#maybe let Mai get wooed by a giant fucking bird who knows

[n3on-graveston3s-calling]

When you want smut with your oc but you realize in order to get that you either have to

A: write it yourself or

B: tell your writing partner(s) that you want smut

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #204: Claws Across the Water!

February, 1981

Welcome back, true believers! ... Eh, true believer?

I hope at least one person out there is still into this.

It has been nearly two years. I let this sort of series slip into forever hiatus. My at the time job was really eating all of my energy.

That plus the yellow peril villain two-parter that’s this and next made it hard to get motivation up to get back into it.

But in the time between then and now, I wrote a fixer-upper draft of a pretty okay novel for nanowrimo and started learning crochet. So the time not Avengersing wasn’t entirely wasted.

But now I don’t have a job!

Thus, the Avengers.

Our roster of Captain America, Iron Man, Scarlet Witch, Wasp, Vision, Beast and Wonder Man are going to fight an enormous Ming the Merciless and many fuchsia Laserbeaks from Transformers.

Its a weird but gutsy concept for a crossover.

(Three cooks in the kitchen, writing-wise. Not an auspicious start.)

The issue really starts with a woman named Shu Han sending a secret message for help because she is being held captive by THE YELLOW CLAW.

Yellow Claw has offered Shu Han “honor, unlimited power, a pivotal role in the new history of the world” in exchange for something. He gives her three days to make up her mind, leaving Shu Han unsure of how much longer she can continue to resist.

And a day later, in Avengers Mansion, the Avengers say goodbye to Hawkeye. He had been hanging out with them a couple issues through the Red Ronin thing, the shudder Avengers #200 thing, and yet another Ultron thing.

And then Jarvis comes in with the mail.

Despite the Avengers being the Avengers, all of their mail fits neatly on one tray. And one piece of mail dramatically marked LIFE AND DEATH gets Cap’s attention and he pauses their meeting to read it.

It seems that Shu Han’s secret distress message was picked up by a ham radio operator in Hong Kong.

Imagine. Two hundred and four issues in and ham radios are still a relevant plot point! And yet Rick Jones no longer is. Goes to show...

Anyway, the ham radio operator’s letter says that Shu Han says that she’s being held captive by the Yellow Claw. And since Jocasta doesn’t know who that is, it lets Cap exposit.

Captain America: “The Yellow Claw is a biochemical genius. Well over a hundred years old, he retains his youth through secret scientific methods of his own devising. Unfortunately, he’s also a tyrant intent on destroying every last vestige of western civilization -- at any price! The Claw and I have fought several times in the past. I’d hope we wouldn’t have to again.”

So as you might guess from this, Yellow Claw isn’t a new character. He first appeared in a self-titled book in 1956. And opposing the Yellow Claw in the Yellow Claw was FBI agent Jimmy Woo. Which is slightly better.

Anyway, Iron Man chimes in that he’s heard of Shu Han. She’s a gold medalist in track in the 1968 Olympics. And Beast has heard of her too! She won the 1974 Nobel Prize in Physics!

Both of these things! Shu Han is quite the accomplished person.

And Cap isn’t sure why the Yellow Claw wants an Olympic gold medalist who is also a physicist but it can’t be for anything good!

Vision points out that the Yellow Claw’s island is in contested waters and that actions by the Avengers could cause an international incident. And also it might just be a trap.

I mean, ham radio operator? Really? In 1981?

Captain America: “That might be true, Vision, but the fact remains that someone in trouble has asked for our help. And as acting chairman, the only thing I can say in response to that is -- AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!”

Good attitude, Cap. That’s a good attitude to have.

And the Avengers Assemble, which in this case means run out the door like they’re racing for shotgun in the Quinjet.

Running right past Jarvis who was bringing coffee and ginger cake in. Leaving him to eat the cake himself because heck, no sense letting it go to waste.

I tell ya, Jarvis is underappreciated. Do you know, I don’t think they even invited him to move into Dead Alien Mountain in the current book? Instead they got a man trapped in a gorilla to be their butler. I mean, valid, but you do Jarvis a disservice.

LATER ELSEWHERE

The Yellow Claw stands villainously on a balcony talking with a Dr. Liu and asking him about the status of a project.

Dr. Liu says that there’s almost enough “formula” to begin distribution.

Yellow Claw: “Your words please me, Liu, for I have waited long to grasp this moment. Others may have their kingdoms, their countries, even their continents. But soon, doctor, I... shall have a world!”

But the Avengers’ Quinjet appearing on radar takes some wind out of his sails and he orders the base locked down and defenses activated.

As the Quinjet circles the island, Cap decides to send Wasp and Vision to try to find a way to snoop around undetected.

Vision can just intangible through walls and Wasp can find small entrances.

Of course, when Yellow Claw says lock the base down he means lock it down because even the air vents have been covered up with plexiglass. But Wasp decides to just blow it open and fly inside.

Somehow, even with that, its Vision who makes the more conspicuous entrance, as he manages to intangible in right where some guards happen to be staring at a wall.

Good work, Vision.

For whatever reason, solid snaking through a dark air vent makes Wasp wistful for some time that she and Hank went in a tunnel of love. And he was so shy that she had to teach him SOMETHING.

I’m almost sorry that she stops her internal monologue anecdote when she spots the Yellow Claw.

And here our two sneakiest Avengers both prove that they need to intern with Black Panther for a weekend or something because they both make a goofus.

Vision beat up the two guards that spotted him and just left their bodies where they fell, causing alarum when they were found. See, Black Panther would have told Vision that you need to hide bodies in a locker.

And Wasp falls off the wall while trying to eavesdrop and is spotted by the Yellow Claw.

He doesn’t recognize her as a tiny woman, tiiiiiny woman, but the fact that a bug is in the base at all means that the base isn’t airtight which means one of the air vents has been compromised.

Meanwhile, the Quinjet has continued to circle because there’s no good place to land on the whole island. So Cap decides to land off the whole island and makes a water landing.

Apparently Quinjets are like seaplanes in that regard.

And then as they are trudging through the surf to come ashore, -battle transition music- A SLIME ATTACKS!

Wait, this isn’t a dragon quest. This is an Avengers. They’ve got a man in power armor and a robot woman. We’re sci-fi. Okay so its a cyborg slime.

Or a jellyfish. Or, you know what? It has a beak. Maybe its a kraken. A cykraken.

And it drags the Avengers underwater, which is just what a jellyslimefishkraken cyborg would do, if you think about it.

Beast and Scarlet Witch are SOL. Scarlet Witch’s arms are tentacled to her sides and all of her spells require a somatic component. And she hasn’t taken the feat yet to let her ignore that requirement.

And Beast doesn’t have any leverage underwater to apply his strength and agility.

Cap isn’t doing much better because he’s trying to hit the thing with his shield underwater and the water drag isn’t helping.

Jocasta is doing alright. Her eye beams work perfectly fine underwater at cutting the tentacles. Although the narration calls her a “robotrix” which... what?

And Wonder Man does fine too. Even underwater his super strength is enough to just tie the tentacles in knots.

But Iron Man goes completely limp and the jellyslimefishkraken cyborg grabs him up and sticks him right in its mouth.

But it was a ruse. He baited the thing into eating him so he can repulsor blast it from inside and destroy it, freeing the other Avengers.

Good job, Iron Man. You killed a unique, horrible lifeform.

I think we can see that the real monster is Man. Comma Iron.

Meanwhile, inside the evil villain base, Vision runs into the evil villain. Who asks sincerely what the fuck Vision is doing here.

And Vision responds by immediately firing a laser at Yellow Claw.

Which. Good hustle, Vision.

Buuuut. The guy has an energy field that rebounds the energy back at Vision and knocks him out. Its a proven fact that the villain will always have something to stop Vision from soloing the plot.

Kryptonite, so to speak, is everywhere.

Yellow Claw has Vision taken to his lab to be dissected. FOR SCIENCE!

Outside, Beast goes ahead of the other Avengers to scout.

In his Beasty way, he’s goofing a little, singing the Loch Lomond song. And then he’s attacked by just so many flying blades. A lot many.

And so are the rest of the Avengers.

Wonder Man: “No kidding! One just clipped a lock of Jocasta’s hair -- and that stuff can take a bazooka blast!”

I really like imagining the Avengers testing that.

More than that, I’m amused imagining Jocasta’s deadpan expression as they shoot bazookas at her head.

‘The things I do to socialize.��

Anyway, the Avengers scatter to make harder targets because the blades are clearing the jungle to deny any cover to the heroes. Cap spots the blade launcher and throws his shield at it. Because that’s what he do. And it works. Because that’s what he do.

And since the jellyslimefishkraken cyborg and the “death crescents” hadn’t given the Avengers the hint, Yellow Claw appears before them towering several stories high and tells the Avengers to GTFO his island! GEEZ!

Jocasta notices that giant Yellow Claw casts no shadow and announces that it must be a hologram of some sort.

AND THEN THE METAL DEATH BIRDS

They get very angry when you point out special effect failures.

And then the Avengers do their various Avengers things.

Its an action scene. Avengers fighting robot death birds.

Iron Man jumps upside down in front of Beast to protect him from a missile. And Cap does the same right side up with his shield to protect Wanda.

I do appreciate the teamwork with immediate protecting the squishy members of the team.

Wonder Man hits one metal death bird with another. Because hitting an enemy with an enemy is great. I love grievous harm with a body.

Only thing better? If some Jedi force pushed General Grievous to smash some droids. Grievous harm.

Anyway, Jocasta does her eye blasts again, to great effect again.

Captain America throws his mighty shield and even a metal death bird must yiiiiield.

And Scarlet Witch gets to do something this time because everybody is doing a thing this time. Its a real team showcase.

She. And this is totally what probability alteration is. She changes the probability that a launched missile will just turn around and blow up the robot death bird that launched it. That’s just math.

Iron Man says that since his armor powers were originally based on magnetism, he can just remotely magnetize two of the metal death birds and cause them to smash into each other.

BUT THE BEST ONE OF ALL? And the reason I bothered to synopsize the individual actions instead of just saying “and then an action scene happened”? The best one of all.

A robot death bird launches a missile at Beast and he catches it. He catches it between his toes and throws it back, blowing up the robot.

Spectacular.

So spectacular that we can assume that it instantly ended the battle just because of its sheer majesty. I can draw no other conclusions from the juxtaposition of panels.

The Avengers finally reach the base after spending most of the issue traipsing up from the beach. And the base being locked down is swiftly solved by Wonder Man and Iron Man punching the door down.

My only regret is that neither of them make a joke about knocking. C’mon guys, I can’t be writing your snappy dialogue for you decades after the fact. Publishing doesn’t work that way! I’m not writing a redub!

A bunch of Yellow Claw’s goofy guards all prepare to be ineffectual mooks in a mob brawl but Yellow Claw stops them over the intercom.

See, he’s got Vision prisoner. And while he had intended to dissect him FOR SCIENCE, hostage is equally good. So if the Avengers don’t surrender, Vision will be sliced to bits by dissection laser scalpels.

Anyway, Dr. Liu shows up through a secret door to show the Avengers in to talk to Yellow Claw.

And Yellow Claw says politely ‘why the fuck you on my island??’

Or:

Yellow Claw: “Welcome, Avengers. I am pleased to have such illustrious visitors in my humble home. In fact, there is one thing that could possibly make my bliss more complete -- the reason why you’ve invaded my island, and my privacy!”

Which in less polite terms is ‘why the fuck you on my island??’

At this point, Wasp secretly flies up to Cap and tells him she’s okay.

It’s good to reassure him that she’s not a second hostage but. There was no reason in the plot for her to have entered the base. She accomplishes no things. She arguably makes things worst but its only arguably because she didn’t alert the Yellow Claw any more than Vision already did.

I would have liked if she had tried to free Vision or sabotaged Yellow Claw’s security system or something but that’s not the direction the plot was going.

Anyway.

Yellow Claw asked a question so Cap answers. He tells Yellow Claw that the Avengers are here because they received a distress call from a woman named Shu Han who says she’s being held captive.

Yellow Claw is actually surprised. Possibly dismayed.

He recovers himself quickly and has Shu Han brought in so the Avengers can see she’s not under restraint.

She wasn’t brought to this island to be a prisoner! She was brought to be his bride!

Easy mistake to make, honestly!

Wonder Man points out the should-be-obvious that hey kidnapping is kidnapping even if its for nuptials but Yellow Claw is like ha ha kidnapping no no, Shu Han fill this dumbo in.

And it is. A story.

Shu Han: “I... I wasn’t exactly... kidnapped. You see, when I was very young, a man came to my father’s farm, and, as was custom in my country, an arrangement was made. To be less delicate... I was bought!

“Over the years, I all but forgot the arrangement, as I turned my thoughts and energies towards excelling in athletics, and in science.

“But then, some weeks ago, I was approached by agents of Master Claw, and was brought here. I was frightened, but didn’t know what to do. And so I secretly sent a message, hoping for you help.”

Shu Han has that mix of super good at science and sports you see in superheroes but she’s a normal genius person living her life. It’s going to be weird if she just never shows up again. But also: good for her.

Yellow Claw is just so disappointed that she dragged some randos into their interpersonal drama. And we can see now that the proposal he was proposing at her was “marry me.”

Yellow Claw: “Shu Han, I wished you no harm. I am old -- even my potions cannot stay the hand of death much longer -- and I fervently desired an heir to carry my name when that hand fell.

“Thus I offered you wealth, power, the prestige of sitting at my side. And now you repay me with treachery, with cowardice... with dishonor.

“You wish your freedom that much? Very well, then -- you shall have it!

“Go! For I’ve no desire to take an unwilling bride!”

Yellow Claw: May be a supervillain but is big into consent. I mean, except for the part where he bought a child.

Yellow Claw: May be a supervillain but is big into consent when the alternative is superheroes hanging around.

Shu Han doesn’t look super burned by his speech so maybe that’s why he does what he does. He klaps to bring out a bunch of backup wives to prove that he’s not so hurt by rejection. And that he’s got ‘mad game.’

Yellow Claw: “As you can see, there are others more amenable to that lofty position! So, Avengers, you have what you came for. Please don’t let me delay your departure any longer.”

Or in less polite terms ‘GTFO!’

Cap points out that obviously they’re not going to just leave without Vision so Yellow Claw has some goons carry out Vision like a potato sack.

Iron Man and Wonder Man carry Vision with Iron Man warning that he’s not just going to forget Yellow Claw even though the guy claims he just wants to spend his final years in peace with his pile of wives.

And a good call to not take the guy strictly at his word.

As soon as the Avengers are gone Yellow Claw all about mwahahahahas and says that now his evil plan can commence.

Yellow Claw: “No, Dr. Liu, having one less wife should not effect the project appreciably. For the others, hand-picked like Shu Han for their superior genetic traits, will all give me sons, strong sons whom I will train in the arcane ways.

“Then, when they reach manhood, they shall fight each other, until only the most worthy, the strongest, survives! And it shall be he who shall inherit my destiny! The conquest and eradication of the western world!

“Yes, the plan is still sound, and there shall be no defense against it! For my children, doctor -- SHALL BE THE LAST CHILDREN ON EARTH!”

As far as evil plans go, having a bunch of babies so they can fight to the death is pretty evil even before the conquest thing. And the last children on Earth thing.

Follow @essential-avengers. Or don’t. Honestly, I can’t blame you if you don’t. Throw me a like if you read and liked so I can get a sense of how many people read and liked, if you like.

[florrickandassociates]

TGF Thoughts: 4x05-- The Gang Goes to War

under the cut

This episode starts with Caleb and I don’t totally hate it. This means the writers are doing a good job with him so far. I’m surprised I feel that way considering I loathe the plot he’s here for. 

This is the first case heavy episode in ages and I have more thoughts on the fact that somehow the space from 6x19 has become military court than I do on the case. As always, that’s not to say it’s bad (tbh, this case was the exact right blend of simple and captivating it reminded me of old school TGW). It’s just to say I have literally nothing to add.

Lucca’s off to visit Bianca. She is still extremely uncomfortable with very wealthy people. 

Oh, a mention of babysitting! Kind of sad I’m surprised. 

I forgot to mention that this ep is on the shorter side, almost network length. Woo! 

Lucca describes her life as “I have a toddler. I’m trying to make partner.” Remember how last season either Lucca or Rosalyn (or MAIA hhahahahhahahaahahhahaahahahhahahahaahahhaahhaah) were going to be made partner and that plot just vanished?

Lucca says that of work, family, fitness, friends, and sleep, the three she’s chosen are work, family, and sleep. I believe it. Though we’ve seen Lucca exercise probably more than most TGF characters? But that was before she had a baby. 

If you leave your phone on while you’re on a plane and someone places a voice call would your phone actually ring? 

Marissa TOTALLY has a crush on Caleb.

Oh, a Francesca mention AND a mention of Lucca and Marissa being friends?! The continuity fairy likes me today!!!!!!!! 

Caleb threatens to quit (I think he knows he wouldn’t be taken up on that offer) unless Mr. Firth lets him take a month for this case. Come on, Caleb. This is TV lawyering. This case will take two costume changes and you know it! Months are a thing for real lawyers. 

Diane and Adrian aren’t in their offices, so when Firth finds a partner to assist on the military case (I do not understand why this is a thing he is doing in the first place, but alright), it’s Liz. How conveniently awkward!

(Adrian just isn’t in this episode-- he is apparently at a conference in New York-- and Diane is barely in it, and I’m fine with that. LET LIZ AND LUCCA SHINE!) 

(Liz and Lucca are my faves, if that wasn’t obvious.) 

Awkward awkward awkward, fucking your boss is very awkward. I hate everything about this plot in theory and yet somehow like Liz, Caleb, and maybe even the idea of Liz and Caleb, but every time I think about the boss/employee dynamic my only thought is: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Liz’s divorce! Continuity fairy has blessed me again!

I do really like Caleb. 

I somehow almost turned that last thought into a rant about Maia and I’m not gonna do that to y’all in this Maia-free season.

Rich people are getting away with more shit in Julius’s court. He’s resigned to it, until he meets his alter-ego from the play again. I get that they want to use this device to show why he’d change his mind so suddenly but omfg please don’t remind me of the last episode. 

My first thought was “maybe that long ass episode was even longer and this is a cut scene” but Julius seems to be wearing a different tie in this scene than he was before. Oof.

JUDGE KUHN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love Judge Kuhn. I think I said this last week but it isn’t often we get truly good, considered characters who want the best and actually take fair steps to see it happen. Judge Kuhn is great. 

And so is the actress playing her. Her expression as the seat shrinks-- which is some Kingsian bullshit-- makes the joke work. 

This episode relies a lot on that device Jane the Virgin loved where back to back scenes will be linked by a theme or a word. In this case, Julius and Liz/Caleb are both dealing with continuances. Yay for structure, even a simple case related structure!

“A sofa would have blown up here”... I can’t, y’all. “A conference table would have blown up here”. Is this a joke about coronavirus or a real need for more graphics or both? I lean towards it being a joke, but before I say that lemme play these credits side by side with last week’s… 

Okay so there are differences. Last week there was an aerial view of a wine bottle exploding while this week there’s a second one in the background. They replaced an exploding coffee set with the sofa text. There are some other differences too. But not enough to convince me they didn’t have footage they could have used. So I think it’s a joke.

Welcome back, season two Diane. I missed you, ya weirdo! 

(But like actually Diane is staring out the window at a bird, not doing anything or responding to questions. Why so weird?!)

Now that Diane isn’t hunting down answers on 618, she has “nothing to do.” Oh, suddenly no one in the world is in need of pro-bono assistance? Sure! 

Continuity on the SWATting, too! 

AND A WILL REFERENCE.This episode may be nothing special but it sure is endearing. 

Diane explains that Judge Kuhn is tough but fair and Will ended up liking her. That’s a pretty good summary.

Diane spots the woman who she dreamed was Weinstein’s lawyer in a meeting, drawing dots. Guess that’s one of the drawbacks of having windows everywhere. She chases her up the stairs to STRL and asks if they know each other because, and I quote, “I had a dream and you were in it. You were Weinstein’s lawyer.” HOW FUCKING WEIRD ARE YOU TRYING TO BE, DIANE? Are you microdosing again?! (This feels so season two.)

Props to this lady (do we know her name? Has it been said on the show) for taking that weird-ass comment in stride and joking she probably didn’t do very well. She needs a favor-- she has a case in front of Judge Cain and wants Diane to sit with her.

Diane asks about the dots. Apparently this lady draws-- and counts!-- dots. Hundreds of thousands of them. During meetings. Because it’s calming and nothing matters. See?! Season two! 

Lucca does get a little bit of work to do on vacation-- Bianca wants to buy the resort.

Case stuff happens.

Someone explain to me what the fuck this bright neon lighting in the office late at night is all about. Why is it so bright?! Why do the colors change!? Am I just supposed to accept this?! I suppose it’s no weirder than a woman who draws dots instead of taking notes-- and admits to it-- but WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

I know there is supposed to be some sort of parallel between the case having an element about disobeying your superior and the Liz/Caleb dynamic, but as you will recall, I hate everything about the boss/employee plot AND find it incredibly boring so if you would like to see analysis of that parallel… I’m not your gal. 

Oh look I can see the office bathroom of Willicia sexytimes in Liz’s office

My god this lighting is distracting. 

It sounds to me like Caleb is in the legal field for idealistic reasons. I can’t get a sense of if wanting the country to stay the same is liberal or conservative or admirable or misguided but it’s definitely something. (I have a feeling he means “stay the same” as in “return to 2016” though.) 

Since she has not been in the military, Liz worries out loud that she hasn’t lived much of a life. This leads to flirting and intimacy and another hookup. Bleh.

Creeper from Kurt’s office comes to visit Julius and compliments him while basically telling him to keep quiet and be corrupt. He promises Julius the chance to move up the ladder and implies Julius should rule in favor of some rich donor. 

Julius, who, like all characters on this show and maybe just people in general, does NOT like being told what to do, promptly does the opposite. And he feels really, really, really good about doing the right thing. 

Case stuff happens.

Lucca now gets invited to play poker with a bunch of millionaires and celebrities. Lucca is highly uncomfortable. The names of the celebs are bleeped which is… not as clever as I think it was meant to be.

Also I’d be uncomfortable in this situation too. I’m just ready for this plotline to go somewhere beyond “Lucca is uncomfortable with rich people”.

Recapping goes fast when most of the show is case stuff.

In another throwback, Diane (lit by the weird lighting) is watching what looks like a parody of SNL allowing 45 to host? Or maybe it’s just some unfunny bit that goes on too long? Odd target for a parody at this point in time.

Whatever the point, it prompts Diane to start drawing dots of her own. 

Lucca’s luck at the poker game is fantastic. Bianca encourages Lucca to keep her winnings-- she wouldn’t give back a stuffed animal or goldfish won with someone else’s money at a carnival, would she? 

Case stuff, now involving 45, happens. This is a missing season two episode, I swear. 

Wow lol those establishing shots and stock footage do NOT convince me that Lucca lives in Chicago. Nor do they convince me that anyone involved with the show has visited Chicago.

Case stuff happens! 

Another Lucca and Marissa scene! Lucca asks what to do about her poker winnings. Marissa says Lucca should keep the money because Bianca doesn’t need it-- get Bianca a gift if she feels guilty. 

Diane sits next to the seemingly nameless lawyer and they compare their dots. Unfortunately for Diane, the case she’s decided to sit in on as a favor? It’s another case in front of Julius, and it also gets 618’d. How convenient for the plot! When Julius doesn’t go for it, Diane is intrigued and reenergized. She boldly goes to Julius’s chambers to suggest trading info about 618.

No matter how many times I write “618” in the context of Memo 618 I still think 618 = Loser Edit. 

Case stuff happens! It’s good for Caleb and Liz! 

MALCOLM GETS MENTIONED BY NAME! CONTINUITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Caleb and Liz continue the tradition of using meals as code for sex and now I have to watch them kiss. Pass.

Lucca gets Bianca a gift of a goldfish and a giant stuffed bear (a reference to their earlier convo about carnivals). Cute, but I still don’t quite get where this plot is going.

There’s a “Skye and Moon” logo on the plane. I wonder if that is the name of Bianca’s cosmetics empire.

Oh, it’s over. This episode was perfectly fine. Nothing challenging, nothing innovative, but a solid and enjoyable outing closer in length to the average TGW ep than the average TGF one. After last week’s long-ass episode, this is really all I wanted/needed. 

[crowned-ladybug]

So I said I wanted to see demon AUs that aren’t smut and that I sadly don’t have the energy to make my own rn, and then I went ahead and accidentally made one anyway

So here’s some incomplete notes on it. It’s 2.7k words. I’m so sorry.

Local dumbass heir to the throne (Joseph) doesn’t Wanna be a heir to the throne bc it’s Boring he’s always wanted to be an Adventurer but here he is anyway. Then one night he gets drunk off his ass and manages to?? accidentally summon a demon??? in his friend’s Magic Lab???

(The friend is Avdol and he’s v v tired of Joseph’s shit)

fuckin Joseph made a drunk deal with a demon who Absolutely saw nothing against making a deal with the royal heir currently drunk off his ass bc hey, free deal

luckily the deal wasn’t for Joseph’s soul or firstborn child or half his kingdom or whatever. Instead the deal is a magical bond between Joseph and the demon that allows the demon to share in Joseph’s life energy/general basic human magic and thus be able to exist in the human world in a stable form without having to go home to rest every once in a while or having to maintain like ten spells Just In Case

the demon is doing this whole deal thing bc 1) he Has to, it’s kind of his Job and 2) he’s looking for vengance on a gang of demon hunters who have killed his family but since they’re human, he needs a way into the human world for a longer term to be able to hunt them down

the demon is Caesar in case you haven’t figured that out yet

Joseph is a lot less concerned about having made a deal with a Literal Demon than he should be. He thinks it’s p hilarious actually and Caesar immediately starts having regrets (he’d bond with Avdol over it if he were willing to lower himself to the level of Measly Mortals)

the fun thing is that bc he’s tied to Joseph magically to allow him to freely exist in the human world, Caesar can’t get out of a few mile radius of him, which kinda makes his plans to hunt down the demon hunters (*cough* Pillar Men *cough*) a lot harder and Joseph even more annoying to deal with

the logical solution to that is to pass Caesar off as a servant Joseph befriends, so that he can stay in the castle, and then eventually they can go off on some adventure together to defeat the Pillar Men (or, well, so that Caesar can defeat the Pillar Men while keeping Joseph at arm’s length) which would also mean that Joseph can Finally get his big adventure he’s been dreaming about

then Joseph gets the genius idea to kill even More birds with one stone and decides that Caesar should pretend to be his bf bc all the annoying ass nobles and shit won’t leave him alone about not having a partner and “oh no, you’re of age now, what will happen if you have to take the throne but have no queen by your side?” and everyone keeps trying to woo him and it was fun at first but now it’s just goddamn Tiring

Caesar agrees to it eventually bc Anything as long as Joseph lets him do his research on the Pillar Men in peace. He doesn’t really realise what fake-dating the annoying bastard entails until he’s already too deep into it and he kinda literally can’t go back on his promises to Joseph, being a contract-bound demon

(Caesar looks like a proper demon normally but he Can disguise himself as p much entirely human-looking if he needs to. It takes energy tho, so he reverts back to his demonic looks whenever he’s safe from prying eyes, or if he’s unconscious)

they’re essentially fake-married for magic tax benefits it’s so great

there’s Definitely some Magic Soulbond Shenanigans along the line of “if one gets hurt the other also feels it”

they find out that Caesar reverts to his demonic form when asleep when he pulls two all-nighters in a row looking for information on the Pillar Men and passes out in Avdol’s study, scaring the shit out of poor Avdol. After that they manage to land a room for him in the castle with some lie about him having travelled here from faraway lands (technically true) and having nowhere else to stay (also technically true), but he also spends a lot of his time in Avdol’s study and Joseph’s room without his disguise, solely for convenience’s sake

they ofc have to fool Everyone with the fake dating, including Joseph’s family, bc No One else can know that Caesar is a demon on a quest for vengeance. The worst, most unexpected part for Caesar is that Queen Erina and Lord Speedwagon actually seem to like him?? they’re just genuinely nice to him??? simply bc he’s around Joseph and bc they find him likeable??? he did Not expect Anyone to be nice to him in the human world, what the Fuck, he doesn’t know how to Deal With That

Suzi is Technically a servant but she’s been Joseph’s friend since they were lil kids so she was essentially raised alongside him and they’re best friends and Suzi can only keep Joseph out of dumb shit like half the time bc the other half she’s right there in it with him

she is Entirely unfazed by Caesar, sees through the pretend relationship in like two minutes and knows immeditely that Something Is Up. When she accidentally catches Caesar in his demon form while checking to make sure he’s not stacking all-nighters again, she doesn’t even bat an eye (meanwhile Caesar’s thoughts are entirely “oh fuck do I have to kill her now, Joseph’s gonna kill me if I do, oh fuck, oh fuck”) just tells him to go to sleep on time and then leaves (to call Joseph out on getting himself into even deeper shit than she’d originally thought)

look idk what he does or what relevance he ends up having to the plot but Polnareff is also there, he’s a dumbass knight who’s the reason Joseph knows how to Not fight properly (bc Polnareff has a shitton of dumb tricks and Joseph knows all of them) and has a giant crush on Avdol

god there’s just. A Shitton of dumb shenanigans during their time in the castle, both with the fake-dating (like having to teach Caesar proper royal etiquette and him getting Very confused and flustered when Joseph casually flirts with him) and with hiding Caesar being a demon (they have so many stupid close calls and make so many dumb decisions they Really Shouldn’t, it’s great)

when the time comes to go and find and kill the Pillar Men, it’s only Caesar and Joseph going bc Caesar doesn’t want any more ppl in this mission than absolutely necessary, totally not bc they’re his friends and he worries about them or anything

they get some tips on where to look and how to get there from this weird adventurer dude who passes through the castle on his travels every once in a while. Joseph’s only met him in passing but he thinks he seems fun and has his own dumbass theory that he’s totally some runaway royalty or something. Instead turns out that the dude is half demon and actually related to Caesar and Caesar, being an orphan and all, had thought finding a remaining member of his family would be Way more thrilling but no this dude is just as weird and annoying as Joseph so he’d like a refund pls

(the dude’s Gyro. Ofc it’s fuckin Gyro. Johnny’s there too somewhere I just haven’t figured that out yet. He might actually be the top horse trainer/caretaker/whatever of the castle and the True reason Gyro travels this way every time is bc he’s smitten as hell)

while Gyro gives them some advice he also tells them that hey. Maybe you shouldn’t do this?? esp not just the two of you??? Considering the Pillar Men are known to be ruthless and Very good at killing demons

ofc these idiots Don’t Listen and go after them together anyway

the plan technically is that Joseph stays a safe distance away while Caesar goes and fights the Pillar Men and Totally wins but like. ofc he doesn’t listen and refuses to stay on his ass and let Caesar leave so they go in together anyway

they manage to find Santana alone and Actually Kill Him but it’s a close one, much tougher than anticipated bc as I said before, these dudes are Really Good at killing demons and also just killing in general. It’s also when Caesar realises the full scope of the “if one gets hurt, the other also feels it” part of his bond with Joseph bc Joseph gets hurt worse during the battle and Caesar is so shocked by his own reaction to it that he’s frozen for a moment and it almost costs him his life

that night when they’re camping out after the battle, Joseph reveals that a long while ago he figured out how to break their magic bond without it hurting either of them or sending Caesar right back to his own world. it’s some old spell he found in one of Avdol’s books or something, idk, and at first he’d kept it hidden from Everyone bc he was starting to really like Caesar but knew that Caesar was only around him out of necessity (not true actually but Caesar hid and denied his growing fondness for v v long) and he didn’t want him to leave the moment he realised he Could, even if it was v v selfish of him and he feels like shit about it now. And then later on when it turned out that they’re gonna see this quest through together anyway, he figured it didn’t matter anymore and so he kinda just forgot about it

but he’s remembered it again before they left and packed what he needs for it as a grim Just In Case (and it may or may not be a weird red gem bc yknow, but idk yet) and now he offers to break the bond already bc of how him getting hurt almost got Caesar killed. But Caesar tells him not to, bc it doesn’t matter now and a spell like that would probably take a lot of energy out of both of them when they need everything they’ve got for the upcoming battles

in reality he doesn’t want the bond broken bc it makes him feel like he’s got a right and a reason to stay, without having to fully face just how much he cares about Joseph, and bc it makes sure that Joseph is never far from him and lets him know if he’s hurt and maybe like this he can somehow protect him from getting hurt again

spoiler alert: he can’t

the fight with the other three Pillar Men doesn’t go their way at all. I mean it’s 3 vs 2 and the 3 are Very Good at killing so it should be Expected, but they’re young and dumb and Caesar is stubborn and still thirsting for revenge and if Joseph can’t hold him back then at least he can stay with him

they both get badly hurt and when it looks like it’s just it for both of them, Joseph brings out that spell again and breaks their bond before Caesar could tell him to stop and tells Caesar to run, to get away and don’t even fucking look back, just Go. When Caesar tries to object, Joseph tells him that he’s not dying just so Caesar can get himself killed too and Caesar is too scared to do anything but listen and run as Joseph leaves himself no escape and takes another two of the Pillar Men down with him before Caesar could figure out a way to save him

Joseph survives, Somehow, minus a hand anyway. He wakes up again in his own room in the castle and he has No Idea how he got back or who even found him and his best guess is that Gyro and Johnny have followed them and lbr Avdol’s magic has probably had a part to play in it too

and Caesar is just. Gone. Separated from Joseph and already weak from the fight, he didn’t have enough magic left to remain in the human world for long and thus got pulled back into his own world, and being just a normal demon, he can’t even cross back over without being summoned. But Joseph doesn’t know any of that, he just knows that Caesar is Gone and he strongly doubts he’s coming back bc he hasn’t already and he’s p damn heartbroken about it

meanwhile Caesar isn’t having much better of a time in his own world either. Bc nothing went well, Nothing, but he realises that he doesn’t even care about his revenge plan anymore, he doesn’t care about hunting Kars down and avenging his family. But he’s just lost the only family he’s had Again, the ppl in the castle this time, and he’s stuck here without any way back unless someone accidentally summons him again, and for what he knows Joseph had died to save him and Caesar didn’t even get to say goodbye or bury him

this v shitty state lasts until Joseph’s desperation + a lil nudge from Avdol and Suzi gets him to try summoning Caesar again (bc Joseph decides that if he gets no response at all, if the spell fails, it means Caesar’s really just Gone and he hadn’t made it out alive after all, but having definite knowledge of that will still be better than just Not Knowing and hoping for the rest of his life)

Avdol lets him take his study all to himself and so Joseph settles in during the afternoon and gets to finding the spell which is Not Easy bc he’d been drunk off his ass when he’d first found and performed it. He’s starting to lose hope and think that maybe the spell doesn’t even Exist in Avdol’s books, he’d just butchered a completely different spell and that’s how he got to Caesar, when he Finally finds it, and it’s almost midnight at that point and he’s Exhausted and Scared and Sad and he just Wants This To Work

the spell asks for an offering for the demon’s services, and the first time around Joseph had said something like “idk name your price” which is how Caesar had got the bond he needed (tho Joseph doesn’t actually remember this)

this time he just says “anything” which is a p dumb thing to offer when making a deal with a Literal Demon but he doesn’t care, this is Caesar, he trusts him and he loves him and he’d damn right give anything to just know that he’s okay and maybe get to see him again

and the spell Works it fuckin Works even if it takes a moment and there’s a flash of light and then suddenly there’s Caesar, sitting on the ground in Avdol’s study in all his demonic glory, blinking as his eyes adjust to the dim light and until he sees Joseph sitting on the ground in front of him, crying. And from then on it’s just a big “i thought I lost you” reunion moment that’s so happy it Hurts. They stay sitting on the floor for Hours despite it being late at night, just pressed together and talking about anything and just enjoying each others presence bc they’ve missed each other and thought they’d never see each other again

the next morning Avdol finds them sitting against the wall in a pile and fast asleep and decides to take the day off and goes to find Suzi and Polnareff to tell them the news

idk where the rest of the plot goes yet bc Kars is still out there and Erina and Speedwagon still don’t know about the whole demon thing but have this for now