#maybe its just me but whenever i try look up something queer related and click a link to a quora question i see answers that border on hate | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

neighbourhoodwaifu · 5 months ago

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For me I've always had the problem of mirroring people I see on TV, subtly adopting some of their mentality or traits if I'm exposed to them too long and relate to them on some level. It usually goes away after I stop watching the show. Typically protagonists I watch are men, and if they're cool or relatable I mirror them a little. I don't think I've mirrored many women on shows or movies. But I definitely easily connect with them. The one that comes to mind is Ripely from Alien. She's just a person, she's not a "girlboss" or something it has nothing to do with that. But she's so cool.

I also have always been fascinated by shows like Sailor Moon. I remember being a kid and wishing I could transform the way Sailor Moon does. I saw myself in her because she was pale and had blue eyes blonde hair like me. I didn't understand that this was weird for a while. I grew up to reject my more girly habits, and honestly became homophobic and a bit transphobic during my teenage years. Despite having weird fantasies. Lots of self loathing there.

The point is its been so hard to reconcile everything in my head and my life experiences because there's so much conflicting information. When I look in the mirror, and have a light beard and stern look, I think I look pretty good. Sometimes. But I look at my body and I want to be skinnier. I want to be curvier. I want to be sexy like a woman. Not like a man. But I've never been fit in a masculine way. Maybe I'd love myself how I am if I worked out more. But then I've always hated shopping, and never really liked clothes. Never really clicked. I ended up buying things I felt would make me look good for other people rather than for myself. Oftentimes I would lean toward things that broke the mould of what men typically wear. Like lots of pinks and pastels instead of blues and blacks. But it never felt like me. It felt like a costume. Like i was trying to fit in. When all I really wanted to do was throw on a shirt or sweater and some jeans or something. And women were so lucky because they have such amazing clothing and look so pretty or sexy or beautiful... and I think I resented help my wife pick out clothes because I was jealous. But it also would be fun to dress her up the way I want? Like... holy shit.

I am self diagnosed autistic. Shoot me. If you spent 10 years with me like my wife has you'd agree I'm autistic. I think people have always known, especially when I was younger and hadn't learned to cope or mask or fit in. None of it comes naturally to me and I'm not always "in" on what's going on. I've had to brute force my way to understanding by listening and shutting up for the first half of my life. Now I'm pretty good at navigating. But I think ive been holding back and pretending for so long that I never really found out who I am. And I think I've been depressed because I'm not really being what I want to be, just checking off the boxes everyday. And whenever I've had a wrongthink moment I've been scared of people judging me and thinking less of me. There so many threads and veins that interconnect and create this confusing concoction of emotions and holdbacks.

I think another problem I have is that I don't really FEEL my emotions right away BUT I will act on them in the moment. It's like the emotional side of my brain is living separately and just does whatever it wants with my body without me knowing until it shows itself. I don't cry much anymore except when really tragic things happen. But I have always had anger issues. Probably because of the autism, mostly. But also probably from not feeling comfortable expressing my emotions. Holding back tears. Holding back honest reactions and beliefs. It makes sense. It's not like I've had a terrible upbringing or friend group either. My family has been open to us being queer for a long time, and my friends are often queer. But the shame and fear of fantasizing about being a woman still remained my whole life. I've always seen it as a perverse fantasy rather than maybe a sense of desire to express my true self. Probably because of puberty. And my sexual attraction to women. I guess I couldn't tell the difference between gender envy and sexual attraction. Especially since I've never been sexually attracted to a man ever. So being a straight man was just obvious and simple. No extra steps needed. And I got a wife who loves me for me. And she's fine with whatever I want to do because she's probably asexual but she's worried because it seems sudden to her since I never really showed any of this. I never really considered it a realistic option. I assumed I never could be... but... I could... and it's the only life I have. I've though "I hope my next life is a woman, that'd be fun" but... there is no next life... so... if I want to be one I have to do it now. And I can. There are ways to do it. It doesn't have to he a fantasy. And worst case scenario I have to spend some money to undo some of the effects if I want to go back to being a man. But I don't think I would... because I don't like my face. I don't like my body. And I don't think getting toned and fit will remove all the apathy I have. Being healthy is good, but I think it's deeper than that.

I'm tired of living how I'm supposed to and want to live more hedonistically. I'm not a hedonist, but I want to embrace my natural desires more. If I want to buy a cute article of clothing I should just do it. If I want some cutesy item I should get it. But I don't want to gaslight myself and give into stereotypes. I want it to be my genuine desires. It's so hard to avoid falling into traps of "pretend" when my whole life has been some level of pretending. Putting on a show. I'm performing an act and the character is me. I just want to be me. I just want to be.

#egg #trans #autism #autistic #egg irl #transgender #mtf

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ambermation · 4 years ago

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Part of Me (Lance x Fem!Child!Reader)

A Spies in Disguise Fanfic!

Key:

Y/N = Your Name

N/N = Nickname

B/F/N = Best Friend Name

3542 Words

~~~~~~~~

𝕀 𝕒𝕞 𝕓𝕣𝕒𝕧𝕖, 𝕀 𝕒𝕞 𝕓𝕣𝕦𝕚𝕤𝕖𝕕

𝕀 𝕒𝕞 𝕨𝕙𝕠 𝕀'𝕞 𝕞𝕖𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖, 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕚𝕤 𝕞𝕖

~~~~~~~~

You didn't think much of the way you felt towards girls. You assumed they were just platonic- sisterly, even- feelings. When you were younger, and had only been going to school for a few years now, had always preferred having a female partner to work with. You thought that most, if not all, of the girls in your class were quite pretty. The fact you thought you were a plain Jane, physically of course (and you still think this), boosted these thoughts. You were a shy little girl, and had managed to make a very outgoing, extroverted friend.

(B/F/N).

She helped you come out of your shyness a bit and slowly you started talking more and more. But since hardly anyone talked directly to you during work time or out on the playground you didn't get to talk much. It's funny considering the fact that at home, you talked to your uncle all the time. Sometimes you talked to other relatives, usually when they came for a visit from California (they moved there shortly after you were born, which is unrelated to the reason why btw), and even the many different women uncle Lance would bring home. Typically they'd come over at least three times, maybe four if they're lucky, and then you'd never see them again.

Back to you, since you were a genius like your biological father, you were able to start middle school at seven, start high school at eight, and now you're going to graduate at twelve years old. Half way through Freshman year of high school and you managed to make what you call "school buddies", who are people you don't really hang out with outside of school but you kind of do inside of school. (You did make two friends that you hang out with and talk to outside of school though other than your BFF.) They were chill, and most of them had conversations about nearly anything with everyone who wants to join included.

Sometimes they would talk about their relationships, breakups, crushes, and even their sexuality. When someone had started asking everyone what their sexual orientation was, you felt a flash of panic before calmly remembering that your were straight. Obviously you were. You had crushes on countless fictional guys and occasionally you'd find a random guy to be attractive. You thinking girls were cute and pretty had nothing to do with your sexuality and you were just being nice. You thought this way your whole life and never doubted the way you thought.

Of course, this was before you started to learn even more about sexual orientation.

Since the beginning of the year, when you first started to hang out with your school buddies, you managed to learn so much more about the LGBTQIA+ community than ever before since a lot of them were in it. At first, you barely talked and mainly listened to the discussions they would have, yet slowly you started talking more. You joined and even started a few conversations. It was just interesting to you.

Your school friends had brought up the word bisexual before, heck two of them were bi, and its definition was easy for you to understand. However, learning more about sexual preferences didn't immediately make you realize your own sexuality. You continued to read X Readers with guy characters, but one day you decided to read an x Reader for a female character you really loved. You figured it'd be cute, and it was, and thought nothing of that. Man, for a genius, you can be pretty dense sometimes, am I right? Because it wasn't until you were daydreaming at home one day about another female character you love did you realize something. You didn't notice what you were actually daydreaming until it suddenly clicked.

You would love to have her as a girlfriend if she were real. You'd love to have so many characters as girlfriends. You were attracted to both girls and boys. You're..bisexual? The thought was just curious, as if you were asked what's your favorite color, then you gave your answer, and then the person was confirming what you said. If that makes any sense. Being bisexual made sense to you and explained the way you felt towards girls and guys.

So you believed yourself to be bi without the courage, or need, to tell anyone. It's not like you didn't want people to know, well kind of; some people were were really against the LGBTQIA+ community, but that's besides the point, your friends would accept you. You just felt like you'd make a big deal out of nothing. But it wasn't nothing to you. It was a special nothing! It was a part of you that you wanted others to know about. And then the worried thoughts came in. How would your dad react?

You could never tell how he felt towards the queer. The two of you wouldn't really talk exclusively about the community; it just came up with other topics and even then you wouldn't even dip your toes into those discussions. It wasn't on purpose, it just came and went with the natural flow of the conversation. Dad seemed like he was neutral. But you weren't sure.

And, up until two months ago, you were thinking of ways to come out as bisexual to your dad. You stopped thinking of how to come out as bisexual due to your friends. After talking with your friends at lunch one day you learned another sexuality. Pansexual. Since you hadn't heard that word before you asked what it meant. At first, the way it was explained confused you. You didn't understand what your friend was saying, so another friend stepped in and explained in much easier to understand terms. The word pansexual kept ringing in your head, and once you got home you got on your computer and did some more research; research such as differences between bisexual and pansexual.

Shortly after researching the differences you understood that they were different. With a better understanding of pansexual you came to another realization; You didn't really care about someone's gender, you just cared if they loved you and cared about you the same way you would love and care for them. Thanks to your friend, you knew now that you were pansexual, not bisexual.

Great. Now you just had to come out as pansexual to dad!

Yaaaaaaayyy... Notice the sarcasm? Yeah you didn't know how to come out when you thought you were bi so you wouldn't know how to come out as pan.

~~~~~~~~

𝕀 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕪𝕠𝕦'𝕣𝕖 𝕤𝕔𝕒𝕣𝕖𝕕 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕦𝕟𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨𝕟

𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕕𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕟𝕒 𝕓𝕖 𝕒𝕝𝕠𝕟𝕖

𝕀 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕀 𝕒𝕝𝕨𝕒𝕪𝕤 𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕖 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕘𝕠

𝔹𝕦𝕥 𝕚𝕥'𝕤 𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕞𝕪 𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕝

~~~~~~~~

(A/N: I'm using the word "daddy" even though reader is twelve because she's a rich kid. She's a bit spoiled too but she's a nice spoiled kid, you know? And I'm using it as a subconscious expression of the reader not having to grow up too much since she's related to the Lance Sterling. I imagine he's got a lot of money because have you even seen his car? And the fact there's the Sterling Private Jet Hanger? His Air pods? Dude's loaded. I chose to have Lance live in a very nice house that looks fancy but also quite normal (to blend in) because...why not? I felt the need to explain why I chose to use daddy instead of dad, father, etc. Also I felt like the lyrics above relate to the whole story I have for the reader, just not in the same context as the song they're from which is Sunflower.)

Reader POV:

Why am I making such a big deal out of this? I mean, it's kind of a big deal. It's my sexuality and I don't know how daddy will react. I want him to know though. I try to think of what I'll say to him and when.

"Daddy? I've got something important to say. Well, it's important to me at least, and I was hoping that you'd understand or would try to understand. I'm pansexual."

I shook my head, pinching the bridge of my nose. "No, that doesn't sound right to me. What can I say... to lead up to me saying 'I'm pansexual'?" I paced around my room, continuing to think of ways to come out. I'm not sure how daddy will respond to 'I have something important to say' other than making a joke. Probably. Even then I'm not sure what kind of joke he'd make. This was stupidly difficult and I wished I had the courage to just simply say it without any build up.

"That'd make things a lot easier if I could." I muttered, stopping my pacing to to sit down. I was planning on writing it down on paper, but instead I put my face in my hands and let out a disgruntled groan. Half of me was just screaming to simply say it whenever seemed like the best time while the other half was cowering in the corner of my mind bawling.

I get up from my desk so I can flop down on to my bed. If I can't figure out what to do then I'll just curl up under my blankets all cozy until I'm forced to get out. I struggle to keep my eyes open and soon enough I succumb to a dreamless sleep.

I wake up to someone shaking me, their hands on my back and my shoulder.

"Hey, come on N/N, time to eat," A voice said. In my sleepy state I couldn't recognize the voice.

I mumble nonsense in response, searching and grabbing my blanket to pull it over me. I snuggle into the warmth of my bed, not wanting to leave. Before I could even stop it, my blanket was pulled off of me and thrown to the floor. My head snaps to look at my daddy. He looks at me with a deadpan look.

"You up now?" He asked. I groan and drop my head on to my pillow. "No." I answer, closing my eyes. Right after I do that I feel daddy's hands grab on to my wrists. He then starts pulling me up and away from my bed. I move like a ragdoll. "There's no napping before dinner. After dinner? Maybe. But not before. Now come on." Daddy says, still dragging me. I fall to the floor. Alright, that's enough. I pull out of his strong grip and stand up.

"Alright, alright! Geez..." I drag my hand up my face, swaying a little. "Why were you even napping?" He asks. I shrug. "I curled up in bed, and next thing I know you're waking me up," I try shooting him a glare, "Thanks by the way. I could've just ate later, when I woke up," I huff. Daddy laughs. "Aw, you don't want to spend time with your old man anymore? Man, I thought I had a few more years." He looks at me in mock sadness. I lightly shove him as I head towards the door.

"No need to be so dramatic." I tease. You're almost my best friend." We head down the hallway, side by side. Daddy laughs. "Almost?" He asks. I nod. As we're walking down the winding staircase I explain.

"Obviously (B/F/N)'s my best friend."

"Oh yeah...she's a strange one. But at least she's nice."

"Correction! She's nice, a total sweetheart, funny, witty, weird, dorky, and very smart."

"Uh, right. How's she doing?"

"From what she's told me, she's doing alright. She also jokes that I could do her science and math homework for her, of course I'm not and she doesn't mean it, but still," I answer, just as we reach the bottom of the stairs. "You're way too smart to being doing somebody else's homework, right Y/N?" Daddy asked. I nodded.

We talked some more as we reached the dining room/area. We were having Chinese takeout tonight and it smelled wonderful! We sat down and began to eat. In the back of my mind I was thinking about coming out, a thought that was slowly becoming more and more prominent until it was the one thing I was thinking about. We were talking, but as I thought about coming out more and more I started to talk less. I, of course, didn't know this. It wasn't until daddy snapped me out of my thought did I realize I kind of just...stopped responding to him. I look at him. Immediately I see amusement and some concern in his eyes.

"Honey, you got your head in the clouds or something?" He asked with amusement. I shake my head. "Nah, just thinking about something," I said, taking another bite of my food. "About what?" Daddy inquired. Of course he wants to know. "Something," I answer reticenty.

"Are you gonna tell me what this 'something' is?"

I pause, debating whether or not to tell him. Eh, sure, why not? I feel myself tense slightly.

"Well, I... it's kind of, or no, actually, not-not kind of... it's pretty important- to me, at least." As I speak I grab one of my wrists, squeezing it. My left leg was bouncing. "Honey you know you can tell me anything, right? Wait! You're not pregnant are you?" He questioned. I recoil in a mixture of disgust and horror.

"Wha- no!" I quickly answer. "No, are you kidding? That kid's life would suck man. Like you're telling me," I point at myself, "That I have to raise this kid? Geez I can't even use the oven without you breathing down my neck, how am I supposed to take care of a baby!" I joke and laugh. Daddy laughs too. I manage my laughter enough to talk. "Besides, I haven't, uh, started yet," I look down, fiddling with my hands. I'm uncomfortable talking about my period primarily due to my dad being, well, a dad, i.e. a male without any female organs and personal experience dealing with said periods himself.

Daddy was also a bit uncomfortable talking about it, but he has assured that it's nothing to be ashamed of, so that's nice. He just wasn't used to having to deal with periods almost firsthand.

"Sweetie I'm just messing with you. And when you do..." He trails off, moving his hand in a 'You know' gesture, "Uh, start, don't be afraid to tell me. I'll help anyway I can," He says before taking another bite of food. I nod. I take the brief moment of silence to take a sip from my drink. Daddy speaks up again. "So what were you actually gon' say?"

I ponder whether or not I should continue. On one hand, I've piqued his interest with me saying how important what I was gonna say. So it'd be odd for me to now say that it's not that important a few minutes after saying how important it was. On the other hand...it doesn't seem right to come out now anymore. I lost what little confidence I had, which was barely any, but still.

"Eh, never mind. It's actually not that important; I was just being dramatic. Ya know, like you," I said, smirking by the end of my sentence. Daddy huffs and rolls his eyes, clearly in a playful way. "The world's greatest spy can't be dull, Princess. I've gotta had some flavor to the job," He retorts.

"Oh, so going around the world, beating bad guys, 'saving the say', isn't dramatic enough?"

"Oh it is. But I bring an extra flare to it."

"Whatever you say Daddy," I say, focusing on my food. Daddy doesn't seem bothered by my sudden decision to not say what was "so important"; that's good. I'll come out another time.

We finish our dinner and as we're cleaning up I ask if we could watch a movie. "Sure. Which movie?" Daddy asks as we go to the living room. "(Fav. movie)?" I suggest, knowing that Daddy will probably agree, regardless if he likes the movie or not. As I predicted, he agreed. I happily got the movie and after everything else was set up (our spots on the couch, the movie being ready to play, and lighting) we sat down and watched it. I didn't have school tomorrow (yay for Friday!) so I didn't have to worry about getting ready for bed after the movie's over.

I was laying on the couch, my head and back leaning against daddy, who was leaning against the couch. The movie was almost over, so I was thinking of whether or not I wanted to watch another one. On one hand, yes. Please. I'd love that. On the other hand, I kind of wanted to watch YouTube. Soon enough the movie ends and the credits roll with the accompanying music. I was about to get up when daddy spoke.

"So Y/N, I was wondering about what you wanted to say earlier. Ya know, since you said it was important." I look up at my dad. "I also said that it wasn't important." I retorted. "Yeah, but thing is, you tend to do that a lot. You say something's important to you, then say it isn't, then I find out what it is and it turns out to be important to you. So why don't we speed things up huh?"

I look down, fiddling with my fingers. "...It's really not important this time. I promise..." I say gingerly. I feel daddy's hand on my shoulder. I turn to look at him. "Sweetie, you know you can tell me anything right?" At this I laugh. Daddy pulls his hand away, clearly confused by me laughing.

"What? You know you can! What's so funny?" He asks bewildered. Smiling I answer. "It's because all parents say that. I just found it funny." I make eye contact with him. I see his eyes light up with realization before becoming serious again.

"But it's true! Y/N I love you, and whenever you feel the need to tell me something, I hope and want you to tell me. As soon as possible," He says, emphasizing the last bit by moving his hand. I go back to looking at my hands, frowning. I did want to tell him, but part of me was saying that I shouldn't. One little voice. A voice that was being quite persuasive, and yet I was still debating whether or not I should-

Daddy's voice breaks me out of my thoughts. "Hey, where'd that happy smile go? It was just here." I don't smile; I try to deepen my frown instead. Daddy scoffs. I turn my head to look away, crossing my arms. Unfortunately, since I was looking away, I couldn't see the light bulb that went off in daddy's head.

I involuntarily break into a fit of giggles as a pair of hands starts tickling my sides. I wiggle and see my daddy's hands tickling me. "Ah, there it is! My beautiful daughter's smile." I vigorously shook my head at his compliment. My body was still squirming from his tickling. However, me shaking my head made him stop, so I stopped squirming and tried to relax. "What? No, N/N you are beautiful. You are my beautiful little girl in my eyes, always," Daddy says lovingly. Breathing heavily, I let his words sink in.

I fell off the couch during daddy's tickle attack, so the both of us were on the floor. I turn to lay on my stomach, facing the TV (which was now back at the title screen). Daddy lays down next to me. He crosses his arms and lays his head on them, facing me. I look back at him. I give him a smile. He smiles back. His expression is laced with love and amusement. Then he gives me a look that says "Will you tell me now?" My eyes dart away for a second before looking back at him. I focus on his elbow; I just can't make eye contact with him while saying this.

"I'm pansexual." I say, eyes still staring at his elbow.

"Oh..."

Daddy says in a tone I can't place at the moment. I pull my gaze away from his elbow to his face. He sits up, so I copy him. "Thank you for trusting me, Y/N. This doesn't change how I feel about you. I still love you," Daddy pulls me into a hug. I return the hug, relieved by his words. "Do your friends know?"

"No they don't. Only you know daddy." I answer, breaking the hug to look at him. He cups a hand on my cheek. "If you want them to know, them come out to them when you feel like you should. Don't feel forced to tell them, okay sweetie?"

I nodded. He kisses my forehead. "Good." I give a small smile. Daddy leans back a little, his hands supporting himself. "You wanna know something?" He asks, a smirk on his lips. Questioningly, I look at him, raising one brow. Daddy smiles. "Trust me, you'll like this," He said. I think about it for a second before nodding. Daddy straightens out his posture, no longer needing his hands for support. He claps said hands together.

"Okay, so I remember one time when I was visiting you and your parents, you were three around this time, and we were just talking. Then the conversation ended up about you. Your mom had said that she wouldn't be surprised if you were attracted to both girls and boys. Your dad, however, disagreed. he thought you would be straight." At this my mouth dropped slightly and my eyes widened. "How did she-?"

"I don't know. Mother's intuition, I guess? But your dad was adamant that you were straight. He finally shut up once he saw the glare your mom was giving him." Daddy smiles, probably at the memory. "Huh. Well, mom was close. I'm basically gender blind." I laugh.

"Y/N," Daddy says, his hands on both of my arms, "Again, thank you for trusting me enough with this. I love you, N/N." He kisses my forehead once more before hugging me again.

"I love you too, Daddy."

The End

(WOOOH I'VE FELT HORRIBLE ABOUT HOW LONG THIS WAS TAKING!!! I hope you enjoyed reading this! This idea came to me, and I thought: Since a lot of fans say that Walter is gay, and Lance supports his gay son (obviously!), what about Lance being supportive of a pan daughter? I was not too sure how to end it, so I hope it was not too sudden! Thanks for reading!!! :D)

#spies in disguise #x reader #child!reader #lance sterling x reader #lance sterling #sid movie #fem!reader #spiesindisguise

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