#maybe ill post some cosplays at some point to get over it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

zuzsenpai · 10 months ago

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This is another personal post with TW mental illness. I'm sorry there have been so many recently. I really have nowhere else to put these things. Feel free to ignore.

I don't think my depression has ever been this bad before, in the almost 13 years I've had it. For maybe the past two months it's been steadily growing to a point of intensity that I can't ignore. The absolutely awful feelings won't go away. I can't stop thinking about how miserable I feel.

I can barely take care of myself. I eat takeout every day. There's garbage everywhere at my house. I can't get shit done at work and at some point people are going to notice. I have multiple really REALLY urgent doctor's appointments/calls I HAVE to make (one of which is to my psychiatrist who apparently I'm blocked from messaging on the healthcare app), yet I can't seem to pick up the phone. I am mentally incapable somehow. There's a wall there.

I have been told to exercise and meditate and I physically and mentally cannot. Again, there is a wall.

I have a video game I wanted to play, I try to play it, and I feel completely unattached to it (even though I have loved it in the past). I joined a really exclusive roleplay community for that game and proceeded to be too overwhelmed to make the character application and now the mods are asking me what I want to do. I haven't written fanfiction in two months because of severe burnout, and I miss it so desperately that it's making me realize I might have been using it as a bandaid/distraction. But my brain is so fried that I feel too overwhelmed to write again. People are leaving me nice comments on my fics and I can't even bring myself to read them let alone respond to them. My memory is so bad that I can't remember a lot of what happens in any of my fave series' and I feel like creating good fan content for those things is impossible at this point.

I'm ignoring online friends in my favorite server. I promised multiple IRL friends I would watch animes they like and I am feeling guilty that I mentally cannot do that. I'm dreading the two anime cons I have coming up in March because I don't think I'm going to feel comfortable in my cosplay this year. I have a close friend (who is also my coworker) who keeps trying to get me to do things with her and her husband and I keep turning them down because I'm worried I'll get overwhelmed by social anxiety and general awkwardness. Just the thought of having awkward social interactions is terrifying me and pushing me down harder than it ever has.

I had a boyfriend between October 2022 and December 2023, but I felt like it was a huge chore every time I had to see him and I developed zero feelings for him. I felt repulsed by the thought of us being romantic. We ghosted each other in December and now I feel like shit about it because he may have been the only chance I'll ever have at a relationship... but I also am in such a bad state that it's probably good things are over. Why don't I feel relieved?

I'm having physical tics in my abdomen and jaw that are getting worse and worse to the point of pain and people noticing. I can't talk to literally anyone without sounding upset, negative, angry. I had my best friends from out of state over a few weekends ago and I was so sick the whole time, I felt like I was letting them down. I've been repeating awkward interactions with friends and coworkers over and over in my head to the point where I think about it at night.

I haven't put my Christmas decorations away because I fucking CAN'T.

This week has been particularly bad. Yesterday I was working from home because of snow. When the snow stopped I rushed to my parents' house because I needed to be somewhere with people I know. But I was so negative in how I spoke with them, and it's making me feel even worse. I used to be really talkative and intelligent when having conversations with my family, but depression has taken that away from me pretty badly over the years, to the point where I can barely talk without thinking about how absolutely dreadful I am at conversation.

But today might be the worst of it (unrelated to Valentine's Day, though it certainly isn't helping). It pained me emotionally and physically to get out of bed, and I wanted to take a mental health day. Literally fell back asleep for an hour before I had to get up and DREAMT about taking a mental health day. But being alone at home is actually so much worse than being at work where there are at least people I am comfortable with. So I went in. I have been absolutely bombarded with depressed feelings all day though. I get up to walk down the hall to the bathroom and somehow that feels worse than sitting and staring at my computer without accomplishing anything. I'm sitting here crying at work, completely destroying the four months of tally marks I had for 'days without crying at work'. I didn't break my record, sadly.

I have a therapist. I have an appointment with her today actually. Maybe I'll just read all of this to her. I don't know where it's going to lead or what she's going to tell me to do, but all I want is to walk down the hall to the bathroom and have at least average, neutral emotions instead of carrying a chest full of raging depression. I want to be able to say something happy to someone so that they don't dump me as a friend for being toxically negative. I want to live, and I have things to live for. But damn if this depression isn't making it extremely difficult to enjoy those things.

#personal post for ts;#personal post #zuzu note;#mental illness tw #depression tw

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tame-a-messenger · 1 year ago

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Hey, thanks for taking me submission. I guess it’s not really an ask other than please share your thoughts too! Just have to get something off my chest.

There have been a lot of comments on YT, Reddit and Twitter about Damien not being in as much content and not being listed as Games Producer for the last three videos.

First one is honestly to be expected as he was sick. Second one is interesting. I follow his streams and sometimes watch when he guests on Podcasts. He’s been saying he’ll have more time to stream, he has some major projects coming up and he’s going to create his own content on his own channel.

Some of the community thinks Smosh demoted him because he actually posted about the current events over in Israel/Palestine but I personally think he just wasn’t able to fulfill the role of producer the way he wanted. (Perfectionist - something I find Angela has in common with him.)

Anyway, all this to say, I think Damien is stepping back from Smosh a little. I am hoping it doesn’t mean a reduction of content that he’s in but you never know. I think being responsible for coming up with content in addition to appearing as talent is really hard on his time and he’s reached a limit.

The funeral was a big example of this. To appear in the funeral wasn’t just showing up; many livestreams mentioned rehearsal after rehearsal and attending several writing meetings. I just don’t think he had time.

While I think the halftime show of the funeral with Chanse and Angela was awesome, Damien could have come in and support it or I was thinking he could have showed up as backup for Anthony with his vampire cosplay. It would have been great but I get why he didn’t do it.

Anyway, more damngela content with Sword AF coming in three days!

Thanks for sending in a submission! I love chatting about stuff! keep em' coming!

I've been seeing people talk about Damien not being listed as producer last 3 vids, I've also been hearing whispers of Damien doing more streaming and videos on his own YouTube channel.

I don't think he'll fully leave Smosh anytime soon, maybe he's going to be strictly talent from now on (like how Angela and others are "just" talent, she doesn't produce or direct just shows up to do shoots) I hope he'll do that if anything.

I saw a clip of him from his stream the other day and someone was asking why he wasn't in the funeral roast and he said he was in the audience (not sure if that meant physical on set audience or online audience) watching! I wont lie, also was wanting him to show up in it though :(

I think it'd be great to have Damien as mainly talent! recently he seems more chill so if that because he's taken a step back then I'm all for it! Maybe it'll be like the inverse of what Kimmy did, instead of being talent she became a producer, and maybe he'll become just talent? as long as he stays at Smosh ill be happy :)

Quite honestly I feel like hiring more strictly producers is really good for Smosh and the people on the cast, they say their shoot week is SUPER draining so if its better and healthier for them that's great! Plus having someone solely dedicated to finding and sourcing games for them to play, we'll probably get better content! (something about overworking and echo chambers makes for stale content something something) my point is if they're happy and healthy I'm happy :)

#I swear to god though if he leaves smosh im throwing a fit #him and angela are too much fun to watch for him to leave rn #>:(#damangela #damien and angela #damien x angela #damgela #damngela #damien/angela #damngela dynamic enjoyer

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cosmicjoke · 6 months ago

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OMG I don't know if you've seen this yet but in the Levi tag 7m7n7 has made another post insulting you and some of your mutuals(didn't even take her a week lol). Basically she said you hate top/masculine Levi and that you did woobify him and think you own him, and that you're just like every other eruri. Also they posted a bunch of eruri accounts and some were calling Levi a twink, Erwin's bottom pillow princess. Others saying they can't see how other people can call Levi straight and dom, others using gay slurs etc. You know, the post is kind of crazy and all over the place. I think the thing 7m7n7 doesn't get is how big the eruri fandom is and how every big fandom has bad apples. That's not an excuse but it's a fact. Bad apples can literally be found in the self shipping community too, we've seen how some of them have issues with Levi showing vulnerability or emotions outside of anger. As well as with other Levi ships all round. Personally I wouldn't care if she goes at it with those eruri shippers who she feels are degrading Levi's character but she literally attacks every other eruri shipper, THAT'S the problem. She even goes after those actually minding their business and are not even on twitter or Tumblr but are writing their fics on ao3. She says the most vile things to everyone. Sorry but there's LITERALLY no excuse for her to tell one eruri ao3 writer that she's glad that her father died or telling other people she wishes they die or get raped because they have degraded her favorite character, which she herself also degrades and mischaracterize btw. I don't know how she doesn't notice how fucking crazy she sounds?!? Thinking she does what she does because she's fed up of the eruri fandom. And the funny thing is, I know some of the eruris she posted about as proof to show that even other eruris were also complaining about some eruris teasing self shippers or being misogynistic(which literally proves that not all eruris are the same lol because they literally call eact other out. It literally flew over her head) And she has insulted and attacked those she sees as better eruris too lmao, so what's her point. Plus those eruris also dislike her and have her blocked.

Additionally, she even attaked YOU, a very well known Levi defender who had also been going at it with some toxic shippers from all round, from some eruris and self shippers alike. So clearly she's full of shit.

And the hypocrisy is that okay fine she hates eruris, then why does she also hate rivakopon lol. She literally called someone MENTALLY ILL for saying Levi and Onyankopon likely got closer after the war. This person was a Colt/ Falco fan account btw so not an eruri lol.

Let's not forget she has also been caught cosplaying as an eruri on multiple occasions on different alt accounts. So at this point she might likely as well be some of the eruris she's complaining about. How are we to know.

lol, Yeah, I just got tagged, so I've glanced at the meltdown of epic proportions @7n7m7 is having. I only read like the first three paragraphs before I lost interest, lol. Maybe I'll read the rest later just to have a laugh. She's nothing but a freak show and a loser. The fact she can't accept on any level that her interpretation of Levi is just as much bullshit and fantasy as the worst eururi shippers who characterize Levi as some submissive bitch, again, just demonstrates her biblical levels of unawareness. The fact she keeps ranting without having any concept of what she looks like, any concept that everyone and their mother can see SHE started it and got her ass called out for it, again, demonstrates her complete lack of introspection or intelligence. And the fact she can't let it go just solidifies that further, lol.

At the end of the day, what this really boils down to is her insecurity and delusion. She's "in love" with Levi, she says, but what she's really in love with is her warped sexual fantasy that she imposes onto Levi's character, and can't bear to acknowledge Levi's actual character and who he actually is, because it disrupts her ability to indulge in that warped sexual fantasy. That's why she rages against every male/male ship that involves Levi. It's why she hates the idea of Levi being with Onyankopon. She's a fucking homophobic piece of shit, and also apparently likes the idea of Levi slapping the shit out of her, so, you know... If Levi was real, maybe she'd get her wish, just for her being such an incredible dumbass, though, because I know Levi wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole, otherwise, lol.

Anyway, this whole thing has just left me laughing. She's whining about her response to my call-out post only getting two replies and trying to blame it on me harassing people, when I've never harassed anyone or sent anyone anonymous messages, or any messages at all, lol. She only got two replies because everyone knows she's a fucking moron and that it's her own fault this all happened, because she couldn't just be normal and disagree with even an ounce of respect.

It's fine. She's wrong about Levi, and she probably knows it deep down, and that's why she can't handle any of this, and can't handle people discussing Levi's trauma and emotions, because every time she sees it, it reminds her of how her own, fanon version of Levi that she harbors in her feverish brain is completely antithetical to who Levi actually is.

Keep trying @7m7n7. Everybody is laughing at the clown.

#Levi Ackerman #tw discourse #anon asks

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creamybeemovie69 · 4 years ago

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Hate posting pictures of myself but a) I found this in my camera roll of when paradox managed to convinced to buy a flower crown b) I look possessed here and its funny

#im not tagging this s lfie #i refuse to #but idk what else to tag it #me #i guess #picture #idfk im nervous #random thoughts #maybe ill post some cosplays at some point to get over it #lgbtq #lgbt #trans

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mariska · 5 years ago

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well, today marks the 8th year anniversary of the day that Lollipop Chainsaw was released, which is absolutely bonkers. here is me the first time i did mariska cosplay makeup on myself vs the most recent time i did for the occasion! (left pic is from the beginning of 2013 when i was 15, right pic is from a few months ago this year right before i turned 23)

i’ve made a few very similar posts celebrating the anniversary of its’ release over the years, but i always get very nostalgic about it this time of year because, as silly as it sounds, this game literally changed the course of my life in a very positive way. so i’m gonna write about what it means to me for the millionth time under the ‘read more’ here, lol.

i turned 15 in may of 2012 and it was probably the most difficult year of my life. i’d been homeschooled for a couple years at that point because a number of issues had prevented me from being able to stay in public school any longer, and i’d just come out of a not great year in 2011 where i had attempted to try and go back to a public school setting for my first year of high school and it went really bad. i had lost contact with all but one of my friends that i used to hang out with in person and barely talked to anyone except my parents and my therapist anymore. i was extremely depressed and attempting to work through PTSD but a lot of the trauma was still so fresh. my anxiety was so severe that having a brief interaction with a cashier at a store would cause me to throw up half of the time. it was getting more difficult to be passionate about anything with every passing day and i spent a lot of time feeling hopeless that i was doomed to spend the rest of my life anxious and alone. at the end of that year, my health took a nosedive and i got my first auto-immune disease diagnosis, starting what would be a life-long journey of dealing with chronic illness and chronic pain, and having to juggle constant hospital visits/drs appointments and flare-ups of scary symptoms that i had no idea how to process (on top of my pre-existing mental health issues, and on top of the fact that i am autistic and didn’t know this at the time/wasn’t receiving any kind of professional validation for that yet)

lollipop chainsaw was the first game i ever pre-ordered and i was looking forward to a fun, mindless distraction the day it released. i beat the main story the next day and had an absolute blast with it, so i went to check if anyone was talking about it on tumblr and discovered that a couple of people had made some ‘ask blogs’ where they were going to roleplay as the characters and answer questions as them. i thought that sounded like a fun way to maybe get to interact with a few people, so i made one for my favorite character, mariska, and introduced myself to the other people i found.

it is absolutely wild to think that i would most likely have a very, very different life if i hadn’t made that blog. i owe so much to that community of people and the friends that i made on there. it encouraged me to start talking to people again, both in and out of character. it re-ignited my passions for writing, which i hadn’t done anything with in years, and art, and MUSIC, oh my GOD. i learned about so many new musical artists i’d never listened to before. i discovered that mariska’s voice actor, shawnee smith, had a music career of her own and totally fell in love with her songs, which led me to watching a bunch of her other films/shows, which led me to Saw, which led me to HORROR, my FAVORITE movie genre ever and a passion that literally defines a huge chunk of my life now. hearing her sing made me want to be a musician. my parents bought me my first guitar as a gift and i was over the moon with happiness. i started taking music lessons with a music teacher who i was really able to connect with and began writing my own songs in my spare time. then, for my 16th birthday, my parents surprised me with a record player and took me out to the nearest music store so i could pick out a big stack of cheap, used records of bands i’d only ever heard mentioned a couple times before in my life.

my life changed, completely. i spent all day rotating between writing as mariska on my roleplay blog, to creating art, to sitting on my bed and doodling in sketch books while i played Jefferson Airplane and Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd and Aerosmith and Rolling Stones and Supertramp and Earth, Wind & Fire and etc etc etc on my record player for hours. i started spending birthday/christmas gift money on clothes i found at thrift stores and discovered that i felt more like myself in a used dress from the ‘60s than i ever did in the modern clothes i was used to wearing.

i had passions again, and friends, and i was happy to be alive. i’ve said it so many times before, but i literally do not think i would have survived that era of my life if it weren’t for the friends, connections, hobbies and general love for life that i was able to find just from being a part of the lollipop chainsaw fan community that year. it truly saved my life and i will never be able to properly thank everyone who had a part in that for how they helped me cope with everything.

happy 8th anniversary, lollipop chainsaw!! i cannot believe it’s almost been a decade now. what a long strange trip it’s been etc etc. lmao

#lollipop chainsaw #mariska #maya papaya #long post #hopefully the read more works for mobile users i dont want to force anyone to have to scroll thru this wall of text on their dash LOL

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puppysynonym · 4 years ago

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im just gonna vent here for a second cuz i feel upset.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR:

-mentions of threatened sexual assault

- brief mention of an E.D.

-mention of yaoi/BL (i want to make it clear that i dont support it at all. its gross and fetishizes mlm relationships, but it plays a part in the context of an anecdote)

if i see one more post along the lines of "mY 5'10 aSs wHeN a 5'7-8 giRl cOmPlaiNs aBoUt bEinG tALL" im gonna scream.

im now 5'8", but ive ALWAYS been taller than most girls and a large amount of boys my age. ive been bullied about my height since i was in elementary school, and im so tired of seeing people post shit invalidating my experiences.

ive had people at multiple schools ive attended start rumors that im amab as an insult (which honestly is a weak ass way to insult me since trans women/femmes are absolutely fucking gorgeous and wonderful💞❤). but still, that shit eats away at you over time. im currently very confused about my gender identity, and i partially attribute that to consistently being told that i wasnt perceived as feminine enough by my peers because of my height.

its not just the assholery of people telling me that im masculine because of my height, its also people literally threatening to sexually assault me so they could figure out "whats in my pants" by "copping a feel". like fuck you. im really lucky that none of the people who said that shit actually touched me but it really hurt anyway because i thought those were people i could trust.

ive had people who i barely talk to walk up to me and ask if its hard for me to find a guy to date because im tall.

ive had friends point me out to boys who are 6'0+ and say "what about them? would you date someone their height?" only for the boy to come up with some lame excuses which ultimately circle back around to "no".

ive been told that i was dressed "inappropriately" at school for wearing fucking children's exercise shorts that on anyone else, wouldve been a normal length, but on me LOOKED short because my legs are so long. like they passed the stupid finger/arm length test and everything, but i was still picked on in front of my entire class for "not following the rules". maybe i wouldnt have been quite as hurt by it if girls shorter than me werent constantly getting away with wearing short-shorts that CLEARLY broke dress-code (dress-code is dumb and in all honesty, good for those girls for getting away with it, but it still hurt that i was kinda forced to wear knee length basketball shorts or pants in the summer just so i wouldn't get in trouble at school).

ive been given the male parts in dances rather than being part of "the hip lift" that my other girl classmates got to be apart of. and its not even because they didnt have enough boys to do the lift OR because i was too heavy (i was recovering from an ED at the time and was still unhealthily underweight). it was literally just because of my height.

i used to have an ex-friend that was shorter than me who i would cosplay with. im really happy that im out of that friendship for several reasons, but the only important one for the context of this story is that she likes yaoi. so whenever she wanted us to cosplay as a ship of hers, she'd always, without doubt, make me the "seme". listen, i get wanting our cosplays to be accurate to the characters height difference wise but we werent even that far apart in height?? like, she was 5'6 and i was like borderline 5'8 at the time (ive grown since then). and when we DID cosplay characters that were similar/the same height, she would insist that i wear flats instead of mary-janes because the later would make me look too tall. all of this shit probably wouldnt bother me as much now if she hadn't been such a shit friend, but she would also talk about how she always thought that xyz about her made her seem "sleazy" which was her code-word for masculine. the issue was, one of these things was her height. and i was OBVIOUSLY taller than her and she OBVIOUSLY acknowledged it so :) yeah.

there are DOZENS more examples i could give about how ive been treated like shit because of my height, but im tired so ill save those for another day.

in conclusion, i get to refer to myself as "tall". ive suffered enough because of it, i think i earned the title, thanks.

i want to make it clear that i understand that being a 6'0+ woman/feminine aligned person probably has more shitty repercussions than being 5'8 and im sorry for that. like, i have a hard enough time shopping for clothes so i can only imagine the shit y'all must go through :(

BUT IF I SEE ANOTHER 5'10 PERSON SAY THAT 5'7/5'8 ISNT TALL I SWEAR BRUH. LIKE YOURE 2 INCHES TALLER THAN ME. IF IM NOT CONSIDERED TALL, YOU ARENT EITHER :D

#tall girls #vent post #5'7 #5'8 #5'10 #6'1 #tw ed mention #tw assault #im sorry if this seems annoying i just dont have anywhere else to complain about it :(

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6ad6ro · 5 years ago

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im watching the projared explanation vid rn n i'm gonna keep adding to this as i watch. think of this as like real-time commentary? even tho it’s not real-time at all like i’m just pausing the video to make lil comments. here’s vid btw. but geez it'd be weird if all he did was cheat (like it's icky i’m def against cheating... but how would that matter to you if it doesn't involve u personally?).

TLDR (this was written after the fact): i’m rly leaning towards believing him about not doing the underage stuff. and i wished i had listened to my initial gut on that. i could care less about exchanging nudes with fans if they were 18+. i also could care less about any relationship drama. anyways i watched all of it and wrote a LOT. it’s kinda interesting (not rly) to see my opinion change over the course of the writing? i was really tearing into jared at first ahaha. but i’m putting it under a readmore. it’s not written well at all so read if you dare...

just started watching. first of all i will say it feels very scripted (is he lying/acting/performing? or is it just well thought out??) idk and LOL at him purposely looking unshaven and like a mess... like THAT was at least on purpose and makes me immediately not rly trust him? but idk i can't actually judge him based on this rly... then again what a sappy fucking thumbnail.

aw geez IT'S LIKE HE'S DOIN A REG COMEDY VIDEO like stop acting dude? i know he's... well he’s weird and seems like a very “scripted” person if that makes sense? but... it's just a rly weird move to try and make a "here's the real story/apology" video this way. not how i’d do it at all (and i’ve been there to a much lesser degree so)...

oh and i know he's SUPER mad at the two (at the time) underage ppl? and justifiably so if they lied. but idk his claim that the only reason for them to remove their accusation posts was "bc they held no water and they knew the timing was right to safely do the most damage"? uh dude you're one of the more well known youtubers like IMAGINE all the ppl that were harassing these guys? well at least they were both lgbtq etc and the gaming community has a traditionally open mind about that (sarcasm).

btw i kinda hate the term "the tea" too? soo much. but just bc it's another appropriated term white kids overuse... but even still i probably wouldn't have opened up a vid like this... well i'll just say it... was he straight up pointing the finger at gay ppl etc for harassing him n bein shallow n only enjoying the drama etc? like idKKK it just felt like he was calling out sassy gay ppl ONLY like why did he even say that??

yeah bc straight white gamer dudes NEVER gossip about drama. they NEVER act shallow. dude ur fanbase is like... some of the most shallow, gossipy ppl out there. i can't TELL you how many AWFUL videos i watched of your fans n other youtbers talking about you. and how... INSANE? it was? that they only rly called you out for "cheating on your cute wife" bc the accusations of underage shit n manipulation yeah nbd! but god forbid you cheat on your "attractive cosplay wife".

srry i'm rly tearing him apart here... i'm not meaning to. almost every gaming personality has shit fans. even i? me. a nobody. have to double check new followers to see if they're nazis etc? it's so common... anyways i'm not actually damning him in any way yet even if i'm bringing up so many lil issues i have w this vid lol srry?

btw i used to follow his tumblr. there was WEIRD shit going on, esp right before it shut down. like the "i got hacked" thing seems really convinient? IDK srry it's just my gut but he reminds me of sociopaths etc i used to be friends with. how he explains things and talks... like they all sound a lil like dennis from always sunny? idk my gut is tellin me he's full of shit i'm sorry. gonna keep watching. wait he really WAS hacked? i mean i guess i believed he was hacked at first bc the guy posting awful shit and claiming to be a pro-hacker was... well he was too crazy to be made up. a real fucking maniac loser.

as time is going on, unless all of this stuff is fabricated? he seems ro have found a crazy amount of proof that he didn't do the underage stuff. like... maybe the weird vibes he gave off is this stuff drove him insane? like... i’ve been friends with/dated quite a few fucked up, gaslighting assholes? trying to figure out what the fuck is going on can drive you a little nuts. he's kinda winning me over here a lil... again if the underage/manipulation stuff is untrue? i could care less about the other stuff. and i LOVE ross? but srry... who cares about that other stuff...

to explain what changed my mind: most ppl that he reminds me of are sociopaths etc. or rather, people that really fucked my life up. so i have a lotta baggage regarding them? and they're bigger in my mind than the other types. i won't lie the way he explains things and argues points REALLY bugs me? but i know ppl like that who are good people. or at least not psychopaths. immature, basic idiots at the worst (not that im callin HIM an idiot). anyways that alone doesn't make him guilty. watchin more now.

i was about to bring up that its actually really... cool? that he's focusing on the underage shit rather than the cheating/drama? bc thats all that needs to be explained rly? but LOL he just got to the "game grumps" part n in losing it. am i rly about to drown in this drama? fuck dude lol noooooo....

okay finished it. fuck man idk i feel stupid. right at the start i even was like "noooo he couldn't have!" but the underage stuff is like... like that shit makes my brain boil n stop working n go into “ill kill him” mode. and jared was so silent and so i figured he was doing damage control (ignoring it until it went away) rather than research to show people this was all fake/getting legal advice?

i kinda think he didn't do any of the real icky shit. i still get a vibe he might be a weirdo. and i don't think heidi necessarily made ALL of that stuff up? and i could care less that he was getting sexually involved w his fans like even I have been flirted with due to running a game gif blog (god knows why). and like FUCK it's so normalized for ppl in bands to sleep w fans? so why on EARTH would people think youtube gamerz are “too good for that”? anyways...

my point is, i think i mighta been wrong about him n the underage stuff. idk what to believe about the other stuff? the only thing i know for sure is that ross o'donovan is a very sweet n nice guy. and i'm so glad the drama between him and jared was imagined. it was prob just shitty to have fans ask him about it over and over...

okay lol if you just read all of this please go do something more fun and interesting now lol! i'm gonna put this all under a readmore and put a tldr on it! and... go to bed bc fuck its 2am OOPS!

#DONT reply or message me if you wanna fight about this #projared

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estelofimladris · 6 years ago

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My Longest Day Ever in Fandom

This has been one of the hardest 48 hours for me as a fan. Really they’ve been pretty bad in the scope of me being a person, but in my fandom experience, this shit takes the cake.

** WARNING: THERE ARE SPOILERS FOR The Magicians as well as some minor spoilers for Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Avengers: Infinity War, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, The Flash, and Supergirl. **

** ALSO: This shit gets super personal. Don’t read if it makes you uncomfortable. **

I get that I’m specifically interested in stories of struggle and triumph. I thrive with stories about how the things worth having aren’t easily obtained. And sometimes people fail and sometimes people lie. There are horrible obstacles and things to conquer.

A bit of my fandom-inflicted past:

Will Turner was my favorite Pirates character. We had tickets not only to the three-movie marathon on opening day, but then the midnight screening. I nearly didn’t go to the second screening.

Sirius Black is why I got into Harry Potter. I got into it at the weird middle place when the books were still coming out and the movies were being made. I had been forced to read the first book when it was first published and it had left a very bad taste for me so the fact that anything could draw me into the fandom was insane. I watched Prisoner of Azkaban entirely by chance while hanging with my cousins and had read all the books by the time Goblet of Fire was released. I lived in and loved a fandom where my favorite character was dead before I even got a chance to know him.

Grant Ward was one of my two my favorite Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. characters. I rushed a Ward cosplay for WonderCon, which happened to be scheduled about a week after the release of Captain America: The Winter Soldier and less than a week after the AoS episode “Turn, Turn, Turn” aired, revealing that Ward was a brainwashed and abused Hydra sleeper agent the whole time. I then nearly scrapped the entirely completed cosplay. Instead I wore it to WonderCon and had people whispering “Hail Hydra” to me all weekend.

I spent at least three years living with a TV curse. Every show that I watched before its renewal for a second season was cancelled. To this day, I struggle to watch new shows because I fear that I will fall in love with a show only for it to be cancelled.

In the past year, I have lost 5 of my favorite characters to sudden deaths/departures:

Bucky Barnes (Avengers: Infinity War)

Harry Wells (The Flash)

Leo Fitz (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Winn Schott (Supergirl)

And this is about the most recent one, Quentin Coldwater (The Magicians)

I also know that there are more to come:

Avengers: Endgame comes out next week.

Arrow is ending at the end of this year.

There are more stories of woe and uncomfortable spaces in which we want to see our favorites succeed and they fail or lose or die. But this, this is more than just someone failing or losing or dying.

I survived all that other shit. I was a little off for a few days following or weeks or months or even years. But we always come back to Fandom. Maybe not the same fandom, but the big idea of Fandom. Being a fan isn’t something you can really just stop.

I got into The Magicians because of serendipity. Two of my closest friends got into the show at some point last year and had mentioned that I’d liked it, but it was one in a malaise of fandoms that I’d been told that about and I only have so many hours in the day and space in my heart. One of the people I was rooming with at SDCC this last year had freshly gotten into the show and was going to the panel. Another of my friends was going to the panel as well who had freshly gotten into the show. When I asked about it afterwards, the lovely human said they’d met a lovely other new fan. My friends had met entirely by chance at the panel and I got to hear all about how lovely the fandom was and that it was a really great panel with a lot of promise for the new season.

I got home from SDCC and, one day while curious, watched the pilot of The Magicians.

I finished the show in less than three weeks. I watched it again. I’ve probably watched this show more than any other media since August.

A bit of background about me and why this show struck a very deep chord with me:

I met my entire close group of friends, my found family, because of Lord of the Rings. I learned Sindarin (elvish) in high school. Every screen name I have is related to my love and foundation of loving Lord of the Rings. I have a tattoo in elvish.

I grew up around a lot of mental illness. I myself have been diagnosed and treated for adolescent/adult ADD, but members of my family as well as every best friend I’ve ever had, has been depressed and most were suicidal. I had to confront my best friend over suicide attempts at 13. My brother was treated for extremely aggressive childhood depression when I was a kid.

I’m also queer. Still working to unstick myself from some definitions I’ve given myself, but I’m definitely genderqueer and androphilic and exploring my romantic identity in part because of this show.

I’ve delt with death my whole life. My first grandparent (maternal grandfather) died when I was 5 or 6. My last grandparent (paternal grandmother) died when I was 22. I had a dear friend die in a motorcycle accident in 2015. I’ve been there for people who have lost loved ones suddenly and held people’s hands through the deaths of parents, loved ones, and children.

I also am about to complete my third and final year of an insanely rigorous graduate costume design program.

This show felt like it was made for me to love it. It made it so easy.

The fandom was a loving community that welcomed me immediately and I have thrived there. I would come home from a crazy day at school, put on an episode of the show, and get lost in the lovely fandom that I’d found myself in. I mean that both ways. Yes, I tripped and fell and found myself among excellent people. But more importantly, I found myself in ways I didn’t expect through The Magicians.

Through a series of very unfortunate events, I stopped reading Fan Fiction about 7 or 8 years ago. I would occasionally write something, but nothing that I cared about what anyone thought about it. It was only writing that had to be written not writing for an audience in any way.

The Magicians got me reading Fan Fiction again. I drew fan art. I participated in discussions on the meta. I joined in when I don’t really have the free time, but it felt so good.

In Quentin in particular, I found a part of myself that was seldom voiced. This melancholy nerd who was Doing His Very Best™ all the time tapped into the kid who loved something so much it transformed their life. It spoke to the parts of me that I don’t talk about that feel like a fraud and a floundering fool. The Magicians told me that I’m not some pathetic thing. That I’m part of my world and that I belong. That it’s ok to re-think about sexuality and romance as an adult. It spoke to my struggles with school and creating something from absolutely fucking nothing.

Something that I’ve not told many people: I’ve struggled with feeling worthy of love. I’ve had some really big relationships that ended poorly and ever since coming out as genderqueer and living my truth, I’ve been single. Watching Quentin be so worthy of love and struggle with that himself, he really shifted my views on relationships.

So, Wednesday was, needless to say, rough.

The fun twist though, I have a mandatory class on Thursday mornings. I had a lot of anxiety about this finale already because I had a notion that something horrible was going to happen because its a Magicians finale. I really struggled to work on homework for the past week. (I texted a friend on Wednesday “How am I supposed to work under these conditions!?” partway through the day.)

This anxiety resulted in not all of my homework being done by the time I had set aside to cook a delicious dinner and settle in to watch the episode with friends. So at the end, after I had cried, drank, nearly threw up from being upset, and was all-in-all a complete wreck, I then proceeded to work on homework until I couldn’t, then I put myself to bed with an alarm set to wake up early and finish, but woke up with a nearly-vomiting anxiety attack (which I don’t get ever) an hour before my alarm.

I finished my homework on my 1.5 hours of sleep, went to class, tried to be eloquent and not burst into tears. I sorta succeeded at both, thankfully. My work was... sub-par, but present, which was the only real requirement. Despite some close calls, I didn’t cry until I was in my car driving home.

I got home, cried a lot, tried to eat and sleep (and failed at both) and ended up having a second wake with another friend and drinking, which finally made me fall asleep.

Throughout the day, I seriously considered deleting every Magicians post from my queue and even my Tumblr as a whole. I thought about dropping out of fandom entirely, including conventions, cosplay - all of it. I thought about selling or donating all of the considerable amount of Magicians merch and related items (cosplay, decor, fan-made merch) that I’ve accumulated in the past few months. I thought about shaving off the hair that I grew out specifically for Quentin that helped me re-shape my queer identity over the past few months.

I woke up in the middle of the night again with more panic attacks. It took sitting with my best friend to make me really fall asleep and stay asleep.

Today, I’m looking back at this whole experience up to this point and I’m so exhausted. I’m tired of crying over something that just brought me so much deep joy. I miss my fandom. We’re all in mourning and its chilling.

I decided somewhere in my insanity yesterday that I need to reclaim The Magicians that I loved. I posted about how it will take time, but they can’t kill the love that transformed my life.

I’m still not sure how to get out of this horrible raw place, but I know time will help. And actually eating a real meal.

I’m sharing all of this because I’m not the only one in this place. If you’re struggling, you are not alone.

I see you. I feel you.

Thank you for being a part of this fandom that has so heavily enriched my life. You are loved. We will find ourselves again.

#personal #but also about the magicians #fandom #the magicians #quentin coldwater #i'm a fucking disaster right now

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plush-anon · 6 years ago

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tejoxys

I finally saw the Endgame spoilers clip

*rubbing my grubby little hands together bc I love a good roast*

Welp, if it’s a roast you want, a roast you shall receive!

(Note: I think I spoke vaguely enough about everything big in the Clips below NOT to warrant an outright Spoilers tag, so I’m leaving it with just an Endgame Leaks tag and a ‘Read More’ line. Message me if you’ve a.) seen the Clips/gone scrolling for more info in the Spoilers tag and b.) think it’s more spoilery than I try to vague it to be, and I’ll tag it post haste)

Christ Almighty, the Clips just make everything look like an enormous MESS.

Thor looks just... awful. In every scene. LITERALLY EVERY SCENE HE’S IN IN THESE SPOILERIFIC CLIPS, HE LOOKS TERRIBLE. There isn’t a single one where he doesn’t look like a mess. Everyone else gets a glow-up (new hair, tattoos, freshly shaved) and looks put together in general (which is admittedly baffling - really, EVERYONE looks good in the face of mass genocide and failure to stop it from occurring?) but Thor decided to whip out his Big Lebowski cosplay at their big ‘save the world’ get-together... why??? (seriously Thor, was a shower too much to ask for?)

Now, if we’d had ANY inclination that anyone else looked rough aside from Tony and Nebula a la the stuck-in-space teaser trailers we saw originally, that would be one thing. Everyone there lost a loved one, everyone there has probably had to come to terms with the fact that they FAILED TO STOP THANOS when they were all right freakin’ there! NO ONE SHOULD LOOK 100% OKAY HERE. Show me dishevelment, poor coping mechanisms, show them having to struggle for weeks (maybe even MONTHS) after the events.

But nope! They are ALL in perfect health according to the trailers we’ve seen before. Even Tony, after nearly dying in space multiple times, just takes a bath and appears to be in fine health after getting back (with some bags under the eyes). Everyone’s perfectly fine, except for Thor (and maaaaaybe Hawkeye, who looks to have gone full-on Frank Miller Batman in his quest for vengeance, but still had time to get a mullet and some sweet sleeve tats in between!).

Nice.

This is a MASSIVE problem with the MCU as a whole, and has been for a while: their repeated attempts to gloss over and sweep consequences of mental trauma and illness away under the rug until it suits them for plot convenience or for comedy. You see this in the Thor sequels a LOT (Selvig being institutionalized for comedy after being possessed, Loki being kept in literal solitary confinement for roughly 2 years, Valkyrie’s PTSD and alcoholism played for laughs, mocking Loki’s suicide attempt from Thor 1 and the actual death he survived in Thor 2, ALL of Odin’s outright dickishness as a parent a la narcissistic parenting, Hela being imprisoned in isolation for literal CENTURIES), as well as anything to do with Tony Stark and his thought process (everything he does is pretty much as a result of the trauma he endures, and everyone in the Avengers just??? doesn’t recognize it??? and attacks him for it without going ‘hey, maybe he’s got PTSD’ or something???? what the hell, man). GOTG does a MUCH better job of it with Rocket and Nebula, but Mantis is left woefully unrealized (thought they do touch upon it briefly, and handle it with relative seriousness).

Either way, Thor concerns me a LOT, because he is the king of a very small group of Asgardian refugees (and given the scene that shows in the Clips, as well as the appearance of another Thor character later on, we KNOW there were multiple survivors), trying to find a new life on Midgard in the face of not one, not two, but THREE fcuking tragedies - the destruction of Asgard, Thanos’ attack on their ship, and the Snap. Why is he the way he is, in the location he’s in (which actually appears to be the apartment from Team Thor’s mockumentary)? He is the only semblance of leadership left for these people who have lost everything and he’s Like That. Where is a Thor stressed and fretting over being fully responsible for once in his life over the lives of his people, over what little remains of his kingdom? Where is a Thor struggling with guilt as he tries to build a new life for his people, struggling with rule and politics and trade? WHERE IS HE??? Bc right now, all I see is Chris Hemsworth auditioning for the remake of The Big Lebowski, having wandered onto the Avengers set instead of his audition location by mistake -_-

The scenes with Steve leave me absolutely baffled (and some of them just ooze cheese, and not in a great way), because how in the fcuk do we get to those?? His scenes feel the most disjointed here, bc they all have a similar vibe to his personality in Whedon’s Avenger movies. Kind of the ‘Boy Scout’ presentation, which is particularly odd in the aftermath of the Russo Fools’ two Cap movies and Infinity Fcuk Up, which made him more serious, less - bright? I can’t think of a good word for it rn. This is particularly highlighted in his big ‘save the world’ speech we hear - it feels kind of like an ‘okay team, time to save the world!’ speech, instead of something more serious. Is it to try to bring everyone’s hopes up? What else is missing here that we’re not seeing? Why does he feel like he’s back to this persona in light of all that’s happened? Is it to highlight how good and awesome he is in order to {SPOILER REDACTED} like we see in that final sequence? (Also, the imagery for SPOILER REDACTED, while meant to be badass and awesome, feels... kind of awkward, IMHO. Which is weird, bc I thought it would be more amazing and awesome. IDK, maybe I’m just super jaded with the MCU by now).

Carol Danvers’ scenes are actually pretty on point. She gets to be a badass in her fighting scenes and gets an awesome new look that pretty much only functions to further cement her Lesbian Status. The only way she would be more obviously a Lesbian is if her suit were in the colors of (one of) the Lesbian Pride flags and a Cyndi Lauper song was playing in the background (or maybe Joan Jett).

Hulk/Bruce Banner... I don’t even know how they’re going to swing this. Like, at all. I’m particularly baffled bc given how some of the scenes appear to be set early in the film, it resolves extremely quickly to get to that point, and after all the drama of Hulk not coming out in Infinity Fcuk Up, I just - who the fcuk knows at this point. Also, that one scene with the {SPOILER REDACTED} could be effective depending on how they set it up, but then... why exactly is he the one in the scene with the {SPOILER REDACTED} and not Carol or Thor, due to Obvious Plot Reasons?

Finally, Peter Parker. He’s adorable in his scenes, ‘nuff said.

Now, after seeing these scenes, I am left EXTREMELY CONCERNED for this movie’s tone. Granted, it was only 5 minutes of footage for a 3 hour movie. Quite clearly, there is a LOT we aren’t seeing. All the same though, it feels extremely disjointed. I know they’re trying to pull away from the dark and grim ending of Infinity War, but these clips make it all feel a little too casual, a little too ‘let’s go beat the bad guy!’ as opposed to ‘we have suffered a great failure and a great tragedy - as heroes, we MUST work to undo this for the sake of those we have lost, and everyone left alive who has lost the people they loved’. Idk, that may just be me on this one.

But you know the worst part of all of THIS? The worst part is that this is probably what we’re going to get on the release date. This isn’t a trailer Marvel released with deleted live-action scenes featuring minimal to no CGI, or sections clumsily edited over with explosion effects - this was a slew of scenes with a TON of special effects fully rendered in painstaking detail, recorded with a phone on its side in what looks like a movie theater, with foreign subtitles on the screen (I honestly don’t recognize the alphabet, but it might be Middle Eastern). That CGI is expensive and time-consuming as all hell to do, and considering how many of these scenes had it? Either they wasted a shit-ton of money on scenes they didn’t use (seriously, a number of them have Rocket in them, or Hulk - those aren’t the easiest characters to render, I would imagine), or these are in the movie, end of story.

Not to mention, TPTB clamped down on these Clips HARD - like, IMMEDIATELY - as opposed to the process behind deleting Reddit comments. The fast and heavy response from Marvel and the Russo Fools, COMPLETE WITH OFFICIAL TWEET LETTER, along with a Chris Evans tweet not to Spoil the Shit, was to chastise the ones who did (which is somewhat warranted here, given how extreme the security on leaks for Endgame have been).

This response, combined with the quality of the clips, and some of the plot threads that actually seem to be mentioned/referenced in the Lego sets, leads me to believe it’s real.

And I’m not really impressed.

On the flipside, I’m actually kind of relieved, knowing what I’m going into when I walk into the theater opening weekend. I’m not going to be completely shocked and horrified by what I see. This works well in breaking the ice, and also eases some of my anxiety on what to expect (bc I have had a LOT of it for this movie).

The downside to this is that at the end of the day, this is what 22 films ultimately amounted to. Something that feels a little too glib, a little too rushed. Something that doesn’t feel like it’s doing right by the characters who were left, and the characters we love (at least, not in full).

I understand that this is an insurmountable task - to bring to film, with limited time, a satisfying conclusion to so many characters. To arrange hundreds of people within thousands of hours on a set budget to bring this massive story, building for over ten years now, to a close that will resonate and sate with as many fans as possible. But I read fanfiction that does just that with less time, fewer moments, no budget - hell, there are 10k oneshots that rewrote Infinity Fcuk to make sense and treat the characters with the respect that they’ve earned over 20+ films.

This? Doesn’t feel like those.

I will happily admit, I am guesstimating a LOT here, based off of what essentially amounts to 3% of the movie (slightly more, depending on how long the credits are sans post-credit scenes, but still roughly 3%). There is a LOT that is missing, which could fill in these gaps successfully and make this whole post look completely pointless. If it does that, I will gleefully concede that it fooled us on this one. Maybe all of these scenes really ARE hoaxes (even if they were painstakingly subtitled in a foreign language and shown on a movie theater-size screen, but I digress).

But the framing of the scenes looks like it was meant to showcase what the movie would be as a whole, in terms of tone and what to expect. And from that, I’m not excited, or overjoyed. I’m just tired.

And I cannot WAIT for this all to be over, bc I’m fcuking exhausted just watching 5 minutes. Lord knows what 182 of them will leave me like in the end.

*peers up at massive unending ranty analysis post* ...ah. Well then. that happened again. Ah well. Hope you had fun reading my nonsense brain goop, kiddos.

#tejoxys #avengers endgame #endgame leaks #analysis #plush rants #kind of #i am so tired #long post #if anyone wants to watch the Clips #i found a tumblr link that still has the video #dm me and i'll send it your way #normally i can actually guess a movie plot pretty damn well #i laid out both httyd2 and the good place's plots out just based off of trailers right off the bat #but this time? i REAAAAAAALLY hope i'm wrong #the only good part of this is that loki hasn't popped up in the Clips #also a bad part bc i Want To Know dammit #but after seeing thor here? it's a relief like no other

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hontou-baka · 6 years ago

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a post.

been awhile, hasnt it, tumblr.

i have a fair amount of followers, half of which are probably old spam and porn accounts, so i doubt anyone will read this and i doubt anyone cares. venting, self indulgence, i guess.

im not sure if im back. i hope not. not to sound condescending, but im trying to spend my time doing meaningful and purposeful stuff. tumblr is just another social media app that sucks up my time when procrastinating. but i might try to get back into art, and tumblr is maybe the best place to put that, so.... idfk.

i came back once, fleetingly, when white diamond was revealed- knowing tumblr was my best place for content and info and craving it. same goes for right now. i just finished the homestuck epilogues and needed to see others thoughts, some content, i need it for my own catharsis.

ill give my hot take on the epilogues. im sure you could already tell what my opinion is from the posts ive shared. to my relief, this seems to what the majority of others are feeling, too (based on my scrolling through the homestuck epilogue tag for a few hours). they were fucking awful. felt like an edgelord's "pain is the epitome of human emotion" fanfic. it solidified my feeling that hussie no longer cares about homestuck. no, it confirmed to me that he violently LOATHES homestuck, and perhaps even (or especially) its fanbase.

i always thought homestuck would be the most important thing to me. it was, ever since i started reading it 6 or so years ago. there will never be anything that even comes close to what homestuck was for me. it was the only thing that kept me alive through some of the hardest parts of my childhood. i made some great friends at the time because of it (not that any of them stuck around). i was planning on doing homestuck cosplays for the rest of my cosplay existence, to prove that homestuck was still my #1. i wanted to get homestuck tattoos once i was free of debt!

but the ending of homestuck left me bitter. imo, the fandoms bullshit and the hiveswap fuckery left no love in hussies heart for his creation. he wanted it over, and just ended it. but nobody was satisfied with that of course, including me. so i was ecstatic to hear there would be an epilogue. but as weeks, months, years went by with nothing... i began to accept that wed probably never get epilogues. id just love homestuck for what it was, be salty about the ending, and that was that.

then, they came.

reading the epilogue tags, i thought they were a joke, just as many others did. it sounded like every sensitive subject that could ever be tagged was in there, including shit that just seemed ludicrous. but i persisted, like a fool, desperate for the sburb-logo hole on my heart to be filled.

the prologue already gave me so many red flags. my husband had hope, liked where it was going. a huge time skip, ten years we just have to accept went by. all of the characters had drifted apart so bad it was jarring. johns depression and mistakes and regret was daunting. everything felt so off.

and it only got worse. i started with candy. i was confused that thered even be the option all written out for john to stay. at first, i thought i was going to get some good ship shit. rosemary was the only good thing about candy. johnroxy started, took the fuck off, then just... it all fell apart. not a singe character consistently behaved in a way that felt like a natural progression of the characters we followed for so many years. what was the point of jane becoming trumphilter? to angstily show the duality of man? what was the point of all of the weird ass sex? it just feels like such a forced thing, like "oh, everyones grown up now! gotta fuck, and dont you dare even THINK any of it is going to be vanilla fluff and not.... anything but that...."

im not usually one to get upset over content that most find triggering, unless its real or shown in a very real way. but, for example, i honestly felt sick when dirk killed himself. i could go on about candy but it just felt like there was so much bait for a semblance of happiness, just to make it all as bad as possible.

meat was worse. hastily attempting to tie up plot points (like lord english) while also making dirk akuma homura...

also, apparently the author of family never ends had a hand in this? ive never been one for fan fiction, but for some reason i read that one, and it fucked me up. bad. i had the worst bout of depression and even suicidal thoughts for the first time in a while because of that fic. so, it feels like hussie wanted to recruit some ruthless-ass people to make something to intentionally hurt the people who demanded so much of him for a work he clearly hates now.

i... i think i dont like homestuck anymore, EXCLUSIVELY because of this. it feels like im throwing away one of the biggest parts of myself. it hurts so much, i feel so, SO betrayed. i would rather hussie have just announced he no longer had passion for homestuck, give us a shitty .txt file of a true ending (or the gist of one), and have left it there. but i guess that wouldnt have made him money now that viz bought the franchise.

i think, i will not come back to tumblr. it hurts. i had plenty of reasons for leaving, including everyone dipping out of homestuck. and i have other interests now that just dont align with the tumblr ive made and the followers i have (not like, core shit like lgbt+ rights or anything, im just really into health/fitness and particularly nutrition and i doubt my followers signed up for that plot twist). without homestuck, its even more just a painful past that haunts me here.

thanks for everything, if anyone ever even reads this. it was fun while it lasted.

-Hanna, aka hungoverterezipyrope

#i dont even remember my personal tag anymore...#the sickest thing about all of this is i will might always keep up with homestuck.#if i come back- it will be a completely new account #with no fandoms. just health and fitness and nutrition and shit like that i guess.

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fo4companionsreactions · 7 years ago

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So, the time is finally upon us, I present to you... the Fallout 4 Companions Dating Headcanon Mega Post, featuring at least 20 per romance-able companion, by yours truly.

Ft X6 because he needs more love

Enjoy!

Cait: (Post Vault 95)

Once comfortable, lots of flirty banter and teasing of the other person

Asking Sole’s opinion on certain things, a lot of “Hey you think this’ll be any good?”

Confiding in her significant other, more so than any other person

Lot’s of drinking together, often leading to heated make out sessions

Cait gradually becoming more comfortable with herself with Sole’s love and support

Gradually letting down her barriers and letting Sole in more

Wandering around their repaired sanctuary house in a baggy t-shirt and shorts, only around Sole. She dare not do it unless only Sole is there.

Occasionally forgetting and eating Sole’s food by mistake then feeling extremely guilty with Sole comforting her

Getting angry when she finds any hint of drugs around the place, fearing Sole might be doing them behind her back.

On some nights snuggling right up to Sole and holding them tight, especially in storms

Sometimes asking if Sole still loves her, just for reassurance

collecting and modding weapons together

Sleeping sprawled out on the bed until late morning because Sole doesn’t want to disturb her

Sleeping curled up in a ball waiting for Sole to come to bed

Only truly sleeping well knowing Sole is near

Humming more frequently when around Sole, losing herself in her personal piece of heaven

Getting extremely jealous of anyone showing to or receiving Sole’s attention

Being very hesitant the first time she and Sole had sex, in case they’re just using her again

With Sole she begins to enjoy making love and develop a healthy sex life with her partner, both of them safe and trusting of the other

Putting her entire heart and being into this and hoping for the life of her it works out

Often small, lights little touches every now and again just to remind herself and Sole

Has a piece of Sole’s clothing wrapped around her wrist wraps to remind her of them

Cait will often run her hand through Sole’s hair when in bed

Whenever they embrace both arms are wrapped around Sole tightly, one of the rare times she lets down her defences

Curie: (Synth Body)

1. Curie always checking in with Sole to make sure they’re healthy both mentally and physically

2. Cute compliments between the two every day, both parties being red as a tato

3. Curie becoming more used to and enjoying the small aspects of being in a relationship, the small physical gestures, the impromptu “I love you” and the surprise kiss or two

4. Being the tiniest spoon when she and Sole snuggle in bed

5. Always asking Sole about how life was before the war

6. Always making sure Sole is eating healthily and is not falling ill

7. Sole being able to hold her up, with Curies legs wrapped around their waist when they hug

8. Curie always going a little quiet when Sole is off travelling, she is desperately hoping they come back okay

9. Sole often bringing back a bouquet of fresh flowers and an array of specimens for Curie to admire and study

10. Sole always bringing back any science and medical related material they find on their adventures

11. Curie wanting to try the dates and couples activities she’s read about in magazines and books from before the war

12. Sometimes not being able to keep her eyes shut when she and Sole kiss, wanting to see her lover

13. Being extremely anxious the first time they made love, to the point of hyperventilating

14. Curie being open to most things in terms of the bedroom as long as they’re safe for both parties

15. Really sensual and intimate sex

16. Curie often being the sub under Sole’s command

17. Being like a church mouse and silent when she and Sole make love, should anyone be able to hear them

18. Light delicate touches on the other

19. Sleeping wrapped up in each other

20. Taking walks around sanctuary together, mainly at sunset so Sole can show her the natural beauty of the world she yearns to see

21. Curie propping herself up on her tip toes to be able to kiss her lover

22. Sole being Curie’s lab assistant when she needs them

Danse: (Post Blind Betrayal)

1. Sole sneaking peaks at Danse while he works, either on his power armour or around the settlement

2. Sole giving Danse a gentle pat on the ass whenever they walk past him

3. Tight prolonged hugs when they can

4. Danse hogs the blankets

5. When out on adventures Danse insists on cooking rations

6. Couples power armour

7. A couple that trains hard together, plays hard together *wink wink*

8. Takes up the entire bed but has Sole wrapped up in his arms

9. During the winter Danse is the perfect sleeping partner

10. Always checks on Sole’s gear and kit to make sure it’ll keep his lover alive

11. Totally denies it but loves when Sole places their hand on his chest when the snuggle in bed

12. Danse slowly opening up to the others, with Sole’s help

13. Danse, the biggest of all spoons

14. Danse often waits until Sole falls asleep first, as if he was guarding them

15. Adopts Dogmeat like one of his own, often having him on the bed with he and Sole

16. Becomes a figure Shaun looks up to, but doubts if he is the right person for that

17. Often works himself into a panic thinking he’ll lose Sole, to which they quickly assure him they’re going nowhere

18. Goes hunting with Sole, often turning the trip into a mini holiday away together

19. Admits to Sole, behind closed doors that they’re the only thing keeping him alive

20. He’s they walked into his life and are now a huge part of his new life

Deacon:

1. Deacon having trouble looking Sole in the eye but learning to overcome this anxiety with time

2. Being more like best friends that happen to be romantic rather than a couple

3. Couples disguises

4. Cosplaying as each other to fool others

5. Matching Death Bunny tattoos

6. Loud snoring from Deacon

7. Really giggly sex

8. Sole wearing the glasses during sex

9. Deacon getting Sole their own personal pair of sunglasses

10. “Sneaky Deeks” wink wink

11. Carpet matches the drapes

12. Really good role-play

13. Deacon, a master with both words and his tongue, if you know what I mean

14. “Are you lying again?” “No… maybe… a little… yes”

15. Mac N’ Cheese baby

16. Deacon sleeps face down sprawled out, pushing Sole almost off the bed

17. Wakes up in the middle of the night with random stuff to talk about to Sole

18. “Snuggle monster”

19. Deacon’s cum face makes Sole HOWL with laughter

20. When he and Sole are together, Deacon will often take his shades off to make the time he and Sole share, more intimate

Gage:

1. Sole procuring a better patch for Gage, one that doesn’t rub against his skin so harshly

2. When they drink they drink together and alone, no one else may join them

3. Sole slowly trying to integrate Gage into the group with the other companions

4. Gage being very nervous when he and Sole are intimate, him not knowing what it’s really like to be loved by another

5. Gage never really getting used to hearing the words “I love you”

6. Gage getting jealous and somewhat suspicious of anyone hanging around with Sole for long periods of time

7. Running Nuka World as a fierce duo

8. Gage growing out his hair overtime as he becomes more comfortable, Sole can even run their fingers through it

9. Spreading the reach of the Nuka World gangs wherever they go

10. Sometimes escaping to Far Harbour together to get away from the Commonwealth

11. Splitting everything 50/50

12. Gage being in sever denial that someone loves him like Sole

13. Over time slowly opening up and becoming more open with Sole

14. Finally feeling safe in Sole’s embrace

15. Finally feeling like they both belong somewhere

16. Gage gifting Sole their own personal Handmade Rifle

17. Decides to run away with Sole and leave Nuka World behind

18. Being very protective of Sole

19. At first kept space between each other when sleeping, over time getting closer and building trust

20. Tries to cook for Sole, surprisingly makes a mean Iguana bits

Hancock:

1. Actually cuts down on the drugs, Sole means more to him

2. Sole wears the frock coat as pjamas

3. Like a spider monkey, clings to Sole at night under the covers

4. Hancock is, to no surprise the small spoon

5. Really big fan of oral

6. Fahrenheit constantly snooping on them, sometimes catching them in the act

7. Hancock suffers nightmares, Sole will often sit up and comfort him in the event

8. Anyone dares look at Sole the wrong way, Hancock will fuck them up

9. Overprotective smol hubby

10. Can’t cook but tries his best

11. Invites the rest of the gang for a Sleepover, only Curie turns up with some sugar bombs

12. A man who enjoys a good scotch, Sole being more of a bourbon person

13. Sole can give Hancock a piggy back

14. Roleplay…

15. Hancock gets turned on when Sole does the Shroud voice

16. Finally feels like he has something to stick around for

17. A couple that gets high together, stays together

18. More like best friends, but also lovers, the best of both worlds

19. Self declared mayor of Sole’s pants

20. Kinky… but romantic

MacCready:

1. Plenty of hypothetical’s about the wedding that’ll come one day

2. Sole wanting to meet Duncan

3. Both partners honing their sharpshooting skills in friendly competition, the one who hits the least accurately buys the rounds

4. Plenty of discussion over which calibre is best, which scopes, attachments, trigger groupings and every conceivable topic of firearms

5. Running “little games” in order to get the most caps possible out of a job they take on

6. Having a rule that one of them must always be able to get the other home on a night out at the Third Rail or Dugout Inn

7. Mac often waking up to see Sole covering their head with a pillow because of his snoring

8. Counting caps together

9. Mac teaching Sole a thing or two about sharp shooting

10. Reading comics together

11. Going on the hunt for all editions of Grognak

12. Playing games on Sole’s Pipboy while Sole sleeps

13. Sole waking up with Mac sprawled all over them, the bed, the room and all furniture

14. Arguments about whether wood, bakerlite or ABS make the best rifle stocks

15. Slowly, overtime “liberating” all the goods from Hubris comics and transporting them to Sanctuary

16. Really loud sex

17. Mac is the sub

18. Kinky fuckers, really kinky

19. Argue often but have really good makeup sex

20. “I’m the best shot”, “No I’m the best shot” over and over

Nick:

1. Nick being the most, gentle gentleman possible

2. Sole getting him a new trench coat to replace the old torn one

3. Nicks eyes being like Sole’s personal night lights

4. On cold nights Nick giving Sole his trench coat to keep them warm

5. Late night coffee stints trying to crack capers together

6. Talking through the issues of the pre-war era together late at night while the others sleep soundly

7. The two sitting on top of the roof of the agency on summer nights with a whiskey and a pack of smokes

8. Discussing high literature together

9. Sole listening in awe of Nick’s hours of philosophical ramblings

10. Solving mysteries like an apocalyptic, noir Scooby Doo

11. For Christmas Sole gets Nick a 44. Revolver to replace his pipe revolver

12. Nick always manages to leave a rose on Sole’s pillow

13. Sole dressing Nick in the Silver Shroud costume whenever possible

14. Nick will sometimes read to Shaun when he has trouble sleeping

15. Nick is christened “Grandad” by Shaun

16. The man knows his fine wine and whiskey

17. Often gives Ellie the night off so he and Sole can be alone together

18. Nick… can… cook, my god can he cook

19. Tends to teach Shaun about literature, poetry, philosophy and morals of right and wrong

20. The most charming man to walk the earth

Piper:

Lots of cute dates to get some noodles

Midnight snacks with Sole on sugar bombs and sweet rolls

Asking Sole to pick up any printing supplies they find on their adventures

Light finger tip touches and eskimo kisses when alone together

Pushing Sole out of the bed at night, on accident of course, from spreading her limbs like a starfish

Running her hand along Sole’s chest while cuddling together in bed

Religiously making sure the door is locked when they’re alone together

Reading together

Always inquiring with Sole about life before the war, the people, the places, the food and politics

Piper wearing Blue’s vault suit as pjamas

Sharing her stash of sweet roll and other snacks with Sole

Wearing Sole’s clothes when she has a lay day

Swapping an item of clothing when they travel apart, Sole often taking her press hat as a token

Sole and piper gathering reading material on their travels wherever they can

Piper lightly snoring when in a deep sleep and getting flustered about it with Sole, with Sole saying they actually think it’s cute

Piper curled up like a ball in bed with Sole’s arm wrapped around her, their hand often running through her hair

Piper asking Sole’s opinion on her newest articles

Getting intensely jealous of Sole being around Cait

Piper acting like a giant nerd around Sole when alone together

Going the reddest red when Sole compliments her even slightly

Tight, prolonged hugs and hand holding

Preston:

1. “Babe”

2. Lazy Sundays at Sanctuary together

3. Sole and Preston having their own small garden patch that they both tend to

4. Preston having Sturges help him fix up Sole’s house as a surprise for his lover

5. Both pairing up their boots in the corner of the room when they go to bed

6. Sole gets to wear Preston’s hat during sex

7. When Sole is around Preston’s laser musket is always… fully charged

8. Preston is a really good cook

9. For a present, Preston gave sole a little teddy bear wearing a little hat similar to his so Sole always has something to hold on to when they are apart

10. Total lightweights

11. Sole building a hand guard mod for Preston’s rifle to stop him burning his hand

12. During the winter, Preston gathers more blankets to keep he and Sole warm, as well as a small fireplace in the corner of the room

13. Spooning for days

14. Because of the gloves, Preston has really softs hands and a gentle, but firm touch

15. The two get the gang round and have a meal with them every so often

16. The man will not turn down a hug and is always ready to give one

17. Admits that down the line a child wouldn’t be ruled out

18. Sole is thrilled that Preston treat’s Shaun like his own son

19. Preston being the typical shy guy but a real sweetheart

20. Really gentle but firm hugs with a lil smooch

X6-88:

1. Extremely protective of Sole

2. Matching sunglasses and death stares

3. When in private, X6 allows himself to smile in Sole’s company

4. Takes Sole a good 10 minutes to take off, all of X6’s weapons when trying to get intimate

5. Machine in the streets, animal in the sheets

6. Sole is the only person that X6 wont strangle when asked about his feelings

7. Training and sparring together

8. Definitely the tall, dark and handsome lover

9. X6 having a meltdown over the intelligence of some of the characters they come across while in the commonwealth

10. When sleeping, sleeps perfectly straight on his back with his arms crossed like a mummy

11. A game or two of “What’s under the trench-coat”

12. Watching over Shaun like a hawk, as per Father’s wishes

13. Over time Sole breaking down the tough persona and bringing X6 closer into the group

14. Sole and X6 becoming the ultimate sarcastic duo

15. Still believes MacCready is an idiot

16. Sole has found X6 staying out late drinking with Cait and Gage, much to their surprise that he can hold his drink

17. Reluctantly is the big spoon, but secretly is into it

18. Sole has to remind him that when they hug, not to use a death grip on them

19. Midnight feasts consisting of 86% snacky cakes

20. Actually a really good kisser

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kittycat-plisetsky · 7 years ago

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Mental Disorder Analysis of Killing Stalking

I did a bit of a project (for school) here where I analyze the actions in Killing Stalking from the perspective that Yoon Bum and Oh Sangwoo are mentally ill individuals. I attempt here to explain and defend the characters, as well as try to educate the fandom to alleviate hate rooted from ignorance. I’ll share a preview tand then add the rest under a read more bar; I went a tad overboard.

So maybe you’re a fan of Killing Stalking. Maybe you’re an anti. Maybe you’re a closet fan who’s ashamed to admit having a liking for the manga. For me, upon my first interaction with the fandom, I’ll admit it, I was nearly repulsed, but I’ve come a long way since that time and become an active member in the fandom, and even cosplay! After some consideration, I’ve realized the themes presented here aren’t much different from any crime-themed tv show, like Criminal Minds or something similar. Then I began to question myself and why I was even an anti to start off with, and the answer to that boiled down to ignorance. Upon a first glance, it isn’t hard not to view this simply as a toxic relationship that gets its readers off on some BL sadomasochism about a killer and, who I assumed at the time to be a kidnapped boy, who gets tortured. That’s simply not what this manga is, and it’s belittling to pass it off as much. If you know of killing stalking, you can bypass the next paragraph, but through my little ramblings here I’m hoping to defend this manga for what it is and to explain to you all (whether you’re a fan or an anti) some realistic reasonings for the actions/reactions of these characters centered around some potential mental illnesses here at play. The creator and these boys need some defending in this fandom, and so do us fans (who some of you, like me, I’m sure have been told we’re gross, need to kill ourselves, etc. We deserve more credit 😉 )

Killing Stalking is a psychological thriller manga with one protagonist being a stalker, and the other a killer, as the name suggests. Our first protagonist, Yoonbum, is a man in his late twenties who stalks his crush Oh Sangwoo, who he met in the military and later during his time in college. Yoonbm excessively follows his crush on social media and spends months trying to unlock Sangwoo’s house passcode. Upon entering the code correctly, Bum enters the home, where he discovers a naked woman bound and gagged, struggling to free herself. Panicked, Bum tries to help, but is then found by Sangwoo, and confesses his love before being pushed down the stairs, knocked unconscious, and later wakes with broken legs. Rather than ending Bum’s life, Sangwoo spares his life, keeping him in the basement for some time before allowing him upstairs, and eventually out of the house, though he’s kept close. As the story progresses, the two characters, in my way of seeing, develop a sort of symbiotic relationship with each other. Bum feeding off of his theorized love with Sangwoo, and Sangwoo feeding off the power he has over Bum. Thinking about it; these two need each other.

Now the above mentioned point, the theory of their symbiotic relationship, is often the basis for the fans to send their ships sailing, thinking, “clearly their in love”. Sure, why not, Sangwoo spares Bum’s life but murders others, treats his wounds, kisses him, and Bum still pines for Sangwoo and tries to please him, not to mention their physical moments together, but a story this deep deserves a deeper insight. Plus, the author herself said she hasn’t intended their relationship to be viewed as romantic. So instead, through my rather messy thoughts, maybe I can guide you into your start of deeper thinking based on real life mental disorders that should be considered here. This explanation should help you realize why Sangwoo and Bum’s relationship isn’t simple enough to be viewed as “traditionally romantic” but also I really wish to address fan’s individual outlooks on these characters and defend their characters for what they’re written as: mentally ill (I’m not knocking shippers here; ship what you want. I myself ship their theoretical existence, though I understand in canon it can’t be viewed that simply).

To begin, the words Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) appear in the first season of the manga, already giving insight to one of the disorders that Bum possess. Though I plan to cover a few disorders in this post, for the sake of my analysis I’ll be showing evidence for BPD as well as psychosis at the same time, as psychosis is a symptom versus an illness. Many people with BPD have the symptom of psychosis (psychforums.com), and in the case of Yoon Bum, I believe this to be true. For starters, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, BPD is defined as “a mental illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior” with symptoms such as impulsive behaviors, self-harming behaviors, problems controlling anger, feelings of dissociation, and a distorted/unstable image of oneself (NIMH). Psychosis then is a delusional disorder, characterized as disruptions to a person’s thoughts and perceptions that make it difficult for them to recognize what is real and what isn’t. Found from a discussion online, it isn’t common for stalkers to suffer from psychosis (aminoapps.com). Though right off the bat you may recognize Bum as possessing qualities from both of these, I’d like t point out too that for those who have BPD, it isn’t uncommon for them to have a favorite person (FP), which in Bum’s case would be Sangwoo.

Looking at BPD from the standpoint of someone who suffers with the disorder, one person reports having issues with obsessing over people, “almost to the point of stalking them” (medhelp.org), and in relation to how someone with the disorder views an FP, their FP is their everything. To quote someone that this applies to, having an FP is “dangerous. It’s needing someone so bad it’s physically painful when they leave. It’s apologizing for every tiny thing because you don’t want to give them a reason to leave you (TheMighty.com), or “[that FP] is sometimes all I can think about. Male or female. I think about them 24/7 romantically or like a friend, but that person just becomes so perfect and put on a pedestal” (medhelp.org). The above quotes can all sympathize with Bum, especially if we’re choosing to look at Sangwoo as his FP. From chapter one, we’re shown that Bum obsessives over Sangwoo; stalks his social media, watches him on the train, and even fantasizes about him sexually, wondering “how he would have sex”. Through internal monologue we see how Bum views him; perfect, while noting “his empathetic, considerate, gentle aura”. Even after being hit by Sangwoo, he recalls his perfect image of his crush, noting, “The Sangwoo I know is a much more considerate person.”

Because those with Borderline Personality Disorder have troubles or inabilities regulating their emotions, Bum has a hard time maintaining his image of Sangwoo and is often caught having many back and forth emotions. He’s caught up on his love one moment, and during the next, he’s trying to convince himself that he hates him. Of course, things get harder on Bum when we realize that Sangwoo too is emotionally unstable, but we’ll talk about him later on.

For those with BPD, “relationships build quickly and intensely. They are unable to see the faults of their partner” (borderline-personality-disorder.com). This isn’t surprising; Bum’s always had troubles seeing the faults in his crush. Even upon discovering Sangwoo was a murderer, he apologizes, realizing he’s upset him, and takes blame for the situation. He resorts back to his idealized image of Sangwoo after remembering the reasons that he fell in love with him, claiming to love him despite the current situation he’s in. Not only that but he even confessed repeatedly to liking Sangwoo as he’s being assaulted, calling out, “I like you” over and over even as Sangwoo shouts at him to shut up. He’s unable, in many situations to see the faults that Sangwoo has (even though Sangwoo’s faults are pretty extreme). Recall too Bum questioning the police, asking “could you kiss somebody like me? Could you love somebody like me?”, etc. To him, he doesn’t view himself to be likable by anyone but Sangwoo, as he truly believes that Sangwoo has feelings for him.

If, as I suspect, Bum also suffers from psychosis, his inability to regulate his feelings for Sangwoo could be amplified. This could explain why he can’t quite rationalize what is real about their relationship and what isn’t (or any of his relationships, for that matter). Below, remember when he was under the impression that him and his female classmate were dating when she removed her shirt in front of him? And then he believed that all along he and Sangwoo were dating when Sangwoo said such a thing to the police.

Psychosis in Bum’s case not only prevents him from knowing what reality is in terms of his relationships with others, but it also alters his perception of the reality surrounding him. Psychosis can cause hallucinations and delusions. Hallucinations aren’t new to him, just recall the hallucination of dead bodies in Sangwoo’s washing machine, the hallucination that made him see Sangwoo murdering him on the kitchen floor, and he even hallucinated that the Jieun was the girl from his past during his fist semi-forced murder.

Since psychosis is a delusional disorder, it’s also known that those who suffer from it may believe that events or objects hold personal meaning or significance. Going back into Bum’s past again with his female friend, remember that he held personal meaning to objects that he otherwise should feel no connection to, objects that simply belonged to her. He’s stolen not only her bra, but her nail polish, and because he had such a connection with these items, used them to calm himself down when he would go into mood shifts.

He’s mentally ill, and because of these disorders that alter his reality, he lives unaware of his problems. So, no, he isn’t stupid. To him, he’s doesn’t think his thought processes are out of place. In the first chapter, he claims that it’s complexly normal to stalk his crush and to want to know everything of his personal life. In regards to his obsessive behaviors and his kleptomaniac actions, he’s convinced it’s “because of love” over and over.

Though Borderline is the confirmed disorder at play here (and we can find many more examples to agree with it) it’s not a bad idea to toy around with some other possibilities. Other disorders are very likely in the cases of these characters and can help you reason with their actions. Take Stockholm syndrome for example. Stockholm syndrome is a condition that causes hostages to develop a psychological alliance with their captors as a survival strategy during captivity…Victims of the formal definition of Stockholm syndrome develop "positive feelings toward their captors and sympathy for their causes and goals, and negative feelings toward the police or authorities" (Wikipedia).

I’m sure you all remember this scene here, where the police officer tries to come to the rescue, yet Bum crawls away and keeps himself hidden. Or even the part where he chooses being back with Sangwoo over admitting to the police that he is need of some help. However in the case of Stockholm syndrome the positive feelings are rooted to the idea of survival, “captives often fear that their affection will be perceived as fake, they eventually begin to believe that their positive sentiments are genuine” (Wikipedia). Though I believe BPD is a bit more of Bum’s situation versus Stockholm syndrome, I think it’s worth a mention whilst defending Bum, anyways.

Though I haven’t really heard this one talked about prior to my mental disorder research for this analysis, I think Obsessive love disorder is worth a mention. Obsessive love disorder (OLD) is an extreme form of love that transcends into an obsession over time. It is characterized by an unhealthy attachment towards someone and can be triggered off by many factors such as anxiety, insecurity, and vulnerability (Buzzle.com). OLD is very similar to Borderline Personality Disorder, attachment disorders, and even erotomania, and so this could easily apply to many of my examples in the BPD paragraphs above. However, “depending on the intensity of their attraction, obsessive lovers may feel entirely unable to restrain themselves from extreme behaviors such as acts of violence toward themselves or others” (Wikipedia). Though we see that Bum has had self-harming instances in the past due to his living situation, we see the return of self-harm when Sangwoo was unpleased with these stories of his past. Bum spirals, feeling worried about the reaction and he quickly tries to make Sangwoo feel better, yelling at him to take it out on him physically. Sangwoo remains unresponsive, and Bum resorts to self-harm using a knife on the countertop, while shouting and sobbing that he knows he is disgusting.

Though my main focus here seems to be on Yoon Bum, it’s definitely no surprise that Sangwoo would fall into some mental disorders of his own. I’ve read fan discussions claiming that he too suffers from BPD, but I think too that he has psychosis, and sadistic personality disorder. Yes, that last one is a thing. “Sadistic personality disorder (SPD) can be defined as a type of personality disorder in which an affected individual inflicts sadistic, cruel, manipulative, aggressive and demeaning behavior on others. Violence and abusiveness are the hallmarks of the social relationships of a sadist. Such people lack empathy and concern for other individuals and derive pleasure by hurting or humiliating others” (hxbenefit.com). This shouldn’t need much textual evidence, as this is practically a description of the character as a whole. Backing up to psychosis, which remember is a delusional symptom, it wasn’t uncommon for Sangwoo to hallucinate or become delusional when panicked. For example, remember when he carried Bum’s fainted body to his bed to tuck him in?

He becomes delusional, hallucinating that his mother is outside of the door, telling him to clean up his messes downstairs. His hallucination of his mother becomes angry and she rattles the door handle viciously, screaming at him. Then, he even hallucinates that Bum (who in reality is passed out beside him) raises his head to remind Sngwoo that he’s becoming his father.

So now to reiterate my point; these characters are not dumb. They are not “asking for it”. Bum is not a “creepy, gross attention whore”, but he has trouble regulating his emotions and has a hard time grasping a distinction on his reality. One of the largest reasons for hate in this fandom is ignorance to the reality and depth that this story possesses. Especially to younger fans, who simply were seeking some twisted BL, it is important to consider this story in terms of our mentally ill paired protagonists as honestly being mentally ill. Because this story is talked up as “horror yaoi”, many people aren’t aware or don’t consider the seriousness that this story aims to share. This is why there is a “you’re gross”, “go kill yourself” stigma on readers of Killing Stalking. Instead, us readers should be viewed as readers of a psychological thriller who analyze and respect the depth here for what its intended to be. The romanticizing and narrow-minded interpretation of this storyline is what causes so much hate and controversy. I’d love to see more serious consideration and in-depth analyzation going on in the fandom to remove the stigma that us fans are nasty, twisted, or gross.

I hope this was easy enough to follow and that you’ll give this story another read-through with these points in mind, and even change your outlook with the soon release of season 3. Let’s work to defend the author, these boys, the storyline and us fans with some knowledge! Also, again, disclaimer that I’m no professional nor am I “attacking” anyone with these disorders. Remember too though that psychosis is one of my most prominent beliefs here (so even if you suffer from BPD for example, without psychosis some of this may not sound accurate in terms of your own self).

#ks #killing stalking #killing stalking meta #killing stalking analysis #koogi #yoonbum #sangwoo

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elfnerdherder · 6 years ago

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Ill Intentions: Chapter 22

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A special thanks to my patrons: @sylarana @evertonem @jenacar @frostylicker @starlit-catastrophe @kenobi-is-king Mendacious Bean, Duhaunt6, Superlurk, and Cecily!

I don't have my computer with me, so this sadly won't have the cover art done by kenobi-is-king! Thank you all for your support in my writing, and I can't wait to pick up The Unquiet Grave after this!!

Also, due to this being posted on a Tumblr app on a chromebook whose internet won't load due to bad connection, it won't allow me to add the entire chapter. It ends about partway through, but until I'm back on the west coast I won't be able to load the rest of the chapter onto Tumblr! Sorry for the inconvenience!

Chapter 22: End Scene

When Tattler News released the ‘Special Edition’ of ‘Will Intentions’, Nicole pinned her copy to a corkboard much like Will’s. She’d already snuck into his apartment, taken photos, and recreated something of his workspace within her own office, to better step into the shoes of what his fans were calling ‘a vigilante move’.

To partner with the Tattler News release, she’d also released a special post on her blog with a ‘tell all’ interview courtesy of Freddie Lounds, coworker and ‘close friend’ of Graham. She’d already received four more subscriptions, as well as twenty new messages in her inbox, thanking her for her hard work.

I saved an image of the handkerchief! someone had commented. I’ll try to find one like it at the store. Maybe I’ll cosplay it.

Lounds had asked to see the handkerchief Nicole had mentioned, but it was never revealed in person. The look on Lounds’ face when she was told ‘no’ made Nicole more than grateful she’d put a lock on her jewelry box before the reporter had shown up.

As for her end of the bargain, she’d passed his manuscript along to her agent. Anything more, and she’d have her own story about uneasy trips to the FBI to tell her readers.

Abigail didn’t speak to Will until they were somewhere in Vancouver, BC. She spent most of the trip with her earphones in her ears and her head towards the window. Given the time, Will didn’t press her. It seemed she’d been playing a game with him for almost as long as he’d been playing a game with Hannibal.

And yet, no; what game do you think you’re all playing?

The border situation had been tricky, but the homeless man –Mike, Will kept having to remind himself –was more than true to his word at getting them across. Once across, it was the sort of drive done by someone who had a very important place to go with little time to get there. They stopped for gas and nothing else. The next couple of days was nothing but yoo-hoo’s and donuts, Will’s dreams bleeding into the waking hours of watching hill after hill of white pass by. Blankets of it draped along the interstate, but the plows had done their job. If their car appeared suspicious, no one stopped them. The more they kept to normal hours of traffic where it was difficult for cops to keep an eye out, the better. Hannibal remained in the backseat and only got out when absolutely necessary.

“I’m not sorry for not telling you,” Abigail said by way of greeting. Will stood beside the passenger door, a cup of shitty gas station coffee in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. His watch had died somewhere just before the border. Since ditching his phone, he hadn’t felt the need to dig through his bag in order to charge the thing, seeing as how one without the other was somewhat of a moot point.

He glanced to the black, blank screen, and he wondered why he was even still wearing it. He hadn’t thought about his steps since Hannibal’s office. Streak broken. He wasn’t sure if that meant something, and if it did mean something, he wasn’t ready to unbox it yet, much the same way he wasn’t quite ready to unbox that there was another person inside of his head that killed people so that he didn’t have to.

“I didn’t tell you a lot of things,” he replied.

“You didn’t call, either,” she said, and it took him probably longer than it should have for Will to realize she sounded almost hurt by it. He wasn’t quite focused; maybe the watch having a blank face was more of a problem to him than he thought.

“If I’d known Hannibal had gotten to you first, I would have been…more forthcoming,” he admitted. When she didn’t speak, he took a drag from his cigarette and continued, “hell, when he was breaking into my apartment, you could have just let him in. I asked Beverly to house you because I didn’t want to make you a target of yet another serial killer.”

“I didn’t actually get fired from Subway. I quit.”

Will hummed in agreement. “Figured that an hour into the drive.”

“I followed Beverly following you sometimes, too.”

“We could have all carpooled if you two communicated better.”

“You first,” Abigail shot back.

That was fair. Will’s cheeks ballooned, and he blew air out slowly, counting back from ten.

“Abigail,” he said, and the look she gave him made this so much harder. “You’re…not guilty of anything, really.”

“Says the guy that called me ‘the knowing bait,’” she retorted.

“No, I mean it…” he sighed and looked around the decrepit gas station pointedly. “I’m abetting a murderer.” Silence. He scowled and continued, “right now, you could walk away and not face any legal persecution should you go back to the states, whereas I would go to jail. That guy in there –”

“The one you stabbed –”

“I don’t remember stabbing –look, him too. The three of us would go to jail, but you wouldn’t.”

His cigarette had burned too low; he let out a hiss when it singed his fingers, and he stubbed it out on the tire before tossing the butt of it in the trashcan by the pump. Too late, he saw the warning on the pump that said not to smoke while gassing up. Will glanced about, but there was no one to scold him on the dangers of such endeavors. There was only him and Abigail at the moment, and he’d have almost welcomed Hannibal coming to interrupt them. He could imagine how a psychiatrist would be a much better option for giving advice than he would.

Abigail looked out past the cars parked just at the treeline, the expanse beyond it. Her expression was difficult to read, a mix of something pained and something hopeful.

“I don’t have anything else,” she said, and when she looked back to him, she smiled. In that moment, he’d have called it genuine. “I told you before, I’m looking for closure. Since that’s all that seems to matter to me at this point, I’ll stick around until I find it.”

Will sucked air in sharply, frowning. “The consequences –”

“I know how to juggle consequences. I can weigh the risk of pros and cons.”

Given how long she lived under the roof of the Minnesota Shrike, he believed her. When it was time to go, they climbed back into a beat-up Tahoe they’d swapped somewhere in the middle of nowhere, and she made a point to lay her head in Will’s lap, much like she had back at the apartment.

Much later, Will would find a polaroid of the scene tucked into his jacket pocket, the colors washed out and faded but still good. He tucked it into his shirt pocket, to preserve the color.

“I’m just outside of Tattler News, Jerry, and here we’ve got not only fans of the paper demanding answers, we’ve got some of Will Graham’s ‘avid fans’ here with signs! Just this past evening, as we know, Will Graham’s apartment was invaded by the FBI, boxes upon boxes removed from the scene as they attempt to glean over anything they can in order to find both him, as well as the Chesapeake Ripper. So far, there is no information revealed as to whether or not they have any solid leads to their whereabouts.”

“Now, I know we’re dealing with the Chesapeake Ripper, Chet, but I think what’s interesting are the avid fans of Graham’s you’ve got gathered around you!”

“Yes, these people aren’t here for news on the Ripper, they’re actually here for Will Graham. You can hear some of them in the back, chanting –you can hear it, can’t you?”

“Yes, of course!”

“They’re upset that the suspect in the disappearance of Hannibal Lecter –”

[Continue on Ao3]

#hannibal #lias scribbles #hannibal fanfic #writing #hannigram #slowburn hannigram #dark!will #grey!will #journalist!will #hannibal x will graham #abigail hobbs

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novantinuum · 6 years ago

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Jen’s mega list of plans:

Written and posted here purely to keep me accountable, and also bc it’s easier to archive posts than find anything in my thousands of documents on my phone. These are all fan projects, basically.

Gravity Falls

-Draw kiki-kit’s precious flame Mabel, (from the graphic novel), and perhaps a flame Pines Family to go with it. Love her design. It seriously just... is precious <3

-Draw graphic novel like “covers” for @the-ill-doctor and I’s RPs to commemorate our 1 yr anniversary of starting the first RP

-While speaking of RP, push past editing road blocks on The Time We Lost, the Time We Mended so we can finally post TateGate™ (pardon the unintelligible inside joke)

-I genuinely want to continue working on the AU comic I’d churned out a few pages for, and test my ability there more. The graphic novel has inspired me.

-I really want to make a print of that nice piece with three eras of Stan and all the Stan related objects floating over them for myself and hang it on my wall. Simple task, but I know I’ll forget so here I am posting a note to myself. JEN YOU KNUCKLEHEAD, get it done :O

-Just, generally? I want to get more comfortable sketching quick and fast. In traditional. I want to fill up a sketchbook with dynamic poses and expressions and random bullshit and get comfortable getting messy with my art.

-AMVs. Once my brother helps me rip the boxset, I have a special commission to make for @eregyrn-falls , and then after that I had a great, emotional idea for the song Unity by Shinedown.

Trollhunters

-I had a fic I started that I REALLY want to get back into, Death and All That Follows. I just have so many crazy projects rumbling through my head that this is easier said than done XD

-There’s a bunch of dynamic Jim and Toby pieces I have half finished that I’ll prob come back to one day if I’m bored...

-My cosplay prop amulet. Need to get glue and get it all together, plus resin/glow in the dark stuff for the crystal, and maybe paint for some touch up pizzaz.

-Not to mention, if I’m going to cosplay Jim? I need to actually order shoes, a wig, and the jacket. I have a stretch goal for colored contact lenses, but eh if I don’t get there that’s fine.

-I can never draw enough troll Jim, to be perfectly honest.

-I promised @inktheblot that I’d draw Toby in the trollhunter armor at some point and I still aim to do that. I actually kinda have an AU for it too?? So I could prob just make a bunch of sketches for that...

-I also promised myself once that I’d make big two or three inch amulet pins. Mostly one just for myself. But if I had the money to do a small bulk batch, excellent.

-Also mostly just for myself, unless I threw it on like... redbubble or something, I wanted to make a custom Trollhunters shirt with the amulet and some crystals and a quote and shit. Because I’m salty that the only Trollhunters shirts that officially exist are for small children.

AU crossover nonsense

-Write more of A Tale of Two Trollhunters. Probably a given, but I’m behind where I wanted to be. Also, I have a bunch of half sketched out future scene ideas I want to post as one shot snippets bc we all know I’ll never actually get there going chronologically ;D;

-Design troll forms for my changeling Dipper and Mabel

-While we’re at it, make designs for Alex and Gina Pines, my OC Dip and Mab parents who feature in the future stuff for this story.

Other

-Just, in general... develop my OCs more. Make MORE OCs. Challenge myself to just MAKE characters.

-Speaking of that, I kiiiinda wanna make a GF dating sim persona I kiiiinda really do, is it too late for that? XD

So. Anyways. As you might tell from all this insanity, I have a whole hell of a lot I would. Conceptually like to do? I really really love making fandom content y’all, it’s what keeps me going honestly. It’s my one creative outlet in between the stress of trying to pursue a degree in biochemistry, of all the hellishly complicated things I could’ve decided to find fascinating. And there’s genuinely some points where I’m like? What the hell Jen. What the fresh hell, why on earth do you have to give yourself so many project ideas to tackle? Why did you decide to draw AND write AND edit, why can’t you just pick ONE? And I’ve no idea dudes not a s i n g l e fuck. My attention bounces so fast from one idea to the next that sometimes I genuinely marvel how on earth I’ve gotten anything done in the past two years, but eh no matter. Anyways, now I’m just rambling so?

Future Jen. Step your game the fuck up my man. Get some cool fan content done! Stop disappointing your far-too-cool mutuals and followers with a lack of fan content and make something you can be proud of! Be cool, dude.

Be cool.

#dont take this too seriously it’s just me making notes to myself #jen rambles

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emypony · 7 years ago

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ARES HEADCANONS WITH THE BOYS, AFTER THE BREAK

Some ARES (more like ot2/ot3/ot4 headcanons with Haizaki, Asuto, Nosaka and Nishikage) headcanons for @ozrockbitway (if i remember right dfljkghfdg it’s been long ago since we talked about it, I think??) and @producktions @someatsu @blueberry-pastel @suzunofuusuke @kirinoisbestboy @sinfonylanglader @therealruney @calmystorm-saltycandy (hope u dont mind the tag ^^’’) @shawn-and-aiden-frost-9 i guess if u wanted to read as well @mimirk63 ITS NOT YUUICHI but ya kno ;w;’’

i literally dont even know who else would care about these (mostly joke) headcanons so iM SOWWY if i like, dont tag some ppl ;;

also im sorry that these are like all over the place tho jfldghkfk

ANYWAY with that out of the way

1. so I was discussing about Nishikage baking and. i got it. Nishikage works @ Tasty part time. He makes ambitious creations. Nosaka enjoys watching the behind the scenes. (Asuto will eat anything he makes)

2. Asuto starts hanging around Nosaka and Nishikage thought this would be bad and that Yuuma would stop hanging out with him but is thankfully proven wrong as Asuto pretty much always invites both of them to hang out with him. Nishikage starts to 'adopt' Asuto as Nosaka's friend and feels the need to PROTECC him as well. they also become great friends and this eases Nishikage because Nosaka finally has someone to spend time with that can somewhat get him out of his shell. Related to #1, Asuto will bother Nishikage and ask him if he's cooked something new yet. Nishi is afraid to cook more things at first but is prompted by Asuto because THAT BOY will literally eat anything, bad or good.

3. Nosaka actually likes dry jokes but no one knows since nobody really likes dry jokes and doesn't make them. Asuto ends up with a book EXACTLY about dry jokes and he finds them interesting and funny but not as much as Nosaka, so when he uses one of those jokes it makes Yuuma laugh and it takes everyone by surprise (especially Nishikage)

4. Nosaka snorts when he laughs.

5. I see Asuto and Nosaka becoming friends before Asuto and Haizaki (even if they're acquaintances) Haizaki comes on later along.

6. Asuto is claustrophobic and that's how the ot3 friendship starts. He, Haizaki and Nosaka somehow end up stranded in somewhat of a locker and he starts freaking out. Despite the issues between Nosaka and Haizaki they don't like seeing the cheerful Asuto being scared like that. Asuto asks them to hold his hand and they reluctantly did that even if they didn't like being next to each other. After that incident Asuto was a bit more open around them and uses his 'persuasive' powers to get them to hang out with him.

7. Haizaki is the tallest, followed by Asuto and then Nosaka. Nosaka is a bit conscious about his height and even if Haizaki makes fun of him, Asuto reassures him and tells him its okay.

8. Nosaka would be really bad at portraying his feelings even if it's something simple or complicated so he makes really weird comparisons and nobody understands except Nishikage even if sometimes even he's wondering what's going on in his mind.

9. I originally planned Nosaka to be a Vegan but I don't wanna do that he's just been taught to always eat healthy because there was no other alternative. he sometimes sees Asuto stuffing his face with unhealthy (fast food/other) stuff and it confuses him because he's still like perfect and fit and he doesn't get it. With time Asuto makes him try things he wouldn't normally eat by himself and even if he doesn't eat that regularly, he'll sometimes accept Asuto's invitation to get things he hasn't tried before. He's really big on trying foreign food but maybe once every few months.

This is a lot of Nosaka fdkjghd im sorry i love him a lot AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW IT

10. One day Asuto's friends find him, Nosaka and Haizaki playing cards in his room (i think they'd keep the friendship hidden for a while don't ask me why). Norika would take a liking to Nosaka but not romantic. She ends up doing his nails or make up as a thing. He looks dashing with black polish. Haizaki has none of that and even if Nosaka is really :| and stoic he'll pretty much go with anything.

11. this was like, a multiple headcanon thingy with @suzunofuusuke and @producktions alike

Nosaka is a heavy sleeper and Nishikage is the opposite. #Nosaka and Nishikage share a bed, fight me. Due to his past Nosaka has nightmares and moves a lot in his sleep so frequently he'll fall from the bed which'll make Nishi wake up and freak tf out because dfljkgf where's Yuuma?? and hes just sleeping on the floor

12. Nishi and Nosaka sometimes both stare at Asuto and how pure he is dfljghfdg like "damn Asuto's a nice friend"

i'll uh, try some Haizaki too since I've basically neglected him holy shit

13. Things get better with Akane and after Asuto basically has him talk things out with Nosaka, he becomes a lot less stressed and angry and finally starts to open up to Asuto, at least. He's a bit awkward at interacting outside the soccer field so it takes a bit of time to be comfortable around both of them, but Asuto always made it easy. He's still a bit intimidated by Nishikage though, even if he has no ill intentions towards Haizaki and they've even successfully hang out together alongisde the other two a few times. They share a love for spicy food.

14. HAIZAKI NEEDS GLASSES and he doesnt like wearing them but he's really cute in them. Asuto would always tell him that he looks cute in them and he wouldn't like it. Men aren't cute. Haizaki isn't cute!! >;C Nosaka would just quietly tell him that they look good on him nonetheless and he'd blush and say 'thanks' and thats their interaction okay #stolen from @someatsu

15. Haizaki has his ears pierced but nobody knows cuz of his long hair and that it's not allowed @ school. He likes to try out diff earrings in his spare time. Asuto catches him one day and never lets him hear the end of it but when they sometimes go walking around shop districts he'd loudly proclaim "Those would look real good on you, Haizaki!" when he'd see any cute earrings and such. poor Hai chan will try to hide from view at that. Nosaka chuckles. also stolen from @soatsuko w permission dw

16. starring guest hiro again with headcanons he shoved into my arms: Haizaki doesn't use social media because he doesn't see the point of it. Had Twitter once but got bored. likes baggy hoodies. probably has a collection of berets (this one's on @araiguma-koon)

17. @arbegagordon gave me an idea so Haizaki and Akane used to play Toontown so now that Akane isn't playing anymore, Haizaki still logs in but gets sad. Through some kind of unconventional means Asuto starts playing Toontown with him because he wants to make him happy and even if Hai chan won't admit it he's pretty happy that Asuto does this for him Nishihkage plays cooking mama Nosaka tries a lot of games but he gets bored fast because he thinks he's not good at them. He REALLY likes the pet games though. EDIT: I FORGOT. NOSAKA PLAYS ALICIA ONLINE AND NONE OF Y’ALL CAN TELL ME OTHERWISE. he likes collecting pets and clothes. he would defs cosplay his AO character omg

18. this was a collaboration of my ideas and @producktions and her analysis post basically she said that no one usually cheers for Nosaka SOOOOOOO, after Asuto finds that out he goes to all his matches and screams like fucking crazy for him and even if Nosaka won't show it he'll smile sometimes to himself because Asuto does this for him and expects nothing in return and just wants to see him smile and it’s OOF so pure

19. Asuto has both Nosaka and Haizaki merch. (you know, for support! Asuto is big on making his friends feel loved) They're both embarrassed by it and whatever they say they can't make him NOT wear it in public, as he's hanging out with THEM.

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