#maybeeee I will do a part 2 in the future if I think of more lol

[half-oz-eddie]

You swore 💔

Part 3

Half socmed half fic where Steve gets more than he bargained for when he starts cheating on his girlfriend with the hot cashier from the boutique near his job.

18+

<- Part 1 <-Part 2 Part 4->

6:30 the next morning, Steve was woken up by his phone dinging repeatedly. 

Steve quickly fell back asleep. He wasn't much of a morning person, especially not on his day off. Not even 10 minutes later, Steve was woken back up by Billy’s mouth on his cock.

He grabbed hold of Billy’s soft hair, bucking his hips and letting himself slide into Billy’s throat. He loved being woken up like this. It was everything dreams were made of, and having someone as beautiful as Billy slurping on his cock was almost enough to make him a morning person.

“Good morning, baby.” Steve moaned out. “Feels so good.”

Billy continued on until Steve’s legs were shaking, then he kissed his way up to Steve’s lips to give him a proper good morning. 

“Morning, pretty boy.”

Steve smiled widely. “God, I missed you.”

“Steve, I wanna tell you something.”

“You can tell me anything, baby.”

“I uh..." He nervously chuckled, averting Steve's eyes. "I...love you. I know I’m a lot to handle, but it’s just because I wanna be with you so bad.”

“C’mere” Steve pulled Billy into his arms, peppering his forehead with kisses. “I wanna be with you too. Just give me a little more time and I’m all yours, I swear.”

“You don’t love me the way I love you, do you?” Billy asked dejectedly.

“It’s not that." Steve shook his head. "I just—I don’t wanna say it when I’m already making such a mess of things.”

“I wanna hear it anyway. Say it.”

“Okay...I love you too.”

Steve enjoyed a wonderful, relaxing day with Billy. They spent all afternoon chatting and bonding. Billy even felt safe enough to tell Steve about the abuse he experienced at home.

“I wanna get away from there someday. Maybe we could get away together.” Billy suggested, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Steve nodded, wiping Billy’s tears and kissing him tenderly. “I’d like that too. We can go on vacation to some…nude beach or something.”

They chuckled as Billy melted into Steve’s comforting embrace, thinking about their future together.

They enjoyed the amicable silence, and Steve remembered being in this same position with Nancy the night before. It was nothing like this. Not even close. 

Steve had his mind set on a future with Billy, but Nancy was so dear to him that he couldn’t bring himself to hurt her while she was dealing with her parents divorce and trying to impress everyone at her internship.

Steve’s phone dinged in his hand and Billy’s eyes immediately shifted in the direction to glance at his screen. 

He scoffed and jumped out of Steve’s arms. 

Steve groaned. “Jesus Christ, this girl.” He loudly whispered.

“Baby.” “What?” Billy snapped. “Your little princess needs you?”

“I’m just gonna drive her somewhere. I don’t want her to get in trouble or hurt herself.”

“What’re you talking about?”

Steve sighed. “Y’know that old lab? She’s doing some story on it for her internship. It’s government property and it’s super dangerous there. If I don’t go with her she’s gonna go alone.”

“So fucking what? She’s a big girl. She doesn’t need a babysitter. If she wants to trespass—“

“Billy. She’s still my girlfriend. I love you, but I do care about her. I’m not gonna be long. Just…stay here and hang out, okay? I’ll bring dinner, we can take a bubble bath together…I know how much you like that.” He kissed Billy’s neck. “Right? Right?”

“Mm…” Billy’s angry scowl softened as a giggle escaped him. “Yeah, yeah whatever. Go. But hurry back, or I’ll make it a problem.”

“I know you will, baby.” He stole a kiss before rushing off. “See you in a bit!”

Steve drove to Nancy’s, and escorted her to the abandoned lab.

“This is a bad idea, y’know that, right?”

“Relax. I just wanna take a few pictures, some quick notes, and then we can leave.”

“Fine. But don’t get us arrested, alright?”

“I won’t.” Nancy reassured. “Then after, maybeeee, we can get some KFC? I know you love that finger lickin’ good chicken.”

Steve thought about Billy and how he’d be waiting at home for him, but he didn’t want to blow Nancy off. Ever since her best friend died, she’d been so sheltered. 

“Alright, we can stop and get some food, but after that I gotta go. I promised a friend I’d go do this thing with him—“

“Which friend? Tommy?”

“No.”

“Jason?”

Steve scoffed. “No. When do you ever see me hanging out with him?”

“I dunno, you were both on the basketball team together so I just assumed.”

Steve shook his head. “Not a chance.”

“Okay so which friend? Is it one I haven’t met yet?”

“Uh…yeah. I think so. He works at the Pool.”

“Oh! Are you talking about Chet? I didn’t know you were friends with him! He’s so nice to Mike when he goes there. He let the boys take some stuff from the shed for a prank as long as they broke down some boxes and—“

“Wa-wa-wait. We’re here. Shh.”

“Why are we shushing?” Nancy asked in a loud whisper.

“Just in case there’re any security guards around.”

“Right.”

Steve cruised around to the back entrance, keeping his eyes on the dark road.

Ding.

Ding. Ding. 

“Steve why does your phone keep going off?!” Nancy questioned. 

“I dunno. Maybe it’s the uh…group chat I’m in.” He lied.

Ding. Ding.

Steve sighed. He knew it was Billy, because Billy didn't give a shit if Steve was with Nancy.

He parked near the back entrance and picked up his phone to quickly reply, hoping Billy wouldn’t continue to barrage him with texts. The last thing he wanted was to make Nancy suspicious of him.

“Steve?” Nancy called out to him. “Can we go in yet?”

“Uh—oh. Sorry. I think so, yeah.”

Steve accompanied Nancy into the Lab, waited impatiently for her to take pictures and write some notes, and then they got back into his car. 

“Thank you so much, Steve. My story is going to be great! I'm really gonna impress everyone at the paper!”

“I bet. I’m proud of you.”

“Hey, uh…I know we said we’d do dinner but I’d rather go home and order some takeout. Will you come hang out with me for a bit while I type some stuff up? I know you’ve got another thing but I just want your company for a liiittle while—“

“No problem, Nance. We can order Chinese from that place in the mall.”

“Great!“

Steve could never deny the joyful smile on Nancy’s face. He just hoped Billy wouldn’t be too upset. 

Steve ended up having a nice time with Nancy. They talked, listened to music, ate their Chinese food and had sex.

Sex with her was different from sex with Billy. Sure, it got him off, but it didn’t have that fervent passion he craved. It was what everything was with Nancy—nice. She was nice, the sex was nice, their relationship was nice, but that was all.

In all the years they’d been together, their love hadn’t grown at all. Sometimes they felt like friends. 

It was nearing 11 when Steve grabbed his phone out of the charger. He’d purposely let it die to avoid Billy getting him caught, but that was the biggest mistake he could’ve made. 

He said goodbye to Nancy, turning his phone back on in the car. The texts from Billy started off cute, slowly turning from worried, to irate, to furious. 

His heart raced as he drove home. He didn’t want things to end with Billy so soon. Billy just didn’t understand his relationship with Nancy. He was wrong for expecting him to deal with it but...he often felt overwhelmed by Billy's reactions.

Steve groaned and threw his phone into the passengers seat. He hurried home, catching Billy just as he descended the steps with his overnight bag.

“N-n-no—c’mon, babe. Don’t leave!” Steve begged.

Billy laughed, gritting a cigarette between his teeth. “Don’t leave? You fucking left me all day to go out with your girlfriend!”

“She just—she needed my help. She’s been going through a lot and—“

“What about me? I’m going through hell every single day and all I want—all I want is something real. Don’t my feelings matter too?”

“Yeah." Steve grabbed his shoulders. "Yeah they matter. That’s why I tried to get back to you as soon as I could. You were on my mind the entire time—“

Billy nudged Steve away. “I don’t wanna hear it, Steve.” He waved his hand. 

“Please, please don’t leave me." Steve implored. "Let’s go back upstairs and talk.”

Steve didn’t plan on talking, but he did plan on persuading. 

He sweet talked Billy into his bed with all the things he wanted to hear. "I love you" "I need you" This is only temporary" "I swore, remember?" "Let's do it without a condom" and he pounded his ass raw. 

“You’re the only one I can fuck like this.” He whispered into Billy’s ear. 

Billy’s eyes rolled back when Steve’s cock made its way deep inside him. He moaned helplessly as he gripped Steve’s shoulders for dear life. 

This was the first time they fucked without a condom and it was certainly reassuring to Billy that he was special to Steve. The gentle words of affirmation Steve whispered through his thrusts were pretty damn convincing, too.

“Cum in me!” He desperately pled.

“I will, baby.” Steve moaned in response. “You feel amazing.”

“Say it. Say you love me.”

“I love you.” He kissed his neck. “I love you.” He kissed his cheek. “I really love you.” He kissed his lips as he continued to thrust inside, swallowing every loud moan and taking all the scrapes on his shoulders while Billy held on tight. 

“You gonna stay?” Steve asked, his hazy eyes filled with hope. 

“Mmhm.” Billy nodded without hesitation, unable to refuse the guy with his cock buried so deep inside him.

They continued to kiss, Billy’s whimpers being swallowed with every thrust. 

Steve broke away to gaze into Billy’s eyes as he spilled into him, softly moaning his name, slowly thrusting until he’d emptied himself inside him. 

Even though he’d come home later than he said he would, even though he smelled like Nancy’s perfume, and even though he had a small hickey on his neck that wasn’t there when he left…

He swore, and Billy wanted to believe him. 

So he stayed. 

[west-coast-lana]

thank you @littlefoxwithadagger for tagging me I love you angel😭😭💗💗💘💗

1. Are you named after anyone?

I have two middle names so one of them is my own, and one of them is a combination of my grandmother and grandfathers name!

2. Do you have kids?

Nah I don’t and I don’t know if I want any on the future! We’ll see though time will tell🤷‍♀️

3. When was the last time you cried?

I was recently rewatching Hamilton and I cried at the end so maybe like 1-3 weeks ago😭😭

4. What sports do you play/have played?

I don’t do any sports anymore but in the past I’ve done basketball and soccer

5. Do you use sarcasm?

maybeeee🤫🤫

6. What's the first thing you notice about people?

How they act/interact around others. like if they’re more of a listener than a talker, etc

7. What's your eye color?

ehehe green and it’s my fav part about me lol

8. Scary movies or Happy endings

i love scary movies but happy endings are just 💗💗🤌🤌

9. Any talents?

no lmao but I’m double jointed if that counts for anything 😭

10. Where were you born?

U.S.A 🫡🦅

11. What are your hobbies?

Reading and ig like diys?? I love making bracelets and necklaces and such

12. Do you have any pets?

Yess I have a beautiful German shepherd I love her very much 💘💘

13. How tall are you?

I’m like 5’3 / 5’4 I think???

14. Favorite subject in school

that’s so hard I hate all of them 😭😭if I had to choose for the like homework we do I’d say civics or ela though

15. Dream Job?

I want to be a designer 😍🙏

@moobell55 , @stellelikesbooks , @thelov3lybookworm y’all should do this 🙏🙏

[dreaming-of-assclass]

So I was watching/reading AssClass again recently, and my opinions on a lot of things have changed, so here are some updated hot takes 🍵

So you all know I hate the crossdressing jokes, but for the sake of keeping it simple, let’s say Nagisa is ok with his closest friends making them. This still doesn’t make sense imo bc Karma was willing to leave him a year, get creeped out by him, and throughout canon is unwilling to properly communicate with Nagisa. But all of a sudden, he’s a close enough friend to make jokes about crossdressing and feminizing him????? No it doesn’t work that way 😭

Both teams in Civil War are equally valid, now that I think about it more deeply. That said though, I feel like more people should’ve jumped on Karma’s ass and called him out. Bc the way he was acting and his anger just went far past jealousy imo.

One thing about me is that I am a sucker for “feminine” female characters. Ok, like I get that 99% of this fandom loves Rio, Hazama, Hayami, etc. But my heart will always belong to the soft girls like Okuda n Kanzaki

Nagisa is actually such an interesting character and I love him now. But I feel like he’s popular for the worst reasons :(

Terasaka was extremely pivotal in grounding Nagisa’s humanity and morality, not just in Island arc but throughout the whole series.

I want to really like Maehara x Okano, but honestly it hurts in an irl sense 💔 Like the whole vibe of not being given the importance of being desired as an actual girlfriend, rather than a fling or friend :( I feel bad for Okano, and she deserves better than that.

Korosensei and Aguri did love each other, but I can’t label it as a typical “romantic” kind of love. I feel like it went so much deeper than that, like soul bonding or something. I think they both had immense impact on each other, and that’s what’s most significant about their bond.

I really don’t wanna sound like the judgey type, you know. To each their own. But some of the ships and relationship ideas some ppl in this fandom have, make me wonder if we watched/read the same series.

I always used to talk about how Kayano was robbed, and I’ll keep saying it. She deserved to be a more fully fleshed out female character. And this means accepting her very real flaws, not making her a “girlboss” or throwing her under the bus for the sake of ships.

Karma is one of the more selfless characters in AssClass, and I feel like in this sense, he and Nagisa are two sides of the same coin.

Sugino is Nagisa’s bestie, periodt.

Nakamura gets on my nerves at times lmao. I’m sorry, but I think it’s just her vibe. I’m not a fan of irl ppl like her

Maehara is just as bad as Okajima. In a sense, he might be even worse given that he sees dating girls and cheating in a commodified lens. Don’t forget it just bc he’s conventionally attractive lmfao 💀

The final takeover of the mountain is one of the best arcs in the whole series, no cap. It does an even better job than Civil War in granting 3-E equal attention, showcasing their skills, and displaying the found family that’s been built. And Nagisa and Karma’s high-five while Terasaka yells at them is adorable.

[realityshiftingandblogging]

My opinion on something in this community.

Okay, I know I said I’m avoiding opinions but I need to get this out before I continue with today fjsbfjsnsk. AFTER THIS IM TAKING A MENTAL BREAK FKSDBFSBF 

Tw: Mention of respawning, death, suicide, toxic behavior, cursing and slight mention of abuse.

Heads up before I start, I want to say I am someone who believes it is possible to shift permanently and I also believe your physical body, in no way, can be affected by shifting unless you mean trauma wise because you shifted to somewhere not so mentally friendly and so on. I may change my belief depending on whether it has enough backing or makes sense, logically, to me. So if you’re reading this when i’ve changed my views then you can go “heeeeyyyyy old you” and move on from this post lmao. Anyway here we go!

This "permanently shifting is respawning" BOTHERS ME SO MUCH. I, personally, want to shift permanently because I see no future here, I have no interest here, I am not in a good home situation, and that SHOULD BE valid. To associate people who want to live a better life and live out their dreams in a safer form with something that isn't on the communities best side is going to . . .

1. Spread misinformation on the definition of respawning

-----------------

Ahem, and before I move on let's look at the definition

Respawn: (of a character in a video game) reappear after having being killed.

This could also relate to reincarnation. Let's check that definition too.

Reincarnation: the rebirth of the soul in a new body.

See also "reincarnation, also know as rebirth or transmigration of a living being begins a new life in a different physical form or body. "

----------------

2. Not only will it spread misinformation, those who hop on the "majority belief train" might spread hate towards those who really can't stand to be here.

⚠️ Permanent Shifting and Respawning are two different things. Respawning has no definite security that you will be in your DR, it's too risky. As for permanent shifting, you simply shift and stay. There is no harm to your body or anything and you can ALWAYS come back if you decide to, something respawners cannot do. Permanent Shifting and Respawning are two different things. Comparing those two is like saying shifting in general and Respawning are the same because they both involve leaving this reality. They arent, and you know it. Just because they both stay in their DR doesn't mean they are the same. If you disagree, I have an entire server and a lot of people to back me up that it is not the same. They all agree, it's two different categories. Permanent shifting isn't always permanent and you can come back, there's no harm to you or your body. Respawning isn't guaranteed, nor can you ever come back. There is a big difference. Stop clustering. I spoke with a respawner on Amino who said that Respawning is the disposal of the body AFTER shifting and ties are severed. It is not done by then consciously. Secondly in addition to that, permanent shifting means you can always come back if you change your mind and the ties with this reality is still there. There is a big difference here. ⚠️

People who see no future here are not cruel to their families. People who, at an early age, dreamed of being somewhere else other than 'home' are not cruel. People who want to see their comfort characters and stay there, consciously, are not cruel. It. Isn't. Wrong. It isn't disgusting. It isn't mean. It isn't "mentally ill." If you see it as wrong then tough luck buddy because I don't care. Unfollow me or block me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

ANOTHER THING THAT IS BOTHERING ME.

Those who shift permanently are not evil, cruel, or stupid. Nor are they harming their old reality/current reality body. And I do not want to hear the "you can't shift permanently without respawning" excuse. Yes, you can. Shifting your conscience has no time limit. It does not in any shape or form, in my mind, make sense logically that there is a time limit where your cr body, which shouldn't have control over you in another reality, just yeets you back.

Why does this community INSIST on just blocking respawners and giving them hate. I don't support it 100% right now, but what I'm saying is don't bash someone who needs your help?? Like I get the whole "I'm going to shift and my CR body will die right after I leave" is unsettling to a lot of people and many might be triggered by the topic. I get that. But ????? Y'all are TOXIC as hell to completely bash these people. (And if you haven’t then good for you ILY here’s a lolipop 💖🥺🍭.) Like??? Yes, you can verbally do that because it’s the internet. But should you, morally? In my opinion, no. If someone is saying they want to dispose of their body and you tell them they aren’t welcome to talk to you, then what the actually HELL.

( I get that someone randomly venting to you is frustrating and mentally draining which can cause worsened depression or a worsened mental state; always ask first before venting unless you need immediate help, kids. So to clarify, that’s not what I’m saying in this context. )

Don’t be a d*ck. Stop hating someone who may even need help. That’s TOXIC AS FUCK. I don’t CARE if you think it’s weird or gross. Belittling, excluding, bullying, etc is invalidating someone who could use information and support and that is DISGUSTANG. I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT I’M SAYING. Don’t hop on the majority train and stay there because you’re too afraid to voice a different opinion so now you’re going to be a d*ck. It’s not cute nor is it funny. As Michael Jordan said, “Stop it, get some help.” 

All I literally ask of anyone reading this is to validate those who you know nothing about. Talk, communicate, and reach out. If you feel uncomfortable with it, that’s fine. If you feel triggered by the topic then that is also fine and VALID. Just don’t be an ass to other people who might feel the same way.

Also as a closing and before I hear “I’ve never seen this issue, you’re just starting shit” kind of thing I will have you know IT DOES HAPPEN. Especially on amino and discord servers I have been on. It does happen. It needs to stop.

 Instead of bashing them and then saying they're wrong with no further explanation maybeeee you should try something more decent. For example you could explain to them what respawn is, the effects to those here, how it works, and avoid anything opinionated until they have the facts (I’m going to use facts as a loose term being that we are a small and new community and we still need more scientific backing or experiences to gain more insight). Also you should explain that YOU DONT NEED TO RESPAWN TO STAY IN YOUR DR PERMANETLY. A number one factor, that I have noticed, is they take the risk to respawn because someone failed to inform them that they didn’t need to kill themselves to stay in their DR permanently. Due to this, they take the risk because they would rather do it than ever come back to this reality which may not be kind to them at all. And that is a community failure. Instead of bashing someone who may need help, talk to them. Inform them. 

⚠️ALSO FYI some people respawn for spiritual aspects but right now I'm talking about the suicidial part of the respawn community so if you're a spiritual respawner I'm not talking about that, I'm just mentioning the other part. 🧍🏻‍♀️⚠️

[weeklyfangirl]

Frat Boy Pt. 21

part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7 (1), part 7 (2), part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13 , part 14, part 15, part 16, part 17, part 18, part 19 , part 20

HI LOVIES. Please enjoy a Friday update on the Frat Boy universe. This one is a bit of a breather after the TUMULTUOUS ANGST of the last chappie. Shorter than my usual, but it’s all the chapter needed. Tons more y/n and Harry interaction on the way in the next! Have a safe and happy day loves xx

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Things I want:

Live a life that helps others

Financial freedom

Experience a great love

Visit the the Pincio Gardens in Italy

To have more dreams and fewer nightmares

Doodle more

Acquire a first edition book, either because an old  friendly man who owns an antique bookshop decides to give it to me in a bonding moment, or because I have accomplished #2 and I am celebrating being a Boss Bitch

To be happy

Please note: not necessarily in that order

 It was taped above my desk, waiting for me to bring it in to the next session. I hesitated to write number 6. It was a dream I hardly entertained after committing my scholarly life to pursue medicine. I used to love to doodle. All the time. Since elementary school. I doodled so much my mom dedicated a wall in the house to my illustrations. She hung a sign above it that affectionately said “Y/N’s Doodles.” Seriously, you couldn’t get me to stop. Even if it was gross sappy sketches of my crush Billy who I would NEVER show on the playground at recess.   

 My doodling stopped how these things normally do. Because life grew busier than anything else, and the sketchpad and easel my dad had bought for me at a garage sale became ignored, collecting dust in the corner of my room. At some point, it’d become a year since I’d drawn anything, and then it was two, and three, and by this point I’d realized I was the one who’d need to create her own stability in life and medicine was the more logical fit. It wasn’t that I didn’t see the value in drawing anymore, I just had other things take up my time. It became a comfort just knowing I used to draw. Paul had paved his way, and now I was on my way to do the same. At least with medicine, my soul felt fed. It was almost comfort enough. 

  “oH WE GOT A ROGUE ONE.” 

 A flying toenail hit my eye. 

 “WHAT THE-” I flailed my arms, as though there were a thousand more coming. Renny’s mouth opened in shock, her guilty body hunched over her bent leg. Clippers in hand.  

 “Sorry!!” Renny burst up laughing.

 “oH MY GOSH CAN YOU DO THAT OVER A TRASH CAN OR SOMETHING?!” 

 “IT HAD A MIND OF ITS OWN!!” she screamed back. 

 I blinked rapidly, my left eye watering up and spilling painless tears. “Well I’m going to have conjunctivitis at the studio later. Or I’ll be stumbling in blind.” I wiped it away.

 I heard another clip and she put up her hands with another giggle. 

 “All done. And you won’t stumble, I’m going to be there.” Renny extended her leg, her perfectly trimmed foot nearly touching the ceiling.

 “You’re just going to solicit Zayn to be his next subject.” 

 “Maybe,” her grin grew devious. “But also because I want to see if he captured the angelic beauty and complex nymph nuances of my best friend.” 

 I put a hand to my chest, still aching from uncertainty. “Honored.” 

 “Want to watch another episode until it’s time to go?” 

 This whole lazy morning had been an OC Housewives bingefest. She’d seen it on my homepage and had a complete spazz, twitching whilst proclaiming but i’ve been trying to get you to watch this show for YEARS!! When she saw the old season I was on, though, she didn’t have to question why her pestering had miraculously worked. She didn’t mention him aloud besides giving me a pointed look. And so, we watched it, even though I wasn’t really in the mood to see anything about Harry right now. It’d hurt more than I thought to walk away from him last night, and to see how sad he looked when I did. 

 After last night, he hadn’t posted anything to social media. He’d called, twice, but I knew he was drunk, or worse, and I was tired, and whatever he would say he could tell me in the morning. Even though I knew he wouldn’t. 

 And he didn’t. 

 And therein lay the problem. 

 It hurt to see his family on my little box of a computer screen, weird to see his life and get glimpses of his childhood. I felt like a hacker spying on home videos. But then I reminded myself that thousands of people had already done the same. At this point, it was just… morbid curiosity.

 “Nah, I don’t know if I can handle any more of that right now. Dr. Rhinecuff is going to yell at me if I don’t return these scanned copies to him by Monday.” 

 “Ew, he smells like meat.” 

 “RENNY!!” 

 “I’m just saying. That one time I went with you it smelled like pastrami in his office. He has a PhD, but isn’t with-it enough to buy air freshener.”

 “He likes pastrami sandwiches, let him live.” 

 She scrolled on her phone, not bothering to respond, and my gaze turned to the window. 

 “Hey Renny?” 

 “Hm.” 

 A bird flew close to the glass, halting just before it hit it, then zooming off in the opposite direction. “What’d you do when your parents were fighting?” 

 “Ummm…” I knew the question registered in her mind when she stopped scrolling, suddenly concerned. “Are your parents okay?”

 “Yeah. I mean, kind of.” I glossed over it, not caring to get into the bitter details. “I was just curious.” 

 “Uhh..” She plucked at the soft cotton of her cotton candy pajamas that were fraying at the knees. “I lost my virginity to Zach,” she half-laughed.   

 “Zach? Neighbor boy Zach?” 

 Renny nodded. She always sounded a little sad when she talked about him. Zach was the hot college boy who shared a backyard fence with Renny, the girl who may or may not have used her kitchen stool to peak over and see him workout on the grass every summer he came home. I’d known they’d slept together. I just didn’t think he was her first. 

 “I just tried to be out of the house as much as I could,” she said. “Found my true love Mary J.” 

 “Oh.” 

 “It was shitty, but I’m glad I got it over with.”

 “The divorce or your virginity.” 

 “Both,” she chortled. “Why what’s up? Are you sad or something? I have a j in my drawer.” 

 “No, no, I’m fine.” Mostly I was just wondering what it must be like to feel so sexually liberated. In my house sex wasn’t talked about. At all. The inevitable sex scene in every other movie would result in my dad blaring out “WHAT KIND OF MOVIE IS THIS!” in an attempt to make it less awwkard, but having it backfire and only make it horrendously more awkward. I wasn’t saving my virginity for anyone in particular, but after all those romance novels, I wanted it to be… something. I wanted to feel something towards the person where it would justify something I’ve kept to myself for so long. I wanted it to be intense. I wanted it to be like the books. Like a Frank Sinatra song that swept up your heart and transported you back to a time of gentlemen and cigars and women in long evening gowns with fur coats and martinis. 

 “I wish I could just get it over with,” I confessed. One half of me screamed YOU’RE IN YOUR TWENTIES HAVE ALL THE SEX while the other half said YOU’VE WAITED THIS LONG DAMN IT HOLD OUT A LITTLE LONGER. I didn’t know which part of me was compromising more. 

 Renny leaned in, quick. “Would you do it with Harry?” 

 Like the flip of a switch, I remembered the sensuous heat of his body against mine, wrapping me up and pressing me against him where we just fit. And I couldn’t imagine how much better it’d feel to be even more connected to him. 

 “Maybeeee…?” 

 But then there was last night. 

 I cringed. No matter how with me he’d seemed… he couldn’t have been present after mixing whatever the hell he took and a handle of alcohol. Did I really want someone like that? Someone who could only give a shell of themselves? 

 “No, I wouldn’t. Or- ugh, I don’t know. I don’t know if it could ever mean as much to him.” 

 Renny nodded. “I mean, don’t let him pressure you, obviously. If he does, I’ll kick his baby maker smack into his prostate. Prostate. See, anatomy. You taught me that.” 

 “Haha, no, he’s not like that.” My brows stitched. I was confused why he wasn’t more like that, actually. We’d known each other for several months now and he hadn’t even put a finger in me. When I thought about it, it actually frustrated me. Don’t pressure me to do anything, but I wanted to be pushed to do something. I was never the bold one in areas like this. 

 Not that I should be so willing to do anything with him anymore anyways. Something shifted in me when I’d seen him last night. It wasn’t a shift I could easily describe, but it’d set me a foot apart from my heart. A bit of me was shocked that it had happened so suddenly. 

 But this shift was new, and my heart still wanted what it wanted. I knew that if I watched any more OC Housewives with Harry’s toddler curls and surfer tan, I’d be sucked right back into speculating about what our future kids could look like. And if I saw him? 

 You were right, Harry. You are fucked. 

 I cringed again. That was harsh. That was very very harsh. 

 I didn’t know if I’d have the courage to apologize. What if my pheromones went berserk and magnetized me to his side??

 Renny was right.

 I needed therapy. 

 The clippers were tossed back on my desk.

 “Thanks,” she said. “Have you started on your DG Double P yet?” 

 DG Double P = Renny Speak for DG Pretty Please. 

 I groaned. “No. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, honestly. I have to-”

 “NO!!! Don’t tell me. We’re not supposed to tell each other.” Her hand extended in panic.

 “Fine. I can keep a secret.” 

 I was getting a little too good at that lately.

 She moved onto her belly, splaying her arms out in a dramatic fashion, face squished against the comforter. “Isn’t it just killing you inside.” She was dead serious. 

 “Yeah, more than you know.” 

 And I was serious, too. 

 --------------------------------------

 I wasn’t expecting people to dress up as much as they did. Donned in my only pair of yoga pants and a chunky white sweater, I walked arm-in-arm with Renny past girls in cocktail dresses and guys in button-downs. 

 Something that sounded like a baby’s cry filled my ears, but it was gone as soon as we walked through the doors to the on-campus gallery.  . 

 “Woah did you hear that?” 

 Renny nodded, tossing her head back. “There’s a baby somewhere.” 

 It reminded me of the bodiless screams in my nightmare. In my chunky sweater, I shivered undetectably.

 The on-campus gallery rotated exhibits throughout the year, but this time, student sculptures were on pedestals, nightmarish portraits hung on the walls, and red and orange tapestries swooped down and across the ceiling in a cirque-du-soleil moment as if to secure us beneath fire. Some students had separate booths, but other pieces of work trailed seamlessly into the next. 

 A tree made from photographs and newspaper took up the center of the space. Zayn had been so adamant about his muse having life, I wondered if that was the focus of this exhibit - to capture natural life. But I suppose all art did. 

 “It’s the circle of life exhibit,” Renny stated, as if reading my thoughts. 

 “How’d you know that?” 

 She held up a pamphlet she must’ve grabbed from the entrance. 

 I quickly scanned the room, hoping to find Zayn quickly so I could skip out just as quick. 

 Several of my professors were here, including Dr. Rhinecuff. When he saw me, I raised my hand, but he raised his cup of red wine awkwardly and looked away. 

 My hand wavered. 

 Odd. 

 Zayn was standing by the tree, speaking with an older woman. Her skin was a rich brown, short hair hidden beneath a chic scarf. The man beside her looked around the same age with graying facial hair, a pocket hanky, and beaded bracelets. Art professors. 

 I caught his gaze, and he gestured me over. 

 “Y/N, these are my instructors. David and Ebony.”   

 Their eyes lit up in recognition. “He did you a great justice,” David said, gray moustache twitching with the words.

 Ebony beamed. “Oh yes, a piece was already sold. He’s going to be the next big wig before he graduates,” she gushed. “Zayn, I’m sure you’ll be splitting the profits with the heart of the piece.”

 She gestured to me and his smile widened, but my stomach sank faster. 

 “I didn’t know these pieces were going to be sold.”

 Ebony sensed my concern. The wine in her glass swirled. “We thought allowing the pieces to be shown and auctioned was a good way to replicate what many of them should be doing once they graduate. The whole department gets involved, and these kids put in a lot of work, and the reputation of starving artists isn’t something we want to buy into here.”

 I nodded. “I mean, that’s great. That’s… really amazing.” 

 Zayn couldn’t meet my eyes. He knew. He could sense my hesitance, too. 

 “Now he can finally afford a nice dinner to take you out!” David proclaimed. 

 We were all quiet for a minute. “You know, for a thank you dinner,” David covered up. Zayn’s brows scrunched and he shook his head a bit, not knowing where David’s comment came from. 

 “Do you do this regularly?” Ebony asked, steering the conversation away from an awkward moment. 

 My ears pricked up when I realized she was looking at me. “Excuse me?” 

 “Well I was just thinking…” a light laugh lifted as if her idea would be outrageous. “Would you mind sitting in for one of my classes on Monday? Our model had a sudden death-” 

 “My God,” David proclaimed. 

 Ebony waved her hand. “-in his family. I haven’t called to replace him yet.”

 It quieted as they looked at me, waiting for a response. “Oh, I don’t… I don’t usually do this. At all. It was a chance thing.” 

 “Luck be the artist.” David raised his glass. 

 Ebony followed suit, looking at my empty hand. “You just going to let her stand there without a drink?”

 “Yeah, Zayn. What kind of treatment is this?” I teased. 

 He did a slight bow. “Apologies. We’ll walk to drinks, immediately.” He pulled us away, leading us further into the showroom as his head dipped low to my ear. “Renny just passed us to meet Felix and them. They’re through here.” 

 We stepped under an archway that led into a darker-lit room, but his hand stopped me beneath the nook. “Did yeh notice anything?”

 Yeah. I was noticing how close we were in this archway. He saw my eyes start to squint in thought and he turned me around to face the room we’d just left. 

 “Look closer.” 

 My eyes roamed the crowd, trying to find some sort of person, or pattern he could be referring to. With a brief seize of my heart, I expected to see somebody from the gang. 

 “Look at the artwork, Y/N.” His breath warmed my skin. 

 The paintings all seemed to be bright, though sticking to red, orange, blacks, and grays. Wait, forget a pallette pattern. The next painting had blue and purple, too. One sculpture looked like a writhing ghost, twisting and reaching for something above. Or maybe it was an unearthed tree root. Despite all the bold colors, there was something off-putting about how bright they all were. It wasn’t a soothing brightness. It was almost violent. The orange and red writhing tapestries warped the ceiling into something hot. 

 “Is it hell?” I chortled, but quickly quieted. I expected him to take offense, but his hand went lightly around my waist with a small smile.

 “Could be. See-” his arm extended out to scan the perimeter “-all this art is supposed to represent death, but challenge the notion of it through color.” 

 “How so?” 

 “Yeh know it’s usually your blacks, and your grays, s’depressing shit. But we’re born from death. Before life, there was nothing, but something. It’s bold and necessary and there, and no one really knows whatever comes before. Or after.” He looked at the room, taking a sip of wine. I watched as he swallowed, and I imagined the wine running down. “What is death but an uncertain existence.” He said the thought almost happily, looking at me with a slight smirk. “Could be anythin’.” 

 He took a deep breath, letting his hand touch the top of the archway. It was then that I noticed it wasn’t just plain drywall. A collage of photographs ran all along the inside. 

 He wasn’t as tall as Harry, but his hand still reached the top, scuffing across a picture of an African landscape taped over a toddler eating fruity pebbles. 

 “They’re pictures. Everyone donated one,” he said. 

 A strand of words were painted over the collage, running from one end of the archway to the other, and I tilted my head back to read it. “Things... that…. make... m..e …...feel alive.” 

 “Everyone was able to design their space in order to control, to some extent, how their art was perceived. Everyone was a part of the transition space.” 

 “Very nice,” I noted, slightly put-off. I hadn’t been expecting this art show to be so… professional. “Zayn, this is amazing. Like, really, truly, professional-grade stuff is happening. The presentation, the pieces, everything.”

 His smile grew wider, putting cool hands over my eyes. I flinched, but let him. 

 I felt him come closer. 

“Listen now,” he urged. 

 I listened, but I wasn’t sure for what. There was the familiar busy rumble of people mingling, parents visiting their kids, and professors droning on about the talent of their students. But it was chatter. I couldn’t make out one conversation over another. I shrugged up against his other hand that was atop my shoulder. 

 “Sometimes you need to change where you’re planted to understand.” 

 I hoped he could see my cross expression because I couldn’t tell if he was bullshitting me right now. It’d been a day. It’d been a night. And I wasn’t in the mood for more philosophical ramblings - especially about death. “I don’t know what you mean,” I sighed. 

 “Meaning I have to move you closer to the speakers.” He let out a breathy laugh. “Jus’ keep your eyes closed, okay?” 

 I nodded. His hand moved, tilting my head to its side. Eyes still closed, I became self-conscious imagining people trying to move past me, and here I was, planted, eyes closed in the middle of the archway. My cheeks heated. It was unnerving knowing people could see me when I couldn’t see them. And anyway, I must’ve looked ridiculous. 

 “What do you hear?” he urged. 

 “I hear a lot of people talking,” I griped. 

But right when I was about to open my eyes-  

 I heard a familiar chirping through the chatter. 

 “Birds?” I opened my eyes. 

 “Observance can be taught, sometimes.” Zayn leant back, looking mighty proud of himself. 

 “Why are there birds?” 

 “We’re entering life,” he smiled, backing into the space. I tipped my wine back, several long gulps lightening my step as I followed him. Immediately, I noticed much more natural, earthier tones. For being a room of life, it was surprisingly darker than the prior room.

 Renny, Felix, and Andre were huddled in the center where a makeshift wall-on-wheels covered in vines divided the room in half. 

 My eyes widened, trying to adjust to the dimness. “It’s a lot darker in here.” 

 “All intentional. They decided to play with light in here. People usually think of life being bright ‘n that, but it’s also when we experience varying degrees of darkness. There’s a balance to things and the trouble is finding it.” Understanding laced his voice as his dark eyes bore into mine, almost completely black. One look from Zayn and I was reminded of all the weight I’d been carrying. I fidgeted, uncomfortable seeing myself in his eyes. 

 “Y/N, get over here!” Renny called. My shoulders visibly relaxed. My saving grace. “You didn’t tell me you did this,” she said lowly as soon as I got close enough, shocked excitement barely contained. Her giddy smile gave it away though. “Miss sexy secret keeper over here.” 

 “What do you mean?” 

 She playfully poked my sides, but Andre and Felix avoided my gaze. Something wasn’t right. And it stirred my stomach, my body already knowing, somehow. 

 I turned in slow motion, the charcoal drawings in my peripherals stopping me in place. Framed amidst the vines, my face was etched onto paper, scrunching and twisting in various expressions. But my body was attached and twisting, too. And it was bare, bent over, spread out, laying down… My eyes scanned over them a dozen times in a second. 

 I was naked. 

 In all of them. 

 One was titled “21st Century Love.” In this one, I faced the viewer, but looked past them, sorrowful eyes, brows furrowed, breasts I’d never shown on full display. A hickey or two on my neck. A painful sting gripped my chest. I looked sad. I looked so sad.  

 Tunnel vision, a blurred Renny rushed down to the floor, and a distant part of me registered something wet splatter on my feet. 

 The wine had dropped.

 I’d dropped it. 

 I was trapped in a shell. My body was numb. 

 “Babes, you okay?” Renny asked, her voice somewhere far away. Somewhere outside the shell, her voice drowned in the busy rumbling, with the birds, with the watchers. People were watching me now. I was being watched. “Felix, grab some towels!” she barked. 

 I looked horrified, towards Zayn, but changed my mind just as fast. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t even breathe. 

 He didn’t know me at all. He could stare at me for a thousand sessions and paint every crevice, sunspot, blemish, and mole and still not see me. How was an artist this blind? How could he not know that this was the last thing I could ever want? How could he picture me so… intimately?

 The paintings seemed to swirl into one before bouncing back out into their separate exposees. 

 Because that’s what it was. 

 An exposure. 

 A stranger could pay to have me in their home. 

 The floor spun, vision spotting. 

 My lungs tightened, tearing me away from Renny, from Felix, from Andre. From Zayn, the artist who painted a confused girl so unashamed. So honestly. Savagely and Unabashedly. 

 “I didn’t want this.” 

 And it was when I was halfway out the door that I realized the voice had come from me, a mantra pushing my shell all the way home. 

part 22