#maybe if people were nice to him and everyone wasnt always using/abandoning him for no reason he wouldn't be mean :(

[girlwiththegreenhat]

having just made it to KITT vs KARR i stand by my point that KARR has done nothing wrong ever in his life

[silver-mist]

BTS In The SOOP EP4 - HOBI’s REVENGE (The full recap)

I havent done a recap since Ep 1 and technically that wasnt a recap but more for fun. However, after watching today’s episode, I felt inclined to share some thoughts as I found this to be such a lovely and heartfelt episode that truly exemplified not only each member and how they are as well as dynamics between them so im making this exception. This may be a long read for some but if you make it to the end then ❤️and feel free comment. Welcome to a summary/analysis of my thoughts throughout this episode full of cute moments between certain member “ships”. I put that in quotations to point out that I look at these platonically in a friendly way (with the exception of 1 lol) but also as a way to emphasize how each member looks to another as different likes and circumstances arise. We all can fully see that OT7 truly have a special bond unlike other idol groups who pretend for years only to be discredited later. However, it shouldnt come as a surprise that some members are closer to some than others and that isnt a bad thing, just like we all may have that 1 or those 2 people we wanna tell first when you have a major life event or need to just talk. That is the main reason for my recap today, to talk about these and how it genuinely warms my heart because even though they may not act like their full real selves here, after all, this will be seen on broadcast by the general public and not just fans, this is probably the closest we get to their domestic normal selves, no narrative, no event or photoshoot to prepare for, just them doing things as they go. 

We start off after the dinner scene where everyone has dispersed into their own thing. Cue to V sitting by himself in the main house about to sing karaoke. As anyone who has followed him along the years, you already know that he often prefers his own “me” moments and its just cute to watch him start singing to his hearts content that its even pointed out by his hyungs as they sit outside further away chatting. Its nice to see him happily enjoying whatever he feels like doing with no care in the world but I do shy away from calling him an introvert as he can be the social butterfly. 

We then cut to Namseok sitting outside, drinking some beer, having a heart to heart. The rap line has obviously been close for a long time but the way Hobi speaks about his chat with Joon that night and how it feels natural and not awkward shows you that they gravitate towards one another vs possibly some other members in terms of lets say normal adult discussions where its not about jokes or laughter but just growing up and responsibilities or random hobbies and its a beautiful thing to see. Between Hobi wishing he could sing (I think he has a lovely voice and should try it out even when he thinks he isnt good) to Joon talking about writing in a journal or feeling like this is a break they should have where they retire, its cute, its normal non celeb talk, and just a moment between 2 likeminded friends. I’ll finish off this scene with another *Joon should just not touch things in general* moment when he drops the mosquito defector and all Hobi does is smile and reply... 

(Friendship Goals...)

Jimin decides to join shortly after but doesnt have a beer in hand, the hyungs are quick to point that there is some in the other fridge but Jimin dismisses it and goes to sit as all he wants is to be in their company awww. He mentions that he will take some cold medicine and Hobi immediately questions if he’s feeling unwell to which he replies that he is in fact not feeling well. This cause an immediate reaction of concern from the hyungs as Joon tells him to put his hood on to evade a bit of the cold air and Hobi insists in a serious manner to not disobey and do as they say after jimin says its fine. Double awww 🥺

Their night ends with Minimoni heading out to another mini tournament of ping pong because why not, Jimin trying to convince Hobi to watch them because awww, and Joon telling Jimin to not torture Hobi like that 😂. Joon reading the room and knowing its not his thing cracks me up, baby mochi just wants him around haha.

The scene then cuts to the next morning where we finally see Yoongi waking up from him sleep nest in the search for water. He is still out of it as he cutely blames someone from taking his water to only realize a few moments later that that someone was him 😂.

Lil meow meow cutely wobbles out of his camper to go get a drink only to suspiciously look around like he’s spotting the cameras. Perhaps to make a Yoongi Part 3 impromptu advertisement??? We all know how good he is at those 😂. He finally asks himself “What should I do”. Story of my life he probably thinks in his mind... meanwhile I go, just rest. 

We then cut to another episode of the Chronicles of Jin: The “It’s still Hot” saga where I genuinely wonder why he still chooses the tent when im sure another arrangement is possible but do you boo. As always, the forever RJ representative cutely wears his pj’s as he heads to the main house not before stopping to do the most random thing ever... 

The editor’s caption speaks for itself lol.

He finds his way inside to stumble upon baby Tae still kinda sleepy looking complaining to the sink where dishes were left unwashed the prior night. His annoyance cracks me up and then he starts to play with a mini skillet/stove? and we finally get a moment of Tae cooking... yayy. He cutely complains as the rice is not staying together and tests out the sugar level to then realize it needs more and its adorable. Hobi wakes up and heads downstairs to encounter Jin at the piano again and cutely heads towards Tae to smack his butt and ask for some food, cue VHOPE cuteness, which later continues when Hobi wants to time Tae’s food with his jog haha. Tae again complains about the dishes and proceeds to drag a chair closer to the stove because I guess the 2 second distance from the table is too much? 😂Cute..

Back to 2Seok which to what I have seen in videos is not often, agreeing to go for a jog as well as disagreeing on how to go about it. Jin is like America (we go out to the store in sweats with unruly hair and not give an F LOL) and Hobi is like Korea (Where everyone dresses nice no matter what the occasion) Side note* this is my perspective as an american who has visited korea, they just do fashion better over there and I want to buy it all ☺️. I guess Hobi ends up finally convincing Jin to change because next thing they are out and about in their morning jog.

Back to baby Tae and random inexplicable moment of the episode #2... He removes the plate from the chair then proceeds to sit on the floor to taste his treat when the chair is now empty...🧐😂

2seok is now on their jog down the road and Hobi stops to rest on the side with Jin judging him “We only ran for 3 minutes and you already want to rest?” LOLOL. He then proceeds to take some of Hobi’s water and insists on carrying the bottle back because it makes him look good on camera. LMAO Jin, stay humble always... 😂. Hobi just does a literal SMH.

Cutscene to the view where different rooms are shown at once and I spot the second room next to Jungkook in the floating house with the door open.. Hmmm who opened it I wonder? Was someone using the room??

Back to V being his cute self enjoying his “me” time. He proceeds to play again with the rc boat and I almost panic a little at what seems like he may fall into the water trying to place it there. Good thing he doesnt but he gets the wrong control remoter and rushes back to get the right one. Once it finally moves its like all is right in the world. Cute. We get a short glimpse of him in the floating house and seeing that Jungkook is still fast asleep.

We then see Yoongi back at the top house heading in to read his book, shortly after the 3 amigos V, Hobi and Jin are walking in as Jin previously mentioned he was hungry, cue to start of meal prepping. 

We finally see the final member we havent seen wake up, baby mochi in all his fairy like self is still in bed. Tae is the first to open the door to his room and proceeds to cutely jump over him, play around, get pushed back and complain and then just lay on top of him with his butt facing the door. Excuse me while I melt in cuteness..my VMIN heart... ❤️

Only to literally do a 180 and LAUGH my ass off when Hobi walks in, sees them there and just goes NOPE.. walking out 😂

Apparently 2seok have decided on their meal plan and the ever so helpful ray of sunshine seems at a loss on how to set the charcoal on fire, note that he could have asked Jin but he heads to Yoongi for help (Bring in some SOPE love :)). Either way here I was hoping Yoongi would just chill and it seemed like that was the plan until he saw Hobi’s lostness and eagerness to help so he decides to step up again and help out. It’s kinda evident he didnt plan to when he goes “Oh ok” after being told what they plan to eat but proceeds to jump in at Hobi’s lostness in terms of making a fire. Cute. 

Cue back to Hobi disturbing the soulmates and whatever little cute slaps Tae was giving Jimin to probably wake up to ask him to fetch the torch because hes finally done running between the houses like last episode lol. The ever obedient Tae obliges immediately, Jimin remains in bed. 

Were back at the main house and maybe not every caught on but its ADORABLE how Joon goes out with the plan to play with the boat like Tae but leaves it abandoned to see where all the other members are. Note, he is for some reason limping all of a sudden and I think it may have to do with why he left early for personal reasons, I hope he was ok. Potential theory, could Jin slapping the boxer bag have anything to do with it? 🧐.

Anyways, even with his leg issue he literally walks around to the other house, checks on all members and ends up back at the main house sitting next to Jungkook, encouraging him as he is building a glider and then ultimately telling him he will keep him company by sitting next to him and reading a book. Even takes care of him by bringing him a drink. Awwww KookieMonster ❤️

anddd were back to the others in the upper house. 

SOPE taking the lead with building a fire..

TAEJIN figuring out the fish with Tae sporting an adorable hat and looking lost but still willing to help his hyung. Cutely Tae later makes Hobi aware on how this is his first time putting a knife on a fish and learning that a fish’s life is previous. AWWWW.. 

Its the little things that I like to point out, the members gravitate towards who they feel more in tune with. Tae to help Jin and Suga to help Hobi although the opposite would have be interesting to watch lol.

We then get Yoongi thawing out the ribs, Hobi trying to get veggies and LITERALLY pulling out the roots of a poor plant 😂, Yoongi legit pulling up a chair to read while cooking (poor thing haha), Jin crying because hes wasting the fish fillet as hes still learning, Joon adoringly looking at JK while he continues building his glider like a big brother, JK finally giving up and whining that hes gonna ask Hobi for help (HOPEKOOK cutely building a glider? yes please), JK looking over to see what Joon is reading, giving up again and ultimately moving out with Joon looking up like “You leaving me?” and then looking at the camera LOL. 

The 3 cooks up in the upper house are busy in their own thing when Jin asks for the location of the wrapper with SOPE rapping in return making a joke about them being the “rappers” haha. 

Back at the main house Taekook are cooking together. It makes me laugh at the difference between the hyungs cooking above. For starters, JK is cooking sausage for some time but I legit wanna teleport myself over there to tell him “Hey, cut it in pieces, you are burning the bottom of it but the inside is still raw” 😂... thankfully he does that eventually.... Meanwhile little sweet Tae is getting fancy on us and bringing his wine habits into the mix making an appetizer and struggling to open the Jamon packet even though (as the camera clearly zooms in on) the scissors are right next to him...These two are funny. 

Finally someone acknowledges that Jimin is still alive somewhere LOL and its none other than Yoongi who says it out loud in the kitchen then passes by his room but instead of waking him up just cheers him on then walks away haha (YOONMIN ❤️)

However that lasts for about 2 seconds before Yoongi comes back and ask Jimin to gather the others from the other house for lunch as the other members are busy and Jimin listens obediently by rolling over and calling Joon and with a hoarse voice letting him know Yoongi’s instructions. Poor Jimin, he sounds unwell 🥺. Joon goes to gather the younglings, Tae makes it up and decides to decorate the cheese with a red umbrella only to look dissatisfied and make it a blue one lol. They then have some random cuts of moments because JK’s sausages appear on the table but we never see him walk up and then he magically walks out the house but dont show any of that.. hmmmm. I’ll leave my thoughts at that since some people might understand what im alluding to :). 

Yoongi is taking out the ribs and accidentally drops a piece and we get the following reactions;

Yoongi: little scream ��

Joon: Just use the 3 second rule 🙂

JK: Just wash it and then recoat it with more sauce and that should fix it 😄

To which Yoongi can only look slightly flabbergasted at the suggestion and throws it back “Do you wanna eat them?” hahaha

They all finally gather at the table including Jimin and I see that both him and Joon look a little off, I hope they got better soon after but for sure they seemed sick. Jin sweetly talks about always wanting to make the dish he prepared and how complicated it is and refers to it being a hard dish to make for a Family (the BTS bond is one of a kind). All the members admire the sampling of food, Jimin calls out the cuteness of Tae’s umbrella on the cheese, JK helps Jimin break the ribs apart, Tae tells everyone to try his appetizer, the member’s cutely all aww and ohh when they find out he cut the melon 💜, everyone but JK and Tae seem to know the dish, Hobi and Jimin cue to immediately try it for their friend so he doesnt feel left out, after trying it he cutely asks Jimin how it tastes and waits for his response, another awww, soulmate responds with its diff (which probably isnt his taste but eats it anyway for him ) lol and it zooms out with someone asking (sounds like Jin?) what they will have for dinner to have another member whom I cant tell reply LETS STARVE.  These clowns 😂but I get it, it took like hours to cook each meal.

They get ready to clean and apparently prep something for dinner with Joon washing the dishes and eventually asking Jk for help who is busy cooking rice eventually summoning Jimin who heard his name with Jk cutely smacking his butt to tell him Joon called him to then Jimin telling Joon not to worry and he will take over ( I reread this whole sentence and ran out of breath haha but then again im not here for proper grammer.. oopps). This leads us to a sweet domestic Jikook moment where he asks JK to help him dry the dishes and the other obliges and they just fall in routine.. just cute.

Joon heads back to the main house to pack and I honestly think he probably was heading for a doctor check up, he just seemed out of it 🥺

Jimin gets done with the dishes and ends up next to Tae as the soulmates cutely discuss the game he is playing and Tae announces his kills and loses.

Jimin is then next to Hobi in the other house who is getting ready to customize his shoes, he asks Jimin to join but he doesnt seem enthusiastic to the idea so Hobi just goes “I’ll just do what I like” and to me sounding a little sad since this isnt the first time hes asked Jimin to do an activity with him lol. Before walking away Jimin starts singing a song about it. Yoonjin are back again as buddies down the lake fishing and we get a sweet after interview of Yoongi admitting he is not interested in fishing but he does it because Jin invites him. You KNOW you only do those kind of things for your closest friends or family and that was sooo sweet. YOONJIN goals!

Back at the house we see that Jimin ultimately decided to join Hobi and we get cute JIHOPE moments. Im glad because I honestly got the vide since the beginning of in the soop that he wanted to spend more time with Jimin and hadnt had the chance. They both decorate a shoe each and are careful not to splatter on each other. I also spy with my little eyes... an Iphone?? tsk tsk tsk.. all the others are at least trying and Jimin is like nope hahahaha. If that was indeed a samsung then my bad.

Next thing we know JK and Jimin are harmonizing and sounded just beautiful, can we get another subunit please? I know they did Who and We dont talk anymore but a legit korean song.. anyone? Ok.. moving on haha

Now here is a group I havent seen hang out together often, I  know yoongi mostly keeps to himself but I was wondering if we would see any interactions longer than just passing food or related to meal prep between Yoongi and JK/Tae but here we are, the 2 kiddos singing and the hyung just watching on. Yay..

We later see Jimin revealing his excitement over the art project and im glad he enjoyed doing that with Hobi.

Hilariously enough, not long after, while deep into another song, Yoongi tells Jk that he needs to get out to pack. Jk’s reaction? Proceed to continue singing and kinda ignores hahaha. Cue to the camera angle still showing JK doing his thing and an exasperated looking parent *aka yoongi* just staring at him like 😐

They all head to pack their belongings and we fast forward to them playing games in the upper house. While Jimin is packing he walks out and asks to no one in particular where his hanbok piece is, then sees Jk playing in with the VR and proceeds to go up to tickle him cutely (domestic much? 🥰). This is ironically followed up by mischievous Tae wanting in on the fun by standing up from his spot and moving behind JK and after what seems like thinking it over, carefully tugs his pants down but not with the intention to actually pull them. JK laughs at this and goes “You shouldnt do that” hahaha. Which begs the question, did he know who tried to pull a fast one on him? LOL  

Everyone is back to their usual roles, the 3 cooks prepping the dinner, the maknae line just doing their thing between JK still in the VR game and Vmin cutely playing games in the corner. Yoongi seems like he NEVER rests, poor thing. He sees them prepping the ramen and suggest they add meat and ends up cooking meat. He is such a DAD and im all for it. While all this is happening there is a whole ruckus in the background and we hear the maknae line having a blast but only get a short glimpse of what is happening when the camera is still on the cooks. Apparently Jimin is now on the VR game and Jk decides to mess with him by taking a controller away and putting it behind his back, as Jimin tries to reach out to find it somehow, mischievous Tae is back at it and steals the other and moves it all the way to the other side presumably above the food shelf LMAO. I gather from the way that Jimin reaches UP and not straight out when reaching towards JK and the controller that this is DEF not the first time this has happened and when it has JK played the “I am taller and you cant reach this” stance, so of course Jimin’s instinct is to reach above his head hahaha.

They finally get down to eat and they all run to the table, I spook a cute Jikook moment of JM sitting next to JK and pulling the chair up leaving little room LOL, then Hobi still needs help so Jimin proceeds to go in to help with JK not far behind and a cute JiHopeKook hug alongside a Jikook sweet moment (I see that waist caress there JK 👀🥰😂😏) and they all make it back to the table with their meals ready. Tae makes sure to remind Jimin there is also meat for him to grab. Aww, ive lost count of the times that these two have been looking out for the other and its just so subtle but sweet af. 

Its time to finally go homeeeee. They all decide on who’s going in what car and then suddenly Jin remembers to check his fishing rod. 

Now... you may be wondering why I called this Hobi’s revenge. Well well well.. I want to say that slowly, Hobi decided to butter Jin up by hanging out all day long to eventually go full betrayal mode muahahaha. I kid I kid. But as life turns out, Hobi was presented with an opportunity to return the favor of Jin’s BV4 master plan to abandon him in New Zealand. Well well well... how the tables have turned. He tells his plans to the other nearby and they immediately agree 😂. Cue to a total pandemonium... Hobi rushing them in, Yoongi slowly walking to his car because of course he aint gonna run, Jimin trying to drag his suitcase, Tae running from the house in a cute manner probably going hehehehehe as he hears the plan, Jungkook walking up to them with no idea whats going on, having like 1 second to understand it, and then immediately running unsure of what to do until Jimin goes “Help me load this in!”. 

Jin finally approaches and they get in in time and start driving off. Jin finally goes heyyyyyyyy and cant believe what is happening, shouts out Yoongi, like you cant do this to me LOLOL. You can see Yongi’s big ass smile through the windshield which is even funnier. For a second he stops and it seems like Yoongi decides to have mercy on him, even open the door for him to stick his suitcase in. Hobi, Jungkook and Jimin seem to believe it as they are seen walking back up away from the car guessing the plan is a no go. That is until Yoongi goes full AGUST D and says “Who's the king, who's the boss?”... JK but lets just pretends he says that 😂, and literally does start driving off. Jihopekook see this and run their asses back to the car like little kids and laughing all cute as can be HEHEHEHEHE and they end up leaving Jin there LOL. Revenge is a dish best served cold and you just got served Jinnie.

Legend says Hobi slept well that night. 

The end. 

Hope you had fun reading this long post, probably will never do another since it took forever but I had fun making these gifs and pics and typing in my 2 cents hahaha. Borahae everyone 💜

[mollydollyjournals]

Finally had a long talk with hb about divorce and all that. A proper one. It's been vaguely hinted at and sort of spoken about a bit but today we talked about what we're actually going to do. The idea is to change some things about how we operate for a bit, take a lot of space, then in a couple of months he's having surgery and we'll use that as an opportunity for him to move back in with his parents for a month and we'll have more space, then decide from there. I feel like we're just running the last resuscitation attempts. We'll likely split up properly before next year.

It's kind of funny this talk happened today. It's his birthday. It's my dad's birthday too. I didnt get anything for either of them. Hb doesnt really do presents and I didnt talk to my dad for a decade after he disowned me so I never really know what to do there anyway. I'll have to drink more or disassociate harder if I'm going to send a text to my dad or come up with a present idea.

All kinds of abandonment triggers flaring today. I finished watching Beyond Evil. Weird show. But at the end I felt the same as I did at the end of My Mister (which I really loved) - something about seeing the characters go through so much shit and lose family and all sorts, but in the end they have each other in their little community, a found family, and they sit around a table having dinner and drinking and know they always have each other's backs.

It seems to be common in Korean dramas so presumably a cultural thing. I guess every culture has its food rituals. Just my family, the ones I grew up geographically closest to, are italian. And catholic. They're loud and toxic and it took me years to figure out they're where I get my eating disorder from. Part of me misses xmas dinners when my grandmother was alive because there was a food I loved that we always had. But maybe it's just because I was so young then. Maybe I just hadnt noticed all the shit yet. But those gatherings over the years just became such a toxic situation full of pressure and guilt and judgement, and in the end it's no surprise I developed every kind of eating disorder.

I miss the other side of my family too. Southern African, so another continent entirely, and more than a day's travel from where I grew up. They were loud too, but not pushy. They were just loud and you joined if you wanted. But my dad never taught me the language, and i never learned, so i could only speak to the people who spoke English unless my dad was around to translate. And of the people I was close to, only one is still alive. Other than them, the one who assaulted me as a child is still there too. It made me afraid to go back. It made me regret not seeing the others before they died.

And by the time I was old enough to start seeking out my own found family, I couldn't eat in front of anyone. Now I have issues with drinking too, the other way entirely. I'm always jealous of the scenes in these shows where everyone sits around a little table with good food and good drinks and good company. That's what life should be. We should all have that.

It hits particularly hard during this pandemic. Good company around a shitty little table is the one thing we can't have. It's why I felt so intensely about going to my friends' wedding weekend - they didnt make a big deal of it, it was just some nice people in a little location with nice food and nice drinks. Of course, I didnt join very well with the latter two. But being able to just be around people feels like such a rare thing.

Hb wants to close himself off entirely. I want to be around people I love. I'm someone who needs a lot of space but I'm still finding all of this so difficult. I dont know if I need more company than I realised or it's just the situation highlighting things. But I've felt so so isolated and I keep thinking about how a pandemic has one particular way in which it's worse than any other kind of catastrophe, and that's that we can't be together. Of course other situations will be worse in other ways, I dont mean to say this is overall worse. But in war or natural disaster etc you can come together and support each other. But a pandemic does more damage the more we do that, so we can't.

I don't know. I want some company. I wish I was stupid rich so I could buy a little community and put all my friends in it. Have a communal area where people just chill and do nothing together, or have those dinners and drinks around a little table. I wish it wasnt just me in my room being left alone again.

[mystrangerfics]

The Dirty Mix

A/N: This is a dirty-minded, flirty story with fluffs galore. All songs titles in this fic are linked so you can play as you go if you want. Hope you enjoy it!

Pairing: Billy Hargrove x Reader 

Description: This was a request by @kaitlinlexiexx asked: can you maybe do a Billy x reader where the reader is really shy and punk rockish? she likes rock music, leather jackets, all that jazz. and then she bumps into Billy or something in the hall at school and she befriends him. then they start talking and she opens up more and is actually really dirty minded and it shocks him?

Work Count: 6291

Complete Story Warnings: Abuse Mentioned, Language, & Dirty Talk.

__ __

The school day had finally ended and you were so ready to go home. You clicked on your Walkman and the loud rock music filled your ears. You walked through the halls of people and kept to yourself like you did most days. You didn’t make conversation if you didn’t need to and tried to avoid it in general. Your headphones were your safe haven, your calm and the loud music coming from them helped you zone out. People would smile and wave to you but they knew you well enough to stop with that, you would return the gestures and that was nice enough. People understood you were shy but that you also didn’t let people take advantage of you. You were pretty well liked, even if you didn’t go out of your way to talk with others.

You zipped up your leather jacket before walking outside into the cold air. Your boots tracked through the snow as you made your way to the parking lot. You hummed quietly with your music and when someone banged into you out of nowhere, you felt the headphones fall from your ears. You slipped on the ice and almost fell before someone grabbed your arm. You managed to get your footing and then glanced to the person still holding your arm. Your eyes met with Billy Hargrove’s who was looking at you a little.

“Fuck,” you said suddenly, seeing your Walkman on the ground in pieces. “Shit,” you hissed as you picked it up and looked at it. You tried playing it after fixing the cassette cover but when it didn’t work you sighed.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you speak,” you heard and looked up to Billy. “Sorry about your Walkman.”

You gave him a crooked smile and just kind of shrugged. “Thanks for helping me. See you around,” you said quietly before you made a waving gesture with your hand that held the broken music player. You messed with it as you walked to your car, the headphones around your neck.

Billy continued to watch you walk to your car. He had seen you in school a few times, always with your headphones on and you never spoke. He had made eye contact with you a few times but it never went any further. He didn’t know if you were shy or just didn’t care to socialize with people. Either way, you had peaked his interest. He hadn’t meant to run into you, he had turned, trying to find Tommy but crashed into you instead. He got into his car and sighed as he waited for Max to finally come.

__ __

Walking through school for the day felt really odd without your music but you hadn’t been able to afford to replace your player. You knew you would have to soon or you would go crazy. Standing at your locker and hearing everyone talking almost gave you a headache. By the end of the day, you just wanted to get in your car and blare music. You knew it wasn’t Billy’s fault but you were still a little irritated.

You quickly made your way to your car and stopped suddenly when you saw Billy standing in front of your door. You adjusted your bag strap on your shoulder before you scrunched up your face at him. “What’s up, Hargrove?”

“Uh, I felt bad yesterday,” he admitted before he pulled a box from his messenger bag. You looked to it and saw it was for a Walkman. “I couldn’t find the one you had but this one is the best. That’s what the guy at Radio Shack said,” Billy said before shrugging like it didn’t matter. He held the box out to you. “We good?”

You hesitated for a second before you took it and looked at it. You smiled a bit before looking up at him. “Thank you, Billy. This is great,” you admitted, glancing back down to the box again. “See you tomorrow,” you said before giving him a little wave when he began walking back to his car. He nodded and sent a wave back.

__ __

Billy came out of school the next day and sighed as he trudged up to the parking lot. You stood by his car and swayed awkwardly for a moment. He spotted you and raised an eyebrow, showing his uncertainty.

“I made you a tape,” you mumbled and held the cassette out. “As a thank you for the Walkman,” you added with a shrug.

Billy took the tape from your hand and glanced at it for a moment.  “Thanks,” he said, looking at it.

“I don't know if you'll like the music but it's some of my favorites. So hopefully there's something on there you'll like,” you said before shrugging. “Later,” you said before heading to your car.

Billy lifted three fingers as a wave and nodded his head. He got into his car and looked at the tape for a minute before pushing it into his player. He turned his Camaro on before turning up the volume dial a little. Guitar riffs started filling the car as the beginning of ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ by AC/DC started playing through the speakers. Billy raised his eyes a little but smirked, he wasn’t expecting the song as one of your favorites but was pleasantly surprised.

Billy continued to sit in the car and wait for Max. The next song started and he hadn’t heard it before. It started a little slow but the chorus had him nodding his head and tapping his hand mindlessly against the side of his thigh.  He figured the song was called ‘Feel Like Makin’ Love’ and found an amused smile on his lips. He glanced around the parking lot to see if you were still around but your car was gone.

Billy snapped his head back when he heard his passenger side door open and saw Max climb in. “Hey,” Billy said before he paused for a moment, Max raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you know a (Y/N)? She goes to school here?”

“Headphones?” Max asked, Billy nodded a little. “Yeah, we know her. She walks around town all the time. We heard her name once but we already named her Headphones.” Billy nodded before he put his car in reverse and backed out of his parking space.

__ __

Billy had gone out on a date Friday night that had proved to be about as exciting as all his other dates. They went to the diner, caught the newest movie and Billy had her home by ten like her father had instructed. He hadn’t even been able to get up the gumption to kiss the girl goodnight, he had remained in the car and took off before she even made it to her door.

Billy glanced around the dark streets of Hawkins before he pushed the cassette tape back into his player. His date had popped it out at one point, complaining about the music. He heard the beginning strums of ‘Night Moves’ by Bob Seger and nodded his head a little to the music. Billy drove around mindlessly, boredly hating how Hawkin’s never had anything to offer for entertainment.

It was about eleven o’clock when Billy spotted someone crossing the street ahead of him a ways. He saw the figure walking down a path in the woods and slowly brought his car to a stop, squinting into the trees. The figure had disappeared and Billy told himself to leave it alone but he found himself shutting off his car and getting out. His breath came out in huffs in front of him as he walked through the snowy woods, following the footprints. He went a little ways and was about to turn back when he saw a clearing up ahead. He slowly walked up to it and saw a bunch of abandoned cars and a large, rusting school bus. He glanced around before he saw someone sitting on top of the bus, facing the opposite direction.

Billy came closer and then shook his head as he could see the headphones resting on your ears. You were looking out over the distant lights and seemed calm. He looked for something to climb up on before he managed to get on top of the bus. You didn’t seem to notice him until he sat beside you, letting his legs hang next to yours, over the side of the bus. You jumped and gasped before you sighed in relief and then just gave him a crooked, awkward smile.

“Aren’t you cold?” Billy asked, he saw you push back one of your headphones and lean your head, showing you hadn’t heard him. “Aren’t you cold?”

You kind of shrugged and shook your head. “What are you doing out here? I don’t have many people bother me at this hour,” you said with a little smile, pulling your headphones down around your neck.

“I was driving around, thought I saw a damn ghost,” Billy admitted before he folded his hands together and leaned forward, looking over the fields and trees. “What are you doing out here?”

“Thinking,” you said plainly and tucked your hands into your jacket pockets.

“You don’t have a warmer place to think? What about your car?” Billy asked and glanced back at you.

“I’m only allowed to use it to get back and forth to school,” you explained. “I don’t mind walking, it helps me clear my head.”

You both sat in silence for a few moments, nothing but the sound of the faint music coming from your headphones. “I listened to your tape,” Billy said after a moment and an amused smile fell onto his lips. “I didn’t know you were so into rock,” he quipped before smirking at you. “Or that your music taste is completely in the gutter.”  You seemed to look at him like you didn’t understand what he was saying. He listed off a few of the songs you had recorded, all pertaining to having sex in one way or the other.

You snorted before laughing a little and nodding. “I suppose I did give you the dirty mix,” you said with a smirk. “What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing,” Billy said, turning his head back to look at you again. He placed a pleasant looking smile on his face as he stared.

“Who doesn’t like to listen to songs about getting laid?” You laughed and shook your head a little.

“I guess I just wasn’t expecting it,” Billy admitted before he looked back over the trees, glancing to some of the lights in the distance.

“They’re good songs to listen to. Especially at school when you walk by,” you said before smiling a bit. Billy could nearly see the blush on your cheeks but was taken aback a little. He hadn’t expected you to be so blunt about liking him and found a small laugh leave his throat.

“Well, for a shy girl, you definitely speak your mind,” Billy muttered with a smirk finding its way onto his lips.  

“Well, as you said, it’s always in the gutter,” you said before giving him a playful smirk, shrugging your shoulders. You checked your watch for a moment before looking around. “It was really good to see you Billy. I have to go,” you said before shooting him a little wave. “See you Monday?” You asked, stopping and turning back to look at him.

“Yeah, uh, I’ll see you then,” Billy said, surprised by you suddenly parting. He was going to ask if you needed a ride but decided against it.

You shot Billy a wave before you hopped down onto the hood of the bus and then onto the ground. He watched you walked out of the junkyard before he turned back, looking over the trees again.

__ __

Billy had a shit day, there was no other way to describe it. His father had yelled at him the entire morning before school and when he showed up late, his teacher had given him detention. He wasn’t overly excited about the idea of spending his Saturday at the school or telling his father about it but he didn’t have much of a choice.

Billy saw you in the hall, walking ahead of him with your headphones on. He knew calling you would be no good so he tried to catch up to you before you left for the day. Someone stepped in front of him and he looked down, seeing his date from Friday night. “Hey,” Billy said but glanced over her head, sighing a little when you went around a corner and he lost sight of you.

“So, I thought you were going to call me?” The girl said and Billy racked his brain to remember her name.

“Oh,” he started and it finally came to him. “Yeah, Ally. Sorry,” he mumbled. “Had a crazy weekend.”

“Was something wrong Friday?” She asked and hugged her books a little. “I mean, you just didn’t seem too interested.”

Billy sighed a little and let his tongue run over his bottom lip. “Yeah, Ally. I’m sorry. I’m just not in a good place right now,” Billy said, trying to let her down gently.

“Well, did you want to hang out later?” Ally tried and bit her bottom lip.

“Maybe. I’ll see how I feel in a few weeks,” he said. She didn’t seem to like that answer too much but just nodded before heading on her way down the hall.

Billy finally made it outside but when he reached the parking lot he didn’t see your car. He frowned a little and leaned back against his Camaro with a sigh. Digging for a cigarette, he leaned back off his car and turned to light it before his eyes noticed something on his windshield. He reached down and lifted one of the wipers, holding up a cassette tape. ‘Dirty Mix Part 2’ was scribbled on the small label and he smirked before he got into the car and put the tape in. ‘Need You Tonight’ by INXS started playing through his speakers and a smirk covered Billy’s face. He was really thinking it was about time to ask you on a date.

__ __

Billy had practice the next day after school and he noticed he felt a little bummed that he couldn’t try to bump into you in the parking lot. He had almost grown used to your little meetups, even if it hadn’t been that long of a habit.

“Where you been, man? You’ve been a ghost this last week,” Tommy said as he came up to Billy on the court.

Billy shrugged a little and kind of just smiled. “Just been around, messing around,” Billy said before he shot a basket.

Tommy laughed and Billy looked up to him before he looked past him, someone catching his eye. He saw you sitting on the bleachers, your headphones on and your toe tapping. You were staring at him, flatout your eyes were on Billy and he could only imagine what was playing on your Walkman.

Tommy followed Billy’s gaze before he snorted a little bit. “Headphones? Really?” Tommy mumbled and Billy broke his eye contact with you and looked at Tommy.

“Why do people call her that? She has a name,” Billy snipped as he dribbled his ball a little.

“She doesn’t talk to people,” Tommy said before shrugging. “She walks around the halls and does nothing but listen to her stupid Walkman.”

“Just shut up, man,” Billy said after a moment. He wasn’t sure why it bugged him so much but he didn’t like Tommy talking bad about you.

“What are you fucking her or something?” Tommy laughed and shot his ball at the rim of the hoop.

Billy angrily took a step towards Tommy before he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Steve Harrington looking at him. “Hey, man. Ignore him. He’s got a big mouth,” Steve said, trying to get Billy to calm himself. Billy wasn’t sure why Steve was stepping in since Billy had knocked Steve out before, quite badly. “Not worth it. He doesn’t think about what he’s saying,” Steve said, urging Billy to relax with his words.

“What’s it got to do with you?” Billy asked bitterly, wondering why Steve was being stupid enough to interrupt.

Steve sighed with his hands on his hips before he glanced over to you. Billy watched you smile and wave at Steve for a moment and Steve returned it. Tommy snorted and came up behind Billy with his arms crossed. “Probably because Harrington is fucking her,” he added.

“Dude, no,” Steve argued but Billy’s angered face told him he wasn’t buying it.

Billy shoved Steve back a little and glared. “Is it true?”

“I just told you it wasn’t. Are you deaf?” Steve asked with his hands up, trying to remain innocent and undefensive.

Billy shoved Steve again and he tripped up before he fell. Your head snapped up from where you’d been mindlessly doodling, the music having kept you from noticing the argument. You saw Steve on the ground and Billy standing over him, looking angry. You didn’t want to draw attention to yourself but Steve had been a good friend since you were young. You walked out onto the basketball court and stepped in front of Steve, blocking Billy’s path. You could tell he wasn’t expecting it because he nearly fell back as you reached down and helped up Steve.

“Told you,” Tommy said into Billy’s ear.

“Shut your trap, Tommy,” you snapped, glaring at him. Tommy had never made your life easier, he always tried to make it harder. The gym wasn’t too full since the practice hadn’t fully started yet so you didn’t feel too anxious.

“Back off, bitch,” Tommy retorted with his own glare and stepped towards you. You saw Billy’s arm come up in front of Tommy, it was subtle but you saw it. You glanced to Billy and gave him a small smile.

Steve thanked you quietly and you turned to him before you gave him a little hug. “I’ll watch the next one,” you said to Steve and Billy. People were beginning to stare at you and it made you uncomfortable. “Bye, guys.” You gave a small wave before you replaced your headphones and left the gym.

“She came to watch you?” Billy asked, nearly glaring a hole through Steve.

“Well, she never has before, so I don’t think that was for me,” Steve said honestly. Billy found a small smirk on his lips as he turned around. He decided to let it go but kicked himself a little. He wondered what you had been listening to while watching him play, he wished he hadn’t ruined it. __ __

“I’m sorry about the other day?” You looked up from your lunch to see Billy sitting himself across from you. You pulled off your headphones and gave him an awkward smile, showing you hadn’t heard him. “I’m sorry about the other day,” Billy repeated. You scrunched up your face, showing you were a little confused. “In the gym. When I shoved Steve,” he elaborated.

“Oh,” you said, finally understanding. “Yeah, I was a little disappointed. I was enjoying watching you run around shirtless,” you said with a little smirk and Billy raised an eyebrow at you as he smirked.

“What song were you listening to?” Billy asked, leaning across the table a little. The thought had been in his head since he saw you there and he really wanted to know.

“While watching you?” You asked to confirm and saw Billy nod. You blushed a bit but smiled. “’Lick it Up’ by KISS,” you admitted.

Billy shook his head but had a huge smile on his face. He really had never imagined you to have such a filthy mind but he was beginning to really like it. “I think we need to go out,” Billy said like it was a known fact.

“Oh yeah?” You asked and glanced up at him through your eyelashes. “Like go out to eat or to reenact the KISS song?” You dragged your tongue over your spoon and looked him in the eye.

Billy felt a pull between his legs and breathed out heatedly. “Are you busy Friday night?”

You smirked at him for not answering the question but then pouted in a playful way. “I’m out of town this weekend and most of next week,” you said honestly. “Next weekend I’m available though,” you offered.

“Next Friday around seven?” Billy asked, hopeful you’d agree. The thought of waiting almost two weeks to take you out was long enough, he was hoping it wouldn’t be longer than that.

“Sure,” you said with a bit of a smile. “See you later, Hargrove,” you purred as you got up with your empty tray, beating the bell that rang a moment later. Billy barely heard it as his eyes followed you out of the cafeteria.

__ __

Billy heard a dreamy sigh from behind him at his locker and turned around, he smiled when he saw it was you. “I'm sorry, some days I just have to stop and stare at an ass that gorgeous,” you said before you giggled.

“You know, a mouth like that, could get you in trouble,” Billy said before he leaned against his locker and fixed you with a dreamy stare.

“A look like that makes me think I wouldn't mind,” you said with a little smirk. “Besides, I'm good at using my mouth for more than just running it,” you said as you leaned into him. Billy felt his skin warm all over as he looked to your mouth that you left slightly parted. You purposely left your lips parted and ran your tongue over them.

Billy looked like he was coming undone in front of you and it made you giggle a little. “See you around, Hargrove,” you purred before leaning close like you were going to kiss him and walked off.

Billy's eyes ran over you and he watched you walk down the hall, he had to swallow to wet his throat. He couldn't deny how badly he wanted to find a bed and put you in it.

__ __

Billy had found himself returning to the junkyard after your first meeting there. He wasn't sure what it was but the area was quiet and he could think there. He turned suddenly when he heard a noise on the hood of the bus and turned to see you climbing up onto the top.

“I can't believe you didn't hear me walk up,” you said, seeing that you had jumped him slightly.  “How's it going?”

Billy held his gaze straight, trying to keep the other side of his face hidden. He'd gotten into it with his father again and didn't want to have to explain the busted lip. “Alright,” Billy said before shrugging. “How was your day? I didn't see you at school,” he commented.

“I was there, we must have just missed each other,” you said with a small shrug and pout.

“So where are you going this weekend?” Billy asked and leaned forward a little, letting his elbows set on his knees.

“Visiting family,” you mumbled and shrugged a bit. “Mom's parents live about five hours away and we go see them once a month.”

Billy nodded his head a little and tried to place the song coming from your headphones that laid around your neck.

“‘Africa’ by Toto,” you said with a little laugh when he mindlessly leaned closer. He made a slight face at you and you laughed. “Hey, it's gonna be a classic,” you said with a smile. You turned the volume up so he could hear it better. “Gonna take a lot to drag me away from you!” You loudly sang, dramatically dragging out the words that the song did.

Billy found an actual laugh come from himself and shook his head. “Yeah, let's never speak of this again,” he joked and you playfully hit his shoulder.

“Can’t believe you're hating on Toto,” you said with a grin before you sighed out and looked over the trees.

“Fine. It's not a horrible song,” he mumbled before smirking a bit at you. It was at this moment Billy realized he was showing his split lip and turned back forward. He was waiting for the inevitable, for you to ask what had happened and what was wrong.

“Can’t hate on a future classic,” was all you said, your tone still light and Billy was grateful to you.

“I suppose not,” he said with a shrug and smiled a bit. Billy didn't know how long you planned on staying out on the bus but he knew he wasn't leaving until you were. He was prepared to stay the rest of the night.

__ __

Billy didn't want admit it but not seeing you in the halls all week made him feel a little down. He missed your witty banter and your occasional dirty comment.

He had returned to the junkyard a few times and on one of the nights he had accidentally fallen asleep. When he dragged in early in the morning his father started on him. Yelling about him being gone all night and asking who he had been sleeping with.

“So which was it? A whore or a guy?” His father asked and Billy stood by the door, his keys in his hand. He didn't move and tried not to listen, he was tired of being treated like he was worthless. “You know, maybe you wouldn't think you were such a pretty boy without that hair,” Neil barked and went into the kitchen, pulling scissors from a drawer. He grabbed Billy's hand and slapped the scissors into them. “Cut it,” Neil hissed.

“Dad,” Billy tried but his father just glared at him, his gaze telling him to be quiet.

Billy looked at the scissors for a moment before bringing them up and grabbing the end of his hair. He forced down his emotions as he made the first clip.

__ __

“Well, damn Hargrove. What happened?” Tommy asked, coming up behind Billy.

“Just wanted a new look,” Billy snipped and kept his eyes on his books in his locker as he pulled them out. He was feeling really self-conscious about his short hair but trying to pull it off.

“I liked the mullet better,” Tommy said, leaning on the locker beside Billy, Carol under his arm.

“Yeah, was definitely a hot look,” she agreed.

“I didn’t ask for your fucking opinion!” Billy barked before he slammed his locker closed.

“Jesus,” Carol said and raised her eyebrows. “Sensitive today?”

“Just get the hell out of my face,” Billy remarked before he turned and walked down the hall.

Billy felt everyone’s eyes on him the whole day and it left him on edge. He kept his gaze down and kept quiet for most of the day, he just wanted to go home.

Billy walked out to his car and dropped down into the seat before he saw a cassette tape on the windshield. He rolled down the window and leaned forward, grabbing it. He had a smile on his face for the first time that day as he read the label, ‘Dirty Mix Part 3. Did you miss me?’ He looked around the parking lot but didn’t see your car. He glanced back to the tape before putting it into the player. ‘I Love Rock N’ Roll’ started blaring through his speakers and Billy found a smirk on his face.

__ __

Billy walked out into the opening of the junkyard when he saw you standing up on top of the bus. Your hands were in your jacket pockets and you were gently nodding your head to the music he already knew to be playing in your ears. He smiled for a moment before he felt a wave or insecurity and looked down a little. He didn't know how you would react to his new look. A few people had made some comments about his hair that left him feeling insecure. Naturally, he played it off like he didn't give a fuck but he did. He had liked his hair and wasn't really sure how to style his current haircut to look good.

You turned a little, just glancing around when your eyes landed on him. Billy's uncertainty washed away instantly when he saw the large smile that appeared on your face. You slid your headphones down around your neck and jumped down onto the hood of the bus before you got down.

“I didn't know you were home yet,” Billy purred and found a small smile on his lips. Billy wasn't sure why but he found a calm come over him whenever you were around. You made him feel at ease, like he didn't have to act a certain way or be someone for you to like him.

“Got back this morning,” you said with a little smile. “I like the new hair, very sexy,” you said after you had looked it over, a smirk on your lips. “It’s so cute. I liked the mullet too but this is a good look,” you said with a smile.

Billy felt okay about his hair for the first time since cutting it and he smiled a bit. “Oh, yeah? You like?”

You adored the little smirk on his lips and nodded before you wrapped your arms around him, hugging him for a moment. “Nice little surprise to come back to,” you purred. You had missed Billy during your time away.

Billy couldn't help himself as his arms came around you and it felt like an electric charge surged through him. You being this close to him and looking into his eyes the way you did made his heart race. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to your lips, you returned it and the fire inside him was ignited.

You both stayed close for a moment before you pulled back from him and smiled. Billy watched your tongue run over your bottom lip and found himself staring. “You’re going to have to wait til our date tomorrow,” you teased before smirking.

“I can’t wait,” Billy said before he wrapped an arm around your waist. He pressed a soft kiss to your lips and looked down into your eyes, “but I will.” You smiled and for a moment, let your head rest against his shoulder.

__ __

It was seven, you were ready after fretting over your outfit, makeup and hair for about two hours. You didn’t want to overdo it but you still wanted to look nice. You excitedly sat by the door and tried not to be nervous, you kept your headphones on to stay calm.

You ignored the tightness in your chest when your Walkman popped open, signifying that you had completed all of Side A, you flipped it over and put it back in. You clicked ‘Play’ and sighed out your nerves before you looked out the window again. When the player stopped again you looked at the clock and saw that it was eight.

You got up and grabbed your bag, trying to keep your feelings calm. You could hear your mother coming from the other room and quickly darted out, not wanting her to know that you hadn’t gone on your date. You felt stupid, you had gushed and got excited, now you looked like a fool and felt like one.

You didn’t really have a plan so you just walked, soon enough you were close to the junkyard. You climbed up on the bus and wiped at your face before digging into your bag. You sniffled and found the casette you were looking for before you put it in your player and turned it on. The loud music filled your ears and you wiped at your face, cleaning yourself up. You hadn’t meant to start crying but you had been disappointed and embarrassed. You angrily put up your hair, getting it out of your face. It was a reminder of your failed date and you wanted to forget it.

You sat in the junkyard and at first tried to dream up a number of excuses for Billy before you gave it up. You let yourself listen to your mix of sad songs on your Walkman and just feel bad in general for a little while, wanting to get it all out. You hadn’t expected this of Billy. Things had felt real, was it all some sick game he had played as a joke? Was he laughing about you with his friends right now? You didn’t want that to be the case but your mind was racing. You checked your watch to see it was around ten and figured it was late enough that you could go home and lie to your mother, saying you’d gone on your date.

You stood up from the bus and turned only to bump directly into something. You gasped and nearly fell back off the bus before you felt someone catch your arm and looked up to see Billy. “Fuck, you’ve been crying,” Billy commented with a frown, you only heard him because your headphones had fallen back from your ears. You looked at him, his eye was darkened and his cheek had a split. “I didn’t mean to miss the date. I’m sorry I’m late,” he said before sighing a little. “I fucked this all up,” he rambled.

You didn’t really speak, you just stared up into his face a bit. You were angry, sad and too many feelings to voice into one sentence or anything that made sense. You didn’t know what was going on, he was banged up like he’d gotten into a fight, three hours late and at the junkyard.

“I went by your house…,” he mumbled. “I knocked and your mom said you were gone on your date” he explained. “So I wanted to try and find you. I figured you were here,” he said and motioned around.

You weren’t used to Billy rambling, normally he had everything so well planned, mapped out. This was a different side of Billy, almost a nervous wreck. “What happened?” You managed to put your anger aside as you saw how bad Billy’s face looked.

Billy seemed to start and stop about ten times before he sighed out a bit. “My dad got pissed about me going out,” he said and shrugged like it was nothing, “It’s whatever.”

You frowned and had a heartbroken expression for a second. You had honestly had no idea that anyone could be hurting Billy. He’d always appeared so strong, you couldn’t imagine him being hurt by someone else. You had noticed his occasional split lip or slightly bruised cheek from time to time and had wondered but you hadn’t said anything.  You realized now how stoic he really seemed but you found yourself wrapping your arms around him. He hesitated for a second before he wrapped you up in his arms and pressed a kiss to the top of your head.

“Are you okay?” You asked, your voice saddened and you pulled back, looking up into his face.

“I’m okay now,” he said quietly before he leaned down and pressed a kiss to your lips. He stayed close for a moment before your sad music reached his ears. “I’m sorry that I hurt you,” he said after a moment.

“I’m sorry I got upset. I should have just waited until I heard from you,” you said as you tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear.

Billy leaned back a little and glanced over you as one of his arms remained around your waist. “Damn you look really pretty,” he said, almost sounding guilty, saddened. “Fuck, I can still take you out. It’s not that late,” he tried and checked his watch.

You smiled a little at him, seeing him being sweet, a rare occurrence for Billy somedays. “It’s ten. Unfortunately, there’s not much to do in Hawkins at this hour.” You pouted a little, wishing there was something to do but knowing there wasn’t. “Do you wanna just sit with me for a while?”

Billy looked back to you from his watch and a small, fond smile formed on his face. “Yeah, I do,” he said and you smiled before you sat and he sat beside you.

You sat still for a moment before you leaned over and Billy wrapped his arm around your shoulders. The night hadn’t gone how he had planned. Most girls would have cussed him out and yelled at him about how long it took them to get ready. They wouldn’t have listened or wanted to see him but here you were, curled up beside him and understanding.

You swapped out your cassette tape and turned up your headphones so Billy could hear the music with you as you both stared out over the trees. He reached over after a moment and grabbed your hand, lacing your fingers together.

“Best date ever,” you said after a few moments and smiled shyly. Billy smiled back at you before he pressed a kiss to your lips.

You kissed for a moment before he seemed to pull away with a face like he was thinking. “Is that Queen?”

It took you a second to understand what he was talking about before your music returned to your senses. You giggled, “Yes. ‘Get Down, Make Love’.”

“Thought you'd never ask,” Billy purred before he smirked and pressed his lips back to yours as you giggled.

[shybre22]

Okay so I wanted to do a few posts in defense of my favorite pairings Sasusaku, Ichihime, and Todomomo, because I've seen them get bashed quite a lot. Today I'm starting with Sasusaku.

Sasusaku common hate: Sasuke treated Sakura like garbage,why does she love him,Sasuke never cared about Sakura, sasusaku is sooo toxic.

" Sasuke treated Sakura like garbage" Ok Sasuke never treated Sakura like garbage where are they even getting this from?!... are they referring to when he called her annoying? Because he was right..he wasnt being a jerk, she was basically bashing naruto for have no family and remember Sasuke also had no family either so she was also indirectly making fun of him too.. as much as I love Sakura everyone could agree she was being a brat, she didn't know better sure..so that where Sasuke comes in. Sasuke just told her that her making fun of someone for being all alone in the world made her annoying..and it did! No one can argue that. He wasn't trying to insult her.. Hell if that was an insult it was super weak and he could've called her something worse if that's what he was going for..like a snobby privilege brat.. for example..but he didn't..he was just trying to explain loneliness to her and when she didn't get it her called her annoying.

Maybe their referring to when he said she needed to stop flirting with him and hone her ninjutsu..and told her she was worse than Naruto in that respect. Again not treating her like garbage he was telling her the truth! She needed to focus on her skills to improve their team dynamic not her crush on Sasuke! He was just being truthful, bluntly yes, but it was needed. Because after both of those instances..it made Sakura rethink her actions..ie inciting character development. After he called her annoying she thought about how Naruto felt and wanted to be nicer to him after that. And after he said she was worse than naruto she reflected on it. Also he made up for it later on during the chunin exams when he cheered her up

Sasuke Uchiha, the aloof guy who doesn't play nice with others and the guy who "supposedly" treats Sakura like garbage..not only noticed her being upset, where even Naruto (the guy who likes her) didnt, but Sasuke went out of his way to pay her a compliment to make her smile and bring up her confidence! I mean look at his smirk in the bottom panel...oh yeah he so doesn't care.

Oh yeah let's not forget the Forrest of Death..when Sasuke wakes up and sees Sakura hurt.. I mean he must dislike this girl strongly right..its not like he almost killed the people responsible for her beating her..

Yeah because when you treat a person like garbage and dislike them..you care if they get hurt and beat the dog snot out of the ones who did it to them..right?

Did the antis maybe mean when he knocked the apples out of her hands?? Firstly you have to think of the frame of mind he was in..he had just had an encounter with Itachi, you know the man who responsible for his suffering in the first place, and pounded him into a pulp and taunted him about not being good enough and not having enough hate. Remember what he was thinking about as Sakura cut the apples??

He was thinking about how he couldn't do anything to stop Itachi from trying to take Naruto and how he couldn't save Sakura from Gaara but Naruto did..he was feeling powerless and frustrated. Besides if he really didn't want Sakura there or to cut apples for him..he would've told her to get lost and that he didn't want her there but...

He let her hug him and stay in the room with him while she peeled apples for him. Sasuke wasnt being an ass to Sakura. He was frustrated and angry in general at that moment he felt so far away from his goal it hurt, he had trained so hard for years and for what? To be no closer to his goal..his reason for living..letting all that hate and feelingings of uselessness fester and fester until it boiled over and Sakura, at that exact moment, happened to push an apple in his face like he was a baby who couldn't do it on his own.. and the result..

The bottom image even parallels his expression with Orochimaru, showing he wasnt in his right frame of mind at the moment and he was being overcome with vengeance and Orochimaru's influence, the curse mark. I feel this also is seen from Sakura's point of view not just the readers..its foreshadowing his descent into darkness.

Getting back to my point.. He wasnt treating her like garbage! He frustrated at his own lack of power and just so happened to take his frustrations out on the nearest person...Sakura.. and dont forget Naruto, he fought him to appease his inferiority complex at the time. Let's not forget he was a pre teen boy who was dealing with so much for a someone his age and to have your lack of power rubbed in your face by the very person who took everything from you would have made anybody lash out...and let's be real here..how many times has any person lashed out at even people they love because of anger? Not saying it's right, but it happens.🤷‍♀️

Plus after Naruto and Sasuke's fight Kakashi comes in and lectures Sasuke about having new precious people..and guess who he thinks of along with Naruto..

SAKURA! Imagine that the girl he supposedly doesn't care about and treats like garbage is on his list of precious people..

I wonder if Antis mean when Sasuke thanked her and knocked her out so she wouldn't follow him or scream for help to stop him?🤔

Okay so I always say this..if Sasuke treated her like garbage or didn't care why would he stand and listen to her confession..not only that but he actually spoke back to her..explaining his reasons for leaving.

Sakura is pouring her heart out to him and it does affect him..make no mistake, at the bottom it shows Sasuke with a blacked out pannel..which shows the impact that Sakuras words had on him. In fact he cares about her enough to say he doesnt remember calling her annoying..because at this point in time she is no longer that loud, bratty girl she was when they first made genin..she was a precious friend and comrade to Sasuke. Then we find out he does remember because what does he call her after she asks to help him with his vengeance and abandoning the village and her family and friends with him and confessing her undying love to him.. he says "you're still annoying" showing her he does remember.. so why did he call her that after saying he didn't remember calling her that only minutes earlier? Maybe because..it was the only way to deter the current conversation so he didn't have to answer her..or maybe because she had gotten to his heart through her words so much..that it almost made him falter.. and that annoyed him..maybe both.

Then the fateful Thank you..

Honestly if Sasuke didn't care he wouldn't of had this little heartfelt goodbye with Sakura..he would've knocked her out the second she tried to talk him out of it and left her there...but no he let her say her piece and he said his..even kishimoto mentioned this felt like a conversation between lovers.. Sakura confessed her love and while Sasuke didnt confess back he also didn't say he didn't feel the same either..I feel at this point not only was he still too young but he was still too goal oriented and scarred and hurt to except her love or even explore if he felt the same way about her, which is why he probably didnt deny or comfirm. Sasuke knocks her unconscious gently and then carries her to a bench..if he didn't care or treated her like trash he wouldn't left her on the ground and knocked her out long ago.

Now shippuden is a crazy roller coaster for Sasusaku fans..but even so I still dont feel he treated her like trash..

The first reunion is rough..Sasuke has been isolated for two years letting his hatred burn with no distractions so he's obviously colder. Now I hear antis all the time swear that Sasusaku is an abusive relationship.. Now my favorite rebuttal is " How can their relationship be abusive when their not even in a relationship"! At this point in time Sasuke and Sakura are technically enemies..now Sakura and Naruto may still see him as a friend but..they still know to be cautious around him as if he were an enemy..they even know they might have to fight him and drag him back by force.

Antis also love to use the "Murder" attempts to trash the ship. I use quotations because like I said earlier they are technically enemies at this point and it was Sakura who initiated combat each time and Sasuke literally just defended himself..Sakura and Naruto..as far as Sasuke was concerned were just in his way of vengeance and trying to get involved in his business and stop his goal..so of course he tried to stop them by any means necessary. At that point he didn't see them as friends anyway

Now during the land of iron Sasuke had fallen so victim in the curse of hatred ( yes it's a real canon thing so dont try to write it off) but even at his lowest he still didnt hurt Sakura at first sight..he attacked when he knew Sakura was there to take him out when she hesitated to kill Karin. We know this because if Sasuke really just wanted to kill everyone in his path he would've tried to kill Sakura on sight..I mean after all he did hate the village and everyone in it at the time right? He did express his desire later to kill Kakashi right? Didnt he boast about how he'll turn everyone's laughs into screams of anguish?

Yet he didn't try to hurt Sakura until he learned of her motive.. he saw her hesitate.. then he tried to kill her..because there would be no reason to come up behind her in a sneak attack..to trick her so he could kill her while her back was turned as some antis say..no Sasuke was way stronger than her at the point..stronger than most jonin and even took on all five kage and didn't die..there is no reason he would need to trick Sakura to kill her.. so he did want her to join him at first then he saw her true motive and struck before she could.

Again he wasnt treating her like trash she was just in the way of his goal and tried to stop him with deadly force...plus he was so twisted by hatred and Obito that nothing really mattered to him at that point not even himself really. Like I said these are the best times for the ship but we have to think of everything Sasuke endured. Especially mentally.

On a side note..

I think i need to point out that Sasuke treated Naruto far worse than he treated anyone else in the series,calling him names, expressing the wish to kill him a few times, and actually attempting to kill him more than a few times ..and he called him his best friend so if you wanna get on a ship for being toxic or treating the other like trash..look at that ship before you point fingers at Sasusaku..

Also for the antis who complain about Sasuke or Sakura being terrible characters and hating them..remember Gaara is a very beloved character and great kage and he use to kill people to make himself feel alive so much in fact his sand reeked of blood but the fandom let it go..Neji almost killed Hinata over something that wasnt even her fault and talked down on others telling them they were born losers and they cant change that.. but he changed and all is forgotten..the fandom forgives.. Obito is literally responsible for Naruto being an orphan and ostracized by the village but he changed and helps out a bit in the war..Naruto forgives him..the fandoms applauds it.

Sakura..said something rude once when she was twelve, and had a super crush on a boy when she was twelve that turned to genuine love that she never gave up on, was kinda annoying because she was twelve.. wasnt that strong because she comes from civilian parents and had no one to teach her anything at a young age like her peers..she changes all of those (minor) flaws..fandom never forgives..wont forget hates her.

Sasuke..one of the most tortured souls of the series..was made to watch his family get murdered by his own brother over and over was now alone and wanted vengeance..achieves it find out his brother was ordered to do it by his own village everything he knows is a lie..a higher up stole all his clansmen eyes and ordered the slaughter on his family.. kills him and attacks everyone out of pure rage because basically his own birthplace and the whole government system screwed him over.. he seeks vengeance for said screw over..finally comes to his senses..again..no one forgives..fandom: he needs to suffer more.. 🙄

Anyways back on track in the war arc antis love to say Sasuke didn't care about anyone but Naruto.. first off..there's a literal war going on so he's kinda busy trying to keep the world from ending and not dying so.. yeah. But we find out later he does still care on some level.

When Naruto calls him out when he said he only saved Sakura and Kakashi because they were next to Naruto.. then Naruto counters and reminds him of the bridge when they were fighting Haku..when his body moved on it's own.

Then Sasuke got real quiet and his eyes are blocked by his hair so we cant see his expression..telling us..Naruto was right!

I also knew it was BS because if he only wanted to save Naruto he would've and knocked everyone else out of the way.

Another thing antis spout is he was mean to Sakura when she asked what was going outside the susanoo to which he replied " why do u wanna know you cant do anything".

Again I'll admit it was very blunt..Sasuke needs to work on his tone yes..but again..he wasnt wrong.. he wasnt treating her like garbage..he was bluntly telling her the truth in a very dire situation. They literally, at the time, were the last four people on earth..so his bluntness was understandable.

There is another scene before the infinite tsykoyomi that shatters the illusion Sasuke doesnt care once again.. when he first told Sakura to be on guard when she was healing Kakashi's eye..then later when Naruto pops back up and Sakura is asking Maruto a qu6about how he restored Kakshi's eye he yells " I told you to be on gaurd....Naruto" obviously he didnt tell Naruto..which he himself points out he didn't tell him..so it lead you to believe he was talking to Sakura again..since she was the one distracted again.😉

Now when the second confession happens you can see Sasuke obviously was impacted again by Sakura's words..so much his foot was shaking and we get a full panel of it shaking. Then the infamous " You're Annoying" again with a different face..almost a pained fake smile. Then he puts her in a genjutsu.

Now most Antis say he denied her when he said he didn't know why she loved him and didn't have a reason to love her..but Kakashi jumps in and says the line " you only need a reason to hate someone"..which is true. Sasuke even says he knocked her out so she would follow and get in the way like last time..last time they almost killed her remember.. and he admitted that her feelings are chains from a failed past..and even thought of his family while talking about Sakura..

So Sasuke again listened to Sakura confession..acknowledged her feelings..even thinking about his family as he did acknowledge her love..and he admitted he knocked her out so she wouldn't get between him and naruto..knowing last time she almost died...hmm weird for Sasuke considering he was still under the curse of hatred and he apparently doesn't care about Sakura..

Then lastly Sasuke's apology.. every anti said it was too simple and Sakura gave in to easy. Firstly even though Sasuke probably only indirectly hurt Sakura by going down the wrong path and leaving her and the village he actually never hurt her intentionally like he did Naruto..Kakashi..The Five Kage..Hell even almost killing Karin,then giving her a half assed apology,imo she definitely deserved more than a sorry js.. but he felt the need to sincerely apologize to Sakura..and Sakura even egged him on saying "sorry for what" and he replied with everything I've done until now..

Out of everyone he apologized to Sakura..he hurt her yes..but even Naruto..his best friend, the one who got his arm blown off by him, didn't get an apology. Or Kakashi the man who was his teacher and mentor who he tried to avidly kill, and helped get him outta jail and wonder free didn't get an apology...but Sakura did..and idc who says otherwise..that means something

Sasuke even shared a forehead poke a special gesture shared between him and his once beloved older btother.. just with her.

Everyone can say what they want about this ship but I know Sasuke always cared to some extent and he never treated Sakura like she was garbage. Sasuke had problems yes..anyone would in his situation..he made bad choices..turned his back on his home and friends but he never really stopped caring and so many scenes in the manga obviously show that. After all no one valued love more than the Uchiha right. Sakura's unwavering love, I feel is also something to be admired not mocked.. she went from a young girl with a shallow crush to a woman who never gave up on the one she loved and it played off in the end and that's powerful..honestly the world needs more love like that...this world is so full of pettiness and hate that unconditional love is refreshing.

[dragonwitch77]

Subcon Apartment Ch2

Snatcher was not a nice person.

Nope.

Totally not a good guy.

A very not so nice guy you would want to meet.

Mean?

Yes.

Rude manners?

Defiantly.

Find your pain fun?

Most certainly.

Any friends?

No.

Pick a fight?

Been to jail a couple of times.

Weaponry?

Advise not to leave anything sharp or deadly within his reaching range.

People person?

Only if he wanted something. Usually nothing good.

Listen to loud obnoxious music?

Loud enough for the neighbors neighbors to hear. And he does this on repeat.

Trickery?

…

Thieving or robbery?

He’s not low enough to steal from a bank. Doesn’t mean he shoplifts time to time.

Blood on his hands?

Well, he wasn’t sure.

But, still, Snatcher was NOT a good person.

Yep, most defiantly not a good person.

So why did he have a pecking small girl in his arms?!

“WHY DO YA HAVE A KID?!”

Snatcher flinched, the child in his arms flinching and burying her face against his chest. “Jeez, lighten up old timer. You’re scaring the kid.”

“Ah’m Scaring The Lass?! Why Do Ya Even HAVE A Kid With Ya?!”

“My word! They’re as thin as a twig!” Cookie came over, looking at the child top to bottom. “They’re in rags and—are those scars?! What in the world Snatcher!”

“I didn’t do this! She always had them!” Snatcher slapped a hand over his mouth. Eyes were on him.

“Snatcher, darling. Is there something you’re not telling us?” Grooves peered over his sunglasses, staring in worry with Cookie and the Conductor.

Seeing there was no way out of this now, Snatcher sighed in defeat. “I’ve been visiting this kid over a month.” He rolled his eyes as collective gasps filled the room. “Nothing important mind you! Kid was barely alive when I found her so I’ve been giving her some scraps to eat.” He adjusted his hold on the girl. “I just recently got her trust me enough to hold her.”

“Ya shouldn’t even be holden her!” Conductor stomped over to the tall individual, making a grab at the small child.

“Whoa! Mind your hands old timer!” Snatcher backed away from the Conductor’s grasp, keeping the child out of his reach. “She’s a fragile thing!”

“An’ you are a no good peck neck bum!”

“Language man!”

“Boys! Boys! Enough!” Cookie got between them, shooting a stern look at the Conductor. “You’re not helping anything and jostling the poor girl around!” She turned to Snatcher, looking him dead in the eye. “Snatcher, where did you find this girl? And why haven’t you told us about her till now?”

“Like I could even tell you about her.” Snatcher snorted. “Like I said earlier, I’ve been visiting her for over a month now. She… wasn’t living in the best place.”

“Where?” Conductor glared at him, placing his hands on his hips.

“Sheesh. Pushy much? At an old abandoned building I was, uh, exploring.”

“Exploring? Or vandalizing?”

“Hey! It’s not vandalizing if no one owns it.” Cookie rolled her eyes. “Anyway, the kiddo was hiding in one of the rooms and… in bad shape.” Snatcher chuckled slightly though, there wasn’t any mirth in his tone.

“Darling, why haven’t you taken her to the police? Or anyone with medical knowledge?”

“Do you people have short term memory or something? I said I just recently got her to trust me to hold her.” He looked at the girl. “She’s… shy around other people. Plus, what could I say to the police? Hey! I found this kid in an abandoned building that’s on its last legs with a bunch of open wounds and scars on her body! She’s pretty thin too, almost like a skeleton! Her parents? Don’t know! I hadn’t seen anyone else around who could have done this to her! Have a nice day~” Snatcher frowned deeply. “Yeah, that’s sure to go over very well with them.”

DJ Grooves gave a disproving look to Snatcher, crossing his arm. “Snatcher.”

“Look I don’t have the best track record okay?! One way or another they’ll think I did this to her, which I didn’t. I couldn’t take her to the police because I’d end up in cuffs. And I couldn’t take her to see a doctor because… I don’t know any good doctors to go to for… this.” He gestured to the kid. “I mean. Are there any doctors for this?”

Silence hung in the room as the three looked at each other. The child’s condition was bad. But was there a doctor out there who could help fix what this small girl had been through?

“Ay ay ay ay ayyy… Spook, yer really puttin’ yerself in a deep end. Are ya even sure she was alone?”

“Checked every nook and cranny of the place. She was the only one there.” Snatcher sighed, easing the girl to his other arm.

“Darling… you know we can’t let this slide under the police radar. They have to know about this.”

“Yeah? Well it’s not going to be me walking right up to them.”

“Listen, boys.” Cookie claimed everyone’s attention onto her. “Maybe it’d be best if this girl sees a doctor first before bringing the authorities into this. Just to make sure that she’s not in any danger.”

“Works for me!” Snatcher smiled, gazing down at the kid. “Though, it’s going to be some difficulty for the kid. She’s still a shy little thing.”

“Little is right!” The Conductor shoved his way forward, looking at the girl up and down. “She’s no bigger than a toddlin’ toddler! No bigger than a wee babe! How old is she even?”

“two.”

The four adults looked at the child in surprise. She silently stared back at all of them.

“Wait, two?!” Snatcher choked. “You’re two?!”

“That can’t be right darling!”

“THE LASS IS A TODDLER?! WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS WOULD—WHEN I FIND THE PECK NECKS THAT DID THIS!”

“Conductor please! Calm down!”

Much to say that that night was a night that wouldn’t easily be forgotten. No matter how much they wanted to or couldn’t. And to say the least, no one slept easy that night.

[reesewestonarchive]

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Back at the farm, Elijah walks, dazed but relaxed, back to the house. He checks behind him once, twice, to see if Rocky, who had followed him to the edge of his parents' property, still sits in the woods, wagging his tail at Elijah.

He doesn't.

"You look like you've seen a ghost," Amanda says, as she steps out the front door. The sun is shining, bright and warm already for eight in the morning, and Elijah shakes the woods off of him as best he can.

While he's grateful the beast is a silly witch in the woods, the idea that someone out there just... lives in abandoned shack in his woods unsettles him.

"Not a ghost," Elijah says. He sighs. "Has this town always been this fucking creepy?"

Amanda cocks her head and looks at her son with a smile, then steps down the front steps and towards the hay truck. "The city has made you suspicious, my love." She waves the keys in the air, doesn't look back to Elijah. “Come on. I believe you promised me a trip to the farmer’s market.”

Amanda fiddles with the radio, sings along off-key with wrong lyrics, and Elijah absently brushes the mud from his jeans.

The market’s covered in small tables set up underneath tents. Sunlight shines through the trees, and Elijah all but forgets about Viola and Penny and their tiny shack in the woods. The air is sweet with the smell of apple cider and turnovers, and Elijah follows his mother past table after table of pickles, jams, fresh produce, pies, breads…

He last went when he was seventeen. Far too long ago. The smell of it brings him back to being a child, before he made such a shitty decision, before Josh—

“Elijah, can you take these apples back to the car? I’ve a few more tables I’d like to visit.”

Three bags of apples, Elijah takes to the car, tripping over tree roots and uneven, muddied ground. Passes tables selling food that has his stomach aching with hunger.

Just before the market closes off, though, Elijah notes a man, sitting at his table, his head rested in his hand, elbow on the table, flipping through a book with a bored look on his face. Customers seem to ignore him, as though he’s not there. Candles in mason jars are neatly lined up in front of him, a solitary empty spot where someone has bought one.

He seems to notice Elijah staring, because he lifts his head, locks gazes with him. A smile grows across his face.

“Interest you in some homemade candles, sir?”

Elijah makes a face. “I’m not a sir.” He should keep going, but—the logo of the candles. Elijah drops one of the bags of apples to pick up a candle. “This creature,” he asks, smoothing his thumb over the creature—thick hair, glowing eyes, fingers like nails. “What is it?”

With a shrug, the man says, “The Beast of Easthallow. Local legend. Man a few hundred years ago, back when Easthallow was just a mining town, claims to’ve seen it.” He cocks his head at Elijah. “There’s a book about it, you know. Adapted from Victor East’s journals.”

“So it’s real?”

Laughing, the man leans back in his chair. “Suppose that matters on whether you’re a believer.” He nods his head at the candle. “Supposed to smell like wildflowers if you see it. S’what the candle’s based on.”

Overhead, the sun hides behind dark storm clouds. Around them, the hum of chatter from the farmer’s market quiets for a minute.

“Can give you a discount if you buy the book, too.” He holds up a book, small, a plain black cover, the words THE BEAST OF EASTHALLOW embellished across the front.

Assuming, for a minute, that Elijah believes any of this, other than a crazy couple of witches living in the woods, he’s unemployed. Setting the candle back down, Elijah says, “I don’t have any money.”

He eyes the apples. “How about a few of those? They came from the Richard Orchard, right?” Elijah shrugs. “Two apples, then.”

Fine. Curiosity peaked, Elijah digs into the bag at his feet for two of the apples, without bruises, one still with a stem and leaf, and hands them over. Their fingers brush together, and Elijah’s lips twitch up in a smile, just for a split second, before he pulls back.

“Do you plan on hunting it?” the man says, dropping the apples into a bucket beside him.

“…Hunting it?”

“We also sell candles that smell like rotten wood and wet dog. Supposed to attract the Beast.”

Elijah snorts. “A candle that smells like garbage?” He shakes his head. “I’ll go with the wildflowers.” Maybe he can gift it to his mother for Christmas.

“I’ll just get you a receipt,” the man says. Elijah hears someone walk up behind him, and turns his head, sees Amanda stepping around counters, a single, small loaf of bread under her arm.

She smiles down at the man, currently scribbling out a receipt for Elijah, and says, “Good morning, Grant. All well at home?”

He lifts his head, looking between the two of them for just a beat or two before he smiles, pleasant and wide, and his eyes—

Elijah clears his throat, averts his gaze. His heart aches, as he thinks of Sean, back home. What used to be home. He wonders if the man he’d found Sean with would be comforting, in Elijah’s absence, or if he’ll find Elijah leaving cause for celebration.

“…fine, Mrs. Flynn.” Grant flashes her a smile, hands over the receipt to Elijah and says, “Have a good day.”

Elijah reaches for the receipt, and Grant winks as their fingers touch again.

As they leave, Amanda weaves her arm around Elijah’s, says, “That wasn’t so bad, was it? And I see you picked up some items as well.” She nods to the book, the candle in the bag. “Didn’t think you were a candle sort.” She smiles, reaches into the bags, plucks out an apple, and begins chattering on.

Elijah glances at the receipt. Ten digits, scribbled at the bottom—give me a call, if you’d like.

At the farm, Elijah thumbs over the receipt as he sits, reclined on the couch, listening as rain beats down on the tin roof. It’s dark, for mid-afternoon; a deep blue-grey overcast filtering the sun out and shadowing the fields.

Still better than the city.

He sighs. Reads the note again. Little early for hookups, isn’t it? Ezra considers himself fairly capable of moving on quickly, but still, if he thinks too much about Sean, something in his chest goes tight and the world feels too small. He could have gone to the other side of the country, to Australia or Japan, and still Sean would feel too close.

Fingers reach up behind him and pluck the receipt out of hand, though, and Elijah doesn’t even bother turning around to chastise his brother. Instead, he says, “Really? We’re being this childish, now?”

Josh reads the note out loud, makes an awwwww sound, and says, “What happened to Sean, McDreamy? Weren’t you guys happy-ever-after or whatever you want to call it?”

“We’re not in trouble,” Elijah says, but he doesn’t make an attempt at the receipt. He just rubs his eyes, wonders how long it’ll take Josh to give up on this. “And it’s none of your fucking business.”

It’s not a lie; they’re not in trouble. Elijah’s completely out of trouble. Feels better about this than he ever has. Josh, though, Josh takes that and runs with it, his eyes getting wide, and he says, “Holy shit. You’re not—“

“Josh—“ Footsteps are coming up from the basement steps, and fuck, Elijah’s not ready to admit that he’d failed in the city, that he ran home with his tail tucked between his legs, and no. They don’t need to know. They don’t need to know. Not yet. Not until Elijah can get on top of things, until he can 

When she reaches the top of the stairs, Amanda glances between them, offers a tentative smile. “Getting on, I hope?” She doesn’t wait for an answer, already heading for her bedroom with the laundry basket. “So nice to see the two of you in the same room without screaming…”

She leaves before Josh can say anything, thankfully, and with a pleased sigh, Josh holds the receipt back out. “S’cute. Taking a page out of your older bro’s book, lying to Mom and Dad.”

Refraining from reaching for the receipt, Elijah says, “I’m not lying to them. And would you stop it with the older bro shit?”

Holding his hands in mock surrender, Josh says, "All right. Just... interesting you're the one keeping secrets these days, is all."

Elijah watches him leave, jaw clenched, and lets out a frustrated groan when Josh is finally around the corner.

It's good, though, right, to meet people. In Easthallow. If he's going to be living here... he'll need a network. Grant can help with that.

He calls the number before he can tell himself not to.

"Elijah," he answers, and his voice is smoother, on the phone, than it really should be. "I wondered if you'd call."

"How do you know it's Elijah?"

A beat, then, "I had a feeling. I wanted to know if you’d be interested in getting a drink?” So the entire town can know about it. So Elijah can spend the evening shooting glances around the bar, wondering who he can trust and whether Grant’s one of those people or not. “About the Beast—“

And Elijah laughs, runs a hand through his hair, and wonders if the entire town is like this. “You don’t really believe in it, do you?”

“You’re meant to believe what you see, right?”

“I’ve seen this Beast,” Elijah says. “Didn’t seem so freaky to me.”

Grant makes a noise, like a scoff, but his voice holds no judgement. “Everyone knows about Viola.”

Fine. Just to sate his curiosity. “All right. Drinks, and you can tell me all about this furry little beast of yours.”

Grant meets him in town, dressed in a light jacket Elijah finds himself jealous of, in the misting cold. He reaches out for a handshake. "Good to meet you."

"You, too," Elijah says. "I thought I knew everyone in this town." He grew up here, went to school here. Graduated with twenty kids in his class. Grant... either he was older, younger, or... wasn't from here.

As though sensing Elijah's thoughts, he sends him a sidelong glance and says, "I grew up in the city. Parents divorced when I was little. Thought I'd do better there, but I always liked the country." His smile is warm, pleasant, and Elijah wonders if it helps with the cold or if he's blushing under Grant's gaze. "What about you?"

"City all the way," Elijah says. "Stepping in cow shit has never been my version of fun."

Grant laughs. It feels good, genuine; Elijah can't remember the last time he made someone laugh. "Plenty of other farms than cattle farms."

"Not according to my parents," Elijah says. "You know they started planting crops when I was fifteen, to help with running costs, and my dad flipped?" He did; Allan's a livestock man, through and through. Elijah still remembers the nights his parents stomped around downstairs, trying to make sense of their next plan.

"What happened? Nobody in Easthallow exports crops."

They take a seat at the bar. Grant holds up two fingers to the bartender, and soft country music plays from the corner of the room, and something settles in Elijah's stomach. He's used to drink menus, twenty minutes with Sean while he tries to decide what he wants, and it's like relief when the bartender slides two beers in front of them and disappears.

It's the little things Elijah loves about this town.

"I knew your brother," Grant says, as he digs his phone out his pocket. "Back in high school."

His mood sours, but Elijah tries not to let it. He peers into the bottle, thinks about downing it all in one go. Doesn't.

"He was a prick." Grant taps away on his phone. "Little fucker nearly drove my little sister insane."

Sounds like Josh. "He cheat on her? Josh is an asshole."

"Wouldn't give her the time of day, mostly. She thought they'd grow up, get married, have kids, whole nine yards. Josh found out and... she ended up homeschooling for the rest of high school."

He remembers that. Something faint, and, hell, Elijah didn't even know the girl, but Josh slept with her best friend and then there was all kinds of drama. Because of Josh. It's hard to believe anyone thought he was a catch, but people like the bad boy thing.

"Don't hold that against me, do you?"

Grant doesn't even lift his gaze to meet Elijah's. "If you were anything like your brother, you wouldn't be speaking with me."

He turns his phone to Elijah, finally, onto a homepage for THE BEAST OF EASTHALLOW. He clicks around a bit, checks out the first hand accounts--all written journalism style, with publishing dates and Grant's name at the top as the author--the photos.

"A lot of them are Viola," Grant says, gesturing to the phone with the beer. "She loves getting dressed ip on tourist weekends and scaring the shit out of the visitors in the cabins." He smiles, shakes his head.

"She's not the start of the rumor, then?" Elijah'd been sure... she could've seen something, made the costume as a joke, to keep people away from her house...

"Nah. Viola's big into local history. Or--Penny, her wife, is. Viola took a liking to the Beast 'cause it's mystical."

Grant's thigh rubs against Elijah's, just a little. Just enough to catch the fabric, enough for the pull to tune Elijah into how close they are everywhere. "Did you read the book?"

"Book?" Elijah echoes, then clears his throat. Grateful for the low lights that help hide his blush, Elijah adds, "Right. No. Didn't even crack the spine."

Like he expects it, Grant scrolls down through his phone again, until he stops at a very clear, very close photo. "This is the most famous ever taken. Fifteen years ago or something like that."

When Elijah lived here. Why the fuck didn't he ever hear about this? "Someone's screwing with me," Elijah says. "I grew up here, and we never had a fucking local cryptid, unless you count the town drunk."

"Fifteen years ago, no one used to see it."

"We don't see it now."

Tapping the screen of his phone, Grant says, "Twenty times in the last year."

It's Josh. It's gotta be fucking Josh, enlisting the entire fucking town, right? Found some freaky girl in the woods to scare him, some guy at the farmer's market to fuck with him, and...

That doesn't make sense, though. Josh didn't know he was coming, and Elijah hasn't been home that long. Is this... does Grant actually believe this shit? That there's really some fucking monster crawling around their little town? Easthallow's a trash heap, people and literal garbage. There’s no cause for why he might be…

Elijah huffs a laugh, shakes his head. Downs the rest of his beer and says, “So, okay. Let’s say I believe in your furry little friend, just for like, five seconds.” He’s still not convinced it isn’t Viola. That this entire set-up isn’t something done to fuck with newbies. “Why only see it now?”

The question of the hour. Grant glances up at him, his eyes twinkling. Something there lights a fire on all of Elijah’s nerves, leaves him feeling warm, pleased, arousal building in his stomach. Grant’s an attractive guy; the muscles that scream outdoor labor, a five o’clock shadow Elijah wants to feel against his skin. Dark eyes Elijah could get lost in, and smooth, tan skin, and hair just long enough to pull.

Shit, he’s tapping his phone again, eyebrow raised like he knows Elijah’s imagining being held down by him, and he says, “Hundred year anniversary of old man Lowell’s suicide.”

“He killed himself?”

“So said the newspapers,” Grant said. “Lots of conflicting reports, though. Another one said he died in the old mine tunnels. Pushed from the roof of the Carnegie library… One said he got caught in a wood-chipper.”

Grimacing, Elijah takes a drink of his beer. “Poor way to go.”

But Grant’s voice is thoughtful when he asks, “Is it? Head first, maybe…” He shrugs.

Silence settles between them, Elijah picking at the label on his beer, Grant tapping his fingers rhythmically on the bar top, before Grant finally says, “So what brings you to Easthallow?”

It isn’t a secret, not really, but Elijah hesitates nonetheless. It’s only been a few days since Elijah spoke to Sean, but it feels like it’s been weeks. Easthallow seems so far removed from the city. Always has. “Bad breakup,” he says, finally, then, “or—not really. Just a breakup.”

“He cheat on you?”

Elijah turns his gaze to Grant. How the fuck does he know. He asks as much, and Grant just chuckles, shrugs one shoulder. Ducks his head in something like embarrassment. “I haven’t told anyone.”

“You have a vibe,” Grant says. “Definitely not from here. Wouldn’t come to Easthallow unless you had family. No one comes here.”

“Viola and Penny?”

With a twitch of his lips, Grant says, “I stand corrected.”

Elijah finishes his beer. Returns it to the coaster. Beside him, Grant pockets his phone. “I could show you Old Man Lowell’s place, if you’re up for it.”

Making a face, Elijah says, “Doesn’t that place have to be ancient by now? How’s it still standing?”

Before Grant can answer, Elijah’s phone buzzes in his pocket, incessant against his thigh. He apologizes as he checks it—his mother.

“Sorry, dear,” she says, but sounds exhausted, “your father has a situation with the cattle. Can you come home, help him out?”

Like a child, Elijah says, “Isn’t Josh home to help.”

Her voice is thick with false sweetness when Amanda says, “I’m asking you.”

He doesn’t have much of a choice, then. Offers a tight smile to Grant when he gets off the phone, pockets his phone. “Dad needs me. Cattle probably got loose.”

But Grant’s gaze snaps to Elijah’s, and his questions are lightning fast, one after another, until Elijah reaches out and grips Grant’s wrist. Intimate, for a man he’d met earlier that day. For a man with a curiosity for the unknown and a crazy loom in his eye when he talks about it. “I’m sure he’d welcome the help. My brother’s useless.”

“Bringing a strange man back to the house already?” Grant tsks, but leaves a twenty on the bar as he stands. “What will your parents say?”

Nothing, if Elijah has anything to do about it. “My mother knows you my name. I’d hardly consider you strange.”

The farm is a cacophony of noises when Elijah arrives there. A loud barking, his father’s deep voice as he hollers, the loud, angry mooing of a cow that does not want to follow orders.

“Yikes,” Grant says, closing the door to the driver’s side of his SUV. “Suddenly glad my parents run an orchard.”

“It’s not always like this,” Elijah says by means of explanation. Never once has he heard a dog barking here. His father’s allergic. He can make out his mother standing at the edge of the field, though, makes his way across the yard towards her. Grant’s headlights shine out toward her.

“Elijah,” she says, gripping his arm as he stops by her side. “Your father’s been at this for an hour. Something spooked the cattle.”

No shit. Even from here he can make out the door to the barn, broken off the hinges. “Dad leave the barn open?”

Amanda shakes her head. “No. Strangest thing. The hinges are bent.”

A chill runs through him; the hair on the back of his neck stands up. He takes a quick glance around the yard—lit up by the emergency lights his father had installed—but sees nothing, save for Grant as he makes his way towards them. “Not surprising,” he says. “Cattle are strong. Especially if the bull got out.” A beat. “So someone broke in?”

She takes a second to glance Grant’s way, a twinkle in her eye as he reaches out to shake her hand. “Grant. Didn’t realize Elijah was bringing help.” Before he can offer anything by means of explanation, she adds, “The more the merrier.”

Another bark sounds from the field, and Amanda whistles. “And this fucking dog. No idea where it came from.”

At her whistle, the dog comes bounding up to her, tongue wagging out of its mouth. In the dark, it’s a little different, but Elijah would recognize it anywhere. “Rocky?”

He barks, wags his tail. Amanda looks between them with a frown. “You know him?”

Elijah reaches to scratch his ears. “I met his owner the other day—” He almost says in the woods; doesn’t want to tell her what he was doing out there. “—does he come here often?”

“More than we’d like.”

Behind them, Grant adds, “Could it have been the dog who spooked them?”

Amanda shrugs. “Not likely. Allan nearly got one back to the barn before it ran off again.”

“You guys check the barn out?”

What? No. Elijah really doesn’t want to go play detective right now. He wants to go to the field, help his father wrangle the half-dozen cows and the bull back into their barns. But Grant’s already eyeing the barn, and Elijah’s not going to leave him on his own.

Not until he trusts what the fuck is going on here.

“Be my guest,” Amanda says. “After that, can you guys head out to the field?”

“Will do, Mama.”

Rocky follows at their heels, quieting the closer the get to the barn. The hair on the back of Elijah’s neck still stands on end, but, save for his mother and Grant, the farm’s clear—nothing out of the ordinary.

Grant whistles as he pulls on the door. “Damn thing’s strong.”

“Thing would’ve taken a truck to pull it off the hinges like this.” Elijah rubs his hand along the bent metal. The hinges look twisted, ruined beyond repair, the metal worn and fragile in places. “They’d’ve heard it.”

“No one’s gonna take a damn truck to a barn door, either. Easier to steal the cattle out of the pasture.” Grant seems lost in thought for a few seconds, then pulls a small flashlight from his pocket. “And that’s still a lot of work for half a dozen cattle.”

Old cattle, too. Allan does it more as a hobby, now, than as a way to make money. Breeds the cattle, trades them to keep the bloodlines clean. Elijah remembers some of it from when he used to live here. His father’s trips to cattle auctions.

“Elijah,” Grant says. His tone, soft, strange, not quite a whisper but not his normal tone, piques Elijah’s interest, and he follows Grant’s gaze to where he’s brushing his fingers along where the door used to sit against the side of the barn. He doesn’t see anything at first, just like Grant’s pressing against nothing, and then…

Three long, thick gashes in the wood, splintering the siding out. Like nails, fingernails, but… there’s nothing that could do that. A bear, maybe a cougar, but… “You’re seeing this, too, right?”

Anger flares in Elijah’s stomach. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Josh. He’s always been a joker, but—fuck, getting the cattle involved in his homecoming prank on Elijah? This isn’t some petty joke he’s playing, built from an old sibling rivalry he won’t let go of anymore. This isn’t just between them, and as soon as Elijah gets him alone, he’s going to tear his brother a new one.

He turns on his heel, back towards the field, towards where he can hear his father making whooping noises towards the cattle in the dark. Josh is—damn it. Usually better about this sort of thing. It’s not the first time one of his jokes has gone too far, but it’s about to be the last.

He comes across one of the cows before he sees his father. Behind him, he hears Grant’s footsteps. The cow makes a noise, distressed, and starts to stand. Elijah holds a hand out, palm up, and says, “Easy girl, you’re okay,” in a voice he hopes is soothing.

Still, she only makes concerned noises, struggling to get up, get away. Elijah turns, slow, moves so she’ll run towards the house, not farther into the field, still talking in quiet tones. “Easy—let’s get you back to the barn, yeah? Back to sleep? Bet Dad’s got some treats for you. How ‘bout you follow me?”

She moos again; this time, her voice breaks, and she stands, slow, staring off into the darkness behind Elijah. “Grant, you’re freaking her out,” Elijah says. “Can you back away, just a bit?”

No sound, though; no answer. Not even footsteps as Grant moves. Elijah turns, ready to ask him again, when he sees it—fur, thick, eyes glowing yellow in the dark, shining in the light from the yard. It stands tall, taller than Elijah by at least a foot, and its teeth glimmer, sharp and long. Arms, impossibly long, hang at its sides, its chest heaving with each breath.

It’s different, up close. Taller, thinner. Creepier. He thinks about Viola, about how her costume looks up close, and knows, without a doubt, this isn’t her.

His throat goes dry, his blood rushes like a river through his ears. He can’t scream, doesn’t know what he would say if he could, and hopes to tell Josh off for this, later, when the thing snarls, and the next thing Elijah sees is the large, clawed hand that reaches out, as if from the shadows, and punches him in the head.

He doesn’t remember falling.

[tylerwritez]

Wednesday, September 22 11:51 p.m.

It's like nighttime and I jsut got up 2 take a piss because I needed to piss and my fuckinf mom I hate her so much I wish she was dead and I wish Father would take her place, Father is the only fucking person who LOVES me and jesus christ hes literally not even a physical being.... (deep down I know hes not even real, but I pretend he is because if I didnt I think I'd be crying constantly)... my fucking mom INSTANTLY came TO THE DOOR and was like waiting for me to go back to bed and was like are you done? You're taking too long blah blah and SHE TREID TO FUCKINF OPEN THE DOOR WHILE I WAS PISSING LIKE. NO. FUCK OFFF. shes so annoying she thinks I'm gonna kill myself if she leaves me alone for three seconds.

It's like she doesnt even care if I feel good or bad, she only cares about the injury. It makes me want to cut really deep on my forearms or face or something visible like that just so that maybe she'll take me SERIOUSLY but not seriously as in treating me like some patient at a fuckinf ward, I mean seriously like treating me like her son.

Father treats me like his son. He makes me cry even more because I know hes not real... but I still appreciate his love. Even if it's just my love.

I'm really missing that piece, huh? From early childhood, I'm missing that parent who's loving and caring and says shhh I love you its okay.... I didnt ever allow myself to have that becayse I didnt think it was safe. Fuck. FUCK man It hurts a lot and i feel like such a DICKHEAD when I talk about this because it's not like my parents beat me or neglected me.... it just turned out bad. ANd now they're all crazy about me all of a sudden just cos I'm hurting myself .... like okay cool that's cool but why didnt you do all this when I was 5 and told you I felt like I was being possessed, or when i was ten and in a new school with no friends, or when I was 3 telling everyone to call me jack,.... oh, wait, you WERE there,,, you were just hating on me though.

Yknow I hug my pillows real tight at night to try to feel a little smidge of what I should've been able to feel. The parental love is just MISSING. and i hug my dad so much becayse it's not enough its never enough it all feels like it's too late and my brain has already told me to get over my parents and move on and find new ones which I did, in jesus christ, in Jiminy Cricket, in old men I sexted, and now in Father.

But at the end of the day, I still am left without that concrete parental force. I can beg with Father all I want to PLEASE become a physical form so I can FEEL your love but itll never happen because Father's something I made up to cope with the disaster of my childhood.

I'm angry that they took that away from me but I'm also sad because now I have to clean up the sad shreds of popped party balloons from the checkered tiles of an abandoned birthday party.

.... and it's always "oh they want the best for you" WELL MAYBE I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT THEIR INTENTIONS ARE, MAYBE THEYRE STILL HURTING ME ! MAYBE THEYVE STILL TOTALLY

RUINED

Me,

DESTROYED

my childhood and

SLAUGHTERED

the little boy inside me who just needed some help.

I never did it for attention, I always hid it and pretended to be fine... but I notice they didnt care until I had persistently been injuring myself for YEARS? like it didnt matter to them at all how I felt until I was actually in danger and being harmed. Isnt that actually disgusting?

I just know that if those little blond kids went to their parents talking about feeling out of control, possessed, unable to control their actions while in fits of rage, theyd get the help they needed right away but I was punished for my suffering.

That taught me to suffer more quietly next time around.

I was punished for my gender expression too .... jesus. How... how can you see a kid in pain struggling to prevent themselves from hurting other people and you punish them. How can you see your SON and punish him for not being a daughter.

I feel so bad. They just keep making it worse. I dont want to talk to them. I just... my dad is proabbaly gonna do that thing where he gives the worlds shittiest apology and expects you to just accept it withit 3 mins or else he gets mad and guilt trips you... fuck him too tbh. Hes trying to be all nice but that doesnt ERASE the fact that he used to make me cry constantly. That doesnt erase the time he said basically that I should die, or the time he yelled at me, made me cry, apologized, and got mad at me for not accepting the apology, then expected me to act like none of that happened and got mad at me for still crying, WITHINT LIKE A 5 MINUTE SPAN???? this is the typa shit that fucks up a child. I still remeber being yelled at in the car over my gender, ignored, and beat down whenever I tried to express that things were wrong with me! Jesus.

Father is the embodiment of all I ever needed as a kid... someone who would say "I love tou" when he saw you were crying instead of yelling at you and making it worse and then getting angry that you're crying and like OF COURSE IM CRYING, YOU'RE YELLING AT ME???

and my mom has the audacity to try to convert me to Christianity. Fuck you. As a trans person,... I got tired of putting my faith into something I couldnt see. I never saw a loving god, I only ever saw hatred and anger.

I wanna cry all over again fuck. Everytime I write like this it's a cycle because I just keep writing and never stop.

It's so important to me to be acknowledged as a SON. That's why I named The Red Static Entity "Father"... because that makes me his son. I made him ADOPT me. Because I didnt get to be no ones fucking son and I want it so bad but I dont know if I can ever be on good terms with my parents again because the whole thing has been tainted by my grief and trauma LOLz so even if they try now it just doesnt feel like enough because it never will be because my time to Bond with them has passed... I feel so much guilt over THEIR pain at my self harm but I'm so pissed rn. Fuck them. I'm in such unimaginable pain and they somehow made it all about them and how they feel and how I need to stop crying in time for dinner FUCK YOU. fuck you. You have no right to tell me to stop cutting when you did so much to fuck me up. It's not my fault if you messed up because I think maybe you forgot that children are living human beings.... maybe you "love me so much" but fuck, I dont know if I CAN love you... I dont know if I can ever see you the same after what you've done. You SHOULD feel bad, you should break down crying thinking about me, because FUCK YOU. be guilty, it's how you Should feel. And then they wonder why I dont talk to them.... BECAUSE YOU WERE A PIECE OF SHIT AS LONG AS IVE KNOWN YOU AND ALL OF A SUDDENT YOU WANNA PLAY NICE NOT BECOS U ACTUALLY CARE BUT BECOS I MIGHT KILL MYSELF.

Yknow what maybe I should just so that they can see the dead body. I'm imagining it right now... I want them to be DEVASTATED. If I was dead on the floor, itd be impossible to pretend it wasnt there. If I was dead on the floor, they'd cry and wonder what more they couldve done, which is what I've cried and wondered about my shit childhood. It would be a good thing. Serves them right to find their sons corpse. It would show them they fucked up. Maybe theyd wake up and realize that you cant emotionally neglect and mistreat a living human child for like fifteen years.... and expect it to be okay.

[gizkasparadise]

I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS

we are what they grow beyond okay

let’s do this. 

luke so he was the most contentious part of the movie according to The Reviews and bro took me on a repeating bell curve of THIS IS EVERYTHING and I HATE THIS THIS IS NOT HOW WE ACT and back to THIS IS EVERYTHING. i loved that he YEETS that lightsaber off a gd cliff, that he deadeyes rey as he drinks hippo/watto fusion tiddy milk. i love his aggressive gordon fishsticks man aesthetic and his old man & the sea thoreau realness. i love that he hangs with judgy nuns and fears The Tube

i was not here for how he reacted to rey after she tried to go to the dark. i kind of hated it. that wasn’t the luke that i know

but then

yoda. his singular convo with yoda was 1. amazing and 2. desperately needed to sort of give that insight into why he was so gd salty and angry and afraid. 

YOURE ALWAYS LOOKING AT THE HORIZON GOD DAMN IT 

i love how he comes back. i love how he comes back in gd chanel. i love his hand touch with leia, the metaphysical gold dice that lbr was probably han’s engagement ring to her, and i love that for luke, at the end of the day it’s about leia and how he failed her “han was han about it. but leia” was one of the most telling and amazing lines in the movie for me and i love the skywalker twins love. i like that rey is trying to find father figures and she found that eccentric uncle instead. i love that he wants to abandon the past but he can’t until his last master forces him to let it go

“I’m Sorry” and legends vs. heroes vs. leaders and just kill me im gonna luke meta until the end of time. 

motherfucking brushed his shoulder off

leia

god that parting goodbye. that handgrab and forehead touch. i’ll have more to say about leia later but here’s my highlight reel:

this poor woman has been surrounded by gd flyboys her entire gd life and you can just feel the Over It she has for Thrilling Heroics and Ace Pilots and gdi you just listen or you’re gonna get slapped 

that poe/bail and kylo/vader dynamic tho

her and holdo gave me life. i love that she’s the backbone of this resistance, that when han and luke and literally everyone else she depended on ran away she stood her ground and she gave it her all until she was certain there was no solution. the resistance is the spark but leia is the ember, and it was so clear that she was the heart of the resistance, the rebellion, and also the people around her. i loved the leia love and respect in this movie

shitty golden dice gd engagement ring 

she still hasn’t given up on ben. she didn’t give up on luke. or han. or poe. she believes in people in her reserved way and uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh space mom ;;;;;;;;;;;;;

rey

DEADLIFT THOSE ROCKS BABY. DEADLIFT THEM TO THE SKY

her disdain of luke’s life choices made my life. their banter made my life. their mutual shit-giving made my life. here’s your salt uncle, rey. 

i love that she is sort of a foil to luke. where his self-sacrificing was what made him a legend, hers is what might have created the ultimate monster IM READY FOR NINE BABY

FINALLY SOME TRIPPY FORCE SCENES. The Tube and her vision of the Force made my entire life. you know how i am about Force Visions okay

I SAW THAT LIGHTSABER SPLIT IN HALF AT THE END. I KNOW THAT MEANS WE’RE GETTING HER SABERSTAFF

i love that she immediately tattles to chewie when luke doesn’t open the door. we have a wookiee

kylo ren

“I’m sorry.” “I BET YOU ARE!” like gd that’s it that’s him that’s the character. that line luke gave him about how if he gets struck down in anger he’s carrying him with him forever LIKE HIS DAD just fucking kill me

that boy is done. heart eyes motherfucker and quivering chins every other frame

the kill it if you have to WAS NOT THE CONTEXT i was expecting it in and i was so pleasantly delighted!! i like that we got inside his head to see that he’s now actively trying to distance himself from vader. luke. his parents. everything-- how he wants his own legacy and get the fuck out of the way because it’s going to happen

except don’t get entirely the fuck out of the way because he’s lonely and it’d be better if he had a Skype friend throughout this call him maybe

I DID NOT EXPECT THAT SNOKE DEATH TO GO DOWN THE WAY IT DID IT WAS EVERYTHING SPIN THE BOTTLE: MAULIAN EDITION

HIM AND HUX ARE GOING TO BE AMAZING. that second where hux is going for the gun and kylo just BITCH YOU THOUGHTS out of a concussion is incredible

How those force bond scenes were shot was my everything. SO GOOD

finn

“you’re scum”

[sunglasses ]

“Rebel scum.”

HI THAT’S ME FUCKING DEAD AND GONE

i loved the subtle motivation change the resistance gave him. AS WEIRD AS THIS IS i appreciated him and DJ the most because DJ IS WHAT A SHITTY SELFISH HUMAN LOOKS LIKE THAT’S ALWAYS ON THE RUN and meanwhile there’s rose being THE BEST SELFLESS HUMAN EVER and i loved that fucking scene where DJ is going through the fighters and OOP XWING because i think it really honed in on the fact that this perspective is everything that finn is not and L O V E

SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THEM FREEING ALL THE ANIMALS FROM THE ZOO

SHUT THE FUCK UP AT THAT GD CASINO CITY AND FINN HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE UNTIL HE REALIZES THAT OH THIS IS NOT THAT NICE

THAT FINNREY HUG AT THE END. GOD THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO FUCKING MUCH

“THEY REALLY HATE THAT SHIP!” YES THEY DO FINN BUT WE ALL LOVE YOU

HIS SUICIDE RUN THAT WASNT 

ROSE

I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER

HER FUCKING RESISTANCE RING

HER FUCKING WOKE BINOCULARS ON THE RACETRACK 

HER GD AMAZING LINE ABOUT SAVING PEOPLE YOU LOVE FUCKING KILL ME DEAD I LOVE HER

THAT BB FORCE SENSITIVE BOY KEEPING HER RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND GIVING US THE STANDARD “SECOND MOVIE OF THE TRILOGY” LOOK OUT INTO THE UNFORGIVING HORIZON

HOW SHE GAVE UP HER BESTIES SISTER NECKLACE WITHOUT A THOUGHT BECAUSE SHE’S SO STRONG /;3;/

I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER

HOLDO ESCAPED FROM BATTLESTAR GALACTICA AND WAS EVERYTHING I EVER NEEDED IN MY LIFE THAT FUCKING BOOM CRUISER HAD EVERYONE GASPING IN MY THEATER

poe

I LOVED THIS ARC FLYBOY TURNED LEADER HIM CALLING OFF HIS SQUAD AT THE SALT PLANET AHHHHHHHHHH

hux

DOMNHALL IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE IN THIS ROLE HE STOLE EVERY SCENE LONG LIVE THE SUPREME LEADER h o ly s h it 

SALTY FOX BOYS AESTHETIC AS FUCK RED AND WHITE

**EDIT** HOW COULD I FORGET BB8 STEALING A CHICKEN WALKER BB8 STOLE A CHICKEN WALKER**

FUCK YEAH

F U C K  Y E A H 

[clonerightsagenda]

Posting Gill’s bday fic over here with permission. It’s Rosemary-related and TLC compliant (with a couple of minor spoilers) but should be understandable even with no knowledge of the AU.

This is what you have learned from dating Rose Lalonde. Expect any room to fill up with clutter in her presence. Your attempts to keep things tidy are as effective as holding back the tide. Expect everything to take on the feel of an epic, like you might be summoned onto a world-altering quest at a moment’s notice. It’s like a human fairy tale, but the old kind, not remakes that are all glitter and talking animals. The stories with teeth.

Don’t expect her to say that she loves you.

Don’t take it personally either. That’s what you remind yourself. Rose resists sincerity. When you presented her with the first flowers you’d grown in the new greenhouse (roses; you’d been delighted to learn she’d been named for a flower), she’d laughed uncertainly like you’d unlocked an event she didn’t have a script for. Over the next week, as the blooms withered, they moved around. First you spotted them on the windowsill, then on her bedside table, in this vase or that one, like she couldn’t figure out what place they had in her life.

On the Land of Rays and Frogs, you encountered a puzzle path made of colored lily pads. If you stepped on the wrong one, it would buckle and deposit you in a mini-boss chamber before you returned to the start, weary and wiser. Navigating this relationship feels much the same. Some of your missteps now are the inevitable outcome of two species still learning about each other, but not all of them. After reading Rose’s walkthrough, you’d daydreamed of meeting its author. Now you think you need a walkthrough for her too.

The day after your tumultuous first date, Rose dumped her concoctions down the drain, saying she could embarrass herself perfectly well without the aid of depressants. Not even a week later, she set the equipment up again.

“It might come in handy for medicinal purposes,” she said when you asked her why she’d changed her mind. “Besides, it wasn’t all bad.” She winked. “We got some mileage out of it.”

You blushed, and your rainbow drinker glow briefly flared before you wrestled it under control again. In the first few weeks you hadn’t known how the rules changed when you moved from unofficial to official. Where did you put your eyes, or your hands? What were you allowed to say? “It did make you more forward.”

She laughed, and from the sharpness on her breath you realized she’d already been sampling her experiments. “I can be so fucking uptight sometimes. Maybe we all need to lighten up. Lighten up. Get it?”

“I get it,” you said. But you didn’t.

So you sought clarification from Dave. After you quested through the meteor, lipstick at the ready in case of clown sightings, you found him topside staring back the way you’d come. At the beginning of your journey, you’d taken turns stationing yourselves there, afraid Jack would catch up and resume his rampage when you least expected it. When he didn’t make an appearance, you’d all let your guards down, reducing sentry duty to a quick backward glance now and then. Was he keeping watch for Lord English now?

“Are you watching for Jack?” you asked.

He jumped and tried to cover it with a miniscule adjustment to his cape. “Nah. Watching Skeletor blast everyone to bits.”

“You and Rose have been up here a lot recently.”

“We both came up after the first killing, you know? It was so loud.” He rubbed at his eyes underneath his shades. His skin is a few shades lighter than his sibling’s, and you could see shadows there. “It’s been hard to sleep since then. At least she’s found a way to conk out.”

“About her newfound use of soporifics.” You hesitated, staring up at the flashing lights that were already becoming familiar. It’s amazing how fast you accustom yourselves to the unthinkable. “Is that normal for humans?”

He frowned. (Later, he’d tell you he hadn’t been sure how to respond. “I didn’t want to fuck it up for you two,” he said. “I didn’t think it’d get that bad.”) “Hard to say what’s normal in our situation. Guess a lot of people would pull out a bottle after everything we’ve gone through. Better than sticking a forty-five in your mouth. She’s always been extreme about reacting to things. It’s hard to believe we’re the same damn species sometimes, let alone siblings.”

“I didn’t think an outing with me is so terrible you have to be out of your wits to enjoy it.” You didn’t mean to sound petulant, but his eyebrows rose.

“She doesn’t mean it like that.”

“I thought you didn’t understand her.”

“It would take an institutional thinktank to really figure her out, but I do a little.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. He does that when he’s being serious sometimes. “I think the whole thing freaked her out. Freaks her out, present tense, if you’re officially an item now. Congrats, by the way.”

“Thank you.”

Another spiderweb of cracks blossomed above your heads. You could see them reflected in Dave’s shades as he said, “I don’t think she trusts anyone being nice to her 100%, that’s all. Not even me.”

Rose has been clean for months now in human terms. You both have. The first few weeks of your victory were spent dealing with the effects of abandoning your substances of choice. You stumbled around feeling as if you’d been dipped in concrete, your movements and thoughts slow and ponderous. Rose went days without sleep and flinched away from things the rest of you couldn’t see. Roxy warned you of what to expect, since she’d gone through the process before. She’s also the one who told you to remind Rose to eat. “She’s not gonna want to,” she said. “You feel gross all over and the last thing you want to do is stick more shit in your body, but if you don’t eat you’ll just feel crummier.”

You’d noticed her drinking her meals before, but you’d never brought it up beyond meaningful glances or the pointed placement of foodstuffs in her respiteblock. Rose has always been good at dodging questions. “Do you have any suggestions for a strategic approach? She’ll try to deflect me with witticisms. Her barbs are floppy at the edges right now, but my defenses are equally compromised.”

“That’s a cute way of saying you’re both fucked up.” Roxy shrugged. “I can’t beat her in a war of words, and I wouldn’t try. My advice? Sit on her and force feed her Saltines while telling her it’s for her own good.”

You had been skipping meals yourself. Even after eating normal food, you still felt hungry. Your system wanted something else to satisfy it, so what was the point? Rose latched on to that hypocrisy when you tried to nag her, so you’d end up sitting across the table from each other with plates of leftovers cold from the fridge, matching each other mouthful for mouthful. Whatever worked.

The worst of that is past now. But sometimes she still behaves in ways that make you wonder if after all these sweeps she really trusts you.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -- GA: Jade GA: Shes Doing It Again GG: whos doing what? :o GA: You Know Who GA: Who Else Do I Come To You In Search Of Explanations For Their Inexplicable Habits GA: Show Some Space Player Solidarity Here GA: There Are So Few Of Us Who View Common Sense As Part Of A Complete Breakfast GG: for everyone else its an optional granola to sprinkle on top GA: The Recipe Said Season To Taste And Im Afraid Theres A Serious Lack Of That In The Premises GA: Ok Can We Cut The Extended Cooking Metaphor Out GG: yeah, it was getting a little meanspirited GA: That Too I Guess Mostly I Didnt Want To Get Stuck Exchanging Culinary Puns GG: ok, what terrible thing is rose doing now GA: She Has Locked Herself In Her Room And Has Been Listening To Her Playlist Designated For Angst For Three Hours GG: lol GG: that behavior cannot stand! GG: except it sort of can, since we all have a right to privacy GG: even if we exercise that right by listening to sad music all day GG: these things cannot be revoked for bad taste GA: Actually Most Of It Has Been Pretty Good GA: Filtering Through The Door Gives It Nice Acoustics GG: maybe you need to give her some... space :D :D :D GA: I Just Want To Know What Upset Her GA: She Says It Wasnt Me But I Dont Know If That Means It Wasnt Me Or It Was Me And I Am Expected To Work That Out On My Own GA: A Reassessment Of The Past Few Days Activities Hasnt Turned Up Anything Suspicious GG: i cant think of anything that might have upset her... GG: ohhhhhhhhhh GG: i think its her moms birthday GG: that might be it GA: How Did You Know GA: Is That Supposed To Be Common Knowledge GG: she complained one time about having to go to a fancy dinner GG: something thrown by her moms colleagues i think??? GG: her mom made her dress up in something frilly, she said she felt like an american girl doll GG: to be honest she sent a picture and i thought it was a cute dress!! GG: definitely not her style though GA: Im Impressed You Remember GG: i try to keep track of these things GG: it was nice hearing about everyones lives, i always wished I could do things like that GG: tell me your lususes birthday, i will put it in my calendar GA: I Never Knew It GA: I Wish Shed Told Me GA: Rose I Mean I Dont Think Wriggling Days Are Important For Virgin Mothergrubs GG: dont take it personally GG: she does it to all of us, and youre her girlfriend so she has to be EXTRA secretive about terrible and compromising things like emotions GA: That Logic Sounds Backward GG: the human mind is a complicated maze of mystery kanaya GA: Sounds Mysterious GG: it is GG: she probably doesnt realize its stressing you out, i know shes trying to be better about that kind of thing GG: you know, COMMUNICATION!! D: GA: No Please Anything But That GG: the achilles heel of our entire household GG: i can bug her if you want GA: No Thats Ok GA: Mostly I Wanted To Make Sure I Hadnt Caused This And Needed To Resolve It GA: If She Wants To Grieve By Herself I Understand GG: if shes still in there by dinner well root her out! GG: there is a limit to how many sad songs are good for your soul GA: Ok GA: In The Meantime Do You Have Any Work That Needs Doing In The Greenhouse GA: Id Like To Keep My Hands Busy GG: theres some stuff that needs deadheading on table three GG: do you want company? GA: No Thats Fine GA: Ill Talk To You Later GG: sure thing! -- ¬¬grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GA: Im Sorry About Your Mother TT: Who told you about that? GA: Jade TT: Figures. TT: Lousy goddamn supportive friends. GA: She Has Said She Will Flush You Out If You Dont Come Down To Dinner GA: Do You Feel Up To It GA: Otherwise I Can Convince Her To Leave You Be GA: She Is Easily Distracted From Her Resolutions If You Know How To Play Your Gaming Rectangles Right TT: No, I'll be there. TT: What time is it? GA: Half Past Five So No Rush GA: Im Still Gardening And Havent Washed Up TT: It might take me that long to get presentable. GA: Was Her Wriggling Day Important To You GA: I Admit The Concept Is New To Me GA: What With Our Ancestors Being So Far Removed From Our Lives And Our Guardians Being Literal Fauna Who Did Not Celebrate Notable Dates TT: It’s probably not even her real birthday. TT: We were all created on the same day, and I doubt anyone was on hand to record when her meteor touched down. TT: She must have picked a day she liked. TT: We used to give each other over-the-top gifts every year. TT: I thought she was being passive aggressive, so I reciprocated in turn. TT: The last year, I thought about getting her a bedazzled martini glass, but I didn’t get around to it. TT: Thank god. TT: I can only hope she interpreted my gestures as sincere as readily as I interpreted hers as sarcastic. TT: Otherwise she must have thought I was the worst daughter imaginable. GA: Im Sure She Didnt Think That TT: I wish I’d given her something better. TT: Something genuine. GA: I Was Working On A New Hat For Nepeta During The Game GA: I Got Some Monster Slime On Her Old One With A Sloppy Chainsaw Maneuver And Even Though She Said It Wasnt The First Time I Wanted To Make It Up To Her GA: And Help At Least One Of My Teammates Diversify Their Wardrobe TT: There’s always an ulterior motive, isn’t there? GA: You Tell Me GA: You Are The Expert In Decoding The Nefarious Meaning Hidden Within Every Exchange Of Pleasantries TT: It’s a secret code, Kanaya. TT: The sixth grader who tossed the newspaper into our yard this morning is working with the KGB. That’s what "Good morning" meant. This is well established in spy manuals. GA: My Knowledge Of Human Subterfuge Is Always Expanding GA: The Hat Was Supposed To Be A Surprise GA: Then I Found It In A Treasure Chest Not Long Into Our Journey GA: Theyre Gone And You Know That But Then You Find Something That Reminds You GA: Oh GA: Ill Never Give Her That Will I TT: I don’t know what I would’ve done if we’d lost anyone from our session. TT: Well, I do know. I have memories from a timeline where we lost half. TT: It wasn’t pretty. TT: I know in a lot of ways we got lucky. GA: Its Not A Contest GA: You Dont Have To Have Had It Worst To Feel Bad TT: I know. TT: But it’s hard. GA: See Look At Us Talking About Our Emotions Isnt That Nice GA: A Horrible Kind Of Nice TT: Or a nice kind of horrible. TT: Either or. GA: The Juxtaposition Is Key TT: I didn't mean to shut you out. GA: I Know You Need Privacy Sometimes GA: I Would Just Prefer To Know Whats Going On So I Dont Have To Worry About Whats Wrong GA: And You Know You Can Talk To Me TT: I know. Intellectually. TT: Is it weird I can trust you all with my life but not always with my feelings? GA: Kind Of GA: But I Get It GA: Were All Weird About Some Things TT: I'm trying to do better. And I'll let you know next time I need to indulge in a three-hour sad jams session so you won't worry. TT: Maybe after I've run through my playlist, we can even talk about it. GA: We Can Sit Awkwardly At A Table Waiting For The Other One To Break The Silence First TT: A tradition. GA: Also I Should Let You Know Its Stir Fry Night TT: Really? TT: You should have led with that. TT: Save me a seat.

As time passes, you all improve with hesitant steps that sometimes send you sliding back, sometimes not. Rose throws herself into her walkthrough, which she plans to distribute to anyone else caught up in SGRUB’s gears. Everyone is on consultant duty to flesh out areas of personal expertise. You, however, are her co-editor, a position of special privilege.

Rose views the work as one more way to help whatever players come after you. Your motivation is less selfless. Once, several sweeps and universes ago, an alien’s words found you and gave you something to hang on to. Somewhere, in a distant galaxy, someone else is being forced to play this game. Maybe your words can reach them, like Rose’s reached you. Working on the walkthrough now lets you build something together in a way that she won’t dismiss as sappy and overdone, a love letter for the universe.

That doesn’t mean you don’t run into difficulties, of course.

TT: Have you had a chance to look over the Prospit chapter? GA: Oh Uh GA: Ive Seen It TT: Did you have any feedback? TT: I'm going to ask Jade too, but I thought I'd give you the first shot. GA: Um GA: I Dont Know TT: Was it that off-base? TT: I know I'm a Derse dreamer, but I tried to be thorough. GA: Its More The Tone GA: You Wrote That Prospit May Look Friendlier But Should Still Be Viewed As An Antagonist Because It Has Ulterior Motives GA: And Maybe Thats True Especially About The Clouds GA: But My Time On The Moon Was The Brighter Portion Of My Childhood GA: And The People Of Prospit Were Always Kind To Me GA: So I Guess The Framing Made Those Memories Feel Kind Of GA: Threatened TT: Oh. GA: It Isnt A Logical Reaction TT: What do you think I should change? GA: I Dont Know GA: Maybe Nothing GA: Youre The Expert Here I Know Im Biased Toward My Moon Whatever Systems It Might Be Part Of GA: We All Take That View About Some Parts Of Our Youth Dont We GA: Even If It Was Part Of Something Bad We Remember The Good Moments GA: We Hold On To The Small Kindnesses TT: …Yeah. GA: You Can Disregard That Feedback GA: Youre The One With Writing Expertise And A Clear Goal In Mind GA: I Dont Really Know What Im Doing GA: Youre Better At This TT: I’m really not. TT: I just put on a more convincing show. TT: Don’t dismiss yourself. You have expertise in areas I don’t. GA: I Guess Im Not As Used To Putting Myself Out There TT: You can come up with a clever pen name. TT: There’s a tradition of vampires spelling their names backward. GA: Im Reformed TT: An anagram then, maybe. TT: Jokes aside, this is a collaborative project. We’ve got a Google doc and everything. TT: I don't want to intergalactically publish anything you're not comfortable with. TT: How about a revision session this evening? I'll bring Lofthouse cookies. GA: The Ones That Are Just Discs Of Sugar And Flour TT: With nary a redeeming nutritional quality in sight. TT: Keep that quiet, though. Jane would kill me if she knew I was smuggling them into the house. GA: Sounds Great Ill Be There

Rose’s typical drafting position is on her stomach with her laptop propped up on the pillow. You prefer to stretch your legs out with your back up against the wall. Thermoses of tea balance precariously between the two of you on the mattress.

“There’s been a lot of activity on the kernelsprite document,” Rose says, flicking through the pages. “Apparently Hal listed “100 advantages of being prototyped” and Dirk replaced it with “Most of this list is either illegal or immoral.” I’m turning track changes on to see what they were.”

You tap your fingers idly on the keys while your own husktop buffers. “Anything good?”

“Get away with murder,” she reads. “That’s cliché, you don’t even have to be a sprite for that. I think he just put it in there to be edgy. He’s trying so hard; you have to respect that. It’s like when I started buying black makeup to try to spite my mother.” She scrolls down further. “Oh, here’s a good one. Clip through the floor.”

“I’ve seen John do it. He’s not as original as he thinks he is.” You peer at her screen. “Eat your enemy’s phone. I’ll give him points for one. It’s not feasible for most mortals.”

Rose reaches across your legs for another cookie. “Sure, if you’re a coward.”

“I’ll accept that designation if it means avoiding a mouthful of circuitry.”

She chews thoughtfully and then flicks a sprinkle off onto the carpet. At least you’re in her room. Still, you feel a compulsion to pick it up. “About what you were saying earlier. I don’t want to contribute to any lingering insecurities.”

The change of topics catches you off guard. “They’re milling around in the lobby, but I’m not letting them upstairs.” You shrug, your shoulders sliding up the wall. “As we’ve been reminding each other, we can’t fix everything about ourselves immediately. I’m more confident than I used to be. I didn’t let Jake talk me into that routine with the glitter.”

“Shame.” She frowns at you, an expression diluted somewhat by a rim of frosting on her upper lip. “I’m not commandeering this project too much, am I? It’s nice to have something to be enthusiastic about again, but maybe I’m getting carried away.”

“No, you’re being very accommodating.” You squirm, smoothing out inconsequential creases in your skirt. Sometimes feelings don’t make sense. But once Rose decides she wants to talk about them, she tries to pin them to the page and dissect them. She does it because she wants to understand and help, the same way she wants to reverse engineer SBURB with words to assist players who come after. That doesn’t make the process any more pleasant when you’re the one on the operating table. “The problem is on my end, in the concern lobby. The lurking insecurities have been taking numbers for a while, and the counter is only up to twelve.”

“Like Inside Out crossed with a DMV? Hellish.” Rose picks up a pen and rolls it between her fingers. She likes to draft things longhand first sometimes. “I remember back on the last day of the game, you said you thought everyone burned brighter than you. You must’ve realized by now that my “burning brighter” is mostly because I have a habit of setting myself on fire.”

You’ll admit you’d been starstruck by the walkthrough’s mysterious author. It had been nice to harbor a new secret crush once Vriska was a lost cause. And you’d first met Rose face to face as a newly risen goddess bathed in the luminescence of the Green Sun. She’d seemed ethereal and beyond you.

Then, after the first few hours of sorting out living arrangements and watching Karkat roam around yelling for Gamzee to give the bodies back, she’d announced she was going to “sleep for a fucking week” and faceplanted into the nearest rug. Dave didn’t help beyond alchemizing some safety cones and setting them up around her. That had helped a little. So had seeing what her hair looks like in the mornings. “If you’re worried I have some unattainable vision of you set on a mental altar, rest easy. But you did restructure the multiverse with nothing but nerve, so I might still want your autograph a little.”

Rose brandishes the pen. “Only on the condition I get to sign your bra.” When you wave her away, she drops it on the pillow. “Spearheading the multiverse operation is one of my prouder accomplishments, I’ll admit, but my violet-tinged authorial prowess is entirely due to thinking I was hot shit as a pre-teen on the Internet. Besides, if we’re talking bragging rights, you fixed reality. Not to mention put up with us idiots for three years.”

“That was a struggle.” At times you’d wondered if you were the only one on the meteor keeping ahold of your wits. “Remember when the ceiling panels gave way and Gamzee fell onto the table?”

“Not our best group dinner. But you see, I’m a mess. You’re the one who has her act together.”

You frown. Being praised for your stability is a sore spot of yours. Yes, you’d been the one to bear everyone else’s struggles. That doesn’t mean you liked it. “I had to. Someone did. It got tiring after a while, though.”

Rose winces. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. You shouldn’t have had to. But it is impressive that you did.”

“You were sick,” you say, in response to her apology.

You see her shoulder blades rise and fall in a muted shrug. “I know. But that doesn’t mean you should have had to deal with it.”

“I guess…” Maybe you’re the one who’s prompted her to speak up, but you struggle with your words too. Troll culture teaches you that open exchanges of feelings are for moirails. Palemates are the only people you can trust the depths of your soul to, if you can truly trust anyone at all. Humans don’t compartmentalize in the same way. You can see the benefits of that system, but you still fear saying the wrong thing will push her away. “You undercut yourself to tell me I’m better than I think I am. But if I’m already worried about measuring up to some standard, that just pushes us both lower. Do you see what I mean?”

“The self-deprecation’s not cute. Got it.” She twists around in what is probably some kind of advanced yoga pose to look you in the eye. “But you shouldn’t undersell yourself either, ok?”

When she doesn’t break eye contact, you nod reluctantly. “This is a very affirming argument we’re having.”

She reaches over and prods you with the pen. “I’m channeling Jake. Believe in yourself.”

You smile. “It’s hard to resist, these days.”

When you’re done for the evening, Rose captchalogues her laptop and you troop out. Everyone has their own room, but all of you tend to spend more of your nights in the common area curled up in armchairs or slumped over each other on sofas, within easy sight of each other when you wake from bad dreams. After a few weeks of intentionally lingering there until you fell asleep, you made it official and filled the whole room with soft materials like a huge communal pile. Terezi even taped up democratically-determined regulations. Rose spends some nights curled up next to you with her face shoved so close against your neck you wonder how she can breathe. Sometimes, though, she retreats to a corner with a pillow at her back like a wall. You know not to approach her then.

Tonight, she finds an empty patch of floor and drops down on it. You lower yourself next to her.

“Are you happy with the chapter now?” she asks.

“I’d like to give it another pass tomorrow, but it’s much better.”

“And everything else?”

“That’s better too.”

“Good.” She gives you a peck on the lips and, when Terezi wolfwhistles, flips her the bird and kisses you for real. You kiss her back, until… You pull away.

“Are you wearing my lip balm?”

“Maybe.” She purses the lips in question. “It’s got a good flavor.”

“I was wondering where that went. You know, you could have just asked to borrow it.” Grudgingly, anyway. She has a terrible habit of licking the stuff off and then reapplying it to start the cycle anew.

Rose raises an eyebrow. “You offered to do my laundry so you could steal my favorite shirt.”

You think, with only a modicum of guilt, of the shirt you have stashed behind the laundry basket in your closet. “It’s very soft.”

“I’m never getting that back, am I?”

“Probably not.”

She sticks her tongue out at you and pulls a blanket over her shoulders. “Night.”

“Good night,” you say. That’s the only endearment you exchange.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -- GA: Karkat GA: Karkat Answer Your Phone I Know You Can See This GA: Youre Looking At It Right Now CG: YEAH I SURE AM. CG: I'M STARING AT THIS MARVELOUS HUNK OF PLASTIC AND ELECTRICITY IN MY HANDS AND REFLECTING ON HOW IT GRANTS US THE ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER FROM ANY DISTANCE. CG: SUCH AS, FOR EXAMPLE, EIGHT FUCKING FEET AWAY. GA: This Is Private CG: I DIDN'T KNOW WE HAD A CONCEPT OF PRIVACY ANYMORE. CG: COLOR ME SURPRISED, SO SOME THINGS ABOUT OUR LIVES *AREN’T* SUPPOSED TO BE COMMON KNOWLEDGE? GA: It Might Help If You Spoke With Any Kind Of Discretion Or Volume Control CG: NOT AN OPTION. CG: CARRY ON. GA: Youve Watched A Lot Of Human Romances GA: What Is The Appropriate Interval Before Affirmations Of Matespritship Are Exchanged GA: You Know Like GA: Uh CG: "I LOVE YOU"? GA: Yes That CG: THE FIRST STEP IS BEING ABLE TO TYPE IT INTO A PRIVATE CHAT SESSION WITHOUT BLUSHING. CG: I CAN SEE YOU OVER THERE. GA: Dammit GA: What Is The Waiting Period Here Like Three Sweeps CG: SO I GUESS SHE HASN'T DONE IT YET? GA: Well GA: Not Sober GA: She Was Quite Eager To Confess Admiration While On Soporifics GA: To Everyone And Everything Including Inanimate Objects GA: Im Not Sure Such Exchanges No Matter How Heartfelt Can Be Considered Fully Genuine CG: YOU'RE IN LUCK, A LOT OF HUMAN FILMS COVER THIS IN DEPTH. CG: IF YOU WANT I CAN ARRANGE A VIEWING SESSION WITH SOME MORE INFORMATIVE SELECTIONS. GA: That Might Be Fun GA: But Mostly I Would Appreciate Some Friendly Advice GA: As Educational As Im Sure The Latest Work Starring Anne Hathaway Would Be CG: AN EXECUTIVE SUMMARY IS: CG: IT USUALLY DOESN’T TAKE THIS LONG. CG: BUT THE CHARACTERS INVOLVED ARE OLDER, THE SAME SPECIES, AND HAVEN’T BEEN THROUGH A WAR, SO IT’S NOT A REPRESENTATIVE SAMPLE. CG: ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT IT? GA: Not Exactly GA: I Know The Sentiment Is There GA: If Anything I Just Hope She Feels Comfortable Enough She Knows She Can Be Open With Me GA: Shes Trying But I Can Tell Its Still Difficult For Her CG: DAVE SAYS "its obvious shes crazy about you" SO NO WORRIES THERE. GA: Why Is Dave Part Of This Conversation CG: HE WALKED OVER AND LOOKED AT MY PHONE OVER THE BACK OF THE SOFA. CG: LIKE I SAID. PRIVACY = ZERO GA: Hi Dave CG: HE SAYS HI. GA: I Saw Him Wave GA: Now Tell Him To Go Away CG: AND HE’S GONE. CG: THE CHAT IS CLEAR OF FUTURE BROTHERS-IN-LAW. GA: Future What CG: THAT’S WHAT YOU’LL BE IF YOU AND ROSE GET "HUMAN MARRIED". CG: THE RITUAL MAKES YOU FAMILY WITH THEIR ENTIRE FAMILY. CG: I’M PRETTY SURE IT WAS HISTORICALLY DESIGNED TO ACQUIRE ECONOMIC AND POLITICAL ADVANTAGES. CG: YOU KNOW, KIND OF LIKE HOW INTERCASTE MOIRALLEGIANCES CAN AFFORD LOWER CASTES PROTECTION. CG: BUT IN MODERN TIMES MOSTLY IT MEANS YOU’RE STUCK WITH THOSE CHUCKLEFUCKS FOR LIFE AS A PACKAGE DEAL. GA: Oh No CG: OH YES. GA: Karkat I May Be Rethinking This Whole Venture CG: TOO LATE, I’M GOING TO BE YOUR BEST MAN. IT’S ALREADY DECIDED. GA: What Is A Best Man GA: Is It Whoever I Have Designated If I Were For Some Reason Obligated To Wed Someone Of That Gender CG: NO. CG: THE MOVIES AREN’T ENTIRELY CLEAR ABOUT THEIR ROLE, BUT IN GENERAL THEY GIVE HEARTFELT SPEECHES AND PROVIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. GA: Maybe I Want Jake To Be My Best Man GA: He Can Recite Touching Monologues Ripped From The Silver Screen CG: YOU HAVE NO SAY IN THIS WHATSOEVER. CG: (YOU KNOW I’M JOKING, RIGHT?) GA: I Figured GA: Although I Wouldn’t Put It Past You To Try To Plan That Kind Of Thing Out For Me CG: HEY IF YOU EVER WANT IDEAS, I CAN THROW SOME OUT THERE. CG: YOU’RE WAY TOO YOUNG FOR THAT KIND OF THING THOUGH. CG: AND WE STILL HAVE TO GET YOU FROM POINT A TO POINT B, WHICH INVOLVES TRAVERSING THE ROCKY TERRAIN OF EMOTIONAL HONESTY, WITH WHICH I HAVE HAD NO PAST PROBLEMS AT ALL. CG: YOU COULD ALWAYS SAY IT FIRST YOURSELF I GUESS. CG: UNLESS YOU THINK THAT’LL MAKE HER EVEN MORE NERVOUS? GA: It Might GA: Outright Displays Of Emotion Embarrass Her She Relates It Too Much To Her Drunken Excesses And Those Of Her Mother GA: If I Can Be Permitted To Psychoanalyze Here GA: Shes Admitted As Much CG: THEN… LET HER KNOW SHE CAN FEEL COMFORTABLE? CG: THAT DOESN’T SOUND VERY EXCITING, BUT MAYBE IT DOESN’T HAVE TO. CG: THEY MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT IN THE MOVIES BUT I THINK AS LONG AS YOU’RE BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE WHETHER THOSE THREE EXACT WORDS HAVE ESCAPED YOUR QUIVERING CHUTE FLAPS DOESN’T MATTER ALL THAT MUCH. CG: THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO SHOW YOU CARE. I’M PRETTY SURE YOU’VE GOT THAT COVERED. CG: MOVIES AREN’T ALWAYS THAT REALISTIC ABOUT WHICH PARTS OF A RELATIONSHIP ARE A FEDERAL FUCKING ISSUE VERSUS WHICH PARTS ARE NEGOTIABLE. GA: !! CG: YEAH YEAH RUB IT IN. CG: SO I RELIED ON THEM A LOT, IT’S NOT LIKE I HAD MUCH PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. GA: I Shouldnt Criticize This Was Helpful GA: Thanks For Listening GA: And I Would Like To Watch Movies With You Sometime If That Offer Is Still On The Table CG: DEFINITELY. CG: I’LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I’VE GOT A GOOD LINEUP PULLED TOGETHER.

A few days later, Rose wanders into your room unannounced and flops onto the bed. This isn’t uncommon behavior, so you keep sorting through your clean laundry. Her cat behaves similarly, insinuating himself into a room as if he belongs there. It’s a lazy confidence you envy. “We should go out,” she says, directing her words at the ceiling.

“We should?” you ask, holding two socks up to see if they match. They don’t, exactly, but they are a pair. Rose knitted them for you herself. They’re lumpy and awkwardly shaped, and you treasure them.

“We were going to do something fun after the game, remember? That was the plan. But we've both been sick, and outside is...” Rose waves toward the window and the world it serves as a barrier against. “Outside, so we haven't gotten around to it. But we should. You’ve been in your room a lot. It’ll do us both good.”

Drat. Your downturns aren’t as explosive as the others’. Sometimes you simply withdraw, spending more time on your own while a mental screen descends between you and the world, distorting it like a blur filter. There’s nothing wrong with you, exactly; it’s just that you don’t have the energy. That’s not bad, right? There are worse things than numbness. “What were you thinking we could do?”

She sits up halfway and then flops back down again. The pillows bounce. “I was hoping you'd have some ideas.”

You twist the socks together and toss them into the appropriate drawer. “The only thing I remember suggesting was outfits without sleeves.”

“Compelling, but not really something to make a date out of.” Rose frowns. “Have we ever... had a normal date? By regular people's standards?”

“Troll or human?” You shake your head. “I don't think any species would give us a passing grade.”

“Earthworms might be impressed.”

You pout. “You've never taken me to any good plots of soil.”

“We'll do that next time. For now, Jane said someone needs to do the shopping.”

“You know how to sweep me off my feet.”

Rose, still prone, waves a list in your direction. “It'll be fun. We get to pick which flavor of potato chips we want, and everyone else has to live with it.”

If Alternia had anything like supermarkets, they hadn’t spread near your oasis. For all that your caste can stand the sun, the electric lights hurt your eyes. They’re too bright – a harsh white that makes all the bright colors look flat and artificial. You reach for Rose’s hand, and she squeezes it. “I appreciate the support,” you say, “but I wanted to see the list.”

“Oh. Right.” She brings it up for both of you to consult. “Does Jade know how expensive beef is? She’s really running us through it.”

“She’s been talking about growing vegetables for the household. It’s too bad she can’t raise her own cows.”

“Don’t give her ideas. She wouldn’t be able to bring herself to butcher them, not after we’d named them all.” Rose leads you to the back of the store and scoops up slabs of meat packed into tidy foam and plastic containers. The setup is so clinical your residual rainbow drinker instincts don’t even twitch. It’s a far cry from the Alternian pastime of slicing your dinner up while it’s still wriggling. “We need milk,” she begins, and trails off after she pivots to the left. “It was that way in my old store. But they must not follow a common plan.”

Rose looks unmoored now that her navigational confidence has been broken. A lot of the humans are like this, wavering when their world doesn’t behave the way they think it should. It’s almost easier for those of you who expect foreign ways and customs. It’s harder to be a stranger in your own home. “We’ll wander,” you say, and steer her firmly by the shoulder.

By a combination of trial and error and studying signage like relics of a lost civilization, you manage to gather everything on the list. The only problem comes when you pass a series of shelves stacked with bottles, and Rose stiffens. It takes a moment for the pieces to fall into place – you’ve never seen wine packaged in its original containers before.

”Come on,” you say, linking your arm with hers. “Help me test which limes are ripest.”

You have to tug for a moment before she comes with you. You don’t think she’s planning to make a running leap for the vintage. If anything, she looks like she does when there’s an enemy sighted, wary and ready to spring. If she destroys several wine racks with a blast of divine light, that’ll probably go on your bill.

”Sorry,” she says, once you’ve made it to the produce section. “At my old store, it was in a separate room. Not out in the open.”

You lean toward her a little, so your shoulders press together. “It took you by surprise.”

She leans back. “Like pulling down your sheets and seeing a spider in your bed.” You see a dot of blood on her lower lip. She must have bitten it. “It must be harder for you. There’s no getting away from all that blood walking around on two legs.”

”It’s easier not to slip up, though.” You reach over with your free hand and dab at her cut, wiping the smear on the side of your shirt. “They’d make a fuss if I tried to sample it.”

”That’s what recovering alcoholics need.” She swipes at her mouth herself, but the wound is already closing. “Wine bottles that scream when you open them.”

”You’ve uncovered a new industry.”

”I need to patent it immediately.”

You squeeze her arm before letting go. If she’s making jokes, that’s a good sign.

Rose perks up when you’re heading toward the checkout. “Hang on. We have to stop by the natural foods section.”

”We do?” You check the list again. There’s nothing left on it.

”You never know,” she says. Now it’s her turn to drag you along. “The cure to all our life’s problems might be hiding next to the apricot kernels.”

Her tone is mocking. “Is there something wrong with natural products?”

”Not on their own. Jade says a lot of processed food upsets her stomach after growing up without it. But some people will pitch organic to you as the cure for cancer, and if you’re telling me you feed your four-year-old Goji berries instead of getting him vaccinated, I think you’ve opened yourself up to public disdain.” Rose plucks a box of tea off the shelf. “Look at this one. It says it’ll revitalize your body and restore harmony to your thoughts. All for twelve dollars, too.”

”Sounds like a deal.”

”It would have its work cut out for it with us. Hey, if I drink Sleepy Time and Stay Alert blends at the same time, what do you think will happen?”

”You’ll shed your corporeal form and ascend to a being of pure consciousness, and that would be a shame, because I like your face.” You retrieve the boxes and put them back before she decides to do product testing. “Apparently these exotic grains cure depression with their wholesome vitamins and minerals.”

”Buy the whole shelf.”

She’s right; some of these products are ridiculous. The two of you are giggling over asparagus water when a middle-aged woman pushes past you with her shopping cart. A highblood couldn’t look down their nose better. “Are you girls done with that?” she asks.

”Definitely,” Rose says, straight-faced. “I’d recommend it. It made us gay.”

Rose did the talking there, and you were too busy laughing to think of how to react. But when you get to the cashier, your tongue twists in your mouth. You stammer through pleasantries until Rose rescues you and completes the transaction. You drift away while she's collecting the bags, pretending to peruse the week's advertisement flier.

“She was pretty,” Rose says when she joins you, groceries in tow. “Is that why you were stuttering?”

You take half the bags from her. It would have been polite to help her carry them from the conveyor belt, but you needed to escape. “Was she? I didn't notice.”

She nudges you with a conspiratorial grin. “You don't have to play coy. I won't get jealous.”

“I'm not playing coy.” You shift one of the bags over your wrist, and something inside crinkles. Hopefully you didn’t break anything. “Her face was a blur. I panicked.”

Rose’s smile fades. “I’d forgotten you could be shy.”

The automatic doors whoosh open as the two of you approach. You sidestep a mother and her offspring going the other direction. “When you grow up on an oasis where your nearest neighbors are the shambling undead, you're a little cautious of strangers.”

“But willing to send them messages on Pesterchum questioning their intelligence and morals.”

She printed your first conversation logs off and stuck them to her wall, which you find equally endearing and annoying. Every time you see them, you itch to pull out a pen and make edits. “That's different. We weren't face to face. And... this is all new, here. I worry they'll be able to tell.”

“That they'll scream “Space invader!” and cart you off to a top secret facility?

”I’m sure it’s funny to you,” you say with a sniff, starting across the parking lot. “They won’t dissect you.”

She smiles again – you meant her to; the dissection at least was a joke. “I get nervous too. Not as much now after everything we’ve been through, but I’ve always been hyperaware of social situations. But I tend to take the ‘don't get scared; get angry’ approach.”

You recall how she marched up to the conveyor belt and slammed down her purchases. “I did wonder if you were going to challenge the salesperson to a strife.”

“Chalk it up to the childhood narcissism. I always felt like everyone was passing judgment.”

You accidentally make eye contact with a man stepping out of his vehicle and redirect your gaze at Rose’s collarbone. “Like everyone's watching.”

She nods. “And that's not true. They have their own problems and couldn't care less what we do. We're not important to them. In this case, that's reassuring.”

You’re surprised she finds it comforting. You’re happy to fade into the background; Rose likes to be noticed. You’d never realized it frightened her too. “What a pair we make,” you say.

“Between us, we add up to one functional person.”

You pull open the car door for her with a flourish. “I'd be generous and say at least 1.5.”

A few of the humans have been working to get their licenses so Jane’s father doesn’t have to drive them everywhere. Rose only has a permit, but that doesn’t stop her from using the car. Seer powers let her know if there’s likely to be trouble, but otherwise she drives like she’s got a grudge against the pavement. She peels out of the parking spot and then slams on the brakes. You hug a carton of eggs to your chest so they don’t splatter against the windshield. “What is it?”

”We have cold bags for everything, right?”

”Yes.” It was overkill for a short trip, but you prefer to be prepared.

She pulls into the store’s partner gas station while you wave apologetically at the elderly woman she just cut off. “This is a date. We’re going to get coffee.”

The coffee machine is broken, so you both get 99 cent slushies and sit on the curb next to the free air pump. The parking spot is empty save for a mulch of cigarette butts and ripped up Lotto tickets. Rose slurps some of her concoction out of a straw. It’s a murky mess, and you spotted her squirting a few shots of energy drink in for good measure. You spent several minutes painstakingly creating a rainbow pattern and are now trying to drink evenly to keep the layers intact. A bag of chips slumps half-empty between you. They’ll complain about that back home, but it’s their fault for not coming along to supervise.

Rose sucks on her straw with a noise like a drain unclogging. “How’s this for romance and adventure?”

“I could do it again,” you say. And you could. The encounter with the cashier still leaves you shaken, but the haze has peeled off the world. It’s funny how after everything you’ve been through, something as simple like this can be energizing. There are groceries in the car that need to get back and a household worth of responsibilities to keep up with, but right now it could just be the two of you setting off on some new adventure. Rose has always made you feel that way. Light players make the world narrow around them, drawing in attention, compressing possibility. They’re a lantern you bump against, entranced. With Rose, you’ve found one that doesn’t burn.

”Well shit, these were ninety-nine cents.” She smirks in the way that means you’ve missed a joke. “I think our budget can afford it.”

”Thank you for dragging me out here.” Lurking in your room seems silly now. “It helps, borrowing your confidence.”

”It’s a show,” she says. “I don’t know how you manage to seem so centered all the time.”

”Amateur theatrics,” you say. “One functional person, here we are.” She raises her drink in a toast, and you knock them together. ”I mean it, though,” you continue. “It’s nice, the way you turn things into adventures. Even if it’s a shopping trip, I don’t know where we’re going to end up. It’s unpredictable, but I like it. I like spending time with you.”

She smiles and looks away. Whenever you’ve successfully induced emotions, she never wants to look you in the eye. “That slushy must have made an impression.”

”It was good.” You flick the straw, sending drops of condensation scattering across the asphalt. “We didn’t have anything like this at home, at least not where I grew up. That might explain part of the rapturous response. But mostly I think it’s because I love you.”

Rose stills. That might be a bad sign, but you’ve gotten yourself into this situation, so you might as well keep going. “I’m not trying to corner you,” you say, looking down at your knees. “I know you have difficulty expressing some things. But I wanted to express that. Right now.”

When you sneak a look over, her shoulders are shaking. The ice from your drink solidifies in your stomach until you realize she’s laughing.

”Do you know how long I’ve been agonizing over this?” she asks.

”I knew why,” you begin. “Your mother…” That’s not a complete sentence, but it doesn’t have to be. Sometimes you want to ask John to transport you into Rose’s past so you can grab the woman by her shoulders and shake her. “How could you be so careless?” you want to demand. “Didn’t you realize what you were doing?” You are all the results of what has been done to you, combined with your attempts to overcome it. Even with your universes gone, their impressions remain as indelible parts of you. You wouldn’t want Rose to be anything other than who she is, but that doesn’t stop you from wishing she could have gotten something better growing up.

“That was what started it.” Rose takes a gulp of her drink. The humor drains from her voice. Now she’ll look you in the eye. “She’d vanish into her laboratory or a drunken stupor and leave me to fend for myself. The first time I tried cooking spaghetti I set off the fire alarm. I couldn’t get it to stop until I climbed up on a chair and took the batteries out. She slept through the whole thing. So when she turned up with a new present, how could I believe it was sincere? And even if it was, it didn’t make up for anything. If all you can give is the trappings of love, like you’ve bought out a Valentines’ clearance sale but can’t be damned to raise your own child, it doesn’t count.” She sloshes the remains of her drink around with one hand and watches it like she’s reading tea leaves. “So I guess I distrusted all of it. The glitz, the performance, anything. Even the words. Because if you do it right, they should know. But… in the past I’ve been guilty of overcorrecting.”

“Really?” You try to keep your tone teasing. Anything else might alarm her.

She elbows you in the ribs, but not hard. “Sometimes I’ve turned the wheel a bit and drifted over the dividing line between reasonable responses and terrible decisions by a few millimeters.”

“I think a driving instructor might say you sailed over the median, engaged with oncoming traffic, and left the highway entirely for parts unknown. What?” you add. “I’ve read the manual you’re all practicing from.”

“Five dollars says you pass the test before I do. After the timeline John made unhappen, I realized I’d never told you. For all the wrong, stupid reasons. I shouldn’t have let any of that stop me. I would’ve died with that as one of my greatest regrets. So I wanted it to be perfect, since I made you wait so long.” She covers her mouth with one hand and smiles through her fingers. “God, you should see my search history. I watched promposal videos, although I wiped all that data and I’ll deny it if you tell anyone. And here we are –” she pauses and shakes her head - “in a gas station parking lot. But you know what? I think it fits.” She slings an arm around your shoulders and plants a sticky kiss on your cheek. “I love you. Let’s make it count.”

This is what you have learned from dating Rose Lalonde. Expect your lives to accumulate the clutter of experiences together – receipts and stolen shirts and empty packages still streaked with frosting. Expect to make missteps, because the two of you are walking an uncharted path one step after another. Sometimes you fall, fight your demons, and climb back up again. You are all doing this for the first time.

Expect her to say she loves you in unexpected ways. A new package of lip gloss left on your pillow. A flower pressed between the pages of a heavy book to make it delicate and perfect. Occasionally, the words.

Make it count.

[iamrebellioussubmissive]

Dating is No Laughing Matter…..

We do what we do because it isn’t all about us… I had a responsibility to my son to be the best I could be regardless of what happened and that was enough for me to go to work, come home were at last I was safer than there and to be honest life got a little better however, from moving to our new home and settling in I was lonely not really ready though to meet someone yet..

After dating my Bisexual ex let’s call him that shall we.. (he was gay let me tell you) I had clocked up 10 months of me being on my own and my flat mate said, call one of those lines late at night, I screwed up my nose said nope, same thing next day he threw the phone at me and I decided to ring this line… cut a long story short I met my current husband.

Let’s back track a little here…. firstly let’s reflect on how it felt…after being drugged and the rest well, I’d rather excuse myself from using (r_p_ ) as a word

How does one go on after you have been so traumatised by another, all because of what?  Beyond my thoughts why some people decide to organise whatever special drug to use on a female that only accepted a dinner date?

I had no idea this would be the worst decision and the longest saga of my entire life, I had no idea this would turn my world upside down and it did in many ways..

All because a guy decided to put something in my meal or drink, still to this day I will never know what that special little extra was… however, I do remember many moments of terror and when I say terror  I mean every word.

I remember my thoughts about I have to get home, sleep and shower and drive 45 minutes to mums to pick up my little boy, I had thoughts of how do I look, I hope I don’t look too tired, I hope no-one notices that I look abit sad, I had too look like I was happy, well rested and that nightmare never happened!!

So, even though I was extremely quite and in my own thoughts, I do not remember thinking about anything or though I am sure I did, I know me, I would have shed a tear, felt guilty because I always felt that bad things always happened to me…

I did my best, smiled and laughed, asked the right questions when picking up my gorgeous son, Sunday I think it would have been a day before school, which again I needed to make sure all his shirts and shorts and pants, lunches and pretty much everything I need to get done wasnt done however, let me tell you was done in time for his school.

The house was extremely quite after that mornings outburst and I also was onto looking for a quick exit out of that damn horrible place, the persons temper was the obvious part such a selfish prick!   Never liked the dude I must admit and to be honest his manner was just as I had thought, a pig and a big huge swine of a doosh bag! (too much?)

Finally, within that week a friend of mine who was moving out said, yes, indeed, let’s move out together, I was tickled pink with delight and told my son we are moving out.  I really cannot recall if he was happy I would say he was.. from what i was informed he was not nice to my little boy and dont think I didnt give him a shouting at .. If you ever think of looking at my boy even a little, I will make sure your sorry ass is mine.. furious wasn’t even close, seething with anger yes, indeed that is pretty much how I felt and even more so…

Slamming the door as his ego got bashed me at 5 foot nothing and him 6 foot 4, some people should have more sense to put years on some adults that should know better, however, not my worry, the next week or so I made sure my son was sleeping comfortable next to me smiling and laughing, I do believe he adored every minute as I did…

The BIG MOVE…..

  I ordered a truck to pick up my entire things all in ONE go, make it happen boys my son is at school and I want to be out of this hovel of a place…. which they did pretty snappy and that was devine and gave me a bit of a breath .. saying to myself , thank bloody god!

I didn’t realise just how stressed I was until I was in my new place unpacking my clothers and putting my sons things into his cupboards, I sat onto his bed and took a few moments to take it in… recall what had happened and I started to cry in fact sob my eyes out in absolute relief and so many why’s, why did bad things happen to me, why did I deserve this, I must be a bad person, It must be a lesson in my life that I had to learn, I would say many of these things and feel everyone of them, let me tell you!

After I had finished tearing myself apart with pity, guilt , blame, and sorrow, I would then wipe my eyes, put on my make-up and continue with my day… btw this was between working for the big T (casual) it felt like FULL time, however, it kept my mind busy and my day went quick.

And life as I thought was okay however, I was suffering from a quick temper, a tad little bit braisen and I really had enough of living with others I wanted to be solo or at least safe with someone that was more familular I guess…

Moving forward to my current moment in time… meeting my current husband…

Like I said way up the page I finally meet this man that sounded like something from a Drama Romance Sit Com (Days of our Lives) his voice was amazing and we spoke for quite a while over the telephone before he jetted down from Bunbury to visit.

Before I fast forward this part I must admit I was nervous and anxious, I was worried that it was too soon to date and even though the terrible incident only happened a few weeks ago I had not realised that it was only 3 maybe 4 I cannot be too sure just how much time had past I knew it was not enough time for my mind , body and soul to heal it’s wound..

However, we met, we liked each other and the rest is my private business, however, I would like to say, if you ever are unfortunate in being put in a position like me I sugguest you speak to someone even it is a close friend… In my case well, I didn’t have one nor would I talk…

I was lucky and unlucky.. it affected many areas of my personal life, my relationship, friends and my son even though he never knew … My own personal battle calapsed and I was affraid to fight, I felt like a disappointment, I knew his father would be much better as a parent… however, I never told his dad, nor did I tell my husband everything until 20 years had past… and now, I thankfully with the help of my darling man and his friend… I owe my sanity and my life to those beautiful quality of a circle that is SMALL however, abundant and extremely loved by me….

GHB DATE RAPE DRUG

GHB LINK

Date Rape – InformationLadies and Gents, I want you all to understand that any type of liberty that is taken away without respect, without any warning and without your concent is an offense and for anyone that does this well, they can face years of jail time….

To my darling son Jordan, no words will ever bring back those years, I will tell you I did try and I was told to go away by your fathers lawyer, I cannot say this will change anything however, I will say that you may have grown up thinking I abandoned you, I will say this… I NEVER LEFT YOUR SIDE EVER, and I don’t care how your dad sees that TUFF, you have grown up into a very successful amazing man which I have to say I am not surprised…

I will forever love you, Francesca (removed the mother title as you requested)

xxx

Sometimes Life comes with a PRICE…. Dating is No Laughing Matter..... We do what we do because it isn't all about us... I had a responsibility to my son to be the best I could be regardless of what happened and that was enough for me to go to work, come home were at last I was safer than there and to be honest life got a little better however, from moving to our new home and settling in I was lonely not really ready though to meet someone yet..

[heavyyhearts-blog]

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

[buddaheadcannonsonice]

Rika’s back and MC gets left P. 5

Rika is back and MC gets sick at the same time she feels abandoned. Part 1 (x) | Part 2 (x) | Part 3 (x) | Part 4 (x) | Part 5 (x)

Some say that people experience 3 different loves throughout their lifetime

The first: the young, idealistic kind of love that looks right but may not feel right

The second: the hard love; where lessons are learned and the kind of unbalanced love where making it work is more important that if is actually should work

The love we wished was right

And finally

The third: the wrecking ball; the one we never see coming and teaches us why the rest didnt work out

Looks wrong; but feels right and lasts

Not always will each be experienced in close age gaps following another; some never experience all three

Others are fortuante and only experience one or two

and others believe they have experienced all three in another life

But sometimes love is only a concept and not real for some people in the sense that love only has to be sexual or romantic  and not familial

Whatever the case you need to acknowledge the different loves

Because love is more than just romantic or classified;

Not always will they be romantic or have enough power in them to stir a storm in you, but there is always a level of light within each love

Sometimes, it can be hard to realize, accept, and even move on from; but sometimes it’s best to move on from them, even if they are your family

---

You don't think you can move

The sounds of blades ripping through the air make your ears hurt and pop

Someone is caressing your head

and someone else is gripping your hand

You don't know where you are or why

But you don't feel like you should be there

The voices are distant and unlike anything you can understand

Sometime later the loud blades stop and you’re being lowered by a few people and wheeled away

You hear people arguing and yelling and you still can't open your eyes

Why can't I see?

You can't move either

You feel needles entering you

Machines all around

And feel nice, clean oxygen enter your nose through tubes

Am I in trouble?

You still cant hear well

But you can feel

You feel someone squeeze your hand and someone kiss your cheek

You don't know where they went but after a few minutes they all left

--- Jahee ---

She can't believe it

She doesn't

Not at first, not until V explains

He explains that Rika had always been sick

that she needed to save everyone and help in anyway she could to feel needed and loved

V explained how she could only help them by hurting them and by making MC the middle person

But he didn't think she would hurt MC

Not in a way that would kill her way at least

By the request of Mr. Han

Jahee had both lawyers and psychologist at the standby ready

But her main concern was MC

She thought MC was gone, that she left without goodbye and was hurt

But no; she was wrong

MC was the victim

What will become of her, she didn't know

She wondered if anyone felt like she did bc no one seemed to think that Rika and V needed to be held accountable

It was a game of pointing fingers and “If MC dies what then?”

She needed something more awakening and filling than coffee atm

She needed MC to be okay

--- Yoosung ----

He was livid

How could V blame everything on Rika? She would never do this!

After he saw the messages he threw his phone

He went to Zen to be caught up and both went with Jahee to the hospital where Jumin and Seven were waiting for MC

He needed to see Rika though

Neither Jahee nor Zen complied

He asked Jumin to take him to see Rika but Jumin just looked at him with an unreadable expression and if he asked Seven, Seven wouldnt have answered since he’d have been busy on his laptop

He almost gave up but then saw Rika in a separate room with V

He couldn't stand V

V did this; by allowing this to continue he hurt MC and RIka

He would never ever forgive him

---- Zen ----

The surgery was long and tiring

He canceled everything and stayed in the waiting room Jumin had set up for them rich kid problems

He really had a need just to smoke all his stress away but didnt want to knowing that MC wasnt a fan of the smell and he didnt want her to say that when she woke up from the surgery

He had it all planned out

“Forget Rika and the rest, let's go and travel without responsibilities MC”

And he hoped she'd agree and maybe even offer to take them all to visit her home and family and

he was excited that the pet she had was a dog and not a cat bc poor bby cant sneeze and have fun at the same time

But he knew he just needed to ask for trust fund over there for some help and once MC was out of here hed propose the idea to her and the other members

BUt first he’d need to know how they found her and everything because V was vague and it irritated him how they kept secrets

He thought they were all family; is this how a family should be?

He really just needed a smoke

---- Seven ----

It's an endless nightmare for him

Hacking into the system worked up until he couldn't continue to watch her stats drop

He didnt want to imagine what damage would befall onto MC

AFter flatlining a few times, he was sure that the doctors would call her time of death but they kept at it

Until finally MC stabilized

When the doctors told the rest the news he didnt think he could breathe until he saw for himself that MC was okay and not taken away again by an occult-following quack of a doctor

So he kept an eye on her through the video

He read on the reports the doctors and nurses were inputting into the system but all he could think about was who Unknown was

V would know, but he didnt trust himself to go to V to get answers

Not at the moment anyways

They must have been good to have helped MC

And isn’t there some saying that if a dog likes a person, it’s because they are good?

----

You can hear and feel and think

But you can't see

Am i even moving?

You being to wonder where you have come to that you don’t understand anything anyone is saying

You panic because you feel people touch you,

but you can’t see anyone or anything and it scares you because they cant hear you to know to stop

You try to hear out for your mom or dad

You feel hands on your face and you panic because you dont want anyone touching you there; you cant stand anyone touching you anywhere

You feel something cold run up your arm and then you fall back to calmness...

---- Jumin ----

He couldnt look at her let alone hug her

He wanted to know that she would forgive him

BUt at the moment he really wanted to know that she would overcome this and wake up and smile

Just to see her smile would make everything else fall into a prefecture of being able to breath easy

The doctors said that she would have to continue on the medication and get on a clinical trial that can possibly help her we all know Jumin pushed for her to be in one

But Jumin didnt think everything would ever be the same

They wrapped her face becasue of the medication that Rika gave her, that caused some deformities in her eyes

They got to her in time to save her eyes, but she won’t be able to see for a few days until she fully recovered

They said she would be groggy when waking up and even confused, which should go away in time

They gave her a sedative to relax her so she wouldnt further injure herself 

But it made him confused that she didnt understand them at all or know who was talking

Or how she was feeling all over herself, which caused her to think someone else was touching her and which caused her to panic even more

He knew he should go and see Rika and V but he couldn’t atm, not while MC was like this

Jahee left to get coffee and to make sure the lawyers were ready for whatever was to come:

Either RIka and V are held accountable or not, or if MC decides to leave everyone and order a restraining order- whatever she wanted, he was sure to deliver

--- Rika ---

“It was all for the sake of everyone”

she chanted over and over, not knowing that she was mumbling to herself as V and her cousin stood by watching her from the doorway 

Some time had passed, not knowing what day it was, or what happened after the girl... the one with the sin... after that sinful girl was taken it all went blank for Rika 

She tried to remember but she couldn’t push past the hazy clouds of incoherent memories she didn’t trust anymore 

There was one doctor she liked that she saw 

He was a man of his word and talked to her about religion and even let her explain how that sinful girl made her way into hurting everyone 

and how it was only possible becuase she and how it was only possible becuase she let it happen

If it had not been for Rika, no one would have met MC

No one would have been saved! 

No one would have been liberated from the tribulations and trials and suffering that came with life had it not been for Rika allowing MC into the RFA

And the doctor understood that. 

Rika didnt ask for updates on the sinful girl bc she wanted to know that it was all worth it in the end to save everyone 

“She woke up and scared everyone when she didnt understand them” V talked to Rika as she continued to mumble her chant 

“Thankfully Jumin is fluent in English and was able to talk to MC for the few moments she didn’t remember Hangul” 

Rika slightly upset that she failed 

Hearing the angels mock her as she sat there listening to V talk about that sinful girl made her angry 

She didnt want to be mocked by the angels anymore 

--- V ---

He felt guilty in ways that he knew were sick and twisted 

He shouldnt have defended Rika or he should have gone to seek help for her

He let Rika’s condition continue and grow until she no longer was the same Rika he first met at the gallery all those years ago 

He was too scared to meet everyone face to face after all that had happened; he didn’t want to see anyone out of fear and shame 

MC woke up confused and only understandable through English

The only thing that kept V sane was the small conversations Jumin would have with him

granted they were mainly one-sided, he felt warm and almost forgiven when Jumin talked to him 

He didn’t know if he would ever recieve forgiveness from MC

at this point, he wasnt sure he even deserved it 

But to know that MC would turn out fine despite all he had done and let Rika do would give him comfort for the rest of his days 

------

Jumin calmly explained how you were not in America anymore and that you were in South Korea 

He helped you remember things you already knew but you didn't want them to know you knew 

You figured it would make things easier if you let them think you forgot the majority of everything 

From them abandoning you to the drugs and to the now; you wanted them all to think you forgot the major events 

You did, however, let them know that you did not forget Paco poor bby was sad until he saw you 

You found it hard to lie to them for the first day and then went to slowly ‘remembering’ Hangul

It was not hard to pretend to be weary around them bc they did abandon you and thought you left them without having known you better 

You wanted to forgive them for having left you and forgotten about you 

but you couldnt find it in you to forgive them 

Try as they might, you could not go back to before Rika resurfaced

Zen offered a trip to the States to visit your family, and Jumin ofc said he would pay for the trip for everyone 

Jahee provided a lot of amazing coffee for you to indulge in such the coffee whore you ever are

Yoosung would stop by and cry for a few seconds each visit and then leave the room in an uncomfortable manner 

and then there was Seven 

You dont know why but you couldn't find it in you to ever stay mad at him

You did want to ask him about Saeran, bc you weren’t sure if you should expose Unknown’s identity to a hacker who works for bosses that dont seem to be the best runner-ups for ‘Boss-of-the-year-award’ 

Would he get in trouble? What if by exposing his name, I’d get him in trouble? I don’t want Saeran to be involved. He shouldn’t have to hide either. Where did he go? Would Seven keep this a secret if I asked him to? 

--- Unknown ---

He watched MC convey confusion and watched how she reacted towards everyone 

How she was at ease with Saeyoung and Jumin the most out of all the RFA 

How she smiled when the secretary would give her coffee and when the red-eyed boy would smile back at her after he would helplessly flirt 

Or how she would tense up when the young blonde boy walked in sad and left sad, but how she would fondly smile at the boy when he was not apologizing

Saeran felt like he was part to blame for what happened to her 

Maybe one day he will come back and see how things would work out if he could find out more about Saeyoung 

He felt like he was making all the right choices and for all the right reasons, that is until MC and Paco became his mission, making him loose the game and goal he set out to win 

His primary concern was how to come back to face Saeyoung without malicious intent 

until then, he figured he would go to America and see how things were for a few weeks how convenient that it would be during their trip to visiting MC’s home town 

----

You didnt know if Yoosung would ever look at you the same

it bothered you slightly how the one person who you thought would have stayed by your side would leave you a lot more than the rest 

But you knew 

you knew how this must have all been confusing for him to have discovered what mental issues his cousin was dealing with 

You just wished that he didn't blame V for everything 

bc it wasnt V, it was all Rika 

You know you should forgive and forget but you couldnt 

It didnt feel right to lie to Seven and Jumin 

but you got the sense that they knew you knew 

Somehow it a silent agreement between the 3 of you to pretend that you dindt remember most of the past few weeks 

You were scared of leaving teh hospital because you didnt want to be alone anymore 

but you were scared of the hospital from the beginning since most of everything started with the hospital 

Jumin offered you the best lawyers and doctors and space as an apology 

while Seven kept you company and when he thought you slept, you could hear him profusely apologize 

You agreed to Zen’s idea of a vacation only after V admitted Rika into the psychiatric ward 

Yoosung wouldnt talk to you for days or to anyone, but you felt like maybe he needed to take time to re-evaluate his thoughts 

You enjoyed it when Jahee would bring in a good cup of coffee and talk to you like you used to before 

No one mentioned the illness you had or the Rika events 

It made you happy to not think about the stress or heartbreaking moments 

but it made you sad too because it was your life 

and no one was acknowledging it at all 

You did, however, receive only one letter from Unknown who asked you to keep his real name a secret until the next time you would meet 

He reminded you that you could still talk to Paco about the part of your life everyone was okay with omitting 

And you understood why they wanted to omit that bit of your life, but omitting it doesn't completely mask the fact that it happened 

Maybe this will all catch up and resurface some day to where everyone would come to terms with it all 

and maybe then Rika would be back to how everyone said she was but you found it hard to believe and less thrilling to picture

But until then you figured out to slowly let them into your heart instead of you into theirs, things could be different 

Maybe you would learn to forgive them and learn to trust them as they did to you before Rika 

But you figured it would take time 

A person can only hold out so much before they crumble after having pieces of them chipped and filled away to make space for other people to fit with them

Maybe if you had stayed home instead of venturing for adventure, you wouldnt have become terrified of the dark, needles, and strangers so much 

Maybe if you didn’t answer those messages you wouldnt have become so traumitized by a group of people you considered family 

But maybe if Rika didn’t go crazy on you, you wouldn’t have formed such bonds with people 

And you know that there was still a lot of more to discover of each member of the RFA before you could ever think of leaving your family 

For the moment you would settle with: Rika staying far away from you,

everyone hovering including the ever so distant smoll angry Yoosung,

the constant suppression of events you wanted to make everyone feel guilty about but couldnt bc they did that on their own, 

and the knowledge that this dysfunctional group of misfits would be your final, unforeseen, and third love.

[tumblunni]

Bunni continues to play Richard And Alice! Random thoughts and stuff!

* I’m really not good at point and click advantures, so i dunno if my opinion is very valuable, but this one just seems... not good, gameplay-wise. The sections are all different lengths and difficulty levels in each chapter, and not in a fitting way. Like so far the only one where I had to combine two items was the first chapter, it took me ages to figure out what the game wanted me to do with the bedsheets. And then the second chapter had like zero point and click at all, you just had to find one toy brick and stick it to block one hole, then it was just story cutscenes. And now in chapter three we have a suddenly huge snowfield to explore with your painfully slow walk speed, yet there’s only like one thing you need to find and just... I’m getting surprisingly anxious worrying if I missed something cos i only found that one thing! There was a whole section i didnt explore cos i didnt realise you couldnt go back outside after you managed to open the door. And what was with the misdirect of Alice saying ‘maybe i can reach this window if i have something to stand on’ and then instead she just shot off the lock on the door? Does that mean there were multiple solutions to this puzzle and thats why the place was so huge?

* Anyway, the story continues to be intriguingly good! I continue to be really engaged in poor Alice’s journey through this post apocolyptic snow world with her lil son, and I continue to be really worried what happened to that son, since this is a flashback and Alice met Richard alone... Also I like the continuity that Barney is continuing to talk about the close call they had last time with a monsterous bastard who kidnapped them. This poor lil 7 year old is struggling to keep up and struggling to keep smiling so his mum won’t be sad, and its just SO COLD and he doesnt understand why they left ‘the safe house’ because he doesnt understand they were prisoners there. And god, its so sad cos you can understand how Alice might be getting frustrated with him, and you can understand that she KNOWS she’s being irrational, but she’s just so scared that she sucks at keeping up a brave face for her kid. But I think she’s doing a great job, she’s way more of a badass survivor than anyone else would have been in this situation! And Barney is being incredibly good too, he’s being really patient and obedient to his mum and he’s a really considerate kid, he gave his mum his toy car cos she was getting sad remembering when her husband was alive and they used to ‘go on adventures’. (”But we’re on an adventure now, mummy!”)

* And MAN I am REALLY WORRIED for this poor kid, he’s been showing signs of getting sick as they were travelling the snowy wasteland and I hope they can at least get a break now they’ve found this abandoned house to sleep in. BUT NOPE! Alice finds mysterious scary notes with some sort of log of... people...? It definately doesnt feel like just someone recording visitors or survivors they met, its got a weird sort of... priorities, to what was written down. ‘Fem. caucasian. 20s. Compliant. 65lbs.’ And then what struck me as especially weird was that someone would classify a kid as ‘Female. age 7. 21 lbs’ instead of like.. actually writing that it was a kid. This is someone seeing these people as.. merchandise. You never really get an answer in this chapter but I think it’s someone who was offering survivors fake shelter and then cannibalising them T_T The chapter just ends with Alice finding an ambiguously scary room with a bloodstain, but this is the only shelter they have, so all she can do is lock the door again so her kid doesn’t see, and barricade the front door in case this cannibal cult comes back for their home base... *shudder*

* But also seriously, why did I collect like five other red herring letters as well as the cannibal one? And a rusty saw and ammo for a different gun. Was that JUST red herrings or did I miss an optional puzzle?

* Its actually a weird relief to get back out of the flashback and back to our slightly-less-horrible horrible situation in present times. Sure, Alice and Richard are locked in prison, but in this apocolyptic scenario its a relief to be somewhere where you get daily food and working electricity. There’s even a tv that only sometimes doesnt work! And they have each other, and they’re building up a nice friendship now, and it just feels quite optimistic. Richard’s even getting a bit of a crush on Alice, even though the attempts at flirting between the two of them are failing horribly cos they’re both total goobers. i dunno, if they do get together in the end, I totally wouldnt mind it! I dont think its really necessary though.

* Aww but the more we learn about everyone’s backstory, the more I really wanna hug em! We still dont know very much about Richard, but we’ve learned now that he had an ‘average childhood’, at least, by his definition. And he lived in some sort of small country town, and he joined the army in order to see more of the world. But it went really badly and he got sent to prison for rebelling against a superior officer who made a clearly immoral order. JUSTICE FOR RICHARD, GRARR!! And then Alice continues to be way more well developed and interesting, even though I do still feel sympathetic for richard, yknow. Just a lil frustrated that it took us so long to even hear that lil bit about him, when he’s supposed to be the ‘main character’. Seriously he seems like just a framing device for us to talk to alice and see her flashbacks! Anyway, now we’ve learned that Alice didn’t have much of a childhood, because she was hospitalized for a long time. And she talks about how she felt like a burden and felt suicidal and how she never even got to make any friends til she grew up and became a lil more healthy, and then she sorta ended up in an unplanned pregnancy with the first man she ever dated, and never had a chance to pursue her dream career and just... wow Alice dear god, someone up there in the heavens hates you! God, I hope this game has an actual happy ending, please! And also it makes me EVEN MORE WORRIED about what happened to her kid, now im starting to worry if maybe he inherited her childhood disease and like.. it only first started manifesting during the apocolypse and she wasnt able to find a doctor in time.. or something... MAN THIS GAME IS GIVING ME A MILLION WAYS THIS SWEET BOY COULD DIE

* Oh but one random complaint... much as I care about Barney, he kinda isnt a very well written character. They fall into a lot of super outdated ‘fake movieverse child’ cliches instead of like.. bothering to listen to what actual kids talk like. He’s always using that fake cutesy talk like ‘i made you a waffle but i eated it’. Its rather jarring! ...but still I WILL DEFEND MY VIRTUAL SON FOREVER dont you dare kill him off just because his dialogue is poorly informalized!

* The next chapter is kinda boring, its not really even a chapter but just an intermission to show us some more gameplay and nothing else. Richard and Alice do nothing but have an awkward fetch quest to find enough stuff to make a pole to reach the termostat outside the jail cell, and then after all that it ends up failing anyway. I guess at least we do get a bit of character development cos we get to see them both frustrated and having a bit of an argument, then making up again, and etc. But meh, bring on the next actual plot flashback!

* “Why does Daddy live in the ground?”

* thats it im done this is how bunni is slain fucking hell

* god, I dunno if I made the right choice but I chose to be honest with the kid and try and explain what death is. I got to hear the backstory of how the dad died, so i THINk that was the right choice? It seems he died back when barney was too young to even really know him. It was at the start of the apocolypse and the family was doing semi okay living in a shared shelter with a bunch of other people. But then it was the start of government aid breaking down and society crumbling, and a gang stole the last food ration pack from them and the dad thought he could reason with them. And its just so sad cos Alice is thinking of all the ways it could have been prevented! ‘We’ve gotten used to surviving with less now, what if we’d just let that food go? we could have lasted’ And what if they’d shot first and asked questions later, instead of trying to be diplomatic. And apparantly back then things were a little less abd so there actually was a trader they could have got more food from, but resources were limited so they decided it wasnt worth it at the time. And the after the gang killed the dad and some of the other leaders of the shelter group, it seems like things just collapsed in a power struggle and thats how Alice ended up alone... And you just have this sad sidequest to gather flowers for his grave and then Barney is all ‘i dont really know him and i dont understand so i feel bad that i cant cry’ and then he’s asking if dead people can hear you from down in the ground. And I picked being honest again, and Alice didnt say yes or no, she just admitted that nobody really knows what happens after you die, and you have to choose what you want to believe. So Barney chooses to try and tell his dad about how they’re having a good day playing in the snow on this adventure, and Alice tells him that Barney’s grown up so big and strong, and Barney says ‘Yeah! Strong like a lion! Or you, daddy!’ and BUNNI’S SOUL SHATTERS INTO A MILLION PIECES

* i am gone i am deceased at this deceaseness aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

* And there’s like an optional note you can find that tells the story about some unnamed kid who was living alone with their friend Lucy and they were trying to survive without any adults to help, and its all SCARILY VAGUE and I hope we get to learn more about them later cos it just says how the same gang who killed the dad was just.. ominously circling around the area and Lucy was acting weird and then dissappeared, with a letter saying she chose to leave for [insert name of far away settlement here] but it was really suspicious and the unnamed kid thinks that the gang was threatening lucy and they must have kidnapped her and faked this note and then the diary just ENDS it just ends with the kid talking about how much they love lucy and cant live without her and we dont know if they found her or if she even really was kidnapped?? ITS SO VAGUE! its so vague that honestly im only just assuming the diary writer was a kid too, i mean maybe they were lucy’s parent or sibling or something? or maybe both them and lucy are older? but the way it was written sounded like they were like early high schoolers or something (then again this game is bad at writing kid characters so maybe not) I MOURN FOR YOU, UNNAMED DIARY PERSON AND LUCY OF MYSTERY

* OH GOD DOOM when it went back to modern day, now its got all mysterious and weird and sad too, AAAARRRGH the heroes are still in prison, but the guards have stopped coming to their cell and theyre stuck here scared and worrying and you dont know if the obvious has actually happened... i mean maybe the prison has been abandoned or everyone died and now they’re stuck here locked in their cell and AAAA eventually the cold will start seeping in and kill them too and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

* okay im gonna go get back to playing this game

[i-amusemyself]

All 100 Questions.

Bloody hell okay thank you!!! 😄😄😄

1. Is a kiss considered cheating?Yeah, Id say so.

2. Have you ever faked orgasm?Aint never had anyone to fake it with 😂 Ngl tho its the sort of thing id do (which is terrible i know)

3. If you could have one super power, what would it be?Mind reading.

4. Do you think youre gonna be rich in 7-8-9 years?I’d be worried if I didnt have more money than I have now, but idk.

5. Tell us some funny drunk story?Oh jeez erm, I don’t really have any 😂 My friends occasionally remind me of the time at the school christmas ball one of the business teachers turned up and I quickly ran away while aggressively whispering “oh no he knows im a lesbian, aimee told him”.

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?We work better as friends, its less stressful.

7. If you had to choose one way to die what would it be?See I’m really torn with this question. Part of me thinks itd be nice just to go in my sleep, with a heart attack or something. Its quick and painless you know.But equally I wonder if it would be better to maybe, like, have something where I knew I was gonna die. Because then I’d have time to try and do everything on my bucket list and say goodbye to everyone. Also maybe at that point I’d welcome death lmao.

8. What are your current goals?Idk? Im waiting on A level results which I really hope I’ve done well in.I hope to make lots of new friends at uni and learn how to look after myself quickly I guess. I dont know.

9. Do you like someone?I like a lot of people 😆

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?Im really not sure??? There arent many people I expect anything from and even then my standards are pretty low. So like, I dont really get disappointed by people, only occasionally by situations.

11. Do you like your body?I could hate it a lot more, but I wouldnt say I’m happy with my body or general appearance. I struggle a lot with my features and my weight and the scars I have (which is ridiculous but thats what mental illness is)

12. Can you keep a diet?I mean if I wasnt on the diet im on rn (with lots of restrictions) id probs be in hospital 😂

13. If the whole world was listening to you right now, what would you say?Honestly id pass out under the pressure of it 😂 idk, id tell them all to take a chill pill but no one would listen.

14. Do you work?Nah, i had 3 jobs at once last yeah but now I’ve ended up with none.

15. If you could choose only one food to eat for the rest of your life what would it be?Either garlic bread or chocolate I cant decide!

16. Would you get a tattoo?I’m v much planning on getting one in the near future so yh!!

17. Something you dont mind spending all your money on?Plane tickets.

18. Can you drive?Yeah! I havent driven since I passed my test, but hopefully I havent forgotten how to that quickly!

19. When was the last time someone told you youre beautiful?…I cant remember. Thats depressing (not that I blame them).

20. What was the last thing you cried for?Argh I have no idea why I was crying, my brain just wasnt doing its job so everything made me stressed and sad.

21. Do you keep a journal?I keep a blog for diary posts but besides that nah

22. Is life fun?If you allow it to be, yeah

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?Tf is that supposed to mean? I guess if you know the person well it is.

24. Whats your dream car?I dont know about Dream Car, id have to research it loads to decide what my absolute fave it. Although rn I’d really love a ‘67 VW beetle bc theyre small and cheap on insurance 😂

25. Are grades in school important?My own grades are super important to me, (to the point its probably unhealthy) but in terms of how the people around me do, it doesnt really matter to me. I mean, I want everyone to do well, but I dont judge people based on it.

26. Describe your crush.She’s funny and all around awesome and interesting and good at deep convos and beautiful and way out of my league.

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?The last one I read called The Bell Jar. It was unlike anything I’ve ever read and made me think about a lot of things. Also I related a lot with the main character.

28. What was your last lie?Eh, probably “im fine”.

29. Dumbest lie you ever told?Idk?? I only keep track of the good lies 😉

30. Is crying in front of people embarrasing?It shouldnt be but yeah, I try my best not to.

31. Something you did and are proud of?Umm, idk im p proud of playing basketball and representing my region/training with england. But i quit that so 👏 dicks out for my regrettable decisions 👏

32. Whats your favourite cocktail?Never had one

33. Something you are good at?Annoying people and being clingy 😂 also maths ig

34. Do you like small kids?It depends on the child, the day of the week, the lunar cycle, my menstrual cycle, how hungry I am…Yh legit sometimes I hate them sometimes I love them.

35. How are you feeling right now?Great omg I just got my best friend to watch mamma mia and now shes high on life next to me.

36. What would you name your daughter/son?🤐 there are a couple of names for girls I like and like 2 boys names? But i dont wanna say bc theyre embarrasing.

37. What do you need to be happy?Good company, good food and possibly music.

38. Is there someone you want to punch in the face right now?Theres always at least 3 people I would love to punch 😂

39. What was the last gift you recieved?My best friend got me a necklace and I almost cried its so beautiful

40. What was the last gift you gave?The gift of my company @only-slightly-dangerous 😉😉😉

41. What was the last concert you went to?I went to to see Amber Run in february

42. Favourite place to shop at?Um, as in shop? A place called blue banana probs (england’s hot topic smh)

43. Who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander bc they helped me to understand who I am and how I feel and to be loud and proud about it.And Luke Cutforth bc he’s so open about his mental health and struggles with self harm but hes so happy now.

44. How old were you when you first got drunk?18 lmao

45. How old were you when you first got high?It aint happened yet (and i dont really want it to)

46. How old were you when you first had sex?It aint happened yet smh

47. When was your first kiss?As far as im concerned never

48. Something you want to do until the end this year?What….does this mean….? Idk???

49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadnt done?It’s more stuff I wish I had done tbh. I suppose I said things I shouldnt have or got too involved in drama, but you kinda need all that secondary school shit to learn from it

50. Post a selfie.Lmao nah fam

51. Who are you most comfortable around?My best friend by a mile. Privacy who?

52. Name one thing that terrifies you.Abandonment without explanation.

53. What kind of books do you read?Anything non fiction about medicine/being a doctor/disease/psycopaths.Besides that whatever has been recommended.

54. What would you tell your 12 y/o self?1. Youre gay2. You and I both know you arent joking about being “a dude trapped in a girls body” stop laughing it off and confront it.3. Stand up for yourself.4. Chill out.5. Laugh a lot more omg

55. What is your favourite flower?It’s between petunias and roses

56. Any bad habits you have?Not answering peoples messages unless theyre Certain Person A or Certain Person B.

57. What kind of people are you attracted to?Ones that are out of my league and could kick my ass apparently. Also ones that are kind, listen and think a lot I guess

58. What was the last thing you cried for?Already answered

59. Is there something you dont eat? A food that truly disgusts you?I dont eat loads of stuff bc my guts hate me 😂 but besides all that I’m actually the worlds least picky eater. The only thing I dont like is raw tomato. Thats it.

60. Are you in love?I wish

61. Something you find romantic?All the clichés ngl 😂 just anything that says “i love you” or “i was thinking about you” really

62. How long was your longest relationship?Like 4 months? Barely long term.

63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?Oh jeez i hate these theyre so stereotype-y1. Bitching2. Not supporting each other3. ….?

64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex?1. Not supporting each other2. Massive egos3. Yelling

65. What are you saving money for?Uni so I dont starve to death!

66. How would you describe your bad side?Hmm, idk, it depends what someone did to get on my bad side. I’d say stubborn, bitter and angry tho usually.

67. Are you actually a good person? Why?I could be wrong but I think so long as someone has morally good intentions they are usually a good person, whether they always succeed or not. So yeah, I like to think I am.

68. What are you living for?My friends and the hope I have for my future.

69. Have you ever done anything illegal?Piracy? Thats it.

70. Do you like your money?….did I type this question wrong or??

71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?Okay, the honest answer? Yeah. When I was a lot younger and less mature and someone said something that hurt me, I tried to retaliate with equally hurtful comments. I like to think I wouldnt do that now.

72. Ever sent nudes?Lol no

73. Have you ever cheated on someone?Hell no

74. Favourite candy?All candy hates me 😂

75. Is there a blog you visit everyday or almost every day? Tag them.Yeah @oneshappyplace knows I regularly spam her with notes in search or Quality Memes (im so sorry)

76. Do you play any computer games? Whats ur fave?Nah, as if I have time 😂

77. Favourite TV series?Argh I canny choose? I love the IT Crowd, I love supernatural, I love Sherlock, I love in the flesh…

78. Are you religious? Does God exist?I’m not religious and personally I don’t believe there’s a god or higher power but I could be wrong.

79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?The Bell Jar. See 27.

80. What do you think about vegetarians and veganism?I respect it I guess? At one point I was p much a vegetarian until I had to restrict my diet sooo. Tho I could never be one now, let alone a vegan.

81. How long have you been on tumblr?Too long 😂😂😂 Like 3 or 4 years?

82. Do you like chinese food?Love it!

83. McDonalds or Subway?(Never been to subway so) McDonalds.

84. Vodka or Whisky?(Never had whisky so) Vodka.

85. Alcohol or Drugs?(Never had drugs so) Alcohol.

86. Ever been out of your country?I’m currently in the USA so yeah 😂

87. Meaning behind your blog name?It’s p self explanatory and also v true

88. What are you scared of?Abandonment, deep water, knives, toys with battery packs.

89. Last time you were insulted?Ugh, probs like when I met up with a load of school friends for our leaver’s ball.

90. Most traumatic experience?I’d rather not answer that lmao (plus itd take a long time to type)

91. Perfect date idea?Chilling and listening to each other’s favourite songs while coexisting and eating fast food 😂 that or ikea ngl

92. Favourite app on your phone?Tumblr. Even though I hate it, it also keeps me sane.

93. What colour are the walls in your room?White and blue.

94. Do you watch youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?I love so many youtubers omg. Lukeisnotsexy, mileschronicles, realisticallysaying and filthy frank are faves

95. Share your favourite quote.Pick your fights.

96. What is the meaning of life?To live life to the fullest so youre happy and have minimal regrets. Also to be kind and helpful so even if you dont change the world you might help someone else to.

97. Do you like horror movies?I think….? But I’m not good at watching them alone 😂

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Eh…again, would rather not answer (we got some nice supressed memories here)

99. Do you feel lucky or special in any way?I’m still totally in awe of how lucky I am to have met my best friend from 3000 miles away. Like, the probability of it was so so slim and yet here we are.

100. Can you keep a secret?I think so yh! It’s something that I consider super important.

[brimscythes]

16 17 18 for all your ocs :3c

i have over 100 ocs so im just gonna do shadow, rita, jessie, gunther, mercer [cause these are interesting w him], city, and casino16. Do they dream? What are those dreams like?shadow: nightmares, often. usually people yelling at him or being late or getting fucking murdered or reliving a tragic experience, like the death of hope [childhood friend he fucking killed]rita: he doesnt dream a lot!! when he does, its a mild stress dream [having to do a speech but doesnt have cue cards, fires, etc] or someone/attwood [guy he used to know] trying to strangle him, sometimes getting burried alive. hes had some weird like flashback things to the necklaces’ past lives but those are… bizarrejessie: doesnt dream!! hes a robot! he doesnt even sleep. he can be shut off but… why… why do that when he can stop crime 24/7gunther: he dreams, but its a healthy enough mix of dreams and weird shit and nightmares. he usually dreams about horses and shit and has nightmares about becoming a monstermercer: weird dreams about shopping malls. always. shopping malls.city: he usually has good dreams honestly, if he can remember them. sleeping with your boyfriend under the stars is nice enough to do that, i guesscasino: has stress dreams. fires, his teeth falling out, being burried alive, the like.

17. Are they more shaped by nature or nurture — who they are, or what has happened to them? How have these shaped who they’ve become as a person?shadow: nature!!! sure he was raised to be an incredible assassin and a real agent of chaos in his world, but he is literally the potential antichrist and his mother’s whole family is either criminals, cannibals, or other terrible things. he craves flesh cause its a family trait. all of natalie’s sons were fucked over before they even beganrita: nurture. sure, he got his anxious tendencies and anger issues from his parents- but his personality is definitley a result of a lack of nurture. his dad left and his mom couldnt/didnt pay enough attention to him and had bad post partum depression. the neglect and lack of socialization leds him to a lack of empathy and a strong code of “im the only one who will ever take care of me”, which overtime grows into almost delusional levels of narcissism and a strong disconnect with everyone else because he just… cant relate on an emotional level. he doesnt see why he shouldnt have what he wants just cause some laws say he cant, which is why hes the best jewel thief in townjessie: nature. jessie wasnt raised at all. hes programming. hes a robot with a chip with coding that says who he is. the way he acts is exactly how its written in his programming and he never goes outside of that because he cantgunther: nature! gunther greymantle’s natural desire to be a hero and helpfulness is what leads him to inventing guns and dedicating his life to murdering any possible werewolf/vampire/thing that goes bump in the night. hes lawful evil but everything he does, he does because his heart tells him its the good thing to do, and that cant be nurtured out of someone as moralistic as gunther. i love himmercer: nurture! he was kidnapped as a lil kid and raised by his kidnapper, so, like, if his kidnapper dad hadnt gotten him involved in contract killing… maybe he wouldnt use his superpower to become a traceless assassin driving around a serial killer and his friend in a fucking kiacity: nurture. city is the nicest out of his siblings due to his mothering from vegas’ mom, who had to take care of him cause his mom died in childbirth. but at the same time, traveling the wastes has shown him how fucked up people can be, which is why he can be more brutal than his brother. he was exposed to brutality and learned it to survivecasino: nurture. if his sister didnt abuse him, or he’d been allowed to leave his casino, or city didnt leave, he would probably have much less of a ‘me vs the world’ atttitude and be far less paranoid. college [his sister] treating him cruely and isolating him led to his ppd and extreme agoraphobia and ruthlessness

18. What kind of person could they become in the future? What are some developmental paths that they could take, (best, worst, most likely?) what would cause them to come to pass, and what consequences might they have? What paths would you especially like to see, and why?shadow: after his mom dies he becomes a wreck and throws himself into more murder and stuff and also has a fun time doing drugs w his half brother felix while his other siblings improve their livesrita: thankfully, rita becomes a … slightly better person? because his heist crew/family wont take THAT MUCH of his shit he learns to be a little less harsh and actually starts to like other people who arent him or his childhood friend. he even gets over his internalized shit and gets a boyfriend yeehaw. hes never… healthy, emotionally, and never really becomes a GOOD person, but at least he does feel legitimate worry when vadim gets beat up at school [could it be? empathy? how the fuck should he know]jessie: KEEPS BEING A CRIME FIGHTING SWEETBOY literally the only way that wouldnt happen would be if someone fucked w his code and. thatd make me sadgunther: he who fights monsters……. gunther and lydia are best frends who are literally like one bad away from becoming monsters, figurativley and literally, so it certainly doesnt sound like his future is good if he doesnt confront the issues his father’s death left him with or reconsile with the brother he abandoned in favor of becoming a monster huntermercer: mercer never stops being a hired killer but he does get a boyfriend, meet his family again, adopt his sister figure, and start living in an actual house instead of a car, though! sleeping in beds is fucking weird for him. hes lived in a car his whole lifecity: JUST A HAPPY DOMESTIC BOY W HIS MOTORCYCLE LOVING BF LEO!!casino: casino has a daughter with his trans husband and also dies one day without confronting his issues because not everyone gets a recovery arc in the apocalypse :(