#maybe ill post some cosplays at some point to get over it

[cloud8doesstuff]

"Overcome failure at any cost, even if it means betraying others"… That is our family motto! The cold reality of kicking people down is part of business! Virtues and sentiments are for losers.''

📷-cardeas.ph over on insta!

RAAAA NEED TO FINALLY POST THIS WITHOUT PUSSYIN OUT I SWEAR IVE TRIED LIKE 20 TIMES.

So, this Cosplay was sorta a big part of why art was slow the last year n a bit. after being sorta disrespected to the point of having to quit artschool around lastyear, art left a bad taste in my mouth for a min and i really needed to sorta shift creative hobbies for a while, so SOMEHOW i thought building a fuckin spacesuit in my one bedroom apartment was a good idea :))). I really wanted to take some more silly photos too but this costume was AWFUL to manuver in alone, i already had to take everything on public transport like 4 times to get to the con. for sure one of those cosplays where i prob should have had a handler come with me. Then again if i had friends i wouldn't have spent practically 2 years building a giant fuckin shadow okumura costume lmao.

There's alot AND I MEAN ALOT of parts to this costume i would approach very very differently if i was gonna do over, i didnt get a sewing machine till p much everything was finished so some stuff like the faux leather gloves came out so ugly lookin sadly. But i learnt alot! there was alot of stuff in this costume i was very unsure about approaching, such as the helmet. and i couldnt find anythin similar online so i kinda had to just "fuck around and find out" for lack of better term.

ALSO ALSO! big and i mean BIG fuckin shoutout to the persona 5 the stage project!! i used the Okumura costume they built for that as reference and i probably wouldnt have even attempted it if it wasnt for seeing it in the live action stage play! I sadly have no idea who did the costuming for that set but absolute props to them, they are my god damn hero. Ik the 3rd part featuring the futaba and okumura arc isnt widely avalable online but maybe just maybe i was crazy enough to find it on dvd n rip it n maybe ill be able to send it to peeps if they care enough to reach out :) if you like just weird ass offical persona 5 stuff or vidya stageplay adaptations i highly recomend watching em!

If you've read this far into my mad ramblings, Thank you! this turned out to be a really personal sorta endevor for me, and i hopfully can muster up the guts to post other cosplay stuff in the future!

More digital art to come soon!

✨️🍔🤖

[zuzsenpai]

This is another personal post with TW mental illness. I'm sorry there have been so many recently. I really have nowhere else to put these things. Feel free to ignore.

I don't think my depression has ever been this bad before, in the almost 13 years I've had it. For maybe the past two months it's been steadily growing to a point of intensity that I can't ignore. The absolutely awful feelings won't go away. I can't stop thinking about how miserable I feel.

I can barely take care of myself. I eat takeout every day. There's garbage everywhere at my house. I can't get shit done at work and at some point people are going to notice. I have multiple really REALLY urgent doctor's appointments/calls I HAVE to make (one of which is to my psychiatrist who apparently I'm blocked from messaging on the healthcare app), yet I can't seem to pick up the phone. I am mentally incapable somehow. There's a wall there.

I have been told to exercise and meditate and I physically and mentally cannot. Again, there is a wall.

I have a video game I wanted to play, I try to play it, and I feel completely unattached to it (even though I have loved it in the past). I joined a really exclusive roleplay community for that game and proceeded to be too overwhelmed to make the character application and now the mods are asking me what I want to do. I haven't written fanfiction in two months because of severe burnout, and I miss it so desperately that it's making me realize I might have been using it as a bandaid/distraction. But my brain is so fried that I feel too overwhelmed to write again. People are leaving me nice comments on my fics and I can't even bring myself to read them let alone respond to them. My memory is so bad that I can't remember a lot of what happens in any of my fave series' and I feel like creating good fan content for those things is impossible at this point.

I'm ignoring online friends in my favorite server. I promised multiple IRL friends I would watch animes they like and I am feeling guilty that I mentally cannot do that. I'm dreading the two anime cons I have coming up in March because I don't think I'm going to feel comfortable in my cosplay this year. I have a close friend (who is also my coworker) who keeps trying to get me to do things with her and her husband and I keep turning them down because I'm worried I'll get overwhelmed by social anxiety and general awkwardness. Just the thought of having awkward social interactions is terrifying me and pushing me down harder than it ever has.

I had a boyfriend between October 2022 and December 2023, but I felt like it was a huge chore every time I had to see him and I developed zero feelings for him. I felt repulsed by the thought of us being romantic. We ghosted each other in December and now I feel like shit about it because he may have been the only chance I'll ever have at a relationship... but I also am in such a bad state that it's probably good things are over. Why don't I feel relieved?

I'm having physical tics in my abdomen and jaw that are getting worse and worse to the point of pain and people noticing. I can't talk to literally anyone without sounding upset, negative, angry. I had my best friends from out of state over a few weekends ago and I was so sick the whole time, I felt like I was letting them down. I've been repeating awkward interactions with friends and coworkers over and over in my head to the point where I think about it at night.

I haven't put my Christmas decorations away because I fucking CAN'T.

This week has been particularly bad. Yesterday I was working from home because of snow. When the snow stopped I rushed to my parents' house because I needed to be somewhere with people I know. But I was so negative in how I spoke with them, and it's making me feel even worse. I used to be really talkative and intelligent when having conversations with my family, but depression has taken that away from me pretty badly over the years, to the point where I can barely talk without thinking about how absolutely dreadful I am at conversation.

But today might be the worst of it (unrelated to Valentine's Day, though it certainly isn't helping). It pained me emotionally and physically to get out of bed, and I wanted to take a mental health day. Literally fell back asleep for an hour before I had to get up and DREAMT about taking a mental health day. But being alone at home is actually so much worse than being at work where there are at least people I am comfortable with. So I went in. I have been absolutely bombarded with depressed feelings all day though. I get up to walk down the hall to the bathroom and somehow that feels worse than sitting and staring at my computer without accomplishing anything. I'm sitting here crying at work, completely destroying the four months of tally marks I had for 'days without crying at work'. I didn't break my record, sadly.

I have a therapist. I have an appointment with her today actually. Maybe I'll just read all of this to her. I don't know where it's going to lead or what she's going to tell me to do, but all I want is to walk down the hall to the bathroom and have at least average, neutral emotions instead of carrying a chest full of raging depression. I want to be able to say something happy to someone so that they don't dump me as a friend for being toxically negative. I want to live, and I have things to live for. But damn if this depression isn't making it extremely difficult to enjoy those things.

[tame-a-messenger]

Hey, thanks for taking me submission. I guess it’s not really an ask other than please share your thoughts too! Just have to get something off my chest.

There have been a lot of comments on YT, Reddit and Twitter about Damien not being in as much content and not being listed as Games Producer for the last three videos.

First one is honestly to be expected as he was sick. Second one is interesting. I follow his streams and sometimes watch when he guests on Podcasts. He’s been saying he’ll have more time to stream, he has some major projects coming up and he’s going to create his own content on his own channel.

Some of the community thinks Smosh demoted him because he actually posted about the current events over in Israel/Palestine but I personally think he just wasn’t able to fulfill the role of producer the way he wanted. (Perfectionist - something I find Angela has in common with him.)

Anyway, all this to say, I think Damien is stepping back from Smosh a little. I am hoping it doesn’t mean a reduction of content that he’s in but you never know. I think being responsible for coming up with content in addition to appearing as talent is really hard on his time and he’s reached a limit.

The funeral was a big example of this. To appear in the funeral wasn’t just showing up; many livestreams mentioned rehearsal after rehearsal and attending several writing meetings. I just don’t think he had time.

While I think the halftime show of the funeral with Chanse and Angela was awesome, Damien could have come in and support it or I was thinking he could have showed up as backup for Anthony with his vampire cosplay. It would have been great but I get why he didn’t do it.

Anyway, more damngela content with Sword AF coming in three days!

Thanks for sending in a submission! I love chatting about stuff! keep em' coming!

I've been seeing people talk about Damien not being listed as producer last 3 vids, I've also been hearing whispers of Damien doing more streaming and videos on his own YouTube channel.

I don't think he'll fully leave Smosh anytime soon, maybe he's going to be strictly talent from now on (like how Angela and others are "just" talent, she doesn't produce or direct just shows up to do shoots) I hope he'll do that if anything.

I saw a clip of him from his stream the other day and someone was asking why he wasn't in the funeral roast and he said he was in the audience (not sure if that meant physical on set audience or online audience) watching! I wont lie, also was wanting him to show up in it though :(

I think it'd be great to have Damien as mainly talent! recently he seems more chill so if that because he's taken a step back then I'm all for it! Maybe it'll be like the inverse of what Kimmy did, instead of being talent she became a producer, and maybe he'll become just talent? as long as he stays at Smosh ill be happy :)

Quite honestly I feel like hiring more strictly producers is really good for Smosh and the people on the cast, they say their shoot week is SUPER draining so if its better and healthier for them that's great! Plus having someone solely dedicated to finding and sourcing games for them to play, we'll probably get better content! (something about overworking and echo chambers makes for stale content something something) my point is if they're happy and healthy I'm happy :)

[cosmicjoke]

OMG I don't know if you've seen this yet but in the Levi tag 7m7n7 has made another post insulting you and some of your mutuals(didn't even take her a week lol). Basically she said you hate top/masculine Levi and that you did woobify him and think you own him, and that you're just like every other eruri. Also they posted a bunch of eruri accounts and some were calling Levi a twink, Erwin's bottom pillow princess. Others saying they can't see how other people can call Levi straight and dom, others using gay slurs etc. You know, the post is kind of crazy and all over the place. I think the thing 7m7n7 doesn't get is how big the eruri fandom is and how every big fandom has bad apples. That's not an excuse but it's a fact. Bad apples can literally be found in the self shipping community too, we've seen how some of them have issues with Levi showing vulnerability or emotions outside of anger. As well as with other Levi ships all round. Personally I wouldn't care if she goes at it with those eruri shippers who she feels are degrading Levi's character but she literally attacks every other eruri shipper, THAT'S the problem. She even goes after those actually minding their business and are not even on twitter or Tumblr but are writing their fics on ao3. She says the most vile things to everyone. Sorry but there's LITERALLY no excuse for her to tell one eruri ao3 writer that she's glad that her father died or telling other people she wishes they die or get raped because they have degraded her favorite character, which she herself also degrades and mischaracterize btw. I don't know how she doesn't notice how fucking crazy she sounds?!? Thinking she does what she does because she's fed up of the eruri fandom. And the funny thing is, I know some of the eruris she posted about as proof to show that even other eruris were also complaining about some eruris teasing self shippers or being misogynistic(which literally proves that not all eruris are the same lol because they literally call eact other out. It literally flew over her head) And she has insulted and attacked those she sees as better eruris too lmao, so what's her point. Plus those eruris also dislike her and have her blocked.

Additionally, she even attaked YOU, a very well known Levi defender who had also been going at it with some toxic shippers from all round, from some eruris and self shippers alike. So clearly she's full of shit.

And the hypocrisy is that okay fine she hates eruris, then why does she also hate rivakopon lol. She literally called someone MENTALLY ILL for saying Levi and Onyankopon likely got closer after the war. This person was a Colt/ Falco fan account btw so not an eruri lol.

Let's not forget she has also been caught cosplaying as an eruri on multiple occasions on different alt accounts. So at this point she might likely as well be some of the eruris she's complaining about. How are we to know.

lol, Yeah, I just got tagged, so I've glanced at the meltdown of epic proportions @7n7m7 is having. I only read like the first three paragraphs before I lost interest, lol. Maybe I'll read the rest later just to have a laugh. She's nothing but a freak show and a loser. The fact she can't accept on any level that her interpretation of Levi is just as much bullshit and fantasy as the worst eururi shippers who characterize Levi as some submissive bitch, again, just demonstrates her biblical levels of unawareness. The fact she keeps ranting without having any concept of what she looks like, any concept that everyone and their mother can see SHE started it and got her ass called out for it, again, demonstrates her complete lack of introspection or intelligence. And the fact she can't let it go just solidifies that further, lol.

At the end of the day, what this really boils down to is her insecurity and delusion. She's "in love" with Levi, she says, but what she's really in love with is her warped sexual fantasy that she imposes onto Levi's character, and can't bear to acknowledge Levi's actual character and who he actually is, because it disrupts her ability to indulge in that warped sexual fantasy. That's why she rages against every male/male ship that involves Levi. It's why she hates the idea of Levi being with Onyankopon. She's a fucking homophobic piece of shit, and also apparently likes the idea of Levi slapping the shit out of her, so, you know... If Levi was real, maybe she'd get her wish, just for her being such an incredible dumbass, though, because I know Levi wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole, otherwise, lol.

Anyway, this whole thing has just left me laughing. She's whining about her response to my call-out post only getting two replies and trying to blame it on me harassing people, when I've never harassed anyone or sent anyone anonymous messages, or any messages at all, lol. She only got two replies because everyone knows she's a fucking moron and that it's her own fault this all happened, because she couldn't just be normal and disagree with even an ounce of respect.

It's fine. She's wrong about Levi, and she probably knows it deep down, and that's why she can't handle any of this, and can't handle people discussing Levi's trauma and emotions, because every time she sees it, it reminds her of how her own, fanon version of Levi that she harbors in her feverish brain is completely antithetical to who Levi actually is.

Keep trying @7m7n7. Everybody is laughing at the clown.

[cumplanecrash]

Left to right: age 10/11, age 14/15, age 18/19, college/working adult, Transmigrated as Liu Qingge, LQG cosplay/possible future transition goals.

putting my insane ramblings under a cut but if you know one thing about my daughter, please let it be that she has read like. maybe 20 chapters of PIDW before she died. In English, I'm thinking LA area?She's part of a cosplay group, she got assigned Liu Qingge, but never got to a part where his name was mentioned. For the meetup she mostly just did a half-assed Vegeta (like the poses and also some bullshit about fighting with dignity) which worked fine for a photoshoot but maybe isn't gonna work out so good when she has to BE him.

Middle School

trying too hard to fit in with the popular (white) crowd

visits to the grandparents for New Years are still happening at this point, her aunties make fun of her "it's like she's turning into one of those haunted dolls in the movies"

High School (early)

dad dies and things get rough

mom gets a good UAW job which keeps things afloat

several fights about whether she's allowed to get a job or not. mom's worried because her grades are already slipping without tutoring from polysci major dad, melissa just wants to buy videogames and escape for a while

High School (late)

gets into gaming and through that cosplay

is the makeup guru of the group (popular girl skills)

finds her people among the theater nerds (mostly actors, especially musicals. behind the house skills are In Demand, and Melissa doesn't mind having something to do with her hands)

meets longterm bestie Luis Vargas (modern au!lbh if you're into that). he is the first trans guy she's ever met and she thinks he is SO handsome but also like. has the same hang ups about food that she does. (No, the carbs are the base of the pyramid for a reason. you need energy to even digest anything else, what the fuck dude?) they get along like a house on fire so they have an ill-advised fling

it goes poorly. he calls her a prude. she calls him a whore. he says, you know what, bet, and starts camming, which gets him kicked out of his parents' house eventually.

around here her brother (idk micheal)(modern au lmy you're not allowed to not be into that) dies but she has a support system this time. still sucks, but she's able to do escapism when she wants to do that, she has people to cry on when she needs to do that. it's not as sucks.

College/Work

she's like a yoga instructor or smth. like something physical, but not a martial art.

going to school part time for a certification in personal conditioning, personal trainers are In Demand in LA

like 2/3 of her friend group are influencers or trying to break into acting or singing or Something and she's over here like "you need to put on some weight. no not inches, muscle. here, hold this over your head for thirty seconds. and then eat some rice ffs."

finds out she's getting two-timed when Luis lets a mutual friend borrow his phone and she happens to see the lock screen and that's???? my girlfriend???

they get revenge, obviously. and their bond is now the kind of unshakable that like "fuck you only i'm allowed to call him a $2 whore"

he listens to her Geek Out About Nutrition for several hours and is like. bet. hey so I actually know how to cook, should we like. make some recipes

there's ABSOLUTELY a publisher who is willing to publish the Only Fans Cookbook, and gets lowkey mad when literally nobody wants to call it that

gets some shit frequently because "why did you collab with an of model of all people" and like. because he has a physically demanding job and is willing to listen to me when I say you need lipids with your veg. I made him a diet and he followed it, this is literally the thing I'm training to do.

and then They Were Roommates. Platonic roommates. Luis ends up on a date with one of her exes and they laugh about it this time.

Luis is a bad influence, her cosplay posts get a little saucier~ but still demure, she's not comfortable putting that shit online for strangers but she's had relationships and isn't a dick

I don't wanna get too into it in a like headcanons (?) post but like. She dies when a blind date gone bad gets angry that she won't put out after "leading him on" for x number of dates. Dude totally accuses her of sleeping with Luis and like honestly? maybe she should have. better him than you, asshole.

Transmigration

Azure Bai Zhan Rights. Airplane named a guy 6 balls, he would pick an important (?) color based on a pun

her System has absolutely no idea what to do with her, LQG is supposed to be dead???

the first thing she hears is SQQ (SY)'s words wanting to start over and get closer to LQG, and She Took That Personally

being a dude is like. weird. any chance i have to have a (fictional) cis person experience gender dysphoria is like. very interesting to me.

she has to beg and plead with her System to tell her how to not break character, she doesn't know about this xianxia or wuxia or whatever, she plays like. final fantasy. rpgs and shit.

she is Not Okay with this 'leaving the kids to figure out how to swing around sharpened steal by themselves' thing but with her questionable story importance, it's gonna be a while before she can unlock the OOC function and hey, taking missions by herself is a good way to get to fuck off and figure out what being the War God actually means. the demon invasion was a target rich environment but presumably she shouldn't go around knocking over buildings or whatever.

SQQ does clock her fairly quickly, LQG is easy mode since he can just. call people by their full names (canon), but she gets comfortable cleansing his meridians and asks too many questions or smth idk I haven't written the fic yet, but anyway he, Mr. Holier Than Thou Shen Qingqiu, absolutely refuses to misgender her by calling her shidi, so now they're just dramatically fullnaming each other and then whispering in each others' ears and giggling. bets are made. yqy cries himself to sleep, and then has a very dramatic conversation with lqg.

hey, guess what? Her System has figured out her role. Accept the Job Change to Romantic Rival?

(sqq thinks this means being an obstacle for lmy and lbh. because of course lqg tells him about it.)

mingyan is surprisingly chill? i think it should always be a mystery whether she knows something's different or if the original flavor was just secretly a trans woman who wanted to change how bai zhan is run and had a crush (?) on sqq but never let the rest of the world know

I told y'all I've been doing nothing but paint transmigrator!Liu Qingge

I'm thinking Melissa Liu aka nofreefeetpics

[mariska]

well, today marks the 8th year anniversary of the day that Lollipop Chainsaw was released, which is absolutely bonkers. here is me the first time i did mariska cosplay makeup on myself vs the most recent time i did for the occasion! (left pic is from the beginning of 2013 when i was 15, right pic is from a few months ago this year right before i turned 23)

i’ve made a few very similar posts celebrating the anniversary of its’ release over the years, but i always get very nostalgic about it this time of year because, as silly as it sounds, this game literally changed the course of my life in a very positive way. so i’m gonna write about what it means to me for the millionth time under the ‘read more’ here, lol. 

i turned 15 in may of 2012 and it was probably the most difficult year of my life. i’d been homeschooled for a couple years at that point because a number of issues had prevented me from being able to stay in public school any longer, and i’d just come out of a not great year in 2011 where i had attempted to try and go back to a public school setting for my first year of high school and it went really bad. i had lost contact with all but one of my friends that i used to hang out with in person and barely talked to anyone except my parents and my therapist anymore. i was extremely depressed and attempting to work through PTSD but a lot of the trauma was still so fresh. my anxiety was so severe that having a brief interaction with a cashier at a store would cause me to throw up half of the time. it was getting more difficult to be passionate about anything with every passing day and i spent a lot of time feeling hopeless that i was doomed to spend the rest of my life anxious and alone. at the end of that year, my health took a nosedive and i got my first auto-immune disease diagnosis, starting what would be a life-long journey of dealing with chronic illness and chronic pain, and having to juggle constant hospital visits/drs appointments and flare-ups of scary symptoms that i had no idea how to process (on top of my pre-existing mental health issues, and on top of the fact that i am autistic and didn’t know this at the time/wasn’t receiving any kind of professional validation for that yet)

lollipop chainsaw was the first game i ever pre-ordered and i was looking forward to a fun, mindless distraction the day it released. i beat the main story the next day and had an absolute blast with it, so i went to check if anyone was talking about it on tumblr and discovered that a couple of people had made some ‘ask blogs’ where they were going to roleplay as the characters and answer questions as them. i thought that sounded like a fun way to maybe get to interact with a few people, so i made one for my favorite character, mariska, and introduced myself to the other people i found. 

it is absolutely wild to think that i would most likely have a very, very different life if i hadn’t made that blog. i owe so much to that community of people and the friends that i made on there. it encouraged me to start talking to people again, both in and out of character. it re-ignited my passions for writing, which i hadn’t done anything with in years, and art, and MUSIC, oh my GOD. i learned about so many new musical artists i’d never listened to before. i discovered that mariska’s voice actor, shawnee smith, had a music career of her own and totally fell in love with her songs, which led me to watching a bunch of her other films/shows, which led me to Saw, which led me to HORROR, my FAVORITE movie genre ever and a passion that literally defines a huge chunk of my life now. hearing her sing made me want to be a musician. my parents bought me my first guitar as a gift and i was over the moon with happiness. i started taking music lessons with a music teacher who i was really able to connect with and began writing my own songs in my spare time. then, for my 16th birthday, my parents surprised me with a record player and took me out to the nearest music store so i could pick out a big stack of cheap, used records of bands i’d only ever heard mentioned a couple times before in my life. 

my life changed, completely. i spent all day rotating between writing as mariska on my roleplay blog, to creating art, to sitting on my bed and doodling in sketch books while i played Jefferson Airplane and Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd and Aerosmith and Rolling Stones and Supertramp and Earth, Wind & Fire and etc etc etc on my record player for hours. i started spending birthday/christmas gift money on clothes i found at thrift stores and discovered that i felt more like myself in a used dress from the ‘60s than i ever did in the modern clothes i was used to wearing. 

i had passions again, and friends, and i was happy to be alive. i’ve said it so many times before, but i literally do not think i would have survived that era of my life if it weren’t for the friends, connections, hobbies and general love for life that i was able to find just from being a part of the lollipop chainsaw fan community that year. it truly saved my life and i will never be able to properly thank everyone who had a part in that for how they helped me cope with everything.

happy 8th anniversary, lollipop chainsaw!! i cannot believe it’s almost been a decade now. what a long strange trip it’s been etc etc. lmao

<3

[6ad6ro]

im watching the projared explanation vid rn n i'm gonna keep adding to this as i watch. think of this as like real-time commentary? even tho it’s not real-time at all like i’m just pausing the video to make lil comments. here’s vid btw. but geez it'd be weird if all he did was cheat (like it's icky i’m def against cheating... but how would that matter to you if it doesn't involve u personally?).

TLDR (this was written after the fact): i’m rly leaning towards believing him about not doing the underage stuff. and i wished i had listened to my initial gut on that. i could care less about exchanging nudes with fans if they were 18+. i also could care less about any relationship drama. anyways i watched all of it and wrote a LOT. it’s kinda interesting (not rly) to see my opinion change over the course of the writing? i was really tearing into jared at first ahaha. but i’m putting it under a readmore. it’s not written well at all so read if you dare...

just started watching. first of all i will say it feels very scripted (is he lying/acting/performing? or is it just well thought out??) idk and LOL at him purposely looking unshaven and like a mess... like THAT was at least on purpose and makes me immediately not rly trust him? but idk i can't actually judge him based on this rly... then again what a sappy fucking thumbnail.

aw geez IT'S LIKE HE'S DOIN A REG COMEDY VIDEO like stop acting dude? i know he's... well he’s weird and seems like a very “scripted” person if that makes sense? but... it's just a rly weird move to try and make a "here's the real story/apology" video this way. not how i’d do it at all (and i’ve been there to a much lesser degree so)...

oh and i know he's SUPER mad at the two (at the time) underage ppl? and justifiably so if they lied. but idk his claim that the only reason for them to remove their accusation posts was "bc they held no water and they knew the timing was right to safely do the most damage"? uh dude you're one of the more well known youtubers like IMAGINE all the ppl that were harassing these guys? well at least they were both lgbtq etc and the gaming community has a traditionally open mind about that (sarcasm).

btw i kinda hate the term "the tea" too? soo much. but just bc it's another appropriated term white kids overuse... but even still i probably wouldn't have opened up a vid like this... well i'll just say it... was he straight up pointing the finger at gay ppl etc for harassing him n bein shallow n only enjoying the drama etc? like idKKK it just felt like he was calling out sassy gay ppl ONLY like why did he even say that??

yeah bc straight white gamer dudes NEVER gossip about drama. they NEVER act shallow. dude ur fanbase is like... some of the most shallow, gossipy ppl out there. i can't TELL you how many AWFUL videos i watched of your fans n other youtbers talking about you. and how... INSANE? it was? that they only rly called you out for "cheating on your cute wife" bc the accusations of underage shit n manipulation yeah nbd! but god forbid you cheat on your "attractive cosplay wife".

srry i'm rly tearing him apart here... i'm not meaning to. almost every gaming personality has shit fans. even i? me. a nobody. have to double check new followers to see if they're nazis etc? it's so common... anyways i'm not actually damning him in any way yet even if i'm bringing up so many lil issues i have w this vid lol srry?

btw i used to follow his tumblr. there was WEIRD shit going on, esp right before it shut down. like the "i got hacked" thing seems really convinient? IDK srry it's just my gut but he reminds me of sociopaths etc i used to be friends with. how he explains things and talks... like they all sound a lil like dennis from always sunny? idk my gut is tellin me he's full of shit i'm sorry. gonna keep watching. wait he really WAS hacked? i mean i guess i believed he was hacked at first bc the guy posting awful shit and claiming to be a pro-hacker was... well he was too crazy to be made up. a real fucking maniac loser.

as time is going on, unless all of this stuff is fabricated? he seems ro have found a crazy amount of proof that he didn't do the underage stuff. like... maybe the weird vibes he gave off is this stuff drove him insane? like... i’ve been friends with/dated quite a few fucked up, gaslighting assholes? trying to figure out what the fuck is going on can drive you a little nuts. he's kinda winning me over here a lil... again if the underage/manipulation stuff is untrue? i could care less about the other stuff. and i LOVE ross? but srry... who cares about that other stuff...

to explain what changed my mind: most ppl that he reminds me of are sociopaths etc. or rather, people that really fucked my life up. so i have a lotta baggage regarding them? and they're bigger in my mind than the other types. i won't lie the way he explains things and argues points REALLY bugs me? but i know ppl like that who are good people. or at least not psychopaths. immature, basic idiots at the worst (not that im callin HIM an idiot). anyways that alone doesn't make him guilty. watchin more now.

i was about to bring up that its actually really... cool? that he's focusing on the underage shit rather than the cheating/drama? bc thats all that needs to be explained rly? but LOL he just got to the "game grumps" part n in losing it. am i rly about to drown in this drama? fuck dude lol noooooo....

okay finished it. fuck man idk i feel stupid. right at the start i even was like "noooo he couldn't have!" but the underage stuff is like... like that shit makes my brain boil n stop working n go into “ill kill him” mode. and jared was so silent and so i figured he was doing damage control (ignoring it until it went away) rather than research to show people this was all fake/getting legal advice?

i kinda think he didn't do any of the real icky shit. i still get a vibe he might be a weirdo. and i don't think heidi necessarily made ALL of that stuff up? and i could care less that he was getting sexually involved w his fans like even I have been flirted with due to running a game gif blog (god knows why). and like FUCK it's so normalized for ppl in bands to sleep w fans? so why on EARTH would people think youtube gamerz are “too good for that”? anyways...

my point is, i think i mighta been wrong about him n the underage stuff. idk what to believe about the other stuff? the only thing i know for sure is that ross o'donovan is a very sweet n nice guy. and i'm so glad the drama between him and jared was imagined. it was prob just shitty to have fans ask him about it over and over...

okay lol if you just read all of this please go do something more fun and interesting now lol! i'm gonna put this all under a readmore and put a tldr on it! and... go to bed bc fuck its 2am OOPS!

[estelofimladris]

My Longest Day Ever in Fandom

This has been one of the hardest 48 hours for me as a fan. Really they’ve been pretty bad in the scope of me being a person, but in my fandom experience, this shit takes the cake.

** WARNING: THERE ARE SPOILERS FOR The Magicians as well as some minor spoilers for Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Avengers: Infinity War, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, The Flash, and Supergirl. **

** ALSO: This shit gets super personal. Don’t read if it makes you uncomfortable. **

I get that I’m specifically interested in stories of struggle and triumph. I thrive with stories about how the things worth having aren’t easily obtained. And sometimes people fail and sometimes people lie. There are horrible obstacles and things to conquer.

A bit of my fandom-inflicted past:

Will Turner was my favorite Pirates character. We had tickets not only to the three-movie marathon on opening day, but then the midnight screening. I nearly didn’t go to the second screening.

Sirius Black is why I got into Harry Potter. I got into it at the weird middle place when the books were still coming out and the movies were being made. I had been forced to read the first book when it was first published and it had left a very bad taste for me so the fact that anything could draw me into the fandom was insane. I watched Prisoner of Azkaban entirely by chance while hanging with my cousins and had read all the books by the time Goblet of Fire was released. I lived in and loved a fandom where my favorite character was dead before I even got a chance to know him.

Grant Ward was one of my two my favorite Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. characters. I rushed a Ward cosplay for WonderCon, which happened to be scheduled about a week after the release of Captain America: The Winter Soldier and less than a week after the AoS episode “Turn, Turn, Turn” aired, revealing that Ward was a brainwashed and abused Hydra sleeper agent the whole time. I then nearly scrapped the entirely completed cosplay. Instead I wore it to WonderCon and had people whispering “Hail Hydra” to me all weekend.

I spent at least three years living with a TV curse. Every show that I watched before its renewal for a second season was cancelled. To this day, I struggle to watch new shows because I fear that I will fall in love with a show only for it to be cancelled.

In the past year, I have lost 5 of my favorite characters to sudden deaths/departures:

Bucky Barnes (Avengers: Infinity War)

Harry Wells (The Flash)

Leo Fitz (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Winn Schott (Supergirl)

And this is about the most recent one, Quentin Coldwater (The Magicians)

I also know that there are more to come:

Avengers: Endgame comes out next week.

Arrow is ending at the end of this year.

There are more stories of woe and uncomfortable spaces in which we want to see our favorites succeed and they fail or lose or die. But this, this is more than just someone failing or losing or dying.

I survived all that other shit. I was a little off for a few days following or weeks or months or even years. But we always come back to Fandom. Maybe not the same fandom, but the big idea of Fandom. Being a fan isn’t something you can really just stop.

I got into The Magicians because of serendipity. Two of my closest friends got into the show at some point last year and had mentioned that I’d liked it, but it was one in a malaise of fandoms that I’d been told that about and I only have so many hours in the day and space in my heart. One of the people I was rooming with at SDCC this last year had freshly gotten into the show and was going to the panel. Another of my friends was going to the panel as well who had freshly gotten into the show. When I asked about it afterwards, the lovely human said they’d met a lovely other new fan. My friends had met entirely by chance at the panel and I got to hear all about how lovely the fandom was and that it was a really great panel with a lot of promise for the new season.

I got home from SDCC and, one day while curious, watched the pilot of The Magicians.

I finished the show in less than three weeks. I watched it again. I’ve probably watched this show more than any other media since August.

A bit of background about me and why this show struck a very deep chord with me:

I met my entire close group of friends, my found family, because of Lord of the Rings. I learned Sindarin (elvish) in high school. Every screen name I have is related to my love and foundation of loving Lord of the Rings. I have a tattoo in elvish.

I grew up around a lot of mental illness. I myself have been diagnosed and treated for adolescent/adult ADD, but members of my family as well as every best friend I’ve ever had, has been depressed and most were suicidal. I had to confront my best friend over suicide attempts at 13. My brother was treated for extremely aggressive childhood depression when I was a kid.

I’m also queer. Still working to unstick myself from some definitions I’ve given myself, but I’m definitely genderqueer and androphilic and exploring my romantic identity in part because of this show.

I’ve delt with death my whole life. My first grandparent (maternal grandfather) died when I was 5 or 6. My last grandparent (paternal grandmother) died when I was 22. I had a dear friend die in a motorcycle accident in 2015. I’ve been there for people who have lost loved ones suddenly and held people’s hands through the deaths of parents, loved ones, and children.

I also am about to complete my third and final year of an insanely rigorous graduate costume design program.

This show felt like it was made for me to love it. It made it so easy.

The fandom was a loving community that welcomed me immediately and I have thrived there. I would come home from a crazy day at school, put on an episode of the show, and get lost in the lovely fandom that I’d found myself in. I mean that both ways. Yes, I tripped and fell and found myself among excellent people. But more importantly, I found myself in ways I didn’t expect through The Magicians.

Through a series of very unfortunate events, I stopped reading Fan Fiction about 7 or 8 years ago. I would occasionally write something, but nothing that I cared about what anyone thought about it. It was only writing that had to be written not writing for an audience in any way.

The Magicians got me reading Fan Fiction again. I drew fan art. I participated in discussions on the meta. I joined in when I don’t really have the free time, but it felt so good.

In Quentin in particular, I found a part of myself that was seldom voiced. This melancholy nerd who was Doing His Very Best™ all the time tapped into the kid who loved something so much it transformed their life. It spoke to the parts of me that I don’t talk about that feel like a fraud and a floundering fool. The Magicians told me that I’m not some pathetic thing. That I’m part of my world and that I belong. That it’s ok to re-think about sexuality and romance as an adult. It spoke to my struggles with school and creating something from absolutely fucking nothing.

Something that I’ve not told many people: I’ve struggled with feeling worthy of love. I’ve had some really big relationships that ended poorly and ever since coming out as genderqueer and living my truth, I’ve been single. Watching Quentin be so worthy of love and struggle with that himself, he really shifted my views on relationships.

So, Wednesday was, needless to say, rough.

The fun twist though, I have a mandatory class on Thursday mornings. I had a lot of anxiety about this finale already because I had a notion that something horrible was going to happen because its a Magicians finale. I really struggled to work on homework for the past week. (I texted a friend on Wednesday “How am I supposed to work under these conditions!?” partway through the day.)

This anxiety resulted in not all of my homework being done by the time I had set aside to cook a delicious dinner and settle in to watch the episode with friends. So at the end, after I had cried, drank, nearly threw up from being upset, and was all-in-all a complete wreck, I then proceeded to work on homework until I couldn’t, then I put myself to bed with an alarm set to wake up early and finish, but woke up with a nearly-vomiting anxiety attack (which I don’t get ever) an hour before my alarm.

I finished my homework on my 1.5 hours of sleep, went to class, tried to be eloquent and not burst into tears. I sorta succeeded at both, thankfully. My work was... sub-par, but present, which was the only real requirement. Despite some close calls, I didn’t cry until I was in my car driving home.

I got home, cried a lot, tried to eat and sleep (and failed at both) and ended up having a second wake with another friend and drinking, which finally made me fall asleep.

Throughout the day, I seriously considered deleting every Magicians post from my queue and even my Tumblr as a whole. I thought about dropping out of fandom entirely, including conventions, cosplay - all of it. I thought about selling or donating all of the considerable amount of Magicians merch and related items (cosplay, decor, fan-made merch) that I’ve accumulated in the past few months. I thought about shaving off the hair that I grew out specifically for Quentin that helped me re-shape my queer identity over the past few months.

I woke up in the middle of the night again with more panic attacks. It took sitting with my best friend to make me really fall asleep and stay asleep.

Today, I’m looking back at this whole experience up to this point and I’m so exhausted. I’m tired of crying over something that just brought me so much deep joy. I miss my fandom. We’re all in mourning and its chilling.

I decided somewhere in my insanity yesterday that I need to reclaim The Magicians that I loved. I posted about how it will take time, but they can’t kill the love that transformed my life.

I’m still not sure how to get out of this horrible raw place, but I know time will help. And actually eating a real meal.

I’m sharing all of this because I’m not the only one in this place. If you’re struggling, you are not alone.

I see you. I feel you.

Thank you for being a part of this fandom that has so heavily enriched my life. You are loved. We will find ourselves again.

[plush-anon]

tejoxys

I finally saw the Endgame spoilers clip

*rubbing my grubby little hands together bc I love a good roast*

Welp, if it’s a roast you want, a roast you shall receive!

(Note: I think I spoke vaguely enough about everything big in the Clips below NOT to warrant an outright Spoilers tag, so I’m leaving it with just an Endgame Leaks tag and a ‘Read More’ line. Message me if you’ve a.) seen the Clips/gone scrolling for more info in the Spoilers tag and b.) think it’s more spoilery than I try to vague it to be, and I’ll tag it post haste)

Christ Almighty, the Clips just make everything look like an enormous MESS.

Thor looks just... awful. In every scene. LITERALLY EVERY SCENE HE’S IN IN THESE SPOILERIFIC CLIPS, HE LOOKS TERRIBLE. There isn’t a single one where he doesn’t look like a mess. Everyone else gets a glow-up (new hair, tattoos, freshly shaved) and looks put together in general (which is admittedly baffling - really, EVERYONE looks good in the face of mass genocide and failure to stop it from occurring?) but Thor decided to whip out his Big Lebowski cosplay at their big ‘save the world’ get-together... why??? (seriously Thor, was a shower too much to ask for?)

Now, if we’d had ANY inclination that anyone else looked rough aside from Tony and Nebula a la the stuck-in-space teaser trailers we saw originally, that would be one thing. Everyone there lost a loved one, everyone there has probably had to come to terms with the fact that they FAILED TO STOP THANOS when they were all right freakin’ there! NO ONE SHOULD LOOK 100% OKAY HERE. Show me dishevelment, poor coping mechanisms, show them having to struggle for weeks (maybe even MONTHS) after the events.

But nope! They are ALL in perfect health according to the trailers we’ve seen before. Even Tony, after nearly dying in space multiple times, just takes a bath and appears to be in fine health after getting back (with some bags under the eyes). Everyone’s perfectly fine, except for Thor (and maaaaaybe Hawkeye, who looks to have gone full-on Frank Miller Batman in his quest for vengeance, but still had time to get a mullet and some sweet sleeve tats in between!).

Nice.

This is a MASSIVE problem with the MCU as a whole, and has been for a while: their repeated attempts to gloss over and sweep consequences of mental trauma and illness away under the rug until it suits them for plot convenience or for comedy. You see this in the Thor sequels a LOT (Selvig being institutionalized for comedy after being possessed, Loki being kept in literal solitary confinement for roughly 2 years, Valkyrie’s PTSD and alcoholism played for laughs, mocking Loki’s suicide attempt from Thor 1 and the actual death he survived in Thor 2, ALL of Odin’s outright dickishness as a parent a la narcissistic parenting, Hela being imprisoned in isolation for literal CENTURIES), as well as anything to do with Tony Stark and his thought process (everything he does is pretty much as a result of the trauma he endures, and everyone in the Avengers just??? doesn’t recognize it??? and attacks him for it without going ‘hey, maybe he’s got PTSD’ or something???? what the hell, man). GOTG does a MUCH better job of it with Rocket and Nebula, but Mantis is left woefully unrealized (thought they do touch upon it briefly, and handle it with relative seriousness). 

Either way, Thor concerns me a LOT, because he is the king of a very small group of Asgardian refugees (and given the scene that shows in the Clips, as well as the appearance of another Thor character later on, we KNOW there were multiple survivors), trying to find a new life on Midgard in the face of not one, not two, but THREE fcuking tragedies - the destruction of Asgard, Thanos’ attack on their ship, and the Snap. Why is he the way he is, in the location he’s in (which actually appears to be the apartment from Team Thor’s mockumentary)? He is the only semblance of leadership left for these people who have lost everything and he’s Like That. Where is a Thor stressed and fretting over being fully responsible for once in his life over the lives of his people, over what little remains of his kingdom? Where is a Thor struggling with guilt as he tries to build a new life for his people, struggling with rule and politics and trade? WHERE IS HE??? Bc right now, all I see is Chris Hemsworth auditioning for the remake of The Big Lebowski, having wandered onto the Avengers set instead of his audition location by mistake -_-

The scenes with Steve leave me absolutely baffled (and some of them just ooze cheese, and not in a great way), because how in the fcuk do we get to those?? His scenes feel the most disjointed here, bc they all have a similar vibe to his personality in Whedon’s Avenger movies. Kind of the ‘Boy Scout’ presentation, which is particularly odd in the aftermath of the Russo Fools’ two Cap movies and Infinity Fcuk Up, which made him more serious, less - bright? I can’t think of a good word for it rn. This is particularly highlighted in his big ‘save the world’ speech we hear - it feels kind of like an ‘okay team, time to save the world!’ speech, instead of something more serious. Is it to try to bring everyone’s hopes up? What else is missing here that we’re not seeing? Why does he feel like he’s back to this persona in light of all that’s happened? Is it to highlight how good and awesome he is in order to {SPOILER REDACTED} like we see in that final sequence? (Also, the imagery for SPOILER REDACTED, while meant to be badass and awesome, feels... kind of awkward, IMHO. Which is weird, bc I thought it would be more amazing and awesome. IDK, maybe I’m just super jaded with the MCU by now).

Carol Danvers’ scenes are actually pretty on point. She gets to be a badass in her fighting scenes and gets an awesome new look that pretty much only functions to further cement her Lesbian Status. The only way she would be more obviously a Lesbian is if her suit were in the colors of (one of) the Lesbian Pride flags and a Cyndi Lauper song was playing in the background (or maybe Joan Jett).

Hulk/Bruce Banner... I don’t even know how they’re going to swing this. Like, at all. I’m particularly baffled bc given how some of the scenes appear to be set early in the film, it resolves extremely quickly to get to that point, and after all the drama of Hulk not coming out in Infinity Fcuk Up, I just - who the fcuk knows at this point. Also, that one scene with the {SPOILER REDACTED} could be effective depending on how they set it up, but then... why exactly is he the one in the scene with the {SPOILER REDACTED} and not Carol or Thor, due to Obvious Plot Reasons?

Finally, Peter Parker. He’s adorable in his scenes, ‘nuff said.

Now, after seeing these scenes, I am left EXTREMELY CONCERNED for this movie’s tone. Granted, it was only 5 minutes of footage for a 3 hour movie. Quite clearly, there is a LOT we aren’t seeing. All the same though, it feels extremely disjointed. I know they’re trying to pull away from the dark and grim ending of Infinity War, but these clips make it all feel a little too casual, a little too ‘let’s go beat the bad guy!’ as opposed to ‘we have suffered a great failure and a great tragedy - as heroes, we MUST work to undo this for the sake of those we have lost, and everyone left alive who has lost the people they loved’. Idk, that may just be me on this one.

But you know the worst part of all of THIS? The worst part is that this is probably what we’re going to get on the release date. This isn’t a trailer Marvel released with deleted live-action scenes featuring minimal to no CGI, or sections clumsily edited over with explosion effects - this was a slew of scenes with a TON of special effects fully rendered in painstaking detail, recorded with a phone on its side in what looks like a movie theater, with foreign subtitles on the screen (I honestly don’t recognize the alphabet, but it might be Middle Eastern). That CGI is expensive and time-consuming as all hell to do, and considering how many of these scenes had it? Either they wasted a shit-ton of money on scenes they didn’t use (seriously, a number of them have Rocket in them, or Hulk - those aren’t the easiest characters to render, I would imagine), or these are in the movie, end of story.

Not to mention, TPTB clamped down on these Clips HARD - like, IMMEDIATELY - as opposed to the process behind deleting Reddit comments. The fast and heavy response from Marvel and the Russo Fools, COMPLETE WITH OFFICIAL TWEET LETTER, along with a Chris Evans tweet not to Spoil the Shit, was to chastise the ones who did (which is somewhat warranted here, given how extreme the security on leaks for Endgame have been).

This response, combined with the quality of the clips, and some of the plot threads that actually seem to be mentioned/referenced in the Lego sets, leads me to believe it’s real.

And I’m not really impressed.

On the flipside, I’m actually kind of relieved, knowing what I’m going into when I walk into the theater opening weekend. I’m not going to be completely shocked and horrified by what I see. This works well in breaking the ice, and also eases some of my anxiety on what to expect (bc I have had a LOT of it for this movie).

The downside to this is that at the end of the day, this is what 22 films ultimately amounted to. Something that feels a little too glib, a little too rushed. Something that doesn’t feel like it’s doing right by the characters who were left, and the characters we love (at least, not in full).

I understand that this is an insurmountable task - to bring to film, with limited time, a satisfying conclusion to so many characters. To arrange hundreds of people within thousands of hours on a set budget to bring this massive story, building for over ten years now, to a close that will resonate and sate with as many fans as possible. But I read fanfiction that does just that with less time, fewer moments, no budget - hell, there are 10k oneshots that rewrote Infinity Fcuk to make sense and treat the characters with the respect that they’ve earned over 20+ films.

This? Doesn’t feel like those.

I will happily admit, I am guesstimating a LOT here, based off of what essentially amounts to 3% of the movie (slightly more, depending on how long the credits are sans post-credit scenes, but still roughly 3%). There is a LOT that is missing, which could fill in these gaps successfully and make this whole post look completely pointless. If it does that, I will gleefully concede that it fooled us on this one. Maybe all of these scenes really ARE hoaxes (even if they were painstakingly subtitled in a foreign language and shown on a movie theater-size screen, but I digress).

But the framing of the scenes looks like it was meant to showcase what the movie would be as a whole, in terms of tone and what to expect. And from that, I’m not excited, or overjoyed. I’m just tired.

And I cannot WAIT for this all to be over, bc I’m fcuking exhausted just watching 5 minutes. Lord knows what 182 of them will leave me like in the end.

*peers up at massive unending ranty analysis post* ...ah. Well then. that happened again. Ah well. Hope you had fun reading my nonsense brain goop, kiddos.

[hontou-baka]

a post.

been awhile, hasnt it, tumblr.

i have a fair amount of followers, half of which are probably old spam and porn accounts, so i doubt anyone will read this and i doubt anyone cares. venting, self indulgence, i guess.

im not sure if im back. i hope not. not to sound condescending, but im trying to spend my time doing meaningful and purposeful stuff. tumblr is just another social media app that sucks up my time when procrastinating. but i might try to get back into art, and tumblr is maybe the best place to put that, so.... idfk.

i came back once, fleetingly, when white diamond was revealed- knowing tumblr was my best place for content and info and craving it. same goes for right now. i just finished the homestuck epilogues and needed to see others thoughts, some content, i need it for my own catharsis.

ill give my hot take on the epilogues. im sure you could already tell what my opinion is from the posts ive shared. to my relief, this seems to what the majority of others are feeling, too (based on my scrolling through the homestuck epilogue tag for a few hours). they were fucking awful. felt like an edgelord's "pain is the epitome of human emotion" fanfic. it solidified my feeling that hussie no longer cares about homestuck. no, it confirmed to me that he violently LOATHES homestuck, and perhaps even (or especially) its fanbase.

i always thought homestuck would be the most important thing to me. it was, ever since i started reading it 6 or so years ago. there will never be anything that even comes close to what homestuck was for me. it was the only thing that kept me alive through some of the hardest parts of my childhood. i made some great friends at the time because of it (not that any of them stuck around). i was planning on doing homestuck cosplays for the rest of my cosplay existence, to prove that homestuck was still my #1. i wanted to get homestuck tattoos once i was free of debt!

but the ending of homestuck left me bitter. imo, the fandoms bullshit and the hiveswap fuckery left no love in hussies heart for his creation. he wanted it over, and just ended it. but nobody was satisfied with that of course, including me. so i was ecstatic to hear there would be an epilogue. but as weeks, months, years went by with nothing... i began to accept that wed probably never get epilogues. id just love homestuck for what it was, be salty about the ending, and that was that.

then, they came.

reading the epilogue tags, i thought they were a joke, just as many others did. it sounded like every sensitive subject that could ever be tagged was in there, including shit that just seemed ludicrous. but i persisted, like a fool, desperate for the sburb-logo hole on my heart to be filled.

the prologue already gave me so many red flags. my husband had hope, liked where it was going. a huge time skip, ten years we just have to accept went by. all of the characters had drifted apart so bad it was jarring. johns depression and mistakes and regret was daunting. everything felt so off.

and it only got worse. i started with candy. i was confused that thered even be the option all written out for john to stay. at first, i thought i was going to get some good ship shit. rosemary was the only good thing about candy. johnroxy started, took the fuck off, then just... it all fell apart. not a singe character consistently behaved in a way that felt like a natural progression of the characters we followed for so many years. what was the point of jane becoming trumphilter? to angstily show the duality of man? what was the point of all of the weird ass sex? it just feels like such a forced thing, like "oh, everyones grown up now! gotta fuck, and dont you dare even THINK any of it is going to be vanilla fluff and not.... anything but that...."

im not usually one to get upset over content that most find triggering, unless its real or shown in a very real way. but, for example, i honestly felt sick when dirk killed himself. i could go on about candy but it just felt like there was so much bait for a semblance of happiness, just to make it all as bad as possible.

meat was worse. hastily attempting to tie up plot points (like lord english) while also making dirk akuma homura...

also, apparently the author of family never ends had a hand in this? ive never been one for fan fiction, but for some reason i read that one, and it fucked me up. bad. i had the worst bout of depression and even suicidal thoughts for the first time in a while because of that fic. so, it feels like hussie wanted to recruit some ruthless-ass people to make something to intentionally hurt the people who demanded so much of him for a work he clearly hates now.

i... i think i dont like homestuck anymore, EXCLUSIVELY because of this. it feels like im throwing away one of the biggest parts of myself. it hurts so much, i feel so, SO betrayed. i would rather hussie have just announced he no longer had passion for homestuck, give us a shitty .txt file of a true ending (or the gist of one), and have left it there. but i guess that wouldnt have made him money now that viz bought the franchise.

i think, i will not come back to tumblr. it hurts. i had plenty of reasons for leaving, including everyone dipping out of homestuck. and i have other interests now that just dont align with the tumblr ive made and the followers i have (not like, core shit like lgbt+ rights or anything, im just really into health/fitness and particularly nutrition and i doubt my followers signed up for that plot twist). without homestuck, its even more just a painful past that haunts me here.

thanks for everything, if anyone ever even reads this. it was fun while it lasted.

-Hanna, aka hungoverterezipyrope

[fo4companionsreactions]

So, the time is finally upon us, I present to you... the Fallout 4 Companions Dating Headcanon Mega Post, featuring at least 20 per romance-able companion, by yours truly.

Ft X6 because he needs more love

Enjoy!

Cait: (Post Vault 95)

Once comfortable, lots of flirty banter and     teasing of the other person

Asking Sole’s opinion on certain things, a lot     of “Hey you think this’ll be any good?”

Confiding in her significant other, more so     than any other person

Lot’s of drinking together, often leading to     heated make out sessions

Cait gradually becoming more comfortable with     herself with Sole’s love and support

Gradually letting down her barriers and     letting Sole in more

Wandering around their repaired sanctuary     house in a baggy t-shirt and shorts, only around Sole. She dare not do it     unless only Sole is there.

Occasionally forgetting and eating Sole’s food     by mistake then feeling extremely guilty with Sole comforting her

Getting angry when she finds any hint of drugs     around the place, fearing Sole might be doing them behind her back.

On some nights snuggling right up to Sole and     holding them tight, especially in storms

Sometimes asking if Sole still loves her, just     for reassurance

collecting and modding weapons together

Sleeping sprawled out on the bed until late     morning because Sole doesn’t want to disturb her

Sleeping curled up in a ball waiting for Sole     to come to bed

Only truly sleeping well knowing Sole is near

Humming more frequently when around Sole,     losing herself in her personal piece of heaven

Getting extremely jealous of anyone showing to     or receiving Sole’s attention

Being very hesitant the first time she and     Sole had sex, in case they’re just using her again

With Sole she begins to enjoy making love and     develop a healthy sex life with her partner, both of them safe and     trusting of the other

Putting her entire heart and being into this     and hoping for the life of her it works out

Often small, lights little touches every now     and again just to remind herself and Sole

Has a piece of Sole’s clothing wrapped around     her wrist wraps to remind her of them

Cait will often run her hand through Sole’s     hair when in bed

Whenever they embrace both arms are wrapped     around Sole tightly, one of the rare times she lets down her defences

Curie: (Synth Body)

1.      Curie always checking in with Sole to make sure they’re healthy both mentally and physically

2.      Cute compliments between the two every day, both parties being red as a tato

3.      Curie becoming more used to and enjoying the small aspects of being in a relationship, the small physical gestures, the impromptu “I love you” and the surprise kiss or two

4.      Being the tiniest spoon when she and Sole snuggle in bed

5.      Always asking Sole about how life was before the war

6.      Always making sure Sole is eating healthily and is not falling ill

7.      Sole being able to hold her up, with Curies legs wrapped around their waist when they hug

8.      Curie always going a little quiet when Sole is off travelling, she is desperately hoping they come back okay

9.      Sole often bringing back a bouquet of fresh flowers and an array of specimens for Curie to admire and study

10. Sole always bringing back any science and medical related material they find on their adventures

11. Curie wanting to try the dates and couples activities she’s read about in magazines and books from before the war

12. Sometimes not being able to keep her eyes shut when she and Sole kiss, wanting to see her lover

13. Being extremely anxious the first time they made love, to the point of hyperventilating

14. Curie being open to most things in terms of the bedroom as long as they’re safe for both parties

15. Really sensual and intimate sex

16. Curie often being the sub under Sole’s command

17. Being like a church mouse and silent when she and Sole make love, should anyone be able to hear them

18. Light delicate touches on the other

19. Sleeping wrapped up in each other

20. Taking walks around sanctuary together, mainly at sunset so Sole can show her the natural beauty of the world she yearns to see

21. Curie propping herself up on her tip toes to be able to kiss her lover

22. Sole being Curie’s lab assistant when she needs them

Danse: (Post Blind Betrayal)

1.    Sole sneaking peaks at Danse while he works, either on his power armour or around the settlement

2.    Sole giving Danse a gentle pat on the ass whenever they walk past him

3.    Tight prolonged hugs when they can

4.    Danse hogs the blankets

5.    When out on adventures Danse insists on cooking rations

6.    Couples power armour

7.    A couple that trains hard together, plays hard together *wink wink*

8.    Takes up the entire bed but has Sole wrapped up in his arms

9.    During the winter Danse is the perfect sleeping partner

10. Always checks on Sole’s gear and kit to make sure it’ll keep his lover alive

11. Totally denies it but loves when Sole places their hand on his chest when the snuggle in bed

12. Danse slowly opening up to the others, with Sole’s help

13. Danse, the biggest of all spoons

14. Danse often waits until Sole falls asleep first, as if he was guarding them

15. Adopts Dogmeat like one of his own, often having him on the bed with he and Sole

16. Becomes a figure Shaun looks up to, but doubts if he is the right person for that

17. Often works himself into a panic thinking he’ll lose Sole, to which they quickly assure him they’re going nowhere

18. Goes hunting with Sole, often turning the trip into a mini holiday away together

19. Admits to Sole, behind closed doors that they’re the only thing keeping him alive

20. He’s they walked into his life and are now a huge part of his new life

Deacon:

1.      Deacon having trouble looking Sole in the eye but learning to overcome this anxiety with time

2.      Being more like best friends that happen to be romantic rather than a couple

3.      Couples disguises

4.      Cosplaying as each other to fool others

5.      Matching Death Bunny tattoos

6.      Loud snoring from Deacon

7.      Really giggly sex

8.      Sole wearing the glasses during sex

9.      Deacon getting Sole their own personal pair of sunglasses

10. “Sneaky Deeks” wink wink

11. Carpet matches the drapes

12. Really good role-play

13. Deacon, a master with both words and his tongue, if you know what I mean

14. “Are you lying again?” “No… maybe… a little… yes”

15. Mac N’ Cheese baby

16. Deacon sleeps face down sprawled out, pushing Sole almost off the bed

17. Wakes up in the middle of the night with random stuff to talk about to Sole

18. “Snuggle monster”

19. Deacon’s cum face makes Sole HOWL with laughter

20. When he and Sole are together, Deacon will often take his shades off to make the time he and Sole share, more intimate

Gage:

1.      Sole procuring a better patch for Gage, one that doesn’t rub against his skin so harshly

2.      When they drink they drink together and alone, no one else may join them

3.      Sole slowly trying to integrate Gage into the group with the other companions

4.      Gage being very nervous when he and Sole are intimate, him not knowing what it’s really like to be loved by another

5.      Gage never really getting used to hearing the words “I love you”

6.      Gage getting jealous and somewhat suspicious of anyone hanging around with Sole for long periods of time

7.      Running Nuka World as a fierce duo

8.      Gage growing out his hair overtime as he becomes more comfortable, Sole can even run their fingers through it

9.      Spreading the reach of the Nuka World gangs wherever they go

10. Sometimes escaping to Far Harbour together to get away from the Commonwealth

11. Splitting everything 50/50

12. Gage being in sever denial that someone loves him like Sole

13. Over time slowly opening up and becoming more open with Sole

14. Finally feeling safe in Sole’s embrace

15. Finally feeling like they both belong somewhere

16. Gage gifting Sole their own personal Handmade Rifle

17. Decides to run away with Sole and leave Nuka World behind

18. Being very protective of Sole

19. At first kept space between each other when sleeping, over time getting closer and building trust

20. Tries to cook for Sole, surprisingly makes a mean Iguana bits

Hancock:

1.    Actually cuts down on the drugs, Sole means more to him

2.    Sole wears the frock coat as pjamas

3.    Like a spider monkey, clings to Sole at night under the covers

4.    Hancock is, to no surprise the small spoon

5.    Really big fan of oral

6.    Fahrenheit constantly snooping on them, sometimes catching them in the act

7.    Hancock suffers nightmares, Sole will often sit up and comfort him in the event

8.    Anyone dares look at Sole the wrong way, Hancock will fuck them up

9.    Overprotective smol hubby

10. Can’t cook but tries his best

11. Invites the rest of the gang for a Sleepover, only Curie turns up with some sugar bombs

12. A man who enjoys a good scotch, Sole being more of a bourbon person

13. Sole can give Hancock a piggy back

14. Roleplay…

15. Hancock gets turned on when Sole does the Shroud voice

16. Finally feels like he has something to stick around for

17. A couple that gets high together, stays together

18. More like best friends, but also lovers, the best of both worlds

19. Self declared mayor of Sole’s pants

20. Kinky… but romantic

MacCready:

1.      Plenty of hypothetical’s about the wedding that’ll come one day

2.    Sole wanting to meet Duncan

3.    Both partners honing their sharpshooting skills in friendly competition, the one who hits the least accurately buys the rounds

4.    Plenty of discussion over which calibre is best, which scopes, attachments, trigger groupings and every conceivable topic of firearms

5.    Running “little games” in order to get the most caps possible out of a job they take on

6.    Having a rule that one of them must always be able to get the other home on a night out at the Third Rail or Dugout Inn

7.    Mac often waking up to see Sole covering their head with a pillow because of his snoring

8.    Counting caps together

9.    Mac teaching Sole a thing or two about sharp shooting

10. Reading comics together

11. Going on the hunt for all editions of Grognak

12. Playing games on Sole’s Pipboy while Sole sleeps

13. Sole waking up with Mac sprawled all over them, the bed, the room and all furniture

14. Arguments about whether wood, bakerlite or ABS make the best rifle stocks

15. Slowly, overtime “liberating” all the goods from Hubris comics and transporting them to Sanctuary

16. Really loud sex

17. Mac is the sub

18. Kinky fuckers, really kinky

19. Argue often but have really good makeup sex

20. “I’m the best shot”, “No I’m the best shot” over and over

Nick:

1.     Nick being the most, gentle gentleman possible

2.     Sole getting him a new trench coat to replace the old torn one

3.     Nicks eyes being like Sole’s personal night lights

4.     On cold nights Nick giving Sole his trench coat to keep them warm

5.     Late night coffee stints trying to crack capers together

6.     Talking through the issues of the pre-war era together late at night while the others sleep soundly

7.     The two sitting on top of the roof of the agency on summer nights with a whiskey and a pack of smokes

8.     Discussing high literature together

9.     Sole listening in awe of Nick’s hours of philosophical ramblings

10.  Solving mysteries like an apocalyptic, noir Scooby Doo

11.  For Christmas Sole gets Nick a 44. Revolver to replace his pipe revolver

12.  Nick always manages to leave a rose on Sole’s pillow

13.  Sole dressing Nick in the Silver Shroud costume whenever possible

14.  Nick will sometimes read to Shaun when he has trouble sleeping

15.  Nick is christened “Grandad” by Shaun

16.  The man knows his fine wine and whiskey

17.  Often gives Ellie the night off so he and Sole can be alone together

18.  Nick… can… cook, my god can he cook

19.  Tends to teach Shaun about literature, poetry, philosophy and morals of right and wrong

20.  The most charming man to walk the earth

Piper:

Lots of cute dates to get some noodles

Midnight snacks with Sole on sugar bombs and     sweet rolls

Asking Sole to pick up any printing supplies     they find on their adventures

Light finger tip touches and eskimo kisses     when alone together

Pushing Sole out of the bed at night, on     accident of course, from spreading her limbs like a starfish

Running her hand along Sole’s chest while     cuddling together in bed

Religiously making sure the door is locked     when they’re alone together

Reading together

Always inquiring with Sole about life before     the war, the people, the places, the food and politics

Piper wearing Blue’s vault suit as pjamas

Sharing her stash of sweet roll and other     snacks with Sole

Wearing Sole’s clothes when she has a lay day

Swapping an item of clothing when they travel     apart, Sole often taking her press hat as a token

Sole and piper gathering reading material on     their travels wherever they can

Piper lightly snoring when in a deep sleep and     getting flustered about it with Sole, with Sole saying they actually think     it’s cute

Piper curled up like a ball in bed with Sole’s     arm wrapped around her, their hand often running through her hair

Piper asking Sole’s opinion on her newest     articles

Getting intensely jealous of Sole being around     Cait

Piper acting like a giant nerd around Sole     when alone together

Going the reddest red when Sole compliments     her even slightly

Tight, prolonged hugs and hand holding

Preston:

1.    “Babe”

2.    Lazy Sundays at Sanctuary together

3.    Sole and Preston having their own small garden patch that they both tend to

4.    Preston having Sturges help him fix up Sole’s house as a surprise for his lover

5.    Both pairing up their boots in the corner of the room when they go to bed

6.    Sole gets to wear Preston’s hat during sex

7.    When Sole is around Preston’s laser musket is always… fully charged

8.    Preston is a really good cook

9.    For a present, Preston gave sole a little teddy bear wearing a little hat similar to his so Sole always has something to hold on to when they are apart

10. Total lightweights

11. Sole building a hand guard mod for Preston’s rifle to stop him burning his hand

12. During the winter, Preston gathers more blankets to keep he and Sole warm, as well as a small fireplace in the corner of the room

13. Spooning for days

14. Because of the gloves, Preston has really softs hands and a gentle, but firm touch

15. The two get the gang round and have a meal with them every so often

16. The man will not turn down a hug and is always ready to give one

17. Admits that down the line a child wouldn’t be ruled out

18. Sole is thrilled that Preston treat’s Shaun like his own son

19. Preston being the typical shy guy but a real sweetheart

20. Really gentle but firm hugs with a lil smooch

X6-88:

1.       Extremely protective of Sole

2.       Matching sunglasses and death stares

3.       When in private, X6 allows himself to smile in Sole’s company

4.       Takes Sole a good 10 minutes to take off, all of X6’s weapons when trying to get intimate

5.       Machine in the streets, animal in the sheets

6.       Sole is the only person that X6 wont strangle when asked about his feelings

7.       Training and sparring together

8.       Definitely the tall, dark and handsome lover

9.       X6 having a meltdown over the intelligence of some of the characters they come across while in the commonwealth

10.    When sleeping, sleeps perfectly straight on his back with his arms crossed like a mummy

11.    A game or two of “What’s under the trench-coat”

12.    Watching over Shaun like a hawk, as per Father’s wishes

13.    Over time Sole breaking down the tough persona and bringing X6 closer into the group

14.    Sole and X6 becoming the ultimate sarcastic duo

15.    Still believes MacCready is an idiot

16.    Sole has found X6 staying out late drinking with Cait and Gage, much to their surprise that he can hold his drink

17.    Reluctantly is the big spoon, but secretly is into it

18.    Sole has to remind him that when they hug, not to use a death grip on them

19.    Midnight feasts consisting of 86% snacky cakes

20.    Actually a really good kisser

[kittycat-plisetsky]

Mental Disorder Analysis of Killing Stalking

I did a bit of a project (for school) here where I analyze the actions in Killing Stalking from the perspective that Yoon Bum and Oh Sangwoo are mentally ill individuals. I attempt here to explain and defend the characters, as well as try to educate the fandom to alleviate hate rooted from ignorance. I’ll share a preview tand then add the rest under a read more bar; I went a tad overboard. 

So maybe you’re a fan of Killing Stalking. Maybe you’re an anti. Maybe you’re a closet fan who’s ashamed to admit having a liking for the manga. For me, upon my first interaction with the fandom, I’ll admit it, I was nearly repulsed, but I’ve come a long way since that time and become an active member in the fandom, and even cosplay! After some consideration, I’ve realized the themes presented here aren’t much different from any crime-themed tv show, like Criminal Minds or something similar. Then I began to question myself and why I was even an anti to start off with, and the answer to that boiled down to ignorance. Upon a first glance, it isn’t hard not to view this simply as a toxic relationship that gets its readers off on some BL sadomasochism about a killer and, who I assumed at the time to be a kidnapped boy, who gets tortured. That’s simply not what this manga is, and it’s belittling to pass it off as much. If you know of killing stalking, you can bypass the next paragraph, but through my little ramblings here I’m hoping to defend this manga for what it is and to explain to you all (whether you’re a fan or an anti) some realistic reasonings for the actions/reactions of these characters centered around some potential mental illnesses here at play. The creator and these boys need some defending in this fandom, and so do us fans (who some of you, like me, I’m sure have been told we’re gross, need to kill ourselves, etc. We deserve more credit 😉 )

Killing Stalking is a psychological thriller manga with one protagonist being a stalker, and the other a killer, as the name suggests. Our first protagonist, Yoonbum, is a man in his late twenties who stalks his crush Oh Sangwoo, who he met in the military and later during his time in college. Yoonbm excessively follows his crush on social media and spends months trying to unlock Sangwoo’s house passcode. Upon entering the code correctly, Bum enters the home, where he discovers a naked woman bound and gagged, struggling to free herself. Panicked, Bum tries to help, but is then found by Sangwoo, and confesses his love before being pushed down the stairs, knocked unconscious, and later wakes with broken legs. Rather than ending Bum’s life, Sangwoo spares his life, keeping him in the basement for some time before allowing him upstairs, and eventually out of the house, though he’s kept close. As the story progresses, the two characters, in my way of seeing, develop a sort of symbiotic relationship with each other. Bum feeding off of his theorized love with Sangwoo, and Sangwoo feeding off the power he has over Bum. Thinking about it; these two need each other.

Now the above mentioned point, the theory of their symbiotic relationship, is often the basis for the fans to send their ships sailing, thinking, “clearly their in love”. Sure, why not, Sangwoo spares Bum’s life but murders others, treats his wounds, kisses him, and Bum still pines for Sangwoo and tries to please him, not to mention their physical moments together, but a story this deep deserves a deeper insight. Plus, the author herself said she hasn’t intended their relationship to be viewed as romantic. So instead, through my rather messy thoughts, maybe I can guide you into your start of deeper thinking based on real life mental disorders that should be considered here. This explanation should help you realize why Sangwoo and Bum’s relationship isn’t simple enough to be viewed as “traditionally romantic” but also I really wish to address fan’s individual outlooks on these characters and defend their characters for what they’re written as: mentally ill (I’m not knocking shippers here; ship what you want. I myself ship their theoretical existence, though I understand in canon it can’t be viewed that simply).

    To begin, the words Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) appear in the first season of the manga, already giving insight to one of the disorders that Bum possess. Though I plan to cover a few disorders in this post, for the sake of my analysis I’ll be showing evidence for BPD as well as psychosis at the same time, as psychosis is a symptom versus an illness. Many people with BPD have the symptom of psychosis (psychforums.com), and in the case of Yoon Bum, I believe this to be true. For starters, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, BPD is defined as “a mental illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior” with symptoms such as impulsive behaviors, self-harming behaviors, problems controlling anger, feelings of dissociation, and a distorted/unstable image of oneself (NIMH). Psychosis then is a delusional disorder, characterized as disruptions to a person’s thoughts and perceptions that make it difficult for them to recognize what is real and what isn’t. Found from a discussion online, it isn’t common for stalkers to suffer from psychosis (aminoapps.com). Though right off the bat you may recognize Bum as possessing qualities from both of these, I’d like t point out too that for those who have BPD, it isn’t uncommon for them to have a favorite person (FP), which in Bum’s case would be Sangwoo.

Looking at BPD from the standpoint of someone who suffers with the disorder, one person reports having issues with obsessing over people, “almost to the point of stalking them” (medhelp.org), and in relation to how someone with the disorder views an FP, their FP is their everything. To quote someone that this applies to, having an FP is “dangerous. It’s needing someone so bad it’s physically painful when they leave. It’s apologizing for every tiny thing because you don’t want to give them a reason to leave you (TheMighty.com), or “[that FP] is sometimes all I can think about. Male or female. I think about them 24/7 romantically or like a friend, but that person just becomes so perfect and put on a pedestal” (medhelp.org). The above quotes can all sympathize with Bum, especially if we’re choosing to look at Sangwoo as his FP. From chapter one, we’re shown that Bum obsessives over Sangwoo; stalks his social media, watches him on the train, and even fantasizes about him sexually, wondering “how he would have sex”. Through internal monologue we see how Bum views him; perfect, while noting “his empathetic, considerate, gentle aura”. Even after being hit by Sangwoo, he recalls his perfect image of his crush, noting, “The Sangwoo I know is a much more considerate person.”

               Because those with Borderline Personality Disorder have troubles or inabilities regulating their emotions, Bum has a hard time maintaining his image of Sangwoo and is often caught having many back and forth emotions. He’s caught up on his love one moment, and during the next, he’s trying to convince himself that he hates him. Of course, things get harder on Bum when we realize that Sangwoo too is emotionally unstable, but we’ll talk about him later on.

         For those with BPD, “relationships build quickly and intensely. They are unable to see the faults of their partner” (borderline-personality-disorder.com). This isn’t surprising; Bum’s always had troubles seeing the faults in his crush. Even upon discovering Sangwoo was a murderer, he apologizes, realizing he’s upset him, and takes blame for the situation. He resorts back to his idealized image of Sangwoo after remembering the reasons that he fell in love with him, claiming to love him despite the current situation he’s in. Not only that but he even confessed repeatedly to liking Sangwoo as he’s being assaulted, calling out, “I like you” over and over even as Sangwoo shouts at him to shut up. He’s unable, in many situations to see the faults that Sangwoo has (even though Sangwoo’s faults are pretty extreme). Recall too Bum questioning the police, asking “could you kiss somebody like me? Could you love somebody like me?”, etc. To him, he doesn’t view himself to be likable by anyone but Sangwoo, as he truly believes that Sangwoo has feelings for him.

    If, as I suspect, Bum also suffers from psychosis, his inability to regulate his feelings for Sangwoo could be amplified. This could explain why he can’t quite rationalize what is real about their relationship and what isn’t (or any of his relationships, for that matter). Below, remember when he was under the impression that him and his female classmate were dating when she removed her shirt in front of him? And then he believed that all along he and Sangwoo were dating when Sangwoo said such a thing to the police.

 Psychosis in Bum’s case not only prevents him from knowing what reality is in terms of his relationships with others, but it also alters his perception of the reality surrounding him. Psychosis can cause hallucinations and delusions. Hallucinations aren’t new to him, just recall the hallucination of dead bodies in Sangwoo’s washing machine, the hallucination that made him see Sangwoo murdering him on the kitchen floor, and he even hallucinated that the Jieun was the girl from his past during his fist semi-forced murder.

Since psychosis is a delusional disorder, it’s also known that those who suffer from it may believe that events or objects hold personal meaning or significance. Going back into Bum’s past again with his female friend, remember that he held personal meaning to objects that he otherwise should feel no connection to, objects that simply belonged to her. He’s stolen not only her bra, but her nail polish, and because he had such a connection with these items, used them to calm himself down when he would go into mood shifts.

                 He’s mentally ill, and because of these disorders that alter his reality, he lives unaware of his problems. So, no, he isn’t stupid. To him, he’s doesn’t think his thought processes are out of place. In the first chapter, he claims that it’s complexly normal to stalk his crush and to want to know everything of his personal life. In regards to his obsessive behaviors and his kleptomaniac actions, he’s convinced it’s “because of love” over and over.

 Though Borderline is the confirmed disorder at play here (and we can find many more examples to agree with it) it’s not a bad idea to toy around with some other possibilities. Other disorders are very likely in the cases of these characters and can help you reason with their actions. Take Stockholm syndrome for example. Stockholm syndrome is a condition that causes hostages to develop a psychological alliance with their captors as a survival strategy during captivity…Victims of the formal definition of Stockholm syndrome develop "positive feelings toward their captors and sympathy for their causes and goals, and negative feelings toward the police or authorities" (Wikipedia).

       I’m sure you all remember this scene here, where the police officer tries to come to the rescue, yet Bum crawls away and keeps himself hidden. Or even the part where he chooses being back with Sangwoo over admitting to the police that he is need of some help. However in the case of Stockholm syndrome the positive feelings are rooted to the idea of survival, “captives often fear that their affection will be perceived as fake, they eventually begin to believe that their positive sentiments are genuine” (Wikipedia). Though I believe BPD is a bit more of Bum’s situation versus Stockholm syndrome, I think it’s worth a mention whilst defending Bum, anyways.

Though I haven’t really heard this one talked about prior to my mental disorder research for this analysis, I think Obsessive love disorder is worth a mention. Obsessive love disorder (OLD) is an extreme form of love that transcends into an obsession over time. It is characterized by an unhealthy attachment towards someone and can be triggered off by many factors such as anxiety, insecurity, and vulnerability (Buzzle.com). OLD is very similar to Borderline Personality Disorder, attachment disorders, and even erotomania, and so this could easily apply to many of my examples in the BPD paragraphs above. However, “depending on the intensity of their attraction, obsessive lovers may feel entirely unable to restrain themselves from extreme behaviors such as acts of violence toward themselves or others” (Wikipedia). Though we see that Bum has had self-harming instances in the past due to his living situation, we see the return of self-harm when Sangwoo was unpleased with these stories of his past. Bum spirals, feeling worried about the reaction and he quickly tries to make Sangwoo feel better, yelling at him to take it out on him physically. Sangwoo remains unresponsive, and Bum resorts to self-harm using a knife on the countertop, while shouting and sobbing that he knows he is disgusting.

                    Though my main focus here seems to be on Yoon Bum, it’s definitely no surprise that Sangwoo would fall into some mental disorders of his own. I’ve read fan discussions claiming that he too suffers from BPD, but I think too that he has psychosis, and sadistic personality disorder. Yes, that last one is a thing. “Sadistic personality disorder (SPD) can be defined as a type of personality disorder in which an affected individual inflicts sadistic, cruel, manipulative, aggressive and demeaning behavior on others. Violence and abusiveness are the hallmarks of the social relationships of a sadist. Such people lack empathy and concern for other individuals and derive pleasure by hurting or humiliating others” (hxbenefit.com). This shouldn’t need much textual evidence, as this is practically a description of the character as a whole. Backing up to psychosis, which remember is a delusional symptom, it wasn’t uncommon for Sangwoo to hallucinate or become delusional when panicked. For example, remember when he carried Bum’s fainted body to his bed to tuck him in?

    He becomes delusional, hallucinating that his mother is outside of the door, telling him to clean up his messes downstairs. His hallucination of his mother becomes angry and she rattles the door handle viciously, screaming at him. Then, he even hallucinates that Bum (who in reality is passed out beside him) raises his head to remind Sngwoo that he’s becoming his father.

               So now to reiterate my point; these characters are not dumb. They are not “asking for it”. Bum is not a “creepy, gross attention whore”, but he has trouble regulating his emotions and has a hard time grasping a distinction on his reality. One of the largest reasons for hate in this fandom is ignorance to the reality and depth that this story possesses. Especially to younger fans, who simply were seeking some twisted BL, it is important to consider this story in terms of our mentally ill paired protagonists as honestly being mentally ill. Because this story is talked up as “horror yaoi”, many people aren’t aware or don’t consider the seriousness that this story aims to share. This is why there is a “you’re gross”, “go kill yourself” stigma on readers of Killing Stalking. Instead, us readers should be viewed as readers of a psychological thriller who analyze and respect the depth here for what its intended to be. The romanticizing and narrow-minded interpretation of this storyline is what causes so much hate and controversy. I’d love to see more serious consideration and in-depth analyzation going on in the fandom to remove the stigma that us fans are nasty, twisted, or gross.

               I hope this was easy enough to follow and that you’ll give this story another read-through with these points in mind, and even change your outlook with the soon release of season 3. Let’s work to defend the author, these boys, the storyline and us fans with some knowledge! Also, again, disclaimer that I’m no professional nor am I “attacking” anyone with these disorders. Remember too though that psychosis is one of my most prominent beliefs here (so even if you suffer from BPD for example, without psychosis some of this may not sound accurate in terms of your own self).

[elfnerdherder]

Ill Intentions: Chapter 22

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A special thanks to my patrons: @sylarana @evertonem @jenacar @frostylicker @starlit-catastrophe @kenobi-is-king Mendacious Bean, Duhaunt6, Superlurk, and Cecily!

I don't have my computer with me, so this sadly won't have the cover art done by kenobi-is-king! Thank you all for your support in my writing, and I can't wait to pick up The Unquiet Grave after this!!

Also, due to this being posted on a Tumblr app on a chromebook whose internet won't load due to bad connection, it won't allow me to add the entire chapter. It ends about partway through, but until I'm back on the west coast I won't be able to load the rest of the chapter onto Tumblr! Sorry for the inconvenience!

Chapter 22: End Scene

When Tattler News released the ‘Special Edition’ of ‘Will Intentions’, Nicole pinned her copy to a corkboard much like Will’s. She’d already snuck into his apartment, taken photos, and recreated something of his workspace within her own office, to better step into the shoes of what his fans were calling ‘a vigilante move’. 

To partner with the Tattler News release, she’d also released a special post on her blog with a ‘tell all’ interview courtesy of Freddie Lounds, coworker and ‘close friend’ of Graham. She’d already received four more subscriptions, as well as twenty new messages in her inbox, thanking her for her hard work. 

I saved an image of the handkerchief! someone had commented. I’ll try to find one like it at the store. Maybe I’ll cosplay it. 

Lounds had asked to see the handkerchief Nicole had mentioned, but it was never revealed in person. The look on Lounds’ face when she was told ‘no’ made Nicole more than grateful she’d put a lock on her jewelry box before the reporter had shown up. 

As for her end of the bargain, she’d passed his manuscript along to her agent. Anything more, and she’d have her own story about uneasy trips to the FBI to tell her readers. 

- 

Abigail didn’t speak to Will until they were somewhere in Vancouver, BC. She spent most of the trip with her earphones in her ears and her head towards the window. Given the time, Will didn’t press her. It seemed she’d been playing a game with him for almost as long as he’d been playing a game with Hannibal. 

And yet, no; what game do you think you’re all playing? 

The border situation had been tricky, but the homeless man –Mike, Will kept having to remind himself –was more than true to his word at getting them across. Once across, it was the sort of drive done by someone who had a very important place to go with little time to get there. They stopped for gas and nothing else. The next couple of days was nothing but yoo-hoo’s and donuts, Will’s dreams bleeding into the waking hours of watching hill after hill of white pass by. Blankets of it draped along the interstate, but the plows had done their job. If their car appeared suspicious, no one stopped them. The more they kept to normal hours of traffic where it was difficult for cops to keep an eye out, the better. Hannibal remained in the backseat and only got out when absolutely necessary. 

“I’m not sorry for not telling you,” Abigail said by way of greeting. Will stood beside the passenger door, a cup of shitty gas station coffee in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. His watch had died somewhere just before the border. Since ditching his phone, he hadn’t felt the need to dig through his bag in order to charge the thing, seeing as how one without the other was somewhat of a moot point. 

He glanced to the black, blank screen, and he wondered why he was even still wearing it. He hadn’t thought about his steps since Hannibal’s office. Streak broken. He wasn’t sure if that meant something, and if it did mean something, he wasn’t ready to unbox it yet, much the same way he wasn’t quite ready to unbox that there was another person inside of his head that killed people so that he didn’t have to. 

“I didn’t tell you a lot of things,” he replied. 

“You didn’t call, either,” she said, and it took him probably longer than it should have for Will to realize she sounded almost hurt by it. He wasn’t quite focused; maybe the watch having a blank face was more of a problem to him than he thought. 

“If I’d known Hannibal had gotten to you first, I would have been…more forthcoming,” he admitted. When she didn’t speak, he took a drag from his cigarette and continued, “hell, when he was breaking into my apartment, you could have just let him in. I asked Beverly to house you because I didn’t want to make you a target of yet another serial killer.” 

“I didn’t actually get fired from Subway. I quit.” 

Will hummed in agreement. “Figured that an hour into the drive.” 

“I followed Beverly following you sometimes, too.” 

“We could have all carpooled if you two communicated better.” 

“You first,” Abigail shot back. 

That was fair. Will’s cheeks ballooned, and he blew air out slowly, counting back from ten. 

“Abigail,” he said, and the look she gave him made this so much harder. “You’re…not guilty of anything, really.” 

“Says the guy that called me ‘the knowing bait,’” she retorted. 

“No, I mean it…” he sighed and looked around the decrepit gas station pointedly. “I’m abetting a murderer.” Silence. He scowled and continued, “right now, you could walk away and not face any legal persecution should you go back to the states, whereas I would go to jail. That guy in there –” 

“The one you stabbed –” 

“I don’t remember stabbing –look, him too. The three of us would go to jail, but you wouldn’t.” 

His cigarette had burned too low; he let out a hiss when it singed his fingers, and he stubbed it out on the tire before tossing the butt of it in the trashcan by the pump. Too late, he saw the warning on the pump that said not to smoke while gassing up. Will glanced about, but there was no one to scold him on the dangers of such endeavors. There was only him and Abigail at the moment, and he’d have almost welcomed Hannibal coming to interrupt them. He could imagine how a psychiatrist would be a much better option for giving advice than he would. 

Abigail looked out past the cars parked just at the treeline, the expanse beyond it. Her expression was difficult to read, a mix of something pained and something hopeful. 

“I don’t have anything else,” she said, and when she looked back to him, she smiled. In that moment, he’d have called it genuine. “I told you before, I’m looking for closure. Since that’s all that seems to matter to me at this point, I’ll stick around until I find it.” 

Will sucked air in sharply, frowning. “The consequences –” 

“I know how to juggle consequences. I can weigh the risk of pros and cons.” 

Given how long she lived under the roof of the Minnesota Shrike, he believed her. When it was time to go, they climbed back into a beat-up Tahoe they’d swapped somewhere in the middle of nowhere, and she made a point to lay her head in Will’s lap, much like she had back at the apartment.  

Much later, Will would find a polaroid of the scene tucked into his jacket pocket, the colors washed out and faded but still good. He tucked it into his shirt pocket, to preserve the color. 

- 

“I’m just outside of Tattler News, Jerry, and here we’ve got not only fans of the paper demanding answers, we’ve got some of Will Graham’s ‘avid fans’ here with signs! Just this past evening, as we know, Will Graham’s apartment was invaded by the FBI, boxes upon boxes removed from the scene as they attempt to glean over anything they can in order to find both him, as well as the Chesapeake Ripper. So far, there is no information revealed as to whether or not they have any solid leads to their whereabouts.” 

“Now, I know we’re dealing with the Chesapeake Ripper, Chet, but I think what’s interesting are the avid fans of Graham’s you’ve got gathered around you!” 

“Yes, these people aren’t here for news on the Ripper, they’re actually here for Will Graham. You can hear some of them in the back, chanting –you can hear it, can’t you?” 

“Yes, of course!” 

“They’re upset that the suspect in the disappearance of Hannibal Lecter –” 

[Continue on Ao3]

[novantinuum]

Jen’s mega list of plans:

Written and posted here purely to keep me accountable, and also bc it’s easier to archive posts than find anything in my thousands of documents on my phone. These are all fan projects, basically.

Gravity Falls

-Draw kiki-kit’s precious flame Mabel, (from the graphic novel), and perhaps a flame Pines Family to go with it. Love her design. It seriously just... is precious <3

-Draw graphic novel like “covers” for @the-ill-doctor and I’s RPs to commemorate our 1 yr anniversary of starting the first RP

-While speaking of RP, push past editing road blocks on The Time We Lost, the Time We Mended so we can finally post TateGate™ (pardon the unintelligible inside joke)

-I genuinely want to continue working on the AU comic I’d churned out a few pages for, and test my ability there more. The graphic novel has inspired me.

-I really want to make a print of that nice piece with three eras of Stan and all the Stan related objects floating over them for myself and hang it on my wall. Simple task, but I know I’ll forget so here I am posting a note to myself. JEN YOU KNUCKLEHEAD, get it done :O

-Just, generally? I want to get more comfortable sketching quick and fast. In traditional. I want to fill up a sketchbook with dynamic poses and expressions and random bullshit and get comfortable getting messy with my art.

-AMVs. Once my brother helps me rip the boxset, I have a special commission to make for @eregyrn-falls , and then after that I had a great, emotional idea for the song Unity by Shinedown.

Trollhunters

-I had a fic I started that I REALLY want to get back into, Death and All That Follows. I just have so many crazy projects rumbling through my head that this is easier said than done XD

-There’s a bunch of dynamic Jim and Toby pieces I have half finished that I’ll prob come back to one day if I’m bored...

-My cosplay prop amulet. Need to get glue and get it all together, plus resin/glow in the dark stuff for the crystal, and maybe paint for some touch up pizzaz.

-Not to mention, if I’m going to cosplay Jim? I need to actually order shoes, a wig, and the jacket. I have a stretch goal for colored contact lenses, but eh if I don’t get there that’s fine.

-I can never draw enough troll Jim, to be perfectly honest.

-I promised @inktheblot that I’d draw Toby in the trollhunter armor at some point and I still aim to do that. I actually kinda have an AU for it too?? So I could prob just make a bunch of sketches for that...

-I also promised myself once that I’d make big two or three inch amulet pins. Mostly one just for myself. But if I had the money to do a small bulk batch, excellent.

-Also mostly just for myself, unless I threw it on like... redbubble or something, I wanted to make a custom Trollhunters shirt with the amulet and some crystals and a quote and shit. Because I’m salty that the only Trollhunters shirts that officially exist are for small children.

AU crossover nonsense

-Write more of A Tale of Two Trollhunters. Probably a given, but I’m behind where I wanted to be. Also, I have a bunch of half sketched out future scene ideas I want to post as one shot snippets bc we all know I’ll never actually get there going chronologically ;D;

-Design troll forms for my changeling Dipper and Mabel

-While we’re at it, make designs for Alex and Gina Pines, my OC Dip and Mab parents who feature in the future stuff for this story.

Other

-Just, in general... develop my OCs more. Make MORE OCs. Challenge myself to just MAKE characters.

-Speaking of that, I kiiiinda wanna make a GF dating sim persona I kiiiinda really do, is it too late for that? XD

So. Anyways. As you might tell from all this insanity, I have a whole hell of a lot I would. Conceptually like to do? I really really love making fandom content y’all, it’s what keeps me going honestly. It’s my one creative outlet in between the stress of trying to pursue a degree in biochemistry, of all the hellishly complicated things I could’ve decided to find fascinating. And there’s genuinely some points where I’m like? What the hell Jen. What the fresh hell, why on earth do you have to give yourself so many project ideas to tackle? Why did you decide to draw AND write AND edit, why can’t you just pick ONE? And I’ve no idea dudes not a s i n g l e fuck. My attention bounces so fast from one idea to the next that sometimes I genuinely marvel how on earth I’ve gotten anything done in the past two years, but eh no matter. Anyways, now I’m just rambling so?

Future Jen. Step your game the fuck up my man. Get some cool fan content done! Stop disappointing your far-too-cool mutuals and followers with a lack of fan content and make something you can be proud of! Be cool, dude.

Be cool.

[doctortdesigns]

Looks like we are starting to hit the season of fall fashions!  Simplicity has just announced their Pre-Fall collection, and I’ll be posting about Butterick’s Early Fall collection tomorrow as well!  Fall fashions tend to be my favorite, but, if I’m being honest, I’m not the most excited with these new releases.  Perhaps my feelings will change as I write this review (as they sometimes do), but as of right now, I’m holding out for the August Burda before I get really excited about fall fashions this year.  Regardless, there is a lot to look at in this release, so let’s get started:

  8686 – 1940s Vintage dress.  I tend to like 40s fashions, but this is one of those styles that really is too cute/sweet/girly for me to picture myself wearing.  I think the vintage lovers will enjoy this dress – it has lots of great features and style lines, but I think this is also one of those styles that looks distinctly vintage, and isn’t necessarily as translatable to someone who enjoys doing a “sneaky vintage” modern wardrobe.

  8687 – This shirt dress, on the other hand, feel very modern.  Also perhaps slightly scandalous?  I definitely get a “wearing my man’s oversized shirt as a robe after I get out of bed” vibe from this.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.  But I think it may limit the versatility of this as a wardrobe piece.  I do like the asymmetric hem and the wrap style, but, there is definitely a vibe I get from this piece that I don’t know if I’d be comfortable wearing in public.  Maybe a belt would change that feel for me?  Styling could change this look a lot I think…  Feel free to completely disagree with me in the comments on this one – I feel like this could be a super popular design, since it is one of the more unique looks in this release.

  8688 – This dress has some nice options, between the sleeve styles and the skirt styles.  I don’t know that I need to add it to my collection – I’ve got some knit dress patterns from back when I very first started sewing that are pretty similar – but I like this dress.  Looks like it would be great as an outfit base for those fall days when you need to transition between layers and no layers.

  8689 – This style of tunic really isn’t anything new, but I do think Simplicity did a nice job of styling and presentation.  Another pass for me, but I would be excited to see other sewing bloggers make this one up.

  8690 – Mimi G. Style.  I’m going to say that this dress looks adorable on Mimi!  But, again, this is a case where I know it isn’t something I’d wear myself, so it’s going to be a pass from a personal standpoint.  It is super cute though – the proportions of the sleeves are great in relation to the whole dress.

  8691 – Sew Chic dress.  This is clearly a vintage inspired look.  I like it, especially the short sleeved version, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got several vintage re-releases that are quite similar.  Another style that I find to be cute, but not special enough to warrant a spot in the stash.

  8692 – 1950s Vintage blouse pattern.  I do like the shape of these blouses: fitted, but not overly so.  I’m not a big fan of zippers on the back of a top, but for views A-C it is pretty unavoidable with such a high neckline.

  8693 – This asymmetric top looks like a button front shirt got halfway put on backwards to me.  I do like the simpler versions (as a one-shoulder 80s-inspired sweater I’m all about this pattern!), but I’m really not a fan of the view that Simplicity used for the model photo – it just looks ill fitting and sloppy.

  8694 – At this point there really is nothing left to say about these loose tops with sleeve details, except, look, another one!  This one does have dolman sleeves, so I guess that’s a new-ish variation to this style?  Really, though, at this point there are so many, just pick one.

  8695 – 1930s Vintage sleeve patterns.  Do I want this to use on modern sewing pattern?  No.  Do I want this for part of my costume/cosplay pattern stash so I can study the drafting on these sleeve variants?  You better believe it.

  8696 – I prefer my cardigans with less volume and more length, but this does look rather cozy.

  8697 – The square boyfriend blazer really isn’t a look that works for me, so I’ll avoid this pattern for myself, but I do like the single and double breasted options here, as well as the collar variants.

  8698 – I know it’s a drawstring pant, but it’s a drawstring pant with stripes and pockets and I like it.

  8699 – I also rather like this skirt as well.  I think I perhaps already have more than enough wrap pencil skirts in my Burda stash, but this one pattern seems to have a lot of variety, even though the pattern tweaks are pretty minimal between views.

  8700 – Pattern Hacking.  I’ve been thinking I want a more casual jacket for fall, but something about the proportions of this one just aren’t doing it for me.

  8701 – Pattern Hacking.  Somehow switching out pockets doesn’t seem like much of a “hack,” but what do I know?  I do like the silhouette and overall look of these, but, again, very similar to other styles I’ve got in the stash already.

  8702 – Mimi G. Style.  This tracksuit is pretty cute and very 80s.  I’s not be interested in the drop-crotch pants at all, but I do like the jacket, and the slim-legged pants are cute for a fall work-out look.

  8703 – This was a pattern that initially I just skipped over (it’s a plain yellow top and leggings), but, actually, those other tops with the stomach gathers are pretty cute!  I don’t know if this will make it onto my wishlist, but it is a definite maybe.

  8704 – Love these pull over tops!  The raglan sleeve and length look great for exercising is colder weather.  Plus, lots of cool pockets for exercising with devices.

  8705 – This man’s version somehow doesn’t read as exciting as the woman’s pattern, but the sleeve pouch for a phone or iPod is pretty great.

8706 – Baby Gear.  Not much to say about baby clothes, but the layers look practical.

8707 – I’ve been toying with the idea of a lace cardigan for a while, and this is exactly what I wanted.  Love this!  Totally going into my stash until I can locate the perfect lace fabric for this endeavor.

8708 – These girls dress are pretty generic, but also pretty cute for fall.

  8709 – Gertrude Made bags.  I don’t love the aesthetic of the bags in the photos, but from the line drawing, these are totally bags I would use.  I do wish it was drafted for a zip closure, but I suppose that is something one could find a way to add?

  8710 – These large travel duffle bags are also not depicted in a color scheme I’d enjoy, but I do love how practical the bags are, plus they fit over the handle of a rolly suitcase!  So cleaver.  I’d be curious to see how the inside is drafted (pockets???), but I think this might be on my list, since it seems my travel schedule is upping in the next year or so.

  8711 – Madalynne.  The bra does not look supportive enough for anyone outside of the A/B range, and why would you want to add butt ruffles to your underwear?  I mean, really?  At least from the standpoint of wearing underwear under clothes in any case.  I was going to ponder the butt ruffle as an analog to a tail feather and the implications that could have in mating rituals, but I shall refrain.

  8712 – Aprons.  Pretty simple, not too exciting, but could be good if you want to make a “mommy and me” sort of look.  The aprons loop pretty practical, if not overly embellished – nice pockets and full coverage.

  8713 -Hats!  These are actually pretty cool, and really practical styles for costuming.  Love how much variety comes in a single pattern too.

  8714 – Love the historical doll clothes.  So cute.

  8715 – Ok, I want, nay, NEED this dragon in my life!  How stinking cute is this?  And, I mean, let’s be real – I need at least three of them.  That’s right – NEED.

  8716 –  These bears are cute, but they aren’t dragons.

  8717 – More aprons.  I find the other style to be more pragmatic.

  8718 – I’m sure the internet will tell me if I’m wrong, but I really feel like this is supposed to be a Rey/Daenerys mash up of costume pieces?  Lots of great pieces in here for the cosplayers out there.

  8719 – I’m less excited by this… I don’t know what to call it?  Generic sexy fantasy style pattern?  I feel like all of these pieces have been recombined from pre-existing patterns.

  8720 – Good job on picking up that it is the 25th anniversary of Hocus Pocus!  I’m not even sure Disney has grasped that yet…  I’ve not seen crazy heavy advertising about re-release special editions or anything.  In regards to the pattern, I do wish these Sanderson sisters were a bit more detailed in the designs, but, bravo to Simplicity for winning at the cultural relevance game.

  8721 – One should never pass by a good cape pattern.  The hood shape looks really great, and the cape is nice and full.

  8722 – Once again, I’m sure the internet will inform me, but I’m not quite sure which franchise Simplicity is referencing here?  There are certainly shows I watch where jumpsuits are “the look” but this pattern is much baggier and less fitted than the styles used in those shows.  The tan one is a very Ghostbusters vibe, but I’m not sure if that is the reference I’m supposed to be picking up on here?

  8724 – Kids Star Wars/Superhero costumes.  Really versatile, and really cute.

  8725 – Nice to see Ariel added to the Disney Princess lineup.

  8726 – Super generic kids costumes.

  8727 – More generic kids costumes.

  8728 – Cool way to do a mermaid tail in this pattern.

  8729 – Kids capes, because, capes!

  5628 – Jiffy pattern re-release.  This literally is a piece of fabric folded in half, with two partial seams, and a neck opening.  Pass.

  9192 – Men’s vintage ties are kinda cool.  Not the massively wide one, but the skinny tie or bow tie could be useful.

And that’s it!  On the whole my top picks for this release really are in the craft/costume/cosplay realm.  Not too much new or exciting in the main release.  There is a lot of stuff I found “cute” but not much I felt needed to be added to the collection.  What do you all think?  See anything that is going to kick-start your fall sewing?  Or are we waiting for the bigger releases coming later next month?  Feel free to discuss in the comments!

Simplicity Patterns Pre-Fall 2018 #sewing #patterns #Simplicity #SimplicityPatterns #prefall #fallsewing Looks like we are starting to hit the season of fall fashions!  Simplicity has just announced their…

[smireyac]

fuck this year man u dont even get cute emojis in the title this time

so lemme just start by saying fuck 2020 

now that we’re on the same page, lets get into it

so i dont have to explain all the reasons why this year sucked bc u just need to google 2020 and there will be a million reasons why it was TOTAL FUCKING GARBAGE...... usually when so many people collectively say a year sucked ass, i can be like “oh it wasnt *all* bad for me, personally” haha not this year!!! 

its super fucking depressing to look at how hopeful and positive i was about 2020 a year ago..... ofc there was no way for me to have known it would all go to shit but i still really appreciate the tone i had set... reading over the previous reflections and seeing how harsh and negative i was @ myself made the softness of last years post super refreshing.... 

now i said i dont *have* to explain all the ways 2020 was shitty, but i am gonna explain the biggest reason this year was shitty for me, personally..... it might seem really small in comparison to the ways 2020 was shitty as a whole on like a global scale? but really the biggest reason 2020 sucked ass was i didnt get to really hang out with any of my friends in real life for 9 out of the 12 months of the year.... and really it was like the first week of march that shit hit the fan so like really it was only 2 months that we got to see each other....... if u rmbr p much every previous retrospective post ive made, there was a big emphasis on friends..... ive come to realize that im actually a very *extra*verted person??? despite my overall shyness and homebody attitude, i would always choose to hang out with people over being alone so stay-at-home orders FUCKING SUCKED??? when we all thought it would be over in a couple weeks, maybe a month it was fine?? hey its a good time to draw or catch up on that reading and/or writing i said i was gonna do maybe even start learning to drive?? it’ll be no big deal THEN it wasn’t over in a month and it wasnt gonna BE over anytime soon and no one important was doing anything about it and its an election year and black lives have always mattered and yet everything is so uncertain and

[inhale]

[exhale]

this year was..... a lot...... too much in fact

in 2018, i had said that i watched vox’s video on the year in 5 mins and cried... if i watched this year in five minutes, i dont think i would be able to breathe...... 

SO instead of making myself CRY..... lets try to think about any GOOD things that happened and think about what we can do to make 2021 good for ourselves:

GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPENED:

-i *didn’t* lose my job!! sad that so many others cannot say the same but im trying to make myself feel *better* not WORSE so i got to keep my job and i actually work more hours than before so!!

-i actually *did* learn to drive this year!!!! and im pretty good at it??? for someone that just started this year anyway?? i probably *would* have my DRIVER’S LICENSE right now if it weren’t for a surge in cases in a certain STATE that i happen to live in......... but w/e its fine i get more time to practice and im ~~**DEFINITELY**~~ going pass my test and get my license ~whenever it is that i can reschedule my dmv appt~

lmfao its so funny that last year, i was absolutely *dreading* learning to drive but i so fucking get why everyone was like ‘you need to learn how to drive’ i legit love it so much???? ive always been a car person but that was like purely for the aesthetic but now that i can drive im just....... WOOOW this really is what freedom feels like.... like ik that public transportation is amazing and i will always champion it but nothing beats being purely in control of your destination.... i also wanted to buy myself a car for my birthday even tho i couldnt really drive yet but then sien had to fix smthg on her car and it was EXPENSIVE AF and my mom was like “u dont need to buy a car yet” so i put the brakes [haha] on that... but soon... once i get my license,,, then i will have u my love................. so with that being “my most serious goal of 2020″ im glad i did it

-i was one of lucky ones and got unemployment when i couldn’t work so i have a lot of money saved in the bank??? pls no one steal my identity i wanna use that money to buy myself a car and/or for when we move out 🤞🤞 we’ll just have to wait and seeeeee....................

-i had mentioned playing dnd last year too and thats been going STRONG as hell thank goodness....... we couldnt keep playing in person but when we moved it to online, not only did we actually get to hang out a lot more, we made more friends??? introduced new people to the group?? its so good and in fact probably the only thing that kept me even a little bit sane this year...... 

-this is more of an honorable mention than an accomplishment but im this 🤏close to catching up with critical role and thats partially thanks to the pandemic lmao sooooo ??? 

aaaaaaand thats p much it lol i didnt really accomplish any of my other goals bc reasons................. but!!! as cliche as it sounds, with a light at the end of the tunnel, im confident that i can turn that all around this year.... so if 2016 was the year of change, 2017 was the year of getting used to shit, 2018 was the year of getting *too* used to shit and 2019 ended up being the year of friends, 2020 was the year of absolute shit and it doesn’t fucking count....... i learned a lot this year, biggest lesson of all is that life is short and if i were to have died at any point last year, what the fuck would i have to show for it??? so usually i end up giving a theme or name to a year after its done but this time im determined to make 2021 into what i want it to be SO i am declaring this year, the year of our lord 2021, the year of new experiences!!!! what the fuck does that mean you ask? well ill tell you!!! im gonna try new things this year!! make a very pointed effort to do things outside my comfort zone?? and for my goals this year, im going back to my old way of making a huge list of stuff u wanna do and seeing how much i can actuallly accomplish!! now i said theres a light but we really dont know when all this shit will end and life will go “bAcK tO nOrMaL” so whos to say ill get to accomplish any of it? at the same time, there are plenty of stuff on the list that i can do within the pandemic set parameters so!! lets see this list!!

2021 GOALS:

[check boxes bc there is no plain box emoji lmao]

☑️ read new books!! i’ll keep last years goal bc i didnt meet it and i have good reads now which tells me i just need to read 1.5 books a month to reach that goal!! huzzah!

☑️ watch new shows and new movies b4 u end up watching shit you’ve already seen a million times... i bought an old planner for 2020 instead of 2021 by accident but i hope it will help keep track of the movies/shows along with the books too!

☑️ listen to new music!! this years spotify wrapped was garbo it only had like 3 albums and a bunch of other shit i always listen to so i gotta fix that lmfao

☑️ write new stories!! i am comforted by the shit ive been writing for the past like 7 years but if my screenplay class taught me anything its that there are a lot of stories to tell and i got so many ideas floating around in this noggin!! instead of an arbitrary word count, why dont i say write idk 3 new stories, start to finish, in whatever medium idc screenplay, short story, comic, twine WHATEVER!! do it!

☑️ eat new food!! lmao this one seems the most silly to me but ive never had indian food, ive never had [not really anyway] korean food, i want to find new restaurants and eat new food!!! yum!

☑️ go on a road trip!!

☑️ visit some place ive never been before!!

☑️ go on a hike??

☑️ go to mexico again

☑️ ride a scary rollercoaster you previously wouldnt have

☑️ go to a club

☑️ get silly drunk fr 

☑️ FUCK IT go on dates!! self date friend dates sister date cousin dates R- Romantic... dates ??? FUCK IT!!! YEAH!! DATE ALL UP IN THIS BITCH!!

☑️ learn to use blender

☑️ animate something 

☑️ make a big painting

☑️ cosplay ???? AHH

☑️ learn to roller skate lmao u bought the skates and were so excited for them!! 

☑️ go somewhere SUPER DARK and go see some real stars!!!! 

☑️ and to top it all off, throw the airbnb house party that we’ve been talking about for MONTHS lmao 

hmmmm,, i think thats a good enough list for now ?? another thing i wanted to accomplish.... that im scared to speak into existence bc then i cant back out of doing it...........and it doesnt align with the whole “new” spirit of 2021 but.......... i want to like start making apartments for rent????? like i want to have something of it to show by, if not the 8th anniversary then by the end of the year HHUFF THERE I SAID IT......... no turning back now.......... 

alright its almost midnight on.... whats this? its already jan. 1st??? lmao yeah fuck it i didnt keep up with anything i normally did this year who cares i made up the rules i can break them too lol  

so yeah 

we’ll see what this year brings us,,,,

hoo boy