#maybe someone has but im relying on what i see on social media like tumblr or twitter

[maxiwaxipads]

babbling about potential fragaria memories worldbuilding (of course, it is made up <3)

Essentially, the concept of a “castle” is a kingdom’s lifeblood and creates the entire kingdom in the first place. It originates from the “Lord” who creates the castle and shares both a physical and mental connection to the Lord.

(The castle creates the castle itself and is a literal and symbolic heart of the kingdom) (Potentially creates the walls that protect/surround the kingdom, and might have the power to erect entire buildings) (Technically, a castle can expand its borders but expending too much power might strain the lord who creates the castle(?)) (Can only create buildings within the boundary of the walls)

(I like the idea that SEEDs are naturally attracted to castles because of the high density of magic surrounding these areas(?)) But also because the existence of a lord is essential to the kingdoms since they’re highly exalted and revered, taking them down would mean taking down the whole kingdom.

If the lord is damaged in any way, the castle itself will be vulnerable to attacks depending on the severity.

Relying on the idea that magic doesn’t come naturally to faeries (or whatever the people in fragaria are), I describe it as more ��communal” if that makes sense? Castles provide unlimited magic to all citizens for public and daily use. Everyone has access to magic but is limited if too many are using magic at the same time. Communal magic can only be used within the bounds of the kingdom.

Using communal magic in an attempt to harm the castle is possible, but barely damages the castle. I imagine foreign magic or attacks by SEEDs are the only ways of directly harming the castle without attacking the Lord themselves(?)

Maybe the idea of “communal magic” can only be used through special wands(?)

If a castle undergoes damage, it can heal but requires the concentration of the lord to perform the healing.

Alternatively, everyone can use magic but has a limited use of it per month. The wand thing still applies. (Perhaps you can buy extra chargers for magic, but maybe it is a bit costly(?)) (Technically you can probably hoard magic, but maybe a heavy tax is placed to prevent people from hoarding magic(?)) (<- I kinda forgot, but I remember the initial idea was that hoarding magic is bad since it is considered a precious source and it would be preferred if it can be used for more important and practical matters rather than being stored and saved up(?))

Technically “communal magic” comes from the lord but are still vulnerable to others using their power against them(?)

(i like the idea of castles being a physical and mental representation of the lord) 

(something similar to brainless witch but less depressing) (…or would it be just as depressing?)

(creating a castle doesn’t require a constant maintenance of power, but for things like “communal magic,” it does)

(i like to think of castles as an extension of the lords)

Knights of Fragaria require a lot of power to form contracts and may deplete the kingdom’s defenses. They’re considered great assets for their loyalty and ability to act around as they please. Unlike normal faeries, they’ve been granted the ability to use magic as they please and more capable than the average faerie. It can be risky to have two knights of fragaria since it may endanger the defenses of the kingdom.

(Maybe Knights of Fragaria have an intrinsic connection to their lords and the castle themselves(?)) 

(I find it more instinctive rather than all-knowing(?))

A SEED that takes over a castle will absorb immense magic power for their own and may become unstoppable. Their abilities are heighten but are bound within the castle until it stops possession for whatever reason. A SEED possessing a castle may also strengthen SEEDs within the vicinity and birth new SEEDs. (Maybe they drain the castle themselves until it disappears for good(?))

“Purification” is the magical defeat against a SEED.

“Banishment” is the physical defeat against a SEED.

Music is something culturally significant in the world of Fragaria, especially during the SEEDs crisis. I might not explain this idea well, but imagine playing songs and trying to soothe a loved one while trying to remove the SEED from them? Even melancholic music being used to attract SEEDs.

Imagine singing being an important song to a loved one, hoping they turn back to normal? or maybe this is just me trying to make the fragaria memories music videos have lore significance aha 

Maybe I haven’t seen a lot of others write about lore, but have you ever thought about the implications of forgetting someone because of a SEED? 

Imagine looking at old photos, but suddenly recognizing someone you once knew as a stranger? Imagine having decorated rooms meant for someone, but not remembering who these rooms are for? Imagine finding old letters and notes you’ve lovingly written to others or have been written to, but not knowing the context or the people behind these letters.

Imagine someone sacrificing themselves under the brave act of protecting people from SEEDs but only to be forgotten.

What is the pain of wanting to desperately remember someone? Do you even want to remember anyway? Should we forget the people we can’t even remember? Maybe there are memorials or murals that honor these people, how would kingdoms honor those who are forgotten?

Maybe they don’t in the first place? Who knows?

But I’m more curious about the nature of SEEDs themselves? Are they a species that is controlled or are they animalistic and feed off a person’s negative energy for survival?

Do SEEDs have some level of intelligence? If they do, I imagine it isn’t too comparable to a human’s. I feel like it’s similar to the demons in Frieren in the Funeral(?)

In my opinion, I think SEEDs can discern if emotions are “negative” but are unable to truly understand the essence of negative emotions. They see it as a source of food. I mentioned melancholic music as bait for SEEDs, but I wonder about the idea of "manufactured negativity," if that makes sense? Imagine the sounds of crying children being used to attract SEEDs themselves. Imagine trying to purposefully invoke the saddest moments in life just to see if you can use that negative energy to attract a SEED?

I find it more meaningful that SEEDs have always existed as a consequence of the world. In Twisted Wonderland, using magic produces a pollution known as blot. But if Fragaria Memories was once a world that relied on magic but never thought of the consequences of producing its own blot?

So basically: "SEEDs are the consequence of using magic."

what if SEEDs is like the original sin if you get me...?

What was the world like before the arrival of the Strawberry King? Before the idea of lords and their kingdoms existed?

[alarrytale]

When do you think the window will close for HL to become a power couple or to CO and make a big impact? I was just thinking about how Nicholas is gaining a lot of attention and he's almost 29, not far off Harry. His age hasn't really worked against him. Same with many other musicians and actors who are in their 30s upwards and are doing great. I don't know why but it feels different with HL. Maybe it's because they've been in the limelight for so long. Generally speaking, they're very boring compared to other celebrities. Their images haven't changed much since the beginning of their solo careers. Whereas someone like TS keeps reinventing herself. Harry is still a womanizer and Louis is still a laddy lad. Because they're in the closet they're not unleashing their full potential. It holds them back in every way. It affects both of them but I think it especially affects Harry. He looks so tired and fed up. It would be a huge weight off them if they CO. The longer it takes them to CO the less impact it'll make.

Here's a few asks about Harry in regards to coming out, hussell, citrus fruit bicycles and rebranding, and my answers to them.

Hi, anon!

I think mostly it's because as you say, they haven't really reinvented themselves. They don't have social media precence and is not engaging their audience in other ways. It's like they're tired of playing these games and they're low effort and low energy.

They've also got so much baggage, so many loose ends to tie up before everything is forgiven and forgotten. As much as they are going for a blank slate, the slate is alredy full of paint. They can't rid themselves of their history and former actions.

Harry really isn't bothering to spend much time with Louis. He's been in London for well over a month now.

Well, Harry is on a well deserved break from touring (while pursuing other ventures...) and he's working. Louis is working too. Do you know anyone who brings their significant other to work? They're obviously both prioritising work rn, and they've talked about it and decided it together. We also do not know if Harry's been to see L on tour. So do not fret. All is well in larryland.

He's not a slow burn, but a quick and fast burning star./// Even if Harry lost all his fans tomorrow he would never be described like this. He's been hugely famous and successful since 2010, that's 13 years. Even as a soloist he's been around for 8 years. A fast burning star is a two album wonder like Shawn Mendes.

You misunderstand me, anon. We are talking about H's career not being designed to last until he's 80yo here. He can't stunt until he's 80 and expect to keep his fans. He can't rely on his good looks and womaniser image to bring in fans in the year 2073. In order to do that he'd need a different fanbase demographic and a different USP.

I see you mentioned that you are on twitter, so what im about to say might not be news to you but I have to disagree with that ask mentioning Harry’s new stuntship is garnering positive attention, full disclosure im not on tiktok but I have been monitoring Harry/Harries/Larries on other social media platforms like twitter/instagram/tumblr to see the reaction of his fandom, I have to say that there is a general indifference to H and her, most of their outings don’t even make noise outside of a relatively small portion of Harries (im basing this on comparing the numbers of interactions Harry gets on his own versus he gets with her, bigger update accounts dont even posts updates on them (it is funny that hld does and other dont lol) -i saw his team got an account posing as a new pop culture account post about them tho it is hilarious), he has a large fandom that is known to be online all the time so a couple of hundreds of people talking about those outings is nothing compared to thousands of people reacting to his ‘newest’ tattoo reveal, funny enough that is the most he was talked since the tour ended, that must be alarming to his team seeing that he has a new fling, so we know how exciting and erratic that gets within fandom with girlfriend harries acting like they are the ones in the honeymoon period of said relationship and larries trying to prove that it is yet another pr attempt, larries have the biggest “whatever” energy I have seen we have when it comes to this, what must be concerning for them is that this is not a consequence of conscious effort on fandom’s part, people just don’t care. I’m of the opinion that his team pit hets against larries or vice versa to generate nonstop convo surrounding Harry, but that is not happening rn. I give them that they tried something new with this pr, they chose a poc interest which became a hot topic for just a minute but people quickly got used to that “reality”. However some poc harries are not as much pleased by this situation bc they are realizing that so much of Harry’s public persona and life is just him/his team reacting to how he is perceived so they are feeling like this is not something genuine but an attempt to savor a part of Harry’s image -this i observed in older harries (when i say older I mean people aged 22 and above), younger ones are just accepting it as is.

I talked about this with another blog in detail, but his former stuntship being so exposed ruined the fantasy of boyfriend harry for too many of his fans especially older ones which is a shame bc it shows a)they got wiser to his public persona/brand and didn’t like it b)those are the fans that needed to stick around for harry to have a longer career as they were (imo) leftovers of 1D fandom, they literally outgrew him, I watched some of them leave during the former stunt and now im seeing the ones that are left publicly making fun of him, I know so many of Harry’s fans, larries or harries, are not ready to talk about this but boyfriend H is an enormous selling point of Harry as a brand so his team being so invested in pushing stunt after a stunt is not helping him, on the contrary it is giving non-larrie fans an opening to question what he/his team serve as harry styles. They are catching up on the fact that there is always the same formula at play when it comes to his private life or his interactions with his fans or his need to be seen only when he wants to sell smth. I saw his team paying well known accounts on instagram/twitter to post about him, his music, his heartfelt moments from the tour, name anything outside of his relationships (there is nothing wrong with this by the way, so many of celebrities do this to get their news out there ‘organically’) but GP don’t respond well to Harry, he might be well known but the reputation he has with gp wont help him prolong his career, on top of that seeing the state of fandom rn, he is in desperate need of rebranding asap, idk if his latest antics have anything to do with showing record labels that he has what it takes to get another multimillion dollars contract but they are failing and turning off some of his fans that are in his corner from him.

Hi!

Yes, yes, yes! I hard agree. I think you, i and the tiktok anons who thinks hussell is garnering a lot of attention just have to agree to disagree on this.

As i said, i think we're at a cross road. He needs to makes some decisions on how to proceed next. Does he want a short career or a long one, does he want to risk losing core fans, does he want to risk becoming a laughing stock and not be taken seriously as an artist? Or does he want longevity and respect?

Harry is a multimillionaire. Why the hell would he rent L*me bikes in London, where he lives, when he could just use his own bike? Antis are so stupid. How do they explain him disappearing for weeks and then getting spotted every single day. I'd bet they think that in the month over the holidays we didn't see him that he never left the house. Ridiculous lmao. The real reason why they are arguing against L*me being a PR deal is because by admitting that Harry does PR it means that his 'relationship' with TR could be PR for L*ewe. Which means his other 'relationships' could be PR. By admitting he does PR it opens up a can of worms. So they'll never admit to that no matter how obvious it is. They're ignorant by choice.

Hi,

Again, i'm not happy about the name calling here. Antis have been gaslighted for years and it's not their fault. So please refrain from the name calling. I've seen a lot of het harries calling out the citrus fruit promo, so some see it. Some i think is seeing it, but they have an ingrained need to defend him from critisism. There is no doubt it's promo.

I think the relationship with TR is to repair his image after the damage Holivia did, and also the L*ewe connection. It's image rehab and it's working. They picked a poc, an unproblematic woman and it's a 'low key' relationship. The Harries and the gp are eating it up. It's getting him back into people's good books. People are really invested. I can't see it being a short stunt, it'll be at least a year. If it ends in a few months it's not going to look good for him. Harries want to see him settle down and are questioning why he isn't. There will be more questioning when he hits his 30s. Short flings are going to make him look as if he can't hold a relationship down so the stunts will be longer. You said that we might be due for a rebrand sooner than we think. I wish for this too but I don't see him CO very soon as he's with TR. He holds hands with her so they do want people to think they're in a relationship.  If he isn't CO soon then what kind of image rebrand can he get? He can't be rebranded as queer as he's still going to stunt with women. He'll get even worse backlash. I can only see them pushing his het image more. Showing that he can hold down long term relationships with women. Doing the power couple thing with a woman. Which I think I'd rather not have lol.

Hi!

Would you repair a failed pr relationship with another pr relationship that might also fail? That's a big risk to take. I'm not sure i agree that hussell is image rehab for harry. People are tired of stunts in general and i think no matter who he chose as a new stunt after O, we'd be just as fed up and tired.

Also see two asks above. There is fandom disagreement on this point.

I don't know if this is going to be long or short. It depends on Harry's next plans, and we're not privy to them yet.

A rebrand doesn’t have to mean a coming out. It might just be changing the target audience, changing music genre or changing clothing style. Maybe he's doing more movies or maybe he wants to start a luxury clothing brand. We don’t know.

Hussell will never be a power couple. She's too unknown and not on his level. And i don't think Harry would want that either. He'd look visibly unhappy and uninterested if they tried that. More than he already does with her now.

[literary-potato]

#my understanding is that few if any social media platforms DO turn a profit?#maybe im wrong tho

You’re sort of right Caveat emptor, I’m not an expert and I refuse to understand how finance works. I just grew up in Silicon Valley, eventually became techie scum and worked there, and now I work for a startup. So you know. I might be off on the finer points but I have the gist. Most startups -- whether they’re social media platforms or not -- don’t turn a profit initially. Even if they’re sound business models providing a good product that people use. That takes time. Until they are profitable, they rely mostly on VC investments to cover the cost of running servers, paying engineers, LaCroix, etc. But that is kind of expected to be a temporary state.

So once an app has been around for a while, they have essentially two options.

1) Make a profit. (This is what most of the big names that have survived do eventually. The FAANGs/MANGAs.)

2) Don’t?? And just... keep subsisting on wishful thinking and Silicon Valley dudebros hyping each other up? (see: Uber, Twitter)

Option 2 can actually work for a surprisingly long time if you have a hyped up product, you’re headed by someone who fits the tech founder mold (i.e. an awkward but driven white guy engineer), and The Economy is ripe for that kind of thing, but those are all big ifs. It’s kind of like a cartoon character running off the edge of a cliff and staying airborne: theoretically they do stay up, but it’s a very precarious situation because as soon as they look down (or someone with influence points out loudly enough that they should look down) they’re in trouble. With that in mind, I actually really don’t mind Tumblr being frank about the fact that it needs money. I’d rather it be open about that fact and come up with some kind of income stream that keeps it solvent (if not profitable) than play some kind of weird shell game with investors. Or make the money by mining all our data so companies can manipulate us better with ads, and then collect info about how we interact with the ads so they can learn more about us and continue the cycle ad infinitum. Them wanting to simply sell a good and/or service strikes me as a good thing.

Now that said, selling merch is a weird route to make money. Charging for an Ad Free premium option and showing ads to everyone else has some successful precedent (Spotify). Asking for donations has some successful precedent (AO3). Charging on a subscription basis has successful precedent (lots of apps). Selling merch really isn’t a typical money-making method for apps. For bands and podcasts, sure, but their costs are much smaller scale. Maintaining a platform that people use and upload content to is not cheap. 

TLDR: You’re not completely right that apps as a rule don’t turn a profit, but you are right in thinking they don’t always do so, and that trying to do so by selling merch is a very weird choice.

if tumblr is really truly in a position of relying on funds raised from the userbase to cover operating costs, i wish they would adopt the npr model and do like a pledge drive a couple times a year. i think people would be more tolerant of having the website beg them for money if they confined it to set windows of time

[thatiranianphantom]

Hello baby im writing this bcs you help me before is something weird is happening lately i felt least invested on bughead maybes is bcs the hiatus, maybe its bcs im not worried about bh endgame anymore. The thing is that i started to be invested on something else and i hate it, and sadly is lili and cole relationship more on their break up and i hate bcs i never pay attention to it before i never was invested i through they were a cute couple and that was all.

But lately i had been feeling more anxious about and its stupid bcs i wonder why they broke up, if they were still in love when they make it, why take that decision, when they broke up and if they are on good terms.

the true its we probably never know, i know he is with someone and i know they are both proffesionals and we will get our endgame, again maybe its the hiatus maybe its teh lack of content I'm trying to figute out what hiatus was words for me.

I hope you could give me and advice i know its stupid but in reality im tired of think about it bit i cant stop.

Also if you felt its needed dont post this ask i dont want to trolls come to you for me

Sweetie, I love your concern for me. That is so sweet ❤️

But I ain't afraid of the trolls. Come at me, bros.

And I think this is one of those things that nobody talks about but many feel. I know I have. I really think personally, it has to do with lockdown. I have really done nothing but be all in on the Riverdale fandom and Bughead for the last year. It's a daily, constant cycle of fanfiction, Tumblr and chats. And a lot of that has kept me sane, but we have just lived through an insane time, and I for one am ready to stop living in "unprecedented times", and having to rely on these characters has created an element of apathy. What I'm saying is some element of boredom with the show or the couple is normal and nothing to be sad about. For me, it seems to have affected every couple, not just Bughead. Sure, I'm still reading Wyndoc and Rollisi fanfic. But I'm not feeling the same pull I used to. For Riverdale, a lot of that is attributed to these insanely long breaks and the way we've been jerked around as a fandom this last year. Riverdale hasn't been at its best, and has been really off-putting and disheartening.

I've said it before, I'll say it again, this would be such a better season to binge rather than watch live. You could cut through the large swaths of useless plot and bullshit that has plagued this season.

I really don't speculate on Sprousehart, but I can absolutely see how the breakup would cause you some sadness as well. Some people, though, get along a lot better when they're not together. And it doesn't seem to have affected the Bughead scenes. May I humbly recommend unfollowing both of them on social media? I know it's not something most of us want to do, but it will honestly feel like a weight lifted. I'm not saying there won't be times where you'll still see something on Tumblr and it'll make you sad, but not having to open SM apps and brace yourself is going to be so relieving to you. That's a large part of the reason I unfollow over the summer. Instagram and Twitter don't tag or allow blocking of tags. If I couldn't have done that over the whole Barchie arc, I'm not sure I would still be on Tumblr.

And know that you should feel whatever you need to feel, honey. I am a proponent of the theory that if you fight the bad feelings off, you are giving them power over you. I can't tell you how much relief I've come to in acknowledging and verbalizing the feelings. Tell yourself "Yes, I am feeling sad right now because....." Don't try to rationalize it, don't judge yourself for feeling this way. Just let yourself recognize that feeling. Write it down as well if you'd find it helpful. That takes away the power these feelings have over you, when you stop fighting it off. Also, please remember to give yourself some of the grace you'd surely give others. Don't think you don't deserve that same grace.

Chin up, love. We're all turning a corner ❤️

[vortomorto]

you're so right about the "British humor" thing where I live it's also worse than there, people will say a slur and think it's funny but just because we're used to hearing it doesn't make it ok, just because it's a "culture thing" doesn't make it ok. it SHOULD be called out and props to you for doing it despise all the shit you're getting

(‼️ CW: SLURS, R*PE & SEXUAL ASSAULT MENTIONS,IS*S,A BIT HEAVY CONTENT‼️)

ppl constantly say the n word here (mainly in songs or as a "joke") and i have tried explaining why they shouldnt say it but all i got was "there are no black people here, who cares". in good news, the rise of tik tok has made a lot of greek people talk to people from other countries and i have seen lots of greeks in social media censoring the word instead of saying it (not in my region tho sadly)

im not even talking about the r slur or the f slur or the g slur (or a t slur – idk if theres an equivalent in english, its not the 6 letter one). basically everyones using them everywhere and its really fucked up. the r slur is the one that most people (at least adults) have accepted its a slur and no (good) teacher lets kids get away with it lightly.

i called out a classmate of mine for using a slur and ever since then everytime he sees me he says it??? its so disturbing. at least i dont see him anymore.

its not even slurs, r*pe jokes are so fucking common and its so terrifying. i told a "friend" of mine when he made one with his friends that they are not funny and his reply was "why? are you afraid we are going to **** you?". like dude, youre fucked up. imagine saying that and thinking youre funny?? and as someone who actually got sexually assaulted (something that i have never mentioned to anyone irl, heres me talking about it on tumblr) its especially triggering and scary. at that point i just stopped talking, its a lost cause. its fucked up and yet so normalized. they dont understand that what they are doing is gross and has an actual impact.

they also make a lot of n*zi and is*s jokes??? to the point someone i knew uploaded stories where he and his friends pretend to behead one another like is*s does or whatever??? once again, not funny. youre not edgy.

ppl who say "its just british humour" have the same energy as old ppl who say "thats not what we did back in my day". the world is changing and evolving and we have to move on from this. maybe we should be more careful with our words bc they are not just words. our words have meaning and our words can hurt others.

when the eboys made n*zi jokes, they made it ok for everyone watching them to make n*zi jokes. they are not obscure youtubers for a niche audience, they are mainstream (yeah i said it) and have a huge audience. they are the ones setting the boundaries and their behaviour is how they show whats acceptable and whats not. they are setting an example, whether they like it or not. you can argue that its not their responsibility to set a good example, but thats not changing the fact that they *are* setting an example, good or bad.

as i said, if your humour relies on making n*zi jokes, maybe youre not that funny. maybe shock humour isnt funny and its cringey. maybe comedy existed long before h*tler existed.

and maybe dark humour is making jokes about yourself and your mental illnesses to cope, not whatever these edgy dudes are doing.

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

[masterturner]

long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still.  im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time.  i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull.  the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly.  i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward.  i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too?  i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking.  maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was.  it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow.  and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different.  it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable.  maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt.  i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it.  i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else?  even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that.  i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish.  why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt.  i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place.  there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow.  but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year.  since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all?  did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now?  i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know.  eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess.  she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far.  it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain.  ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep.  but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining?  i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though.  but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same  

[the-mythical-norm]

Responding to Varun

@varun-krishnan

Great post Varun, thank you for making disagreeing so enjoyable. I mean that sincerely. Its the things that keep you up at night that are worth doing. And its 4:30 AM! 

Anyways, I see you’re point. When people are giving to chance to choose, they usually choose wrong. But I wouldn’t be so quick to say we’d all spindle into a grand canyon of ineptitude. If no one is “working” then who would supply us with our phones anyways? The entertainment industry would most likely dwindle because, like we both agreed, it is only able to thrive because we need it to distract us. But if we didn’t need to quench this thirst that was deprived from work and dread, we might go mad. Those friends you spoke with who were bored over spring break probably had copious amounts of entertainment, and it still wasn’t enough anyways. What if having nothing to do, because work and progress were thrown out the window, is enough to force us to be cool. The struggle is what births cool after all. We’d be so bored to death that we’d be forced to improvise. I think the reason people rely on Netflix and iPhones so much is because they don’t know what else to do. Without work they probably wouldn’t be able to have them anyways. People I’ve talked to have no idea what they’d be doing if not what they are now.  You’re right when you say that they want the easiest route, but thats a byproduct of a society obsessed with progress. We need fast food, fast cars, and lame jobs to progress our society. In order for maximum efficiency and growth. The question then becomes, how beneficial is this growth? How far do we want to get? 90% of the worlds waste comes from 10% of the worlds population..or something like that. So how much longer will this last? How much more do we want? What will we tell our great great grandchildren when they’re living in a glass bubble on mars only dreaming of being able to look at a lake…or a tree? Obviously sacrifices need to be made in order for a society to progress, but at the end of the day, whats the point of this progress? How many of us will actually reap its benefits? 10%? 20%? And the ones who do, hate their jobs most of the time anyways. And its all worth it so we can squeeze some art through the cracks and take bike rides when we aren’t busy? What a silly way to live. Our society will eventually collapse if we continue to advance. Progress progress progress. At some point its got to give. The term worker bee was born for a reason. The focus of their existence is to work, work, and more work. They also suffer from colony collapse disorder. Theres no scientific explanation for it, entire bee colonies just vanish into thin air, with no trace of struggle..maybe its because they work too much. Or the collapse of Easter Islands society, progress is great when you’re progressing, but how “sustainable” is it anyways. Theres only so much resource. You seem to suggest that what we are doing now works, does it? Will any form of society actually work? Everyone relies on being told what to do because, like we talked about in class, its hard to think for yourself, its hard to get control over your body/mind, its hard to DO things that you aren’t told to do. Like post to this Tumblr.

Im not sure if people would turn to cool if they no longer had to work or go to college, but most people I ask usually say “I don’t know,” or that they would travel.

Im also not sure that art only existed after humans had civilized and advanced utility. Archeologists have discovered Paleolithic cave art dating 40,000 years back, in Indonesia. It’s pretty amazing too. The time spent looking for your next meal in 10,000 BCE is directly replace with time spent looking for your next pay check, and because of the efficiency we’ve “mastered,” excess has been born. Pablo Picasso was cool, but he was doing the best with what he had. He wasn’t making art to progress society, he was just putting it out there. We are obsessed with extremes, manic or depressed. Wealth or poverty. Cool trys to show us a middle ground, a constant hum rather than shouts and whispers.

You say that “..societal progress is critical not because it helps alleviate human suffering, but because it allows more people to be Cool..” But I disagree. Societal progress doesn’t alleviate any suffering, thats just part of the human condition. To rid ourselves of suffering would be to rid ourselves of our humanity. Which is exactly what we are on track of doing, becoming robots whose only purpose is to progress. On the contrary, In order for our society to advance, AKA produce more shit for the rich to buy, there has to be suffering. Most of these consumer products which blossomed from “societal progression,” have been tainted in blood. The invention of the iPhone has provided millions of sweatshop workers with 40 hour shifts and zero time to be cool..the only progression there is suicide rates. That sounds a lot like slavery, which still exists by the way, in India, China, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Uzbekistan, the list goes on. As for the starvation, theres plenty of that too. And way more people to endure its wrath, possibly because of societies advancements, what happened to Darwins theory of evolution, survival of the fittest? Are we cheating a bit? Even people who have access to food, still starve themselves. Eating disorders may have even stemmed from technological advancements (social media) too.

You say cool won’t progress society, whys that such a bad thing? It is true that the sophisticated and advanced society that James Dean or The Beatles could enjoy being cool in would seize to exist, but ultimately cool is a battle stance. What if there was no battle? What if we were so cool we didn’t even need I️t. I️ also agree that In order for cool to exist, there needs to be uncool. But does the uncool world depend on the cool one to exist? Its possible that we could become so dictated by success that we become like the worker bees. You could argue both sides. When people don’t have food, they are starving, but when people do have food, they are still starving. Of course cool needs the uncool and there will always be duality, Yin and Yang. There has to be, or else meaningfulness would be lost. If you just love everything and everyone, loves power sort of looses its meaning and just dilutes in its ubiquity. So I️ agree that cool has a relationship with the uncool, but I wouldn’t go as far as to say that its intimate. Im not arguing for a utopian society, where we live in tribes and sing kumbuya by the campfire, hunt our own food and refuse to advance. Because that didn’t work either, someone eventually decided to make things easier, and advance. Maybe that was a mistake. It’s worth thinking about, and free too. Im not really sure what im arguing. We can learn from all of these different forms of society. Maybe not eradicating the workforce but promoting genuinely passionate career paths. I’d be lying if a little part of me didn’t scream fuck that, advancement is only creating more suffering to the unlucky ones. As you said, slaves cant be cool. But Slavery exists on both sides of the spectrum. On the far end, we could become so obsessed with advancement that we become slaves of money and material pursuit, and on the other end(living in tribes), slaves of famine and lack of clean water. Maybe theres a healthy middle ground. Perhaps nothing works, not even cool. As we learned in class, cool cracked up in 1968. Revolution swept the streets. Those streets have since been paved, where did the rebellion go? We live in a whole new world now, Lester Young and Andy Warhol didn’t have iPhones or Netflix, and Im sure it would have negatively effected their coolness if they did. But their art wouldn’t have existed if society didn’t advance in the first place, so is there a line? There must be. Any form of suffering, to a certain extent, would allow cool to exist. Its not necessarily the marketplace because that was the bane of cools existence in the first place, I think. You don’t necessarily have to be cool to enjoy the sunset either, so cheering for the hamsters on the wheel to run faster, just so the barrier to cool is a little easier to hop, isn’t the best idea. That perpetuating wheel has A LOT of side effects and cool is just one, if it even exists. I️m not sure it’s enough to outweigh the rest. I think cool should view the culture industry as an enemy, and there will never be a cool that isn’t thrust upon you through hardship, theres no escaping that. Even purchasing your cool requires some suffering, as we can all agree that making money isn’t all that fun. Unless you love what you do. I think the real question we should be asking is, how can we learn from all of this? How should we be?  to be continued in paper 3...

[osaruehara]

am i getting old? going out isn’t really fun to me anymore. feeling more tired. sick of seeing people on their phones. even my own parents who stay plugged in and don’t say a word. feels lonely man. been reading books and going to the gym/exercising 3-5 times a week and watching what i eat and trying to stay active in learning whenever i can. but damn there are still those times of straight up loneliness. like everyone got their own thing going on with their own group and i feel like all i’ve got is my current S/O who can’t reply throughout the day and my coworkers who i’m sick of (in a good way). no one really down to hangout i guess. maybe it’s my fault too because i don’t go out of my way to reach out that often - but when i do, it’s usually a “meh” or “im busy” or a “read”. this used to affect me more. i don’t know if it’s a good thing that it’s getting a bit easier to deal with. i miss having a strong core group of friends and i long for that like old times. i see people with their active group chats and i actually feel pretty sad l o l. damn. i know i have people who actually care for me. who still hit me up. but it’s not rly ever for the sake of hanging out. it’s usually to go out and drink or rave or do something and then snapchat/instagram it and then share it with your other friends.  it’s funny how your two jobs that involve heavy human interaction still leaves you feeling like an exiled traitor or something. Go Fish relies heavily on teamwork. Advance PT relies on patient care. yet i go to the gym, come back home to a house full of emptiness. this got real sad real quick haha but anyway. i feel like i made a bunch of fuck ups and this is what i get? i’ve been trying to be more forgiving of myself but my current mindset is “ya dun goofed - so swallow it like Jayden James”. ----

i want to wish people the best, but i find myself more envious than happy for someone else. like seeing people my age succeed to quickly and i’m like fuck me i’m still working at a restaurant that pays more than my clinical job. i’m still following a path i’m not even 100%. it’s the same issue of not really having a passion. well i guess i have an idea of it: i want to help people. it’s so basic but it’s the root of it. i love being the dude who’s like “yo i got it from here, i gotchu” because people have done that for me and it feels wonderful. whether that translates into my path of physical therapy or another healthcare career is a different story.

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back to the everyone being on their phone shit. dude that’s been pissing me off. well i guess not pissing me off but seriously. like i see how people scroll through shit, swipe a bit , double tap, scroll more. mindlessly. endless information. i tried reinstalling everything with the hope that i would just use it to keep up with how people are doing and shit but it does kinda get too much. like you see everyone’s highlights while you work and you keep looking your phone for notifications or you pick it up whenever you feel bored. i have to actively think about focusing on what’s in front of me rather than reaching for my phone for shit. books have helped though. i kinda get excited sometimes knowing i get to go home to a nice book. i dunno if it’s just me tho. maybe it is. just feels so superficial, all of it. maybe it isn’t and i’m just being pissy. i mean the internet and social media has been a part of my life too for the longest part. just don’t know why it’s becoming an issue now. 

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thanks for being my journal tumblr lolz, too lazy to write in a notebook (+ my handwriting... lord help this child). stay up