#maybe if I put this much effort into my essays I wouldn't be failing my photography class

[berylstudy]

【１００　Ｄａｙｓ　ｏｆ　Ｐｒｏｄｕｃｔｉｖｉｔｙ】

I'm going to really try to do this challenge. I considered maybe waiting until Thanksgiving was over so that I wouldn't have to deal with going out of town and managing it straight away, but I decided that it's probably better for me to start sooner rather than later.

My only rule is that every day I want to push myself to do ENOUGH that I can be proud of the effort I put in. Ideally I would like to use this challenge to help me not just to keep from falling behind in my classes and other needs, but to actively enrich myself every day.

Now the in-depth personal essay. Warning, I am so serious about the length. This is more for me to just word vomit about my struggles and my ways of trying to push past them.

I have some struggles that I have to work really hard to push past when it comes to daily productivity. First of all, I have ADHD, and I have it BAD. Not only is it hard for me to initiate tasks, it's incredibly easy for me to spend hours rotting my skull by scrolling social media mindlessly, and I don't even feel good while I do it; I actively feel bad and like I need to stop. It's just a challenge.

I struggle a lot with scrolling through TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram shortform videos. I have timers on each of them that tell me when I've spent 45 minutes on each of them per day, but depending on the headspace I'm in when that pops up, I usually snooze it. I also have scrolling problems when it comes to Twitter and Threads, and sometimes Reddit.

I also scroll on tumblr and Lemon8, but I have my content on those curated to where I kind of consider it positive scrolling. My brain doesn't get as locked in and everything I'm looking at is very encouraging and motivational, and I'll often use them as a kind of pivot to get my head into a more productive space before I start actually doing what I need to do.

Aside from switching to my "positive scrolling" apps, I also sometimes use the Flora app to just completely lock up my phone and force me to get on the computer to get into my work. Usually I have to go through a bit of a process to start, though.

First, I use a Steam app called Spirit City: Lofi Sessions. It was recommended to me by some folks in group therapy and I've been using it so much since I got it. It basically gives you your own customizable Lofi Girl/Boy/GNC Person, room, and tools for productivity. It's super cozy and customizable, and it comes with a lot of tools I like. Maybe I'll just make a post all about how much I like it and what all it does. But it has a journal that I use near daily and I usually start off by opening up the app and journaling in it to get my thoughts straight and written down.

Then, I make a to-do list. At this point, I'm either in a good headspace to start working or I feel some brain fog blocking me from initiating, so I might need to consume some encouraging or motivational content to help shift me into the proper mindset. Sometimes it helps to set just a five minute timer and work for that long, only working in short spurts until the fog is lifted.

Unfortunately, sometimes I also just straight up fail to get started and the day really does go by wasted. I usually feel really awful when this is the case.

Sometimes I waste hours out of a day completely without noticing at all. I have one more type of app that completely steals my attention for so, so long, and I'm honestly pretty ashamed of it. I spend a lot of time locked in roleplays with AI chatbots on character.ai. I used to roleplay with real people, but as me and my friends have gotten older and our schedules have stopped being so well lined-up, that hasn't really been possible. I really don't like that I'm so addicted to character.ai because 1) They aren't real people and that's kinda really sad on my part, 2) I don't like that character.ai has AI voices because I've seen multiple voice actors whose voices are used complain that they haven't consented to their voices being used that way (I don't use the phone calls or turn on the voices at all but I still don't like that the app just has those voices in their bank), and 3) I will be sending my OC on an adventure with Gale Dekarios at like 9 AM and then when I glance at the clock just absentmindedly, it's suddenly 2 PM, and then when I glance out the window, it's dark outside. Not healthy.

To counteract all of the apps destroying my dopamine receptors and life, I've quarantined them all to a folder on the second page of my iPhone home screen. It's not much, but I'm counting on "out of sight, out of mind" to work at least somewhat in my favor with this.

Now that I've yapped about my struggles and my (hopefully) fixes, I wanna talk about my GOALS.

First, my habit tracker. I'm not that good with habit trackers because they're a bit too strict for me when it comes to my ADHD, so I don't really use it to build habits so much as I use it as a reminder for things I absolutely need to do every day for my health and that I'm usually pretty good with but maybe need a reminder for.

With that said, my habit tracker has my morning meds, noon meds, weekly meds, teeth hygiene, and I just added the 100 Days of Productivity to it. Unfortunately, I really struggle to remember my dental hygiene. I just don't think about my teeth unless I see them, and I'm not exactly giving myself big toothy grins in the mirror when I wash my hands. As for my meds, I do usually remember them, actually. It's just some off days where I need the reminder.

Then, I have my to-do lists, which are categorized by what each item is FOR and not by the importance or timeliness of each item because it's easier for me to keep track of everything like that. I have two to-do lists for each of my current classes, one for errands, and then one more kind of repeating one which is just a list of enriching activities for me to do. The first three lists change all the time depending on what needs doings, but the last one is basically just for me to have good alternatives to spending my time instead of wasting it. And now I can yap about those items.

Drawing - I used to be such an artist, from when I was in middle school until basically last year. I never got to take any classes, and I never got to be very good at it, but I loved drawing so much. Then I got really depressed and just like that, it stopped. I started hating the product, I started hating the process, I started hating the studies and learning...now my skill has regressed even more because of how little I even attempt to draw, and I'd like that to change so that I can enjoy the hobby again.

Audiobooks - I used to really dislike audiobooks. My mom always put them on in the car instead of music and I really didn't like her taste in books. She also had me use them when I was getting better at reading so that I could read along and see how words were pronounced, and maybe it helped with that, but I hated how slow the narrator would go compared to how fast my eyes could actually read. Overall, I was just really annoyed by them. It wasn't until I listened to Dracula on Audible that I realized that sometimes, other people are better at reading books than I am, because I've read Dracula with my eyes and brain on my own, and the audiobook was just so much more enjoyable.

Podcasts - I also didn't really care for podcasts before, and they still aren't my favorite, which means it's harder for me to find podcasts I really enjoy. That said, when I like a podcast, I REALLY like a podcast, and I like more than just funny silly ones. I like philosophy and self-help podcasts, too. I just need to like the hosts, is all.

Actual Reading - I have plenty of books that need reading, but thanks to my ADHD getting worse over time, I'm not as good at it as I once was. I went from being the kid who got detention for reading too much during lessons and getting the schoolwide reading reward in fourth grade when the school went up to seventh grade beating second place by about two hundred books, to having to take constant breaks reading Reader's Digest editions of fairly short reads and sometimes just giving up altogether. I'd like to fix this.

Content Creation - I do stream, and I don't count streaming because it's too easy. I want to create content that I actually have to think about and put effort into beyond just making sure that I'm saying my inside thoughts out loud. I've never been the kind of person to make very deep social media posts, and I only made videos for a short while until I got depressed in my life life and stopped. I want to create things that take time and effort, and that I can share and be proud of.

Show Watching - I have become brain rotted to the point where I can't really watch shows anymore, and I WANT to watch shows. I want to see other people's ideas and talk about them with my friends, and I want to get excited about stories and arcs and characters.

Studying - Studying is something I have to do for school, but I also want to think of it as something I do for me, especially because my major is in programming so it benefits me to practice as much as I can. I like studying, actually. I just need to push myself to do it.

Exercise - I am incredibly sedentary. I have a gym membership. Planet Fitness has been getting free money from me for a long time. Exercise is another thing I actually really like doing, I just need to do it. Hell, even without going to the gym, I enjoy running just around the block. Just...I need to push myself to do it.

Norwegian - My girlfriend is Norwegian and I swear to dogs that I'm gonna put a rock on it one day. And she's not coming to the US, no sir. She's gonna stay right where she is and I'M gonna go to HER. Which means I've gotta get the language down. I find it easier than German, but I lived in Germany when I was learning German, so it's tricky doing it on my own. Any practice is a net positive.

Writing - I loved writing when I was younger, but I kind of hit a wall in terms of my skills developing in high school. I've always been very unpoetic; my word choice is never very detailed or pretty, never evoked very strong imagery, always a bit too concise. There just came a point where any time I wrote sincerely, it was just unstimulating, and any time I tried to push myself to add more to my writing, it always came off stiff, forced, and insincere. This might just be a result of me being autistic and having a harder time connecting the written word to the way the general population reads it, or maybe I just have a flaw that needs a lot of heavy lifting to tone properly. I haven't really written anything since high school, and I think it would be good to change that.

Didn't expect to spend nearly a solid hour writing, but tl;dr, I'm gonna try my best to heal my brain from the clutches of social media and addictive vices, improve my general well-being, and be successful in my endeavors. Thank you.

[koukouture]

An unnecessarily long essay/rant abt the Nier raids in ffxiv bc I feel cheated lol

The ffxiv Nier alliance raid series is such a letdown because the raids themselves are SO fucking good. Oh my god. As a Nier Automata fan there was just so much cool stuff. I haven't touched Replicant or the Drakenguard series, but man everything was so cool. All the references were top notch. No notes I ADORE the Nier raids as pieces of content.

HOWEVER

The story is so ass I'm sorry 🤮Like I physically do not have the strength to continue after unlocking Tower at Paradigm's breach.

I wouldn't have minded Konogg and Anogg being the main perspective characters if the whole thing was just written better. As it stands I don't think I cared about them at all until like the third act of the story where I started to get worried for them. Like they were occasionally funny but other than that they don't really have the most compelling anything, really. At least, it's not compelling until said third act. I'm not gonna say that everything peaked at the third act- I think a lot of stuff was just kinda lost by then- but the third act tries to pull at your heartstrings and it just feels like such an undeserved moment. It's such a last ditch effort to get the player to care about them and it kinda worked? But also, too little too late.

I think coming at Nier's sci fi elements from the angle of a fantasy world that's still largely stuck in a more archaic age was the right move so obviously the main perspective characters couldn't be androids. But I just wish the androids were actually in it more? And like explained their presence? And actually had more weight to their presence overall???

I feel like if I didn't like Automata so much I wouldn't have gone as far as I did. There is definitely something to be said about how differently Automata structures it's story compared to ffxiv, but I don't think it would really be a crime to lean towards one of them. Automata is much more vague and it often doesn't show you the full picture and I think that's what they tried to do but it fell flat just because the story felt like it didn't have a message or theme. It felt largely aimless and like that's fine sometimes for ffxiv- but raid quests in ffxiv always have something.

Like the Crystal tower raids were a delight and brought insight into the Allagan empire + set up Shadowbringers. The Bahamut raids kind of give Alisaie something to do during ARR and serves as a direct link to FFXIV's failed 1.0 launch. The Alexander raids... are mid lmao but I do think the themes of time and cycles was neat and fits really well into the wider narrative of ffxiv. The Omega raids were amazing development for Cid and I am ALWAYS a sucker for stuff about machines becoming human. Also Alpha is just the best. My point is; yeah, ffxiv raid stories aren't always the BEST but they at least have something to say. The Nier raids are literally just the raids and then the cool fashion WHICH I APPRECIATE thank you. I swear the 2B bottoms gave your character's ass extra polygons. (unrelated but not really, I heard the Heavensward Alliance raids r really fun but I keep putting them off for some reason lmao. Soon, trust. I finished Shadowbringers way too quickly I gotta find shit to do)

So yeah I guess that's just my beef with the YoRha Dark Apocalypse storyline. It's just so nothing. Automata and ffxiv are two games with amazing (albeit very different) writing. Both of them with profound themes and messages- and you'd think a crossover event between these two would have some semblance of a story but no <3 We can't have anything in this fucking house.

Sorry I am just kinda disappointed in this because when I saw 9S in the copied factory as a boss I thought this was going to be some cool dark Nier Automata timeline where 9S has already lost 2B- but no. And yk maybe I wouldn't have minded if I was proven wrong if the story actually utilized the Nier Automata universe at all.

(gonna get into mad spoiler territory for both games here oop-)

Like I think what could have been really interesting is WoL teaming up with the YoRha androids as they both battle the truth of everything. WoL and 9S have both fought for gods that were really just one huge lie. The revelation that Hydaelyn is a primal in Shadowbringers is such an insane thing to find out at this point in the story. I guess it would kinda require one to go into the post ShB content more but still my point still stands. WoL finds out the goddess that has made them everything they are is no different than the things routinely poses a threat to their world, and 9S finds out that humanity- his "god"- has been extinct for thousands of years. Idk I'm just spit balling ideas here. It's really a shame because obviously Shadowbringers is fucking peak, but the Eden raids were also so good. Like we could have had three for three but I feel like they kinda just half assed the Nier story.

Anyways

If I'm feeling cute I might rewrite the entire YoRHa x FFXIV storyline.

(This is a lie I have started drafting it already. Which is not the best thing for me to do bc I already have my major project/hyperfixation in the form of Hellbound and my last crossover fic got rlly popular and then I just kinda abandoned it so... yeah I don't have the greatest track record when it comes to these things. If I feel really ambitious I might make it a whole machinima thing but I shudder to think abt the editing that would take tbh. But likeeee I have lotsa ideas because I think Nier and FFXIV's themes would mesh rlly well together. Also it already has a title bc of course it does. It's YoRHa: Neo Fantasy. Yeah yeah it's cheesy whatever let me live.)

[stypidwthluv]

A Whole Lot Stuffed In a Tiny Box

So, I just finished the new episode of 911 and as I have with most of them

I. Have. Words.

(Strap in, I busted out the computer for this one, this is going to be long)

First of all, let’s start with the new characters. I’ll try

Jonah. I like Jonah. He seems chill and overall a great guy. He’s no Chimney but then again no one is. I do think it’s hilarious to watch both Hen and Buck hold on so tightly to the idea of their partners coming back. Nonetheless, Jonah seems cool and I’m excited to see where Hen’s distaste for him goes throughout the season.

Now... Lucy. I’m gonna be honest, until they said her name I spent the entirety of the episode calling her Arielle because I forgot the name of the character. That doesn’t mean that I dislike the character or that I had an issue with her before I even saw the character. No, I was and am super excited to see where her character goes throughout the season. She caused a lot of mayhem in this episode and I’m still on the fence for most of it. Like they told us before the episode premiered, Lucy is like a female Buck 1.0. She flirts with people and with danger frequently. 

Speaking of which, I will cover the events of the episode in more detail under the line so as to avoid spoilers for those who haven’t seen the episode yet.

However, as for my brief take on the episode:

Overall, I loved it. A little predictable but with a show that we’ve gotten to know through interviews, copiously watching the previous seasons, and through insights of the fandom it’s kind of hard to surprise this particular audience. Nonetheless, I loved the introductions of the new characters establishing their personalities immediately from the get go, and setting up so many new and interesting things that we have been teased with so far. Such as Buck and Lucy’s whole dynamic, Buck’s rash decision in his relationship with Taylor, Eddie going to therapy, so on and so forth. 

My more in depth analysis with direct references to certain moments, lines, and references is beneath the cut.

Spoilers ahead from this point on.

Now that the non-spoiler crew is gone. Welcome to my TedTalk.

Let’s start with Hen and Jonah. Now, most of us know that Chimney and Maddie ARE coming back this season. The promos have even shown Chimney in his uniform. However, I cannot stress how satisfying it is to see how Hen’s been feeling since Chimney left. Her constant prodding and insistence that Jonah was temporary was both entertaining and made me feel bad for Jonah cause he seems like a cool dude who’s just trying to do his job with the house that apparently like EVERY firefighter wants to work with. I’m hoping to see a little more comradery between Hen and Jonah develop in the next few episodes. 

Next I want to talk about the comparison of Hen and Jonah to Buck and Eddie. It wasn’t subtle in the slightest that they were drawing direct comparison’s between Hen and Buck both believing so strongly that their partner is coming back. (Also, Want to mention how much I loved seeing the interactions between Hen and Buck. Especially the one in the Uber with the callback to hen cheating on Karen in an earlier season. Getting to see her view on it now and where she stand compared to where she stood is just awesome.) There is a difference however in the two. Whereas Chimney told Hen that he would be coming back when he left, Eddie never made the same promise to Buck when he left. I think that this speaks to a big theme of Buck and Eddie’s relationship of how they don’t really needs words to communicate b/c they know each other so well: the will, on the job, Ana and the blackout, pretty much every other scene with them in it. A large portion of their relationship has been about them being able to predict the others moves because of how well they know each other. 

That being said, however, (and I’m not getting into the Buddie parts of the episode that I saw just yet I’ gonna save that for its own post) Buck did know exactly what Eddie was going through without having to have Eddie tell him. He knew that Eddie was tired and hadn’t been sleeping, and he knew that Eddie missed his job and didn’t want to do anything else. What has also been big this season is Buck knowing Eddie and Eddie kind of pushing Buck away and wanting to handle it all on his own. I’ll get more into this in another post but I wanted to mention it now cause I realized all of this as I was typing this post. 

Moving on to Buck and Taylor. Holy shit does this show know how to implode a relationship. We knew from the last promo that Buck and Lucy kissed, but I was hoping that it was BT breaks up and then Buck kisses Lucy not the other way around. Unfortunately, this is what we got. As I was sitting there watching it happen I just kept saying “Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Buck no. Buck. Fuckin don’t.” AAAANNNNNDDD he did it. Now, I know that Buck is a people pleaser and he just wants people to stay and he’s been untethered since Maddie and Chimney left and then Eddie left the station, but goddammit did he have to throw that particular wrench. I’m just getting attached to Taylor and my favorite good boy has just made this so complicated. I am both terrified and excited to watch this blow up in his face. 

Okay I think that is it for this post I wanted to include something else b/c it’s not exactly Buddie related (as my next post will almost entirely be) but I think this post is long enough as it is. 

Have a nice night and for those of you who actually managed to finish this behemoth, enjoy this dog eating a cookie.

[yoongisleftearring]

So let me vent rq

I'm dumb and barely went to any of my lectures this semester which honestly didn't even affect me that much except for one subject.

I had a class test and I got a G (since when is that even a fucking grade what?) Anyways that is worth 25% of my grade whoops.

So I had another class test a couple weeks ago and it was a listening test rather than a grammar test which the last one was and I'm honestly not even sure how I did in it because we haven't gotten out grades back. I thought it was fine but the problem is, I also though the other test was fine too so 🙃 that is worth another 25%.

So I basically only achieved maybe 1% of my first assignment, not sure of the second but my track record isn't looking great.

Tomorrow I have another exam, but in a scary exam hall and it's worth 50% of my grade. If I don't pass this I have to repeat and I won't be able to go and study abroad next year. I'm so scared that I'm gonna fail this and it will have all been my fault, like I coulda just went to college and this wouldn't be an issue.

So while I'm stressing over this I have work and a custom portrait commission to work on and an essay due at the same time as my exam that I'm not even attempting to hand in on time because I think my time is better spent studying for this stupid exam tomorrow.

So basically everything = stress.

It's funny because I'm the type of person who can just do fairly well without having to put in much effort so this came as a huge shock to me like ?? I have to put in effort ?? 🤢

I really want to go abroad next year and I need two things: to pass this year and to have a gpa above 3.0 so even if I do pass this but don't do too well it's not a definite thing still but I know I will be so upset if I fail this stupid class because of my decisions 😕

I hope nobody actually read this that's so embarrassing, I'm literally getting an education and I'm lucky but I made some mistakes and not I need to VENT

I better be back once I get my grades to say 🤪 shouldn't even have been worried I'm a brainy bitch what was I even stressing over 😤

We'll see

[overseermartin]

hello :) hope it's ok to ask. i saw your post earlier about how martin would've handled things very differently as high overseer [to which i agree!!] and you tagged it with how the coup in dh2 wouldn't have happened altogether if he was still in the picture, sooo any more thoughts on that??!

oh boy do i have some thoughts!!

i wrote a little essay/rant below, read at own risk. 

tl;dr the Abbey is weak and i believe Martin would have made a better High Overseer

So it seems to me that a lot of the issues that led to the coup derive from the Abbey being weak. I get that the successor would have a hard time following Campbell’s corruption of the Abbey (using it for his own agenda, weaponizing faith, poisoning an institution that should be a guiding hand that inspires and protects the people from the Void into something that is feared and hated. I really hate Campbell and what he did to the Abbey okay) and that a lot of effort would have to go into restoring their reputation and building up trust among the people. And although the writers would have us believe Yul did that, I’d say that the fact the coup happened is evidence that he was not a strong leader.

Firstly, Duke Luca Abele is known to have no respect for the Abbey. A ruler of a country that has no faith and openly disdains the Abbey, is not a good look. If the leaders of an Empire are not faithful, it follows suit that the faith of the people will dwindle too. If the Abbey is to be unified against heresy, it is critical that they are at the forefront, standing behind the rulers, offering guidance and support. It is clear that that is not the case with Serkonos. Perhaps there was too much work to be done in Gristol, that Yul was preoccupied with matters closer to home, but again that is the sign of a weak leader. The High Overseer should not be focussed on one nation, one ruler, that is neglectful of the rest of the Empire. Martin would not miss these details. Martin would have intervened and brought the Duke’s lax attitude to faith to the Empress as a threat of heresy, that Luca was showing early signs of leaning toward the Void. Action would be taken. It is truly awful that the Duke of Serkonos was involved in a seance that brought Delilah back and the Abbey did not intervene. 

Secondly, the Brigmore Witches were improperly handled. After Delilah was bound to the Void by Daud, it seems the witches quietly disbanded and dispersed across the Empire. Again, I’m aware that there was a lot going on in this time, with Emily retaking the throne and the plague being dealt with, but even so it should have been properly investigated and the witches found. Maybe not all, but enough to know who the key players are, and to bring them to justice. They have no powers to protect them when interrogated, so it would be easier to pry the truth from them. Breanna Ashworth should have been discovered and imprisoned. Maybe not immediately. Maybe not for years. But it baffles me how she was able to leave Dunwall for Serkonos and start the Royal Conservatory without anyone making the connection of who she is and the things she had done. And again, for her to gather a group of powerful allies to take part in a seance, is evidence that the Abbey failed to protect the people from heresy yet again. 

I know I’m biased as a die-hard Martin stan; but I truly believe he would have been a fantastic High Overseer. Let’s not forget who was behind the Loyalists plot. Martin was behind every movement they made, every speech that Havelock listed off to Corvo before missions, it all came from Martin. He accounted for everything, missing no detail, and planned accordingly. He really was a master strategist. He would have led the Overseers with that same precision.

I headcanon Martin as being an Overseer who hunts out heresy, like the kind that investigates rumours and sniffs out shrines and bonecharms among the populace. He was stationed in the Estate District where he runs a small chapel, he delivers sermons and is a guiding voice for the faithful. He hold confessions and utilises this as a way to extract information and gather material for his investigations. It’s a role that is certainly weaponised by Campbell, a way to control the nobility, as it is so easy to plant heretical artifacts and have them imprisoned and (probably) killed for heresy. But it is one that Martin thrives in; he’s a charmer, it’s so easy to win people over and get them exposing all kinds of secrets. And his sharp mind would piece together a strategy to overcome any task he is set to, utilising every tool at his command, until the job is done. Martin “who knows everyone” has an intricate network of informants that would rival the Spymasters. Nothing is out of reach for him. With the title of High Overseer, he would be unstoppable.

So while I think Martin would have snuffed out any whispers of a coup before it even began, I also think he would have been better prepared for the attack of any Marked. Holger’s Devices would not have been broken down and put in storage (seriously? After a Marked killed the previous Empress? And another Marked almost took the mind of the current Empress? How does Corvo let that happen? Why does he relax and arrogantly believe Emily would be safe from another like him? Why have no precautions been put in place????) and instead further developed and improved. The Abbey is based on harnessing the power of man until it rivals that of the chaotic will of the Void (and it’s embodiment, the Outsider), I’ve said before about how incredible the existence of these devices is, and what that means for mankind. But if the Abbey can do that, then they can certainly do more. Seriously, a technology that protects against a god? That’s incredible. More of that line of thinking, and who knows what the Abbey could be capable of. Imagine a world where the Abbey is united with the Academy of Natural Philosophers? THE POSSIBILITIES??

If Martin had survived and continued to be High Overseer, not only do I think the coup would never have happened, I think the Empire would be stronger and more united than we see it in Dishonored 2. And I don’t think it would be down to Martin alone, I also think Daud would have made a fantastic Spymaster, which would greatly help with all of the above. Corvo should never have been Regent, Lord Protector, and Royal Spymaster combined. One man cannot do three jobs and do them well. Corvo failed the Empire with his arrogance and his complacency. 

Wow this got really long, I am so sorry this is not what you asked for. I hope this rant made sense! I love Dishonored but I am not a fan of the following games, so I may have overlooked or oversimplified plot points that contradict this. 

But hey - this is just my opinion, I would love to hear yours!! 

[leoninapelliolovesconchitawurst]

ENGLISH TRANSLATION (Scott Rand)

LT1 Startalk Interview at the Bristol Hotel 25/01/20

with Petra Stumpf

https://www.lt1.at/sendungen/stars_society/ich-bin-ein-sehr-sexueller-mensch/

https://youtu.be/FAw2HtQQhx0

That was back then, Tom Neuwirth alias Conchita Wurst, a diva who won the Eurovision Song Contest for Austria in 2014.

And this is nowadays. Wurst, fetish look and electro pop. With his third album Tom has freed himself. We meet the Upper Austrian in his adoptive home Vienna at the hotel bar in the Bristol next to the Opera. What hasn't changed is that the star is punctual to the minute.

Petra Stumpf: Welcome to LT1 startalk, my guest today - how do I address you Conchita, Tom or Wurst, which do you prefer?

Tom: It's up to you, I use to say at the end of the day it's always Wurst (it's all the same to me). With a certain look I feel more like a woman, whatever that means and in certain looks I am more masculine, whatever that means and at the end of the day I don't care. One cannot generalise, of course for many people their identity is important and how they see themselves. I realize more and more that gender should be completely irrelevant in a society.

P: I was very curious in which look you would turn up today, blond, bald, long hair, short hair, at the moment everything is possible when it comes to you. Does it depend on your current mood or is it calculative if you turn up as a male or female?

T: There are concerts and events where I know I want to wear an evening gown and release my inner Mariah Carey, on other days I have no concept at all and put up what I fancy at the moment. Some things need a certain preparation, when I want to bleach my hair, I can't decide it on the spot and two hours later I'm blond and the story about the bald head was, that I wanted to express - I did't want to express anything with the bald head per se - but I had joined the Opera Ball to advertise the EU elections and when I shaved my head, I hadn't even known yet that I would go to the Opera Ball. In retrospect it had been destiny and was supposed to happen exactly like that and to answer the question, I seldom reflect, sometimes I fancy something but if something else comes up that is more in line, then I change my mind.

P: Your impact on me is that you feel very liberated since this transformation, is that true?

T: I started to reconsider rules I don't even know who made them and to discard them and find out what makes me happy instead of saying: I have to be the president's wife, that's what people expect and what sells, I'm also in the priviliged situation to say, I don't care, I do what I want and feel but during the process I develop and reconsider so many things and I don't know if everyone thinks it's funny, but I always say it's essential to learn how to read and write. It's important for communication, but how needs spelling?

P: Seriously?

T: If I understand what you want to tell me, for example if you write an essay in German full of blooming imagination and there are twists in the story and it's interesting to read, and then you have 5 spelling errors and fail to pass the exam.

P: I agree about that, but it repels me if someone writes to me on Whatsapp and there are 1000 spelling errors. That's awful.

T: It doesn't matter to me, as long as I understand what you mean.

P: Since you say it is Wurst to you, you recorded your new album as Wurst, finest electro pop, it is autobiographic and was a kind of therapy for you, is that true?

T: Yes, the lyrics and music were written by Eva Klampfer, Lylit, an Upper Austrian and it was produced by Albin Janoska, who is the electro guru in this country. In this triad we made this great album. Eva spent many hours with me and learned a lot about me and I often repeat it, I'm not sure if she wanted to know all of it. But when one doesn't write the lyrics oneself, one can only achieve an authentic piece of music when I'm candid and all of these titles are of course metaphors of all the things I experienced and I know what each song is about and considered if I should explain it or write it into the booklet but then I thought, it's nobody's business and I want to keep it to myself and don't want to impose to the audience what to interpret into those songs. I love to make music videos, I can't write songs, but I hear music and see pictures and I can convert that, that's my essential part and I love to do it but with it I already open a world that indicates a certain direction and emotions, but it's too much fun to miss out on it.

P: I have to show the booklet and for example this picture, videos and booklet are very revealing, very erotic with fetish outfits, did it take you a lot of effort, because your parents and your granny see it too.

T: I'm a very sensual person and I'm not shy with my family, they know me so well, they have known me when I still wet my pants. I don't have to pretend what I am and sometimes I think it will not be her favourite topic for my granny in her crochet round but I am what I am and that's the result of their upbringing. My parents have no reason for complaining about my liberalness or that I live my life in the public, I am the person I am because they raised me that way.

P: Did your parents teach you the facts of life or was it your grandmother, sometimes the grandparents do that.

T: Funny that you address this topic. No, it was my aunt, she's awesome and during Christmas one discusses everything. My aunt is responsible or was a good deal involved in my fashion aesthetics. Listen, my aunt took me to the first musical I have ever seen, Rocky Horror Picture Show, imagine I was about - when is one admitted into such a show, I think 12, and I remember my aunt asked me: "Do you know what a virgin is?" and I replied: "My Mum was born in August, so she's a Virgo." and then there was a talk with my mother if she was allowed to explain it to me and she did and then I came into this show as a 12 year old gay boy and was amazed. What, one can do this, this is allowed? And everyone thinks it's awesome, she revealed a whole new world to me and I still remember what she wore, a transparent Woolford body that only covered the breasts in the shape of a lava lamp and Yoko Ono flares with slits at the sides that where overlapping, so when she walked her bare legs were displayed. My aunt is a fashion icon and that's where my liberty comes from, I think nobody was surprised.

P: You don't often come to Upper Austria, where your family is, but on 12th March you will come to the Posthof in Linz because you are on tour with the new songs. This home game in Linz is something special for you?

T: I'm totally looking forward to it. Linz is always special for me. I have a tour, there will be some concerts in Germany, I'll be in Poland and will also be in Austria and Linz is magic, I can't describe it, it's also the audience that likes to experience music and there are people who are not my fans per se, but who are interested in new music. That's so cool, I'm not always that open-minded, I think rock is not my cup of tea, but okay I'm going to listen to it. People in Linz are totally relaxed and I'm looking forward. And it will be different with my live band and it will be awesome.

P: You are a fantastic live performer, I've often seen you and take my hat off to you. Back then in Linz, international fans had come completely dressed in Conchita outfit. How do they deal with the transformation, do they go along with it and come now with short hair?

T: It's exciting you mention this, I love my fans and they are crazy in an affectionate way and travel from everywhere around the world and then sit there and listen to this concert for the 14th time and are still enthusiastic and have fun to ponder, ah there he didn't know the lyrics, he has forgotten them again and that's so cool, because it's simply the truth. Without those fans who come regularly, I wouldn't exist and without them I wouldn't be able to shine in certain situations, because sometimes you come to an event and notice, ah maybe they don't find me that awesome but there are always people present I can rely on and who say I don't care what happens behind my back, I'm here because of you and I celebrate you so much and then it spreads. It's exciting how such a relationship we have after all develops, particularly because of the different look and music and there are many who sighingly say, I want to hear the ballads and I understand that, I also love the ballads, but there's a time for everything.

P:  Variety is that extra something.

T: Absolutely. It's a challenge for me and a whole different vocal field, suddenly it's about voice colours and textures and not how long can I scream this note, and I can hold it for a long time.

P: Will you play none of your ballads on this tour?

T: Not at the moment. I have the occasional concerts with an orchestra, the next ones will be in Sydney and I'm thrilled to go back to Australia after many years, the current situation there is everything else but delightful but I'm very content not to let this orchestra programme die either, because it's so much fun. Also From Vienna With Love I recorded with the symphonic orchestra is a gift for me and then retrieve it a year later and say: I still can do it! That's cool, you know.

P: We are in Vienna today and not in Upper Austria, as you hardly come to us anymore.

T: Don't emphasize it that much, it's like that at the moment, I will come back.

P: On 12th March at the latest he'll be there at the concert. But we are now at the hotel Bristol in Vienna and you also have a special connection to this place.

T: I have a deep attachment to this hotel, one of my all-time favourite photos was taken by Mrs Ziegelböck, who also comes from Upper Austria. There was a fashion photo shoot for Rondo and we are often here and everytime I give interviews we get support from the staff and they provide us with these awesome suites and catering and we are pleased to see each other, there's appreciation and it's such a traditional building, rich in history and I was allowed to work abroad, but when I come back home, I love Austria, I love Vienna so much, in my opinion it's the coolest city in the world.

P: It was ranked the most livably city too. And the most unfriendly one.

T: If you allow to be insulted, I'm above that.

P: I continue with the word rap.

Question: Do you prefer to be man or woman?

T: We already discussed, I don't care.

Question: I can imagine having children one day.

T: That's tough. I've considered how I would raise a child, what values I would convey and what it would mean. But I'm not ready to have children, because I'm so egocentric and have some interhuman deficits. You wanted a short reply. I have no idea.

Question: I like to sleep...

T: For a long period of time and you want something provocative. I sleep in the nude.

Question: What are you not able to do?

T: I'm bad at waiting and I sometimes get bitchy. My friends who work with me know me well enough to know that when I start giving curt replies.

Question: Your favourite place?

T: My apartment, my nest. After a period of travelling a lot, one's own bed is priceless.

Question: I learned most things from...

T: All people I meet. I recognise afterwards when one sits together during the holidays, I have it from you that I always run around half naked.

Question: The inscription on my tombstone should read.

T: I hope I won't have a tombstone. I'll be cremated.

P: But there has also to be a place for the urn. Maybe in someone's cupboard at home.

T: If I want to annoy them I'll write into my will: You have to place me beside your television. I want it to be stagy, get cremated and scatter the ash around.

P: Then one cannot visit you anymore.

T: You don't have to. That's overrated, everyone shall carry me inside their hearts.

P: No grave of honour in Vienna?

T: The dress from the Eurovision inside a showcase is sufficient.

P: Thank you, it was very funny.

T: What a great interview.

[punkscowardschampions]

Junior & Nancy

Gay nerds

Junior: Nance, how on earth are you tackling this art project? To say I'm discombobulated is an understatement that isn't getting me an A any time soon! Nancy: 😕 sums it up in a way. Obviously I can fall back on the twin thing but is that too safe? 😩 But we couldn't be more different Junior: 😖 Like, I love how vague and open to our own interpretation it is...but also I fucking hate how vague and open to our own interpretation it is! 😢😂 No one would blame you; least of all me, 'cos I was tempted- being the sore thumb I am when counting our ten- and I've not even got the twin angle everyone is so about in all areas of art tbh Junior: If nothing else, Buster is a willing participant in a photo op always? Junior: Ooh, you could get something matchy match from your childhood photos (I know they exist) and splice it with portraits of you now...Think that elevates it Nancy: You've put your finger on it. Nancy: But I don't think you're so right about the lack of blame 🤔 even with the boy/girl straight/gay redhead/brunette angle it still feels ??? Nancy: Basic 😒 Junior: I get you Junior: Meant to become the next Magritte in just 4 weeks, like !!! Junior: Well, I've heard at least 4 girls from class saying they're going to do a heavily made-up portrait next to a #nofilter #naturalbeauty one so Junior: We'll do better than that by default but I'd like to come up with something vaguely original still Junior: Miss' sanity relies on us lowkey, no pressure 😷😜 Nancy: I had that passing thought let it go though 😜 Nancy: You could text her Nancy: 😕 yes pressure Nancy: What to do? Junior: I like to keep it in professional hours Junior: for her sake, she gets a bit amorous when she's had a glass o vino after work Nancy: 😮 she does? Nancy: can I bribe my way to top of the class by raiding the cellar Junior: That was my second suggestion 😏 Junior: Take one for the team please 🙏 Nancy: but she's straight STRAIGHT Nancy: couldn't be enough Nancy: back to the mindmap Junior: Damn straights 😒 Junior: if all else fails, we can put this grade next to our last Junior: break the fourth wall, v meta Nancy: our school gets the one bohemian who is Nancy: put her next to the sterotypical art teacher Junior: did you mean my mother? 🤔 Junior: her, the engineer, hilarious 😂 Junior: Mum'd be up for it, you may borrow her Nancy: I might yet Nancy: when's this due again? Junior: we've still got 3 weeks, don't worry Junior: just trying to get it over and done with here Nancy: I should Nancy: The Tempest essay is due soon Junior: Don't remind me, even the gayness can't make it enjoyable, like many a teen show 🤷 Junior: Could combine? Somehow? Umm Junior: The supernatural characters and the humans...why yes, I am clutching at straws Junior: This term is killing me Nancy: If I'd get away with handing in some shots instead of an essay I would Nancy: not happening Nancy: 😩 Nancy: What ideas have you had? For the juxtaposition...forget the tempest Nancy: burn that Junior: If only, 1000 words=1 photograph, no contest really Junior: again, if only Will had 💀 Junior: The idea I can't get out of my head, even though it has been done to death so is BEYOND basic, is mashing up a classical art piece with something modern and pop culture...to say something about me (eww!) Junior: Tbf, they usually use Renaissance or very very famous art pieces so I could win points by using some relevant surrealism/ going beyond calling Mona Lisa #flawless Junior: Its all I've got Nancy: I think it's good Nancy: Let's both run with overused concepts and make them not basic in our way Nancy: act like we planned it Nancy: nobody has to know we had no other ideas Junior: Absolutely 😎 Junior: Total confidence is key, comes so natural to the both of us, like Junior: I think worrying about being 'original' is the true hack thing to do here anyway 💅 Nancy joined the chat 13 hours ago Nancy: 😖 yes Nancy: stealing that all Nancy: now if you could keep it going and give me some thoughts on shakespeare to plagiarize 😜 Junior: If I could, I would but even SparkNotes isn't helping me Junior: shall we peruse the best film/stage adaptations? maybe tomorrow night if you're free Nancy: I've seen the 2010 version a few times for obvious reasons Nancy: but yeah the others not so much Nancy: we need to do something that isn't me asking my mum for help Junior: Oh, babe 😂 that's the real tragedy here, you doing that to yourself Junior: maybe I'll borrow her and she can do mine for me Junior: still down for a movie night obviously Nancy: 🙉 Nancy: Lead female character Nancy: Shakespeare should've Nancy: Please do take her Nancy: mum swap 😂 Junior: As much as Bill LOVED any excuse for a drag show darling... stick with the evil queens and witches 😘 Junior: Let's do this, full family swap! Let them drive you insane for a bit whilst I live the life 😬 Nancy: Switch that around both my parents are so type A Nancy: Plus you've got all the brothers and sisters to dodge behind Nancy: Buster takes more heat off than most but he's still just one boy Junior: well, mine would refuse to be bound to a type, just as annoying I promise Junior: Its true I can mostly fade into obscurity with all their shenanigans, yet it still somehow isn't the case, just 12 nosy people in your business instead of the usual 2, with a disinterested brother flexing off in the background Nancy: 🙈 Nancy: I'm not having kids Nancy: Don't care if the future wife is frantic Junior: It is an issue that divides all of us tbh Junior: I don't think I'd mind one, to put all my efforts into Junior: but unlikely Junior: unless I co-parent from the sidelines with your wife Nancy: weirder scenarios have come about Nancy: I'd prefer a kitten Junior: steal one when you come over Junior: Ma'd probably notice but really, do we need so many? Nancy: Gran's such a dog person can I get through the door Junior: True, true Junior: Always living on such extremes this fam Junior: I don't know 😏 Nancy: look at me and my brother ultimate homo and hetero Nancy: embarrassing Junior: 😂 Junior: I'd love to suggest he doth protest too much but lbr Nancy: dad's never been prouder 😂 no teen pregnancies for his little girl Nancy: shakespeare would write that Junior: Who are we putting our money on to go first Nancy: that's harder than it sounds Junior: Rio is obvious choice but I sometimes think Grace might go insane and come along and take the claim Junior: *Shudders* Nancy: change the subject I beg you Nancy: I'd rather hear about your attempts to avoid your secret admirer who's a girl and hopelessly 💘 Junior: well, I would rather pretend that was not a thing 😬 Junior: as your brother once eloquently put it, when he was very pissed, 'i could clean up and get untold amounts of pussy' Junior: and that's that on that Junior: considering getting a face transplant 'cos my off-putting demeanour is not doing enough 😒 what problems to have, eh? the privilege of it all! 😂 Nancy: maybe we should go under together Nancy: moral support and potential discount Nancy: if I get told I don't look gay one more time I'm returning my badge Junior: well, where is your crewcut and tank top, like? 🤔 Junior: out here confusing the masses like that, idk Nancy: 🙉 Nancy: Not an identical twin playing tricks either how dare I Junior: why can't you just get in your box and like it, god damn it Nance! Nancy: unrelated except about boxes but should I get some new kit for this project or am I just stalling Nancy: a memoir Junior: any excuse 😜 Junior: but yes, do it Junior: i'm using it as excuse to go 'round all the best art galleries in town again so Nancy: Can I tag along Nancy: they're so quiet it's everything Junior: Naturally Junior: We're art students, we've gotta act like it, I'll keep the pretentious commentary to a minimum if you keep the equally as pretentious 'grams down too 😘 Nancy: I'll try Nancy: The feed wants what it wants though Junior: Can't argue, just leave the real money outta the shot Junior: Gotta leave my fangirls wanting more, like 😂 Nancy: That I will promise Nancy: Not trying to be mobbed by straight girls Junior: You mean you resist the lesbian stereotype of LOVING that too?! Nancy: Somehow it's managed Junior: no mean feat, one of the few gays in the village Nancy: Don't clap it's too loud 😂 Junior: *Finger clicks like this a slam poetry night* Nancy: Thank you Nancy: [sends a selection of childhood pictures] how early years can I go before everyone's rolling their eyes Nancy: Thank you too mum for these. Why did you do this to us? 🙈 Junior: Awww what 👼 Junior: This is how I like to remember Buster, before it all went wrong... 😉 Nancy: 👶🥕 Nancy: The glory days Junior: Weren't they just? Junior: At least you didn't have an extra older sister to dress you up, that's worse...the photos I could bring out, good lord 🙄 Nancy: 😜 And I wasn't that sister. You've welcome Buster Nancy: 🍀 Junior: *Whispers* Can we agree he needs SOMEONE to give him a makeover tho Nancy: I volunteer you as tribute Nancy: I've tried Junior: Maybe next family gathering Junior: if he shows Nancy: Bide your time Nancy: birthday present failsafe idea Junior: the amount of birthday celebrations in this fam is unholy Junior: We have a better social life than I would ever wish for, ugh Nancy: don't make me think about it Nancy: I'm sharing and it's made no difference Junior: wouldn't want you to miss out on all that good good attention we all crave 😂 Nancy: 🙈 Junior: Speaking of attention, have you heard the latest gossip that has piqued our peers? Nancy: You tell me Nancy: I can't think of anything off the top of my head Junior: Mark Colm Junior: a massive gay? Junior: I can't make up my mind if they're just hysterical and he's just a bit camp Junior: or there's something in it Nancy: He's one of us Nancy: Definitely crushing on the headboy I've seen him looking Junior: Isn't everyone? Junior: Even the teachers, complete popularity contest got him that position Junior: Interesting, though... Nancy: Besides me in my minority of one Nancy: And Sian would never Junior: Sian Gaffney? She's never gay! Thought you didn't do straight girls, you're reaching there Nancy: 🙉 not her she's dating the oldest Keenan lad Jake? Blake? idk Nancy: She'd love to ride half our class anyway Junior: Ohh you mean Mrs Kelly, duh Junior: yeah she's one of the only decent teachers about, doesn't seem like she goes in for all that popularity politics Nancy: No she doesn't Junior: Seems like a good place to while away a lunchtime Nancy: don't tell everyone how fun it is there'll all wanna join me Nancy: not ready to say goodbye to my happy place Junior: I think your secret is safe from the masses, even if I suddenly got uncharacteristically chatty Junior: Even the ones that don't take the piss and are relatively decent human beings Junior: still rather go get a nandos or whatever it is they do Nancy: Yeah I'm an open book if anyone asks 😂 Nancy: I'll stick with the one stereotype I'm okay with embracing, my eager vegetarianism Nancy: No offence lads Junior: Its all kale and charitable acts with this one Junior: No ulterior motives at all 😏 Nancy: just a rich girl with more wealth than she can give away 😜 Nancy: nothing else to see here Junior: mhmm okay 👌 Junior: we'll pretend I don't know you better than that Nancy: Hey you don't know everything Junior: True Junior: are you in the mood for telling? Junior: 🤔 Nancy: Sometimes Nancy: Can't put it all in my art Junior: not if you don't want Miss to think you're trying to tell her something Junior: flattered but straight, like Nancy: She's not the one Nancy: She'll be flattered to hear Junior: Indeed Nancy: When there is someone it'd be nice to talk about it Nancy: Sometimes like I said Junior: Well, you know where I am Junior: When there is someone Nancy: But I wouldn't know where to start Nancy: I can't put words to it ?? Not the right ones Junior: That's not just you Junior: If I'm to understand all the songs and poetry professing they too have no words Junior: Can but try 🙂 Nancy: Helpful Nancy: What about you? Headboys to one side. Any crushes? Junior: No, no Junior: No point, is there Nancy: Doesn't mean there's a way to stop yourself Nancy: Wish I could just No at myself Junior: I don't know, I don't find it too hard Junior: but you're out so its different Junior: I wouldn't want to go out with anyone...even if Mark is a gay Junior: what would he want with me Nancy: You're a catch Nancy: Out or not he'd be punching above his weight to have you Junior: I don't think there's any point being with someone if you can't be open with it Junior: Being a dirty little secret isn't going to feel good for either party Nancy: For some people it feels worth it Nancy: Just to be with, or around them Junior: Perhaps Junior: Safe to say I don't feel that deeply for any lad here so yeah Junior: keeping on my shelf for now, like Nancy: There's a junxtaposition, us on our respective ledges Nancy: I can't remember what being happily single is like Nancy: Another lesbian stereotype for the list Junior: Don't, how depressing 😂 Junior: I am not about that angsty teen art life Junior: How do we get you a lady? Junior: Do we have to hit the clubs? Nancy: 🙈 Nancy: No no no Nancy: Give that up for a bad job and worse idea Nancy: I'm too picky Junior: You're speaking to me Junior: vowed a celibate here Junior: we can do this for you Nancy: We can't Nancy: Leave me in my rut Junior: Fine fine 😋 Nancy: I'll be in my dark room angsting 😂 Junior: Noted Junior: I'll drag you out for museums and Tempest film marathon tomorrow, yeah? Junior: 'Til then madame Nancy: Looking forward to it Nancy: Stay inspired 💚 Junior: Stay golden 💛