#maybe ill just swear off social media and only talk to whomever i got on discord

[revindicatedbyhistory]

gonna be honest if tumblr goes down ill probably end up moving to. instagram

[singminibang]

Blind Date

Author: Bitsy83 (tumblr: @bitsy83)

Artist: stevetwisp (tumblr: @stevetwisp)

Summary: Ash has been set up on a blind date that is quickly going wrong. Can the night be salvaged by the unexpected help of a good friend?

There were a lot of things Ash had put up with over the years.  She’d put up with rude subway passengers complaining about her quills.  She had dealt with hecklers at her shows.  And Lance had supplied her with more than enough headaches that she could care to remember.  She even had been promised the chance of winning 100,000 dollars only to find out it was a scam, followed by a near death experience with almost drowning inside of the Moon theater.  

All of that was nothing compared to what she was going through tonight.

Ever since Mr. Moon announced to the audience that she had been dumped by her boyfriend, her Aunt Ruth - a loving, but rather nosy porcupine who lived in the suburbs - made it her sole mission to get her niece back into the dating game by finding her a proper boyfriend.  Ruth was part of a large knitting group that met every week.  During one meeting, she had shared with her fellow knitters that her poor niece was nursing a broken heart and needed to find a knight in shinning armor to help her recover from her recent bout with depression.  Ruth’s friends were more than happy to ask their many nephews, neighbors, and whomever they felt eligible to court the lovely porcupine…despite Ash’s numerous attempts to tell them it wasn’t necessary and she’d rather not get back into the dating game at this point.

Ash knew from the start this date was going to be a disaster.  First off, the mother of Ash’s “date” had already gone ahead and made the reservations for a Tex-Mex restaurant and she hated Tex-Mex.  She loved spicy food, but for some reason anything south of the border (or close to it) always left her feeling nauseated and would haunt her for the remainder of the evening. Second, her date’s name was Stewart and was not the most charming porcupine on the planet. In fact, she swore he was some sort of beaver with really strong hair gel.  He dressed a bit like a stereotypical hipster, complete with black-rimmed glasses, flannel shirt covering a tee that had a T-rex playing guitar, and a stocking cap that fit surprisingly well over his quilled head.  This was due to the fact that he suffered from chronic quill loss and every now and then, a few would quills would pop out and fall to the floor.  But the absolute worse thing about this date is that Stewart hated anything mainstream, confirming Ash’s suspicious of his hipster appearance.  Ash appreciated indie rock and even went to some underground bands while she was dating Lance, but she still liked current bands and singers.  While trying to break the ice with Stewart, she had let it slip that Fur-Out Boy was one of her favorite bands, which sent him on a rant for ten minutes of how they became the biggest sellouts in all music history.

She was ready to bail before they had even ordered their food.  

Ash just gripped her menu, pretending to look at the entrees when really she was trying to figure out what to do to get out of this.  She was hating every second and knew it was only going to get worse the longer she stayed there.  She tried to be friendly with Stewart for her aunt’s sake, but he was making it impossible.  She silently scolded herself for not telling Meena or Rosita she had a date that night and to plan an emergency text or phone call to give her an excuse to leave.  She thought of faking an illness, but she had a feeling that Stewart would see right though that.  Still, looking at the entrees the menu had to offer, she probably didn’t have to do much faking.  

“Ash?  Ash!”

“What?”  She quickly put down the menu to see that Stewart had been addressing her.  

“I asked if you found anything good,” he said, pulling a few stray quill from under his cap and letting them drop on the floor.  

“Oh, um, I was thinking of going light tonight.  You know, just a salad or something.”

Stewart scoffed and rolled his eyes.  “Typical girl.  Always worried about your figure; too afraid to try anything bold or exciting.”

“What’s wrong with salads?”

“I’m just saying you girls are always freaking out if you eat a sugar cube or something and think you’ll explode into some blimp.  Hate to break this to you, but if you thinking eating ‘low fat’ foods is saving you calories, they stuff those things with sugar to make up for the fat loss, so you’ve probably already been suckered.”

Ironically, Ash already knew about the controversy with “low-fat” foods and was well aware of this.  “I don’t actually…” she started to say, but Stewart wasn’t done.  

“Who cares what diet snobs and conglomerate organizations think of your food choices?” he continued, closing his menu.  “Just eat what you want.”

“Ok…I want to eat a salad.”  

Stewart looked at Ash as if she had grown an extra head.  “Did you hear what I just said?”

“Really wish I didn’t,” Ash muttered, putting her face behind the menu again.

Stewart then reached over and lowered the menu.  “Hey, maybe you should let me order for you, huh?  You seem a bit confused on what you want.”  

“I already told you want I wanted,” she said, trying to hide her annoyance.  

“Like I said: confused.  But, hey, you want a salad, go ahead and get a salad.  You probably don’t want to to be too bloated for later anyway.”

Ash looked up, cocking an eyebrow.  “What’s going on later?  You wanted to go see a movie or something?”  Ash almost hoped that’s what he meant.  Seeing a movie would mean they wouldn’t have to talk to each other, unless he liked to nitpick every mistake on the screen.  She could tell this was the type of guy who’d watch a trailer halfway through, then flood the comment section with critiques complete with bad spelling.  

Stewart leaned forward and wiggled his eyebrows.  “I was thinking something more…private.”

Ash leaned back, trying to create as much space between them sitting down.  She really did not like where this was going.  “How private are we talking here?”

“Maybe your place?  I’d suggest mine, but the walls are pretty thin in my parent’s basement and…”

“Ok, stop!”  Ash snapped, throwing up her paws to silence the forward porcupine.  “Dude, are you serious?  We just met!  I barely remember your last name.”

“So?  Why should we let society tell when we can or can’t?  We’re animals, remember?  We gotta do as nature commands.  Besides, I thought you rocker chicks were kinda, ya know, ready and willing?”

Ash felt her face go red.  Not even Lance went this far, this fast on their first date.  She wanted to strangle this weirdo, but there were security cameras around and she was pretty sure there was a cop in the booth next to them.  The last thing she needed was to be tried with murder in the first degree.  Still, what could she do?  If she stormed out, then someone was bound to record it and she’d be on every social media page on the Internet.  Then people would be stretching the truth and Stewart would probably twist the situation around.  And what would her aunt Ruth say?  Obviously, staying there wasn’t an option.  She could try to get out through the fire exit near the bathroom, but what if it was alarmed?  She needed some way to escape before…

“Ash?”

The familiar voice snapped Ash out of her panic attack.  She looked up to see the most beautiful sight she had ever laid eyes on: Johnny.  He was approaching their table, carrying a plastic bag filled with various items she couldn’t identify.  

“Johnny!” she proclaimed, grateful for the distraction.  “What are you doing here?”

“I was gonna ask you the same thing,” he said.  “Why aren’t you at the theater?  Mr. Moon wanted us there at six for warm-ups.”

“Uh, excuse me,” Stewart said, clearly upset at being interrupted.  “Ash, who is this guy?”

Before Ash could answer, Johnny was already extending his hand.  “Oh, sorry mate.  Name’s Johnny; I’m a friend of Ash here.  We both work at the Moon Theater.”

Stewart reluctantly shook Johnny’s hand, which practically covered half his arm, then looked back at Ash.  “Oh, I see.  This is a, uh, ‘buddy’ of yours, Ashy?”  Even without the air quotes, Ash knew what Stewart meant and was about to grab the knife in front of her when she felt Johnny’s hand on her shoulder, calming her instantly.  

“So, yeah, Mr. Moon sent out a group text to everyone this morning about tomorrow’s rehearsal being changed to tonight.  Something about last minute plans or whatever.  Anyway, I was just getting some tucker for later and I just happened to see you from the street.  I figured you probably didn’t get the memo.”

Ash just stared at Johnny.  She knew he was lying since Mr. Moon rarely texted anyone.  He was an old-fashioned phone call kind of marsupial.  Besides, he just recently got a flip phone that made texting close to impossible.

Then Johnny sent a subtle hint by darting his eyes to the door, then back to her.  Catching on, she played along.  

“Oh, right!” Ash said, giving her forehead a light smack.  “I totally blanked on that.  I’m sorry, Stewart, but I’m gonna have to bail - I mean, go.  Come on, Johnny!  Let’s hurry before you get a ticket for being double-parked. Bye!”

“Cheers, mate,” said Johnny, following Ash.  

“W-wait a second!” exclaimed Stewart.  “Who’s gonna pay for dinner?”  

“I’m sure you’ll think of something,” Ash called back.  

Before Stewart could try anything else, Johnny and Ash were already clear out of the restaurant.  Ash wasted no time in searching for Johnny’s truck.  “Where are you parked?” she asked.

“’Round the corner.  This way,” he said, leading her down the street.

Once they found the truck and were both securely inside, they took a minute to breathe, then busted out laughing.  “Oh man, that was close!” said Ash.  

“Yeah,” said Johnny putting the bag on the seat between them.  “So, what was that?  A bad blind date or something?”

“Bad is putting it lightly,” said Ash.  “My aunt set me up with him. She figured I needed help moving on from Lance.  I swear, if you hadn’t come in…hey, why are you here, anyway?”

Johnny blushed slightly and scratched the back of his neck.  “Yeah, well, I was actually just stopping off at the store to get some groceries and I happened to see you from the sidewalk.  From the look on your face, you needed some backup.  Hope I wasn’t intruding.  I mean, I know how independent you are and…”

Ash raised her paws, hushing Johnny.  “No, no!  You were great.  I knew this date was going to bomb from the first second I laid eyes on that loser.  So…yeah, you were awesome.  Thank you.”  Ash reached over and gave Johnny’s arm a gentle squeeze.  She felt his muscles tighten up a bit, possibly due to nerves.  Sensing the awkwardness, she quickly removed her paw.  “Sorry…” she muttered.  

“It’s alright…” he muttered back.  For awhile, they just sat there, trying figure out what to do next.    

“So…” Johnny said, finally breaking the tension.  “You planning anything else tonight?  It’s still pretty early.”

Ash shrugged.  “Go home, I guess.  I think I still got some leftover mac and cheese in the fridge I could heat up.”

“You haven’t eaten yet?”

“Nah.  Apparently, ordering salads is frowned upon from whatever planet that jerk was from.  That, and I can’t stand Tex-Mex so I doubt I would’ve found anything edible.”

“Well…what’re your thoughts on Asian?”

Ash cocked an eyebrow as she looked up at the gorilla.  “I’m rather partial to it.  What did you have in mind?”

“Well, I was heading for this place that has really good Dim-Sum.  If you want, we could get a table and just…you know, hang.  Would…you like to get some Dim-Sum?”

It was obvious Johnny was trying to make a little rhyme joke.  Normally, Ash would roll her eyes at what she would consider a “dad joke,” but she smiled.  This was Johnny; he was too adorable to chastise.  

“I’d love some,” she said, trying to continue the pun.

Johnny immediately brightened. “Great!  Then let’s go get some.”

“Johnny…”

“Right. Last one.  Promise.”  

Johnny was not kidding about the restaurant.  It was called The Lotus Garden and was located next to the boardwalk.  It had a lovely interior with paintings of ancient China and even paper lanterns hanging over the tables.  The waitress - a slender grey cat - seemed to recognize Johnny and when he introduced Ash to her, she couldn’t help but giggle with a broad grin on her face.  Clearly, she didn’t know this was just an impromptu dinner with a friend.  Johnny took the liberty of ordering, since Ash had never been there before.  Normally, whenever she got Chinese, it was always lo mein or some kind of wanton soup.  He had ordered a couple of lettuce wraps with a rice-and-vegetable filling, followed by some soup steamed buns.  They were the most delicious thing Ash had ever tasted.  The moist buns were filled with a steamy savory broth that melted in her mouth.  It was flavorful without being overwhelming.  The lettuce wraps gave her a bit of trouble since she wasn’t sure what to do with them.  Thanks to Johnny’s guidance, using lettuce leaves as a makeshift burrito made the meal strangely enjoyable.    

“Got to hand it to you, Johnny,” said Ash as she was finishing the last bun.  “That really hit the spot.”  

Johnny chuckled, using the napkin to wipe the corners of his mouth.  “Figured you’d like it.”  

“Pouchong?”

Ash looked up to see the waitress had returned and was carrying an iron tea pot with two small cups without handles.  

“Oh yes, please,” said Johnny, clearing a space for the platter.  The waitress nodded and set the tea set in front of them, then collected their dishes.  She gave them a small nod and took the plates back to the kitchen.  

“What exactly is this?” Ash asked.  

“Pouchong,” said Johnny, pouring the steaming liquid into the cups.  “It’s a type of oolong tea.  I normally get a cup after dinner; helps with digestion, you know?  Here.”  Johnny delicately picked up the cup and handed it to Ash.  Taking it with both paws, she sniffed it before taking a small sip.  It had a sweet, flowery taste.  Ash was never one for tea since coffee was her drink of choice, but she found herself enjoying it.    

“This is pretty good,” said Ash, taking another sip.  

“They sell it at the front counter, if you want to take some home,” Johnny suggested.

“Yeah, don’t really own any teapots, but thanks.”  It didn’t take long for Ash to finish her first cup and motioned for Johnny to pour her some more.  “I take it you’re a regular here?”

Johnny shrugged while setting the pot down.  “Yeah.  Dad and I found it after we moved here.  We always just ordered from the takeout menu.  He never liked eating in the restaurant because…well, he didn’t want people spotting him.”  And then Johnny’s face fell and went silent.  

Ash knew why.  It was hard for Johnny to bring up his dad.  When she first found out that Marcus “Big Daddy” Greystone was Johnny’s father, she had a hard time making connection.  Sure they were both gorillas who happened to be from England, but she couldn’t imagine a sweet guy like Johnny being the son of a gang leader.  Proof that fruit can fall far from the tree, she suspected.  It wasn’t long before the rest of the theater family found out, but they still loved Johnny and treated him with the same dignity and respect they always had.

“Are…are you ok?”  she asked, reaching over and squeezing his hand.  “I didn’t mean to…”

“No no, it’s fine.  Really,” said Johnny, patting her hand.  “I mean, it’s not like it’s a big secret.  But, yeah, I started actually having dinners here after my dad went to…well, went away.  Beats going back to an empty garage, doesn’t it?”

Ash nodded, knowing all too well.  Going back to an empty apartment that still had memories of Lance wasn’t easy after the breakup.  Still, the apartment had to be a much cozier home than a big empty garage and she always had the option to get a new roommate.  Johnny couldn’t get another father…

“But it’s not so bad,” said Johnny, suddenly perking up a bit.  “I visit him every other day and we’re really starting to work things out.  He’s agreed to finish his sentence, he’s actually getting along well with the other inmates.  He’s even participating in one of those “ “scared straight” programs for teens to stay on the right track.  Trust me, he’s perfect for that.  When my dad talks, you listen.  No exceptions.”

“Any word of when his parole is?”  

Johnny did a rough calculation in his head before answering.  “I think the last I heard was about eight months from now?  So by September, maybe?”  

Ash nodded, then lifted her cup.  “Then, best luck to your dad and here’s hoping for an early parole.”

Johnny smiled and lightly clinked his tea cup with hers.  “Cheers.”

“Well, I had a wonderful time tonight,” said Ash, finishing her tea.  “Thanks again for…you know, everything.”  

“My pleasure.”

It was a strange moment.  They both sat there, staring into each others eyes, all the while Ash trying to make sense of what was happening.  She knew it wasn’t a date.  At least, not an official one.  Then why did she want it to be?  They were just friends.  Weren’t they?  She was about to say something when the waitress returned with a couple of fortune cookies.  Johnny was expecting the receipt when cat just shook her head.  “On top of house,” she said with her heavy Chinese accent.  

“Oh no, please,” said Johnny pulling out wallet.  “I can pay.”

But the cat shook her head.  “On house.  Photo?”

Johnny glanced over at Ash and chuckled nervously.  “I, uh, think she wants to know if we want our picture taken.  You know, to…”

“Commemorate the moment?” Ash asked with a grin.  She then pulled out her phone.  “Sure, why not?  Kinda want a memento, anyway.”      

After setting the phone to camera mode and handing it to the waitress, Ash brought her chair closer to Johnny and they leaned in to pose.  Ash had to stand on the chair to be the same height as Johnny and placed her arm on his shoulder.  After the picture was taken, Ash took the phone back to see the results.  It looked pretty good: Johnny wore a handsome smile and Ash, much to her surprise, looked pretty happy too.  Normally, she had to force her smile since she hated having her picture taken.  Here, it looked natural.  Probably because it was.  

After the cat left, Johnny decided to break open his fortune cookie.  “Let’s see. Today is the day to show someone you care.”

“Well, I guess that one already came true,” said Ash, breaking open her cookie.  “Don’t let past mistakes keep you from making future discoveries.”  Ash thought about that for a moment.  She had made a lot of mistakes, especially in regards to Lance.  Obviously, the breakup gave her the freedom to write her own song and go solo.  But what if it also meant…

“So, you ready to go?”  Johnny was standing next to her, offering his hand.  

She quickly shook away the thought and took his hand.  “Yeah, sure.”  

Once they got out of the restaurant, Johnny and  Ash headed to the train station which was just around the corner.  He offered to drive her home, but since she had a yearly train pass and lived on the other side of town, she was ok with going by her usual route.  As they walked to the station, Ash looked up at the night sky.  The moon was full and stars twinkled like diamonds, signifying a beautiful evening.

They sat together on the bench, awaiting the next train, which would be by in a few minutes.  “This night certainly turned out better  than I expected,” she said, swinging her feet back and forth.  

“Glad to hear that,” said Johnny.  “You know, if you’re aunt decides to play matchmaker again, you can put me down as an emergency contact.  I don’t mind.”

Ash laughed.  “Nah, I think I’m good with just one blind date; I’ll just have to be straight when I tell that to Ruth.”

“Do you…do you want to start dating again?”  

Ash fiddled with her purse strap.  “Honestly, I don’t think my heart’s made a full recovery yet, you know?  I only did this so my aunt would get off my back.  Right now, I’d rather just focus on my music; maybe even start a band.  I already know a bassist and a drummer wouldn’t be too hard to find.”  

Johnny nodded, kicking a small pebble onto the tracks.  “Well, whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you.  I really do.”

“Appreciate that.  You know, if you want, I could come by the garage some time and keep you company.  I’ll bring my guitar and we could jam out or whatever.”  

Johnny’s face instantly lit up.  Apparently, he liked the idea of having any kind of company on days he wasn’t needed at the theater.  “I’d love that, actually.  It’s got plenty of space, so the acoustics would sound amazing.”

“That’s what I’m hoping for.  So, would Wednesday be ok?”

“Sure!  Uh, maybe after one?  I tend to hit the gym in the morning.”

Ash smiled.  “It’s a date.”  

She then stood upon the bench and, once she was eye level with Johnny, put her arms around his neck and hugged him.  His neck was so thick, she could barely make her fingers touch.  She felt him return the hug, making sure to be careful of her quills.  Ash never felt so secure in someone’s arms before.  Lance was always so half-hearted with his hugs, being that he hated public displays of affection.  Even when they were alone, he thought cuddling was stupid.  Then again, Johnny wasn’t Lance, so of course it was better.  Much better.  

She pulled away took to look into his eyes.  They were such a warm, chestnut brown and Johnny was so handsome.  Why hadn’t she noticed it before?  Without stopping to think, she leaned over and kissed his cheek, causing Johnny to let out a small gasp.  His cheeks turned a subtle red before he looked down at his shoes, a small grin spreading on his face.   

 Just then, a loud whistle broke the silence as the train pulled into the station.

Ash once again smiled at Johnny and patted his shoulder.  “Night, Johnny,” she said and hopped off the bench.  

“Y-yeah, night.”  

When she boarded the train, she took one last look at Johnny as he gave her a small wave goodbye.  The image was ruined as the doors closed, blocking him from view.  The train took a sudden lurch and started moving again.  It wasn’t hard finding a place to sit since there were barely any passengers riding the train at that hour.  Once she was comfortable, she thought about what she had gone through tonight.  

There was no doubt that the night started horribly.  She knew it would, even before she met Stewart.  And yet, had it not been for that nightmarish blind date, she’d had never had met up with Johnny.  She would never have discovered how much she loved his company.  

Discovery. She pulled out her phone and called up the photo from the Lotus Garden.  The porcupine and the gorilla in the picture certainly looked happy together. Then she thought about her fortune: Don’t let past mistakes stop you from making future discoveries.  

Ash didn’t want to think too much about the future or look too far in the past.  She was perfectly fine in the present.  As she listened to the hum of the train taking her home, she closed her eyes and sighed happily, inadvertently pressing her phone against her heart.  

[fthisimkmsing]

My notes cause I don't need them anymore (not a hail Mary attempt)

To the girl I've spent countless hours and days with I still love you more than life itself even though I may not need you i want you in my life your cute little smile when you fuck something up or when you can't reach something and you need my help your laugh and smile is euphoric and your character as a whole is amazing i love spending every waking moment with you you have been so helpful and kind to me hell you got me through many tough times and I'm sorry I am so inactive and don't like going out much I'll try to work on that but i just wnant to hold you in my arms forever and keep you close to me and safe you are absolutely drop dead gorgeous you will make a wonderful mother one day to our children or otherwise and I envy whoever you end up choosing if it's not me there's a couple of things i want to do again with you like another concert where it feels like just you and me or another round at the fair itd be wonderful i love you Rebekah so much I hope you know that and I miss you a lot too its 2 am so im gonna go to sleep goodnight  i promise if i have anymore to say ill come back and add on sleep well my beautiful angel <3 funny thing is im typing this to make myself feel better like im talking to you even though you probably won't ever see this i pray that you will find what you need in life you mean so much to me i told my new coworker about you and how gorgeous and smart you are i really wish i could just tell you all of this but you want me to stay away  i really hope we find our happily ever after whether it be together or apart but you will always be so many of my firsts and so many of my fondest memories <3 today I told my new coworker how proud I was of you getting your car and how you bought it yourself i really miss hugging you and cuddling you and seeing your gorgeous ass self you are really amazing and i love you so much I'd die/take a bullet for you in a heartbeat but today i really came to a realization you probably won't like to hear if you get back together with me i realized that even though im a little chubby and should really work out more i am the whole package I will be a great husband and have a great future and whomever decides to come along for that ride would really enjoy it i feel so if you weren't to come back you're missing out on a guaranteed great husband and great future which yes i know confidence much maybe almost downright cocky but I'm happy with what the future holds for me and whomever decides to come with me and if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times i wish it could be you i really do cause despite my being scared of you potentially cheating I have faith and deep down i know you won't cause you are honest and real with me (unless you weren't in which case awwwkwaaarrrdd) but yeah you'd be a great mother and whoever you marry will be lucky and happy they have you and same thing for me :) you know the funniest thing anytime i text anyone and so ok i love you too your name pops up first in my next word choice box cause that's what I did i loved you hell i definitely still do and for some reason if you asked me to marry you there would be no hesitation no i need time to think just one word yes cause that's who i am and that's how head over heels i am for you i want to hug you bad hell I'd give away my paycheck to fucking see and talk to you again and make you fall in love all over again you did something no one and nothing could do you made me truly happy like true true happiness i love you so much Rebekah sleep well baby girl I hope you have a fantastic day tomorrow you are the bestest ever forever <3 lol today was my first ever college football tailgate with my church college group in Greenville today was also one of those days I was sad but i wasn't at first i was fine just felt a little out of place but quickly threw myself in and i got away from everyone for a bit and checked snapchat and saw that you finally got your tattoo and I was so happy for you but sad at the same time cause I wanted to be with you maybe get one with you but sadly i missed that milestone

Im sorry for missing your first tattoo I wish i couldve been there for you and with you im so proud of you cause your tattoo couldn't be truer you are coming from nothing and making big strides that's a big accomplishment I love you hell maybe I'll get a tattoo soon you never know i saw the flirting posts that i "liked" so i unfollowed you on everything cause it hurt so much i like instantly started crying and what do they have i don't you are killing me it broke me all over again i did everything I could to make you happy i tried so hard and it feels like you're really not fighting or trying to better yourself it feels like you just want to get with someone else cause I wasn't enough for you my efforts meant nothing today a Sunday night i was with my small group and you "accidentally sent me a video of you showing off your new tattoo the day or so after i removed you from all social media since i found out unfriending doesn't make me disappear on your end so i blocked you sorry but i have to thank you for understanding and being respectful so recently I've really been going after God and it came to my attention that i was wanting you to be something you can't be and weren't designed to be aka i wanted you to satisfy me completely which is impossible only God can do that also i lusted after you so much even though i had so much love for you aswell but my lust being me using you for my benefit aka my happiness and stuff was wrong i should've been more loving aka sacrificial of myself to benefit or help you and I'm so very sorry about that i wish i couldve been a better leader for you sadly for right now at least it seems i am too late hey i just wanted to say even if we don't get back together I'm really glad i met you you were a wonderful first also you'd be proud of me i was gogogo for 17/18 hours from 4:50am to 9:53pm thats kinda insane for me lol I'm so happy today like i feel hella blessed and loved and it's not necessarily from a person i just feel so in touch with God rn i know ur probably like smh but for real im like on fire its awesome but i just wanted to let you know even though you might never see this and if you do its been a hot minute lol but it's not to hurt you it's to show you i guess my self improvement slash progression of life in general i suppose  also just wanted you to know but im sure u already do you are a really beautiful woman and I am saying that cause i can appreciate a beautiful woman you don't have priority anymore but i just wanted to let you know that god bless that was hard to explain but even that is obscure IM NOT HITTING ON YOU IM JUST APPRECIATING GOD'S CRAFTSMANSHIP BAM there we go ok so just looked at pictures of us on my phone and hot damn you fine lol (still appreciating the craftsmanship) hey its been a bit i went on a retreat with fuse and it was amazing i met a lot of guys and girls and am continuing to talk with some of the girls but the more i talk with them the more i miss talking with you i really wish we could at least be friends again but i guess not :( I'm glad I met you Rebekah you were a fantastic first girlfriend I just want you to know im not mad with you i respect your decision wholeheartedly you were great and hell I'll say it I miss you you were really fun to hang with i wish to tell you this but alas I'm here and you're nowhere to be seen in my life and I can almost guarantee you're not as affected and definitely not to the degree I am (it's not so bad for you you have to  journal your experience of life without me) part of my heart is with you and always will be because the sex we had same thing with you part of your heart will always be with me and im sorry for that today i thought about you and when you told me that you imagined us sitting on the porch in rocking chairs and it kinda made me think and i was like you probably gonna come back and I hope you do but if you don't that's highly unfortunate  it's felt like months since we saw eachother last but it's only been like 1 and a half  longest month of my life tbh

Its 9/23/19 I'm gonna talk to your mom tomorrow after i get off work to check up on how everyone is doing you will probably hear a little or everything that's going on with me it may not attract you in fact it's very possible it'll repel you but hey it really doesn't matter you're an awesome girl and I'm a pretty cool dude lol if you decide to go separate ways that is your choice and I'll respect it even if it saddens me because I'm moving forward  which is something else I never thought I'd be where i am today this early but I hope you you do come back you did make my life happier but now I'm happy even without you which is awesome I swear to never rely on you for my happiness I will look more towards the Lord and walk towards him with you by my side and no more big mistakes oh btw I talked with your mom and I'm glad I did your mom is a good mom I really miss you and your family and I keep praying for you guys and for clarity of who I'm meant to be with or if im not supposed to be with you at all and last night I dreamed about you so I think that was God telling me i need to be with you but I don't know I want to be with you don't het me wrong but I don't want to misinterpret my dreams it's now 9/27/19 and it hurt me to hear you were dating someone tbh but I'm glad you are getting out there and I'm happy for you regarding how well you are doing at church what I don't think is good is that you're dating someone that doesn't know the lord he has someone for you that knows and loves him thus you shouldn't be in that relationship in my opinion but as i said I just want the best for you

" we do bible shit"