#maybe she assumes her role of ' ultimate child caregiver ' &. well you know

[vellichorom]

ok maybe NOW you’re a little ready to hear about v3 remnants SO I WAS THINKING OF THESE LAST NIGHT & NOT ALL OF THESE ARE SOLID IDEAS SO I’D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR GUYS’ THOUGHTS BUT

I do like !!! to think that outside of the v3 universe & in the main canon timeline, the v3 cast exists - doing what they do, & they were primarily targeted to become remnants of despair because of how outlandish they are & junko thought ‘ these would be tasty tasty additions to my despair army c’mhere pspsps ‘

 -- shuichi saihara / ultimate detective often times commits a series of crimes that he later investigates himself & somehow manages to pin blame on an entirely random person & thrives off the thrill of being acknowledged as this wonderful detective as someone rots in jail or immediately gets a death penalty

 -- korekiyo shinguji / ultimate anthropologist kindaaa ??? does about the same thing he did in canon ??? a serial killer that primarily targets women ( friends for his sister but in a twisted platonic sense of love ) but kind of goes after everybody, why? he gets to witness raw emotions with the heinous acts he commits & that is just too beautiful for him, because these emotions can’t be faked when there’s a knife at your throat huoouh,,

 -- angie yonaga / ultimate artist kills in the name of “ god “ / on behalf of god to rid the world of sinners ??? or save the good ones, I’m not sure which would work more IN ANY CASE, she’s using the name of god as her excuse for killing - FULL well knowing she’s not being encouraged by a god OR “ god “ now translates to junko enoshima subconsciously, & she’s preaching on her behalf

 -- miu iruma / ultimate inventor joins with ultimate despair kazuichi to keep up with the supply & demand of monokumas, as well as sprinkle in their own means of causing despair & FOR MIU, her award-winning inventions quickly shift into making the public’s life hell, & w/ the corruption of society & it’s buisinesses, she gets away with it for a long time before the world truly goes under

 -- tsumugi shirogane / ultimate cosplayer ( ??? ) FANGIRL OF JUNKO ENOSHIMA ( in the way that we have fangirls of serial killers today ) & commits v3-esque killing games in her name & broadcasts them alongside the others going on it starts off as a dark web series that QUICKLY gets out of hand & trickles into public domain when the public begins to close control of everything & collapse, during the tragedy, junko uses her for broadcast filler & tsumugi is happy to do it

( or, another thing I thought of ) through her cosplaying / impersonation skills, she & the imposter team up a lot && IN ANY CASE, she somehow slips into the future foundation’s rank ( chisa-esque ) & broadcasts from there or tries to start a killing game up in there or what have you OTHERWISE JUST ACTS AS AN INSIDER THAT FURTHER MAKES THEIR JOB HARDER ( eventually kind of creates a killing game w/ the v3 remnants to cause a bigger wave of despair, on herself & toward junko enoshima )

 -- K1-B0 / ultimate robot a creation of ??? or for tsumugi in order to maintain the killing games she broadcasts / acts as her monokuma in keeping guard of the game & assuring no players break rules, as well as doing his thing of maintaining the public’s suggestions as to what to do with the players otherwise  -- gonta gokuhara / ultimate entomologist I’m not actually sure what his whole shtick is BUT he’s smarter than he lets on as a despair, or at the very least ??? semi-skilled through his rich & fancy family history, he’s able to attend events of high-status & meet with officials & people who have word of mouth in towa through his seeming lack of intelligence, which people find charming, he’s able to slip through certain cracks & dismantle businesses from the inside & claim he has no idea / it was an accident & get away with it until the tragedy in which he just goes thorough apeshit

 -- kokichi oma / ultimate supreme leader continues kind of doing what he was doing already, pulling pranks with the members of DICE, except now the pranks are a LOT more violent & if any of the DICE members don’t comply, kokichi will threaten them into submission so the entire organization is run beneath fear of blackmail & death & they wreak more havoc across the place, all while oma thrives on the despair

he’s also a devout of junko enoshima & her whole thing because ‘ that’s SOOOO not boring !!!! ‘

 -- kirumi tojo / ultimate maid the personal right-hand man of junko enoshima, performing ANY tasks she wishes, typically tedious & just waiting on her hand & foot, but she takes advantage & often goes out to assure her despairs are doing as they should & that everything is going according to plan, or carrying out demands herself & getting them done

this is post-being a prime minister, which went about as glorious as you can imagine after being converted into an ultimate despair SO THAT PLACE WENT DOWN QUICKLY, & afterward, kirumi went to go serve under junko happily

&& THOSE WERE THE MAIN IDEAS BUT I’M STILL THINKING UP ONES FOR TENKO & HIMIKO & RANTARO & ALL THE ONES I DIDN’T MENTION SO FAR SO I’LL UPDATE THIS POST WHEN I THINK OF ALL THOSE

[transmalewife]

Alright, let's talk about attachment

I can’t find clear information on when exactly the non-attachment rule was added to the code. It was either soon before or soon after the great sith war. Either way, for the VAST majority of the existence of the Jedi, it wasn’t a thing. Jedi got married and had families for over 20000 years, then added the non-attachment rule, which ultimately led to their destruction. And before anyone tries to tell me I believe they deserved to be genocided, I don’t. I have never actually seen anyone say that, but I see people argue against it constantly, and imply anyone who doesn’t think the Jedi were perfect and blameless thinks that. I don’t think they deserved to die, I think they needed to change. And Yoda says that himself, many times. The Jedi weren’t prepared for the return of the sith, or the war. They had separated from the military 1000 years before, and the galaxy was in relative peace all this time, so the order’s role changed to one that worked very well with their rules. Detachment meant they could be impartial when overseeing political disagreements, lack of possessions meant they would be focused on the mission at hand and not prone to taking bribes, and distancing themselves from the general population meant they were more or less uniform, and could be trusted not to side with someone for personal reasons.

All of this falls apart once they become an army again. Impartiality is a flaw when they have to defend one side at all cost and not even allow themselves to consider compromise. Lack of possessions and attachment to people means they are prone to taking unnecessary risks, because they have nothing to lose, and do things like send 14 year olds into battle, thinking of the “greater good” over the safety of children. And the order being a monolith, with set rules and philosophy distinct from the rest of the population meant the Jedi trusted Dooku long after they should have stopped, because he used to be a Jedi after all, surely he still follows the code.

Now, I am not saying non-attachment is always bad, I think it served a very specific purpose in the order, and to some extent worked for many years. However.

Humans are a social species. Human babies NEED physical contact and affection to develop physically. Children need a stable, strong, and supportive relationship to their caregiver to properly develop psychologically. And after last year I don’t think anyone will argue that adults don't need connection with other people just as much. And not just shallow interactions, but open affection and love. Love of any kind, because claiming that the Jedi only forbid romantic love is just untrue. I think people tend to forget that "Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a Jedi's life. So you might say, that we are encouraged to love." isn’t the actual doctrine, it’s a literal pick up line that Anakin uses on Padme.

Ahsoka and Obi-Wan both get criticized by other Jedi for their entirely platonic attachment to Anakin, and vice versa. Now, humans are the most common species in the galaxy, and in the Jedi order. Many other species are near-human, so it’s safe to assume at least some, if not most of them also need that companionship and affection to develop and live happy and stable lives. I do believe that non-attachment is a valid philosophy and chosen path in life if done carefully and within reason, I just don’t think we have a single major character that actually applies to. And chosen is an important word here. Jedi don’t get much of a choice. I’m not trying to start the baby-stealing debate here. I hear the argument of ‘force sensitives are dangerous if left untrained, and said training should start as early as possible’. I think finding a way to deal with that problem was an insanely complicated decision, and taking children into the temple as young as possible is not a bad solution. I don’t entirely agree with not letting them see their families later, (especially since in legends Obi-Wan was allowed to visit his family, which implies Anakin couldn’t go free his mother specifically because he was already too attached), but the idea is sound. I do also understand that no one is forcing Jedi to stay in the order and they can leave for whatever reason at any time. But that isn’t exactly a free choice either. Leaving the order means leaving the only home you remember, the only people you know to make your own way in the galaxy, and staying with those people means you can never fully love them. It’s a difficult solution to a complicated question, and for the most part, it worked (not always, and not exactly as intended, but I’ll come back to that.) Children grew up in the order, were trained to control themselves and the force, and became Jedi who were impartial, patient, and balanced. But everything falls apart when you introduce someone who wasn’t raised in the temple.

In The Rising Force, 13 year old Obi-Wan had barely been off Coruscant in his life. He describes himself as sheltered and unaware of all the pain in the galaxy, and says it was done on purpose, so younglings wouldn’t have to face the dark side before they were ready for it. But Anakin had seen nothing but darkness, pain and injustice before he joined the order. He was severely traumatized, and while the temple might have had some ways of dealing with trauma and PTSD in adults, they had no experience in treating the same in a child, because their children were kept safe and protected. The idea of letting go of your pain and fear only works if you know you have a safe place to come back to, if you’ve spent the first decade or so of your life in the most protected place in the galaxy. Anakin spent the first decade of his life as a slave. He couldn’t let go of his fear, because fear was what kept him alive. Fear is not irrational if you are constantly in danger, it’s what protects you, keeps you aware of the limits you can push before you get punished. And that mindset doesn’t fade just because you’re out of that situation, especially if your only family, the closest person to you, is still facing that danger every day.

I’ve seen people use every excuse possible to explain why Anakin didn’t see his mother again to avoid blaming the council, including, and I shit you not, “He just didn’t have her comm number”. But to me that seems disingenuous, when we see in his first meeting with the council that they already consider him too attached. It's one of the main reasons they don’t want him to be trained, so it seems logical that they wouldn’t allow him to see her once he became a padawan. I also want to mention that what Yoda says, “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” Is just… blatant catastrophizing. Right? Like we can all see that the escalation is not rational there at all. Maybe it could apply to something else, but not to a child who just left his mother for the first time in his life and went from a tiny dustball in the middle of nowhere to the most populated planet in the galaxy, and is now being tested by a bunch of old people with the power to decide his future. Obviously he’s afraid, and obviously he’s not dealing with it the way Jedi younglings do. That, in and of itself doesn't doom him to fall. Also what Yoda misses there is that suffering leads to fear. This is a closed loop, and one that has defined Anakin’s entire childhood.

Let’s come back to how the system doesn’t always work. The way I see it, most of the characters we see are attached. Obi-Wan is considered one of the greatest Jedi of his time. Windu describes him as “our most cunning and insightful Master—and our most tenacious”. And yet, he was not insightful enough to look past his love for Anakin, his attachment, and see how close to falling he was. Ahsoka was so attached to Anakin she refused to listen to Maul on Mandalore, refused to even consider the posibility he could fall. She was arguably the person with the best shot at preventing the empire forming at that point, and she loved anakin so much she doomed him and the entire galaxy. Aayla admitted to thinking of Quinlan as her father, and also, apparently in legends had a long relationship with Kit. Even Mace didn’t follow the code when he decided to kill Palpatine, which directly led to his death and the empire. He also indirectly caused the war to start. According to wookiepedia “Windu viewed Dooku as the shatterpoint of the entire Separatist movement, which meant striking Dooku down would theoretically end the imminent clone war before it even began. However, Windu's prior attachments to Dooku clouded his judgment.” I’m not even going to mention Kanan and Ezra, who are obviously family.

So basically everyone is attached and lying about it. How has no one thought that maybe this isn’t the healthiest way to live and tried to change the code? Well, I have a theory, and it’s Yoda. He was 900 years old when he died, and was on the council for the vast majority of his life. I can’t find when exactly he became grand master, but it’s safe to assume he held some degree of power over the entire order for most of a millennium. At the end of TPM he tells Obi-Wan “Confer on you the level of Jedi knight, the council does. But agree with your taking this boy as your padawan learner, I do not.” Then he reverses that decision by himself. So either he has the power to veto the council’s word, or who gets trained is entirely up to him. Either way, not great, considering his lifespan is so much longer than most Jedi, and therefore his approach to life is vastly different. Humans need love and closeness to live. However, while we don’t know much about Yoda’s species, it probably isn’t a social one. You could count all the characters of this species on two (human) hands, and Yoda lived in complete isolation for 20 years on Dagobah, and only went a little bit insane. They are naturally rare, and therefore probably lead solitary lives in nature. Moreover, Yoda outlived every master who trained him, and almost every padawan he trained himself, (there’s a great post about that here) so even if he wasn’t naturally predisposed to non-attachment, he would have had to learn it to deal with all the loss he had to live through over the years.

A lot of people think that Anakin fell because he had attachments, which is not true. He fell because of how his attachments played out and/or ended. The most obvious example being Palpatine, who used Anakin’s trust and friendship to groom him for over a decade and actively undermine Anakin’s trust towards anyone else, especially the order. (more on that here). Obi-Wan refused to take on the role of a father figure that Anakin tried to shove him into, so he turned to someone who did accept it. It’s not Anakin’s fault that it turned out to be the worst person alive, nor can we expect him to notice when he’s known Palpatine since he was a child. Another failure of jedi non-attachment, because a loving parent or guardian would not let their child be used as a bargaining chip when the most powerful politician in the galaxy blackmailed the order into allowing him to meet Anakin regularly, but a distant teacher and detached knight thinking of the greater good might. The other attachments Anakin had were taken from him (Shmi and Ahsoka, the last orchestrated by Palpatine who was fully ready to give her the death penalty to make Anakin more unstable), or he was forced to lie and hide them, compromising his vows as a Jedi (Padme) or refused to choose Anakin over the order/their principles (Obi-Wan, and again Ahsoka, and to some extent Padme, but he’d already fallen then). All these people had every right to make the choices they made, but it wasn’t the act of loving them that made Anakin turn to the dark side, it was how those attachments played out.

I think everyone agrees that Yoda is as detached as a Jedi should, if not can, be, and that didn’t prevent Dooku from falling. We see that explored in more detail with Barriss and Luminara. Luminara is detached and distant, she’s fond of Barriss, but their relationship is not familial in the slightest, and she repeatedly shows her willingness to put the greater good and the mission before Barriss’ safety and even life. And yet Barriss still falls. A complex combination of events and choices caused each of those characters to fall, not the simple presence or absence of attachment.

And lastly, just as attachment can make you unstable if your relationship with that person is unstable, it can also make you stronger. There is a reason Anakin and Obi-Wan were the face of the army. Not only did their obvious attachment (the strongest between two jedi we are shown) make them more relatable to the public, but they, when working as a team, are shown repeatedly to be more or less undefeatable. They spend half of aotc flinging themselves off great heights because they know the other will be there to catch them. They know from years of experience that they have backup and they know each other well enough (or force bond communicate) that they can trust the other will be where he needs to be to help/save them. Contrast that to how Windu and Palpatine fight in rots once the window breaks- very carefully, clearly holding back to keep themselves safe. Neither of them has backup until Anakin arrives, but until the last second they can't be sure which one he will choose. Anakin and Obi-Wan fight the same way on Mustafar, especially when balancing on that thin bridge. No acrobatics, swinging arms to keep balance, keeping their distance, being almost uncharacteristically careful compared to how they treated heights in aotc, in tcw, and on the invisible hand in rots, because they both know the other won't catch them if they fall this time.

[ladylolalilly]

Ask and you shall receive!

I saw the reblog on thelemoncoffee's post about the wheel of fate and I thought I'd pitch in to soothe your curiosity. You're welcome.

I don't know if you want the wheel of fates for THH and SDR2, so for now, voila! DRV3.

Chapter 1 Victim: Ryoma Hoshi, Ultimate Tennis Pro Chapter 1 Blackened: Kirumi Tojo, Ultimate Maid

Very in-character... because this already happened in canon. With the First Blood Perk too, that's a bonus. Makes me wonder if Kirumi's gonna be a more important character now that "she made it back to the outside world." (spoilers: she died). Maybe this case'll pop up again in Trial 6 or something to clue em in?

Chapter 2 Victim: Korekiyo Shinguji, Ultimate Anthropologist Chapter 2 Blackened: Gonta Gokuhara, Ultimate Entomologist

Now this... I'm assuming Gonta got his hands on Shinguji's motive video. What could possibly be part of his video, I have no clue. But I'm assuming it reveals the fact that he's a serial killer of women. Gonta goes Chapter 4 upon learning that. We all know how that ends.

Chapter 3 First Victim: Miu Iruma, Ultimate Inventor Chapter 3 Second Victim: Kaede Akamatsu, Ultimate Pianist Chapter 3 Blackened: Maki Harukawa, Ultimate "Child Caregiver" (Assassin)

OhoHO. With the motive being the Necronomicon, this is actually pretty fitting, given Maki was trained to be an assassin as a part of a cult that hid behind religion. This'll require some twisting of character, but perhaps Maki, instead of ignoring it, came to listen to the cult. She genuinely believes in the god the cult came up with, and thus things like the Necronomicon, making her a bit. Crazier than canon. Don't know who she wanted to raise from the dead and why or why she chose a double murder or why it was these two specifically though.

Chapter 4 Victim: Tenko Chabashira, Ultimate Aikido Master Chapter 4 Blackened: Kaito Momota, Ultimate Astronaut

Nekomaru vs Gundham vibes tbh. Since Angie's still alive, I can see her and Ouma being at odds with each other a lot. I say this because it's definitely connected, this is literally two of their biggest haters.

Chapter 5 Victim: Angie Yonaga, Ultimate Artist Chapter 5 Blackened: Himiko Yumeno, Ultimate Magician

Also because of this. The traffic lights trio get a hell of a lot more screen time here huh. I see people be disappointed that Angie never got character development, but it seems here she just went on a downward spiral. Himiko might've been dragged down with her unfortunately, acting as obsessive towards Angie the same way Tenko acts towards her, if not more, depending on how messed up you wanna take this. As a Yonameno shipper, ouch. But also Himiko as the Chapter 5 blackened imo is just chefs kiss and wow Angie really did take over Ouma's role as antag huh. Or maybe they're both main antags and we just have two.

Chapter 6 Mastermind: Shuichi Saihara, Ultimate Detective Chapter 6 Sacrifice: Tsumugi Shirogane, Ultimate Cosplayer

Ah yes. The classic mastermind that 95% of the DRV3 fandom wished for and never got. This is where shit gets real funky considering the amount of sheer AUs out there, but for the sake of simplicity let's just stick to the idea that this is a TV show and they all signed up for it among other stuff. Tsumugi as the sacrifice... well, if she and Rantaro had a good relationship throughout and she acted as his support, oh boy that's kinda depressing. But if she was like. The third rival (jfc so many ANTAGS in this game) cuz this is Tsumugi we're talking about, she definitely played traitor and just wants to get to the 54th killing game already.

Survivors: •K1-B0, Ultimate Robot •Kokichi Ouma, Ultimate Supreme Leader •Rantaro Amami, Ultimate ??? (Adventurer/Survivor)

This trio... ok so Ouma actually gets to face what he's done instead of dying. That's pretty nice. Kiibo survives like he was supposed to in canon goddammit. Amami'll finally reach his full potential, bless. As the Ultimate Survivor, I really do wonder whether he'll ever remember his past games or not... Who knows, maybe he was a graduate blackened in a past game and antag Tsumugi/Saihara spilled those beans to stir shit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

And that's a wrap! I know I came out of nowhere, but I was ready to rant about this as much as you were begging to know more. I gladly took the chance. Try for the opportunity.

Oh wow, this is neat! For Maki’s chapter, maybe she targeted Miu due to personal dislike, but Kaede walked in on her with the body, so she had to kill her to keep her quiet?

(And I would actually like the THH and SDR2 wheels of fate, I was curious about those too.)

[trainwreck-in-glitter]

A PSA ON MY PERSONAL JULES VAUGHN OPINION:

Since everyone in the euphoria fandom seems to have differing sometimes extreme views on Jules (particularly her affect on Rue’s mental health, as well as her messy feelings around both Rue and Anna). I thought I’d make a bb thread on my take of what we’ve seen of Jules this season. Keep reading for some spoliers.

Jules & The War With Conquering Femininity

since episode one jules entered as a very dynamic character, everything from her distinguished wardrobe gives her an almost commanding presence despite the innate softness she carries. Nate himself deciding to corner her publicly at a party explicitly saying “nobody that looks like you is minding their own fucking business” while getting up in her face. Jules grabs a kitchen knife before threatening Nate asking “do you want to fucking hurt me?” before she cuts her arm and holds it up almost like a flag? and declares “she’s fucking invincible.” with Nates fathers tapes at home, Nate has grown up with all the values of toxic masculinity engraved in him since birth, which definitely showed itself when he threatened to have her done for child pornography not long after cat fishing her all because she rejected him (MADDY S2 GIRL PLEASE)

Jules was initially falling for Nate as he catfished her, and one night getting particularly intoxicated she hallucinates Nate and her having violent sex with him in which she is in charge. This counters all of her assumed very concerning risqué hookups with older men, in which she is usually more submissive. In one episode she states “it’s like if I can conquer men I can conquer feminity.” Being sent to mental hospital temporarily at a young age for self harm and severe depression likely linked to her experiences of gender dysphoria before and after transitioning, it makes sense that through these unsafe hookups Jules is getting affirmation about her place in the world and in her own body when you take this into account. This also seems to put a hurdle in the road when it comes to her exploring her own queerness, which she begins to do at later episodes particularly one sexual experience with Anna in which she hallucinates Rue a fair portion of the time even saying “you remind me of my best friend” before they hooked up.

Rules relationship/mental health

Rue and Jules met after the initial party at you guessed it (another party, y’all I swear euphoria teens get out way more often then actual humans right? maybe I’m just sad-). Rue patched up Jules’ wound and they got high together , their faces covered in glitter and they dreamily gaze at each other in a tent. They are every arm linked never one without the other best friend pair in a matter of days, Rue herself becoming noticeably jealous when Jules was still invested in ‘Tyler’ the false persona Nate crafted in order to attract Jules online who to him is the ideal example of feminity according to his psychotic lengthy checklist (see below).

After nearly seeing Rue overdose on fentanyl Jules is noticeably distraught and just manages to croak out that she’s “experienced enough traumatic shit in her life.” and “isn’t trying to be best friends with someone who’s trying to kill themself”. she tells Rue she doesn’t want to be around her unless she stops using, and Rue agrees too quickly for an addict. Too desperately, so much so that her attachment to Jules is even compared to her addiction Rue saying “nothing on planet earth comes close to fentanyl, except Jules.” who is apparently a ‘close second’. and then they’re everywhere in smudged liquid liner on bikes, tucking each other’s hair behind their ears and coyly smiling while gays everywhere crow and wonder if they’re truly just friends.

poor mental health in general can make even small tasks or everyday life things feel like an overstimulation, Jules and Rue separately have and still do bear the weight of repressed sexuality/gender expression, addiction issues, manic and depressive episodes, self harm and more. when you add things like catfishing, toxic masculinity, teenage insecurity and puppy dog eye teen love feelings often get heightened and any negative experience can be rapidly blown out of proportion. It’s no secret euphoria is a show of extremes, as are all teenagers especially those struggling outside of growing up already. when rue gets caught up in a moment and kisses Jules who seems unsure how to respond, she finds herself moments later pounding her dealers door begging for anything to take her mind off of the present moment. Jules also finds herself getting uncharacteristically drunk on the Halloween episode at a party, just after dodging rues second attempt of a kiss. While intoxicated she kisses rue underwater, leaving rue confused and feeling completely used. It’s entirely possible Jules needed liquid courage to actually take the plunge, remember she isn’t used to any kind of equal relationship.

they finally mutually kiss sober in collapse of sliding memories of the early friendship, most of which they are intertwined in bed. they both frequently tell each other that they look “fucking amazing” and even get matching lip tattoos of enneagram of their names ‘rules’. To me Rue seems like every textbook teenager smitten, on edge and bashful around Jules seen when she asks her for dinner per her mums requests. They are everything we feel and see and experience in school hallways and night streets and body odour reeking school cafeterias, the innocent lack of subtlety and pure comfort. however they come with a side mix of intoxication, mental illness, personal identity issues and themes of codependency (per the rues sobriety ultimatum and rues repition of affirming “Jules is the best thing that’s happened to her in so long”.

with Lexi and others frequently commenting and or that alluding that Jules is responsible for Rue’s sobriety, Jules starts to visibly panic. her eyeliner becomes harsher and more ethereal yet at the same time more cutting around the time she starts to push herself away from Rue (a decision said to be deliberate by the makeup artist). Rue asks to go home with her one night to which Jules hesitantly agrees instead of declining, from Jules’ perspective it’s abundantly clear she’s feeling the pressure of keeping her ¿girlfriend'¿ alive. that impending guilt she’s feeling because she knows inevitably she will likely hurt rue somehow whether they drift apart, etc to me it’s clear she’s ready to run away from her unsaid role of caregiver.

rue asks Jules if she wants to just pack up and leave and live in the city with her soon after she confesses to being in love with both Anna and her. Whether this was an impulsive attempt at getting ins first by rue or just a testament of how much Jules’ could dictate her life. Rue begins having second thoughts and Jules ends up tearfully leaving on the train without her. so why the fuck did she leave then? the pressure? the crazy ass town? the love she didn’t want to fuck up? or did she just want someone who would get on the train for her? many questions, probably more than one answer. this scene aside jules remains my favourite, and I’m still needing a hug from her 🥺

Conclusion of S1 Jules Vaughn =

I personally believe Rue gets more understanding for her complex character as opposed to Jules, who actively struggled with her gender expression and navogating her own likes and needs while trying to engage in an intense level relationship with somebody who has self destructive tendencies has made some mistakes in said relationship. Similarly so has rue, because it’s too fucking easy to accidentally cross toxic borders in relationships. I believe that if pray hope Jules returns from the city it’s in an extended time, when both her and rue have had the hours and minutes they need to grow and understand their own afflictions more. Ultimately Jules is just trying to decipher her own feelings for rue still, the hookup with Anna was all part of addressing that. Ultimately Jules is still trying to decipher her feelings, but for me she’s the most relatable three dimensional character to be shown on television. perfectly capturing the beautiful messiness in maturing, and the naivety in love and heartbreak.

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 4.4

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time, Kokichi and Miu were selfishly withholding the weapons that could get everyone out of here in a heartbeat, Kaito was still trying to understand Kokichi and made an unsuccessful attempt to communicate with him using his fists, Himiko took Tenko’s final words to heart even more, and Gonta continued to be really heartbreakingly desperate to save everyone or be at least a tiny bit useful, but maybe we managed to soften that a little by finishing his FTEs and becoming such good friends with him.

Now, it’s nighttime, and we all know what that means.

Shuichi:  (Alright, time to go to training. Kaito and Maki should be in the courtyard.)

It’s time for more adorable friendship!

When Shuichi arrives there, Kaito is wincing in pain.

Shuichi:  “Kaito? What’s wrong? Do you have to go to the bathroom again?”

This is an even clearer indication that Shuichi really knew yesterday that Kaito’s bathroom trip wasn’t for the usual reason. If it was, then there’d be no reason to assume that he’d need to go again right now, especially not upon seeing him apparently in pain. Shuichi absolutely knows something’s not right and just doesn’t want to think about it too hard.

Kaito:  “…”

Interestingly, Kaito doesn’t immediately reassure Shuichi that he’s totally fine. Perhaps he knows that there’s no way he’s going to be able to exercise at all tonight and is worrying about how to get around that while raising the least suspicion and showing the least weakness to his sidekicks.

Maki:  “He’s been like this, because of what happened.”

I’m not sure why Maki says this, which seems to be implying it has something to do with Kaito punching Kokichi this morning, since that’s the only notable thing that happened recently. It should be pretty clear this has nothing to do with that, Maki? This is probably awkward localisation, but I’m not sure of what.

Shuichi:  “What’s wrong? Are you not feeling well?”

Kaito:  “No, I’m fine… My stomach just hurts, is all…”

Look at Kaito confirming that he is, in fact, not feeling well, but still insisting that he’s fine anyway. It’s just a minor thing that only means they should do something other than exercise tonight; it’s definitely not that it’s a serious problem or that it’s getting to him at all, nope, no way.

Kaito:  “How about the three of us just talk?”

Maki:  “Talk…? About what?”

Kaito:  “Stupid! Nobody decides what they talk about before they start!”

I mean, generally when people end up talking about something without having really decided to, it’s because they never even really decided to talk in the first place and it just kind of happened. If you’re going to up and actively suggest talking as a thing to do, it’s usually because you already have a topic in mind. Of course, that’s not why Kaito suggested talking, which is why he has no idea what to talk about.

Shuichi:  (Kaito picked a random spot in the courtyard, and we all sat down.)

Kaito:  “… So what are we gonna talk about?”

Shuichi:  “Didn’t you just say we didn’t have to decide that?”

Kaito:  “C’mon man, that was… just a joke.”

Yup, turns out that if you actively decide to talk, you kind of do need to decide on a topic. Good job, Kaito. You’re great at this.

Kaito:  “Let’s talk about Maki.”

And of course, Kaito then turns this into another excuse to help out Maki and encourage her to open up further. (Note that he chooses Maki, not Shuichi. He doesn’t think Shuichi needs that any more.)

Kaito:  “For example… what blood type do you like?”

Maki:  “What blood type do I like? Don’t you mean… what’s my blood type?”

Kaito:  “Hm? Did I say something weird? Well, whatever! Ahahahahaha!

Maki:  “…”

Shuichi:  “Kaito… you’re kind of bad at this…”

He really is. Kaito is actually just a huge ridiculous awkward goof at anything approaching normal down-to-earth interactions and it’s adorable.

Shuichi:  “Well, I *have* been meaning to ask… When we first met, you said you were the Ultimate Child Caregiver. Why was that?”

Kaito:  “Shuichi, that’s way too direct! You can’t just cut to the chase like that!”

Kind of an indication here that Kaito did eventually intend for this conversation to turn into Maki talking about her issues with them, but he didn’t want to be obvious about that, perhaps because he was worried she still wouldn’t want to open up if he approached it that way. Hence him trying to dance around it with awkward small talk that he’s terrible at.

Kaito:  “Alright then! Let’s play it safe and ask about her favorite spaceship—”

KAITO IS SUCH A DORK. I love that he apparently considers this a go-to conversation starter, because obviously everyone has a favourite spaceship, right?

But of course, Maki, being oblivious to social awkwardness, isn’t bothered by Shuichi’s forwardness and just starts answering his question anyway. She is ready to open up!

The BGM piece that starts playing as Maki starts telling her story is a melancholy one called Heartless Journey, which is the Japanese title of chapter 5, meaning it’s nominally chapter 5’s theme. This isn’t the first time it’s been heard, and some of the previous times included moments in chapter 3’s training scenes that were centred on Maki, so perhaps this is partially a Maki-related theme. That’s probably not a coincidence, considering the large role she plays in chapter 5.

Maki:  “For some reason… kids like me. But I’m not particularly fond of taking care of them.”

Kaito:  “Maybe that suits you better than being an assassin.”

Maki:  “It’s not a matter of whether it suits me or not. I never had the right to choose from the start.”

She’s admitted it! She’s finally, explicitly admitted that she never chose this for herself.

Kaito definitely always knew this from the start, so him suggesting that it’s about what “suits” her isn’t him obliviously assuming that she ever thought being an assassin suited her. I imagine that he instead says this because he’s already thinking a few steps past the part where Maki admits she never wanted this and is trying to encourage her to start thinking about what she does want, to which obviously being a child caregiver would be a more appealing choice than killing people.

Maki:  “When I was around 10 years old, these strangers started visiting the orphanage…”

SHE WAS TEN WHEN THEY FORCED HER INTO THIS. God, that is so fucked up.

Maki:  “I didn’t want to go, but I heard they would donate a huge sum of money if I did… I remember thinking that I had to go.”

This is a misleading way of putting it that’s going to be corrected by something she says in just a little bit. It’s not remotely that she wanted those kids to be able to live in the lap of luxury.

Maki:  “I think I had some natural talent to begin with, but I worked incredibly hard as well.”

I appreciate that this Danganronpa universe (even if I’m talking about the in-universe universe here, since their talents are technically not real), actually tries to have characters whose talents were mostly earned through effort. Kaede was the biggest example of that, but she’s not the only one. The Hope’s Peak universe having a thing about how (most) talents are basically just superpowers that someone is born with and never did anything to earn really kind of bugged me.

Maki:  “If I couldn’t keep up as an assassin, the orphanage would no longer receive funding.”

This is the real truth of it. A later FTE of hers will make it explicit that the assassin cult was the only source of money for the orphanage. If she didn’t do this, those kids would be left homeless and starving. She had no remotely reasonable choice in the matter, especially not since she was ten.

Maki really is the Ultimate Child Caregiver after all. Not because of how good she is at taking care of those kids, but because of how much she was willing to sacrifice for them.

Maki:  “But after vomiting and crying over and over again, my heart gradually became empty. Eventually… I got used to it. It was the same after my first job. For a while, I couldn’t eat or sleep. But after doing this for such a long time, I felt numb.”

So, really, all the hellish training didn’t make her heart “empty” at all. If she truly had no heart after the training, her first kill wouldn’t have affected her like that. All she was really learning to do was suppress her pain more and more – but when she started dealing with a different kind of pain, she had to learn how to suppress that pain from scratch too.

Maki:  “There were times I wondered why I had to kill these strangers… But I eventually stopped thinking about that.”

Because wondering why makes their deaths seem unfair and unnecessary, and if she doesn’t think about that then it doesn’t hurt as much.

Maki:  “I adapted to the lifestyle… of killing people… of stealing their lives… And… of being a horrible person.”

Guh, she’s so blunt about hating herself. But still, the fact that she’s even admitting that she hates herself is a huge step forward. You’re getting there, Maki Roll.

Maki:  “What would I have been like if I stayed at the orphanage? I still think about that… all the time.”

The real reason she thinks this all the time has to be that she’s secretly still wishing she could have stayed at the orphanage and had a normal life. But she can’t properly admit that to herself, because the only way she’s been able to cope with this is by accepting it as her reality and resigning herself to it.

Shuichi:  (Maki sighed deeply after baring her soul.)

Maki:  “…That’s all. It wasn’t an interesting story to listen to, was it?”

Maki. Gah. The way she keeps being so dismissive about her own suffering like it’s the most boring and trivial thing out there is heartbreaking. Of course it makes sense that this is how she’s coping, but still.

Shuichi:  “���Interesting’? No, Maki, that was… The burden you’ve been carrying all this—”

Aww, Shuichi, trying to tell Maki that her burdens matter. If only he knew…

Kaito:  “Geez. You’re carrying way too many burdens for someone so small.”

…just how excruciatingly hypocritical Kaito is being about how much his burdens matter right now.

(But Kaito says that Maki is too “small” for her burdens. That’s not the case with him, right? He’s a big, inspiring hero, so he’s supposed to be able to deal with his burdens all on his own, isn’t he?)

Kaito:  “Well, I could say the same to Shuichi…”

Can you, Kaito? Are you sure Shuichi isn’t big enough and strong enough by now to carry his own burdens all by himself? Are you sure he still needs your help with them?

(Shuichi does. But.)

Kaito:  “Don’t try to shoulder everything on your own. You gotta trust other people.”

This brings up a contrast between Maki and Shuichi. Maki never shared her burdens with anyone until recently because she didn’t trust anyone. Shuichi was already trusting enough that he was looking for someone to help him carry his burdens from the beginning, leading him to get so attached to Kaede and then Kaito so quickly.

But also, what Kaito is unintentionally saying with this is that… he doesn’t trust his sidekicks, if he’s not willing to share his burdens with them? And as inconceivable for Kaito as that sounds, it is true, in a way – he doesn’t trust that they would still have faith in him and depend on him if they knew what he was struggling with. Why would they want to share their burdens with someone who can’t carry his own?

Kaito:  “Once you’re able to share your burdens with your friends, then you’ll be stronger.”

And now Kaito’s unintentionally implying that by not sharing his own burdens, he doesn’t even want to become stronger. And in a way… that’s kind of true too. He wants to be strong, but he doesn’t want to have to go through the process of getting stronger, not in front of his sidekicks. He has to be strong right now, or they won’t be able to rely on him.

Kaito:  “Well, if Maki Roll was able to talk this much, it means she’s gotten a bit stronger already.”

Maki:  “…It might be thanks to the training.”

All of his own issues aside, though, of course Kaito is proud of Maki for coming this far, and Maki finally somewhat admitting that it’s thanks to Kaito’s help is adorable. That probably means a lot more to him than he’s letting on.

Kaito:  “Well, obviously! My training’s based on a systematic method!”

Shuichi:  “That’s… kind of vague.”

Yes. The most systematicest of methods. You definitely know exactly what you’re doing, Kaito. Shuichi is totally convinced.

It is maybe notable the way that Kaito responds to Maki finally admitting that he’s helped her by being ridiculous and over-the-top instead of just sincerely accepting her thanks. Like he still doesn’t think this is enough, and he needs to do even more for her and be that invincible luminary he constantly tries to be.

Shuichi:  (We spent a long while talking about whatever came to our minds. Most of it was meaningless conversation, but…)

(did Kaito find an excuse to talk about his favourite spaceship after all)

Shuichi:  (It might have been the first time I was able to actually have fun and forget this place.)

THEY’RE FRIENDS. Friendship is exactly what you need to help you cope with an awful situation like this. I love these three so much.

Look at how adorable they are. Even Maki is smiling.

Shuichi:  (To protect my friends… I need to reveal the truth of this academy. I need to face the truth and reveal it to the world. I have to… to keep my friends alive.)

As lovely as it is that Shuichi is so determined to protect them… he doesn’t necessarily need to find the truth of this academy to do so. All they need to do is escape. Especially in Kaito’s case, since he’s dying and what he really needs the most right now is to get to a hospital A-fucking-S-A-P. If Shuichi knew that, then that would almost certainly spur him to forget about finding the truth per se and just focus on coming up with a plan to get them out of there as fast as he can.

What I’m getting at is: Kaito’s stubborn, idiotically selfless insistence on carrying his burdens all by himself is literally the reason he dies.

(His illness is not incurable, since it’s not really a mysterious space virus from a meteorite at all. It was given to him by Team Danganronpa, and not only would they have needed to vaccinate the rest of the cast so that nobody caught it off him (since everyone else is supposed to be immune), they also wouldn’t have wanted to risk him giving a deadly incurable disease to a “real person” on the production staff. They’d have made sure to pick a virus that medical science knows plenty about how to deal with. They could totally step in and save Kaito any time they wanted and are choosing not to because his impending death is making an entertaining story.)

Meanwhile, Kokichi is plotting with Monokuma.

Kokichi:  “This fun and vicious killing game is the only thing on my mind!”

Technically, that’s not a lie. He may hate it, but he very much has become single-mindedly obsessed with “winning” it on his terms, which is exactly why he’s about to launch into this needlessly convoluted plan which will cause multiple unnecessary deaths instead of just ditching the killing game altogether and helping everyone escape right now.

Monokuma:  “With that said, you’re not even gonna try and use that motive?”

What were you expecting him to do with it, Monokuma? I mean, as it turns out, he is planning to use that motive to incite a murder, which is exactly why he’s asking for Monokuma’s help here, but if he hadn’t done this then I have no idea how else Monokuma was expecting him to use the knowledge of the supposedly-dead outside world to kill anyone.

Kokichi:  “Ah-haha, you don’t get it… A crazy motive like this should be used in a more… dramatic way, no?”

This here is Kokichi basically saying “the story you were trying to write for this chapter sucks; let me write you a better one”. ‘Cause, I mean, he’s right.

And by doing that he’s just playing right into Monokuma’s hands, good fucking job Kokichi, I thought the goal of your plan was to anger him, not make him happy. He may be telling himself he’s only co-operating with Monokuma temporarily for the sake of his plan, but in doing so he’s still co-operating with Monokuma and giving him exactly what he wants. Kokichi knows by now that this is all fiction and that therefore Monokuma’s main goal must be to make the most exciting story he can manage, and yet he’s doing this anyway. This is the first reason of several that his plan is actually kind of terrible.

Monokuma:  “You can trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. It’s the honest ones you wanna watch out for…”

Meanwhile, here’s a rare Monokuma Theater that’s meaningful for a reason other than breaking the in-universe fourth wall. Since this is the last Monokuma Theater before Gonta becomes a murderer, I’m pretty sure it’s talking about him.

Monokuma:  “Cuz you can never predict when they’re gonna do something… incredibly stupid.”

Like try to mercy-kill everyone because they’ve been tricked into genuinely believing it’s the only way to save them from despair. Yeah, that kind of thing does rather creep up on you without warning from those honest people, doesn’t it.

Monokuma:  “By the way, the recent trend of encouraging honesty is actually a lie. You see, it’d better for liars if there are more honest people in the world to deceive.”

Exactly. It’s talking about precisely the kind of honest person that Gonta is – someone who’s so honest that it never occurs to them that other people aren’t, which is why he’s so tragically gullible.

Monokuma:  “They’ve been lying about that trend so there can be more stupid honest people.”

Not that Kokichi is responsible for Gonta being gullibly honest here, but man, I absolutely wouldn’t put it past him to do that kind of thing in another situation to get himself more people to take advantage of like he does with Gonta.

The next morning, before heading out of the dorms, I examined Kaito and Maki’s doors.

Shuichi:  (Last night was really fun… Spending time with Kaito and Maki was strange… in a good way. Perhaps all thanks to Kaito’s ridiculousness.)

Did you know they’re friends! And it’s also great that he emphasises that it’s Kaito’s ridiculousness that brought this about. Not his strength, not him being a hero like he keeps trying to be – just him being the ridiculous dork that he is.

Shuichi:  (I wonder if Maki had fun that night too… No, I’m positive she did. Because I’ve never seen Maki’s face so calm before.)

Maki was happy as well! I like how Shuichi is aware of this because of how calm she looked – usually Maki’s constantly guarded and has all kinds of mental walls up to protect herself, but around the two of them, she feels safe and able to just be herself without being afraid of what they’ll think of her.

On the way to the dining hall, there is a Kaito! This is actually the only time we ever bump into him in the morning like this. I guess usually he just heads straight to the dining hall to set a good example for meeting up, but today he’s got something on his mind.

Kaito:  “Like I said before, my training is based on a systematic method.”

Yes, and we all definitely believed you when you said that.

Kaito:  “Even if I don’t need it myself, in order for you two to grow…”

Of course Kaito doesn’t need any extra training, right. He’s totally fine and already strong enough and doesn’t have any worries at all.

Kaito:  “I feel like we should add something like martial arts or some kind of mental training…”

I’m really not sure how necessary this is, when last night’s “training” being just sitting around and chatting like normal friends probably helped more than anything else has. I think this is less about extra training being genuinely needed, and more about Kaito trying to show that his sidekicks still need him, that he can still help them out and make a difference by training them like this.

I mentioned before that I really love both of the bonus scenes in this chapter, but one thing that’s especially fun about them is that they’re essentially parallels of each other. The first one was nominally about Himiko’s growth, but was also about Gonta being desperate to be useful in even the slightest way. This one is going to be nominally about Maki’s growth – but it’s also about Kaito being desperate to be useful too.

Another point of note is that Kaito clearly hadn’t thought of this during their hangout yesterday evening or he’d have suggested it then, so he must have been thinking about it at some point during the night. Meaning… he probably hasn’t been able to get much sleep, has he. And of course Kaito would take his mind off his own sleeplessness and the reasons for it by thinking about how best to keep helping his sidekicks.

Kaito:  “Alright! Let’s not wait till night! We’re gonna do this special training as soon as possible!”

Which is really because, A, this is a bonus scene and those don’t happen at night, and, B, nighttime is going to be the trip to the Virtual World and the murder. But even so, it’s totally in character for Kaito to want to do this and prove to his sidekicks that he can still help them out as soon as he can.

Miu and Kokichi aren’t at breakfast. Miu is almost certainly working overtime on the computer to set up her murder plot. Kokichi… most likely doesn’t want to give anyone the sense that he’s plotting something too and make people try and talk him out of it before it’s about to happen. Maybe he’s afraid that Kaito really will get through to him if he keeps giving him a reason to keep trying to.

Gonta:  “Gonta still thinking… since yesterday… How can Gonta be useful? But… Gonta no can think of anything! So… frustrating!”

Gontaaaa. Even helping Himiko with her training yesterday (if we pretend that the game’s writing would acknowledge that despite it being an optional scene) wasn’t nearly enough for him.

Kaito:  “Okay, but you don’t need to make such a scary face… Besides… it’s not just you. That’s something we all gotta think about.”

Yes. It really isn’t just Gonta, is it now, Kaito.

Himiko:  “Use your self-destruct system to save us. That’s how robots make themselves useful.”

By the way, why on earth is Himiko such a robophobe? We already put up with enough of Keebo being pointlessly bullied by Kokichi; why did the writers feel the need to have another character who should be much less inclined to do so randomly be an uncalled-for dick to him too? Himiko is otherwise not an unkind person. What the hell.

…That said, this particular line is also maybe foreshadowing, since it is Keebo’s self-destruct which finally blows a hole in the wall. He could almost certainly do it just using his laser gun without sacrificing himself, though.

Tsumugi:  “I’ll… keep thinking about it too. If I come up with a good idea, I’ll tell you guys.”

Yes, Tsumugi, I’m sure you’re trying your absolute hardest to help us.

Kaito:  “Now that that’s settled, let’s eat! If you don’t eat well, you can’t think well!”

I wonder how much food Kaito has actually been able to keep down lately. Probably not much.

Shuichi:  (We were completely unaware… that an unspeakable malice was brewing.)

Hello again, future-Shuichi who ominously knows more than present-Shuichi and is just here to tease us. This is also really not that necessary, since the audience just saw Kokichi plotting with Monokuma and therefore already knows that something big and most likely painful is just around the corner.

Anyway, time to do Kaito’s bonus training with Maki!

A weird thing about the staging of this scene is that for some reason, Kaito is directly behind Maki relative to where Shuichi is standing, meaning that when the camera pans between them, it has to awkwardly zoom in and out through Maki’s sprite. It’s distracting.

Maki is not amused by the fact that the training involves a sword. She tells Kaito (who wasn’t there when she told Shuichi about it before) that she once botched a mission with one.

Kaito:  “Oh, I see…”

Maki:  “Don’t make that face. I know you didn’t mean any harm by it.”

Kaito:  “No, it’s my fault for making you remember something that makes you feel bad.”

Here’s Kaito essentially apologising for this, even though he had no idea it would make her feel bad and could not possibly have made any more of an effort to not do so. Shuichi maybe owes Maki a brief apology, since he’s the one who suggested using the sword to train and should have remembered this, but Kaito has nothing to apologise for. Yet he’s doing it anyway, because he upset his sidekick. There’s that exception to his usual principles again.

Kaito:  “Alright! Tell us about it now! I’ll listen to all of it!”

Naturally, Kaito then turns this around into another excuse to help Maki open up and talk about her problems. And it’s also notable the way he specifies that he’ll listen to it. Look, he’s being helpful to his sidekicks, even if all he’s doing is listening!

Kaito:  “It’s difficult to talk to people about your failures. I get it.”

Yeah, Kaito. You definitely get that, more than most. Heroes aren’t supposed to fail, after all.

Kaito:  “But didn’t I tell you? Being able to share your burdens with others… that’s how you get stronger!”

Kaito is still being a huge hypocrite about this. But I don’t think he’s doing this to deflect from his own burdens and lie to himself that obviously he doesn’t have any. I think he’s perfectly aware of his burdens and just genuinely doesn’t think they matter next to those of his sidekicks, because he’s that idiotically selfless – just like Maki didn’t think her own suffering mattered until very recently. This is the exact problem that he’s helping Maki to overcome and yet somehow manages to not realise also applies to himself – not the accepting that he has burdens, but the acknowledging that he shouldn’t have to deal with his burdens on his own and that it’s okay to ask other people for help.

Kaito:  “Don’t hold on to your past forever! You gotta confront it to move on! And I’m gonna help you with that!”

The real reason Kaito’s saying this has nothing to do with the hypocrisy of it. It’s all so that he can encourage Maki and make a big point of how he’s going to help her with her burdens. She still needs him, right?

To Kaito, the big difference between himself and Maki in terms of their burdens is that Maki has nothing to lose and everything to gain by sharing them. But if Kaito shared his burdens, he’s convinced that it’d make him no longer able to help his sidekicks, something he’s already terrified of thanks to the fact that he’s weak and dying. That’s why he’s starting to get more and more insistent about how much he can help them, to cling to that feeling that he’s so afraid of losing.

Maki:  “…What are you saying? You’re ridiculous.”

I dunno, Maki. Kaito is often ridiculous, but there are a lot of words that could describe his behaviour right now, and “ridiculous” isn’t really one of them.

Maki:  “Anyway, that failure doesn’t bother me anymore.”

Maybe she’s calling him ridiculous because to her, the failure really isn’t a big deal and she’s bewildered at the way Kaito’s acting like it’s some huge difficult burden that she’d even need his help with. Which does kind of serve to show how overzealously unnecessary this endeavour of Kaito’s is.

Maki:  “Just be warned, it’s a boring story.”

Maki, your stories are many things, but they are never boring.

Maki:  “For this particular target, he normally worked late into the night… But when I looked further into his schedule, I found out he was into some nerdy hobbies.”

Kaito:  “Nerdy hobbies? You mean like Tsumugi is?”

Maki:  “Yeah, just like her. He especially liked cosplay.”

Well, isn’t that just a massive coinkydink.

This whole story about Maki’s screwup at a cosplay convention is really just Tsumugi being incredibly self-indulgent when writing her characters’ backstories.

Shuichi:  (Never in a million years would I imagine hearing ‘cosplay’ from Maki’s mouth.)

It’s more likely than you think, Shuichi.

Maki:  “Unfortunately… I had the same height and hairstyle as a popular character, who also carried a katana.”

Hairstyle, sure, but I don’t see why people would think that her having the same height meant she was cosplaying that character. Height is one of the few things a cosplayer can’t hope to match about their subject, short of maybe slight adjustments by wearing platform shoes or something. (And yes, I know Tsumugi can apparently somehow magically change her height to cosplay her characters, but funnily enough most cosplayers aren’t actual fucking shapeshifters.) If Maki commented that it was also her clothes that were similar to the character, that’d make a lot more sense.

Please appreciate how noticeably younger Maki looks here. She was murdering people back when she was, I don’t know, twelve, thirteen? Gah.

There’s also the part where I highly doubt Maki would have been able to get a real katana past the security at a cosplay convention – apparently such things often confiscate even clearly-fake props just in case – buuut since this didn’t really happen and is just Tsumugi being self-indulgent, I can let it slide.

Kaito:  “Hahaha! I was wondering what this ‘serious failure’ of yours was going to be!”

You were the only one acting like it was a “serious” failure that she definitely needed your support with in the first place, Kaito.

Maki:  “Don’t laugh… For me, it was very serious… I was branded as a failure, because of something so stupid. If they didn’t donate to the orphanage anymore… then it would’ve… been the end…”

But maybe it really was more serious to Maki than she was trying to tell herself earlier, now that she’s properly remembered it again. Those assholes in the cult wouldn’t give a fuck about the awkward circumstances and would only see it as her failing to complete her mission.

Kaito:  “Yeah, you’re right… that’s not funny. I’m really sorry for laughing…”

Shuichi:  “Yeah, me too… Sorry for laughing, Maki.”

Aww. They both completely understand after last night how important that orphanage is to her and how much of a big deal this must have been.

(At least Kaito is correct to be apologising here. For once.)

Maki:  “Y-You don’t need to apologize. I’m not mad.”

(Maki turned her head to the side with a pout.)

Hee, pouty Maki Roll. She’s being a person!

Shuichi:  (There’s still so much I don’t know about Maki and Kaito… I hope Maki is right. We can learn more about each other after we get out… No. We will become friends! We will definitely get out of here!)

As adorable as this is, it’s also awkward that Shuichi is talking like they’re not already friends. Of course they are! They’ll just be able to be even better friends when they escape! (Which all three of them are definitely going to be able to do, right. Gaaghjfsghjdfk Kaito you selfless idiot.)

Shuichi:  (After a bout of training with the sword, I returned to my room.)

They did end up training with it after all! Even if Maki doesn’t like using swords on missions, she’s still trained in how to use them, so I’m sure she ended up leading the training session and teaching Shuichi and Kaito a few things. (If Kaito… even actually participated. It’s entirely likely he used his excuse of “I totally don’t need any training” to avoid the truth that he’s just in too much pain to be doing any exercise right now.)

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[Next post]

[nowhere-to-fly-to]

Chapter Five: Eulogy

There’s an expression that has been stuck in my head for the last several days that is causing me some grief. It’s a oxymoron, so it contradicts itself, but that’s not what is bothering me. It’s the fact that it not only describes my siblings and me, but also now describes my daughter Lauren, nieces Brenna and Cailin, and very soon, Rebecca, Christian, and Mayson. That term, and I feel obligated to mention it using air quotes, is “adult child.”

I am an adult child, with an adult child of my own. And as an adult child, talking about my mom is equal parts nostalgic and sad, and I’m trying to balance the memories of my mom as a parent - a caregiver - and as someone more dependent on me and her other children in her later life.

It’s not at all unusual for kids to be compared to their parents. Do you look more like your mother or father? Do you have the personality, or the intelligence, or any other trait to make you somehow more like one parent than the other. In my family, the comparisons were fairly obvious. Tim and Colleen had the blond hair and blue eyes and were commonly described as “100% Irish,” as my dad liked to call himself. Matt and I, on the other hand, with slightly darker complexions, slightly darker hair, and greenish eyes were more often compared to my mom. But I can’t help but imagine that, as she began to view her kids as adults, my mom saw new comparisons in her “adult children” - attributes that hopefully made her proud, not only of us, but of her own ability to raise a successful family.

I imagine she viewed Tim in the same way she did her own father, my grandfather. Successful. Practical. He has been a role model provider for not only his own family, but for countless other kids (some of which are now adult children) on the soccer fields of southern New Hampshire. I think my siblings would all agree that Tim is the most “adult” of the adult children.

Colleen could best be compared to my grandmother. She became my mom’s most reliable caretaker, and, as hard as it is to call Colleen “matronly,” I think that’s as good a description as any. Colleen is one-half no-nonsense and one-half, well, nonsense. Quick with a joke when mom’s spirits needing lifting, and a shoulder to cry own when things were hard. Equally important, Colleen was not afraid to make sure she was eating her vegetables, brushing twice a day, and wearing clean underwear (cause you wouldn’t want the paramedics to see you in dirty underwear). She could be my mom’s best friend or a pain in her butt, depending entirely on what was best for my mom at the time.

Matt is clearly my moms brother, and my Uncle Thom. Compassionate. Thoughtful. Someone that she took great pride in watching grow up to be the person he’s become. And someone not ashamed to show that he has always had equal if not greater amounts of affection for her. Whether it’s a younger brother or her youngest son, my mom needed Thom and Matt every bit as much as they needed her.

And that leaves me, and I don’t know if this ultimately made her happy or drive her crazy, but I think my mom saw a lot of herself in me. I always thought that she and I had completely different beliefs on everything from religion to politics to the economy, and we had more than a few arguments when she felt like the values I was demonstrating were not in line with what she expected of me. But in these last few years we talked more than ever, sometimes for hours at a time, and we both came to realize that we shared a very similar belief system and shared equally similar traits. Introspective. Prone to overthinking, but also not afraid to wonder - and worry - about the meaning of life. And what we both came to realize - and what I hope brought her some peace over these last few years - is that it’s OK not to have all the answers. Don’t get me wrong. She had her faith. She believed strongly in the Catholic Church and the teachings it represents. But she also came to realize that maybe it’s arrogant to assume that you understand all of God’s plans. Maybe we’re not meant to know with certainty the meaning of life, what happens when we die, and why bad things happen to good people. And I think she accepted that not being able to explain these things to your kids does not make you a bad parent. And disagreeing with your adult children over such questions does not necessarily mean that their value system is substantially different than what you worked so hard to instill in them. And when she looked at her four adult children, hopefully what she saw was that she raised children that embody all of the best traits of the people she loved and that shaped who she became during her time on earth. A strong work ethic. Willingness to sacrifice for your family. Humor. Empathy. Compassion. And a sincere desire to never stop learning, never stop asking “why”, and to never take for granted the world that you’ve been blessed to be a part of, if only for a short time.

My mom raised four children, each of whom became an adult child, and each of whom are currently or will soon be wrestling with the frightening understanding that they have adult children of their own. And the cycle will continue generation after generation. And us, as parents, and later our kids, as parents of their own, will look at their adult children and question whether we have been successful and have instilled in our families the traits we think are necessary to make the world a better place. And I think my mom, if she could provide one last bit of advice, would tell us to embrace the uncertainty and encourage the discussion - and even the disagreements - as necessary steps along the journey to adulthood. And I think she’d tell us to take joy in the fact that our adult children have become living representations of all of the people that we’ve loved and who loved us throughout our lives, and that this fact alone will be a source of comfort in the most trying of times.

Technically, I guess I’m no longer an “adult child”. Both of my parents have now passed away. But I think that Tim, Colleen, Matt, and I will always be proud that we were the children of Pat and Carol Field. Did my parents raise perfect kids? No. Will my kids, and my nieces and nephews, be perfect, and raise perfect kids of their own? Not likely. But with each generation we’ll continue to do just a little bit better, and we’ll instill in our children the best of those that came before us. And because of that, and because of everyone who gave a little bit of themselves to make me the person that I am, I feel blessed to be compared to my mom, and I look forward to hearing more people tell me that that “you remind me of your mother”.