#maybe that's why I've been struggling to write. I've always written for myself first but a big motivator for me was getting to share

[freakwiththeknifecollection]

Yeah, you should only create for yourself, but if I'm putting it out there I would like to know that I'm not just endlessly shouting into the void

[slut4evanpeters]

Beneath The Midnight Veil

Pre Death!Tate Langdon x Reader

song i recommend listening to: shades of cool by lana del rey

warnings: drug use (alcohol, marijuana and pills), sexual content (make out scene and sexual tension), mature themes (emotional and psychological tension, references to personal struggles, and darker themes)

word count: 1.5k

notes: hey guys!! this is my first fanfic i've written, and i apologize for any mistakes, english is not my first language. and i also apologize if tate it a little ooc, its really hard for me to write EXACTLY like how a character is played! But thank you so much for reading i truly appreciate it so much!! please leave constructive criticism!!

Tate was the embodiment of intrigue and danger. His tousled blonde hair framed his sharp featured face, and those big brown eyes seemed to pierce through the heavy haze of the night. There was a darkness about him that was both terrifying and intoxicating, like an alluring siren calling me closer. He stood against the wall, indifferent to the chaos around him, inhaling from a joint as if seeking solace in the smoke.

I had to remind myself to breathe as I made my way through the throng of bodies. When I finally reached him, he turned his gaze to me, and the world slipped away, leaving the two of us suspended in that moment. 

“Hey.�� I said, letting a playful lilt enter my voice, hoping he would break that impenetrable facade. “You’ve been a ghost all night.” (see what i did there😏)

“Maybe I like it better here.” he replied, a smirk creeping onto his lips. His voice was smooth, like velvet, with an edge of rebellion that slipped just beneath my skin. 

I shivered, not from the cold but from the tension radiating between us. “You know that’s not true. You're just running from something.” I challenged, crossing my arms defiantly.

He chuckled darkly as he took another drag from the joint. “What if I am?” He leaned closer, his breath mingling with the smoke. “What if I don’t want to be found?”

“Then why did you let me find you?” I shot back, unwilling to step down. 

In response, he flicked the joint, letting the ash fall onto the old wood flooring, his eyes never leaving mine. “Maybe I wanted to see if you’d care enough to look.”

The tension between us thrummed heavily in the air, a tangible connection that both exhilarated and terrified me. I could see the shadows lurking in his eyes, the hints of pain that spoke volumes without uttering a word. It was then that I made a decision. The world of alcohol and loud music faded away as I took his hand, tugging him gently towards the door.

“Let’s get some air.” I suggested, my heart racing with anticipation as he complied without protest.

The cool night air enveloped us as we stepped outside, releasing us from the chaos of the party. The moon hung low, casting silvery light over everything, illuminating the edges of Tate’s sharp features. He leaned back against the crumbling stone wall, the weight of the world seemingly resting on his shoulders, and for a moment, the facade dropped. 

“Nice out here.” he murmured, inhaling deeply, a ghost of a smile playing on his lips. 

“Yeah, it is.” I replied softly, taking a seat beside him on the cool stone. I could feel the tension building again, the anticipation crackling like electricity between us.

“Do you wanna try?” he asked, pulling out a small bag of pills. My heart raced faster at the sight. The blue tint of the pills shimmering under the moonlit sky.

I hesitated, but then nodded my head, a part of me craving the excitement and escape. “Just this once.” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

He grinned, that familiar wicked smile that always sent a shiver down my spine, handing me one of the pills while he popped one into his mouth. “Trust me, you’ll like it.”

I knew I shouldn’t indulge, but the rebellious urge to impress him took over. I swallowed it dry, feeling it dissolve on my tongue, and watched as he did the same, a spark of mischief lighting up his eyes.

Moments passed, the world around us fading into a dreamy blur as the effects of the drug kicked in. I felt weightless, my anxieties and fears melting away like frost under the sun. Tate hovered close, our shoulders brushing as he turned to me, his icy blue gaze intense. “You feel it?” he asked.

“Yeah.” I replied, my heart pounding harder as he leaned closer, those perfect lips just inches from mine.

The city of angels lights glimmered in the distance, but all I could focus on was Tate. His allure, his glide into temptation. I leaned into him, our lips meeting softly at first, hesitant. Though as the world around us spiraled into euphoria, that hesitation faded. 

The kiss spiraled deeper, a dance of passion and desperation, our mouths moving against each other like whispers of promises that needed no words. The cool night wrapped around us like a blanket, shielding us from everything else as he pulled me closer.

“Tate.” I gasped against his mouth, the thrill of the moment crashing into me like waves against the shore. 

“Just hold on.” he murmured, his breath hitching. “Just let it happen.” 

I pressed against him harder, desperation igniting the fire between us, my fingers threading through his hair as I drew him closer until there was no space left. It was wild and messy, our breaths mingling with the remnants of smoke and the hint of drugs. 

Tate’s hands traveled down, gripping my hips as he lifted me, pressing me against the wall. The cold bite of the stone against my back blended with the heat radiating from his body, and I moaned softly, leaning my head back as his lips trailed down my neck.

“We really shouldn’t be doing this.” he breathed against my skin, pausing for just a moment to meet my gaze, those beautiful dark brown eyes swirling with something deeper. But there was no way I could pull away. 

���I don’t care.” I managed, breathless as he found my lips again, kissing me with passion. 

In the haze of the night, the world around us transformed into nothing but shadows and light. I lost myself completely in him, our kisses becoming more frantic, more desperate, as if the universe had paused for this moment alone. His hands slipped beneath my shirt, fingers trailing up my skin, igniting sparks wherever he touched. 

I gasped as he explored my waist and my breasts, feeling electric currents where he held me. “Tate…” I breathed, each kiss becoming an insatiable hunger, each touch a plea for more. 

He pulled away briefly, fixing me with a look that made my heart race even faster. “I don’t want this to be just a high, you know? You understand?” His voice was low, serious, but laced with that familiar hint of darkness that was so quintessentially Tate.

“I understand.” I whispered, feeling the weight of the moment. “But right now, I just want you.”

The way I said it seemed to plunge him deeper into himself, that familiar war raging in his eyes. “You might regret it, sweet girl.” he warned, but the way he leaned in told me otherwise. 

“Maybe.” I replied, melting at the nickname and my confidence blooming under the haze of the night. “But I don't care.”

With a swift movement, he captured my mouth again, deeper this time, as if to drown every doubt growing between us. And I surrendered completely, the adrenaline flooding my system. 

Gradually, he began to push my shirt up, and I gasped at the sensation of him against my bare skin as the cool air hit me. The exchange felt electric, like lighting a fuse that sent shivers running down my spine. I wanted him to touch me like this, to break the barriers that lay between us, and I could feel his desperation to do the same.

“God, you’re beautiful.” he breathed against my neck, and I shivered under the weight of his words, sending a thrill through my veins.

Suddenly, the world seemed to slow. As our bodies moved together, as fingers explored and lips whispered against the skin, it felt like we were the only two souls left in existence. Everything else faded. A distant echo of laughter, the soft pulse of music. Until it was just us, dancing in the shadows of the night.

But then I paused, the warmth of his hands suddenly burning against my skin. I could see the tension rising in his gaze, the remnants of his demons flickering behind those piercing eyes. Reality crashed in, reminding me that I couldn’t get lost in this fantasy forever.

“Wait.” I breathed, pulling back slightly. “Tate, we can’t… what if the others—”

“Shh.” he whispered, brushing his thumb across my lips. “Don’t think right now. Just feel.” 

In that moment, the blend of drugs and desire won, and I nodded, letting him pull me back into him. There was a heaviness in the air, the feeling of crossing uncharted boundaries, and it thrilled me to my core. I could almost taste the connection. The lust pouring from us like smoke. Before he captured my mouth again, the kiss consuming everything else.

As the night deepened, we melted into each other, our bodies finding a synchronicity that felt insurmountable, like we were both too scared to break the spell. We paused only to breathe, laughter escaping my lips as I pulled him close, the shadows whispering secrets around us.

“Stay with me.” I murmured against his skin as I felt his fingers weaving their way through my hair, feeling the heat radiating from his body. 

“Always,” he replied softly, and for a brief moment, I believed him.

Then, as dawn crept closer, the reality of the night began to settle, the thrill giving way to uncertainty. The fleeting happiness felt like a firework, bright, beautiful, but inevitably fading. I saw it in the way he held me, the apprehension etched in the corner of his eyes when he pulled back to really look at me, and the clarity hit hard. 

He was struggling with something darker, a burden I knew all too well. I reached for him, brushing my fingertips against his cheek. “Don’t pull away.” I pleaded softly. “We can work through this.”

He hesitated, the weight of his past looming like a shadow over us. “You don’t know what you’re asking for.”

“Maybe I don’t, but I’m here, Tate. I want to be here.” 

The honesty in my voice seemed to evoke something raw within him, something he both wanted to embrace and resist. He was a storm, chaotic and dark, but raging with passion. 

“Just don’t let me hurt you.” he murmured, placing a delicate kiss on my forehead, making me shiver once again. 

And as I looked up into his eyes, I whispered, “You won’t.”

But deep down, that doubt lingered, gnawing at us like the shadows creeping closer. The night brought moments of joy and reckless love, but no matter how pure this connection felt, I knew it came with a price.

As we stood there wrapped in each other, I felt the world shift around us. There was magic in the night, but reality would come crashing down eventually, and when it did, I could only hope we would rise to meet it. Together. 

For now, though, I let the moment drown us. A stunning blend of love and chaos, forever suspended in the shades of cool, as the dawn snuck up behind us, threatening to unveil the truth.

[misc-obeyme]

I really debated with myself about posting this lol. I don't often write headcanons from my own ideas because I get so many good requests for them. But I was feeling inspired to write this. It's pretty personal. I've been wanting to write some headcanons for a fat MC for a while, so here it is. I wrote something similar about beauty standards, but this is more specifically about weight.

They were getting wayyy too long, so this is just the three older brothers. I haven't written the others yet, but maybe I will. We'll see!

older brothers x fat GN!MC - NSFW MDNI

Warnings: discussion of weight and body image, suggestive content

Lucifer

He notices almost right away that you're insecure about your body. He can tell by the way you move, how you often avoid anything that you feel will call attention to parts of yourself that you don't like. He won't say anything to you about it at first. He doesn't want to make you uncomfortable, especially in the beginning. But in a quiet moment, away from the others, he will deliberately compliment the things he knows you struggle with. You'll probably catch on and tell him to stop, but that will only make him do it more.

Lucifer always pays close attention to you - he wants you to be happy and comfortable as much as possible. If you're in a relationship with him, he spends even more time around you and sees you in more vulnerable moments. He sees the way you might look in the mirror with a frown. The way you grab hold of your round belly or your thick thighs and sigh unhappily. He finds this very upsetting.

Unsurprisingly, he actually scolds you about it, but he softens it with kisses, touching you gently in every place that you seem to dislike. His scolding turns into whispers of how perfect you are, how much he loves every inch of you. He hates the way these words make you teary. He hates that you feel that way about yourself in any capacity. Don't you know that you're his? Do you not trust his judgment, MC?

Be careful what you say. If you continue to disagree, he's going to make sure you understand exactly how he feels. You're insecure about the size of your body? You're worried that it's too big, as if that even matters? You think you might be too heavy? Picks you up just to carry you to his bed. He's going to show you just how glorious that body of yours is by having you ride his cock so he can watch every part of you jiggle.

Mammon

Doesn't even realize that you might be struggling with this at first. You're perfect, everybody knows that, even you. It doesn't even cross his mind that you might not think about yourself the same way he does. But he figures it out. He starts to notice the way you act sometimes, the way you won't do anything too physical, like you're afraid of the way your body will look while you do it. Doesn't say anything, but might try to coax you into things. For example, he might grab your hands and get you to dance with him if he hears one of your favorite songs playing. Feels like he's succeeded if he's made you laugh.

It bothers him a lot, but he won't say anything, especially in the beginning. He doesn't like that you worry about something so unimportant. If you're in a relationship with him, though, it bothers him even more. Mammon knows that you feel like you're not good enough because of your body size. You may have even mentioned it briefly in passing. You aren't saying it to him directly, but he can still tell. And he doesn't like it at all.

Not going to beat around the bush. He calls you out on it. Asks you exactly what you're feeling, why you think he cares about your size. He wants you to be honest, so if you try to avoid the discussion, he won't let you. Gets unusually serious, even honest, tells you that you're everything to him, that he loves you more than anything. Maybe you can't feel that way about yourself, but you can at least trust him on this, right? He wouldn't lie to ya, MC. Not about this.

He's going to deliberately worship parts of you that you complain about. Stretch marks on your belly? He's peppering them with kisses. Don't like your love handles? He's holding onto them while thrusting into you slow and sweet. Worried that you're too heavy? He's absolutely going to make you sit on his face. No, you won't suffocate him. You'll be too distracted by the heat of his mouth unraveling you to worry about that.

Leviathan

Insecurity solidarity. He knows he's out of shape, but he's a shut in otaku! That's just how it goes! At first he doesn't realize how difficult it is for you. He's unaware of the way you've been treated by human society because of your weight. He figures it out the first time he wants to make a cosplay outfit for you. When you tell him very clearly that most things don't fit you, so if he wants you to wear them, they'll have to be altered first. The way you won't look at him when you say it. Then he's quick to reassure you. Don't worry about that, MC! He's really good at making outfits, so of course he'll be sure it's the right size for you. It'll fit perfectly!

He notices the way you react to fat people in media the two of you consume together. You point out how fat people are always the comedic relief or the villains. He never noticed this before, but you're right. Starts trying to find media where that isn't the case. Where there's some representation of your body type that's positive. Loves the way you grin at him when he shows them to you. Hates the way you sometimes cry when you actually experience the story.

In a relationship, Levi won't push you to talk about it in general, but he'll say something if he thinks you're worrying about it. He doesn't want you to think that your weight has an impact on how he feels about you. When you're getting down on yourself about it, he takes you swimming, just the two of you, in a secluded place. You're comfortable enough with him to wear a swimsuit, right? Holds your hands while you tread water. See how light you are? The water can hold you no problem and so can he.

Absolutely loves to bury his face in your soft body. Tummy, thighs, chest, anywhere there's rolls, he's snuggling in happily. Grips every part of you because he just loves the way you feel. Worried you won't fit in his bathtub? He's more than prepared to make you feel good even in a tight squeeze. But if you're uncomfortable, he has no problem bending you over his desk, too.

part two with the younger brothers | part three with the dateables

masterlist | Thank you for reading!

[genericpuff]

I have no idea if this is intentional, but with how you've written Kore/Persephone, I very much get like,,, DID, specifically a very wrathful protector alter vibes from Persephone?? And I dunno, I have DID myself and my own protector whose very much determined in his rage to keep us safe, and it's very sweet to be able to see us in a piece of work for once and not have it be demonised. So even if it was completely unintentional, thank you!

Aww anon! This was sweet to read, and I'm happy to inform you that you're not the only one with DID who's relating to Kore's story in the comic! We have another reader in the community who's very outspoken in the Discord server and always speaking on their experiences with DID and how it relates to their analysis of Kore. So you're not alone in feeling that!!

I will say that while I didn't explicitly set out to make Kore a DID-specific character, I can certainly see why and how people with DID are relating to her and I think it's wonderful. I've been writing characters like Kore for years now, as a fan of the "alter ego" trope in media (and it's a big reason why I felt so attached to LO in the first place through the initial S1 setup of the AOW and Persephone being her "wrathful" side) and I've definitely had my own mental health struggles over the years that I think have certainly contributed to that (I don't have DID as far as I know, but I do have those mental "splits" in times of high stress that's almost similar to mania, so I'd be more likely to believe it's either just autistic meltdowns or MAYBE borderline personality disorder lol) Writing characters like Kore has always brought me comfort through personifying the processing of emotions and perspectives and conflicting thought processes.

So I'm glad Kore has brought you that same comfort 🥰

The only thing I will caution is that the topic of Kore and Persephone will get dicey at times. Kore will go through many ups and downs in the plot that will simultaneously be presented through Persephone. There will be just as many lovely moments to be had as well as ugly. Proper trigger warnings will be provided when necessary but much of their plotline will address some rather emotionally devastating stuff, to say the least LOL At the end of the day though I want to give them both a satisfying ending, so I hope we can all weather the storm together until we get to the light on the other side 💖

Thank you so much for reading, I hope you continue to find joy and peace in their story 🥰

[emmyspov]

Four times he wasn't sure + 1 time he was (Aragorn x Reader)

author's note: ahh, this is finally done! i started it last year but then uni and work got in the way so it took me until now to finish it. i'm super excited about this honestly, and i hope some of you will feel just as happy reading it. if enough people are interested, i have thought about writing a part two already, like "four times reader wasn't sure + 1 time they were" - what do you think? as always, i tried to keep reader's looks etc. really vague, if there is something you think can be adjusted to make it even more inclusive, please let me know!

warnings: english isn't my first language, mentions of blood, war, death, canon lotr fights, let me know if i forgot something :)

word count: 2.4 k (I think that's the longest fic i've written!)

gif by @dunderklumpen

The first time

"What were you thinking, Strider?", you hissed as the man sat down next to you at the campfire.

"Going out there all by yourself, with no backup. What if a herd of orcs had found you, huh? What then?"

Aragorn could tell you were mad.

"You could have been killed!"

He wasn't even sure if that alone was enough to describe the intense emotions you were displaying right now.

"Darling, I-"

You cut him off. "I don't want to hear it, Aragron. This was dangerous. Something bad could have happened to you."

He hated this. He hated how your voice wavered, either with anger or fear or both. He wanted to see that pretty smile back on your face.

"I can take care of myself."

You took a deep breath. You knew he was right. After all, he was a Ranger from the north who's been riding through the wild all by himself for years, keeping others and himself safe.

Aragorn could tell that something had changed in your demeanor. The wild gesturing of your hands slowed down and your eyes had softened again.

"I know you can", you started as you fumbled around with your hands. "But... What I've been trying to say is that I worry. All the time, about everyone and everything. And when I realised that you were the only one gone from the group and out there without anyone who could help you in case of an attack, something inside me flipped. My worry for you was clouding any rational judgement."

You fell silent for a moment.

"You have the weight of the world on your shoulders, Aragorn. I'm sorry I raised my voice at you. I am just asking, begging you, please don't shut me out. Let me help you carry this weight. You don't have to be the lone ranger any longer. Allow me to take care of you. Let me in."

The crownless king was, quite literally, speechless. Your words had knocked the air out of his lungs.

Would your reaction have been the same if had been Legolas or Boromir who strayed away from the group? He wasn't sure. But then again, it didn't really matter. You cared about him. So much that you became sick with worry when the possibility of something bad happening to him arose.

The thought alone brought a smile to his face, making the skin crinkle around his eyes.

You would never get enough of that sight.

"I promise, I will try my very best to do exactly that", Aragon answered before he paused, thinking about whether he should make you an offer or not. He decided to take the risk. "Maybe, next time, you could accompany me."

Your eyes lit up and he knew he made the right decision. "I would love to."

His chest felt light.

The second time

You've always been someone who gave people their privacy. After all, you didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable around you, but the way you saw Aragorn struggle right this moment made you second guess that decision.

He could feel your eyes on him. He knew you were watching him and yet, he didn't want to take the first step. He hated to be a burden which was exactly the reason why he wasn't going to ask you for help.

Maybe Legolas would assist him with applying the ointment on his back, or maybe- his train of thoughts came to a halt.

He promised you.

He promised he'd do his best to let you in, let you take care of him.

Instead of calling out your name, his eyes locked with yours and he silently pleaded you'd understand.

You did. Of course you did.

With just a few steps, you were standing next to the man, resulting in him letting out a sigh of relief.

His hair was wet from bathing in the lake closeby and the dirt that was usually decorating his face had also been washed away.

"Do you need any help?"

He's sure that he never heard a voice as sweet as yours, basically dripping with kindness.

He nodded. "If you don't mind."

A smile graced your features. "Not when it comes to you, my king."

You took the small container from Aragon's hand which was filled with ointment, made by Elrond to help heal wounds and relieve some pain.

You gestured for the ranger to sit down in front of you and he dropped to his knees without hesitation, his bare back to you.

You scooped up a bit of the tincture. "I apologise for my cold hands", you whispered before gently applying it to the ranger's skin.

He shuddered as soon as your fingers touched him and he tried to convince himself the goosebumps that arose on his skin were caused by the cold, not you.

You could feel Aragorn melt into your touch. His breath evened out and for a second, you even thought he had fallen asleep which was, truly, the only reason you started to trace over some old scars on his back, careful not to cause the ranger any pain.

"They don't hurt", he suddenly spoke and you flinched.

"I- My apologies, I didn’t... think, know- I-" You let out a huff of embarrassment, causing the crownless king to chuckle slightly.

A peaceful silence fell over you while you continued to rub the balm into Aragorn's shoulders and down his back, making sure to not only treat his more recent wounds.

"Where did you get this one", you carefully asked as you caressed a scar on his upper back.

And so, the ranger started to tell you the first story of many about life in the wilderness while you took care of him.

Both of you pretended not to notice when your lips brushed his skin every time he finished an anecdote of his life.

Even if that had been his last evening in middle earth, Aragorn would have been content. He got to spend it with you.

The third time

He didn't know how you did it. How you, despite of all the running, fighting and extreme weather conditions, managed to look absolutely breathtaking.

It was unfair, really.

Not that something as simple as one's looks impressed Aragorn, no.

It was just you he liked to look at because all he could think about were your beautiful brain and warm heart whenever his eyes fell on you.

It was his turn to stay up and keep watch of the fellowship's campsite, making sure they'd get through the night without an incident.

It was a calm night, there was no danger to be seen and although the crownless king stayed alert of their surroundings, he couldn't help but let his eyes drift to you every once in a while.

He was glad you were finally getting some well deserved rest after everything that has happened so far.

As if you could feel somebody watching you, you woke up. Keeping still, you checked the area around you without a single turn of your head.

Aragorn was keeping the night watch and you immediately felt a wave of calm wash over you. If he was sitting around so comfortably, you knew you could feel safe.

But then again, you also felt sorry for the ranger. Although he was running from his destiny, he had made it his mission to keep the whole fellowship safe and alive which was quite the heavy burden to carry.

You could see it, too. His tired eyes or the way at least one part of his body was always tense, ready to fight.

You let out a soft sigh and got up from your sleeping mat, quietly walking over to the man as you tried not to disturb the others.

"Y/N", he spoke softly, "Go back to sleep. You will need the rest."

Instead of answering, you plopped down next to him, his arm brushing yours.

"I can't lay down, pretending not to see you doubt yourself, even at night when everyone else entrusts you with everything they have. You think too much, Aragorn. Let that head of yours come to a rest."

Maybe it was the intimacy of the dark, but when you gestured for him to lay his head in your lap, he didn't fight it. Not for too long, anyway. There was some hesitation, but you looked too warm and too comfortable for him to miss out on this opportunity.

A sigh of relief left his lips as his head made contact with your thighs, the rest of his body turning into a ball.

A rare moment of vulnerability.

You were fighting your own urges for a while before finally letting your heart take over and bringing your fingers up to his head.

Carefully, you started to brush through the ranger's dark curls, removing any small knots along the way.

After a moment of fear that you might have overstepped his boundaries, your heart immediately felt lighter when you noticed him practically melting into your touch while he let out a relaxed groan.

"Does that feel good?"

Aragorn hummed and you smiled to yourself, deciding to go all in.

Your hands moved up his head, gently scratching his scalp for quite some time before massaging his temples.

You've never seen the ranger so blissed out.

Aragorn, on the other hand, couldn't remember the last time he felt so at peace. Your hands were like heaven in his hair and he wondered how they would feel holding his own hands in times of difficulty or against his cheeks while leaning in for a kiss.

He let himself indulge in those fantasies, not putting an end to them, despite the fact you weren't his.

When all this was over, he decided, he would ask you to stay with him.

The fourth time

The next time, there wasn't even hesitation. When you reunited with the man after the battle of Helm's Deep and saw him covered in blood - which wasn't his own, he assured you - you immediately pulled him aside, your hands cupping his face.

"Aragorn", you breathed and leaned your forehead against his.

"It is not over yet, Y/N", he replied as he took your hands, gently squeezing them.

"I feared for that, but let us celebrate this win. For now, let us take pride in the fact that evil did not win. There is still hope."

He grinned. "You are using my words against me, my darling."

"Someone has to", you mused, "otherwise you will never realise the power behind your words. And now sit down and let me clean your face before the blood dries completely."

He followed your instructions without any complaints.

You grabbed a bowl of water and a clean enough cloth and kneeled down in front of the king.

If it had been anyone else, you might have felt vulnerable or disrespected, but not in this situation.

You dipped the piece of fabric into the warm water before bringing it up to the king's face, gently wiping the blood off of his cheek.

His eyes were fixed on you. He wasn't sure how anyone could look so beautiful while being so focused. The urge to ease the tension between your eyebrows bubbled up in his chest and he desperately wanted to kiss that exact spot. But he couldn't. You weren't his and he still wasn't sure if you wanted to be.

Your voice interrupted his train of thoughts.

"Stop me if this is inappropriate, my king", you murmured after you had stood up and were now mere inches away from his face, brushing his hair back to clean his forehead.

He gulped, trying to ignore how nice you smelt, even during times of war and blood and how the use of his title didn't make him uncomfortable when you said it.

"No, this is nice", Aragorn finally replied and mentally scolded himself for sounding so unsure.

When you were done cleaning his face, you put the bowl down and turned back around to him.

"I can get you some more water if you wish to remove the blood from your chest."

He didn't want you to leave, but it would be selfish to ask you to stay when there were others who might need your assistance, so he shook his head.

"I am well enough, thank you for your help."

You tilted your head, eyes locking with his.

"You are too stubborn for your own good", you sighed. "Go and prepare what you have to, let us help the others, but tonight", you pointed at his chest, "tonight, we'll take a look at your torso."

Aragorn tried to surpress his smirk, failing miserably. "Yes, your majesty."

You rolled your eyes, a fond smile on your lips.

+1

The fight was over.

Aragorn wasn't sure how to feel when all he's ever really known was blood and war and his own swords clashing against the enemys' weapons.

But it was over.

The ring had been destroyed and by some miracle, most of the good ones had made it out alive, you included.

His heart felt suddenly very heavy as his eyes landed on your form, not knowing how you envisioned your future now that the quest had been completed.

Your eyes found his and without thinking, you ran over to the king, throwing your arms around his neck.

"We won, Aragorn", you whispered into his ear and hugged the man even tighter.

It was hard to ignore the happiness bubbling up in his chest as he felt your body against his and the joy in your voice in his ears.

"My darling", he whispered and your heart skipped a beat, "stay with me. Stay by my side and let us, together, create a world of peace for the people now and the generations that will follow."

You stared at him, not believing your own ears.

Aragorn understood your silence as reluctance and took a step back.

"It seems I have misunderstood the situation when I believed you wanted to be mine as well, I apologise for the-"

Your lips crashed against his.

"No, my king." You let out a breath of relief. "It was me who did not believe your heart could want me in that way. For as long as you want me, you will have me. I'm eternally yours."

This time it was Aragorn who pressed his lips against yours, making you lose your mind with a single gesture.

"Aye, took the lad long enough to make his move", Gimli said and looked up at the elf who eyed his new-found friend.

"I told you though. They would end up together eventually."

Just like destiny intended.

[justice4canyonmoon]

harry being all shaky and scared after having a bad dream 🥺 but you wake up because you hear him crying and you comfort him with kisses and stuff

wow, this is the first thing I've written in a long time! Couldn't get myself into the headspace I need to write smut, but I really liked this prompt, so here we are :) It's a bit on the short side, but I think it's quite cute! Hope you enjoy :)

warnings: nightmares, car accident

WC: 641

“Gemma!”

He woke up with a gasp of his sister’s name, hands trembling with shaky breaths. The dream was awful: you, his mother, and his sister were all driving to one of his shows when a drunk driver hit you head on, killing you and Anne on the spot. Gemma had been taken to a hospital, and the near scream of her name that happened when he woke up was when the heart monitor stopped beating. His heart thumped in his chest, and he turned to the bed beside him to look at you, focusing on the way your chest moved with every breath, assuring him that you were alive. 

Harry turned so he was facing away from you, trying to regulate his breathing without waking you. But every time he took a breath in, it was harder and harder to take the next. It wasn’t long until he found his face wet with tears, thinking about the way he was forced to watch the three people he loved most leave the world. He kept his sniffles and sobs as quiet as possible, not wanting to wake you for something as silly as a nightmare. But it felt so real. 

“Harry?”

He felt his body tense, hearing your voice, still thick with sleep, calling his name.

He hummed in acknowledgment, not wanting to speak in fear of you hearing his shaky voice.

“Are you crying, honey? Is everything okay?”

Maybe he wasn’t as subtle as he thought.

“‘M fine, love. Go back to sleep, didn’t mean t’ w-wake yeh.”

He heard the tremble in his voice and knew you would do the same.

“Oh, honey,” was all you said before you wrapped your arms around his waist, “what’s wrong?”

“Just a dream. Nothing too important, that’s why I didn’t want t’ wake yeh,” he mumbled.

You got him to turn over so he was facing you, and now you could see the fat tears rolling down his cheeks. You reached up, gently wiping them away with your thumbs.

“H, I never want you to feel like you can’t wake me up if you need me. Whether it’s an emergency or you just can’t sleep, I’ll be here. Maybe sometimes I’ll be grumpier than others,” that got a chuckle out of him, which you were proud of, “but I am always happy to help you.”

He smiled, leaning into your touch, “Thank yeh, my love. Best partner I could ask for.”

You smiled back, kissing the spots you had been rubbing with your thumbs, “Of course, honey. What kind of dream got you this worked up, hm?”

He sighed, dropping his eye contact with you as he struggled not to cry again, “Saw you, Mom, and Gem die in a car accident as yeh were drivin t’ one of my shows.”

Your lips turned into a deep frown, “That sound so scary, H, I’m sorry you had a dream like that. But I’m right here, very much alive, and if you want, we can call Anne and Gemma in the morning. Promise I won’t leave you like that. None of us will.”

“I’d really like to call them tomorrow. It’s been too long since we’ve spoken, anyway.”

You nodded, “Sounds like a plan.”

You pulled his body closer to yours, wrapping one arm around his waist and rubbing his back, while the other moved up to smooth his hair back. You leaned forward and pressed loving kisses to the top of his head, trying simultaneously to provide him comfort and lull him back to sleep. 

Just as you thought you heard his breathing evening out, you hear him murmur, “I love yeh.”

You smiled against his hair, “Love you too, honey.”

He relaxed into your arms, finally falling back asleep, and now that he was feeling better, you could do the same.

[tortured-demigods-department]

an unhinged (and unofficial) dissertation on the pjo fandom

so i don't usually post anything that isn't my-works-related, but i had a...mildly heated discussion with a fellow film student tonight about the pjo show and it's got me thinking. bear with me, we'll be here awhile.

as we all know, the first season of pjo has ended. i've stayed relatively OFF tumblr and other social media during this time, but i know there are a lot of OG fans who are (in their words) "massively disappointed" in the show. most of the complaints i've heard have been during in person conversations though, so this post is mostly going to be referencing real complaints i've heard.

i've been a part of this fandom since i was thirteen. that's nearly eight fucking years of my life that i've devoted to the pjo universe. i have written and consumed YEARS' worth of fanfiction, i have read and reread every book so many times i can quote them forwards and backwards, and i went to the bookstore every single year on the new books' release dates to pick up my copies in-person. this fandom, these characters and this world have brought so much joy to my life, and i don't think i could ever fully articulate that in words. when i think of this series, i genuinely feel nothing but happiness.

but a few years ago—around the time i started college—i started distancing myself from the fandom for one glaring reason. this fandom can be such an...angry place? like, genuinely, i don't know how far it goes back—maybe all the way to the release of HoA, honestly—but i wasn't here pre-HoA, so all i know is that i very much remember how much people hated ToA when it came out.

here i was, having the TIME of my life with apollo and his silly little haikus, and people are going to war over how the series' writing quality has gone to shit and how everything was better before, blah, blah, blah. IN SPITE of everything that series gave us—discussion of the repercussions of child abuse and ptsd, representation of lgbtqa+ characters, and deep psychological messages that really teach young readers, i think, how to better understand themselves and their emotions and deal with them in healthy ways. and it just wasn't fun to be in a fandom where, as soon as you go "hey, did you read the new book?" they scoff and roll their eyes and only want to talk about how terrible it is. (i also missed all the discourse on the sun and the star when it came out—PHENOMENAL read, btw—but i've read some things that lead me to believe that it wasn't well received either, in spite of how lovely it was.)

so...it's dramatic to say i "left" the fandom, but i certainly withdrew from it. deleted my pjo ao3 and tumblr, started over with a different fandom. but the love has always been there, and the show starting really helped spark it fully back to life.

but now, the same thing is happening again, i'm noticing. remember back in the day, when we only had the shitty fucking movies, and we were like "man, ANYTHING would be better than this garbage. literally just give us actors who are the right age and we'll be happy." well, now we have PHENOMENAL kid actors who genuinely are having a good time playing our beloved characters, and instead of supporting them, we're STILL complaining about them not being "portrayed correctly"?

i've talked to so many people who complain that percy is "too smart," which is kind of a bullshit insult to percy's canon character. in the books (at least the first five) we're seeing things ONLY from percy's pov. he's a kid who's struggled with learning disabilities and been told he's an idiot all his life by everyone except his mom—but as others have pointed out way more eloquently than i could, percy is a very intelligent and powerful individual while maintaining his goofy fun personality, which is WHY so many people love him so much. he's complex, and i think they managed to capture that really well in the show even amidst all the changes.

don't get me started on the fucking racism towards leah sava jeffries—i'm honest to gods ashamed that there are racists who call themselves pjo fans. she is so talented, and everything we ever could have hoped for in an on-screen annabeth. ALL of the kids are—there's literally no argument to be had there.

and then, if people aren't complaining about the casting, it's the series' writing. or there's too much exposition. rick is changing too many things. the directors don't know what they're doing. it's not a TRUE book adaptation. (someone said that to me, and i genuinely laughed because i thought they were joking. when the MOVIES exist, they wanted to make that comment about the show.)

are there some things i would change about the show, given the opportunity? god, yes. the set design for the underworld was horrendous. (in my opinion, of course.) but here's the thing. i have spent eight years of my life waiting for this show to happen, and in that time, i've learned a lot about how much goes into successfully producing such a complex series. how much money and time is spent, and how many people have to be on board to make it happen. it's genuinely kind of miraculous that we're even getting this show at all, considering all the ways it could have failed before it even made it out of pre-production.

and i think we, as fans, sometimes forget that we aren't owed this. we don't own the percy jackson franchise. it makes me so sick and tired when authors or artists in any capacity feel like they have to cater their works to the masses, because they know they'll get thrown into the fucking fire if they don't. rick and becky riordan didn't have to got to the trouble of producing this show for us. they chose to—everyone involved chose to—because they wanted to make something fun and enjoyable not only for the fans, but everyone who chose to be a part of it.

do you know how insane it is that, when you read pretty much any interview of pjo bts, everyone talks about how fun the production was? i've been on film sets. they can be ABSOLUTELY miserable when they're not done right. but eight months into production, the kids were still laughing and having a good time, everyone's still giving 100%, they're excited, it's fun. walker was willing to go into a diving tank for a full fucking day in order to get one scene—i know i would never have that kind of dedication, and i bet 99% of you wouldn't either.

i know this has gotten really long-winded, but i've said all of that to say that...i'm kind of tired of fans trying to bring down the show, and more than that, trying to bring down each other for having a good time. as i've said before (many times, i'm sure), i waited eight years for this, and i have had SUCH a fun time watching it. assuming we get a season 2 renewal, there are going to be even more new fans coming in than we've already gotten from season 1, and i want this fandom to be a fun and positive place for them. for all of us. we don't have to miserable and angry all time. we can critique the show, sure—it's not perfect, and it was never going to be—but we have to remember that television is an art form, and that art is subjective even when it involves our favorite characters. and we can accept that and still have a good time, because it's just more fun to have fun, you know?

this fandom has always had so much potential to be the BIGGEST, most supportive and kind and loving fandom. with how much representation this series has, with how much content we've been given, with the SHEER massive number of us...i've always thought we could be a really, really great community. maybe it's impossible to hope that we could be the best fandom on earth, but if nothing else...could we all try to just be a little bit kinder? genuinely, as cheesy as it may sound...it's just nicer when we're nice to each other. and when there's so many real things in the world to be mad about...i would much rather this be a place where we can come to at the end of a long day and just...feel at home. personally, i just think that would be really, really nice.

[blood-teeth]

05.19.23

howdy everyone! it's been a long time since i've done one of these. also this is going to be a long post, so if you're like "i'm not reading allthat but stay safe tho" im sorry in advance.

i was going to wait until the two year anniversary of TMITAWH to post this, but i've been getting more and more asks about the status of this game, why it's on lockdown, when it's coming back, etc. largely, i've been dodging these questions or answering them with a vague "oh, i'm working on it!" which is very much the truth. just, not the entirety of it.

the truth is this: the story is done.

the real truth is this:

actually, before i get into that, i wanted to mention something else. i know i've waxed poetry over and over again and maybe it's getting annoying to hear it - so i'm very sorry - but it really is important to me to mention this because it's the motivation and the life-force behind everything that i do on this blog. i wanted to say thank you. i remember typing up the intro post to TMITAWH after getting the second COVID shot, delirious, but bolstered by a fever that had rendered me brave. i've been writing this story since 2019, i had the vision, the characters, the aesthetics and the understanding and i wanted to desperately to share. i never expected the level of support and love from so many of you. i've never had people genuinely vested in my worlds or characters. i remember getting the first comment about the prologue and slamming my computer shut and freaking out. i cried when i got my first ask telling me how much they'd love it, despite the small amount of content. the fever may have given me the courage to post it, but y'all gave me the courage to continue. and that means more to me than anything means to me in this world. for two whole years!! you've dealt with my wildly out of pocket thoughts, long absences, and have continued to show your willingness to continue the exercise in patience. i dont have people in real life that would do that for me. so thank you, thank you for being here, thank you for caring, thank you for the sweet comments. i wasn't lying when i said that i keep most asks unanswered because i go back and read them, hold the words close to my chest, and convince myself that i can do what i want to do when it comes to storytelling. thank you. forever and always. i know this feels maybe so much like im baring my soul, but i think it's important. TMITAWH saved my life. I mean that in every understanding, with the breadths and depths of my soul. I mean that with all the fibers and cells and atoms that make up me. This story saved my life. it's important to me that you know that in so many ways you all did, too.

so much of the reason i've been sitting on this is honestly mostly fear. it's choking me now as i write this. i'm scared of y'alls reaction, i'm scared of potentially disappointing anyone, and i'm scared of people just being overall pissed off. which i would get! this is not why the majority of you are following me. i'm asking for grace, for understanding, for mercy.

so, the real truth is this:

Tell Me If There's A Way Home is complete. there's a beginning, of sort, a middle, an end. but, it is not complete in the way you might expect an IF to be complete.

this is, simply, because Tell Me If There's A Way Home has been re-written and re-formatted into a novel.

over this past year, i was struggling with the story. things had along the way stopped making sense. this WAS the story i wanted to tell, i knew what had to happen in order to get the whole point of it across. is it better to get back what you've lost, what does it look like when you do get it back? but there was something that wasn't working. i could force the scenes, have The Traveler spend time with Cain in his little house talking about his past, or provide the option to explore the peaks of a mountain looking for a legend of old. i could do all this. but it was all wrong. the story had become corrupted along the way and the vision of it that i held onto so desperately was fading into obscurity.

so i opened a new word document and just wrote. i wrote for a whole year, and the story unveiled itself to be in the way i believe it was always supposed to. i understand so much more of this story than i did two years ago. sitting at 90k words, book 1 is officially done. it's essentially the same story you all had read, but different somehow. more than it ever could have been in an IF format. there are the characters you love. there's cain. there's silas. alice of course. there's the traveler as *her* own character. and there's the reverie. but the reverie is no longer Ezio/Elena. it's just elena now. its beautiful, gorgeous elena with her quick smile and hemlock eyes and her memories.

what happens now?

i'll be spending the next few months making the book as perfect as i can make it. i've been working through the rough draft - or alpha draft- and then i will ask some people to see if they want to read draft 2, draft 3 , draft 4. however many drafts it takes until i feel as though i can do no more. after this, i'll query agents and pray to god that in the hellscape publishing is in right now that im offered representation. after this, i'll pray to god that an editor likes the book enough to want to work with me on it. after this, i'll pray to god that a publishing house likes the book enough to buy it, put in on shelves. there's going to be a lot of praying to god. a lot of luck. so i think it'll be a while before anybody gets to hold the book in their hands, but god i hope y'all get to. i really hope you get to. more than that. i hope you want to.

after all of this, i'll be working on book 2. i already have the title. i already have the first chapter. i know exactly what happens and how.

i know there's maybe some confusion, so please feel free to send me asks about it. i will happily and gladly answer what i can and discuss it.

i'm so so sorry for the long post. this all felt important to mention and it felt important to be transparent with y'all. this was becoming a secret too hard to keep and i'm glad that i dont have to anymore. i hope you're not mad, disappointed, etc. that would really suck ass. i hope you're excited, maybe. i hope you're curious.

anyway. thank you for getting this far, if you did. thank you. i love you. i'll talk to you soon <3

[tleeaves]

Wasting Beats In This Heart Of Mine - how it would have ended

Hello, folks! As some of you already know or have heard me mention previously, my TLH fanfic WBITHOM is coming to an end. I am no longer comfortable with it being in the public eye since it involves a lot of personal stuff for me, and so I have decided to delete the fic entirely on every platform it's been published on (that's Quotev, AO3, and Wattpad) rather than rewrite the entire thing. This will also finally give me the chance to focus on other written works. Maybe I'll return to fandom with a rewrite one day for anyone interested, but for now, the future is dedicated to other things. The fic will be deleted in 48 hours, so readers on Quotev and AO3 have a chance to download the unfinished fic if they so desire before then or just have one last read. I ask that no one rewrites or adds an ending to my fic and publishes it anywhere without my knowledge and permission. Never put an author's work through AI either. I still have several copies of my fanfic and its outline, so I will always have evidence of where the story comes from.

WBITHOM is a monster, with the master document coming to well over 150,000 words and the fic so far being ~146,000 words (the entire outline and all my notes makes up over 4,000 words, yes). I predict that, had I finished the fic, it would come close to 188,000 words (so, there was a decent ways to go still). It's the biggest thing I've attempted, but because of that, it is also the most time-consuming (it's been almost a year and a half of writing, and each chapter either takes two full days to write or weeks) and it takes up the most space in my head, not really leaving room for the other ideas I want to explore.

So, as someone suggested, I thought I'd give readers who were hoping to see the fic to its proper end some closure. That's what this post is for: how it would have ended. Along the way, I'll explain some things too about recurring themes and motifs and all manner of behind the scenes and thoughts behind my ideas.

Character Arc Summaries

As readers know, this story follows the characters of Lila Raftis, James Herondale, Cordelia Carstairs, and Matthew Fairchild. They're all the most significant figures, though we do see other perspectives and side characters too. Essentially, Lila Raftis struggles with loneliness due to a myriad of other issues she has to work through, and James Herondale's arc starts with his depression and turns into a journey to authenticity where he feels like his own person and not just what he has been written or expected to be. Cordelia Carstairs' physical state of being lost extends to how lost she is within, and she ends realising that she has been continuously defining herself through other people. I see her as leaving London and the love triangle with James and (unconfessed) Matthew (and Lila) to deconstruct a lot of the ideals she was trying to live up to and why. As for Matthew Fairchild, I made the deliberate decision for him to turn into a werewolf and have that separation from Shadowhunter society so that he could pursue the arts and build a better life that he would find more satisfaction with, also eventually becoming sober. I took inspiration from his time at the academy, particularly when he turns to Lila in one of the earlier acts and asks if it's so bad to not be a Shadowhunter. At first, he regrets turning, but I planned for him to wind up relieved.

Honestly, while this work is very self-insert (and that's not a bad thing generally, but I've been finding it uncomfortable as time goes on, so that's why I prefer to take it down and keep it to myself), it was also my way of going How It Should Have Ended for the TLH series as a whole. I started it before ChoT, yes, but that book only led to minor changes and alternate paths taken -- I was already using ChoI as a base to steer these characters in the directions I thought they should go.

The Rest Of Act Three

The rest of Act Three of the fanfic is summarised below (...at length. It's a lengthy summary).

We ended the fanfic on the chapter where James and Lila returned to London, 1903 of his dimension. He was gravely wounded in his left arm, which ends up being amputated despite the efforts of Lila and Lucie (and Gus' help too). This is, of course, a reference to the recent fan art of James where a headcanon went around that the reason we couldn't see his other arm was because it just didn't exist. I took it and ran, which was not planned. I knew I wanted James injured so that Lila could return the care he once had shown her when she was wounded badly, but it wasn't going to be as severe as it ended up being. This is how we ended up at the Institute instead of 48 Curzon Street as I had previously planned for the chapter. James was going to be fine, but Cordelia had decided to confront Lila about several things, and they'd end the night having kissed -- which in turn leads Lila to going for a walk to clear her head and her subsequently getting kidnapped by Jonathan Bell (the Other James from another dimension). Anyway, the change did make some of these plot points awkward (😭) hence why I spent ages editing the make out between Lila and Cordelia because I could not decide how it should start and end. It was a nightmare. As Silver pointed out, it didn't make a whole lot of sense in the order of events (Cordelia should have gone to see James first), but I was in a mad rush to finally release the update since I knew people were waiting. The kidnapping also was not quite as dramatic as I envisioned it, but oh well. I'm actually quite happy with the rest of the chapter though.

From there comes the rest of the fic that readers probably will not get to experience, so that's why I'm writing this out, so you at least know the mysteries that I won't get to reveal and how we get to the end.

Jonathan Bell kidnaps Lila and, through the use of shadow, they end up in Paris, France. This is where Matthew also fled after his mother released him from the Silent City cells after he persuaded her into it. Lila ending up there and being away from both James and Cordelia, and spending more one-on-one time with our antagonist and Matthew since the earlier parts of the book was always intended.

Jonathan is revealed to have possession of another silver pen, which is a reference to a previous fanfic I wrote (also deleted) called Chain of Lies, where the pen could literally rewrite reality if you used your own blood for ink. In Jonathan's dimension, Lila ended up staying in his world and marrying him, but she also dies of a mysterious sickness during their honeymoon, so he uses the pen to go back in time and cancel their honeymoon, under the impression she would not get sick. Instead, she was hit by a car several days earlier, and died in the accident. Jonathan goes back again to stop that from happening, but Lila ends up dying again anyway, over and over again in different ways, every time Jonathan reverses time to prevent each event from occurring. Eventually, he goes so far back in their timeline together that he's reliving the December when they met, and that's how he knows how to divert the accidents in WBITHOM that threaten harm to this other dimension's Lila (are you still with me?). But before that, he created a time loop in that December of his dimension just trying to keep Lila alive for two years of his life whereas everyone else remained the same, but stuck in time. It's supposed to be very angsty and tragic, and it's a demonstration of one of James Herondale's core traits eventually twisting horribly wrong: how he would do anything for those he loves, whether that be family, friends, or lovers.

This character flaw/strength is something I reference lightly a few times throughout the fanfic, mostly in the ways he is concerned about the safety of his family and friends which he tries to find out from Lila, who has read Chain of Iron and knows what the future is supposed to be, and then how he reflects on how he does not know what he would do when someone he loves dies. Honestly, the issue is that he cares too much about people, which is both a good thing and a bad thing, depending on how far it goes. Jonathan is the literal embodiment of what would happen if James' care went too far, if it bordered on obsession, if he wanted to keep someone from dying so bad that he would sacrifice everything else, even the universe.

So, Jonathan finally confesses to the time-loop and explains that as a drastic measure, he tried finding Lila in another dimension to see if he could save her there, but this tearing of the time-loop to escape it worsened a tear that Cordelia had already created in her fight with Belial and the Mandikhor to such a point that it started growing and expanding and destroying the fabric of time and space between dimensions and the universe as a whole. You know, wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey... stuff (Doctor Who reference for those who get it). The thing he did not realise though is that in this timeline, Lila is not meant to die, so long as she goes back home instead of staying in 1903 (he still doesn't know this, it's just a fact I would have explained to the readers when we meet Circe, the employer of Poppy Morad (P.M.) and Saint Nicholas). This is supposed to leave Lila conflicted, because as much as she wants to hate his guts for being the reason for her family disappearing and the worlds ending, even this Other James is a reflection of her own nature, which is another thing that's been lingering beneath the surface for the duration as the fic: while James has a doppelganger that demonstrates who he might become if he cannot accept loss, he and Lila have similarities boiling beneath the surface that go unnoticed until an outburst we saw Lila have where she basically accuses James of being just like her (not complimentary at the time).

Lila as a character is someone who cares deeply, but is willing to sacrifice herself and others to protect what or who she cares deeply about (yet we also see her choose self-preservation over self-sacrifice a few times before she truly starts acting in service of others). Her circle of people she cares about is more limited than James', but the shared sentiments still stand. Plus, the way Jonathan has acted this entire time has always bordered on unnerving or odd -- I did that on purpose. He's been driven to obsession, where he's basically an extreme of what James and Lila believe in. And he is both James and not James in this way, if that makes sense. We see in one of Lila's nightmares earlier in the book Jonathan saying it does not matter which version of him he is or which version of her she is -- they belong together. Fully delusional at this point, but it's meant to be scary. I'm kind of obsessed that Jonathan is also a mirror for Lila to see how she might look to her James: someone who knows you way too well, but you've also never met nor know much about at all (she might know James but she does not know this one), who's inexplicably fixated on you (granted, James did not even begin to guess Lila's feelings, and hers were rather superficial in a way until they spent more time together).

Anyway, basically, the start of this rewrite of Chain of Lies pretty much began with these dynamics between the two Jameses and Lila. It was a whole thing with diagrams and late night ranting to my poor sister and everything.

So, of course, Lila is conflicted and she also does not know how she's supposed to get Jonathan to reverse the problem he has created -- whether he's also supposed to go back to his dimension and whether that will be enough to repair the tear. Most of this happens in the Notre Dame cathedral because I said so (I like cathedrals as settings, sue me if you dare).

Meanwhile, Matthew has been in Paris and totally avoiding Charles, so he also hears nothing of Will and Tessa being notified about James' injury in London and leaving by portal. But he does hear some French Shadowhunter gossip about the Consul's werewolf son's disappearance when he discovers Lila being taken to the cathedral by a masked man. Then ensues a solo rescue operation. Honestly, I always have a lot of fun writing Matthew, it's hard not to include him more. Anyway, the rescue is successful, and he takes Lila back to his hotel room to lay low for the night before he gets her back to London with the others (since he recognises that they must have no idea where she is, what happened, and she's an integral part of solving this whole mess, as people are still disappearing in this world).

I had a really nice scene planned that I'd been waiting the entire book to write, but basically Lila and Matthew spend a sober night together (as opposed to their time in the Silent City together) where they talk about all their woes, including their love lives, and eventually they get on to the topic of how they could have smoothed over both their dilemmas if they just had each other as lovers, if only their similarities were not such that would probably be self-destructive at this point in their lives. Because we've seen often in the book other characters compare these two, but it's these two themselves who recognise that, yes, they are alike in some ways, but not the ways it counts in order to have a healthy romantic relationship. They settle on being good friends. Matthew also takes her measurements so they can pick up some quick changes of clothes since Lila's still wearing her grimy outfit she wore during the explosion. And she also brings up that she knows he's an artist, but asks that she have the chance to sketch him, and he offers to do so in return, so they spend the rest of the night drawing, which I just find so sweet. There's not much significance in that at face value, it's just cute, but I also see Matthew embracing an old hobby as one of the first steps he takes in moving on from all his pain and finding better outlets for it.

Also, the platonic nature between Lila and Matthew, the complicated romance with James and Cordelia, and then all the familial themes and side-plots going on are all part of an idea I had going into this that I wanted to demonstrate many facets of love and the importance of each in their individual right. If anything, given the extreme slowburn I've come at James/Lila/Cordelia with particularly, I want to end this book purposefully with none of them winding up together because so many other things mattered more than their romance, and even the kind of loves they have for each other are a reason they don't end up staying because they would all rather see each other safe and not see each other at all than know they might cause other problems by being in the wrong dimensions.

Anyway, because I do multiple perspectives for everything, while Matthew and Lila and Jonathan have their bit going on in Paris, back in London we see James coming to terms with his disability and in all his rumination over what's happened and Lila being missing but him being unable to go out and find her, James finally (FINALLY!) realises his romantic feelings for Lila. This also leads to a scene between him and Cordelia where they both discuss Lila and their feelings for her. Cordelia also confesses how she has felt for James for a long time, but she also explains that she wants nothing to come of it anymore because she does not see herself settling down with him like she previously thought. James is a bit stung by this (I mean, my guy had no idea about Cordelia's true feelings until now and then she also springs a rejection on him at the same time when he's just begun to realise some of his own feelings around her) but is ultimately relieved since he feels he needs more time to figure out who he is and the life he wants without the bracelet numbing him.

We also would have seen Poppy Morad and Saint Nicholas again and their increasing distress and alarm with how difficult Jonathan Bell has been to track and control since he's hared of to Paris with Lila.

When Jonathan finds out Lila's gone, he feels betrayed and frustrated by his failure. Because while he feels he has saved her, she's refusing to be his as she once was in his dimension (also why he was confused and then against her leaving and going home earlier in the story). The world is breaking down around him (we start to see parts of Paris going up in flames, not unlike London 2021 of Lila's dimension) and he's about to go track Lila down again (but now he's going a bit more heavily into Villain Mode).

We also see Poppy Morad closing in on Jonathan as he returns to London when she's defecting orders from Circe, her higher up, to take him down instead of corralling Lila's effects on the timeline.

Lila and Matthew return to London on Christmas Eve just hours before the end of the world properly starts in 1903. This is also when she and James interact for the first time since he passed out on the bridge several days ago. I was a bit undecided on how I wanted this scene to look, other than I needed them to finally confess their feelings for each other in the rain like a cliche after they have an argument where Lila says that James has everything she wants (and this is where we realise the root of her problem in this whole book is not simply loneliness, but a dissatisfaction with herself and her life, which has lent itself to the more superficial issues she's been having) but that ultimately she also just wanted him though she knows she cannot be with him without risking everything. So, when James confesses his side, they decide to spend what little time they have left with each other as best as they can. (And this where I as an author push them together like Barbie dolls and go "now kiss").

Have I mentioned this story has too many layers and plot points and it's been driving me mad this entire time I've been writing it? Anyway.

They quickly determine with The Gang™️ that "Belial" and "Lilith" are not who they seem to be anymore, because while Alastair just got arrested for the murder of Lilian Highsmith (oh yeah, that happens while Lila and Matthew are in Paris, because I wanted a reversal where it's Thomas who stands up for Alastair when he's accused of murder, just for funsies) everything else that has happened seems to be related to whoever this P.M. (remember when Cordelia was also accused of murder because Filomena thought she saw Cordelia when she was attacked?) and Matthew body double is (spoiler: Poppy Morad and Saint Nicholas are codenames for other versions of Cordelia Carstairs and Matthew Fairchild in another timeline, I'll explain more about this later, but what you can probably surmise already is that this alternate Cordelia has taken the place of Belial within this dimension and is the one murdering all the victims (including her father. That was a difficult point, because we see in a PM and Saint Nick scene that he's concerned about whether she can go through with it) and Matthew has taken Lilith's place in some minor ways (like hiding and then handing back Cortana at the right moments)).

Anyway, because Lila's kind of behind on some events, she goes to confess to Cordelia (but explain how she also feels about James), when Cordelia says there's a lot more she wants out of life before she pursues romance again. That she's been so consumed by it, by finding love, by getting married, she's lost who she is beneath it all. (Have you noticed the theme for every character in this fic is basically authenticity and finding oneself despite whatever circumstances they find themselves in?)

Then, we also would have seen Lila dedicate herself to taking down Jonathan herself since he's the main problem that's tearing things apart and perhaps if he's killed then he can no longer influence time and reality.

Vaguely, I had planned that James and Lila would have what my outline says is "an emotional night together" because it could mean literally anything and I wasn't totally sure where I wanted it to go. So. Interpret that one how you will with whatever you prefer, honestly. Anyway, while that's happening, we see Matthew go home to his mother who is, understandably, worried sick and mad because he never wrote to her like he was supposed to and Charles return without him. We see Matthew collapse into her arms and just sob. That was the plan. It's important to me that he's actually vulnerable with her for once and that he, a young man too big to be in his mother's arms, lets himself be held anyway. There was also supposed to be a wholesome Thomastair moment that I hadn't really planned, though I knew Alastair would go home with Cordelia afterwards and she would start her journey to forgiving him. We also would have seen her kneel in front of Sona to confess A Whole Lot Of Things about what's been happening in her life, from as early as the marriage blanc and the Blackthorn Manor incident. Basically, everything is supposed to be hopeful even if it hurts just a bit and feels a little bittersweet. Because then in the chapter this all would have taken place in, we'd end with Saint Nicholas and Poppy Morad collecting the pithos from Christopher who picked it up in the background of everything (basically, all the Belial storyline has still been operating as it should, except it's being orchestrated by PM instead of Belial), when Jonathan sneaks up on them and fatally wounds (he had the intent to kill) Saint Nicholas, who he is shocked to find out in that moment is an alternate Matthew.

AND THEN, next chapter we would have had at the tolling of midnight, signaling Christmas day, PM the alternate Cordelia (whose character is the way it is because she's been hardened by some long and traumatic years -- she and alternate Matthew have a tragic backstory that I've been keeping in my back pocket that wasn't really necessary to be explained in the story, but if you want to know more, just ask) drags a dying alternate Matthew back to their tent where Circe, their mysterious employer, is torn away from her work elsewhere to start enacting emergency world-fixing in this timeline. This is also when we find out Circe's identity: she is Cassandra Clare, once again (if you read Chain of Lies) who's codename was derived from the common shortened CC she's referred to in fandom, who has universal powers and basically controls (to an extent) a good portion of the universe. Like a god. But also not. It's a whole mysterious thing that I never intended to explain because I think some things are better unexplained.

THEN, Jonathan shows up to 48 Curzon Street, covered in blood and calling for Lila. A fight between him and James (and sort of Lila who's attacking Jonathan though he refuses to attack her) ensues before he ends it all by taking out a silver pen (The Silver Pen) where we see 'Nikoletta' engraved on it, and writes a time-loop which snaps the final threads keeping all the timelines and dimensions in order.

Act Four Explained Slightly More Briefly

This is the final act of the book and also the shortest. It was planned to only be about six chapters long. Now, I was most excited about this part of the book because I had ✨visions✨. No, literally, the entire inspiration of this entire fanfic came from a dream I had about James Herondale as Spider-Man, me impersonating Cordelia Carstairs and not knowing how to do Shadowhunter things, Santa Claus as Father Time, and the end of the universe, and this is where we would have finally get to see it all come together.

We kick it off with an entire chapter dedicated to a lot of scenes similar to what I've written earlier in the book with Lila and James' nightmares, where nothing makes complete sense and yet the reader is meant to feel on the cusp of understanding something alongside the characters before the dreams usually end. Only they don't here. The dreams are reality, but reality is broken, and there is no waking up because there is also no sleeping and there is no normal but faint memories of what came before. So not only is the environment ever-shifting (think of it almost like a kaleidoscope and you have maybe a quarter of my vision here), but the people also keep "glitching" between different versions of themselves at different points in time and in different realities even (sometimes the doubles join and then they split apart, it's a weird nightmareish sort of thing in my mind), and so they also have different memories and levels of knowledge about things that have happened and what's going on. We see it mostly through Lila and James' perspectives. There's supposed to be a lot of angst and a feel like everything is a fever dream.

In the next chapter, things only start to get slightly ordered when Jonathan Bell finds Lila and says he'll rewrite the universe she wants so that it's perfect for her, and can have it be anything she wants, so long as they are together (major creep vibes though, honestly, as sweet as this might sound to some). This is also me addressing a problem from my original fanfic before this one, Chain of Lies, where I basically gave that silver pen waaay too much power, and now I'm demonstrating what it can do and so, like the one ring to rule them all, it must be destroyed (once Lila or someone else gets a hold of it to rewrite and fix the fabric of everything). Alastair saves Lila from Jonathan this time (he's still a bit prickly, but we see he still cares about Lila anyway), and demands she go find Cordelia to end Jonathan (Cordelia has Cortana which can cut through anything, which is important). Then we also would have seen that James is stranded somewhere with a fluctuating Matthew (the vision is that he keeps changing states from a werewolf to a living corpse to himself at various ages) and they are attempting to find PM, the alternate Cordelia, who knows Circe who should be able to fix everything as PM explains (she got separated from Circe and Saint Nicholas when the world went crazy). She leads them partway before she's taken by the collapsing world (she disappears basically, because that can still happen to people). When Lila finds her Cordelia, she's in the Paladin state (imagine glowing eyes and a vague aura of scariness with a glowing sword and you've got it) and it takes a bit to get through to her so they can make a plan to take down Jonathan.

Chapter after that, we have Cordelia distracting Jonathan so Lila can steal the pen, but she realises she does not know how to write an ending that does not kill all the Jameses since, as Jonathan once put it in her nightmares, "it does not matter which version of him I am... we are the same". This hesitance gets Cordelia fatally wounded, though she's not quite dead yet, but it's the final push Lila needs to kill Jonathan with Cortana (as also seen in a dream she had ages ago without realising it), and Circe finally manages to pull enough worldly strings in this chaos to pause time long enough for James and Lila to reunite to do the re-writing with her.

From there, we have two alternate paths. I called these basically "the happy ending that could have been" and "the bittersweet ending that was", which I was inspired to write by The Umbrella Academy (if you know, you know, I won't spoil it for anyone else who doesn't).

In the happy ending that could have been, we see the characters a couple years down the line. We also find out that Lila would not have died like she did in the other universe. She and James are together and they end up planning to propose to each other on the same day, which is the day after Lila successfully ascends. Then we see Cordelia and Matthew travelling together across the world as friends. After that, we would have seen Thomas and Alastair having dinner at the Lightwoods'. Finally, the Raftis family believe Lila is missing, presumed dead, but after a couple years they are finally moving on.

The bittersweet ending that was though is where Lila goes home. The friends she's made in London 1903 see her off before James takes her back to her dimension where they'd have one final goodbye on Blackfriars Bridge. That night, Cordelia gets on a train to set off and travel on her own. We also see Matthew, who has already picked up Oscar a couple days earlier, going to Gus' flat to complain that Oscar misses Gus and would not stop whining until they came by. We see Matthew finally tentatively suggest a first date, and Gus would accept. We close this part of the ending much like we started the book, with James walking alone in the night, just as he was when he left the Devil Tavern and his story took a different direction to canon when he found himself outside Cornwall Gardens where he met with Alastair. This time, James is alone, and he's feeling a little hopeful about the future ahead.

We get one final chapter before the epilogue where it's mostly Lila's perspective as she finally gets to experience Christmas with her family in 2021 and I planned for the beginning of some family healing and bonding to occur. Then we would have seen future James once more, who it turns out is now tasked by Circe (CC) with maintaining the space between dimensions, but this means he can't be in any one for very long since it's a lot of work that takes up time.

And now we get to the epilogue. Every time I imagine this, I get a little emotional. The epilogue would have began several years in the future with Lila dropping a bi-annual letter into the Thames, which I liken to the River Styx, in that it's where all lost things end up. We see, rather comedically, that she has moved out with the money she gained from some things she "stole" from Curzon Street, as well as her mysterious finding of the adamas, which scientists in her world are still amazed by. We are surprised to see though that when she goes home, she's living with the version of Matthew who nearly died in his previous role as Saint Nicholas, because CC gave him a chance to live out a new life elsewhere, in a dimension where there was not another version of himself. He and Lila seem to be doing well.

We cut to James of around December 1905 who has gone to visit his family at the Institute, where Lucie and Jesse are pouring over Cordelia's latest letter from abroad. James says he was just at Matthew's flat, and Gus was telling him about theories of time travel that the mundanes at the university Gus attends were discussing. We also find out that James himself has written a book, a science fiction piece with a ridiculously long title, about different worlds and the doubles of people that exist. After the dinner, he goes to Blackfriars Bridge and produces several of Lila's letters out of a pocket before stowing them away and shadow travelling to her dimension to leave a letter for her.

The fanfic would have ended on James' letter, which mentions briefly that he is having nightmares again of Belial's return since they have heard nothing have what happened with CC. Aside from that, the letter is rather sweet. But we see that Lila never gets a chance to read it, because CC collects it first and burns it with a lighter while humming "it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas".

Concluding Words

And that, ladies, gents, and fair folk, was how Wasting Beats In This Heart Of Mine would have ended. It has potential for a sequel. One I never want to write except in my head because, man, I am so exhausted by this fanfic alone after I already did it as a rewrite of Chain of Lies. If anything, this is the sequel to Chain of Lies and the next potential story would be the third book. It's been a long few years, I'll tell you that.

Some final things:

If you're wondering about that green coat I was always mentioning: it was supposed to be my tell, along with the gold-ringed eyes, for Saint Nicholas being an alternate Matthew, who is also the leader of the SoHo wolf pack in his origin universe. For Poppy Morad as the alternate Cordelia, who worked as Matthew's partner in time shenanigans, it was the fact that people forgot her face once they saw it because of a facial rune she applies (one that does not exist but she has courtesy of working for The CC). That's why people often knew they saw Cordelia, but could not remember the details of that meeting, if they managed to remember her at all.

The reason Lila has essentially what I call "a death aura" is because of her alternate selves, many of whom die, and it's something that leaks between worlds as the walls steadily break down.

At some point in Le Grand Reveal Of The Time-loop, Lila realises that the detailing on Jonathan's mask matches the floral detail on the back of The Joker card she's been carrying around with her sister's initials this whole time, which hints at just how significant some of the objects in this story are and the meanings they can give (The Fool and The Master being other common names for the card, related to its unpredictability and capability of being anything).

Jonathan wears, obviously, his crimson cape, but his clothes are a deep navy blue and this is part of my reference to Spider-Man and the original dream that inspired all of this.

Future James does indeed have diamond stud earrings. I said so.

At the end of the book, CC would have reinstated Lilith and Belial (whom she removed for previously causing problems in other dimensions where they became too aware of alternate timelines) with altered memories, so the stories can generally continue where they left off (some a couple years later, which has some interesting effects if I wrote the next book, in theory).

And I think that's all I have. But if anyone has any questions at all, feel free to reply to the post to ask, message me, or put it straight into the ask box, I'm more than happy to answer since I'm already depriving you of a properly written-out neat ending to everything. Reminder that I am deleting the fanfic WBITHOM in roughly 48 hours from the time of this post, so after that it will not be available on any public platforms for reading. I am not taking down any of my other fanfics (except for the few that I already have some weeks ago).

Thank you to the readers who have supported me on this longass journey. You were often the reason I kept going when I wanted to give up on writing fanfic, especially writing this one, which has been a very trying process (I mean, it took me half a day just to explain the last approximate third of the damn book, for crying out loud). I appreciate the kudos, the comments, and all the enthusiasm. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Take care now, and I'll see you in the updates of other works in the future.

-- streettealee

P.S. special thank you to @thevagabondexpress who endured many hours of me blabbering way too much about this fic and these characters, who I pestered to give me feedback as I fretted over whether I was doing everything right (spoiler: there's no right way, just better ways), and who cared about this when I struggled to. You suggested I might find a way to give readers some closure. And so I also give thanks to @faithfromanewperspective, who went nuts for an Australian OC (understandably, as I would too) and blazed through my entire fic and encouraged me inadvertently to start updating again after a long dry spell. You still absolutely get to see my drafts and outline next time we catch up in person, but I hope for now that this is a good description of the rest of what the book would have been and it gives you some closure, as well as for the other readers. Thank you also to @quantummeep for reading and commenting! I can never get out of my head how even early on in your reading you recognised all the plot threads that I had been weaving together, and it meant so much to me that you appreciated the level of detail I tried to work with.

Thank you all and to the other readers who also supported me 💛

[acacia-may]

Acacia, I shall be hitting you with a whole fruit salad.

I’m sorry but I do want to ask all of these. So please, take your time answering. 😅

🍒, 🍊, 🍑, 🍐, and 🍈?

Aww thank you so much, Erika! I really appreciate it. There's no need to apologize. I'd love to answer these for you. Thank you so much for sending them in. 🥰

🍒 What’s your favorite character dynamic to write? (Can be romantic or platonic, specific or general!)

I'm sure this will come as no surprise to you but I love to write brother relationships, especially in that sweet spot of they love each other deeply but the relationship between them is strained usually by external and/or internal forces and/or breakdowns in communication driving a wedge between them that makes it difficult to express how much they really care about each other. It's such a fascinating dynamic to me (I honestly don't know why, but I'm always so compelled by these kind of deeply loving but deeply broken relationships where you're looking at these fictional siblings and you just know how much they truly love each other but they just can't communicate that and can't overcome whatever it is that's tearing them apart.

(I'm going to ramble just a little bit here so please excuse me) For instance, you've got Finral and Langris who are driven apart by their own wounds & insecurities but also because they were pitted against each other by their parents and kind of had to see each other as adversaries in order to survive in their abusive home. Whereas Sanemi pushed his brother away to try to protect him and lashed out when Genya misunderstood and tried to prove himself by doing the exact thing his brother was trying to protect him from. Hero and Kel both pushed each other away because they were afraid of hurting each other. And don't even get me started about Kai and Sei because that is just... (I'm cutting myself off)

Anyway, the one underpinning thread here is that there is obviously real love between these siblings underneath all of that pain, strain, and brokeness in the relationship and therefore is a hope that they can overcome these obstacles and build a healthy bond with each other (whether that's again or, in some cases, for the first time). Even I have my limits though and there are some relationships that are clearly unhealthy and unsalvageable. When it's clear that their really is no mutual respect here and/or no potential for change or real love then I'm out. But those ones that are more nuanced where the relationship is just strained rather than permanently broken, I personally am very compelled by those and have a lot of hope of them being repaired. That's probably my favorite kind of relationship to write about.

I also love writing about platonic Male-Female friendships because I feel like those are criminally underrated.

🍊 Who’s a character you don’t write for that often, but keep meaning to write for more? (They’re so interesting! But maybe you have trouble pinning them down, or keep getting distracted by another blorbo…)

Gordon. I'm so sorry Gordon! He was honestly one of my favorite characters when I was watching and reading Black Clover, but he's just so hard for me to write that I've never really been able to do as much with him as I would've liked. I have half a story written from his POV for the Early Black Bulls Series but it was such a struggle that I just never finished it. I also considered making up an OC for him to marry in the future around the same time I was creating Lorelei for Henry (because he just seems like such a domestic type who'd be happy to settle down & have a family one day. Just such a loving Papa). But not a lot came of that. I name dropped his daughter (who is adopted) in one of my fics, but yeah...I really dropped the ball on poor Gordon. He deserves more love.

🍑 If you could make a connection between your favorite character and another work you care about (whether a crossover/fusion or a wonderfully “pretentious” literary reference) what would it be? How would it work?

My sister and I make jokes all the time about (a well-adjusted) Langris sort of "adopting" all the high-stress, overachieving perfectionist kiddos we tend to adopt ourselves from other media and becoming kind of father figure to them and trying to help them --convince them it's okay to have fun and that they don't have to be perfect all the time and try to "earn" love (usually with Finesse's help and/or by begging Vanessa to intervene because he has no idea what he's doing). And the kids really look up to him and think he's super cool. We call them the "Langris Squad." It's a little hard to explain but kind of wholesome in my mind.

🍐 Is there anything in canon that you absolutely hate and love to fix in fics? A wrong choice made, a fuck-up in characterization, a misunderstanding never cleared up, a conversation never shown onscreen, etc…

...that House Vaude Drama needs a resolution. I think especially for me (because I'm a biased Langris-sympathizer) something I always try to include in fics is just trying to kind of explain why in the world he is acting the way he is and is (weirdly enough) sort of helping Finral best him. It's strange from the outside (I have a lot of headcanons about it), so I really like to dive into Langris' emotions, thoughts, and motivations about what's going on there since it was really abrupt and glossed over in the actual canon. Also, again, I like to resolve this mess when I can. (Not always in the same way because there are multiple resolutions which would be fine, but I don't really care for the way it has been handled in the canon).

Another one that comes to mind is the aftermath of the Golden Dawn losing so much of their squad in the fight against Zenon. I know that was a while ago, but it still irks me that we didn't get to see a whole of them grieving and trying to rebuild. Yuno had a really great and heart-wrenching moment about it in the Spade Arc when he tapped into his grief to motivate him during his rematch against Zenon, but I feel like there's a lot of untapped potential there, especially for Mimosa who unlocks such a powerful healing ability that she could use to save other people during the Spade Arc but couldn't use to save her own squad mates. I can't imagine how hard that is for her, and I was actually so frustrated this got glossed over that I wrote a story about it called "For What It's Worth" which unfortunately I think was written in the time before Tumblr and never made it over here. Maybe I'll cross post it, if you (or anyone else is interested)?

🍈 Who’s your blorbo and what are some of your favorite headcanons/ideas about them that repeatedly show up in your fics? Free pass to rant about blorbo opinions.

From Black Clover, Langris. Hands down. He was not always (and I detested him at first), but he's definitely the character I find most interesting now. I just want him and Finral to repair their brotherly relationship so much! It's what I have wanted most out of Black Clover for a very long time. I also really enjoy his friendship with Yuno and especially with Lady Finesse.

I have way too many headcanons about him, but I think the biggest one that comes up the most and has the most bearing over how I write his character is that Langris loves so much more intensely and deeply than he is given credit for. He struggles to be vulnerable and doesn't open his heart to too many people, but when he does, he will love forever and will be willing to make great sacrifices for what is best for that person and what will make them happy.

My most strongly held Langris headcanon is that it is the love that he has for Finesse that has led him to try to help Finral take over House Vaude. I flip-flop a lot over whether it is a romantic or platonic love, but regardless, I am convinced that however you want to qualify that, Langris loves her and is so concerned with her happiness that he would willingly give up what's he has worked for his entire life, his sense of purpose, and, really, his own sense of identity (in a way) just in the off chance that Finesse would be happy. And even more than that...would be happy without him. This is not a sacrifice to get the girl. This is a purely selfless action. He knows if he does this, he will lose everything and they will never be together, but he doesn't care because what he wants more than all of that is for Finesse to be happy and he doesn't think he can be the one to make her happy, so that's why he counts himself out.

[toastytoaster22]

Hiiiii toasty! 13, 19 and 24 for the weird writing game!

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

Hm. Sex used to be astronomically difficult, but after pushing myself to write Leaps and Bounds, I think it would be much less of a struggle. I haven't actually written any sexual encounters since then though, so it might still be rough seeing as I am so out of practice. All I've been writing for the last three years is angst oops

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

OOf I know I have talked about this before but not recently. My big sister introduced me to fanfiction back in... I don't know, 2005 or something. Maybe earlier. She was in high school and into angsty slash fics. We only had a family computer so she used to read some stuff aloud to me when we were home alone. At some point I started looking for stuff I liked on my own and by 2007 most of my friends were reading too.

As a silly joke thing to do, me and three other friends all made accounts and published Harry Potter fics when we were juniors in high school. Two of them made spoof-like oneshots, but me and one other posted the first chapters of actual multi-chap stories. She went on to write over a million words for that particular series of fics, and I ... moved on to other fandoms. I started a couple fics that i never finished and only actually finished one multi-chap fic. It was poorly written and two short chapters but I did it!

Then i went to college and stopped writing for what turned into six years. I did other creative things instead and I read like crazy, but I didn't try writing again. My (then) boyfriend and I moved a couple times after graduating and eventually ended up in Virginia in 2016. I had very few friends and was frustrated by my job, and he was always busy, so i had tons of free time. At some point we had a conversation where i admitted to writing fanfic and he was DELIGHTED. he wanted to read it. I refused, but somehow in the flustered mess i admitted my penname, sooooo he said he could just look me up.

I was horrified that he would see my *cough*Suite Life of Zach and Cody*cough* fic and laugh at me for the rest of my life so i was very dramatic and begged him not to look. He gave me an offer.

I could let him read one of my old fics of my own choosing... Or I could write something new and let him read that.

I took the bait. I immediately changed my penname and noodled for a few weeks on what to write. I gathered all my long repressed love for Digimon and embarked on a six chapter angst fest. Which got interrupted by two one-shots and a collection of side stories. And then I wrote another. Then started a drabble series. Then branched off into the Tsubasa fandom. We moved three more times and I wrote a 50k fic in just over a year. We got married. Bought a house.

And then I found Mob Psycho 100.

And I wrote and I wrote and I wrote and covid hit and I wrote Break and I wrote Issho. and I got pregnant and I started Nightjar and then found out I was pregnant oops. That has slowed me down immensely. Having a toddler who STILL doesn't sleep is debilitating for my writing energy. But! The past few months I have been mostly working on my original story which I do not talk about online. Much progress is being made.

I will get back to Nightjar and Resonate but I am currently knee deep in worldbuilding.

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

Oh god, depending on the length of the fic I spend anywhere from a week to a year getting it into shape before I actually write chapters to post. I put probably too much prep work into them. Timelines, character arc maps, pov pros and cons, messages I want to convey, moments i want to include. I write down everything before I start typing. I do it all by hand in notebooks bc i am old fashioned. i drink tea with too much honey and I listen to playlists and i think until my brain wants to melt. But thats fics like Issho and Nightjar and Resonate.

A lot of my oneshots are a moment of inspiration that i daydream about for days or weeks until I decide its good and ripe enough for others to see.

[historiavn]

ABOUT THE ROLEPLAYER

◈　NAME　 ⋯ 　callie

◈　PRONOUNS　 ⋯ 　she / they

◈　MOST ACTIVE MUSE(S)?　 ⋯ 　&.

VALORUMS: Shi’al Valorum (Star Wars)

HISTORIAVN: Agatha Morrible (Wicked), Ophelia Chronsturn (Fandomless), Anastasia Andrews-Ismay / RMS Titanic (Historical), Sarah Phillips (Liberty’s Kids / Historical), Abraham Lincoln (Historical), Cassandra Fatesworth (Bridgerton), Ethan Clay (Historical), Robert Todd Lincoln (Historical). I blame my Lincoln family muses on FINALLY getting to have free time for making Actual Progress with the musical that I’ve been developing about his presidency 😭

◈　RP PET PEEVES?　 ⋯ 　&.

People who conflate the muse with the writer. I run into this problem ALL THE TIME with my historical fiction centric muses (ESPECIALLY my historical figures, for obvious reasons), and as I always say in my rules, if someone can’t separate the writer and the muse, then they are not mature enough to write with me. For the MILLIONTH TIME — just because the old dead white guys that I write as hold problematic views doesn’t that I endorse or have those views myself <33333333

Forgetting that plotting is collaborative, and expecting me to do all the work. If you want to interact with me, make an honest effort to match my energy and my contributions during the plotting process. Suggest some ideas and concepts of your own; I don’t bite!

◈　EXPERIENCE/HOW MANY YEARS　 ⋯ 　 I am pretty sure that I've been roleplaying since 2016, which was my freshman year of high school. The musical Hamilton was starting to become popular at that time, so that — as well as the adjacent American Revolution community — was my first RPC. George Washington and John Adams were my very first muses, and Celeste Franklin became my first ever original character created for roleplay. Since then, l've written on Instagram, Discord, and Twitter. Tumblr is probably my favorite platform for roleplay.

◈　FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT　 ⋯ 　Out of these three, I like writing a perfect blend of them all. However, my favorite type of roleplay is a secret fourth genre — hurt / comfort.

◈　PLOTS OR MEMES　 ⋯ 　Askbox memes all the way! They are a GREAT way to get interactions going, test the waters of a new dynamic, and start new threads! I also like using them as a springboard for the plotting process. When it comes to “plotting”, I perceive it as an umbrella term that encompasses exchanging headcanons about our muses or discussing character dynamics in detail, so to me it is an ongoing process that begins the moment I reach out to you OOC and continues throughout our roleplays. Plotting only ends when interactions between us end.

◈　LONG OR SHORT REPLIES　 ⋯ 　My replies tend to vary in length, and oftentimes these lengths will match your own. It is the substance that matters to me the most — you just have to give me something to work with by having some form of interaction with my character in your response, and I won’t bat an eye about how long it is.

◈　TIME TO WRITE　 ⋯ 　I try to get my responses done throughout the entire day, but the majority of my writing is typically finished in the afternoon, early evening, and right before I go to bed.

◈　ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES　 ⋯ 　As a writer with multiple muses, the answer is naturally “it depends on the muse”. I’d say that the ones I relate to the most are Shi’al Valorum, Abraham Lincoln (literally why I’m writing a whole entire musical about his struggle with mental health), Sarah Phillips, Emmeline Eisenhower, and maybe Ophelia???

TAGGED BY no one; stolen from @storiesbreathed <333

TAGGING @bijoupreciieux, @honorhearted, @audaciiae, @vyrulent, @redbraid, @greaterfinds, @peculiarbeauty, @frxncaise, @fallesto, @unwaivering, @bloodiedsails, @misfittcd, @0brighta, AND YOU. All tags on dash games are no pressure, so feel free to ignore this if you want! I like to use tags on dash games as a way to let my mutuals know that I see them even if I’ve been quiet or slow to reach out. Please let me know if you do not want me to tag you in dash games.

[yanderes-galore]

hi, i absolutely love ur writing-! May I request 26 and 30 from thw bloody valentines prompts by another-yandere-writer for arkham knight or arkham city riddler? Whichever game you're more familiar with

I've written for the Arkham Knight version in the past so I'll use that one ^^ Here's another late one for the V-Day prompts. (Links may be broken)

I spent forever coming back to this as I have no idea how to write the Riddler :( He's such a cool character but I struggle so much with his character I guess.

I'm happy you love my writing, sorry you had to wait months for this!

Prompts Found Here

Original Arkham Knight Riddler Concept Here

Yandere! Arkham Knight! Riddler V-Day Prompts 26 and 30

"You will be mine."

"I will chase you forever until I finally get you to myself."

Pairing: Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Kidnapping, Unhealthy mental state, Stalking, Manipulation, Deception, Threats, Forced relationship.

The Riddler has always been a cryptic man. He's been known for his riddles around Gotham. Everything is a riddle with him...

Including his romantic intentions.

He's an insecure and confusing man to understand. There's times he wants to force you, his obsession, to worship him and the ground he walks on. Then there's other times where he wants to worship you... acting like you're the best thing that's ever happened to him.

There's times he wants you to call his name... then there's times he hates to hear it. The Riddler both wants to be held yet left alone.

His toughest riddle is how to show him affection.

The Riddler has been hooked on you for a long time. Way before he managed to keep you in a cage of his design... you caught his eye.

You were an ally of Batman... a smart one, too.

Your intelligence rivaled that of the detective himself. The Riddler at first felt threatened. Batman humiliated him all the time, now you were going to join him?

Yet... you didn't. You solved his riddles but he never got too upset about it. The Riddler found your presence pleasant compared to the Batman.

Each riddle he made you complete felt like a game. He wasn't sure why he felt so different towards you, he doubted you even thought of him the same. Perhaps you just weren't as judging?

Maybe you being different was simply an illusion crafted from his mind to excuse his abnormal adoration towards you.

He'd never say this out loud until he had you to himself but The Riddler had fallen for you. At first he simply had you participate in riddles with Batman. Then he removed Batman all together.

It became your form of bonding... each time he saw you, it drove him insane.

Even his conversations towards you became awkward flirting you'd always refuse.

"Have I mentioned how great you look tonight, dear? I made this one all for you...."

"How DARE you think you're too good for me!" You recall him saying. "I will chase you forever until I finally get you to myself!"

He'd flirt before every little puzzle of his, only to get frustrated when you turn him down. It's a quick switch in mood and you tried to only set him off at the end of his riddles.

You quickly noticed his motive with his riddles. Each riddle after that was strangely related to you or him. He was also getting desperate with his flirting until he snapped one day.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Do you have a thing with the Bat!?" He yelled at you once, you could hear the growl in his voice. "... you know we can't have that, dear."

"It's simple..." You remember The Riddler saying before starting the final riddle he prepared for you. "You will be mine."

The riddle planned for you was a trap. Pass or fail, your fate would've been the same. Tossed into a cage with irritating green paint... right in front of The Riddler himself.

That was when The Riddler finally had you to himself. It required some cheating, sure, but he's won this game of romance. That's all it was in his mind,

A game of courtship that he was leading you through... testing you to see if you were right for him.

Now... you truly are his. All locked in a cage... collar around your neck... looking like his little pet more than some sidekick. He liked the confidence you gave him.

Meanwhile you're trying to hold out until Batman comes around. For now... you have to follow his little games. Each day is a new riddle... something else to solve so you can keep Riddler entertained.

He liked to work your mind. He loved to watch you solve something. What he adored even more was how affectionate you got when he threatened you.

You may have never said it... but he knows Batman is coming. You may be affectionate now... yet he knew you'd turn right around once Batman came in the picture. The thought angered him...

But Riddler is prepared.

He'll make his deadliest riddle yet... once the bat is gone, then he'll finally have you all to himself.

[actualbampot]

Hi there, first just wanted to say big fan of your work! Always impressed by your prose and drawings, both are amazing without a doubt!

Second, I was wondering if there was any thoughts you had on Cinder and Ruby in Strict Machine (or outside of that fic) which you haven’t been able to write at or haven’t had the context to write for yet?

Hope your day is going well!

I managed to completely miss this. That's very sweet, thank you. I think it's less what I don't have the context to write, and more what I don't have the context to SHOW (The WIP document is still bigger than what has been published so far). I've been trying to be strict in keeping what I share systematic, so as not to spoil anything.

Something that I don't really talk about, is that I come under a lot of fire for making this story a younger character x older character pairing.

So, I fully intended to write ONLY Chapter 1 and be done with it, then when I started getting some unsavoury feedback I thought, you know what? Fuck it. I kept writing out of spite, and I tied Cinder and Ruby's age gap purely into background subtext because I wanted to subvert these expectations. I don't think myself ignorant to the fact that there's subsets of media that really lean into predatory, unhealthy aspects of this kind of theme, but Strict Machine always had very little to do and with age, and more to do with two complicated people at different points in their lives that struggle to navigate this inexplainable attraction to each other.

So when I get slated for being that one person 'that writes an age gap AU for Ruby x SheWhoMustNotBeNamed' with all of the attached implications, I know for a fact that they didn't even bother reading it.

-

Anyway, as for things I haven't been able to write/had no context to write:

Neo owns her own clothing brand, Harajuku, which has been around since before the inception of Adel. She and Cinder are, quote unquote 'very old friends', which Ruby finds baffling since Neo looks so young, and there's a rumor that Neo has a semblance at play when she makes public appearances. Coco doesn't really like her, and she was supposed to be a tension point of jealousy for Ruby.

Demobaza is one of my absolute favourite irl fashion brands (check them out here!). I wanted to fit it into this AU as a Vacuo clothing brand owned by Carmine Esclados. The target audience would have been Hunters and Huntresses.

Cinder is absolutely terrified of flying, and she's been banned from certain airlines for ignoring safety procedures on aircrafts. I started writing this to distract myself when we landed and took off from Austin airport for RTX- both times in the middle of storms.

Cinder' s connection to Willow was fully intended to be a footnote in Cinder's backstory and nothing more, but after I blocked out a few pages, I realized I could weave it in. So...we'll see?

Velvet is an incredibly talented photographer and one of a few that can photograph in 'Hard Light' successfully, and the reason why she landed the job as Cinder's assistant before Ruby. In my draft of Cinder and Ruby's private tutoring session, Cinder explains this as she struggles to set up a Hard Light camera for Ruby to use, but @fanfictionsrookie's version of this chapter was so amazingly written that I binned mine.

Cinder was originally going to own Tucksons coffee which explained why she was so familiar with the waiting staff in Chapter 1, but it didn't lend to anything beyond that, so I cut it.

Cinder and Ruby were originally going to kiss during their argument at the Lakeshore shoot, but I rewrote it to an 'almost kiss' to make their first kiss more impactful.

Maybe this was a bit too thorough.. Hope this answered..SOMETHING. :)

[faeriecinna]

WIP Questionnaire

Thank you for the tag @buffythevampirelover !

Project.Seraph :)

1. What was the first part of your wip that you created?

The character of Nevaeh was my leap of faith into this one. Previously I had only ever really written horror/thriller and I had always been too afraid to create my own fantasy world, but for some reason I just couldn't leave the idea of my broken little angel alone. The more I imagined her in different scenarios and fleshed out different characters and a plot, I knew I had to write it seriously or I'd never forgive myself.

2. If your story was a TV show, what would the theme song/intro be?

Honestly I really fuck with Plenty by Aeseaes for this one. The whole vibe is immaculate and it really encapsulates the mood of the story through the lyrics.

3. Who are your favourite characters you've made? Why?

I truly love them all for different reasons (except maybe Marco, fuck you Marco.) Though Nevaeh is my sweet innocent angel baby could never do anything wrong ever loml, and Queen Reinette is a favourite because I adore a good villain and I am very proud of the way I've written her character.

4. What other pieces of media do you think would share a fan base for your story?

I'm hoping the same kind of people who tore through Cassandra Clare's The Mortal Instruments will find my books to be worth of a good read. Also my fellow 'Merlin made me realise I was queer' pals. Not quite as high fantasy but I think P.Seraph is sometimes quite reminiscent of The Witcher too.

5. What has been your biggest struggle with your wip?

There are so many scenes that I've already imagined and desperately want to write, so writing everything in between to bridge the scenes together is so painful lmao. What do you mean I have to write about the journey to the castle before I get to write my big dramatic inciting incident???

6. Are there any animals in your story? Talk about them!

A lot of the first half is based in the woodland so many animals are encountered, though crows and various other corvids are a recurring motif. Also a lot of horses! Most characters travel by horse, including my little band of travelling thieves and the Queen's guards. In the marketplace there is also a very well known cat that belongs to the tavern-owner and likes to steal from people's stalls lmao

7. How do your characters get around? (ex: trains, horses, cars, dragons, etc.)

Mostly by foot, by horse, or by a carriage drawn by a horse.

8. What part of your wip are you working on rn?

Still the first draft rn but it's coming along smoothly. I have also been writing Project.Ink and fleshing out Project.Claw so I haven't been dedicating quite as much time to P.Seraph as I would like.

9. What aspects (tropes, maybe?) of your wip do you think will draw people in?

Who doesn't love a good enemies to lovers, right? This story absolutely reeks of betrayal, dark royalty, doomed love, war.... idk it has everything in it that I wanted to read all in one story and I hoped some people could relate

10. What are your hopes for your wip?

Obviously, I hope to be published one day, and if it is, my hope is that it will be one of those books that leaves people reeling after they've read it. I want people to connect to it, to cry over it, to read it so many times it doubles in size. I want people to be as violently in love with my characters as I am and I want people to relate to the story in whichever way they see fit. I want it to mean something to someone. One day. Eventually.

no pressure tags for @melpomene-grey, @goldxdarkness, @darkangel319 :)

Blank under the cut

1. What was the first part of your wip that you created?

2. If your story was a TV show, what would the theme song/intro be?

3. Who are your favourite characters you've made? Why?

4. What other pieces of media do you think would share a fan base for your story?

5. What has been your biggest struggle with your wip?

6. Are there any animals in your story? Talk about them!

7. How do your characters get around? (ex: trains, horses, cars, dragons, etc.)

8. What part of your wip are you working on rn?

9. What aspects (tropes, maybe?) of your wip do you think will draw people in?

10. What are your hopes for your wip?

[oh-no-another-idea]

Writing Questions tag

Thank you for the tag @moonluringfrost! <3

What is your absolute all-time favorite idea you’ve ever had?

The whole premise of Invisible Girl is up there. :) To have an idea so vivid that it stays with you for four years...that's special, and it's the first one I've had to stick around so long.

Is there a question you’ve been asked in the past that really stands out to you, and you still think about sometimes?

Not sure what this question means, but I always love it when I see a family friend after a while and they ask me "how's writing going?" It means a lot, even if my answer is a lot of flailing and stuttering ;)

What is your favorite part of being a writer? What parts could you take or leave?

My favorite part is playing dolls and making the characters interact/grow/change. Bonus points if I have a fleshed out world or plot! That part right in the beginning when you don't have names for literally everyone and you don't know exactly where it's going to take place...I'm not the biggest fan of that. I like knowing what story I'm trying to tell.

What is your greatest motivation to write/create?

I love it and it feeds me and fuels me and if I go too long without it, I'm sad :(

What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever read or been given as a writer?

Right now, it's write a little every day you can. Even if the numbers aren't big, even if you don't end up using the text. I can tell I'm still honing my skills and learning the best ways I work, and it really is like creating a habit for myself. If not that wip, than another. But write something! 😉

What do you wish you knew when you were first starting out writing?

Maybe start smaller? Try out some shorter stories before you attempt a novel, to understand the arc of a story? My younger self probably wouldn't have listened though lol...

What is your favorite story you’ve written to completion? Link it if you’d like and can!

Fanfiction and short stories have been my only journeys to completion so far and been super helpful in helping me see the targets with my novels. Alas, no finished novels yet :)

Which of your characters would you say has the most controversial mindset? Why do you say so, and how do you personally feel about their ideals?

Azrail Greenfield from my wip Cemetery Sisters is a twenty-something guy on his own path through life with remarkably little care about sticking to the norm, and a lot of his journey is based on my own thoughts as I navigate my own very different path. He talks a lot about what human beings were designed to do, and what kind of life he wants and whether or not he needs a college degree for it, and it's all the sort of thing everyone (and my protagonist) would first agree with upon hearing, but struggle with applying it anywhere in their own lives. We have so much internalized about the way our society works, even when we can see parts of it are unhealthy! Anyways. Many thoughts. We'll see what comes of it.

If you, when you first started writing, met you now, what would younger you think?

I think they'd ask for tips, read my stuff and copy it shamelessly ;) And hopefully, be pretty proud! And also say "Um. Why isn't your novel done yet." 😂

I'd love to see everyone's thoughts and answers to these questions--but no pressure! @sleepyowlwrites @sleepy-night-child @drippingmoon @blind-the-winds @reneesbooks @eccaiia and @talesofsorrowandofruin <3