#maybe this isnt articulated all that great

[massiveladycat]

blue: pjo mention red: legendborn cycle mention black: jst in general i honestly don't care much about the shipping portion of books. like, pjo; there are a lot of other interesting plot points than ships and pjo's never been just about romance yk? it's about so many other things. sometimes, shipping ruins shit for a fandom, especially when people are out here harassing people for harmless ships. when i say harmless ships, i mean ships that don't have pedophilia, zoophilia, incest, and more. scarily enough, there are plenty of ships like that I'm gonna choose not to tag or comment because lowkey interacting with people who scream at you for not liking their ship is something way too common in the fandom. also, legendborn. this book series has a lot going for it (if it can get better after bloodmarked..) but i see a lot of people only focusing on the shipping portion which is very strange to me. this book is about representation and ancestry and finding your roots, not about which boy bree should kiss. i mean, is the romance cute? sure. but let's stop shoving aside the actual plot for it also, mind you, the amount of people i've seen getting attacked for not being a big fan of canon ships is insane. some people think canon is some kind of holy grail, and that changing it is akin to sacrilege and I just do not get it. why does canon matter if some guy says “I’d prefer it to be like this”, and it's still an innocent ship? it’s just an excuse for people who clearly need to go outside to say “uhm actually you’re having fun wrong 🤓, leave this fandom now, you don't deserve to be here”. but also, mind you, if someone makes an anti post of your favorite ship or character /or/ a pro post of your least favorite, stop going after them. damn. scroll past. even block them if you want. it's not difficult. people are entitled to their own opinions and they can choose for themselves what characters they like and dont like. would you like to be attacked for liking/disliking a character? of course not. literally no one wants to wake up to that. TL;DR: sometimes, shipping can ruin a fandom, especially when people harass people over it, and canon doesn't have to be followed, and sometimes anti/pro really isn't that deep when it comes to book characters

[toastsnaffler]

okaaaayyy finally watched I saw the tv glow :^)

[thefruitbin]

something i like about the blue eye samurai is that they let mizu be a woman. And i know thats ironic since shes had to instead be a man, or let ppl assume shes a man so she could be safe or taken seriously. If anything they dont let her actually choose. idk if that makes any sense, but when i didnt know anything about this show i immediately expected the protagonist to be a man. Usually men play those roles, or whatever. So when i heard her voice in the trailer, i got excited! I hoped that she would be a woman, bcuz i rarely see women who dont look perfect, who arent wearing like skin tight suits or whatever portrayed this way. For me personally i always end up wanting a woman to be in the “mans shoes” or whagever the fuck. I wish i could articulate myself better. Like fuck they actually let a woman look badass as fuck, shes treated with respect in portraying her skills (by the story), and she isnt like the epitome of beauty (for social standards or whatever, to me she’s absolutely frickin gorgeous)

They actually let her exist outside of this lens of what woman should look like or act like. I know its been done before or whatever, but fuck it i barely see woman depicted in this same lens as a man and not make some joke about it. Shes not degraded to a sex object, her appearance isnt perfect or the beauty standard, she gets to be a killer and skilled swordsman in the same light as taigen. It felt rlly great.

I personally struggle with my gender identity, i feel somehow someway im not woman enough. So seeing mizu sort of go through not fitting this sort of standard, having this idea of being a man forced upon her, its all so complicated and interesting and relatable. Maybe that says something about me, maybe it doesnt. But im so excited to see where they take mizu and her gender. Akemi feels like such a foil against mizu. She fits the beauty standard, shes observed as a woman and has her own power. She’s unfortunately the luckiest a woman could be in the story, her being married and such was better than being sold. But still powerless at the same time. It makes sense why mizu was dismissive of akemi at the beginning, to her it looked like akemi was just a brat, but even akemi struggles with not being taken seriously. Mizu on the other hand doesnt fit the standard, being mixed, seen less than human for not fitting the standard, not being “woman” enough (the whole husband thing where her actually being better than him immediately made her husband like dismissing of her and possibly ratting on her as well) the whole constant thing of her “mom” telling her she doesnt have good looks, it often felt like mizu was fighting against not only being mixed and “not pure”, but also fighting against what a woman could exist as..”not pure”. She could not just plainly exist.

Gender stuff is so damn complicated and its something ive struggled with. Ive tried exploring the idea that maybe im trans, maybe im a man or nonbinary. But it felt so relieving to see mizu as a character. Something that stuck out to me was when she was talking to her ex husband. He asked “u wanted to be a man?” And she said something along the lines of “i had to be one” and it felt sort of vindicating in the sense that damn idk.. like me and my siblings have struggled with our genders and whats expected of us, especially within our culture. Ive had conversations with my sister like about how sometimes we do wish we were men. To be taken seriously, to easily do things without feeling so judged. Maybe cis people dont do that, maybe they do, its okay.

I just love mizu, and im so excited to explore this story.

[edenfenixblogs]

hope you dont mind me sending an ask being a total stranger and all, i just don't wanna bother op of that post

fd does bring up the fact kendrick is a BHI/hotep briefly, specifically that that's great ammo for a beef because to most people the bhi/hoteps are considered weird and embarrassing and would be insanely easy to make fun of in a beef (at least according to most black people I've spoken with & fd himself), but also he believes that drake probably doesn't even really grasp what they are because he's distanced himself in such a specific way from the black community (and arguably jewish community as well, though i think fd only kinda alludes to it) in a really specific way- BUT, that it was an evolution, he started out in a very odd cultural position where he was ostracized for simultaneously recieving antiblackness from white & jewish communities he was a part of but also seen as "not black enough" by many black people (and it's still a bullshit take people will have)

that desire to fit in is what led him down a shitty road, but also drake already clearly had some clearly terrible behaviors already. he talks about how kendrick was being unhinged too and isnt necessarily one to talk

overall the video is more about the music history behind it and the connection between it and the current culture, and just kinda what led to this climate that could want the downfall of drake

i dont know if i agree on drake not knowing about BHIs, though i could believe he doesnt with how he really weirdly constantly codeswitches even wrt jewishness, but imho fd doesnt like to touch on areas where he really cannot speak to the experience, he's said as much in the past, so he only speaks very briefly of the black perspective of how hoteps are goofy as hell

sorry for rambling, im really into music, think fd did the video well although i dont agree with all his opinions, and just wanted to articulate it correctly that it's really more about the musical climate than anything else :)

I don’t mind this message at all!!! In fact, I’m so grateful for it!

This is all really good info. I would believe that Drake didn’t know about BHI, tbh. I didn’t know about it until a couple years ago when Ice Cube (who I grew up loving 😭😭😭) did some heinous shit awhile ago and I was like “Why did my man come for us Jews what the fuck??”

And then a mutual told me about BHI and I looked up. And found a whole new group of people who hate, dehumanize and erase us. 🙃🙃🙃🙃

I mean, theoretically, maybe Drake may have had more exposure to it as a Black and Jewish man. His mere existence makes him more of a target for people invested in that kind of ideology. But also, I do and always have very much gotten the sense that he was ostracized from much of the black community for his Jewishness and mixed race reasons—not due any specific issue in the black community, but just because people are always dicks to people who don’t neatly fit into social categories in expected ways. I can also see how being a Black rapper in white-passing Jewish circles could have been very uncomfortable if those white-passing Jews were inclined to tokenize or exclude him. So it’s possible to me that his bilateral isolation might have insulated him from BHI discourse.

Tbh I don’t think code switching is weird in almost any circumstance. It’s just a development in reaction to your environment. I have a really multiethnic and multicultural family and code switch all the time. I think if it seems weird when Drake does it, it might just be because he has not developed (and tbh should never have had to develop) a strong sense of what “version” of Drake he is supposed to be. So when he tries to read the room and meet expectations, be just does it badly. But it’s not his fault in the long run. It is fault of people who expect him to fit those expectations in the first place.

I respect the hell outta fd for staying in his lane and only speaking on what he understands. And with this context I’m glad he brings up BHI at all. Because it *is* relevant. Being Black and Jewish ANYWHERE are both identities that permeate every single element of someone’s lived experience. When dealing with a beef between people where one is Black and Jewish and the other is Black and attempts to usurp Jewishness by re-categorizing it historically and racially…the cultural friction at play is absolutely relevant.

I’m sure it isn’t the whole story or even likely to be the most important factor in their beef. But it is definitely A factor and it wouldn’t have been right to leave it undressed. Especially when the beef took off as antisemitism more broadly was on the rise due to current events.

I am glad to know that most people still see BHI as a goody ideology. There’s still wayyy too many people who believe it, though. I’ve lived with the consequences of their hatred for white-passing Jews for several months now and it is…unpleasant. But mostly it’s heartbreaking. I grew up listening to Ice Cube. I used to cite James Baldwin. I adored Alice Walker. And finding out that they hate me one by one was devastating. But the worst part has been OTHER BHI folks using their words to justify their own hatred of me and all Jews like me while simultaneously making me feel like I was harming them in some way just by existing.

I want to be clear that I do not and never have believed that most black people believe BHI bullshit. I’m only saying that it was a shock to me the sheer number of people who DO believe it and how vehemently they hold that belief and direct that vehement *emotion* directly at me. It’s really good for me to know that people who aren’t Jewish are publicly speaking out against BHI bullshit. It restores a lot of hope for me.

So ok. I’m back on the “maybe I’ll watch in a little bit when I’m less raw” train. I also love music, even though I’m certainly not up to date on it. So I’m intrigued to know more about the musical landscape of what’s going on.

Thanks again!

[sukunasweetheart]

Thoughts and analysis + rambling on sukuna's character! JJK anime AND manga spoilers below. Pls read with compassion, im not great at articulating my complicated thoughts 🙏

When sukuna told jogo that he shouldve just burned down everything he desired to without worrying abt identity or the future, sukuna was most likely referring to himself,, thats probably how he became so strong

Gege outright said in the official fanbook that its questionable whether the people around him ever considered sukuna human and that he himself most likely didn't think so either. He was nicknamed the king of curses before he even became a cursed object, so sukuna really didnt give a damn abt what he was, or whatever nickname he was given and he just kept doing what he was doing

And he's never referred to himself as the king of curses, it was always the people around him or the literal narrator! Even the famous quote "throughout the heavens and the earth, he alone is the honoured one" was said by the narrator, or by nanami in the season one anime. Not once has sukuna needed to introduce himself to someone, they already knew who he was and/or there was really no need to, since he was going to kill them anyway.

The idea of cannibalism isnt a big deal at all to him, its kind of like a complete and final line where he really crosses over into the non-human area, he literally views everyone else around him as something akin to either a thing to toy around with or to eat.

And this involvement of "cannibalism" is actually very interesting to me, because if he doesnt consider himself human, and other people didn't believe so either, is it really cannibalism? Gege seems to blur these kinds of lines with sukuna so incredibly! Sukuna is always drafting between human and nonhuman, life and death, the honoured one and the disgraced one. He's like everything all at once.

Though his trueform may have extra limbs and mouth, in my opinion he still looks and functions mostly like a human... yet theres also many moments where we realise that he really is far away from the rest of the cast, both in strength and thought.

To show evidence of sukuna drifting between life and death, I'd like to mention how he has spoken soul-to-soul with characters right before their death TWICE now, first being jogo and the other being kashimo... this isnt a coincidence! How was he able to do this? We have no clue, perhaps jogo + kashimo were only hallucinating or maybe sukuna really is able to have a lil chat with someone right before they die like some grim reaper 😭

I think this is what makes him a really poetic character, the way speaks is one thing, but to watch him really reach out and have a conversation with his opponent while they are in a very vulnerable state makes him really like a otherworldly figure (even though he slaughters them right atfter).

He's not a human yet he is still capable of understanding the desires that humans have, and their goals.

I believe sukuna is a really complex and flexible character, I've never really seen someone be so many things at once. He can be serious, strict, playful, goofy, evil with only the tiniest hints of compassion and many more...

[seriousbrat]

hi i really enjoy your blog! even though we disagree on some things i like how you can articulate and explain all your views on canon without getting defensive or anything, it's awesome. i was wondering, who in your opinion was aware of snape's love for lily besides himself, dumbledore, voldy (though seems like he thought it was just lust), and possibly petunia? do you think people ever teased him and lily the way people do when they see a boy and a girl being really close? how would lily react to that? and do you think if voldemort hadn't existed maybe lily would return his feelings? their codependent, complicated friendship is my absolute favorite (and i think in another world sirius would've gotten along great with them). also do you think harry would favor one parent over the other, or possibly even sirius or snape, if he'd grown up with all of them in his life? thanks in advance, i love reading your thoughts on HP! :D

ahh thank you! Yeah I don't think there's any need to get defensive really, it's all for fun at the end of the day. Not everyone has to have the same opinion either, I think disagreement and debate are good things as long as they're respectful.

Onto your first question (which I love), I tend to think people were generally aware of Snape's feelings. It was definitely an unusual friendship, so people like Avery and Mulciber, and the Marauders, would have come to the (somewhat cynical) conclusion that Snape's motivation for hanging around Lily was because he was interested in her romantically/sexually. Imo it's not the whole truth, but it does seem like the most likely explanation for why a teenaged boy would remain friends with someone who opposed his beliefs and was detrimental to his status among his friends. I also think Lily's unnamed friends would have thought the same.

This comes up in my fic but I imagine that Sev encouraged the idea among his Slytherin friends that he only desired her sexually (this is also what he says to voldemort.) Partly to keep his status, but I also think there was an element of not making her a target or allowing her to be used against him. And since Lily was a hottie this was probably easy enough to believe, even though they might not fully approve. They'd definitely tease him, but I don't think they'd be above discussing Muggleborn girls in a degrading, objectifying way themselves. My version of Avery is a pretty disgusting incel type who is constantly trying to get laid so he definitely isnt above it. He teases Snape but also knows he'd be LUCKY to get a chance with a girl like Lily.

James and Sirius on the other hand I think may have had more of a clue as to the true nature of Sev's feelings. I see Sirius as extremely perceptive (when he cares enough to be) so he would definitely use this knowledge to make digs at Sev. James, having feelings for Lily himself, was more personally invested in the topic and likely clocked Sev as a rival for her affections early on (and vice versa, which only exacerbated the hatred between them.)

Petunia was definitely aware. BOY was she aware. And it rankled. Not because she wanted Snape (unless...... snetunia rise!!) but because it was more evidence of Lily being more desirable/prettier/etc. Like Sirius I think she probably used this info against Severus (and then they kissed. in a toxic way)

As for Lily herself, the way I see it she was kind of, lowkey, somewhat aware, but chose to ignore it. The friendship was more important to her. I feel like this is a somewhat common experience for women (at least for me) when you are kind of aware that your male friend is into you and its lowkey uncomfortable sometimes but you kind of make the best of it and try to be respectful to their feelings/not really think about it. classic friendzone moment. At the same time, I don't think she was FULLY aware of the extent of his feelings, though some of that was wilful ignorance lol. When people teased her about it she likely denied and deflected.

as for whether she could have returned his feelings someday, I think it's possible. I lean towards yes, honestly, but obviously things turned out the way they did. I don't think she was interested in him at the time that they were friends.

also do you think harry would favor one parent over the other, or possibly even sirius or snape, if he'd grown up with all of them in his life?

boys tend to favour their father, and james definitely seems like the "fun dad" type. however there's also something about boys and their mothers, so on a deeper, subconscious level, in the moments he needed to be comforted, probably Lily. OBVIOUSLY his godfather coming round for tea would have been the most exciting thing ever and he would have totally ignored both parents in favour of Cool Amazing Fun Sirius. Not sure how Snape would fit into this little family but as a kid I think Harry wouldn't have been hugely fond of his mum's weird scary friend, but perhaps when he got older would find more in common with Snape and they'd have some interesting chats. Provided Snape doesn't hate him for existing/hate his beloved father and godfather in this scenario like he does in canon lol.

[mellow-is-liveblogging]

ironically, a piece of mw art helped me articulate why i dont like most mw portrayals. i wanna start by prefacing that if you realize which piece im talking about, i do find that art beautiful and i Do Not think that it's part of a problem, it just made me think about the pair on my own terms and also this isnt me denouncing some great societal ill but if you wanna get mad at me for this post then you'll do it anyways so what the fuck am i wasting time on lmao

either way. i see a lot of art centered around how wolfwood feels about milly, what she means to him but i dont see a lot of how milly feels about him. how does she feel about the almost idolization of her- we only see the idea of milly, this big strong warm presence that offers wolfwood security but what is he to her? is he also a beacon of peace in a chaotic world or is he an emotional parasite? fuck if i know, most discussion thats crossed my path is only about how wolf sees milly but not the opposite and its all pretty shallow if im bein honest. like milly offers wolfwood security and normalcy and shes a mother figure and shes unshakably kind in a world that hates everyone within it and wolfwood is milly's malewife i guess

maybe im just misinformed, maybe i just dont look for enough content of em to see the analysis of milly that i really want but. i guess theres also the fact that wolfwood's side of things is pervasive enough that it drowns out the content from milly's side of things

this isnt a personal attack on people who ship mw like heyyy you engage media however you want who am i to stop you but i Cannot be blamed for disliking it if you repackage the past 100yrs of het relationships in media and present them to me in a form that seems new but is actually just a rehash of something im wayyyy tired of and also you cant stop me from voicing my opinion on it ✌

[mifhortunach]

was also tagged by @rhavewellyarnbag to talk about 4 of my fave films - ty as always! (theirs here! much better articulated w more to say lol)

Fright Night (85): when i get asked my favourite horror movie i always say this -its probably not 'actually' through like, the heavenly stats being counted to be displayed on the end screen- but i do always say it is, so that must count for something, lol. its fun! i love everything about the premise, i like just how very teen the teens are, evil ed is there??

Aftersun - i spent like all of jan & feb telling people to watch this movie! got that sexy archival interrogation thing going on, which i love, obvs. I love how different peoples' takes are on it, if i made movies this is the kinda thing id spend all my time wishing i was making. it also looks fckn great; somehow really gets across the feeling those types of holidays have, even when that isn't smth you've personally experienced- you can feel the warmth of the sun thru it all; makes really nice use of the camera (diagetic) and the camera (nondiagetic).

First Cow - i litch saw this twice in the cinema, like, in maybe the same week?? it looks so So good, and its like, so made for the me who was obsessed w ragad at 17, ygm? you already know the ending but it still manages to sneak up on you, and still manages to hit, which is truly That Cinematic Magic (TM)~

The Muppet Movie (79)- kinda a wild card pick tbfh, but its like. inarguably masterful, imo. there's so few films that run off of a show that are any good, and even fewer that do that while also; re-introducing a whole cast, setting up things for the future, and being musicals. AND it has a coherent thing to say??? - im not really a comfort watch/media guy at all, but this is the closest thing i have to that (that isnt like. mindless slashers ig).

tagging, if theyre interested! :) : @imaginaryurl @silverview @nonsensegnomes @bluestockingbaby @nobodysugly @brimstone-cowboy @cctinsleybaxter @thaliatimsh and you! 🤷🤷

[madwickedawesome]

having my christian post absinthe moment beware 😁 aka venting under the cut sorru ignore this or dont ignore this i have no preference i just sound . idk

i feel . so . indescribable. and of course this makes me crazy because what am i if i dont have a way to express it through any words???? despair doesnt cut it; emptiness isnt exact; anger is just completely wrong; melancholy has the incorrect connotation, etc. etc. etc. maybe crossing between verdi dies irae and prokofiev death of tybalt and stravinsky adoration of the earth?? i cant. articulate it and thus i am insane

i dont feel like i will ever be able to be a normal human being or like i will ever experience things like anyone else does . and like sure embrace that but im Tired of feeling so many emotions all the time. im tired all the time i cant handle this all or nothingness to life its either such reverence such holiness i am entirely devoted to them they are my world and my angel or its i cannot handle a single moment on this earth any longer everything is against me i will never be happy i am unlovable or its plainly. nothingness . its a lot to handle as a person and ive never been known for being great at coping with my emotions or my own theatrics

additionally i ? feel so annoying all of the time. even writing this im afraid someones going to read this and think Wow what an asshole . these are such first world problems and the way im articulating them is so pretentious stuck up asshole but i dont . know how to fix it . i talk too much i overshare my heart doesnt belong on my sleeve i dont Need to be sharing any of this with the world but i still feel compelled--writing this is defying my will, i assure you

(unsure as to why i feel the need to continue)

i cant love normally i cant hate normally i cant interact normally i cant ever do anything normally . the nagging, incessant, prolonged fear of those i love leaving me for these things haunts me . please dont get tired of me i can always bring something new to the table i will jump through any hoop for this i will put the stars in the sky if it means someone will stay . im Tired im Exhausted no ceaseless posting or writing of love letters or Yearning will save me im trapped in a grave im not even certain ive dug myself. i think im just like this and doomed to stay like this

i long to make music and i long to love and to be loved all ive ever wanted is to be loved but everything is in the way at all times . maybe i wasnt meant to be loved im not even sure . i give so much more than im allowed to take which is fitting as the?? court jester of my own life . so much of the world matters to me love is everything to me Everything and Nothing is my world . does this matter?? will anyone see this??? i cant even be sure . i just want peace and love and safety

[theresapartysoon]

read the supercute adventures toon boom interview which was a really nice read, reccomend it. it's just clocked to me that they're practically doing the weekly south park episode grind, which is kind of impressive. i think reading it though has helped me to articulate why supercute adventures isnt my favourite.

i started being seriously interested in sanrio after watching onegai my melody and that type of stuff is what had me interested, slightly serious drama/comedy messing around and having a laugh with cute characters that had great designs and strong intriguing personalities.

in comparison, supercute adventures is really just a comfort show. the thing that suprised me is that they apparently want to capture a millenial audience, which the interview points out goes up to 30, which suprised me. "there's no substance to this, i can barely get through an episode without giving up on something dumb!" i was going in expecting that high-octane trollish comedy and pretty decent drama that onegai had, when i was looking at something that was supposed to be soothing. i was complaining that jazz didnt sound like metal even though i had no reason to think it was any other genre.

although the character writing isn't that strong or consistent with previous iterations i like, that's not the point. they want to just calm you down, and after realising it i can actually appreciate what they're doing. i'm usually annoyed by shows if they feel like they're patronising to kids or try to be overly "kawaii" and overstep their boundaries trying to be lovey-dovey cutesy (because i watch a lot of cartoons like a normal person) but i never get that irksome feeling from supercute. it's made me crash out completely sometimes from any enjoyment i was having, it even happened with onegai my melody after i finished kuru kuru shuffle to the point i felt like i needed to "detox", but i've genuinely never gotten that feeling from supercute adventures. i can't help but respect it.

since im making a fancomic i can choose what direction i want (which will probably be more like onegai my melody because thats what i like) but maybe i'll try give it a chance now that i know what it's actually trying to be.

i like the kuromi and hello kitty episodes. they have a lot of potential as a dynamic. all other main characters are also just a decent baseline for the characters i think. sanrio characters are practically just a list of traits like a professional deviantart oc so having fully formed depictions is pretty cool, even if i prefer other more developed takes like super-style and onegai my melody.

[pwblogarchive]

July 2007

July 3, 2007

you are the best song ever written.my heart matches the beat (of the world) perfectly.i feel at peace with everything, which is rare for me.i'm out of breath but still grinning ear to ear.every time you stumble over your words but you keep smiling.it makes this worth it.feel the echoes of the stadium flushing through your body.cry out and raise your fists into the air.this is your anthem.nothing would ever matter if you weren't around.this has always been our fight club.dance until your shoes wear away and your legs refuse to work.sing until your lips are dry and chapped.jump until the earth shakes with your spirit.most importantly: shine smiles on me as i walk by.thank you for being my light.i cannot make it without you.we're just dressing up what's always been there.four boys and the crowd of lunatics who love them.this makes everything worth it.

Posted by xo at 2:52 AM "

July 6, 2007

weve been indoctrinated to crave the idea of the extraordinary ordinary

we accept the blogs and camera phones as mediums, not as in the transfer of information, but more closely defined to the idea of the spiritual medium...- as the prophets, the eye and pyramid on the dollar bill

we are just flies on the wall watching a culture have a nervous breakdown.

everyone is born between may 22 and june 22, even if theyre not- we are a gemini generation. we love to hate everything in other people that we hate about ourselves.

arrogantly insecure and vice versa.

and life lately is just always about the spins and collateral damage.

i drive zippers the way truckers know i80

sometimes the snow and ground frost shut us both down

in love with the idea of permanent impermanence.

so careful of stuttered over articulation, as though saying the word better would somehow make it mean more.

the worlds worst kind of diary.

pulled the pause button off of every electronic gadget in my home- i despise it so.

strangely fulfilled by the idea of loving strangers and hating my few remaining friends.

how there had to be an inkling in the head of neal armstrong to just stay on the moon and wait for the air to run out, besides the fact thats what we are all doing sort of in the long run only he'd have a better view.

July 7, 2007

“waiting on the world to change”

some people drink too much

talk too much

think too much

smile too much

ive got em all beat

crickets- but not in this city

and certainly not jiminy

its glowing with the heat of lightbulbs going off overheads

been staying up straight for the last week due to 6am flights and ideas

tommorrow is no different

wrote a long piece that hazily remembered tears going from left eye into right.. sideways on a tile floor

and another full of expectations and demands of the continent of africa....

sitting here unhindered by spellcheck or sentence structure

i am not of the head to press the submit button on either of these

they are derivitive and self indulgent-

not interested in championing misery, at least right now

instead i was thinking of how there is a spark of something great inside of almost every single person i have met in my entire life and that maybe it should be our task to blow on it and guard it, feed it ideas as dry wood- watch it burn.

instead of blowing it out.

easier said than done...

goodnight moon.

goodnight loves.

i hope to be back to my same miserable self in the morning. until then spark and travel safely in your head.

posted by xo at 10:20 PM

July 12, 2007

adventure is in your head. the capacity for it, that is.

for some reason the journal over at fobrock isnt working.

but just wanted to say thank you- its amazing to see a little video we did for the internet go to number one on trl.

today we leave on a huge adventure.

more later for now.

all the aliases hemingway goes by:

hem

hembone

grape crush

lil dude

hemitrex le strange

puppy chow

bubba

bubs

the fat man

the fattest man

the sad man

the baby old man

(the last four are used by joe exclusively)

its no wonder he doesnt know his name.

oh yeah- there is a new remix of arms race floating around the internet. we like it alot. check it out if you get a chance.

posted by xo at 4:41 PM

June 17, 2007

“dear man in the mirror: get over yourself.”

if the opposite is true than of course

bad things happen to good people

of this i am convinced

love only has legs

so it can runaway

damn the chesire cats and white rabbits all to hell

reading keuroac across the country is something everyone should do

its funny that a confidence man inspires just the opposite

cresting on waves

i wait for my dreams to break on the sand

breathing white cities off the map into your nose

there is mint in the japanese eye drops im using.

they feel like little piece of glass at war with my pupils.

but they bleach my eyes white even sleep couldnt save me.

i feel like the santa maria-

third in line of discovery

i want to find a new world with you in hand

i cant wait to make it back

i have chemicals to erase my old troubles and welcome new ones with open arms

finding the right formulas, adding and subtracting myself from myself

i am dreaming of the walrus and mysteries

and you cause you never know: just kick rocks, kid.

i had a spark that just wouldnt start

youll find asleep in the lobby of an airport somewhere

waiting for delays to begin or end

waiting to fly forward or back in time, only away from now

excuse me but this starts/stops and jumps from the limits of the pen

i cant fit all my thoughts onto the back of this dirty american airlines ticket

summer is when i still feel the most free

was reading of the late sixties, of dylan and a golden era

made me want this so much more

so glad i have three genuine people in my life no matter the first weeks or flashes

crush on me like new love or a drug

Posted by xoat 4:52 AM

July 20, 2007

“wowzers.”

fobrock journal still isnt working so i will post in here:

we left uganda after having seen the best and worst mankind has to offer.

after having not been on the internet for a couple of days i come back to find that i am engaged, pregnant, and have a facebook account- haha in other hardhitting news i just saw a gossip blog that had pictures of real life leprachauns riding a unicorn- pretty amazing how sweet REAL life is.

by the way if you are not speaking to someone in fall out boy over at falloutboyrock.com you are NOT speaking to a member of fall out boy.

we came to uganda with a plan for a video- we completely scrapped it and changed it after arriving and have made what we believe is a much more compelling and dangerous video. i am excited for you to see it.

i feel changed- little things dont matter as much. this trip has brought us so much closer as friends. the band is stronger than ever.

take care.

thank you for your continued support of all of our endeavors.

sleep hard, wish well.

p

July 20, 2007

“the lemon generation”

what follows are journal entries i wrote for myself personally on this trip. they are pretty boring and written terribly but i figured i would share this adventure with you... as the only reason WE are able to do this is YOU. each break is a seperate thought only they dont really make too much sense anyway.... please only share this with people you think would care, i dont feel like this should end up in some celebrity blog anywhere... ill add more later as this is just a few days. i apologize i am addicted to verbiage. thanks:

and today begins what may be the last real adventure of my life to a continent where life began. i am afraid and excited in a way i havent been in years.

gray skies, even grEy, leaving heathrow. time travelers. always backwards and forwards thru time. the lights of the coast bobbing with the bumps of the plane like buoys bobbing in the water. in a plane full of strange strangers were flying down the coast- which one, im not too sure, nor too concerned- im sure they are summering and waiting for life to crawl on as it jets by above them.

sheraton kampala- 8am today here, beats 3 am yesterday there.... the national language is english- though there are some 40 different dialects spoken in northern uganda alone. have not seen an insect or human worth having a conversation over or with yet. considering lowering my standards for one or both... and hoping as we leave and strike out for gulu that both the former and the latter become more foreign and intriguing. heres to hoping anyway. we drive everywhere in these funny taxis called "matutus"(?) the drivers speak little to no english anytime anything important needs to be communicated- and seem to have equally small regard for destination and speed limits- ah my kind of place. its strange to be surrounded by so many faces but feel so alone. at least coca-cola stuck their flag in this place- otherwise how could we beat the real thing (maybe who would even want to). first hour of the drive we get stuck in the mud, run out of gas and i have lost my malaria pills. we are off to a good start.

there is a torrential downpour outside. im guessing this is what they meant by rainy season. i cant imagine living here. (its not really hot at all this time of year. close to chicago in early september). as tho yr thoughts would never be able to dodge the rain drops as they fell- am i getting thru? i bet there is some great music and stories in those shanty towns we drove by. oh and the drive from kampala was semi-suicidal, cant believe we made it. dirtroads, dodging potholes and oncoming traffic- driving too fast for an ambush. i kept nodding off but patrick woke me up everytime he thought we might die. i wonder how many miles i am away from you right now?

t.i.a.- the acronym for the most applicable phrase ever. when the taxi never comes, or drops you off at the wrong spot, when the electricity goes off every single night, when there is sand in your rice- "this is africa" is simply what is said. at an ngo hotspot resturaunt- the only people that go to africa are christian or have a deathwish- not sure where we fit into that. so many white people it felt like the suburbs. there are over 100 ngos in gulu alone and the people still live in utter despair. at dinner people spoke of danger and missions- of the congo- the way people back home speak of gambling in vegas or frat parties. you win some, you lose some. the air everywhere smells acrid and burnt. ive been told its because people burn their trash here. walked part of the way in the pitch black , kind of as tho we had a mugger fantasy. oh well. ended up on the backs of "boda bodas"- these little 300cc motorbikes shooting off under the stars. and they never looked so goddamned bright anywhere on this planet as they do tonight in gulu. im gone.

i dont think anyone here wears a watch. honestly. its only either light or dark.

havent watched tv in awhile now. weeks, months. turned it on today- such a bore. spent the day in an idp camp pronounced "away" camp. tho i believe it is spelled completely different but the meaning of its misunderstanding is so profound. i am in a hole in my head. the rabbit went down but i havent fit since i was young. just in and out of sleep i have these visions. i dont know how to explain them. they would simply either bore you or scare you to death. they are between caring too much and not at all. between a detailed account and a jackson pollack mess. had them on the drive again. and again as the mosquito net rained around my dreamy head. i am intrigued by places that trade 4 seasons (not the one with roomservice) for a rainy season and a dry season. scratch what i said earlier at night it seems to be hot no matter what and in some occurences too hot to move or care. not sure of where i fit in this world.

i am convinced people can go bad, just like food.

there is more to this world than collagen and underwear-less crotch shots. i am convinced of this.

what we are filming is a dangerous idea- make no mistake of that.

i dont cry because the walls are too thin and i dont want anyone to hear me being human.

i awoke to a rainstorm that has never been heard in america. the kind that washes the sadness off the backs and out of the eyes of the tired and forgotten. it reminded me of how foreign this truly is. at toast and jam for breakfast again today. just two pieces. cause it was free. tho the westerner in my surely couldve eaten the whole loaf. toast is my favorite of all time. it is simple yet endows you with the feeling of timelessness and spacelessness. you could be eating this anywhere, anytime and it would even taste and feel the same for the most part.

i love times when everyone is asleep. the world seems to spin differently.

July 25, 2007

“loverboy”

i just wanted to express my sincerest admiration and pride for our friends in gym class heroes.

yesterday their record was certified gold.

and an exflame is simply certifiable.

posted by xo at 4:22 PM

July 25, 2007

"feeling the pressure, under more scrutiny. what do i do? act more stupidly"

his and hers mood disorders.

my friend drinks Lean. i didnt get the reference until he fell asleep in the movies with me.

more like passed out.

but its really all the same plus or minus breathing patterns and r.e.m. sleep.

oh and a note to you:

the nuts and bolts of love arent something that ikea instruction plans can assemble.

posted by xo at 6:41 PM

July 27, 2007

“the lemon generation part II: ‘the things i do just to make myself more attractive to you.’”

this is more of my diary from africa. again please be careful where this ends up cause its meant to be glossy and "celeb-rified".... thanks for hearing my thoughts even if they are kind of passing or boring:

struck out for "away" camp early. sneaking off on security. just wanted to feel indiana jones, only no hat and whip. we are on the backs of bodas on the red clay. mars dust in my mouth and on my sunglasses. the clouds scream golden as tho god himself was hiding just behind them (waiting for things to get good). my driver is tried and true. he reminds me of the way jack wrote of deans driving. we sped along... for once i existed beyond flashes, beyond the velvet ropes, beyond noho, beyond 900whatever, beyond the united states of.. beyond the milky way, beyond the solar system- waiting to be tamed just like in the old days...

i have a sense of impending doom

if we do not get out soon.

weve been roadblocked. machetes and spikes. fireflies can fly backwards and forwards, unfortunately for now we cannot. they are screaming at eachother, hate and spit hang on each word. i feel so small and alien. i fear for my life for the first time in a longtime. this is not indiana jones, there is no whip to pull us away- only shillings. today 5,000 of them were traded for my life. i dont want to remember or detail this or take it home with me. i want to pretend it never existed.

the airport in gulu is something of a punchline of a futurist's joke. though the humor would be lost on me. ive come to have a specific distaste for countries formerly colonized by the british if only for their adoration of "proper attire" at war with my own true love of sugar-y peanut butter. its a strange sight to see the poorest of the poor under the hot daggers of the african sun in long collared shirts and pants. at the airport i throw my cares over cultural sensetivity out the window (as i realize i am being sensitive to an anglo understanding of the civilizing of the uncivilized. and so it goes on and on until i cant understand my own head- for its become too hot to think). besides it would be nice to go home with more than just malaria and a farmers tan. so here i lay on the hot ground- dragons on my back, the blue eye sky on my face- shirtless. now realizing just how proper my attire is for the dusty dirt runway and questionable coke can of a prop which will carry us back to kampala. and away from the dirt and smiles and misery and love. there is an overwhelming desire with in each of us to put into words, to feel moved and changed by this trip- and i swear to god we each do in our own way, cameras on or cameras off. joking on the way hemingway lived through two back to back plane crashes in africa as we walk out onto the runway- able to romanticize everything- even a black out or a plane crash, so sad really- i laugh to/at myself. this is the magic of life. my shoes and all of my clothes are covered in a sort of red dirt- and at this point it seems like a better idea to throw them all away, with our cares, and start over rather than rinse them and constantly try to explain their history.

wishing away thoughts. it is in a nightlife minute that i realize i have to get out of this town. it doesnt believe in my love or my words- i want to remember, i want to forget the way i am a sad soul trapped in a happy body. i want to be owned by the simplicity of the midwest again...

life is a canyon and ive been on a cliff. i feel like im just falling in. from the plains of south africa at night. dear constellations please eat me alive- i am mad. the stars are so bright here they look million dollar movie set fake. digest me and turn me bright.

you are a world away truly, i will wait for it to spin around to me.

posted by xo at 1:22 PM

July 27, 2007

“you dont need a reputation when you're god.”

maybe stars and stripes mask the aching hearts beneath them, maybe we're all really a part of this, maybe our army is stronger than the centuries.

counted down the moments. planets colliding and imploding; all we see are lightshows because were stapled to the dusty carpet of our earth with our hands behind our heads. nothing looks as good as you feel.

trapped in a ceramic room, press your forehead against the cold tile and let the tears run down your face, you cant see anything through the falling water. let me be human. let me believe.

the roof of the world.

imagine four ships sailing in opposite directions.

west east north and south. this is the way my mind is pulled, inversely, and its completely out of character for me.

i am the fountain(head).

i lie only for/with you.

Posted by xo at 6:35 PM

July 28, 2007

this is more of my diary from africa. again please be careful where this ends up cause its meant to be glossy and "celeb-rified".... thanks for hearing my thoughts even if they are kind of passing or boring:

struck out for "away" camp early. sneaking off on security. just wanted to feel indiana jones, only no hat and whip. we are on the backs of bodas on the red clay. mars dust in my mouth and on my sunglasses. the clouds scream golden as tho god himself was hiding just behind them (waiting for things to get good). my driver is tried and true. he reminds me of the way jack wrote of deans driving. we sped along... for once i existed beyond flashes, beyond the velvet ropes, beyond noho, beyond 900whatever, beyond the united states of.. beyond the milky way, beyond the solar system- waiting to be tamed just like in the old days...

i have a sense of impending doom

if we do not get out soon.

weve been roadblocked. machetes and spikes. fireflies can fly backwards and forwards, unfortunately for now we cannot. they are screaming at eachother, hate and spit hang on each word. i feel so small and alien. i fear for my life for the first time in a longtime. this is not indiana jones, there is no whip to pull us away- only shillings. today 5,000 of them were traded for my life. i dont want to remember or detail this or take it home with me. i want to pretend it never existed.

the airport in gulu is something of a punchline of a futurist's joke. though the humor would be lost on me. ive come to have a specific distaste for countries formerly colonized by the british if only for their adoration of "proper attire" at war with my own true love of sugar-y peanut butter. its a strange sight to see the poorest of the poor under the hot daggers of the african sun in long collared shirts and pants. at the airport i throw my cares over cultural sensetivity out the window (as i realize i am being sensitive to an anglo understanding of the civilizing of the uncivilized. and so it goes on and on until i cant understand my own head- for its become too hot to think). besides it would be nice to go home with more than just malaria and a farmers tan. so here i lay on the hot ground- dragons on my back, the blue eye sky on my face- shirtless. now realizing just how proper my attire is for the dusty dirt runway and questionable coke can of a prop which will carry us back to kampala. and away from the dirt and smiles and misery and love. there is an overwhelming desire with in each of us to put into words, to feel moved and changed by this trip- and i swear to god we each do in our own way, cameras on or cameras off. joking on the way hemingway lived through two back to back plane crashes in africa as we walk out onto the runway- able to romanticize everything- even a black out or a plane crash, so sad really- i laugh to/at myself. this is the magic of life. my shoes and all of my clothes are covered in a sort of red dirt- and at this point it seems like a better idea to throw them all away, with our cares, and start over rather than rinse them and constantly try to explain their history.

wishing away thoughts. it is in a nightlife minute that i realize i have to get out of this town. it doesnt believe in my love or my words- i want to remember, i want to forget the way i am a sad soul trapped in a happy body. i want to be owned by the simplicity of the midwest again...

life is a canyon and ive been on a cliff. i feel like im just falling in. from the plains of south africa at night. dear constellations please eat me alive- i am mad. the stars are so bright here they look million dollar movie set fake. digest me and turn me bright.

you are a world away truly, i will wait for it to spin around to me.

[neverdying-d-e-a-d]

ohgod wjat was that.

hey why do i actively try to burn away and forget my past?

why dont i make an appointment with a therapist already?

i mean

i cant now

what if someone hears me?

...

i n s t i

tu t i o n

a l i z e d

what's that mean?

oh rock music, we're really in it now

okay, its not cool to make portraits of sadness and to self victimize

i dont feel like a victim

i feel like i deserve it all

what

do i mean anything that i write?

i really hope that i don't

or do

eugh

so confusing i'm about to cry

at what point does depression start to become going insane?

is it the same?

eugh..

i mean isnt it insane to want to kill someone? suicidal thoughts?

....

whaaatever.

i have enough love for myself and more

i just wanna talk about the war

._.

it's fucked up

feels redundant to say

but i think im allowed to say obvious things

im allowed to say whatever i want, as long as i think im a good person. right?

sometimes i wish i had parents that taught me to really use my brain

get the thoughts straight

okay

your name is [____ __________]

you feel

uhhh awe shit.

you feel

you feel confused

how are you feeling?

im feeling great.

okay.

your name is [_ _]

you feel

something is wrong

in your head

in the world

in the world

or

no, in your head

or

no, nothings wrong, there is no good or bad or

no, yes there is, you know good from bad.

or, no thats not true wisdom

or, no, thats common knowledge

true wisdom is foolish

or

i always end up knowing nothing

or

um

no, yeah.

your name is ()

you know nothing

you feel light and slightly confused and you feel like if you articulate it well enough you can understand it, you feel convinced

you feel shame remembering that guy feel up your thighs

you feel turned on

noooo you dont. dont kid yourself.

you feel turned on at the idea of you feeling turned on.

you feel basically only real attraction towards yourself

and some men

and

dont tell me youre afraid of women now, too? just because it was a girl what made you so weird as a kid?

point is.

that guy. you liked using him. you wanna hurt him. i honestly dont feel bad about that but i feel like i should

okay, i do

hes a person

so cute too.

but what a rotten little boy

god, its always the lonely emo boys

three times now

ive gotta get scarier, scare them off

no, that. eugh. only attracts them

other boys like boobed people who are non threatening

but those boys...

um

when was the last time you gave one of those boys a real chance? haha.

.

.

.

am i the problem?

sure, why not

....

i dont wanna talk to boys. women. i like women. boys

men and women are basically the same to me i just fear violence and well

....

im not crazy for feeling unsafe around men, am i?

....

i really wish i could ask someone who knows about this

like say, a therapist

eughhh.

im dying

writing is making me feel worse i should go to bed

i dont wanna have a bad dream

but

its okay to do things that scare you

but

it feels different to be in the middle of it all but

but

but

but i live in america

because

because

because my grandfather's editing team are dead

guns bought that ticket

and now im a privileged white british scumbag

living with black mold

maybe thats whats making me feel like this honestly

god i just wanna move somewhere clean

somewhere clean

will this poetry will make me sound insane because it's not beautiful

not worth it to care honestly

i still dont feel better

nono, lets try

im feeling better slowly

yes slowly

quicker now im finally feeling good

no.

im gonna take allergy medication and drop out of college and die on the street

im not really afraid

i dont deserve anything more or less

... right?

[matoitech]

Could u go more in depth about what u did/didn't like about the spinoff? Just curious as someone who enjoyed most of it but was a lil disappointed with the last few episodes

sure! i didnt like Hate it or anything there were things i did enjoy, i watched all the episodes, it was more that it just really didnt do it for me in a way thats kind of difficult to like. pin. i should state too that i was not going to watch it already bcuz i wasnt interested in the genderbend fanfiction characters being the like title piece and everything, but i gave the first two eps a shot and thought 'okay, i get it, this show is about simon and his complicated feelings about Everything that happened and who he used to be and who these characters represent to him about who he used to be' and then it just didnt really like, do more with that in a way that i expected or wouldve enjoyed, exactly? i like the idea of multiverse hopping and a bunch of different au versions of characters in a story, that stuff is obviously really popular right now and when its done well its done WELL. i liked how finn was characterized in episode 2. it was like, an entertaining watch, it just didnt really do much for Me, and i knew that going in. its really hard to explain like my negative feelings on something that are negative bcuz it just Wasnt For Me ykwim. and there r plenty of parts of adventure time that didnt really do it for me either bcuz it had so many writers

i read an interview w the director and writers and stuff and they mentioned that they made the series recognizing that the original fans were adult now and it was partly made for us and like having a more mature theme and everything, but i didnt rly feel thatit did that for me personally (which again is Fine), and i dont think it successfully captured like, 'more mature adventure time', i guess maybe in the sense that they can swear now? but adventure time itself is thoughtful and often more mature than it was given credit for at the time. its a kids show but a lot of the later stuff was made to just tell stories and explore ideas, whether kids like 'understood' it or not, they trusted their audience, stuff wasnt really like dumbed down. they mentioned trying not to step on the toes of the original too much too and i like did get the sense that they respected and loved the source material (some of the ppl working on it including the director were from the old team) but while the spinoff was clearly successful and ppl liked it a lot (ive already seen a lot of ppl talking abt how meaningful it was to them, and thats great, im glad it resonated for people) its like, read of the characters and world and the direction they wanted to take just wasnt really the kind of vibe i come to adventure time for, i guess? like i said it just didnt rly do it for Me personally in a way thats hard to articulate

i dont rly want to say anything like too mean abt it but ppl Know about me that i dont like Fandom Aware Jokes in media i dont think theyre charming and the spinoff leaning into that kinda stuff wasnt for me, and i get why bcuz its literally fucking named after the in universe genderbent fanfiction versions of finn and jake, but thats also something i never liked about adventure time and wouldve been happy if it hadnt made a reappearance i just thought it was going to be used to Say Something so i was curious to see where it went. so like from the start it isnt exactly for me ykwim. i dont think sailor moon reference sexyman ice king or jokes about alt universe versions of characters kissing themselves is funny. coffee shop Boy pb & marceline b plot is not interesting to me (i do like marshall's human design). i feel like not a lot of stuff Happened to me

and let me preface this next part by saying that i never got too invested in simon and bettys thing in adventure time so maybe some of this stuff WAS canon and i just completely missed it but i feel like the track they took w them and their relationship was like.. they were trying to say something but it wasnt exactly the direction i wouldve taken, which isnt a 'criticism' as much as its just, a thought , for me. i thought betty losing her shit and sacrificing herself for simon at the end of adv time proper was interesting bcuz to me betty wasnt like a completely selfless character, to me she wasnt MEANT to come off that way, she was interesting in part bcuz she did all that for simon but simon had been gone for a thousand years, she gave herself up to turn him back but didnt think abt whether he wouldve wanted that. she brought him back, but without her. its obviously tragic and i do get that like betty moving on now that simons like Safe at the end of fionna and cake makes sense but i was.. curious to see the whole metaphor w the choose ur own adventure book where the metaphor or whatever was that betty had given everything up for simon and simon had never took her own feelings into consideration or gave things up for HER and stuff, and all that about like, obsession, and uneven ground, and simon shouldve known better... and the show ending with simon saying wow damn yeah betty sacrificed herself for me and i never put her over me so i should live a good life. like okay but i thought betty sacrificing herself for him wasnt meant to come off as completely selfless bcuz it wasnt exactly? i dont think it was framed that way but again i COULD be wrong. im not gonna say that this stuff is not in character cuz again i dont Remember if this was canon to the mainline series. maybe betty was always a fan of his work and their relationship did start out uneven like that and i just forgot, i am not gonna say its Wrong. its not like 'is betty right' its that theres dif ways u can read like main adventure time series decisions and the grayness of it was interesting

and i dont say that to say like oh the focus shouldve been on Simons Feelings and not this woman who became a god for him its just like, i didnt really expect that direction of writing their past relationship, or the direction in general, and idk how to feel about it. maybe ill change my mind. maybe it all makes sense and i just didnt pay enough attention to betty and simons relationships and arcs before. what i did know coming out of the show is that i felt a little let down but i also felt like i shouldnt have expected much from something that just based off the series name was already something i expected to not vibe with THAT much

[vexingsmoke]

this is mostly just me rambling - because its something that ive been processing sort of slowly - and i havent been around much to talk or write down any of my thoughts - plus its been heightened recently - especially since we recently started taking our adhd meds with more regularity - but the realization of being a subsystem - and veer fronting a lot - has affected me a lot - for multiple reasons -

one of the reasons is whenever we - the smoke subsystem - have been in front - its usually been veer instead of me - and obviously its not tyr fault - but it still kind of sucks - even before the weird system thing that meant nobody could really front properly for like a week - i essentially only got to front if we were having an episode that i get queried by - and when im having one of those episodes - its incredibly difficult for me to have the energy or thought to reach out or talk to anyone - which means i havent really gotten to talk to basically the only person i care about for more than a minute or two - and thats only when i get queried for a moment - i could basically only be in front for longer if i was very actively handling symptoms - or if i was barely in front - like im just doing my doodles - and thats the only thing im doing - and someone else is the rest of front - and its really hard for me and veer to both be in front at the same time - which means that i just dont get to front much - and when i do - im usually in the back of front - and cant really do anything - like as far as i can tell - by memory and by checking message counts - i have sent 3 messages since ty was discovered - aka in the past over a month - in the 3 ish weeks before that - i had sent around 200 messages - which is a lot seeing as i currently have about 650 registered - and the person with the highest in our system is a little over 3000 -

and the other reason - and again this isnt really something veer can control - but it fronting so much - has kind of ruined our ability to eat properly - especially me - i like eating food - i usually enjoy it - and have a wider tolerance than most others insys - but veer basically cant eat or even smell most food without gagging - and sometimes ty will gag so much that we will fully vomit - there are a few things that it can sometimes eat - but thats mostly when its being distracted or not fully in front - and when we arent on our adhd meds - but weve been on our adhd meds - and its been in front a decent amount due to one of its queries being pikmin 4 - which just sucks - like we have vomited more times in the past month - than in the past few years - and thats not including the amount of times its almost vomited - but either managed to not - or we just didnt have anything in our stomach to throw up - and so it just wont really eat much when its in front - but not eating also will make us nauseous - which makes it extremely hard to eat - to not be hungry - to be less nauseous - and this extends to when its not fully in front - but just partially - which makes it harder for whoever is in front to eat - and its just so infuriating - fun fact - i saved this as a draft because i was having trouble articulating my thoughts - and we were gagging into a toilet again within an hour -

all of this is complicated by my - - - internal emotions and relationship with veer - or maybe you could call them my exomemories - i dont know - neither sets of emotions are particularly good - but theyre both different -

a big reason why its consistently near front - is because a youtuber that we like a lot has been doing a recorded playthrough of pikmin 4 - and they upload episodes of it fairly regularly - and theyre all quite long - and we always watch them - and so veer just gets queried and stays for a bit after - which translates to it fronting for a minimum of usually 2 hours every time an episode is uploaded - which is a decently large chunk of our day -

i dunno - i just dont feel great - and im not super used to this specific way of not feeling great - usually my feeling not great is just feeling a gnawing hollow nothingness - and sometimes some psychosis stuff - but this is different - and weird -

[neverbethat]

An angel that protects me and possesses me to be better, gracious, careful, conscientious, and observant. An angel that has possessed me and only goes dormant when i myself am doing well. 

Like i am the alien and she is the angel and i feel like a ghost because i am a primarily metaphysical human, explaining the dissociation which is also explained by my trauma which also logically explains all this shit

“Logic” to me is just the thought process i assume humans to have. I am smart so i picked up on it and i can have an average conversation while hiding that im simultaneously watching their soul crawl out of their throat and wiggle at me. I can be very analytical by their standards and say yes this resulted from trauma, yes it is delusional. But as humans could never fully grasp what experience, they will have to receive a less honest version of myself. I do not entirely believe that i am delusional, but i have this existential dread that causes me to worry if i really am just mistaken, if im just uniquely fucked in the head and im kidding myself

I dont think im necessarily very smart, but i know that im smarter than i think i am by the observations ive made since i was a child and by people telling me so. But i think people are just surprised by the way i can understand things. I cant articulate myself properly, and ive never actually been outstanding in school, maybe sometimes one among many with decent grades but never excelling to the point that people seem to want me to believe i am. Maybe it is pity, maybe it is self righteousness. I dont understand the point of telling someone something that isnt true, and still i get the urge to do somyself

Maybe human life isnt about what is true or real or and maybe whether or not something is “supposed” to happen makes  no difference at all, because who is to say what is supposed to be? The government? The church? My parents? All of these people i vehemently disrespect and distrust? That is who we count on?

Part of me believes that when i die, nothing else will happen and i will be dead forever. There are many things that bring me to question this idea, like our apparent loneliness in this universe, the unmistakable call of beings from beyond this realm… i sometimes get to questioning everything this way. Like, if me being forced to take meds makes me simultaneously sick/unmoving and horribly depressed and the only “good” effect is a lack of “hallucinations and delusions” - you know, what am i supposed to make of that? If i have the capability to be perfectly happy off of medication?

And i saw something i resonated with today. The whole treat the symptom and not the disorder thing. Or the so called disorder. I feel like having my diagnoses lifted off of my shoulders would change the world for me. So often i pretend i was never diagnosed. Pretending i was never diagnosed and that everything i feel is normal has been a great comfort to me. I occasionally indulge because if i show too much denial they throw me in a fucking loony bin. It sounds dystopian when i put it this way

Okay, so what? I dont understand why its so important to label me with a sickness, why the sickness is more important than the fact that i am legitimately audibly communicating with spirits and interdimensional creatures (one in the same on some level) and why is it so hard to believe when psychic shops line the streets of urban areas and suburban areas alike, when its so common in history to have mediums, psychics, ghost stories, alien abductions, etc. of course these things are hard to believe for people who cannot experience them, but certainly im not alone. I could google a zillion anecdotes about the exact things that get me put on brain atrophying sedatives. Angel encounters and possessions, alien abductions and spiritual connections with aliens, being undead as a human spiritually, ghost encounters. Almost everyone you meet has a ghost encounter. Why am i different? Im hardly even fixated on it. Im not really different than these people. 

Sure the dissociation/ptsd and mood swings are a problem but imstarting to have a hard time understanding why any of my other diagnoses are relevant.

[doodlebloo]

Also I can see how it might make sense for Ranboo to forgive Techno for what he did to Tubbo because he was under "mild amounts of peer pressure" (even though he killed everyone who was peer pressuring him literal seconds after executing Tubbo but I digress) but the thing about that is that it gets us nowhere narratively. Techno continues to not have to question whether he's always in the right, but more importantly, Tubbo keeps having to forgive people and ignore his trauma when he shouldn't. When Ranboo finds out what happened at the festival, either he actually gets upset on Tubbo's behalf, and for the first time since Tubbo and Tommy were on their way to kill Dream (aka when Tubbo literally was canonically so ready to die he didn't know what to do with himself when he survived) that anyone has been genuinely concerned over the trauma that he's been through, or Ranboo can go "I forgive him :)" and Tubbo WILL go "Okay, me too :)" because that's what he keeps doing. I'm not saying Ranboo is responsible for "fixing" Tubbo or anything of the sort, I'm saying that if this plot point culminates in Ranboo and Phil being like "Well it's okay Techno we're not mad :)" then what was the point of making it clear that neither of them knew about the festival, other than showing Tubbo yet again that everyone prefers it if he ignores his own trauma and brushes it aside to make others happy?