#maybe the subway can stay bc that was a cool idea

[lookingforhappy]

ill tell you the real reason five felt out of character

we didnt have this

the majestic uniform

nothing can compare

the combination of youth and age through formality.. the reflection of five being trapped in his past not only through his body but through his outfit as well. the constant physical reminder that he is a part of the umbrella academy, the group, the family. his inability to change out of it because so little time has passed yet so much time has passed. his desperate need to be a part of the group while desperately clinging to his adulthood.

ugh you were wonderful

not u tho

sorry pretty hair five move aside for uniform five

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

I think the bonds making both parties stronger/smarter is really cool! A mutual benefit.

I think that its more a neuteral magic thats not a specific branch. I mean branches have a trunk a trunk has roots. I think its more of a unrefined clunky trunk type of magic than the branches are bc its a linking of souls a linking of magics which reach beyond their branch. Im thinking bonding with creatures has been around for a WHILE I mean the solacion ruins are a thing. 'Life touches Life to Create Something New and Alive' and That predates the clans I think. So bonds might predate the life manipulation magic branch or something.

I do think the life manipulation mages do it more tho! Its just a tendency and they form them better (I think it should be VERY hard to unconsentually do a bond like that, its is a matter of Souls after all. maybe it requires some form of divine, maybe for mortals to do it they need a divine instrument of some sort *looks at the orbs the clans have guarded for years that Irida has access to*) Tho a life manipulation mage could Absolutely block someones magic that sounds cool and its fitting but poor Ingo.

Wait if Ingo has his memories lost and Magic blocked can he summon his friends!! DOES CHANDELURE (Which might be a pun name or something idk) COME WITH HIM? IS SHE STUCK IN HIS TATOO?? WHAT ABOUT HIS OTHER FRIENDS?? NOOO THAT MAKES ME VERY SAD!!

oh i really like the idea that these bonds are like, a primal thing, magic agnostic, similarly to akari's powers. i do feel like this veers towards making pokemon a central part of the world again but i'm not actually averse to it in this way? since like, the wardens are gonna be here no matter what lol so bonding with animal companions is gonna Have to be here as a thing no matter what. (also this suggests to me that akari should have some sort of special familiar. creation starters v2?)

oooooh also at the idea that it's a specifically divine thing. which for the draconids would probably be via meteorite or mega stones? and would mean it could only be done by the lorekeeper and other high-ranking individuals, which is very fitting for their societal structure and the control they have over the swordguards. meanwhile for the clans it would be irida and adaman. it fits really well! also Yikes at the maybe-implication that somebody could steal the adamant/lustrous and use them to force a soulbond.

re: ingo's companions... hmm. i'm not really sure if the twins would even have the full teams that they have in canon, in this world? if soulbonding is such a special divine thing, it feels like maybe they would only have their aces, or something. + the fact that they can fight primarily with their own magic & so a big group of familiars isn't necessarily needed. orrr maybe they have pokemon companions, but only chandelure and eelektross are properly soulbound? with the rest being support/companions that help them with whatever their job is, but not to the same degree of intensity as a soulbond is. which i guess answers the second question: at most ingo would have access to chandelure, he'd have absolutely no way to contact the rest.

...hmmm... but then you've also got the fact that chandelure is sort of a partner to both ingo and emmet in their subway teams, so i sort of lean towards the idea that she's still with emmet, and can maybe sense her soulbond's location, but can't reach him. so then emmet's stuck deciding between going on a road trip with chandelure to try and chase him down, or staying and trying to actually do their jobs. maybe he sends chandelure by herself or with another companion to find him, bc he can't leave himself.

...alternately to all of this: whatever happened to ingo also snapped the soulbond he had with all his companions, which is also why irida didn't find any of them when she did her own warden-noble bonding on him. which would also mean that not only would they not really be able to track ingo, emmet and chandelure wouldn't even know if he was stil alive. what if the soulbond broke because he died?

[tinyyoungblood]

hi!! adore your work love. could you maybe do smth where stark!reader has to get her wisdom teeth out but HATES the dentist so she brings her boyf peter and her dad w her?? and then when they get home the avengers are all waiting with like comical amounts of flowers and stuffed animals and then reader says some funny shiii and thor thinks she’s like dying lol. idk if that made sense but i’m getting my wisdom teeth out soon and i’m scared😭 thank u so so much love u babe

pairing: peter parker x stark!reader

a/n: tysm lovely :,) i rushed through this like my life depended on it, but i hope i’m not too late. either way, i hope you’re okay! it’s frightening but those bad boys gotta go because we don’t need that kind of energy in our lives. enjoy x

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

wisdom teeth? more like wisdoom

y/n has to get her wisdom teeth removed and it’s the singular most dreadful thing she’s ever had to do, which says a lot because her dad is tony richling stark

doing dreadful things she doesn’t want to do but still somehow end up doing just because she can is a personality trait at this point

no one really makes a big deal out of it since ~death~ is part of their job description, but y/n is terrified

and when a stark is terrified the only thing that will keep them one step from insanity is researching the hell out of it

that information will be info dumped into every conversation for the next few weeks leading up to the appointment

“y/n you need anything from the store?” "no thanks, did you know the side effects of getting your wisdom teeth out include ✨sudden death or blood clots✨ tho” “……..i have a coupon?”

the day of the appointment, peter comes along and literally doesn’t let go of y/n’s hand. he keeps touching her to let her know that he’s there and it’s so. adorable

he would rest his hand on her knee, gently stroke her back while holding her, or just play with her hair

happy drops them off and he’s too Cool™ for emotions but he knows y/n’s a wreck, so he just fist bumps her with a single nod and she almost breaks down bc it’s really affectionate

y/n is sitting in the dentist chair and genuinely nothing is happening yet, but she’s squeezing peter’s hand like it’s a sponge

peter might have a high pain tolerance but he’s in pain pain and he prays that his hand won’t just explode on him

the dentist notices how peter tries to keep it together and chuckles

“you okay there, son?” “yea it’s fine, had a better time when a building fell on me tho haha” “pardon?” “oh i mean i didn’t have a good time, i just had a better time”

because y/n is running Anxious Town™, the dentist gives her a sedative to help her relax 

plus, an injection of local anaesthetic to numb the tooth and surrounding area

she doesn’t feel anything and it’s GREAT

the procedure is quicker than expected and now the real fun begins

she tries to walk but she falls down so peter scoops her up bridal style and happy stays glued at her side

y/n doesn’t mind although she literally doesn’t recognise them and they’re practically strangers to her

but girly sees an opportunity and tries to flirt with peter bc why wouldn’t she

“you’re pretty” *blushes* “why thanks” “you should let your girlfriend know” “i should let her know i’m pretty?” “so you do have a gf? :(” “yea it’s you” “:)”

they stop for gas and peter goes in to get some water for y/n, and in her infinite wisdom, she decides it’s burger time

her mouth is completely numb and she’s practically leaving a trail of drool behind her, but she’d kill for a burger right now

so she wobbles around aimlessly for an hour on some random parking lot as if the ground might just magically open up like a rabbit hole and lead her to five guys

she’s going places. not back to the car. definitely not five guys. they’re closed. but places

peter finally finds her and he’s drenched from head to toe in sweat. he doEsn’T wAnt tO tALk abOut iT tho so she lets him take her to subway instead

normally, she would know that peter’s usual subway order is bread-lettuce-jalapeño

but in her drugged-up state, it had simply slipped her mind so now she’s staring at him like he’d just murdered someone right in front of her

“that- that’s your order?? no meat or anything just bread, lettuce, and a little spice?”

meanwhile at the compound, sam and steve are ordering everyone around bc they want to decorate this place before y/n gets home to surprise her

they take it very seriously too. they’ve watched like one HGTV show and said it’s our time

they finally get home and tony gives y/n a big hug, asking her what took so long

happy tells him that she was keen on getting burgers bc apparently someone has taught her that stressful times call for ~cheeseburgers~

he proceeds to look at tony with a pointed look

tony just shrugs and goes “she was a problem child. we don’t mention her dark past”

she’s swaying on the spot and keeps grinning like a fool and thor just stares at her weirdly before elbowing bruce and whispering loudly,

“what’s wrong with her? is she dying? should i start collecting leaves, i know this remedy—"

no one can tell if y/n is just happy to see the newly decorated home or if she’s just delighted to see everyone but then she goes around hugging the entire team

she doesn’t even acknowledge the sky-high pile of teddy bears and flowers everywhere bc she’s just squeezing everybody

y/n is so high, she just starts to spill all of her feelings about everyone and they’re already so overwhelmed by the hug chain they can’t take this too

“wanda i just want you to know that you’re like my big sister and you’re always taking care of me and i know you and vision are just going to make such good parents one day”

“bucky you absolute PRICK, you FIEND, you’re the best chess player ever and that’ll never change and i wouldn’t be good without you, i hate to say it but you deserve happiness even after you made me lose five times in a row yesterday”

“dad, you’re so strong and smart, even though we’re like never on the same page, you’re always along for the ride, i want to be like you when i grow up, i swear i’m gonna try to be as good to the avengers as you were to us” “aww- wait makes you think i'll be the first to die“

“nat you’re such a bitch about your protein shakes but you’re my best friend and i wouldn’t have it any other way, you can try out as many make up looks on me as you want”

“bruce, brucey, i would live with you in your lab for the rest of my days if i had to, whenever you ask me to hand you stuff i feel useful and important”

“laura’s way out of your league clint i have no idea how the fuck you got her but don’t lose her and i want to be your next child’s godmother”

“steve…we’re your family now. we’re always gonna be your family now. okay?”

“loki you’re not fooling anyone with your attitude, we all know you’re part of the family, you were just misunderstood and messed up bc of your dad–FUCK him by the way–but i realised everyone deserves as many chances as they need because of you”

“sam i would genuinely kill anyone who wronged you, even if they cut you in line at the grocery store, i would knife them no hesitation”

“thor, you poor golden retriever have been through so much, on my way here i made a wish on an eyelash for you bc you deserve better, your postcards always make my day, love you”

she mumbles something to peter that no one else can hear but he blushes and chokes back a sob

y/n orders hot soup and bucky brings it to her but before he even has time to react peter drops everything and ZOOMS across the room in .3 seconds

he barrels into bucky so hard they both go flying, but peter just smoothly rolls out of it and onto his feet like some kind of super ninja

“DUDE WHAT THE HELL” “😠 y/n is not supposed to drink hot liquids 😠”

all of this happens in mere seconds but sam has filmed it all and now slow mo clips go viral online of some mysterious kid knocking over the winter soldier

y/n’s a little in and out after that, but when she fully regains consciousness, she’s on a pile of blankets, surrounded by the team on the floor <3

* * *

let me know if this is actually comforting lmao stay hydrated pals

hc masterlist

[hqprotectionsquad]

College!Kenma Headcanons

hello! so i originally had a fic upcoming that fulfilled a request for college roomie kenma but i lost it so LOL so this is a general idea of what i had! (reason being it’s long) and i am still using tumblr drafts bc idc lol

for this sake of this headcanon set, y/n and kenma do not live in tokyo until they both move into the apartment!

You and Kenma have been next door neighbors for a long time. You just haven’t really had the chance to talk to him because you’ve attended different schools. However, you both applied to the same university in Tokyo, and he got in! You got waitlisted.

So you were ready to attend a junior college but soon enough, the university told you that you were accepted off the waitlist, so you’re kind of scrambling to get money to attend this school because the program you’re interested is very strong and reputable.

“I hear Kozume-san is going to have an apartment by himself for the next year at university, so I asked his parent if you could split the rent and stay with him.”

You’re literally gaping and blinking your eyes at this plan. “I don’t really know him though…”

“Oh, don’t worry! This will help us save money.” Well, since your parent is saying this, you suppose it won’t hurt.

Moving in is very rough, but somehow it all works out.

Kenma’s neat and quiet. He hardly talks to you. You hear him gaming at ungodly hours of the morning, but it’s such a contrast to the self that he presents to you and other people.

One day, you forget an important book you need for an upcoming class and you board the subway without knowing. Sure enough, right before you’re about to enter the class, Kenma comes by and hands you the book, telling you that you forgot it. He walks away like nothing happened.

So you try it again, purposely leaving a textbook on the counter where you know he’ll see it. Lo and behold, he comes to drop it off, and thus begins your crush on him. I mean, come on. He’s very kind and goes out of his way just so you can be prepared for class.

You try to have conversations, eat dinner with him - nothing really happens. He doesn’t talk much to you.

So you consult a friend and she suggests, “Why don’t you get tutoring from Kuroo, his friend? He tutors Intro Chemistry.”

“…but I’m not failing.”

“Use it to get closer to Kozume-san, duh.”

You sign up for a slot to be tutored, noticing the fact that most of the names on the list are men, but it’s not a major deal.

On the day you get tutored, you meet up, introduce yourself, and get thrown into a brief overview of what you’ve learned and reinforcing concepts that you didn’t understand completely.

“Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?”

“Um, yeah. You might have seen me at Kenma’s apartment, I’m his roommate.”

“Right, right. Look, did you really come here for help on Chemistry? Because you seem like you’ve basically got it all down. You probably could have done without my help.”

Bingo. “See, that’s the thing. I kind of wanted help with Kenma. I sort of like him?”

“Damn, and so I thought I could get a girl from tutoring. When the first girl in ages has a session with me, it turns out she used me for my best friend. That hurts, (Y/N).” Kuroo clutches at his chest, but keeps going before you can say anything. “Come to an intramural volleyball match. We have one coming this Saturday at 4 in Suzuki Gym, and then I’ll invite you out for ice cream with the team. Sound good?”

Soon enough, Saturday is here. You watch the match and Kenma is just so amazing. He’s very calculative and focused on the court and there’s an aura washing over him that you’ve never seen before.

After the match — Kuroo’s team won over a different intramural team — Kuroo invites you, as planned, to get ice cream with his team. 

You see Kenma in a different element again, laughing when one of the teammates gets soft serve on his face.

“I hope it’s okay that I brought (Y/N) with us. I didn’t even get to know her until lately, she’s a cool friend, Kenma. You should get to know her better.”

Without looking up from his ice cream, he says, “Maybe I should.”

general hq taglist - @dorkyama​ @kingkags @clowninfortodoroki​ @ykchaos​ @kingkagss​ @alienvarmint​

navi! | master list | tag list form

[agood602studio]

28 July -

Today I took the opportunity to get to know my subject more. We had planned this in advance, a day where we were both available. Weinung planned a spot by spot day taking me to her favourite spots in Auckland city, being a variation of food joints, her favourite park, and spots she would frequent, such as the pink path biking to work everyday. With each spot she had her reasons behind why it was her favourite and she compared it to New York and how different New Zealand was. 

Throughout our journey in the city I documented everything Weinung said about each place and came across a theme behind her reasonings and how each place resonated with her and her connection to New York. 

Documentation: bits & bobs of our conversations

We started in Albert Park:

Parks are the lungs of the city. I love the old trees in Albert park, it’s more organic, has a bit of hills. In Central Park they levelled it out, plowed everything. With Albert park they worked with the natural landscape. Since it’s situated on a hill, there are different vantage points and I like how some parts look out at the art gallery.

High St is my favourite st, tiny shops, it’s walkable, feel like you’re not gonna get run over because it’s a one way street. The only alleys that Auckland has is mostly connected to high st. 

Second location: Mezze Bar

The beauty of an old city comes from the second level. The ground floor is what people see in foot traffic. When u look a story above u see the history. Gives u a vantage point. Second story cafes/ bookshops is the way to go, it gives u a different vantage point. U get to see the beauty of the buildings. In NY rooftop bars are all the rage because outdoor space is prime.

Second level, beautiful buildings!

(Throughout our journey Weinung pointed out different cafes to study at, which I will definitely take her advice.)

(During our walk to the next location Weinung pointed out Auckland’s lack in public transport, something New York has down).

Public transport- something Auckland is missing out on is a good system. You don’t have the confluence of different walks of life, rich people just drive in. In Auckland public transport is not reliable whereas in NY everyone, all walks of life, takes the subway. So you’ll have immigrant, sitting next to a lady in a fur coat. Auckland u don’t have that, except maybe on Queen st, but that’s not the same.

Next stop: Britomart Train station: a place where you see people reconnecting. This is the closet thing that akl has to mass transit in comparison to subways in NY. The convenience of NY subways is something to miss. 

Next location: Bun Hut- Chinese restaurant

Growing up in New York you have your hole in the wall go to place where you’d get cheap dumplings, 5 for a dollar. We’d always go there coming back from school. Which brings us to the next place, a rendition of this hole in the wall. Places like these are unapologetic, they’re not aesthetic at all, just cheap good food. 

In Taiwan they’d have breakfast joints 9pm-11am with similar food to this place. They’d work through the night for shift work people. 

We went to two different countries today, in Auckland city alone. Spain (cafe) and Taiwan (street food).

I wanted to show places that was unique to me. Places that resonated with me and I remember. Everyone u know has their kind of secret spots and I wanted to show the little bits that remind me of NY. And I wanted to show places that I feel best represents design, not only in terms of looks but in function and good use of space and location. For example how High st is small and narrow so it’s very easy to walk down. 

Growing up in New York, I definitely have an appreciation for a city and its design and how it functions.

Next stop: The Federal:

They don’t have delis in NZ, so it’s cool how they make the food in front of you here like they do in NY.

Taste has a lot to do with memory, nostalgia, like a good ol NY cheesecake.

Key to survival: knowing the shortcuts, secret alleys, not climbing up the hill (taking the escalators). 

Next stop: pink path

I feel like you risk life and limb to go out here. This place is closest thing to NY, bc it reminds me of my favourite place, the high line: an old train track they were going to demolish. People had the idea to make it into a garden, and it’s been such a hit. Outdoor space has been so sought out in NY. It wasn’t serving its purpose anymore so they changed its function, into a garden with different seating areas.

When u travel a lot of people stay away from the major city, they decide to go farther to get the most “authentic” experience. If u go to the CBD who wants to check out office buildings. What cities have, what they’ve done organically is that they’ve tried to make it more liveable, because the reality is people do live smack dab in the middle of the city. There should be a mix of commercial places and spaces. The great thing about the high line is that there’s no way u could’ve done that with outside land. Repurposing something that’s no longer functional (the train tracks) and all of a sudden it becomes something everyone can enjoy. 

[Some photographs I took and edited with the look and feel of a film camera to give it a more authentic look, and to iterate a ‘live in the moment’ and a ‘captured in the moment’ appeal]. 

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.