father, knowing the man would have to bury another son.

Jacob. His best friend for as long as he can remember. Someone who was practically his brother. He could remember being younger, playing with him, studying with him, feeling completely at ease around him while simultaneously sticking out whenever he was at the Oh residence. How Jake’s other friends were just as wealthy as he was, and it was never a sore point, just a clear indicator of how they were so different, yet so similar at the same time. They had the same values, the same heart, the same drive, the same want for the other to succeed. Toby never felt more understood, more himself than when he was with Jake and in turn, the loyalty between them never faltered. They always were in each other’s corners, no matter what. How he was the first person outside of his family he had called to let him know that his mother was no longer struggling, no longer in pain. He could remember putting his strength down and just crying in Jake’s arms saying I’m not ready. I’m not ready. How he’d give absolutely anything for them to be out at sea again, surfing together. Or on the shore passing a football around. Jake was home, was family, his safe space. He always will be.

Lucia. His biggest what if. He knew he didn’t have the heart to stop her from leaving all those years ago, not when he knew she was going after her dream and he wanted that from her. He wanted, more than anything, to see her succeed. For her to have all the good things this life could offer, because she, of all people, deserved that. He always wondered what would’ve happened, if he actually left Nightrest for her. He told himself this town will always be home, his father would always be here and he couldn’t just abandon him, and Toby felt like he didn’t need to be anywhere else, and ultimately, that was what made him lose her. They both wouldn’t dream of forcing the other to do anything they didn’t want to do, but those two words will always stay with him. What if. There was a whole other future that had been lined up for him had he taken the step out of this town. A parallel universe where maybe he’d still be the one making her happy.

Gabriel. They just started being friends again and it wasn’t fair. Toby could remember being younger and being around Gabe, their hobbies vastly different, their personalities different as well, but they still worked. They were still incredibly good friends. Every time Toby looked back on his childhood, it was thought of with nothing but fondness and Gabe had a lot to do with it. They drifted apart. Years and years of trying to get back to the happy-go-lucky children they had been, but it was a struggle. Real life problems came and went and the rift just got bigger and bigger. Until this year. Until they tried again. Toby missed them terribly when they didn’t talk, and it was still something they had to figure out together, but he had been looking forward to it, to seeing the person they were now, to know all about what he had missed, and now, he’d never get the chance to.

Verity. Complete opposites, but ones that made sense. He’d known her for his whole life too, and yet, it took a long time for her to take a liking to him, to give him the chance to see underneath that rough exterior of hers to showcase what he’d always known. The woman with a heart bigger than anybody else’s, who’d fight to the death for her loved ones, whose loyalty knew no bounds. You were lucky if she showed you that part of her, because only a rare few got to see it or feel it for themselves. That’s how he always thought of himself whenever he looked back on his time with Vera. Lucky. Even when they fought. They ended their relationship on good terms, and he was grateful more than ever that he decided to ask for that favor from Efe today, because it always felt wrong when they weren’t okay.

Apple. Tinkerbell. Someone who was already suffering because of losing her best friend. He tried putting himself in her shoes one night when he was alone, thinking of what it would feel like for him to lose Jake in such a horrible way, and he ended up crying. How would it feel to lose someone who’s so deeply ingrained in your soul? Especially someone like Apple, whose soul was fortified by the love she gave to people. Her soul wasn’t dainty, but it was strong. She was resilient, and he liked to make fun of her for her size, because it always amused him how someone so small to him, could have a spirit bigger than herself, bigger than him even. His sweet, beautiful, kind Tinkerbell who didn’t need to suffer through more to build her strength when she was already one of the strongest people he knew.

Sarah. He liked her, that much was obvious. He’d never had a door slam in his face after asking someone out before, but after the initial shock of it all, he came to think of it as something that the two could eventually laugh about in the future. Toby wanted her to be happy, because simply put, that was what she deserved. Sarah was like sunshine, and he didn’t fault himself for wanting to be around her, for trying to be something more than just friends, for liking her for the person that she was because she is loveable. Always had been. The light in her eyes dimmed after Theo, he could see that, but she had Jake, and Charlotte. She had her friends. Toby knows they’d take care of her.

Mariana. He really didn’t know where things went wrong with them but thoughts of his brother inevitably brought forth thoughts of Mari too. How horrified he had been when he found out what happened. How protective he became of her when he got her out of that situation immediately. How he vowed he’d never talk to his brother again after that, before Tucker started fucking with his brain again, talking about how they would always be blood. He hoped Mari would never feel that kind of pain again, hoped that she’d come to realize she was a lot stronger than she thought she was.

Ezio. Someone who was like his younger brother. Toby always wanted one, always asked his parents for one so he could be to them what Tucker had been to him before their mother died. Someone Toby vowed to always protect from all the bad things in life, because they still had so many good things to see and experience, and he wanted to be there to see the look on their face when they were able to actually see and experience those good things. Despair clutched at him as he strongly wished someone would take care of them, now that he couldn’t.

Jieun. There’s pain there for the potential between them. He could remember how happy he was when she had been released from the hospital, how he celebrated her at Medusa, only to come home with her afterwards. How they never talked about it, until it happened again after the music festival. Maybe there was a reason the two always found their way back to each other. Jieun always made him think of moonlight, the only thing beautiful enough to cast his eyes away from the ocean. How a part of her will always be hidden, but that didn’t stop Toby from wanting to know her. It wasn’t just the intrigue, it wasn’t just the confusion. It was her. People in town were so easy to write her off as just another mean girl, but there was so much more to her than that, and Toby knew it. He could see it in the way her eyes lit up watching the fireworks after the music festival. He could see it in the way he held her close after sleeping together, and how she’d curl against him. He could see it in the haunted look her eyes would take when talking about her now dead friends. He could see it in her passion for creating, and he felt like he was being let in on a massive secret, seeing how happy it made her, how proud she was of it. How proud he was of her too. He could see it in the way she was like with her friends, how she treated them, how she’d do anything for them. He could see it in the way she’d let go of his hand, yet linger. A push and pull that always ended with him getting just the tiniest bit closer. A mean girl. A good person. An influencer. A survivor. His secret. He hadn’t expected them at all, but he didn’t regret anything that happened with them, not one bit. Toby hated that their time was cut short, and he knew he would’ve done anything she asked of him, his last one bringing what happened between them with him to the grave.

His eyes were already closed and he could feel the pain from the knife entering his body over and over again start to ebb away, making way for a fading that was oddly like how he feels every time he was on his surfboard. Nothing but the vast sky above him, and the water below him, the salty sea air in his lungs, a smile on his face and his board between his legs. He liked it when he sometimes let himself fall into the water, and that feeling of the water enclosing around him, muting everything else, reminded him of something he hadn’t felt in so long.

His mother’s arms around him, telling him everything was going to be okay. He could hear her voice now, saying the exact words he had told her on her hospital bed the day after he turned thirteen.

You can rest now.

#goodbye #also no i did not proofread this because it got away from me and is almost at 3k and i refuse to thank you #( self para )

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