#maybe it'll be the year of trying to get therapy finally lmao

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

I'm actually feeling hopeful about 2025.

A week ago I saw an instagram reel that was your New Year resolution based on your birth month. and mine was to do a daily hand stand. so that's going to be my fun goal for 2025 - just do a hand stand every day. Can I still do a hand stand? I'm not sure! I'm about to find out tomorrow!

If all goes well, I'll bridge into a Masters this coming year and complete it which is the highest university degree I'm interested in. I can't believe I'm saying that since I barely survived my undergrad and have struggled my way through all this. Getting my Masters means I'll have the qualifications to be a librarian if I so choose!

I've been building healthier relationships with the people around me VERY recently and I have THREE people now that normally reach out to me at least once a week because they thought of me, wanted to share something, or just want to chat and I really like each of them. And I'm so excited to see if I can keep these friends through 2025. I think it's been maybe a decade since I've had people (plural) like this in my life!

I'm eyeing my bank account and considering taking a fully solo trip overseas for the first time to somewhere completely new!

And okay, it isn't the first year I've intended to do this...BUT this is for sure going to be the year I get my FULL drivers license. I'm not scared of being tested, but when I got my restricted the guy basically made me cry before passing me because of an error I made (not enough to fail me though) and I'm scared of seeing him again (small town, I think there's still only the one guy). But I'm going to pay for some lessons to build confidence in myself and then try!

Come the end of the year, I think I'll finally be in a position to move out of my parents house, get a job in the field I'm actually interested in, and start figuring out what my adult life is really going to be like (I'll be 25 but better late than never?)

There's going to be hardships because my mental health is funky, and some things might not work out, but I'm choosing to be really hopeful on the last day of 2024 because I know I'll try my best this coming year, and any failures won't erase that. I don't need to succeed at everything, I just need to try. That's all I want, and I KNOW I can do that.

I'm wishing everyone else a good 2025 too!!! I hope y'all succeed in trying to do what you want, and I hope you can give yourself a break if that's what you need most!

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

It is so important to find a good therapist. It truly is.

Personal vent about my therapist moral of the story is if you think something's weird, it is 💀

This dude..

For one, bro like plain doesn't take notes which would be fine if he remembered like... ANYTHING I said. I said I took pills, he asked what kind, I said dph, dude said oh that has alcohol in it then diagnosed me with mild alcohol abuse COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO WHAT TF I JUST EXPLAINED just cause I said I drink on rare occasions. Like mf.. I drink so little you can't even count it against me. It's so few and far between. Single digits per year probably. And I'm around my family when I'm drinking so it's not like they'd let me get blackout drunk anyway. Why diagnose me off of that instead of the fucking addiction that ACTUALLY impacted my life?

But I'm like okay maybe that's a technicality thing that's not fair to him.

So then I keep on coming. Everyday i come in and he has me fill out this depression and anxiety screening form. I think its weird since it's just a screening form and he's already diagnosed me with anxiety and major depressive disorder.. so why are you screening me twice a week.... we've already established that i have it. But what makes it sting is how he sits there and compare the numbers everytime as if that's the end all be all of whether or not I'm still struggling. I swear this one time I marked a few 2s instead of 3s and after scoring a whopping 2 points lower than my previous one, he was all talking bout oh see I think therapy is good for you you're already seeing improvements. Like nigga. Do you understand how mental illness works..? It's a general screening form. That I'm filling out. TWOOOO. TIMES. A. WEEK. If I filled it out like it's printed I'd have the exact same answers every single time. What's the point of screening me that often?

But I'm like okay cool. Maybe that's protocol and I just know from here on I have to do it by the letter. Doesn't matter if it's completely useless atp.

So then he started having me do "meditation" in the beginning that lasts like 10 mins. It gets so aggravating after like 3 but I'm thinking maybe he's dragging it that long cause I'm really seeming restless. So I try to sit completely still and breathe like I'd expect him to want me to. But then he goes on and on and on to the point where Im opening my eyes and just scanning the room atp. Just bored. And dude still got his eyes closed breathing

🥲

He finally just pissed me off today when I said I ghosted all my friends a while ago and haven't spoken to anyone in a while. And dude later gon ask me if I have any non alcoholic friends Ive talked to this week. Like okay. Fuck off. It's not even a thing of you just forgetting after having patient after patient! YOURE JUST NOT LISTENING. I said i ghosted my friends 2 weeks ago WITHINNN this one hour long appointment. Did you really not care to remember that? Did that not ring any alarm bells? And I can't think of a single scenario where it'd be acceptable. If you don't know what ghosting is, ask. If you didn't hear me, ask. If you don't understand why I did it, ask. You don't get to brush past that as a professional. Why am I even here if we're just repeating the same questions over and over again with you only paying attention to the parts that you care to talk about?

AND IM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC

Fuck this dude. I have two more appointments scheduled that I'm not gonna bother to slither out of. I'll say it'll be my strike two and three appointments. If I still feel no different towards him, I won't schedule anymore. I feel like ive given too many chances atp. But at the same point, maybe it really was an off day every other time I've had other paperwork to fill out too which maybe effected the quality of the appointments. I think it's only fair to have a few test appointments lmao. Plus I have a psych evaluation coming up so I don't wanna stop going and have dude take back his referral 💀💀

Wait... damn. I only have the strike three appointment my fucking jobbbbb. Whatever ig. I want to just miss but I'm not gonna bother. I'm gonna bring it up tho. Maybe he'll learn from it and be better for other people

I think that was too fundamental of a problem to come back from. I only have one hour a week to somehow someway stop being angry at him? And to start trusting dude again at that. I still get bitter over my friends bs how tf do I find the positive to make me stick around when it's just some random dude.

Oh well that and the first appointment I had with him?

Dude said talk therapy doesn't usually work for people with long term issues like mine.

I shoulda just took the hint and dipped. Wanted to give dude the benefit of doubt so bad.. 😑

Okay nvm never going back did not realize I wasn't even following my own damn advice. Why was I still gonna give him more chances