#mayson tag also. i hope people like her when she makes her debut

[naggingatlas]

me and my friend are both nb and once talked about our confusions growing up. and i remember them saying something along the lines of "being nonbinary and treating that as something groundbreaking while also. you know. being latino. is weird, because thats... how white people viewed me either way? i had a stache and arm hair in elementary. to them i was never a girl nor a dude. just a brown fat thing".

its the dehumanization. at a very early age. a girl doesn't have dark skin. a girl isnt too long, too wide, too heavy. a girl is interested in these things only. a girl can see and walk and hear and talk. a girl has friends. a girl isnt weird.

and then youre born a weird girl. a black or brown girl, a fat girl, a disabled girl, physically or mentally. and you're still very much expected to follow the rules of girlhood, it says so on your documents, you have to and you shall. but youre deranged if you think that they'll let you have the rights of a little girl, the few delights of it, the butterflies and cream of it. a let-off for a fault. a compliment without a leer or pity. a gaudy friendship bracelet made with six hands at a sleepover. you can only dream.

but you can only only dream for so long, before it hurts too much and you push it all away, the bad and the good, every dream and butterfly hairclip shoved into a shoebox and buried in the backyard.

and you plough through middle school in hoodies and a bob if your parents are lenient, you muffle the endings of your verbs and adjectives, stealing a vowel whenever you can, you make a secret account that your classmates and family will never find.

and in the evenings you look at pictures of men in dresses. forums they write. a "she", "она", and that stolen vowel here and there.

and they're so beautiful.

and you draw a boy (?) in a dress. a character from a cartoon, or a comic, or your brain. over. and over.

you hear a song from a band that a decade later everyone will find annoying and they use the f word sometimes. you learn the lyrics by heart. and you draw yourself. on the same page. in a suit, with a moustache and a flat chest. and high heels. and fishnets. and the suit becomes a bodysuit. and you keep the stache and you don't add a chest. and you're beautiful too.

"i wish i were a man so i could dress like a woman"

you go on like that for 7 more years.

and then you dig up the shoebox. and you say a prayer for every woman from that forum. and you say a prayer for every electronic musician whose f word you've put through ytmp3. and you say a prayer for every weird girl who's born in that moment and who had been born since the dawn of time.

and you open the shoebox and put on the butterfly hairclip.

and your tits are 4 sizes bigger from the risperidone. and you don't hide them at all.

its fighting to be allowed to be a woman. because you want to be one. and a bajillion other reasons i guess. despite what society presents as an idea of a woman. despite there maybe not needing to be one.

i dont articulate myself well. i cant win arguments with radfems, im not rational, im schizo. i rely on abstractions and vague sensations. but it makes me happy. trans girls make me happy. please exist.

thinking about how i relate to transfem experiences more than to any other trans and gnc ones and how freeing it is to realize that again after being in close proximity to a radfem for a long time and how i will never stop loving my trans sisters. ever.