#maybe ill share the playlist if i post art of them

[brine-in-my-eyes]

^w^ me thinking abt my oc x canon shtuff while i do sum assignments

[kalpeavaris]

MD: Echo Info Post #1 (Character Edition)

So I reblogged this image about wanting to (over) share about OCs... and then I got a mysterious message telling me to speak about my OCs... 👀(*cough* @inkyprince I said I'd tag you hehe *cough*)

So I've decided to just do it, lmao. I love sharing stuff about my OCs, stories and whatnot and this is my blog, imma do what I want!

Gotta lay out some trivia & information about my Murder Drones AU, Echo! Wether it be characters or concepts, because maybe it'll get some people interested :D All of the info is below the cut, and for the first iteration of this I've chosen Kira, aka "ZWEI", for this!

Kira - "ZWEI" - White Witch

A lot of her information can also be viewed on her ToyHouse Profile (logged in user only, sorry!)

Playlist - Pinterest - Voice Claim - Theme Song

Content Warnings: Mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts (non-explicit), chronic (terminal) illness (in... robot-terms?)

(older art, but it does the trick lmao)

Kira was one of the Drones that were tested and infected with the Absolute Solver code back in the 3040s and 50s in the Cabin Fever Lab Cathedral with her number being 24.

As a Communication Drone the Solver's abilities affected her in a different way than her fellow Worker Drones, causing the humans to become aware of certain powers that she exhibited which weren't displayed in other Drones.

Her "exorcism" (or, well, patch) was botched as Kira's OS wasn't capable of adapting to the patch version, causing it to corrupt and allow for a vunerability that lead to Echo (a mutated version of the AS) planting it's own code inside of Kira's, which jump-started Echo's influence on Communication Drones.

Kira's Solver is always active - that's why her eye doesn't return to normal and only ever displays the emblem. She overheats extremely easily all the time and is prone to physical pain and tinnitus due to her being unable to block out inbound signals if she picks them up.

This has her health deteriorating quickly over the course of the MD: Echo story, slowly succumbing from it, though she keeps on pushing forward to stop ECHO and it's hosts. She needs actual medication to keep the pain at bay and constantly consumes Oil at a high rate to stop overheating. If her Solver was to deactivate she'd most likely pass away within a few days.

Her secondary name, "ZWEI" means "Two" (or could also be interpreted as "the second") in German. It is a reference to her part in the story, as well as her connection to ECHO. (won't be spoilered for now 8D) She associates alot of trauma with it and doesn't like being referred by it.

Personality wise Kira seems fairly withdrawn from everyone around her except her friends and partner/family. If she's in a good headspace she's fairly open and confident, almost fierce in the way she appears to others. Kira's keen on keeping up a strong facade to not show strangers her weaknesses or true condition.

"But what are Communication Drones?"

I'm glad you asked! Communication Drones look like normal Workers, though the one thing that sets them apart are the two antennas on their head which can vary in size & style depending on their desired function (short-range, long-range, ground signals, air signals etc.)

These antennas function as ears for them, so if they're removed, their hearing is damaged (not entirely deaf, but definitely worsened). So if a "normal" CD loses their antennas they're having a harder time adapting as their intake of sound is greatly reduced.

As an AS user/host, Kira's able to pick up on stronger signals from far away or even sending out signals to stun/manipulate others around her in a short radius. This effect doesn't stay though, it'll wear off over time and actively consume energy from the Drone using it.

Disassembly Drones can also have the subtype of a Communication Drone as shown in the sketch below (left DD) - their antennas are usually shorter and made for short-range and aerial signals as they're capable of flight, too.

(I almost made them a polycule not going to lie they all hot as fuck) wish that was me-)

--

(Kira on her way to cast 'gun, prepare to meet god' in the face of a fucking angel-robot-AI that believes to be god itself)

Kira plays a big part in the MD: Echo universe next to some minor characters & canon characters. Her main motivation is to help stop Echo, as it also tries to infect her via the unstable Solver code in her OS.

--

Crucifix Symbolism

(the power of christ compels you!)

Something very important to Kira is her botched patch / "exorcism". She's obsessed with crucifix looking symbolism which continues to haunt her almost 30 years later during MD: Echo's timeline.

She's desperate to break free from this, but cannot help herself. She compulsively collects cross-shaped imagery and in the first few months after her escape from the Lab she actively built crosses from all sorts of materials.

It's mainly coming from her OS being overwhelmed by the botched patch and the crucifix imagery of the USB burning itself in her memory files as some sort of "salvation" she has yet to achieve. Luckily, this started to fade out over the years, especially after meeting T who helped her to overcome the trauma of the incident.

--

(CW: Mentions of Self-Harm)

After being infected by the Absolute Solver, Kira desperatly tried more than once to remove her antennas to keep the voices from appearing. It talked to her from the inside, but she didn't realize this yet. Like almost all other AS Users however she kept on regenerating, unable to escape the inner turmoil of the Solver's possession and Echo trying to get inside of her OS as well.

--

Effects of the AS on her psyche

(holy shit have you ever seen a centipede that big? what is this? australia?)

Haunted by visions of the Solver, it's communications with the other Drones and later on the landing pods of the Disassembly Drones Kira had a hard time to tune out these visions she got from time to time. Similar to Nori in that regard Kira wrote everything down she heard through these intercepted signals, amassing hundreds of pages of logs she was able to get.

--

Meeting her partner

("Girl I swear I have normal hands too don't be distracted by my sexy claws")

In the 3060s, she stumbled upon one of the Disassembly Drone squads outside of the colony's Outpost she was seeking shelter in. She had intercepted their landing pods signals and was "curious" to seek out whoever had arrived, trying to solve the mystery of whatever the Solver had her experience.

That's when she found Serial Designation T - the navigator of the squad, who at first attempted to kill her like he'd been tasked to do. After all, Kira was a Solver Host that couldn't be fully mind-controlled anymore. But in the middle of him attacking her T's code was halted by Cyn herself, deactivating his executive task to kill the Host he had infront of him. He himself didn't know why exactly the Solver did this, but in hindsight it was due to the fact that Kira was still able to be of use to it later on.

(POV: you deleted system32 from your PC because some random kid on roblox told you to)

Now neutral, T got curious about Kira whom he tried to speak to with her Kira (driven by curiosity on why he had stopped being aggressive all of a sudden, being able to intercept the communication he had with Cyn) staying to talk to him.

Over the following weeks the two grew acustomed with each other, slowly building a friendship that later on evolved into a more romantic nature. Kira hid him in the Outpost and brought in food for the two of them as she constantly needed oil as well.

[ereyies]

i love your of mice and men oc. let me tell you i was scrolling thru the omam tag after reading that book for class because GOSH that ending destroyed me. bronwyn is so cute!!! and i love the ideas you have for her character and how she’d add onto the book. is there any more of your character that u thought of?? i’d love it hear it! ur art is stunning btw!!!

artists and writers are the backbone of dead fandoms. but i dont know if you could even call this fandom dead cuz i dont think it even had a life 💀

THANK YOU SO INCREDIBLY MUCH!!

this means the entire world to me you have no idea just how touched i am that you love my oc 💖 💖!! be VERY careful going through the of mice and men tag because unfortunately there are a LOT of nsfw bots!!

as for anything else relating to Bronwyn and her character, I don't have much else written/in mind other than that I have already shared other than maybe two things (copied and pasted from a document i made just to keep track of her lore):

Candy and Bronwyn probably wouldn't be close despite Candy having worked at the ranch for years. Not because of anything bad that happened between them, however I imagine that Candy was initially the main contributor to all the gossip said about her on the ranch and later on he learned she wasn't a bad person at all and just a lonely ill child, but by that point he had both immortalised her as a legend but condemned her from ever making real connections with people again. Knowing what he started and how he unintentionally isolated her and prevented her from being easily able to make friends with people on the ranch, the guilt would probably prevent him from forming any close connections with her.

I feel like if she were actually a character within the novel, her presence within the story would be similar to Andrey Bolkonsky in the musical Natasha, Pierre, & the Great Comet of 1812 (brilliant but strange musical btw, if you're interested in musicals it's definitely worth a listen!!). She is this looming presence amongst all the characters, always being mentioned in passing during conversation, this figure that everyone is aware of yet never sees, never actually being present in person up until the very end.

Candy would probably be the reader's introduction to Bronwyn, since Candy is a known gossiper. She'd be this influence in the story but is never truly there. I'm not too sure how she'd be important if that were the case though? Perhaps she'd be a figure symbolic of a 'point of no return' for all the characters. They all have a dream that isn't totally impossible which they come very close to achieving, and could very well leave their situation, but Bronwyn never had a chance and can never truly escape, locked up just to be forgotten about. Maybe she'd be a warning of the terrible fate which Lennie would have faced if he had lived and been institutionalised.

ANYWAYS moving past all of that; i have only made very few drawings of Bronwyn since my last post talking about her (admittedly due to extreme art block). But I’ve mostly been brainstorming about Curley and Bronwyn, the similarities and differences between them, mostly differences. Here is some of my recent art:

I always love experimenting and playing around with my style, trying out new brushes, techniques and colours <33 The last isn’t exactly my favourite mostly because i was just getting a feel for how to draw Curley and had little to no references for the pose and so it looks a little stiff. But!! I made many notes for my ideas while I was doing the sketch:

Thank you once more for your ask!! It means the world to me <33 I was so embarrassed when I first made her and feared being called ‘cringe’ or that people wouldn’t like her or something else along those lines, but the reception so far has been nothing but positive and encouraging!! I definitely plan to make more art and potentially even write some short fanfics including her in the future!!

oh one final thing, i also made a spotify playlist for her!! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0qrBhwqopc6KrC7RouFxOZ?si=GPudTv12S92QwBBXqxw0Bg&pi=khdpmOzjTfeQP

Thank you once more for being so kind <33 I hope you have the most wonderful day/evening/night!!

[fire-but-ashes-too]

☆º.⭐︎200 event!!⭐︎.º☆

HIIIIII

OMG OMG OMG OMG THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUN AAAAAAAAAHHH

ok so! wow! 200! youre giving me too much power istg im feeling ✨important✨

oh btw here is my intro post

soooo how is this gonna work??? basically u have all these lil red (cause in this blog we stan red) emojis and each one has a meaning! by sending them in an ask (to me ofc lol) you'll get smt! which is basically how every other event usually works lmao

also pls dont just put the emoji, specify what u want lmao

OK HERE WE GOOOO

★•.☆ index ☆.•★

❤️ - therapist moment -> spill the tea bestie tell me your dilemmas and ill try to help u out

🥀 - smol art commissions (keep in mind im not the greatest artist bbut im inda in an art block so ill try everything!) these may take 1-2 weeks max, no nsfw or lot of gore, and mostly not very complex pieces lol (u can choose the medium btw)

☎️ - smol writing commissons! same as before, not more than 3k (idk whats the point rlly but im on block and ive seen ppl do it so ill give it a try)

🍉 - collage board! can be either for you, a character, a song, whatever u want youll just need to specify it :)

🍓 - playlist!! give me a genre and a theme and voila ill make u a playlist

💥 - mAmMA MiAaaAA -> i teach u italian✨ idk this was rlly random but y not?

💃🏻 - free compliments~ ill get u cheered up

🌹 - ill have my old grandma moment, take a seat, get some hot chocolate or some tea or whatever, some cookies and ill tell u about my life :D (maybe specify which kind of story u want? like TELL ME OF WHEN YOU WERE A COMPLETE IDIOT IN FORNT OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE👹 that works well)

🎁 - ash the chef™️ aka i share with u my precious recipes (another very random one but i got back into baking lately soooo why not lol)

🧧 - 3.40 minutes -> u get ONE song for a veeeery specific feeling/moment/situation/ etc etc just specify and the sporacle (spotify-oracle ahahah im so funny ik) shall answer you

👠 - the poetrist aka a variation of writing commissions but on poetry (its more fun if u give me lots of specifcs lol)

🍄 - fandoms 101 -> do you want to get into a fandom? have you seen a fandom which seems really cool but you have no idea on hwere to start or how? call the 13-fire-but-ashes-too-13 (or: my ask box) and get yourself a new fandom to cry over! (this only applies to things im in lmao)

🧣 - idk guys im out of ideas but i wanted the 13 thingies so this is extra, just do watever you want, run free my dears

AHHHHHH OK OK IM GONNA GO NOW SPAM ALL U WANT AND DRINK WATERRRRRRRR

bye :p

[jacenotjason]

Can we just get some rambles about your AU, like nothing specific, just like little details you haven’t had the ask or idea to express artistically? I just love any little details about this AU (Howdy’s little finger beans)

AAAAA oh my god YES here’s some rambles from the depth that is this AU! Random factoids and snippets and hehehheheh

(Oh hey and checkout the AU itself!)

Hiding this under a ‘readmore’ becasue FUCK I WENT ON A RANT HAUIDA- i tried to stop i swear

OPEN THE FLOOD GATES!!

I HAVE PLAYLISTS FOR ALL THE CHARACTERS!! Ive been thinking about how to share them for awhile bc I LOVE these playlists and they help my brain rot on this AU but mm! Just wanted to get that out there im holding onto these

Something people didn’t catch was that in this animation, which is supposed to take place around the time Eddie moved into the neighborhood, he had his mail hat! But, currently, he doesn’t! That’s not because he lost it, Howdy actually stole it! Howdy immediately attempted to scam Eddie when he first arrived, stealing his hat and trying to sell it back to him, but he did not know that Eddie would not give a fuck. Howdy thought Eddie cared way more about his job then he actually does. So, Eddie’s hat is still currently decaying under Howdy’s desk.

All the characters have trauma or something depressing about them… except Julie! I’m not sure why but I just.. never came up with something reasonable for her backstory. I came up with a lot of ideas, but a lot of them seemed to cliche and controversial? Like, one of my ideas was some sort of sex working trauma, but I thought oooh of course you gave the most feminine character the sex working backstory! Another idea was eating disorder trauma, but again, ooh i gave the fem one the ED! The same thing happened with SA trauma, it all just felt so… cliche. And I felt like I would get a lot of backlash if I tried to implement this. So.. im still working on it!

^ originally Franks backstory was going to be completely SA related, but I changed that. Still not spoiling how, though.

^^ also I really liked the sex working idea! Because I think it would be interesting if thats how Eddie and her met. Not that Eddie bought sex from her, but that they like worked together and slowly became friends! Eddie kept her safe n stuff, beat the shit out of ppl that didnt pay yknow? Explored a deeper level of understanding between them

Ive been daydreaming about attempting to make my own little bootleg “play fellow exhibition” not nearly to the extent that Clown did, but just some sort of fake “restored” things! Maybe even fake interviews with those that remember the show! Ive even recorded some lines, of my own voice, of fake voice clips restored from the show. I haven’t had the confidence to post any of them just yet aa. I think my Eddie impression is IMPECCABLE though. Maybe bc I have a southern accent

^ also if this isnt obvious this AU is still a show being restored by a team, the show is just the adult parody ive created here. Ill be sure to specify if i ever post something restoration-lore-related!

The number of fingers they have is inconsistent, and that is not lore related! I am just an idiot! You might notice that sometimes they have 5, sometimes they have 4. I.. have no actual reason for this. I literally just.. forget! Im literally currently drawing a piece with Julie and Sally where they both have 5 fingers. Why?? Bc the reference I used was of two human girls so!! Just wanted to put it out there, that is not on purpose

I hide a lot of secrets in my art. Bc its fun. If you ever see something in my art thats a little too dark, feel free to up the brightness and see what you find. Does something sort of look like Morse code? Feel free to try it out! I’ll give you a hint, I have used both of these techniques to hide secrets in my art already. The Morse code one is really hard to find, though, so props to you if you find it!

I like to think that the AU’s show is like Rick and Morty. It started out this comedic, very clearly adult-humored show, but slowly the characters had lore! People started watching not for the humor but for the interesting characters. Like when Rick was revealed to have a depressing story with his wife and all that, it was the same as when ppl first found out about Frank’s strange amnesia and PTSD. Like “?? Who put lore in my funny adult comedy??” Yknow what i mean

^ i like to think there was some mind-bending moment where it was revealed Frank doesnt remember anything about his childhood and everyone watching was like :O

Originally in the show, (like season one), the characters were the way they are to make fun of those things. Confusing, but what i mean is that Poppy was a trans woman to make fun of trans people, Eddie and Frank were to make jokes about gay ppl, etc. but SIKE once the show got more seasons and got lift off they became actual characters instead of just jokes! The creators just wanted to make ppl love the show before they made the gay characters actually have personalities, so they couldn’t get cancelled prematurely! HA SUCKERS!!

FFUck okay i think i got it all out of me?? Idk feel free to ask again in like a month maybe more shit will have accumulated in my brain

[nijigay]

hiiii :3 I noticed ur one (of a few) ppl who ships boniji on tumblr, and I wanna know if you know any accounts/artists who ships them so I could follow them to satiate my boniji fixation >.< Also, some bocchi x nijika questions I wanna personally ask: what songs do you recommend that reminds you of them? Also, what are some boniji fanfics you recommend/like? I probably already read most of their fics but I wanna know what others like. Lastly, ur personal boniji headcanons if you don't mind sharing... 👉👈

I only ask blogs rarely cuz I'm shy so no need to answer immediately...

I'm just brainrotting over boniji so much! im so normal about them (◔‿◔)

AWAWAWA i love boniji like so much like too much like its become my main personality trait!

but youre right!!! it feels like boniji fans are mostly japan natives and there dont seem to be many english speaking boniji fans! ohhh i wish there was more of a following! imagine a boniji zine in the west! i would pay money to get involved with that

im kind of embarrassed about shoving my ships in ppls faces all the time and this might get long and its just me like rambling about my OTP so like .. gona put it under a read more lol. seriously this post is like almost 2k words long thats longer than my average fanfic chapter

i hate to be a shill but im going to be a shill for my fic recommendations:

ive been working on a lowkey corny boniji hanahaki fic on AO3 and some other oneshots, so maybe you would be willing to check my own stuff out?? (if u want .-. im really amateur with this stuff despite being an art student lol) its been on hiatus for like half a year but im just adhd af and keep restarting. im still working on it frequently tho and im secretly hoping to start updating on a consistent basis soon. but i also liked fics like "Midnight and Daydreams" and "Bubblegum Detergent" and "A Sellout Night" and "Just Enough to be Enough" and "A Kiss is Not A Cure". MANNN i remember that last one fucked me up bad when it was posted. it was only the second ever dedicated boniji fic and like I LOVE angst but with how small the sample size of fics was at the time it was like AUFHAUIJKADGF. all those fics are super super good though! i also love the third one, i love the trans bocchi HC personally

umm as far songs songs tho, i guess the ones i associate with boniji most are:

"veil" by keina suda, i remember drafting some animatic for an angsty AU of Hitori living on post-Kessoku

"STEP&CLAP" by yoshino aoyama (aka yoppi aka bocchis VA <3), i think yoppi making the song speaks for itself but its a rly cute song and i love thinking of Hitori and Nijika like tap dancing to it?? check out the rest of yoppi's debut album too!! her voice is so pretty and i was so happy finding out that there are 11 songs with her voice, instead of the 1 from the anime

idk why but i also think of them a lot when listening to PMMM's ost by yuki kaijuri, like "desiderium" and "not yet" and "mada dame yo"? these r kinda a stretch though but idk!!

i also like compiling music that reminds me of them into spotify playlists, if youd like some inspiration for your own! this one and also this angstier one

i have a lot of boniji headcanons but i feel like its hard for me to like list them all in one spot because they usually come to me with context during relevant conversations?? but ill list whatever i can think of!:

this ones not necessarily boniji but i was thinking about it like an hour ago, but i really like the idea of Seika being a huge boniji supporter. like in the source material she already finds Bocchi really cute, so I get the impression she would really like to be an older sister figure for Bocchi (and probably gets jealous of Kikuri for holding that spot in Bocchi's life lol), and so Nijika being a potential love interest for Bocchi would make Seika double down hard on supporting boniji. she'd probably be the one who brings Bocchi up to Nijika more than Nijika would bring her up to Seika?? i also like to imagine that for Seika she has a similar complex to Yoyoko. but instead of "Bocchi is stealing my spot as Hiroi's younger sister figure," it would be "Kikuri is stealing my spot as Bocchi's older sister figure" LOL . if that makes any sense at all

this ones actually taken from a japanese twitter user, but they moved on from boniji after the anime ended. but they had some headcanons that REALLY stuck with me. my favorite was the idea that Bocchi and Nijika both have inferiority complexes with one another. iirc their (translated) words were along the lines of "Bocchi thinks of Nijika as a pure, comforting light in her life, one that could be muddied if Bocchi got involved with her. On the other hand, Nijika thinks of Bocchi as a reliable hero who outshines an ordinary girl like her." i just REALLY like it. it also reminds me of this conversation that Yoppi and Suzushiro had on the BTR podcast, about Bocchi and Nijika's first meeting! like nijika literally brought light into Bocchi's life awdsfsgdhgfjh

actually that same user above also made a tweet that is the reason why i associate Keina Suda's "veil" with boniji! they made a tweet about an AU idea, where, in the event that Nijika would ever pass away, Seika would give Bocchi her ribbon, which Hitori would wear from that point onwards as she continues to play music to honor Nijika's memory. they also suggested that in the opposite event of Hitori passing away, Nijika would possibly do something very rash out of despair but thats dark hahaha!!!!

i kinda think this goes without saying and i think its actually a fairly common HC for BTR characters in general, but I can definitely see Bocchi being trans

I like to imagine that shortly after Volume 2, Bocchi and Nijika would probably have another conversation

eventually, i'm sure if Bocchi and Nijika pursued a relationship that they'd eventually move in together (or like into the same room? if Kessoku Band had a sharehouse?), and since both Bocchi and Nijika tend to be minimalistic with their room decor, their shared room would again become filled with a ton of Ryo's clothes and items and instruments, like how Nijika's room at Seika's apartment is

i think they'd both end up being really touchy with each other, especially when nervous? Bocchi kind of already does this when she's in new places (eg bringing Kita to Shimokitazawa, or going to FOLT for the first time and being dragged by Nijika), but I think it would grow to them finding comfort with each other?

idk if this is necessarily a HC but i really like how Bocchi and Nijika emotionally support each other, even in source. Nijika is shown to have a really good read on Bocchi (to the point of Bocchi worrying that Nijika is actually a psychic), knowing Bocchi's common thought processes, and picking up from Bocchi's mother during her first visit to Kanazawa that karaage chicken can bring Bocchi out of her anxiety attacks, and seems to be the only character who actually comments on Bocchi's growth as an individual and actively tries to facilitate it; but she also doesn't lovebomb Bocchi with praise, striking what seems to be a good balance for pushing Bocchi but also being a reliable confidant for her too.

one of my favorite details from the anime that i really feel doesnt get talked about as often as it should is when Nijika finally notices that Bocchi is guitarhero! she definitely wasn't the first to notice (Seika noticed first, but it seemed like Seika only knew about guitarhero via Nijika. When she notices that Bocchi's playing sounds familiar, her thought process immediately goes towards wondering why Nijika isn't noticing, and then she just tells them to get back to work) but she was the first one that Bocchi admits it too. but my favorite part is how Bocchi says that she wanted to change and grow as a person before telling them the truth, and she says that she especially wanted to grow before Nijika in particular found out! its just really cute, i love how Bocchi was worried about disappointing Nijika. and i like how, after some growth, Bocchi's dream turns from "becoming popular" to "making Kessoku Band the best band it can be" which is like almost basically the same as Nijika's dream! and so it's really nice when Bocchi doubles down on that goal by not remotely entertaining the idea of leaving Kessoku Band, even when goaded by promises of popularity.

last headcanon! because i ran out of thoughts and just came up with this on the spot. but i also like the idea that as the years go on, Bocchi and Nijika in particular may kind of become more similar in personality. i mean, they'd definitely still be distinctly them, but i like to think that Bocchi would eventually start picking up more optimistic habits and stop grimacing all the time, while Nijika would eventually become a little more lax and not reflexively try to dismiss her own negative feelings via looking at the silver lining. i thought of that when Nijika kinda dismisses her family dynamics with her mother's passing and her father's neglect after Kessoku's first real performance, as well as Nijika seeming to admit after inhaling Bocchi Dust(?) during her and Kita's Kanazawa visit that some of her optimism is performative

ok another one Nijika seems to have her art skills commented on sometimes so i like to imagine she has doodles of Bocchi in her sketchbook (alongside everyone else but mostly Bocchi). like think of like Miles Morales drawing a ton of Gwen Stacy like that kinda deal but with Nijika drawing Bocchi. and like Bocchi finds the sketchbook and Nijika freaks out and Bocchi actually doesnt look bc she doesnt want to do something wrong. but then Ryo or Kita take it and look instead and then show Bocchi and Bocchi melts into a flustered puddle

wowwow this got long! sorry! i really mean it when im like OBSESSED with these two like i think ive thought about them on a daily basis ever since the episode aired where Nijika bought Bocchi a cola. isnt that cute, too!? she picked up on Bocchi's favorite soda so quickly! and her buying a box of energy drinks for Bocchi despite not understanding why at all! girlfriend behavior

i really really want to make more boniji content, i'd like to be more active in posting my fics and drabbles and drawings, someday soon. right now most of my boniji content is just illegible sketches in my sketchbook lol

also thank u so much for like sending this ask im like BEGGING internally all the time to be given the chance to talk about them! i dont think theyre like a rarepair or anything, especially with them seeming to be like the second most popular BTR ship in japan, but i do think that not many people talk to them in the english side of the fandom! theyre super super cute and have really good chemistry.

this entire post is probably like a total carwreck i hope its even readable

ill also use this post as an excuse to post my own HCs for a Kessoku Band's relations chart. it's a bonus for reading this far. i'm sorry for draining 22 HP from you with this brain dump

[oswednesday]

waa @proceduralbob tagged me! thank youu

name: wednesday

pronouns: they/them

where do you call home?: without the right to roam, in a planet with boards and states and nationalities, this is kind of a faulty concept, people ask this sort of thing to judge your worth, sometimes i poke fun at people for like what state or city they live in but know its kind of in a post-ironic or whatever sort of way, i live online! but i suppose the geographical answer is the usa equating that with home feels gross, home feels personal and all encompassing, doesnt it?

favorite animal: im like, rabbit themed, so there's that of course i love so many animals i feel like i have a fave per genre of animals, im really into jellyfish , my fave owl is great horned, i also love flamingos and giraffes and bats and cockatoos

cereal of choice: i only eat cereal as intended like two months out of the entire year max, i like applejacks (with banana slices) and cocoa bunnies from the annie's brand (with strawberries) (cereal feels really naked without fruit on it!)

visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learner: im pretty sure this is something that gets taught in schools in conservative states cause no one gives a fuck whether its junk science or not, i Prefer someone to show me how, then walk me through it and then ill do it a bunch with assistance until i get it, but thats often so taxing to be vulnerable with someone else and not everyone has the patience for me so maybe like visual/kinesthetic/auditory in that order maybe? maybe thats just self fanfiction

first pet: fish! like the first animal i was aware of like, the concept of a pet like we have a pet in the house were two box turtles but those were like, my parents pets, they did not take good care of them! the first pet i consciously was like i want to keep and take care of them were fishes

favorite scent: (oops i forgot to remove the previous answer and fill this in)i have a lot of scents i like but rn i think murphy's wood oil soap!

do you believe in astrology: i think there are three "categories" of astrology

there is the math; the history and the culture and the arts and how much it like is apart of human history like that's real and inseparable from understanding the world around us you cant be like well thats astronomy because its also people folk lore and mythology of their cultures and belief systems and that kind of math was not separate from each other, it was used and is used as aid to make complicated numbers more digestible, as a way to memorize and to pass along oral traditions, its also a form of a people's wealth, so thats real yes

then there's social/economics/psychology of it like time periods coincide with ups and downs of wealth in a place like historically and its also like how the seasons impact people, what food is available, what sicknesses are more easily transmittable during certain seasons, which impacts somewhat the way we interact with the world as early age roles are set in by family, society, so on, thats real

then there's my cringe fetus in the womb is an aries i can feel the energies, that shits fake, but that feeds back into like point two and this point isnt any different than the other awful ways parents can interact with their children about 'metaphysical' matters

so i suppose yes i do, like, in a social science and a traditional art sort of way

how many playlists do you have on your music service of choice: i have a lot i like to make playlists a lot, maybe ill share them with the internet more often

sharpies or highlighters: highlighters are cute! sharpies have more use though, highlighters might win simply for the cute factor

song that makes you cry: once the pokemon 2 movie starts its ON <-the tears, from the ost for some reason

song that makes you happy: i listen to a lot of vashti bunyan and haruomi hosono for that feeling, oh maybe im not answering these correctly, i know nobodies got me like still alive (portal 2007)

and finally, do you write/draw/create: i do all kinds of gay stuff

[hemera989]

RinShi! (because if the ‘send me a character and i’ll list:’ post)

I’m sorry this took so long! Forgot to check my asks n all, my bad! And since someone else also asked for Shiemi, I’ll write this post for Rin, and then follow up with Shiemi in just a minute!

Okumura Rin:

Favorite thing about them: oh gosh,,, I have to save most of my thoughts for this other analysis I’m writing, but I love Rin for many of the same reasons I love all of Kato’s characters- he’s such a beautiful twist on the typical shounen anime protagonist. Yes, he’s headstrong and a little dumb, but he’s also incredibly caring and deeper than most people realize. He doubts himself. He has self confidence issues. He’s self sacrificial, in a terrifyingly real way that most animes tend to shy away from. I could get into so much more, but essentially, I think he’s a super refreshing twist and yeah. what a good boy

Least favorite thing about them: He’s a shounen protagonist. Yeah.

Favorite line: OH GOSH. UH. I think it would be “Ever since I was a kid, I’ve known I was different from the others.” It’s not a particularly original or new line, but I think it hits especially hard when you take the rest of his character into context. Rin has a level of self awareness that I don’t think a lot of people realize, or think about.

BrOTP: Hmm, I would maybe say Rizumo! I like them as a ship, too, but I just really have to admire their quiet kind of bond. I also like Shima and Rin’s friendship, alongside Suguro and Rin’s. Pre-reveal, Shima and Rin were both kind of the ‘my last two brain cells’ meme, and I think their vibe was just really good! Suguro and Rin also have a really strong friendship in my mind, I really like reading it.

OTP: I literally,,, could not decide on only one Rin ship if I tried. I love him with so many characters: Godaiin, Konekomaru, Shiemi, Suguro, Izumo, etc. I mean, if they’re age appropriate, then I probably ship it to at least some degree. 

NOTP: Okumuracest. Please block me if you ship Okumuracest. Aside from that, I also don’t like Rin/Demon Kings. I don’t have many NOTPs when it comes to shipping, but the few I do have, I feel extremely strongly about.

Random headcanon: Kind of based off of ‘brother mine’, but one day, he and demon!Rin sort of come to an agreement, and share his body fairly.

Unpopular opinion: Please wait for me to post my previously-mentioned analysis before you drag me, but I believe he’s actually more mature than Yukio (if only in an emotional sense). I also don’t really care for BonRin as much as I did when I was younger, tbh.

Song I associate with them: SO GLAD FOR MY CHARACTER PLAYLISTS but Frontier Psychiatrist by The Avalanches! It’s one of those songs that I associate with both Yukio and Rin extremely heavily, for separate reasons. The vibes of the song fits Yukio very well, but the part of the song about school systems writing ‘problem’ children off as hopeless and even mentally ill makes me think a lot of Rin.

Favorite picture of them: SO GLAD YOU ASKED it is @thefoulbeast ‘s art of Rin that he posted recently (i love you and your art so much will muah) and I will link it here! You should give him a follow if u would like to see more absolutely incredible art.

[empaths-hsp]

10 Tips for Surviving an Outrage-Fueled Internet as a Highly Sensitive Person

Like it or not, we’re all in a long-term relationship with the internet. Here’s how to make it a peaceful one.

While the internet can seem like a dream come true, it’s also a big, scary digital world, and most of us can’t afford to go completely off-the-grid to avoid it. On the one hand, I personally love doing research and exploring new ideas — and the internet is like an endless buffet for doing exactly that. It feeds my mind, and since I’m a journalist, I use it often when I’m hunting for new sources or digging up truths.

But as a highly sensitive person, the internet can also be… overwhelming. Exhausting, even. Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are the twenty percent of the population who process information very deeply — which makes us both insightful and empathetic, but also easily overstimulated. As an HSP myself, there are days when I want nothing more than to chuck my phone and computer into a river and run away to a cabin in the woods, where the WiFi signal won’t be strong enough to load Wikipedia or Gmail even if I hadn’t gotten rid of all my devices. 

Escaping the hustle and bustle of modernity might be a common daydream for HSPs, but it’s not a practical one. Most of us need to go online for work, to stay connected with loved ones, and do basic things like banking and grocery shopping. 

10 Ways I Survive the Internet as an HSP

1. Know where to find “feed-your-soul” content — and go to it regularly.

Sometimes, even with the best intentions, you can wind up feeling completely burnt out just by spending a few hours online. When that happens, I like to turn to my collection of  pick-me-ups. Sometimes, that’s visiting YouTube for inspirational videos, like the pep talk from Kid President (an oldie but goodie). Other times, I might look at the work of some of my favorite cartoonists, like Sarah Scribbles or XKCD. Similarly, everyone has different taste in art, so take some time to find work that feels like a warm blanket. Have this “comfort food” bookmarked or saved somewhere, whether on a playlist or in a folder, so you can quickly turn to it when the internet — especially news — is just too much to handle.

2. Make sure your music is working for you, too.

I love listening to music while I work, but sometimes even my favorite albums can feel overwhelming when combined with everything else that’s happening on my screen. When I need a little more mental space to process whatever I’m reading, I turn to nature sounds or white noise tracks. My favorite is the Spotify playlist “Birds in the Forest.” It’s incredibly soothing and helps me concentrate when my attention feels scattered. (You can also try this HSP playlist curated by a fellow highly sensitive person!)

3. Turn down the lights — or your screen’s brightness.

Since we HSPs are sensitive to any stimuli, that includes the level of light our eyes are taking in. Computer and phone screens are perpetually glowing beacons, and plenty of people have written about how that blue light can throw off our circadian rhythm before bed. But it can also be hard on your eyes to look at a bright screen with small font all day. 

If you need the internet for work, try using apps like QuickShade to further refine the brightness of your computer screen. And if at all possible, stop looking at screens at least half an hour before bedtime! But if you must, make sure your screens are in night mode. These days, a lot of devices have dark mode capabilities and it’ll take you just a few minutes to adjust them. If you’re an Android person, you can also download an app like Dark Mode, and if you’re more an Apple person, you can try an app like NeuralCam NightMode.

4. Limit time on social media (and avoid doom-scrolling)…

We’ve all been there: one minute you’re checking Twitter for the latest news updates or to find something interesting to read, and the next thing you know, it’s been half an hour and you’re feeling shaky with the deluge of information. And it’s not just Twitter that pulls us into this endless vortex: it can happen on other social media platforms, on Reddit, and even on news websites. Yes, you’ve been trapped into doom-scrolling. 

The internet — and especially social media — is designed to suck you in. Once you know that, you can plan strategies for protecting your time and energy. Set a timer whenever you go on social media and don’t let yourself stay there for longer than that time. Or, if your willpower isn’t strong enough, you can install browser extensions that block certain websites after you’ve been on them for too long — check out Limit for Google Chrome and FocusMe for an app that works across browsers and devices. 

5. …But when you do go social media, make it meaningful.

Of course, social media isn’t inherently a bad thing: It can be a great way to stay in touch with friends, learn about new job opportunities, or simply socialize when you aren’t leaving the house. To get the most out of social media, invest in real relationships — use WhatsApp or Facebook Messenger to ask friends about their day or share memes or GIFs. Or, curate your Twitter account so that it shows a variety of perspectives and voices that you’re interested in hearing. For myself, I look for specific hashtags so that I can easily follow scientists, writers, and people in the chronically ill community. It has made my Twitter scrolling a lot less unpleasant. 

6. Be intentional with how much you share.

We’ve all heard it before, but it is largely true: The internet is forever. And as much as we may want to assume people are acting with the best intentions, that’s just not true of everyone. “Mobs” form quickly, and just about anyone can end up being doxed or harassed. So be mindful of what you’re putting online. Share only as much of yourself as you are comfortable with strangers knowing. It can be a wonderful experience to have an intimate connection with someone you’ve never met in person, but make sure those conversations happen privately. 

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Subscribe here.

7. Understand your capacity for news media and set boundaries.

Similarly to setting boundaries in how much you reveal about your personal life, you also need to understand your mental and emotional capacity for news, be it sad, dark, or uplifting. Because HSPs feel everything so deeply, even an innocuous story about the things scientists still don’t understand about pregnancy can lead to overstimulation (yes, this has happened to me). Once our brains get revved up, it can be very hard to calm them down. 

To protect myself from being emotionally overwhelmed by bad news or overstimulated by some exciting bit of research, I try not to read any news after 5 p.m. I also limit how much I read about particularly dark subjects, the coronavirus pandemic being one prime example. I do want to be informed, but I stick to things like daily newsletters rather than reading every single piece of news I come across. 

8. Take breaks.

This sounds obvious, though it can be hard to put into practice. But no matter what you’re doing online, whether it’s for work or for fun, be sure to spend some time away from your screen: go on a walk, play with your pet, play a board game, simply sit and stretch — the options are endless. You just need to be sure that you have those options in place so you don’t end up spending hours mindlessly going from one tab to the next online.

Need an extra-restorative break? Try a little time forest bathing.

9. Build “phone-free zones” in your life.

Smartphones are great in many ways, but they also mean you’re carrying a little computer with you wherever you go, which makes the temptation to hop online almost impossible to resist. At the park and see a cute dog? Post a picture to Instagram! Spending time with friends and you can’t remember the last movie some celebrity was in? Hop on Google! 

We’ve all done it, but that doesn’t mean we can’t break that permanent connection we seem to have with our phones. Create phone-free zones in your home and life. Maybe it’s a no-phones-in-the-bedroom rule, or no-phones-after-a-certain-time-of-night. Since the internet is built to make us reliant on it, we are the ones who have to set rules and boundaries for when it is allowed to engage us.

10. Acknowledge and embrace the internet’s limitations. 

In a lot of ways, the internet can be a sanctuary for HSPs: We are in control of the sites we visit, the time we spend on them, and the amount of information we absorb. It’s easy to think that if we curate our online experience perfectly, we’ll be in a safe bubble where we don’t have to deal with other people’s emotions. However…

That doesn’t mean being online is a substitute for life offline — we still need in-person experiences, whether it’s walking through a forest or having (socially distanced) dinner with friends. That’s just part of human psychology.

So it’s important to understand what the internet gives you, and what it doesn’t, as well as to understand how it can both help and harm you. The more you know about your relationship with the internet, the better you’ll be able to navigate it. 

You Might Like:

News Overload Is Real. Here’s How It Affects Highly Sensitive People.

This Is What Overstimulation Feels Like for HSPs

7 ‘Rules’ for Highly Sensitive People to Protect Their Energy

The post 10 Tips for Surviving an Outrage-Fueled Internet as a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Highly Sensitive Refuge.

from Highly Sensitive Refuge https://ift.tt/3gcWYDM

[afoolforatook]

Thank you, Wellies

So. I’ve been trying to do both class work and working on wips and just nothing is clicking. So, I thought I should go ahead and do this post, that I’ve been putting off, because.....it’s next week y’all.... So here goes. 

Here’s my original post, that explains what this comic meant to me four years ago. 

And here’s what it means to me now. (this is really long, sorry)

Man, I don’t really even know where to start this. How to start to say thank you. To Ngozi, to all of you.... It’s not possible to fully express what all of you have been for me the past four years. What this story has been for me. 

So many things have changed since I made this post almost four years ago. 

So many things haven’t. 

I’ve been way less active in the fandom since starting at SCAD, and I really was never that incredibly active to begin with, outside of my small group of friends on a discord server. 

And at times I feel bad about that. 

But it’s not because I don’t care about or need this community anymore. 

Rather it’s because this community, this story, gave me the strength to keep moving, and now I want to keep doing so, and make something that might one day even barely begin to show my gratitude. 

So until then, all I can do is say thank you over and over. I can never possibly say it enough. 

But still I wanted to thank you now, and try to explain to you what this comic about hockey and pies has meant to me, one last time before it ends. So that’s what I’ll try to do. 

It was surreal rereading this old post earlier this week. Reading 

“I think I could write a book just of our history and everything leading up to now and the details of this whole event” 

When I wrote this post four years ago, I honestly couldn’t imagine a future where I’d be anything other than incomplete.Or even a future at all. Everyday was just getting up and making myself keep breathing, keep trying to push towards something, even though I had no idea what that could ever be. 

For the first year I wrote daily journal entries, telling Emma about what happened that day, screaming at the universe for doing this, trying to help my future self remember little things, because everything was so hard to hold on to. 

Update days were always something nearly sacred to me. And really not even from a fan point of view. I don’t read them around other people. I sit somewhere quiet, by myself, and read slowly. Because they are little moments I try to share with her still. The only person I want with me when I read them that first time is her, in whatever capacity I can bring myself to imagine. 

A few months after the crash, I found one of Emma’s Spotify playlists. She made playlists for everything; birthday and Christmas presents, mood playlists, friend playlists, monthly playlists. 

This was her May 2016 playlist. Last updated May 16th. Two days before the crash. 

That playlist was literally the only thing I listened to for months on end. 38 songs.Over and over. 

And as I listened I started to think that, just maybe, some of these songs she put there for me. 

West Coast; the song me and Emma would send to each other after high school whenever we wanted to let the other know how much we missed them. 

All I Want is to Be Your Girl. I mean?? 

Slowly I found lyrics in every song that even if just in my own fantasy, were little messages from Emma, telling me to keep going, how to stay strong. 

I was always looking for stories, books, movies, songs, anything about someone grieving the kind of loss I was. Nothing I found felt like it really represented me. If it was about someone young, it was due to suicide or violence or illness. If it was a car crash, it was about a parent or child. If it somehow fit my other demographics, it was never queer. 

I felt totally alone in the exact manifestation of my grief. Like no one else could understand all the tiny details that seemed, to me, to make this all more and more cartoonishly cruel. 

(though one of the most touching moments of my life will always be when Emma’s step mom, the only person in her family who knows about us, sent me a book about grieving a spouse. I cried for hours when I opened that.)

I didn’t have outside representation, support. But I had journals. I had Emma’s songs. I had poems and a handful of inktober drawings. I had my little update moments of connection. And I had so much to say. 

Months, years, of isolation gives you a lot of time to examine your feelings, to question the meaning of things, to think about what exactly grief looked like to you and about how you wanted to live the rest of your life, as someone grieving a love. 

And slowly I began to connect those thoughts to individual lyrics from Emma’s playlist and that helped me actually write all those thoughts out, organize them. 

And that’s how The Mixtape Project started (I still hate using the word memoir. I had to find something else to call it). A book about us. About Emma. About all those thoughts I’d had so long to sit with. Structured around the songs from her playlist. 

I remember the exact moment that I realized that Check Please was going to actively change my life. I was talking to my dad about it, about why I loved the storytelling, the characters, the art, so much. 

I’d told him many times before. But it was always tied to Emma in a way, or to the reasons that I identified with Jack. It was always a little sad in some way. 

But this time. This time it was just excitement. It was just a kid who has always loved words, gushing about a story that fascinated them. 

And I realized. It was the first time I had been just happy, excited, in the months since losing Emma. I remembered all those ideas Emma helped me with in high school, how we gushed over stories like that. I remembered what it was like to just love something and want to create, just because it made you happy. 

I knew I couldn’t go back to UNCA, and none of the other creative writing programs I had looked at seemed like they would fit the new person I was. 

So, for the hell of it, looking for some idea at how to start my life over, I looked at Ngozi’s personal story. And there was SCAD. There was sequential art. 

Now. I’d never ever considered myself an artist. I went to an art high school, I knew art kids. I was never one of them. But that sequential part? That. THAT was what I wanted. That was what I could still be excited about. 

That was how I could pull the Mixtape Project together. The writing, the poems, the art, the music. Comics. Sequential art. A graphic memoir that played with the format. That was the project that kept me going. That was what I was working for. That was the first future I was able to see now that Emma was gone. 

So, for the first time since literally elementary school, I took an art class (also took a mythology class at the same time, which really helped keep my art and storytelling tied). 

I loved it. I was actually happy with my work, surprised by my work and how quickly I felt like I improved (I wouldn’t learn about aphantasia until I got to SCAD, and understand that that drawing 1 class had been so fun, and in a way, easy, because it was all direct observation, and that drawing from memory and imagination would be a much steeper learning curve for me.)

So, when the class ended I thought ‘you know, maybe some kind of art school could be a good idea.’

And then one of my life long best friends, a SCAD animation student, encouraged me to apply, to just go for it. 

And I did. It was a long shot, I was sure. We couldn’t afford it. Why would I get that in that kind of commitment, debt,  after 1 art class? It wasn’t logical. But it felt good. So I did. 

And then I got accepted, and the initial excitement soon fell away, to me and my parents knowing that it really wasn’t doable. 

But we went to admitted students day, just to see. And when we got home, both of my parents cried for a long time. The first happy cry in our house for over two years.

Because they had decided that they had to figure out a way to make it work. 

Because standing in Haymans hall was the first time they had seen me excited about the future since Emma died. It was the first time they’d seen me feel like there was somewhere I was meant to be, that there was somewhere I could fit again. 

So we made it happen. I’ll still be in debt for years, and it’s not necessarily something I’d wholeheartedly recommend to kids getting out of high school, that debt isn’t worth it for many people. 

For me it wasn’t really even worth it exactly for SCAD itself, and you’ll have plenty of professors tell you here that really what you pay for isn’t the education but the networking. 

But for me. For me it was worth it. 

Because I wasn’t wasting away in my basement. 

And I really wasn’t where I’d have liked to have been, ideally, before starting. I was a BRAND new artist. My portfolio for my application was solely my writing work. I hadn’t ever done anything more than scribbled fan comics in my sketchbook. I was coming in wayyyyy behind where most other people were. But I couldn’t wait to feel like I was good enough to be there. There was a strong chance that it was quite literally, a matter of survival. I was reaching a breaking point after nearly three years of isolation and grief with no outlet. The future debt was less of a concern than making sure I didn’t have a complete mental breakdown or worse. 

Now, of course, it hasn’t all been easy or fun or happy once I got here. I’ve doubted myself, I’ve had awful weeks, months, been stressed, unmotivated, in pain, near burnout. 

The first quarter I was absolutely miserable because I had literally no social life. 

Because I was an agoraphobic 23 yr old, living with 17/18 yr olds fresh out of high school. And if I wasn’t careful, I’d dissociate so easily. I’d let myself believe that I was still a teenager fresh from high school. That the past three years of agony hadn’t happened. That I could call Emma and it would ring again. She would answer again. And that illusion was a dangerous pit to fall into. 

And it wasn’t until this fall that my social life really started to improve, beyond one or two close friends. And even still, while it’s much better, it’s nothing like UNCA, like the tight knit family I had that made me identify with SMH and the Haus atmosphere so much. 

But I was moving forward. Agonizingly slowly sometimes. But still forward. 

And then last Spring quarter, just about a year ago, I was in Survey for SEQA. Basically comic book history class. And our final was a 4 page research comic on a comic artist we admired. So of course, I was going to do mine on Ngozi. 

The comic was due at the end of the quarter, the end of May. 

Now, that quarter was the first time I was actually in SEQA classes; Survey, and Intro. 

And those four pages would be the first fully colored, refined comic pages I had EVER done. It was intimidating. I didn’t want to mess it up. Especially because this wasn’t some big name of some far off artist you would never have any connection to. This was someone who all my professors knew. 

I ended up getting extremely lucky and had the chance to email Ngozi and ask if she’d be able to give for a quote for the project, advice for current SCAD students. 

She replied to my email the weekend of the 3rd anniversary. (I then spent hours on a thank you email - because that’s who I am, I can’t not over analyze anything I’m sending to someone important - and then I managed to save it to drafts instead of actually sending it...something I would not notice until literally months later and be absolutely mortified about my apparent rudeness of never thanking her.)

I still am not really happy with how that project came out. I still had (and have) a lot to learn, and it shows. I have, in no way, become an amazing comic artist overnight. I wasn’t expecting to.

But that short email exchange, falling on that weekend; it felt special. It felt like some speck of proof that I was doing the right thing. That things could actually go well in my life again. That if I kept going, I might actually get somewhere that I wanted to be. That maybe I really could make The Mixtape Project happen, if I just kept at it here. 

And then I found out that in the fall, Ngozi would be the SEQA mentor. 

Unfortunately by the time I had all the details about how to apply, the quarter had started and there were only a couple of weeks before it was due, and the only pages I had even anywhere close to being portfolio ready were either my research comic or a few older Check Please fan comics, none of which I would even have considered putting in that portfolio (I’m not 100% certain it would actually have come across as sucking up but it sure felt like it would have). And despite my best efforts, it just wasn’t possible, with how slow I work and having to keep up with classwork, for me to get a portfolio ready in time. 

That hurt for a while. I felt like I had this clear sign of perfect timing. How could I pass up that chance? How could I forgive myself for not doing everything I could to earn that experience? How was I not letting Emma down if I ruined this opportunity? 

It took a while to get out of that negative thought spiral. But I did, and it’s still a bummer, but it’s okay. 

And something that really helped? 

In October, Ngozi still came to campus to give a lecture. And that would have been good enough; just sitting in on that helped me feel excited, encouraged again. But then, after the lecture (with my amazing roommate waiting patiently behind with me, to make sure I didn’t actually have a panic attack on the way home) I got to talk to her. 

We all hope to one day get to talk to the people who inspired us, whose work we love, to tell them how much they mean to us. And yes, I was a little version of starstruck. 

But that wasn’t why I was shaking. That wasn’t why I told her I was going to do my best to get this out without crying (and I did, I’m proud to say). 

It was because I had the opportunity, while at the school that had given me a chance to start my life again, to thank the woman who was in all likelihood, one of the main reasons I was even still alive. If it had not been for Check Please I wouldn’t have had that good thing to keep sharing with Emma. I wouldn’t have found sequential art, at least not for a while longer probably. I wouldn’t have been able to finally picture a future I wanted to get to. 

And I’ll be honest, I don’t remember 90% of what I actually said that night to Ngozi. 

But I told her my story. I told her about Emma. About how Check Please was the last thing we got to share. I thanked her. And she was wonderful and kind and emotional and hugged me a couple of times, and even though I don’t remember a lot of what I actually said; it was something that will be one of the most important, affirming moments of my life. 

I didn’t have a panic attack on the way home. I somehow managed to not cry until we were back to our dorm. But I was stunned. 

Not even because of the amazing moment I had been able to have with Ngozi. 

But because it hit me. 

I was doing it. I was there. I had actually made it this far. 

Somewhere that just over a year ago I never would have believed was possible. 

A time when, two years before, I hadn’t even been sure I could make it to alive. 

That weekend was my 24th birthday. And it was the first birthday since I left UNCA at 19, that I didn’t just hate the fact that I was getting older. That I was moving away from the happiest parts of my life so far. 

Yes it still hurt getting further from Emma, putting another tick on the years that I got that she didn’t. 

But I was actually finally excited at the idea of even having a future, let alone having an idea of what it could be. 

February was a difficult month for me. I have another (entirely way too long) post about why everything that happened with RWBY and Fairgame was so difficult for me, but to put it simply; my hope for the future was shaken.

I was back in the toxic negative thought spirals I had fought for years to train myself out of. 

I was seeing Emma, or her brother, or her mom, in crowds; something I hadn’t experienced since the first few months after the crash. I was in one of the biggest crisis moments I’d had since Emma’s death. 

But I was more experienced than when I was 20. 

It wasn’t fun, a lot of it probably wasn’t the ideal way to cope, but I did it. And I kept up with my work. I isolated more, but not completely. I made myself vent on snapchat or tumblr, and not worry about oversharing or annoying people, because it was either get it out or let it fester in my head.  And I couldn’t afford to let that happen. 

In mid March, I made a pitch packet for my comic scripting final. 

It was for The Mixtape Project. It was hard, and nerve-wracking, and there’s still mountains of work to be done. 

But after my initial synopsis (first of like seven versions, cause trying to put this thing in a good synopsis format is a nightmare) my professor told me that he thought my story had potential. 

That he could see it being published. He suggested, knowing that I was planning on taking his advanced scripting course this quarter (hey remember how mid march was only a few weeks ago?? Huh?? wild), that I keep working on it, and see about taking it to Editor’s day (SEQA students’ opportunity to basically pitch themselves and their ideas to publishers). 

Now, my professor is by no means an overly harsh critic, and is plenty supportive in general. 

But I also knew that that was not just something he said to students all the time. That he meant it. 

Editor’s Day (now online) is in mid May. The week of the 4th anniversary of Emma’s death, to be exact. 

Everything is a mess right now, and I’m stressed and tired and scared and heartbroken (this will be the first time since I was 9 that I have not had Merlefest; the highlight of my year, and since Emma’s death; the last big happy thing before I plunge into the nightmare that is May). 

Tuesday will come. Check Please will end. I will continue to support Ngozi and her work after Bitty’s story ends. 

But it will be sad. It won’t be easy. 

This thing that has been my tether to the most important person in my life, will still be there, but it will be over. 

It will have a concrete end. It will no longer be part of the future I am pushing towards. 

But I am a different person than the shattered kid who wrote this post four years ago. 

I’m not who I was before Emma died. I never will be. I’d never try to be. I want Emma back more than anything. But that won’t happen. And as long as this is all real, I never want to pretend this didn’t happen. 

That I didn’t shatter in a way that will never heal like people expect. 

I’m still all those shattered pieces that wrote this post. Maybe a few have had the edges dulled, maybe I’ve lost a few, glued a few together perfectly, maybe picked up a few stray pieces that didn’t come from the me from before. 

But I will be those shattered pieces for the rest of my life. 

They won’t magically fuse back together. I work every day to hold them, to keep myself in some shape that resembles a functioning person. 

Some days I fail. Some days, I am too tired to even try. Some days, I am so angry, I’d rather hurl the pieces at whatever power or fate or god or chaos decided that I got to live and she didn’t. 

But those days pass. 

And I learn how to hold the pieces better, how to avoid the sharpest edges, how to take care of the wounds when I inevitably cut myself on one, how to allow other people to help me hold them, how to accept that some pieces may feel safe and smooth and comforting but they are traps, illusions that are the easy way to do things, but not the healthy way, not the way that will help me achieve my goals.

That person, made of all those unholdable pieces, four years ago, was staying alive for everyone else but themself. 

And some days I still am. 

For my parents. For Emma. For all the other queer, mentally ill, grieving kids and young adults and just people, who are looking for the same representation I was, who feel as alone as I still do so often. 

But some days. 

On those really good days. 

I’m alive, carrying all those pieces, just because I want to be. For me. 

I want to spin around in the morning, singing along to my bluegrass spotify. I want to get excited over finally figuring out how to write that line that was giving me so much trouble, or finish that sketch that I never thought I could manage. I want to hope that despite how awful everything seems, there’s still a good future out there. It’s still possible to be happy some days. 

I want to cry because I get to see Jack and Bitty get the happy ending that me and Emma didn’t. 

And now, unlike that version of me from four years ago, when it ends, I will have things still. 

Things that I have worked everyday to reach, to deserve, to hold out to people and say

 “Hey, sometimes everything hurts and you know that things will never be what they were, and parts of you will always miss that. But there are still things you can find that hurt less, that ease the hurt, that teach you how to better hold the hurt, to stop trying to say it doesn’t exist or trying to get rid of it completely and hating yourself when you can’t. You can still be hurt, be irreparably broken in so many places, and still find the happy things. You are still worthy of love, no matter how broken you are. Your worth is not tied to how much you are able to heal.  You are worthy of so much love, just because you are still here, no matter how many tiny pieces you are in.”  

The thing is, I will still always have a future that includes Emma. Because I couldn’t tell you exactly which of my pieces are from her, but so many of them are. 

There is no version of me, from here on to the day I die, that does not have her influence embedded in every piece. 

These days I try to be a little kinder to myself. It doesn’t always work, but I try. 

Because, to Emma, I was Bitty. I radiated that “thing”. 

Whether or not I saw it in myself, doesn’t matter, because she did. 

But to me she was the one who radiated. 

And she is a part of me. She can’t radiate that “thing” herself anymore. 

But I can, at least I can try.

Because If this person I loved and trusted so immensely, saw something worth loving in me? There must be something there worth loving, right? 

And if she is a part of me for the rest of my life, how can I hate myself? How can I do anything but keep going so that, even if just in my head, a part of her gets to keep going too. 

My family and friends joke that every friend group I’ve ever had calls me something different. And really it’s not a joke. In middle school I was CB #4 (that’s a long, terribly embarrassing, story). In high school I was Pond (and many variations there of: Pondala, Pondy, Raindrop, Puddle, you get the picture). At UNCA, when I came out as nonbinary, I started going by Auden. When I went home it was back to Meagan; Meagan always felt right with my parents. 

With Emma I was always Meagan. We were Meagan and Emma. Megma. Meagan and Emma have online adventures!

After she was gone, Meagan didn’t really feel like me anymore. I loved Meagan, I missed Meagan, I wished I could still really fully be Meagan, and I’m okay still being Meagan sometimes. 

But that real Meagan. The Meagan that was Emma’s Meagan. Doesn’t exist anymore. I lost that Meagan somewhere in that first night of screaming and trying to break my hand against the wall, so I could just feel something other than the agony of Emma being gone.

When I joined a Check Please chat group, a few months after the crash, we gave each other hockey nicknames. I was Farley. 

My second quarter at SCAD, I started going by Farley. It stuck. 

That’s who this version of me is. This new artist, still figuring things out, but still going. 

I may not always stay Farley (other than ya’know artist ‘branding’. We’ll see) but that’s okay. Farley is who I need to be right now. 

Farley is who will finish The Mixtape Project. 

(because of two people mishearing both my nickname and last name I will, at least once in my career, use the pseudonym Fartley McFarmland and no one will stop me). 

I can’t imagine what, who, will come after Farley, if anything.

But Check Please will always be a part of making Farley, and every future version of me, exist. 

I could go on and on about how beautiful this story and these characters are, how inspiring Ngozi is, how genius her storytelling is, how powerful and important her work is. I could go on for days about all of that. But this is already so long, and I know that so many of you can go on about that probably way better than I could currently. 

But, as many of my professors tell us over and over, only I can tell this story. My story. Emma’s story. Our story. And it’s one I plan on telling for the rest of my life. 

And Check Please, Ngozi, will forever be the thing that made that possible.

So thank you. Those two words that are way too small to say it all. 

Thank you. 

Every fic writer

Every artist

Every rper 

Every chat friend

Every shitposter

Every theorist or meta poster

Every fan

Thank you. 

B. “Shitty” Knight. 

Larissa “Lardo” Duan

Adam “Holster” Birkholtz

Justin “Ransom” Oluransi

John Johnson

Ollie O'Meara 

Pacer Wicks

Jenny and Mandy

Nicholas and Jean-Claude

Coach Hall 

Coach Murray

Suzanne Bittle

Richard “Coach” Bittle

William “Dex” Poindexter

Derek “Nursey” Nurse

Chris “Chowder” Chow

Kent Parson

Alicia Zimmermann

“Bad” Bob Zimmermann

Tony “Tango” Tangredi

Connor “Whiskey” Whisk

Denice “Foxtrot” Ford

Fry Guy

Georgia “Georgie” Martin

Alexei “Tater” Mashkov

Sebastian “Marty” St. Martin

Dustin “Snowy” Snow

Poots

Randall “Thirdy” Robinson

Jonathan “Hops” Hopper

River “Bully” Bullard

Lukas “Louis” Landmann

(I’m almost certain I had to have missed someone)

Thank you.

Jack “Zimmboni” Laurent Zimmermann

Thank you.

Eric “Bitty” Richard Bittle

Thank you.

Ngozi Ukazu

Thank you. For everything. 

For having my back. I’ll always have yours.

Always yours, 

Farley M.

[carrietrekkie]

Pike/Female OC

I think I´ll try a little experiment and posting my Pike/Female OC Story.

It´s been a while since my last release of a story and it will be my very first in English. I finished only a OC Ask Meme about her in English, so, if someone liked it or want´s to know more about that story, let me know and i will translate the images and stories. 

Please let me also know, if there are linguistic mistakes.

So, here it is!

What is your character´s full name?:    Cathrin Elizabeth Zimmer (Ranks from Lieutenant to Commander)

 When were they born?: 31.10.1986, Germany, Another Dimension.

 What are their parent´s names?: Robert Zimmer, Annabell Zimmer

 Do they have any brothers or sisters?: An older brother, Markus Zimmer

 What kind of eyes do they have: Green eyes with golden sparkles. She has a warm gaze, not afraid of eye contact, even which strangers, this comes from her education and the time she spends with people in her past job.

 What kind of hair do they have?: Dark nut brown hair. It falls in soft waves over her armpit but at duty she used to wear it up to a ponytail or a updos with braids.

 What is their complexion like? Fair skin, she always used to be very pale, she tans really slowly but that takes time

 What body type are they? 5.5, she is average, bit curvy and loves it. By the time she arrives in the 23 century and the events followed by her apparition, she starts to train and learn a lot of  Martial Arts to protect her crewmembers and herself if there is need to, so she gets a little more athletic.

 What is listening to their voice like? Cathrin has an unexpected deep voice that skip a bit, when she´s getting emotional. She trained that because she made the experience that a deep, warm voice calms patients and people much more than a highly tone. Some of her phrases are old fashioned to the people around her, that’s something Chris loves about her and he started to use them to, long before they get together.

She loves to sing, but thinks she´s not very talented, so she keep it private but sometimes, when she is concentrated, it happens in public. Dr. Culber found it enchanting after it happens in his presence but never mentioned it to her, until she leaves Discovery.  

 What do they hate most about themselves? Cathrin hate her uncertainty about the 23 century. Almost everything is new to her, despite her memories of the events in the “Star Trek Universe”, it’s a completely different thing to be thrown into this life without advance warning. She had to ask about everything, even the things that totally normal for everyone around her and after all this time she spent in her new life, there is always something new and unexpected that made her feel like a complete idiot. (Just imagine pull out of your time, space and dimension and been thrown over 200 years into the future.)

 Do they have a favorite quote?

To see your world in a grain of sand, and a heaven in a wild flower. To hold infinity in the palm of your hand, An eternity in an hour.

Her father used to read her and her brother poems when there where children, this one is the last he told them, on the day he passed away.

_Be bold, be brave, be courageous. _

The words she read to her nephew at his christening. Much later, she said this to Pike and he completed her sentence without hesitation, they started to say goodbye with that, before they go on separate or dangerous missions. He once said this words carried them to the hardest and darkest times of their life, as well as thru the best and brightest.  

 What sort of music do they enjoy? Cathrin is very into music. She holds the musical data she brought with her like a treasure. She enjoyed a peculiar mixture of music: Pop, Rock, Metal, Country, World Music and Soundtracks from the 1950 till 2019. She also enjoys some stuff from the 23th century, but there she is highly influenced by Chris Favorites.

Once she made a playlist for Chris ( as a thanks for keeping her from drowning, after the first time she was forced to kill, to save Ash Tylers Life), she called it cheesy and terribly old fashioned, he says it´s one of the best gifts he ever received. And with time goes by every song from this list, fits to something that’s happened in their lives.

Have/would they ever cheat(ed) on a partner?: No, she would never do that. When she loves, she does with her full heart, soul and mind. Cathrin is a very romantic person but is uncertain how to show it in the right way or at all.

Have they been cheated on by a partner?: Yes. Back in her old life, her fiancé cheated on her a few weeks before their weeding. And although a year after that, she could forgive him, there both were very young and maybe to naive about their relationship, but she never forget that feeling and swear she would never do such horrible thing to someone she love.  

Have they ever lost someone close to them? Cathrin lost everyone she knew and loves when the signal brought her into the 23 century. It took her a while to get to live on with that, but she heeded Chris advice to let them go, since they lived there lives long ago and hers is just to start at a new point.

She is afraid to loss her new friends and crewmembers and, even though she´s used to dead by her job, she still mourn every patient that passed away on her duty.

Her father died, after a long illness, when she and her brother where teenagers.

Are they judgmental of others? No. She treated everyone the same way, unless she get´s a reason for being so rude. She was not a very popular companion when she was at school, sometimes she get bullied, so she decided, she would never be a person like that. 

Have they ever been drunk? Yes. The worst drunkenness was at a party after her father´s funeral. Cathrin had a completely blackout on that evening. After that night she nearly tolerated nothing alcoholic and only drinks a glass on very special occasions. The champagne Pike serves her after her admission to Starfleet nearly knocks her out and he still makes his jokes about that. (There was a party after that but she can´t remember anything about that.)

What are they like when they stay up all night? A little bit like a humming-bird, reinforced by the amount of coffee she consumed to get through the night at all. She speaks to much and to fast and gets very jumpy. Usually Cathrin is not a night person, she needs her sleep and she needs to be rested before she takes a step into an OP to lay a life of someone in her hands. But if it´s necessary, and thanks to the training and conditions, she could pull herself together to get through tough times, but she don´t like it, she know it is unhealthy to let it happened to often.

 What evokes strong memories for them? A lot of thinks throws her back to things she´s been through, but that are memories she can deal with, like the death of her father, her first heartbreak or the good times, she had with her childhood friends.

Much more harder to process are the flashbacks and buried memories that comes with her knowledge of thinks that probably could happen in the future. For them there are no fixed triggers, so it overcomes her from time to time with unexpected effects and results. Cathrin hates it but can do nothing against it, sometimes it´s like a whisper but otherwise it could knock her completely out and most of this times she ended in sick bay and with a lot of questions she never could answer entirely.

The only memory she could share and prevent form happening, was Pikes fate but she always fear, that with hold up these events, there would be another tragic end for him (she knew, there is some, but she has no access to it) and when she see it clearly, it would be to late.

Anyway she wrote down every fragment she remembers in a notebook and made a note in it, that after her and Chris dead it should go to the Captain and First Officer of the Enterprise.  

 What do they do on rainy days?: Cathrin used to read on rainy days, doing laundry, watching movies or series.

After rainy days could only happen on personal leave times, she takes these days to do nothing or just things she really likes. Take a long bath, stay in bed till midday, preferred by breakfast also in bed or just listen to music. On top of this list stands spending time with Chris, catch up the things they have to less time on board of Enterprise, even if it´s just sitting side by side by the fireplace, reading a book or dancing to their favorite songs.  

**What religion are they? **Cathrin grew up in a little catholic embossed village in Germany. She never get to much into religion but always had faith and believe that there are more tings between earth and sky than science will show her.

She stayed with it, after her arrival in the future and pulled from it, when the days and nights are getting dark and sometimes hopeless. Her spiritual side goes along with her scientific way to live, she never saw a reason why they had to exclude each other.

What do they wear to bed?: Cathrin wears a pyjama shorts with a shirt, sometimes a nightgown, accounting on her daily condition. When she is away from Enterprise for Starfleet Academy, she usually wears some of Chris t-shirts and a long pyjama pants (She had some strange encounters at night in the dorm, so she decided to be as dressed as possible). On vacation she sometimes sleeps in underwear or less.

Do they have any tattoos or piercings?: No tattoos, but she get her ears pierced when she was a little girl.

Cathrin don´t like needles at all, every time she has to take a blood sample from a patient or give an injection in the past, she suffered with him. One reason she thinks Hyposprays are a gift of heaven.

What type of clothing are they most comfortable in?: Cathrin loves the clothes she had with her, when she was brought to Discovery (Jeans, a shirt, a black dress and coat, two pairs of high heels), even the Jeans get ripped, she never thrown it away.

She likes her blue Enterprise uniform more than the dark blue from Discovery. Of duty she likes to wear dresses and skirts, shoes with a heel( gives her the illusion to get nearly the high of Chris) and sometimes the “county girl style” Chris loves so much on her.

 What is their favorite food?: Cathrin is addicted to desserts and sweet thinks. Baking was one of her hobbies, but you can´t bake cookies on a space ship.

On personal leave she sometimes cooks. Her all time favorite are Pancakes, done by the recipe of her mother, that’s something she really missed.

Do they have any enemies?: No personal enemies. But if you are in Starfleet, it comes with the duty and some decisions you forced to make. She´s sure there are a few people in the galaxy, who prefer her dead then still alive, but they first have to pass Chris and the crew of the Enterprise.

What does their writing look like?: Cathrin has a very elegant writing but when she´s in hurry, so most of the time, it goes undecipherable. This also caused back to her time as a medical assistant and later as a Paramedic.

What disgusts them? Liars, disloyalty, dishonorable intentions. She has a high loyal compass and goes not well with people who infringe it. Cathrin hates senseless violence and every action that caused damage to the ones she love and who stands under her protection.  

[the-trth-untold]

now its ur turn. do all of the sweetheart asks.

god jsjsjhdjk im just letting u kno these answers r gonna be BORING but hhhh THANK U 

1. Talk about your first love.

i’ve never been in love, never been in a relationship before. BUT i can vaguely remember my first crush back in 2nd grade. all i can remember was that his name was kyle and he was the only boy who ever spoke to me and my brain just went !!! 

2. What’s the most beautiful song you’ve ever heard in your opinion?

Break My Heart Again - FINNEAS or What Was Our Love All About - Adrian Milanio and Marylou Villegas 

these are just two that i can think of there are A LOT of beautiful songs

3. How’s your heart feeling right now?

fine??

4. What kind of self care is your favorite to do?

i dont really do any self care things?? 

5. What’s your skincare routine?

i dont do any skincare routines either... ik im a monster

6. How did you get to be so beautiful?

u must be blind if u think that 

7. Do you have any stuffed animals?

i used to have over 50 stuffed animals, i would always place them all over my bed neatly but i got rid of them now :( 

8. Best trip you’ve ever been on?

Myrtle Beach, SC because it was my first vacation spot and i was so happy seeing two dolphins close to the shore

9. Favorite thing about your room?

the color of my walls and blankets lol mint green and peach colors

i dont have anything cool in my room

10. Opinion on love?

i mean, it’d be nice to experience it some day and i hope i do but right now im content being by myself

11. Are you affectionate?

if i know you very well i can be, if not im very awkward and will barely make any eye contact with you

12. Who do you look up to?

i look up to people who have struggled a lot in their life, people who can be optimistic in any situation

13. Favorite poet?

i dont read much poetry, but i loved reading some things Emily Dickinson has published

14. Song that makes you happy? How about one that calms you down when you’re in a bad place?

honestly any disney song makes me happy! im a huge disney nerd and listening to any of those songs makes me feel nostalgic.

when im in a bad place, any slow, ballad sounding song can calm me down

15. Do you play an instrument?

i played the flute in middle school but dropped it after less than a week LOL

16. Do you do art? Using what (pencil, watercolor, etc)?

i like doing digital art but im not good at it and i dont have adobe illustrator anymore so i haven’t done anything recently

17. Do you dance? What style of dance?

i cannot dance and no one will make me

IM TOO EMBARRASSED EVEN IF IM ALONE HAHAHA

18. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in astrology?

im a libra

i somewhat believe in astrology, i know there’s more to it than just your sun sign and there are different placements that make you different from the stereotypical traits people use for each sign

a lot of the “things about each sign” can be used for anyone because the responses can be very vague and many people can relate to 

19. Favorite old film?

too many

the shining, the breakfast club, carrie, pretty in pink, etcetcetc

20. What’s your hairstyle?

idk its a mess

curly/wavy and i have hardcut bangs 

21. What weather is the most beautiful, in your opinion?

fall weather, where its like 50 F (or 10 C for all u weirdos out there), cold enough to put on a flannel and boots

22. What upsets you most about the world?

i only have two hands but there are so many cats and dogs. i cannot pet all of them. (IM SORRY THIS WAS UR ANSWER DASHA BUT IM KEEPING IT ITS SO CUTE AND FUNNY AND I RELATE)

23. Are you in love right now?

no

24. Do you have a crush? If so, talk about them!

i dont have a crush lol

25. Do you have pets? Talk about something sweet about them!

yes!!! i have two gorgeous puppies!!! if u wanna check them out u can follow my instagram i post them all the time @ the.moon.atomic

they’re such dorks but they fit my household idk how to describe it they just belong in my house hahha

26. Do you have a lucky number?

i dont really believe in lucky numbers 

27. Have you ever wished on a star? What about on a fallen eyelash?

no, and i never heard about wishing on a fallen eyelash haha

28. Do you believe emoji spells to work?

no???????? i dont even know what that is

29. Do you believe in magic in general?

no

30. What’s the most beautiful thing in life, In your opinion?

when people finally stop hiding their true selves, show their real smiles, and laugh so hard they snort 

idk i just love people, well, most anyway sjsjhzjdsk

31. Opinion on the color pink? What about baby blue?

love them 

theyre such pure colors and they just remind me of newborn babies hahaha

32. What instrumental sound is your favorite?

piano definitely

33. Do you like the sound of wind? What about the sound of rain?

yes! yes to both! i love rain more though, sorry wind

34. Who makes you happy?

my friends, family, and my mutuals 

35. What makes you happy?

listening to music

36. Imagine your ideal life, the life you wish to make, what will that look like?

ohh well i’d be living on germany for starters hahaha

id like to have my own house, maybe living with a best friend

definitely like 5784538902 cats and dogs, i love them 

at some point id like to have a relationship LOL

37. Do you wear makeup? If so what’s your favorite type of makeup or specific makeup product? Favorite store to buy makeup? 

only on rare days ill put on makeup, i only use eyeshadow, liner, and mascara and ive never gone to a store thats just for make up, i just go to a pharmacy lol

38. Do you wear dresses? If so what’s your favorite dress you own?

only if i absolutely have to, the dress i wore for my senior pictures is my favorite

39. Ever been heartbroken? How do you deal with it?

noo, ive never been in a relationship 

40. Who’s your closest friend? What do you love about them?

i kinda really dont have one, not irl anyway

@neo-bangtan @mini-pretzel are my closest friends online, i love everything about u guys

41. Introvert or extrovert?

introvert

42. Do you like MBTI? What’s your MBTI?

im isfj

43. Would you be a fairy, a mermaid, a vampire, a siren, or an angel?

uh idk?? i wouldnt want to be immortal so 

44. What’s the best song a friend has ever introduced to you?

acid jazz singer - the fratellis 

45. Parlez-vous français?

no my french sucks

46. Most beautiful place you’ve been to?

honestly i cant think of any place pennsylvania sucks ahhaha

47. Where/when do you truly feel at home?

home...... my bed...... LOL

48. Does smiling put you in a better mood? Try it right now, you’re smile is gorgeous!

only if im not looking at myself lol

49. Favorite shoe you own?

slip ons or my new balance 

50. Can you walk in stilettos? Do you like them?

N O i am so accident prone i can barely walk barefoot without tripping 

51. Do you feel loved?

kinda? sometimes?

52. How do you express love to those you care about?

just giving them a hug lol or saying i love you

53. Favorite term(s) of endearment?

no ones ever called me any but i like baby, im a simple girl 

54. Most romantic thing someone’s ever done for you?

nothing?

55. When is the happiest you’ve ever been?

meeting new people who share the same interests 

56. Are you happy right now?

im pretty neutral atm

57. What makes you smile?

really awful jokes that ARENT EVEN FUNNY AND TALKING DASHA AND KARINA 

58. Do you laugh a lot?

i guess??

59. What’s your favorite kind of aesthetic?

soft vibes i guess haha

60. Do you want to marry for love or for some other reason (like money)?

i dont see myself marrying but if i would it would definitely be for love

61. What would your dream wedding look like? Do you want to get married?

i dont really want to get married, most of the time it ends in divorce and theres just a lot of paper work and its a hassle i dont see a point in it 

62. Favorite flower?

hydrangeas 

63. Favorite artist?

edgar degas

64. Favorite music artist?

bts lol

65. How kind do you think you are? Is kindness important to you?

i try to be kind to everyone, i dont know if others perceive me that way but i think kindness is very important to me

66. Ever made a playlist for someone?

once and i loved it, pls ask me to make a playlist for u

67. Do you have anything you do to physically comfort you when your sad? Such as a favorite blanket? Or a relaxing bath?

music and a soft blanket 

68. Early bird or night owl?

early bird

69. Morning routine?

wake up, look in the mirror, look away from the mirror, go back to bed. (AGAIN THIS IS UR ANSWER DASHA BUT IM KEEPING IT HHAHAHAHA)

70. Night routine?

shower and watch netflix until i fall asleep

71. What is the most lovely quality a person could have in your opinion?

being humble

72. Do you cry often? Does crying help you get the emotions out? Do you feel better after?

yes yes and yes

im such a cry baby i will cry at everything if u yell at me or if disappoint u im so sensitive 

73. Do you like hugs?

yes but i dont receive many hugs

74. When was the last time you kissed someone?

never

75. Are you small or tall?

small, 5′4 or 164cm

76. Do you like wholesome memes?

who doesnt

77. Favorite thing about the past?

anything that makes me feel nostalgic 

78. Do you ever wonder about the future?

yes

79. Have you ever lived in a different country than you currently live in?

nooo

80. Do you like plane flights? Airports?

ive never been on a plane

81. Sunrises or sunsets?

sunsets

82. The beach or a forest?

beach

83. What time of day do you tend to be in the best mood?

when im sleeping lol

84. Do you push yourself to act together and in a good mood even when you aren’t?

i try to 

85. Favorite kind of tree?

what kind of question is this i dont know anything about trees

86. Do you care about the health of the Earth?

i want to but i dont do anything for it

87. What did you like most about your childhood, if anything?

fieldtrips in school

88. Do you read a lot? What’s your favorite book?

i try to read more, my favorite book is more happy than not 

89. What are you most nostalgic for at the moment?

disney, i just put my christmas tree down and the ornaments are disney characters

90. What’s your favorite personality trait you have?

honesty i guess?

91. List at least ONE thing you love about your appearance.

my eyes

92. When was the last time you truly felt calm, without much of anything to worry about?

after i bathe 

93. Do you worry a lot?

yes all the time

94. The dazzling lights of the city or the relaxing countryside?

dazzling lights of the city

95. Ever changed the shoelaces on one of your shoes? For what reason?

no 

96. Favorite pastry?

??????????? i dont know??????????

97. Do you like doing little acts of kindness?

YEAH

98. How’s your day/night going?

fine so far, i dont have to work today so im just chillaxing 

[hollywayblog]

2017 or How To Be A Depressed Piece of Shit and Still Get Stuff Done

I’ve been putting this off. Partly because I’ve accomplished so much this year I just know I’m going to forget to include many of those accomplishments in this post. But mostly because this year has been fucking hard. It’s impossible to look back on all my achievements without also feeling how lost, angry, lonely, confused, betrayed, anxious, depressed, bereaved etc. I was while conquering these goals.

I could go into the nitty gritties of it all, but this isn’t a self-pitying post. This post exists because no one – including me – gave enough of a shit when I actually did these things, which I did while grieving, while battling mental illness, while trying to be a good person, while living in a situation that does everything it possibly can to deter productivity. And fuck, man, I am choosing now to fucking appreciate myself and all the amazing things I did this year. Things I only ever dreamed of doing in some distant someday.

I am also making this to provide a little bit of motivation for anyone who is in the same position I was in a year ago – thinking “I would love to actually make a living as an artist but I’m too scared to share my work.” Well, here are a few tips for you, including:

1.       Don’t be a fucking idiot. If you’re too afraid to share your work you will never get recognised. You will never get feedback. You will never get better. There is no magical time where you’re going to feel 100% ready. Sit down, work on something you care about until it’s done to your standards – or as close as it’s ever gonna get – and choose someone to share it with. Bonus points if it’s someone you know will be honest with you.

2.       Whatever your craft is, practice every day. If you’re a writer you must write every day, even if it’s just keeping a journal. Practice does not make perfect and it would be boring if it did. Practice simply ensures that every day you’re alive you are getting better. Besides, the consistency with which you work makes the difference between a professional and a hobbyist. Decide which one you really wanna be.

3.       Support other artists. Subscribe to Patreons. Watch people’s YouTube ads. Like and reblog/retweet. Share the things you love – and make sure you include the source. I’m going to write a whole article about this, but what goes around comes around. DO NOT expect people to support you if you’re living in your own little bubble not making an effort to support anyone else. (But also don’t expect the people you support to give your energy back to you. You can’t control other people. Support because you genuinely want to and not on an unspoken quid pro quo basis.)

4.       Make sure you take time to study your craft. This is different from practicing. For example, as a writer and future director I watch many film analyses, and when I watch TV and film or read a book my brain is always combing through the details. If you’re a painter, for example, take trips to the museum and study – actually study – paintings. You should also switch off sometimes and just exist. Just feel life, textures, colours. Breathe. You cannot be outputting content all the time. But with that said…

5.       Work motherfucking hard. There’s a terrible saying, “Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” It’s utter bullshit. Most people who are passionate about their career work harder, longer and with more mental awareness than almost anyone. Caring about the thing you’re working on is fucking exhausting, and if you’re not prepared to work hard then see above; you may be a hobbyist and not a professional. That is perfectly fine. In fact I wish I had the luck to be able to continue writing in that capacity, where it is just a fun personal project and not a succubus consuming my life. But alas.

6.       Deadlines can help with projects, but don’t put time constraints on your success – whatever that is to you. Even working harder than anyone has ever worked will not grant you instant gratification. I have been a serious, working writer for almost a year and I am not earning a living AT ALL. That is not unusual. I have laid the foundation for my career, and that ain’t nothing, but that’s something I have to remind myself every day. These things take time. And with this in mind...

7.       The work must be the reward. I’ll say it louder for the people in the back: THE WORK MUST BE THE REWARD. Probably a lot of this is to do with my mental illness, but when I first held Crying on My Birthday – my book of poems – I felt… nothing. Same when I finished National Novel Writing Month. Same when I finished the first draft of my first novel. Same when I finished the first draft of my second novel. Same 90% of times people tell me they couldn’t stop reading my stories. I acknowledge those things on a logical level, but they don’t warm me. But you know what did feel like something? Cultivating those works. Writing those poems, getting to know those characters, those moments when the story just opens up to you and tells you where it’s going. I also feel a certain satisfaction when I reread my own work after a long time; a kind of, “Oh. I wrote that?” The point is that just like New Year’s and Christmas, the big moments rarely feel like they should. If you hate the process of writing, don’t be a writer. As challenging as it is, I love writing. It’s one of the only times when my mind is focused on only one thing and not an exhausting swirl of every problem ever posed to mankind. And hey, maybe one day I’ll reach a milestone that feels significant, but to be honest I doubt it. In general I suck at feeling what I’m supposed to. The. Work. Must. Be. The. Reward.

So where did these principles actually get me in 2017? In just under twelve months, here’s what I made happen:

-          Conceptualised, wrote, edited, formatted and published an anthology of poems all within three weeks.

-          Completed National Novel Writing Month (50,000 words of a novel in the month of November) then proceeded to complete the almost 80,000 word first draft by mid-December.

-          Finished the in-depth episode outline of the television series I’m writing with my sister.

-          Edited and formatted my sister’s novel.

-          Got published in HighGloss Magazine, became a regular contributor of articles and poetry.

-          Joined a writing group, met other writers, published an anthology together which featured my short story.

-          Began to edit the charity anthology I’m publishing. (Still accepting submissions.)

-          Got offered a job as a copywriter. (Stay tuned.)

-          Wrote my first ever short story which I entered in a competition (didn’t win, whatever).

-          Wrote two more short stories.

-          Wrote a thriller novella which I published on Wattpad on a chapter-per-week basis.

-          Wrote, edited and published several poems online. I won’t go into how much each one of them means to me and how much courage it took to share them.

-          Wrote a poem for my friend Sarah, still one of my favourite things I’ve ever written.

-          Wrote a piece of fiction for my friend Hayley.

-          Hosted the “1KADAY” challenge, which went on to become the online writing group I run.

-          Created my first short film.

-          Took up film photography, something I am so ridiculously in love with.

-          Returned to/fell back in love with the gym after so many years of letting my anxiety get in the way.

-          Read twenty novels, probably a quarter of which became some of my all-time favourites.

-          Vastly improved my French.

-          Curated some bomb playlists that people loved.

-          Drove again for the first time in years, got closer to getting my license.

-          Read my poems out loud to people I care about.

-          Learned several songs on my shitty keyboard, learned to play badly and sing without shame.

-          Wrote a tonne of lyrics.

-          Somewhat maintained this blog. Somewhat.

-          Got up the guts to make a Patreon.

-          Helped others with their writing whenever I got the chance.

-          Made art that helped people. Made art that helped me.

-          Never gave up.

-          Proved to myself what an unstoppable badass I am. Like seriously what the fuck I’m amazing.

-          Survived this fucking year.

P.S. I won’t be making a 2018 goals blog. I realised that what I achieved in 2017 differed so greatly from (and far excelled) what I intended to do that there was no real point projecting into the next twelve months what might happen. I find it much more productive to sit down at the start of each month and week and get my priorities straight.

[alittlealien007]

Watch "The Comments ทุกความคิดเห็น..มีฆ่า" on YouTube

Made a long ass comment about this series on YT and I just thought about posting it here as well just because.

I have a lot to say so here goes.

First, to anyone thinking that it's too late or you can't change things anymore, please remember that it is never too late. No one reading knows me irl and if you do, you'll probs think it's very hypocritical of me to cheer people up given that I'm me (me being someone diagnosed with major depressive disorder and go on bouts of intense suicidal moments), but when I'm in my lighter moods, I do see that there's still hope and future in this most-of-the-time cruel world, and I hope that you do see that too even in your darkest night. No one is truly alone. Your parents may not understand, your friends may call you an attention seeker, anyone surrounding you may roll their eyes at you, but remember to reach out and you'll see that there's a lot out there who are willing to listen and tell you that you are enough and it's okay to not be okay. If you need time to wallow in your sadness, please do so. If you need to tell people that you have a mental illness, then don't hesitate to do that. And if they mock or ignore you, then that's not on you. It's on them. You don't have to hide that you're hurting if you're hurting. You don't have to fake a smile if you can't. And again, if someone calls you a party-pooper then it's okay to cut ties with that person. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. You're already dealing with your own. Self-care is okay as long as you're not intentionally and maliciously hurting anyone. And I cannot stress this enough, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are a lot of us out here who will listen if you just reach out. I wish that you'll be able to surround yourself as well with a good support system because that honestly makes a huge difference. I wish you the best.

Second, there's nothing wrong with dropping a friend who causes you toxicity. There's nothing wrong with cutting ties with a friend who blames you if you start withdrawing from them because of your mental illness. A good friend would understand you if you need time for yourself, will not push you to share when you don't want to, and will listen and understand when you do share. They will not put you down. Now, the thing with this is that you should also see when it's you who is being toxic to them, and you shouldn't do that either. Having a mental illness doesn't give you a free pass to control someone else's life. That's not how thing goes. You should still know your boundaries as a human to another fellow human. Treat others the way you want to be treated and live life without hurting anyone. I know some may say bad things because of their mental illness and I hope that the people surrounding you are people who will understand that your mental illness is not your only trait as a person. It's your illness but it's not you. If you unintentionally do or say bad things, apologize. If they don't understand, then maybe it's time to let them go. Ensure that while you're keeping your life free of toxic people, you also aren't a toxic person to someone else. Simply put, avoid poison and also avoid being a poison.

Third and this one is also close to my heart that I've probs ranted about this in a lot of episodes in this series, if you're already a parent or thinking of building your own family, please prioritize your children's needs, especially emotional needs, over your own. I'm not saying you aren't allowed to have fun anymore, specifically for you single parents out there. What I'm saying is that please, please, please don't do anything that could potentially hurt your child. Don't be selfish. You chose to bring that child into this world. You chose to put them here. And for someone who chose to do just that, you should then live your life acknowledging that in the palm of your hands is the life of a human who you could help flourish or destroy. And I hope you obviously choose to ensure the best things for that human life you brought forth in this world. (Because if not, I'll murder you. Kidding. Or not.)

Fourth, as a fangirl, I can't explain to non-fans how much happiness and sometimes my sanity relies on shows, music, books, and anything I geek out about. And that also includes the celebrities, musicians, and authors of those things. Watching my fave idol makes me smile and makes me forget my worries even for a little while. And I know a number of those who may read this knows that exact feeling of being saved by a complete stranger through their art. And I hope that while we love them for their works, we also respect them as humans themselves. I hope we don't make life hell for them by stopping them from living their own lives. Again, they're humans and not puppets. As long as they're not doing anything actually illegal then no one has the right to put them down. Constructive criticism is okay. Criticism alone? Not so much. Remember to respect your fave's boundaries and acknowledge your limitations in their lives as a fan.

Social media and the internet is great but hold yourself responsible. Also, why spend your precious time hating on someone when you could spend it on liking something else? Again, I'm not saying criticism is bad because constructive criticism isn't. If you're pointing out a flaw, ensure that it actually is a flaw and not you making a mountain out of a mole and ensure that you have a solution in fixing that flaw. Don't hate just because no one would know anyway, since at the end of the day, you would know. And one way or another, you knowing would eventually gnaw at your conscience and you'll also end up hurting yourself.

Lastly and wow this is long, I want to say I'm impressed with how straightforward this series is. It calls out everyone, and it shows how people are flawed but they can change. Hopefully though, we don't only consider changing after someone's life had already been spent because then that's just sad. Anyway, thanks GMMTV for a good series that allows people to discuss on a very important part of all our lives. Kudos.

Sorry for the long post, uhh, rant. If you made it to this end, I just want to repeat that if you ever feel like no one else is there for you, open your eyes wider, reach out as many times as you can, and you will see that you're not alone.

[clumsyclifford]

hihi! no thank you for calling me baby a. i love it so much b. it reminded me that i needed to respond to you hjadladha im that type of texter that either responds within 3 seconds or not for like 3 weeks so yikes for me i guess anyway this is a two-fold message bc 1. songs and 2. high holidays so first! i have the jane bordeaux playlist made i just need to go through and add songs but i have no time bc classes so itll happen eventually i guess??? i really just need to put it on my to-do (1/?)

list to constantly remind myself abt it. ha'ahava is gorgeous and i just saved the rest of the album to make sure that i listen later but yes static and ben-el wrote fabulous from hsm im sorry im just here to tell you the facts their music is just so good and upbeat and catchy ur right we deserve a whole album and you are also right they do have some bad songs but i cant believe you didnt mention broke ass millionaire the english version of silsulim that is a whole new song and also dumb (2/?)

but i will say the dumb/weird-ness of their songs is a big part of the appeal for me anyway i have a whole youtube playlist of mostly old hebrew songs that i need to try and remake in spotify but catch me putting the entire static/ben-el discography in it. i am pretty much always feelin some type of jewish so! here i am! i think it was you (or maybe another jewish 5sos blog??? i barely look at urls ahjkdasld) that tagged some picture of 5sos with like baruch hashem or something (3/?)

n i laughed my ass off for a very long time and then was very excited about another jewish person here in 5sos-land. i actually have like 12 tabs worth of rosh hashanah themed coloring pages open rn bc im planning my schools RH program this year and i love arts and crafts so good timing haha on actual RH im driving to go see a friend i havent seen in like 4 mos so ill probably just find a live stream for erev RH services and try to find a circular challah on the day and have that be it :) (4/?)

i do usually fast on yom kippur and ill probably find a stream for kol nidre and YK day theres some pretty interesting ones out i do usually fast on yom kippur and ill probably find a stream for kol nidre and YK day theres some pretty interesting ones out there but im also a fan of the good ol traditional (5/?)

im not living with any other jews this semester but my colleges jewish community is doing a pretty good job of staying connected remotely but i also love making random jewish connections everywhere (and playing jewish geography ajdas) there are no questions in this so pls liveblog ur reactions and all of ur thots (6/6) - שירים

ps wow sorry this got long i think its the longest message ive ever sent wowie :)))) (7/6)

omg okay i cant believe i actually summoned you im gonna put answers under the cut because u know i am a respectful blog runner

i am also one of those texters algkjdfgkdj so i am flattered that you got back to me so promptly!! very excited for the jane bordeaux playlist i hope you will share it with me or at least tell me what’s on it so i can make it myself not trying to manipulate you into revealing your identity i promise

AHHH tell me what you think of the ivri album god im so excited ive been listening to it quite a lot lately LOVING קר קר unsurprisingly dkfjgkdfjg LOOK i didnt mention broke ass millionaire because (1) it’s just a bad new version of silsulim so i feel like the existence of silsulim negates it and (2) i repressed it and am pretending it doesnt exist. but you’re RIGHT ok that song is garbage

JDFKLGLFDGJ EXTREMELY bold of u to assume there are other Very Jewish 5sos Blogs im pretty sure it was me who tagged it baruch hashem god i wish i could find what post it was but it sounds like something i would do

oh thats so cute !! omg rosh hashanah coloring pages......charming honestly i love that. and that sounds like a really nice plan tbh 

wondering if your 4th message got cut off somehow?? but anyway yeah i also fast had to email my profs for the classes i have that day and tell them im not coming to class :))) love not getting YK off :)))) but at any rate i don’t know what im planning to do about services i really Don’t Like services especially not on yom kippur but it is nice to do in a way but also i don’t wanna do services on zoom that sucks so like......we’ll see. we will just have to see

oh my god i LOVE jewish geography you know what shirim anon i bet we could play it. where are you from where do you live

[ultralifehackerguru-blog]

New Post has been published on http://www.lifehacker.guru/get-over-a-micro-breakup-with-these-six-slightly-cynical-strategies/

Get Over a Micro-Breakup With These Six Slightly Cynical Strategies

When I moved out from the apartment I shared with my husband, two dogs, and a cat, it hurt real bad, but it hurt in a way that I fully expected. There was nothing surprising about the feelings that accompanied the dissolution of a ten-year relationship; I was devastated, but it would be weird if I hadn’t been. Entire movie plots are dedicated to big, proper, capital-B Breakups, but not much attention is paid to the smaller, seemingly less significant “micro-breakups,” a term used by Britany Robinson to describe the end of something that never really was.

This may be why I was very cavalier when I first returned to world of dating. Not only were my expectations fairly low—based on everything I had read and watched about dating in the internet age, this was going to suck—but I felt fairly invincible, hurt feelings-wise. I had lost my husband, so I wasn’t about to get all weepy over what the kids were referring to as “fuckboys.”

So imagine my surprise when I reacted very poorly to my first micro-breakup. I had only gone on a couple of dates with this guy, and I thought he was nice enough (and looked like the lead singer of The National), but I certainly wasn’t in love with him, and reacted disproportionately to his “I’m not feeling this” text. I didn’t cry, but I had this sinking, terrible feeling in my chest that wouldn’t go away, and I felt stupid for having it.

Basically, going through a “real” breakup is like losing a limb. Everyone is properly upset for you, no one expects you to heal super quickly, and your mindset becomes “well, I guess I better adjust to life without this arm, because it’s not coming back.” The micro-breakup is like a paper cut. No one gives a fuck, and you know it will eventually work itself out, but it’s really, distractingly annoying—maybe even infuriating—in the moment. I’ve gone through a few of these and, though they still smart, I have developed a few strategies for soothing the sting of these emotional paper cuts.

Try and Identify Why You’re Actually Upset

Chances are, you’re feelings of sadness have less to do with the loss of a person, and more to do with rejection, wounded pride, and the frustration of dating in general. When Matt Berninger’s doppelganger called it off, I was more upset about him not liking me than I was about his sudden absence in my life. Even though our dates had consisted of him bitterly complaining about his ex over whiskey, I was excited that a good-looking dude seemed interested in me, and the sudden lack of that interest made me feel bad about myself. Realizing that my ego was bruised but my heart wasn’t even a little broken didn’t immediately put a smile on my face, but it encouraged me to practice some self-care and be nice to myself, which helped build my self-esteem back up.

If you’re having a hard time identifying exactly why you’re upset, I recommend going the Morning Pages route, and writing three pages longhand, stream-of-consciousness style, filling those pages with whatever pops into your head. Don’t think; just write. You may be surprised with what comes up. Once you have a handle on why you’re really upset, you can process it and move on.

Remember the Micro-Bad

The thing about long-term relationships is that you’ve had a good long while to see the good, the bad, and the really ugly. The bad and ugly are obviously not good, but at least you can frame them in a pleasing “ugh, at least I don’t have to deal with that crap anymore” light. You don’t have that exact luxury with micro-breakups, but you can adopt a similar strategy by remembering all the little things that gave you pause on the first couple of encounters.

I was seeing a dude who was pretty perfect on paper. He was a writer who made me laugh and responded to my texts quickly and said he enjoyed my company. I thought I was very into him, even though I never felt like I could relax and totally be myself in his presence. I chalked up my anxious feelings surrounding him to “butterflies,” when in actuality he just made me ill at ease. But when he texted me to tell me that a wedding had “made him think about love,” and he couldn’t see me anymore, I was bummed. (After all, this guy had given me a book on our second date. How romantic is that?)

But a few hours later I noticed I felt something else besides “bummed.” I felt relieved. Not only did this generalized anxiety I had been carrying around with me for a couple of weeks start to fade, but I could finally admit to myself that I was only pretending to enjoy the book he gave me. Reminding yourself of the things you don’t like about someone may seem slightly “sour grapes,” but remembering little things you may have ignored in an effort to “give them a chance” can be very freeing. Annoying table manners, shark tooth necklaces, and dissimilar taste in music may not be deal breakers, but isn’t it nice that you don’t have to deal with them?

Use It As Fodder

More than one man has ended our interactions with “Please don’t write about me,” and I have always responded with a blank stare until they add “at least change my name if you do.” I am of the opinion that, as long as you don’t provide any identifying information, no one can tell you how to use your own experiences. Turning any amount of pain into art—whether you publish it or not—can be deeply cathartic. I’m not saying every little non-breakup is worth an epic poem; I’ve experienced great relief from writing a dumb, darkly humorous tweet about romantic disappointment. Not only does it let you laugh at yourself and the situation, but others will most likely commiserate, and it’s always nice to feel less alone.

Move Around a Bit

As much as I hate running, there are times when nothing else will do, and I have gone on many post-not-quite-breakup rage runs. The endorphins are great and all, but there’s something about angrily hitting the pavement with my feet that is very good for my wounded pride, if not my knees. It also helps to have a rage run playlist. Two of my must-have songs for such a list are this one and this one. Of course, you don’t have to run. Any kind of highly physical activity will help, though I recommend something fairly intense. A bit of physical pain can really distract from a spot of emotional anguish.

Don’t Commit If No One Is Asking You To

This may seem like a cynical approach, but having a few balls in the air prevents you from getting too focused on one ball. Put simply: if no one has asked you to be in a relationship, you’re not in one. This means you can (and should) keep seeing other people until someone asks you not to. This keeps you from putting all of your emotional eggs in one basket and, if one of those baskets gets overturned, it won’t hurt as much because you still have some eggs in other, different baskets. If these metaphors about balls and eggs are getting a bit much, think of it this way: the worst part of the micro-breakup—assuming you haven’t actually fallen in love—is the sudden withdrawal of interest and attention. If you are getting interest and attention from a few sources, the loss of one source sucks less.

I actually received the “I went to a wedding and as a result wish to end our non-relationship” text while on date with another dude. I must have made a frowny face, because the dude asked me what was wrong. “Oh,” I said, “a guy I was seeing just texted to tell me he doesn’t want to see me anymore.” (I am nothing if not an honest oversharer.) “What an idiot,” Dude-I-Was-on-a-Date-With replied. That simple sentence provided just enough of an ego boost to soothe the micro-breakup sting, and I then turned my attention to Dude-I-Was-on-a-Date-With, who was genuinely thrilled to be hanging out with me. (That dude is now Dude-Who-Has-a-Toothbrush-at-my-Place.)

Go Nuclear

Dating can be super-dehumanizing, and sometimes you need to just quit doing it for a while. Dating apps aren’t going anywhere, and you’re most likely not going to miss out on your soulmate if you delete Tinder for a few weeks. (I have personally deleted Tinder a total of five times, and each time was extremely cathartic.) Though it’s very nice to feel liked and desired by other people, whether or not someone you interacted with a few times wants to date you or buy you drinks or sleep with you does not define your value as a human, and sometimes a break from the brutal world of dating is necessary to remind yourself of that.

If you find yourself feeling disproportionately dejected, or just plain exhausted by the demise of a not-quite-relationship, consider deleting the apps, and spending that time, energy, and money doing things you know, without a doubt, will bring you joy. Hang out with your best friends and biggest fans, and let those connections build you back up. Take yourself out on dates, and go to concerts, movies, restaurants, and museums alone. (Seriously, a solo art museum trip is pure heaven; you can spend as much time as you like with the works you enjoy and skip those you don’t.) The great thing about being single is having complete authority over every bit of your free time, and you shouldn’t let the disappointment of a micro-breakup prevent you from enjoying it.

More Dating and Breakup Advice:

How to Tell Someone You Have an STD

Financial Infidelity Can Ruin Your Relationship—And It’s More Common Than You Think

The Breakup Songs Playlist

©