#maybe none of my friends would ever try to see me if i didnt ask about it first

[itmightrain]

You ever just wake up in the early morning hours before your alarm goes off and feel so utterly alone *finger guns*

[daisymbin]

so? what's it gonna be, princess? - choi seungcheol

warnings: none!!

pairings: choi seungcheol x reader

genre: best friend to lovers (as always... zzzzz)

wc: 1.8k

check out my masterlist!

‘’cheollie, i think i will be running a little late. it started pouring out of nowhere and i don't have my umbrella with me,’’ seungcheol could practically hear the pout coming from you through the phone, ‘’please help me tell the boys im sorry and that i'll be there as soon as i can.’’ today was yet another friday evening where the boys had planned a group dinner to catch up with everyone which happens once every 2 weeks. 

‘’you're pouting arent you?’’ your best friend teased you through the phone. ‘’no im not..’’ you lie, but unbeknownst to you, seungcheol is sitting in his car; parked just outside your company's lobby waiting for you. he smiles as he watches you furrow your eyebrows and look up at the sky; watching the pouring rain, and he sees your pout growing more evident. ‘’don't you regret turning me down this morning when i offered to drive you after work?’’ he chuckles to himself as he continues to tease you; he fumbles reaching for an umbrella in the backseat, ready to walk towards you. 

‘’maybe a little…but my office is in the complete opposite direction.. i didn’t want to trouble you.’’ you tried justifying. ‘’its been 13 years now that we've been friends, how many times do i have to tell you that you're never a bother or trouble to me? you know i love helping you out and doing things with you. even if its just driving with you by my side.’’ you felt your stomach do a little flip at your best friend's words and you try to shake the feeling away. seungcheol watches as you brace yourself, getting ready to run in the rain to cross the road, most likely to get to the bus stop. ‘’WAIT, STAY THERE!’’ he shouts through the phone and you all but halt your movements all together. ‘’huh? what do you mean?’’ you asked as confusion took over you. ‘’hello?’’ you prod again when he doesnt say anything back. ‘’cheol??’’ this time you remove your phone from your ear to look at the screen, had the call been disconnected?

‘’princess!’’ your head whipped around at the sound of that. you could recognise his voice anywhere and yet, you didnt exactly believe it. what is he doing here? why would he be here? you watch as seungcheol run out of his car holding an umbrella over his head, ‘’what are you doing here? i thought i told you not to come? i could have made it to dinner on my own..’’ you say as you started to feel bad. ‘’in this heavy rain? its gonna take you forever!’’ he chuckles lightly as he reaches his arm out to put over your shoulder, getting you under the umbrella with him. ‘’yeah but still.. its so inconvenient for you.’’ seungcheol watches as your pout slowly returns. all he can think about is how cute and pretty you look, and how soft your lips would feel against his. 

‘’nothing is ever inconvenient when it comes to you. did you forget why my nickname for you is princess in the first place? did you forget the promise i made you when we were kids? i said i'll always treat you like the princess you are, didnt i?’’ he asked as he tugged you closer to him and start walking back to his car. ‘’cheol, of course i remember, but no one ever really holds onto promises they made when they were kids. it was just all fun and games!’’ you laugh as you hit his chest lightly with your fist playfully. seungcheol catches your hand and held it in his for a second before letting go. ‘’i didn't think it was just for fun and games…i meant what i said back then & i still do.’’ his face turned serious before it was quickly replaced by his boyish shy smile that you love so much. he reached down to open the door to the passenger seat, ushering you to get in. 

you watch as he closed the door to the passenger seat and quickly ran over to the driver's seat. ‘’what was that about?’’ you asked as soon as seungcheol settled in this seat. it doesnt go unnoticed by you that half of his body is wet; drenched in rain, clearly from shielding you with the umbrella better and not himself. you heart aches at that a little. ‘’what was what?’’ he questioned back, looking at you with confusion swimming in his brown orbs. you took in a deep breath and let out an audible sigh, ‘’you mean what you said back then and you still do?’’ you laughed before continuing playfully, ‘’aww, does that mean that my cheolie is still in love with me after all these years?’’ you teased jokingly as you think back to when you were both 21, your best friend had drunkenly confessed to you in a game of truth or dare with chan, minghao, soonyoung and joshua that you were in fact his first love when you were both younger. what he failed to mention however is that he was still in love with you at that time. 

‘’cheol, im just joking. dont look at me like that.’’ you say as you shift your eyes towards the road; finding his burning gaze too hard to keep in contact with. ‘’don't look at you like what?’’ his voice came out a lot softer and huskier than he'd like. not that seungcheol was trying anything, but his throat suddenly felt so so dry. was he about to have this conversation with you? ‘’i don't know, you just look so serious. i was just kidding. come on, start the car, or we'll be late.’’ you unintentionally whined, hoping that he will let it go and drop the subject. but seungcheol caught on to your nervousness, he always does. you have your tells when you're nervous and seungcheol knows all of them like the back of his hand. he knows you oh so well. 

feeling a sudden surge of confidence from the fact that he made you nervous, inevitably, your best friend turned cocky. ‘’so what if i am?’’ he asked as he leaned his face against his fist that his biceps were resting on the steering wheel. ‘’what?’’ you asked as you furrowed your eyebrows at him. seungcheol could see the slight irritation dancing in your eyes. he knows you think he's fucking with you again like he always does, except what you didn't know was all his playful flirting? yeah he meant those. but you? you could play along with his playful flirting but joking about feelings and being in love? that crosses the line for you. not funny. at all. 

‘’i said, so what if i am? so what if i am still in love with you after all these years?’’ truthfully, seungcheol felt confident and cocky, but that was before he actually said those words out loud. now? his heart was thumping so hard he thought it might jump right out of his chest, but of course, he didnt show it, he tried his hardest not to at least; always keeping that small but nervous smile on his face. ‘’if this is another one of your stupid jokes, stop it. its not funny. you know i hate when people joke about feelings.’’ your irritation had grown tenfold by now. ‘’start the car cheol, we'll be late.’’ 

‘’but we're already late,’’ he says as he debates in his mind if he should hold your hand. ‘’and besides, don't you think i know you well enough by now to know what not to joke about?’’ he watches as your eyes soften and reaches for your hand. you look down at where you are both linked: your hands, and silence takes over you. ‘’so, should we walk into dinner holding hands and let the boys plan our wedding or are you going to reject me and let this car ride be the most awkward we've ever been around each other?’’ seungcheol all but nervously asks, jokingly of course.

‘’is this really how you ask someone out? that's so corny and cringey. no wonder you've been single all these years!” seungcheol lets out a breath of relief when he hears your sweet laugh and sees a smile finally break out on your face. ‘’is the reason i'm single all these years really because of how corny and cringey i am or is it because of how in love i am with you that i stayed by your side and took care of you the best i knew how to at whatever age it was, that i always looked out for you no matter where we were, be it at a party, in class, in school, at a dinner functions, anything. that i tried my best to never let you feel alone and to know that i always believe in you no matter what negative things that pretty little head of yours tells you when you go to bed at night? and look at you now? look how far you've come.’’

seungcheol held your hand up to his lips and kissed the back of your hand. you felt tears lightly prickle your eyes and you blinked them away, ‘’thank you, cheol..for always being there for me even when i didn’t know i needed you.’’ he now held your hand up to his cheek, still intertwining your fingers. ‘’like today?’’ he asked with a shy smile. ‘’like today..’’ you smiled back. ‘’so what's it gonna be princess? are we picking out a wedding destination or are we sitting in awkward silence?’’ he teased. ‘’why can't you be normal and just ask me to be your girlfriend like everybody else?’’ you ask as you tried tugging your hand away from him but he didn’t let up, it only made his grip on you tighter. ‘’where's the fun in that? and besides, you answering my question will tell me if i have a girlfriend or not.’’ seungcheol already knows your answer to his question, but he still had to ask, he just wanted to hear you say it so bad. 

‘’hmm..,’’ you looked away from him and pretended to think for a second, ‘’you know The Maldives has always been my dream destination for travelling…a wedding there would be pretty don't you think?’’ you turn back to look at your boyfriend with a faux face of being in thought. seungcheol didnt know he could smile so big but in that moment he did, ‘’i think anywhere in the world would make for a pretty wedding destination as long as you're the bride, princess.’’ seungcheol finally lets go of your hand, but only to now cup your face in between his 2 hands.  he kissed you once on your forehead, ‘’you know i love you right?’’ he asked as he looked into your eyes, his usual playful and mischievous brown orbs are now replaced with love, adoration and sincerity. you smile as you answer, ‘’you know i love you too, right?’’ and that was all it took for seungcheol to finally kiss you on the lips. ‘’i think i love you more.’’ he just always has to win, doesn't he?

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for avoiding my husband on purpose, like, all the time? my husband (m36) and i (f34) have been married for almost 10 years (anniversary in a few months). we have 3 kids (m10, f8, f1) and he works full time while i stay at home. even before we got married i didnt really have friends other than him, and i always had a hard time finding excuses to get out of the house. frequently, he gets to hang out with his buddies who he also works with, and ever since we had kids he's always going out and leaving me home alone even when hes not at work just to idk. hang out at bars and pretend we don't exist. well lately ive been making time for myself to go out when the kids are at school (my youngest is pretty well behaved so i just take her with me instead of paying a babysitter) and i had managed to get kinda friendly with some of the wives of my husbands coworkers (theyre all members of the same union, so we see each other at those functions every once in awhile). i thought it was all going well and i was having fun and enjoying getting to be social for once, but about 2 weeks ago, the whole family was invited out for lunch (a picnic type thing) with his buddies from work's families. all was going well and for the most part even the kids were having fun, but then my husband got absolutely fucking trashed for no reason. none of the other guys were acting like that, and we've had conversations about him not doing that sort of thing, but he NEVER listens. he's always acting like this, but usually i dont have to see when its in public. well he embarrassed me so fucking much. he was trying to start fights, messing up his clothes, and wouldn't listen to me at all. just in his own world as always. i should've known because its been a decade of this, but i could have sworn it wasn't this bad before. he wasn't like this when we dated you know? so we got home and i was just. grossed out and annoyed. i slept on the couch and pretty much ever since then, i haven't been talking to him. i got a text from one of the ladies saying that a wednesday hangout thing i had been invited to had been canceled, but i pretty much KNOW 100% that it wasn't, and that they just don't want to be associated with me now. the kids don't really seem bothered by the tension around the house (i think its sort of normal to them since hes frequently not around anyways). i wouldn't be near as annoyed if there wasn't a part of my brain telling me "he did it on purpose". i know that's just how he acts but i could SWEAR its almost like he just doesnt want me to have friends. he doesn't want to hear about it, he just wants me THERE at home, watching the kids and existing solely for his convenience. i used to consider divorce, before we had our youngest. but i haven't had a job since high school, and i couldnt put the burden of asking for help on my sisters. they hate him, but i couldnt ask them for that support. and i dont even know what the kids would think, i cant do that to them. but yesterday, my husband brought it up (cornered me in our room pretty much) and asked why i was ignoring him. what if he really didnt know why? i TOLD him, but its like he forgot or just expects me to be "over it" by now. all i wanted was just this one thing, to HAVE FRIENDS, have that time away from being just "mom" and do what i want. he gets to do that so why cant i? or AT LEAST he could put some more effort into being around and doing things as a family? but i still wonder if im being the asshole, for giving him the cold shoulder for this long. he didnt have a happy childhood or good examples for parents so maybe he just thinks this is normal? i never asked because i assumed he knew it wasn't. and he does seem like, disappointed that i wont come to bed. maybe ive been driving him off and that's why he doesnt like to come home? idk at this point, im at a loss. aita?

[v4mp-reads]

can you please do an story (fluff only) with Damian Priest X Fem Reader (both have an crush on each other rhea is the only one who knows but don't tell them about the shared feelings), where Reader is an childhood friend of Rhea and also an Wrestler in WWE, Rhea notice that Reader is admiring Damian all the time and Rhea planes to go out with All of the Judgment Day and reader to celebrate Judgment Days first Anniversary in a local bar/club and reader and Damian gets all flirty and touchy all night an later ending up confessing and share an long kiss where they get caught by rhea and the rest by rhea saying "took you idiots long enough to be on that point"

Entwined hearts

Not my gif^

Damian priest x fem! Reader fluff (a little sad but not much)

Warnings: mention of alcohol,other than that bad spelling and grammar(im dyslexic)

Word count: 1.8k

Ty for the request!

Please if you like this feel free to send another

Y/ns pov

I look around the quite locker room waiting on judgment day to finish their promo, my heart beat picks up when none other than damian priest starts talking. I met him about six months ago when Rhea invited me to one of her partys, as i stayed close to her, cause i didnt know many people as i was a beginning wrestler he walked up to us and began talking to me. He was really sweet to me, staying with me when rhea walked off to another group of people, we stayed the whole night talking to each other. About how hes Secretly a cat person, how hes not a big fan of Rheas partys, however talking with me was one of the best experience hes had at one of said partys. After that we stayed in touch. From hanging out at the gym to going out to dinner with the rest of the judgment day, as the time we spent together grows so did my feelings for him, after I lost my match last week I was clearly upset and angry and he sat with me comforting me instead of going out to get drinks with the rest of the judgment day. And of course I had to tell Rhea about this, how could I not she’s been my best friend since we started school. She walked back into the locker room “Rhea he looked so good out there!” I basically yelled out. “Y/n, you need to tell him. This little crush of yours is getting out of hand, you gush over him every time you see him you be drooling over him.” She said. I knew she was right I was obsessed with him not in a bad why, I think. “Why would he like me tho Rhea, he has other girls falling on their knees for him” I tried to get her to understand why I haven’t said anything “if you only knew” Rhea mumbled out. I didn’t hear all of what she said. “What do you say?” I asked, “nothing nothing, you want to get drinks with me and the boys tonight maybe you could get some alone time with Señor money in the bank.” She joked causing me to blush. “Yeah I’ll go what time?” I asked “after the show, we are about to head out so we have time to get ready I know you drove yourself. So maybe just maybe someone will ride with you?” She said. “I hate you..” just as I said that the rest of the judgment day walked in. “What you two in here talking bout?” Finn said falling on the couch. “Just how y/n didn’t want to drive herself back to the hotel, and I know we came together so I was wondering if someon-” she was cut off by Damian “I’ll do it!..I mean I don’t mind if you don’t mind y/n” he said the last part kinda embarrassed rubbing the back of his neck. “I’d like that..I need to shower. So we should probably go..” I said trying to hide the child like smile on my face. “Yeah let me just grab a change of clothes, you mind if I shower in your room, our room are like 7 floors apart and the elevator is broken” he said laughing at the end “I don’t mind” I said walking out the locker room shooting rhea a almost scared look

We make our way to my car he asked for my keys, that I gladly hand to him as I’m not to fond of driving. He walked a bit in front of me and opened the passenger door for me “here you go y/n” I blush a bit, no one has ever opened the door for me “thank you Damien” I smiled as he closed the door getting into the driver side. I smile softly as we make our way to the arena, and to the hotel “I’m glad you are coming for drinks tonight y/n” he smiled glancing at me, “me to, I probably won’t drink tonight, tho” I told him “why not y/n- don’t be like that?” I shook my head “I might” he smiled as we drove back to the hotel. It was mostly silent, a pleasant silence.

When we got back to the hotel we hurried upstairs “I get the shower first!” I yelled as we made our way up, pushing Damien out my way softly “y/n!” He picked me up, putting me behind him so that now he was in front of me. He got to the room before me even though he still had to wait because I had the room key. “Ha I got the key I’ll still get in first” we walked in and I walked over to my stuff grabbing my stuff to shower. “I’ll be quick I promise” I told him running to the shower “alright” he sat on the couch as I walked into the bathroom. I quickly undressed and got in the shower. I washed my hair then my body, then taking a quick moment to wash off the stress from the day behind me. I wrapped the towel around me and walked out the bathroom. “Hurry hurry” I told him. He looked at me and blushed. “Oh..okay yeah.” He rushed into the bathroom to shower

As he got out the shower I finally finished getting dressed. I put on a black bralette with a mesh shirt over, with a black pencil skirt some tights and combat boots. I look around the room not being able to find my jacket. “Damnit” I continue to look around the room under the bed in random drawers. “Y/n, doll? What are you looking for” he said as he come out the bathroom. “I can’t find my jacket. I need it to look good” I flopped on the bed “y/n you don’t need a jacket to look good, but you can wear mine” I look at him a soft smile on my face “are you sure?” I asked softly “of course doll.” The way he spoke to me made me think he feels the same way. But i don’t know. I just grabbed the jacket he gave me and put it on fixing up my hair a makeup. “You ready to go?” I asked as I watched him finish putting his hair. “Mhmm I’m ready, you want me to drive?” He asked. “Please, not really in the mood for driving tonight” I said softly. “ gotcha” he grabbed the keys and we made our way to the bar.

As we got to the bar, we walked in together tho I walked off to find Rhea, of course she was in the at the bar with dom, I get over to her, she smiled at me “the normal?” The bartender said softly, and we were here a lot “yes please” I say softly handing him a 5 for the drink, I didn’t want to start a tab tonight. “Here you go,” he handed me my drink and I walked off to go find Damian, but he was sitting at a table with another girl..one I’ve seen before but I couldn’t put my name on it she had her hand tracing his arm tattoos. Watching this broke my heart. My eyes instantly teared up as I went back to the bar to get me something stronger. After about 3 more drinks, it really set in, my mind was racing, I have always been light weight when it came to drinking. So I decided to go sit in the corner. Jd came and sat beside of me, he didn’t really talk much he was to much into watching his girlfriend dance a few feet away from us. I sat with my head against the wall looking around. My eye land on the one person I didn’t want them to at the time. Damien. He looked at me with almost relief before walking over and pushing jd out of the way.

“Y/n, there you are, I’ve been looking for you for a minute now, are you okay?.” He looked concerned. At that moment I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh in his face or cry..I just wanted it all to be over, my emotions completely taken over by the alcohol, tears threaten to spill from my eyes. “Y/n, hey talk to me..why are you crying?” He brought his hand up to my face softly caressing my cheek, I looked at him before pulling my face away from his hand. “Is this a game..some shitty game..” I mumbled out. “What do you mean a game?” He said softly not trying to upset me even more “you..me..I don’t get it..you basically flirt with me all day, all day, I let you drive me here, and what do you do on the way here flirt with me more, but what..now that we are here you are with some other girl, letting her touch you and shit!” I was crying at this point trying not to make eye contact with him, I look up to see tears forming in his eyes “y/n please don’t cry, I didn’t mean to make you feel like this, I only started talking to her to get my mind off you, but I couldn’t, all I could think about was I wish this girl would shut up, because you,you are stuck in my head and I can’t get you out” I look at him, my tears of pain slowly shifting to tears of happiness. “I think of you..every single night y/n, I think about you when I win my matches” he softly grabs my hands “I look forward to any chance of being with you..y/n I’m in love with you” he said softly, “I have been since that day at Rheas party” I could only look at him, I was stunned. I was so happy, my actions spoke before my mind could think and I pulled him into a hug “I love you too Damian, since the day we met” I clung on to him like my life depended on it, in that moment it felt like it was only us, I would never expected to be confessed to, in the back corner of some random bar, but honestly I could not wish for anything better. He pulled away after a few minutes, our eyes meeting “y/n l/n, for six months you have been the best person in my life, I want that forever, will you please be my girlfriend?” He asked “yes yess yes, a million times yes” before I could think about anything else I kissed him, it felt like fireworks where going off around us.

“It’s about damn time..” I look up to see Rhea standing in front of us “you knew this whole time” both me and Damian said at the same time, “of course I did” she said before walking off. Both of us laughed before sharing another kiss.

Thank you for reading,

Xoxo v4mp-

[kiefbowl]

Everytime I say to myself "im bisexual" i get this sense of deep guilt, and i just feel like crying flor some reason.

I know im not straight and i know im not a lesbian so the only logical conclusion is that I'm bi but i just dont feel like I am? I also dont feel like I'm allowed to have these feelings of struggle because i see people online say women are prtending to be bi for queer points so i feel like I'm overreacting you know.

Everytime I think of myself being in a relationship with a woman i feel a deep sense of shame.

I feel guilty like im a monster you know. I grew up in a homophobic country and only moved out like 3 years ago so i think maybe thats why ? Idk im just lost. I see people online just like being super happy about being lgb and im like why am I struggling? Im not supposed to feel this way. I feel like a fraud.

I was outed, kind of, I mean I wanst even sure i was bi but she told everyone and like my friends started behaving differently towards me and idk I just well first of all why did she tell people?? I didnt even know if i was into women i just wanst sure i wanted to make sense of it first i felt exposed in a way(dont worry my uni was chill so no physical harm or anyhting like thta)

Like that was my thing!! It was my fukcing thing and you don't get to tell people about it . Why did she do that. I know its not a big deal but now like if you ask me if im out i would say no ? Like no one knows im bi here in this new country.

Im rambling.

I have never said the word "im bisexual" out loud like ever

I'm going to give you permission about something you haven't specifically asked for, but in my wisdom I'm going to grant you this permission:

You don't have to know.

It's okay! You've moved, you're young, you're getting away from homophobia and finding new kinds of homophobia...that's too much stress, just stop worrying about it. So you don't know today, who cares? You'll figure it out. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in 50 years.

If it's causing you this amount of stress, and if all the voices of all these people in your head causing you doubt, then you aren't allowing yourself to discover by simply living. You're becoming a police officer in you head, and you're navel gazing as a form of punishment, and let me tell you, even if you were straight as ruler that wouldn't help you find love and fulfillment.

You're sexual orientation is something natural within you. So whatever feels natural, that's the truth of the matter. If you are trying to attack this as a thinking problem that needs solving, you just won't get there. Go out and party, go out and enjoy people's company, go set life goals and focus on them...and one day when you're not thinking about it you will meet someone you can't deny is the most lovely, beautiful person in the whole world and all you want to do is kiss them. And then you'll know.

This is about no one else but you. This is your sexual orientation, this is your life, and you don't need a peanut gallery weighing in. Fire your shitty friends if you have to. If people ask, you can say "I'm figuring it out" or even flat out say "that's none of your f*cking business." Or, if you want to be funny, pretend you have a very selective hearing problem.

Prioritize the things that you know are fulfilling you right now, and all the stuff you don't know yet will come back around in due time. This is true of love as it's true of everything else we obsess about. You don't have to know everything about yourself to be a good person.

Good luck, sis. Have fun smooching cuties, studying seriously, and enjoying the sun.

[danvillecheese]

why do u think act ur age is fucked

[cracks knuckles] alright. essay time. you asked for it.

I’ve done a similar response to this before here and mentioned something else about it here but I’ll go over it again since those posts are both from a while ago. also bear in mind I haven’t seen aya recently bc I don’t like it. okay let’s get into it

[also im gonna preface this saying maybe i sound very pessimistic but im ranting and its just gonna sound like im complaining because i am. i mean no real malice by the way. im simply a person with a blog.]

first off. they don’t use the show don’t tell as well as they could. in the what might have been montage, sure, they showed potential scenarios and how phineas felt (very briefly) when isa stopped visiting his backyard but it just feels so rushed. I get that they only had like 11 minutes to show it but idk there has to be another way to write it. or just not have it at all idk its just from a writing point of view the whole episode feels rushed and out of place from everything else continuity-wise. why not use little easter eggs planted in the show beforehand? operation crumbcake? pharmacists? meapless in seattle? god theres so many episodes with evidence that phineas liked her back even if he didnt know. just. continuity!!!!

second. why did their friends not try something sooner. it’s not like they didn’t know. like phineas seems to be okay with saying “i wish! i am so in the friend zone there” in front of his friends (that quote alone makes me lose my shit but that’s a whole other point) so clearly they knew about phineas. and isabella also wasn’t quiet about it (source: pnf s1-4). they had like four years of high school to do something and they planned it the day isa left for college? nah its just the least realistic thing ever for me. also them being 18 is like yeah okay maybe the slow burn was worth it and theyre way more grown up (i love a good slowburn) but ohhhhhh my god SURELY their friends were getting sick of them dancing around each other. just me?

third. and I’m sorry to ash simpson but oh my god I hate the character designs like They Would Not Fucking Look Like That. it almost feels like it completely disregards their arcs during the original summer. like yeah child chub disappears over ur teen years but sometimes it stays a little longer! make phineas less twiggy!! make isa look more like her mother! (am i about to redesign them again? whoops)

four. and i know this is no fault of dan and swampy but the show was about to end anyways and yet the entire friend group was paired off into hetero ships?? get fucking real. none of those kids are straight. realistically, i know it was a different time and gay marriage wasnt even legal in the us yet so it wasnt all that common to have queer romance on screen let alone on disney channel but like i said, the show was about to end. what were the disney channel execs gonna do? cancel it? lmao

five. "I am so in the friend zone there." "we are guys. we do not talk about our feelings." WHAT!!! i cant believe this shit is real. these lines of dialogue are canon. what the hell. what kind of message does that even send to younger, impressionable viewers? if ur a 10 year old boy watching that (ok fine maybe that isnt gonna stick with you forever but listen) and you go 'oh its okay to just bottle everything up and not tell my friends about my feelings about anything ever' that is insane! thats not how things should go!! like i get the whole "im so in the friend zone" and yes, this also has to do with the era but like if they wanted to be a more progressive cartoon that kids look up to and enjoy maybe they just. shouldn't have put that whole conversation in.

i barely have any problems with the b plot. in fact id watch the episode just for the kazoo solo. because that plot lines up with the continuity. i can totally see heinz having bowling night with perry and carl and monogram every week! i can totally see perry and monogram retired! and carl running owca and getting payed for it! that all checks out! that one makes sense and works with the canon! if they got that plot so right how did they get the a plot so wrong?

i can answer this question: fanservice. its an awful word, i know. act your age is a fanservicey episode which is why i think it crashed and burned. mml season 2 is rooted in the same issue: doof is very present and takes away from the original plot of the show. like, the one he wasnt even in until the last episode of s1. slightly getting off topic but it is the crux of the issue. fanservice doesnt make for good storytelling. even if it brings in the big bucks. at its core, telling the story the way it should be told is the best one. even if it pisses people off. a good portion of the viewers will still appreciate whatever ending the creators come up with. and no, im not saying phinbella shouldn't have become canon, in fact i really like the ship and all their dynamics, i just think they went about it the wrong way.

as someone who's written and published fic about them getting together in different universes (granted, they were from when i was younger so its mildly terrible. take them with a grain of salt) there are a lot of other ways to tell that story canonically. honestly, i think the best way of doing it was to keep it ambiguous. dont tell that story. let the viewers pick their own ending for phineas and isabella. maybe they dont get together after all. who knows!

thanks for the ask! hope you had fun getting lectured <3

[whore4colbyb]

“ What are we”

Colby brock x y/n

summary:Colby and y/n were flirtly close friends ,but then you see him getting to close with another girl,which lead both of you in his bed

Tw:cussing,smut

18+

———————————————————————

Y/n Pov

I’m in the kitchen making some food while colby walks in and grabs me by my waist “hey beautiful,whatcha makin”I sigh “None of your business colby”colby grabs my chin gently with a confused expression “why are you acting like that”.I grab my my plate and walking away to my room while shutting my door behind me.

I was so frustrated,me and colby literally fucked last night and now i see him making sexual tiktoks with some girl and always hanging out with her.Sam texted me “yoo y/n Jake is having a party and was wondering if you wanted to come with me and colby”I smirked “ill go,you better give me a ride there and back” “sure will y/n”

I realized,I can go to this party and make colby jealous,so I can end whatever the fuck we had.I’m know the perfect dress to wear,my black,short, bedazzled dress that I have recently bought.it was almost time to go and I looked sexy as hell.As I was touching up my makeup and checking myself out seeing how the dress is on my curves, sam walked in looking at me up and down then said “you ready?” I replied “yes,sir”.

Some reason colby wasn’t in the car but I didn’t really cared.Got to the party and see jake “y/n i missedd you soo muchhh”he slurred out,already drunk.I laugh “I missed you too webber”then I see my friends dancing so I joined just to see colby and the girl dancing together,her twerking while he watched smacking it as well.My blood boiled before I could even think I grab sam and start shaking ass on him as he grinded me.I felt colby’s eyes on my,but i didn’t care i was having fun never knew sam was like that.

I gasp for air “sammy never knew you were freaky like that.”sam laughed “There are many things you dont know” I smirked “well Im going to grab a drink,maybe we can dance again.”he smiled “sure thing,sweetheart” he winked and walked away.

While I was grabbing my drink felt someone was behind me I look to see colby.”y/n wtf was that”he yelled “what I was just having fun.”i said calmly “y/n you’re mine only mine so if I see you do something dumb,it won’t end pretty.”he said roughly “so we just goin to act like you haven’t been all over that girl,we’re not in a relationship so mind your fucking business”I try to walk away but colby grabbed my wrist and pulled me in a guest bedroom.

“Colby we are not doing this,whu dont you just fuck that girl you care so much about,”y/n i want you not her I just didnt expect that I liked you because I didnt want to be rejected at least I thought you would.” i sigh “Wouldnt hurt to just ask.”.

“Im sorry baby I really am i want you more than anything.” I kiss him while he kisses me back he rips off my dress while giving me hickeys.I moan as he sucks my g-spot. “C-colby i-i need you n-noww”as I moan he takes of my panties that are now soaking wet “my princess all wet just for me”he groans before I could beg he bends me over on the bed and slams he big dick in me with no warning.All you can hear is skin slapping and my moans.

“I know you like that”colby says as he thrusts faster them ever, “C-colby im going to cum”I moan,i was a moaning mess. “Princess hold it”he roughly said.I cum while he cums all over my thighs.That.was.amazing.we both just lay on the bed naked besides each other

“If I ever catch you that again,trust you will be dealt with” I smirk “same to you my love.”

Fin.

Im sorry first time ever writing a fanfic hope you enjoyed tho!!

[nerves-nebula]

i frequently and somewhat randomly remember mundane parts of my childhood, mostly the ones where my parents arent directly watching over me.

i built a boat of leaves mud and sticks and floated it in the water that pools at the edges of the road and the start of the sidewalk. i did play with a lot of other kids for a few years. tag and other stupid games. but i abruptly stopped at the age of eleven, i think. there were more fireflies. i used to like going outside and inspecting rocks and bugs and things, hitting things with sticks. i used to be ok with picking up worms and slugs- i love slugs so much i wanted them as pets, the slime didnt bother me back then, i really don't know what changed. i have a few ideas but none of them are solid.

there was only ever one kid who i really clicked with, who really felt like he could be my friend, but that ended quickly because apparently he had a crush on me, and his brother wouldn't stop pestering me to date him. and anyway they lived a few blocks away so we didnt see each other as much as i saw the rest of the group.

i remember arguing about how to play monopoly in my brothers friends basement for hours on end. i don't remember if we ever did actually play it.

there was only one girl who would play with me alone. but im pretty sure she didn't like me that much, i think she pitied me, and it was embarrassing for both of us but she was the only one who bothered. i used to have a bike, and i loved it, and i outgrew it. i used to like being outside.

i know i was always anxious and frequently sad or bored to tears, but something changed a while back. some time around puberty. im trying not to romanticize the past or w/e because i know it wasn't very good, but something that'd been festering in me ate me from the inside out and i dont think ive ever been happy, or rather peaceful, since then.

i dont think it was trans stuff, though that didn't help, because im transitioning now and my face is still absolutely nothing.

partially i think this was inevitable. i dont think that my anxiety was necessarily LESS when i was younger, it just hadn't fully matured. I think it was always waiting, ramping up, and i wasn't happy then, i was just excited to explore in a way that I don't think I'll ever be again.

I remember, when i still hung out with other kids, asking the others if they ever looked in the mirror and didn't think their face was their face. Like, they knew it was their face, but it wasn't right. it didn't look like them. this was when i was maybe 8-10 years old. i don't know for sure. but clearly whatever this is has been with me for a long time.

so a part of me cant help but think it was just born this way and i should just die this way as well. my parents made me with malicious intent or something, and that seedling sprouted and there was no other way it ever could have ended.

[terraliensvent]

good gpd im so frustrated with stuff in terras rn. idont care anymore if they know who i am im jyst. so so frustrayed. its so hard to get stuff u want without spending money and im really lucky i have 3 terras. but oh god its so frustrating seeing people ask for. what even was it. asking for 14 myos. for 1 terra. it makes me so unvelievably angry!!

not tomention the way terra staff picked all the people who werent that active in chats. but just because they knew eachother well and were friends. it makes me lose hope for ever being a syaff and helping make this cs a little better :(

also how terra gas are always peopel with super detailled "pop" styles. like yeah youre picking smaller artists but.. yhey all have very similar styles and. its discouraging to someone with a chibi style who just really likes designing terras. it makes me wanna leave so bad.

and i. i cannot handle some of the members sometimes. some members will talk about how they dony have much money, like someone said they didnt have money for something. then immediately after bought a terra??? i mean i get that it can be addicting n stuff but. its so so frustrating oh god.

especially when people like. are talking about stuff and someone mentions something cpmpletely off topic. i could understanf if!!! maybe !! they asked nicely for a topic change and left it at tht but. ive seen people spam their own topics in the middle of another convo.

also i dont even wanna mention the trading scene. its insane. man i. ive been condidering leaving for sonlong mostly from members and specific staff. but. aughhhgg i love terras so much i just. wish i could make it better. i genuinely cry over it bc . i love terras so so much but its all going to shit . :C

im mostly just frustrated with dtaff constantly taking customs because if the staff customs channel and their new godly role. it sucks. it makes people feel like their artvisnt worth it, seeinh bids surpass thr hundreds while some camnot sell a fullbody for $5 just bc bias.

if staff see this, im sorry. i wish i didnt have yo go on a vent blog to say this. but i know saying it in the server would just get me silenced. please try to help with these issues seen here. and im genuinely so sorry, i really want to help, but this is the only way i can help now: giving criticism. i hope things change and i can enjoy terras again. i also hope staff are okay, i do not eant this to be mean or stressing in any way. :C [sorry for the typos mod i am very shaky rn and in a bus and carsick so im trying to fix them as mucj as i can. and ty for dealing witg all the drama.]

im sorry youre having such a bad time anon, it can be difficult once you realize all the deep cracks within the foundation of something you like

youre right in saying the trading scene is absolutely insane rn, people have decided that myos arent as powerful of a trading chip anymore but theyre still just as difficult to get, what the FUCK would someone even need 14 myos for

the staff has always been cliquey, if youre not in their little friend group you might as well be dirt, and theyre so biased toward pop artists, thats why kiwi rot was allowed to make a feral terra custom even while the hammer was coming down hard on them.

members are so rude and im tired of people pretending theyre not. at some point you gotta wonder how many times someone will breach social contract again and again regardless of every single time theyre politely told to wait their turn, just say you want to butt in and be done with it. ive never seen so many people absolutely unable to actually pay attention to the conversation at hand and it really seems like they just want to hear themselves talk

staff as a role is just a pretty little modifier to say “im elite, now drop $100s on my customs so you can immediately trade it off and say ‘looking for staff swaps ONLY if you offer me anything else u r getting blocked xoxox’”, none of them actually really use the new role to bring new viewpoints to the species or to make systems move faster, if they were then youd think we would actually have implemented more site functionality than one single fucking forage button and people wouldnt have to wait upwards of 2 weeks to get a myo design approved

terras biggest downfall is that every single person in the server is too sensitive for criticism and take it way too personally, that way everything gets silenced and nothing gets better.

personally anon, i suggest distancing yourself a bit. when i started moving away from the species and focusing on irl self improvement, i felt so much better (and started saving a lot of money)

[nerdwithaknife]

twenty questions for fic writers

tagged by no one. I saw @icescrabblerjerky do it and i want to talk about myself

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

31 but one of them is pictures

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

47,602 I am real small fish

3. What fandoms do you write for?

on Ao3 I have Good Omens, RQG and The Old Guard. back on ff.net I had some Sherlock BBC and The Arrow CW, I also have bits and scraps of ATLA and many thoughts about 9 1 1 and Assassin's Creed (Ezio Era) but none of that has seen the light of day (yet)

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Let it Snow Good Omens Kudos: 652

Outcasts always Mourn RQG Kudos: 184

Too Important a Thing RQG Kudos: 154

Blow out a Candle, light a Flame RQG Kudos: 153

Aftertaste RQG Kudos: 133

Let it Snow is in some kind of collection i get kudos for it basicalyl every day still especially since GO2 came out.

5. Do you respond to comments?

Only if there's a question or I want to clarify something. I think it bloats the comment count and i want to see how many comments i actually have.

I eat every single one though. Comments are EVERYTHING to me

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Most of Wilde Week 2020 was pretty angsty. I'd say Colours fade, Clothes rip (RQG) probably. maybe Bad Ideas (Good Omens) too but a different angst

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Let it Snow is pure fluff with a little angst in the middle.

All is Well IS pure fluff ok yea that one I think.

most of my fics, as angsty as they get, end well.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

closest thing I got was someone correcting me on a GO that Crowley does eat sometimes I knew that if read the book. Which I did and decided for that fic it was cuter if he didnt.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

there's an attempt deep deep in my markdown files of me trying to write some wholesome smut. It did not work out. I'll stick to fading to black and leave the porn to people more skilled than me.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I don't really do crossovers. I don't read them except very specific circumstances either.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that I know of. I hope not

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

not yet. I have translated one though. Privately for a friend.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope. I am a dictator on my ship I'm a lone wolf I don't play well with others etc etc edgy shit (I've talked to people about their fics being a Rubber Duck and I yelled AU ideas back and forth on discord servers but no "actual writing" yet)

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Give me Pining, give me seemingly unrequited but it isn't, give me fake arrogance and pretending to be someone you're not as a shield and someone else looking right through it and I'm happy. Zoscar my beloved, Aziraphale and Crowley my beloved.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Aftertaste. one day I swear. but it's been so long it's like gnawing at a brick wall. it's only the finale that will make it all ok too.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Angst. I love wringing characters out and dig my salty fingers into their wounds and make them sad and hurt them where it hruts most.

I also think I'm ok at getting their voices right

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

the actual writing. i just... dont write. finishing writing. aftertaste one day I'll come for you etc.

for real though Pacing is hard. when do I show and when do I tell also, how much movement do i need around a dialogue?

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

be careful you know what you're doing. I'd feel confident having someone speak german (since i am german) and I know who to ask for a couple of other languages, but treat it like britpicking treat it like culture picking. make sure it's actually what you want to say and what someone who speaks that language would say.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

BBC Sherlock. I was a Sherlolly bitch. don't @ me. I have paid for my sins.

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Outcasts always Mourn is definitely one of my favourites. I love diving deep into a character and peeling them like an onion and making things worse.

Blow out a Candle, light a Flame is another one. jsut because I loved the stupid never have I ever bit. and I still want that candle tattoo.

I'm tagging anyone who has ever written anything no matter if it's published. talk about yourself!

[red-woods]

i was a child when i saw it happen , i was walking down a street i didnt usually , feeling a little scared , a little lost , a little excited be the idea of not doing what i was supposed to , and quickly squashing it down with guilt . i wasnt supposed to do what i wasnt supposed to and if i did i wasnt supposed to like it .

and then i saw something strange , sorry , someone strange . i saw a fly on a wall , call me crazy but id seen them before , their wing was torn up and they had to walk .

i searched in my pockets for something to give them but , was caught in an odd feeling . it was anger . whatever i could give them wouldnt be enough to keep them fed forever , or protect them from the winter , or keep them safe . they were so small and vulnerable , and to so many people inconsequencial , and it made me angry at something deep , and fundamental that i couldnt place , or maybe just the society we lived in . i chalked it up to being angry that my parents would never let me bring a bug inside to take care of them but - it ran deeper than that . it was - cosmic . and it hurt . it hurt really bad .

my pockets were empty , and i felt a sense of guilt , and , i couldve sworn : hunger , and all at the same time : forgiveness ? i wasnt sure what i had to forgive so it confused me .

i saw them fall from the wall , and i rushed over to try and help , in whatever way i thought was possible but : bugs dont have doctors .

but i swear , i saw something come out of them . it was still them , im not sure how i knew but : it , sorry , they : grew , with long spindly , shadowy limbs , they grew hands , they tried growing a face but couldnt really so their face was sort of just blank . they were a child , and they held my hand .

i felt sad .

i said : hey , lets get you some food . and had a twinge of recognition that beforehand , i wouldnt have gotten it for them . i hoped it was because i felt like theyd have moved had i left , but i knew that wasnt it . i couldve carried them with me , and hidden them , and gotten them all the food they had needed . and i felt angry at myself .

we walked to my house , and i felt the need to hide them , because , they werent entirely human . i asked them to wait in the garden , and id get a cloak from a ren fair that could hide them . they didnt know any of those words , none if them were in the bible . i ran inside , tried to ignore the start of one of my mom's infamous hour long rants about some bullshit unrelated to literally anything , found a cloak , and brought it out excitedly along with pants , a shirt , the works .

i stopped .

someone saw them , and was starting to target them with the distinct cadence of someone who had found someone who isnt human , and who they know they can hurt .

i walked over calmly as if i was seeing an old friend , made up a convincing enough name , and said " hey i heard you were trying out your new halloween costume ! i got mine ready , i think your dad is right around the block over there with his costume !

i felt fear deeper than i ever had , i felt small , and weak , and i knew what was going to happen . i could feel it , not entirely , but i winced noticably , i passed it off as a sneeze .

they werent hiding their fear as well as i was because they scrambled to get away from the person , but werent sure where to go . i felt distrustful and scared , especially of the person who had been coming at me , but also of the person who didnt see me as - human ? what was a human - where did the lines blur , if i wasnt human , and humans were the only life they seemed to feel like was worth going out of your way to protect : what was i , did i matter ?

i was shocked at the thoughts id just had and felt very sad and apologetic but understood - the thing id been mad at , the cosmic , unfair thing i couldnt name : wasnt just the way the universe functioned was ingrained inside of me . and i suddenly felt it was something i had to destroy completely , at all costs .

the person with no face fled . i dont blame them honestly , because , i dont want to get into it . and i didnt see them again until later , when it happened .

i saw a circle of people i knew , most of them assholes to be honest , not surprising giving the circumstances . and then i felt it . i doubled over from the pain and screamed , loud . i tried to stand up and crashed into people nearby , some people there tried to help me , but quickly dropped it when others closer to the inside of the circle started regarding me as if i were something , or someone - to poke with a stick .

i felt horror , a fear of the cold dark nothingness , of a universe that genuinely didnt care about me , about flies , about some strange and horrific structure that should mean i would go home safe while someone else didnt . god , there was no way i was going home safe was there . haha oh god ,

i blacked out . when i woke up no one was around me , i think theyd scattered - which , was fair i thought - it looked like the scene of a crime . but - i started to remember that it was . i was lying in a puddle of blood , i coughed , tried to pull myself up from where i was lying , and fell back down but i knew it wasnt my blood , i was going - was i going to be okay ? it - was my blood , oh god i had bruises and cuts all over me - who was myself , who was them , were they with me now ? was one of us going to vanish ? i didnt think so , i wouldnt let that happen . i felt something around my neck , it was a chain . i held it gently , and - it said both of our names , with a symbol .

it looked like the symbol for yen almost , like this ¥ , but not quite . it was more rounded , and had one more line .

we lay there for quite some time . after a while the world stopped spinning , our heads stopped throbbing , we felt good enough to get up , although extremely slowly and gingerly . we limped back to my house clutching our injuries , we had both agreed to go their home and eat a metric fuck ton of every food we werent supposed to , and pass the fuck out in a comfy bed . and we did . we looked at our hands , there was a shadowy one there only we could see , and a body to hide them , we laughed about it , and dumped rotting garbage on the lawns of all who crossed us .

the end ^ w ^

The beast was dead. It took every adventurer in town and many a casualty, but the beast was finally dead. The town was saved - until someone noticed the creature was wearing a collar and a nametag.

[caz-is-gay]

so. currently actually sobbing bc i made the horrible decision to look through techno’s channel. i saw the gravity mod vid he posted after the announcement that he had cancer. i remember being so happy. sbi content! god. i still haven’t watched the video. yknow the one. a year ago i tried to watch squids video on part of the potato war. i didnt get 3 mins in b4 i heard his voice (he was celebrating!! he was happy!) and started crying. maybe in a decade ill be able to watch it and smile. and ill be able to watch the new one, and old ones and laugh like i used to. i looked through the community posts. he really loved birds, didnt he? i feel so bad for his dad.

june 2022. worst month of my life i think. everything happened at once. on june 1st lizzy was over. i was so desperately in love with her. still in denial about the inevitable friend zone. we went to zydecos grad party! she left halfway through to call her ex. they got back together. the facade was broken. obviously she didn’t like me back and anything romantic with her is a pipe dream. (i mean who would ever love to be attracted to an ugly fat pig like me?) so lizzy is over. im trying to ignore the heartbreak. then i hear the news. techno died. my sister hears it from a friend and tells me. the ppl we have over dont get it. they dont get why it hits me so hard, and god i dont want to explain it. so i pretend im fine. keep hosting, keep being nice. every second is agony! i cry myself to sleep. that had stopped a few months ago. i wasnt suicidal anymore but god. 2 weeks later im starting to back to *normal* levels of summer break depression. my dad finds out. he loved techno. im gone again. my mom fonds out, she doesn’t know who he is., doesn’t know the other 3 ppl at the table have already been grieving. shes lost so many to cancer. “did you hear about that minecraft youtuber who died of cancer? he was only 23, its so sad” i didnt know what to say. “yes i watched him everyday for 4 years his videos were the only thing that could get me to sleep when i started having suicidal thoughts if not for him i wouldn’t be here and now he dead.” yeah.

i still didn’t get over lizzy for months. fantasizing about a life with her was my escape. it was unrealistic and i couldn’t think about her like that anymore. then my dad brought covid home from work. june 23rd, my mom almost dies. thats the worst day of my life. it was mcc day. i was watching it on my tv, because my dad went to see his parents and mom was sick. she had been in bed for days. she got sick a lot. she had bronchitis for 10 years at this point. i was taking care of her. she was obviously delirious. asking me to pour water on her because she was so hot. i didnt know what to do. i waited for so long. i couldn’t deal with this right now i needed to de stress not have more. it got too much, i called my dad and he said she must have high blood sugar. fuck. i looked at her insulin log, nothing written for 2 days. fuck fuck fuck. he told me, if she cant draw her own blood for a reading, call 911. so we did. she could have died. if i waited any longer she could have passed out and stopped breathing. she went to the hospital. medically induced coma, intubated. she had told us many times shed rather die than be on a ventilator. none of us mentioned it. she was in a coma for 2 weeks. woke up, had to be in vent for longer. she was finally extubated. she couldn’t talk but she managed to be sarcastic still. i had to hold back tears. best day of my life.

that month changed the course of my life forever. my disability was most likely caused by the mild covid infection i got b4 my mom got sick. my mom doesn’t have a fungal lung infection anymore. my parents are sleeping in the same room again, and going to therapy. my mom has a cgm and a cpap and is on top of her health.

i cant stand the sounds of artificial breathing after sitting next to her for so long. im more afraid of my future than ever. im still getting over my best friend (fuck being demiromantic man) and i am still crying over technoblade.

[deadxmastreedownthehighway]

even more good news.

thought the shit of being ghosted suck.. my older is sister is pregnant? oh and my mother ask me if she was cuz her snitchy relative told her that my sister's lover told her they were going to have a baby shower. great for her i guess?? just reminds me that theres a huge gap in our relationship.. i didnt know how to be a good kid years ago and i guess she still holds me accountable for that.. it sucks to be left in the dark like that.. maybe im being hella unrealistic thinking she would tell us.. it hurts to be pushed aside and kept there.. i wish i didnt care or felt anything.. its a lot for today... i dont know how to properly react.. gonna have to brush all of this aside soon when i start school again.. dont want to let shit like this get in the way again.. wow how shitty to be left in the dark for something as grand as this.. it sucks even more cuz i didnt really get to grow up with much family closely and she was.. she didnt grow up alone and isolated like me and my kin.. it hurts to be shoved aside.. i really wish this didnt matter to be but it does.. my mother told me while we were in costco.. had to blast music and forcibly think of the few positive things in my life.. to avoid crying publicly.. this is too much for me.. what was this delusional alien even expecting??? why do you do that to yourself?? why do you even try and expect anything? why are you so stupid and delusional!!? i just wished none of this mattered to me.. why does it even? i already tried.. why grieve for something thats been dead for a long time.? i dont need my sister.. good for her.. guess it should of been a sight to fuck off from her life when she wanted us to take her car back to the house when we went to her graduation.. she wanted to party without us.. the shame and humiliation.. why didnt i learn there? why didnt i learn when she asked my kin to hide in the bathroom so her friends wouldnt see her.. we embarrass her.. this is the final nail if its true.. i dont want anything to do with someone that is ashamed of me and my kin.. i promised myself i wouldnt drag myself for anyone ever again even if i end up alone.. i really need a hug right now...

[thingsdontgetbetter]

basically for spencer, my flame, lottie if she ever thinks of going through my tumblr, and charlie, if he ever has the chance of finding my old tumblr to look at this, part 1/x

i scheduled this a week after to make sure if i actually did succeed in kmsing then this would be for you all, and if i didnt i could delete this in time before anyone would have to see this ever. right now it is 1:43am 6/16/24, i have spent all day being exhausted and barely being able to pack up stuff to be easier for whoever finds me to get to the right people i cared about. i still have cleaning my bathroom, taking out the trash, and putting together the computer im typing this on to be put in charlies stuff to be sent to him, along with taping everyones addresses to their boxes/bags.

not to be writing this out like im santa but i just wanna make sure theyre getting to the right people! if they didnt get to you then the aprtment/eviction people did something weird with them, idk if theres any legal requirement for them to go to where i asked them to go, but know that i had this all in mind for all of you.

spencer: i had like. 6 quadrillion things i thought youd might like, from all my plushies to some masc clothing, idk if you can even wear a lot of it, but i thought youd like it. i threw in basically every hat and comfy hoodie i had, along with some hair stuff, because i thought maybe youd smell it and think of me. i tried really hard to think about if you were gone what i would want of you. most if not all my post im making in the idea that youll see it and theres just so much i wanted to say without tipping off that i was shooting myself later, and i wanna come back to that, but i want this part to be like what i sent to u all.

lottie: pretty much all my womens clothes and make up, i honestly started yours like 12 hours ago i forgot so much of whats in there. your containers dont close all the way which is super annoying….. im gonna try to tape it closed? idk theyre fucked up containers but nowhere is open at this time for me to get something different, i already had it, and ideally you get it! theres perfume, some shoes i hope you can wear, if none of this you cann wear i hope you know someone who would want to wear them. theres also two board games.

charlie: im starting off by saying i have been the worst to you. by far. and im so sorry. a lot of what im doing tonight comes in the thought that i feel like i dont have it in me to do anything for myself or anyone else, just being this black hole where people are forced to put up with me, and even more than youve done it economically this last year, youve had to do it for 10 years now. more than anyone. you deserve someone way better than me as a friend, and i cannot be just a burden or a toxic person to you, or to anyone else, yet i also dont have the strength to provide for myself either. im a leech and a bum, just a scummy girl in general, and i dont wanna be that anymore. thank you for everything, and im so sorry for hurting you in this way, the capstone of me being terrible to you in an attempt to not be a worse person to you or anyone else in the future. i sent you my computer and some other electronics ideally so you could have something to go through to think of me if you wanted to, or to sell it to get your money back that youve lent me that realistically i dont think i could ever have it in me to get back to you in actual cash, because i cannot live and provide for myself.

tumblr has a character limit so im posting this as a 1/x

[caspersdiary]

I saw you in my dream for 4 consecutive days..

Why are you so special in my heart that it doesn't want to let you go! How bad it's been to see your reels in my feed ... I have been trying so hard to avoid you with all my heart yet I'm failing to do so.. I fucking love you way too much!

I can't let you go. But it's hurting knowing the fact that you have literally misunderstood me all these time .. have you ever tried to understand me with your heart?

Love is not supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be smooth. Was it that hard for you to understand it? Was I too hard for you to read? Or was I too confusing for you to understand?

I loved you way more than you could expect. It hurts yet I'm holding myself with the help of my friends cause if I let my heart win, it might have to live in hell for the rest of its life ...

Yess it's okay to be jealous. But not for something like this! This story literally tells me that if I went with my brother in law that too would make you jealous. I don't want this neither do I like this kind... For that guy I literally thought of him as a friend! And nothing else ... Yet he went ahead for giving me something that I love! And it made you mad...

I definitely wanted you to be the one who would fight the world only to get me. Like someone who would give death stares to those who likes me or tries to hit on me.. However it turned out like you didn't even want me . If you did ,,you wouldn't have let me go for something like this ... You think I did wrong to you. I did agree with you. Even though ik I didn't do anything wrong but knowing your state I was in no position to make you understand it...You said I have hurt you . You cried and I realized that if you're telling me that I have hurt you, maybe I have! Even though it was unintentional. You gave up in the start and I did it when it went overbearing...

I was way too much happy. You know how proudly I was talking to my friends that I fucking love you a lot that I was ready to give my all .. my family my name and everything... I was so ready to be loved by you... But you weren't ready... And it hurts...

You didn't realize and I didnt stop. I let you treat me like shit. I'm not someone whom you'd love and the next throw me away! I'm not someone who'd go back to you,, annoy you just because I love you... I have my own self respect own ego own human dignity in me.. I couldn't let my self down anymore to you which I already did...

You think you let your everything down?? Your self respect? I really wanna ask how? Did coming back to me hurt you like that ?? Did becoming vulnerable Infront of me made your self down? How many times was I vulnerable Infront of you?? Honestly It never mattered .. I never felt like I have let your self respect go down... Besides was I that unwelcoming to you?? I fucking loved you so much to let you go! I didn't want to hurt you which is why I was afraid to even talk to you at times...

I was happy with you but you never seemed to be happy with me! You never seemed to be contented with me. If I'm that pushover for you I thought it's better to leave before I loose my dignity and give you some space to think it over..

I guess I found my answer. You never wanted me. The space or time I had given you made you realize I was wrong for you. And I don't wanna cage you up just because I love you..

Now that It hurts too much cause no matter what I see I get reminded of you. My peace EXO, family even those dramas none of those give me peace anymore ... All of them reminds me of you! How am I going to live?

I really wanna pass this phase soon. I know I did wrong. But your words your incidents everything is hurting me more.

To all those things you have liked or you meant for me ,, it hurts. I never manipulated you. Idk what made you think like I did. Was I that wrong to say my part? I was a victim here but you literally made it look like I was in it. I was villain..As if I wanted it. I accepted the fact that , for your story, I was indeed the villain .. I failed to make you understand my pov .. I know my words were not right from the beginning ,for you to get my point. But it literally tore me apart knowing how you thought of me.

I left you when I felt like you don't have anything left for me . What do you expect? Want me to beg you to stay? I can't do that cause it would take my sleep away. The dignity I have would have vanished...

I was embarrassed and tired of being a pushover for you. If you really loved me why didn't you made this clear. You planned everything. Is that your excuse? At least you could have said that you too have feelings for me! Was I that hard to communicate? I thought I made it easy for you to communicate with me.. I even went through all those cringe and embarrassing moments.

I even wanted to ask you out if only I didn't felt like I was pushing you to meet me alone. I was ruining your family timee. How far should a girl behave to make the guy believe that she love her? No girl does that.. Every single girl loves to live in fantasy and be the princess to get princess treatment.. Meanwhile me Ignoring those I thought of making everything comfortable for you.I knew your experience about getting rejected.. but was I too hard for you??

You know what hurts the most? Thinking that the place I imagined myself beside you wasn't for me!

It's my worst phrase. I don't wanna let you see this part of me... Maybe when I get over this and be okay that I have been able to let you go. Only then I want you to see this ..

It's really one hell of an era for me... Cause no matter what ,, no matter how far I run from you I go back to you.. anyhow somehow ...

I cried in my prayers to let you go but it tore me more , my heart .. I can't help but ask Allah for peace,, for you to come back to me... I stopped praying for that since the day I unfriended you.. And it's also been hell for me. I can't help but pray for it every now and then tell him to give me what I actually deserve.. and I suppose it's definitely not you.. Cause if I deserved you or you deserved me we could have been able to fight for these and rewrite the stars...

......

I finally talked with her and she understood it. Tapi explained to me how this whole thing was wrong! All these time I was blaming myself. But was I actually the one to blame?

Those hurtful words,,, one hand doesn't clap! You have literally let my self respect go down.. I would never do something like that cause I hate that thing... I'm literally done with speaking my part trying to clear it out for you... I can't do that anymore...

I was so ready to give up everything for you yet you weren't ready to let this go. And not to mention we were not even in a relationship back when this things happened... Besides ignoring my intentions I never planned to hurt you with something like this. I was shocked. I was talking about you to that guy yet that guy thought of giving me flowers just because I liked those! And it made me broke your trust? I really never understand you.. Even though I tried to I failed..

Even as a friend if you didn't like that friend of mine, you could have said don't mix with him. When I intentionally sent you SS with him in my chat heads you could have warned me as a friend. But you didn't.. You didn't even showed that you were getting jealous..

You know what people are right, if you dont get what you desired you should run! If the person you love doesn't serve you the same amount of love respect and energy, run!

Except my besties literally every single person knows that I'm in a relationship with someone. Every guys that tried to hit on me when I was in coaching, I turned all of them down cause I was in love with you. I still remember there was this one guy who literally proposed me in propose day yet I told him thank you but I have someone. Still now there are people who keeps asking my friends whether I broke up or not only to find a good timing for hitting on me.

You know what I do not regret any of these. Any of the moments I have spent with you. But I do regret that I had expected way more from you. I regret that we couldn't be together until the end.

I just hope that you are doing well. I just hope that you realize what you have for me is not love it's empathic love .. and once you get over it,,it will go away and you will resent it someday...

I couldn't erase you forget you or let you go... Which is why I'm gonna live with the dreams of you.. I'm gonna live with the love I have thought you had for me in my heart... I'm gonna live imagining impossible...

Just like this one.. there's so many more!

And I won't be able to send any of these to you... Just know that I love you .. However I'm letting you go! Thank you for letting me go at the first place. Cause if it weren't for you I probably won't have been able to let you go either!...

[abvfluxing]

Several months ago i told my roommate i wasnt interested in looking at a new place to live, bcus at the time i figured there was a good chance i wouldnt still be living in ohio in the next several months to year. (I never told her why i didnt want to look at new places thankfully). Bcus i thot things were going to keep moving in a positive way with him. Very stupid of me.

I waited 6 months on two things. "Idk how I feel " and "we will meet in person". 6 fucking months of waiting patiently.

And when i finally bring up the first thing i get "well i don't think i feel that way... but who knows what the future holds". Wtf. half a year and you still cant say it decisively. I tried so hard to take that as a definitive response and move on, but it wasnt and i couldnt. Bcus im an idiot.

After the first cancelled meeting i waited. Then a second cancelled meeting. And he says "well im not going out of my way looking to pick up trips to go that way, itll happen when it happens". I keep waiting. One day i try to sincerely explain how much its hurting me to wait to meet like this, and how much I want to take the initiative and plan a trip to his city. And how worried i am about the whole "flight school" on the horizon since its going to most likely alter his schedule in such a way that him and i will have so little free time at the same time. And how that scares me bcus it feels like the first step to losing him completely. And this is another reason im pushing to make a meeting happen.

So Making it very very clear that i only would want for one small simple meeting, like a lunch, and that if thats all i got with him that would be enough bcus i also just really want to travel somewhere and see things jve never seen and that taking a plane by myself is a very scary thing, but if im going somehwere where i know a friend is on the otherside it gives me the strength to do something so extreme for myself, i mean im someone that gets stressed and anxious just trying to go to a store or run errands. He says "no, i cant guarantee it would work out to meet, and i dont want you to spend all that money and be disappointed" also "im not out to my family so itd be comllicated to have you over as anything other than a friend". First of all, im not even allowed to try and make something happen. 2nd with weeks ahead of time anybody can plan for a single lunch to happen once out of 2 or 3 days possible. 3rd it must not matter how important it is to me, to be able to try and do something like this, how little i expect how little commitment im asking for it, how unobtrusive im trying to be but also experience something. It doesnt matter. 4th, what the fuck is that second excuse coming from? I didnt ask to meet your family, i didnt ask to come over to a family dinner and ve introduced as your boyfriend. How is that a concern when ive made it clear none of that is expected? (Well stupid ass me thinks only someone thinking of doing those things would randomly bring them up when they were not previously stated). 5thly, if you had a job that would literally PAY you to go and visit your alleged "best friend" ... wouldnt you kinda fucking want to do that? Wouldnt that be cool as shit? If i could get paid to visit some of my friends, i think maybe i might try and make that happen every once in a while. So he wont take a paid trip to see me, and im not allowed to pay for my own trip to him. Kinda really sounds like "i dont want to meet you". Only took this dumbass about 8 months to realize that one.

The last couple of weeks ive been trying to act "normal ". Im not messaging him everyday, even tho i want to. And it fucking hurts me. And idk how he feels about it, or if hes even noticed. Not like he would ever really tell me the truth anyway. So im an idiot and an asshole.

I can't even get him to say something as simple as "i want to spend time with you" i tried so hard one night to see if he could even say that much, it didnt work. Bcus im an idiot.

We had two big fights recently too. The one everyone could see where he made it clear he thinks im stupid as shit. And then a second one a few days later while in a discord call. He was upsetting me so much i had to hang up on him before i blew a gasket. Then i explained to him why i got so upset and his response was "wow you got upset over someone elses opinions". He was going to let the night end like that. Soni explained further why I was so upset. And he said something like "ok". And i had to be like "do i even get an apology?" (After i had already apologized for hanging up and getting upset, earlier in the convo). And only then did he finally give a half assed barely covering the problem apology. But I took it and rejoined the call after calming down a bit more. Once again i was being stupid and an ass.

Ever since those two fights i feel like i get treated like shit all the time. Like he is mad at me about stuff but cant even remotely bring it up outside of treating me like shit. But then the one day he streams its all "this is the game brad recommended for me, he knows me so well" blah blah blah. And weirdly nice replies sometimes. Like clearly something is up. But more likely im just an idiot.

He was trying to talk to me the other day, just a couple days after my "worst day" of the very very bad past two weeks. I told him "sorry i havent been feeling well". Him "oh are you sick. Me "well not like cough cough sick". Him " then what is it?". Me "its hard to say out loud". Him "oh ok".

And that was it. No reassurance, no "im here", no "i understand but you can talk to me if itd help". Nothing. Is that really how someone responds to their "best friend" clearly not being well? Its hard for me to tell bcus im so stupid.

And then the announcement earlier. Came with no warning to me. Last i heard he hadnt heard back from any places. And hours before he posted that he asked what I was doing, and i was playing totk amd watching gdq with the roommate. Not really a good time for him and i to play a game together that would take the main tv in the living room. So he said ok have fun. And i said "if you want to hang out in a call thatd be cool". Him "well id have to go in the other room, ill just stay in the living its more comfortable". Me "ok well lmk if you figure out how to use discord in the living room and id be down to hang out". Him "id either have to wear headphones and not hear the game or put you on speaker and youd hear my game. Which is so annoying". Me "i normally use headphone and just leave one ear uncovered to hear the game. Also so when my games have been too loud". Him "its mostly my friend nate 'blah blah blah" convo ends. And a couple hours later we get that announcement.

Hes got his next two months planned out basically. One month of "working back to back" which contains two weeks off, one of which an international vacation! Lmao. Followed by starting school the next month. two weeks before my birthday! How perfect! I messaged him and told him im happy to hear that he finally heard back from a place. And that im happy for him. But im also so fucking pissed. Ive told him how this school thing coming worries me, and he makes a group post instead of telling his "best friend" first. Isnt that fucked up? Once again im being treated like shit. And hes able to have two weeks off in june, including an 8 day international vacation. But i get "ill try to stream for those other days". Somebody you said "we will meet eventually" and you cant make room for me after all this time before turning your whole lifes schedule around making it so you know we wont be able to hang out anymore. So clearly im a huge fucking asshole for having such selfish fucking thots when all i should have thot was "oh yay good for you!". But hey thats what you get when your a stupid worthless ashole am i right? 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆